Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 2, Episode 10 - Episode #2.10 - full transcript
Sketches include Tiny Tim the musketeer, Big Al's sports news, Tyrone F. Hornie visits Gladys, Phyllis introduces the news, Tiny Tim and cast sing of stout-hearted men, and Phyllis, Rod, ...
- [Announcer] The following
program is brought to you
in living color on NBC.
- As Michelangelo said
as he finished painting
the ceiling of the
Sistine Chapel,
"And now they tell me
they wanted wallpaper."
- George Wallace did so
much for the minorities, I hear
they're planning to present
him with a key to the ghetto.
- Hey Art.
- Yes?
- When did you start
wearing a girdle?
- Oh, since my
wife found the girdle
in the glove
compartment of my car.
- Oh good, Art.
- Do you know what
cigarette consumption is?
- Yes, (coughing) and
I think I've got it, too.
- You know what, my
computer dating service
just found me the perfect
gentlemen (laughing).
I'm gonna give him one
more chance, though.
- My uncle crossed a
camel with a baseball player.
- What did he get?
- A hump-ire.
- Judy?
- Yes?
- What do you think
of Governor Reagan?
- Oh, he's too
hippie-critical for me.
- I went to a couple of
topless bars last week,
and that's it.
Once you've seen
two, you've seen em all.
- Oh I love the snow!
Especially in the summer
when you least expect it.
- The new left claims
they're really right.
And the new right
claims they're really left.
No wonder America doesn't
know which way to turn.
- My analyst knows
your analyst and he says
you've gotta be
nuts to go to that guy!
- I'm Phyllis Diller
and I've got a secret.
- I'm Phyllis Diller
and I am a secret.
- My name is Phyllis Diller
and you won't believe my secret.
- My name is Phyllis
Diller and I forgot my secret.
- My name is Tiny Tim and
I'm Ms. Phyllis Diller's secret.
- Come with me, Tiny Tim,
you'll be a better person for it.
- Blow in my ear,
I'll do an hour.
(snoring)
- Hi, Dick.
- Hello, Per.
- And now, from the
beautiful downtown Burbank
Heart Transplant and
Shoe Repair Parlor,
NBC proudly presents,
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In.
(audience applauding)
Starring Dan Rowan
and Dick Martin.
With guest star Tiny Tim.
Special guest
star, Phyllis Diller.
And Judy Carne,
Arte Johnson.
With Ruth Buzzi, Henry
Gibson, Goldie Hawn,
Dave Madden, Alan Sues,
Sweet Brother Dick Wittington,
Jo Anne Worley and
Pigmeat Markham.
The fun couple, Mitzi
McCall and Charlie Brill.
Chelsea Brown.
Yours truly, Gary Owens, and
Margul as the friendly Droug.
(shrieking)
- That's for all of you who
thought I was just another
pretty face.
- Isn't this something?
Just when you get the
show off to a flying start,
NBC cuts in with a commercial.
And there's no way
to stop this network.
They'd even cut off a star
in the middle of a sent...
- Portions of tonight's
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In
are brought to you by Breck.
- Famous products
for the care of your hair.
- Beautiful hair always
begins with Breck.
(sighing)
Oh cute, cute.
Sock it to me.
- That's not funny.
- And now.
Don't worry, I saved the Breck.
- This proves the best
things in life are free.
I stole these (laughing)!
- Breck Shampoo takes
care of your hair's complexion,
the same gentle way beauty soap
takes care of your
skin's complexion.
- I love Breck, it's delicious!
- Breck Shampoo
comes in three formulas.
Dry, Normal and
Oily (shrieking).
- Now here are the
stars of Laugh-In.
Two men who have been
chasing me all day long
til I thought I'd
never catch them.
Dan Rowan and the Flying
Fingers of Dick Martin.
(audience applauding)
(drumroll)
- Good evening.
Hey, I guess like the
rest of us, you're looking
forward to Thursday.
- What's so special
about Thursday?
- Well, most American
families have Thursday circled
on their calendars,
have a date with a bird.
- I gotta date with a
bird every Thursday.
- Ah, the bird I'm
talking about is a turkey,
stuffed with goodies.
(laughing)
- That's the bird
I'm talking about.
- I don't want to
hear about your bird.
- You wouldn't
believe her stuffing.
- Thursday is a national day
of Thanksgiving, now certainly
you have a good many things
to be thankful about young man.
- Oh, I'll let you know
Thursday long about midnight.
- Let me tell you about this.
It all started in 1621.
- Well I was in 1538 and
it was quite a party there.
- I'm talking about pilgrims.
- Oh I'm talking about Jolene.
- I don't want to hear
about Jolene, you see.
Now let me weave this
tale of wonderment for you.
The pilgrims came
here from Europe, see?
And after a winter of
sickness and hardship,
all they had to look
forward to was a new spring.
- Sleeping on the
ground a little tough, huh?
- Hehehe.
Now one day a
friendly Indian taught em
how to cultivate
corn and barley...
- Is this gonna take long?
- I don't know, I
haven't heard it yet.
But a friendly Indian taught
em how to cultivate corn,
and barley and peas, and
in the autumn of that year,
when the crops were harvested.
(snoring)
Come on, pay attention.
(audience and Dick laughing)
This is the story
of Thanksgiving.
Now the pilgrims
called all the women
in the colony together.
- Ah ha!
First shrewd move I've heard.
- And they gave em turkeys.
- Sure they did, and
told em to go stuff em!
- Wait a minute, do you
know where the Indians were?
- In 1621, I think they
were in third place that year?
- Come on, now get this picture.
All the braves came to
their party and they brought
their squas.
- They weren't so brave or
they'd've brought
their girlfriends.
- First thing you know, you
know what the Indians said
when they arrived, just as
the festive table was all set
up in the forest, you
know what they said?
- Who's got the beer opener?
- Thank you, this doesn't
seem to make it with you, huh?
- I'll celebrate my turkey...
- You'll what with your turkey?
- I'll celebrate it.
- Celebrate your turkey.
- Ill celebrate my
turkey with all the, what?
My turkey, I'll celebrate
it when I want to.
- Sure.
- When all the guys come home
from Vietnam to
celebrate it with me.
- Oh no, no, no.
They don't have to
come home to do that.
- They got a turkey in Vietnam?
- Have they ever.
Our foreign policy.
- That's a turkey
I'd like to stuff.
- You can't say that!
- I bet they'd let Henny
Youngman say it.
- I wonder which Henny
Youngman they mean?
- If I could, I wouldn't
need the Talcum powder.
- On the moon, that's
how they make cars.
- You idiot, that's
the apples girl.
- There go my Sundays.
- You know from up here it
does look like them dancing.
- Gets out of this,
let's call him Houdini.
- Don't you know, the
hunt's been called off?
- Oh that Henny Youngman?
- Another magical,
unforgettable, musical moment.
- Good, what do
you want me to sing?
- Not you, you dingaling.
Jo Anne Worley, and our own
Laugh-In discovery, Tiny Tim,
in a rousing rendition
of Sweetheart.
Incidentally, Tiny Tim
will play the Mountie.
- Tiny Tim's a Mountie?
- Yes, Tiny Tim as the Mountie.
- I didn't know that.
- Pay attention.
Now Jo Anne starts the song
and Tiny Tim follows along.
- Sure, blow in his ear,
he'll follow you anywhere.
(singing "Sweetheart")
- Sweetheart
sweetheart sweetheart
Will you love me ever,
to life's cold gray ember?
Will you remember,
springtime, lovetime, May!
(audience applauding)
- (Singing) Dream along with me.
- Oh that's good, you know.
But (laughing),
you're no Tiny Tim.
- Good evening, my
name is Joseph Cotton.
I enjoy this program except
for these incessant Polish jokes
which continually
creep in to Laugh-In.
Polish jokes are degrading
to our great, great nation.
After all, you love your
beautiful downtown Burbank,
how would you feel if people
told jokes about Burbank?
- Spoken as a gentleman.
- I'll tell you something, Joe.
You hit it right where it
hurts when you mentioned
beautiful downtown Burbank.
- Incidentally, speaking of
beautiful downtown Burbank,
do you know how many
Burbankians it takes
to change a light bulb?
- No.
- Me neither.
- Five.
One to hold the light
bulb, four to turn the ladder.
- Oh that's not funny.
- It is written that as the
Shah grows more ancient
and venerable, the dents
he made in the stream
more of his youth
and pomegranates.
- Look that up in your
Funk and Wagnall.
- What's a Wagnall?
- The only reason I do
this show is I like the prize.
- Thank you my dear, come on.
- Dahling, here comes a judge.
(gavel banging)
- I have a hammer with
a whole lot of muster.
A big piece of apple pie with
a hunk of cheese on apology.
