Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 2, Episode 6 - Episode #2.6 - full transcript

- [Announcer] The following
program is brought to you

in living color on NBC.

- You're perfect, absolutely
perfect for Scarlett O'Hara

in our new remake
of Gone with the Wind.

Except there's just
one thing wrong.

- You mean my New York accent.

(audience laughing)

- Tell it like T I Z tiz flip.

- Now as a public
service, here is a list of all

the swingers in beautiful
downtown Burbank.

Helen.



(audience laughing)

- Oh, oh, please
remove the legs from

that table before you move it.

- Remove the legs, alright.

(gasping)

Did you wanna
save those legs lady?

My final vows are in the morning

Ding dong the bells
are gonna chime

Lay out my habit
Where I can grab it

And get us to the church on time

- There you are
sir, all finished.

- Ah.

(audience laughing)

- Next y'all.



(yelling)

- Two for flinching.

- Hey you better stop
drinking, I'm not in this show.

I'm on a war movie
on channel 14.

- I didn't know that.

- And now from the pot room
of the beautiful downtown

Burbank kitchen utensil
factory, NBC proudly presents,

well, uh, let's just
say NBC presents

Rowan and Martin's Laugh In

Starring Dan Rowan
and Dick Martin.

With guest star Flip Wilson
and Judy Carne, Arte Johnson,

with Ruth Buzzi, Henry Gibson,
Goldie Hawn, Dave Madden,

Allen Sues, Sweet Brother Dick
Whittington, and Jo Anne Worley.

And Pigmeat Markham, Chelsea
Brown, yours truly Gary Owens

and Morgul as
the friendly Drelb.

- Promises, promises Gary,

meanwhile we're going
right to a commercial.

- Now, here are two
guys who can move

into my old neighborhood
anytime they want.

- 'Cause they're the big kids.

- Dan Rowan.

- And lovely Dick Martin.

(audience applauding)

- Thank you very
much and good evening.

- Certainly hope you
enjoyed the show as much

as we enjoyed doing it for you.

- Certainly was well said.

- Thank you, thank you.

- Yeah you did that real well.

- Thank you.

- Only one little thing.

- Huh?

- We're just starting the show.

- I didn't know that.

- Oh yeah.

- I used to know all that stuff.

- Hey you know I'm
beginning to enjoy

these weekends at the Sands.

- Yeah they're fun.

- Yeah the late show Friday.

- Yeah and the late,
late show Saturday.

- We don't do a
late show Saturday.

- Maybe you don't.

- Hey you don't gamble do ya?

- Nope, nope, nope.

Don't like gambling,
don't believe in it.

I lost a dollar 80 in
the stamp machine

once and that was it.

- That just ruined the
whole thing for you.

You know a lot of
people walk away

from those tables
with a lot of money.

- I saw one lady
walk off with $300.

- Oh she hit blackjack.

- No she picked a
white guys pocket.

(audience laughing)

Got it all.

- Hey it certainly is
great to have our old pal

Flip Wilson back on the
show again this season.

- Yeah I gotta say hello to him.

- What do you mean
you gotta say hello to him?

You were talking
to him backstage.

- Was that Flip Wilson?

- Who'd you think it was?

- Oh I thought Arte
Johnson had gotten

into the shoe polish again.

- Oh come on.

He would never do
anything as corny as that.

- I dunno Arte's a weirdo.

But corny, no, not
Artie, you're right.

- They're right,
it would be corny.

- And having resolved
that burning issue

let's move along to the party.

- Hey that's the best idea since
I bumped into Raquel Welch.

- Oh? Well whatever
turns you on.

You're invited to the party.

- Come on.

(audience applauding)

(upbeat music)

- Perhaps the reason more
women don't run for the senate

is because every six years
their seat is up for grabs.

- Do you know I don't really
think we have to worry about

Red China, Mao Tse Tung
has a lot of internal problems.

- Poor baby, he
should see a doctor.

(audience laughing)

- I used to go to
an all-White school.

Every Saturday I mowed
the lawn at Birmingham High.

(audience laughing)

- For a woman, the
two most beautiful

things in the world are I do.

- Yeah and for a man it's I did.

- Oh that's the most
beautiful thing I ever heard.

(audience laughing)

- Granddaddy always
told his youngins' it's better

to beat our swords
into plow shares.

You hit a man with a plow share,

he's gonna know he's been hit.

- When a minister
aspires to become bishop,

must the psychiatrist refer
to it as case of altar ego.

