Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 2, Episode 8 - Episode #2.8 - full transcript
Sketches include Dick Gregory goes on parole to join the cast, Rod presents Stranger than Truth, George and Jo Anne try to figure each other out, News of the past, present & future salutes ...
(soft instrumental music)
- [Announcer] The following
program is brought to you
in living color on NBC.
- You know what?
- What?
- I'm real glad Dick
Gregory dropped in tonight.
- Where?
- Over there.
- I just told the producer,
laugh-in or no laugh-in,
I ain't singing Old Black Joe.
(squeak)
That's odd, on this
show, I expected water.
(splashing)
I'm for open housing,
but this is ridiculous.
- Hey, Dick.
When you drop in, you
really drop in. (laughing)
You devil! (laughing)
10 cents a dance
10 cents a dance
Oh, ten cents a dance, mister?
Oh, 10 cents a dance?
(soft instrumental music)
(Mumbles) Yourself away
Oh, 10 cents a dance?
- Okay, dancing
lady, I'll take one.
- Oh, good!
Here's your dime.
(uptempo instrumental music)
- This late sports item just in.
The score is still
tied at five to three.
- I better go in now, Chelsea,
I'm getting too much tan.
- Okay.
But I think I'll give
it another hour.
- But seriously, folks, now
for some comedy relief.
- Oh, Mr. Hudson, I'd do
anything to be in a movie with you.
A drive-in.
- And now, from the Simon
Says Room of Glux Hillside
here in beautiful
downtown Burbank,
NBC proudly, proudly? (laughing)
NBC presents Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In,
starring Dan Rowan
and Dick Martin,
With guest star, Dick Gregory,
and Judy Carne,
Arte Johnson with Ruth
Buzzi, Henry Gibson,
Goldie Hawn, Dave
Madden, Alan Sues,
"Sweet Brother" Dick Whittington
and Jo Anne Worley,
and "the Fun Couple,"
Mitzi McCall and Charlie Brill,
Chelsea Brown, yours
truly, Gary Owens,
and Morgul as
the Friendly Drelb.
And here to get our show off
to a toe-tapping musical start,
the lovely Mort Werner conducts
the NBC's Symphony Orchestra
in a commercial.
- And here from the beautiful
downtown Burbank taco stand,
NBC presents the
Singing Accordions
of the Abby Greshler Quartet.
And here they are, Dick,
Rowan, Martin and Dan.
- (mumbles) kids.
(audience clapping)
- Thank you for that
tumultuous round of applause.
Glad you joined us tonight.
- Should have been
with me last night.
- Yeah, I kinda wish I had
been with you last night.
I had to stay at home,
and some nut in an airplane
kept buzzing our
house all night.
- Was that your house?
- I didn't know you
can fly an airplane.
- I can't.
- Well, what are you
doing taking up an airplane?
- Well, I couldn't
fly in my motorcycle.
- And somehow I
just can't see you
at the controls of a plane.
- I'll never forget
my first landing.
- Oh, yeah?
It is a thrill, isn't it?
When your wheels first
touch down on the runway.
- Well, it's a bigger thrill
when the wheels touch down
on the freeway.
Now, that's a thrill.
- (Laughing) Yeah, it must
also have been a surprise, huh?
- So was the guy that stole
my motorcycle surprised.
- Yeah, you hit him, huh?
- I gave him a little push
he won't forget. (laughing)
- Look, if you really
like flying so much,
why don't you buy
your own airplane?
- It costs too much.
- Oh, why don't you
get an older model?
They aren't as expensive.
- Oh, about the same.
- Older models
are always cheaper.
Well, they're a
little more grateful,
but they're not any cheaper.
- (laughing) Where
have you been flying?
- (laughing) Well, the other
day I made San Francisco
in eight hours.
- I can drive to San
Francisco in eight hours,
my wheels never
leave the ground.
- That's just what I said.
- You taxied an airplane
to San Francisco?
- Right up the Pacific
Coast Highway, vroom!
- I don't believe it.
- Neither did the guy
on the motorcycle.
- You're not gonna tell
me you pushed him?
- Let him tell ya.
- He pushed me!
He pushed me!
He sat in the back of his
plane watching a movie
and he pushed me!
- Hey, let's go to the party.
- Don't push me, don't push me!
- Come on, let's all
push along to the party.
(audience clapping)
(dance music)
- Our people are
making some progress,
last year we got our first
colored hurricane, Beulah.
(dance music)
- Say, lady?
- Oh, yes?
A handsome man.
- (laughing) It's not
a whole paragraph,
just that one question.
What do you think of
the stop and frisk law?
- I'm glad you asked! (laughing)
I love it, last night I stopped
and frisked 15 policemen.
(dance music)
- Now that the Olympic
Games are over,
the Russian's Women Team
can go home, to their wives.
(dance music)
- When I was a kid in
school, I didn't do very well.
It's not easy getting
from the back of the bus
to the front of the
class in Mississippi.
(dance music)
- I know a nun who's very upset
about the new shorter habits.
One of the reasons
she joined the convent
was she had bad legs.
(dance music)
- The bureau said
we can't get married
because the cost
of living is too high,
and besides, he
doesn't like me anyway.
(dance music)
- You know, after you
dropped me off last night,
I dreamt that we did some
wonderful things together.
- (laughing) Well,
in the first place,
I didn't drop you off.
In the second place, we
did some wonderful things.
(dance music)
- Hmm, I think the reason for
the world population problem
is that the people in
the backward countries
are way much too forward.
(dance music)
- I'll say that next time,
keep the bars open
on Election Day,
and give the
voters a real choice.
(dance music)
- I hear Raquel
Welch visited several
underdeveloped countries.
Actually, until she got there,
they didn't even know
they were underdeveloped.
(pop)
I know, I know.
(dance music)
- Oh, I had a terrible
nightmare last night.
I dreamt I woke up in
a Tijuana tobacco shop
without a match.
(dance music)
- I don't mind Hollywood
stretching biblical history,
but when Moses appeared
with the Ten Commandments,
the children of
Israel did not sing,
"He'll be coming around the
mountain when he comes."
(dance music)
- We got all the Uncle
Toms on our side,
now we got to work on Uncle Sam.
(dance music)
- And now, the second
act of Tom Sawyer
and His Electric Gas Stove.
- This is one of the
earliest amplified guitars
in the whole world.
No electricity.
It burns coal.
(buzzing)
- Hello, NBC, beautiful
downtown Burbank.
You wanna speak to James Arness?
Boy, do you have
the wrong number.
(men talking)
- When do I get to
throw some confetti?
- Confetti?
The only time we throw
confetti around here, Dick,
is when someone in the cast
is having naughty thoughts.
- Let me get this straight,
if i have a naughty thought,
then I get to throw
some confetti?
- Mhm, right.
- That's right.
- Well, in that case, bring
me a barrel of confetti.
- You're kidding!
- Barrel of confetti?
- Just happen to
have one right here.
- George.
Holly.
Wallace!
There, now I feel better.
(gong)
- It's never too late.
Ladies and gentlemen,
you are now watching
the skilled surgeon,
Dr. Edmond J. Burke,
who, after 20 years, sold
his profitable butcher shop
to enter the doctor business.
- Doctor, this is the
first liver transplant
in the entire world,
what are you going to charge
this man for his new liver?
- About 79 cents a pound.
- (laughing) Doctor,
you're such a cut up!
(soft instrumental music)
- Having fun, honey?
- Sure am, love.
- How about you, angel?
- Oh, I've never been so happy.
- Hold it,
you know there's still a
lot of people in this country
that still frowns on
this sort of thing?
- Oh, to heck with the bigots.
- No, Dick's right.
We better change partners.
- [Announcer]
Stranger than truth.
- In 1924, missionary
Justus Holloway
was captured by a tribe of
savages who vowed to burn him.
The reverend knew, however,
that a total eclipse of the sun
was expected at 3
o'clock that very day,
and he realized that he
might convince the natives
it was he who caused
the sky to darken.
He had only one fear,
being brought out too early.
Accordingly, when
the Chief passed by,
Reverend Holloway asked
what time he was to be executed.
"Late," the Chief
replied, "very late."
"About 20 minutes
after the eclipse."
- Well, I see by the
little old finger in the air,
that it's Flying Fickle Finger
of Fate Award time again.
- How right you are.
- Hmm.
- Tonight, despite
many requests,
the Flying Fickle Finger
of Fate Award does not go
to the great city of Chicago.
- Ah, Chicago, the
hospitality capital of America.
- You have something to
add to that, Mr. Gregory?
- Yes, sir.
Tonight, we're overlooking
the fabulous city of Chicago
and we not mentioning Mad Daily
or his fabulous
welcoming committee.
- However, next week?
Eh.
- It's a definite no-no.
- Hmm?
- My kind of (mumbles)
(high pitched crying)
- Alright, who ordered the baby?
The things we did last Summer
I'll remember all Winter long
- Hello, my love.
