Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 2, Episode 4 - Episode #2.4 - full transcript
Sketches include Robert explains the birds and the bees, Fickle finger of Fate points to the senate judiciary committee, Kirk delivers the best Sock It To Me so far, Lena Horne and Liberace...
(dreamy music)
- [Narrator] The
following program
is brought to you in
living color on NBC.
- [Announcer] Ladies and
gentlemen, Ms. Lena Horne.
(applause)
- My girdle is killing me.
(audience laughing)
- And now from beautiful
downtown Burbank,
NBC proudly presents
the winner of this year's
Miss Beautiful Burbank contest!
- You shoulda
seen the other guys.
(audience laughing)
(bleating)
- All right, which one
of you mutton heads
is growing cotton?
(audience laughing)
You?
- Harry, you make a mess
in this room and I'll kill ya!
You weirdo!
(energetic music)
(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)
- For those of you
poor unfortunate people
watching in black and white,
you're missing one of
my most beautiful jackets.
(audience laughing)
- You know, a lot of people
ask me why I talk this way.
See, my teeth are wired.
- Speaking of dumb,
I've been asked if I will tell
whether or not this
is a real beauty spot.
The answer is no, I won't tell.
- Here's the big finish, folk!
- Don't make fun
of my gold jacket.
What do you think is
backing the American dollar?
- And now, from the heart of
beautiful downtown Burbank,
famous the world over
for its fruits and nuts,
NBC proudly presents
Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In!
Famous the world over
for its fruits and nuts?
Starring Dan Rowan
and Dick Martin
with guest stars Robert
Folk, Frans Huyan,
and Judy Carne,
Arte Johnson,
with Ruth Buzzi, Henry Gibson,
Goldie Hawn,
Dave Madden, Allen Sues,
Sweet Brother Dick Whittington,
Jo Anne Worley, and
Pigmeat Markham,
Chelsea Brown,
yours truly Gary Owens
and Morgel as
the friendly crowd.
And now, here is the
entertainment portion
of tonight's program.
- [Announcer] Ladies and
gentlemen, Ms. Lena Horne.
(applause)
(audience laughing)
- We all must do
penance here on Earth
and you are no exception.
So here are Dan
Rowan and Dick Martin.
(applause)
(upbeat music)
- Thank you.
- Good evening.
- Hey, you're looking very well.
- Oh, so am I, but
I think he's kind of
put on a little
weight, hasn't he?
- Who?
- Oh, whoever you
were talking about.
- I was talking to you.
- Well, maybe I ought
to go on a diet then.
- You don't have
to go on a diet.
- Well you just said I
was putting on weight!
- No you said
that, I didn't say it.
- Well somebody said it and
there's only two of us here!
- That's true.
- Well (laughs) I see Dick's
as confused as ever. (laughs)
- Hey, maybe if you
got a little more sleep,
it might clear your
head up a little.
- I'm in bed every
night for the news.
- Hundley and Brinkley?
- No, Barbara Cowan.
- Barbara Cowan?
What channel is she on?
- She's my paper boy.
- (laughs) A girl named Barbara
drives by your
house on a bicycle,
throws a newspaper into
your bedroom window,
wakes you up and you read it
and that's how you
get the news in bed?
- Well, if that's the way
you want to put it. (laughs)
- That's the way
I have to put it,
it's the only version
the network will approve.
(audience laughing)
- What network?
- NBC.
- Oh, that network!
- Yes.
It just so happens that
The Rowan & Martin
Laugh-In is on NBC.
- It is?
(audience laughing)
- My favorite show.
- I'm glad you enjoy it.
- I watch it every
Tuesday night.
That Jerry is a riot!
- Jerry.
Jerry is a riot,
I've noticed that.
- (laughing) Dan, wait a minute.
He is so confused!
We better get him
to the party! (laughs)
- That's a good idea.
Why don't you come along, too.
- [Woman] Oh, you silly boy.
(applause)
(energetic music)
- You know, there's
one really good thing
about the South Vietnamese army
and I don't remember what it is.
(audience laughing)
- I know a girl
who just found out
she's been taking
aspirins instead of the pill.
At least she doesn't have
a headache, but I sure do.
(audience laughing)
- Paris is the most
exciting city in the world.
To me, it's the
Burbank of Europe.
(audience laughing)
- I simply quit the
Peace Corps flat
when they assigned
me to Ecuador.
Nobody goes to
Ecuador in October!
(audience laughing)
- Our people have made
great strides in the South lately.
Mostly towards the North.
(audience laughing)
- This is a very
strange country,
the people take
polls to find out
how the elections turn out.
In the old country,
we tell the polls
how the election's
going to turn out.
(audience laughing)
- Last night I had dinner
at a hippie's house.
Of course it was just potluck.
(audience laughing)
- I don't mind
rescheduling holidays
to make longer weekends,
I just don't think Ash Wednesday
should fall on a Monday.
(audience laughing)
- It seems to me we
are living in a world
of compromise and
accommodations.
- Well, if you're
willing to compromise,
I'll see to it that I get
some accommodation.
(audience laughing)
- If you can guess the
number of pennies in my hand,
you can take me home.
- 438,726.
- Close enough.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, the fellas at
San Diego Naval Base
just voted me the
girl they'd most like to,
oh I don't know what it was,
but it sounded
like fun! (laughs)
(audience laughing)
- Well, I don't know why
there should be any question
about capital punishment.
I think everybody in the
capital should be punished.
(audience laughing)
- I hear our Olympic team
has got a 26-foot broad jumper.
- Oh, I'd love to home him.
(audience laughing)
- Personally, I think
working for a 20-mule team
was the best political training
Ronald Reagan could have had.
After all, if you spend that
much time with 20 jackasses,
you ought to be a
natural in politics.
(audience laughing)
(applause)
- Now, here is the
fastest man in the world
who will shoot an
apple off his own head
at a thousand paces.
- Don't hold back, Baron!
I will never relent!
- What about the thumbscrews?
- Well, now you're talking.
(audience laughing)
- Hello, I'm Judy
Carne, your girl on the go
standing here in front of the
International House of Fashion
with two famous designers,
Robin Prect of New York and
Percy Lapady of Hollywood.
Well, what's ahead for us girls?
- Well, I'd say from now on,
the mini skirt and the
macro skirt are through.
My new design raises
the hemlines to here.
- You fool!
You've ruined us all!
I've lowered the
neckline to here.
(audience laughing)
- Have you seen
the weird clothes
men are wearing theses days?
(audience laughing)
- Mercy, mercy, mercy!
- In French that
means thanks. (laughs)
- You're welcome!
I'm just a girl who
can't say n-n-n
(audience laughing)
- It's easy for you to say.
- Go see my new
movie Brotherhood
if you haven't got
anything better to do.
And if you're watching this,
you evidently have
nothing better to do.
- [Announcer]
Stranger Than Truth!
- At the height
of the Civil War,
during the terrible
summer of 1863,
Lance Corporal Craig
Ogelthorp's aged mother
gave him a protective
medallion to wear over his heart.
Corporal Ogelthorp was
wearing that medallion
during the attack at Chickamauga
when an enemy's
sniper shot was heard.
Glancing down, Ogelthorp
saw, much to his amazement,
that the bullet had
indeed been stopped
by the medallion given
to him by his aged mother.
Unfortunately, however,
the bullet had entered
through Corporal
Ogelthorp's back.
(audience laughing)
(buzzing)
- NBC, beautiful
downtown Burbank.
You heard two old jokes used in
the first five
minutes of the show?
Well, stay tuned and
you'll hear lots more!
So sharpen your
pencil, Mr. Burle.
- Now it's time for our
discovery of the week.
(triumphant music)
- Anybody I know?
- Well, better than
that, it's a lady wrestler.
- Right up my alley.
Oh, I love to
wrestle with ladies.
- This lady wrestler
is a sexagenarian.
- Oh, I'll drink to that.
- She is in her 60s.
- Oh, an old sexagenarian, eh?
- You'll love her partner.
- Sure, my place or hers?
- Maybe you better
see her partner first.
Ladies and gentlemen, the
Laugh-In discovery of the week,
Catherine Reeds, lady
wrestler, and her partner.
(applause)
(dramatic music)
- He's a meanie, all right!
- Oh, we got a
little problem there.
Hey, how do you
get an alligator off?
- That's easy, you
just blow in his ear.
He'll follow you anywhere.
- Dummy, you're
thinking of a crocodile.
- Oh, sure.
Gee, I used to
know all that stuff.
(silly music)
- That's really weird, lady.
- Thank you.
(applause)
- How about that?
It sure was wrinkled and lumpy.
- Yeah, so was the alligator.
- You know, Ms.
Reeds and her alligator
flew all the way
here from Florida.
- United?
- No, they crate the alligator.
- Sure, there's another
crate the alligator joke.
(whimsical music)
- The Alligator by Henry Gibson.
(hums)
The alligator is my pal
He could be your pal too
He will if you'll
just understand
That he's got feelings too
He loves to play and swim about
He never sings the blues
You'd like him
better as a friend
Than wearing him as shoes
- Blow in his ear, he'll
follow you anywhere.
(audience laughing)
- Now, friends, if
you will permit me,
I would like to add
a personal note
regarding a challenge
we all face today.
- What's with the personal note?
- It's just something
I feel I have to say.
If you just listen a minute,
maybe you'll learn something.
- Well, I certainly hope so.
- I do too.