(audience laughing)

- In Russia we no
got the problems

with smudges with
the automobiles.

The biggest problem
we have is with horses

because of (speaking
in foreign language),

unless it's cold outside.

- Speaking of
fashion I have an outfit

for almost every
day of the week.

How do you like it?

(audience laughing)

- If America's popularity
in the world isn't dwindling

how come my daddy's
factory just got an order

from the State Department
for 10,000 asbestos flags.

(audience laughing)

- That new TV program
Julia is a television first.

It's the only black
and white show

that's done in real color.

- You know I like a
little nip before dinner,

so I got a Japanese houseboy.

Oh he makes the move
marvelous drinks darling.

(audience laughing)

- You know I hear Richard
Nixon's campaign plane

is having mechanical trouble.

It seems its right wing is
a little heavier than its left.

(audience laughing)

- I'll make a deal with you.

We'll stop marrying your sisters

if you stop stealing our music.

(audience laughing)

- I see ah, that leaves
us with White Christmas

and Mairzy Doats.

(audience laughing)

(audience clapping)

- And now for those
of you snoring at home.

- List this next one
under political controversy.

- Worms by Henry Gibson.

I cannot come to
terms with worms.

(audience laughing)

- My dear it's going to
be hard for me to say this

but you are going to need
immediate emergency surgency.

Immediate emergery surgery.

Imerdiate emegery segery.

I told you it was gonna
be hard for me to say this.

- Oh what's so
hard about emegee,

emergent purgent, surgery?

(audience laughing)

- That's easy for
you to say honey.

- Not really Sapphire.

(audience laughing)

- [Announcer]
Stranger Than Truth.

- In 1942, Herbert Cranston
from Virginia and Bill Baker

form Pittsburgh were
shot down over France.

They were captured by the
Germans and shared the same

small cell for two years

manacled together
by their wrists.

They managed to escape,
were sheltered in a four by 12

foot basement by the
French resistance group

until the end of the war when
they went their separate ways.

Bill Baker back to Pittsburgh,

Herbert Cranston
back to Virginia.

20 years later Bill Baker
pulled into a filling station

in the Blue Ridge
Mountains of Virginia.

The attendant opened the
door and to Bill's amazement

he smiled, put out his
hand, and said you're our

millionth customer, you've
just won a free snow tire.

(audience laughing)

- Sure there's another Bill
Baker win a free snow tire joke.

(humming)

- Oh wanna go up to my place?

(audience laughing)

Wanna go to your place?

(audience laughing)

Would you like
to neck right here?

(audience laughing)

Would you like to
find a bigger bench?

(buzzing)

- Hello NBC, beautiful
downtown Burbank.

How fast were you going madam?

35 miles an hour.

Oh then you missed Burbank.

(audience laughing)

- Beautiful downtown Burbank.

- I love beautiful
downtown Burbank.

It reminds me so much
of Rome in the year 16 AD.

- Hello folks, another
magical musical moment.

The lovely and
talented Jo Anne Worley.

- You're a rat, you're a rat.

(audience applauding)

(down tempo music)

Why won't you come home

I can't live without you

The house feels so empty

Since you went away

Why won't you come home

The children all need you

They keep asking questions

But what can I say

How can I say your
daddy has gone

With somebody who
just happened along

Don't think of me,
just think of the kids

Susie and Jim, Alice
and Fred, Cindy and Lou,

Mary and Ted, Jimmy
and Butch, Honey and Bill,

Johnny and Joe, Erin
and Rick, Sharon and Kim,

Shirley and Vick, Bobby
and Sis, Lucy and Ed,

Lorie and Steve, Christy
and Stu, Bonnie and Jane,

To mention a few

Spotty the dog, Blackie your cat

Sally the bird, Goldie the fish

Herbie the snake,
my sister Trish

Sophie the hen, Arnold the duck

Fanny the mouse, Lucy the horse

Cheetah the chimp
Ah yes of course

My, my here's Sid
Your lawyers Tad

Your partners Abe,
Herbie, and Lou

Now you take the
kids I'm leaving too

You take the house
and I'll take the car

I get all the rugs and
you can have the bills

And I want the colored
TV set thank you

And you'll have the bowling bowl

And I want that electric
lawn thing, whatever that was

And I want all the frozen food

Oh yes my darling
and that cute piano

That works without chords

Oh and don't
forget to take care of

Cynthia put that down
Listen to mother dear

And also I want
you to know my dear

That the screen windows
were not put up since last winter

That's the straw that
broke the camels back

Julia find another one

(audience applauding)

- And they lived
happily ever after.

