Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 2, Episode 17 - Episode #2.17 - full transcript
- [Narrator] The
following program
is brought to you in
living color on NBC.
- I say a girl's most
treasured possession
is her transmission.
(audience laughs)
- You bet your sweet bippy.
- You know Zsa
Zsa bet her bippy,
but I'm sure you
all heard about that.
- You know, once I bet
my bippy and lost, twice.
- How does that
grab you, sports fans?
(audience laughs)
- Poor baby.
He should get his
transmission fixed.
- Tarzan love Jane.
Nothing ever take
him away from her.
Stay in jungle.
Rest of life together.
Ah, ah.
- Tarzan, I have splendid news.
I've just discovered that
you're really Lord Gracetow,
one of England's wealthiest men
and owner of the
Grand Gracetow Castle.
- Oh listen Jane, if
you're ever in England,
do give us a buzz.
Ta-ta.
(audience laughs)
- Ta-Ta.
(goofy music)
- My girdle is killing me.
(fairies laughing
and chattering)
- Guess what!
- [Fairies] What?
- Last night I lost a dime,
and this morning I found
a tooth under my pillow.
(fairies laughing)
- [Fairies] You silly thing.
- All right men,
we're moving out,
and I say it's gonna be
pretty rough out there,
but when the chips are down
always remember
those inspiring words
they taught us
when we were kids.
Ready?
- [Soldiers] The
itsy bitsy spider
climbed up the water spout.
- Very interesting.
So that's how they did it,
the old itsy bitsy
spider bit, huh?
(audience laughs)
- And now from
the squeezing room
of the beautiful
downtown Burbank
Great Fruit Delight Factory,
NBC brings you Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In,
starring your two
favorite squirts,
Dan Rowan and Dick Martin,
with guest stars Eddie
Rochester Anderson,
Buster Crabbe, George
Jessel, Spiro Agnew,
Zsa Zsa Gabor, Jonathan
Winters, and tonight only
the parts of Zero Mostel will
be played by Arte Johnson,
Judy Carne.
Other parts of Zero
Mostel with Ruth Buzzi,
Henry Gibson, Goldie Hawn,
Dave Madden, Alan Sues,
and Jo Anne Worley
appearing in the title role.
- And me, Chelsea Brown,
your token of the week.
- Plus, yours truly, Gary Owens,
appearing for the first time
as Morgle, The Friendly Drobe.
But first, a paid,
solicited testimonial.
(goofy music)
As you remember,
we left Tom Swift
reaching for his electric
drum in an effort to beat it
just as the poker game
ended with the cry,
"I've got a pair!"
That pair turned out to be Dick
and Dan, and here they were.
(applause)
- Well, what would you like
to talk about tonight, Gracie?
- Well lately I've been giving
a great deal of sober thought
to the rising incidence
of computer dating
and the serious
impersonal problems
which can arise therefrom.
- Gees, you almost
did it all right,
and I'm just thrilled to hear
that you're not being
frivolous for a change.
Well, we're gonna
have a nice here...
What do you think
of computer dating?
- I don't know.
I have never been out with one.
- Drat.
I fell for the old, "I've
been giving sober thought
"to the computer
dating system problem."
- Ploy.
- Ploy, yeah.
All right, you
know what ploy is?
- Yeah, that's a thing
you eat with your finger...
- I don't wanna hear about it.
Then you wouldn't date a
girl selected by a computer.
Is that what you're
trying to tell...
- Not on your sweet bippy.
- Why not?
- Well, because you're
not allowed to fold,
spindle, or otherwise bend them.
- I'll bet you don't even know
how computer dating works.
- Oh yeah, well
I bet I don't know
how a computing dater works.
- Well, your outstanding
characteristics
are punched onto an IBM card.
- You're putting me on.
- No, and then your card
is fed into an IBM machine
with a lot of
other girls' cards...
- Yeah, baby.
- And then it's just
a simple matter
of matching up
your perforations.
(audience laughs)
And then...
- What will they think of next?
- And then, "Let me
continue," he said,
"And through a carefully
controlled electronic process
"the machine selects the
girl best suited for you, sir."
- "Well, I've got a better
idea," he retaliated.
- "Oh but," he questioned.
- Suppose you invite a girl
to your apartment for cocktils.
- [Dan] For cocktails.
- Yes.
- Yes.
- Then, with the lights down
low and soft music playing,
you take her little
head in your hands
and you start to
give her a little kiss.
- Wait a minute, hold on sir.
I believe you're onto
something, wacker.
- I certainly was.
- When?
- Well I was having...
- I don't wanna...
Well, you're invited, too.
- You wanna go to the party?
(retro music)
- You know, I'm positive
there's no such thing as ESP.
- Well what makes
you so sure, Goldie?
- Well, I feel it in my bones.
(retro music)
- Things have really
changed on the campus.
For instance at Columbia,
ROTC now stands for
Recapture Our Twenty Classrooms.
(retro music)
- In Russia, they're proud
for to have it People's Army.
The only trouble is the
government has got a bigger army.
(retro music)
- Oh, I had a horrible
nightmare last night.
I dreamed I was at a party,
stark naked, and
somebody else came in
wearing exactly
the same thing off.
(audience laughs)
- I think I approve
of the group therapy
sessions in the nude.
I think it'll get people
to see each other's
problems more clearly.
(audience laughs)
(retro music)
- I'm not paying
my taxes this year.
That way, at least one
man will be after me.
(retro music)
- My boyfriend served
two years in Vietnam
and never saw a South
Vietnamese soldier,
but then he spent all
his time at the front.
(retro music)
Hey, I hear the
President's family
is having trouble getting
settled in the White House.
Mrs. Nixon is still
trying to figure out
how to get the barbecue
pit out of the Oval Room.
(retro music)
- The church is
not so out of date.
We've been singing
soul music for years.
(retro music)
- I was shocked when I saw
The Killing of Sister George.
Well, it's the first time
I ever saw a movie
where the heroine got the girl.
(retro music)
- If the black people
are supposed to have
such a great sense of rhythm,
then how come they
have so many children?
(retro music)
- My crowd at college
believes that in a few years,
the laws regarding marijuana
will be much more lenient.
Personally, as far as I'm
concerned, the sky is the limit.
(retro music)
- Goldie, what do you
think about Liz and Dick
wanting to do
Fiddler on the Roof?
- Well, why not?
They've done it everywhere else.
(audience laughs)
(retro music)
(applause)
(violin playing)
- Don't tell my wife, Mary
Livingston, you saw me here.
She thinks I'm at
the American Legion
watching a stag movie.
- Whatever turns you on.
- We're thinking of doing
a less violent version
of the Boston Strangler.
They're gonna call it
The Fire Island Tweaker.
(audience laughs)
- Of course I like Milton Berle.
As a matter of fact, we
go to the same dress maid.
- Ever since Some Like It Hot,
somebody has been sending
me tickets for the drag races.
- Look that up in your
Funk and Wagnalls.
(goofy music)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
the real Zero Mostel.
- Due to the unfortunate
lack of a power blackout,
you will now see
the Laugh-In News.
Oy vey.
(audience laughs)
(rhythmic music)
What's the news
across the nation?
We have got the information
In a way we (mumbles)
We just love to
give you our view
La-Dah-Dee-Dah (girls singing)
- [Girls] Here's Dan.
(applause)
- And now for the
news of the present,
here's the man who the news
wouldn't be the news
without the news?
Here's Dicky.
(applause) (upbeat music)
- Hi, Big Dick here.
(audience laughs)
Featurette.
Report from the
newlyweds this morning,
Mrs. Jackie Onassis
sent her husband out
to get some American newspapers.
He bought the New York
Times, Baltimore Sun,
and is still negotiating
for the Chicago Tribune.
- Everybody is entitled
to one enormous hangup.
- And this from
the nation's capital.
Mrs. Shirley Chisholm,
the America's first
negro congresswomen,
arrived in Washington today.
She was greeted by 16
Southern representatives
who politely escorted her
to the halls of Congress,
where she was given a warm
welcome, a mop and a bucket.
(audience laughs)
And now, take it away, Goldie!
(drum roll)
- And now with the news of
the future 20 years from now,
here's the news whom the man
wouldn't be the past
without the now... (laughs)
Here's Dan.
- That's the most beautiful
thing I ever heard, Goldie.
- Well, I can do
it when I want to.
- Terrific.
- Pennsylvania 1989,
the new atomic powered cars
proved extremely durable today
when two of them collided
on the Pennsylvania Turnpike.
Damage was confined to part
of the fender half of a bumper
and most of downtown Pittsburgh.
(audience laughs)
Hollywood 1989.
Screen Actor's Guild president
Charleton Heston the Fourth
today announced a strike
against all 27 major networks.
The Guild is demanding
that every show on television
include at least
one white actor,
and that the white
actors be allowed
to play porters and servants
instead of constantly
being typecast
as brain surgeons
and bank presidents.
(audience laughs)
Here's Rona.
- And now for our
news of the past,
Laugh-In roams back
to the Imperial Gardens
of Julius Caesar. (laughs)
- Hail Brutus, we
are all assembled.
- Good Cassius.
Have we all our knives?
- Yes.
- Excellent.
Bear this in mind.
We are in this together,
but soft, Caesar approaches.
- Hail, fellow Romans.
- Hail, mighty Caesar.
Now.
(guitar strumming)
(Romans singing)
- Our news fans, these are
the top stories to this hour,
Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs,
Myra Breckinridge, and Hey
Lady, Your Sign Fell Down.
