Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 2, Episode 1 - Episode #2.1 - full transcript
Sketches including Here comes the Judge, Fickle Finger of Fate, Salute to Higher Education, and John Wayne visits the Joke Wall. Featuring Richard Nixon, John Wayne, Hugh Hefner, Goldie Hawn and Zsa Zsa Gabor.
(hypnotic music)
- [Announcer] The
following program
is brought to you in
living color on NBC.
- Every Christmas I
waited for you.
(audience laughing)
- [Gary] Ladies and gentlemen,
the mayor of beautiful
downtown Burbank,
Mr. John B. Whitney.
(audience applauding)
- It is my pleasure
to welcome home
Burbank's favorite sons,
Dan Rowan and Dick Martin.
- Thank you, Mayor.
- Thank you very much, Mayor.
- I want both of you to
know how happy we are
in beautiful downtown Burbank
that you have returned to
sock it to us.
- What'd he say?
- Sock it to us.
(balls clattering)
- Ha, ha, ha, ha, hey, look,
they socked it to the mayor.
(water splashing)
- Unless my clock is right,
it's sock it to me time.
(boinging)
- And I say socketh it
unto you as...
- Who would dare sock it to me?
(thunder cracking)
- Hey, it must be sock
it to me time.
(boinging)
Ha, ha.
- Hey, she socked it to herself.
(knocking)
- Sock it to me?
Ah!
- There's no one left to
sock it to me.
(clattering)
I thought.
- Very interesting.
(skunk spraying)
Uh, but it stinks.
- Well what do you know, for
once they didn't sock it to me.
(banging)
(boinging)
- [Group] Sock it to me,
- Ah!
- [Group] Sock it to me,
(clattering)
sock it to me, sock it to me,
(skunk spraying)
sock it to me, sock it to me,
(thunder rumbling)
sock it to me, sock it to me,
(clattering)
sock it to me, sock it to me,
- Oh!
- [Group} Sock it to me,
(crashing)
sock it to me, sock it to me,
(water splashing)
sock it to me, sock it to me.
- Sock it to me.
(buzzing)
- NBC,
beautiful downtown Burbank.
Oh, hello Governor Rockefeller.
Oh no, I don't think
we could get Mr. Nixon
to stand still for a
sock it to me.
- Sock it to me?
- And now, the second half of
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In,
a conglomeration of America's
leading comedic thespians.
- Look that up in your
Funk and Wagnalls.
- That's a dictionary, you know.
- The Funk and Wag,
there's an odd couple.
- Jack Lemmon?
- Now darling, that's
very interesting.
- Remember fans, when
we left off last year,
you heard me say, "And now
despite numerous requests,
"NBC presents Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In."
Starring Dan Rowan
and Dick Martin.
With guest stars Barbara Feldon,
Judy Carne, Arte Johnson,
Ruth Buzzi, Henry Gibson,
Goldie Hawn, Dave Madden,
Pigmeat Markham, with Charlie
Brill and Mitzi McCall,
Alan Sues, sweet brother
Dick Whittington,
Jo Anne Worley, yours
truly Gary Owens
and Morgul as the
Friendly Drelb.
And despite the rumors
you may have heard
from the other networks,
tonight's show is not a bomb.
(explosion)
- Portions of tonight's
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In
are brought to you by
- Beautiful Hair Breck,
fine products
to keep your hair looking
its very best.
- I use them every night
before I go to the club.
(gonging)
- That's funny. (laughing)
- [Woman] Ask the prima
ballerina how gentle Breck Shampoo
leaves hair more
beautifully clean.
(imitates duck)
- When I want soft,
shiny, manageable hair,
I sock it to my head
with... (water splashing)
Not water, you fools, Breck.
The shampoo that helps
leave in the natural oils.
- [Woman] And just listen to
this unsolicited testimonial.
- Breck makes my hair
so beautiful,
it just sweeps my head
off its feet.
- Oh, I wish they'd
let me buy some.
- Rowan and Martin's
Laugh-In opening.
Just read what's on the cards.
Take one.
(clacking)
- And now folks, here they
are, the stars of Laugh-In.
Two of the nicest guys
I've ever had the pleasure
of working with, Dan
Rowan and the beautiful
Dick Martin.
I can't read it on there
'cause it's not true.
I don't know who they are.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
- Well, that's it for the
season, folks.
Have a good summer, we'll be
seeing you again next Fall.
Bye, everybody!
- Hold it, hold it.
Hold it.
- Well hand it to me,
I'll hold it.
- This kinda stuff won 16 Emmys?
(audience laughing)
- Well, I guess you're looking
forward to a good season?
- You bet your sweet bippy I am.
- I forgot to tell you,
the network doesn't want you
to say sweet bippy anymore.
- I can't bet my sweet
bippy anymore?
- You can bet anything you like,
except your sweet bippy.
You'll have to think of
another word.
- (Chuckling) I got it.
(laughing)
- Better let me hear it first.
- On second thought,
stick with your bippy.
(audience laughing)
- I wouldn't leave it
for the world.
- Hey, I hope you've noticed,
we've got some bright,
new, attractive people
on the show this season,
some really great folks.
- Show me one.
- I'll show you Dave Madden.
- Hi, I'm Dave Madden.
I'm one of the new kids.
I'd like (audio cuts
out) right from the start
that I do not tell dirty jokes.
Wholesome is as wholesome does.
However, I must admit that,
like most people these days,
there are times when I
have naughty thoughts.
Those of you out there
who share my problem
would probably
appreciate knowing when
I'm having such thoughts
so you can join in,
make it a group effort.
Sort of audience
participation, as it were.
So as not to
embarrass the network,
whenever I'm having a
random naughty thought,
I'll simply throw some
confetti into the air,
nonchalantly, and then you,
recognizing the signal,
can tell yourself your
favorite joke,
laugh, and feel like you're
enjoying the show, okay?
I'll see you later.
(audience laughing)
- And besides delayed reactions,
we have a lot of other
new things this year.
- I didn't know that.
- Oh, yeah, sure.
New characters, new ideas,
new people.
- New lady people.
- You bet your bippy.
- Here, here, here.
- No, no, there, there, there.
We got lots of new people.
- Where are these new
lady people?
- Lady people?
Well, they're at the party.
- What are we waiting for?
- A cue, there it is.
C'mon, you're all invited.
(audience applauding)
(60s dance music)
- I'm so glad the new
TV season has started.
It gives us all a chance to
see next year's reruns early.
(60s dance music)
- Tell me, sir, what do
you think we oughta do
about Vietnam?
- Well, I uh, (stammering) I, I,
(stammering) I think we
should duh, duh, deescalate.
- Sure, that's easy
for you to say.
(60s dance music)
- I've seen the Fall fashions,
and nothing new is coming out.
The old things are
coming out further.
(60s dance music)
- The hardy and pioneers
really knew how to dress.
- Are you kidding?
Buckle shoes, white silk
stockings, satin britches,
ruffled shirts?
- You're right, maybe the
buckle shoes were a bit much.
(audience laughing)
(60s dance music)
- Don't let this get around,
but I hear Hugh Hefner
flunked his bunny test.
- Gladys, I'd like you
to meet Mr. Hugh Hefner.
- Oh, Mr. Hefner, Harry
says I look like something
out of your Playboy centerfold.
- Yes, the staple.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, Hef, that's the most
beautiful thing I've ever heard.
(audience laughing)
(60s dance music)
- In my college, 40% of
the students use alcohol,
and 30% use drugs.
It's not a record to
be proud of,
but we have some fantastic
football games.
(audience laughing)
(60s dance music)
- You know, I'd get married
in a minute, but I'm shy,
and you know, I can't
find any clean pajamas.
- Pajamas? Pajamas?
(60s dance music)
- I'm all for school bussing.
I've learned so much more
on a school bus
than I'll ever learn
in a school. (laughing)
(audience laughing)
(60s dance music)
- George Wallace isn't really
opposed to personal liberty
and individual freedom,
he just doesn't want them
to fall into the wrong hands.
(audience laughing)
(60s dance music)
Well, Mr. Rosmenko, it's
been over a year now
since you made your escape
from behind the iron curtain.
How do you like America.
- Well, it's very
excitational for to be
immigrationated, but
one thing is,
all the criticalizations
from the people,
they don't like it here.
Why don't they go fly a boat?
- True.
(audience laughing)
(60s dance music)
- There's a new
southern margarine out
called Imperial Wizard,
but you can only use it
on white bread.
(audience laughing)
(60s dance music)
- I hear the Pope is so upset
because of the fuss
about the pill.
He has Excedrin
headache number nine.
(audience laughing)
(60s dance music)
(audience applauding)
- We'll return right
after this message.
- Since I started using
your detergent in my bath,
all my things come out
brighter. (laughing)
(audience laughing)
- This isn't really a TV show,
it's national group therapy.
- [Gary] Stupid
question number 87.
- Have you been taken
care of yet, ma'am?
- Now that tickles my fancy.
(buzzing)
- NBC, beautiful
downtown Burbank.
Well, we went on the
air last January.
We were on the air all
Winter and Spring,
and this is our first
show of the new season.
It's called Rowan and
Martin's Laugh-In.
Oh, you're quite welcome,
General Sarnoff.
- I love this show, darlings,
but I don't understand
this show, darlings.
- In answer to your many
Australian didgeridoo questions,
this is a didgeridoo.
I will now place a genuine,
native didgeridoo song.
Thank you.
(huffing)
- That really sounds
like a kangaroo to me.
- Oh, no, a kangaroo
goes like this.
