Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 2, Episode 3 - Guest Starring Abbe Lane - full transcript

- [Announcer] The following
program is brought to you

in Living Color, on NBC.

- Is that a peacock joke?

(audience laughter)

- Mrs. Miniver.

I'm sorry for what
we did to your garden.

(audience laughter)

- Oh, isn't that lovely.

Danke schoen.

- Ladies and gentlemen, it is
my sad duty to inform you that

tonight for the first
time on Laugh In,



there will be no trapdoor jokes.

That's because unfortunately
all our Laugh In trapdoors

have been hijacked by a
Cuban named Jerry Lewis.

(audience laughter)

- Funny, he doesn't
look Cubeish.

(audience laughter)

Those Cubes will
stop at nothing.

(audience laughter)

- Oh, getting
there's half the fun.

(audience laughter)

(cheerful music)

- All right, now tell me sir.

How long have you been
experiencing this delusion

that you're invisible?



(audience laughter)

- If NBC merged with CBS,
you'd have a cock-eyed peacock.

- Well that's the
second peacock joke!

- And now, from the South
Carolina room in the Florida hotel

here in beautiful
downtown Burbank,

right in the heart of
Rogers, Arkansas,

NBC is proud to say hello,

and bid adieu to the
wonderful homespun philosophy

of Rowan and Martin's Laugh In!

Starring Dan Rowan
and Dick Martin,

with guest star Abby Lane!

Judy Carne!

Arte Johnson!

With Ruth Buzzi!

Henry Gibson!

Goldie Hawn!

Dave Matthew!

Alan Sues!

Sweet brother Dick Whittington!

Jo Anne Worley!

And Pigmeat Markham!

The fun couple, Betsy
McCall and Charlie Brew!

Chelsea Brown!

Yours truly, Gary Owens,

and Morgul as
the friendly Drelb.

- Gone. My headache's gone!

(audience laughter)

- How's that grab
ya, buffering buffs?

- Portions of tonight's
Rowan and Martin's Laugh In

are brought to you by Breck.

- Famous products
for the care of your hair.

- Beautiful hair always
begins with Breck.

Oh, cute. Cute!

Socked it to me.

- That's not funny.

(audience laughter)

- And now...

Don't worry, I saved the Breck.

- This proves the best
things in life are free.

I stole these!

(audience laughter)

- Breck shampoo takes
care of your hair's complexion

the same gentle way beauty soap

takes care of your
skin's complexion.

- I love Breck! It's delicious!

(audience laughter)

- Breck shampoo
comes in three formulas.

Dry, normal, and oily!

(audience laughter)

- And now, here they are.

The runners-up in this
week's Tallulah Bankhead

look-alike contest.

The lovely Steve McQueen
and his sister, Butterfly.

(audience applause)

- Okay, thank you very much.

Looking forward to
a fun night tonight?

- It'd be a lot more fun

if John Wayne would
come on the show.

- Yeah, it sure would, but
we asked and he said no.

- Maybe if I give
him another call.

- Oh, I don't think he'd come
all the way from Newport

just to do one line.

That's quite a drive
home late at night.

- Well, we'd get him a room.

- He's a family man.

He'd miss the love and
affection of his family.

- Well, why don't we get him
a room with a nice family here?

(audience laughter)

- You can't take a big
star like John Wayne,

move him into
some strange house,

expect him to sleep
among strangers.

- What's good enough for
me is good enough for him.

(audience laughter)

- You can forget
about John Wayne,

he's only gonna
break your heart.

- Forget about John Wayne?

- Besides, we don't
pay his kind of money.

- He did it last year.

- That's just because
he's a nice guy.

- We'll give him
a ten dollar raise

and let him be a nice
guy again this year.

(audience laughter)

- John Wayne makes over
a million dollars a picture.

- Okay, we'll give him
a fifteen dollar raise.

- He doesn't care about money.

- How 'bout a five dollar cut?

- I got a better idea than that.

- What?

- Why don't we go to the party?

- C'mon. C'mon.

(audience applause)

(party music)

- George Wallace is really
running hard this year.

But then, anyone who makes
speeches like that should run.

(audience laughter)

- Of course I believe
in life after death!

My uncle died two years ago,

and they still bring his
magazines every week.

(audience laughter)

- Personally, I can't
stand Polish jokes.

I married one.

- At first, I was nervous
about going to a psychiatrist.

But after talking to
him for a few minutes,

he didn't have any trouble
getting me on the couch.

- Yeah, I hear the Stokely
Carmichael-Miriam Makeba

marriage is working out well.

But I just don't believe
she refers to him as

Black Beauty and he calls her

The Last of the Red
Hawk Mao Maos.

- I went out last night
and got a little drunk.

It was such fun, I
think I'll go out tonight

and get a big one!