We'll have the details
in just a moment.
- And now for the sports,
here's our debonair man
about the locker room,
that old sweat sock
himself, Alan Sues.
- Hi, sports fans.
Big Al here.
Featurette.
I just got word from the
International Leap Frog finals,
and it's a scandal, scandal.
Greek champion Spiros Nern
was kicked out
of the mix doubles
for illegal use of hands.
Oh, fowl, fowl
Spiros, you wild devil.
What's the matter with me?
Ta-ta.
- Well, that's our news
for tonight, right Eric?
- Right Kermit,
and if you enjoyed what you saw,
please signify by
raising your hands.
Well, one guy in
Flint, Michigan liked it.
(audience laughs)
(goofy music)
- Sandal is undone if you
want me to hold that for you.
Oh, oh, oh!
(loud thud)
- Put him to sleep, Nurse.
(thud)
(birds tweeting)
- Drink.
The wine will give us courage.
- Hi guys!
Ah, ah, ah, ah.
Why do I always get
stuck for the drinks?
- Oh, sister fairies,
sister fairies, guess what!
- [Fairies] What?
(fairy laughs)
- I just turned a
frog into a prince.
(fairies laugh)
Well, almost.
Henry, straighten up.
You're too short
as it is, honey.
(upbeat music)
- Turtles.
(upbeat music)
- Henry, Henry,
Henry, look at me.
Henry, you have
nothing to cry about.
You have nothing...
You're a big star now.
You have three cars, a home,
all the money you need.
- Yeah, but what you
don't know is back home
I have a poor old
mother who's starving.
(sobbing)
(goofy music)
- Scalpel.
- Scalpel.
(laughing)
- Good night, Dave.
- Good night, Chip.
(fairy sobbing)
- I just washed my wand
and I can't do a thing with it.
(fairies sobbing)
- Caesar!
The Huns come from the North,
the Mongols from the East,
the Barbarians from the
West, what shall we do?
- I guess we better send
out for some cheese dip
and we'll need some
sandwiches for that crowd.
(audience laughs)
- Alan, go to your room.
- Yeah, you're right.
(audience laughs)
- Hi, I'm Tony Curtis,
and I play the Boston Strangler.
- I'm all choked up.
- Well, whatever
turns you on, Sweety.
(audience laughs)
(violin playing)
- You know, the
violin was my first love.
- Oh, I don't care if I'm
your second love, Spindo.
I'll wait for you forever.
(audience laughs)
(violin playing)
- Blow in his ear, he'll
follow you anywhere.
- What am I doing here?
I could be at a funeral
enjoying myself.
(audience laughs)
- That's the worst John
Wayne impression I ever saw.
- Oh, you starred in the
Boston Strangler, didn't you?
Well, it's very exciting
to meet the man who forcibly
made love to 14 women.
- My pleasure.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
- You know, I keep my
life savings in a money belt.
I call it the First
National Trust.
- He's a better person for that.
- Now that's funny.
- My favorite fairy tail is Tiny
Tim and the Seven Dwarfs.
(dramatic orchestral music)
- Once again, dear friends,
it's time for the Flying
Fickle Finger of Fate Award,
and I would...
What are you looking at?
- Well, with a face like that,
you never could play
Big League Baseball.
- Thanks a lot.
What do my looks have
to do with playing baseball?
- Well, it's the mustache.
You see, according to the
Major League general managers,
no one who wears a
mustache, a beard, or sideburns,
will be allowed
to play baseball.
- Well that's the most
asinine thing I ever heard.
Even Abner Doubleday who
invented the game had sideburns.
- Tish-Tosh.
- Tish-Tosh?
- Tish-Tosh.
- No, sideburns.
- No sir, he won't be allowed
to play anymore either.
- Well in that case,
there's no question at all
who gets this week's
delightful digit award up.
General managers of
America's national pastime,
you have stuck out again.
- That's right, no runs,
no hits, and one big error.
- Hello, hello, hello.
Tune in next week folks,
when the Flying
Fickle Finger of Fate
or the Friendly Phalange as
we say in the medical game,
goes to New York
City's Teacher's Union
and public school system,
for their invention of the
12 month summer vacation.
(audience laughs)
- Tell me, have you ever been
summoned to Ceasar's Palace?
- No, but I just got four
weeks at The Sands.
(audience laughs)
- Sanford Beebis firmly believed
that time is money.
Although Sanford
couldn't save money,
he did have a
knack for saving time.
(audience laughs)
So Sanford managed to
save a few minutes every day,
until he had saved
up the tidy sum
of three months and four days.
Then, he opened an office.
Here he rented time
to elderly couples
who took a little
longer doing things
and needed the extra time.
At years end, Sanford had
made a net profit of 58 weeks.
Sanford had never spent
a moment's time on himself
until that day when he
met a redheaded divorcee.
She invited him
to her apartment.
That evening,
Sanford spent a total
of eight years and
eleven months.
He was not only broke,
but over 24 hours in
debt to a cab driver.
Today, Sanford can
be found on skid row,
a broken shell of a man
shuffling up to
passers by and asking...
- Hey buddy, could
you spare a minute?
Oh boy, 73 seconds!
- What a wasted day.
First we saddle up the mice,
then you told me you forgot
how to turn them into horses.
- I'm sorry.
- Okay.
(fairies laughing)
- That's not funny.
(audience laughs)
- How long is your
mother gonna stay with us?
- My mother?
I thought she was your mother!
(upbeat music)
- Trip.
- I'm sick and tired of people
saying nasty things
about advertising.
Without advertising,
my husband would never have seen
that advertisement to
get his own pet python,
or the ad that I saw to buy
the mongoose to kill that python
when it ate my husband.
So thanks to you people
in the advertising business,
and thanks to that python, too.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat music)
(retro music)
- You know, television
is really getting freer.
Five years ago you
couldn't say (tweeting)
without having it censored.
(audience laughs)
- You know, my people
aren't really fighting to be free,
we're fighting to be paid.
(retro music)
- In Russia, we've always
had freedom of expression.
The government is free
to say anything it wants.
(retro music)
- Boris is a great believer
in the four freedoms,
free speech, free lunch,
free love, and free loading.
(retro music)
- If the Good Lord
didn't intend us
to think naughty thoughts,
then why did he
give us confetti?
(retro music)
- If there's really free
speech in this country,
how come nobody
will let me say yes?
(retro music)
- Oh yeah, hey, I understand
that the Doris Day movies
under the new rating system
are classified as unfit
for mature audiences.
- They started the
European version
of Doris Day movie
at Berkeley last week.
She wasn't nude,
but the audience was.
(audience laughs)
- Alan, go to your room.
(retro music)
- Well America is still
the land of liberties.
- Speaking of liberties,
what do you say we go to
my place and take some?
(retro music)
- Our forefathers
came to America
to find freedom of religion.
Nowadays, America is
about as free of religion
as you can get.
(audience laughs) (retro music)
- Goldie, what do you
think of free speech?
- Well, you have to
admit the price is right.
(retro music)
- Nudity is the latest thing
on the New York stage now.
Too bad it didn't come
in a couple of weeks ago
when I still had my figure.
(retro music)
- The Sexual Freedom League
may not have all the answers,
but at least they're
groping for them.
(retro music)
(applause)
(goofy music)
- [Tarzan] Ahhh, ahhh!
- We've got to stop
meeting like this.
Tarzan is getting suspicious.
- Don't go away folks.
We'll be right back.
See, I told you
we'd be right back.
You hear it here
it's the truth, boy.
Hey, you know Dick, I've
been reading about cryonics.
You know anything
about cryonics?
- Yes, I took two before dinner.
- Before you embarrass yourself,
that's the amazing theory
concerning frozen people.
- Oh yeah, mine are marvelous.
(audience laughs)
- Your what are marvelous?
- My frozen people, I
have two dozen, all ladies.
- You have two
dozen frozen ladies?
- Yep, they're
called chick-cicles.
- That's the silliest
thing I ever heard.
- You wanna stop
over after the show
for a couple of cold ones?
(audience laughs)
- Come on, you
really expect anybody
to believe this nonsense.
- It's not nonsense,
they're very convenient.
Just heat until thawed and
serve at room temperature.
- I don't wanna hear it.
Nothing says loving like
someone from the oven
- And now direct from
Dick Martin's deep freeze,
it's pot pourri time.
Come in Dick, I'm freezing.
- Reggie, Reggie,
you can't fly today!
- But I must fly.
The squadron needs me.
Curse you von Richtoven.
- But Reggie, you can't
fly with that bad arm!
- Yes I can, yes I can.
- Judy, have you ever tried
Tebet's new dehydrated
food products?
- No Ruth, I haven't.
- Well, they're just
marvelous, watch.
Just put in a little
bit of this here,
and then you add
just a little water,
and stir, watch.
- Ah-La-La.
(audience laughs)
Thanks lady, I fell in
the tank at the factory.
Can you believe it?
My Walnetto is still ticking,
which only proves
that after a good licking,
a Walnetto keeps
ticking. (laughs)
A you're adorable
B you're so beautiful
C you're a cuticle No, cuticle.
(audience laughs)
A you're... A, B, C...
ABC expect after E
then 28 has September,
except in leap year.
- If a refugee is one
who takes refuge,
and a divorcee is one
who has been divorced,
what can be said for
the Connecticut Yankee?
(audience laughs)
- Cleopatra, what is the
significance of the state
that huge lion
carved in granite?