(audience laughing)

- Can I have your orders?

- Dominican.

- Franciscan.

(audience laughing)

- Well we've taken everything
except the kitchen sink.

- Yep.

(yelling)

(thudding)

- Yeah that's Black power.

- Wagonals.

- You know they wanted me
to go on TV but I hate flying.

(audience laughing)

- No that's never gonna
go we're gonna have to,

we're gonna have to
widen that doorway.

- Ah okay.

(loud crashing)

How's that?

- That outta do it.

- Okay.

(yelling)

(audience laughing)

- Queen Isabelle.

Now I going for you, I
discover a queens land.

- You know Columbus, in
that outfit I think you could.

- And now we return to
Burt Parks and Miss America.

- Stop it get down.

(audience laughing)

- You dirty rat.

You might as well know now
that here comes the judge,

here comes the judge,
here comes the judge.

(audience laughing)

- Ah yesterday I
sentenced you to 30 days

for public eyesore.

What are you doing
back in my court so soon?

- Your Honor,
today I'm appealing.

- Yeah, you still
look pretty bad to me.

(audience laughing)

- Bippy.

- Bippy.

(audience laughing)

What does that mean?

You bet your sweet bippy.

(laughing)

- I bet my sweet
bippy and lost it.

(audience laughing)

- I've been asked to introduce
the news past, present,

and future, so here come
the news, here come the news.

(upbeat music)

What's the news
across the nation

We have got the information

In a way we hope will amuse you

We just love to
give you our views

La da de da

Ladies and gents,
Laugh In looks at the news

Oh, what a Dan
(audience applauding)

- Now with the news of
the present here's the man

to whom the news wouldn't
be the news without the news,

here's Dicky.

(audience applauding)

- CBS announced today that
film of all this years programs

will be made available
to American Airlines

for in flight viewing.

The network was
immediately arrested

for planting bombs
aboard airplanes.

(audience laughing)

California, Governor Regan
announced today that he intends

to leave his brain to
the science department

at the University of
California at Berkeley.

In gratitude, Berkeley
officials said that they intend

to do everything possible
to keep the governor alive.

(audience laughing)

Baltimore Maryland, when
asked today how she felt

about her husband
running for Vice President,

Mrs. Spiro Agnew replied, who?

And now take it away Goldie

- And now tippy toeing
into the news of the future

20 years from now, here are
Laugh In's heaviest tippers,

Dan and Rowan.

Oh I was just kidding,
you're not heavy.

(audience laughing)

- Here's the news
20 years from now.

Argentina 1988, Martin Bormann
was finally captured today

in a suburb of Buenos Aires.

The former Nazi commander
excused his wartime atrocities

by stating, I was
only giving orders.

(audience laughing)

1988, 20 years from now,
Earl Stassen today once again

announced he would be a
candidate for the presidency.

Meanwhile in Washington,
the ASPCA file a complaint

against Mr. Stassen charging
him with beating a dead horse.

(audience laughing)

1988 20 years from now,
from her retreat in Lake Titicaca,

aging actress Sophia Loren
denied the rumor that she was

retiring from show business
because her career is sagging.

(audience laughing)

Miss Loren announced
that she opens next week

as a go go dancer in Sun
City where she will work

under the name
of Wrinkles Galore.

(audience laughing)

- Lake Titicaca.

- It's in Peru, you know, I
looked it up in my Rand Mcnally.

(audience laughing)

- And now we go stumbling
back through history

to the studio of one of
the greatest composers

of all time's, take it away
Ludwig Von Beethoven.

(grunting)

(dramatic music)

- Ludwig what's the matter?

- What?

- I said what's the matter?

- Nothing is right.

I feel tense, irritable.

Do we have an aspirin?

- Well now what's the matter,
do you have a headache?

- Huh?

- I say do you have a headache?

- What difference does it make?

- Well if you have a
headache you take aspirin.

But if you wanna write a
song you take Compose.

- And now Laugh In news
focuses on the racial problem.

We take you to the
courageous real estate people

who are doing their part.

(upbeat music)

- Well, well, hello Captain.

- It's Major, Major Flanders.

- Major, of course, Major.

Now what are you doing here?

- I'm looking to buy a home.

- A home huh?

Here, I mean here?

- Yes, yes.

I was told that this was
an integrated community.

- Oh yes well now of
course that's something

that we do have here is
an integrated community.

- There's no problem.