- But Judge, we're in
session, I can't leave now.
- Oh yes you can.
That's a court order.
- Split the $50,000
and I told the...
- Hello Dan, Dick.
- Hi, Judy.
Hey you look spiffy.
- Yeah.
- You bet your sweet
bippy she looks spiffy.
- I feel spiffy.
- Why is that?
- Well, we've been
on the air five minutes,
I haven't even been hit yet.
I haven't even had the usual
bucket of water or anything,
it's been smashing.
Oh, Dick, cute, real cute.
(laughing)
Liked it, funny Dick.
- Now I don't know how
you think about this, Dick,
but we oughtta cut it out,
we gotta stop hitting Judy
all the time.
- Yeah I understand, we've
been getting a lot of calls
on it.
- Yeah.
(buzzer buzzing)
- NBC, beautiful
downtown Burbank.
Oh, I quite agree
with you Madam.
Oh, excuse me, Sir.
Yeah, it's terrible the
way they hit that poor girl.
She's the most talented
one in the whole ruddy bunch
if you ask me.
And she didn't even
say "Sock it to me."
(water splashing)
(playful music)
- Why I Like King
Kong, by Henry Gibson.
I like King Kong because
he is always so very original.
Well, take for example the
way he does not go around
aping others.
In addition, he's a manly old
monster, and has a handshake
you won't soon forget.
But most of all, he thinks
big and never takes no guff
from the airlines.
If it were not for King Kong,
there'd be too much banana.
(piano music)
- (Singing) You'll never kno...
Kno... Kno...
- That's easy for you to say.
- Honey, can you
give the little fishy
fresh water today?
- Why, they didn't drink
what I gave them yesterday?
(laughing)
- You're a regular
Johnny Weissmuller.
- What's that got to do with it?
- Swim.
- Hello.
How about that,
she socked it to him?
(water splashing)
- Hey, you hear about the
beautiful downtown Burbank
race driver?
Made eight pit stops, two
for gas, six for directions.
- I feel good, I was up at
the crack of six this morning,
took a brisk walk
to the bathroom,
was back in bed at 6:05.
(laughing)
- That's terrible.
- Cooking hint number 768.
Always keep your recipes
pasted on little cards.
For instance, here's one.
Boil water and add flour.
That's very important
because that's what you use
to paste the little
recipes on the little cards.
(horns playing)
- We are trapped.
The King's men are in front
of us and the sea is behind us.
What say you, musketeers?
How will we get out of this?
- (singing) On the good ship.
(playful music)
(water splashing)
(playful music)
- Thank you, Lamont.
(playful music)
(slide whistle music)
(playful music)
- I've only one word
for this show: skidoo.
- Know why they don't
give people from Burbank
a coffee break?
Takes too long to retrain them.
- 40 years married
to the same woman.
People say, "How did you do it?"
Here's a secret, my wife and
I go to dinner twice a week.
Little candlelight, little wine,
she goes Tuesdays, I go Friday.
- Cooking hint number
411, always set the table
according to what
you're serving.
For example, when
I'm serving steak,
the hacksaw goes on the right.
(playful music)
(groaning)
(cuckoo clock chirping)
(cuckoo clock hiccuping)
- [Clock] Ah! You drunk! Cuckoo!
(playful music)
- Thank you, Lamont.
- It is my great pleasure
now to introduce the Laugh-In
News Report with the news
of the past, present, and future.
I just adore watching
you girls stumble through
that news song every week.
(laughing)
Reminds me a lot of Fang,
the night we lost the
key to the bathroom.
(sexy jazz music)
- (singing) What's the
news across the nation?
- (singing) We has
got the information.
- (singing) In a way we
hope will amuse yous
- (singing) We just love
to give you our news.
- (singing) La da ti da
Ladies and Gents,
Laugh-In looks at the news.
- Here's Dan.
(audience applauding)
- And now, with the
news of the present,
here's the man for whom
the news wouldn't be the news
without the news, here's Dicky.
(audience applauding)
- Hollywood.
Dean Martin suffered
severe concussions last night.
The accident occurred
while he was speeding home
and hit his head on a hydrant.
Moscow, another crisis
passed in the Kremlin today
when the moderates
and conservatives agreed
to forget their differences
and bury the hatchet.
They will bury it
in Czechoslovakia.
Washington, DC.
Ladybird Johnson today said
the next president is welcome
to use the Texas White
House as she and her husband
have no intention of leaving
the one in Washington.
And now, take it away Goldie.
(drum roll)
- And now with the
news of the future,
peering into this
crystal bell, here's Dan.
- That's ball, b-a-l-l, ball.
- Here's Ball, b-a-l-l!
- I was just a little worried.
I was in Goldie's dressing
room a few minutes ago,
and she doesn't
have a reflection.
1988, 20 years from now,
Secretary of State Dean Rusk, Jr.
Announced today the return
from North Korea of the captured
US Intelligence
Ship, Son of Pueblo.
California, 1988,
20 years from now.
Los Angeles finally
succeeded in catching up
with New York City today when
Mayor Shirley Temple Black
officially opened the newly
completed LA Subway System.
She was immediately mugged.
New York City, 1988,
20 years from now.
Tennessee Williams'
new play opened last night
and the entire audience
walked out en mass.
However, in the best
tradition of the theater,
the 53 actors involved
not only completed the play,
Orgy in Manhattan, but
remained on stage for 42 encores.
- Hello, with news
of the past, here I am
with the late General Custer,
who during his short career,
alienated President Grant,
the entire military establishment,
the seventh cavalry,
and every single
Indian in North America,
which culminated in
the worst military defeat
that United States
ever suffered.
What do you have to say
about this, General Custer?
- I kept telling them
I was no Errol Flynn.
- Laugh-In News Report
looks at the recent relaxation
in rules regarding the
adoption of children.
- Now you must understand,
Mr. and Mrs. Randers,
adopting a child imposes
many responsibilities.
We'll require the boy
must have his own room,
money set aside
for college education.
- A college education?
His own room?
But he's only one month old.
- And we suggest a move
to a better neighborhood.
An insurance policy
of substantial value,
and membership
in a country club.
- But that's impossible.
- Either you comply
with our requirements
or no baby for you.
- Alright, we'll
try it your way.
- And now all you sporty
poos, here's the Alan Sues
Sports Scene.
- Hi, Bay Al here on
the old baseball turf.
(bell ringing)
Featurette.
Last night, Big Al
covered the inter-collegiate
broad jumps.
Well, it was something
ole Big Al will never forget,
I'll tell you.
It's hard to tell which
team scored first.
Harvard or Vassar.
But they all had fun, and
that's what sports is all about.
Ta ta.
- That Big Al is something else.
- Go like this and go wrong,
go like this and go wrong,
go like this and go wrong.
- Go like this and
say, "Crazy Otto."
- Well all you newshounds,
that about wraps up
our Laugh-In News
Report for this week.
- I thought perhaps you might
like to hear something my aunt
once said to me.
- Well can you hold it for
the end, we don't do that
halfway through the show,
we've only done a half hour here.
- What's the matter,
NBC lose the movie?
- What are you talking
about, lose the movie?
Show's an hour long.
Every Monday night we do an
hour, you ought to hang around,
it's a lot of fun.
- I'm sorry, I have a lady
outside and she's waiting
and I don't want
her to catch cold.
- How's she gonna catch
cold, it's beautiful out tonight?
- Well I left her in the
car with her top down.
- Verbal?
- That's exactly why
the lady might catch cold.
- Be that as it may,
we now have another
unforgettable Laugh-In moment
as Tiny Tim and Ruth Buzzi
join hands and hearts
in the Italian Street Song.
(audience applauding)
- (singing notes)
(audience applauding)
- Know when the
Burbank Zoo closes?
At 6:00, when everybody
wants his dog back.
- Fellow walks up, he says,
"You seen a cop around here?"
Says "No," he
says "Stick em up."
- I sing the old songs,
they do the old jokes.
- Cooking hint number 306.
Some people ask
me how I fix eggs.
That's ridiculous.
Once they're broken,
there's no way to fix it.
- Alright Musketeers.
Athos, Porthos,
Aramis, this is it.
What sayeth?
How do we get close to the
palace without being seen?
- Tiptoe through the tulips.
(cuckoo clock chirping)
- There you are,
you filthy bird.
(swallowing)
- [Clock] Oh, it's
12:30 or around there.
Cuckoo!
- Dumb bird, you're never
gonna grow up to be an eagle.
(playful music)
(water splashing)
(playful music)
- Care for a Walnetto?
(playful music)
- Tulips?
- (singing) Oh here comes
a commercial, a commercial,
a commer-see-al, oh here
comes a commercial or three.