Ladies and gentlemen, I
believe the election of 1968
will be the most important
vote you ever cast.
The next president will
face untold decisions,
guarding our destinies from
an office almost too great
for one man to bear.
He must have that certain
indefinable something
that separates
mediocrity from greatness.
History reveals few
men were so qualified.
Churchill had it,
Roosevelt had it,
Washington,
Lincoln, Disreali had it,
today the French like to
think that de Gaulle's got it,
and I like to think
that future historians
will find the man we Americans
elect in this troubled year
that he's got it too.
Forgive me, Dick,
it's just something
that I felt I had to say.
- You're right.
You know, I learned
something too.
- I'm glad to hear that.
- You know what?
- What?
- I think I got it too.
(audience laughing)
- You know what?
I think I got it too.
- You know, I just finished
a picture with John Wayne.
I think I'm getting it too.
You know something?
I think we're all getting
it from John Wayne.
(audience laughing)
I love a piano, I love a piano
- Whatever turns you on, baby.
(bleating)
- Okay, so wool makes you itch.
What do you want
me to do about it?
- Two-rrific!
- No, Frans, say it
like it was one word.
T'rrific!
- Thanks, Goldie.
- Stick with me, I
know all that stuff.
(audience laughing)
- [Announcer] Ladies and
gentlemen, Ms. Lena Horne.
(applause)
(audience laughing)
(bleating)
- Well, I admit, one black
sheep looks like tokenism,
but at least it's a
beginning, isn't it?
- Harry, if you told me
you were going to do this,
I wouldn't have
bothered with dinner!
(energetic music)
(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)
(splashing)
- In my country,
there is a saying
(speaks in foreign language)
which literally translated
becomes, "here come the judge."
- Your Honor, the
testimony of my client
has been misconstrued!
- Hold it, lawyer!
Nobody talks to me like that
when I'm doing my judging!
Get out of here!
- Now I say to you,
weet brothers and sisters,
a clean body and a clean mind.
Take your pick.
- [Narrator] Stupid
question number 67.
- Is there a doctor
in the house?
- Why, is one missing?
- Oh, that Henny Youngman!
- Look, Frans, you
see how easy it is
when you pay attention?
- Tell me, Ms. Ofprey,
what is it that prompts you
to have these
physical examinations?
- Every year at this time,
I like someone
to see the real me.
(audience laughing)
- Erky, perky.
- All right now,
then, Mrs. Calaher,
if you will just go
behind this screen
and remove your clothing.
- Well, all right, doc.
Last one out is a
ninny. (laughing)
- (laughing) It's a no-no!
(laughing) But it's funny!
- Well now, how
does it feel to have
the first transplanted
heart of an eagle?
(gurgling)
(whimsical music)
- I'm getting sick
and tired of those
transplant the heart
of the eagle jokes.
(imitates bird call)
(gurgling)
(gurgling)
(gurgling)
(gurgling)
(imitates bird call)
(whimsical music)
- Crocodile.
- And now, ladies and gentlemen,
it's time for Laugh-In report
with the news of the
past, present and future
as seen by Dan and Dick.
They're the big kids.
(dramatic music)
What's the news
across the nation
We have got the information
In a way, we hope
we'll amuse youse
(laughing)
We just like to
give you our views
La la la la
Ladies and gents,
Laugh-In looks at the news
Here's Double-0-Dan (applause)
- And now with the
news from the present,
here's the man to whom the news
wouldn't be the news
without the news.
Here's Dicky!
(upbeat music)
(applause)
- Cleveland, Ohio.
The National Association of
Manufacturers today denied
that the pollution of
Lake Eerie is caused by
industrial waste from
factories along its shore.
They insist the blame be
put where it truly belongs,
on the lake's 800,000 dead fish.
(audience laughing)
Hollywood, California,
following the trend of
entertainers
going into politics,
it was rumored today
that Audrey Hepburn
plans to run for governor
as soon as she becomes 35.
Estimates are that she has
about seven inches to go.
- Poor baby.
I know just how she must feel.
(audience laughing)
- And now one final
item from Chicago.
The United States
Association of Trainmen today
elected Mayor Daley
railroader of the year.
(audience laughing)
And now, take it away, Goldie!
- And now for you legions
of futuristic fans. (laughs)
It's time for a laugh and
look at the world of tomorrow
as Dan Rowan injects
himself into the year 1988.
Take it away, Dan!
- That's projects, Goldie.
- Take it away, Projects!
(audience laughing)
Lug.
- Terrific.
- New York, 1988.
CBS, NBC and ABC
issued a joint statement today
announcing they will
not cover this year's
presidential campaign.
The head of the FCC praised
the announcement, saying,
"There's too much
violence on TV as it is."
1988, 20 years
from now, Tel Aviv.
Israeli General Moshe
Dayan returned home today
after leading his men in
another successful war
against the Arabs.
It was a tearful reunion,
as the general had not seen
his family in over four hours.
(audience laughing)
- Ooh, and now news of the past.
Laugh-In takes you back
to the Garden of Eden
for proof that maybe you parents
haven't been lying
to your children
as much as you think you have.
(groaning)
- Adam?
- Yeah, honey.
- I'm getting sick and tired of
just the two of us in
this great, big world.
I want to have a baby.
- Well, no more than I do, dear.
- What are you waiting for?
- Well, I, I, I didn't
want you to think
I was getting pushy or anything.
- Maybe you were
just plain scared?
- No, certainly not.
- Then get on with it!
(insect buzzing)
- Okay.
- You got the bee?
- Yep, you got a bird?
(bird chirping)
- I got the bird.
- You think this is gonna work?
- I don't know.
(bee buzzing)
(bird chirping)
It's working!
(audience laughing)
- [Announcer] Now, here's baby!
- Oh!
Look, darling!
Oh, I'm so happy!
He's got your nose!
(audience laughing)
- That's groovy!
- That's the most
beautiful thing I ever heard.
- And now you sport cuckoos,
here is Alan Sues' Sport Scenes.
- Hello all you sports
fans, Big Al here
with the old polo puck.
And a word on harness
racing, boo, bad.
Frankly, I've had it
with harness racing.
Last evening at Hollywood Park,
harness racing
hit its all-time low
when Soldier's Pride,
the leading trotter,
showed its true colors.
Purple, chartreuse.
Criminal, criminal.
- That about wraps it up tonight
for our Laugh-In news report.
- If any of you have
any favorite news items
you'd like to see on the news,
just drop 'em by and we'll
drop 'em in the old mailbag.
- I didn't know we
had an old mail bag.
- Somebody calling me?
(audience laughing)
- Harry, how inconsiderate!
You know the cleaning woman
doesn't come until Wednesday!
She's your favorite!
The whole town knows that.
(whimsical music)
- Beep beep.
- No, no, Frans, that's bipi.
- What's a bipi?
- It's a lot like a bipi.
- Oh, thanks, Goldie.
- I know all that stuff!
(audience laughing)
- We'll be right back.
Meanwhile, don't do
anything I wouldn't do.
- Hello.
- Ah.
(audience laughing)
- Hello.
And now, folks, what
you've all been waiting for,
another commercial.
- Bored!
Yuck!
(energetic music)
- You know, a friend
of mine is afraid to fly
so he took train,
and a terrible thing
happened, a plane fell on it.
(audience laughing)
- My idea of a bad trip
is one that goes through
Mississippi or
Alabama or Georgia.
(audience laughing)
- Plane traffic's really
getting ridiculous.
Last week, I flew to New
York bumper to bumper.
(audience laughing)
- I was gonna fly
to Rio on Branet,
but the planes
clash with my suit.
Clash, clash.
(audience laughing)
- Um, I think the
airlines take a big chance
when they fly
now pay later plan,
um, because if (giggles)
the plane doesn't crash,
how will they collect?
(audience laughing)
- In Russia, they got
a new subway service
to friendly neighbors.
Call it submarine. (laughs)
(audience laughing)
- With new student rates,
college kids can now go
to Europe for half price.
Or, they can go all
the way to Vietnam
just by flunking history.
(audience laughing)
- You know,
if the president really wants
to stimulate travel at home,
why doesn't he just
repeal the Mann Act?
(audience laughing)
- I don't care if the railroad
lets the clergy ride free,
it's still wrong to call
the Lord super chief.
(audience laughing)
- I got stuck on a troop train
from New York to California.
You know, they're right.
Getting there is
half the fun. (laughs)
(audience laughing)
- I just had a fantastic flight.
Breakfast in London,
lunch in Los Angeles
and baggage in Beirut.
(audience laughing)
(applause)
- You know who my favorite
person is on this show?
Me.
(audience laughing)
(bleating)
- Okay, okay, come on, come on,
scatter out, scatter out.
Don't push!
Stop flocking around,
who do you think I
am, Little Boy Peep?
(bleating)
Scatter out.
Come on, now, move, move!
- If sheep stayed
out all day, (giggles)
their wool would come
out in sunny tufts, I think.
(audience laughing)
- Sunny tufts?
- Hey, was that Helmut Dantine?
- No, you beautiful dumb
person, that helmet was German.
(audience laughing)
- Moving right
along musically now,
here's Ina Ray Hutton
and her all-girl orchestra
to pose the musical
question Stout Hearted Men
and put a new
bonnet on sweet Sue.
(audience laughing)
The hills are alive (yelling)
- Hey, you know something?
I think I got it too.
