Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 2, Episode 2 - Episode #2.2 - full transcript

(exciting instrumental music)

- [Announcer] The following
program is brought to you

in living color on NBC.

- Hey Herb.

We're real excited
you're doing the show.

We're all dying to hear
you play the trumpet.

So, go on.

Sock it to me.

Go on.

(screams)

Oh, it's not nice, Herb.



- And now, from beautiful
downtown Burbank.

The fun capital of the
Sin Fernando Valley,

it's time for Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In.

- I regret but I only
have one transmission

to give for my country.

(laughter)

- One thing you gotta
say for Mama Kabua,

she really knows how
to stack her dishes.

(laughter)

- Hi, I'm Ralph Williams,

(garbles) I'm a ding-a-ling.

- I knew I should've
watched the show

before I agreed to be on it.

(upbeat comic music)



(foghorn blowing)

(laughter)

- Now Josie, just
remember, the game starts

with the white man moving first.

- That figures.

(upbeat comic music)

(laughter)

(ringing)

- Death row.

Oh, it's Governor Reagan.

He wants to know if you
signed the recall petition.

(laughter)

- Which way is the
Trust Department?

(laughter)

Way down upon the Swanee River

Far far away

- And there he
is, folks, Tiny Tom.

(laughter)

- Shh.

(laughter)

And now, from the beautiful
downtown Burbank motel

here in beautiful
downtown Burbank,

NBC presents Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In

starring Dan Rowan
and Dick Martin.

With guest star Eve
Arden and Judy Carne,

Arte Johnson, with Ruth Buzzi,

Henry Gibson, Goldie
Hawn, Dave Madden,

Alan Sues, Sweet
Brother Dick Whittington,

Jo Anne Worley, and
Pigmeat Markham,

the fun couple, Mitzi
McCall and Charlie Brill,

Chelsea Brown, yours
truly, Gary Owens,

and Morgul as
the friendly Drelb.

- In case you haven't heard,

John Wayne will not be
on the Laugh-In this year.

- Anything you'd
care to add to that?

(horse neighing)

(audience laughing)

Now, here are the good guys.

The stars of Laugh-In.

A real odd couple,

Dan Rowan and the
dastardly Dick Martin.

(playful music)

(one person clapping)

- Wee.

- Oh, thank you very much.

Good evening.

Certainly hope you're all
going to enjoy this hour.

- As much as we've
enjoyed bringing it to you.

(laughter)

- It's precisely that kind
of remark that makes me

think, you know, I haven't
seen much of you this week.

- Well, you probably
didn't recognize me.

You see, I bought
myself a face mask.

- Face mask?

- Yeah.

- Now, tell me truly sir,

why would you do that?

- Well, I've been
having so much trouble

with autograph hounds,

I thought I'd buy me a face
mask to disguise myself.

- I suppose that might work.

Get you a little privacy.

- Oh, it doesn't work.

People still hound me.

- Maybe it's the mask.

What does it look like?

- President Johnson.

(laughter)

- And, they still bother you?

- Hound, hound,
hound, hound, hound.

- Isn't that odd.

- Have you ever tried to sleep
with four secret servicemen?

- No, I can't say I have.

- Those badges are murder.

Wee.

(laughter)

- I really don't
wanna hear about it.

- Sure peps up
the shower, though.

(laughter)

- I'll bet it does.

- You have the feeling
we've been interrupted?

- Well, this is a
party line, isn't it?

- Cleaver.
- Clever.

- Clever.

Yeah, sure is.

Sneaky way to
bring up the party.

- Oh, that's right, the party.

Shall we?
- Surely.

- Shall we?
- Surely, shall we, surely.

- Shall we.

- After you.

(speaking in foreign language)

- You're invited, too.

- Why don't we invite them.
- Why not?

(applause) (upbeat music)

- I don't think it's fair
calling Lyndon Johnson

a lame-duck president.

He can't help it if
he walks that way.

(laughter) (upbeat music)

- If all they do in India is
meditate and contemplate,

how come the population's
always increasing?

(laughter)

- By the way, did
you happen to watch

The Mothers-In-Law last night?

- No.

You know, I always seem
to be working when that's on,

but I hear it's fantastic.

(laughter) (upbeat music)

Don't touch the
contrast now, folks.

I'm colored.

(laughter)

- You know, I don't mind
a few drinks after hours.

After hours, let's drink theirs.

(laughter) (upbeat music)

- I think the bishop
is getting too liberal.

I see no reason
to advise my flock

of their constitutional
rights before confession.

(laughter) (upbeat music)

- I met the most divine
man at a party last week,

but he's married.

So, I guess I'll have
to wait a few months.

Ha-ha-ha-ha.

(laughter) (upbeat music)

- America is fantastic country
where all people hip cats

and old people
creation-ated equal

except in some states.