- Hi, darling.
Hey, I've been waiting for
you to come home all day
so we can have
a martini together.
- I had martinis for lunch.
- Oh. (laughing)
Well, I guess two
more won't kill ya.
(splashing)
(playful music)
- Is the Frog the
Farmer's Friend?
By Henry Gibson.
(singing note)
Is the frog the farmer's friend
I don't know
Is the frog the farmer's friend
I don't know
Is the frog the farmer's friend
I can't tell you till the end
Is the frog the farmer's friend
I don't know
(old man singing to himself)
- Hey, you got a
pretty nose. (chuckles)
(slam)
Hey, you got a pretty
mouth. (chuckles)
(slam)
You got a pretty good
arm, too, for a yo-yo.
(slam)
- And now, once again,
it's time for our Laugh-In
Discovery of the Week.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
the musical artistry
of Howard Heart and
his musical instruments.
(audience clapping)
(band music)
(clicking Yankee Doodle melody)
(audience clapping)
- Well, what do you
think of that one?
- Well, it was great,
but how are we ever gonna
top it again next week?
- Hey, fellas, would you be
interested in a horse that can
sing, dance, juggle and play
the 1820 Overture on a comb?
- Are you kidding?
- We sure would.
- I'll keep an eye out for one.
- It's unromantic being short.
How would you like to have
to whisper sweet nothings
into a girl's elbow?
(girl yelling)
- Blow on my elbow,
I'll follow you anywhere.
- I don't have to
do this, I'm rich!
(uptempo instrumental
music) (crowd cheering)
- Ugh, I didn't know the
Chicago Bears were real bears!
(uptempo instrumental music)
(uptempo instrumental music)
(clicking)
(crashing)
- Now, get in there, Grobawski.
- Are you crazy?
Didn't you hear Grobawski?
Those are real bears.
- Hold it, you're Grobawski!
Get in there!
- He pushed me, he pushed me.
- Come on, you can do it.
You're a doctor.
- You're right, I am a doctor.
(splat)
I can't help him, but
maybe I can save the baby.
(uptempo instrumental music)
- Lumps.
- The first thing I ask
my writing students is,
"Who is your favorite author?"
"Whom is your favorite author?"
Who, is, no, no.
Whom is,
I ask my students, "You
read any good books lately?"
(uptempo instrumental music)
(crash)
(uptempo instrumental music)
(clicking)
- What are you crying
about now, Grobawski?
- He pushed me, he pushed me!
- Who pushed you?
- They all pushed me,
they all pushed me!
(audience clapping)
(violin and drum music playing)
- Hey, man, I'm
all for immigration,
but not in the rhythm section.
(drum sting)
See what I mean?
- You goin' out to the badlands?
- Yep.
- Ain't ya forgettin'
to pack your iron?
- By golly, you're right.
- Nobody's gonna
know but the Chinaman.
- Ladies and gentleman, in
answer to your card, and letter,
here again, the
beloved Laugh-In News
of the Past, Present and Future.
(uptempo theatrical music)
Watching news across the nation
We have got the
information In our way
We offer the news
News Reach outside
We give you our news La la ti da
Ladies and gents Back
to look at them news
News News ne news (yelling)
(audience clapping)
- And now, for the
News of the Present,
here's the man to whom the
news wouldn't be the news
without the news,
here's what's-his-name!
(audience clapping)
(band music)
- Hi, What's-His-Name here.
The news of the present.
Paris:
General de Gaulle, at a
quiet dinner in his home
for the American press,
assured them that he
had indeed made mistakes,
but that he was,
after all, only human.
The general then served
the buffet consisting of
40 fishes and eight loaves.
- That's nice.
- London:
When queried
about the recent rash
of bank robberies in England,
Prime Minister
Harold Wilson replied,
"Well, it does seem to
indicate renewed confidence
"in the British Pound."
Hollywood:
Screen actresses, Sophia Loren,
Were immortalized today
when she left her impressions
In the cement in front of
Grauman's Chinese Theater.
Pedestrians are
urged to use caution.
And now, take it away, goalie!
(drum roll)
(grunting)
- And now for the
News of the Future news,
here's the Dean
of the future news.
Take it away, Dean!
Dan!
Dean! (laughing)
- No, no, no, no, Dan, Goldie.
- Oh, you're welcome.
- 1988, 20 years
from now, Saigon.
Secretary of
Defense, John Wayne,
Finally entered the war
today when he flew to Vietnam
and punched it in the mouth.
- He is better person for that.
- Washington, 1988,
20 years from now.
With the need for more
vessels in the Vietnam conflict,
The Navy continues to
dip into the Mothball Fleet.
The Navy spokesman said
today that another reactivated
war ship will be on
its way in a few days
just as soon as they
sew up the mainsail
and varnish the oars.
1988, 20 years from now.
Ed Sullivan, tonight,
celebrated his 40th
anniversary on television.
Highlighting the
show were Topo Gigio,
the world's oldest
Italian mouse,
and basso profundo,
Wayne Newton.
- And now with the
news of the past,
we turn our cameras
back to that historic meeting
between George
Washington and Betsy Ross.
- (laughs) I've worked on it
for weeks, General Washington.
What do you think?
- What can I say, Betsy?
(Betsy laughing)
It's absolutely stunning.
- Thank you.
- But where are the sleeves?
- I want you to know we've
received thousands of calls
about tonight's
Laugh-In News Report,
but we're going right ahead
with the rest of it, anyway.
So, here is a Laugh-In
News Feature.
- Okay, you pick up your
Santa Claus suit and a bell,
and show up at
Broadway and 57th Street
tomorrow morning, alright?
- Thank you.
- Good.
Next?
I'm dreaming of a
- My name is Walter
Adams and I'd like to apply
for a job as a Santa Claus.
- Well, look, Walter,
I'm just afraid you're
not the right type.
- Well, I can wear a
pillow under my suit.
- That's not exactly
what I meant, Walter.
I mean, a black Santa
Claus, how would that look?
Well, you could
put me up in Harlem.
- No, Walter, I can't do that.
I mean, do you want thousands
of negro children growing up
thinking Santa Claus is black?
Well, let's get the
facts straight, Walter.
Christmas, the Wise Men,
the North Pole, all of that,
well, that's all part of
the white Christian ethic.
- White Christmas?
But the three wise
men were black,
and the holy family was Jewish,
and inhabitants of the
North Pole, Oriental.
- Look, Walter,
this is Christmas,
let's not drag in
the race issue.
- And now for all
you sports nuts,
Here's Alan Sues
with the Alan Sues Sports Scene.
(giggling)
- Hi, aficionados.
Big Al, here.
(ringing)
Featurette.
(ringing)
Here's the outcome of
tonight's Tiddlywinks game.
It was canceled
when Liz Taylor winked
when she should have tiddled.
Oh, she lost, but she'll
always be top little tiddler
in my winkbook.
Ta-ta.
(lips smacking)
- And that, dear friends, is
our Laugh-In News Report
of the night.
- So, take it away, goalie!
(drom roll)
- Uh.
And now, now for the
News of the Future news,
here's the Dean
of the future news.
Here he is, take it away, Dean.
- We already did it, Goldie.
- Oh, well.
If we don't have time,
we don't have time.
(uptempo instrumental music)
(splashing)
- Good block, Grobawski.
- Gee, thanks, Coach.
(gasps)
(drum roll)
(boom)
(soft instrumental music)
- Who's the stranger?
- Haven't you heard?
That's the new school (mumbles).
- Cute.
- Fly.
Hmm.
- I hate to have
to break it to ya,
but we gotta stop
for a commercial.
NBC isn't exactly a non-profit
organization, you know.
(crackling)
- Hello, I'm your duty doll.
Time now for another
fun-filled commercial.
Commercial.
Commercial.
(crackling)
Isn't that nifty?
(crashing)
(dance music)
- I love votin' in Chicago
because votin' there
is not a privilege,
it's a sport.
(dance music)
- When I go to vote,
I don't care about getting
the right man in office.
I just wanna get one
on the polling booth first.
(dance music)
- You know, Dick,
I hate elections.
You have to stay sober
one day to vote for a man
who drives you to drink
for the next four years.
(Dick laughing)
(dance music)
- Urban development
is just a political gyp.
I've lived in the city for years
and nothing's developed yet.
(dance music)
- What do you say we
have a little caucus later?
- What did you have in mind?
- Hmm, I thought we might
poll a whole delegation.
(dance music)
- I don't understand why
they have literacy tests.
I mean, if you don't
have to be smart to run,
why should you have
to be smart to vote?
(dance music)
- I sure hope our new president
ends the war in Vietnam
so we can bring our 500,000
advisors home to reload.
(dance music)
- I'm for separation
of church and state.
Why should we get blamed
for the mess things are in?
(dance music)
- Every boy can grow up to be
President of the United States.
Sure, just like every
boy can grow up
to be Queen of England.