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
- We speak the term naked
as a jaybird without trepidation,
but why do we
invariably speak softly
when we speak of
the spread eagle?
(audience laughing)
- Hey, wait a minute.
I wonder if you'd mind if
I left a little early tonight?
- You got something
special going?
- I guess any time I have a date
to go dancing with
a sailor, it's special.
- (laughs) Dating sailors now?
- This is no ordinary
able-bodied seaman, you know.
- Oh, of course not.
- He's an FBI lady.
- He's an FBI lady.
The FBI using
ladies now as agents?
- I didn't know that.
- Well you just said they do!
- Well, there you are.
- Guess that proves it, then.
- Last week she was
a bartender in Phoenix.
- Sounds keen.
- You should have been there.
Oh, you should have been there.
- Yeah? Why?
- I strolled in the bar,
gave her hand a little squeeze,
blew a kiss into those
big, baby-blue eyes,
right above the fake mustache,
ordered a martini
and when it came,
I found a note in
the olive! (laughs)
- And what did the note say?
- I am not the FBI lady.
- If Dick ever told you
the rest of this story,
you'd cry your heart out.
- Mongoose-es.
(tranquil music)
- Look at that.
Hmm.
(audience laughing)
Who's this?
(audience laughing)
Look at this lump.
(audience laughing)
- [Narrator] Stupid
question number 94.
(doorbell rings)
- Pardon me, does Mr. Studley
Carmichael live here?
- No, it's a meeting of
the (speaks in German).
(triumphant music)
- But seriously,
folks, it's time for the
Flying Fickle Finger
of Fate award.
- Who is the lucky
winner tonight?
- The lucky winner tonight is
the Senate Judiciary Committee.
- Ho ho, what have those
little rascals done this time?
- Well, there was
an obscenity case.
(gasps)
An extremely sexy movie.
- Aha!
Maybe if we leave now,
we could still catch it!
- Oh, it's very serious, Dick.
In their tireless efforts
to protect the moral fibers
of all decent
God-fearing Americans,
some members of the
Senate Judiciary Committee
forced themselves to view
this lewd motion picture.
- They forced themselves!
- Yes.
And then what do
you think they did?
- They watched it again!
- No.
- Poor babies!
- No!
They said it was...
- They ran it backwards!
- I'm gonna tell
you what they did,
they said it was
filthy, pornographic
and shouldn't be seen
by any decent person
and then they watched it again.
- Aha!
- And so, tonight
because of their
fearless and constant vigilance
in shielding us
from these goodies,
our Flying Fickle
Finger of Fate award
goes to the Senate
Judiciary Committee.
- You've certainly
got it coming to you.
- Right.
(audience laughing)
- When are they
gonna show it again?
- Well, gentlemen,
now that you've seen
this filthy, disgusting
pornographic film,
what's your verdict?
- Run it again.
- Backwards this time.
- I should get that
girl a closed session.
- She's the devil
if I ever saw one.
- Aren't you even
a little concerned
about the fact that stag movies
are being run in the Senate?
I think it's shocking.
- Well, maybe that's how
Derkson's hair got that way.
(audience laughing)
- For tonight, Laugh-In
takes to the streets.
- I'll drink to that.
(audience laughing)
- And asks the question,
"What is happening to America
"when dirty films
are being shown
"in the hallowed
halls of Congress?"
- No, I can't make a
decision till I've seen the film
four or five times.
- I hear the film proves
all men are created equal.
But all women aren't.
- Personally, I felt the
lighting and the photography
were quite ordinary,
but the costuming was nothing!
- I spilled popcorn
all over myself.
(audience laughing)
- Very interesting,
but unsanitary.
- And now I'll tell
you the worst part.
- Well, I certainly hope so.
- The same film was shown
to the United States
Supreme Court.
- Hmm.
Here come the judge.
- All right.
Now, they were asked
to rule on its obscenity.
- Oh, what are nine old
guys wearing flowing robes
gonna tell me about obscenity?
(audience laughing)
- So tonight, Laugh-In
puts the question
to the members of
the Supreme Court.
All right, solemn sirs,
what have you got
to say for yourselves?
(cheering)
- Tell it like it
is, Your Honors.
(whimsical music)
Fritters.
- Oh, incidentally, you
ain't seen nothing yet, folk!
(giggles)
- Hello.
- Hello there.
- Would you care
to sack my goody?
(audience laughing)
- You want to try
that again, lady?
- Would you care
to sack my goody?
You know, put it in a sack?
- Oh, you mean bag it!
Put it in a bag!
- Oh, well it may
be bag it to you,
but it's sack it to me!
(gasps)
Ooh!
Sock it to me, sock it to me
Sock it to me, sock it to me
Sock it to me, sock it to me
Sock it to me, sock it to me
Sock it to me, sock it to me
Sock it to me,
sock it to me Sock
(audience laughing)
- Sock it to me!
Sock it to me!
Sock it to me!
Sock it to me!
(audience laughing)
Sock it to me, sock it to me
Sock it to me, sock it to me
Sock it to me, sock it to me
Sock it to me, sock it to me
Sock it to me, sock it to me
Sock it to me, sock it to me
- Sock it to me, sock it to me,
Sock it to me, sock it to me,
Sock it to me!
(speaking in foreign language)
(audience laughing)
- Cut the cake, my darling.
- Yes.
Ha!
- Let's cool it,
nobody will know.
(audience laughing)
- Sock it to me!
Hey, guys, that'll
never catch on.
- You're gonna hang around here?
I thought you
were leaving early.
- I'd rather not talk about it.
- Oh, something about
meeting an FBI girl agent
who's posing as a
sailor or a bartender?
- They found her out.
- Oh, really?
- It was her tailor's fault.
- I don't think I
want to hear about it.
- Yes, something about
a double-breasted suit,
I don't remember...
(audience laughing)
- Very interesting, but.
(audience laughing)
- Marshall McLane,
what are you doing?
(buzzing)
- NBC, beautiful
downtown Burbank.
Madame, would
you spell that for me?
Madame, you're a dirty old lady
and we want you on
the show as a regular.
(audience laughing)
Sandy, wait till you hear this.
- How does it grab you, Sandy?
(audience laughing)
- It is said music have chance
to soothe the savage breast,
but what then of the
nervous belly dancer?
- I don't know, I've
never been out with one.
- Aw, poor baby.
- [Narrator] Stupid
question number 322.
- [Woman] Tell me, George,
is there someone else?
- Cheeks! (laughs)
- And now, Laugh-In
proudly presents
a little bit of everything
they call potpourri.
I don't question their
right to present it,
but proudly?
Whew.
- Every once in a while,
we see a news item
that even we can't top.
For instance, take this
recent UPI dispatch.
"The man called Super Nude
dropped out of sight Thursday,
"much to the relief of
the police and motorists.
"Authorities said that the
man wearing a red cape
"and nothing else"
"sprang from the side of
Interstate 95 Wednesday night
"and startled
several motorists."
Now I ask you,
could you top that?
- Oh look!
There on Route 95!
It's a bird!
It's a plane!
It's Super Nude!
(energetic music)
(audience laughing)
- Well, I'm worried about
my daughter, doctor.
She started to run around
and she's taken to drinking
and martinis with
cherries in them!
- I met this girl at a
cocktail party the other night
and we had a great time
until four in the morning
when she started drinking 17
martinis with cherries in them.
- Doc, I'm really upset.
She's fooling
around, I know that.
Stays up all hours
drinking martini after martini
with cherries in them!
Well, that's not the kind of
behavior I expect from my wife!
- Your wife?
- [Group] Joanne is married?
- Beauty hint number 44.
For the radiant schoolgirl
complexion of a 16-year-old,
try being born in 1952.
(squealing)
- My name is Beverly
Funk! (squeals)
- (laughs) And my name
is Charlotte Wagnall!
(laughs)
(laughing)
- I looked that up
in your. (laughs)
Beverly and Charlotte!
(laughing)
- You know what's
wrong with people today?
I'll tell you what's
wrong with people today,
one word: dope fiends.
They take pills to
sleep, pills to wake up,
pills to get them into trouble,
pills to get them
out of trouble.
The problem is life
has them scared stiff.
'Cause if they
weren't scared stiff,
they wouldn't go around
putting all that poison
in their systems, right pal?
- I'll drink to that.
(audience laughing)
- As many of you know,
playwright Tennessee Williams
disappeared some weeks ago.
Luckily, he turned
up safe and sound.
And tonight, we have with
us the man who found him.
Tell me, sir, how did
you find Mr. Williams?
- Absolutely enchanting.
(audience laughing)
- Now once more, the
unforgettable dancing foot
of Peg Leg Bates.
- And now, here's
Toulouse Lautrec to sing
I'm Looking Over
a Four-Leaf Clover.
(audience laughing)
- And now here's Vincent
van Gogh to sing the title song
from Lend an Ear.
- Now here's
George Jestle to sing
Thank Heaven for Little Girls.
- And now here's
Jim Brown to sing
Throw Mama From the Train.
Kiss, kiss!
- And now here's
William F. Buckley to sing
Supercalifragilistic,
expialidocious.
- Look that up in your
Funk and Wagnall.
(audience laughing)
- I can't find William F.
Buckley in my Funk and Wagnall!
- Ladies and gentlemen,
Ms. Lena Horne
doing one of her great numbers.
(applause)
- 83.
(audience laughing)
(energetic music)
- I see it's time once again.
- You better believe it.
- You didn't let me finish.
- Finish what?