- Well, it represents the first
Egyptian cat to get stoned.
- Well, I see you got the
new car and television set.
- Yes, time payment
is really great.
You put a small amount
down, you get eight years to pay.
- Well yes, you see we're doing
that with the
house and the boat,
and all I can say
is thank heaven
for those time
payments, you know?
- Yeah, okay then.
We'll see you next week.
- Next week.
- Bye-Bye.
- Why I Can't Stand
Grief by Henry Gibson.
I can't stand grief
because it doesn't
give us enough time
to attend to our chores.
Well, take for
example the hurricane,
which always seems to happen
just as we're getting
in the bathtub.
In addition, there
are the plagues.
But most of all it
is those disasters,
which befall us willy
nilly, such as splinters.
There are no good griefs.
(audience laughs)
- Colorado River Rapids,
boating in Number 304.
When canoeing down the
dangerous Colorado River Rapids,
if you look up and see
a boat, you're drowning.
(audience laughs)
(mumbling)
- She loves me (mumbles).
(audience laughs)
Aren't you gonna
give me a little nibble?
(audience laughs)
(audience laughs)
Would you like to see
a genuine old master?
Would you like to see a
genuine first edition? (laughs)
(audience laughs)
Would you like to see
a genuine old lump?
(audience laughs)
(upbeat music)
- Smack.
(upbeat music)
(violin music)
- Mr. Berling?
(laughs) I just think
you're a wonderful man.
I think you're wonderful.
- You do?
- Yeah.
- Gee, thanks Goldie.
And you're so cute.
Say, how about after the show
you and I going out to dinner?
- Yeah, I don't see
any harm in that.
- Oh, I wish you could.
(audience laughs)
- Blow in my ear, I'll
follow you anywhere.
- You know, my doctor tells me
that I have the body
of a 70 year old,
but I think I'll have
to give her up.
- Doctor Fisher
is such a nice boy.
It's a shame he never marries.
- I suggest you look that up
in your Funk and Wagnalls.
(violin playing)
You know, Georgie
Jessel is going out
to entertain the troops.
He's asked for the same
itinerary as the last time,
Bull Run, Gettysburg,
and Valley Forge.
(audience laughs)
- That's not funny.
- If Fritz Weaver shared
a beer with Mitzi Gaynor,
Hollywood columnists would say,
"Mitzi and Fritz
Splits Schlitz."
(audience laughs)
- I hear they have new
drive in confessionals,
toot and tell?
(audience laughs)
- Very interesting,
darling. (laughs)
(goofy music)
- Now that's funny.
(audience laughs)
- We got a nice hole there.
- [Nurse] Try this one.
- Aaaah, oom-gow-ah
Jane, oom-gow-ah.
- Oh watch it, wise guy!
I just found out
oom-gow-ah means yeng-ta.
(audience laughs)
- Now tap him with
your wand sister fairy,
and he'll become a prince.
(fairy laughs)
- Oh! (thud)
- That's terrible.
Where were you a fairy before?
- Chicago.
(audience laughs)
- What's for dinner, Calpurnia?
- Roast suckling pig,
spices from Sam-mer-cam,
hummingbird from cafe,
and wine from Persia.
- (groans) Wouldn't you know,
that's what I had for lunch!
(audience laughs)
- Caesar, go to your room.
(audience laughs)
- Well folks, it's
time to bring out
our discovery of the week.
- Boy have I got
a goodie for you.
- You got one?
- A classical musician.
- A real virtuoso.
- I don't know, I've
never been out with one.
- Who is this gentleman?
- This gentleman is a lady.
- Oh.
- She came all the
way from New Guinea
to audition for the beautiful
downtown Burbank symphony.
- From the sublime
to the ridiculous, huh?
- Well, if you'll cease
making light of the fine arts,
I'd like to present our
discovery of the week.
- Whatever turns you on.
- We'll talk about that later.
Right now, I'd like to present
our discovery of the week.
- I think it must be time
for him to present the
discovery of the week, folks.
- Pish posh.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the symphonic fingers
of Miss Samantha Lloyd.
(applause) (drumroll)
- One, two, three.
(drumbeat)
(audience laughs)
- Two, one.
(drumbeat)
(audience laughs) (applause)
- All right, let's
hear it out there!
Arthur, Arthur, keep
those crowds back!
Keep those crowds back!
More policemen!
(audience laughs) Oh,
wasn't that sensational?
Did you like her booms?
(audience laughs)
My God.
Samantha Lloyd,
this is Dan Rowan.
Dan, this is Samantha Lloyd.
I call her Sam.
- What else would you call her?
- Fools the desk
clerks now and then.
(audience laughs)
- Is that all she does?
- I certainly hope not.
(audience laughs)
Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo.
- Certainly has a
good sense of rhythm.
- Well, I certainly hope so.
Come along, girl.
We must take Baby home.
Oh, boom, boom.
- That's Dick's
discovery for tonight.
Of course, she's no Tiny
Tim, but neither is he.
(audience laughs)
- Okay Secret Code fans,
it's time for another amazing
secret message on Laugh-In.
Remember, each number
signifies a letter of the alphabet.
Secret Code things ready?
Here we go.
1, 4, 18, 5, 12, 2.
Clue, it is something
Kirk Douglas
found in his dressing room.
(audience laughs)
- Judy?
- Yeah, Gold.
- I hate to tell you this,
but it's sock it to me time.
- That's okay, Goldie.
This time I'm really ready
for that blooming bucket,
so go on, sock it to me.
- Okay.
(metallic bang)
(audience laughs)
- Thanks, you
little blonde yo-yo.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
(thud)
I'm gonna go to my room.
- Jester, the queen caught
me with a kitchen wench.
She fairly wreaks with anger.
Make her laugh.
- Ha, I have just
the trick, sire.
(splash)
- That's not funny.
- Then how about this one?
- (laughs) Now
that's funny! (laughs)
- Queenie!
Down to your room!
(splash)
A-Ba-Daba-Daba-
Daba-Daba-Daba-Daba
Said the monkey to
the Oh come on, Joanne!
This is my big number.
Cut it out.
That's not funny.
- Hark.
Yon Cassius has a
lean and hungry look.
- Yeah, but don't
call him Cassius.
From now on it's Mohammad Ali.
- Oh, I didn't know
that. (audience laughs)
- Oh yeah, baby.
- As a horticulturist, I'm
simply mad about pansies.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, I like this is
a crazy Zsa Zsa.
- Everybody is entitled
to one little hangup.
- He doesn't know.
He's never even
been out with one.
(audience laughs)
- Ring my chimes.
- Hello, hello, hello. (laughs)
If Debbie Reynolds
married Cockadoodledoo,
her name would be Debbie Doodoo.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat music)
- Cockadoodle doo!
(upbeat music)
(goofy music)
- Scissors.
What do you think, Nurse?
- Perfect for their
present. (audience laughs)
- Oh Tarzan!
You mean you had
that much trouble
getting a new loincloth?
- Loincloth!
I thought you said lion cloth.
(audience laughs)
- Go to your tree.
- [Fairies] Buzz, buzz, buzz,
buzz, buzz, buzz,
buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz...
- Are you a fairy?
- No, I'm more like a brownie.
(audience laughs)
- Well Dick, tonight
Laugh-In solutes labor.
- Yep, good old
Aunt Ginger, ha-ha.
- Oh, your Aunt Ginger is
involved in labor, is she?
- Constantly, 12
kids in 11 months.
- I'm not talking about
that kind of labor.
I'm talking about
organized labor
where the workers
all band together.
- Just like my aunt and uncle.
- I'm talking about unions.
- That's them all right.
- They meant labor
unions, you ding-a-ling.
- Well I know that.
- All right.
- I used to belong
to the National Federation
of Fortune Cookie Folders.
- You worked in a Chinese
fortune cookie factory?
- You bet your
sweet and sour bippy.
- [Dan] Sweet and sour bippy.
- I was just the
head writer, that's all.
- Wrote a lot of
funny fortunes, huh?
- I was a regular
egg-fu-yung-man.
- Oh, oh. (audience laughs)
Bet you were, are.
- I also came up with
the first fortune cookie
with a foldout photograph,
hmm, hmm, hmm.
- I don't think I
wanna hear about it.
- 14 provocative poses
of Madam Ho Chi Minh
and a side car of a Lady Yamaha.
- I'm sure I don't
wanna hear about it.
- Or was it 90 provocative
poses and a Yamaha 250?
- Are you finished?
- Yamaha hee-hee.
How about a Yama-ho?
- How about a go
to your room, Dick,
while the rest of us...
- Yama (spits)
(audience laughs)
The rest of us are gonna
solute organized labor.
I'm gonna get you for that.
(retro music)
- [Picketers] Picket,
picket, picket, picket.
Labor and management
should try to get together
Labor and management
should try to compromise
Labor is money mad
and always wanting raises
Management is so unfair
We barely live
on what it pays us
Labor and management
should talk the whole thing over
Labor and management
should try to make amends
But L wants a paycheck hike
Or M will get another strike
Labor and management
will never be good friends
- I know the
employment situation.
After all, I am in labor.
- You call the doctor.
I'll get the hot water.
(audience laughs)
- You know, I was disappointed
when the union brought
us to the marketing tables.
I didn't see any bargains.
- Labor is organized about
like downtown Burbank.
Management can be quite nice
Of course it all depends
L working longer hours
M asserting stronger powers
Labor and management
will never be good friends
- You know, the best thing
about the eight hour day
is that it gives us
a 16 hour night.
