Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 2, Episode 5 - Episode #2.5 - full transcript
Sketches include Harem girls, Mitzi visits the cocktail party, Laugh-In salutes pollution, Dan & Dick experience life in a foxhole, and Bobby duets with his brother Rosemenko on Mack the ...
- [Narrator] The
following program
is brought to you in
living color, on NBC.
- I guess that's on your
side of the screen, folks.
- Out! Out, damn spot!
- I think I got it!
- The proceeding was
a spot announcement.
- Just look at, see, no,
look so they can see,
that's him, and look at
the moss under, right there
(giggles), my mother
would be so happy.
- Blow in his ear, he'll
follow you anywhere.
- How's that grab
ya, dimple lovers?
- Blow in his ear and
I'll follow you anywhere.
- I didn't want my husband
to know I was going
on the show tonight, so I
told him I was going to an orgy.
- Here, chick chick chick,
here chicken, chick chick chick.
(fanfare plays)
- And now, from beautiful
downtown Burbank,
in accordance with
US postal regulations,
NBC brings you Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In,
in a plain brown wrapper.
(paper tearing)
Starring Dan Rowan,
and Dick Martin.
With guest star Bobby
Darin, and Judy Carne,
Arte Johnson, Ruth
Buzzi, Henry Gibson,
Goldie Hawn, Dave
Madden, Alan Sues,
"Sweet Brother"
Dick Whittington,
and Jo Anne Worley,
and the fun couple Mitzi
McCall and Charlie Brill.
The Holy Modal Rounder,
yours truly Gary Owens,
and Morgul as
the friendly Drelb.
- How about a drink?
(audience laughing)
How about a smoke?
(audience laughing)
How about a commercial?
- Oh, now you're talking.
(audience laughing)
- Portions of tonight's
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In
are brought to you by:
- Beautiful Hair
Breck, fine products to
keep your hair
looking its very best.
- I use them every night
before I go to the club.
(hammer bouncing)
- That's funny! (laughs)
- [Voiceover] Ask the prima
ballerina how gentle Breck
shampoo leaves hair
more beautifully clean.
(duck gurgles)
- When I want some
shiny manageable hair,
I sock it to my head with...
Not water, you fools, Breck!
The shampoo that helps
leave in the natural oils.
And just listen to this
unsolicited testimonial.
- Well Breck makes
my hair so beautiful,
it just sweeps my
head off its feet.
- I wish they'd let me buy some.
- Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen,
my name is Bobby Darin.
(cards falling)
That Wingy Manone's got a
great sense of humor, hasn't he?
Anyhow, right now it's
my pleasure to introduce
the stars of Laugh-In,
the big kids themselves,
Dan Rowan and the
adorable Dick Martin.
(applause)
Well, the new season
is well underway,
how does it feel to have
a few under your belt?
- I'll drink to that!
- Shows, how does it feel having
a few shows under your belt?
- What shows under my belt?
- I'll try a new tack.
- There's a tack under my belt?
It may be sharp!
- Now listen. Don't
you think it's about time
for an attitude check?
Hmm? Don't you think so?
Would you say so? I mean
is that asking too much?
- Check check check
- Don't you think
it's about time you started
acting like a grown man?
- You should've seen
me last night, hahaha.
- You acted like a
grown man last night?
- With a grown woman!
She came up to here on me.
Twice.
- I don't want.
- Allo allo allo,
he's getting down
to the nitty gritty, folks.
- I don't want to hear about it!
(laughing)
- She's a skydiver you know.
- Skydiver.
- Yeah, jumps
out at 10,000 feet.
- It's been done before.
- Without a parachute?
- It's physically
impossible for anyone
to fall 10,000 feet and
not be seriously injured.
Are you kidding?
Dislocated her ankle.
- Is that all?
- Now it's in her
neck, about right there.
- Ankles in her neck.
- You oughta see her
try to put her shoe on.
- That's another no-no.
- You know what I'd rather do?
- I know what I'd rather do.
- I know what you'd rather do,
but let's go to
the party instead.
- Whatever turns you on.
- You're all invited.
- Come on.
(applause)
(party music)
- I'll always call England
the mother country,
whether the Queen
takes the pill or not.
- You know, music isn't
just to be heard anymore.
I mean, it's gotta be
touched and felt and grabbed.
- Oh, sing to me Bobby baby.
- Fill that.
- When scriptures
say an eye for an eye
and a tooth for a
tooth, it is not meant
to offend optometrists
and dentists.
- Dick, how about a little
nibble after the show?
- Just blow in my ear,
I'll follow you anywhere.
- Back home on the plantation
I have taught my family
to pick our friends the same
as we pick our cotton: white.
- I love Henny Youngman.
I don't see why
everybody laughs at 'im.
- The biggest problem is
for communications, say,
what Rorschach calls
boxes, you call things.
- I'm the only one
around here I know
who doesn't need a psychiatrist.
At least that's what
my analyst tells me.
- You know, parson, I
understand that Detroit's
thinking of a new safety
device for teenagers:
no back seats.
- I know Mom loves me.
But I have a feeling
Dad keeps me around
just for tax purposes.
- I have no plans to
get into politics myself.
I figure I'll just settle for
governor of California.
- Politics doesn't bother me.
On every proposition
I just vote yeah!
(ballet music)
- I tawt a taw a puddy cat!
- Marshall McLuhan,
what are you doing?
- Lately, I've been
worrying about Phyllis Diller.
I think she's losing her looks.
- It's time now for our
Discovery of the Week.
(fanfare)
- I've got one for you fellas.
- One what?
- A sextet.
- Oh, a grope!
- You mean a group.
- Oh, leave him
alone, spoilsport.
- What do they do, Gladys?
- Oh, never mind.
Tonight they're gonna play.
- Good, well bring
the six of 'em out here.
- Oh no, there's only five.
- You said it was a sextet.
- Just hopin'.
- I can hardly wait,
what's their name?
- The Holy Modal
Rounders, ready fellas?
A one, a two, a three, a four.
(rock music)
You got the right string baby
The wrong yoyo Somebody
Knocking at my door
I met this morning
at the hardware store
I got a brand new
string for my yoyo
Walked down to the doctor
and had the string put on
He made a mistake and
put the string on wrong
Ain't no use in knocking
on my back door
You got the right string
and the wrong yoyo
Everywhere I go It's
the same old thing
Even though my yoyo
doesn't fit my string
I just nod my head
(drowned out by laughter)
You got the right string
But the wrong yoyo
(rock music)
(applause)
- And that, as everybody knows,
was the lovely and
talented Holy Modal Sextet.
- Well, that's the
way the sex tets.
- Today the Holy Modal sextet,
tomorrow the Tijuana Brass.
Pucker up, Herbie baby.
- You know, Judy, the
metal ball of this pen
is made of the same
super hard substance
that's used in the nose cone
of the United
States moon rockets.
- Hmm, does that help the pen?
- No, but if the moon
was made of butter,
the rocket could write on it.
- There's another
moon rocket butter joke!
- If the lilies openeth at dawn,
and the jasmine openeth at dusk,
what can we expect from
the poor bachelor button?
- Well, I don't know, I've
never been out with one.
- And you asked, sweet
brothers and sisters,
if I support Tiny Tim,
what does he stand for?
And I say to you, sweet
brothers and sisters,
Tiny Tim stands for everything!
- Time now for the
question of the week.
The question most
asked this week is,
who found the world's
largest ostrich egg?
Well, the answer
is, Mrs. Jerry Varvra.
Whose egg was six feet
seven inches in length.
- And the second most asked
question this particular week
was, what was the most
curious death on file?
Well, the answer to that, is
Mr, Jerry Varvra, who
died of acute omelette.
- Charlie, what's
an acute omelette?
- I don't know, but
there's an adorable tomato
in the next apartment.
- There's an... (laughs)
And there's an
open-faced sandwich
living in this apartment!
(laughing)
- I gotta get out
of this foxhole.
I can't stand being in
this foxhole any longer!
- Why not?
- This fox keeps biting my leg!
Gah, down!
(vaudeville music)
(squeaking of stairs)
(piano music)
You do something to me
Something - My place
or yours, Bobby baby?
(buzzes)
- Hello, NBC, beautiful
downtown Burbank?
You wanna know why
we have a nice guy
like Bobby Darin
on the same show
with a bunch of cuckoos?
Because we're an equal
opportunity employer, sir.
(music sting)
- Castigate.
- Hey Herman.
(grunts)
Weren't you supposed
to go home last week?
- Yeah, but,
I just couldn't bear
to leave Martha Raye.
- I'm sharing a dressing
room with one of the stars, and,
have you ever
showered with a Drelb?
(piano music)
I love the looks of you
I love the lure of you
How I'd love to
make a tour of you
- I'll steer, Robbo.
(vaudeville music)
- Hey, how about stopping
by the house Saturday,
we're gonna have a barbecue.
- I gotta get one
myself, you know it's
getting a little
long in the back?
- Dick, we're cooking a duck!
- How did you know
I was doing that?
- You're cooking
a duck Saturday?