- (singing) On the
good ship Lollipop,
it's a short trip to
a commercial spot.
When you sign a play,
pays and pays.
- Have you seen aye a woman?
- No but didn't I pass you
in the supermarket today?
- (crying) Oh, I proposed
to four boys without avail.
- Maybe if you wore one
you'd have better luck.
(doors slamming)
- You know, I really came
up through life the hard way.
The first nine
years, I was a boy.
- I used to be a
concert violinist.
- Oh fiddle sticks.
- I'm being
considered for the lead
in the Rita Hayworth story.
- How'd you get that?
I lied about my body.
- Lips that touch liquor
shall never touch mine.
- Your lips?
- No, my liquor.
- Oh you kill me.
- More 'splagin,
what are we doin?
- (singing) It seems like
happiness is just a thing
called Joe, or Fred or Sam
or Dick or Dan (laughing).
(doors slamming)
- Just like everything
else, now they're blaming
the population
explosion on parents.
- I'd love to be able
to recapture my youth,
but I don't know
where he's hiding.
(door slamming)
- I ran away from
home when I was 12.
- Oh your parents must
have been terribly upset.
- No, they ran
away when I was 11.
- How did that grab
you, Youngman lovers?
(playful music)
- Okay, Dick, how
about a little potpourri?
- A little what?
- Potpourri.
You know, p-o-t.
- P-o-t?
- Well the t is
there, you just don't
pay any attention to it.
(laughing)
(playful music)
- (singing) Here come the
judge, here come the judge.
Lord, if you're not
gonna help me,
for heaven's sake,
don't help the judge.
- I don't believe you,
because I know you was guilty
of probating the
collection plate,
because you overlooked the
serious vision of the defense
in the testimony.
- What did this here (mumbling)
- In defense of testimony?
- Yeah.
- Eye witness, get out of here.
(slow music)
- Oh!
- Oh! That's a no-no.
- Things are
looking up, big kids.
- If you think that's
dirty, you should see
the inside of my refrigerator.
- Look mamushka,
the winter is ending
and soon it will be
spring, and the Cossacks
will come to the village and
make merry with the maidens.
Will you not be happy?
- I am too ill my
son, much too ill.
- But the sun will shine warmly,
and the flowers will bloom,
and the maidens will sing
of the Cossacks that came
in the spring, will you
not be happy mother?
- I am too ill, my
son, much too ill.
- But soon it will
be harvest time,
and the maidens will
harvest the Cossacks,
will you not be
happy then, mother?
- I am too ill my
son, much too ill.
- Ladies and gentlemen, we
can't go on with this sketch.
As you can see,
my mother is too ill.
- What a vacation, the best
vacation I ever had in my life.
Rest and peace
and quiet (laughing).
By the way, where did you go?
- You'll never play piano.
- Ma!
- It's not working out!
- Dear Ruth writes this unhappy
mother of 12, whose husband
has started staying out late.
Dear Ruth, I am an unhappy
mother of 12, whose husband
has started staying out late.
What can I do?
Signed, Neglected.
Dear Neglected, find
something for him to do
around the house,
know what I mean?
Dumb dumb.
- Big Al here, with
the latest sports score.
Army, seven,
Navy, six, rioters, 49.
(rain falling)
- Uh, can I park here?
- Groovy.
- Hey, going to Chicago
for the protest rally huh?
- Yeah, you too?
- That's right, I
wouldn't miss this one.
- You know, this is
my first demonstration.
I'm a little nervous.
- Well when you think of
the cause we're fighting for,
it's worth it.
- That's right.
Boy when I think of the millions
of oppressed black people
it just makes my
blood boil, man.
- You know, when
you get mad like that,
your eyes sparkle like diamonds.
But you're right,
it's been too long.
- You know, when you
set your jaw like that,
you get a dimple right here.
(romantic music)
- [Driver]
Philadelphia, next stop.
- Uh, you ever been
to Philadelphia?
- No.
- Neither have I.
Look, they've been
waiting 300 years.
What the heck, another
night isn't gonna matter.
- Groovy.
- And now from the
ridiculous to the sublime.
We take you to the
beautiful downtown Burbank
Light Opera Company for another
unforgettable musical moment.
(singing "Hello! Ma Baby")
- Hello, ma baby, hello my
honey, hello my ragtime gal.
Send me a kiss by wire,
you know my heart's on fire.
If you refuse me,
honey you'll lose me,
then you'll be all
alone, oh baby.
Telephone and tell
me I'm your own.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Hello. Oh!
Oh, Ms. Goldie I'm a
much better person for that.
(audience applauding)
("Pop Goes the Weasel" music)
- Fang.
- You know what a seven
course dinner in Burbank is?
A six-pack and a potato.
- Ever try to get a
doctor in California?
I got one, I went up and said,
"Doc it hurts when I do that."
He said, "Don't do that."
- Cooking hint number 81.
Let's say your family
wants strawberry shortcake.
Simply fill a bowl with heavy
sweet cream and beat it.
Nobody can complain
if you're not there.
- Ha ha!
Well we came through
that fight safe and sound.
- Yeah but look at D'Artagnan.
He looks upset, are you wounded?
- What say you, D'Artagnan?
- Which one of you
dingalings sat on my ukelele?
(playful music)
(stairs creaking)
(playful music)
- Are you sure this
is the Nern Hotel?
(playful music)
(water splashing)
(playful music)
- You must be
another way in a month.
- Hello, I'm your Judy doll.
You can put all kinds
of clothes on me.
But touch my little
body and I'll hit you.
- Been meaning to ask you.
How's that uncle of yours?
- Uncle Willard?
- Yeah, you know,
the invisible uncle.
- I haven't seen him lately.
- Of course you haven't
seen him, you dingaling,
he's invisible.
- Poor guy.
Close him his job you know.
- No kidding, what'd he do?
- He was a body painter.
- An invisible body painter.
- Yeah, girls got nervous.
- I can imagine.
- They never knew where he'd
been til they forgot about him.
- Hi, Phyll.
- Hi, Phyll.
Oh I love this!
It was intimate.
- Painted your mark on his toe.
- Well you know I've loved
being here, just every minute.
- Well we've had a ball.
- But I gotta get ready
for my next show.
- What's your hurry?
You're not on til
next Sunday night.
- I know, but I'm late
for makeup right now.
- You don't need any makeup.
- Aren't you sweet?
- Five days oughtta do it.
- Listen if I had only five
days in makeup, the kids
would think the
Munsters were back on.
- You can't walk out
on us now, Phyllis.
You're down for a tour of the
beautiful downtown Burbank.
We've got a great tour we're
gonna look at all the sights.
- Oh my favorite city,
and I'm one of the sights.
- I like beautiful
downtown Burbank.
But then I've seen Transylvania.
- No look at beautiful downtown
Burbank would be complete
without a brief
understanding of the culture
that made this metropolis
the hub of the universe.
- [Announcer] This was
beautiful downtown Burbank.
- On this neglected property
once stood the house of
Burbank's namestake,
Luther Burbank,
botanist and cross-breeder,
who devoted his entire
adult life to working on
roses, daisies, and violets.
And on this neglected property
once stood three well-known
Burbank houses, roses,
daisies, and violets.
- This was beautiful
downtown Burbank.
- Unfortunately time
doesn't allow us to show you
all the highlights of
beautiful downtown Burbank.
But here.
Here's something happening
right this very minute.
- You are the family
who reported sighting
the Unidentified Flying Object?
- You bet your sweet
(speaking foreign language).
- Well what did it look like?
- Well, to tell the
truth, I didn't see it.
It's my wife, she's a good seer.
I came out a little too
late for the seeing it,
but she's seen it.
Boy she's seen it all right.
My wife, boy God
bless her, she's no fool.
- Oh, good.
Well then I guess I
better talk to your wife.
- Oh, certainly.
Okay, Rebesta, come on out!
(slamming)
- Did you call me, Morris?
- Of course, Burbank is the
financial center of the world.
Using the Swiss
numbered account system,
the beautiful downtown bank
greets new customers hourly.
- Good afternoon, did you
wish to make a withdrawal?
- As far as industry
is concerned,
beautiful downtown Burbank
leads the world in efficiency
and advanced methods.
(crashing)
- Is this a chicken pizza?
- Honeymooners have
long considered Burbank
the love capitol of the world,
for here, love is everywhere.
- Oh Brizelda, I think
your hair is lovely.
I feel (humming).
(cane tapping)
Wanna come with me
and play mummbly pang?
Oh you wanna come with
me and play hide and seek?
Wanna stay right here
with me and play dead?
- The Main Street Mission,
here in beautiful
downtown Burbank,
which works among derelicts
and tramps has taken up
a collection and is now in
a position to send a derelict
and a tramp to anyone
who needs them.