(laughter) (upbeat music)

(heavy dancing feet)

- I don't mind sleeping
alone every night.

It's getting up alone every
morning that really bugs me.

- Well, if General de
Gaulle is good for France,

and General Franco
is good for Spain,

what do you think is
good for the United States?

- General Motors.

(laughter) (upbeat music)

- Oh, you should've been in
my neighborhood last night.

We had a grass fire.

You would've loved it.

(laughter) (upbeat music)

- Hey Dave. (laughing)

Did you hear the
one about the...

(laughter)

(laughter) (upbeat music)

- They say that a woman
looks at her hand like this,

and a guy looks
at his hand like,

good heavens,
I've got a hang nail.

(laughter) (upbeat music)

- Have you seen any of the
shows on television this week?

- No, this is the
weakest one I've seen.

(laughter) (upbeat music)

- [Gary] Ladies and gentlemen,

Mr. Herb Alpert.

(applause)

(trumpet blowing)

- [Announcer]
Stranger than Truth.

- Mr. And Mrs. Maynard
Caldwell of Albany, New York

were married in 1951 and
honeymooned at Niagara Falls,

where Mrs. Caldwell accidentally
dropped her wedding ring

into the raging torrent.

17 years later to the day,
Mr. Caldwell was fishing

in a small dory off Goat
Island in the Niagara River,

and hooked a large suck-eye
salmon just above the falls.

On opening the fish,
Mr. Caldwell's eye

caught the brilliant
glitter of shining metal

embedded in the fish.

Uttering a joyful cry,
he plunged his hand

toward the bright
metallic object.

It was a fish hook and he
ran it right through his thumb.

(laughter)

- [Announcer] This has
been Stranger than Truth.

- Gee, that has
such a nice ring to it.

(laughter)

- Goldie Hawn is glamorous,
but she's kinda D-U-M-B-E.

- (giggles) Wrong.

- Speaking of airplanes.

Now, it's time for our
Laugh-In discovery of the week.

(instrumental music)

- That was it?

- Oh, no.

No, we discovered
them last week.

- Oh.

- No, this week we
really have a goody for...

- I'll just bet you have.

- Yes sir.

He's the choir
director of the beautiful

downtown Burbank glee club.

- That's a little like
being the shoe shine boy

in a nudist camp.

(laughter)

- Better than that.

Here's Laugh-In's
discovery of the week.

Now, I don't want
you to miss any of this.

So, you stay right
where you are.

Ladies and gentleman,

the choir director
of the beautiful

downtown Burbank glee club.

(applause)

(laughter)

(humming)

(beatboxing)

(humming)

(laughter)

- Honey, they're falling.

(humming)

(laughter)

(humming and beatboxing)

(applause)

- Woo.
- Well?

- That about
sums it up, I guess.

(laughter)

- Now, that he's been
exposed on national TV,

don't you think
he'll fly to stardom?

- Fly?

He hasn't touched
ground in three years.

(laughter)

I've never saw such
a person up there.

He makes Timothy Leary
look like a groundhog.

- Timothy Leary
is not a good guy.

- I just want you to know

that basically I'm an
intellectual stand-up comic.

- You think they're crazy?

You're watchin'.

- Moving right along now,
it's time to go down the street,

and up your block to
visit with Charlie and Mitzi,

the fun couple.

(laughter)

- You know something Mitzi,
I'm gonna tell you something.

- What?
- I know why I'm a failure.

- Why?

- Important men
don't wear glasses.

- Oh. If I had contact lenses,

I'd be something.

- Of course.

Let me see, sweetheart.

Take off the glasses.

Oh!

What were we thinking?

- Yeah?

- Is that a face?

- Well, go ahead.

- Is that gorgeous?
- I told ya.

- Why would you
ever wanna wear...

You are the most hideous
man I have ever seen.

- Guide my hand...

- Don't ever take
off your glasses...

- Into her throat.

- Oh sure, hit me.

That's the main thing.

- Oh, well I wasn't...
- No, hit a woman with glasses

that's the thing to hit me for.

- I was only making...
- Fact, if you don't hit me,

I'm gonna hit you.

- I would've hit her.

She didn't give me a chance.

(laughter)

- That's just not working.

- My name is Patrick Wayne.

I'm John Wayne's son.

Dad asked me to tell
you he's not coming

on the show this year.

Now, it's nothing personal.

Dad just figures with all
these cuckoos running around,

somebody might get carried away

and try to sock it to him.

That's something you just
don't do to us Waynes...

(loud crash)

(laughter)

- That's no way to
treat John Wayne's son.

- Are you kidding?

If John Wayne
were here right now,

I'd drop him, too.

- Sure you would.

- What could he do?

- I'll sock it to you.

- Alright, sweet
brothers and sisters.

It is time for us to
clear our sinuses.

Are you ready?

Hubert Humphrey.