I've saved quite a bit.

- Oh yeah well no problem.

It's just that the uh.

- Just that, just that what?

Now I can afford it, you have
the house, and you did say

that this is an integrated
community didn't ya?

- Oh yes it's an integrated
community alright.

It's just that we already
have our negro family.

(audience laughing)

- Tell it like it is Sapphire.

- Now for the sports here's
Allen Sues sports scene.

- Hi, big Al here with
a big Al featurette.

(bell ringing)

Last night's heavy weight
boxing contest was disgusting.

With Davison delivering
rights to Marco's body

and lefts to Marco's head.

Then Marco reversed
the situation by getting

left's to his body and
right's to his head.

And today we have a new
heavy weight champion.

And I can tell you this, he
really should lose a few pounds.

Heavy weight, bulge,
bulge, perky perky.

- Mind if we pray through.

It'll never go I guess we'll,

I guess we'll have
to take it apart.

- Oh alright.

(yelling)

- Now that's White power.

I wish I was an
Oscar Meyer wiener

(audience laughing)

- It isn't too hot is it?

- [Man] Oh no, no.

(sizzling)

- Hey I've got one.

Where am I?

(upbeat piano music)

No matter how much you may eat

The fat in your food
goes to your feet

Your shoes will get larger,
your heart will get stronger

'Cause you'll live
a lot longer too

The meat in your
sandwich is rare

It's good for the
top of your hair

Your heart will never stop

When you stop to think

That you can't rhyme
anything with that word

(audience laughing)

(silly music)

- Chris gonna find
Ray Charles honey.

Here come the commercial,
here come the commercial,

here come the commercial.

Here come another, here come
another, here come another.

(upbeat music)

- I'd have much more
confidence in my psychiatrist if he

didn't insist on having his
mommy in the office with us.

(audience laughing)

- In Russia we got
no time for Freud.

It's got great government
therapy program

for getting rid agressions.

Called it Siberia.

- I don't agree with all
those people who say

if Wallace doesn't calm
down we're either gonna have

a madman in the White House
or a white man in the madhouse.

(audience laughing)

- You know frankly I'd
find it hard to put much faith

in Freud since I found
out he wrote his book

Psychopathia Sexualis while
he was on his honeymoon.

- You know when I told my
psychiatrist my latest dream

she almost fell off the couch.

- I have just concluded
psychiatric tests

at the University of Mississippi
and they gave me some

great news, I have
a split personality

and we're both white.

(audience laughing)

- My psychiatrist
finally convinced me to

stop looking at the
dark side of things.

Now if he'd only convince
the real estate people.

- The church has finally
come to an accommodation

with the psychiatrists.

We don't play golf on Wednesday,

they don't come to
church on Sunday.

(audience laughing)

- You know my mother has
a neurosis and my father has

a psychosis and you know
what, I think I got it too.

(audience laughing)

- You know I go
to two psychiatrists,

I go to the second one

to get rid of the
guilt feelings I have

from everything that's
going on with the first one.

- You know it's all
in how you look at it.

What you call riots
we call group therapy.

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

- Hey hold it look
at the monitor.

There's no printing
under our feet.

- Ah don't worry about it,
nobody reads it anyway.

- Are you kidding?

That's Dean
Martin's favorite part.

He read's every word of
the printing under our feet.

- No kidding.

- Sure.

- Well we don't wanna
offend an old pal like Dean.

- Be my guest.

(audience applauding)

(audience laughing)

- And now back to the
Supreme Court for tonight's

million dollar movie entitled

Snow White and the Dirty Dozen.

- Morris McGlenn,
what are you doing?

- Say, I wonder if you'd mind

covering for me
for a few minutes?

- Yeah I would mind.

- Well I left a
blonde lady in the

parking lot with
her motor running.

- Eh it won't hurt the car.

- Who said anything about a car?

- Oh boy that's an old joke.

- Well it's an old blonde.

She's a balloon blower.

- Hold it.

A balloon blower?

- Yep.

She works in politics.

She blows up
balloons for rally's

- Oh, yeah that's a big job.

- Just finished a
zeppelin for Humphries.

- She blew up a
zeppelin for Humphries?

- Her father was German.

- Oh.

Well that explains why
she blew up the zeppelin.

- She's got a tuckered
pucker I'll guarantee ya.

- Her puckers tuckered?

- Oh yeah you outta see it.

- Well she works
for the Democrats.

- No, no last night she blew
up a weather balloon for Nixon.