(dance music)
- My granddaddy makes
sure all of his negro help
gets the time off to
vote on Election Day,
he always fires
them the day before.
(dance music)
- Why shouldn't 18 year
olds be allowed to vote?
It would give the
drop-outs something to do,
what with bars
being closed, and all.
(dance music)
- You know, I figured it out.
Something must wrong with
the American pre-election system,
because every four years
they have to try it all over again.
(dance music)
- I'm so disappointed.
I registered for
peace and freedom,
and didn't get either one.
(dance music)
- Goldie?
- Yes?
- Did Spiro Agnew hit your town?
- No, but we had the Asian flu.
(dance music)
(audience clapping)
- Meanwhile, over at ABC.
(popping Yankee Doodle melody)
(uptempo orchestral music)
(buzzing)
- Hello, NBC, beautiful
downtown Burbank.
How do you get to Burbank?
I don't know, really,
nobody ever wanted
to come here before.
- It is said that when
the mongoose attack
the snake in the grass,
and the lion attack
the hare in the brush,
the safest place to be is
not in the grass or the brush.
(yawning)
- Hey, nothing personal, pal,
but I do think you can
force yourself to stay awake.
Especially when other people
of the cast are performing.
- I can't help it,
somebody on my block
had a party last night.
You never heard
such noise in your life.
- There's nothing worse
than noisy neighbors.
- Yeah, the party
was at my house.
- Shoulda called the cops.
- Oh, they were
already at the party.
- They were
already at the party?
- Yeah, they came over
with the fire department.
- Trouble?
- Must have been the
girl we threw in the pool.
You should have
heard her scream.
- Couldn't swim, huh?
- Oh, are you kidding?
She's a great swimmer,
but she couldn't get
the car door open.
- Let me get this straight.
There was a girl in
a car in your pool?
- Must have made a wrong
turn off a diving board.
- You can't get a
car on a diving board.
- Boy, that's what I told her.
- And she wouldn't listen, huh?
- She couldn't hear me.
She was passing
a truck at the time.
(laughing) Wide diving board.
- It sound like you
had quite a party.
- It was a Welcome Home party
for the new couple next door,
they came from Saint Paul.
- Oh, they're Minnesotans.
- No, Franciscans,
they quit to get married.
- Sounds like
interesting people.
- Well, they're more of
an odd couple, you know?
A ballerina and a wrestler.
- Oh, that is an odd couple.
- Yeah, he's the ballerina.
- That's a terrible joke.
- You'd laugh of Henny
Youngman said it.
- I wonder which Henny
Youngman they're talking about.
- Hey, lady, wanna open
up a bottle, or don't you?
(slam)
- I used to have
a car like that.
(slam)
- Answer it, honey,
it's at your end.
(slam)
- Somebody must
be awful sick in there.
- Plums, plums?
I didn't order any plums.
- Oh, that Henny Youngman.
- Mitzi, what's for dinner?
- "Mitzi, what's for dinner?"
You should have
married Betty Crocker.
- Why?
- Nothin' says lovin' like
something from an oven.
Stick your head in the oven.
(mumbles)
Is the frog the farmer's friend
I said I'd tell ya in the end
Is the frog the farmer's friend
I posed that question to
my frog friend the other day,
and he replied, "Ribbit."
- Boy and girls, if
you believe in fairies,
clap for Tinkerbell.
(angry yelling off-screen)
Tough luck, Tinkerbell.
You can't win 'em all.
- Hey now, that's what thee
show needs, more whimson.
- And now, ladies and gentleman,
welcome again to Robot Theater.
- George?
I am so nervous and jittery.
I should not be
in your apartment.
(liquid spilling)
- Do no not worry, darling.
Have a drink.
Cheers.
(glass breaking)
- You know, I am afraid
somebody will see us, my darling.
(ripping)
(glass breaking)
- All that matters is
that I love you, poopsie.
- And I love you, too.
- Kiss me.
(glass breaking)
(crashing)
- And now, a word from the
Prime Minister of Indonesia.
- Creepiness.
(uptempo instrumental music)
(boom)
(ticking)
(whistling)
- Hey, Coach, our kicker's
still way off on his timing.
(slam)
- Whiskey.
(slam)
- Whiskey.
(slam)
I'll have a fruit punch.
(whistling)
(instrumental music)
- Beaver.
(uptempo instrumental music)
- I found water.
- Where?
- Here.
- Whene?
- Any moment now.
- I don't see it, where is it?
(splashing)
(slam) You old fool!
- Hey, Jo Anne!
- Yes, short, sweet
Henry. (laughing)
- Was that sock-it-to-me time?
- No, darling, this
is sock-it-to-me time.
(tap)
(laughing)
- Sock it to me, sock it you,
sock it to them,
sock it to everybody.
- Dude, sock it to yourself.
- Hey, sock it to me sometime!
(boom)
- Meanwhile, back
at the Sock It to Me.
(boom)
(Jo Anne laughing)
Later, that same Sock It to Me.
- Hey, big Jo Anne?
- Yes, little Henry? (laughing)
(boom)
(mumbles)
- Hello, hello, hello.
That's 13 sock it to me's,
that's an unlucky number.
(splashing)
Well, that's better.
A lot better.
It's damp, but it's better.
It was almost cute,
but definitely better.
- Very interesting.
But they waste a
lot of water. (spitting)
- If Judy Carne
married Art Carney,
she would be Judy Carne Carney.
Then, if she caught a cold,
she'd be Judy
chilly Carne Carney.
- Tonight, the (mumbles) looks
at some of our ever-changing
views, morals and beliefs.
(organ music playing)
Bring back that
old town morality
That is what we need today
Old town morality
Faith and hope and biblicality
They worked on the nights serene
And no one ever made the scene
The world was staright
and peachy keen
That old morality.
Sing glory hallelujah (Mumble)
Hallelujah Tell it like it was
(uptempo instrumental music)
Old time propriety
That is what we'd like to see
Old time propriety
All uptight with smug sobriety
No one smoked
that dreadful grass
We liked our whiskey in a glass
Where (mumbles)
That old propriety
Sing glory hallelujah
All the glory is (mumbles)
Hallelujah.
That is where it was
(uptempo instrumental music)
Old time morality
It could save the neighbors now
Old time morality
Though it's warped
up personality
We are broke and (mubles)
But we were smart
and played it cool
We always went to sunday school
That old morality
Bring back that
Old time morality
(Mumbles) down
your neighbor's smoke
Old time morality
Found you high on sexuality
Sold our souls to get the bread
We used our friends
and cut 'em dead
From back to back to get ahead
That old morality
That old morality
(mumbles)
Just a bunch of abnormalities
That old morality
Hallelujah Hallelujah
Hallelujah Glory hallelu
(audience clapping)
(singing harmonies)
(audience clapping)
(uptempo instrumental music)
- Forgive us,
we're about to sin.
- Mr. Schwartz?
- That's the name.
- Hi, I'm the Property Tax
Assessor for this township.
- Pleasure.
- Oh, there's a little
situation that's come up.
- So?
- You see, Mr. Schwartz,
all of the property in this area
of town was recently purchased
by a Catholic seminary.
- Oh, so?
- And this section over here
was just acquired
by the Synagogue.
- So?
- Well, this remaining portion
here was just purchased
by the Presbyterian Church,
that leaves only one other
piece of property right here,
and, that's you.
- What's this got to do with me?
I sell Tootsie Rolls.
- I know, it means that
you have to come up
with the entire town
budget as $87,000.
- That's a lot of Tootsie Rolls.
Why do I have to come
up with all that money?
- Because the rest of
the town is now owned
by various churches,
and as everyone knows,
churches don't pay taxes.
- Churches don't pay taxes?
- That's the law, Mr. Schwartz.
What can I do?
- Well, I'll tell you
one thing you can do.
First, you take your
elbow off my (mumbles).
(uptempo instrumental music)
- Well, you better make
yourself comfortable.
This is going to take
a little explaining.
- Two million dollars
for the temple should be
just about right, Rabbi.
We can do a fine job for that.
Something traditional,
and yet, something modern.
- Yeah, that's
sounds about right.
What would it look like?
- Well, have you been
to the Copacabana?
(uptempo instrumental music)
(group moaning and talking)
- Can anyone here pray?
- I can!
- Well, you better start now
'cause we're short
one life preserver.
(group yelling)
(uptempo instrumental music)
- Sweet brothers and sisters,
do you believe in
sweet brother Dick?
- [People Off-Screen]
We believe!
- Well, then, I say, If
you believe I can heal,
come forth.
And what is your name, brother?
- (stuttering) I believe
that my name is Fred.
- Fred, I want you to go
right behind that screen.
- Is there anyone else
out there who believes?
- [Man] I believe.
- And what is your
name, brother?
- My name's Milton.
- Milton, get
behind that screen.
Milton, if you truly
believe, I say, now,
throw away those crutches!
Throw them away!
(crash)
Fred, if you believe,
I say, now, speak to me.
- I believe!