- And I say to you, sweet
brothers and sisters,

that we must get back to
the fundamentals of religion.

I say the trouble today
is that most people

have lost sight of the
Seven Commandments.

- I'd be glad to join
the war on poverty,

but I don't have
a thing to wear.

- My boyfriend is so militant,

he thinks a honkytonk
is a Chinese bigot.

- Men today take
girls for granted.

Spend a weekend with a guy,

and right away he wants
to strike up an acquaintance.

- America's a great country.

You coming here,
they give it to you

pre-wine, clothing,
apartment, and car.

- Really, that happened to you?

- No, my sister.

- Well I thought I'm gonna
leave my body to medical science.

- You mind if I
hold it for a while,

'til they pick it up?

- I hear Governor
Reagan said that

if he were ever
elected president,

he would bring
peace to the world.

- Seems like a
terrible price to pay.

- Thank heavens the Gideons
put a Bible in every hotel room.

These days, it's the
closest most young people

ever get to religion.

(audience applause)

- Jack and Jill went up the
hill to fetch a pail of water.

Mrs. Jill forgot her pill,
da-da da-da da-daughter.

(audience laughter)

- Very interesting, but chicken.

(audience laughter)

- What does it mean,
very interesting?

Nobody talks like that!

(audience laughter)

- Very interesting!

- Uh, what do you say
we go for a little drive?

(audience laughter)

Well, what do you say we
go for a row in the park, then?

What do you say you
step aside while I fall?

(audience laughter)

(beeping)

(buzzer)

- And now, it's time to give

the flying fickle
finger of fate award.

- And this week, the
delightful digit goes to the

United States
Public Health Service.

- And it's not for nothing
that they get this award.

- That's right.

The Public Health Service
prepared a pamphlet.

The pamphlet is entitled, "The
Demography of Happiness."

It cost 249,000
dollars of your money.

- But the money wasn't
wasted because here's

some of the things they
found out, and we quote:

- People who make
more money are happier

than people who
make little money.

(audience laughter)

- People who are in
good health are happier

than people who
are in ill health.

(audience laughter)

- And young people are
happier than old people.

We're having the fickle
finger of fate delivered

to the Public Health Service
by Mrs. Rowena Thing

of beautiful downtown Burbank.

Ah, tell me Mrs. Thing,

- It's Miss Think, darn it!

(audience laughter)

- Miss Thing. What qualifies
you to make this presentation?

- I'm old, sick, (coughs)

and very poor.

- When you get to
Washington and meet the folks

from the Public Health Service,
what are you going to do?

- I'm really gonna
give it to 'em!

(audience laughter)

- Public Health Service,
you've got it coming to you!

(telephone buzzer)

- NBC, beautiful
downtown Burbank!

No, Jo Anne Worley is the
one with the long, black hair.

Dan Rowan is the
one with the mustache.

(audience laughter)

- How does that grab
you, peacock lovers?

- And now for our
fans, it's time once more

to go around the
corner and up your block

to meet Mighty Mouse Mitzi
and her husband Charlie.

The Fun Couple.

- Got some fish food?

- Get outta here.

(audience laughter)

- Good morning, honey.

Happy anniversary.

- Aww, Mitzi, I feel terrible!

- Why?

- I forgot to get you something.

- Oh, that's okay.

I didn't forget to
get you anything.

- What?

- Divorce papers!

And I have a swimming pool!

(audience laughter)

- And I say to you, sweet
brothers and sisters,

to overcome the
degradations and sins of today,

we must choose
the righteous path.

We must defeat the two
deadliest enemies of righteousness.

Gambling! Vice!

We have got to make a choice.

Therefore, give me
twenty to one on vice.

(audience laughter)

(ballpark music)

- Oh no! Is that a chicken joke?

(audience laughter)

- Say, do you mind
if I play through?

I think my appendix just burst.

- Where d'you
want the lamp, lady?

- In the corner.

- Over there.

(glass shatters)

- Where do you
want the lamp, lady?

- Uh, I'll take it.

(glass shatters)

- Fruition.

(audience laughter)

- Be there a man
with a soul so dead

who never to himself has said,

"Ye come to church.
Ye come to church."

- Please be lenient.

My client has a large
family, Your Honor.

- Yeah? Boy, how
big is your family?

- I really don't know, Judge,

I haven't been
home in six weeks!

- Nope!

(audience laughter)

- Uh, what time is it?

(shattering glass)

- You have a watch?

- The little hand's on...

- When you're havin' fun!

(audience laughter)

- Did I or did I
not say hold it?

(audience laughter)

- Hey, how 'bout a
little golf Saturday?

- I can't, I'm going
to Charlie's wedding.

- Charlie?

- Charlie, you met him with me.