- Oh she's bipartisan.

- I don't care if she's Hindu.

- She's bipartisan, she
blows up for both sides.

(audience laughing)

- I'll go right along with it.

- Yeah I wish you would.

- Not since Nixon's
balloon backfired.

- Had a little accident did she?

- My so did she.

- Is that so?

- Right at the end she inhaled.

- And filled up with air.

- I got there just
as her bikini burst.

- Must be quite a sight.

- Her measurements
are now 180, 140, 180.

- Big numbers.

- All over.

- I thought you said this
blonde's out in the parking lot?

- She is.

- I just went through the
parking lot, I didn't see her.

- Did you look up?

- As a matter fact I did,
there's nothing up there

but a big weather balloon.

- Did it have big hips?

- All over.

- That's my date for tonight.

- Oh you're a regular Henny
Youngman this evening.

- Oh that evening.

- I wonder which Henny
Youngman they're talking about.

- Your sister Rose is dead.

- Sure father, and
how fast were you going

when this fellow
backed into you?

- Heaven's, do they
have their own navy now?

- Don't eat the bananas,
I just did and went blind.

- Can I do it 'til
I need glasses?

- I'm agent I of the FBI.

- Oh that Henny Youngman.

- I just don't get it.

- I know what you mean Goldie.

- I really wanted to play flute,

but the candelabra
kept falling off.

- Now folks it's
time for potpourri.

Now it's not the best thing
we do, but on the other hand

anything with a little
pourri in it can't be all bad.

- Whiskey.

- Whiskey.

- I'll have a frozen daiquiri.

(audience laughing)

- Yeah?

- Uh I'd like to see the room.

- Oh, we don't rent rooms.

The sign just makes
us feel superior.

- That's what this show
needs, more whimsy.

- Through the wonderful
world of Walt Disney

we've seen the foraging
habits of the platypus,

the courtship of seals,
the migration of the emus.

Mm, so that's what that is.

The studio's next
project involves

the mating dance of the ant.

- How much longer
to you suppose?

- Any minute now.

- You've been saying
that for three months.

Uh, cramp, I gotta stand up.

- Don't you move.

The mating dance
only takes a second.

- Eh I gotta get up.

- Wait, wait, wait,
you hear that?

- What?

- Music, shh.

I think the dance is starting.

Hear that?

- Hey yeah I do, I
do hear something.

I won't dance, don't ask me

I won't dance, don't ask me

- I should've brought my tape.

- Carry your bag sir?

- Oh that would be very nice.

(audience laughing)

(buzzing)

- Hello, hello, hello, NBC,
beautiful downtown Burbank.

You wanna report
a bomb in Burbank?

Oh was it one of our jokes or
one of yours Mr. Youngman?

(audience laughing)

- Top of the morning
to you Office Reilly.

(audience laughing)

- There you are all finished.

- Say man, you took
too much off the sides.

- Condominium.

- Don't worry Sister Josie,

I'll have you back on
your knees in no time.

- If Donald Duck
married Chicken Little,

you'd hear such a
scream out of Jo Anne.

(screaming)

- You're my favorite.

You can do all the
chicken jokes you want

because you're
adorable Van Johnson.

Let me see 'em, let me see 'em.

(screaming)

Those red beauties,
are you adorable.

80 seconds over
Tokyo, you are my hero.

- 30 - 30 whatever.

What's a few minutes.

- You weren't even born then.

- Oh you sweet man.

- On your last bomb run
over Berlin you dropped these.

My wife washed
them, they're clean.

Good luck in your next war.

- Tonight Laugh In salutes
the very backbone of our free

enterprise system.

The salesmen of America.

- I can hardly wait
to sock it to 'em.

- Why you got something
against salesmen?

- Ah they're always trying
to sell you something.

- Well that's their job.

- I didn't know that.

- Well of course dumb dumb,
salesmen dedicate their lives

to selling you things
that will make you

happier and more comfortable.

- Uh this last guy
went a little too far.

- What guy?

- Well I went in to buy a
pair of shorts last week,

guy sold me a tuba.

- Your sales resistance
is low, that's all.

- So is my tuba.

- Well why don't
you take it back?

- I can't I've already worn it.

- You wore a tuba?

- Boy it was murder, woo.

- Oh I can imagine.

- Windy day you could
hear me coming for miles.

- Hold it right there, this
isn't a complaint department,

it's a salute to salesmanship.

- Speaking of the Avon lady.

- Ah you just laid
your finger upon it,

that's the very essence
of salesmanship.