But Mi-Mi-Mi-Mi-Milton
f-f-fell down.
(uptempo instrumental music)
- The trouble with
the Church today,
is that the young people
are finding these services
very boring.
We, the Church, can
alleviate this situation
by making our sermons
more exciting.
For instance.
(snoring)
(uptempo instrumental music)
(gong)
- Come in!
- Here's my application
for a guru franchise,
your magnificence.
- Sit down.
- Thank you.
- Fine, one $25,000
check, certified.
You can't be too careful in
the guru game, you know?
Your franchise package
includes this Guru Starter Kit.
- Oh!
- One false beard.
Lifetime plastic, these beads.
Bear rug, 100% wool.
An aerosol can
of instant incense.
As an extra added bonus,
a list of people in your area
with serious emotional hang-ups.
- Oh, terrific!
(whistling)
- Well, you certainly seem
to meet all the qualifications.
Hold it, hold it.
It says here you hold a
Doctorate in Eastern Religion?
Masters in Theology?
You spent four years
in the ministry in Africa?
- That's true, yes.
- You also studied three
years under the Dalai Lama
in a Tibetan monastery?
- That's bad?
- It certainly is.
We have no place in this
business for religious fanatics.
Come on, get out of here!
- But my starter kit.
- Get out!
(uptempo instrumental music)
- Chelsea, did you
hear what was on
the Vatican radio yesterday?
- No, what?
Call me irrefutable
Tell me I'm infallible
- (laughing) Boy,
we're gonna get letters
from Sammy Cahn on that one.
(laughing) And Frank Sinatra.
(sings high note)
(uptempo instrumental music)
- Well, that's our look
at faith and morals.
- And if we've offended
anyone, let us hear from you.
(thunder crashing)
- Hmm, hmm, hmm.
I'm really going to have
trouble smoothing this over.
- Oh, boy.
- Laugh-In reminds
me of my wedding,
something old, something new,
something borrowed
and something blue.
(uptempo instrumental music)
- Push.
(uptempo instrumental music)
(whistling)
- Good morning, sir.
(whistling)
- Thank you, sir.
(uptempo instrumental music)
- It's 4:30, cuckoo,
cuckoo, cuckoo.
(yelling)
(crowd cheering)
- Okay, Grobawski,
get in there and fight.
But Coach, they're
all hurting me.
- They haven't touched you.
- Then, Coach, will
you watch the referee?
Somebody's hurting me.
(slapping)
Ow, it's you!
- Whatcha aimin' to do?
- We're fixin' to have us a
necktie party, ain't we, boys?
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
Here's one for you,
and one for you.
This one ought to
go well with your vest.
Look at it.
- At this very moment,
in another part of town.
- Good evening,
ladies and gentleman.
My name is Dan Rowan.
- You can't say that.
- Not only can, but did.
And I'll do it again.
Good evening,
ladies and gentleman.
My name is Dan Rowan.
- Alright, look, you can say
it all night, but you're wrong.
My name is Dan Rowan.
- No kidding?
What a coincidence.
There's two of us?
- Look, I'm Dan Rowan,
you're Dick Martin, hmm?
I'm the one with the mustache.
- If I grow a mustache,
could I be a Dan Rowan?
- Why do you wanna be Dan Rowan?
- Well, to avoid confusion.
I don't like to see ladies
get confused, you see.
- I don't think I
wanna hear this.
- Wait till you hear
this. (laughing)
Last night, I was
visiting a lady, see?
And all of a sudden, this guy
bursts in the room and says,
"I'm the lady's husband!"
- And you said?
- Good evening, my
name is Dan Rowan.
- With that in mind,
here's Laugh-In's public
service department.
- [Announcer] This was
beautiful downtown Burbank.
- In January, 1853, an
obscure baker named Elliot Wax
arrived in beautiful
downtown Burbank
with a saddle full of
old, round, pastries.
Providence intervened
when Wax encountered
an unsuccessful inventor
named, David Bumgarden,
holding his latest
unsuccessful creation, the hole.
Wax, seeing this first
crude hole, seized it,
and excitedly plunged it into
one of his old round pastries.
Voila, the stale
doughnut was born.
Wax and Bungarden
went on to apply the hole
to other household items,
such as macaroni, Lifesavers,
phonograph records
and hula hoops.
Thus began the
whole hole industry,
And that is why,
tonight, we honor
beautiful downtown Burbank
as hole capital of the world.
- I don't have to be here, I
get a government pension.
I would have got a lot more
if I'd have fought on our side.
- With the new property taxes,
it doesn't pay to
be rich anymore.
I hear Howard Hughes
had to sell Vermont
just to pay the taxes in Nevada.
- Survival in the Desert.
Hint number 12.
If you are lost in the
desert for over two weeks,
and are fortunate to come
across a large yucca cactus,
our hint is, don't touch it.
The needles will get
stuck in your hands
and tear your clothes to shreds.
- And now, here's the latest
from the topless boarding house.
- Rumors are flying.
(giggling)
- That's funny.
It's naughty, but it's funny.
- You know, you're
colored, Chelsea.
- Oh, I didn't know that.
- Trust me.
- (snaps) Darn it, I
wanted to tell her.
- Madame Zodiac's
sign for tonight is Libra.
- Yes, Libra is the sign
for people born between
September 23rd and October 22nd.
Men born under
this sign talk a lot,
and go around weighing things.
They are called Librans.
Women born under
this sign are very quiet,
and go around reading books.
They are called
Librarians! (laughing)
(clicking)
(uptempo instrumental music)
(crash)
(uptempo instrumental music)
(cuckooing)
- Hey, Coach, Coach,
let me in the game.
I've been on the
bench for three years.
- Okay, Grobawski.
- Oh, great.
(uptempo instrumental music)
- I got two pairs.
- No good, three of a kind.
- I guess I lose, I
got the old maid.
(uptempo instrumental music)
- Weiner.
- Well, it's time to
say good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick?
I'm not ready to leave.
I'm gettin' to
where I like this.
Do you need a
staff guitar player?
(laughing)
- Good night, Dick.
- And before you
interrupt, let me tell them.
Next week, we really have a,
- I don't really
mean to interrupt
but I was wondering
if you were interested
in what my aunt's
latest adventure was.
I just wondered.
She was caught in an echo
chamber with 37 Swiss bell ringers
over the Christmas holidays.
Yeah, she was in
that echo chamber.
Mmm.
I thought, maybe, what she said
when she came out of the
echo chamber would be,
- She could still talk?
- Yeah, well, loud, loud, loud.
Yeah.
- What did she say?
- Well, when she came out,
she was in this echo chamber
with 37 Swiss bell ringers,
and when she came out, she said,
"I just rang my
chimes 37 times."
- That's what she said?
- She said it right out.
- Say good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, everybody.
Hope you had a good time.
(band music)
(audience clapping)
(uptempo instrumental music)
- Knock, knock.
- Who's there?
- Oh, you, Pete.
- I got this drinking problem
that's affecting my work.
- You don't drink
when you're working.
- That's the problem.
- They say swimming is
very good for your figure.
- Did you ever see a duck?
- Duck!
Wait a minute, that's
awfully close to a chicken!
(slam)
- My wife left me.
- Are you sad, Dave?
- Of course, she took
my girlfriend with her!
- I think my wife is expecting.
- Oh, how can you tell?
- She brought a kid
home from the hospital.
- I ran into an intellectual
Southerner yesterday.
Told me he was a Zen baptist.
Hey, Henry Gibson.
My wife is always
asking me for money.
- Gesula?
What does she do with it?
- I don't know, I
never give her any.
- Hey, Ruth?
- Huh?
- Do Indians really
walk Indian file?
- Oh, I know one
that does. (laughing)
- Allan!
Isn't your name Ignacious
Shegnasty McNeerie?
- It's Grobawski!
- (laughing) Wait a minute,
Ignacious Shegnasty,
Goldie, listen to this!
Ignacious Shegnasty
McNeerie Grobawski.
That's one heck of a name.
- Don't push me, don't push me.
- Up in Harlem, we call this
the Chelsea Brown show.
- Well, ring my chimes.
- Hey, when you go into a bar,
why do you always order doubles?
- Oh, I hate to drink alone.
- Oh, that's gone, Dick.
(slam)
(jazz music)
(jazz music)
(whistling)
(splashing)
- Oh!
(boom)
(crash)
- (laughing) Now, that's funny!
(laughing) She's marvelous.
- You're nothing but a dirty,
lyin', double crossin' coward.
- Smile when you
say that, stranger.
- Alright.
- You're nothing but a dirty,
lyin', double crossin' coward.
- Better, much better.
(laughing)
.
(crowd cheering)
- Get in there, Grobawski,
and gauge his eyes,
dislocate his kneecaps,
step on him, give him a boot,
(Grobawski moaning)
- This show was pre-recorded
so we could mail out
our apologies in advance.
- Very interesting.
But, for shnoozing, I
prefer Peyton Place.