- Finish telling them what
it's once again time for.
- Well, it's almost
too late for that.
- For what?
- For whatever it was you were
gonna tell them a minute ago.
- It's time for our salute
to the fourth estate.
- Well, lets' sock it to 'em!
- We are gathered here to
honor all the courageous newsmen
who honestly and
objectively report the news
as they see it.
- That's what they
like you to believe.
- Hey, pal, it's time
for an attitude check.
- I see.
- You see what?
- I see it's time for Laugh-In's
salute to the fourth estate!
- Well and nobly said, sir.
- Okay, all right now.
Come on, we came down here
to get a protest demonstration.
Let's get it on!
Come on, Marty, bring
in the extras, will ya?
Yeah, that's good.
(audience laughing)
We want to get on
the seven o'clock news.
You're gonna have
to have a real cause.
Where are the writers?
Fellas, come here.
- Fire the president!
- Right.
- A new footballs stadium!
- Yeah.
- We don't even
have a football team.
- Well, that's it,
there's your cause.
Now, give me a couple of
slogans for the protest signs.
- Football power!
- Right.
- Harvard Tech wants a team!
- Beautiful.
- Kick off!
- Make Saturday a fun day!
- Made, oy, yeah.
Take that over the
protest sign department,
will ya, fellas?
Make-up, come in and
dirty 'em down a little, will ya?
Get a little blood on
him, make it like Chicago.
All right now, everybody,
adjusting for a voice level.
Let's hear it now,
police brutality.
- [Group] Police brutality!
(yelling)
- Hey, hold it!
You, you and you in the
back with the square, out!
And you with the
tie, what is that?
Get out of here.
- You can't do that!
You kicked out all
the real students!
- I'm sorry, kid, but
that's show business.
(energetic music)
- Laugh-In salutes those
dedicated television newsmen
whose prime
consideration is that
the public shall be informed,
regardless of the circumstances.
- Bill Stork, WXBTV News
here, with a on-the-spot story.
- (gasps) Oh no!
(crying)
- Tell me, madame, do you
have any plans for remarrying?
- Oh!
(energetic music)
- Hello, ladies and gentlemen.
Here's another
draft card burner.
- What do you mean draft card?
This is my diner's card.
(audience laughing)
- What's that got
to do with Vietnam?
- How should I know?
I never ate there.
(audience laughing)
- You're really weird, Arte.
(energetic music)
- Chief!
- Yeah.
- I got the biggest
story of the year!
- Great, let's hear it.
- Get this,
Schenectady, New York.
Police today
uncovered a vast cache
of weapons and ammunition
in the upstate home of multi-
millionaire J. David Tibet.
Huh?
Mr. Tibet owns the Hudson
River Bank of Commerce.
The weapons were hidden
in a dozen wine barrels.
Police believe the presence
of six cars and armored trucks
indicate a major insurrection.
Mildred Watson,
Mr. Tibet's maid,
was responsible for
uncovering the plot
and will be rewarded
for civic responsibility.
- Hmm, sounds good.
Yeah, that's great.
Wait a minute, hold it.
I don't want to
mention Schenectady.
The Mrs. and I have got a
summer cottage up there,
we don't want to hurt
the property values
and we can't mention Tibet's
bank, he runs ads with us.
The thing about
the wine barrels,
now, that's a little sticky.
See, my wife's uncle's
got a winery in California,
it could be bad for business.
The cars and trucks are out.
The paper's shipped by
truck, the owner drives a car,
let's keep them out of it.
Major insurrection, see, I
don't want to get the army upset,
let's kill this major.
This part is okay down here.
Hooligan.
Hooligan! Hold the front page.
Got a great story.
Headline: beloved
millionaire's maid
wins good citizen award.
(audience laughing)
(band music)
We proudly hail
the fourth estate
State our rate
So what could make you saturate
Preventing the
fourth estate, hey
First estates are not so hot
The second estate is really rot
The third estate just hasn't got
The charm of the
fourth estate Dumb extra
Read all about it,
it only costs dime
Extra
Read about all the
violence and crime
The burnings and looting,
the riots and shootings
The murderers Just a dime
Let's hear it for
the newsy group
Who probably
killed to get the poop
Who gets the dirt
And make the scoop
And try to communicate
The double entendre,
novel and slander
Fabulous fourth estate
- Everybody needs newspapers!
Did you ever try to wrap
your garbage in the radio?
(audience laughing)
- Well, look at it this way.
If the paper
didn't use all those
tons and tons of newsprint,
America would be
overrun with trees.
(audience laughing)
- 20 years ago there were
twice as many newspapers
as there are today.
That means we're
only half as confused
as we used to be.
(audience laughing)
- Well, say what you will.
You can't beat newspapers
for election coverage.
Well.
(audience laughing)
Extra, read all about it
A man just bit a dog
woof woof woof woof.
- What I like is that seven
days a week, 365 days a year,
rain or shine, there's
your paper up on the roof.
- I don't see
anything wrong with
the TV publicizing
the rioting and looting.
How else would you
know where the action is?
Let's hear it for
the fourth estate
That very bizarre and
commentate (laughing)
- Now here's something
you can't argue with,
a hard-hitting editorial
on violence and
nudity in the movies.
You'll find it right
here on page two
between the panty girdle ad
and the trunk murder photograph.
(audience laughing)
Extra, read all about it,
they're telling it like it is
Extra, no doubt about
it, they're giving us the biz
They stretch it and bundle it
They color it and mend it
To tell it the way it is
The Burbank Bugle leads the way
For banquets with
nothing much to say
It's out a week from Saturday
Unless it's a little late
But everyone needs
and thoroughly reads
The fabulous fourth estate
Let's give them a cheer
and hearty hear hear
The fabulous fourth estate
Extra, read all about it
The fabulous fourth
estate (applause)
- How's that grab
you, music lovers?
(audience laughing)
- Here comes that
fakakta judge again.
(audience laughing)
- But Your Honor, there's
no precedent in this case.
- No?
I don't need no president
and I don't need
no vice president.
Guilty!
Get out of here!
(audience laughing)
(bleating)
- I knew I should have
looked for the Sanforized label.
Well, your fleece
is white as snow.
You satisfied, shrinko?
- Monday, you don't
want to do anything,
Tuesday, you don't
want to do anything.
The minute I go to a movie,
voila, doing something!
(audience laughing)
(energetic music)
(audience laughing)
- If we cannot remove
the leap from the frog,
the jump from the lizard,
what can we expect of
the poor horned toad?
- Clock.
- Well, I guess it's time
to say goodnight, Dick.
- (Clears throat)
Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Hey, who's Dick?
- Goodnight, Lucy.
- Don't forget to
watch next week.
Hey, we got a show
that'll blow your mind.
There are people...
- I wonder if you would
mind if I said something
my aunt once said to me.
- You know, I'd really
be fascinated to hear it,
but there just
isn't enough time.
Next week, we have...
- She was caught in a
grass fire in Topeka, Kansas
with 14 Norwegian bell ringers.
(audience laughing)
- Mercy, mercy.
- Well, it hit all the
magazines, big ones, yeah.
- Oh, I would
imagine somebody...
- I thought perhaps
what she said
when she came
running out of the fire
would be of
interest to the folks.
- You got me on tenterhooks.
- Well, as she came
out of the fire, you know,
and she was there with
14 Norwegian bell ringers,
and when she came out,
she kind of just giggled and,
"Just blow in my ear,
I'll follow you anywhere."
(audience laughing)
- Say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick!
- Goodnight, everybody,
hope you had a good time.
(applause)
- My boyfriend looks
like Omar Sharif.
- That's a coincidence,
so does my wife.
(audience laughing)
- What made the Irish stew?
- It's saw the chandelier.
- Talk about your dumb!
(audience laughing)
- I take my wife
everywhere, everywhere,
but it's no use.
She always finds a way back.
(audience laughing)
- Cookie, cookie.
- Marriage is great.
After work I come home,
find my wife in the kitchen,
the kids outside playing around.
- That's funny, at my
house it's just the opposite.
(audience laughing)
- That's not funny.
- Hey, did you hear what
happened to my wife?
- No.
- Well if you do
hear, let me know.
She's been gone six weeks.
(audience laughing)
- You see where Mayor Daley
got the humanitarian award?
- No.
- Neither did I.
(audience laughing)
- You know what?
Every time I see a
lamp, I unscrew the bulb
and I eat the lamp and
I throw the bulb away.
Now, am I nuts?
- You sure are, the
bulb is the best part!
(audience laughing)
- Well, whatever turns you on.
- Hello.
What's unbridled fear?
- That's what a guy has
right before the wedding.
(hiccups)
- That's not funny.
- Support your local police.
Send a cop to camp.
- How does that grab
you, camp lovers?
- Yes we are on Venus de Milo.
- That's not funny!
By the time I get to Phoenix
I will be first in
- Why don't you have
some chicken soup?
(laughing)
- Did you hear the story
about the guy who married a girl
who was half French
and half Chinese?
- Sure.
He came here one day and
caught you in bed with his shirt.
Sure he did.
- Now, that's funny,
you round-eyed cuckoos!
(audience laughing)
- Harry, are you crazy?
You'll wake my mother!
Besides, the bullet can come
right through there into me.
(bleating)
(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)
(bell dings)
- This program was
pre-recorded earlier
to give our legal staff
time to prepare a defense.
(audience laughing)
- Very interesting,
but tonight, Gunsmoke
was even funnier.