- Rang my chimes
one night last week

and said she'd like to
show me her samples.

- You invite her in?

- Of course I did, it's
windy on my porch.

I gotta be careful of my tuba.

- You probably chased
her all over the house.

- Nary a step.

- Good for you.

- Was that a slap
or just a slap point.

- No slap point, just a slap.

- Oh I couldn't run.

- You couldn't run,
all tuckered out.

- No there's a laundry
that starched my tuba.

- Be that as it may,
tonight we salute salesmen.

- Hey I got with the cast
and suggested a few things.

- Well let's just
hope they're flattering

to a wonderful profession.

- Well we'll see.

- Okay.

(upbeat music)

(bell ringing)

- Just a minute.

Yes?

- Good morning ma'am I wonder.

- Oh wait don't tell
me, don't tell me.

You are working your
way through college right?

- Oh no, no ma'am.

- No?

Well ah let me see, your
mother needs an operation?

- Oh no nothing like that.

- No, well, wait I'll
get it just a minute.

Well you are selling
magazines right?

- Oh no, not at all.

- No?

Wait a minute young
man, if you're not working

your way through college,
your mother doesn't need

an operation, and you're
not selling magazines,

what ever do you want
in my lovely house?

- Well we're taking a survey.

- Oh I see a survey.

What?

- Well we wanna know if
someone was working his way

through college and his
mother needed an operation,

would you buy some
magazines from him?

- Ah you're adorable.

You got me again, you cutie.

Come on.

(audience laughing)

(upbeat music)

- Hi there I'm Alvin Hummel
and I have a policy here

you can't afford to be without.

- Well you've been with
us a week today Phillip's.

Now I'll be the
bereaved customer,

let's hear your sales pitch.

- Ah I'm sorry to hear of
the death in your family sir.

Now we gonna take
charge of everything.

We're gonna provide
the coffin, and the hearse,

and you know to the grave,
to the trip to the cemetery.

We gonna take
care of everything.

- No, no, no.

You won't sell anybody that way.

Words like coffin, grave,
cemetery are depressing.

Your attitude is
wrong, it's morbid.

Use positive language,
above all never say death.

Say he boarded the
train for the great depot.

Be cheerful.

Got it?

- Yes sir, yes sir, right.

(telephone ringing)

Hello.

What?

Yeah that's great.

Okay goodbye.

Mr. Edwards, I got
some great news for you.

You know that train, you
know that train to the great depot

you were just talking about?

Your wife just got on it.

(audience laughing)

(upbeat music)

(audience laughing)

- Hi my name's Alvin Hummel.

I have a policy that you
can't afford to be without.

(audience laughing)

- Arnold, someday all
of this is gonna be yours.

Good luck.

- You may now kiss the bride.

- Hi I'm Alvin Hummel
and I have a policy

that you can't
afford to be without.

- You're weird.

(upbeat music)

- Well how do you like
our salute to salesmen?

- I think the entire thing
is an insult to a profession

we're supposed to be honoring.

- Well maybe next
time when I ask

for shorts they'll
sell me shorts.

- Still complaining
about that tuba huh?

- Well it's a small size.

- Oh come on, that's
enough you don't really expect

anybody to believe
you're wearing a tuba.

- Well you probably
didn't notice it,

I just had it pressed.

- Yeah well I don't believe you.

- Nobody calls me a
liar and gets away with it.

- Well don't get sore, I just.

- Well you'd get
sore too if you had to

walk around all day in a tuba.

Good day to you sir.

(tuba music)

- Moving right along folks.

All you tuba fans, there's our
musical tribute to salesmen.

(upbeat music)

Let's step right up and
hear it for the salesmen

The fellow who
can sell you anything

Let's cheer for the guy who
sells your rug off the floor

Head in the clouds,
foot in the door

If I want a dime he'll
take one for a dollar

He'll sell you Brooklyn
Bridge in Burbank too

He'll sell his mother
His dad and brother

Oh Willy Loman we love you.

He'll even sell a
haircut to a hippy

A modern dancing
course to Fred Astaire

He'll try to sell some lessons
teaching Streisand to sing

Or Burton to act,
Sinatra to swing

He'll always sell
an Eskimo an icebox

He'll sell a pound of peanuts
to a zoo, crunch, crunch

There's no resistance
to his persistence

Oh business salesman
we love you, we do

Oh business salesman we love you

- I don't know why people
like to knock salesmen.

If it wasn't for salesmen
we wouldn't have

all that stuff we don't need.