(audience laughing)

- Oh my.

- And now, before proceeding
with the entertainment portion

of this program,

here is the bosso
profundo of the beautiful

downtown Burbank opera company,

the lovely and talented
Emma Humphu.

Come on let's merry go Merry go

Merry go round Boop
boop boop Merry go

Merry go Merry go
round I say let's go

- Come with me.

You're really beautiful.

I wanna talk... (laughter)

- That Gladys could
be very popular

if she'd just get over
the delusion she's a girl.

- Roses are red,
violets are blue,

hear come da judge,
he gonna get you.

(laughter)

- Good morning, good
morning, good morning.

The judge is evil this morning.

Everybody gonna
do some time today.

(laughter)

Don't worry 'bout a
thing because I don't take

no bribe from nowhere.

You understand that, don't ya?

- Well, if you don't
take any bribes,

how come you have two Cadillacs,

a house at the
beach, and a yacht?

- Because I'm very, very frugal.

(laughter)

(giggling)
- Sisters, sisters.

Sister fairies, I
called this meeting

because we have a problem.

We simply have to
change our name.

(laughter)

- Sister fairy?

- Yes, sister Goldie fairy.

- (giggles) Well,
if we don't want

to call ourselves
sister fairies,

why don't we call
ourselves brother fairies?

- Oh, that's the dearest
little thing I've ever heard.

(giggling)

- Yes, it's dear,
but it's really dumb.

Goldie fairy, you're dumb.

(laughter)

- Hey, did ya' see this
week's copy of Look?

- No, is that it?

- Yeah, we're on the cover.

- Oh, you dumbie.

You don't have a mustache.

- I didn't know that.

(screams)

(playful music)

(duck call)

(audience laughing)

- That's another
chicken joke, how rude.

- Which reminds me of
the tale of the Mahowt

and the strange and wonderful
things he taught the elephant

to do with the coconuts.

- Are those marbles
the Maharishi is wearing

around his neck?

- No, those are beads.

He lost his marbles
a long time ago.

- How does that
grab you guru lovers?

- That looks good, waiter.

I'll have what she's having.

- There you go.

(laughter)

- It's the only one we've got.

(audience laughing)

(percussion crescendo)

(comic instrumental music)

- Ca-Ca.

- Hey, that's a
nice looking tie.

- You like that?

It's a gift from a lady.

- No kidding, which one?

- The one I'm wearing
around my neck.

(laughter)

- I mean which lady?

- The one I wore around
my neck last night.

(laughter)

- Boy, that Dick really swings.

(laughter)

- Dick is a crazy man.

Or maybe it's Dan.

To be truthful, I never
could tell which is which.

But then, they all
look alike to me.

(laughter)

(show tune instrumental music)

Go go go you titans of the turf

Go crashing down that field

Make them feel your
muscles as you smash them

Make them cry a lot when
you go in and crash them

Oh cheer cheer cheer
Huddle huddle huddle

Crush them on that field

You're a roaring mob
Being led by a slob

You're my favorite team

- Put on your old gray bonnet
with the blue ribbon on it

'cause the judge has got a
summons and your name's on it.

(laughter)

- Now, you accuse this
man of cheating at poker.

Can you constatuate
that with proof?

- Yes, I can, Judge.

- How?
- He come up with four aces,

but I know I dealt
him three queens.

(laughter)

(horn honking)

(ringing)

- Death row.

Oh, it's Officer Murray.

He wants to know if you'd
like 10 free samba lessons.

(laughter)

- What scares me
is one job like this

could ruin a girl's
image for life.

Look, and Captain Billywizbang.

(audience laughing)

(playful music)

- Why I Like the
Lizard, by Henry Gibson.

I like the lizard because
he is always so interested

in the welfare of others.

Well, take for example, the fly.

Which he does. (gulps)

(audience laughing)

- How does that
grab you fly lovers?

- Which reminds me of the
strange and wondrous things

the dancing maiden did
with the shah's turban.

(audience laughing)

- Funny, he doesn't
look guru-ish.

(audience laughing)

(jazzy piano music)

I was born in a
trunk In the princes

- Now, that tickles my fancy.

- (Giggles) Ta-Da.

(switchboard line buzzing)

- NBC, beautiful
downtown Burbank.

Yes, we know you
have a hit record,

but let's face it
Senator Dirkson,

you're no Tiny Tim.

(laughter)

- Speaking of the phone company.

Tonight, Laugh-In
salutes old mother Bell.

(groovy instrumental music)

Well, as that fella just said,

tonight we salute
the phone company.

- Means nothing to
me, I never use them.

- You probably have
phones all over your house.

- Not one.

- Now Dick, I've been in your
house and I happen to know

you have a princess
in your bedroom.

- Sure, but no phone.

(laughter)

- How can you speak lightly
of the telephone company?

It's a phone company that
unites people all over America.

