Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 2, Episode 7 - Episode #2.7 - full transcript
Marcel Marceau speaks; Fickle Finger of Fate points at the electoral college; Goldie and cast go trick-or-treating; and Flip Wilson celebrates Halloween. Bill Dana, Jimmy Dean, Zsa Zsa Gabor, and Lena Horne appear.
- The following
program is brought to you
in living color on NBC.
- See it's come to my
attention that you are
singing lady.
(audience laughs)
Well I give very good
friend what is sort
of snuck it out new
song and I would like for
to if you maybe to listen
cause if you, you look
like you could do
it good singing job.
So I do the song and
you could sing along with
me and help me get out.
- Oh yes.
- See, Seymour!
(singing in foreign language)
(audience laughs)
Now you got it.
My boys, I think she's got it.
You do good job.
- Why thank you very much.
You got to have confidence.
You got that complex you
could become good singer.
That's good song for you.
You think it over.
(singing in foreign language)
That's it, do good,
beautiful work, so long.
(audience laughs)
(applause)
(playful music)
(audience laughs)
(audience laughs)
(playful music)
(engine revs)
(engine revs)
- And now from an empty
ballroom scene of this years
Friends of Burbank Dance,
NBC proudly presents,
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In.
(applause)
With tonight's surprise guests,
Dan Rowan and Dick Martin.
Starring Dan Rowan
and Dick Martin
with guest star Marcel
Marceau and Judy Carne,
Arte Johnson, with Ruth
Buzzi, Henry Gibson,
Goldie Hawn, Dave
Madden, Alan Sues,
Sweet Brother Dick
Whittington, and Jo Anne Worley
and Pigmeat Markham,
Chelsea Brown, Jack Riley,
your truly Gary Owens and
Morgul as the friendly drone.
- Portions of tonight's
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In
are brought to you by Breck.
- Famous products
for the care of your hair.
- Beautiful hair always
begins with Breck.
Cute, cute.
Sock it to me.
- That's not funny.
(audience laughs)
And now, don't worry,
I saved the Breck.
- This proves the best
things in life are free.
I stole these, ha ha ha ha.
- Breck shampoo
takes care of your hairs
complexion the same
gentle way beauty soap
takes care of your
skins complexion.
- I love Breck.
It's delicious.
- Breck shampoo
comes in three formulas,
dry, normal, and oily.
(audience laughs)
- And now, back to Rosie's
Irish Abe, the program
that asks the question,
can a poor boy
who left a shack up in
the hills find real happiness
with a woman in a
house in the valley?
- Hello, what we mean
is, here come the big kids.
(applause)
- Thank you for
that wild applause.
(laughs)
Hey, I guess you're
pretty excited to have
Marcel Marceau
on the show tonight.
- You know he
speaks awfully soft?
- He doesn't speak at all.
- Well, who's he mad at?
- He's not mad, he's a mime.
- Huh?
- He's a mime.
- So he's yours,
what else is new?
(laughs)
Got a U-boat?
- No, no, no.
He's not my mime,
he's for the whole world
to enjoy.
- Ah, I used to go
with a lady like that.
(audience laughs)
- I don't wanna hear about it.
- There's really nothing to
hear, you know, she wouldn't
talk either.
(laughs)
- You got with a mime, huh?
- She's very good, studying
with Marcel Marceau.
- Well, he's on
the show tonight.
- My old girlfriend's
on the show tonight?
- No, no.
I said he is on
the show tonight.
- She's a he now?
- No, no, not her, him.
- Who?
- You've got me so
confused I can't remember,
it's uh...
- Well, if you just
listen you'd know
that Marcel Marceau
is on the show tonight.
- That's right, Marcel
Marceau is here.
- Right, now what's
he gonna sing?
- Nothing.
- Then what do we want
him on the show for?
- He's one of the
world's greatest mimes,
a pantomimist.
And he never speaks.
- Well how's he ever
gonna know if he has
laryngitis then?
(audience laughs)
- I'll ask him.
- He won't tell ya.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
one of the world's
greatest artists,
Marcel Marceau.
(applause)
- How do you do, Sir.
Very nice to have you
on the show tonight.
- Yes, but I'm very
sorry, I have laryngitis.
- I thought he couldn't talk.
- I can't.
- Well, why didn't you say so?
- Marcel, we'd be
delighted to have you join
us at the party, hmm?
You're all invited, too.
- As long as I don't talk.
(audience laughs)
(applause)
(upbeat swing music)
- Oh, Mr. Marceau, are
all Frenchman as romantic
as people say?
- I don't know, Misseur.
I have never been out with one.
(audience laughs)
- Priests should make
perfect husbands.
After all, they've already
taken vows of poverty,
chastity, and obedience.
(audience laughs)
- I do a lot of charity work.
I spent all day yesterday
reading to the deaf.
(audience laughs)
- You know, we only went
into Vietnam as advisors.
Last week our planes
dropped over 400,000 tons
of advice.
(audience laughs)
- Hello.
You should've been with
Iris and Rose last night.
A couple of party
plants if I ever saw any.
(audience laughs)
- It's very good for to watch
television in the US of A.
In the old country,
everyone has TV set in room
but it watches you.
(audience laughs)
- Last night a big brute
jumped out of the bushes
and hugged me and
kissed me for hours before
he could get away.
(audience laughs)
- I have a wonderful idea.
- Hmm.
- Let's go up to my place
and watch Johnny Carson.
- I've got a better
idea, why don't we go
to your place and let
Johnny Carson watch us?
(audience laughs)
- You know, I had to
quit the Peace Corps.
I couldn't take anymore
of their backward ways.
- Oh really, what were
you, a missionary in some
primitive country?
- No, private secretary
to Mayor Daley.
(Audience laughs)
- Boris and I go to this
nudist camp but they
let us hide behind
musical instruments.
My Boris is a bass
fiddle and me, well...
(holds operatic note)
- My Granddaddy, the Colonel
taught us never, ever, ever
to go out with a colored girl.
Especially to a public place.
(audience laughs)
- I never admitted this
before but on our honeymoon
my wife's mother slept
in the same room with us.
Did you ever try to save a
good yell til you go outside?
(audience laughs)
- You think you could
put this show on French
television?
- You couldn't even put this
show on French postcards.
(audience laughs)
(applause)
- And now, back to
Buck Rogers and Wilma.
(audience laughs)
(sTrain chugs by)
(audience laughs)
(buzz)
- NBC, beautiful
downtown Burbank.
Just one moment, I'll check.
No, madam.
That's not dirty.
Well, not according to
my Funk and Wagnall's.
- I don't know, I have
never been out with one.
- Now it's time once
again, dear friends,
to award our flying
fickle finger of fate.
- And who gets it this week?
- The 538 members
of the electoral college.
Now as you may or may
not know, our next President
will be the candidate
who receives the majority.
- Well, I certainly hope so.
- Now, I want you
to pay attention.
Should neither Mr. Nixon
nor Mr. Humphrey receive
a majority, the election
would then be thrown
into the House of
Representatives who would
decide among themselves
who will be the next President.
- Is this going to
take much longer?
- No not very much.
Now let's say that
George Wallace carries
only Rhode Island this year.
- Blow in their ears,
they'll vote for anybody.
(audience laughs)
- Rhode Island, the
smallest state with four
electoral votes.
Let's say that Mr. Nixon
and Mr. Humphrey tie.
- Fascinating Doctor
Zargoff, do go on.
- I intend to.
The election would then
be thrown into the House
of Representatives.
- Hmm, so what?
- So what?
Well, that simply means
they could then elect
George Wallace
our next President.
- Oh ho.
Let's give it to the
electoral college.
- That's what we intend to do.
Goldie, bring in
the award please.
- Buenos dias, las
ciénagas and (laughs)tacos.
(laughing)
- What's that, Goldie?
- Well, I'm just
practicing my Spanish.
- Oh, you going to Berlitz?
- No, but (laughs),
if George Wallace gets
elected on four votes,
I'm moving to Argentina.
(audience laughs)
- Electoral college, you've
got this coming to you.
- La, la, la, la.
Dum dee dum dee doo dee
dumb dee dumpty dum dum.
Ah, wanna taste my fudge sickle?
(audience laughs)
Like me to give
you a fudge sickle?
(audience laughs)
Would you like to go
get me a fudge sickle?