(audience laughing
and applauding)
- How many doos could
a didgeridoo
if a didgeri could do doos?
Four?
- Hey, did you watch that
old movie last night.
- No, I went over to a
lady's house.
- Well, you could still
watch the movie.
- She doesn't have a
television set.
- Oh, really, an old
fashioned girl.
- Well, she had a
couple old fashions,
then she switched to martinis.
(audience laughing)
- I don't know how people
can drink that way.
- She didn't know what she
was doing after a while.
- Well, you oughta help her.
- Oh, I helped her.
I'm going back tonight
to help her some more.
- Must be remembered.
He who laboreth in the
field all night
shall never find fruit
in a yucca tree.
- There is an odd couplet.
- Ladies and gentlemen, A
real pleasure to present
Mr. Hugh Hefner.
(audience applauding)
- Thank you, Dan.
- Eat your heart out, Hef.
(audience laughing)
- For my next number...
I don't want to set
the world on fire
I just (screaming)
- Did you hear the rabbi
got hit with a baseball?
- No, where?
- Right in the temple.
(audience laughing)
- I'm one of the
Laugh-In writers.
Please, stop me before
I steal again.
(audience laughing)
(old man grumbling)
- Hey, you doin'
anything right now?
Doin' anything tonight?
(smacking)
Are you doin' anything
tomorrow night?
(smacking)
I'll come back and
see you sometime
when you're not so busy.
- And now right here in
beautiful downtown Burbank,
Laugh-In takes you around
the corner and up your block
where we meet Mitzi and
Charlie, the fun couple.
- Oh, Mitzi, aren't
you ready yet?
Two hours you been standing here
and you still look the
same as when you started.
- Oh, really, you're so sweet.
Listen, my clasp is
broken on my purse.
Can you help me with it?
Please?
- Yeah.
- Ah, still look the same when
I started, right, sweetheart?
No, no, you'll not do that
with your hand.
- What, are you nuts?
- Well, you don't talk
that way to me.
- My fingers.
- Well, is this funny?
- What?
- My purse really is broken now.
- Oh, no, not with the
fingers again.
- Charlie!
- Oh no, the fingers are
not going in there again.
- Charlie, trust me, my
purse is broken.
I can't go if my
purse is broken.
- Do you promise?
- Of course.
- All right.
- Ow!
(Mitzi laughing)
- Never trust me, hon, never!
My life is not working out.
- Do you realize I could be home
watching Gunsmoke right now?
(audience laughing)
- Hey, we thought it would
be fun to ask the cast
how they spent their
summer vacation.
How 'bout you?
- Well, I found a new
interest, physical fitness.
- Oh, good.
- Ah, it's the answer
to everything.
Up every morning at six
o'clock, cold shower,
jog around the block a
couple of times,
a few laps around the pool,
half hour with the weights
and then a raw steak,
bed by eight o'clock.
- That sounds great, how
long you been doin' this?
- I may start Wednesday.
- Sorry I asked you.
How 'bout the rest of you?
What did you do all summer?
- Camp.
- I had the perfect summer.
June in St. Louis, July in St.
Paul,
August in Hel-sinki.
- (Chuckling) Oh, I was so busy.
My uncle, the general, died,
(laughing)
and he willed me his
entire regiment. (laughing)
- I was a poison ivy
inspector at a nudist camp.
- Well, it's really none
of your business,
but if you must know,
I took a drip.
- I had it made this summer.
I got me a job mowing the
mud at restoration city.
- I hung around the local
dry goods store
just a waitin' and a waitin'
for the August white sale.
- The selling them now?
- Summer maneuvers.
Hee hee.
- Well, (laughing)
I was so (laughing)
bored!
(audience laughing)
- I went on a camporee
with some scouts,
some real good scouts.
- Well, after the last
show was over,
I went back to my dressing
room and I took off my makeup,
then I changed my clothes
and I went out for a hot dog,
(laughing) I mean hamburger.
I forgot the question.
(audience laughing)
(comical music)
- Peter Sellers.
- And now continuing
with our Sunday concerts
here in Pearl Harbor, the Tokyo
National Symphony Orchestra
to play You Always Hurt
the One You Love.
- I feel self-conscious
on this show.
I'm the only one
without an accent.
(audience laughing)
- Walnetto.
- [Announcer] Surprise.
- Cute, that's cute, fellas.
(gonging)
- And now, folks, the original,
here come the judge, man.
- His honor, Judge
Pigmeat Markham.
- [All] Here come the
judge, here come the judge.
Order in the courtroom,
here come the judge.
- Here come the judge,
here come the judge.
(audience laughing)
- Boy, what do you wanna divorce
this good looking girl for?
- She got two buck teeth.
- Make no difference how
much they cost.
Get outta here.
(audience laughing)
Next victim.
- Yes, hey, how 'bout comin'
out on the boat Saturday?
- I can't make it, I
promised the lady
I'd take her to a Stassen rally.
- No kidding, I didn't know
you were a Stassen man.
- Well I'm not, but the lady is.
The lady is a Stassen man?
- I didn't know that.
- Politics sure make
strange bedfellows.
- Whatever turns you on.
- And now, back to the
rubber plantation,
which is really bouncing.
- Ta da.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
you've all been so nice to us,
we'd like to be nice
to some of you.
- So we came up with the
Laugh-In award
for outstanding
achievement, and here it is.
- This is the Flying Fickle
Finger of Fate Award,
which will be given each
week to that person or group
who've proven they
truly deserve to receive
the Flying Fickle Finger
of Fate Award.
(band music intro)
- And now our first winner is...
- May I have the
envelope please?
Go get the envelope, Goldie.
(audience laughing)
Thank you.
- Shoo.
- And the winner is, the
United States Congress,
established 1781 as a lobby
for the American People,
for ignoring the wishes
of 200 million Americans
and delaying passage of a
gun control law,
we hereby present
Congress with the first
Flying Fickle Finger of Fate.
(gun shot)
You oughta be more
careful with that thing.
- I didn't know it was loaded.
(audience laughing)
- That's the most beautiful
thing I ever heard.
- And now gentlemen and
gentle ladies,
it's time once again
for the Laugh-In report,
when Dan and Dick bring
you the news,
past, present, and future.
Go on.
(audience laughing)
(giggling)
(warbling music)
What's the news
across the nation
We have got the information
In a way
We hope will amuse you
We just love
To give you our views
La da da da
Gentle friends,
Laugh-In looks at the news.
- [All] Oh, Mr. Dan, oh, oh.
(audience applauding)
- God bless you, Tiny Tim.
And now with the news
of the present,
here's the man to whom the
news wouldn't be the news
without the news, here's Dicky.
(band music intro)
(audience applauding)
- That's an odd single.
(audience laughing)
- Jackson, Mississippi,
a spokesman for
the Mississippi
Teacher's Association,
currently threatening a
state-wide teacher's strike,
said today, and I quote,
"All of we teachers
"are not going back to
the classroom
"until we get paid lots
more better,"
(audience laughing)
end of quote.
Dateline California, a
committee to recall
Governor Ronald Reagan
today announced
that they have so far
received 780,000 names
on their petition.
Meanwhile in Sacramento,
Governor Reagan
started a crack down on
California state
income tax evaders.
So far, he has 780,000
names on his list.
(audience laughing)
and now, take it away, Goldie.
- And now, the news
of the future.
There.
And now peering
into the world of tomorrow,
(laughing)
is for the news of the future.
(giggling)
And here's our head peerer,
Don.
(audience laughing)
- That's Dan, Goldie.
- Are you sure?
- No, I'm Dan.
- Oh.
- Good name for the kid.
- Paris, 1988, quick
settlement of
the 25-year-old Vietnam
War was seen today,
when Averell Harriman assured
North Vietnamese negotiators
that American bombing of
Hanoi will cease
as soon as the Vietcong
agreed to withdraw
from South Vietnam, Cambodia,
and Seattle.
(audience laughing)
The nation's capital,
20 years from now, 1988.
Blacks and whites clashed today
when Congress refused
to meet with
the representatives of
the poor people's
latest march on Washington.
Poverty leader, William S.
Buckley,
(audience laughing)
vowed to remain in the capital
until action is promised
by President Mahalia Jackson.
(audience laughing)
Vice President George
Wallace could not be reached
for comment.
As you know, President
Mahalia Jackson
has sent George Wallace
on a fact-finding tour
of the Florida Everglades,
(audience laughing)
on a surfboard.
(audience laughing)
- And now for the
news of the past.
Laugh-In takes you back
to the good old days
of that fun-lovin' rascal, the
flower of the marriage world,
King Henry VIII.
Oh.
(audience laughing)
(cackling)
- We have a new game
we play here
at Windsor Castle, my dear.
It's called Queen for a Day.
(Jo Anne cackling)
- We all know that Sigmund Freud
was the father of
modern psychiatry,
but now we take you
back to old Vienna
to meet the mother
of psychiatry,
Mrs. Sigmund Freud.
- Well, Mrs. Freud, I
really can't tell you
how happy I am to have
gotten hold of you.
- No, no, don't be naughty.
- Sorry, I guess that's
what you'd call
a Freudian slip.
- Oh, is is showing.
Oh, you really are naughty,
aren't you?
- Well, I'll try to do better.
Now, let's get right
down to it, do you mind?
First of all, could you
explain about your husband's
Freudian symbols.
- My husband's what?
- Symbols, his Freudian symbols.
- Oh, those, he hasn't
played those in years.
He switched to the glockenspiel
just after we got married.
- No, no, no, I meant his
theory of sex symbols.