- No, I'm ducking a cook Friday.
(laughing)
- If it feels good, do it.
- She said if I didn't show up
she'd cook my goose.
- You like cooked goose?
- It certainly is, my
mother always cooked it.
- Am I hearing right or was
that another Mother Goose joke?
- Don't be bashful, Jo
Anne, speak right up.
- I say, am I hearing right,
or is that another
Mother Goose joke?
(laughs)
- Yeah, hey, we'll
be home in case
you decide to come over
for a goose, or a squab,
or whatever turns you on.
- I don't have to dress, do I?
- Well, it might help me
out with the neighbors,
but it's informal, slacks,
sweater, no necktie.
- Oh.
- Good morning Darling,
and happy anniversary.
- Shot, four years
of my life shot
right down the tube, shot.
- No, don't make jokes darling.
- Jokes? I'm telling you, shot,
the best years of
my life, pfft, shot.
- Don't say that,
honey, I love you.
- You do?
- Uh huh.
- Why?
- Cause you're gonna
get out of this bed
and make my breakfast.
- You know, if the
Acme cigarette company
merged with the Gay
Fish Packers company,
the new firm would be called
the Gay Filtered Fish company.
- Pfeh.
(buzzes)
- Hello, NBC beautiful
downtown Burbank?
(fast forwarded speech)
- Oh, that's the kindest thing
we heard about the show
this season.
(fast forwarded speech)
Well, you certainly do have
a way with words, Mr. Rickles.
- See it at your
local drive-in, folks,
see it as it really happened,
in magnificent color.
Thrills, excitement,
and a great deal of pain.
Victor Buono stars
as Rosemary's Baby.
- Movies are better
than ever, Bobbo.
- Okay, Dave, just
read what's on the cards,
it's real easy.
- Okay.
And now, the Laugh-In news
presents the Laugh-In news.
So here's Dan and Dick
with the Laugh-In news.
- Hey!
That's pretty good!
(giggles) Two for flinching!
(sped up ballet music)
What's the news
across the nation
We have got the information
In a way We hope will amuse you
We just love to
give you our views
La Da Dee Da Ladies and gents,
Laugh-In looks at the news!
Enter fairy Dan!
(applause)
- And now, with news of
the present, here's the man
to whom the news wouldn't
be the news without the news,
here's Dicky.
(elevator music,
cheering and applause)
- In the international news,
hopes for an early settlement
of the Paris Peace Talks
dimmed today,
when it was learned
that the Hanoi delegation
had taken a five year
lease on a Paris townhouse.
In retaliation for recent
hijacking of their aeroplanes,
the Israeli army today
stole two Algerian camels,
thus bringing the
Algerian transit system
to a complete halt.
San Francisco, the Haight-
Ashbury hippie movement
has recently
become more militant.
They're still throwing flowers,
but now they're
leaving them in the pots.
- Whoever heard of a hippie
throwing away a good pot.
- Alright, take it away Goldie.
(drumroll)
- Peekaboo.
And now a sneak preview of
the news 20 years from now,
and here to preview it is
our head sneak, Dan Rowan.
- That was just perfect, Goldie.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- 1988 20 years from
now Washington DC.
Parking meter rates went
up to $100 an hour today.
Outraged citizens complained,
stating that they refused
to pay as much to park
as they pay for a
pack of cigarettes.
1988, 20 years from now,
the Presidential candidates
for both the liberal and
the conservative parties
were chosen today by
the IBM computer selector.
Contacted at his vacation
hideout in Selma, Alba-Alabama,
ex-mayor Richard Daley said,
"They're both good
men but these machines
"have taken all the fun
out of political conventions."
1988, 20 years from
now, continuing their policy
of compliance with the anti-
violence code on television,
the Television Academy
of Arts and Sciences today
announced their 1988 awards.
The Emmy for the
best Special of the year
went to "Flower Arranging
and Floral Design."
The Best Series was judged
to be the wonderfully amusing
and informative "Finger
Painting and How I Licked It."
Meanwhile, meanwhile the Andy
Warhol underground TV network
was raided again last
night for sneaking reruns
of the more violent segments
of Gentle Ben and Lassie.
- And now, a word
from our weather girl.
- Hot.
And wet.
- And now for our big
Laugh-In sports report,
here's our big Laugh-In sport.
- Hi!
Big Al here, in the
old hockey diamond.
Hi, to all you little leaguers.
Time to call 'em as we see
'em, a featurette. (rings bell)
I have several irate
letters and telegrams
from a number of you out there,
and you know who you are.
Crying because I didn't cover
your big football
game yesterday.
Well, I can't be
everywhere ya big ninnies!
If I go chasing off pellmell
to every silly football game,
who may I ask is gonna
cover the big polo match
at Cornel Wilde's place.
- Cornel Wilde?
- Yes, Cornel Wilde.
- And now, a Laugh-In extra.
Since the public
opinion pollsters tell us
how we think, let's
have a look at them.
- Johnson, Jones,
Wacker, as you well know
there are 7000
points, six poll takers
in that convention hall,
and they're all
anxiously awaiting
the results of this particular
voting procedure meeting.
- 100% correct, sir.
- Check.
- Oh right.
- Very well, gentlemen,
shall we sit down?
- Don't you think we ought
to take a cross-section poll
on that, sir?
- Voice vote?
- Raising hands?
- Very well, we'll
do it this way.
How many would like to sit down?
- Wacker, I take it you
are not in favor of sitting?
- It's not that sir, I thought
we were going to vote
by standing up.
- Wacker, we're still
voting on sitting down
and we're voting
by raising hands,
or voting by sitting down
and by not raising hands.
No one has gotten
to standing yet.
Sit down, Wacker.
And stand up when
you speak to me!
Sit down, you dingaling!
Very well.
I would like now to get
a clean-cut cross-section
of this particular voting team.
All those who prefer to vote
on standing by sitting down,
why, indicate please by sitting
but not raising your hands.
Those who would prefer
to vote and/or sit and stand,
please stand and
raise your hands.
Undecided may
slightly or partially stand,
and elevate one hand.
Those who have no
opinion whatsoever
elevate the other
hand, have you got it?
- Have you got it?
- Have you got it?
- You-Wacker, you can't
remain seated while standing,
what is that?
- It's bursitis!
- I think I've got it myself.
- See there Wacker,
your frivolous attitude
is even creeping
into the news report.
- Well I think you
oughta wait until
we do our news report
before you say that, Dan.
- We just did the
news report, Goldie.
- Oh.
- I used to know all that stuff.
- Wacker.
Sit down, you dingaling.
(fanfare)
In some secluded rendezvous
That overlooks the avenue
With someone
sharing a delightful chat
Of this and that
And cocktails for two
(rattling)
- How many does it
usually take, Robbo?
Here, start right now.
- For you?
- Yes.
Drink up.
- You-you ain't got enough.
- Well, you go like
zis, und you say wrong.
- Colonel warned us about
getting trapped in this foxhole,
but, you know, you don't
wanna follow his orders.
Another fine mess
you've gotten us into.
- Well let's try to get
back to the Colonel.
- We can't you dumdum,
that's the Colonel
shooting at us.
- Oh!
Let's get him!
- [Clock] Cuckoo! Cuckoo ow!
(groans)
Cuckoo, you're
drunk, you're drunk!
(cuckoo clock screaming)
- I buy only the best chickens
and I steal the rest of 'em.
- And now, the lovely
Miss Jo Anne Worley
singing "I've Got
You Under My Skin."
I've got you Under my skin
Lalalala (laughs)
I guess so, Bill, right
there on the chest!
- I think I've got it too!
Must have caught it from Wacker!
(silly music)
Dumb!
- NBC realizes that man
does not live by bread alone.
Nevertheless, here's
another loaf of commercials.
- Folk, y'all have just
missed Gunsmoke.
(gunshot)
Wacker!
- And now, back to the big kids!
- Tada!
- Lovely, Gladys.
(60's dance music)
- Now, you know I understand
the heavyweight title fight
in Saigon has been cancelled?
Yeah, it seems
Muhammad Ali still refuses
to fight in Vietnam.
- Bobby, why are
jockeys so short?
- I don't know, I guess
when you wear them,
it's just hard to
stand straight.
- You know what puzzles me?
If horse racing is
the sport of kings,
what's the sport of queens?
- Having the Olympics in
Mexico City should be fun.
I understand the whole
town's been high for years.
- I guess those silly
games are alright,
but for good clean fun
you can't beat camping.
- If you want to watch a guy
who really blows his mind,
look at for loser in game
of Russian Roulette.
- Oh I tried a new sport
last week, (laughs).
I wish I could
remember his name.
- I encourage all of my
flock to participate in sports.
Particularly bingo at
the church of their choice.
- My granddaddy the Colonel
stopped planting cotton.
This spring he put in yeast,
and come harvest time,
the South will rise again!
- I never go out
with soccer players.
I hear they're not
allowed to use their hands.
- You know, very recently
I went big game hunting
in Africa.
- Oh really, Zambezi?