(audience laughs)
- Speaking of Air Force One.
(audience laughs)
We take you now aboard
the Presidential plane.
- Well Senator Derkshill,
I see we're coming
in over the great state
of California with its
40 electoral votes.
(audience laughs)
There's my island of
Catalina down there.
- Mr. President, I don't
believe that is the great
island of Catalina.
- Well, if you doubt
me, just ask the pilot.
- Oh, Mr. Pilot, Mr. Pilot.
- Buenos dias, Senors,
coffee, tea, or rum?
Welcome to Havana, cha cha cha.
(audience laughs)
- My name is Jose
Jimenez and I can't thank
Berlitz enough.
- Go like this and say wrong.
- Jump through this.
- Oh, there's a lot
of that going around.
- You bet your sweet bippy.
- I wouldn't dare bet
my bippy, I need it
in my work.
- Here come the judge.
- 30 days for picking pockets.
- Your honor, can't you
reduce that case down
to fishing without license?
- No, get out of here.
(audience laughs)
- Hello, who's there?
- [Male] Trick or treat.
(cheerful music)
- Treat.
(audience laughs)
- You know that's not
good for your health.
(coughing)
(audience laughs)
(audience laughs)
(knocking at door)
- Trick or treat.
- Trick.
(playful music)
- Honeysuckle.
- But first, here's a
commercial giving
you kiddies just 60 seconds
to hustle your mommy's
and daddy's off to bed
before the real fun starts.
(audience laughs)
- I have one question, what
was Spiro Agnew's name
before Professor
Backwards got ahold of it?
(audience laughs)
- And I'll have the shrimps.
- Yes, sir.
Sorry, Shrimp, he wants yours.
(audience laughs)
- Hey, I've been
meaning to ask you.
How about a little
dinner after the show?
- I'm not hungry, I
had a little bite across
the street.
- Over at the
topless restaurant?
- Yeah, it wasn't
very good though.
- Poor baby.
- Yeah, my waitress
was so thin, I demanded
to see the managers.
(audience laughs)
- Back home, if the
kids are good, we let
'em watch this show.
And if they're bad,
we make 'em watch it.
(audience laughs)
(slow instrumental music)
(cloth rips)
- It is easier for the camera
to pass through the eye
of the needle then for the
flower girl to be tailor made.
(audience laughs)
- Sweet brothers and
sisters, ask yourself
this question.
You've seen all them
ads about new tires,
safer tires,
blowout proof tires.
Steel-rim tires guaranteed
for 40,000 miles.
Puncture proof tires,
you've seen all them ads.
Then ask yourself this question.
How come they always
make you take five?
I have a fun walk
Down this street before
But the heat is on
And I'm not walking
anymore (laughs)
(fun music)
(audience laughs)
- And now, here
are the big kids.
- What's the subject of
mad, mad world tonight?
- Strange you should
ask that question.
- Mmm.
- We don't have one tonight.
- Well then, who
are we saluting?
- We're not saluting anybody.
- But that's my favorite
part of the show.
- Well now, I'm delighted
and happy to learn
there's something
about it that you like.
- Yeah, every week when
that girl dances around
with the things
written all over her.
- Yeah, graffiti.
- Is she Italian?
(audience laughs)
I don't care if she's
Italian, I love her.
- No, that's body painting.
- No wonder Van
Gogh lost an ear.
- What are you talking about?
- Probably got a nibble
off between paragraphs.
(Laughing)
- Hey, have you
ever painted ladies?
- No, but I've
whitewashed a few.
- Oh, that's a no no.
- You know, actually
girls love it, Dick.
- I know a girl
who has clastics.
- clastics?
- Yeah...
- Is that anything
like classics?
- That's a plastic classic.
- A plastics, she has classics.
- All over her body, painted.
- The painter
painted it on her body.
Shakespeare?
- No, Helen.
(laughing)
- I mean, Helen has
the classics painted
on her body.
- That's funny, so does Helen.
- Has she?
What has she got on her body?
- Last night I read
War and Peace.
- Oh no, I can't... (laughing)
Moving right along, I
can't imagine Tolstoy's
words painted on a ladies body.
- It beats reading cue cards.
- I suppose it would.
(audience laughs)
Listen, I think we've
heard enough about Helen
and her clastics.
- War, it's classics, Dan.
- Classics, I'm sorry.
- Watch that.
You know, War and Peace
will never be the same.
- Helen leave town?
- No, but she took a shower
and wiped out the whole
Russian army.
(laughing)
- Meanwhile, back
at the colleges.
(upbeat dance music)
- Well Blockie, we've
had our eye on you
ever since you started
playing college football
and you're good.
- Ah gee, thanks.
- Now we know you only
have one year of college left
but, we'd like you to
join the Titans today.
- Yeah?
Well thanks.
- We're prepared to offer
you a new car, apartment,
complete wardrobe,
and oh $65,000 a year.
What do you say?
Will you do it?
- You've gotta be kiddin'?
And take a cut in salary?
(upbeat dance music)
- Ready, Ms. Johnson?
- Ready, Professor.
- Ready, Mr. Carter?
- Ready, Professor.
- Good.
And now students, lesson
five in comparative anatomy.
- And that's how mama socked
it to the Harper Valley PTA.
- The biggest news
in college is change.
Everywhere on the campus,
always are being replaced
by the new.
(laughs)
- Oh hi, mom.
It's Ruby here at college.
I especially like the dorm.
You want to talk to my roommate?
- Hi, Mrs. Harmon.
No, it's Bruno.
Oh, yeah.
Franny's doing just fine.
Yeah, all the guys
love having her here
at West Point.
(upbeat music)
- I'm here to dispel
the notion that athletes
are dumb.
You know what I mean?
I'm attending this college
on an American history
scholarship.
(clears throat)
Four score and uh,
four score and uh,
oh yeah, four score and
center gets the rebound.
(upbeat music)
- So, (giggles).
You want to go back to
teaching, huh Mr. Johnson?
- That is correct.
- Well, I'm sure there's
some subject that
you can handle
at a college level.
Now, you just let
me check my list.
I'm sure there's
something here that, uh,
what did you have
in mind, Mr. Johnson?
- I thought there was a
great number of things
I could teach at a
college level, for instance
public speaking.
I've had a great deal
of experience at that.
- Oh. (laughs)
Yeah, yeah, well,
that's a thought.
A thought.
- Maybe government.
I've had many years of
experience in government
at the Federal level.
You know my record there.
(laughs)
Oh, yep, government.
Quite a record. (laughing)
- Also, military tactics
might be another area.
Since I have commanded,
been commander in chief
of my own armed
forces for over five years.
That ought to
account for something.
- Oh, oh, it ought to.
(laughs)
It ought to.
- Possibly, languages.
Have you ever heard me
habla espanol, senorita?
(laughs)
- No, no not really.
- What do you think
would be my best bet?
- Oh, well, well, I don't
know quite how to say this,
Mr. President.
Do you really think it's
too late to run again?
- Well, there goes
the neighborhood.
(upbeat music)
(audience laughs)
- Goldie!
- Hmm?
- Hey, good news.
(giggling)
Our Laugh-In album has
gone into its 2nd pressing.
- Oh good, I'm so glad,
the 1st ones came out all
wrinkled.
- Ew, rude, rude.
- As a last goody, I
would like to appoint
the entire state of
Texas to Supreme Court.
(playful music)
(knocking on door)
- Trick or treat!
- Trick or treat!
- Boo!
- We'll take the treat.
(audience laughs)
- Well, they're bad people.
(parade music and cheering)
(engine revs)
(playful music)
(knocking at door)
- Who's there?
- [John] John Wayne.
Trick or treat.
- What's the trick?
- I'm gonna kick this door down.
- What's the treat?
- Same thing.
(wood splintering)
(playful music)
(audience laughs)
- Shhhht.
- That's beautiful, Marcille.
- It's Marcel.
- Oh, I'm so glad
you changed it.
- Hello, hello, hello.
This is it folks.
If we don't have a
commercial now, we'll have
to pass a ruddy hat.
- I'd be a great dancer
except for two reasons.
This foot, that foot.
- There's a big finish, folks.
- Meanwhile back at the
beautiful downtown Burbank
home for the hopelessly quiet.
(upbeat music)
- Yes, Marcel, but how do
you feel about secretaries
being replaced by machines?
- I don't know, I've
never been out as one.