You know, that every day items
actually represent
sexual objects.
- Oh, that's not Sigmund's
theory, dumb dumb,
that's my theory.
- [Dan] Is it?
- For instance, take
this sexy piece of paper.
- Oh?
- Mmm hmm, and then,
when you do this,
(paper tearing)
isn't that absolutely obscene?
(audience laughing)
- Well, uh...
- Oh, poor bubby, I'm
embarrassing you.
I'll bet you've never torn paper
with a married woman before.
- No, no I haven't.
Well, it is kind of fun.
Getting back to your husband.
Now, if his book isn't
about sexual symbolism,
what is it about?
Is it...
- It's about the birds
and the bees, of course.
- Well, then, it is about sex.
- No, silly, it's about
the birds and the bees.
You see, he feels that
all of men's anxieties
are caused by his desire
to fly like a bird
and sip honey like a bee.
- But that's ridiculous.
- Well that's what I
said, but Sigmund insists.
Can I trust you?
- I think so.
- You see, Sigmund actually
is trying to learn how to fly
like a bird and to sip
honey like a bee,
and I'm afraid that if he
ever finds out,
he's going to leave me.
So, every night after
he's asleep,
I reach over and I pluck
out all his feathers.
(audience laughing)
- You reach over and
pluck out his feathers.
- Shh!
If Sigmund finds out,
he'll sting me.
(audience laughing)
- That's the most beautiful
thing I ever heard.
- And now, here's Alan
Sues and the sports scene.
- Hello, all you sports fans.
This is big Al in the old
football diamond
with a sports editorial.
Tonight I have a word for
the commissioner of baseball.
Hi.
C'mon, now, Commissioner,
don't you really think
those boots on the playing field
look a little bit ridiculous?
I mean, those silly knickers.
I say off with those
silly knickers,
and let's get those boys
into culottes.
Well, that's it for
tonight's sports.
This is Big Al with a Big
Al Sports Scene.
Ta ta. (smacking)
(audience applauding)
- And that's the way it is
Wednesday, April 12, 1936.
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
(audience laughing)
(whistling)
- One for the money,
two for the show,
if the Judge is coming,
I'm gonna leave.
(audience laughing)
- I'm gonna see that your wife
gets $25 a week for support.
- Good, your honor, every
once in awhile,
I'll throw in a few
bucks myself.
- Get outta here.
- [Announcer]
Stranger than truth.
- In 1950, Mr. and Mrs. Steve
Werner of Bayard, Wisconsin
took their two children and
an Airedale names Scotty
to Pinewood Junction,
South Dakota,
a distance of over 850 miles.
On returning home
after their trip,
Mrs. Werner discovered
that the dog, Scotty,
and one of the children
were missing,
apparently left
behind somewhere.
The Werner's resigned
to their loss,
thought no more about it
until one evening
eight months later when a
feeble, scratching sound
was heard at the screen door.
Mr. Werner, suspecting
nothing, opened the door
and there, standing
on the steps,
was a beaver, which bit her.
(audience laughing)
- Ba loo.
- My name is Tiny Tim
and I've got a secret.
- My name is Tiny Tim
and I've really got a secret.
- My name is Tiny Tim, and my
secret just swallowed Burbank.
- My name is not Tiny
Tim, it's Spiro T. Agnew.
(audience laughing)
Tiny Tim is just
easier to spell.
(audience laughing)
(trumpet music)
(boinging)
Don't go back, we'll
be right away.
(laughing)
- We'll be right back,
after a Walnetto.
(audience laughing)
(60s dance music)
- I don't know what's going
on in this world today.
I saw a movie last night
that was lewd,
just downright dirty.
Sex, sex, sex, nothing but sex.
- Where is it playing?
(audience laughing)
(60s dance music)
- I don't know, it's all
in the way you look at it.
I don't look at them as
dirty movies.
I look at them as
training films.
(audience laughing)
(60s dance music)
- Andy Warhol is working on one.
This time I understand
no one of either sex
will be allowed to see it.
- For years, I worked
night and day
to keep sex out of the movies.
- Were you a censor?
- No, an usher.
(audience laughing)
(60s dance music)
- I don't object to a
little sex in the movies,
but I keep dropping my popcorn.
(audience laughing)
(60s dance music)
- In Russia, we got at
movie three girls,
20 Cossacks, a samovar and
the plate full blintzes.
They get together in
one room and
(speaking foreign language)
til the blintzes are
all gone, that's sexy.
(audience laughing)
(60s dance music)
- I understand they're
showing Lula tonight.
- Yeah, where?
- Where they always show
them, at the Supreme Court.
(audience laughing)
(60s dance music)
- I coulda starred in one
of those movies,
but they wanted to use
my real body.
(audience laughing)
(60s dance music)
- I just saw Terese and
Isabelle, loved her, hated her.
(audience laughing)
(60s dance music)
- Boris says let's get
sex outta the movies
and back in the motels
where it belongs.
(audience laughing)
(60s dance music)
- What do you think, Mr. Hefner?
- Well, I consider myself
sexually liberated.
I like to go to Doris Day
movies and root for Rock Hudson,
the place.
(audience laughing)
(60s dance music)
- I don't know what
all this fuss is about.
Some movies are for children
and other ones are for adultery.
(audience laughing)
(60s dance music)
(audience applauding)
- And now, in answer to
numerous requests,
here with his impression
of the South African
Yellow-Breasted Fuschia-Billed
Red Wing Finnarck,
is Mr. Arte Johnson.
(audience applauding)
(screeching and cawing)
- Very interesting, but
where's the egg?
(audience laughing)
- C'mon, what are you doing?
- Crossword puzzle.
- Oh, yeah, that's my
Sunday game.
Where are you stuck.
- A three-letter word
meaning an organ of hearing.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, that's tough.
- Tough, T-U-F, no,
that doesn't fit.
- Dumb!
- Hey, I tried to call
you last night,
thought you might like to
go to dinner or something.
- I was at the hospital.
- Oh, anything serious?
- A black widow bit me.
- Well, it never woulda happened
if he had been a gentleman.
(audience laughing)
- Well, we're certainly
happy to have you back
in this country, Mr. Rosmenko.
- We certainly are.
- It's great for to
be at America,
land of great opporhumanity,
you knows?
Even poor boy can grow
up to save enough money
to go to Europe.
(audience laughing)
- Bet your sweet bippy.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor?
(audience laughing)
- As it is often said,
when the wind bloweth
not at the sands,
the cock croweth for the
king at Caesar's Palace.
- Is that a chicken joke?
(audience laughing)
- And now, let's hear it
for Charles de Gaulle.
- I'll go along with that.
Let's hear if for
Charles de Gaulle.
(single clap)
(buzzing)
- NBC, beautiful
downtown Burbank.
Oh, I'm sorry you're offended,
madame.
Laugh-In feels the way
he's been acting lately,
de Gaulle only
deserves one clap.
(audience laughing)
(cheery music)
- Roses are red,
violets are blue,
what color are yours?
- Very interesting, but
what a culturer.
- Look that up in your
Funk and Wagnall.
- Funk and Wagnalls
dictionary is our friend.
- Hey Mitzi?
- Huh?
- When are we gonna get a
king-sized bed?
- When I get a king.
Hey, Charlie?
Charlie?
Sure, when you need
him, he's never around.
My life's not working out.
Trust me, it's not working out.
(audience laughing)
- And now, we return
you to our Jehoshaphats,
who are really jumping.
- One a these?
- Thanks, no.
Whew.
Hey, what happened to Murphy?
- You didn't hear about Murphy?
He got it Thursday.
- Huh.
What about Thompson?
- He got it yesterday.
- Jenkins?
- Last night.
I saw him right
before he got it.
- What about the kid, Frankie?
- He got it last night,
in bed.
- That's rough.
Hey, you know somethin'?
- What?
- I think I got it, too.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, I think I've got it, too.
- My name is Tiny Tim,
and I know I've got it.
- Uh oh, I think I've got it,
too.
(audience laughing)
what's worse, it's coming from
the NBC wardrobe department.
(audience laughing)
(drumroll)
(clanging)
(audience laughing)
- Darling, the Judge is
coming again.
- Your honor, I'm accused
of indecent exposure.
- Mmm hmm, well, I guess
I better examine
this evidence myself.
Ow.
- Indecent exposure?
What is decent exposure?
- Oh, on a cloudy day,
fast film,
'bout F11, that'll help.
(audience laughing)
(trumpet music)
(boinging)
(band music)
- Bum bum.
- Tonight, our mod mod world
looks at higher education.
- Now you're talking
about my bag.
- You know, I've often
meant to ask, Dick.
- Why didn't you, he
was here a minute ago.
- Where did you matriculate?
- Where did I what?
- Matriculate, matriculate!
- I won't, I won't!
- C'mon, certainly you must've
matriculated at some school.
- You feelin' all right today?
- Of course I am, but
since we're talking about
higher education, and since
I myself matriculated,
and since I've spent four
happy years as a matriculant...
- All right, hold it
right there.
- Where?
- At matriculant.
- A matriculant is a student
who has matriculated.
- Sure he is.
- What else would you call it?
I think we oughta get
you a Funk and Wagnall.
- We gonna double date?
(audience laughing)
- It's not what I mean.
- You take Wagnall.
- Wagnall's not a girl.
- Good, then I'll take Funk.
(audience laughing)
- Funk and Wagnall is
a dictionary.
- I didn't know that.
- Matriculate means to
enroll at a college
or a university.
- I know that.