- I didn't know that.

- Why of course,
you've seen those ads.

Make someone happy
tonight, pick up a phone.

- I make someone
happy every night,

and I don't pick up any phones.

(audience laughing)

- I don't wanna hear about it.

- Direct dial
Dick, they call me.

- Is that what they call you?

Well, despite what's his name,

tonight Laugh-In salutes
the phone company.

Nothing in our country affects
the lives of so many of us.

- Show me.

- Alright, I will.

(audience laughing)

(rotary phone dialing)

(audience laughing)

- Would you get me
an outside line, please?

(audience laughing)

(groovy instrumental music)

- Is this the business office?

Well listen, I'm
going out of my mind.

All day long, I keep getting
calls for Abe Lastfogle.

Can you change my number?

- [Woman On Phone] No, but
maybe we could change your name.

(laughter)

- Operator, my
name's Abe Lastfogle.

How come I never
get any phone calls?

(audience laughing)

- Abe Lastfogle?

- Look that up in your
Funk and Wagnalls.

(audience laughing)

(groovy instrumental music)

- The phone company has a new
service for working women now.

You can have your phone
plugged into your stove,

so that you can leave a roast
in the oven in the morning

and then, call
home that afternoon

and tell your stove
when to start cooking.

Watch.

Hello, stove, is that you?

- [Woman On Phone]
I'm sorry, the stove is out,

this is the refrigerator,
may I take a message?

(laughter)

- Very interesting.

But silly, stupid, dumb.

(audience laughing)

(groovy instrumental music)

- Well now, are you
beginning to realize

how many different roles
a telephone company plays

in our daily lives?

- I'm really impressed.

- I thought you would be,
but you know the sad part?

- Sure, the bill at
the end of the month.

- No, no.

It's all the people
who are trying to cheat

the telephone company.

- I'll drink to that.

- It's just amazing
the number of ways

they can think of to do it.

- Now, I can't believe
any one would try to cheat

old mother Bell.

- Oh yes.

Well, you just listen to me.

I'm afraid they've
found all kinds of ways.

- Yeah, show me one.

- I'll just give
you for instance.

- [Woman On Phone]
That will be $1.25, please.

- Yeah, okay, here goes.

(bell ringing)

- [Woman On Phone]
I'm sorry, you put in

one quarter too much.

- That's okay, operator.

You can send me the stamps.

(audience laughing)

- Certainly shocks
you, don't it?

- Certainly does.

Speaking of shocks, here's
something that shocked me.

- What's that?

- Imagine a guy losing that.

- Howard Hughes credit card.

Where did you get that?

- I found it.

Hey Howie, if you're
watching, better take this down,

and don't tell anyone 'cause
you know what could happen.

- Hey, give me that.

- No sir, nobody gets this
number but 'ol Howie himself.

(audience laughing)

- You ever see a telephone pole?

Hello, hello?

(audience laughing)

Sing ring ring a
ling Ting ting a ling

Jing jing a ling buzz

For mother Bell
and her ding a lings

She makes all our
countrysides pretty to see

With wires and poles from
her telephone company

Ring ring a ling
Ting ting a ling

Jing jing a ling buzz

She's such a happy facility

So put all your money
on old tell and tell

And on mother Bell

A phone's come in
colors all pastel and pretty

But most of their
numbers are terribly dirty

Those new messy units
are too dumb to mention

And why won't she give
me a longer extension

Sing ring a ling
Ting ting a ling

Jing jing a ling buzz

For mother Bell
and her ding a lings

We call up our neighbors
and find it's a toll

There's always some
lineman a climbing the pole

But like it or not we
are under the spell

Of our mother
There ain't no other

like mother Bell

Sing ring ring a
ling Ting ting a ling

Jing jing a ling
Click, buzz, beep

What a nutty utility
No matter the riches

Or treasures you own
You'll never be able

To own your own telephone

- The phone company
can't help it if they don't have

any competition to
keep them on their toes.

- Come on now, be nice.

Don't walk across your
phone bill in golf shoes.

You'd drive the computers crazy.

(audience laughing)

Ring ring a ling
Ting ting a ling

Jing jing a ling Buzz

- Well, I'll say this for
the phone company,

they have naturally curly cords.

(audience laughing)

- Personally, I think the phone
company's just marvelous.

Now, I just called
my mother in Indiana

to wish her a
happy Thanksgiving.

- Thanksgiving's
two months away.

- I know my
sweet, short darling,

but have you ever tried to
place a call on Thanksgiving?

You know how
those lines are busy.

- What I like are
the standard rates.

You get your phone bill

and a call from Los
Angeles to London

is only $12.50, whether
you made it or not.

(audience laughing)

Ring ring a ling
Ting ting a ling

Jing jing a ling Buzz

- Oh, they're right, ya know?

The phone service
is faster than airmail,

but then, what isn't?