(audience laughs)
- I took up a collection
for a man in our office,
but I didn't get
enough to buy one.
- In the old country, people
work only four days a week
in office.
Other three days a week
free, to work in factory.
- You know, I don't
believe in taking the office
home with you at night,
well a couple of guys maybe
but, not the whole office.
- We have an annual
affair at our office.
This year it was Mr. Lafferty
and the bookkeeper.
(laughs)
- In my office in Mobile
there are two things
I do not allow.
Don't allow no prejudices.
Don't allow no Negroes.
- Modern office methods
have even affected
the church.
Nowadays we have original
sin and three carbon copies.
- Do you have a girl Friday?
- Yeah, but my Wednesday
afternoons are still open.
- Dad treats his
employees like his family.
Last Christmas he cut out
400 people without a cent.
- In Paris we have a
marvelous way to exercise
at the office.
Every afternoon we take
a dip in the secretary pool.
- Our group health plan
is operating at a loss.
Mr. Golden says we
either have to cut out our
maternity benefits or do
away with the cast parties.
(upbeat music)
(applause)
- The thumbnail,
by Henry Gibson.
Hummmm.
Did you ever stop to figure why
The thumbnail is so hard
Well it hasn't got much choice
What with all that skin to guard
It may look fat and pudgy
But it's heart is good and true
It's prettier than the toenail
And easier to chew
(audience laughs)
- Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
With your kind
indulgence, I would
like to run over my music.
(audience laughs)
(whoops)
- These are my kind of people.
Coo coo's.
(slow music)
- Oh, Marcel.
(laughing)
You're really handsome and cute.
(laughing)
But you're weird.
(bangs into door)
(slams door)
(applause)
- Hey, he's great.
- He sure is, but he's
no Henny Youngman.
- Who is this Henny Youngman?
- What do they know
about love uptown?
- With a little help she
could sit up by herself.
- Well I'm not going to get
stuck with a 20 year mortgage.
- But he keeps his
underwear in that drawer.
- I don't know
what's in that pill,
but it tastes like peppermint.
- And one in the
back for dancing.
- Oh, that Henny Youngman.
- And now, darlings,
it's time for potpourri.
- Potpourri?
- Sure, Dick, you
remember, we do a lot
of nutty things and
we call it potpourri.
- Potpourri?
- I got a better idea.
Why don't we do
potpourri and call it
a lot of nutty little things.
- Listen, if it
feels good, do it.
- That's a no no.
- Better in that.
- Excuse me, this
may seem a bit strange,
but I left a pair of
shoes to be fixed here
back in 1943.
I was just on my into
the service, you know?
And, I don't suppose you
still have them, do you?
- Let me see here now.
Let me see, let me see.
(mumbling)
Ah, yes, we do have them here.
They should be ready Friday.
- Hey, mister, could
you give me five dollars
for my sick mother?
- Why, certainly, son,
here's your five dollars.
- Gee, thanks.
Here's my mother.
- Meanwhile, back at the front.
- In an election year, it
is the government's policy
to brief all
presidential candidates
on anything which
might eventually
concern them if elected.
We assume this applies
to the major candidates,
but you know...
- Well, sir, since you're
the presidential candidate
of the communist party and
duly recognized political body
in the United States, dedicated
to the overthrow of the country,
it is my job to inform
you what is happening
in our government today.
Now, these are
classified booklets
containing all the
information you might require.
This is the NATO defense plan,
the economic state of the union,
the Vietnam war,
the war on poverty.
- Is that all?
- Oh, no, not by any means.
Here's the file on the CIA,
and the microfilm of the FBI.
And this half page is
everything we have on the Mafia.
- This can't be everything.
Just because I'm a communist,
don't try to slough me off.
I demand all the
information that Johnson
gave Vice President Humphrey.
- Oh, why didn't you say so?
There, now you're
on equal terms.
- And now it's time
for our Laugh-In poll,
so take it away, Dick Martin.
- I didn't know Dick
Martin was Polish.
- You're really weird, Goldie.
- Dick Martin here
with our Laugh-In poll.
And our question of the week is,
are you in favor
of or opposed to
the passage of gun legislation?
Sir, how do you feel
about gun legislation?
- Negative, it stinks.
A lot of nuts
running around loose
and I demand the right to
protect myself from them.
- Well, just who is it
that you're afraid of?
- Him.
(knocking)
- Who's there?
- [Cary] Cary Grant.
- Oh, Cary Grant.
Oh, you're not Cary Grant.
That's a rotten trick.
- Wait until you see
what your treat is.
- That joke was
planted in Kansas
and it yielded 10 ears.
(phone ringing)
- Jethro.
It's Stassin, he wants to know
if you'll run with him.
- Which Jenny
Jungwin do they mean?
- [Operator] Operator.
- Uh, yeah, could
you call me a cab?
- [Operator] Certainly, sir.
You're a cab.
- That Henny Youngman.
(knocking)
- Who's there?
- [Raquel] Raquel
Welch, trick or treat.
- What's the treat?
- [Female Voice]
I'm coming in there
and making mad,
passionate, love to you.
- What's the trick?
- [Female Voice] This is a
recorded announcement.
(train horn)
(audience laughing)
(car speeding by)
- Poulet.
- Oh, poulet, isn't that
French for shi-cone?
- I don't know, I never
went out with one.
You have blown in my
ear, I shall follow you
around the world.
- Oh, you look nice, and
I like your broach, Judy.
- Hello.
- It's really pretty.
- What?
- Your broach.
- Oh, my locket.
- No, no, no, your broach.
- It may be broach to
you, but it's locket to me.
It's not fair, you know,
that's really pushing it.
'Cause I distinctly
said, locket to me,
lock, lock, you know, didn't I?
- Well, that's a
lock there for you.
- Yeah, that there's a lock.
- Well.
- Well, it's heavy,
but at least it's dry.
It's not fair, fellas.
Now, I didn't say sock it
to me, did I, it's not right.
- Didn't say what?
- Sock it to me.
- Anything you say.
- Ow, you old fool.
- What'd you say?
- You old fool.
- Oh.
- You sock it to me
and I'll bite your nose.
(whimsical classical music)
- And now it's time for
the Laugh-In news report
with news of the past,
present, and future.
Confidentially, if
any of you have to,
well, make a phone
call, (laughing)
why don't you go
ahead, because I don't
think I'm gonna be on for about
three and a half minutes, okay?
(mischievous music)
What's the news
across the nation
We have got the information
In a way we hope will
amuse you (cackling)
We just love to
give you our news
La, da, ti, da (cackling)
Ladies and gents,
Laugh-In looks at
the news (cackling)
Whoo, here's Dan!
- And now, with the
news of the present,
here's the man to whom the
news wouldn't be the news
without the news, here's Dicky.
- Before the news, I
must say, that's the most
beautiful dance
I have ever seen.
- I screwed up another one.
- Hollywood, today's
screen star, Raquel Welch
suffered severe chest
injuries in a freak automobile
accident.
She was given mouth
to mouth resuscitation
by 68 volunteers who also
suffered severe chest injuries.
Millionaire industrialist
Howard Hughes will soon
expand his land empire.
If (bleep) accepts his
latest offer of $27.50.
Spokesman in (bleep)
said (bleep) government
was insulted, infuriated,
and would hold to the original
asking price of $26.
(audience laughs)
- That is a no no.
- And now, take it away, Goldie.
(drum roll)
- And now looking into
the future, all for the news
of the future, here is our
future news of the future
from our news of the future man.
(giggles)
Here's our future man, Dan.
Oh.
- No, no, no, Goldie,
don't feel at all distressed.
I think you're getting better.
(giggles)
- You do?
- Yeah.
- Oh, well thanks, Dick.
And listen, if you see
Dan, will you tell him
I just introduced him?
- Oh, I'll do it.
(audience laughs)
Washington 1988,
20 years from now.
In line with its many
recent decisions regarding
apprehension of criminals,
the Supreme Court
today ruled that police
officers may not search
the suspects without
a search warrant.
However, the suspect may
search the police officers
providing he warns
them of their rights first.
- There's another no no.
Hollywood, 1988,
20 years from now.
Nudity in movies reached
its peak today when
Sophia Loren and Audrey
Hepburn appeared before
the cameras topless
in the title rolls
of Ma and Pa Kettle Go to Town.