- Well then what are you playin'
dumb for?
- Well, if I didn't, we'd
be back at our old jobs.
- Better than that.
And so friends, with
that in mind,
let's matriculate at
the mod mod world
of higher education.
(60s dance music)
- You see, sir, here
at Weevil U,
our students attend
classes for six months,
and then they work for six
months at a job
connected with their
chosen profession.
- Well, that sounds
very practical.
- Yes, and we place these
boys ourselves.
Just finishin' up some
from right now.
Let's see now, Edward Johnson.
Edward's a business major.
- You'll be working in the
bank for the next six months,
Edwards, good luck.
- Thank you, thank you
very much, sir.
- You can see how well
thought out this program is.
Leroy's a medical student,
gonna be a fine neurosurgeon,
great hands.
- Leroy Washington.
Leroy, you'll be working for
Dr. Farley at the clinic.
First, you wash the windows,
then you paint the outside
of that there building.
Here you are.
(audience laughing)
(60s dance music)
- Hey, Bruno, the coach just
asked me to give you something,
and well, here it is.
Congratulations boy, you
did it, you won your letter.
- Oh gee, that's great.
Hey, would you do me a favor?
- Sure, anything.
- Would you read it to me?
(audience laughing)
- To some on our campuses,
the words higher education
have a special meaning.
- Hi.
- You, too?
- Hi, there.
- There, too.
- What's up?
- Hi.
- You, too?
(audience laughing)
(60s dance music)
- Ah, Benjamin, come on in.
Darling, this is the young
man I was telling you about,
Benjamin Harwood.
Benjamin is a student
at Princeton.
This is my husband, Wally.
- It's a real pleasure.
Benjamin, is that your name?
Harwood, yes.
Benji, like a martini?
That a boy.
Benji, I'd like to
explain to you why
the little woman and
I asked you down here.
Sally and I are just sick
about what's happening
to our country.
- And we wanna get involved.
- Gee, gee, that's great.
- Unfortunately, Wally
does have his business,
then I'm rather involved with
the horse show right now.
And then, of course, on the
weekends there's golf for Wally
and tennis for me.
Despite our own problems,
Benji, we wanna do something.
We wanna make a commitment.
Finance some students
to represent us.
Hang the expense,
demonstrate, protest, march.
Get right down there
into those ghettos, yeah?
- Now, here's a fun thought.
Suppose I have some
sweaters knitted that say
we protest on behalf of,
with our names.
- Gee, that's great, you're
really getting involved.
- Of course, there is
just one thing,
Benj, and I know you're
gonna understand this.
Since our names will be right
there on those sweaters,
when you're picking the
people to represent us,
please no...
Mexicans, Negros, Indians,
or people of the Jewish race.
(audience laughing)
- You understand, Benji.
Cheers.
Up with higher education
Down with really being
dumb dumb dumb dumb
Competition's getting rough now
Kindegarten ain't enough now
Time to smart up chum
Give a yay for modern education
Ta da
And the many
subjects you can pick
Two three four
There's a course to
demonstration
There's reading horseback
riding and arithmetic
Wee
Up with higher eduation
Down with dummies
dropping out out out out
Ronald Reagan said today folks
Take you local PTA folks
Let's get in the swing
And higher
education is the thing
(women laughing)
Teacher teacher I declare
I saw Goldie's underwear
Naughty naughty Chelsea Brown
See her daughter's falling down
Jo Ann Worley went to school
Riding on a turtle
When the turtle turned around
I saw Ruth Buzzi's girdle
Judy Carne's teacher's pet
Teacher's pet teacher's pet
She and teacher love to pet
He's so groovy
Out behind the basketball court
Somebody's chasing Sheldon
Wonder who the somebody is
It's Barbara Feldon
Ya ya ya ya ya
Ya ya ya ya
Everybody needs a
little knowledge
- Bored.
It's a kick to read and
write and spell
- T-A.
- Dumb.
Even downtown Burbank
has a college
Where
In the lobby by the new
stand in La Verne Hotel.
Oh (laughing)
Up with higher education
Down with everything
that's dull, dull, dull, dull
Nothing has what liberal art has
Who says no one love a smart
So let those school bells ring
Cause higher education
is the hope of the
whole crazy nation
Yes higher education
Is our thing
(audience applauding)
- This program reminds
me of my first honeymoon.
Nobody knows what they are doing
but everybody laughs.
(audience laughing)
- They wouldn't even get
away with that
on the Smothers summer mother
smother's mother's brothers...
How does that grab you,
Smothers lovers?
(audience laughing)
- Better than that.
- Well, ring my chimes.
- Fuschia.
- Hey, that's a great lookin'
jacket.
- You like that, I had it made.
- No kiddin', got a good tailor,
huh?
- Well, I have this lady
comes in three times a week.
- A lady, and she made
that for you?
- Well, she does all
sorts of odd jobs.
- That's a good-lookin' job.
She made it for you?
- Not really, she
kinda cut it down.
It used to be single-breasted.
(audience laughing)
- Well, it's
single-breasted now.
- You're kidding.
So it is.
- It surely is.
- Are you trying to tell me that
she really made that jacket?
- The hard way, while
it was on me.
- Boy, that's dangerous.
- Dangerous, I guess so.
When I took it off, my
chest came with it.
(laughing)
- Poor baby, I know how
you must feel.
No matter where you go
The world is round
No matter where you go
You'll hear this sound
Ticky tocky tocka toto
Ticky ticky tocky toto
That's the sound to make
your heart know
Life is always good
- Send in tonight for
your free gift,
a personally autographed picture
of the Hollywood freeway.
- Moving right along now,
here's our discovery
of the week.
- They've been
training on lemon.
- That's a good group
again this year.
- Must be goody time again.
- Better than that,
it's granny time.
- Oh, she's an old goody.
- Ladies and gentlemen, feeling
that teenagers have too long
controlled the music
that you hear,
tonight it's time to
add some dignity
to the sounds of the 60s.
- I can hardly wait.
- You don't have to wait.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Laugh-In proudly presents
our discovery of the
week, Old Mother Hubbard.
(audience applauding)
(singing drowned out
by applause)
Everyone in town knows
you're putting me down
For my floozy little Suzy Brown
(drowned out by music
and audience laughter)
Has got you goin' 'round
Baby tell me baby
Cause I wanna win you back
From the new Suzy Brown
Cheat cheat she's a cheater
Cheat cheat she's a cheater
Cheat cheat she's a cheater
Floozy little Suzy Brown
(audience applauding)
- That, of course, was
the lovely and talented
Mrs. Freddy Fields, asking
the musical question,
Old Man River.
(audience laughing)
(comical music)
(clattering)
(clattering)
- Thighs.
- Well, I think it's time
to say good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Dick?
- Good night, Dick.
- I know there are, I
can hear 'em laughin'.
But I'm not goin' on it
this year, I promise ya,
I'm not goin' on it this year.
(audience laughing)
- Hey, next week, we
have a line up I think...
- I wonder if you'd
mind if I said something
my aunt once said to me.
- I'm afraid we're out of time.
Next week, an outstanding...
- She was caught in
the Swedish bath
at the Wilds Hotel in
Putowski, Michigan for 14 days
with a live moose.
- Gee, I'm certainly
happy we've managed
to bring that message to
the American audience.
- I thought perhaps
what she said
when she came out of
the Swedish bath
would be of interest
to the folks.
Thank you.
My aunt was caught in
the Swedish bath
of the Wilds Hotel in
Putowski, Michigan for 14 days
with a live moose, and
when she came out she said,
"Always love animals,
"pet them and love them,
"but never, ever
trust a live moose
"in a steam bath for 14 days."
(audience laughing)
- Thank you.
- Because he also might
be an Elk and a Shriner.
(audience laughing)
- Thank you very much.
Say good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, everybody,
hope you had a good time.
- I saw you last night
at that party
with that ugly old millionaire.
- My dear, there is no such
thing as an ugly millionaire.
- And I say to you
that this tonic
will grow hair on a
bowling ball.
- Doesn't that slow up the game?
- My boyfriend shot down
14 German planes
in World War II.
- Terrific.
- Not really, he was
in Luftwaffe.
(audience laughing)
- Tiny Tim is a heterosexual.
(audience laughing)
(mumbling)
- Oh I hate
tongue-in-cheek humor.
- Goldie. (whistling)
- What?
- What's the weather
like outside?
- (Giggling) I don't know,
it's so cloudy I can't see.
(audience laughing)
- Who invented the steam engine?
- Watt.
- I said, who invented
the steam engine.
- Watt.
- Oh, never mind.
- No, he invented the
steam tuning fork.
- What?
- If they don't like it here,
why don't they go back
where they cometh from?
(audience laughing)
- Help, help, a gorilla
is making advances at me?
- Yes, but is he serious?
(audience laughing)
- Didn't you hear me pounding
on the ceiling last night?
- Sure, Goldie, but
don't be silly.
I was making a lotta
noise myself.
(audience laughing)
- I cometh from small
(speaking foreign language)
- I can't even find that
in my Funk and Wagnall.
(audience laughing)
- Is there any alcohol in cider?
- Inside a what?
- I'll drink to that.
(audience laughing)
(comical music)
(upbeat music)
(audience laughing)
(gonging)
- The preceding was
recorded earlier.
We'd be ashamed to take
it door-to-door.
(buzzing)
- NBC, beautiful
downtown Burbank.
Oh, that's lovely.
Oh, well, that's great.
Oh, well, we're so glad
you do watch.
And we'll watch you sometime,
too.
Good night, Lucy.