- One thing is for certain.

Rain or shine, work or strike,

there's never a delay in
sending out your phone bill.

- What about the buffalo?

Ring ring a ling
Ting ting a ling

Jing jing a ling
Tra la la la buzz

Mother bell and her ding a ling

We push all her buttons
and dial all her dials

Drop slots in her coin
slots with tight little smiles

She's opening branches
in heaven and hell

She's mother
There ain't no other

Like mother We'd like
to smother Our mother

- We don't care
if it is a hospital.

Pay the bill or the phone's
coming out in the morning.

Mother Bell

(applause)

(comic music)

- Ding a ling.

(laughter)

- We will be right
back and you will like it.

(audience laughing)

- And now, here's
another commercial.

Really getting bored with
them, you guys, really bored.

(groovy instrumental music)

- My aunt and uncle got
married on the Ile De France

by the ship's captain.

- Oh, that's nothing.

My sister was married
in a hotel in Burbank

by the bell captain.

(groovy instrumental music)

- It's true that marriages
are made in heaven.

Unfortunately, divorces
are available locally.

(groovy instrumental music)

- My girlfriend is planning
a nice quiet wedding.

Her father is putting a
silencer on the shotgun.

(groovy instrumental music)

- Here's one way we
could lower the divorce rate.

Instead of a marriage license,

we issue a 30 day
learner's permit.

(audience laughing)

(groovy instrumental music)

- My roommate is planning
a semi-religious wedding.

Her and her fiance are
swapping love beads

in front of Charlton
Heston's house.

(groovy instrumental music)

- I don't care about
quickie divorces.

What I need is a
quickie anything.

(laughter)

(groovy instrumental music)

- In my country, you
have it wedding party

invited family, friends,
12 commissars,

six tractors, and goat.

And everybody drink it vodka

(speaking in foreign language)

and the last one sober
gets to go home on the goat.

(audience laughing)
(groovy instrumental music)

- Actually, marriage is a union,

but then, so are the teamsters.

(groovy instrumental music)

- If the bride wears
white for purity.

How come the groom wears black?

(groovy instrumental music)

(audience applause)

If Felicia Far married Adam
West, she'd be Felicia Far West.

(audience laughing)

If Arlene Doll
married Elroy Face,

I'd be Arlene Doll Face.

(audience laughing)

If Ivy Baker Priest
married Bobby Baker,

she'd be Ivy Baker Baker.

(audience laughing)

But that would never
happen because priests

aren't allowed to marry.

- And lest we forget, folks,

if Princess Lee Radziwill
married Lee Marvin,

she'd be Princess Lee Marvin.

(audience laughing)

(audience laughing)

- NBC, beautiful
downtown Burbank.

Oh, come on now.

I know some of the
jokes are recognizable,

but stolen from you?

You're joking, Mr. Bill.

- The most fun I ever had?

I can't tell you about it.

- Mitzi?

- Oh, here come the nudge.

- I got your nose.

- You got my nose.

That's cute.

I got your neck.

(audience laughing)

- Hey, you know something?

I think I've got it.

- There's a lot of
that going around.

- I didn't know that.

- Now, we come to
that portion of Laugh-In

where we present potpourri.

- Yes, sir.

Let's hear it for potpourri,
bring him out here.

- What do you mean
let's bring him out here?

- Just trying to whip
up a little enthusiasm

for the next act.

- Well, for your information,
Potpourri happens to be

not a performer, but a
heterogeneous admixture

of fact and fiction.

- You're bringing back Tiny Tim?

(laughter)

- Potpourri is odds and ends.

- Yeah, let's hear
it for Tiny Tim.

- Please, I gotta
have those pills.

- That's impossible.

Not without a prescription.

- I don't know any doctors.

How can I get the pills?

- Only at gunpoint.

- Don't be silly, where
would I get a gun?

- Oh, well now
that I can sell you.

Shoots real bullets.

- Tented like a T-I-S, tis.

- Have you tried to really
talk to anyone lately?

Have you noticed no one listens?

That's 'cause they're too
busy talking to themselves.

Well, I have a friend I
can talk to and he listens.

I'd like you to meet him.

Hello, Rock?

Rock, how are you?

See, he listens.

(laughter)

You're a real friend,
aren't you, Rock?

Rock?

Rock, what's the matter?

Rock, did I say
something to offend you?

(laughter)

Rock, Rock, are
you in there, Rock?

Ah, I see.

You're just like
the rest of them.

You don't want a friend.

Well, see if I care.

Hello, Chair?

Wanna be my friend?

(audience laughing)

- Very interesting, right?

How dare you leave me
when I'm talking to you,

you dumb cannon stupid.

(audience laughing)

- [Gary] This was beautiful
downtown Burbank.

- Although, it is not
generally known,

history records that
beautiful downtown Burbank

has led the way in many
aspects of city planning.