- Oh, darn, they didn't
give a number to call.
- Certainly no look at beautiful
downtown Burbank would be
complete without a visit to
our Burbank Police Riot Squad,
marching society, and Ocarina.
(marching music)
(singing "Stout-Hearted Men")
Give me some men who
are stout-hearted men,
Who will fight, for
the right they adore.
Start me with ten who
are stout-hearted men,
And I'll soon give you
ten thousand more.
Shoulder to shoulder
and bolder and bolder,
They grow as
they go to the fore.
Then there's nothing in the
world can halt or mar a plan,
when stout-hearted men
can stick together man to man.
(audience applauding)
(buzzer buzzing)
- Hello, NBC beautiful
downtown Burbank.
What's that, Sir?
Oh, excuse me, Madam.
You're having audio problems?
You mean you
can't hear our show?
Oh, that's the problem!
You can hear it!
Sorry!
(playful music)
- Zark!
- Hey, every see matched
luggage in Burbank?
Two brown paper bags.
- Man walks into
a doctor, he says,
"You're gonna live to be 60."
He said, "I am 60."
He said, "What'd I tell ya?"
- Where are your royal
guards now, Richelieu?
- I told you, they're off
on Thursday, you big nit.
(playful music)
(water splashing)
- Sock it to me, sock
it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock it to me!
(playful music)
- Well I wish people
would stop comparing me
to Barbra Streisand.
It's Joan Baez I look like.
- You know I've been thinking
about that uncle of yours.
Poor devil, must be
murder for an invisible man
to hold a job.
- It's rough all right.
- You know, the guy's
gotta make a living.
- Yeah, yesterday he got
a temporary job as a waiter
in a restaurant.
- Well good for him.
- Not really, he
got fired last night.
- No kidding.
Just because he's invisible?
- Yeah, the customers
just couldn't get used
to seeing the frog legs
come in by themselves.
(playful music)
(stairs creaking)
(playful music)
Now it's time for our
public service department.
Why don't you
introduce it tonight, Dan?
- Well you just
did, you dingaling.
- I didn't know that.
- Oh Monday night, the
Suicide Club will meet at the top
of Lover's Leap.
On Tuesday morning, the
Suicide Club will meet on the bottom
of Lover's Leap.
- Listen, Doctor, how come
you haven't been prescribing
our new tranquilizer, Dimitall?
- Well, Dimitall is an
excellent tranquilizer.
But it has a bad side effect.
Causes itching.
- Oh, we know that.
That's why we produce
Cramitin, the anti-itch capsule.
- Yes, but I find that when
my patients use Cramitin,
their vision blurs.
- True, true, to combat that
we have provided Hydroseek,
the serum for clearing vision.
- I have used Hydroseek
personally, and I can report
that while it does clear
my vision it also causes
so much agitation
and hypertension,
I'm just a bundle of nerves.
- That's exactly what
I've been trying to tell ya.
Why don't you use our
new tranquilizer, Dimitall.
- Here's a late score just in.
The United States, 201 million.
The National Rifle
Association, 93 thousand.
The winner is, the
National Rifle Association!
- Hello, machine,
any messages today?
- [Machine] Gildor residence.
This is a recording.
When you hear the
beep, you have 10 seconds
between beeps to
leave your message.
(machine beeping)
- [Man's Voice] Charlie,
hey listen brace yourself.
I don't know how
to tell you this.
Are you sitting down, Charlie?
Well a terrible thing
has happened to your...
(machine beeping)
- [Announcer] Little
known medical facts.
- Medical statistics show
that of every 10 patients
who are given the choice,
cigarettes or cancer,
nine of them decided
to give up cancer.
- Well that concludes
the public service portion
of our show.
Now that wasn't so bad.
Was it?
(snoring)
Dick? Was it?
I didn't think so.
- I know why Dick's
tired all the time.
But why am I tired all the time?
(buzzer buzzing)
- NBC, beautiful
downtown Burbank!
No, we can only give
Dick Martin's phone number
to the first 400
girls that call.
Better luck next week, sir.
- Now in the center
arena, moving right along
musically, here are Tiny
Tim and the lovely Judy Carne
to ask the musical question,
let's call the whole thing off.
Or let's take the
whole thing off.
(singing "Let's Call
the Whole Thing Off")
- I say ee-ther.
- And I say aye-ther.
- I say nee-ther.
- And I say ni-ther.
- Ee-ther.
- Aye-ther.
- Nee-ther.
- Ni-Ther.
- Let's call the
whole thing off.
- I like pa-jam-as.
- And I like pa-jom-as.
- I'll wear pa-jam-as.
- I'll give up pa-jom-as.
- For we, know we,
need each other so we,
better call the calling off off.
Let's call the whole thing off.
(audience laughing
and applauding)
- Know how you can tell the
bride at a Burbank wedding?
She's the one with
the clean bowling shirt.
- My mother in law is
not with us right now.
She's in Vietnam teaching
them how to fight dirty.
- Good eve, 1912.
- Cooking hint number 208.
When preparing pressed
chicken Kiev, it is important
to have one large plump chicken.
And then of course,
you must press it.
And you absolutely
must have a large supply
of fresh Kievs.
- All for one and one for all.
- What say you, D'Artagnan?
- Blow in my ear and
I'll follow you anywhere.
(playful music)
(groaning and mumbling)
(door slamming)
(water splashing)
- Ah!
(playful music)
- Don't wait up for me Lamont!
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
- Now that you've enjoyed
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In,
tune in December 1st
for Perry Como's Sleep-In.
- Oh yeah, it's rousing.
(foghorn blowing)
(Phyllis laughing)
- And now, once again,
sorrowfully enough,
it's time to say
goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
Goodnight, D'Artagnan.
- Goodnight, Mr. Dick
and goodnight, Mr. Dan.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, baby.
(snoring)
- And please let me get
this announcement out,
because next week's show
just promises to be a real
groovy thing.
- I have a rather a startling
announcement about my aunt.
- I golly you do,
uh, real startler.
- Yes, she's a glass blower
in Petosky, Michigan there.
And she was, it was a
rainy Thursday afternoon,
and she was
making a finger bowl.
- What was she making it do?
- Well she, that's a
glass blower's position
is to make the finger bowl.
- Would you hold
it just a minute?
Say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, everybody.
(audience applauding)
- Hey, has anybody seen Goldie?
- Yes, I did when I brushed
my teeth this morning.
- My uncle passed away
during a poker game.
- Oh, what did he die of?
- Five aces.
- Hey, I just bought a
long-haired police dog.
I named him Rin-Tiny-Tim.
- Just don't let him
tiptoe through my tulips.
- What did one peach
say to the other peach?
- Here comes the fuzz.
(slamming)
- I follow the good book
and was sued for divorce.
And all I did was
love my neighbor.
- In China when a boy
gets Bar Mitzvah'ed,
he says, "Today,
I am a Mandarin."
- I knew a man who once
picked Mickey Rooney's pocket.
(gasping)
- Oh how could
anyone stoop so low?
- Knock knock.
- Forget the knock knock.
Why don't you ring my chimes?
- I understand you disposed
of your chicken ranch?
- Yeah I couldn't stand
the noise at branding time.
- You know what, when
I found out I had the flu,
I was just sick, really sick.
- I believe I have a
talent for native writing.
- Maybe we could use
him, what's his name?
- Cute.
- My math teacher says we
should all learn pi-r-squared.
- Oh no, Henry, pi are
round, corn bread are squared.
- My neighbor has a
big Schnauzer and spits.
Thank goodness he
doesn't have a dog.
- What did Joan of Arc die of?
- How the blazes should I know?
- Hello Judy!
- Yes?
- Did you happen to know
what exactly a masochist is?
- Beats the heck out of me.
(squeaking)
(knocking)
- Which author created Tiny Tim?
- How in the Dickens
should I know?
- You know why they
won't let Burbankers swim
in Toluca Lake?
They leave a ring
around the shore.
- Hold-Up man says
"Stick em down."
I say, "You mean stick em up?"
He says, "No wonder I
haven't made any money."
- Cooking hint number 17.
Never charge your groceries.
It makes it too easy for the
health department to trace you.
(horns blowing)
- At last, all the
musketeers together.
Me, D'Artagnan,
and you, my friends.
Athos, Porthos, and Irving.
- Irving?
- Well, two out
of three ain't bad.
(playful music)
- [Man] Hey, everybody
out of the pool.
(playful music)
(horse hooves clacking)
(gun firing)
(playful music)
(crashing)
- He's a much
better person for that.
- Goodnight, Lamont.
- This program was pre-recorded
in order to give our lawyers
time to prepare a defense.
Hello?