(audience laughing)
(clattering)
(splashing)
- Very interesting.
Let those dummkopfs at
Doctor Pepper copy that one.
(audience laughing)
(snoring)
- [Announcer] The
following program
is brought to you in
living color on NBC.
- Every Christmas I
waited for you.
(audience laughing)
- [Gary] Ladies and gentlemen,
the mayor of beautiful
downtown Burbank,
Mr. John B. Whitney.
(audience applauding)
- It is my pleasure
to welcome home
Burbank's favorite sons,
Dan Rowan and Dick Martin.
- Thank you, Mayor.
- Thank you very much, Mayor.
- I want both of you to
know how happy we are
in beautiful downtown Burbank
that you have returned to
sock it to us.
- What'd he say?
- Sock it to us.
(balls clattering)
- Ha, ha, ha, ha, hey, look,
they socked it to the mayor.
(water splashing)
- Unless my clock is right,
it's sock it to me time.
(boinging)
- And I say socketh it
unto you as...
- Who would dare sock it to me?
(thunder cracking)
- Hey, it must be sock
it to me time.
(boinging)
Ha, ha.
- Hey, she socked it to herself.
(knocking)
- Sock it to me?
Ah!
- There's no one left to
sock it to me.
(clattering)
I thought.
- Very interesting.
(skunk spraying)
Uh, but it stinks.
- Well what do you know, for
once they didn't sock it to me.
(banging)
(boinging)
- [Group] Sock it to me,
- Ah!
- [Group] Sock it to me,
(clattering)
sock it to me, sock it to me,
(skunk spraying)
sock it to me, sock it to me,
(thunder rumbling)
sock it to me, sock it to me,
(clattering)
sock it to me, sock it to me,
- Oh!
- [Group} Sock it to me,
(crashing)
sock it to me, sock it to me,
(water splashing)
sock it to me, sock it to me.
- Sock it to me.
(buzzing)
- NBC,
beautiful downtown Burbank.
Oh, hello Governor Rockefeller.
Oh no, I don't think
we could get Mr. Nixon
to stand still for a
sock it to me.
- Sock it to me?
- And now, the second half of
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In,
a conglomeration of America's
leading comedic thespians.
- Look that up in your
Funk and Wagnalls.
- That's a dictionary, you know.
- The Funk and Wag,
there's an odd couple.
- Jack Lemmon?
- Now darling, that's
very interesting.
- Remember fans, when
we left off last year,
you heard me say, "And now
despite numerous requests,
"NBC presents Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In."
Starring Dan Rowan
and Dick Martin.
With guest stars Barbara Feldon,
Judy Carne, Arte Johnson,
Ruth Buzzi, Henry Gibson,
Goldie Hawn, Dave Madden,
Pigmeat Markham, with Charlie
Brill and Mitzi McCall,
Alan Sues, sweet brother
Dick Whittington,
Jo Anne Worley, yours
truly Gary Owens
and Morgul as the
Friendly Drelb.
And despite the rumors
you may have heard
from the other networks,
tonight's show is not a bomb.
(explosion)
- Portions of tonight's
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In
are brought to you by
- Beautiful Hair Breck,
fine products
to keep your hair looking
its very best.
- I use them every night
before I go to the club.
(gonging)
- That's funny. (laughing)
- [Woman] Ask the prima
ballerina how gentle Breck Shampoo
leaves hair more
beautifully clean.
(imitates duck)
- When I want soft,
shiny, manageable hair,
I sock it to my head
with... (water splashing)
Not water, you fools, Breck.
The shampoo that helps
leave in the natural oils.
- [Woman] And just listen to
this unsolicited testimonial.
- Breck makes my hair
so beautiful,
it just sweeps my head
off its feet.
- Oh, I wish they'd
let me buy some.
- Rowan and Martin's
Laugh-In opening.
Just read what's on the cards.
Take one.
(clacking)
- And now folks, here they
are, the stars of Laugh-In.
Two of the nicest guys
I've ever had the pleasure
of working with, Dan
Rowan and the beautiful
Dick Martin.
I can't read it on there
'cause it's not true.
I don't know who they are.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
- Well, that's it for the
season, folks.
Have a good summer, we'll be
seeing you again next Fall.
Bye, everybody!
- Hold it, hold it.
Hold it.
- Well hand it to me,
I'll hold it.
- This kinda stuff won 16 Emmys?
(audience laughing)
- Well, I guess you're looking
forward to a good season?
- You bet your sweet bippy I am.
- I forgot to tell you,
the network doesn't want you
to say sweet bippy anymore.
- I can't bet my sweet
bippy anymore?
- You can bet anything you like,
except your sweet bippy.
You'll have to think of
another word.
- (Chuckling) I got it.
(laughing)
- Better let me hear it first.
- On second thought,
stick with your bippy.
(audience laughing)
- I wouldn't leave it
for the world.
- Hey, I hope you've noticed,
we've got some bright,
new, attractive people
on the show this season,
some really great folks.
- Show me one.
- I'll show you Dave Madden.
- Hi, I'm Dave Madden.
I'm one of the new kids.
I'd like (audio cuts
out) right from the start
that I do not tell dirty jokes.
Wholesome is as wholesome does.
However, I must admit that,
like most people these days,
there are times when I
have naughty thoughts.
Those of you out there
who share my problem
would probably
appreciate knowing when
I'm having such thoughts
so you can join in,
make it a group effort.
Sort of audience
participation, as it were.
So as not to
embarrass the network,
whenever I'm having a
random naughty thought,
I'll simply throw some
confetti into the air,
nonchalantly, and then you,
recognizing the signal,
can tell yourself your
favorite joke,
laugh, and feel like you're
enjoying the show, okay?
I'll see you later.
(audience laughing)
- And besides delayed reactions,
we have a lot of other
new things this year.
- I didn't know that.
- Oh, yeah, sure.
New characters, new ideas,
new people.
- New lady people.
- You bet your bippy.
- Here, here, here.
- No, no, there, there, there.
We got lots of new people.
- Where are these new
lady people?
- Lady people?
Well, they're at the party.
- What are we waiting for?
- A cue, there it is.
C'mon, you're all invited.
(audience applauding)
(60s dance music)
- I'm so glad the new
TV season has started.
It gives us all a chance to
see next year's reruns early.
(60s dance music)
- Tell me, sir, what do
you think we oughta do
about Vietnam?
- Well, I uh, (stammering) I, I,
(stammering) I think we
should duh, duh, deescalate.
- Sure, that's easy
for you to say.
(60s dance music)
- I've seen the Fall fashions,
and nothing new is coming out.
The old things are
coming out further.
(60s dance music)
- The hardy and pioneers
really knew how to dress.
- Are you kidding?
Buckle shoes, white silk
stockings, satin britches,
ruffled shirts?
- You're right, maybe the
buckle shoes were a bit much.
(audience laughing)
(60s dance music)
- Don't let this get around,
but I hear Hugh Hefner
flunked his bunny test.
- Gladys, I'd like you
to meet Mr. Hugh Hefner.
- Oh, Mr. Hefner, Harry
says I look like something
out of your Playboy centerfold.
- Yes, the staple.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, Hef, that's the most
beautiful thing I've ever heard.
(audience laughing)
(60s dance music)
- In my college, 40% of
the students use alcohol,
and 30% use drugs.
It's not a record to
be proud of,
but we have some fantastic
football games.
(audience laughing)
(60s dance music)
- You know, I'd get married
in a minute, but I'm shy,
and you know, I can't
find any clean pajamas.
- Pajamas? Pajamas?
(60s dance music)
- I'm all for school bussing.
I've learned so much more
on a school bus
than I'll ever learn
in a school. (laughing)
(audience laughing)
(60s dance music)
- George Wallace isn't really
opposed to personal liberty
and individual freedom,
he just doesn't want them
to fall into the wrong hands.
(audience laughing)
(60s dance music)
Well, Mr. Rosmenko, it's
been over a year now
since you made your escape
from behind the iron curtain.
How do you like America.
- Well, it's very
excitational for to be
immigrationated, but
one thing is,
all the criticalizations
from the people,
they don't like it here.
Why don't they go fly a boat?
- True.
(audience laughing)
(60s dance music)
- There's a new
southern margarine out
called Imperial Wizard,
but you can only use it
on white bread.
(audience laughing)
(60s dance music)
- I hear the Pope is so upset
because of the fuss
about the pill.
He has Excedrin
headache number nine.
(audience laughing)
(60s dance music)
(audience applauding)
- We'll return right
after this message.
- Since I started using
your detergent in my bath,
all my things come out
brighter. (laughing)
(audience laughing)
- This isn't really a TV show,
it's national group therapy.
- [Gary] Stupid
question number 87.
- Have you been taken
care of yet, ma'am?
- Now that tickles my fancy.
(buzzing)
- NBC, beautiful
downtown Burbank.
Well, we went on the
air last January.
We were on the air all
Winter and Spring,
and this is our first
show of the new season.
It's called Rowan and
Martin's Laugh-In.
Oh, you're quite welcome,
General Sarnoff.
- I love this show, darlings,
but I don't understand
this show, darlings.
- In answer to your many
Australian didgeridoo questions,
this is a didgeridoo.
I will now place a genuine,
native didgeridoo song.
Thank you.
(huffing)
- That really sounds
like a kangaroo to me.
- Oh, no, a kangaroo
goes like this.
(audience laughing
and applauding)
- How many doos could
a didgeridoo
if a didgeri could do doos?
Four?
- Hey, did you watch that
old movie last night.