- My boyfriend
believes in open shop,
why, he opened
one just last night.
Labor and management
should try to get together
Labor and management
should try to make amends
L tells it like it is
M says the truth is bad for biz
Labor and management
(Picketers singing)
Labor and management
will never be good friends
- [Male Picketer] Strike,
strike, strike, strike!
(applause)
- Go to work!
- I've been mopping
floors for this company
for 33 years, and
I would like to say
that I definitely
need a new mop.
(audience laughs) So I
asked my union, I said,
"What are you
going to do about it?
- As your union boss,
I'm gonna make management
give you a three day workweek,
a 40% pay increase,
and get you old cleaning lady
some basketball equipment.
(audience laughs)
What do you say about
that, management?
- With your
indulgence, Mr. Fukes,
I'll tell you what I say.
The cost of materials and
taxes have gone up 25%,
and that means you're
gonna get nothing.
- Hold it, I'm the
federal mediator.
Now look, the
union goes on strike,
the workers lose
their life savings,
and if management doesn't
give in, they go bankrupt.
So the perfect solution is
to reject the union demands,
and at the same time
give the workers what
they want, right Mom?
- What the heck.
I'll buy me own mop.
Besides, I hate basketballs.
(audience laughs)
(retro music)
(somber music)
(whistle blows)
- All right, break it up.
That's an illegal picket line
Men, break 'em up.
(audience laughs)
- [Male Voice] Strike!
(audience laughs)
Strike!
(audience laughs)
Strike!
(thuds) (audience laughs)
- Many labor leaders go onto
bigger things like Sing Sing,
Leavenworth, Joliette.
(retro music)
- Mr. Walker,
some of the big players in the
new movie have a complaint.
It seems they were
issued the wrong costumes.
They couldn't be
used in today's scenes,
and they still
insist on being paid.
- I'll handle it.
Send 'em in.
- Yes.
Come on in everyone.
Mr. Walker, I believe
you know Vera Gordon
and her (mumbles), Jolene Bran.
- Well, what's the problem?
- [Actress] What do
you mean problem?
(actresses shouting)
- Hold it, hold it, hold it,
hold it chicken,
will you hold it?
Let the rabbit talk.
- Now look, you gave
us these costumes.
Now why can't we work?
Hmm, why?
- I've got a moldy
rabbit, a (mumbles),
a frog, a big chicken,
and look at this horse.
This is the invasion
of Czechoslovakia!
(actresses shouting)
Hold it, that's enough!
We can't use you.
You're not being paid,
that's it, okay, that's it.
I'll be back in a minute.
- Boy, I'd like to
tell him what I think,
but I don't dare.
- Me neither.
- Well, I'd like to tell him,
but you know, right, you know?
- [Horse] There must be some way
we can tell him what he is.
- [Actress] Yeah, boy.
- Well, well, I guess
it's all up to you.
(audience laughs)
(retro music)
- The first union was marriage,
and that's when people found
out what union grievances were.
(laughs)
- [Male Voice] Strike!
- We live in a society
that is becoming more and
more unionized every day.
The question is
what areas will the
unions invade next?
(audience laughs)
- Now remember men,
I won't start firing till
I see their right flank.
Hammerhan, you
don't start firing
till you see they're left flank.
And you Hahn,
you don't start firing
till you pay your union dues.
(audience laughs)
Here comes the
commanding general.
- You solute in order, Sergeant.
I am the commanding general.
- Yes sir, but I'm
the shop steward.
- Oh, that's right.
All right.
- Now, Sergeant,
here's your orders.
I want... Hand grenade!
- Well, pick it up!
Throw it back!
- I can't do that, General.
I'm a sniper.
Why, the union
could fine me $200
for picking up that grenade.
(audience laughs)
- (soldiers
shouting) (explosion)
(telephone rings)
- We're trying to
get better wages
and you come along and goof it.
- Hello?
The enemy is what?
We're in trouble.
Men, I've got bad news for you.
The enemy is non-union.
(audience laughs)
Now Hammerhan, it's up to you.
- Well, I can't go out there.
I could get killed.
- Hammerhan!
- Hammerhan, you have no choice!
It's your duty!
Get out there!
(audience laughs)
- We can't win
this war picketing.
Somebody's gotta shoot.
Oh, never mind.
I'll get the mortar.
Hello, mortar crew.
- I'm gonna pack.
- Mortar crew!
(audience laughs)
Here I hate it, I've
always hated it.
(audience laughs)
Good news, men.
The war is over.
Peace has been declared.
- Peace?
- Peace?
- You can't do that.
You'll put three
million men out of work.
What kind of thing is
that? (audience laughs)
Call it peace with all
that unemployment?
Men, let's strike!
- No, I'm leaving.
I really hate it.
(audience laughs)
(fire siren)
(bang)
(horn blows)
- Sandy.
- Well, that's our show, Dick.
And would you like to
attempt a summation?
- No thanks.
I already have a date.
I'm taking a virtuoso
lady to a concert.
- Is she gonna beat her drum?
(audience laughs)
- I'll tell you the truth.
I was kinda hoping
she'd ring my chimes.
(audience laughs)
- Say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Whatever turns you on.
- Who is Dick?
- And just to start
the new year right,
why don't you let me
announce next week's show
without any further
interruptions?
- Fine, go right ahead.
- Okay with you?
- Yeah.
- Oh, splendid.
- I checked with
my aunt earlier,
and she said it was all right.
(audience laughs)
- You're ubiquitous aunt?
- Yes.
Oh no, she's Presbyterian.
- Oh. (audience laughs)
- She got into a lot of
trouble about 14 years ago.
- "Your aunt got in trouble
14 years ago?" he asked.
(audience laughs)
- Yeah, she was
trapped in a plastic barrel
going over the Niagara Falls
with the Sons of the Pioneers.
(audience laughs)
- She's a musical daredevil.
- Isn't she?
She didn't get wet at
all, but they get all wet.
- They get all wet?
- The Sons of the
Pioneers got all wet,
Bob Nolan, the
Sons of the Pioneers.
- All those guys?
- Yeah.
All day I faced the barren West
- Go like this and say, "Wrong."
- Say goodnight, Dick,
and go to your room.
- Goodnight, Dick.
Go to your room.
(applause)
- You know, I think
I've got arthritis.
- What makes you think so?
- Well, I don't know.
I just feel it in my bones.
(audience laughs)
- If I hear any more
about mental health,
I think I'll go crazy.
(audience laughs)
- Hey, anybody
know what Brutus said
when he was
asked to kill Caesar?
- Yeah, he said,
"I'll take a stab at it."
(audience laughs)
- I think a girl should
marry before she's 25
no matter how old she is.
(audience laughs)
- Dick, I've lost so
much weight lately
you can feel my ribs.
- No thanks, I'm
trying to cut down.
(audience laughs)
- Chelsea?
- Yes.
- I was born in New York but
I went to school in California.
- Oh Dave, I've heard of
busing, but that's ridiculous.
(audience laughs)
- Hey Al, what did your
father do before he died?
- He went (gags).
(audience laughs)
- Arte!
(Arte groans)
What's an operetta?
- I don't know, but I
think it goes (gags).
- You know, my father
died the same way. (gags)
(audience laughs)
- Guess what?
I caught my boyfriend necking.
- Oh, I caught
mine the same way.
(audience laughs)
- Hey, Dan.
- What is it you want, Dave?
- My wife is complaining
'cause I keep going
(gags) in my sleep.
What should I do?
- I didn't know
you were married.
- Heart, lungs, kidneys,
oh, how I hate
those organ recitals.
(audience laughs)
- Little Judy!
- Dick!
- Yes, who was it that
said, "No man is an island."
- Well, it certainly wasn't
Aristotle Onassis (laughs).
(audience laughs)
(Goldie laughs)
- If you subtract 86 from
96, what's the difference?
- Well, who's gonna water
it when you're out of town?
(audience laughs)
- My father once said (gags)
(chattering)
(horn blows)
- Sorry I'm late.
I overslept again.
That kid is driving me crazy.
- About time, my
arthritis is killing me.
- Oh yeah? (audience laughs)
- You got it?
- Yeah.
Martha and I watched
The Late Show last night.
It was really loud.
(audience laughs)
- I'll see you in the morning.
- Okay.
(audience laughs)
(goofy music)
(audience laughs)
(thuds)
(audience laughs)
- Aaah!
- Aaah!
- We move to bigger tree.
Jane take cheetah.
Tarzan take food.
Boy take bags.
Boy?
Boy?
- I'm coming, (mumbles).
- That ought to light
up the old switchboard.
(audience laughs)
(buzzer)
- Hello, NBC, beautiful
downtown Burbank.
You say you're
offended by that last joke?
Yes, I know.
It does seem like a small
part, but it's very well paid.
(audience laughs)
- All right, sister fairies.
Now out with it.
Which one of you
is the evil gnome?
(audience laughs)
- Wanna see my
enchanted Walnetto?
(audience laughs)
- This show has been prerecorded
and will be seen
earlier last week.
- Very interesting, but I
think I missed something.
What happened after
that strange sick peacock
went (imitates vomiting)
(audience laughs)
Sweet dreams, Lucy honey.
You too, Gary.
And to all of you
ding-a-lings on Peyton Place,
keep it up and maybe your
bird will go (imitates vomiting).