Goodnight, Lucy.
(audience laughing)
(snoring)
(clapping)
(snoring)
- [Narrator] The
following program
is brought to you in
living color on NBC.
- [Announcer] Ladies and
gentlemen, Ms. Lena Horne.
(applause)
- My girdle is killing me.
(audience laughing)
- And now from beautiful
downtown Burbank,
NBC proudly presents
the winner of this year's
Miss Beautiful Burbank contest!
- You shoulda
seen the other guys.
(audience laughing)
(bleating)
- All right, which one
of you mutton heads
is growing cotton?
(audience laughing)
You?
- Harry, you make a mess
in this room and I'll kill ya!
You weirdo!
(energetic music)
(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)
- For those of you
poor unfortunate people
watching in black and white,
you're missing one of
my most beautiful jackets.
(audience laughing)
- You know, a lot of people
ask me why I talk this way.
See, my teeth are wired.
- Speaking of dumb,
I've been asked if I will tell
whether or not this
is a real beauty spot.
The answer is no, I won't tell.
- Here's the big finish, folk!
- Don't make fun
of my gold jacket.
What do you think is
backing the American dollar?
- And now, from the heart of
beautiful downtown Burbank,
famous the world over
for its fruits and nuts,
NBC proudly presents
Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In!
Famous the world over
for its fruits and nuts?
Starring Dan Rowan
and Dick Martin
with guest stars Robert
Folk, Frans Huyan,
and Judy Carne,
Arte Johnson,
with Ruth Buzzi, Henry Gibson,
Goldie Hawn,
Dave Madden, Allen Sues,
Sweet Brother Dick Whittington,
Jo Anne Worley, and
Pigmeat Markham,
Chelsea Brown,
yours truly Gary Owens
and Morgel as
the friendly crowd.
And now, here is the
entertainment portion
of tonight's program.
- [Announcer] Ladies and
gentlemen, Ms. Lena Horne.
(applause)
(audience laughing)
- We all must do
penance here on Earth
and you are no exception.
So here are Dan
Rowan and Dick Martin.
(applause)
(upbeat music)
- Thank you.
- Good evening.
- Hey, you're looking very well.
- Oh, so am I, but
I think he's kind of
put on a little
weight, hasn't he?
- Who?
- Oh, whoever you
were talking about.
- I was talking to you.
- Well, maybe I ought
to go on a diet then.
- You don't have
to go on a diet.
- Well you just said I
was putting on weight!
- No you said
that, I didn't say it.
- Well somebody said it and
there's only two of us here!
- That's true.
- Well (laughs) I see Dick's
as confused as ever. (laughs)
- Hey, maybe if you
got a little more sleep,
it might clear your
head up a little.
- I'm in bed every
night for the news.
- Hundley and Brinkley?
- No, Barbara Cowan.
- Barbara Cowan?
What channel is she on?
- She's my paper boy.
- (laughs) A girl named Barbara
drives by your
house on a bicycle,
throws a newspaper into
your bedroom window,
wakes you up and you read it
and that's how you
get the news in bed?
- Well, if that's the way
you want to put it. (laughs)
- That's the way
I have to put it,
it's the only version
the network will approve.
(audience laughing)
- What network?
- NBC.
- Oh, that network!
- Yes.
It just so happens that
The Rowan & Martin
Laugh-In is on NBC.
- It is?
(audience laughing)
- My favorite show.
- I'm glad you enjoy it.
- I watch it every
Tuesday night.
That Jerry is a riot!
- Jerry.
Jerry is a riot,
I've noticed that.
- (laughing) Dan, wait a minute.
He is so confused!
We better get him
to the party! (laughs)
- That's a good idea.
Why don't you come along, too.
- [Woman] Oh, you silly boy.
(applause)
(energetic music)
- You know, there's
one really good thing
about the South Vietnamese army
and I don't remember what it is.
(audience laughing)
- I know a girl
who just found out
she's been taking
aspirins instead of the pill.
At least she doesn't have
a headache, but I sure do.
(audience laughing)
- Paris is the most
exciting city in the world.
To me, it's the
Burbank of Europe.
(audience laughing)
- I simply quit the
Peace Corps flat
when they assigned
me to Ecuador.
Nobody goes to
Ecuador in October!
(audience laughing)
- Our people have made
great strides in the South lately.
Mostly towards the North.
(audience laughing)
- This is a very
strange country,
the people take
polls to find out
how the elections turn out.
In the old country,
we tell the polls
how the election's
going to turn out.
(audience laughing)
- Last night I had dinner
at a hippie's house.
Of course it was just potluck.
(audience laughing)
- I don't mind
rescheduling holidays
to make longer weekends,
I just don't think Ash Wednesday
should fall on a Monday.
(audience laughing)
- It seems to me we
are living in a world
of compromise and
accommodations.
- Well, if you're
willing to compromise,
I'll see to it that I get
some accommodation.
(audience laughing)
- If you can guess the
number of pennies in my hand,
you can take me home.
- 438,726.
- Close enough.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, the fellas at
San Diego Naval Base
just voted me the
girl they'd most like to,
oh I don't know what it was,
but it sounded
like fun! (laughs)
(audience laughing)
- Well, I don't know why
there should be any question
about capital punishment.
I think everybody in the
capital should be punished.
(audience laughing)
- I hear our Olympic team
has got a 26-foot broad jumper.
- Oh, I'd love to home him.
(audience laughing)
- Personally, I think
working for a 20-mule team
was the best political training
Ronald Reagan could have had.
After all, if you spend that
much time with 20 jackasses,
you ought to be a
natural in politics.
(audience laughing)
(applause)
- Now, here is the
fastest man in the world
who will shoot an
apple off his own head
at a thousand paces.
- Don't hold back, Baron!
I will never relent!
- What about the thumbscrews?
- Well, now you're talking.
(audience laughing)
- Hello, I'm Judy
Carne, your girl on the go
standing here in front of the
International House of Fashion
with two famous designers,
Robin Prect of New York and
Percy Lapady of Hollywood.
Well, what's ahead for us girls?
- Well, I'd say from now on,
the mini skirt and the
macro skirt are through.
My new design raises
the hemlines to here.
- You fool!
You've ruined us all!
I've lowered the
neckline to here.
(audience laughing)
- Have you seen
the weird clothes
men are wearing theses days?
(audience laughing)
- Mercy, mercy, mercy!
- In French that
means thanks. (laughs)
- You're welcome!
I'm just a girl who
can't say n-n-n
(audience laughing)
- It's easy for you to say.
- Go see my new
movie Brotherhood
if you haven't got
anything better to do.
And if you're watching this,
you evidently have
nothing better to do.
- [Announcer]
Stranger Than Truth!
- At the height
of the Civil War,
during the terrible
summer of 1863,
Lance Corporal Craig
Ogelthorp's aged mother
gave him a protective
medallion to wear over his heart.
Corporal Ogelthorp was
wearing that medallion
during the attack at Chickamauga
when an enemy's
sniper shot was heard.
Glancing down, Ogelthorp
saw, much to his amazement,
that the bullet had
indeed been stopped
by the medallion given
to him by his aged mother.
Unfortunately, however,
the bullet had entered
through Corporal
Ogelthorp's back.
(audience laughing)
(buzzing)
- NBC, beautiful
downtown Burbank.
You heard two old jokes used in
the first five
minutes of the show?
Well, stay tuned and
you'll hear lots more!
So sharpen your
pencil, Mr. Burle.
- Now it's time for our
discovery of the week.
(triumphant music)
- Anybody I know?
- Well, better than
that, it's a lady wrestler.
- Right up my alley.
Oh, I love to
wrestle with ladies.
- This lady wrestler
is a sexagenarian.
- Oh, I'll drink to that.
- She is in her 60s.
- Oh, an old sexagenarian, eh?
- You'll love her partner.
- Sure, my place or hers?
- Maybe you better
see her partner first.
Ladies and gentlemen, the
Laugh-In discovery of the week,
Catherine Reeds, lady
wrestler, and her partner.
(applause)
(dramatic music)
- He's a meanie, all right!
- Oh, we got a
little problem there.
Hey, how do you
get an alligator off?
- That's easy, you
just blow in his ear.
He'll follow you anywhere.
- Dummy, you're
thinking of a crocodile.
- Oh, sure.
Gee, I used to
know all that stuff.
(silly music)
- That's really weird, lady.
- Thank you.
(applause)
- How about that?
It sure was wrinkled and lumpy.
- Yeah, so was the alligator.
- You know, Ms.
Reeds and her alligator
flew all the way
here from Florida.
- United?
- No, they crate the alligator.
- Sure, there's another
crate the alligator joke.
(whimsical music)
- The Alligator by Henry Gibson.
(hums)
The alligator is my pal
He could be your pal too
He will if you'll
just understand
That he's got feelings too
He loves to play and swim about
He never sings the blues
You'd like him
better as a friend
Than wearing him as shoes
- Blow in his ear, he'll
follow you anywhere.
(audience laughing)
- Now, friends, if
you will permit me,
I would like to add
a personal note
regarding a challenge
we all face today.
- What's with the personal note?
- It's just something
I feel I have to say.
If you just listen a minute,
maybe you'll learn something.
- Well, I certainly hope so.
- I do too.
Ladies and gentlemen, I
believe the election of 1968
will be the most important
vote you ever cast.
The next president will
face untold decisions,
guarding our destinies from
an office almost too great
for one man to bear.