(audience laughs)
- Now Laugh-In takes a
look at the news of the past.
We take you back through
history to the Roman Empire
into the private
chambers of Julius Caesar,
emperor, King, supreme
ruler, and all that jazz.
- Oh mighty, Caesar.
A gift from the people of Egypt.
- You're kidding?
(audience laughs)
(flute music)
Just what I always wanted.
A beautiful oriental rug.
It's terrific.
- Hello again.
Now here's what you've
all been waiting for.
Alan Sues with the
Alan Sues Sports Scene.
- Hi, Big Al here, the
old football bull pen
with another Big
Al Sports Scene.
(bell rings)
Featurette, here are
the results of the last
race at Hialeah.
Pink Blossoms one,
Violet Orange came in 2nd,
and Purple Roses came in 3rd.
You should've seen them
bunched up at the home stretch.
Pink Blossom, Violet
Orange, Purple Roses.
Oh, it was enough
to slap a decorator.
(audience laughs)
Clash, clash,
criminal, clash, oh, hey.
I hate it. Oh!
- And that about wraps
up our Laugh-In news report
for tonight, friends.
- We'll look for ya tomorrow
morning with Hugh Downs.
- We're not on today
or tomorrow morning.
- How about Johnny Carson?
- We're not on tonight,
tomorrow night either.
- We're not on today,
tomorrow morning,
or tonight, tomorrow night.
- Nope.
- Well, when are we on?
- Now.
- I used to know all that stuff.
(audience laughs)
- It is with heavy heart
that I submit to you
that I think I've got it too.
- Well now, that's
what this show needs.
More social comment.
- Hello.
- One second.
- Okay.
- One, two, three.
- Oh, that's cute.
Can I do that then?
- Of course.
- All right.
- Take the umbrella.
- Thank you.
- Press here.
- Okay.
Yeah.
- Voila.
How's that then?
(audience laughs)
It didn't happen to him, did it?
I mean, it's not fair, is it?
I mean they always get me.
Not him, cause he's a foreigner.
(knocking at door)
- Who's there?
- [Howard] Howard Hughes.
Trick or treat.
- What's the treat?
- [Howard] I'm going to
give you five million dollars.
- What's the trick?
- [Howard] Find me.
(audience laughs)
(engine revs)
(upbeat music)
(audience laughs)
(coins clinking)
(Donald Duck sounds)
(knocking at door)
- Who is it?
- [Hugh] Hugh Hefner.
Trick or treat.
(gasps)
- Wow. (giggles)
What's the treat?
- [Hugh] You've
got to be kidding.
- What are you doing, baby?
- It's vanishing cream.
- Does it work?
- I don't know.
I never tried it.
- Guess it doesn't work.
(audience laughs)
- You have anything
you would like to say?
(slow music)
(speaking French)
(gunshot)
(audience laughs)
(knocking at door)
- Who's there?
- [Shorty] Shorty Dessell.
Trick or treat.
- What's the treat?
- [Shorty] I just married
an 18 year old girl
and I'm going on my honeymoon.
- What's the trick?
- [Shorty] Getting back.
(audience laughs)
- [Operator] Dukes
answering service.
- Any messages for
Ms. Gladys Ormfby?
- [Operator] A man
with a raspy voice called.
He said he wanted to
rip your clothes to shreds.
(gasps)
Put whipped cream
all over your body.
(gasps)
And tickle you with
an ostrich feather til you
scream for mercy.
(gasps)
- Did he leave his number?
(audience laughs)
I always think of
you Oh, my mother
Tears well up in my eyes
I think of all those things
That were a snap
And the football games
With mustard in my
lap (audience laughs)
- And now, a short
salute to masochism.
(bell dings)
Boy that feels good.
(audience laughs)
- And now before
we forget, I'd like
to merry you all
a wish Christmas.
- Well done.
- I'm just standing
here ringing my chimes.
Whew!
Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la
Ho-ho-ho ha-ha-ha
La-la-la-la la-la-la-la
Ring those jingle bells
You better not stop
them credit cards
Start to work twice as long
Having you get in
earlier this year Ho ho
Start opening up
those charge accounts
Start to charge large amounts
We're grabbing your
savings earlier this year
Ho ho Get out and spend it all
Never heed this warning
You'll be in bankruptcy
Early Christmas morning
Start bringing your
dog to Santa Claus
In those tight little paws
We're coming to get
you earlier this year
Ho ho Jingle bells, jingle bells
Daddy's gonna pay
Come down to your
department store
And buy everything in sight
Donner is fine, Vixen is too
Dancer's gonna sock it to you
We will kill your
Christmas spirit
Ha ha ha ha ha ha
You do it for the kids
Shirley, Tom and Hershel
No need to flip your lids
Cause we've gone commercial
We're hoping next
year you'll start to buy
On the fourth of July
We're comin to get
ya earlier each year
Ho ho ho ho Early early
La-la-la-la la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la la-la-la-la
Merry Christmas
(applause)
- I'm dreaming of
a white Christmas.
(audience laughs)
(engine revs)
(motorcycle engine revs)
(engine revs)
(speaking Spanish)
Here come the judge.
- You've been accused
of cavorting with men
What do you have to say?
- Ha ha ha, fun, ha ha ha ha.
Get out of here!
- I wonder if you'd
hold this on your lap.
The toaster's on the fritz.
(audience laughs)
- (Knocking at door)
- Trick or treat!
- It's about time you came home.
- She's getting all the candy.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat music)
(holds musical note)
(muffled yelps)
- Well, it's time to
say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Hey, who's Dick?
- At this time I
would like to say,
goodnight Dick.
And goodnight, Spiro.
- Yeah, and uh, you
know how I always start
to tell ya about
next weeks show?
- Yeah.
- And you always interrupt me.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, well this time be quiet.
Next week we got a
show, boy that is gonna-
- You wouldn't believe
what my aunt did.
(laughs)
You just wouldn't believe it.
- Your aunt, huh?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Not your uncle?
- No, my aunt.
- Yeah.
- She was over in Paris.
- In Paris.
- Yeah, she's over in Paris.
That's in France you know?
- I guess.
- And she was water
skiing on the Seine River.
- On the Seine?
- Yes, with a live
koala bear and uh...
- In Paris?
- In Paris, yeah, and
she was just rippin' along
the Seine there on water
skis and she got arrested.
(laughing)
- Got arrested, because
of the koala bear?
- Yeah, I thought
maybe what she said
when she came out of
the Bastille, you know,
they threw her int he Bastille.
- Oh, they threw
her in the Bastille.
What did she say?
- She came out of
there and she said that
koala bears are
fun but I don't know.
I have never been out with one.
(laughing)
- Say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight everybody.
(applause)
(upbeat music)
- In a Mexican movie,
the one with the mustache
is the hero.
- In an Italian movie,
that's the heroine.
- Blow in her ear.
She'll follow you anywhere.
- The American bald
eagle flies higher than any
other bird, that's
because it's embarrassed.
- Wait a minute.
Does it fly higher
than a shi-cone?
(holds long music note)
- Hey Goldie.
- Yes.
- What's the
definition of acoustic?
- Ah, it's what they use
when they play pool.
(audience laughs)
- Well, my cousin
in Poland bought
two snow tires last week.
- How did he like them?
- They melted.
(audience laughs)
- Why do hippies
wear all that long hair?
- Well, what would
you do with it?
- Why is one missing?
- Who else do you call?
- Henny Youngman is alive
and living in the joke wall.
- Hey, Blaine, your
marriage is breaking up.
- Well, I don't
know about my wife,
but it sure breaks me up.
(laughs)
- What would you
get if you crossed
a kangaroo with a
um nice Jewish girl?
- A very upset Jewish mother.
- Wait a minute!
There's another upset
Jewish mother joke.
A side order of chicken soup.
- My ancestors go as
far back as Columbus.
- I had an uncle that
went back to Cleveland.
(audience laughs)
- I don't know, I never
went out with one.
I don't even know one.
(audience laughs)
(whistling)
(audience laughs)
(upbeat music)
(whimsical music)
(knocking at door)
- Trick or treat.
- [Male] I think
I'll take the trick.
- Okay, control.
Sounding down.
Five, four, three, two, one.
(explosion)
(audience laughs)
- This program was
recorded earlier because
the cast spends
Monday nights with their
analysts.
- Very interesting.