Good night, Lucy.
(single person clapping)
(snoring)
(snoring)
(NBC jingle)
(single person clapping)
- [Announcer] The following
program is brought to you
in living color on NBC.
- You know what?
- What?
- I'm real glad Dick
Gregory dropped in tonight.
- Where?
- Over there.
- I just told the producer,
laugh-in or no laugh-in,
I ain't singing Old Black Joe.
(squeak)
That's odd, on this
show, I expected water.
(splashing)
I'm for open housing,
but this is ridiculous.
- Hey, Dick.
When you drop in, you
really drop in. (laughing)
You devil! (laughing)
10 cents a dance
10 cents a dance
Oh, ten cents a dance, mister?
Oh, 10 cents a dance?
(soft instrumental music)
(Mumbles) Yourself away
Oh, 10 cents a dance?
- Okay, dancing
lady, I'll take one.
- Oh, good!
Here's your dime.
(uptempo instrumental music)
- This late sports item just in.
The score is still
tied at five to three.
- I better go in now, Chelsea,
I'm getting too much tan.
- Okay.
But I think I'll give
it another hour.
- But seriously, folks, now
for some comedy relief.
- Oh, Mr. Hudson, I'd do
anything to be in a movie with you.
A drive-in.
- And now, from the Simon
Says Room of Glux Hillside
here in beautiful
downtown Burbank,
NBC proudly, proudly? (laughing)
NBC presents Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In,
starring Dan Rowan
and Dick Martin,
With guest star, Dick Gregory,
and Judy Carne,
Arte Johnson with Ruth
Buzzi, Henry Gibson,
Goldie Hawn, Dave
Madden, Alan Sues,
"Sweet Brother" Dick Whittington
and Jo Anne Worley,
and "the Fun Couple,"
Mitzi McCall and Charlie Brill,
Chelsea Brown, yours
truly, Gary Owens,
and Morgul as
the Friendly Drelb.
And here to get our show off
to a toe-tapping musical start,
the lovely Mort Werner conducts
the NBC's Symphony Orchestra
in a commercial.
- And here from the beautiful
downtown Burbank taco stand,
NBC presents the
Singing Accordions
of the Abby Greshler Quartet.
And here they are, Dick,
Rowan, Martin and Dan.
- (mumbles) kids.
(audience clapping)
- Thank you for that
tumultuous round of applause.
Glad you joined us tonight.
- Should have been
with me last night.
- Yeah, I kinda wish I had
been with you last night.
I had to stay at home,
and some nut in an airplane
kept buzzing our
house all night.
- Was that your house?
- I didn't know you
can fly an airplane.
- I can't.
- Well, what are you
doing taking up an airplane?
- Well, I couldn't
fly in my motorcycle.
- And somehow I
just can't see you
at the controls of a plane.
- I'll never forget
my first landing.
- Oh, yeah?
It is a thrill, isn't it?
When your wheels first
touch down on the runway.
- Well, it's a bigger thrill
when the wheels touch down
on the freeway.
Now, that's a thrill.
- (Laughing) Yeah, it must
also have been a surprise, huh?
- So was the guy that stole
my motorcycle surprised.
- Yeah, you hit him, huh?
- I gave him a little push
he won't forget. (laughing)
- Look, if you really
like flying so much,
why don't you buy
your own airplane?
- It costs too much.
- Oh, why don't you
get an older model?
They aren't as expensive.
- Oh, about the same.
- Older models
are always cheaper.
Well, they're a
little more grateful,
but they're not any cheaper.
- (laughing) Where
have you been flying?
- (laughing) Well, the other
day I made San Francisco
in eight hours.
- I can drive to San
Francisco in eight hours,
my wheels never
leave the ground.
- That's just what I said.
- You taxied an airplane
to San Francisco?
- Right up the Pacific
Coast Highway, vroom!
- I don't believe it.
- Neither did the guy
on the motorcycle.
- You're not gonna tell
me you pushed him?
- Let him tell ya.
- He pushed me!
He pushed me!
He sat in the back of his
plane watching a movie
and he pushed me!
- Hey, let's go to the party.
- Don't push me, don't push me!
- Come on, let's all
push along to the party.
(audience clapping)
(dance music)
- Our people are
making some progress,
last year we got our first
colored hurricane, Beulah.
(dance music)
- Say, lady?
- Oh, yes?
A handsome man.
- (laughing) It's not
a whole paragraph,
just that one question.
What do you think of
the stop and frisk law?
- I'm glad you asked! (laughing)
I love it, last night I stopped
and frisked 15 policemen.
(dance music)
- Now that the Olympic
Games are over,
the Russian's Women Team
can go home, to their wives.
(dance music)
- When I was a kid in
school, I didn't do very well.
It's not easy getting
from the back of the bus
to the front of the
class in Mississippi.
(dance music)
- I know a nun who's very upset
about the new shorter habits.
One of the reasons
she joined the convent
was she had bad legs.
(dance music)
- The bureau said
we can't get married
because the cost
of living is too high,
and besides, he
doesn't like me anyway.
(dance music)
- You know, after you
dropped me off last night,
I dreamt that we did some
wonderful things together.
- (laughing) Well,
in the first place,
I didn't drop you off.
In the second place, we
did some wonderful things.
(dance music)
- Hmm, I think the reason for
the world population problem
is that the people in
the backward countries
are way much too forward.
(dance music)
- I'll say that next time,
keep the bars open
on Election Day,
and give the
voters a real choice.
(dance music)
- I hear Raquel
Welch visited several
underdeveloped countries.
Actually, until she got there,
they didn't even know
they were underdeveloped.
(pop)
I know, I know.
(dance music)
- Oh, I had a terrible
nightmare last night.
I dreamt I woke up in
a Tijuana tobacco shop
without a match.
(dance music)
- I don't mind Hollywood
stretching biblical history,
but when Moses appeared
with the Ten Commandments,
the children of
Israel did not sing,
"He'll be coming around the
mountain when he comes."
(dance music)
- We got all the Uncle
Toms on our side,
now we got to work on Uncle Sam.
(dance music)
- And now, the second
act of Tom Sawyer
and His Electric Gas Stove.
- This is one of the
earliest amplified guitars
in the whole world.
No electricity.
It burns coal.
(buzzing)
- Hello, NBC, beautiful
downtown Burbank.
You wanna speak to James Arness?
Boy, do you have
the wrong number.
(men talking)
- When do I get to
throw some confetti?
- Confetti?
The only time we throw
confetti around here, Dick,
is when someone in the cast
is having naughty thoughts.
- Let me get this straight,
if i have a naughty thought,
then I get to throw
some confetti?
- Mhm, right.
- That's right.
- Well, in that case, bring
me a barrel of confetti.
- You're kidding!
- Barrel of confetti?
- Just happen to
have one right here.
- George.
Holly.
Wallace!
There, now I feel better.
(gong)
- It's never too late.
Ladies and gentlemen,
you are now watching
the skilled surgeon,
Dr. Edmond J. Burke,
who, after 20 years, sold
his profitable butcher shop
to enter the doctor business.
- Doctor, this is the
first liver transplant
in the entire world,
what are you going to charge
this man for his new liver?
- About 79 cents a pound.
- (laughing) Doctor,
you're such a cut up!
(soft instrumental music)
- Having fun, honey?
- Sure am, love.
- How about you, angel?
- Oh, I've never been so happy.
- Hold it,
you know there's still a
lot of people in this country
that still frowns on
this sort of thing?
- Oh, to heck with the bigots.
- No, Dick's right.
We better change partners.
- [Announcer]
Stranger than truth.
- In 1924, missionary
Justus Holloway
was captured by a tribe of
savages who vowed to burn him.
The reverend knew, however,
that a total eclipse of the sun
was expected at 3
o'clock that very day,
and he realized that he
might convince the natives
it was he who caused
the sky to darken.
He had only one fear,
being brought out too early.
Accordingly, when
the Chief passed by,
Reverend Holloway asked
what time he was to be executed.
"Late," the Chief
replied, "very late."
"About 20 minutes
after the eclipse."
- Well, I see by the
little old finger in the air,
that it's Flying Fickle Finger
of Fate Award time again.
- How right you are.
- Hmm.
- Tonight, despite
many requests,
the Flying Fickle Finger
of Fate Award does not go
to the great city of Chicago.
- Ah, Chicago, the
hospitality capital of America.
- You have something to
add to that, Mr. Gregory?
- Yes, sir.
Tonight, we're overlooking
the fabulous city of Chicago
and we not mentioning Mad Daily
or his fabulous
welcoming committee.
- However, next week?
Eh.
- It's a definite no-no.
- Hmm?
- My kind of (mumbles)
(high pitched crying)
- Alright, who ordered the baby?
The things we did last Summer
I'll remember all Winter long
- Hello, my love.
- Hi, darling.
Hey, I've been waiting for
you to come home all day
so we can have
a martini together.
- I had martinis for lunch.