- On the contrary,
quite difficult.
- You know, I took this
gorgeous redhead to play golf,
and she has a very good game.
In fact, I think it's
better than golf.
(applause)
- If I were shorter and fancier,
I'd be an itsy
bitsy ritzy Mitzi.
- You know, if Kirk
Douglas married Phyllis Kirk,
and she divorced him and
married Douglas Fairbanks Jr,
and married Justice
William O. Douglas,
she'd be Phyllis Kirk-Kirk-
Douglas-Douglas-Douglas.
Hey guys, save that for Gorshin.
- If a French dog in
America ate a German pastry,
it would be a Yankee
Doodle Poodle Strudel.
- Now friends, let me
tell you an amusing,
(snores)
we're on, Dick!
- Wake up, Wacker!
- Dick, hup hup!
- Huh hi!
- (laughs)
- Yes, hi, hup-tention.
Whoo, you woke me up
the middle of a triple play.
- Oh really? The old Tinkers
to Evers to Chance bit, eh?
- No, the old blonde to
redhead to brunette bit.
- You don't play
ball with girls.
- I play ball with them if
they'll play ball with me!
- Do you realize there
are 50 million odd viewers
who have no idea what
you're talking about?
- Well if they're odd,
that's their problem.
- Good for Dan.
At least he managed
to change the subject.
- I had a game last night
you wouldn't believe.
- That was a good try,
Judy, but it didn't work.
- Blonde was on first,
the redhead on second,
the brunette on third.
- The bases were loaded.
- No, the girls were.
- I knew I don't
wanna hear about this.
- Now I'm at bat, see, with
a count of three and two,
and I hit a long fly.
- Anybody score?
- How do I know, all the
girls were home safe with me.
- There's not a
girl in the world
who's home safe with you.
- Dick can warm up in my
bullpen any old time he wants to.
- Was that Casey Stengel?
- Goodness no, Mr. Stengel's
a much younger man.
- If the cobra
drinketh of the grape,
and is transported
to the great heights,
what then of the common viper?
- You know who's at
Gluck's Hillside this week?
- Who, who moved in?
- Kenny Sherberne.
- He moved into
Gluck's Hillside?
- No, he's doing...
- (Giggles) Dan, Dick, hi.
- Oh, hi Goldie.
- Oh boy,
I'm having so much
trouble with this step.
Let's see, do do do do, bum
bum da do do, da do do do,
boop boop (giggles).
- Hey, that's perfect, Goldie.
Now do it with your feet?
- That's the part I can't get.
- There goes a
great little trooper.
- It's troopers like that
that cost us the war.
Pfoof.
- I see 'im.
I got a bead on 'im now.
- Yeah.
I see 'im too.
Now I got a bead on 'im.
You know...
- It's kinda hard to shoot
a guy with beads on.
- You don't have to shoot him,
just blow in his ear,
he'll follow you anywhere.
(music sting)
- Cheers.
- I hope you'll all stay
tuned for Bob Hope's special,
because mine is
on right after his.
Matter of fact, you can
miss his, but stay up for mine.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
we have with us tonight
Sir Geoffrey Cullingsworth,
the world famous chili taster.
- Thank you so much.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I will now test for you,
these three bowls of
highly-spiced vintage chili.
Firstly, ungh.
Oh, (clears throat), mmm.
Just a bit too much body.
Secondly, my word, just a
pinch too dry don't you think.
Marvelous.
(screams)
Ai chihuahua, that's chili,
I like the last one more.
- And now, boys and
girls, of our radio audience,
if you'll all close your eyes,
I'll turn you into
fairies too! (giggles)
- Well, Mr Rosemenco,
you look great tonight,
why don't you dress like that?
Mr Rosemenco, we have a
big surprise for you tonight.
I want you to listen
very carefully and tell me
if you think this voice
sounds familiar to you.
(speaking in nonsense
foreign language)
- Mamushka!
- No, no, that's not your mama.
That is your ex-dancing partner,
who has just managed to escape
from behind the Iron Curtain,
he's here tonight,
Boris Boldolovich.
- It's Boris, Boris, Borushki,
how are you, Borushkovich!
(both speaking nonsense
foreign language)
(singing in nonsense
foreign language)
(singing in nonsense
foreign language)
- Just like in old days.
One more time, it Conducer.
(singing in foreign language)
(applause)
(silly music)
- Grass!
- Hello!
- Hi, Jude.
- Hello.
- What are you reading, Judy?
- One of them racy novels?
- Well if you must know,
it's Ulysses, a Greek saga.
- Oh, no. Ulysses,
the epic poem.
- It may be an epic poem to you,
but it's saga to me.
Oh, no, what did I say?
(audience laughter)
- Well just offhand,
folks, I'd say it's
sock it to me time.
- I'm gonna sock it to you!
- Rapunzel, Rapunzel,
let down your hair.
- Geronimo!
- I'm just waiting for
someone to try to sock it to me.
- There she blows!
- Have they
sounded the all clear?
- Yep, and that's sock
it to me for this week.
(speaking nonsense)
- Hey, what did
you think, Jo Anne?
- About the sock
it to me this week?
- Yeah.
- Well you know what?
At least there weren't any
chicken jokes, (laughs).
- Haha, they socked
it to you, Jo Anne.
(silly music)
- It's like I always say, the
family that bathes together
stays together.
- What they're doing to
the rivers and the streams.
Dick!
- Hmm?
- Wake up, for crying out loud.
- A little crisp
bacon and coffee.
- Listen. You oughta
get more sack time.
- Whatever turns you on, baby.
- Oh no, I mean if you
get some sleep at night,
maybe you'd be able to cope
with your day-to-day affairs.
- Dick never had a
day-to-day affair in his life.
- Poor baby.
- What was that?
- We just cut away
to Judy and Ruth.
You don't even know
how the show works.
- No, but I know
how that joke worked.
I wouldn't touch it with
a 10 foot you know what.
- Go ahead and
say it, a 10 foot pole.
- Boy they grow
up tall in Warsaw.
- In my country they
had a basketball center,
10 foot two, government
wires him for electricity,
call him first utility Pole.
- There's another 10
foot utility Pole joke!
(manic laughing)
- I wish the cast wouldn't
talk so much while we're on.
- Huh, you don't have the
vaguest idea of what's going on,
I'll bet you don't even know
what's gonna happen next.
- Tell another Polish joke?
- No, we're not gonna
tell another Polish joke,
we're gonna go to
the Mod Mod World,
and take a look at pollution.
Gotta be some
solution to pollution
Gotta be something
brilliant we can do
The rivers are getting muddy
And the air's becoming cruddy
It's no wonder that
everybody's turning blue
- Yech.
- Poo!
There must be a way
to freshen up the sewers
Let's hurry and
deodorize the sun
The roads will begin to glitter
When we burn it below the winter
Now let's pucker and
blow away a big of smog
Polluted water
can't really hurt you
If you don't drink
or swim or sail
That dirty ozone
will never kill you
Breathe out but don't inhale
Jordawritis from
the house of hepatitis
We better begin by
blowing up the factories
We'll hit every stupid
smoker in the head
There's gotta be some solution
To the problem of pollution
Or we might as well be dead
The land is a mess
The lakes are a sump
No wonder we're
hollering what a dump
Industrial waste
is turning us off
Why even my bippy
is starting to cough
Burbank police
are looking around
we'll probably start throwing
the lunch on the ground
The dirt and the trash
are really obscene
Who's keeping America clean?
Polluted parkways
And rancid rivers
We really filled
these with that snow
What of the fishes
What of the birdies
What of the water buffalo
A dozen roses for
your mononucleosis
Let hit it America!
Let's take all the cars and
push em off the highways
The litterbug gets
a spider in his hair
There's gotta be some solution
To the problem of pollution
Or we might as well be dead
Wrap up your refuse
We might as well be dead
Put out your garbage
We might as well be
dead Keep it clean!
(applause)
(Organ music)
- That's not funny.
- Smog is good for ya.
On a cold day, you
can't see your breath!
- Smog is impartial.
It never discriminates
regardless of race,
creed, or color.
(coughing)
Mayor Yordy of Los
Angeles announced today
that he and the city
council plan an extensive
investigation into the
smog problem here.
They're going to
do that, of course,
the moment they
can locate City Hall.
- Bulletin from the future,
20 years from now, 1988.
The Mississippi river today
clogged with industrial waste
and came to a complete stop.
Informed of this, the President
of the National Association
of Manufacturers
offered a suggestion,
which was dear of him.
He says, "don't think
of it as losing a river,
think of it as
gaining a highway."
- All day I search
the barren wastes,
in hope of finding Pittsburgh.
(60's TV action music)
- We're here in Cleveland, Ohio,
in our continuing
search for people
with interesting occupations.
Just how long have you been
with the Department
of Sanitation, sir?
- Uh, I ain't with it the
Department of Sanitation, lady.
I'm a lifeguard, Lake Erie.
Have some.
(60's TV action music)
- Queen Isabella.
I go now and find the
new way to the Indies.