(audience laughs)
(squeaking) (kids laughing)
(light clapping)
(beeping)
following program
is brought to you in
living color on NBC.
- I say a girl's most
treasured possession
is her transmission.
(audience laughs)
- You bet your sweet bippy.
- You know Zsa
Zsa bet her bippy,
but I'm sure you
all heard about that.
- You know, once I bet
my bippy and lost, twice.
- How does that
grab you, sports fans?
(audience laughs)
- Poor baby.
He should get his
transmission fixed.
- Tarzan love Jane.
Nothing ever take
him away from her.
Stay in jungle.
Rest of life together.
Ah, ah.
- Tarzan, I have splendid news.
I've just discovered that
you're really Lord Gracetow,
one of England's wealthiest men
and owner of the
Grand Gracetow Castle.
- Oh listen Jane, if
you're ever in England,
do give us a buzz.
Ta-ta.
(audience laughs)
- Ta-Ta.
(goofy music)
- My girdle is killing me.
(fairies laughing
and chattering)
- Guess what!
- [Fairies] What?
- Last night I lost a dime,
and this morning I found
a tooth under my pillow.
(fairies laughing)
- [Fairies] You silly thing.
- All right men,
we're moving out,
and I say it's gonna be
pretty rough out there,
but when the chips are down
always remember
those inspiring words
they taught us
when we were kids.
Ready?
- [Soldiers] The
itsy bitsy spider
climbed up the water spout.
- Very interesting.
So that's how they did it,
the old itsy bitsy
spider bit, huh?
(audience laughs)
- And now from
the squeezing room
of the beautiful
downtown Burbank
Great Fruit Delight Factory,
NBC brings you Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In,
starring your two
favorite squirts,
Dan Rowan and Dick Martin,
with guest stars Eddie
Rochester Anderson,
Buster Crabbe, George
Jessel, Spiro Agnew,
Zsa Zsa Gabor, Jonathan
Winters, and tonight only
the parts of Zero Mostel will
be played by Arte Johnson,
Judy Carne.
Other parts of Zero
Mostel with Ruth Buzzi,
Henry Gibson, Goldie Hawn,
Dave Madden, Alan Sues,
and Jo Anne Worley
appearing in the title role.
- And me, Chelsea Brown,
your token of the week.
- Plus, yours truly, Gary Owens,
appearing for the first time
as Morgle, The Friendly Drobe.
But first, a paid,
solicited testimonial.
(goofy music)
As you remember,
we left Tom Swift
reaching for his electric
drum in an effort to beat it
just as the poker game
ended with the cry,
"I've got a pair!"
That pair turned out to be Dick
and Dan, and here they were.
(applause)
- Well, what would you like
to talk about tonight, Gracie?
- Well lately I've been giving
a great deal of sober thought
to the rising incidence
of computer dating
and the serious
impersonal problems
which can arise therefrom.
- Gees, you almost
did it all right,
and I'm just thrilled to hear
that you're not being
frivolous for a change.
Well, we're gonna
have a nice here...
What do you think
of computer dating?
- I don't know.
I have never been out with one.
- Drat.
I fell for the old, "I've
been giving sober thought
"to the computer
dating system problem."
- Ploy.
- Ploy, yeah.
All right, you
know what ploy is?
- Yeah, that's a thing
you eat with your finger...
- I don't wanna hear about it.
Then you wouldn't date a
girl selected by a computer.
Is that what you're
trying to tell...
- Not on your sweet bippy.
- Why not?
- Well, because you're
not allowed to fold,
spindle, or otherwise bend them.
- I'll bet you don't even know
how computer dating works.
- Oh yeah, well
I bet I don't know
how a computing dater works.
- Well, your outstanding
characteristics
are punched onto an IBM card.
- You're putting me on.
- No, and then your card
is fed into an IBM machine
with a lot of
other girls' cards...
- Yeah, baby.
- And then it's just
a simple matter
of matching up
your perforations.
(audience laughs)
And then...
- What will they think of next?
- And then, "Let me
continue," he said,
"And through a carefully
controlled electronic process
"the machine selects the
girl best suited for you, sir."
- "Well, I've got a better
idea," he retaliated.
- "Oh but," he questioned.
- Suppose you invite a girl
to your apartment for cocktils.
- [Dan] For cocktails.
- Yes.
- Yes.
- Then, with the lights down
low and soft music playing,
you take her little
head in your hands
and you start to
give her a little kiss.
- Wait a minute, hold on sir.
I believe you're onto
something, wacker.
- I certainly was.
- When?
- Well I was having...
- I don't wanna...
Well, you're invited, too.
- You wanna go to the party?
(retro music)
- You know, I'm positive
there's no such thing as ESP.
- Well what makes
you so sure, Goldie?
- Well, I feel it in my bones.
(retro music)
- Things have really
changed on the campus.
For instance at Columbia,
ROTC now stands for
Recapture Our Twenty Classrooms.
(retro music)
- In Russia, they're proud
for to have it People's Army.
The only trouble is the
government has got a bigger army.
(retro music)
- Oh, I had a horrible
nightmare last night.
I dreamed I was at a party,
stark naked, and
somebody else came in
wearing exactly
the same thing off.
(audience laughs)
- I think I approve
of the group therapy
sessions in the nude.
I think it'll get people
to see each other's
problems more clearly.
(audience laughs)
(retro music)
- I'm not paying
my taxes this year.
That way, at least one
man will be after me.
(retro music)
- My boyfriend served
two years in Vietnam
and never saw a South
Vietnamese soldier,
but then he spent all
his time at the front.
(retro music)
Hey, I hear the
President's family
is having trouble getting
settled in the White House.
Mrs. Nixon is still
trying to figure out
how to get the barbecue
pit out of the Oval Room.
(retro music)
- The church is
not so out of date.
We've been singing
soul music for years.
(retro music)
- I was shocked when I saw
The Killing of Sister George.
Well, it's the first time
I ever saw a movie
where the heroine got the girl.
(retro music)
- If the black people
are supposed to have
such a great sense of rhythm,
then how come they
have so many children?
(retro music)
- My crowd at college
believes that in a few years,
the laws regarding marijuana
will be much more lenient.
Personally, as far as I'm
concerned, the sky is the limit.
(retro music)
- Goldie, what do you
think about Liz and Dick
wanting to do
Fiddler on the Roof?
- Well, why not?
They've done it everywhere else.
(audience laughs)
(retro music)
(applause)
(violin playing)
- Don't tell my wife, Mary
Livingston, you saw me here.
She thinks I'm at
the American Legion
watching a stag movie.
- Whatever turns you on.
- We're thinking of doing
a less violent version
of the Boston Strangler.
They're gonna call it
The Fire Island Tweaker.
(audience laughs)
- Of course I like Milton Berle.
As a matter of fact, we
go to the same dress maid.
- Ever since Some Like It Hot,
somebody has been sending
me tickets for the drag races.
- Look that up in your
Funk and Wagnalls.
(goofy music)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
the real Zero Mostel.
- Due to the unfortunate
lack of a power blackout,
you will now see
the Laugh-In News.
Oy vey.
(audience laughs)
(rhythmic music)
What's the news
across the nation?
We have got the information
In a way we (mumbles)
We just love to
give you our view
La-Dah-Dee-Dah (girls singing)
- [Girls] Here's Dan.
(applause)
- And now for the
news of the present,
here's the man who the news
wouldn't be the news
without the news?
Here's Dicky.
(applause) (upbeat music)
- Hi, Big Dick here.
(audience laughs)
Featurette.
Report from the
newlyweds this morning,
Mrs. Jackie Onassis
sent her husband out
to get some American newspapers.
He bought the New York
Times, Baltimore Sun,
and is still negotiating
for the Chicago Tribune.
- Everybody is entitled
to one enormous hangup.
- And this from
the nation's capital.
Mrs. Shirley Chisholm,
the America's first
negro congresswomen,
arrived in Washington today.
She was greeted by 16
Southern representatives
who politely escorted her
to the halls of Congress,
where she was given a warm
welcome, a mop and a bucket.
(audience laughs)
And now, take it away, Goldie!
(drum roll)
- And now with the news of
the future 20 years from now,
here's the news whom the man
wouldn't be the past
without the now... (laughs)
Here's Dan.
- That's the most beautiful
thing I ever heard, Goldie.
- Well, I can do
it when I want to.
- Terrific.
- Pennsylvania 1989,
the new atomic powered cars
proved extremely durable today
when two of them collided
on the Pennsylvania Turnpike.
Damage was confined to part
of the fender half of a bumper
and most of downtown Pittsburgh.
(audience laughs)
Hollywood 1989.
Screen Actor's Guild president
Charleton Heston the Fourth
today announced a strike
against all 27 major networks.
The Guild is demanding
that every show on television
include at least
one white actor,
and that the white
actors be allowed
to play porters and servants
instead of constantly
being typecast
as brain surgeons
and bank presidents.
(audience laughs)
Here's Rona.
- And now for our
news of the past,
Laugh-In roams back
to the Imperial Gardens
of Julius Caesar. (laughs)
- Hail Brutus, we
are all assembled.
- Good Cassius.
Have we all our knives?
- Yes.
- Excellent.
Bear this in mind.
We are in this together,
but soft, Caesar approaches.
- Hail, fellow Romans.
- Hail, mighty Caesar.
Now.
(guitar strumming)
(Romans singing)
- Our news fans, these are
the top stories to this hour,
Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs,
Myra Breckinridge, and Hey
Lady, Your Sign Fell Down.