- You know people claim
insurance men bug them

over and over again, but
I've only seen mine once

and when I die, I'll collect
over 35 million dollars.

- I like salesmen because
they don't get discouraged

over the little things, like
not having size in stock.

- Well speaking of
stock, who says salesmen

aren't concerned citizens,
I mean if it weren't for the

traveling salesmen, there'd
be no rural population at all.

- Salesmen aren't heartless.

I know one who talked a man
out of jumping off a building.

Convinced a man to
hanging himself instead.

He was a rope salesman.

- I owe my permanency
in America to a salesman,

the one who sold my
grandfather a Colonel Culpepper.

- Speaking of Colonel Culpepper,

that's what this show
needs is more nostalgia.

- I'll give you a
little nostalgia,

my husband's a salesman

and he always
guarantees prompt delivery,

nine months to the
day I was in the hospital.

- Listen, listen, my
uncle's a salesman,

he sells seashells by
the seashore and he lisps.

- Ah speaking of shells,
a salesman ruined my life.

Goldie and I were
identical twins

until he sold me
that darn sunlamp.

- Hell if the Avon lady
married the traveling salesman

and they went away
on a honeymoon,

maybe we'd have some
peace for a change.

- Well right my chimes.

Step right up and hear
about the salesman

That come around
the corner on the street

Let's decorate a guy
who gives a doorbell a ring

Knocker a knock
You're telly a ting

Oh heaven will protect
the father's daughter

But who protects
the farmer in the dell

He's loud and lippy,
you bet your bippy

Hey Mr. Salesmen
go to Helmet dandy

Sell me something, the
price is getting nine and two

Mary Drew

Mr. Salesman we love,
Mr. Salesman we love,

Mr. Salesman we love you

(audience cheering
and applauding)

(audience laughing)

- Slauser.

- Hey Judy I hate to
interrupt you, but uh.

- Oh I was doing nothing.

- But wasn't it great
about that space capsule.

- Space capsule?

- Yeah the one they sent up
on a test flight this morning.

- Oh you mean rocket?

- No, no, space capsule.

- Well it may be a
space capsule to you,

but it's a rocket to me.

(yelling)

- I'd like you to make
me look like this.

- Look I'm a hairdresser
not a plastic surgeon.

(audience laughing)

Give us a men who
are stout hearted men

And I'll soon give
you five (loud banging)

- In my ancient homeland
our biggest problem

is cows and shoes, therefore
let the dancing maidens

walk lightly through
the meadows.

(phone buzzing)

- Hello NBC, beautiful
downtown Burbank.

Yes Burbank has a
police chief, a fire chief

and a district attorney.

Would you like to speak to her?

Good, I'll put you through
to the hot dog stand.

(audience laughing)

- All mothers of America
you let your children go to bed

every night in the same
room with these two.

Barbie and Ken.

And you call your
child a living doll?

These two are the
dolls that are living.

- [Gary] Stupid
question number 324.

- Well what would you
like to do tonight honey?

(audience laughing)

Let me entertain you

Let me make you smile

- [Man] Get that
bum off of there

(audience yelling)

- I can't stand
it, I can't stand it.

I can't stand it.

- [Man] What's the matter lady?

- Did you hear that drummer?

(audience laughing)

- The Cobra by Henry Gibson.

(humming)

The cobra always wears a smile

As he creeps across the lawn

He grins like he's
up in the clouds

I think that heat turns on

- Fuddy duddy.

(upbeat music)

- And now once again
fans it's time for the

Flying Fickle Finger
of Fate Award.

- Hey who we
giving it to this week?

- We really have a
deserving case this week Dick.

The legislature of
the state of California.

Those guys up
there in Sacramento

who are really doing a big job.

- Who'd they do a
big job on this time?

- I'll let you
decide for yourself.

The California state
legislature recently passed a law

which will permit automobile
dealers to disconnect

the mileage meters on
new cars until they're sold.

- That sounds like you
could buy a new car

that had a lot miles on
it and not even know it.

- Ah ha.

- Ah ha?

- But they put a provision
in there which states

that the dealer must
give each new car buyer

a written notice showing the
approximate mileage on the car.

- Well that completes the
transaction Miss Lafferty,

you can drive your
brand new car home now.

- How sweet, thank you.

Oh but you forgot to
give me my written notice

showing the approximate mileage.

- Oh yes.

(audience laughing)

There.

- Why this says the
approximate mileage on this car

is somewhere between
five and 50,000 miles.