- Okay, Columbus, but
when you get to the edge,
throw this garbage
over, will you?
- Dan Rowan here in Newark
Airport, in Newark, New Jersey,
talking to Major Sunny Golden,
who has just returned
from a successful moonshot.
Major, what stands out most
in your memory about your trip?
- Well, one thing
I'll never forget,
as far as the eye can see,
an enormous wasteland
unfit for any kind of life.
- And that's the first thing
you saw when you landed
on the Moon?
- No no, that's when I
landed in New Jersey.
(60's action music)
- Any luck today?
- Yeah, I caught my limit.
- Hello. Judy Carne,
your girl on the go,
here in Center Bluff, Ohio,
a town facing a grim future:
total extinction
from industrial waste
and noxious gases
emanating from the factory
on the north edge of town.
Here with me is
Mr. Keith Preselli,
a worker at the factory.
Tell me, Keith.
- Yeah lady.
- Suppose you tell
our viewers exactly
what's happening here.
- Well you see,
lady, it's like this,
the factory's belching
poison, you know what I mean?
Into the air.
Every day, every night,
all day, seven days a week.
You see all that
smoke over here?
They got us a 94.8 on
the air pollution scale.
- Yes, I can see that.
I imagine Center Bluff
must be up in arms against
the factory workers.
- Well, I mean what
are you gonna do,
the entire town is
dependent on the factory,
and everybody works here.
- Well, what do you
do here, anyway?
- Well we make
smart control devices.
(60's action music)
- Okay, everybody.
Let's start our
morning exercises.
First, let's take a
deep breath of air.
(60's action music)
- Ugh.
I'm simply fed up with all
this talk about water pollution.
- Well, it is a problem, dear.
In fact, I just came across
an article that proves it.
- Oh yeah?
Where?
- Right here, in my soup.
(doorbell ringing)
- Yes?
- Oh hello, I'm here to
ask you a few questions
on the pollution problem?
- Oh, I'm not worried
about it, I take the pill.
- Let's sock it to
America, guys!
Let's take all the cars and
push 'em off the highways
The litterbug gets
a spider in his bed
There's gotta some solution
to the problem of pollution
Or we might as well be dead
Wrap up your refuse
We might as well be dead
Put out your garbage
We might as well
be dead Clean it up!
(applause)
- Huh, that's more like it.
- They really told it like
it is about air pollution.
- And I hope it made
an impression on you.
- Well I'm sure it would.
- Now what are you personally
gonna do about air pollution?
- Hmm.
(rings bell)
(silly music)
(musical sting)
- Bird.
- Hey, what are you
guys still doing here?
Didn't you get
the carrier pigeon?
- Yeah, and it was delicious.
- Yeah.
(silly music)
Well let's take a
boat to Bermuda
Come on let's
take a trip to St Paul
I mean, we'll take a
kayak to Quincy or Nyack
But let's get away from it all
- I'll settle for the Nern Hotel
in beautiful downtown
Burbank, okay, spendo?
Right this way.
- Hey, you got
something in your eye?
- So have I.
- I'm not surprised, either.
I was up early this morning,
you know I'm jogging,
I was jogging down a
road and some clown
comes speeding by, his
car just barely missed me,
and to top it off,
as he went by,
he dumped his ashtray out
and it blew right in my face.
- Hmm.
Was that you?
- Wacker, sit
down, you dingaling!
- And now, here's a late word.
- Midnight.
- Hey, do you think Spiro
Agnew is his real name?
- Is Spiro Agnew
who's real name?
- I forgot the question.
- Hey,
who do I have to be nice
to to get off this show?
(Someone yelling
"Me me me me me")
You, come here.
- Speaking of Henny Youngman.
- Oh, there's only
one Henny Youngman.
- Of course there's only
one Henny Youngman,
but which Henny Youngman?
- Hey lady, you
dropped your sign.
- Had to, dead you know.
- By the way, what
do you call your act?
- The Aristocrats!
- You have to back out
to change your mind.
- How do you think
I rang the doorbell?
- It was so hot, the tongue
sandwich was going, (pants).
- And her mother
didn't believe it either.
- Well, somebody's
gotta go out for coffee.
- Tomorrow it's your
turn in the barrel.
- Let her mother worry.
- Oh, that Henny Youngman.
- One like this,
and one like this.
- Oh, that Henny Youngman.
(faded fanfare)
- Moving right along
now, it's time again
for the coveted Flying
Fickle Finger of Fate award.
- When we single out some
deserving citizen or group,
and give it to them.
- I already have the envelope.
And tonight's winner is,
the Ku Klux Klan.
- Oh, what are those
wizards up to now?
- Well, they ordered
the Xerox Corporation
to remove its copying
machine from Klan headquarters
in Birmingham, Alabama.
- Mercy, mercy, whatever
put an idea like that
in their hoods.
- Well see it's like this.
Xerox sponsored
"Of Black America."
Great TV series devoted
to updating Negro history
and correcting misconceptions
about the Black race.
And I guess the Klan
just wasn't too thrilled
about the whole idea.
- Gee, I wish we had an
inter-office memo on that,
I'd like to run off a few
copies for the bottom
of my bird cage.
- Oh?
- My bird loves
to read, you know.
- Oh I see.
Right. So tonight, Ku Klux Klan,
in recognition of
your continuing efforts
to poison the relations
between the races,
we give it to you.
(musical sting)
- Dribble.
Oh, I wish I hadn't done that.
(peaceful music)
(chuckling)
Like to go to the
saloon with me?
Oh, would you like to go
to the pool hall with me?
I wonder if you could direct
me to the nearest hospital.
- Oh sweet brothers and sisters,
I'd like to speak to you of
this mountain, Mount Baldy.
Do you realize this mountain
is ashamed because it's bald?
Oh, brothers and sisters,
I say let us get together
and have a toupee made up
for this sweet, shy old mountain.
- Folks, send your hair to the
Save Mount Baldy Crusade,
care of Mike Dan, CBS,
beautiful downtown Siberia.
(silly music)
- Bullfrogs, by Henry Gibson.
I like bullfrogs because,
they are so agricultural
and full of bumps.
Well, take for
example our gardens.
Which they debug free of charge.
In addition, there
are the swamps.
But most of all, it is
the way they donate
their little legs for the
French people to fry.
If it were not for the bullfrog,
we would be without warts!
- Nuptials.
- Well, that about wraps it up.
Time to say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, jerk.
- Don't forget next week,
we're gonna be on next week,
we have a show next week that...
- Say I wonder if
you'd mind if I said
something my aunt
once said to me.
- Uh, as a matter
of fact I would mind.
Next week, we do have...
- She was a lady
wrestler, you know.
- She was a lady wrestler?
- Mm-hmm.
- Who?
- My aunt.
She was wrestling Loretta Young
for the World's Championship,
and she got a lobster
caught in her hose.
- Hold it, hold it, she got a
lobster caught in her hose?
- That's funny, that's why
Loretta Young said, "Hold it,"
- That's what she said?
- Yeah.
- Say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
(applause)
(orchestral sting)
- Wasn't it Raquel
Welch who said,
"a place for everything,
and everything in its places."
- You know that a
single girl can get into
a lot of trouble all alone in
beautiful downtown Burbank.
With luck.
(cackles)
- Hey, you know a terrible
thing happened the other day,
I was playing golf
with Jim Henderson,
and I sliced my drive, see?
And went over the fence,
through a windshield,
and caused a terrible accident.
- No kiddin', what are
you gonna do about it?
- I think I'm gonna try
moving my right hand
over a little bit.
- Wacker, shut up!
- Knock knock.
- Who's there?
- Boo.
- Boohoo?
- Well if you're gonna
cry about it I won't play.
- Sock it to me sock
it to me sock it to me.
(operatic singing)
- Is Tiny Tim a boy or a girl?
- I don't think so.
- Now that's funny.
- Help help!
13 men are breaking
into my apartment!
- Oh, Goldie, you and
your silly superstitions.
- Two hands are better than one.
- Where'd you hear that?
- It's an old Navy expression.
- Look that up in your
Funk and Wackers.
- That's Funk and Wagnalls.
- Shut up, Wagnall! Wacker!
- Oh, I don't know
what's wrong with me,
I keep forgetting things.
- Well how long have
you had this problem?
- What problem?
- Oh, that Henny Youngman.
- Hello hello hello.
- What am I doing
on a show like this?
I must be crazy.
- Look, Carter'll
take a vote on it.
- Chris?
- Yes?
- Have you ever been
picked up by the fuzz?
- No, but I'll bet it hurts.
- Help!
My boyfriend just
threatened to jump off
the Empire State Building.
- Jo Anne, doesn't
he know that's illegal?
- Hey, listen, if it
feels good, do it.
What are you doing
Saturday night?
- I'm still trying to find out
what I did last Saturday night.
- Ah, why don't you ask me?
- Alright, what did I
do last Saturday night?
- How should I know that?
- Had you worried
there, didn't we folks?
(silly music)
(piano music)
(duck quacks)
- This program was
prerecorded so the cast
would have time
to make a getaway.