But they'll never
get it on the air.
Goodnight, Lucy.
I love you, liption.
You too, Gary.
- I don't know.
I have never been out with one.
(applause)
(beeping)
program is brought to you
in living color on NBC.
- See it's come to my
attention that you are
singing lady.
(audience laughs)
Well I give very good
friend what is sort
of snuck it out new
song and I would like for
to if you maybe to listen
cause if you, you look
like you could do
it good singing job.
So I do the song and
you could sing along with
me and help me get out.
- Oh yes.
- See, Seymour!
(singing in foreign language)
(audience laughs)
Now you got it.
My boys, I think she's got it.
You do good job.
- Why thank you very much.
You got to have confidence.
You got that complex you
could become good singer.
That's good song for you.
You think it over.
(singing in foreign language)
That's it, do good,
beautiful work, so long.
(audience laughs)
(applause)
(playful music)
(audience laughs)
(audience laughs)
(playful music)
(engine revs)
(engine revs)
- And now from an empty
ballroom scene of this years
Friends of Burbank Dance,
NBC proudly presents,
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In.
(applause)
With tonight's surprise guests,
Dan Rowan and Dick Martin.
Starring Dan Rowan
and Dick Martin
with guest star Marcel
Marceau and Judy Carne,
Arte Johnson, with Ruth
Buzzi, Henry Gibson,
Goldie Hawn, Dave
Madden, Alan Sues,
Sweet Brother Dick
Whittington, and Jo Anne Worley
and Pigmeat Markham,
Chelsea Brown, Jack Riley,
your truly Gary Owens and
Morgul as the friendly drone.
- Portions of tonight's
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In
are brought to you by Breck.
- Famous products
for the care of your hair.
- Beautiful hair always
begins with Breck.
Cute, cute.
Sock it to me.
- That's not funny.
(audience laughs)
And now, don't worry,
I saved the Breck.
- This proves the best
things in life are free.
I stole these, ha ha ha ha.
- Breck shampoo
takes care of your hairs
complexion the same
gentle way beauty soap
takes care of your
skins complexion.
- I love Breck.
It's delicious.
- Breck shampoo
comes in three formulas,
dry, normal, and oily.
(audience laughs)
- And now, back to Rosie's
Irish Abe, the program
that asks the question,
can a poor boy
who left a shack up in
the hills find real happiness
with a woman in a
house in the valley?
- Hello, what we mean
is, here come the big kids.
(applause)
- Thank you for
that wild applause.
(laughs)
Hey, I guess you're
pretty excited to have
Marcel Marceau
on the show tonight.
- You know he
speaks awfully soft?
- He doesn't speak at all.
- Well, who's he mad at?
- He's not mad, he's a mime.
- Huh?
- He's a mime.
- So he's yours,
what else is new?
(laughs)
Got a U-boat?
- No, no, no.
He's not my mime,
he's for the whole world
to enjoy.
- Ah, I used to go
with a lady like that.
(audience laughs)
- I don't wanna hear about it.
- There's really nothing to
hear, you know, she wouldn't
talk either.
(laughs)
- You got with a mime, huh?
- She's very good, studying
with Marcel Marceau.
- Well, he's on
the show tonight.
- My old girlfriend's
on the show tonight?
- No, no.
I said he is on
the show tonight.
- She's a he now?
- No, no, not her, him.
- Who?
- You've got me so
confused I can't remember,
it's uh...
- Well, if you just
listen you'd know
that Marcel Marceau
is on the show tonight.
- That's right, Marcel
Marceau is here.
- Right, now what's
he gonna sing?
- Nothing.
- Then what do we want
him on the show for?
- He's one of the
world's greatest mimes,
a pantomimist.
And he never speaks.
- Well how's he ever
gonna know if he has
laryngitis then?
(audience laughs)
- I'll ask him.
- He won't tell ya.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
one of the world's
greatest artists,
Marcel Marceau.
(applause)
- How do you do, Sir.
Very nice to have you
on the show tonight.
- Yes, but I'm very
sorry, I have laryngitis.
- I thought he couldn't talk.
- I can't.
- Well, why didn't you say so?
- Marcel, we'd be
delighted to have you join
us at the party, hmm?
You're all invited, too.
- As long as I don't talk.
(audience laughs)
(applause)
(upbeat swing music)
- Oh, Mr. Marceau, are
all Frenchman as romantic
as people say?
- I don't know, Misseur.
I have never been out with one.
(audience laughs)
- Priests should make
perfect husbands.
After all, they've already
taken vows of poverty,
chastity, and obedience.
(audience laughs)
- I do a lot of charity work.
I spent all day yesterday
reading to the deaf.
(audience laughs)
- You know, we only went
into Vietnam as advisors.
Last week our planes
dropped over 400,000 tons
of advice.
(audience laughs)
- Hello.
You should've been with
Iris and Rose last night.
A couple of party
plants if I ever saw any.
(audience laughs)
- It's very good for to watch
television in the US of A.
In the old country,
everyone has TV set in room
but it watches you.
(audience laughs)
- Last night a big brute
jumped out of the bushes
and hugged me and
kissed me for hours before
he could get away.
(audience laughs)
- I have a wonderful idea.
- Hmm.
- Let's go up to my place
and watch Johnny Carson.
- I've got a better
idea, why don't we go
to your place and let
Johnny Carson watch us?
(audience laughs)
- You know, I had to
quit the Peace Corps.
I couldn't take anymore
of their backward ways.
- Oh really, what were
you, a missionary in some
primitive country?
- No, private secretary
to Mayor Daley.
(Audience laughs)
- Boris and I go to this
nudist camp but they
let us hide behind
musical instruments.
My Boris is a bass
fiddle and me, well...
(holds operatic note)
- My Granddaddy, the Colonel
taught us never, ever, ever
to go out with a colored girl.
Especially to a public place.
(audience laughs)
- I never admitted this
before but on our honeymoon
my wife's mother slept
in the same room with us.
Did you ever try to save a
good yell til you go outside?
(audience laughs)
- You think you could
put this show on French
television?
- You couldn't even put this
show on French postcards.
(audience laughs)
(applause)
- And now, back to
Buck Rogers and Wilma.
(audience laughs)
(sTrain chugs by)
(audience laughs)
(buzz)
- NBC, beautiful
downtown Burbank.
Just one moment, I'll check.
No, madam.
That's not dirty.
Well, not according to
my Funk and Wagnall's.
- I don't know, I have
never been out with one.
- Now it's time once
again, dear friends,
to award our flying
fickle finger of fate.
- And who gets it this week?
- The 538 members
of the electoral college.
Now as you may or may
not know, our next President
will be the candidate
who receives the majority.
- Well, I certainly hope so.
- Now, I want you
to pay attention.
Should neither Mr. Nixon
nor Mr. Humphrey receive
a majority, the election
would then be thrown
into the House of
Representatives who would
decide among themselves
who will be the next President.
- Is this going to
take much longer?
- No not very much.
Now let's say that
George Wallace carries
only Rhode Island this year.
- Blow in their ears,
they'll vote for anybody.
(audience laughs)
- Rhode Island, the
smallest state with four
electoral votes.
Let's say that Mr. Nixon
and Mr. Humphrey tie.
- Fascinating Doctor
Zargoff, do go on.
- I intend to.
The election would then
be thrown into the House
of Representatives.
- Hmm, so what?
- So what?
Well, that simply means
they could then elect
George Wallace
our next President.
- Oh ho.
Let's give it to the
electoral college.
- That's what we intend to do.
Goldie, bring in
the award please.
- Buenos dias, las
ciénagas and (laughs)tacos.
(laughing)
- What's that, Goldie?
- Well, I'm just
practicing my Spanish.
- Oh, you going to Berlitz?
- No, but (laughs),
if George Wallace gets
elected on four votes,
I'm moving to Argentina.
(audience laughs)
- Electoral college, you've
got this coming to you.
- La, la, la, la.
Dum dee dum dee doo dee
dumb dee dumpty dum dum.
Ah, wanna taste my fudge sickle?
(audience laughs)
Like me to give
you a fudge sickle?
(audience laughs)
Would you like to go
get me a fudge sickle?
(audience laughs)
- Speaking of Air Force One.
(audience laughs)
We take you now aboard
the Presidential plane.
- Well Senator Derkshill,
I see we're coming
in over the great state
of California with its
40 electoral votes.