We'll have the details
in just a moment.
- And now for the sports,
here's our debonair man
about the locker room,
that old sweat sock
himself, Alan Sues.
- Hi, sports fans.
Big Al here.
Featurette.
I just got word from the
International Leap Frog finals,
and it's a scandal, scandal.
Greek champion Spiros Nern
was kicked out
of the mix doubles
for illegal use of hands.
Oh, fowl, fowl
Spiros, you wild devil.
What's the matter with me?
Ta-ta.
- Well, that's our news
for tonight, right Eric?
- Right Kermit,
and if you enjoyed what you saw,
please signify by
raising your hands.
Well, one guy in
Flint, Michigan liked it.
(audience laughs)
(goofy music)
- Sandal is undone if you
want me to hold that for you.
Oh, oh, oh!
(loud thud)
- Put him to sleep, Nurse.
(thud)
(birds tweeting)
- Drink.
The wine will give us courage.
- Hi guys!
Ah, ah, ah, ah.
Why do I always get
stuck for the drinks?
- Oh, sister fairies,
sister fairies, guess what!
- [Fairies] What?
(fairy laughs)
- I just turned a
frog into a prince.
(fairies laugh)
Well, almost.
Henry, straighten up.
You're too short
as it is, honey.
(upbeat music)
- Turtles.
(upbeat music)
- Henry, Henry,
Henry, look at me.
Henry, you have
nothing to cry about.
You have nothing...
You're a big star now.
You have three cars, a home,
all the money you need.
- Yeah, but what you
don't know is back home
I have a poor old
mother who's starving.
(sobbing)
(goofy music)
- Scalpel.
- Scalpel.
(laughing)
- Good night, Dave.
- Good night, Chip.
(fairy sobbing)
- I just washed my wand
and I can't do a thing with it.
(fairies sobbing)
- Caesar!
The Huns come from the North,
the Mongols from the East,
the Barbarians from the
West, what shall we do?
- I guess we better send
out for some cheese dip
and we'll need some
sandwiches for that crowd.
(audience laughs)
- Alan, go to your room.
- Yeah, you're right.
(audience laughs)
- Hi, I'm Tony Curtis,
and I play the Boston Strangler.
- I'm all choked up.
- Well, whatever
turns you on, Sweety.
(audience laughs)
(violin playing)
- You know, the
violin was my first love.
- Oh, I don't care if I'm
your second love, Spindo.
I'll wait for you forever.
(audience laughs)
(violin playing)
- Blow in his ear, he'll
follow you anywhere.
- What am I doing here?
I could be at a funeral
enjoying myself.
(audience laughs)
- That's the worst John
Wayne impression I ever saw.
- Oh, you starred in the
Boston Strangler, didn't you?
Well, it's very exciting
to meet the man who forcibly
made love to 14 women.
- My pleasure.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
- You know, I keep my
life savings in a money belt.
I call it the First
National Trust.
- He's a better person for that.
- Now that's funny.
- My favorite fairy tail is Tiny
Tim and the Seven Dwarfs.
(dramatic orchestral music)
- Once again, dear friends,
it's time for the Flying
Fickle Finger of Fate Award,
and I would...
What are you looking at?
- Well, with a face like that,
you never could play
Big League Baseball.
- Thanks a lot.
What do my looks have
to do with playing baseball?
- Well, it's the mustache.
You see, according to the
Major League general managers,
no one who wears a
mustache, a beard, or sideburns,
will be allowed
to play baseball.
- Well that's the most
asinine thing I ever heard.
Even Abner Doubleday who
invented the game had sideburns.
- Tish-Tosh.
- Tish-Tosh?
- Tish-Tosh.
- No, sideburns.
- No sir, he won't be allowed
to play anymore either.
- Well in that case,
there's no question at all
who gets this week's
delightful digit award up.
General managers of
America's national pastime,
you have stuck out again.
- That's right, no runs,
no hits, and one big error.
- Hello, hello, hello.
Tune in next week folks,
when the Flying
Fickle Finger of Fate
or the Friendly Phalange as
we say in the medical game,
goes to New York
City's Teacher's Union
and public school system,
for their invention of the
12 month summer vacation.
(audience laughs)
- Tell me, have you ever been
summoned to Ceasar's Palace?
- No, but I just got four
weeks at The Sands.
(audience laughs)
- Sanford Beebis firmly believed
that time is money.
Although Sanford
couldn't save money,
he did have a
knack for saving time.
(audience laughs)
So Sanford managed to
save a few minutes every day,
until he had saved
up the tidy sum
of three months and four days.
Then, he opened an office.
Here he rented time
to elderly couples
who took a little
longer doing things
and needed the extra time.
At years end, Sanford had
made a net profit of 58 weeks.
Sanford had never spent
a moment's time on himself
until that day when he
met a redheaded divorcee.
She invited him
to her apartment.
That evening,
Sanford spent a total
of eight years and
eleven months.
He was not only broke,
but over 24 hours in
debt to a cab driver.
Today, Sanford can
be found on skid row,
a broken shell of a man
shuffling up to
passers by and asking...
- Hey buddy, could
you spare a minute?
Oh boy, 73 seconds!
- What a wasted day.
First we saddle up the mice,
then you told me you forgot
how to turn them into horses.
- I'm sorry.
- Okay.
(fairies laughing)
- That's not funny.
(audience laughs)
- How long is your
mother gonna stay with us?
- My mother?
I thought she was your mother!
(upbeat music)
- Trip.
- I'm sick and tired of people
saying nasty things
about advertising.
Without advertising,
my husband would never have seen
that advertisement to
get his own pet python,
or the ad that I saw to buy
the mongoose to kill that python
when it ate my husband.
So thanks to you people
in the advertising business,
and thanks to that python, too.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat music)
(retro music)
- You know, television
is really getting freer.
Five years ago you
couldn't say (tweeting)
without having it censored.
(audience laughs)
- You know, my people
aren't really fighting to be free,
we're fighting to be paid.
(retro music)
- In Russia, we've always
had freedom of expression.
The government is free
to say anything it wants.
(retro music)
- Boris is a great believer
in the four freedoms,
free speech, free lunch,
free love, and free loading.
(retro music)
- If the Good Lord
didn't intend us
to think naughty thoughts,
then why did he
give us confetti?
(retro music)
- If there's really free
speech in this country,
how come nobody
will let me say yes?
(retro music)
- Oh yeah, hey, I understand
that the Doris Day movies
under the new rating system
are classified as unfit
for mature audiences.
- They started the
European version
of Doris Day movie
at Berkeley last week.
She wasn't nude,
but the audience was.
(audience laughs)
- Alan, go to your room.
(retro music)
- Well America is still
the land of liberties.
- Speaking of liberties,
what do you say we go to
my place and take some?
(retro music)
- Our forefathers
came to America
to find freedom of religion.
Nowadays, America is
about as free of religion
as you can get.
(audience laughs) (retro music)
- Goldie, what do you
think of free speech?
- Well, you have to
admit the price is right.
(retro music)
- Nudity is the latest thing
on the New York stage now.
Too bad it didn't come
in a couple of weeks ago
when I still had my figure.
(retro music)
- The Sexual Freedom League
may not have all the answers,
but at least they're
groping for them.
(retro music)
(applause)
(goofy music)
- [Tarzan] Ahhh, ahhh!
- We've got to stop
meeting like this.
Tarzan is getting suspicious.
- Don't go away folks.
We'll be right back.
See, I told you
we'd be right back.
You hear it here
it's the truth, boy.
Hey, you know Dick, I've
been reading about cryonics.
You know anything
about cryonics?
- Yes, I took two before dinner.
- Before you embarrass yourself,
that's the amazing theory
concerning frozen people.
- Oh yeah, mine are marvelous.
(audience laughs)
- Your what are marvelous?
- My frozen people, I
have two dozen, all ladies.
- You have two
dozen frozen ladies?
- Yep, they're
called chick-cicles.
- That's the silliest
thing I ever heard.
- You wanna stop
over after the show
for a couple of cold ones?
(audience laughs)
- Come on, you
really expect anybody
to believe this nonsense.
- It's not nonsense,
they're very convenient.
Just heat until thawed and
serve at room temperature.
- I don't wanna hear it.
Nothing says loving like
someone from the oven
- And now direct from
Dick Martin's deep freeze,
it's pot pourri time.
Come in Dick, I'm freezing.
- Reggie, Reggie,
you can't fly today!
- But I must fly.
The squadron needs me.
Curse you von Richtoven.
- But Reggie, you can't
fly with that bad arm!
- Yes I can, yes I can.
- Judy, have you ever tried
Tebet's new dehydrated
food products?
- No Ruth, I haven't.
- Well, they're just
marvelous, watch.
Just put in a little
bit of this here,
and then you add
just a little water,
and stir, watch.
- Ah-La-La.
(audience laughs)
Thanks lady, I fell in
the tank at the factory.
Can you believe it?
My Walnetto is still ticking,
which only proves
that after a good licking,
a Walnetto keeps
ticking. (laughs)
A you're adorable
B you're so beautiful
C you're a cuticle No, cuticle.
(audience laughs)
A you're... A, B, C...
ABC expect after E
then 28 has September,
except in leap year.
- If a refugee is one
who takes refuge,
and a divorcee is one
who has been divorced,
what can be said for
the Connecticut Yankee?
(audience laughs)
- Cleopatra, what is the
significance of the state
that huge lion
carved in granite?