The little guy, little
fella, you remember him?

- Little? Oh, Charlie, yeah.

Say, he can't be
over four feet tall.

- He's small.

- Who's he marrying?

- She's the third
one from the end

in the chorus at
the Sands, in Vegas.

- That tall redhead?

- What's so tall? Lot
of girls are over six feet.

(audience laughter)

- Well, I hope she and
Charlie get along okay.

- Oh, I'm sure they will.

Soon as they adjust
to one another.

- Abby Lane's
Puppy, by Abby Lane.

If Abby Lane married John Wayne,

she'd be Abby Lane Wayne.

If she divorced Wayne
and married John Payne,

she'd be Abby Lane Wayne Payne.

Then if she bought a dog,

the dog would be Abby
Lane Wayne Payne's Dane.

If the dog hurt his head,

he'd be Abby Lane Wayne
Payne's Dane with a brain sprain.

(audience laughter)

- Now here's the
big finish, folk!

- If the dog commuted
from Portland to Madrid

by rail and air, he'd be

Abby Lane Wayne Payne's
Dane with brain sprain

from Maine to Spain
by train and plane.

- How's that grab
ya, puppy lovers?

- If Coca Cola merged
with Avon calling,

and they made Katie
Wind as president,

when somebody rang your chimes,

you'd jolly well
know you're in for

a five-day pause that refreshes.

(audience laughter)

- The Robin, by Henry Gibson.

The north wind doth blow,
and we shall have snow.

And what shall poor
Robin do then, poor thing?

Freeze, probably.

(audience laughter)

- Good evening,
my name is Tiny Tim.

It really isn't, but I
wouldn't want anybody

to think Otto Preminger
would come on this show.

(audience laughter)

- Now wait a minute.

If Greg Morris
married Doris Day,

sure, she'd be Doris Morris.

And we'd look
like night and day.

But the marriage, now
that would really be

a mission impossible.

(audience laughter)

How's that grab you,
Doris Day lovers?

- If Pat Nixon married
Nelson Rockefeller,

she wouldn't be happy.

- If Greer Garson
married Johnny Carson,

she'd be Greer Garson Carson.

But if she divorced him

and married a man
who swings in trees,

she'd be Greer
Garson Carson Tarzan.

And if he found religion,

she'd be Parson Tarzan's
Greer Garson Carson Tarzan.

And if he played
with matches, he'd be

Greer Garson Carson's
Parson Tarzan the arsonist.

How does that grab
you, Mrs. Miniver lovers?

(audience laughter)

- Hey Charlie honey, I got one.

What would happen if Dolores
Hart married George Burns?

- Well, she'd be
Dolores Hart-Burns.

- No, stupid, I
didn't mean that.

- Stick around.

Later on, Phyllis Dillard
and Everett Dirksen

are gonna mate their heads.

(audience laughter)

- And now it's time
for our Laugh In report

where we look at the news:

past, present, and future.

(cha-cha music)

- [All] Watch the news
for Carson Nation.

We have got the information.

We hope we are news.

Chick-a-boom, chick-a-boom,
chick-a-boom boom.

We just love to
give you our news.

Ta-da, ladies and gentlemen!

Chick-a-boom,
chick-a-boom, here's Dan!

(audience applause)

- Now we're in the
news of the present,

here's the man doing the news.

Wouldn't be the
news without the news.

Here's Dicky!

(audience cheers)

- Germany. A new world
pole vault record of 23 feet

was set just before dawn today

by Mr. Hans von Stuper,
a resident of West Berlin,

who was formerly a
resident of East Berlin.

(audience laughter)

Right up until just
before dawn today,

when he broke the
world pole vault record.

(audience laughter)

In Hollywood today, the rash
of May December marriages

reached the ultimate today,

when it was learned
that George Jessel

was at the Cedars
of Lebanon hospital

awaiting the birth
of his new bride.

(audience laughter)

And now, take it away Coly!

(drum roll)

- And now with the
news of the future,

here's Dicky!

- Terrific.

- Two for bluechin!

(audience laughter)

- Cairo, 1988.

The Suez Canal finally
opened for traffic today.

The first truckload of
boats leaves tomorrow.

(audience laughter)

New York City, 1988.

The new version of the Bible,

with a foreword by Marshall
McLuhan Jr. was released today.

This 45 page
pamphlet includes both

the old and mod testaments.

(audience laughter)

New York, 1988.

Mayor Stokely Carmichael today

took a walking tour
of the La Point Ghetto

in an effort to prevent
another long, cold winter.

(audience laughter)

His tour was marred by
white militant John Lindsey,

who denounced the
move as a blatant attempt

to sway the white minority.

Mayor Carmichael replied,

"If they don't like it here,

we'll ship 'em back to
England where they came from."