For instance, on this very spot,

Burbank's first vacant lot was
constructed in the year 1877.

The idea caught on
and vacant lots sprang up

all over beautiful
downtown Burbank.

Until today in Burbank,
there are vacant lots

as far as the eye can see.

(audience laughing)

But, none will ever hold
the place in our hearts

that belongs to
the first vacant lot.

And so it stands
today, a memorial

to the proud heritage
of a proud city.

(audience laughing)

- [Gary] This is beautiful
downtown Burbank.

Merry go round Boop
boop boop Merry go

Merry go Merry go
round Boop boop boop

Me and you can go merry go round

(noisemaker whistles
(audience laughing)

- That's a no-no.

- No, it's a new new.

- That's a new no-no.

- It's a nnn...
Nnnnnn... Nnnnnnnnn...

- Sure that's easy
for her to say.

- Now, how does that
grab you no-no lovers?

- No, Goldie, new new lovers.

- And now, for your
listening pleasure.

Here is the lovely
David Talbot to sing

No No Nanette.

(audience laughing)

(horn honking)

- If it feels good, do it.

Whoa.

(laughter)

- Now, how does
that grab you, friends?

(audience laughing)

(upbeat comic music)

- Say, would you happen to
have a penny for the fuse box?

(audience laughing)

(upbeat comic music)

(bowling pins crashing)

(iconic comic music)

- Gosh.

- That's gosh.

(audience laughing)

- That's not funny, pfft.

(audience laughing)

- Two rice wines, please.

- You mean sake?

- No, rice wine.

- It may be rice wine to you,

but it's sake to me.

(audience laughing)

(piano flourish)

(piano key clatters)

(laughs)

All day I faced the barren waste

Without a taste
of water (laughs)

I knew, I knew.

This is one of your typical
laughing jokes, wore my boots!

(laughs) I knew!

I knew.

- Pander torten.

- No, no, it's sock it to me.

- Okay.

(audience laughing)

- That hurt.

(old fashioned comic music)

Them bones, them
bones, them dry bones

Them bones (audience laughing)

- Knock it to me.

- Rap it to me.

- Waft it to me.

- Thwart it to me.

- They wouldn't dare.

- Pop it to me.

- Squat it to me.

- Bang it to me.

- Toss it to me.

- Block it to me.

- Jump it to me.

- Regis to me.

- No, no, no, you're all wrong.

It's sock it to
me, sock it to me.

Ha-ha, you missed. (laughs)

(audience laughing)

- Moving right along, now.

Once again, it's time
for the Flying Fickle

Finger of Fate award.

(dramatic instrumental music)

- The time when
we find a citizen

who has done some
outstanding deed.

The envelope, please.

(audience laughing)

- The envelope, Goldie.

(giggling)

(audience laughing)

In a recent riot at
the Ohio penitentiary,

50 inmates were injured,
eight fires were set,

and damage to the
penitentiary came

to more than one
million dollars.

- Tonight, the Flying
Fickle Finger of Fate,

goes to Maury C. Colblens.

Chief of the Ohio
correction system.

- That's right.

Mr. Colblens, in denying
the inmates rioted

because of prison conditions,
places some of the blame

for these prison riots in
these words, and I quote,

"Outside influences
stir these things up."

(audience laughing)

- Maury C. Colblens,
you've got it coming to you.

(audience laughing)

- Ta-Da.

- Marshall McClure,
what are you doing?

- How about a
drink after the show?

- Hmm?

- Do you have someone
pulling your string behind you?

(audience laughing)

- No, I just asked you
for a drink after the show.

How about that?

- Well, I thought we were
going to the steam room.

- When did I say we were
going to the steam room?

- Well, I called you
three o'clock this morning.

- Uh-Uh, you
didn't call me, pal.

You must've gotten
the wrong number.

- I thought that was a
little high for your voice.

- You probably woke
some poor old lady up

who was shocked
at the suggestion.

- Whoever it was, she said
she'd be there with bells on.

- What are you gonna do now?

- I'm gonna ring them bells.

(audience laughing)

- And now it's time for
the Laugh-In news report.

When Dan and
Dick look at the news,

past, present, and future.

Isn't that exhilarating?

(audience laughing)

- Isn't that what?

- Exhilarating?

- What does that mean?

- why don't you look it up
in your Funk and Wagnall?

(audience laughing)

La la la la la la La la la la la

(hands slapping)

Brought the news
across the nation

We have got the
information In a way

We hope will amuse Use

We just love to give you a view

Ladies and gents
Love to look at the news

Ha ha ha ha ha Here's Dan

(audience applause)

- Now, here for the
news of the present.

The man whom the news wouldn't
be the news without the news.

Here's Dickie.

(audience applause)

(upbeat band music)

- Ta-Da.

- Cleveland, Ohio.