- Very interesting.
And laugh?
I thought I'd never start.
Goodnight, Lucy.
And if it means
anything, I watched you.
(applauding)
(bells chiming)
program is brought to you
in living color on NBC.
- As Michelangelo said
as he finished painting
the ceiling of the
Sistine Chapel,
"And now they tell me
they wanted wallpaper."
- George Wallace did so
much for the minorities, I hear
they're planning to present
him with a key to the ghetto.
- Hey Art.
- Yes?
- When did you start
wearing a girdle?
- Oh, since my
wife found the girdle
in the glove
compartment of my car.
- Oh good, Art.
- Do you know what
cigarette consumption is?
- Yes, (coughing) and
I think I've got it, too.
- You know what, my
computer dating service
just found me the perfect
gentlemen (laughing).
I'm gonna give him one
more chance, though.
- My uncle crossed a
camel with a baseball player.
- What did he get?
- A hump-ire.
- Judy?
- Yes?
- What do you think
of Governor Reagan?
- Oh, he's too
hippie-critical for me.
- I went to a couple of
topless bars last week,
and that's it.
Once you've seen
two, you've seen em all.
- Oh I love the snow!
Especially in the summer
when you least expect it.
- The new left claims
they're really right.
And the new right
claims they're really left.
No wonder America doesn't
know which way to turn.
- My analyst knows
your analyst and he says
you've gotta be
nuts to go to that guy!
- I'm Phyllis Diller
and I've got a secret.
- I'm Phyllis Diller
and I am a secret.
- My name is Phyllis Diller
and you won't believe my secret.
- My name is Phyllis
Diller and I forgot my secret.
- My name is Tiny Tim and
I'm Ms. Phyllis Diller's secret.
- Come with me, Tiny Tim,
you'll be a better person for it.
- Blow in my ear,
I'll do an hour.
(snoring)
- Hi, Dick.
- Hello, Per.
- And now, from the
beautiful downtown Burbank
Heart Transplant and
Shoe Repair Parlor,
NBC proudly presents,
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In.
(audience applauding)
Starring Dan Rowan
and Dick Martin.
With guest star Tiny Tim.
Special guest
star, Phyllis Diller.
And Judy Carne,
Arte Johnson.
With Ruth Buzzi, Henry
Gibson, Goldie Hawn,
Dave Madden, Alan Sues,
Sweet Brother Dick Wittington,
Jo Anne Worley and
Pigmeat Markham.
The fun couple, Mitzi
McCall and Charlie Brill.
Chelsea Brown.
Yours truly, Gary Owens, and
Margul as the friendly Droug.
(shrieking)
- That's for all of you who
thought I was just another
pretty face.
- Isn't this something?
Just when you get the
show off to a flying start,
NBC cuts in with a commercial.
And there's no way
to stop this network.
They'd even cut off a star
in the middle of a sent...
- Portions of tonight's
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In
are brought to you by Breck.
- Famous products
for the care of your hair.
- Beautiful hair always
begins with Breck.
(sighing)
Oh cute, cute.
Sock it to me.
- That's not funny.
- And now.
Don't worry, I saved the Breck.
- This proves the best
things in life are free.
I stole these (laughing)!
- Breck Shampoo takes
care of your hair's complexion,
the same gentle way beauty soap
takes care of your
skin's complexion.
- I love Breck, it's delicious!
- Breck Shampoo
comes in three formulas.
Dry, Normal and
Oily (shrieking).
- Now here are the
stars of Laugh-In.
Two men who have been
chasing me all day long
til I thought I'd
never catch them.
Dan Rowan and the Flying
Fingers of Dick Martin.
(audience applauding)
(drumroll)
- Good evening.
Hey, I guess like the
rest of us, you're looking
forward to Thursday.
- What's so special
about Thursday?
- Well, most American
families have Thursday circled
on their calendars,
have a date with a bird.
- I gotta date with a
bird every Thursday.
- Ah, the bird I'm
talking about is a turkey,
stuffed with goodies.
(laughing)
- That's the bird
I'm talking about.
- I don't want to
hear about your bird.
- You wouldn't
believe her stuffing.
- Thursday is a national day
of Thanksgiving, now certainly
you have a good many things
to be thankful about young man.
- Oh, I'll let you know
Thursday long about midnight.
- Let me tell you about this.
It all started in 1621.
- Well I was in 1538 and
it was quite a party there.
- I'm talking about pilgrims.
- Oh I'm talking about Jolene.
- I don't want to hear
about Jolene, you see.
Now let me weave this
tale of wonderment for you.
The pilgrims came
here from Europe, see?
And after a winter of
sickness and hardship,
all they had to look
forward to was a new spring.
- Sleeping on the
ground a little tough, huh?
- Hehehe.
Now one day a
friendly Indian taught em
how to cultivate
corn and barley...
- Is this gonna take long?
- I don't know, I
haven't heard it yet.
But a friendly Indian taught
em how to cultivate corn,
and barley and peas, and
in the autumn of that year,
when the crops were harvested.
(snoring)
Come on, pay attention.
(audience and Dick laughing)
This is the story
of Thanksgiving.
Now the pilgrims
called all the women
in the colony together.
- Ah ha!
First shrewd move I've heard.
- And they gave em turkeys.
- Sure they did, and
told em to go stuff em!
- Wait a minute, do you
know where the Indians were?
- In 1621, I think they
were in third place that year?
- Come on, now get this picture.
All the braves came to
their party and they brought
their squas.
- They weren't so brave or
they'd've brought
their girlfriends.
- First thing you know, you
know what the Indians said
when they arrived, just as
the festive table was all set
up in the forest, you
know what they said?
- Who's got the beer opener?
- Thank you, this doesn't
seem to make it with you, huh?
- I'll celebrate my turkey...
- You'll what with your turkey?
- I'll celebrate it.
- Celebrate your turkey.
- Ill celebrate my
turkey with all the, what?
My turkey, I'll celebrate
it when I want to.
- Sure.
- When all the guys come home
from Vietnam to
celebrate it with me.
- Oh no, no, no.
They don't have to
come home to do that.
- They got a turkey in Vietnam?
- Have they ever.
Our foreign policy.
- That's a turkey
I'd like to stuff.
- You can't say that!
- I bet they'd let Henny
Youngman say it.
- I wonder which Henny
Youngman they mean?
- If I could, I wouldn't
need the Talcum powder.
- On the moon, that's
how they make cars.
- You idiot, that's
the apples girl.
- There go my Sundays.
- You know from up here it
does look like them dancing.
- Gets out of this,
let's call him Houdini.
- Don't you know, the
hunt's been called off?
- Oh that Henny Youngman?
- Another magical,
unforgettable, musical moment.
- Good, what do
you want me to sing?
- Not you, you dingaling.
Jo Anne Worley, and our own
Laugh-In discovery, Tiny Tim,
in a rousing rendition
of Sweetheart.
Incidentally, Tiny Tim
will play the Mountie.
- Tiny Tim's a Mountie?
- Yes, Tiny Tim as the Mountie.
- I didn't know that.
- Pay attention.
Now Jo Anne starts the song
and Tiny Tim follows along.
- Sure, blow in his ear,
he'll follow you anywhere.
(singing "Sweetheart")
- Sweetheart
sweetheart sweetheart
Will you love me ever,
to life's cold gray ember?
Will you remember,
springtime, lovetime, May!
(audience applauding)
- (Singing) Dream along with me.
- Oh that's good, you know.
But (laughing),
you're no Tiny Tim.
- Good evening, my
name is Joseph Cotton.
I enjoy this program except
for these incessant Polish jokes
which continually
creep in to Laugh-In.
Polish jokes are degrading
to our great, great nation.
After all, you love your
beautiful downtown Burbank,
how would you feel if people
told jokes about Burbank?
- Spoken as a gentleman.
- I'll tell you something, Joe.
You hit it right where it
hurts when you mentioned
beautiful downtown Burbank.
- Incidentally, speaking of
beautiful downtown Burbank,
do you know how many
Burbankians it takes
to change a light bulb?
- No.
- Me neither.
- Five.
One to hold the light
bulb, four to turn the ladder.
- Oh that's not funny.
- It is written that as the
Shah grows more ancient
and venerable, the dents
he made in the stream
more of his youth
and pomegranates.
- Look that up in your
Funk and Wagnall.
- What's a Wagnall?
- The only reason I do
this show is I like the prize.
- Thank you my dear, come on.
- Dahling, here comes a judge.
(gavel banging)
- I have a hammer with
a whole lot of muster.
A big piece of apple pie with
a hunk of cheese on apology.
- But Judge, we're in
session, I can't leave now.
- Oh yes you can.
That's a court order.
- Split the $50,000
and I told the...