He must have that certain
indefinable something
that separates
mediocrity from greatness.
History reveals few
men were so qualified.
Churchill had it,
Roosevelt had it,
Washington,
Lincoln, Disreali had it,
today the French like to
think that de Gaulle's got it,
and I like to think
that future historians
will find the man we Americans
elect in this troubled year
that he's got it too.
Forgive me, Dick,
it's just something
that I felt I had to say.
- You're right.
You know, I learned
something too.
- I'm glad to hear that.
- You know what?
- What?
- I think I got it too.
(audience laughing)
- You know what?
I think I got it too.
- You know, I just finished
a picture with John Wayne.
I think I'm getting it too.
You know something?
I think we're all getting
it from John Wayne.
(audience laughing)
I love a piano, I love a piano
- Whatever turns you on, baby.
(bleating)
- Okay, so wool makes you itch.
What do you want
me to do about it?
- Two-rrific!
- No, Frans, say it
like it was one word.
T'rrific!
- Thanks, Goldie.
- Stick with me, I
know all that stuff.
(audience laughing)
- [Announcer] Ladies and
gentlemen, Ms. Lena Horne.
(applause)
(audience laughing)
(bleating)
- Well, I admit, one black
sheep looks like tokenism,
but at least it's a
beginning, isn't it?
- Harry, if you told me
you were going to do this,
I wouldn't have
bothered with dinner!
(energetic music)
(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)
(splashing)
- In my country,
there is a saying
(speaks in foreign language)
which literally translated
becomes, "here come the judge."
- Your Honor, the
testimony of my client
has been misconstrued!
- Hold it, lawyer!
Nobody talks to me like that
when I'm doing my judging!
Get out of here!
- Now I say to you,
weet brothers and sisters,
a clean body and a clean mind.
Take your pick.
- [Narrator] Stupid
question number 67.
- Is there a doctor
in the house?
- Why, is one missing?
- Oh, that Henny Youngman!
- Look, Frans, you
see how easy it is
when you pay attention?
- Tell me, Ms. Ofprey,
what is it that prompts you
to have these
physical examinations?
- Every year at this time,
I like someone
to see the real me.
(audience laughing)
- Erky, perky.
- All right now,
then, Mrs. Calaher,
if you will just go
behind this screen
and remove your clothing.
- Well, all right, doc.
Last one out is a
ninny. (laughing)
- (laughing) It's a no-no!
(laughing) But it's funny!
- Well now, how
does it feel to have
the first transplanted
heart of an eagle?
(gurgling)
(whimsical music)
- I'm getting sick
and tired of those
transplant the heart
of the eagle jokes.
(imitates bird call)
(gurgling)
(gurgling)
(gurgling)
(gurgling)
(imitates bird call)
(whimsical music)
- Crocodile.
- And now, ladies and gentlemen,
it's time for Laugh-In report
with the news of the
past, present and future
as seen by Dan and Dick.
They're the big kids.
(dramatic music)
What's the news
across the nation
We have got the information
In a way, we hope
we'll amuse youse
(laughing)
We just like to
give you our views
La la la la
Ladies and gents,
Laugh-In looks at the news
Here's Double-0-Dan (applause)
- And now with the
news from the present,
here's the man to whom the news
wouldn't be the news
without the news.
Here's Dicky!
(upbeat music)
(applause)
- Cleveland, Ohio.
The National Association of
Manufacturers today denied
that the pollution of
Lake Eerie is caused by
industrial waste from
factories along its shore.
They insist the blame be
put where it truly belongs,
on the lake's 800,000 dead fish.
(audience laughing)
Hollywood, California,
following the trend of
entertainers
going into politics,
it was rumored today
that Audrey Hepburn
plans to run for governor
as soon as she becomes 35.
Estimates are that she has
about seven inches to go.
- Poor baby.
I know just how she must feel.
(audience laughing)
- And now one final
item from Chicago.
The United States
Association of Trainmen today
elected Mayor Daley
railroader of the year.
(audience laughing)
And now, take it away, Goldie!
- And now for you legions
of futuristic fans. (laughs)
It's time for a laugh and
look at the world of tomorrow
as Dan Rowan injects
himself into the year 1988.
Take it away, Dan!
- That's projects, Goldie.
- Take it away, Projects!
(audience laughing)
Lug.
- Terrific.
- New York, 1988.
CBS, NBC and ABC
issued a joint statement today
announcing they will
not cover this year's
presidential campaign.
The head of the FCC praised
the announcement, saying,
"There's too much
violence on TV as it is."
1988, 20 years
from now, Tel Aviv.
Israeli General Moshe
Dayan returned home today
after leading his men in
another successful war
against the Arabs.
It was a tearful reunion,
as the general had not seen
his family in over four hours.
(audience laughing)
- Ooh, and now news of the past.
Laugh-In takes you back
to the Garden of Eden
for proof that maybe you parents
haven't been lying
to your children
as much as you think you have.
(groaning)
- Adam?
- Yeah, honey.
- I'm getting sick and tired of
just the two of us in
this great, big world.
I want to have a baby.
- Well, no more than I do, dear.
- What are you waiting for?
- Well, I, I, I didn't
want you to think
I was getting pushy or anything.
- Maybe you were
just plain scared?
- No, certainly not.
- Then get on with it!
(insect buzzing)
- Okay.
- You got the bee?
- Yep, you got a bird?
(bird chirping)
- I got the bird.
- You think this is gonna work?
- I don't know.
(bee buzzing)
(bird chirping)
It's working!
(audience laughing)
- [Announcer] Now, here's baby!
- Oh!
Look, darling!
Oh, I'm so happy!
He's got your nose!
(audience laughing)
- That's groovy!
- That's the most
beautiful thing I ever heard.
- And now you sport cuckoos,
here is Alan Sues' Sport Scenes.
- Hello all you sports
fans, Big Al here
with the old polo puck.
And a word on harness
racing, boo, bad.
Frankly, I've had it
with harness racing.
Last evening at Hollywood Park,
harness racing
hit its all-time low
when Soldier's Pride,
the leading trotter,
showed its true colors.
Purple, chartreuse.
Criminal, criminal.
- That about wraps it up tonight
for our Laugh-In news report.
- If any of you have
any favorite news items
you'd like to see on the news,
just drop 'em by and we'll
drop 'em in the old mailbag.
- I didn't know we
had an old mail bag.
- Somebody calling me?
(audience laughing)
- Harry, how inconsiderate!
You know the cleaning woman
doesn't come until Wednesday!
She's your favorite!
The whole town knows that.
(whimsical music)
- Beep beep.
- No, no, Frans, that's bipi.
- What's a bipi?
- It's a lot like a bipi.
- Oh, thanks, Goldie.
- I know all that stuff!
(audience laughing)
- We'll be right back.
Meanwhile, don't do
anything I wouldn't do.
- Hello.
- Ah.
(audience laughing)
- Hello.
And now, folks, what
you've all been waiting for,
another commercial.
- Bored!
Yuck!
(energetic music)
- You know, a friend
of mine is afraid to fly
so he took train,
and a terrible thing
happened, a plane fell on it.
(audience laughing)
- My idea of a bad trip
is one that goes through
Mississippi or
Alabama or Georgia.
(audience laughing)
- Plane traffic's really
getting ridiculous.
Last week, I flew to New
York bumper to bumper.
(audience laughing)
- I was gonna fly
to Rio on Branet,
but the planes
clash with my suit.
Clash, clash.
(audience laughing)
- Um, I think the
airlines take a big chance
when they fly
now pay later plan,
um, because if (giggles)
the plane doesn't crash,
how will they collect?
(audience laughing)
- In Russia, they got
a new subway service
to friendly neighbors.
Call it submarine. (laughs)
(audience laughing)
- With new student rates,
college kids can now go
to Europe for half price.
Or, they can go all
the way to Vietnam
just by flunking history.
(audience laughing)
- You know,
if the president really wants
to stimulate travel at home,
why doesn't he just
repeal the Mann Act?
(audience laughing)
- I don't care if the railroad
lets the clergy ride free,
it's still wrong to call
the Lord super chief.
(audience laughing)
- I got stuck on a troop train
from New York to California.
You know, they're right.
Getting there is
half the fun. (laughs)
(audience laughing)
- I just had a fantastic flight.
Breakfast in London,
lunch in Los Angeles
and baggage in Beirut.
(audience laughing)
(applause)
- You know who my favorite
person is on this show?
Me.
(audience laughing)
(bleating)
- Okay, okay, come on, come on,
scatter out, scatter out.
Don't push!
Stop flocking around,
who do you think I
am, Little Boy Peep?
(bleating)
Scatter out.
Come on, now, move, move!
- If sheep stayed
out all day, (giggles)
their wool would come
out in sunny tufts, I think.
(audience laughing)
- Sunny tufts?
- Hey, was that Helmut Dantine?
- No, you beautiful dumb
person, that helmet was German.
(audience laughing)
- Moving right
along musically now,
here's Ina Ray Hutton
and her all-girl orchestra
to pose the musical
question Stout Hearted Men
and put a new
bonnet on sweet Sue.
(audience laughing)
The hills are alive (yelling)
- Hey, you know something?
I think I got it too.
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
- We speak the term naked
as a jaybird without trepidation,
but why do we
invariably speak softly
when we speak of
the spread eagle?
(audience laughing)
- Hey, wait a minute.