- Very interesting.
But they'll never make
it across the border.
Ooh, stupid.
(single person clapping)
following program
is brought to you in
living color, on NBC.
- I guess that's on your
side of the screen, folks.
- Out! Out, damn spot!
- I think I got it!
- The proceeding was
a spot announcement.
- Just look at, see, no,
look so they can see,
that's him, and look at
the moss under, right there
(giggles), my mother
would be so happy.
- Blow in his ear, he'll
follow you anywhere.
- How's that grab
ya, dimple lovers?
- Blow in his ear and
I'll follow you anywhere.
- I didn't want my husband
to know I was going
on the show tonight, so I
told him I was going to an orgy.
- Here, chick chick chick,
here chicken, chick chick chick.
(fanfare plays)
- And now, from beautiful
downtown Burbank,
in accordance with
US postal regulations,
NBC brings you Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In,
in a plain brown wrapper.
(paper tearing)
Starring Dan Rowan,
and Dick Martin.
With guest star Bobby
Darin, and Judy Carne,
Arte Johnson, Ruth
Buzzi, Henry Gibson,
Goldie Hawn, Dave
Madden, Alan Sues,
"Sweet Brother"
Dick Whittington,
and Jo Anne Worley,
and the fun couple Mitzi
McCall and Charlie Brill.
The Holy Modal Rounder,
yours truly Gary Owens,
and Morgul as
the friendly Drelb.
- How about a drink?
(audience laughing)
How about a smoke?
(audience laughing)
How about a commercial?
- Oh, now you're talking.
(audience laughing)
- Portions of tonight's
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In
are brought to you by:
- Beautiful Hair
Breck, fine products to
keep your hair
looking its very best.
- I use them every night
before I go to the club.
(hammer bouncing)
- That's funny! (laughs)
- [Voiceover] Ask the prima
ballerina how gentle Breck
shampoo leaves hair
more beautifully clean.
(duck gurgles)
- When I want some
shiny manageable hair,
I sock it to my head with...
Not water, you fools, Breck!
The shampoo that helps
leave in the natural oils.
And just listen to this
unsolicited testimonial.
- Well Breck makes
my hair so beautiful,
it just sweeps my
head off its feet.
- I wish they'd let me buy some.
- Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen,
my name is Bobby Darin.
(cards falling)
That Wingy Manone's got a
great sense of humor, hasn't he?
Anyhow, right now it's
my pleasure to introduce
the stars of Laugh-In,
the big kids themselves,
Dan Rowan and the
adorable Dick Martin.
(applause)
Well, the new season
is well underway,
how does it feel to have
a few under your belt?
- I'll drink to that!
- Shows, how does it feel having
a few shows under your belt?
- What shows under my belt?
- I'll try a new tack.
- There's a tack under my belt?
It may be sharp!
- Now listen. Don't
you think it's about time
for an attitude check?
Hmm? Don't you think so?
Would you say so? I mean
is that asking too much?
- Check check check
- Don't you think
it's about time you started
acting like a grown man?
- You should've seen
me last night, hahaha.
- You acted like a
grown man last night?
- With a grown woman!
She came up to here on me.
Twice.
- I don't want.
- Allo allo allo,
he's getting down
to the nitty gritty, folks.
- I don't want to hear about it!
(laughing)
- She's a skydiver you know.
- Skydiver.
- Yeah, jumps
out at 10,000 feet.
- It's been done before.
- Without a parachute?
- It's physically
impossible for anyone
to fall 10,000 feet and
not be seriously injured.
Are you kidding?
Dislocated her ankle.
- Is that all?
- Now it's in her
neck, about right there.
- Ankles in her neck.
- You oughta see her
try to put her shoe on.
- That's another no-no.
- You know what I'd rather do?
- I know what I'd rather do.
- I know what you'd rather do,
but let's go to
the party instead.
- Whatever turns you on.
- You're all invited.
- Come on.
(applause)
(party music)
- I'll always call England
the mother country,
whether the Queen
takes the pill or not.
- You know, music isn't
just to be heard anymore.
I mean, it's gotta be
touched and felt and grabbed.
- Oh, sing to me Bobby baby.
- Fill that.
- When scriptures
say an eye for an eye
and a tooth for a
tooth, it is not meant
to offend optometrists
and dentists.
- Dick, how about a little
nibble after the show?
- Just blow in my ear,
I'll follow you anywhere.
- Back home on the plantation
I have taught my family
to pick our friends the same
as we pick our cotton: white.
- I love Henny Youngman.
I don't see why
everybody laughs at 'im.
- The biggest problem is
for communications, say,
what Rorschach calls
boxes, you call things.
- I'm the only one
around here I know
who doesn't need a psychiatrist.
At least that's what
my analyst tells me.
- You know, parson, I
understand that Detroit's
thinking of a new safety
device for teenagers:
no back seats.
- I know Mom loves me.
But I have a feeling
Dad keeps me around
just for tax purposes.
- I have no plans to
get into politics myself.
I figure I'll just settle for
governor of California.
- Politics doesn't bother me.
On every proposition
I just vote yeah!
(ballet music)
- I tawt a taw a puddy cat!
- Marshall McLuhan,
what are you doing?
- Lately, I've been
worrying about Phyllis Diller.
I think she's losing her looks.
- It's time now for our
Discovery of the Week.
(fanfare)
- I've got one for you fellas.
- One what?
- A sextet.
- Oh, a grope!
- You mean a group.
- Oh, leave him
alone, spoilsport.
- What do they do, Gladys?
- Oh, never mind.
Tonight they're gonna play.
- Good, well bring
the six of 'em out here.
- Oh no, there's only five.
- You said it was a sextet.
- Just hopin'.
- I can hardly wait,
what's their name?
- The Holy Modal
Rounders, ready fellas?
A one, a two, a three, a four.
(rock music)
You got the right string baby
The wrong yoyo Somebody
Knocking at my door
I met this morning
at the hardware store
I got a brand new
string for my yoyo
Walked down to the doctor
and had the string put on
He made a mistake and
put the string on wrong
Ain't no use in knocking
on my back door
You got the right string
and the wrong yoyo
Everywhere I go It's
the same old thing
Even though my yoyo
doesn't fit my string
I just nod my head
(drowned out by laughter)
You got the right string
But the wrong yoyo
(rock music)
(applause)
- And that, as everybody knows,
was the lovely and
talented Holy Modal Sextet.
- Well, that's the
way the sex tets.
- Today the Holy Modal sextet,
tomorrow the Tijuana Brass.
Pucker up, Herbie baby.
- You know, Judy, the
metal ball of this pen
is made of the same
super hard substance
that's used in the nose cone
of the United
States moon rockets.
- Hmm, does that help the pen?
- No, but if the moon
was made of butter,
the rocket could write on it.
- There's another
moon rocket butter joke!
- If the lilies openeth at dawn,
and the jasmine openeth at dusk,
what can we expect from
the poor bachelor button?
- Well, I don't know, I've
never been out with one.
- And you asked, sweet
brothers and sisters,
if I support Tiny Tim,
what does he stand for?
And I say to you, sweet
brothers and sisters,
Tiny Tim stands for everything!
- Time now for the
question of the week.
The question most
asked this week is,
who found the world's
largest ostrich egg?
Well, the answer
is, Mrs. Jerry Varvra.
Whose egg was six feet
seven inches in length.
- And the second most asked
question this particular week
was, what was the most
curious death on file?
Well, the answer to that, is
Mr, Jerry Varvra, who
died of acute omelette.
- Charlie, what's
an acute omelette?
- I don't know, but
there's an adorable tomato
in the next apartment.
- There's an... (laughs)
And there's an
open-faced sandwich
living in this apartment!
(laughing)
- I gotta get out
of this foxhole.
I can't stand being in
this foxhole any longer!
- Why not?
- This fox keeps biting my leg!
Gah, down!
(vaudeville music)
(squeaking of stairs)
(piano music)
You do something to me
Something - My place
or yours, Bobby baby?
(buzzes)
- Hello, NBC, beautiful
downtown Burbank?
You wanna know why
we have a nice guy
like Bobby Darin
on the same show
with a bunch of cuckoos?
Because we're an equal
opportunity employer, sir.
(music sting)
- Castigate.
- Hey Herman.
(grunts)
Weren't you supposed
to go home last week?
- Yeah, but,
I just couldn't bear
to leave Martha Raye.
- I'm sharing a dressing
room with one of the stars, and,
have you ever
showered with a Drelb?
(piano music)
I love the looks of you
I love the lure of you
How I'd love to
make a tour of you
- I'll steer, Robbo.
(vaudeville music)
- Hey, how about stopping
by the house Saturday,
we're gonna have a barbecue.
- I gotta get one
myself, you know it's
getting a little
long in the back?
- Dick, we're cooking a duck!
- How did you know
I was doing that?
- You're cooking
a duck Saturday?
- No, I'm ducking a cook Friday.
(laughing)
- If it feels good, do it.
- She said if I didn't show up
she'd cook my goose.