(audience laughter)

Finally, this item.

20 years from now,
the Vatican City, 1988.

The Church today finally
approved the use of the pill.

The announcement was
made by Pope Leroy Jr.

His father was not
available for comment.

His mother, the former
Sister Mary Catherine

(audience laughter)

when contacted at Gluck's
Hillside in the Catskills,

would only say, "We
like to think of the pill

as St. Joseph's
aspirin for children."

(audience laughter)

- Okay, sports nuts.

Here's Alan Sues's sports scene.

- Hi. Big Al here with
the Big Al sports scene.

The national sports
council announced

the results of a survey
showing the two most popular

indoor sports are
pool and bowling.

Fat lot they know.

- How does that
grab you, sports nuts?

(audience laughter)

- Hey, I thought this
was a club sandwich!

(birds chirping)
(audience laughter)

- (Grunting) It's no use, Dick,

we'll never get this
thing down like this.

- Down? I thought we
were trying to get it up!

- Cheer is a word
that makes you smile.

Cheer makes you
happy all the while.

Your heart is full of
love and goodness.

You don't have to
be happy to be gay.

When life is seemingly so bad,

When you feel by your
friends you've been had,

Just keep your head up high
and look forward to the day

You don't have to
be happy to be gay.

(audience laughter)

- I ask myself, Otto,
why are you doing this?

And I answer myself, crazy Otto.

(audience laughter)

- Pooh.

(audience laughter)

- Excuse us folks, but the
network has to make a buck here.

- There's another Indian joke.

(whooping)

- Very interesting.

But here comes the
pee-cockamamie network again.

(audience laughter)

(party music)

- I understand
there's a new cocktail.

It's called the
William F. Buckley.

Three drinks, and you don't
know what you're talking about.

(audience laughter)

- My poor brother started to
drink when he was only 14.

By the time he was 21,
he'd gone completely to pot.

(audience laughter)

- I tried the drinking man's
diet, and it really works.

Gives me lots of exercise,
'cause I tend to fall down a lot.

- Mr. Markham?

You know vodka is very good
for the heart, for the knees.

It's also good for
(speaking Russian).

- I'll drink to that!

- When I get tight,
I really loosen up.

- When David says in the
Psalms, "My cup runneth over,"

it doesn't necessarily mean
that David was a sloppy drinker.

- Really, as far as
drinking's concerned,

I have to go along with
Pat Boone and Dean Martin.

- Here's your Scotch
and milk, spendo.

- Too bad about Dean Martin,

he had to check
into a hospital today

to find out why his
headache cleared up.

- If they lower the voting age,

I think they should
lower the drinking age

so teenagers can't drink
on Election Day either.

- I usually have a little
something before dinner,

and some nights
I just have a drink.

- This country spends five
times as much on alcohol

as it does on education!

- Well no wonder there's so
many dum-drums! (laughs)

- You realize the alcohol
consumption in Washington, D.C.

is four times the
national average.

- Well the way things are going,

you didn't think they
were all sober, did you?

(audience applause)

- And now, back to
Chicago for a waffle break

with Don McNeill's
Breakfast Club.

(audience laughter)

- Speaking of
the breakfast club,

did I tell you about
my new secretary?

- Your secretary has something
to do with Don McNeill?

- I didn't know that.

(audience laughter)

- Hey incidentally,
some secretary.

I called your house today,

I had to spell my
name three times.

- Well nobody's perfect,

there's probably a dozen
ways to spell Rowan.

- We never got to Rowan.

(audience laughter)

- Imagine! He hung up on me
right between my D and my A.

- I'll probably be
losing her any day now.

She's gonna make another movie.

- I never saw her in any movie.

- That's because Dan doesn't
go to those kinds of movies.

(audience laughter)

- Well she got a
part in Andy Warhol's

new underground movie.

- What does she play?

- A bellboy.

(audience laughter)

- How can a girl play a bellboy?

- Why don't you call room
service and find out, spendo?

(telephone buzzer)

- NBC, beautiful
downtown Burbank.

I'm sorry sir, you can't speak
to the producer of Laugh In.

CFG's mummy doesn't
let him stay up this late.

(audience laughter)

- Ladies and gentlemen, the
musical feat of Tippy Toe Tom.

- Who dances on a
xylophone while his feet

play his own accompaniment.

(audience applause)

(band music)

(audience laughter)

Isn't that a shame?

- Yeah, poor guy.

First crack at the big time,
and his xylophone breaks.

- Well, that's the
way the xylo phones.

(audience laughter)

- That's the way
the bass fiddles.

- That's the way
the flugel horns.

- That's the way the tri angles.

- That's the way
the French horns.

- That's the way the Jews harp.

- That's the way
the mouth organs.