- And we'll stand behind that.

- How sweet.

- Oh that's some bill.

Thank goodness Governor Regan

would never
sign a bill like that.

- Oh he already did.

- Say we got an extra

Flying Fickle Finger of
Fate Award around here?

- Be that as it may,
California state legislature

here's this weeks Flying
Fickle Finger of Fate Award.

- You've really got it coming.

- Hey and don't worry
about Governor Regan,

we'll put him on a waiting list.

- He's already on my list.

- You know being on
this show should prove

that I'm not all that stuffy.

I may be a square,
but I am not stuffy.

- Have you taken your vows?

- Why, is one missing?

- Oh that Henny Youngman.

- Does everything go lady?

- Oh yes sir, everything.

(squealing)

- Here ye, here ye,
the code of swings

about to do that thing.

Here come the judge,
here come the judge.

- Your honor would you
please accept this box of candy

as a token of our esteem.

- What?

And have everybody saying

here come the fudge,
here come the fudge.

(audience laughing)

(yelling)

(laughing)

- Oh that's not funny.

- Well hi there I'm Alvin
Hummel and I have a policy here

you can't afford to be without.

(audience laughing)

- Piccalilli.

- Well it's time to
say goodnight Dick.

- Goodnight Dick.

- Goodnight Dick.

- Hmm, who's Julie Christie?

(audience laughing)

- Hey gang I'd
like you to tune in

next week for several reasons.

- Wonder if you'd mind if I said

something my aunt
once said to me?

- I dunno why you're always
interrupting me at the end of

the program, you know that
I'm gonna say we don't have time.

- She was hard of hearing.

- Your aunt was hard of hearing?

- So was my aunt.

- Oh real son of a gun,
isn't that a coincidence.

- She was caught in a steam
bath of the Webster Hall Hotel

in Detroit Michigan with
the Green Bay Packers.

(audience laughing)

- Good news Detroit.

Next week.

- I thought perhaps what
she said when she came out

of the steam room upon
leaving the Green Bay Packers

would be of
interest to the folks.

- Well you got me hanging
on the edge of my seat.

Go ahead.

- When she came out
of the steam bath of the

Webster Hall Hotel in
Detroit Michigan my aunt,

who was very hard of hearing,
she said to all 11 of them,

blow in my ear, I'll
follow you anywhere.

(audience laughing)

- Say goodnight Dick.

- Goodnight Dick.

- Goodnight everybody,
hope you had a good time.

(audience applauding)

- Wasn't it Mick Jagger who said

a rolling stone
gathers no grass?

(audience laughing)

- Hey you know I know
all about Greek pottery.

- Oh yeah?

What's a Greek urn?

- About a dollar 80 an hour.

(audience laughing)

- Don't be so hard on
cannibals, they like people.

- At least they
don't eat chickens.

- I don't know, I've
never been out with one.

- I work for a mafia, I
have a black thumb.

- No you ninny, you
mean a black hand.

- No black thumb.

I only work part time.

(audience laughing)

- Remember the great words
of Timothy Leary who said,

the grass is always
greener on the other side.

- If it feels good, do it.

- Hey Ruth, what time is it?

Ruth I said what time is it?

- Shh, don't bother
me I'm watching Lucy.

(audience laughing)

- Get the ball Willy.

- David!

What do you do for a living?

- I'm an executioner.

- Oh boy I bet that's
a thankless job.

- Oh boy are you dumb Goldie.

- Hey what do you
get when you cross

an alligator with a bartender?

- You get an alligator who
steals and drinks on the job.

(audience laughing)

- Knock knock.

Yes

- I don't want to talk to you.

- Lay it on me, lay it on me.

- Look that up in your
Funk and Wagnall.

- Anybody here like Shakespeare?

- Oh I don't know I've
never been out with him.

- Blow in his ear and
he'll follow you anywhere.

- Thank you for being
careful with my things.

Here, have a glass of wine.

- Oh that's nice of
you lady, thank you.

- Salute, salute.

- Salute.

(glass shattering)

- See you around lady.

(audience laughing)

(yelling)

(audience laughing)

(piano music)

(snoring)

- Forgive me for I have sinned.

- Hi there I'm Alvin
Hummel and I have a policy

you can't afford to be
without, I'm sure of it.

- This program was
pre-recorded under conditions

which would try the
patience of a saint.

- Very interesting.

- But highly unlikely.

And as for you, go to your room.

(snoring)

(singing)

(loud clapping)