- Oh. (laughing)
Well, I guess two
more won't kill ya.
(splashing)
(playful music)
- Is the Frog the
Farmer's Friend?
By Henry Gibson.
(singing note)
Is the frog the farmer's friend
I don't know
Is the frog the farmer's friend
I don't know
Is the frog the farmer's friend
I can't tell you till the end
Is the frog the farmer's friend
I don't know
(old man singing to himself)
- Hey, you got a
pretty nose. (chuckles)
(slam)
Hey, you got a pretty
mouth. (chuckles)
(slam)
You got a pretty good
arm, too, for a yo-yo.
(slam)
- And now, once again,
it's time for our Laugh-In
Discovery of the Week.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
the musical artistry
of Howard Heart and
his musical instruments.
(audience clapping)
(band music)
(clicking Yankee Doodle melody)
(audience clapping)
- Well, what do you
think of that one?
- Well, it was great,
but how are we ever gonna
top it again next week?
- Hey, fellas, would you be
interested in a horse that can
sing, dance, juggle and play
the 1820 Overture on a comb?
- Are you kidding?
- We sure would.
- I'll keep an eye out for one.
- It's unromantic being short.
How would you like to have
to whisper sweet nothings
into a girl's elbow?
(girl yelling)
- Blow on my elbow,
I'll follow you anywhere.
- I don't have to
do this, I'm rich!
(uptempo instrumental
music) (crowd cheering)
- Ugh, I didn't know the
Chicago Bears were real bears!
(uptempo instrumental music)
(uptempo instrumental music)
(clicking)
(crashing)
- Now, get in there, Grobawski.
- Are you crazy?
Didn't you hear Grobawski?
Those are real bears.
- Hold it, you're Grobawski!
Get in there!
- He pushed me, he pushed me.
- Come on, you can do it.
You're a doctor.
- You're right, I am a doctor.
(splat)
I can't help him, but
maybe I can save the baby.
(uptempo instrumental music)
- Lumps.
- The first thing I ask
my writing students is,
"Who is your favorite author?"
"Whom is your favorite author?"
Who, is, no, no.
Whom is,
I ask my students, "You
read any good books lately?"
(uptempo instrumental music)
(crash)
(uptempo instrumental music)
(clicking)
- What are you crying
about now, Grobawski?
- He pushed me, he pushed me!
- Who pushed you?
- They all pushed me,
they all pushed me!
(audience clapping)
(violin and drum music playing)
- Hey, man, I'm
all for immigration,
but not in the rhythm section.
(drum sting)
See what I mean?
- You goin' out to the badlands?
- Yep.
- Ain't ya forgettin'
to pack your iron?
- By golly, you're right.
- Nobody's gonna
know but the Chinaman.
- Ladies and gentleman, in
answer to your card, and letter,
here again, the
beloved Laugh-In News
of the Past, Present and Future.
(uptempo theatrical music)
Watching news across the nation
We have got the
information In our way
We offer the news
News Reach outside
We give you our news La la ti da
Ladies and gents Back
to look at them news
News News ne news (yelling)
(audience clapping)
- And now, for the
News of the Present,
here's the man to whom the
news wouldn't be the news
without the news,
here's what's-his-name!
(audience clapping)
(band music)
- Hi, What's-His-Name here.
The news of the present.
Paris:
General de Gaulle, at a
quiet dinner in his home
for the American press,
assured them that he
had indeed made mistakes,
but that he was,
after all, only human.
The general then served
the buffet consisting of
40 fishes and eight loaves.
- That's nice.
- London:
When queried
about the recent rash
of bank robberies in England,
Prime Minister
Harold Wilson replied,
"Well, it does seem to
indicate renewed confidence
"in the British Pound."
Hollywood:
Screen actresses, Sophia Loren,
Were immortalized today
when she left her impressions
In the cement in front of
Grauman's Chinese Theater.
Pedestrians are
urged to use caution.
And now, take it away, goalie!
(drum roll)
(grunting)
- And now for the
News of the Future news,
here's the Dean
of the future news.
Take it away, Dean!
Dan!
Dean! (laughing)
- No, no, no, no, Dan, Goldie.
- Oh, you're welcome.
- 1988, 20 years
from now, Saigon.
Secretary of
Defense, John Wayne,
Finally entered the war
today when he flew to Vietnam
and punched it in the mouth.
- He is better person for that.
- Washington, 1988,
20 years from now.
With the need for more
vessels in the Vietnam conflict,
The Navy continues to
dip into the Mothball Fleet.
The Navy spokesman said
today that another reactivated
war ship will be on
its way in a few days
just as soon as they
sew up the mainsail
and varnish the oars.
1988, 20 years from now.
Ed Sullivan, tonight,
celebrated his 40th
anniversary on television.
Highlighting the
show were Topo Gigio,
the world's oldest
Italian mouse,
and basso profundo,
Wayne Newton.
- And now with the
news of the past,
we turn our cameras
back to that historic meeting
between George
Washington and Betsy Ross.
- (laughs) I've worked on it
for weeks, General Washington.
What do you think?
- What can I say, Betsy?
(Betsy laughing)
It's absolutely stunning.
- Thank you.
- But where are the sleeves?
- I want you to know we've
received thousands of calls
about tonight's
Laugh-In News Report,
but we're going right ahead
with the rest of it, anyway.
So, here is a Laugh-In
News Feature.
- Okay, you pick up your
Santa Claus suit and a bell,
and show up at
Broadway and 57th Street
tomorrow morning, alright?
- Thank you.
- Good.
Next?
I'm dreaming of a
- My name is Walter
Adams and I'd like to apply
for a job as a Santa Claus.
- Well, look, Walter,
I'm just afraid you're
not the right type.
- Well, I can wear a
pillow under my suit.
- That's not exactly
what I meant, Walter.
I mean, a black Santa
Claus, how would that look?
Well, you could
put me up in Harlem.
- No, Walter, I can't do that.
I mean, do you want thousands
of negro children growing up
thinking Santa Claus is black?
Well, let's get the
facts straight, Walter.
Christmas, the Wise Men,
the North Pole, all of that,
well, that's all part of
the white Christian ethic.
- White Christmas?
But the three wise
men were black,
and the holy family was Jewish,
and inhabitants of the
North Pole, Oriental.
- Look, Walter,
this is Christmas,
let's not drag in
the race issue.
- And now for all
you sports nuts,
Here's Alan Sues
with the Alan Sues Sports Scene.
(giggling)
- Hi, aficionados.
Big Al, here.
(ringing)
Featurette.
(ringing)
Here's the outcome of
tonight's Tiddlywinks game.
It was canceled
when Liz Taylor winked
when she should have tiddled.
Oh, she lost, but she'll
always be top little tiddler
in my winkbook.
Ta-ta.
(lips smacking)
- And that, dear friends, is
our Laugh-In News Report
of the night.
- So, take it away, goalie!
(drom roll)
- Uh.
And now, now for the
News of the Future news,
here's the Dean
of the future news.
Here he is, take it away, Dean.
- We already did it, Goldie.
- Oh, well.
If we don't have time,
we don't have time.
(uptempo instrumental music)
(splashing)
- Good block, Grobawski.
- Gee, thanks, Coach.
(gasps)
(drum roll)
(boom)
(soft instrumental music)
- Who's the stranger?
- Haven't you heard?
That's the new school (mumbles).
- Cute.
- Fly.
Hmm.
- I hate to have
to break it to ya,
but we gotta stop
for a commercial.
NBC isn't exactly a non-profit
organization, you know.
(crackling)
- Hello, I'm your duty doll.
Time now for another
fun-filled commercial.
Commercial.
Commercial.
(crackling)
Isn't that nifty?
(crashing)
(dance music)
- I love votin' in Chicago
because votin' there
is not a privilege,
it's a sport.
(dance music)
- When I go to vote,
I don't care about getting
the right man in office.
I just wanna get one
on the polling booth first.
(dance music)
- You know, Dick,
I hate elections.
You have to stay sober
one day to vote for a man
who drives you to drink
for the next four years.
(Dick laughing)
(dance music)
- Urban development
is just a political gyp.
I've lived in the city for years
and nothing's developed yet.
(dance music)
- What do you say we
have a little caucus later?
- What did you have in mind?
- Hmm, I thought we might
poll a whole delegation.
(dance music)
- I don't understand why
they have literacy tests.
I mean, if you don't
have to be smart to run,
why should you have
to be smart to vote?
(dance music)
- I sure hope our new president
ends the war in Vietnam
so we can bring our 500,000
advisors home to reload.
(dance music)
- I'm for separation
of church and state.
Why should we get blamed
for the mess things are in?
(dance music)
- Every boy can grow up to be
President of the United States.
Sure, just like every
boy can grow up
to be Queen of England.
(dance music)
- My granddaddy makes
sure all of his negro help
gets the time off to
vote on Election Day,
he always fires
them the day before.
(dance music)
- Why shouldn't 18 year
olds be allowed to vote?