I wonder if you'd mind if
I left a little early tonight?
- You got something
special going?
- I guess any time I have a date
to go dancing with
a sailor, it's special.
- (laughs) Dating sailors now?
- This is no ordinary
able-bodied seaman, you know.
- Oh, of course not.
- He's an FBI lady.
- He's an FBI lady.
The FBI using
ladies now as agents?
- I didn't know that.
- Well you just said they do!
- Well, there you are.
- Guess that proves it, then.
- Last week she was
a bartender in Phoenix.
- Sounds keen.
- You should have been there.
Oh, you should have been there.
- Yeah? Why?
- I strolled in the bar,
gave her hand a little squeeze,
blew a kiss into those
big, baby-blue eyes,
right above the fake mustache,
ordered a martini
and when it came,
I found a note in
the olive! (laughs)
- And what did the note say?
- I am not the FBI lady.
- If Dick ever told you
the rest of this story,
you'd cry your heart out.
- Mongoose-es.
(tranquil music)
- Look at that.
Hmm.
(audience laughing)
Who's this?
(audience laughing)
Look at this lump.
(audience laughing)
- [Narrator] Stupid
question number 94.
(doorbell rings)
- Pardon me, does Mr. Studley
Carmichael live here?
- No, it's a meeting of
the (speaks in German).
(triumphant music)
- But seriously,
folks, it's time for the
Flying Fickle Finger
of Fate award.
- Who is the lucky
winner tonight?
- The lucky winner tonight is
the Senate Judiciary Committee.
- Ho ho, what have those
little rascals done this time?
- Well, there was
an obscenity case.
(gasps)
An extremely sexy movie.
- Aha!
Maybe if we leave now,
we could still catch it!
- Oh, it's very serious, Dick.
In their tireless efforts
to protect the moral fibers
of all decent
God-fearing Americans,
some members of the
Senate Judiciary Committee
forced themselves to view
this lewd motion picture.
- They forced themselves!
- Yes.
And then what do
you think they did?
- They watched it again!
- No.
- Poor babies!
- No!
They said it was...
- They ran it backwards!
- I'm gonna tell
you what they did,
they said it was
filthy, pornographic
and shouldn't be seen
by any decent person
and then they watched it again.
- Aha!
- And so, tonight
because of their
fearless and constant vigilance
in shielding us
from these goodies,
our Flying Fickle
Finger of Fate award
goes to the Senate
Judiciary Committee.
- You've certainly
got it coming to you.
- Right.
(audience laughing)
- When are they
gonna show it again?
- Well, gentlemen,
now that you've seen
this filthy, disgusting
pornographic film,
what's your verdict?
- Run it again.
- Backwards this time.
- I should get that
girl a closed session.
- She's the devil
if I ever saw one.
- Aren't you even
a little concerned
about the fact that stag movies
are being run in the Senate?
I think it's shocking.
- Well, maybe that's how
Derkson's hair got that way.
(audience laughing)
- For tonight, Laugh-In
takes to the streets.
- I'll drink to that.
(audience laughing)
- And asks the question,
"What is happening to America
"when dirty films
are being shown
"in the hallowed
halls of Congress?"
- No, I can't make a
decision till I've seen the film
four or five times.
- I hear the film proves
all men are created equal.
But all women aren't.
- Personally, I felt the
lighting and the photography
were quite ordinary,
but the costuming was nothing!
- I spilled popcorn
all over myself.
(audience laughing)
- Very interesting,
but unsanitary.
- And now I'll tell
you the worst part.
- Well, I certainly hope so.
- The same film was shown
to the United States
Supreme Court.
- Hmm.
Here come the judge.
- All right.
Now, they were asked
to rule on its obscenity.
- Oh, what are nine old
guys wearing flowing robes
gonna tell me about obscenity?
(audience laughing)
- So tonight, Laugh-In
puts the question
to the members of
the Supreme Court.
All right, solemn sirs,
what have you got
to say for yourselves?
(cheering)
- Tell it like it
is, Your Honors.
(whimsical music)
Fritters.
- Oh, incidentally, you
ain't seen nothing yet, folk!
(giggles)
- Hello.
- Hello there.
- Would you care
to sack my goody?
(audience laughing)
- You want to try
that again, lady?
- Would you care
to sack my goody?
You know, put it in a sack?
- Oh, you mean bag it!
Put it in a bag!
- Oh, well it may
be bag it to you,
but it's sack it to me!
(gasps)
Ooh!
Sock it to me, sock it to me
Sock it to me, sock it to me
Sock it to me, sock it to me
Sock it to me, sock it to me
Sock it to me, sock it to me
Sock it to me,
sock it to me Sock
(audience laughing)
- Sock it to me!
Sock it to me!
Sock it to me!
Sock it to me!
(audience laughing)
Sock it to me, sock it to me
Sock it to me, sock it to me
Sock it to me, sock it to me
Sock it to me, sock it to me
Sock it to me, sock it to me
Sock it to me, sock it to me
- Sock it to me, sock it to me,
Sock it to me, sock it to me,
Sock it to me!
(speaking in foreign language)
(audience laughing)
- Cut the cake, my darling.
- Yes.
Ha!
- Let's cool it,
nobody will know.
(audience laughing)
- Sock it to me!
Hey, guys, that'll
never catch on.
- You're gonna hang around here?
I thought you
were leaving early.
- I'd rather not talk about it.
- Oh, something about
meeting an FBI girl agent
who's posing as a
sailor or a bartender?
- They found her out.
- Oh, really?
- It was her tailor's fault.
- I don't think I
want to hear about it.
- Yes, something about
a double-breasted suit,
I don't remember...
(audience laughing)
- Very interesting, but.
(audience laughing)
- Marshall McLane,
what are you doing?
(buzzing)
- NBC, beautiful
downtown Burbank.
Madame, would
you spell that for me?
Madame, you're a dirty old lady
and we want you on
the show as a regular.
(audience laughing)
Sandy, wait till you hear this.
- How does it grab you, Sandy?
(audience laughing)
- It is said music have chance
to soothe the savage breast,
but what then of the
nervous belly dancer?
- I don't know, I've
never been out with one.
- Aw, poor baby.
- [Narrator] Stupid
question number 322.
- [Woman] Tell me, George,
is there someone else?
- Cheeks! (laughs)
- And now, Laugh-In
proudly presents
a little bit of everything
they call potpourri.
I don't question their
right to present it,
but proudly?
Whew.
- Every once in a while,
we see a news item
that even we can't top.
For instance, take this
recent UPI dispatch.
"The man called Super Nude
dropped out of sight Thursday,
"much to the relief of
the police and motorists.
"Authorities said that the
man wearing a red cape
"and nothing else"
"sprang from the side of
Interstate 95 Wednesday night
"and startled
several motorists."
Now I ask you,
could you top that?
- Oh look!
There on Route 95!
It's a bird!
It's a plane!
It's Super Nude!
(energetic music)
(audience laughing)
- Well, I'm worried about
my daughter, doctor.
She started to run around
and she's taken to drinking
and martinis with
cherries in them!
- I met this girl at a
cocktail party the other night
and we had a great time
until four in the morning
when she started drinking 17
martinis with cherries in them.
- Doc, I'm really upset.
She's fooling
around, I know that.
Stays up all hours
drinking martini after martini
with cherries in them!
Well, that's not the kind of
behavior I expect from my wife!
- Your wife?
- [Group] Joanne is married?
- Beauty hint number 44.
For the radiant schoolgirl
complexion of a 16-year-old,
try being born in 1952.
(squealing)
- My name is Beverly
Funk! (squeals)
- (laughs) And my name
is Charlotte Wagnall!
(laughs)
(laughing)
- I looked that up
in your. (laughs)
Beverly and Charlotte!
(laughing)
- You know what's
wrong with people today?
I'll tell you what's
wrong with people today,
one word: dope fiends.
They take pills to
sleep, pills to wake up,
pills to get them into trouble,
pills to get them
out of trouble.
The problem is life
has them scared stiff.
'Cause if they
weren't scared stiff,
they wouldn't go around
putting all that poison
in their systems, right pal?
- I'll drink to that.
(audience laughing)
- As many of you know,
playwright Tennessee Williams
disappeared some weeks ago.
Luckily, he turned
up safe and sound.
And tonight, we have with
us the man who found him.
Tell me, sir, how did
you find Mr. Williams?
- Absolutely enchanting.
(audience laughing)
- Now once more, the
unforgettable dancing foot
of Peg Leg Bates.
- And now, here's
Toulouse Lautrec to sing
I'm Looking Over
a Four-Leaf Clover.
(audience laughing)
- And now here's Vincent
van Gogh to sing the title song
from Lend an Ear.
- Now here's
George Jestle to sing
Thank Heaven for Little Girls.
- And now here's
Jim Brown to sing
Throw Mama From the Train.
Kiss, kiss!
- And now here's
William F. Buckley to sing
Supercalifragilistic,
expialidocious.
- Look that up in your
Funk and Wagnall.
(audience laughing)
- I can't find William F.
Buckley in my Funk and Wagnall!
- Ladies and gentlemen,
Ms. Lena Horne
doing one of her great numbers.
(applause)
- 83.
(audience laughing)
(energetic music)
- I see it's time once again.
- You better believe it.
- You didn't let me finish.
- Finish what?
- Finish telling them what
it's once again time for.
- Well, it's almost
too late for that.
- For what?
- For whatever it was you were
gonna tell them a minute ago.