- No, I went over to a
lady's house.
- Well, you could still
watch the movie.
- She doesn't have a
television set.
- Oh, really, an old
fashioned girl.
- Well, she had a
couple old fashions,
then she switched to martinis.
(audience laughing)
- I don't know how people
can drink that way.
- She didn't know what she
was doing after a while.
- Well, you oughta help her.
- Oh, I helped her.
I'm going back tonight
to help her some more.
- Must be remembered.
He who laboreth in the
field all night
shall never find fruit
in a yucca tree.
- There is an odd couplet.
- Ladies and gentlemen, A
real pleasure to present
Mr. Hugh Hefner.
(audience applauding)
- Thank you, Dan.
- Eat your heart out, Hef.
(audience laughing)
- For my next number...
I don't want to set
the world on fire
I just (screaming)
- Did you hear the rabbi
got hit with a baseball?
- No, where?
- Right in the temple.
(audience laughing)
- I'm one of the
Laugh-In writers.
Please, stop me before
I steal again.
(audience laughing)
(old man grumbling)
- Hey, you doin'
anything right now?
Doin' anything tonight?
(smacking)
Are you doin' anything
tomorrow night?
(smacking)
I'll come back and
see you sometime
when you're not so busy.
- And now right here in
beautiful downtown Burbank,
Laugh-In takes you around
the corner and up your block
where we meet Mitzi and
Charlie, the fun couple.
- Oh, Mitzi, aren't
you ready yet?
Two hours you been standing here
and you still look the
same as when you started.
- Oh, really, you're so sweet.
Listen, my clasp is
broken on my purse.
Can you help me with it?
Please?
- Yeah.
- Ah, still look the same when
I started, right, sweetheart?
No, no, you'll not do that
with your hand.
- What, are you nuts?
- Well, you don't talk
that way to me.
- My fingers.
- Well, is this funny?
- What?
- My purse really is broken now.
- Oh, no, not with the
fingers again.
- Charlie!
- Oh no, the fingers are
not going in there again.
- Charlie, trust me, my
purse is broken.
I can't go if my
purse is broken.
- Do you promise?
- Of course.
- All right.
- Ow!
(Mitzi laughing)
- Never trust me, hon, never!
My life is not working out.
- Do you realize I could be home
watching Gunsmoke right now?
(audience laughing)
- Hey, we thought it would
be fun to ask the cast
how they spent their
summer vacation.
How 'bout you?
- Well, I found a new
interest, physical fitness.
- Oh, good.
- Ah, it's the answer
to everything.
Up every morning at six
o'clock, cold shower,
jog around the block a
couple of times,
a few laps around the pool,
half hour with the weights
and then a raw steak,
bed by eight o'clock.
- That sounds great, how
long you been doin' this?
- I may start Wednesday.
- Sorry I asked you.
How 'bout the rest of you?
What did you do all summer?
- Camp.
- I had the perfect summer.
June in St. Louis, July in St.
Paul,
August in Hel-sinki.
- (Chuckling) Oh, I was so busy.
My uncle, the general, died,
(laughing)
and he willed me his
entire regiment. (laughing)
- I was a poison ivy
inspector at a nudist camp.
- Well, it's really none
of your business,
but if you must know,
I took a drip.
- I had it made this summer.
I got me a job mowing the
mud at restoration city.
- I hung around the local
dry goods store
just a waitin' and a waitin'
for the August white sale.
- The selling them now?
- Summer maneuvers.
Hee hee.
- Well, (laughing)
I was so (laughing)
bored!
(audience laughing)
- I went on a camporee
with some scouts,
some real good scouts.
- Well, after the last
show was over,
I went back to my dressing
room and I took off my makeup,
then I changed my clothes
and I went out for a hot dog,
(laughing) I mean hamburger.
I forgot the question.
(audience laughing)
(comical music)
- Peter Sellers.
- And now continuing
with our Sunday concerts
here in Pearl Harbor, the Tokyo
National Symphony Orchestra
to play You Always Hurt
the One You Love.
- I feel self-conscious
on this show.
I'm the only one
without an accent.
(audience laughing)
- Walnetto.
- [Announcer] Surprise.
- Cute, that's cute, fellas.
(gonging)
- And now, folks, the original,
here come the judge, man.
- His honor, Judge
Pigmeat Markham.
- [All] Here come the
judge, here come the judge.
Order in the courtroom,
here come the judge.
- Here come the judge,
here come the judge.
(audience laughing)
- Boy, what do you wanna divorce
this good looking girl for?
- She got two buck teeth.
- Make no difference how
much they cost.
Get outta here.
(audience laughing)
Next victim.
- Yes, hey, how 'bout comin'
out on the boat Saturday?
- I can't make it, I
promised the lady
I'd take her to a Stassen rally.
- No kidding, I didn't know
you were a Stassen man.
- Well I'm not, but the lady is.
The lady is a Stassen man?
- I didn't know that.
- Politics sure make
strange bedfellows.
- Whatever turns you on.
- And now, back to the
rubber plantation,
which is really bouncing.
- Ta da.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
you've all been so nice to us,
we'd like to be nice
to some of you.
- So we came up with the
Laugh-In award
for outstanding
achievement, and here it is.
- This is the Flying Fickle
Finger of Fate Award,
which will be given each
week to that person or group
who've proven they
truly deserve to receive
the Flying Fickle Finger
of Fate Award.
(band music intro)
- And now our first winner is...
- May I have the
envelope please?
Go get the envelope, Goldie.
(audience laughing)
Thank you.
- Shoo.
- And the winner is, the
United States Congress,
established 1781 as a lobby
for the American People,
for ignoring the wishes
of 200 million Americans
and delaying passage of a
gun control law,
we hereby present
Congress with the first
Flying Fickle Finger of Fate.
(gun shot)
You oughta be more
careful with that thing.
- I didn't know it was loaded.
(audience laughing)
- That's the most beautiful
thing I ever heard.
- And now gentlemen and
gentle ladies,
it's time once again
for the Laugh-In report,
when Dan and Dick bring
you the news,
past, present, and future.
Go on.
(audience laughing)
(giggling)
(warbling music)
What's the news
across the nation
We have got the information
In a way
We hope will amuse you
We just love
To give you our views
La da da da
Gentle friends,
Laugh-In looks at the news.
- [All] Oh, Mr. Dan, oh, oh.
(audience applauding)
- God bless you, Tiny Tim.
And now with the news
of the present,
here's the man to whom the
news wouldn't be the news
without the news, here's Dicky.
(band music intro)
(audience applauding)
- That's an odd single.
(audience laughing)
- Jackson, Mississippi,
a spokesman for
the Mississippi
Teacher's Association,
currently threatening a
state-wide teacher's strike,
said today, and I quote,
"All of we teachers
"are not going back to
the classroom
"until we get paid lots
more better,"
(audience laughing)
end of quote.
Dateline California, a
committee to recall
Governor Ronald Reagan
today announced
that they have so far
received 780,000 names
on their petition.
Meanwhile in Sacramento,
Governor Reagan
started a crack down on
California state
income tax evaders.
So far, he has 780,000
names on his list.
(audience laughing)
and now, take it away, Goldie.
- And now, the news
of the future.
There.
And now peering
into the world of tomorrow,
(laughing)
is for the news of the future.
(giggling)
And here's our head peerer,
Don.
(audience laughing)
- That's Dan, Goldie.
- Are you sure?
- No, I'm Dan.
- Oh.
- Good name for the kid.
- Paris, 1988, quick
settlement of
the 25-year-old Vietnam
War was seen today,
when Averell Harriman assured
North Vietnamese negotiators
that American bombing of
Hanoi will cease
as soon as the Vietcong
agreed to withdraw
from South Vietnam, Cambodia,
and Seattle.
(audience laughing)
The nation's capital,
20 years from now, 1988.
Blacks and whites clashed today
when Congress refused
to meet with
the representatives of
the poor people's
latest march on Washington.
Poverty leader, William S.
Buckley,
(audience laughing)
vowed to remain in the capital
until action is promised
by President Mahalia Jackson.
(audience laughing)
Vice President George
Wallace could not be reached
for comment.
As you know, President
Mahalia Jackson
has sent George Wallace
on a fact-finding tour
of the Florida Everglades,
(audience laughing)
on a surfboard.
(audience laughing)
- And now for the
news of the past.
Laugh-In takes you back
to the good old days
of that fun-lovin' rascal, the
flower of the marriage world,
King Henry VIII.
Oh.
(audience laughing)
(cackling)
- We have a new game
we play here
at Windsor Castle, my dear.
It's called Queen for a Day.
(Jo Anne cackling)
- We all know that Sigmund Freud
was the father of
modern psychiatry,
but now we take you
back to old Vienna
to meet the mother
of psychiatry,
Mrs. Sigmund Freud.
- Well, Mrs. Freud, I
really can't tell you
how happy I am to have
gotten hold of you.
- No, no, don't be naughty.
- Sorry, I guess that's
what you'd call
a Freudian slip.
- Oh, is is showing.
Oh, you really are naughty,
aren't you?
- Well, I'll try to do better.
Now, let's get right
down to it, do you mind?
First of all, could you
explain about your husband's
Freudian symbols.
- My husband's what?
- Symbols, his Freudian symbols.
- Oh, those, he hasn't
played those in years.
He switched to the glockenspiel
just after we got married.
- No, no, no, I meant his
theory of sex symbols.
You know, that every day items
actually represent
sexual objects.
- Oh, that's not Sigmund's
theory, dumb dumb,
that's my theory.