It would give the
drop-outs something to do,
what with bars
being closed, and all.
(dance music)
- You know, I figured it out.
Something must wrong with
the American pre-election system,
because every four years
they have to try it all over again.
(dance music)
- I'm so disappointed.
I registered for
peace and freedom,
and didn't get either one.
(dance music)
- Goldie?
- Yes?
- Did Spiro Agnew hit your town?
- No, but we had the Asian flu.
(dance music)
(audience clapping)
- Meanwhile, over at ABC.
(popping Yankee Doodle melody)
(uptempo orchestral music)
(buzzing)
- Hello, NBC, beautiful
downtown Burbank.
How do you get to Burbank?
I don't know, really,
nobody ever wanted
to come here before.
- It is said that when
the mongoose attack
the snake in the grass,
and the lion attack
the hare in the brush,
the safest place to be is
not in the grass or the brush.
(yawning)
- Hey, nothing personal, pal,
but I do think you can
force yourself to stay awake.
Especially when other people
of the cast are performing.
- I can't help it,
somebody on my block
had a party last night.
You never heard
such noise in your life.
- There's nothing worse
than noisy neighbors.
- Yeah, the party
was at my house.
- Shoulda called the cops.
- Oh, they were
already at the party.
- They were
already at the party?
- Yeah, they came over
with the fire department.
- Trouble?
- Must have been the
girl we threw in the pool.
You should have
heard her scream.
- Couldn't swim, huh?
- Oh, are you kidding?
She's a great swimmer,
but she couldn't get
the car door open.
- Let me get this straight.
There was a girl in
a car in your pool?
- Must have made a wrong
turn off a diving board.
- You can't get a
car on a diving board.
- Boy, that's what I told her.
- And she wouldn't listen, huh?
- She couldn't hear me.
She was passing
a truck at the time.
(laughing) Wide diving board.
- It sound like you
had quite a party.
- It was a Welcome Home party
for the new couple next door,
they came from Saint Paul.
- Oh, they're Minnesotans.
- No, Franciscans,
they quit to get married.
- Sounds like
interesting people.
- Well, they're more of
an odd couple, you know?
A ballerina and a wrestler.
- Oh, that is an odd couple.
- Yeah, he's the ballerina.
- That's a terrible joke.
- You'd laugh of Henny
Youngman said it.
- I wonder which Henny
Youngman they're talking about.
- Hey, lady, wanna open
up a bottle, or don't you?
(slam)
- I used to have
a car like that.
(slam)
- Answer it, honey,
it's at your end.
(slam)
- Somebody must
be awful sick in there.
- Plums, plums?
I didn't order any plums.
- Oh, that Henny Youngman.
- Mitzi, what's for dinner?
- "Mitzi, what's for dinner?"
You should have
married Betty Crocker.
- Why?
- Nothin' says lovin' like
something from an oven.
Stick your head in the oven.
(mumbles)
Is the frog the farmer's friend
I said I'd tell ya in the end
Is the frog the farmer's friend
I posed that question to
my frog friend the other day,
and he replied, "Ribbit."
- Boy and girls, if
you believe in fairies,
clap for Tinkerbell.
(angry yelling off-screen)
Tough luck, Tinkerbell.
You can't win 'em all.
- Hey now, that's what thee
show needs, more whimson.
- And now, ladies and gentleman,
welcome again to Robot Theater.
- George?
I am so nervous and jittery.
I should not be
in your apartment.
(liquid spilling)
- Do no not worry, darling.
Have a drink.
Cheers.
(glass breaking)
- You know, I am afraid
somebody will see us, my darling.
(ripping)
(glass breaking)
- All that matters is
that I love you, poopsie.
- And I love you, too.
- Kiss me.
(glass breaking)
(crashing)
- And now, a word from the
Prime Minister of Indonesia.
- Creepiness.
(uptempo instrumental music)
(boom)
(ticking)
(whistling)
- Hey, Coach, our kicker's
still way off on his timing.
(slam)
- Whiskey.
(slam)
- Whiskey.
(slam)
I'll have a fruit punch.
(whistling)
(instrumental music)
- Beaver.
(uptempo instrumental music)
- I found water.
- Where?
- Here.
- Whene?
- Any moment now.
- I don't see it, where is it?
(splashing)
(slam) You old fool!
- Hey, Jo Anne!
- Yes, short, sweet
Henry. (laughing)
- Was that sock-it-to-me time?
- No, darling, this
is sock-it-to-me time.
(tap)
(laughing)
- Sock it to me, sock it you,
sock it to them,
sock it to everybody.
- Dude, sock it to yourself.
- Hey, sock it to me sometime!
(boom)
- Meanwhile, back
at the Sock It to Me.
(boom)
(Jo Anne laughing)
Later, that same Sock It to Me.
- Hey, big Jo Anne?
- Yes, little Henry? (laughing)
(boom)
(mumbles)
- Hello, hello, hello.
That's 13 sock it to me's,
that's an unlucky number.
(splashing)
Well, that's better.
A lot better.
It's damp, but it's better.
It was almost cute,
but definitely better.
- Very interesting.
But they waste a
lot of water. (spitting)
- If Judy Carne
married Art Carney,
she would be Judy Carne Carney.
Then, if she caught a cold,
she'd be Judy
chilly Carne Carney.
- Tonight, the (mumbles) looks
at some of our ever-changing
views, morals and beliefs.
(organ music playing)
Bring back that
old town morality
That is what we need today
Old town morality
Faith and hope and biblicality
They worked on the nights serene
And no one ever made the scene
The world was staright
and peachy keen
That old morality.
Sing glory hallelujah (Mumble)
Hallelujah Tell it like it was
(uptempo instrumental music)
Old time propriety
That is what we'd like to see
Old time propriety
All uptight with smug sobriety
No one smoked
that dreadful grass
We liked our whiskey in a glass
Where (mumbles)
That old propriety
Sing glory hallelujah
All the glory is (mumbles)
Hallelujah.
That is where it was
(uptempo instrumental music)
Old time morality
It could save the neighbors now
Old time morality
Though it's warped
up personality
We are broke and (mubles)
But we were smart
and played it cool
We always went to sunday school
That old morality
Bring back that
Old time morality
(Mumbles) down
your neighbor's smoke
Old time morality
Found you high on sexuality
Sold our souls to get the bread
We used our friends
and cut 'em dead
From back to back to get ahead
That old morality
That old morality
(mumbles)
Just a bunch of abnormalities
That old morality
Hallelujah Hallelujah
Hallelujah Glory hallelu
(audience clapping)
(singing harmonies)
(audience clapping)
(uptempo instrumental music)
- Forgive us,
we're about to sin.
- Mr. Schwartz?
- That's the name.
- Hi, I'm the Property Tax
Assessor for this township.
- Pleasure.
- Oh, there's a little
situation that's come up.
- So?
- You see, Mr. Schwartz,
all of the property in this area
of town was recently purchased
by a Catholic seminary.
- Oh, so?
- And this section over here
was just acquired
by the Synagogue.
- So?
- Well, this remaining portion
here was just purchased
by the Presbyterian Church,
that leaves only one other
piece of property right here,
and, that's you.
- What's this got to do with me?
I sell Tootsie Rolls.
- I know, it means that
you have to come up
with the entire town
budget as $87,000.
- That's a lot of Tootsie Rolls.
Why do I have to come
up with all that money?
- Because the rest of
the town is now owned
by various churches,
and as everyone knows,
churches don't pay taxes.
- Churches don't pay taxes?
- That's the law, Mr. Schwartz.
What can I do?
- Well, I'll tell you
one thing you can do.
First, you take your
elbow off my (mumbles).
(uptempo instrumental music)
- Well, you better make
yourself comfortable.
This is going to take
a little explaining.
- Two million dollars
for the temple should be
just about right, Rabbi.
We can do a fine job for that.
Something traditional,
and yet, something modern.
- Yeah, that's
sounds about right.
What would it look like?
- Well, have you been
to the Copacabana?
(uptempo instrumental music)
(group moaning and talking)
- Can anyone here pray?
- I can!
- Well, you better start now
'cause we're short
one life preserver.
(group yelling)
(uptempo instrumental music)
- Sweet brothers and sisters,
do you believe in
sweet brother Dick?
- [People Off-Screen]
We believe!
- Well, then, I say, If
you believe I can heal,
come forth.
And what is your name, brother?
- (stuttering) I believe
that my name is Fred.
- Fred, I want you to go
right behind that screen.
- Is there anyone else
out there who believes?
- [Man] I believe.
- And what is your
name, brother?
- My name's Milton.
- Milton, get
behind that screen.
Milton, if you truly
believe, I say, now,
throw away those crutches!
Throw them away!
(crash)
Fred, if you believe,
I say, now, speak to me.
- I believe!
But Mi-Mi-Mi-Mi-Milton
f-f-fell down.
(uptempo instrumental music)
- The trouble with
the Church today,
is that the young people
are finding these services
very boring.