- That's the way the drums.

(audience laughter)

- Speaking of Henny Youngman,

hey, did you hear
he's got a new act?

- No.

- That's funny, neither did I.

- I wonder which Henny
Youngman they're talking about?

- Why, are you going to back up?

- It's the plumber.

- Miss it, you darn fool?

You were in it!

- If you think that's something,

you should see me
make doughnuts.

(audience laughter)

- How'd you get out of it?

- What are you,
one of your mothers?

- No, just shaky
hands will be fine.

- Hold it, will ya lady?

I'm paintin' down here.

- Oh, that Henny Youngman.

- And here they are
now, the big kids.

- Anyway folks, here's Laugh
In's mixture of odds and ends.

We call it potpourri.

(Dick snickers)

- A short salute to feet.

If it were not for feet,
where would our legs end?

(audience laughter)

- Yes, sir? What
can I do for you?

- I came for my handout.

- No, no, no.

You claim to rightfully claim
funds allotted to assist you

in the restructuring of
your cultural underpinnings

pertinent to self-actualization.

- I don't get my handout?

(audience laughter)

- In what line of endeavor
are you most proficient?

- Huh?

- Occupation.

- I'm a bum! I want
my handout, lady.

(audience laughter)

- No, no, no. There are no bums,

merely people who are
temporarily separated

from their
occupational categories.

- I ain't worked in 18 years!

- Ah! You're a member
of the manpower bank.

Profession?

- Rag-picker.

(audience laughter)

- You're a professional selector

of vital, pre-owned materials.

Now if you'll just sign this,

I'll have a fund disbursement
voucher made out in your name.

- How much funds you
gonna disburse me, lady?

(audience laughter)

- Your weekly increment
will be 50 dollars.

- 50 bucks, are you kiddin'?

50 lousy bucks for a
professional selector

of vital, pre-owned materials?

What is that?

- It's very simple, sir.

The disbursement is the
highest increment applicable

to your work-experience
situation.

So take it or leave it.

You bum!

(audience laughter)

- Call out the guard,
call out the guard!

Are you the guard?

- No sir, I'm the famous
Hungarian tap dancer

on my way to Budapest.

(audience laughter)

- Well get me a policeman.

Police! Police!

You the policeman?

- No sir, I'm the world
famous balalaika player

for this world famous
Hungarian tap dancer.

(audience laughter)

- Then get me the fire
department. Fire department!

Are you the fire department?

- No sir, I'm the world
famous bus driver

for this world famous tap
dancer and balalaika player.

- Well why are you
dressed like this?

- [All three] Well, why not?

(audience laughter)

- Cossack.

- Go like this and go wrong,

go like this and go wrong.

(audience laughter)

- And now for all you
ornithologists and bird-watchers,

here with his ankle and
splay-footed nitpicker

is your favorite bird
caller, Arte Johnson,

calling your favorite bird.

(audience laughter)

(screeching noise)

- That's the most
beautiful thing I ever heard.

(audience laughter)

- Good afternoon,
ladies and gentlemen.

I am your stewardess,
Miss Marion Marsdon.

Welcome to Flight
724, red carpet service

from London to Havana, Cuba.

We are flying at 30,000 feet,

and we should be arriving
in Havana at approximately...

- Havana, schmavana,
we're taking this to Miami!

(audience laughter)

- ("Hava Nagila") Hava na Cuba.

Hav two not Cuba,
hav three not Cuba

(singing Hebrew)

- Maracas.

- That's little Junior.

- What are you doing?

- Well I thought I'd
round up the gang

and play a little soccer.

- You mean football, don't you?

- It may be football to
you, but it's soccer to me.

(audience laughter)

- Ooh, down on me 'ead.

Cute, cute.

- Well, onward and
upward with the arts.

Mrs. Miniver, Auntie
Mame, and now

Sock it to me, baby.

(audience laughter)

(chanting "sock it to me")

(motorboat)

(audience laughter)

- Funny, funny, funny.

F-U-N-Y, funny.

- Blimey, they socked
it to somebody else.

(audience laughter)

Oh, pooh, I knew I wouldn't
get away with it, I knew it.

- Well, that's the
way the water falls.

(audience laughter)

- That really tickles my fancy.

- Voila.

- (laughing) That
was cute and funny.

You really know
how to squirt a guy.

- Hen. What would
you say to a little squirt?

- Hello, little squirt.

(audience laughter)

- Oh, that Henny Youngman.

= Place.

- And now for all you man
against machine aficionados,

mod world looks at man
against machines, uh-huh.

- [All] Machines, machines,
we're mad about machines.

- Machines that
do our work for us

That file and type
and cook for us.

- Some that sew
and some that sing

They're making
some that really swing.

- [All] We're mad
about machines.