- You like cooked goose?
- It certainly is, my
mother always cooked it.
- Am I hearing right or was
that another Mother Goose joke?
- Don't be bashful, Jo
Anne, speak right up.
- I say, am I hearing right,
or is that another
Mother Goose joke?
(laughs)
- Yeah, hey, we'll
be home in case
you decide to come over
for a goose, or a squab,
or whatever turns you on.
- I don't have to dress, do I?
- Well, it might help me
out with the neighbors,
but it's informal, slacks,
sweater, no necktie.
- Oh.
- Good morning Darling,
and happy anniversary.
- Shot, four years
of my life shot
right down the tube, shot.
- No, don't make jokes darling.
- Jokes? I'm telling you, shot,
the best years of
my life, pfft, shot.
- Don't say that,
honey, I love you.
- You do?
- Uh huh.
- Why?
- Cause you're gonna
get out of this bed
and make my breakfast.
- You know, if the
Acme cigarette company
merged with the Gay
Fish Packers company,
the new firm would be called
the Gay Filtered Fish company.
- Pfeh.
(buzzes)
- Hello, NBC beautiful
downtown Burbank?
(fast forwarded speech)
- Oh, that's the kindest thing
we heard about the show
this season.
(fast forwarded speech)
Well, you certainly do have
a way with words, Mr. Rickles.
- See it at your
local drive-in, folks,
see it as it really happened,
in magnificent color.
Thrills, excitement,
and a great deal of pain.
Victor Buono stars
as Rosemary's Baby.
- Movies are better
than ever, Bobbo.
- Okay, Dave, just
read what's on the cards,
it's real easy.
- Okay.
And now, the Laugh-In news
presents the Laugh-In news.
So here's Dan and Dick
with the Laugh-In news.
- Hey!
That's pretty good!
(giggles) Two for flinching!
(sped up ballet music)
What's the news
across the nation
We have got the information
In a way We hope will amuse you
We just love to
give you our views
La Da Dee Da Ladies and gents,
Laugh-In looks at the news!
Enter fairy Dan!
(applause)
- And now, with news of
the present, here's the man
to whom the news wouldn't
be the news without the news,
here's Dicky.
(elevator music,
cheering and applause)
- In the international news,
hopes for an early settlement
of the Paris Peace Talks
dimmed today,
when it was learned
that the Hanoi delegation
had taken a five year
lease on a Paris townhouse.
In retaliation for recent
hijacking of their aeroplanes,
the Israeli army today
stole two Algerian camels,
thus bringing the
Algerian transit system
to a complete halt.
San Francisco, the Haight-
Ashbury hippie movement
has recently
become more militant.
They're still throwing flowers,
but now they're
leaving them in the pots.
- Whoever heard of a hippie
throwing away a good pot.
- Alright, take it away Goldie.
(drumroll)
- Peekaboo.
And now a sneak preview of
the news 20 years from now,
and here to preview it is
our head sneak, Dan Rowan.
- That was just perfect, Goldie.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- 1988 20 years from
now Washington DC.
Parking meter rates went
up to $100 an hour today.
Outraged citizens complained,
stating that they refused
to pay as much to park
as they pay for a
pack of cigarettes.
1988, 20 years from now,
the Presidential candidates
for both the liberal and
the conservative parties
were chosen today by
the IBM computer selector.
Contacted at his vacation
hideout in Selma, Alba-Alabama,
ex-mayor Richard Daley said,
"They're both good
men but these machines
"have taken all the fun
out of political conventions."
1988, 20 years from
now, continuing their policy
of compliance with the anti-
violence code on television,
the Television Academy
of Arts and Sciences today
announced their 1988 awards.
The Emmy for the
best Special of the year
went to "Flower Arranging
and Floral Design."
The Best Series was judged
to be the wonderfully amusing
and informative "Finger
Painting and How I Licked It."
Meanwhile, meanwhile the Andy
Warhol underground TV network
was raided again last
night for sneaking reruns
of the more violent segments
of Gentle Ben and Lassie.
- And now, a word
from our weather girl.
- Hot.
And wet.
- And now for our big
Laugh-In sports report,
here's our big Laugh-In sport.
- Hi!
Big Al here, in the
old hockey diamond.
Hi, to all you little leaguers.
Time to call 'em as we see
'em, a featurette. (rings bell)
I have several irate
letters and telegrams
from a number of you out there,
and you know who you are.
Crying because I didn't cover
your big football
game yesterday.
Well, I can't be
everywhere ya big ninnies!
If I go chasing off pellmell
to every silly football game,
who may I ask is gonna
cover the big polo match
at Cornel Wilde's place.
- Cornel Wilde?
- Yes, Cornel Wilde.
- And now, a Laugh-In extra.
Since the public
opinion pollsters tell us
how we think, let's
have a look at them.
- Johnson, Jones,
Wacker, as you well know
there are 7000
points, six poll takers
in that convention hall,
and they're all
anxiously awaiting
the results of this particular
voting procedure meeting.
- 100% correct, sir.
- Check.
- Oh right.
- Very well, gentlemen,
shall we sit down?
- Don't you think we ought
to take a cross-section poll
on that, sir?
- Voice vote?
- Raising hands?
- Very well, we'll
do it this way.
How many would like to sit down?
- Wacker, I take it you
are not in favor of sitting?
- It's not that sir, I thought
we were going to vote
by standing up.
- Wacker, we're still
voting on sitting down
and we're voting
by raising hands,
or voting by sitting down
and by not raising hands.
No one has gotten
to standing yet.
Sit down, Wacker.
And stand up when
you speak to me!
Sit down, you dingaling!
Very well.
I would like now to get
a clean-cut cross-section
of this particular voting team.
All those who prefer to vote
on standing by sitting down,
why, indicate please by sitting
but not raising your hands.
Those who would prefer
to vote and/or sit and stand,
please stand and
raise your hands.
Undecided may
slightly or partially stand,
and elevate one hand.
Those who have no
opinion whatsoever
elevate the other
hand, have you got it?
- Have you got it?
- Have you got it?
- You-Wacker, you can't
remain seated while standing,
what is that?
- It's bursitis!
- I think I've got it myself.
- See there Wacker,
your frivolous attitude
is even creeping
into the news report.
- Well I think you
oughta wait until
we do our news report
before you say that, Dan.
- We just did the
news report, Goldie.
- Oh.
- I used to know all that stuff.
- Wacker.
Sit down, you dingaling.
(fanfare)
In some secluded rendezvous
That overlooks the avenue
With someone
sharing a delightful chat
Of this and that
And cocktails for two
(rattling)
- How many does it
usually take, Robbo?
Here, start right now.
- For you?
- Yes.
Drink up.
- You-you ain't got enough.
- Well, you go like
zis, und you say wrong.
- Colonel warned us about
getting trapped in this foxhole,
but, you know, you don't
wanna follow his orders.
Another fine mess
you've gotten us into.
- Well let's try to get
back to the Colonel.
- We can't you dumdum,
that's the Colonel
shooting at us.
- Oh!
Let's get him!
- [Clock] Cuckoo! Cuckoo ow!
(groans)
Cuckoo, you're
drunk, you're drunk!
(cuckoo clock screaming)
- I buy only the best chickens
and I steal the rest of 'em.
- And now, the lovely
Miss Jo Anne Worley
singing "I've Got
You Under My Skin."
I've got you Under my skin
Lalalala (laughs)
I guess so, Bill, right
there on the chest!
- I think I've got it too!
Must have caught it from Wacker!
(silly music)
Dumb!
- NBC realizes that man
does not live by bread alone.
Nevertheless, here's
another loaf of commercials.
- Folk, y'all have just
missed Gunsmoke.
(gunshot)
Wacker!
- And now, back to the big kids!
- Tada!
- Lovely, Gladys.
(60's dance music)
- Now, you know I understand
the heavyweight title fight
in Saigon has been cancelled?
Yeah, it seems
Muhammad Ali still refuses
to fight in Vietnam.
- Bobby, why are
jockeys so short?
- I don't know, I guess
when you wear them,
it's just hard to
stand straight.
- You know what puzzles me?
If horse racing is
the sport of kings,
what's the sport of queens?
- Having the Olympics in
Mexico City should be fun.
I understand the whole
town's been high for years.
- I guess those silly
games are alright,
but for good clean fun
you can't beat camping.
- If you want to watch a guy
who really blows his mind,
look at for loser in game
of Russian Roulette.
- Oh I tried a new sport
last week, (laughs).
I wish I could
remember his name.
- I encourage all of my
flock to participate in sports.
Particularly bingo at
the church of their choice.
- My granddaddy the Colonel
stopped planting cotton.
This spring he put in yeast,
and come harvest time,
the South will rise again!
- I never go out
with soccer players.
I hear they're not
allowed to use their hands.
- You know, very recently
I went big game hunting
in Africa.
- Oh really, Zambezi?
- On the contrary,
quite difficult.
- You know, I took this
gorgeous redhead to play golf,
and she has a very good game.
In fact, I think it's
better than golf.