- Hello Dan, Dick.
- Hi, Judy.
Hey you look spiffy.
- Yeah.
- You bet your sweet
bippy she looks spiffy.
- I feel spiffy.
- Why is that?
- Well, we've been
on the air five minutes,
I haven't even been hit yet.
I haven't even had the usual
bucket of water or anything,
it's been smashing.
Oh, Dick, cute, real cute.
(laughing)
Liked it, funny Dick.
- Now I don't know how
you think about this, Dick,
but we oughtta cut it out,
we gotta stop hitting Judy
all the time.
- Yeah I understand, we've
been getting a lot of calls
on it.
- Yeah.
(buzzer buzzing)
- NBC, beautiful
downtown Burbank.
Oh, I quite agree
with you Madam.
Oh, excuse me, Sir.
Yeah, it's terrible the
way they hit that poor girl.
She's the most talented
one in the whole ruddy bunch
if you ask me.
And she didn't even
say "Sock it to me."
(water splashing)
(playful music)
- Why I Like King
Kong, by Henry Gibson.
I like King Kong because
he is always so very original.
Well, take for example the
way he does not go around
aping others.
In addition, he's a manly old
monster, and has a handshake
you won't soon forget.
But most of all, he thinks
big and never takes no guff
from the airlines.
If it were not for King Kong,
there'd be too much banana.
(piano music)
- (Singing) You'll never kno...
Kno... Kno...
- That's easy for you to say.
- Honey, can you
give the little fishy
fresh water today?
- Why, they didn't drink
what I gave them yesterday?
(laughing)
- You're a regular
Johnny Weissmuller.
- What's that got to do with it?
- Swim.
- Hello.
How about that,
she socked it to him?
(water splashing)
- Hey, you hear about the
beautiful downtown Burbank
race driver?
Made eight pit stops, two
for gas, six for directions.
- I feel good, I was up at
the crack of six this morning,
took a brisk walk
to the bathroom,
was back in bed at 6:05.
(laughing)
- That's terrible.
- Cooking hint number 768.
Always keep your recipes
pasted on little cards.
For instance, here's one.
Boil water and add flour.
That's very important
because that's what you use
to paste the little
recipes on the little cards.
(horns playing)
- We are trapped.
The King's men are in front
of us and the sea is behind us.
What say you, musketeers?
How will we get out of this?
- (singing) On the good ship.
(playful music)
(water splashing)
(playful music)
- Thank you, Lamont.
(playful music)
(slide whistle music)
(playful music)
- I've only one word
for this show: skidoo.
- Know why they don't
give people from Burbank
a coffee break?
Takes too long to retrain them.
- 40 years married
to the same woman.
People say, "How did you do it?"
Here's a secret, my wife and
I go to dinner twice a week.
Little candlelight, little wine,
she goes Tuesdays, I go Friday.
- Cooking hint number
411, always set the table
according to what
you're serving.
For example, when
I'm serving steak,
the hacksaw goes on the right.
(playful music)
(groaning)
(cuckoo clock chirping)
(cuckoo clock hiccuping)
- [Clock] Ah! You drunk! Cuckoo!
(playful music)
- Thank you, Lamont.
- It is my great pleasure
now to introduce the Laugh-In
News Report with the news
of the past, present, and future.
I just adore watching
you girls stumble through
that news song every week.
(laughing)
Reminds me a lot of Fang,
the night we lost the
key to the bathroom.
(sexy jazz music)
- (singing) What's the
news across the nation?
- (singing) We has
got the information.
- (singing) In a way we
hope will amuse yous
- (singing) We just love
to give you our news.
- (singing) La da ti da
Ladies and Gents,
Laugh-In looks at the news.
- Here's Dan.
(audience applauding)
- And now, with the
news of the present,
here's the man for whom
the news wouldn't be the news
without the news, here's Dicky.
(audience applauding)
- Hollywood.
Dean Martin suffered
severe concussions last night.
The accident occurred
while he was speeding home
and hit his head on a hydrant.
Moscow, another crisis
passed in the Kremlin today
when the moderates
and conservatives agreed
to forget their differences
and bury the hatchet.
They will bury it
in Czechoslovakia.
Washington, DC.
Ladybird Johnson today said
the next president is welcome
to use the Texas White
House as she and her husband
have no intention of leaving
the one in Washington.
And now, take it away Goldie.
(drum roll)
- And now with the
news of the future,
peering into this
crystal bell, here's Dan.
- That's ball, b-a-l-l, ball.
- Here's Ball, b-a-l-l!
- I was just a little worried.
I was in Goldie's dressing
room a few minutes ago,
and she doesn't
have a reflection.
1988, 20 years from now,
Secretary of State Dean Rusk, Jr.
Announced today the return
from North Korea of the captured
US Intelligence
Ship, Son of Pueblo.
California, 1988,
20 years from now.
Los Angeles finally
succeeded in catching up
with New York City today when
Mayor Shirley Temple Black
officially opened the newly
completed LA Subway System.
She was immediately mugged.
New York City, 1988,
20 years from now.
Tennessee Williams'
new play opened last night
and the entire audience
walked out en mass.
However, in the best
tradition of the theater,
the 53 actors involved
not only completed the play,
Orgy in Manhattan, but
remained on stage for 42 encores.
- Hello, with news
of the past, here I am
with the late General Custer,
who during his short career,
alienated President Grant,
the entire military establishment,
the seventh cavalry,
and every single
Indian in North America,
which culminated in
the worst military defeat
that United States
ever suffered.
What do you have to say
about this, General Custer?
- I kept telling them
I was no Errol Flynn.
- Laugh-In News Report
looks at the recent relaxation
in rules regarding the
adoption of children.
- Now you must understand,
Mr. and Mrs. Randers,
adopting a child imposes
many responsibilities.
We'll require the boy
must have his own room,
money set aside
for college education.
- A college education?
His own room?
But he's only one month old.
- And we suggest a move
to a better neighborhood.
An insurance policy
of substantial value,
and membership
in a country club.
- But that's impossible.
- Either you comply
with our requirements
or no baby for you.
- Alright, we'll
try it your way.
- And now all you sporty
poos, here's the Alan Sues
Sports Scene.
- Hi, Bay Al here on
the old baseball turf.
(bell ringing)
Featurette.
Last night, Big Al
covered the inter-collegiate
broad jumps.
Well, it was something
ole Big Al will never forget,
I'll tell you.
It's hard to tell which
team scored first.
Harvard or Vassar.
But they all had fun, and
that's what sports is all about.
Ta ta.
- That Big Al is something else.
- Go like this and go wrong,
go like this and go wrong,
go like this and go wrong.
- Go like this and
say, "Crazy Otto."
- Well all you newshounds,
that about wraps up
our Laugh-In News
Report for this week.
- I thought perhaps you might
like to hear something my aunt
once said to me.
- Well can you hold it for
the end, we don't do that
halfway through the show,
we've only done a half hour here.
- What's the matter,
NBC lose the movie?
- What are you talking
about, lose the movie?
Show's an hour long.
Every Monday night we do an
hour, you ought to hang around,
it's a lot of fun.
- I'm sorry, I have a lady
outside and she's waiting
and I don't want
her to catch cold.
- How's she gonna catch
cold, it's beautiful out tonight?
- Well I left her in the
car with her top down.
- Verbal?
- That's exactly why
the lady might catch cold.
- Be that as it may,
we now have another
unforgettable Laugh-In moment
as Tiny Tim and Ruth Buzzi
join hands and hearts
in the Italian Street Song.
(audience applauding)
- (singing notes)
(audience applauding)
- Know when the
Burbank Zoo closes?
At 6:00, when everybody
wants his dog back.
- Fellow walks up, he says,
"You seen a cop around here?"
Says "No," he
says "Stick em up."
- I sing the old songs,
they do the old jokes.
- Cooking hint number 306.
Some people ask
me how I fix eggs.
That's ridiculous.
Once they're broken,
there's no way to fix it.
- Alright Musketeers.
Athos, Porthos,
Aramis, this is it.
What sayeth?
How do we get close to the
palace without being seen?
- Tiptoe through the tulips.
(cuckoo clock chirping)
- There you are,
you filthy bird.
(swallowing)
- [Clock] Oh, it's
12:30 or around there.
Cuckoo!
- Dumb bird, you're never
gonna grow up to be an eagle.
(playful music)
(water splashing)
(playful music)
- Care for a Walnetto?
(playful music)
- Tulips?
- (singing) Oh here comes
a commercial, a commercial,
a commer-see-al, oh here
comes a commercial or three.
- (singing) On the
good ship Lollipop,
it's a short trip to
a commercial spot.
When you sign a play,
pays and pays.
- Have you seen aye a woman?