- We dig the volts, the
cuckoo nuts and bolts.

- The kind that
come computerized

Or modern motor scooterized.

- Kinds that float
and kinds that fly.

- One that kinda gets you high.

- [All] We're mad
about machines.

Machines will play or
get it through the day.

- Machines that make you
happy when your hubby is away.

- Machines that add and
some that drive you mad.

- [All] Machines that
make, machines that make.

Machines, machines,
we're mad about machines.

We love to look at lines of them

The daring new design of them.

We need their help,
we need their skills,

For digging holes
and climbing hills,

For flying planes and
moving submarines.

Machines! Machines! Machines!

(audience applause)

- Please sit facing the
personnel director, sir.

- Yes, of course. Where is he?

- You're leaning on him.

(audience laughter)

We're fully automated
now, you know.

There you are sir. Good luck.

(machine chirping)

- [Machine] Avoidance
as a variable factor

inherent in the human
equation now predicates

a program of electronic
interrogation commencing with

your last name.

- What?

- Last name what.

And your first name, Mr. What?

- It's not "what."

- Not what. Mr. Not what What.

- Wait a minute,
that's not my name.

- Color of eyes?

- Brown.

- Eyes brown.

- Not my eyes, my name!

It's Harry Brown. My
last name is Brown.

My first name is...
- Complexion.

- Harry.

- Complexion hairy.

How long have you had a
hairy complexion, Mr. What?

- It's not what!

- Your mother's
name, Mr. Not What.

- Philomena.

- And sex.

- Female, of course.

- All right, Mrs. Not What.

- No, my mother!
She's the female!

- And what do you do in your
spare time, Mrs. Not What?

- Look, I'm a man!

- In your spare
time you are a man.

(audience laughter)

- No, wait, you've
got my name wrong!

- The spelling is wrong.

- Yes, I...
- Correct letter is "I."

Name is not "Not
What," but "Nit Wit."

(audience laughter)

Who was your last
employer, Nit Wit?

- You're not listening to me.

You're making me
sound like a complete...

- Pooh.

- Idiot!

- Your last employer
was a complete idiot.

What was the
nature of your work?

- To eliminate unnecessary...
- Specialty.

- Confusion.

- Specialty "confusion."

Well, there may be
room for you here, Nit Wit.

- You're confusing me with the,

with all this mix-up
and what-not!

- What what-not Nit Wit?

- My name, it's not nitwit.

That's what not.

- Correction noted.

Change name from
Nit Wit to What Not.

- That's not my name.

- Specialty "confusion."

- That's not my specialty.

- You're hired, Mrs. What Not.

- Not Mrs, I'm a man.

Do you hear? I am a man!

- Oh, I'm terribly
sorry, you won't do.

- What? Why not?

- We're looking for a man.

(audience laughter)

- And uh, just why do you feel

that you need a
marriage counselor?

- Well basically it's
because we're the victims

of the electronic
age in which we live.

- Yes, right from the start.

We met through computer dating.

A machine said we
belonged together.

- And then we got married in
one of those drive-in churches.

Never even saw a human face.

- After that, he lost his job

when he was
replaced by a machine.

Now he just hangs
around the house

and glares at the
vacuum cleaner.

- With all the labor saving
devices we got around the house,

she doesn't do anything either.

We're going stir-crazy!

What are we gonna do?

- Well, I don't
recommend a divorce.

Might I suggest that
you have a child?

- Oh, we thought of that,

but we didn't know
where to get the parts.

(audience laughter)

- And now for some comedy
relief, here come the big kids!

- What you got there?

- I have just invented a
machine that will do everything.

- Hey, that's great.

Can you switch it on for us?

- I knew I forgot something.

(audience laughter)

- Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to Disney Land's

Robot Theater.

- Hi, gorgeous.

You look divine.

(audience laughter)

- We are lucky.

Charles has gone
away for the weekend.

(audience laughter)

- Do you mind if I smoke?

- No.

Come and sit on the bed.

(smashing glass)

- Darling, you have no idea

how long I have
waited for this moment.

(bell clangs)

- Now I know what
true happiness is.

(audience laughter)

- [All] We made a machine
out of wood and tin,

Out of glue, out of
paper, and a safety pin.

And it whirred and it
whistled, and it gave a spin.

A pretty machine.

We took the machine
to a place in town

Where they looked,
and they listened,

and they wrote it down.

Then they gave us a
patent with a puzzled frown.

- That's quite the machine.

- [All] With a
crank and a pulley

and a lever and a
handle and a knob.

- And a piston too.

- [All] We can lift
it, we can turn it,

We can push it, we
can pull it, it can move.

- But what can it do?

- [All] Our little machine
gave a jump and jerk,

But we still couldn't
figure how to make it work.