- It's time for our salute
to the fourth estate.
- Well, lets' sock it to 'em!
- We are gathered here to
honor all the courageous newsmen
who honestly and
objectively report the news
as they see it.
- That's what they
like you to believe.
- Hey, pal, it's time
for an attitude check.
- I see.
- You see what?
- I see it's time for Laugh-In's
salute to the fourth estate!
- Well and nobly said, sir.
- Okay, all right now.
Come on, we came down here
to get a protest demonstration.
Let's get it on!
Come on, Marty, bring
in the extras, will ya?
Yeah, that's good.
(audience laughing)
We want to get on
the seven o'clock news.
You're gonna have
to have a real cause.
Where are the writers?
Fellas, come here.
- Fire the president!
- Right.
- A new footballs stadium!
- Yeah.
- We don't even
have a football team.
- Well, that's it,
there's your cause.
Now, give me a couple of
slogans for the protest signs.
- Football power!
- Right.
- Harvard Tech wants a team!
- Beautiful.
- Kick off!
- Make Saturday a fun day!
- Made, oy, yeah.
Take that over the
protest sign department,
will ya, fellas?
Make-up, come in and
dirty 'em down a little, will ya?
Get a little blood on
him, make it like Chicago.
All right now, everybody,
adjusting for a voice level.
Let's hear it now,
police brutality.
- [Group] Police brutality!
(yelling)
- Hey, hold it!
You, you and you in the
back with the square, out!
And you with the
tie, what is that?
Get out of here.
- You can't do that!
You kicked out all
the real students!
- I'm sorry, kid, but
that's show business.
(energetic music)
- Laugh-In salutes those
dedicated television newsmen
whose prime
consideration is that
the public shall be informed,
regardless of the circumstances.
- Bill Stork, WXBTV News
here, with a on-the-spot story.
- (gasps) Oh no!
(crying)
- Tell me, madame, do you
have any plans for remarrying?
- Oh!
(energetic music)
- Hello, ladies and gentlemen.
Here's another
draft card burner.
- What do you mean draft card?
This is my diner's card.
(audience laughing)
- What's that got
to do with Vietnam?
- How should I know?
I never ate there.
(audience laughing)
- You're really weird, Arte.
(energetic music)
- Chief!
- Yeah.
- I got the biggest
story of the year!
- Great, let's hear it.
- Get this,
Schenectady, New York.
Police today
uncovered a vast cache
of weapons and ammunition
in the upstate home of multi-
millionaire J. David Tibet.
Huh?
Mr. Tibet owns the Hudson
River Bank of Commerce.
The weapons were hidden
in a dozen wine barrels.
Police believe the presence
of six cars and armored trucks
indicate a major insurrection.
Mildred Watson,
Mr. Tibet's maid,
was responsible for
uncovering the plot
and will be rewarded
for civic responsibility.
- Hmm, sounds good.
Yeah, that's great.
Wait a minute, hold it.
I don't want to
mention Schenectady.
The Mrs. and I have got a
summer cottage up there,
we don't want to hurt
the property values
and we can't mention Tibet's
bank, he runs ads with us.
The thing about
the wine barrels,
now, that's a little sticky.
See, my wife's uncle's
got a winery in California,
it could be bad for business.
The cars and trucks are out.
The paper's shipped by
truck, the owner drives a car,
let's keep them out of it.
Major insurrection, see, I
don't want to get the army upset,
let's kill this major.
This part is okay down here.
Hooligan.
Hooligan! Hold the front page.
Got a great story.
Headline: beloved
millionaire's maid
wins good citizen award.
(audience laughing)
(band music)
We proudly hail
the fourth estate
State our rate
So what could make you saturate
Preventing the
fourth estate, hey
First estates are not so hot
The second estate is really rot
The third estate just hasn't got
The charm of the
fourth estate Dumb extra
Read all about it,
it only costs dime
Extra
Read about all the
violence and crime
The burnings and looting,
the riots and shootings
The murderers Just a dime
Let's hear it for
the newsy group
Who probably
killed to get the poop
Who gets the dirt
And make the scoop
And try to communicate
The double entendre,
novel and slander
Fabulous fourth estate
- Everybody needs newspapers!
Did you ever try to wrap
your garbage in the radio?
(audience laughing)
- Well, look at it this way.
If the paper
didn't use all those
tons and tons of newsprint,
America would be
overrun with trees.
(audience laughing)
- 20 years ago there were
twice as many newspapers
as there are today.
That means we're
only half as confused
as we used to be.
(audience laughing)
- Well, say what you will.
You can't beat newspapers
for election coverage.
Well.
(audience laughing)
Extra, read all about it
A man just bit a dog
woof woof woof woof.
- What I like is that seven
days a week, 365 days a year,
rain or shine, there's
your paper up on the roof.
- I don't see
anything wrong with
the TV publicizing
the rioting and looting.
How else would you
know where the action is?
Let's hear it for
the fourth estate
That very bizarre and
commentate (laughing)
- Now here's something
you can't argue with,
a hard-hitting editorial
on violence and
nudity in the movies.
You'll find it right
here on page two
between the panty girdle ad
and the trunk murder photograph.
(audience laughing)
Extra, read all about it,
they're telling it like it is
Extra, no doubt about
it, they're giving us the biz
They stretch it and bundle it
They color it and mend it
To tell it the way it is
The Burbank Bugle leads the way
For banquets with
nothing much to say
It's out a week from Saturday
Unless it's a little late
But everyone needs
and thoroughly reads
The fabulous fourth estate
Let's give them a cheer
and hearty hear hear
The fabulous fourth estate
Extra, read all about it
The fabulous fourth
estate (applause)
- How's that grab
you, music lovers?
(audience laughing)
- Here comes that
fakakta judge again.
(audience laughing)
- But Your Honor, there's
no precedent in this case.
- No?
I don't need no president
and I don't need
no vice president.
Guilty!
Get out of here!
(audience laughing)
(bleating)
- I knew I should have
looked for the Sanforized label.
Well, your fleece
is white as snow.
You satisfied, shrinko?
- Monday, you don't
want to do anything,
Tuesday, you don't
want to do anything.
The minute I go to a movie,
voila, doing something!
(audience laughing)
(energetic music)
(audience laughing)
- If we cannot remove
the leap from the frog,
the jump from the lizard,
what can we expect of
the poor horned toad?
- Clock.
- Well, I guess it's time
to say goodnight, Dick.
- (Clears throat)
Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Hey, who's Dick?
- Goodnight, Lucy.
- Don't forget to
watch next week.
Hey, we got a show
that'll blow your mind.
There are people...
- I wonder if you would
mind if I said something
my aunt once said to me.
- You know, I'd really
be fascinated to hear it,
but there just
isn't enough time.
Next week, we have...
- She was caught in a
grass fire in Topeka, Kansas
with 14 Norwegian bell ringers.
(audience laughing)
- Mercy, mercy.
- Well, it hit all the
magazines, big ones, yeah.
- Oh, I would
imagine somebody...
- I thought perhaps
what she said
when she came
running out of the fire
would be of
interest to the folks.
- You got me on tenterhooks.
- Well, as she came
out of the fire, you know,
and she was there with
14 Norwegian bell ringers,
and when she came out,
she kind of just giggled and,
"Just blow in my ear,
I'll follow you anywhere."
(audience laughing)
- Say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick!
- Goodnight, everybody,
hope you had a good time.
(applause)
- My boyfriend looks
like Omar Sharif.
- That's a coincidence,
so does my wife.
(audience laughing)
- What made the Irish stew?
- It's saw the chandelier.
- Talk about your dumb!
(audience laughing)
- I take my wife
everywhere, everywhere,
but it's no use.
She always finds a way back.
(audience laughing)
- Cookie, cookie.
- Marriage is great.
After work I come home,
find my wife in the kitchen,
the kids outside playing around.
- That's funny, at my
house it's just the opposite.
(audience laughing)
- That's not funny.
- Hey, did you hear what
happened to my wife?
- No.
- Well if you do
hear, let me know.
She's been gone six weeks.
(audience laughing)
- You see where Mayor Daley
got the humanitarian award?
- No.
- Neither did I.
(audience laughing)
- You know what?
Every time I see a
lamp, I unscrew the bulb
and I eat the lamp and
I throw the bulb away.
Now, am I nuts?
- You sure are, the
bulb is the best part!
(audience laughing)
- Well, whatever turns you on.
- Hello.
What's unbridled fear?
- That's what a guy has
right before the wedding.
(hiccups)
- That's not funny.
- Support your local police.
Send a cop to camp.
- How does that grab
you, camp lovers?
- Yes we are on Venus de Milo.
- That's not funny!
By the time I get to Phoenix
I will be first in
- Why don't you have
some chicken soup?
(laughing)
- Did you hear the story
about the guy who married a girl
who was half French
and half Chinese?
- Sure.
He came here one day and
caught you in bed with his shirt.
Sure he did.
- Now, that's funny,
you round-eyed cuckoos!
(audience laughing)
- Harry, are you crazy?
You'll wake my mother!
Besides, the bullet can come
right through there into me.
(bleating)
(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)
(bell dings)
- This program was
pre-recorded earlier
to give our legal staff
time to prepare a defense.
(audience laughing)
- Very interesting,
but tonight, Gunsmoke
was even funnier.
Goodnight, Lucy.
(audience laughing)
(snoring)
(clapping)
(snoring)