- Well, it represents the first
Egyptian cat to get stoned.
- Well, I see you got the
new car and television set.
- Yes, time payment
is really great.
You put a small amount
down, you get eight years to pay.
- Well yes, you see we're doing
that with the
house and the boat,
and all I can say
is thank heaven
for those time
payments, you know?
- Yeah, okay then.
We'll see you next week.
- Next week.
- Bye-Bye.
- Why I Can't Stand
Grief by Henry Gibson.
I can't stand grief
because it doesn't
give us enough time
to attend to our chores.
Well, take for
example the hurricane,
which always seems to happen
just as we're getting
in the bathtub.
In addition, there
are the plagues.
But most of all it
is those disasters,
which befall us willy
nilly, such as splinters.
There are no good griefs.
(audience laughs)
- Colorado River Rapids,
boating in Number 304.
When canoeing down the
dangerous Colorado River Rapids,
if you look up and see
a boat, you're drowning.
(audience laughs)
(mumbling)
- She loves me (mumbles).
(audience laughs)
Aren't you gonna
give me a little nibble?
(audience laughs)
(audience laughs)
Would you like to see
a genuine old master?
Would you like to see a
genuine first edition? (laughs)
(audience laughs)
Would you like to see
a genuine old lump?
(audience laughs)
(upbeat music)
- Smack.
(upbeat music)
(violin music)
- Mr. Berling?
(laughs) I just think
you're a wonderful man.
I think you're wonderful.
- You do?
- Yeah.
- Gee, thanks Goldie.
And you're so cute.
Say, how about after the show
you and I going out to dinner?
- Yeah, I don't see
any harm in that.
- Oh, I wish you could.
(audience laughs)
- Blow in my ear, I'll
follow you anywhere.
- You know, my doctor tells me
that I have the body
of a 70 year old,
but I think I'll have
to give her up.
- Doctor Fisher
is such a nice boy.
It's a shame he never marries.
- I suggest you look that up
in your Funk and Wagnalls.
(violin playing)
You know, Georgie
Jessel is going out
to entertain the troops.
He's asked for the same
itinerary as the last time,
Bull Run, Gettysburg,
and Valley Forge.
(audience laughs)
- That's not funny.
- If Fritz Weaver shared
a beer with Mitzi Gaynor,
Hollywood columnists would say,
"Mitzi and Fritz
Splits Schlitz."
(audience laughs)
- I hear they have new
drive in confessionals,
toot and tell?
(audience laughs)
- Very interesting,
darling. (laughs)
(goofy music)
- Now that's funny.
(audience laughs)
- We got a nice hole there.
- [Nurse] Try this one.
- Aaaah, oom-gow-ah
Jane, oom-gow-ah.
- Oh watch it, wise guy!
I just found out
oom-gow-ah means yeng-ta.
(audience laughs)
- Now tap him with
your wand sister fairy,
and he'll become a prince.
(fairy laughs)
- Oh! (thud)
- That's terrible.
Where were you a fairy before?
- Chicago.
(audience laughs)
- What's for dinner, Calpurnia?
- Roast suckling pig,
spices from Sam-mer-cam,
hummingbird from cafe,
and wine from Persia.
- (groans) Wouldn't you know,
that's what I had for lunch!
(audience laughs)
- Caesar, go to your room.
(audience laughs)
- Well folks, it's
time to bring out
our discovery of the week.
- Boy have I got
a goodie for you.
- You got one?
- A classical musician.
- A real virtuoso.
- I don't know, I've
never been out with one.
- Who is this gentleman?
- This gentleman is a lady.
- Oh.
- She came all the
way from New Guinea
to audition for the beautiful
downtown Burbank symphony.
- From the sublime
to the ridiculous, huh?
- Well, if you'll cease
making light of the fine arts,
I'd like to present our
discovery of the week.
- Whatever turns you on.
- We'll talk about that later.
Right now, I'd like to present
our discovery of the week.
- I think it must be time
for him to present the
discovery of the week, folks.
- Pish posh.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the symphonic fingers
of Miss Samantha Lloyd.
(applause) (drumroll)
- One, two, three.
(drumbeat)
(audience laughs)
- Two, one.
(drumbeat)
(audience laughs) (applause)
- All right, let's
hear it out there!
Arthur, Arthur, keep
those crowds back!
Keep those crowds back!
More policemen!
(audience laughs) Oh,
wasn't that sensational?
Did you like her booms?
(audience laughs)
My God.
Samantha Lloyd,
this is Dan Rowan.
Dan, this is Samantha Lloyd.
I call her Sam.
- What else would you call her?
- Fools the desk
clerks now and then.
(audience laughs)
- Is that all she does?
- I certainly hope not.
(audience laughs)
Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo.
- Certainly has a
good sense of rhythm.
- Well, I certainly hope so.
Come along, girl.
We must take Baby home.
Oh, boom, boom.
- That's Dick's
discovery for tonight.
Of course, she's no Tiny
Tim, but neither is he.
(audience laughs)
- Okay Secret Code fans,
it's time for another amazing
secret message on Laugh-In.
Remember, each number
signifies a letter of the alphabet.
Secret Code things ready?
Here we go.
1, 4, 18, 5, 12, 2.
Clue, it is something
Kirk Douglas
found in his dressing room.
(audience laughs)
- Judy?
- Yeah, Gold.
- I hate to tell you this,
but it's sock it to me time.
- That's okay, Goldie.
This time I'm really ready
for that blooming bucket,
so go on, sock it to me.
- Okay.
(metallic bang)
(audience laughs)
- Thanks, you
little blonde yo-yo.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
(thud)
I'm gonna go to my room.
- Jester, the queen caught
me with a kitchen wench.
She fairly wreaks with anger.
Make her laugh.
- Ha, I have just
the trick, sire.
(splash)
- That's not funny.
- Then how about this one?
- (laughs) Now
that's funny! (laughs)
- Queenie!
Down to your room!
(splash)
A-Ba-Daba-Daba-
Daba-Daba-Daba-Daba
Said the monkey to
the Oh come on, Joanne!
This is my big number.
Cut it out.
That's not funny.
- Hark.
Yon Cassius has a
lean and hungry look.
- Yeah, but don't
call him Cassius.
From now on it's Mohammad Ali.
- Oh, I didn't know
that. (audience laughs)
- Oh yeah, baby.
- As a horticulturist, I'm
simply mad about pansies.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, I like this is
a crazy Zsa Zsa.
- Everybody is entitled
to one little hangup.
- He doesn't know.
He's never even
been out with one.
(audience laughs)
- Ring my chimes.
- Hello, hello, hello. (laughs)
If Debbie Reynolds
married Cockadoodledoo,
her name would be Debbie Doodoo.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat music)
- Cockadoodle doo!
(upbeat music)
(goofy music)
- Scissors.
What do you think, Nurse?
- Perfect for their
present. (audience laughs)
- Oh Tarzan!
You mean you had
that much trouble
getting a new loincloth?
- Loincloth!
I thought you said lion cloth.
(audience laughs)
- Go to your tree.
- [Fairies] Buzz, buzz, buzz,
buzz, buzz, buzz,
buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz...
- Are you a fairy?
- No, I'm more like a brownie.
(audience laughs)
- Well Dick, tonight
Laugh-In solutes labor.
- Yep, good old
Aunt Ginger, ha-ha.
- Oh, your Aunt Ginger is
involved in labor, is she?
- Constantly, 12
kids in 11 months.
- I'm not talking about
that kind of labor.
I'm talking about
organized labor
where the workers
all band together.
- Just like my aunt and uncle.
- I'm talking about unions.
- That's them all right.
- They meant labor
unions, you ding-a-ling.
- Well I know that.
- All right.
- I used to belong
to the National Federation
of Fortune Cookie Folders.
- You worked in a Chinese
fortune cookie factory?
- You bet your
sweet and sour bippy.
- [Dan] Sweet and sour bippy.
- I was just the
head writer, that's all.
- Wrote a lot of
funny fortunes, huh?
- I was a regular
egg-fu-yung-man.
- Oh, oh. (audience laughs)
Bet you were, are.
- I also came up with
the first fortune cookie
with a foldout photograph,
hmm, hmm, hmm.
- I don't think I
wanna hear about it.
- 14 provocative poses
of Madam Ho Chi Minh
and a side car of a Lady Yamaha.
- I'm sure I don't
wanna hear about it.
- Or was it 90 provocative
poses and a Yamaha 250?
- Are you finished?
- Yamaha hee-hee.
How about a Yama-ho?
- How about a go
to your room, Dick,
while the rest of us...
- Yama (spits)
(audience laughs)
The rest of us are gonna
solute organized labor.
I'm gonna get you for that.
(retro music)
- [Picketers] Picket,
picket, picket, picket.
Labor and management
should try to get together
Labor and management
should try to compromise
Labor is money mad
and always wanting raises
Management is so unfair
We barely live
on what it pays us
Labor and management
should talk the whole thing over
Labor and management
should try to make amends
But L wants a paycheck hike
Or M will get another strike
Labor and management
will never be good friends
- I know the
employment situation.
After all, I am in labor.
- You call the doctor.
I'll get the hot water.
(audience laughs)
- You know, I was disappointed
when the union brought
us to the marketing tables.
I didn't see any bargains.
- Labor is organized about
like downtown Burbank.
Management can be quite nice
Of course it all depends
L working longer hours
M asserting stronger powers
Labor and management
will never be good friends
- You know, the best thing
about the eight hour day
is that it gives us
a 16 hour night.