- Will it knit?

- Or sew?

- Or make the coffee perk?

- [All] Our stupid machine.

But what can it do?

We studied that thing
'til the early dawn,

And we sighed and we
wilted and we yawned a yawn.

- Then we found us a
button and we turned it on.

(exclaiming)

- [All] What a wonderful,
marvelous, beautiful, fabulous.

Our pretty machine.

But what can it do?

(audience applause)

- My name is Michael Wayne.

I'm one of John Wayne's kids.

My father sent me here to
ask all the cuckoos on Laugh In

to leave him alone.

He just doesn't wanna
come on the show this year.

But I'll let you in
on a little secret.

You went about it the wrong way.

Sending him all that
candy and all that.

If you really want to get
Dad to do you a favor,

do what all of us
in the family do.

If you blow in his ear,
he'll follow you anywhere.

(audience laughter)

- I'm not surprised John Wayne

isn't doing the show this year.

I'm still surprised
he did it last year.

(audience laughter)

- Once again, here's
Tippy Toe Tom.

(audience applause)

(audience laughter)

- Hey, you know I just
realized something.

- Yeah?

- Tippy Toe Tom looks like a
very, very good friend of ours.

- Nick Castle.

- Just about the
best there ever was.

- Sure nice to see him again.

- Sure was a wonderful guy.

- He sure was.

- Tortilla.

(audience laughter)

- And because of you I
gave up Princess Langfeldt.

(audience laughter)

- We gotta get
together and buy back

Erich von Stroheim's legs.

(audience laughter)

Are you standing in a foxhole?

(audience laughter)

- Hey, hold it!

Fred just had a stroke.

- Aw gee, that's too bad.

That gives him a
five for this hole.

(audience laughter)

- Here, lady, one aquarium.

- And one fish.

Thought I had another one.

(audience laughter)

- Potia McLeigh,
what are you doing?

- The Honorable
Magistrate approaches

and will be here straightway.

In the meantime,
here come the church.

(audience laughter)

- I'll get you for this, Judge.

- How?

- I'm gonna charge you
with malfeasance in office!

- Oooh, that's only
what you know!

I do my malfeasin' at home.

- Ta-da!

(audience laughter)

- Whoever would doubt those lips

Who ever would doubt those eyes.

The night that you told me

You were one of those guys.

(audience laughter)

- Fraulein, that's dumb.

- We probably shouldn't
mention this in front of everybody,

but think you're getting
a little bit too thin.

- So am I.

- How many pounds
have you taken off?

- 'Bout thirteen is all.

- It must have been hard.

- No, it was mostly flab.

(audience laughter)

- For your own good, I think
you oughta lose those jokes

and pick up a little weight.

- You should've been
with me last night,

I picked up 118 pounds.

(audience laughter)

- I don't wanna hear about it.

- It was for my own good, too.

(audience laughter)

- I don't want
to hear it either.

- No, I mean it Dick,

you oughta get some
dumbbells and work out.

- You should've been
with me last night!

(audience laughter)

- I'll never throw you
a line like that again.

I mean, not that kinda dumbbell!

- I had a workout
you wouldn't believe!

- I'm talking about
the kind of dumbbell

you pick up and
hold over your head.

- Oh?

(audience laughter)

- Do you think Dick is
as good as he says he is?

- Gladys! Wait a
minute, I think you mean

do you think that Dick is
as bad as he says he is?

- No. I mean, as
good as he says he is.

- Oh, Gladys,
you're really weird.

You devil, you.

(audience laughter)

Oh my!

(telephone buzzer)

- NBC, beautiful
downtown Burbank.

Oh, they're easy to tell apart.

Danny's about half
an inch taller than Dick.

Got it?

You're welcome, Mrs. Rowan.

(audience laughter)

- I have some good news for
you and some bad news for you.

First, the good news.

Laugh In has created a
new department this year,

sort of an all-around,

helpful hint department
called public service.

And now, for the bad news.

Here it is.

(audience laughter)

- Good evening. I'm Robert Curr.

And here is my review.

Today, I attended the
performance of one of the world's

top-rated rivers,
the Mississippi.

My first impression was
that detractors who say that

the river don't do
nothin', don't say nothin',

it just keeps rollin' along

are making an unfair criticism.

I say, what can you
expect from a river?

(audience laughter)

- Okie-Poke.

- [Announcer]
Stranger than truth.

- In 1965, Edward Brady
of Santa Barbara, California

gave up a perfectly
good job to devote his life

to professional golf.

For three years Mr. Brady
played 36 holes of golf every day

and during every tournament,
never winning until last week.

Yes, in the American
Open in Sandusky, Ohio,

he collected 100,000
dollars after Arnold Palmer

accidentally hit him on
the head with a four iron.