(audience laughs)
There's my island of
Catalina down there.
- Mr. President, I don't
believe that is the great
island of Catalina.
- Well, if you doubt
me, just ask the pilot.
- Oh, Mr. Pilot, Mr. Pilot.
- Buenos dias, Senors,
coffee, tea, or rum?
Welcome to Havana, cha cha cha.
(audience laughs)
- My name is Jose
Jimenez and I can't thank
Berlitz enough.
- Go like this and say wrong.
- Jump through this.
- Oh, there's a lot
of that going around.
- You bet your sweet bippy.
- I wouldn't dare bet
my bippy, I need it
in my work.
- Here come the judge.
- 30 days for picking pockets.
- Your honor, can't you
reduce that case down
to fishing without license?
- No, get out of here.
(audience laughs)
- Hello, who's there?
- [Male] Trick or treat.
(cheerful music)
- Treat.
(audience laughs)
- You know that's not
good for your health.
(coughing)
(audience laughs)
(audience laughs)
(knocking at door)
- Trick or treat.
- Trick.
(playful music)
- Honeysuckle.
- But first, here's a
commercial giving
you kiddies just 60 seconds
to hustle your mommy's
and daddy's off to bed
before the real fun starts.
(audience laughs)
- I have one question, what
was Spiro Agnew's name
before Professor
Backwards got ahold of it?
(audience laughs)
- And I'll have the shrimps.
- Yes, sir.
Sorry, Shrimp, he wants yours.
(audience laughs)
- Hey, I've been
meaning to ask you.
How about a little
dinner after the show?
- I'm not hungry, I
had a little bite across
the street.
- Over at the
topless restaurant?
- Yeah, it wasn't
very good though.
- Poor baby.
- Yeah, my waitress
was so thin, I demanded
to see the managers.
(audience laughs)
- Back home, if the
kids are good, we let
'em watch this show.
And if they're bad,
we make 'em watch it.
(audience laughs)
(slow instrumental music)
(cloth rips)
- It is easier for the camera
to pass through the eye
of the needle then for the
flower girl to be tailor made.
(audience laughs)
- Sweet brothers and
sisters, ask yourself
this question.
You've seen all them
ads about new tires,
safer tires,
blowout proof tires.
Steel-rim tires guaranteed
for 40,000 miles.
Puncture proof tires,
you've seen all them ads.
Then ask yourself this question.
How come they always
make you take five?
I have a fun walk
Down this street before
But the heat is on
And I'm not walking
anymore (laughs)
(fun music)
(audience laughs)
- And now, here
are the big kids.
- What's the subject of
mad, mad world tonight?
- Strange you should
ask that question.
- Mmm.
- We don't have one tonight.
- Well then, who
are we saluting?
- We're not saluting anybody.
- But that's my favorite
part of the show.
- Well now, I'm delighted
and happy to learn
there's something
about it that you like.
- Yeah, every week when
that girl dances around
with the things
written all over her.
- Yeah, graffiti.
- Is she Italian?
(audience laughs)
I don't care if she's
Italian, I love her.
- No, that's body painting.
- No wonder Van
Gogh lost an ear.
- What are you talking about?
- Probably got a nibble
off between paragraphs.
(Laughing)
- Hey, have you
ever painted ladies?
- No, but I've
whitewashed a few.
- Oh, that's a no no.
- You know, actually
girls love it, Dick.
- I know a girl
who has clastics.
- clastics?
- Yeah...
- Is that anything
like classics?
- That's a plastic classic.
- A plastics, she has classics.
- All over her body, painted.
- The painter
painted it on her body.
Shakespeare?
- No, Helen.
(laughing)
- I mean, Helen has
the classics painted
on her body.
- That's funny, so does Helen.
- Has she?
What has she got on her body?
- Last night I read
War and Peace.
- Oh no, I can't... (laughing)
Moving right along, I
can't imagine Tolstoy's
words painted on a ladies body.
- It beats reading cue cards.
- I suppose it would.
(audience laughs)
Listen, I think we've
heard enough about Helen
and her clastics.
- War, it's classics, Dan.
- Classics, I'm sorry.
- Watch that.
You know, War and Peace
will never be the same.
- Helen leave town?
- No, but she took a shower
and wiped out the whole
Russian army.
(laughing)
- Meanwhile, back
at the colleges.
(upbeat dance music)
- Well Blockie, we've
had our eye on you
ever since you started
playing college football
and you're good.
- Ah gee, thanks.
- Now we know you only
have one year of college left
but, we'd like you to
join the Titans today.
- Yeah?
Well thanks.
- We're prepared to offer
you a new car, apartment,
complete wardrobe,
and oh $65,000 a year.
What do you say?
Will you do it?
- You've gotta be kiddin'?
And take a cut in salary?
(upbeat dance music)
- Ready, Ms. Johnson?
- Ready, Professor.
- Ready, Mr. Carter?
- Ready, Professor.
- Good.
And now students, lesson
five in comparative anatomy.
- And that's how mama socked
it to the Harper Valley PTA.
- The biggest news
in college is change.
Everywhere on the campus,
always are being replaced
by the new.
(laughs)
- Oh hi, mom.
It's Ruby here at college.
I especially like the dorm.
You want to talk to my roommate?
- Hi, Mrs. Harmon.
No, it's Bruno.
Oh, yeah.
Franny's doing just fine.
Yeah, all the guys
love having her here
at West Point.
(upbeat music)
- I'm here to dispel
the notion that athletes
are dumb.
You know what I mean?
I'm attending this college
on an American history
scholarship.
(clears throat)
Four score and uh,
four score and uh,
oh yeah, four score and
center gets the rebound.
(upbeat music)
- So, (giggles).
You want to go back to
teaching, huh Mr. Johnson?
- That is correct.
- Well, I'm sure there's
some subject that
you can handle
at a college level.
Now, you just let
me check my list.
I'm sure there's
something here that, uh,
what did you have
in mind, Mr. Johnson?
- I thought there was a
great number of things
I could teach at a
college level, for instance
public speaking.
I've had a great deal
of experience at that.
- Oh. (laughs)
Yeah, yeah, well,
that's a thought.
A thought.
- Maybe government.
I've had many years of
experience in government
at the Federal level.
You know my record there.
(laughs)
Oh, yep, government.
Quite a record. (laughing)
- Also, military tactics
might be another area.
Since I have commanded,
been commander in chief
of my own armed
forces for over five years.
That ought to
account for something.
- Oh, oh, it ought to.
(laughs)
It ought to.
- Possibly, languages.
Have you ever heard me
habla espanol, senorita?
(laughs)
- No, no not really.
- What do you think
would be my best bet?
- Oh, well, well, I don't
know quite how to say this,
Mr. President.
Do you really think it's
too late to run again?
- Well, there goes
the neighborhood.
(upbeat music)
(audience laughs)
- Goldie!
- Hmm?
- Hey, good news.
(giggling)
Our Laugh-In album has
gone into its 2nd pressing.
- Oh good, I'm so glad,
the 1st ones came out all
wrinkled.
- Ew, rude, rude.
- As a last goody, I
would like to appoint
the entire state of
Texas to Supreme Court.
(playful music)
(knocking on door)
- Trick or treat!
- Trick or treat!
- Boo!
- We'll take the treat.
(audience laughs)
- Well, they're bad people.
(parade music and cheering)
(engine revs)
(playful music)
(knocking at door)
- Who's there?
- [John] John Wayne.
Trick or treat.
- What's the trick?
- I'm gonna kick this door down.
- What's the treat?
- Same thing.
(wood splintering)
(playful music)
(audience laughs)
- Shhhht.
- That's beautiful, Marcille.
- It's Marcel.
- Oh, I'm so glad
you changed it.
- Hello, hello, hello.
This is it folks.
If we don't have a
commercial now, we'll have
to pass a ruddy hat.
- I'd be a great dancer
except for two reasons.
This foot, that foot.
- There's a big finish, folks.
- Meanwhile back at the
beautiful downtown Burbank
home for the hopelessly quiet.
(upbeat music)
- Yes, Marcel, but how do
you feel about secretaries
being replaced by machines?
- I don't know, I've
never been out as one.
(audience laughs)
- I took up a collection
for a man in our office,
but I didn't get
enough to buy one.
- In the old country, people
work only four days a week
in office.