(applause)
- If I were shorter and fancier,
I'd be an itsy
bitsy ritzy Mitzi.
- You know, if Kirk
Douglas married Phyllis Kirk,
and she divorced him and
married Douglas Fairbanks Jr,
and married Justice
William O. Douglas,
she'd be Phyllis Kirk-Kirk-
Douglas-Douglas-Douglas.
Hey guys, save that for Gorshin.
- If a French dog in
America ate a German pastry,
it would be a Yankee
Doodle Poodle Strudel.
- Now friends, let me
tell you an amusing,
(snores)
we're on, Dick!
- Wake up, Wacker!
- Dick, hup hup!
- Huh hi!
- (laughs)
- Yes, hi, hup-tention.
Whoo, you woke me up
the middle of a triple play.
- Oh really? The old Tinkers
to Evers to Chance bit, eh?
- No, the old blonde to
redhead to brunette bit.
- You don't play
ball with girls.
- I play ball with them if
they'll play ball with me!
- Do you realize there
are 50 million odd viewers
who have no idea what
you're talking about?
- Well if they're odd,
that's their problem.
- Good for Dan.
At least he managed
to change the subject.
- I had a game last night
you wouldn't believe.
- That was a good try,
Judy, but it didn't work.
- Blonde was on first,
the redhead on second,
the brunette on third.
- The bases were loaded.
- No, the girls were.
- I knew I don't
wanna hear about this.
- Now I'm at bat, see, with
a count of three and two,
and I hit a long fly.
- Anybody score?
- How do I know, all the
girls were home safe with me.
- There's not a
girl in the world
who's home safe with you.
- Dick can warm up in my
bullpen any old time he wants to.
- Was that Casey Stengel?
- Goodness no, Mr. Stengel's
a much younger man.
- If the cobra
drinketh of the grape,
and is transported
to the great heights,
what then of the common viper?
- You know who's at
Gluck's Hillside this week?
- Who, who moved in?
- Kenny Sherberne.
- He moved into
Gluck's Hillside?
- No, he's doing...
- (Giggles) Dan, Dick, hi.
- Oh, hi Goldie.
- Oh boy,
I'm having so much
trouble with this step.
Let's see, do do do do, bum
bum da do do, da do do do,
boop boop (giggles).
- Hey, that's perfect, Goldie.
Now do it with your feet?
- That's the part I can't get.
- There goes a
great little trooper.
- It's troopers like that
that cost us the war.
Pfoof.
- I see 'im.
I got a bead on 'im now.
- Yeah.
I see 'im too.
Now I got a bead on 'im.
You know...
- It's kinda hard to shoot
a guy with beads on.
- You don't have to shoot him,
just blow in his ear,
he'll follow you anywhere.
(music sting)
- Cheers.
- I hope you'll all stay
tuned for Bob Hope's special,
because mine is
on right after his.
Matter of fact, you can
miss his, but stay up for mine.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
we have with us tonight
Sir Geoffrey Cullingsworth,
the world famous chili taster.
- Thank you so much.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I will now test for you,
these three bowls of
highly-spiced vintage chili.
Firstly, ungh.
Oh, (clears throat), mmm.
Just a bit too much body.
Secondly, my word, just a
pinch too dry don't you think.
Marvelous.
(screams)
Ai chihuahua, that's chili,
I like the last one more.
- And now, boys and
girls, of our radio audience,
if you'll all close your eyes,
I'll turn you into
fairies too! (giggles)
- Well, Mr Rosemenco,
you look great tonight,
why don't you dress like that?
Mr Rosemenco, we have a
big surprise for you tonight.
I want you to listen
very carefully and tell me
if you think this voice
sounds familiar to you.
(speaking in nonsense
foreign language)
- Mamushka!
- No, no, that's not your mama.
That is your ex-dancing partner,
who has just managed to escape
from behind the Iron Curtain,
he's here tonight,
Boris Boldolovich.
- It's Boris, Boris, Borushki,
how are you, Borushkovich!
(both speaking nonsense
foreign language)
(singing in nonsense
foreign language)
(singing in nonsense
foreign language)
- Just like in old days.
One more time, it Conducer.
(singing in foreign language)
(applause)
(silly music)
- Grass!
- Hello!
- Hi, Jude.
- Hello.
- What are you reading, Judy?
- One of them racy novels?
- Well if you must know,
it's Ulysses, a Greek saga.
- Oh, no. Ulysses,
the epic poem.
- It may be an epic poem to you,
but it's saga to me.
Oh, no, what did I say?
(audience laughter)
- Well just offhand,
folks, I'd say it's
sock it to me time.
- I'm gonna sock it to you!
- Rapunzel, Rapunzel,
let down your hair.
- Geronimo!
- I'm just waiting for
someone to try to sock it to me.
- There she blows!
- Have they
sounded the all clear?
- Yep, and that's sock
it to me for this week.
(speaking nonsense)
- Hey, what did
you think, Jo Anne?
- About the sock
it to me this week?
- Yeah.
- Well you know what?
At least there weren't any
chicken jokes, (laughs).
- Haha, they socked
it to you, Jo Anne.
(silly music)
- It's like I always say, the
family that bathes together
stays together.
- What they're doing to
the rivers and the streams.
Dick!
- Hmm?
- Wake up, for crying out loud.
- A little crisp
bacon and coffee.
- Listen. You oughta
get more sack time.
- Whatever turns you on, baby.
- Oh no, I mean if you
get some sleep at night,
maybe you'd be able to cope
with your day-to-day affairs.
- Dick never had a
day-to-day affair in his life.
- Poor baby.
- What was that?
- We just cut away
to Judy and Ruth.
You don't even know
how the show works.
- No, but I know
how that joke worked.
I wouldn't touch it with
a 10 foot you know what.
- Go ahead and
say it, a 10 foot pole.
- Boy they grow
up tall in Warsaw.
- In my country they
had a basketball center,
10 foot two, government
wires him for electricity,
call him first utility Pole.
- There's another 10
foot utility Pole joke!
(manic laughing)
- I wish the cast wouldn't
talk so much while we're on.
- Huh, you don't have the
vaguest idea of what's going on,
I'll bet you don't even know
what's gonna happen next.
- Tell another Polish joke?
- No, we're not gonna
tell another Polish joke,
we're gonna go to
the Mod Mod World,
and take a look at pollution.
Gotta be some
solution to pollution
Gotta be something
brilliant we can do
The rivers are getting muddy
And the air's becoming cruddy
It's no wonder that
everybody's turning blue
- Yech.
- Poo!
There must be a way
to freshen up the sewers
Let's hurry and
deodorize the sun
The roads will begin to glitter
When we burn it below the winter
Now let's pucker and
blow away a big of smog
Polluted water
can't really hurt you
If you don't drink
or swim or sail
That dirty ozone
will never kill you
Breathe out but don't inhale
Jordawritis from
the house of hepatitis
We better begin by
blowing up the factories
We'll hit every stupid
smoker in the head
There's gotta be some solution
To the problem of pollution
Or we might as well be dead
The land is a mess
The lakes are a sump
No wonder we're
hollering what a dump
Industrial waste
is turning us off
Why even my bippy
is starting to cough
Burbank police
are looking around
we'll probably start throwing
the lunch on the ground
The dirt and the trash
are really obscene
Who's keeping America clean?
Polluted parkways
And rancid rivers
We really filled
these with that snow
What of the fishes
What of the birdies
What of the water buffalo
A dozen roses for
your mononucleosis
Let hit it America!
Let's take all the cars and
push em off the highways
The litterbug gets
a spider in his hair
There's gotta be some solution
To the problem of pollution
Or we might as well be dead
Wrap up your refuse
We might as well be dead
Put out your garbage
We might as well be
dead Keep it clean!
(applause)
(Organ music)
- That's not funny.
- Smog is good for ya.
On a cold day, you
can't see your breath!
- Smog is impartial.
It never discriminates
regardless of race,
creed, or color.
(coughing)
Mayor Yordy of Los
Angeles announced today
that he and the city
council plan an extensive
investigation into the
smog problem here.
They're going to
do that, of course,
the moment they
can locate City Hall.
- Bulletin from the future,
20 years from now, 1988.
The Mississippi river today
clogged with industrial waste
and came to a complete stop.
Informed of this, the President
of the National Association
of Manufacturers
offered a suggestion,
which was dear of him.
He says, "don't think
of it as losing a river,
think of it as
gaining a highway."
- All day I search
the barren wastes,
in hope of finding Pittsburgh.
(60's TV action music)
- We're here in Cleveland, Ohio,
in our continuing
search for people
with interesting occupations.
Just how long have you been
with the Department
of Sanitation, sir?
- Uh, I ain't with it the
Department of Sanitation, lady.
I'm a lifeguard, Lake Erie.
Have some.
(60's TV action music)
- Queen Isabella.
I go now and find the
new way to the Indies.
- Okay, Columbus, but
when you get to the edge,
throw this garbage
over, will you?