The National Football league
opened its fall season today

and officially honored former
star fullback Jimmy Brown

by inviting him to
throw out the first girl.

(audience laughing)

Just kidding, Jim. (laughs)

- The masked man turned
to his faithful Indian friend

and said...

- There was great excitement
in the New York harbor today

when the official Polish
delegation arrived by speedboat

for the opening of
the 1939 World's Fair.

Take it away, Goldie.

(drum flourish)

- And now, news fans, here
are some of the big news items

of the future as Dan Rowan looks

at the news and
headlines of tomorrow.

Did I do it right?

- No.

- Oh, good.

(audience laughing)

- 1988, 20 years from now.

After pouring over
more than 300 volumes

of former President Lyndon
B. Johnson's political memoirs,

publisher Bennett
Cerf today announced

completion of the Collected
Wit and Humor of Mr. Johnson.

The two-page pamphlet is
entitled, "Tis With a Heavy Hand."

Washington, 1988,
20 years from now.

Congress was once
again polled on the need

to take immediate action
on gun control legislation.

One percent said yes,
two percent said no,

the other 97 percent
were out on a hunting trip.

- And now, here's Alan
Sues' Sports Scene.

- Hi sports boosters, Big
Al here, and now the sports.

The Boston Bruisers tonight
defeated the Pittsburg Bashers

by two broken arms
and 33 lacerations.

Keep skating, girls, you
silly bunch of gay blades!

Big Al Sues and Big Al's
Sports Scene signing off.

(audience laughing)

- Here, now...

I mean, here now,
Laugh-In's News Feature.

- Just another Laugh-In
look at the wonderful world

we live in.
- Yep.

- I tell you, I never
saw anything like that.

It was frightening.

Barbed wire everywhere, with
barricades and guns going off

and troops everywhere and
civilians crying and screaming

in the streets, and
there I was, trapped

by an unrulical mob.

It was virtually an
undeclared war.

And just look what
happened to me.

- I didn't know you
were in Prague.

- Prague?

I'm talking about the Democratic
Convention in Chicago.

(audience laughing)

- Well, that about wraps
up the News portion

of our show tonight.

- And remember
folks, we'll be on the air

another three hours,
so phone in your pledges

and contributions.

- What's that all about?

- Listen, if we can pick up
a few extra bucks, why not?

(audience laughing)

- I always pick up an extra
buck on my way home.

- I'll take a six-pack.

- That's a no-no.

(phone ringing)

- Yes? (laughs)

It's Henny Youngman,
this one'll kill you.

- Which Henny Youngmamn?

- Five out of 20 ain't bad.

- Compared to what?

- Well, then, don't do it.

- Funny, I couldn't play
before the operation.

- Well, you got it again.

- One like this, one like this.

- What else would you call it?

- Take my wife... please.

- Oh, that Henny Youngman.

(beatboxing)

(humming)

- Hi, fellas, how you doing?

- Gee, it's great of you to
come down to our show, Herb.

- Well, it's a pleasure,
you know, it's a great show.

- Thank you.
- And I'm glad you asked me.

Thanks.

- Hey, what are you
going to play tonight?

- I was thinking about
something we recorded

about four years ago.

- Oh, anything, you know?

- Taste of Honey?

- Oh, my favorite - Oh, great.

- Taste of Honey, great.
- Stage is yours.

- Thank you.

(snapping fingers) One,
two, one two three four...

- Excuse me, excuse
me, Herb, I didn't know

you played trombone.

(audience laughing)

- I don't.

(audience laughing)

(audience applause)

(muttering)

(iconic comic music)

- Fudge.

- Here come the fudge?

(audience laughing)

- Now I know you all our
good friend Piotr Rozmenko,

the young man who escaped
from behind the Iron Curtain

has brought us all so many
happy hours of entertainment.

It's a pleasure to see
you again, Mr. Rozmenko.

I didn't know you
played an instrument.

- This is special balalaika
for to accompanyist

dramatic reading by
great star from my people.

- You're going to
accompany someone...

You brought someone else?

- For special present
for you for giving me

great opportunist
working on your show.

- Oh, well the
opportunity is really ours

to hear another great artist.

Who is he?

- It is the Countess
Olga Goryenko,

great, great dramatic star.

- Oh, well are you
going to introduce her?

- Please, if I could.

- Oh, I'd be delighted.
- Thanks to you, thanks.

- Yeah.

- It's a great privilege
for mine for to be able

to introduced a great
star from my country,

Countess Olga Goryenko,
great actress dramatic.

Countess!

(audience applause)

Please for to applause.

(dialogue drowned
out by applause)

- Thanking you, Piotr.

Graciousness is like you are.

- From youngsterhood,
you are my great idol

for to be incentive
show business.

- Well, you are deserving
everything you are getting.

- Yes, okay.

For you to stand
it right over here...