Other three days a week
free, to work in factory.
- You know, I don't
believe in taking the office
home with you at night,
well a couple of guys maybe
but, not the whole office.
- We have an annual
affair at our office.
This year it was Mr. Lafferty
and the bookkeeper.
(laughs)
- In my office in Mobile
there are two things
I do not allow.
Don't allow no prejudices.
Don't allow no Negroes.
- Modern office methods
have even affected
the church.
Nowadays we have original
sin and three carbon copies.
- Do you have a girl Friday?
- Yeah, but my Wednesday
afternoons are still open.
- Dad treats his
employees like his family.
Last Christmas he cut out
400 people without a cent.
- In Paris we have a
marvelous way to exercise
at the office.
Every afternoon we take
a dip in the secretary pool.
- Our group health plan
is operating at a loss.
Mr. Golden says we
either have to cut out our
maternity benefits or do
away with the cast parties.
(upbeat music)
(applause)
- The thumbnail,
by Henry Gibson.
Hummmm.
Did you ever stop to figure why
The thumbnail is so hard
Well it hasn't got much choice
What with all that skin to guard
It may look fat and pudgy
But it's heart is good and true
It's prettier than the toenail
And easier to chew
(audience laughs)
- Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
With your kind
indulgence, I would
like to run over my music.
(audience laughs)
(whoops)
- These are my kind of people.
Coo coo's.
(slow music)
- Oh, Marcel.
(laughing)
You're really handsome and cute.
(laughing)
But you're weird.
(bangs into door)
(slams door)
(applause)
- Hey, he's great.
- He sure is, but he's
no Henny Youngman.
- Who is this Henny Youngman?
- What do they know
about love uptown?
- With a little help she
could sit up by herself.
- Well I'm not going to get
stuck with a 20 year mortgage.
- But he keeps his
underwear in that drawer.
- I don't know
what's in that pill,
but it tastes like peppermint.
- And one in the
back for dancing.
- Oh, that Henny Youngman.
- And now, darlings,
it's time for potpourri.
- Potpourri?
- Sure, Dick, you
remember, we do a lot
of nutty things and
we call it potpourri.
- Potpourri?
- I got a better idea.
Why don't we do
potpourri and call it
a lot of nutty little things.
- Listen, if it
feels good, do it.
- That's a no no.
- Better in that.
- Excuse me, this
may seem a bit strange,
but I left a pair of
shoes to be fixed here
back in 1943.
I was just on my into
the service, you know?
And, I don't suppose you
still have them, do you?
- Let me see here now.
Let me see, let me see.
(mumbling)
Ah, yes, we do have them here.
They should be ready Friday.
- Hey, mister, could
you give me five dollars
for my sick mother?
- Why, certainly, son,
here's your five dollars.
- Gee, thanks.
Here's my mother.
- Meanwhile, back at the front.
- In an election year, it
is the government's policy
to brief all
presidential candidates
on anything which
might eventually
concern them if elected.
We assume this applies
to the major candidates,
but you know...
- Well, sir, since you're
the presidential candidate
of the communist party and
duly recognized political body
in the United States, dedicated
to the overthrow of the country,
it is my job to inform
you what is happening
in our government today.
Now, these are
classified booklets
containing all the
information you might require.
This is the NATO defense plan,
the economic state of the union,
the Vietnam war,
the war on poverty.
- Is that all?
- Oh, no, not by any means.
Here's the file on the CIA,
and the microfilm of the FBI.
And this half page is
everything we have on the Mafia.
- This can't be everything.
Just because I'm a communist,
don't try to slough me off.
I demand all the
information that Johnson
gave Vice President Humphrey.
- Oh, why didn't you say so?
There, now you're
on equal terms.
- And now it's time
for our Laugh-In poll,
so take it away, Dick Martin.
- I didn't know Dick
Martin was Polish.
- You're really weird, Goldie.
- Dick Martin here
with our Laugh-In poll.
And our question of the week is,
are you in favor
of or opposed to
the passage of gun legislation?
Sir, how do you feel
about gun legislation?
- Negative, it stinks.
A lot of nuts
running around loose
and I demand the right to
protect myself from them.
- Well, just who is it
that you're afraid of?
- Him.
(knocking)
- Who's there?
- [Cary] Cary Grant.
- Oh, Cary Grant.
Oh, you're not Cary Grant.
That's a rotten trick.
- Wait until you see
what your treat is.
- That joke was
planted in Kansas
and it yielded 10 ears.
(phone ringing)
- Jethro.
It's Stassin, he wants to know
if you'll run with him.
- Which Jenny
Jungwin do they mean?
- [Operator] Operator.
- Uh, yeah, could
you call me a cab?
- [Operator] Certainly, sir.
You're a cab.
- That Henny Youngman.
(knocking)
- Who's there?
- [Raquel] Raquel
Welch, trick or treat.
- What's the treat?
- [Female Voice]
I'm coming in there
and making mad,
passionate, love to you.
- What's the trick?
- [Female Voice] This is a
recorded announcement.
(train horn)
(audience laughing)
(car speeding by)
- Poulet.
- Oh, poulet, isn't that
French for shi-cone?
- I don't know, I never
went out with one.
You have blown in my
ear, I shall follow you
around the world.
- Oh, you look nice, and
I like your broach, Judy.
- Hello.
- It's really pretty.
- What?
- Your broach.
- Oh, my locket.
- No, no, no, your broach.
- It may be broach to
you, but it's locket to me.
It's not fair, you know,
that's really pushing it.
'Cause I distinctly
said, locket to me,
lock, lock, you know, didn't I?
- Well, that's a
lock there for you.
- Yeah, that there's a lock.
- Well.
- Well, it's heavy,
but at least it's dry.
It's not fair, fellas.
Now, I didn't say sock it
to me, did I, it's not right.
- Didn't say what?
- Sock it to me.
- Anything you say.
- Ow, you old fool.
- What'd you say?
- You old fool.
- Oh.
- You sock it to me
and I'll bite your nose.
(whimsical classical music)
- And now it's time for
the Laugh-In news report
with news of the past,
present, and future.
Confidentially, if
any of you have to,
well, make a phone
call, (laughing)
why don't you go
ahead, because I don't
think I'm gonna be on for about
three and a half minutes, okay?
(mischievous music)
What's the news
across the nation
We have got the information
In a way we hope will
amuse you (cackling)
We just love to
give you our news
La, da, ti, da (cackling)
Ladies and gents,
Laugh-In looks at
the news (cackling)
Whoo, here's Dan!
- And now, with the
news of the present,
here's the man to whom the
news wouldn't be the news
without the news, here's Dicky.
- Before the news, I
must say, that's the most
beautiful dance
I have ever seen.
- I screwed up another one.
- Hollywood, today's
screen star, Raquel Welch
suffered severe chest
injuries in a freak automobile
accident.
She was given mouth
to mouth resuscitation
by 68 volunteers who also
suffered severe chest injuries.
Millionaire industrialist
Howard Hughes will soon
expand his land empire.
If (bleep) accepts his
latest offer of $27.50.
Spokesman in (bleep)
said (bleep) government
was insulted, infuriated,
and would hold to the original
asking price of $26.
(audience laughs)
- That is a no no.
- And now, take it away, Goldie.
(drum roll)
- And now looking into
the future, all for the news
of the future, here is our
future news of the future
from our news of the future man.
(giggles)
Here's our future man, Dan.
Oh.
- No, no, no, Goldie,
don't feel at all distressed.
I think you're getting better.
(giggles)
- You do?
- Yeah.
- Oh, well thanks, Dick.
And listen, if you see
Dan, will you tell him
I just introduced him?
- Oh, I'll do it.
(audience laughs)
Washington 1988,
20 years from now.
In line with its many
recent decisions regarding
apprehension of criminals,
the Supreme Court
today ruled that police
officers may not search
the suspects without
a search warrant.
However, the suspect may
search the police officers
providing he warns
them of their rights first.
- There's another no no.
Hollywood, 1988,
20 years from now.
Nudity in movies reached
its peak today when
Sophia Loren and Audrey
Hepburn appeared before
the cameras topless
in the title rolls
of Ma and Pa Kettle Go to Town.
(audience laughs)
- Now Laugh-In takes a
look at the news of the past.
We take you back through
history to the Roman Empire
into the private
chambers of Julius Caesar,
emperor, King, supreme
ruler, and all that jazz.