- [Dan] Is it?
- For instance, take
this sexy piece of paper.
- Oh?
- Mmm hmm, and then,
when you do this,
(paper tearing)
isn't that absolutely obscene?
(audience laughing)
- Well, uh...
- Oh, poor bubby, I'm
embarrassing you.
I'll bet you've never torn paper
with a married woman before.
- No, no I haven't.
Well, it is kind of fun.
Getting back to your husband.
Now, if his book isn't
about sexual symbolism,
what is it about?
Is it...
- It's about the birds
and the bees, of course.
- Well, then, it is about sex.
- No, silly, it's about
the birds and the bees.
You see, he feels that
all of men's anxieties
are caused by his desire
to fly like a bird
and sip honey like a bee.
- But that's ridiculous.
- Well that's what I
said, but Sigmund insists.
Can I trust you?
- I think so.
- You see, Sigmund actually
is trying to learn how to fly
like a bird and to sip
honey like a bee,
and I'm afraid that if he
ever finds out,
he's going to leave me.
So, every night after
he's asleep,
I reach over and I pluck
out all his feathers.
(audience laughing)
- You reach over and
pluck out his feathers.
- Shh!
If Sigmund finds out,
he'll sting me.
(audience laughing)
- That's the most beautiful
thing I ever heard.
- And now, here's Alan
Sues and the sports scene.
- Hello, all you sports fans.
This is big Al in the old
football diamond
with a sports editorial.
Tonight I have a word for
the commissioner of baseball.
Hi.
C'mon, now, Commissioner,
don't you really think
those boots on the playing field
look a little bit ridiculous?
I mean, those silly knickers.
I say off with those
silly knickers,
and let's get those boys
into culottes.
Well, that's it for
tonight's sports.
This is Big Al with a Big
Al Sports Scene.
Ta ta. (smacking)
(audience applauding)
- And that's the way it is
Wednesday, April 12, 1936.
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
(audience laughing)
(whistling)
- One for the money,
two for the show,
if the Judge is coming,
I'm gonna leave.
(audience laughing)
- I'm gonna see that your wife
gets $25 a week for support.
- Good, your honor, every
once in awhile,
I'll throw in a few
bucks myself.
- Get outta here.
- [Announcer]
Stranger than truth.
- In 1950, Mr. and Mrs. Steve
Werner of Bayard, Wisconsin
took their two children and
an Airedale names Scotty
to Pinewood Junction,
South Dakota,
a distance of over 850 miles.
On returning home
after their trip,
Mrs. Werner discovered
that the dog, Scotty,
and one of the children
were missing,
apparently left
behind somewhere.
The Werner's resigned
to their loss,
thought no more about it
until one evening
eight months later when a
feeble, scratching sound
was heard at the screen door.
Mr. Werner, suspecting
nothing, opened the door
and there, standing
on the steps,
was a beaver, which bit her.
(audience laughing)
- Ba loo.
- My name is Tiny Tim
and I've got a secret.
- My name is Tiny Tim
and I've really got a secret.
- My name is Tiny Tim, and my
secret just swallowed Burbank.
- My name is not Tiny
Tim, it's Spiro T. Agnew.
(audience laughing)
Tiny Tim is just
easier to spell.
(audience laughing)
(trumpet music)
(boinging)
Don't go back, we'll
be right away.
(laughing)
- We'll be right back,
after a Walnetto.
(audience laughing)
(60s dance music)
- I don't know what's going
on in this world today.
I saw a movie last night
that was lewd,
just downright dirty.
Sex, sex, sex, nothing but sex.
- Where is it playing?
(audience laughing)
(60s dance music)
- I don't know, it's all
in the way you look at it.
I don't look at them as
dirty movies.
I look at them as
training films.
(audience laughing)
(60s dance music)
- Andy Warhol is working on one.
This time I understand
no one of either sex
will be allowed to see it.
- For years, I worked
night and day
to keep sex out of the movies.
- Were you a censor?
- No, an usher.
(audience laughing)
(60s dance music)
- I don't object to a
little sex in the movies,
but I keep dropping my popcorn.
(audience laughing)
(60s dance music)
- In Russia, we got at
movie three girls,
20 Cossacks, a samovar and
the plate full blintzes.
They get together in
one room and
(speaking foreign language)
til the blintzes are
all gone, that's sexy.
(audience laughing)
(60s dance music)
- I understand they're
showing Lula tonight.
- Yeah, where?
- Where they always show
them, at the Supreme Court.
(audience laughing)
(60s dance music)
- I coulda starred in one
of those movies,
but they wanted to use
my real body.
(audience laughing)
(60s dance music)
- I just saw Terese and
Isabelle, loved her, hated her.
(audience laughing)
(60s dance music)
- Boris says let's get
sex outta the movies
and back in the motels
where it belongs.
(audience laughing)
(60s dance music)
- What do you think, Mr. Hefner?
- Well, I consider myself
sexually liberated.
I like to go to Doris Day
movies and root for Rock Hudson,
the place.
(audience laughing)
(60s dance music)
- I don't know what
all this fuss is about.
Some movies are for children
and other ones are for adultery.
(audience laughing)
(60s dance music)
(audience applauding)
- And now, in answer to
numerous requests,
here with his impression
of the South African
Yellow-Breasted Fuschia-Billed
Red Wing Finnarck,
is Mr. Arte Johnson.
(audience applauding)
(screeching and cawing)
- Very interesting, but
where's the egg?
(audience laughing)
- C'mon, what are you doing?
- Crossword puzzle.
- Oh, yeah, that's my
Sunday game.
Where are you stuck.
- A three-letter word
meaning an organ of hearing.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, that's tough.
- Tough, T-U-F, no,
that doesn't fit.
- Dumb!
- Hey, I tried to call
you last night,
thought you might like to
go to dinner or something.
- I was at the hospital.
- Oh, anything serious?
- A black widow bit me.
- Well, it never woulda happened
if he had been a gentleman.
(audience laughing)
- Well, we're certainly
happy to have you back
in this country, Mr. Rosmenko.
- We certainly are.
- It's great for to
be at America,
land of great opporhumanity,
you knows?
Even poor boy can grow
up to save enough money
to go to Europe.
(audience laughing)
- Bet your sweet bippy.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor?
(audience laughing)
- As it is often said,
when the wind bloweth
not at the sands,
the cock croweth for the
king at Caesar's Palace.
- Is that a chicken joke?
(audience laughing)
- And now, let's hear it
for Charles de Gaulle.
- I'll go along with that.
Let's hear if for
Charles de Gaulle.
(single clap)
(buzzing)
- NBC, beautiful
downtown Burbank.
Oh, I'm sorry you're offended,
madame.
Laugh-In feels the way
he's been acting lately,
de Gaulle only
deserves one clap.
(audience laughing)
(cheery music)
- Roses are red,
violets are blue,
what color are yours?
- Very interesting, but
what a culturer.
- Look that up in your
Funk and Wagnall.
- Funk and Wagnalls
dictionary is our friend.
- Hey Mitzi?
- Huh?
- When are we gonna get a
king-sized bed?
- When I get a king.
Hey, Charlie?
Charlie?
Sure, when you need
him, he's never around.
My life's not working out.
Trust me, it's not working out.
(audience laughing)
- And now, we return
you to our Jehoshaphats,
who are really jumping.
- One a these?
- Thanks, no.
Whew.
Hey, what happened to Murphy?
- You didn't hear about Murphy?
He got it Thursday.
- Huh.
What about Thompson?
- He got it yesterday.
- Jenkins?
- Last night.
I saw him right
before he got it.
- What about the kid, Frankie?
- He got it last night,
in bed.
- That's rough.
Hey, you know somethin'?
- What?
- I think I got it, too.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, I think I've got it, too.
- My name is Tiny Tim,
and I know I've got it.
- Uh oh, I think I've got it,
too.
(audience laughing)
what's worse, it's coming from
the NBC wardrobe department.
(audience laughing)
(drumroll)
(clanging)
(audience laughing)
- Darling, the Judge is
coming again.
- Your honor, I'm accused
of indecent exposure.
- Mmm hmm, well, I guess
I better examine
this evidence myself.
Ow.
- Indecent exposure?
What is decent exposure?
- Oh, on a cloudy day,
fast film,
'bout F11, that'll help.
(audience laughing)
(trumpet music)
(boinging)
(band music)
- Bum bum.
- Tonight, our mod mod world
looks at higher education.
- Now you're talking
about my bag.
- You know, I've often
meant to ask, Dick.
- Why didn't you, he
was here a minute ago.
- Where did you matriculate?
- Where did I what?
- Matriculate, matriculate!
- I won't, I won't!
- C'mon, certainly you must've
matriculated at some school.
- You feelin' all right today?
- Of course I am, but
since we're talking about
higher education, and since
I myself matriculated,
and since I've spent four
happy years as a matriculant...
- All right, hold it
right there.
- Where?
- At matriculant.
- A matriculant is a student
who has matriculated.
- Sure he is.
- What else would you call it?
I think we oughta get
you a Funk and Wagnall.
- We gonna double date?
(audience laughing)
- It's not what I mean.
- You take Wagnall.
- Wagnall's not a girl.
- Good, then I'll take Funk.
(audience laughing)
- Funk and Wagnall is
a dictionary.
- I didn't know that.
- Matriculate means to
enroll at a college
or a university.
- I know that.
- Well then what are you playin'
dumb for?
- Well, if I didn't, we'd
be back at our old jobs.
- Better than that.
And so friends, with
that in mind,
let's matriculate at
the mod mod world
of higher education.