We, the Church, can
alleviate this situation
by making our sermons
more exciting.
For instance.
(snoring)
(uptempo instrumental music)
(gong)
- Come in!
- Here's my application
for a guru franchise,
your magnificence.
- Sit down.
- Thank you.
- Fine, one $25,000
check, certified.
You can't be too careful in
the guru game, you know?
Your franchise package
includes this Guru Starter Kit.
- Oh!
- One false beard.
Lifetime plastic, these beads.
Bear rug, 100% wool.
An aerosol can
of instant incense.
As an extra added bonus,
a list of people in your area
with serious emotional hang-ups.
- Oh, terrific!
(whistling)
- Well, you certainly seem
to meet all the qualifications.
Hold it, hold it.
It says here you hold a
Doctorate in Eastern Religion?
Masters in Theology?
You spent four years
in the ministry in Africa?
- That's true, yes.
- You also studied three
years under the Dalai Lama
in a Tibetan monastery?
- That's bad?
- It certainly is.
We have no place in this
business for religious fanatics.
Come on, get out of here!
- But my starter kit.
- Get out!
(uptempo instrumental music)
- Chelsea, did you
hear what was on
the Vatican radio yesterday?
- No, what?
Call me irrefutable
Tell me I'm infallible
- (laughing) Boy,
we're gonna get letters
from Sammy Cahn on that one.
(laughing) And Frank Sinatra.
(sings high note)
(uptempo instrumental music)
- Well, that's our look
at faith and morals.
- And if we've offended
anyone, let us hear from you.
(thunder crashing)
- Hmm, hmm, hmm.
I'm really going to have
trouble smoothing this over.
- Oh, boy.
- Laugh-In reminds
me of my wedding,
something old, something new,
something borrowed
and something blue.
(uptempo instrumental music)
- Push.
(uptempo instrumental music)
(whistling)
- Good morning, sir.
(whistling)
- Thank you, sir.
(uptempo instrumental music)
- It's 4:30, cuckoo,
cuckoo, cuckoo.
(yelling)
(crowd cheering)
- Okay, Grobawski,
get in there and fight.
But Coach, they're
all hurting me.
- They haven't touched you.
- Then, Coach, will
you watch the referee?
Somebody's hurting me.
(slapping)
Ow, it's you!
- Whatcha aimin' to do?
- We're fixin' to have us a
necktie party, ain't we, boys?
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
Here's one for you,
and one for you.
This one ought to
go well with your vest.
Look at it.
- At this very moment,
in another part of town.
- Good evening,
ladies and gentleman.
My name is Dan Rowan.
- You can't say that.
- Not only can, but did.
And I'll do it again.
Good evening,
ladies and gentleman.
My name is Dan Rowan.
- Alright, look, you can say
it all night, but you're wrong.
My name is Dan Rowan.
- No kidding?
What a coincidence.
There's two of us?
- Look, I'm Dan Rowan,
you're Dick Martin, hmm?
I'm the one with the mustache.
- If I grow a mustache,
could I be a Dan Rowan?
- Why do you wanna be Dan Rowan?
- Well, to avoid confusion.
I don't like to see ladies
get confused, you see.
- I don't think I
wanna hear this.
- Wait till you hear
this. (laughing)
Last night, I was
visiting a lady, see?
And all of a sudden, this guy
bursts in the room and says,
"I'm the lady's husband!"
- And you said?
- Good evening, my
name is Dan Rowan.
- With that in mind,
here's Laugh-In's public
service department.
- [Announcer] This was
beautiful downtown Burbank.
- In January, 1853, an
obscure baker named Elliot Wax
arrived in beautiful
downtown Burbank
with a saddle full of
old, round, pastries.
Providence intervened
when Wax encountered
an unsuccessful inventor
named, David Bumgarden,
holding his latest
unsuccessful creation, the hole.
Wax, seeing this first
crude hole, seized it,
and excitedly plunged it into
one of his old round pastries.
Voila, the stale
doughnut was born.
Wax and Bungarden
went on to apply the hole
to other household items,
such as macaroni, Lifesavers,
phonograph records
and hula hoops.
Thus began the
whole hole industry,
And that is why,
tonight, we honor
beautiful downtown Burbank
as hole capital of the world.
- I don't have to be here, I
get a government pension.
I would have got a lot more
if I'd have fought on our side.
- With the new property taxes,
it doesn't pay to
be rich anymore.
I hear Howard Hughes
had to sell Vermont
just to pay the taxes in Nevada.
- Survival in the Desert.
Hint number 12.
If you are lost in the
desert for over two weeks,
and are fortunate to come
across a large yucca cactus,
our hint is, don't touch it.
The needles will get
stuck in your hands
and tear your clothes to shreds.
- And now, here's the latest
from the topless boarding house.
- Rumors are flying.
(giggling)
- That's funny.
It's naughty, but it's funny.
- You know, you're
colored, Chelsea.
- Oh, I didn't know that.
- Trust me.
- (snaps) Darn it, I
wanted to tell her.
- Madame Zodiac's
sign for tonight is Libra.
- Yes, Libra is the sign
for people born between
September 23rd and October 22nd.
Men born under
this sign talk a lot,
and go around weighing things.
They are called Librans.
Women born under
this sign are very quiet,
and go around reading books.
They are called
Librarians! (laughing)
(clicking)
(uptempo instrumental music)
(crash)
(uptempo instrumental music)
(cuckooing)
- Hey, Coach, Coach,
let me in the game.
I've been on the
bench for three years.
- Okay, Grobawski.
- Oh, great.
(uptempo instrumental music)
- I got two pairs.
- No good, three of a kind.
- I guess I lose, I
got the old maid.
(uptempo instrumental music)
- Weiner.
- Well, it's time to
say good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick?
I'm not ready to leave.
I'm gettin' to
where I like this.
Do you need a
staff guitar player?
(laughing)
- Good night, Dick.
- And before you
interrupt, let me tell them.
Next week, we really have a,
- I don't really
mean to interrupt
but I was wondering
if you were interested
in what my aunt's
latest adventure was.
I just wondered.
She was caught in an echo
chamber with 37 Swiss bell ringers
over the Christmas holidays.
Yeah, she was in
that echo chamber.
Mmm.
I thought, maybe, what she said
when she came out of the
echo chamber would be,
- She could still talk?
- Yeah, well, loud, loud, loud.
Yeah.
- What did she say?
- Well, when she came out,
she was in this echo chamber
with 37 Swiss bell ringers,
and when she came out, she said,
"I just rang my
chimes 37 times."
- That's what she said?
- She said it right out.
- Say good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, everybody.
Hope you had a good time.
(band music)
(audience clapping)
(uptempo instrumental music)
- Knock, knock.
- Who's there?
- Oh, you, Pete.
- I got this drinking problem
that's affecting my work.
- You don't drink
when you're working.
- That's the problem.
- They say swimming is
very good for your figure.
- Did you ever see a duck?
- Duck!
Wait a minute, that's
awfully close to a chicken!
(slam)
- My wife left me.
- Are you sad, Dave?
- Of course, she took
my girlfriend with her!
- I think my wife is expecting.
- Oh, how can you tell?
- She brought a kid
home from the hospital.
- I ran into an intellectual
Southerner yesterday.
Told me he was a Zen baptist.
Hey, Henry Gibson.
My wife is always
asking me for money.
- Gesula?
What does she do with it?
- I don't know, I
never give her any.
- Hey, Ruth?
- Huh?
- Do Indians really
walk Indian file?
- Oh, I know one
that does. (laughing)
- Allan!
Isn't your name Ignacious
Shegnasty McNeerie?
- It's Grobawski!
- (laughing) Wait a minute,
Ignacious Shegnasty,
Goldie, listen to this!
Ignacious Shegnasty
McNeerie Grobawski.
That's one heck of a name.
- Don't push me, don't push me.
- Up in Harlem, we call this
the Chelsea Brown show.
- Well, ring my chimes.
- Hey, when you go into a bar,
why do you always order doubles?
- Oh, I hate to drink alone.
- Oh, that's gone, Dick.
(slam)
(jazz music)
(jazz music)
(whistling)
(splashing)
- Oh!
(boom)
(crash)
- (laughing) Now, that's funny!
(laughing) She's marvelous.
- You're nothing but a dirty,
lyin', double crossin' coward.
- Smile when you
say that, stranger.
- Alright.
- You're nothing but a dirty,
lyin', double crossin' coward.
- Better, much better.
(laughing)
.
(crowd cheering)
- Get in there, Grobawski,
and gauge his eyes,
dislocate his kneecaps,
step on him, give him a boot,
(Grobawski moaning)
- This show was pre-recorded
so we could mail out
our apologies in advance.
- Very interesting.
But, for shnoozing, I
prefer Peyton Place.
Good night, Lucy.
(single person clapping)
(snoring)
(snoring)
(NBC jingle)
(single person clapping)