- Oh mighty, Caesar.
A gift from the people of Egypt.
- You're kidding?
(audience laughs)
(flute music)
Just what I always wanted.
A beautiful oriental rug.
It's terrific.
- Hello again.
Now here's what you've
all been waiting for.
Alan Sues with the
Alan Sues Sports Scene.
- Hi, Big Al here, the
old football bull pen
with another Big
Al Sports Scene.
(bell rings)
Featurette, here are
the results of the last
race at Hialeah.
Pink Blossoms one,
Violet Orange came in 2nd,
and Purple Roses came in 3rd.
You should've seen them
bunched up at the home stretch.
Pink Blossom, Violet
Orange, Purple Roses.
Oh, it was enough
to slap a decorator.
(audience laughs)
Clash, clash,
criminal, clash, oh, hey.
I hate it. Oh!
- And that about wraps
up our Laugh-In news report
for tonight, friends.
- We'll look for ya tomorrow
morning with Hugh Downs.
- We're not on today
or tomorrow morning.
- How about Johnny Carson?
- We're not on tonight,
tomorrow night either.
- We're not on today,
tomorrow morning,
or tonight, tomorrow night.
- Nope.
- Well, when are we on?
- Now.
- I used to know all that stuff.
(audience laughs)
- It is with heavy heart
that I submit to you
that I think I've got it too.
- Well now, that's
what this show needs.
More social comment.
- Hello.
- One second.
- Okay.
- One, two, three.
- Oh, that's cute.
Can I do that then?
- Of course.
- All right.
- Take the umbrella.
- Thank you.
- Press here.
- Okay.
Yeah.
- Voila.
How's that then?
(audience laughs)
It didn't happen to him, did it?
I mean, it's not fair, is it?
I mean they always get me.
Not him, cause he's a foreigner.
(knocking at door)
- Who's there?
- [Howard] Howard Hughes.
Trick or treat.
- What's the treat?
- [Howard] I'm going to
give you five million dollars.
- What's the trick?
- [Howard] Find me.
(audience laughs)
(engine revs)
(upbeat music)
(audience laughs)
(coins clinking)
(Donald Duck sounds)
(knocking at door)
- Who is it?
- [Hugh] Hugh Hefner.
Trick or treat.
(gasps)
- Wow. (giggles)
What's the treat?
- [Hugh] You've
got to be kidding.
- What are you doing, baby?
- It's vanishing cream.
- Does it work?
- I don't know.
I never tried it.
- Guess it doesn't work.
(audience laughs)
- You have anything
you would like to say?
(slow music)
(speaking French)
(gunshot)
(audience laughs)
(knocking at door)
- Who's there?
- [Shorty] Shorty Dessell.
Trick or treat.
- What's the treat?
- [Shorty] I just married
an 18 year old girl
and I'm going on my honeymoon.
- What's the trick?
- [Shorty] Getting back.
(audience laughs)
- [Operator] Dukes
answering service.
- Any messages for
Ms. Gladys Ormfby?
- [Operator] A man
with a raspy voice called.
He said he wanted to
rip your clothes to shreds.
(gasps)
Put whipped cream
all over your body.
(gasps)
And tickle you with
an ostrich feather til you
scream for mercy.
(gasps)
- Did he leave his number?
(audience laughs)
I always think of
you Oh, my mother
Tears well up in my eyes
I think of all those things
That were a snap
And the football games
With mustard in my
lap (audience laughs)
- And now, a short
salute to masochism.
(bell dings)
Boy that feels good.
(audience laughs)
- And now before
we forget, I'd like
to merry you all
a wish Christmas.
- Well done.
- I'm just standing
here ringing my chimes.
Whew!
Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la
Ho-ho-ho ha-ha-ha
La-la-la-la la-la-la-la
Ring those jingle bells
You better not stop
them credit cards
Start to work twice as long
Having you get in
earlier this year Ho ho
Start opening up
those charge accounts
Start to charge large amounts
We're grabbing your
savings earlier this year
Ho ho Get out and spend it all
Never heed this warning
You'll be in bankruptcy
Early Christmas morning
Start bringing your
dog to Santa Claus
In those tight little paws
We're coming to get
you earlier this year
Ho ho Jingle bells, jingle bells
Daddy's gonna pay
Come down to your
department store
And buy everything in sight
Donner is fine, Vixen is too
Dancer's gonna sock it to you
We will kill your
Christmas spirit
Ha ha ha ha ha ha
You do it for the kids
Shirley, Tom and Hershel
No need to flip your lids
Cause we've gone commercial
We're hoping next
year you'll start to buy
On the fourth of July
We're comin to get
ya earlier each year
Ho ho ho ho Early early
La-la-la-la la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la la-la-la-la
Merry Christmas
(applause)
- I'm dreaming of
a white Christmas.
(audience laughs)
(engine revs)
(motorcycle engine revs)
(engine revs)
(speaking Spanish)
Here come the judge.
- You've been accused
of cavorting with men
What do you have to say?
- Ha ha ha, fun, ha ha ha ha.
Get out of here!
- I wonder if you'd
hold this on your lap.
The toaster's on the fritz.
(audience laughs)
- (Knocking at door)
- Trick or treat!
- It's about time you came home.
- She's getting all the candy.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat music)
(holds musical note)
(muffled yelps)
- Well, it's time to
say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Hey, who's Dick?
- At this time I
would like to say,
goodnight Dick.
And goodnight, Spiro.
- Yeah, and uh, you
know how I always start
to tell ya about
next weeks show?
- Yeah.
- And you always interrupt me.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, well this time be quiet.
Next week we got a
show, boy that is gonna-
- You wouldn't believe
what my aunt did.
(laughs)
You just wouldn't believe it.
- Your aunt, huh?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Not your uncle?
- No, my aunt.
- Yeah.
- She was over in Paris.
- In Paris.
- Yeah, she's over in Paris.
That's in France you know?
- I guess.
- And she was water
skiing on the Seine River.
- On the Seine?
- Yes, with a live
koala bear and uh...
- In Paris?
- In Paris, yeah, and
she was just rippin' along
the Seine there on water
skis and she got arrested.
(laughing)
- Got arrested, because
of the koala bear?
- Yeah, I thought
maybe what she said
when she came out of
the Bastille, you know,
they threw her int he Bastille.
- Oh, they threw
her in the Bastille.
What did she say?
- She came out of
there and she said that
koala bears are
fun but I don't know.
I have never been out with one.
(laughing)
- Say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight everybody.
(applause)
(upbeat music)
- In a Mexican movie,
the one with the mustache
is the hero.
- In an Italian movie,
that's the heroine.
- Blow in her ear.
She'll follow you anywhere.
- The American bald
eagle flies higher than any
other bird, that's
because it's embarrassed.
- Wait a minute.
Does it fly higher
than a shi-cone?
(holds long music note)
- Hey Goldie.
- Yes.
- What's the
definition of acoustic?
- Ah, it's what they use
when they play pool.
(audience laughs)
- Well, my cousin
in Poland bought
two snow tires last week.
- How did he like them?
- They melted.
(audience laughs)
- Why do hippies
wear all that long hair?
- Well, what would
you do with it?
- Why is one missing?
- Who else do you call?
- Henny Youngman is alive
and living in the joke wall.
- Hey, Blaine, your
marriage is breaking up.
- Well, I don't
know about my wife,
but it sure breaks me up.
(laughs)
- What would you
get if you crossed
a kangaroo with a
um nice Jewish girl?
- A very upset Jewish mother.
- Wait a minute!
There's another upset
Jewish mother joke.
A side order of chicken soup.
- My ancestors go as
far back as Columbus.
- I had an uncle that
went back to Cleveland.
(audience laughs)
- I don't know, I never
went out with one.
I don't even know one.
(audience laughs)
(whistling)
(audience laughs)
(upbeat music)
(whimsical music)
(knocking at door)
- Trick or treat.
- [Male] I think
I'll take the trick.
- Okay, control.
Sounding down.
Five, four, three, two, one.
(explosion)
(audience laughs)
- This program was
recorded earlier because
the cast spends
Monday nights with their
analysts.
- Very interesting.
But they'll never
get it on the air.
Goodnight, Lucy.
I love you, liption.
You too, Gary.
- I don't know.
I have never been out with one.
(applause)
(beeping)