- No but didn't I pass you
in the supermarket today?
- (crying) Oh, I proposed
to four boys without avail.
- Maybe if you wore one
you'd have better luck.
(doors slamming)
- You know, I really came
up through life the hard way.
The first nine
years, I was a boy.
- I used to be a
concert violinist.
- Oh fiddle sticks.
- I'm being
considered for the lead
in the Rita Hayworth story.
- How'd you get that?
I lied about my body.
- Lips that touch liquor
shall never touch mine.
- Your lips?
- No, my liquor.
- Oh you kill me.
- More 'splagin,
what are we doin?
- (singing) It seems like
happiness is just a thing
called Joe, or Fred or Sam
or Dick or Dan (laughing).
(doors slamming)
- Just like everything
else, now they're blaming
the population
explosion on parents.
- I'd love to be able
to recapture my youth,
but I don't know
where he's hiding.
(door slamming)
- I ran away from
home when I was 12.
- Oh your parents must
have been terribly upset.
- No, they ran
away when I was 11.
- How did that grab
you, Youngman lovers?
(playful music)
- Okay, Dick, how
about a little potpourri?
- A little what?
- Potpourri.
You know, p-o-t.
- P-o-t?
- Well the t is
there, you just don't
pay any attention to it.
(laughing)
(playful music)
- (singing) Here come the
judge, here come the judge.
Lord, if you're not
gonna help me,
for heaven's sake,
don't help the judge.
- I don't believe you,
because I know you was guilty
of probating the
collection plate,
because you overlooked the
serious vision of the defense
in the testimony.
- What did this here (mumbling)
- In defense of testimony?
- Yeah.
- Eye witness, get out of here.
(slow music)
- Oh!
- Oh! That's a no-no.
- Things are
looking up, big kids.
- If you think that's
dirty, you should see
the inside of my refrigerator.
- Look mamushka,
the winter is ending
and soon it will be
spring, and the Cossacks
will come to the village and
make merry with the maidens.
Will you not be happy?
- I am too ill my
son, much too ill.
- But the sun will shine warmly,
and the flowers will bloom,
and the maidens will sing
of the Cossacks that came
in the spring, will you
not be happy mother?
- I am too ill, my
son, much too ill.
- But soon it will
be harvest time,
and the maidens will
harvest the Cossacks,
will you not be
happy then, mother?
- I am too ill my
son, much too ill.
- Ladies and gentlemen, we
can't go on with this sketch.
As you can see,
my mother is too ill.
- What a vacation, the best
vacation I ever had in my life.
Rest and peace
and quiet (laughing).
By the way, where did you go?
- You'll never play piano.
- Ma!
- It's not working out!
- Dear Ruth writes this unhappy
mother of 12, whose husband
has started staying out late.
Dear Ruth, I am an unhappy
mother of 12, whose husband
has started staying out late.
What can I do?
Signed, Neglected.
Dear Neglected, find
something for him to do
around the house,
know what I mean?
Dumb dumb.
- Big Al here, with
the latest sports score.
Army, seven,
Navy, six, rioters, 49.
(rain falling)
- Uh, can I park here?
- Groovy.
- Hey, going to Chicago
for the protest rally huh?
- Yeah, you too?
- That's right, I
wouldn't miss this one.
- You know, this is
my first demonstration.
I'm a little nervous.
- Well when you think of
the cause we're fighting for,
it's worth it.
- That's right.
Boy when I think of the millions
of oppressed black people
it just makes my
blood boil, man.
- You know, when
you get mad like that,
your eyes sparkle like diamonds.
But you're right,
it's been too long.
- You know, when you
set your jaw like that,
you get a dimple right here.
(romantic music)
- [Driver]
Philadelphia, next stop.
- Uh, you ever been
to Philadelphia?
- No.
- Neither have I.
Look, they've been
waiting 300 years.
What the heck, another
night isn't gonna matter.
- Groovy.
- And now from the
ridiculous to the sublime.
We take you to the
beautiful downtown Burbank
Light Opera Company for another
unforgettable musical moment.
(singing "Hello! Ma Baby")
- Hello, ma baby, hello my
honey, hello my ragtime gal.
Send me a kiss by wire,
you know my heart's on fire.
If you refuse me,
honey you'll lose me,
then you'll be all
alone, oh baby.
Telephone and tell
me I'm your own.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Hello. Oh!
Oh, Ms. Goldie I'm a
much better person for that.
(audience applauding)
("Pop Goes the Weasel" music)
- Fang.
- You know what a seven
course dinner in Burbank is?
A six-pack and a potato.
- Ever try to get a
doctor in California?
I got one, I went up and said,
"Doc it hurts when I do that."
He said, "Don't do that."
- Cooking hint number 81.
Let's say your family
wants strawberry shortcake.
Simply fill a bowl with heavy
sweet cream and beat it.
Nobody can complain
if you're not there.
- Ha ha!
Well we came through
that fight safe and sound.
- Yeah but look at D'Artagnan.
He looks upset, are you wounded?
- What say you, D'Artagnan?
- Which one of you
dingalings sat on my ukelele?
(playful music)
(stairs creaking)
(playful music)
- Are you sure this
is the Nern Hotel?
(playful music)
(water splashing)
(playful music)
- You must be
another way in a month.
- Hello, I'm your Judy doll.
You can put all kinds
of clothes on me.
But touch my little
body and I'll hit you.
- Been meaning to ask you.
How's that uncle of yours?
- Uncle Willard?
- Yeah, you know,
the invisible uncle.
- I haven't seen him lately.
- Of course you haven't
seen him, you dingaling,
he's invisible.
- Poor guy.
Close him his job you know.
- No kidding, what'd he do?
- He was a body painter.
- An invisible body painter.
- Yeah, girls got nervous.
- I can imagine.
- They never knew where he'd
been til they forgot about him.
- Hi, Phyll.
- Hi, Phyll.
Oh I love this!
It was intimate.
- Painted your mark on his toe.
- Well you know I've loved
being here, just every minute.
- Well we've had a ball.
- But I gotta get ready
for my next show.
- What's your hurry?
You're not on til
next Sunday night.
- I know, but I'm late
for makeup right now.
- You don't need any makeup.
- Aren't you sweet?
- Five days oughtta do it.
- Listen if I had only five
days in makeup, the kids
would think the
Munsters were back on.
- You can't walk out
on us now, Phyllis.
You're down for a tour of the
beautiful downtown Burbank.
We've got a great tour we're
gonna look at all the sights.
- Oh my favorite city,
and I'm one of the sights.
- I like beautiful
downtown Burbank.
But then I've seen Transylvania.
- No look at beautiful downtown
Burbank would be complete
without a brief
understanding of the culture
that made this metropolis
the hub of the universe.
- [Announcer] This was
beautiful downtown Burbank.
- On this neglected property
once stood the house of
Burbank's namestake,
Luther Burbank,
botanist and cross-breeder,
who devoted his entire
adult life to working on
roses, daisies, and violets.
And on this neglected property
once stood three well-known
Burbank houses, roses,
daisies, and violets.
- This was beautiful
downtown Burbank.
- Unfortunately time
doesn't allow us to show you
all the highlights of
beautiful downtown Burbank.
But here.
Here's something happening
right this very minute.
- You are the family
who reported sighting
the Unidentified Flying Object?
- You bet your sweet
(speaking foreign language).
- Well what did it look like?
- Well, to tell the
truth, I didn't see it.
It's my wife, she's a good seer.
I came out a little too
late for the seeing it,
but she's seen it.
Boy she's seen it all right.
My wife, boy God
bless her, she's no fool.
- Oh, good.
Well then I guess I
better talk to your wife.
- Oh, certainly.
Okay, Rebesta, come on out!
(slamming)
- Did you call me, Morris?
- Of course, Burbank is the
financial center of the world.
Using the Swiss
numbered account system,
the beautiful downtown bank
greets new customers hourly.
- Good afternoon, did you
wish to make a withdrawal?
- As far as industry
is concerned,
beautiful downtown Burbank
leads the world in efficiency
and advanced methods.
(crashing)
- Is this a chicken pizza?
- Honeymooners have
long considered Burbank
the love capitol of the world,
for here, love is everywhere.
- Oh Brizelda, I think
your hair is lovely.
I feel (humming).
(cane tapping)
Wanna come with me
and play mummbly pang?
Oh you wanna come with
me and play hide and seek?
Wanna stay right here
with me and play dead?
- The Main Street Mission,
here in beautiful
downtown Burbank,
which works among derelicts
and tramps has taken up
a collection and is now in
a position to send a derelict
and a tramp to anyone
who needs them.
- Oh, darn, they didn't
give a number to call.