- Dan Rowan here in Newark
Airport, in Newark, New Jersey,
talking to Major Sunny Golden,
who has just returned
from a successful moonshot.
Major, what stands out most
in your memory about your trip?
- Well, one thing
I'll never forget,
as far as the eye can see,
an enormous wasteland
unfit for any kind of life.
- And that's the first thing
you saw when you landed
on the Moon?
- No no, that's when I
landed in New Jersey.
(60's action music)
- Any luck today?
- Yeah, I caught my limit.
- Hello. Judy Carne,
your girl on the go,
here in Center Bluff, Ohio,
a town facing a grim future:
total extinction
from industrial waste
and noxious gases
emanating from the factory
on the north edge of town.
Here with me is
Mr. Keith Preselli,
a worker at the factory.
Tell me, Keith.
- Yeah lady.
- Suppose you tell
our viewers exactly
what's happening here.
- Well you see,
lady, it's like this,
the factory's belching
poison, you know what I mean?
Into the air.
Every day, every night,
all day, seven days a week.
You see all that
smoke over here?
They got us a 94.8 on
the air pollution scale.
- Yes, I can see that.
I imagine Center Bluff
must be up in arms against
the factory workers.
- Well, I mean what
are you gonna do,
the entire town is
dependent on the factory,
and everybody works here.
- Well, what do you
do here, anyway?
- Well we make
smart control devices.
(60's action music)
- Okay, everybody.
Let's start our
morning exercises.
First, let's take a
deep breath of air.
(60's action music)
- Ugh.
I'm simply fed up with all
this talk about water pollution.
- Well, it is a problem, dear.
In fact, I just came across
an article that proves it.
- Oh yeah?
Where?
- Right here, in my soup.
(doorbell ringing)
- Yes?
- Oh hello, I'm here to
ask you a few questions
on the pollution problem?
- Oh, I'm not worried
about it, I take the pill.
- Let's sock it to
America, guys!
Let's take all the cars and
push 'em off the highways
The litterbug gets
a spider in his bed
There's gotta some solution
to the problem of pollution
Or we might as well be dead
Wrap up your refuse
We might as well be dead
Put out your garbage
We might as well
be dead Clean it up!
(applause)
- Huh, that's more like it.
- They really told it like
it is about air pollution.
- And I hope it made
an impression on you.
- Well I'm sure it would.
- Now what are you personally
gonna do about air pollution?
- Hmm.
(rings bell)
(silly music)
(musical sting)
- Bird.
- Hey, what are you
guys still doing here?
Didn't you get
the carrier pigeon?
- Yeah, and it was delicious.
- Yeah.
(silly music)
Well let's take a
boat to Bermuda
Come on let's
take a trip to St Paul
I mean, we'll take a
kayak to Quincy or Nyack
But let's get away from it all
- I'll settle for the Nern Hotel
in beautiful downtown
Burbank, okay, spendo?
Right this way.
- Hey, you got
something in your eye?
- So have I.
- I'm not surprised, either.
I was up early this morning,
you know I'm jogging,
I was jogging down a
road and some clown
comes speeding by, his
car just barely missed me,
and to top it off,
as he went by,
he dumped his ashtray out
and it blew right in my face.
- Hmm.
Was that you?
- Wacker, sit
down, you dingaling!
- And now, here's a late word.
- Midnight.
- Hey, do you think Spiro
Agnew is his real name?
- Is Spiro Agnew
who's real name?
- I forgot the question.
- Hey,
who do I have to be nice
to to get off this show?
(Someone yelling
"Me me me me me")
You, come here.
- Speaking of Henny Youngman.
- Oh, there's only
one Henny Youngman.
- Of course there's only
one Henny Youngman,
but which Henny Youngman?
- Hey lady, you
dropped your sign.
- Had to, dead you know.
- By the way, what
do you call your act?
- The Aristocrats!
- You have to back out
to change your mind.
- How do you think
I rang the doorbell?
- It was so hot, the tongue
sandwich was going, (pants).
- And her mother
didn't believe it either.
- Well, somebody's
gotta go out for coffee.
- Tomorrow it's your
turn in the barrel.
- Let her mother worry.
- Oh, that Henny Youngman.
- One like this,
and one like this.
- Oh, that Henny Youngman.
(faded fanfare)
- Moving right along
now, it's time again
for the coveted Flying
Fickle Finger of Fate award.
- When we single out some
deserving citizen or group,
and give it to them.
- I already have the envelope.
And tonight's winner is,
the Ku Klux Klan.
- Oh, what are those
wizards up to now?
- Well, they ordered
the Xerox Corporation
to remove its copying
machine from Klan headquarters
in Birmingham, Alabama.
- Mercy, mercy, whatever
put an idea like that
in their hoods.
- Well see it's like this.
Xerox sponsored
"Of Black America."
Great TV series devoted
to updating Negro history
and correcting misconceptions
about the Black race.
And I guess the Klan
just wasn't too thrilled
about the whole idea.
- Gee, I wish we had an
inter-office memo on that,
I'd like to run off a few
copies for the bottom
of my bird cage.
- Oh?
- My bird loves
to read, you know.
- Oh I see.
Right. So tonight, Ku Klux Klan,
in recognition of
your continuing efforts
to poison the relations
between the races,
we give it to you.
(musical sting)
- Dribble.
Oh, I wish I hadn't done that.
(peaceful music)
(chuckling)
Like to go to the
saloon with me?
Oh, would you like to go
to the pool hall with me?
I wonder if you could direct
me to the nearest hospital.
- Oh sweet brothers and sisters,
I'd like to speak to you of
this mountain, Mount Baldy.
Do you realize this mountain
is ashamed because it's bald?
Oh, brothers and sisters,
I say let us get together
and have a toupee made up
for this sweet, shy old mountain.
- Folks, send your hair to the
Save Mount Baldy Crusade,
care of Mike Dan, CBS,
beautiful downtown Siberia.
(silly music)
- Bullfrogs, by Henry Gibson.
I like bullfrogs because,
they are so agricultural
and full of bumps.
Well, take for
example our gardens.
Which they debug free of charge.
In addition, there
are the swamps.
But most of all, it is
the way they donate
their little legs for the
French people to fry.
If it were not for the bullfrog,
we would be without warts!
- Nuptials.
- Well, that about wraps it up.
Time to say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, jerk.
- Don't forget next week,
we're gonna be on next week,
we have a show next week that...
- Say I wonder if
you'd mind if I said
something my aunt
once said to me.
- Uh, as a matter
of fact I would mind.
Next week, we do have...
- She was a lady
wrestler, you know.
- She was a lady wrestler?
- Mm-hmm.
- Who?
- My aunt.
She was wrestling Loretta Young
for the World's Championship,
and she got a lobster
caught in her hose.
- Hold it, hold it, she got a
lobster caught in her hose?
- That's funny, that's why
Loretta Young said, "Hold it,"
- That's what she said?
- Yeah.
- Say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
(applause)
(orchestral sting)
- Wasn't it Raquel
Welch who said,
"a place for everything,
and everything in its places."
- You know that a
single girl can get into
a lot of trouble all alone in
beautiful downtown Burbank.
With luck.
(cackles)
- Hey, you know a terrible
thing happened the other day,
I was playing golf
with Jim Henderson,
and I sliced my drive, see?
And went over the fence,
through a windshield,
and caused a terrible accident.
- No kiddin', what are
you gonna do about it?
- I think I'm gonna try
moving my right hand
over a little bit.
- Wacker, shut up!
- Knock knock.
- Who's there?
- Boo.
- Boohoo?
- Well if you're gonna
cry about it I won't play.
- Sock it to me sock
it to me sock it to me.
(operatic singing)
- Is Tiny Tim a boy or a girl?
- I don't think so.
- Now that's funny.
- Help help!
13 men are breaking
into my apartment!
- Oh, Goldie, you and
your silly superstitions.
- Two hands are better than one.
- Where'd you hear that?
- It's an old Navy expression.
- Look that up in your
Funk and Wackers.
- That's Funk and Wagnalls.
- Shut up, Wagnall! Wacker!
- Oh, I don't know
what's wrong with me,
I keep forgetting things.
- Well how long have
you had this problem?
- What problem?
- Oh, that Henny Youngman.
- Hello hello hello.
- What am I doing
on a show like this?
I must be crazy.
- Look, Carter'll
take a vote on it.
- Chris?
- Yes?
- Have you ever been
picked up by the fuzz?
- No, but I'll bet it hurts.
- Help!
My boyfriend just
threatened to jump off
the Empire State Building.
- Jo Anne, doesn't
he know that's illegal?
- Hey, listen, if it
feels good, do it.
What are you doing
Saturday night?
- I'm still trying to find out
what I did last Saturday night.
- Ah, why don't you ask me?
- Alright, what did I
do last Saturday night?
- How should I know that?
- Had you worried
there, didn't we folks?
(silly music)
(piano music)
(duck quacks)
- This program was
prerecorded so the cast
would have time
to make a getaway.
- Very interesting.
But they'll never make
it across the border.
Ooh, stupid.
(single person clapping)