- My boyfriend
believes in open shop,
why, he opened
one just last night.
Labor and management
should try to get together
Labor and management
should try to make amends
L tells it like it is
M says the truth is bad for biz
Labor and management
(Picketers singing)
Labor and management
will never be good friends
- [Male Picketer] Strike,
strike, strike, strike!
(applause)
- Go to work!
- I've been mopping
floors for this company
for 33 years, and
I would like to say
that I definitely
need a new mop.
(audience laughs) So I
asked my union, I said,
"What are you
going to do about it?
- As your union boss,
I'm gonna make management
give you a three day workweek,
a 40% pay increase,
and get you old cleaning lady
some basketball equipment.
(audience laughs)
What do you say about
that, management?
- With your
indulgence, Mr. Fukes,
I'll tell you what I say.
The cost of materials and
taxes have gone up 25%,
and that means you're
gonna get nothing.
- Hold it, I'm the
federal mediator.
Now look, the
union goes on strike,
the workers lose
their life savings,
and if management doesn't
give in, they go bankrupt.
So the perfect solution is
to reject the union demands,
and at the same time
give the workers what
they want, right Mom?
- What the heck.
I'll buy me own mop.
Besides, I hate basketballs.
(audience laughs)
(retro music)
(somber music)
(whistle blows)
- All right, break it up.
That's an illegal picket line
Men, break 'em up.
(audience laughs)
- [Male Voice] Strike!
(audience laughs)
Strike!
(audience laughs)
Strike!
(thuds) (audience laughs)
- Many labor leaders go onto
bigger things like Sing Sing,
Leavenworth, Joliette.
(retro music)
- Mr. Walker,
some of the big players in the
new movie have a complaint.
It seems they were
issued the wrong costumes.
They couldn't be
used in today's scenes,
and they still
insist on being paid.
- I'll handle it.
Send 'em in.
- Yes.
Come on in everyone.
Mr. Walker, I believe
you know Vera Gordon
and her (mumbles), Jolene Bran.
- Well, what's the problem?
- [Actress] What do
you mean problem?
(actresses shouting)
- Hold it, hold it, hold it,
hold it chicken,
will you hold it?
Let the rabbit talk.
- Now look, you gave
us these costumes.
Now why can't we work?
Hmm, why?
- I've got a moldy
rabbit, a (mumbles),
a frog, a big chicken,
and look at this horse.
This is the invasion
of Czechoslovakia!
(actresses shouting)
Hold it, that's enough!
We can't use you.
You're not being paid,
that's it, okay, that's it.
I'll be back in a minute.
- Boy, I'd like to
tell him what I think,
but I don't dare.
- Me neither.
- Well, I'd like to tell him,
but you know, right, you know?
- [Horse] There must be some way
we can tell him what he is.
- [Actress] Yeah, boy.
- Well, well, I guess
it's all up to you.
(audience laughs)
(retro music)
- The first union was marriage,
and that's when people found
out what union grievances were.
(laughs)
- [Male Voice] Strike!
- We live in a society
that is becoming more and
more unionized every day.
The question is
what areas will the
unions invade next?
(audience laughs)
- Now remember men,
I won't start firing till
I see their right flank.
Hammerhan, you
don't start firing
till you see they're left flank.
And you Hahn,
you don't start firing
till you pay your union dues.
(audience laughs)
Here comes the
commanding general.
- You solute in order, Sergeant.
I am the commanding general.
- Yes sir, but I'm
the shop steward.
- Oh, that's right.
All right.
- Now, Sergeant,
here's your orders.
I want... Hand grenade!
- Well, pick it up!
Throw it back!
- I can't do that, General.
I'm a sniper.
Why, the union
could fine me $200
for picking up that grenade.
(audience laughs)
- (soldiers
shouting) (explosion)
(telephone rings)
- We're trying to
get better wages
and you come along and goof it.
- Hello?
The enemy is what?
We're in trouble.
Men, I've got bad news for you.
The enemy is non-union.
(audience laughs)
Now Hammerhan, it's up to you.
- Well, I can't go out there.
I could get killed.
- Hammerhan!
- Hammerhan, you have no choice!
It's your duty!
Get out there!
(audience laughs)
- We can't win
this war picketing.
Somebody's gotta shoot.
Oh, never mind.
I'll get the mortar.
Hello, mortar crew.
- I'm gonna pack.
- Mortar crew!
(audience laughs)
Here I hate it, I've
always hated it.
(audience laughs)
Good news, men.
The war is over.
Peace has been declared.
- Peace?
- Peace?
- You can't do that.
You'll put three
million men out of work.
What kind of thing is
that? (audience laughs)
Call it peace with all
that unemployment?
Men, let's strike!
- No, I'm leaving.
I really hate it.
(audience laughs)
(fire siren)
(bang)
(horn blows)
- Sandy.
- Well, that's our show, Dick.
And would you like to
attempt a summation?
- No thanks.
I already have a date.
I'm taking a virtuoso
lady to a concert.
- Is she gonna beat her drum?
(audience laughs)
- I'll tell you the truth.
I was kinda hoping
she'd ring my chimes.
(audience laughs)
- Say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Whatever turns you on.
- Who is Dick?
- And just to start
the new year right,
why don't you let me
announce next week's show
without any further
interruptions?
- Fine, go right ahead.
- Okay with you?
- Yeah.
- Oh, splendid.
- I checked with
my aunt earlier,
and she said it was all right.
(audience laughs)
- You're ubiquitous aunt?
- Yes.
Oh no, she's Presbyterian.
- Oh. (audience laughs)
- She got into a lot of
trouble about 14 years ago.
- "Your aunt got in trouble
14 years ago?" he asked.
(audience laughs)
- Yeah, she was
trapped in a plastic barrel
going over the Niagara Falls
with the Sons of the Pioneers.
(audience laughs)
- She's a musical daredevil.
- Isn't she?
She didn't get wet at
all, but they get all wet.
- They get all wet?
- The Sons of the
Pioneers got all wet,
Bob Nolan, the
Sons of the Pioneers.
- All those guys?
- Yeah.
All day I faced the barren West
- Go like this and say, "Wrong."
- Say goodnight, Dick,
and go to your room.
- Goodnight, Dick.
Go to your room.
(applause)
- You know, I think
I've got arthritis.
- What makes you think so?
- Well, I don't know.
I just feel it in my bones.
(audience laughs)
- If I hear any more
about mental health,
I think I'll go crazy.
(audience laughs)
- Hey, anybody
know what Brutus said
when he was
asked to kill Caesar?
- Yeah, he said,
"I'll take a stab at it."
(audience laughs)
- I think a girl should
marry before she's 25
no matter how old she is.
(audience laughs)
- Dick, I've lost so
much weight lately
you can feel my ribs.
- No thanks, I'm
trying to cut down.
(audience laughs)
- Chelsea?
- Yes.
- I was born in New York but
I went to school in California.
- Oh Dave, I've heard of
busing, but that's ridiculous.
(audience laughs)
- Hey Al, what did your
father do before he died?
- He went (gags).
(audience laughs)
- Arte!
(Arte groans)
What's an operetta?
- I don't know, but I
think it goes (gags).
- You know, my father
died the same way. (gags)
(audience laughs)
- Guess what?
I caught my boyfriend necking.
- Oh, I caught
mine the same way.
(audience laughs)
- Hey, Dan.
- What is it you want, Dave?
- My wife is complaining
'cause I keep going
(gags) in my sleep.
What should I do?
- I didn't know
you were married.
- Heart, lungs, kidneys,
oh, how I hate
those organ recitals.
(audience laughs)
- Little Judy!
- Dick!
- Yes, who was it that
said, "No man is an island."
- Well, it certainly wasn't
Aristotle Onassis (laughs).
(audience laughs)
(Goldie laughs)
- If you subtract 86 from
96, what's the difference?
- Well, who's gonna water
it when you're out of town?
(audience laughs)
- My father once said (gags)
(chattering)
(horn blows)
- Sorry I'm late.
I overslept again.
That kid is driving me crazy.
- About time, my
arthritis is killing me.
- Oh yeah? (audience laughs)
- You got it?
- Yeah.
Martha and I watched
The Late Show last night.
It was really loud.
(audience laughs)
- I'll see you in the morning.
- Okay.
(audience laughs)
(goofy music)
(audience laughs)
(thuds)
(audience laughs)
- Aaah!
- Aaah!
- We move to bigger tree.
Jane take cheetah.
Tarzan take food.
Boy take bags.
Boy?
Boy?
- I'm coming, (mumbles).
- That ought to light
up the old switchboard.
(audience laughs)
(buzzer)
- Hello, NBC, beautiful
downtown Burbank.
You say you're
offended by that last joke?
Yes, I know.
It does seem like a small
part, but it's very well paid.
(audience laughs)
- All right, sister fairies.
Now out with it.
Which one of you
is the evil gnome?
(audience laughs)
- Wanna see my
enchanted Walnetto?
(audience laughs)
- This show has been prerecorded
and will be seen
earlier last week.
- Very interesting, but I
think I missed something.
What happened after
that strange sick peacock
went (imitates vomiting)
(audience laughs)
Sweet dreams, Lucy honey.
You too, Gary.
And to all of you
ding-a-lings on Peyton Place,
keep it up and maybe your
bird will go (imitates vomiting).
(audience laughs)
(squeaking) (kids laughing)
(light clapping)
(beeping)