(60s dance music)
- You see, sir, here
at Weevil U,
our students attend
classes for six months,
and then they work for six
months at a job
connected with their
chosen profession.
- Well, that sounds
very practical.
- Yes, and we place these
boys ourselves.
Just finishin' up some
from right now.
Let's see now, Edward Johnson.
Edward's a business major.
- You'll be working in the
bank for the next six months,
Edwards, good luck.
- Thank you, thank you
very much, sir.
- You can see how well
thought out this program is.
Leroy's a medical student,
gonna be a fine neurosurgeon,
great hands.
- Leroy Washington.
Leroy, you'll be working for
Dr. Farley at the clinic.
First, you wash the windows,
then you paint the outside
of that there building.
Here you are.
(audience laughing)
(60s dance music)
- Hey, Bruno, the coach just
asked me to give you something,
and well, here it is.
Congratulations boy, you
did it, you won your letter.
- Oh gee, that's great.
Hey, would you do me a favor?
- Sure, anything.
- Would you read it to me?
(audience laughing)
- To some on our campuses,
the words higher education
have a special meaning.
- Hi.
- You, too?
- Hi, there.
- There, too.
- What's up?
- Hi.
- You, too?
(audience laughing)
(60s dance music)
- Ah, Benjamin, come on in.
Darling, this is the young
man I was telling you about,
Benjamin Harwood.
Benjamin is a student
at Princeton.
This is my husband, Wally.
- It's a real pleasure.
Benjamin, is that your name?
Harwood, yes.
Benji, like a martini?
That a boy.
Benji, I'd like to
explain to you why
the little woman and
I asked you down here.
Sally and I are just sick
about what's happening
to our country.
- And we wanna get involved.
- Gee, gee, that's great.
- Unfortunately, Wally
does have his business,
then I'm rather involved with
the horse show right now.
And then, of course, on the
weekends there's golf for Wally
and tennis for me.
Despite our own problems,
Benji, we wanna do something.
We wanna make a commitment.
Finance some students
to represent us.
Hang the expense,
demonstrate, protest, march.
Get right down there
into those ghettos, yeah?
- Now, here's a fun thought.
Suppose I have some
sweaters knitted that say
we protest on behalf of,
with our names.
- Gee, that's great, you're
really getting involved.
- Of course, there is
just one thing,
Benj, and I know you're
gonna understand this.
Since our names will be right
there on those sweaters,
when you're picking the
people to represent us,
please no...
Mexicans, Negros, Indians,
or people of the Jewish race.
(audience laughing)
- You understand, Benji.
Cheers.
Up with higher education
Down with really being
dumb dumb dumb dumb
Competition's getting rough now
Kindegarten ain't enough now
Time to smart up chum
Give a yay for modern education
Ta da
And the many
subjects you can pick
Two three four
There's a course to
demonstration
There's reading horseback
riding and arithmetic
Wee
Up with higher eduation
Down with dummies
dropping out out out out
Ronald Reagan said today folks
Take you local PTA folks
Let's get in the swing
And higher
education is the thing
(women laughing)
Teacher teacher I declare
I saw Goldie's underwear
Naughty naughty Chelsea Brown
See her daughter's falling down
Jo Ann Worley went to school
Riding on a turtle
When the turtle turned around
I saw Ruth Buzzi's girdle
Judy Carne's teacher's pet
Teacher's pet teacher's pet
She and teacher love to pet
He's so groovy
Out behind the basketball court
Somebody's chasing Sheldon
Wonder who the somebody is
It's Barbara Feldon
Ya ya ya ya ya
Ya ya ya ya
Everybody needs a
little knowledge
- Bored.
It's a kick to read and
write and spell
- T-A.
- Dumb.
Even downtown Burbank
has a college
Where
In the lobby by the new
stand in La Verne Hotel.
Oh (laughing)
Up with higher education
Down with everything
that's dull, dull, dull, dull
Nothing has what liberal art has
Who says no one love a smart
So let those school bells ring
Cause higher education
is the hope of the
whole crazy nation
Yes higher education
Is our thing
(audience applauding)
- This program reminds
me of my first honeymoon.
Nobody knows what they are doing
but everybody laughs.
(audience laughing)
- They wouldn't even get
away with that
on the Smothers summer mother
smother's mother's brothers...
How does that grab you,
Smothers lovers?
(audience laughing)
- Better than that.
- Well, ring my chimes.
- Fuschia.
- Hey, that's a great lookin'
jacket.
- You like that, I had it made.
- No kiddin', got a good tailor,
huh?
- Well, I have this lady
comes in three times a week.
- A lady, and she made
that for you?
- Well, she does all
sorts of odd jobs.
- That's a good-lookin' job.
She made it for you?
- Not really, she
kinda cut it down.
It used to be single-breasted.
(audience laughing)
- Well, it's
single-breasted now.
- You're kidding.
So it is.
- It surely is.
- Are you trying to tell me that
she really made that jacket?
- The hard way, while
it was on me.
- Boy, that's dangerous.
- Dangerous, I guess so.
When I took it off, my
chest came with it.
(laughing)
- Poor baby, I know how
you must feel.
No matter where you go
The world is round
No matter where you go
You'll hear this sound
Ticky tocky tocka toto
Ticky ticky tocky toto
That's the sound to make
your heart know
Life is always good
- Send in tonight for
your free gift,
a personally autographed picture
of the Hollywood freeway.
- Moving right along now,
here's our discovery
of the week.
- They've been
training on lemon.
- That's a good group
again this year.
- Must be goody time again.
- Better than that,
it's granny time.
- Oh, she's an old goody.
- Ladies and gentlemen, feeling
that teenagers have too long
controlled the music
that you hear,
tonight it's time to
add some dignity
to the sounds of the 60s.
- I can hardly wait.
- You don't have to wait.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Laugh-In proudly presents
our discovery of the
week, Old Mother Hubbard.
(audience applauding)
(singing drowned out
by applause)
Everyone in town knows
you're putting me down
For my floozy little Suzy Brown
(drowned out by music
and audience laughter)
Has got you goin' 'round
Baby tell me baby
Cause I wanna win you back
From the new Suzy Brown
Cheat cheat she's a cheater
Cheat cheat she's a cheater
Cheat cheat she's a cheater
Floozy little Suzy Brown
(audience applauding)
- That, of course, was
the lovely and talented
Mrs. Freddy Fields, asking
the musical question,
Old Man River.
(audience laughing)
(comical music)
(clattering)
(clattering)
- Thighs.
- Well, I think it's time
to say good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Dick?
- Good night, Dick.
- I know there are, I
can hear 'em laughin'.
But I'm not goin' on it
this year, I promise ya,
I'm not goin' on it this year.
(audience laughing)
- Hey, next week, we
have a line up I think...
- I wonder if you'd
mind if I said something
my aunt once said to me.
- I'm afraid we're out of time.
Next week, an outstanding...
- She was caught in
the Swedish bath
at the Wilds Hotel in
Putowski, Michigan for 14 days
with a live moose.
- Gee, I'm certainly
happy we've managed
to bring that message to
the American audience.
- I thought perhaps
what she said
when she came out of
the Swedish bath
would be of interest
to the folks.
Thank you.
My aunt was caught in
the Swedish bath
of the Wilds Hotel in
Putowski, Michigan for 14 days
with a live moose, and
when she came out she said,
"Always love animals,
"pet them and love them,
"but never, ever
trust a live moose
"in a steam bath for 14 days."
(audience laughing)
- Thank you.
- Because he also might
be an Elk and a Shriner.
(audience laughing)
- Thank you very much.
Say good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, everybody,
hope you had a good time.
- I saw you last night
at that party
with that ugly old millionaire.
- My dear, there is no such
thing as an ugly millionaire.
- And I say to you
that this tonic
will grow hair on a
bowling ball.
- Doesn't that slow up the game?
- My boyfriend shot down
14 German planes
in World War II.
- Terrific.
- Not really, he was
in Luftwaffe.
(audience laughing)
- Tiny Tim is a heterosexual.
(audience laughing)
(mumbling)
- Oh I hate
tongue-in-cheek humor.
- Goldie. (whistling)
- What?
- What's the weather
like outside?
- (Giggling) I don't know,
it's so cloudy I can't see.
(audience laughing)
- Who invented the steam engine?
- Watt.
- I said, who invented
the steam engine.
- Watt.
- Oh, never mind.
- No, he invented the
steam tuning fork.
- What?
- If they don't like it here,
why don't they go back
where they cometh from?
(audience laughing)
- Help, help, a gorilla
is making advances at me?
- Yes, but is he serious?
(audience laughing)
- Didn't you hear me pounding
on the ceiling last night?
- Sure, Goldie, but
don't be silly.
I was making a lotta
noise myself.
(audience laughing)
- I cometh from small
(speaking foreign language)
- I can't even find that
in my Funk and Wagnall.
(audience laughing)
- Is there any alcohol in cider?
- Inside a what?
- I'll drink to that.
(audience laughing)
(comical music)
(upbeat music)
(audience laughing)
(gonging)
- The preceding was
recorded earlier.
We'd be ashamed to take
it door-to-door.
(buzzing)
- NBC, beautiful
downtown Burbank.
Oh, that's lovely.
Oh, well, that's great.
Oh, well, we're so glad
you do watch.
And we'll watch you sometime,
too.
Good night, Lucy.
(audience laughing)
(clattering)
(splashing)
- Very interesting.
Let those dummkopfs at
Doctor Pepper copy that one.
(audience laughing)
(snoring)