- Certainly no look at beautiful
downtown Burbank would be
complete without a visit to
our Burbank Police Riot Squad,
marching society, and Ocarina.
(marching music)
(singing "Stout-Hearted Men")
Give me some men who
are stout-hearted men,
Who will fight, for
the right they adore.
Start me with ten who
are stout-hearted men,
And I'll soon give you
ten thousand more.
Shoulder to shoulder
and bolder and bolder,
They grow as
they go to the fore.
Then there's nothing in the
world can halt or mar a plan,
when stout-hearted men
can stick together man to man.
(audience applauding)
(buzzer buzzing)
- Hello, NBC beautiful
downtown Burbank.
What's that, Sir?
Oh, excuse me, Madam.
You're having audio problems?
You mean you
can't hear our show?
Oh, that's the problem!
You can hear it!
Sorry!
(playful music)
- Zark!
- Hey, every see matched
luggage in Burbank?
Two brown paper bags.
- Man walks into
a doctor, he says,
"You're gonna live to be 60."
He said, "I am 60."
He said, "What'd I tell ya?"
- Where are your royal
guards now, Richelieu?
- I told you, they're off
on Thursday, you big nit.
(playful music)
(water splashing)
- Sock it to me, sock
it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock it to me!
(playful music)
- Well I wish people
would stop comparing me
to Barbra Streisand.
It's Joan Baez I look like.
- You know I've been thinking
about that uncle of yours.
Poor devil, must be
murder for an invisible man
to hold a job.
- It's rough all right.
- You know, the guy's
gotta make a living.
- Yeah, yesterday he got
a temporary job as a waiter
in a restaurant.
- Well good for him.
- Not really, he
got fired last night.
- No kidding.
Just because he's invisible?
- Yeah, the customers
just couldn't get used
to seeing the frog legs
come in by themselves.
(playful music)
(stairs creaking)
(playful music)
Now it's time for our
public service department.
Why don't you
introduce it tonight, Dan?
- Well you just
did, you dingaling.
- I didn't know that.
- Oh Monday night, the
Suicide Club will meet at the top
of Lover's Leap.
On Tuesday morning, the
Suicide Club will meet on the bottom
of Lover's Leap.
- Listen, Doctor, how come
you haven't been prescribing
our new tranquilizer, Dimitall?
- Well, Dimitall is an
excellent tranquilizer.
But it has a bad side effect.
Causes itching.
- Oh, we know that.
That's why we produce
Cramitin, the anti-itch capsule.
- Yes, but I find that when
my patients use Cramitin,
their vision blurs.
- True, true, to combat that
we have provided Hydroseek,
the serum for clearing vision.
- I have used Hydroseek
personally, and I can report
that while it does clear
my vision it also causes
so much agitation
and hypertension,
I'm just a bundle of nerves.
- That's exactly what
I've been trying to tell ya.
Why don't you use our
new tranquilizer, Dimitall.
- Here's a late score just in.
The United States, 201 million.
The National Rifle
Association, 93 thousand.
The winner is, the
National Rifle Association!
- Hello, machine,
any messages today?
- [Machine] Gildor residence.
This is a recording.
When you hear the
beep, you have 10 seconds
between beeps to
leave your message.
(machine beeping)
- [Man's Voice] Charlie,
hey listen brace yourself.
I don't know how
to tell you this.
Are you sitting down, Charlie?
Well a terrible thing
has happened to your...
(machine beeping)
- [Announcer] Little
known medical facts.
- Medical statistics show
that of every 10 patients
who are given the choice,
cigarettes or cancer,
nine of them decided
to give up cancer.
- Well that concludes
the public service portion
of our show.
Now that wasn't so bad.
Was it?
(snoring)
Dick? Was it?
I didn't think so.
- I know why Dick's
tired all the time.
But why am I tired all the time?
(buzzer buzzing)
- NBC, beautiful
downtown Burbank!
No, we can only give
Dick Martin's phone number
to the first 400
girls that call.
Better luck next week, sir.
- Now in the center
arena, moving right along
musically, here are Tiny
Tim and the lovely Judy Carne
to ask the musical question,
let's call the whole thing off.
Or let's take the
whole thing off.
(singing "Let's Call
the Whole Thing Off")
- I say ee-ther.
- And I say aye-ther.
- I say nee-ther.
- And I say ni-ther.
- Ee-ther.
- Aye-ther.
- Nee-ther.
- Ni-Ther.
- Let's call the
whole thing off.
- I like pa-jam-as.
- And I like pa-jom-as.
- I'll wear pa-jam-as.
- I'll give up pa-jom-as.
- For we, know we,
need each other so we,
better call the calling off off.
Let's call the whole thing off.
(audience laughing
and applauding)
- Know how you can tell the
bride at a Burbank wedding?
She's the one with
the clean bowling shirt.
- My mother in law is
not with us right now.
She's in Vietnam teaching
them how to fight dirty.
- Good eve, 1912.
- Cooking hint number 208.
When preparing pressed
chicken Kiev, it is important
to have one large plump chicken.
And then of course,
you must press it.
And you absolutely
must have a large supply
of fresh Kievs.
- All for one and one for all.
- What say you, D'Artagnan?
- Blow in my ear and
I'll follow you anywhere.
(playful music)
(groaning and mumbling)
(door slamming)
(water splashing)
- Ah!
(playful music)
- Don't wait up for me Lamont!
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
- Now that you've enjoyed
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In,
tune in December 1st
for Perry Como's Sleep-In.
- Oh yeah, it's rousing.
(foghorn blowing)
(Phyllis laughing)
- And now, once again,
sorrowfully enough,
it's time to say
goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
Goodnight, D'Artagnan.
- Goodnight, Mr. Dick
and goodnight, Mr. Dan.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, baby.
(snoring)
- And please let me get
this announcement out,
because next week's show
just promises to be a real
groovy thing.
- I have a rather a startling
announcement about my aunt.
- I golly you do,
uh, real startler.
- Yes, she's a glass blower
in Petosky, Michigan there.
And she was, it was a
rainy Thursday afternoon,
and she was
making a finger bowl.
- What was she making it do?
- Well she, that's a
glass blower's position
is to make the finger bowl.
- Would you hold
it just a minute?
Say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, everybody.
(audience applauding)
- Hey, has anybody seen Goldie?
- Yes, I did when I brushed
my teeth this morning.
- My uncle passed away
during a poker game.
- Oh, what did he die of?
- Five aces.
- Hey, I just bought a
long-haired police dog.
I named him Rin-Tiny-Tim.
- Just don't let him
tiptoe through my tulips.
- What did one peach
say to the other peach?
- Here comes the fuzz.
(slamming)
- I follow the good book
and was sued for divorce.
And all I did was
love my neighbor.
- In China when a boy
gets Bar Mitzvah'ed,
he says, "Today,
I am a Mandarin."
- I knew a man who once
picked Mickey Rooney's pocket.
(gasping)
- Oh how could
anyone stoop so low?
- Knock knock.
- Forget the knock knock.
Why don't you ring my chimes?
- I understand you disposed
of your chicken ranch?
- Yeah I couldn't stand
the noise at branding time.
- You know what, when
I found out I had the flu,
I was just sick, really sick.
- I believe I have a
talent for native writing.
- Maybe we could use
him, what's his name?
- Cute.
- My math teacher says we
should all learn pi-r-squared.
- Oh no, Henry, pi are
round, corn bread are squared.
- My neighbor has a
big Schnauzer and spits.
Thank goodness he
doesn't have a dog.
- What did Joan of Arc die of?
- How the blazes should I know?
- Hello Judy!
- Yes?
- Did you happen to know
what exactly a masochist is?
- Beats the heck out of me.
(squeaking)
(knocking)
- Which author created Tiny Tim?
- How in the Dickens
should I know?
- You know why they
won't let Burbankers swim
in Toluca Lake?
They leave a ring
around the shore.
- Hold-Up man says
"Stick em down."
I say, "You mean stick em up?"
He says, "No wonder I
haven't made any money."
- Cooking hint number 17.
Never charge your groceries.
It makes it too easy for the
health department to trace you.
(horns blowing)
- At last, all the
musketeers together.
Me, D'Artagnan,
and you, my friends.
Athos, Porthos, and Irving.
- Irving?
- Well, two out
of three ain't bad.
(playful music)
- [Man] Hey, everybody
out of the pool.
(playful music)
(horse hooves clacking)
(gun firing)
(playful music)
(crashing)
- He's a much
better person for that.
- Goodnight, Lamont.
- This program was pre-recorded
in order to give our lawyers
time to prepare a defense.
Hello?
- Very interesting.
And laugh?
I thought I'd never start.
Goodnight, Lucy.
And if it means
anything, I watched you.
(applauding)
(bells chiming)