(audience laughter)

- Good evening,
disturbed onlookers.

This is Miss Judy with
advice for the troubled.

Let's share my first letter.

Dear Miss Judy,

my wife and I moved to Los
Angeles three weeks ago.

I stayed home
from work yesterday

and I was surprised to learn
that we have the same milkman

we had in San Francisco.

Isn't that a strange
coincidence?

Signed, Suspicious Husband.

Dear Suspicious,

Don't jump to any conclusions.

Maybe the milkman just hates
to lose a satisfied customer.

(audience laughter)

- [Announcer] Learn
to know yourself.

- I think all this psychiatry
stuff is ridiculous.

If parents treated
their kids right,

there'd be no need
for psychiatrists.

Well my parents for instance

always made me feel an
important part of their life,

even though they
had very little education

and only owned a
small grocery store.

They taught me to accept
myself for what I am.

A carrot.

(audience laughter)

- That's the way the care ruts.

- That's the way the egg plants.

- That's the way the pea pods.

- That's the way
the toad stools.

- That's the way
the carbo hydrates.

- That's the way
the arty chokes.

- That's the way
the collie flowers.

- That's the way
the asparagus tips.

- That's the way the mush rooms.

- That's the way the sweet pees.

- That's the way the squash.

(audience laughter)

- A worried husband writes:

Dear Abby, I am a
mature, settled man

married to an energetic,
18-year-old girl.

I find I can no longer
keep up with her.

What am I to do?

Well, it looks like you've got

another hit on
your hands, Coogie.

How does that grab
you, bungo busts?

(audience laughter)

- Ball.

- Well, it's...
(audience applause)

- I think it's a
standing ovation.

(audience laughter)

- Pretty close to it.

I think it's time to
say good night, Dick.

- Goodnight Dick.

- Goodnight Dick.

- Goodnight Dick.

- Goodnight Doc.

- You asked why I'm here?

Well, I'm not plugging
a picture or a TV series,

and I'm not selling
an album or a book.

So why am I here?

Oh yes, yes.

As you leave the theater,

you'll find my jams and
jellies on sale in the lobby.

(audience laughter)

- Don't forget to
tune in next week.

We have a show next week.

- I wonder if you'd
mind if I said something

my aunt once said to me.

- I wouldn't mind, but
CFG says no more.

Now I wanna tell you that
next week, we really have a...

- She got, she got caught
in a birch bark canoe

with her foot in a
bucket of ice for 14 days.

- Who?

- My aunt.

- Your aunt?

- She was with CFG.

(audience laughter)

- Your aunt was with
CFG and she got her foot...

- In a birch bark canoe.

- In a birch bark canoe.

- 14 days for the
foot in a bucket of ice.

- With a nail in her shoe.

Well go ahead,
tell us whatever it is.

- Well I couldn't tell
you what she said

because the canoe toppled.

(audience laughter)

They were in a big
bucket of ice water then.

- Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong.

(audience laughter)

- Say good night, Dick.

- Goodnight Dick.

- Goodnight everybody.

(audience applause)

- Chels.

- [Chelsea] What?

- What time is it?

- Two minutes to eight.

- Oh, I used to
know all that stuff.

(audience laughter)

- I shot an arrow into the air.

It fell to Earth, I
know not where.

- (speaking foreign language)

(audience laughter)

- Did you know that in
Texas we can get on a train,

ride all day, and
still be in Texas?

- You have that same
trouble in Connecticut.

- You're weird.

(audience laughter)

- Knock knock.

- Who's there?

- Agatha.

- Agatha who?

- Ah got the world on a string.

- Did the sonar bath?

- Yes, but we had to force it.

(audience laughter)

- Why did the cloud burst?

- Because it saw the rain fall.

- Oh Judy, that's so dumb.

Go stand up there with Goldie.

Work on your English, dummy!

- Mothers of America,

it is time for us all
to clear our throats.

Are you ready?

Beautiful downtown Burbank!

- Look that up in your
Funk and Wagnall dictionary,

mothers of America.

- Did you know that George
got a ticket for speeding

right after his wedding?

- Poor guy, some
days nothing goes right.

(audience laughter)

- Knock knock.

- Who's there?

- Etter Forder.

- Etter Forder who?

- Etter Forder (speaking
foreign language)

(audience laughter)

- Poppycock.

(audience laughter)

("Pop Goes The Weasel")

- Gooseberries.

(audience laughter)

- You take that end.

- Uh-uh, I'll take this end.

(audience laughter)

- Humpty dumpy.

(audience laughter)

(bell dings)

- This program is prerecorded,

because the cast is not
allowed to drink while working

and none of them could
bear watching it sober.

(audience laughter)

- Very interesting,

but I really missed
our trapdoor.

(audience laughter)