- Standing here.

- And you let for the technicalist
make you look beautiful.

- Oh.
- Don't be nervous.

You just looking for the
red eyes to come on camera.

- Red eyes?

- Yes, it's two on
either side, red eyes.

And then you start
it, so be beautiful.

- I am not nervous.

- That's good,
it's nice for you.

(Russian instrumental music)

I've studied Stanislovsy

And I've read the
greatest playwrights

Boys like Gorki, Gogol,
Dostoevsky, Chekov for a start

But life was dull until I met
producer name of Minski

He gave me job and
let me show my art

(speaking in foreign language)

(music becomes burlesque)

And now I bump and grind

The only way to heavy
way to mess my mind

I love to move it
to the left The right

Then grab the curtain

Sock it to me, sock it
to me, one more time

Hear that sound

How does it grab you
when I move around

Nobody carries only Minsk,
or Pinsk, or Vladovostok

Like I do, like I do, like I do

You like my Russian strip

It's really better
than a certain trip

I drop a petal
and I start to drip

(wolf whistle)

I really show it
like it is, like it is,

Like it really, really is

I love to bump and grind

Like Russes ballet
but a different kind

I leaving all the
other girls behind

With my Russian strip

(audience applause)

(dialogue drowned by applause)

- Historical almanac.

On this day in 1621
the Founding Fathers

officially adopted the
Declaration of Independence.

- No, Goldie, that
was July 4th 1776.

- Nag, nag, nag.

(audience laughing)

- I used to know all that stuff.

- And now, a short
salute to horseradish.

(coughs)

(audience laughing)

(comic instrumental music)

(iconic comic music)

- Shlerp.

- Well, sir, it's time to
say goodnight, Dick.

- Goodnight, Dick.

- Who's Dick?

- Goodnight, Dick.

- Ta-Da!

- Don't forget to tune in
next week, we have a...

- I wonder if you'd
mind if I said something

my aunt once said to me.

- You know, I'd love
to hear it, but right now

it's time to announce
next week's show.

We have...

- She was caught
in a patch of weeds

in a vacant lot in beautiful
downtown Burbank,

with a six-foot-four
belt buckle salesman.

(audience laughing)

- Well that sounds
very interesting

and I'm happy
you told us about it.

- Quite a picture
though, isn't it?

(audience laughing)

- I always did like weeds.

Next week...

- I thought perhaps
what she said

when she came out
of the weed patch

would be of
interest to the folks.

- Oh.
- Would you like to hear it?

Well my aunt was
caught in a weed patch

with a six-foot-four
belt buckle salesman,

and when she came
out she said, (laughs)

I better not tell you
that, but I'll tell you

what else she said.

She said, "How does that
grab you, belt buckle buffs?"

(audience laughing)

- Say goodnight, Dick.

- Goodnight, Dick.

- Goodnight everybody, hope
you have enjoyed yourselves.

(boisterous band music)

(audience applause)

- If Nancy Sinatra married
Jack Haley, Jr, let me see.

I'd wear my shocking
pink with the lace trim.

- What is red-faced, cold all
over, and hides behind bushes?

- Oh, (laughs) an
apprentice nudist!

- Have you noticed that
it's warmer in the country

than it is in the summer?

- What do they all a man
that can turn lead into gold?

- A plumber?

- Now that's funny!

- And in the immortal
words of Little Orphan Annie,

who once said,
"Don't fire until you see

"the whites of their eyes!"

(audience laughing)

- The king is queen,
God save the dead!

(audience laughing)

- General Custer
once said, "I die happy."

In what battle was that?

- I think it was his last one.

(audience laughing)

- Wait a minute, he's
right, 'cause I looked that up

in my Funk and Wagnall!

(audience laughing)

- Why did the shower stop?

- Because it saw
the bathroom sink.

- Oh, that Henny Youngman.

- Lets all get behind Governor
Wallace and shove him.

- I'd rather hear
you sing than eat.

- (gasps) Oh, really?

- Yeah, I've heard you eat.

(audience laughing)

- My cousin plays piano by ear.

- That's nuttin', my uncle
fiddles with his navel.

- [Both] Oh, that Belle Barth.

(audience laughing)

(foghorn sounding)

(bell dings)

(comic crashing sound)

(buzzer sounding)

- NBC, beautiful
downtown Burbank.

May I help you?

Oh, madam I'm
certain that Dick Martin

never said anything
like that on the show.

What?

Oh, I'm sorry, but
we've got no control

over what he says at your house.

(audience laughing)

- Tonight's program
was pre-recorded

earlier so that we
could all be out of town

while you watched it.

(audience laughing)

- Incidentally, if you
missed any part of this show,

watch the next
Dr. Pepper commercial.

Those dummies steal everything.

Oh, goodnight, Lucy.

(snoring)

(whacky percussion music)

(snoring)