Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 2, Episode 16 - Episode #2.16 - full transcript
- [Announcer] The
following program
is brought to you in
living color on NBC.
- Say, Nancy, this swapping
couples isn't so great.
- You're right, Chelsea.
I wonder how our
husbands are doing.
- Lousy.
- Alan, go to your room.
- Oh, Nicky, I've never kissed
anyone with a mustache before.
- Really?
How long you had yours?
- I don't get it.
(audience laughter)
- Hey, man.
- Hey, man.
- Hey.
- Hey, man, long time no see.
- Yeah, well I've
been on the road.
- Been with Kenton, man?
- No, Guy Lombardo.
- Guy Lombardo?
Aren't you afraid being with
Lombardo'll cramp your style?
- Noch, noch, not at allch.
- I fail to see the
humor in that ch.
(audience laughter)
(screaming)
- Um, I'm new here.
Is dinner formal or can
I wear my sneakers?
- Well, I don't know.
Where'd you figure
on wearing them?
- Good name for the kid.
- Thank you very much.
- Oh, you're very welcome.
- I think you need a bag boy.
Bag boy!
- And now, direct
from the interior
of a severely burning building
in beautiful downtown Burbank,
NBC proudly presents
their version of air pollution.
Rowan & Martin's
(coughs) Cough-In,
starring Dan Rowan
and Dick Martin
with guest star Nancy
Sinatra and Judy Carne,
Arte Johnson, with Ruth Buzzi,
Henry Gibson,
Goldie Hawn,
Dave Madden, Alan Sues,
and Jo Anne Worley.
With Chelsea Brown,
J.J. Barry, Jack Riley,
costarring yours
truly Gary Owens
and Morgul as
the Friendly Drelb.
- Goodbye.
Don't go away folk.
We'll be right back with more
YMCA scores in just a moment
but first, this
important message.
- I've used your detergent
for several months now
and you should see
my colored things.
- And now, direct from
the Crabapple Festival
in sun drenched scenic
delocopia West Dakota,
just south of East Dakota,
come those dancing dust devils,
the Rowan & Martin Sisters.
(audience applause)
- No more.
- Accolades, accolades.
- No more bouquets,
that's enough.
The dressing
room's full of flowers.
Well, we have a new president.
- Hmm?
- Yeah, we have a
new president today.
- Well good, good, good, good.
It's alright with me.
I think I'll vote
for him this time.
- Ding-a-ling, he's
already been elected.
- Well, good for him.
Good for Ladybird too.
- It's not Johnson,
Richard Nixon.
- You're putting me on.
- As of noon today,
Richard Milhous Nixon
is our new president.
- Humphrey lost?
- Yeah, Humphrey lost.
It was in all the papers.
- Well it wasn't in the funnies.
- You really stay right on
top of things, don't you?
- So do I.
- Well anyway, how does it feel
to have a friend
in the white house?
- Well, can he fix
a parking ticket?
- Come on, you're not gonna ask
the president of the United
States to fix a parking ticket.
- I get it.
Can't handle it, huh?
- Dick, the man's only
been in office for eight hours.
- Well, in that case
we'll wait till next week
till things slack
off a little more.
- Well, it's nice of you
to give him another shot.
- Big, big, big, big.
- Well, I'm sure though
that you join the
rest of our country
in wishing our
new president well.
- You bet your sweet dippy I do.
- And you can't talk to
him anymore, you know,
the way we did when
he was in Burbank.
- The president was in
beautiful downtown Burbank?
- Well of course.
All the biggies come here.
- And we talked to him?
- Yes, we certainly did.
- What did we say?
- Well, watch this film.
We'd like to accord you
a most hearty welcome
to beautiful downtown Burbank
and we know that usually
when you travel around
the country and visit cities
that you are given
the key to the city
but Burbank doesn't
have any locks.
- It has a lot of bagels.
- And it was wonderful
appearing with you
on television, sir.
- That's true.
I'd like to say that if things
for some unforeseen
reason don't work out,
you always have a job
with us on the joke wall.
(audience applause)
- Say goodnight, Dick.
- I don't think we
ought to call him Dick.
- No, no, I was speaking to you.
We have to get back to
the rest of the group, right?
What about him?
- Blow in his ear, he'll
follow you anywhere.
(audience applause)
Anything you'd
care to add to that?
- Well, just that our president
is a pretty good sport.
- You're darn right
and he's watching tonight.
- Hey, good, let's
invite him to the party.
- Splendid notion, Harvey.
- You and me and him.
- You and me and the prez.
Okay, Mr. President,
you're invited to our party
and all the folks
watching with you
and the rest of
you, come on along.
(audience applause)
(dance music)
- Well, I'm all for
violence on campus.
After all, college is
supposed to prepare you
for the world of today.
(dance music)
- Well Goldie, congress has
been meeting for two weeks,
nothing terrible's happened yet.
I guess they're waiting
for the new president
just to get the
ball rolling, huh?
- Well, I think it was awful
making Mr. President
swear on a bible.
- Why?
- Well, if they can't
(laughs) take his word for it
why did they make him president?
- I don't know.
(dance music)
- I saw the 10 commandments
at a drive-in last night.
The couple in the next
car broke nine of them.
(dance music)
- Oh, I asked my ski instructor
what would be the best
thing to wear on the slopes
and he tied a keg of
brandy around my neck.
(dance music)
- My gas station gave
away so many dishes,
they had to put in a third pump.
Now it's regular, premium
and New Locks liquid.
(dance music)
- You want to
come up to my place
and watch the election returns?
- But the elections have
been over for months.
- If you don't tell, I won't.
(dance music)
- Hey, mom just sent me $100
to come home for the weekend.
Dad sent me $200 to stay away.
That's adorable.
(dance music)
- You know, it's
true this summer
that people in the ghettos
broke into television stores
but how else could
they watch Julia
and see how well they're living?
(dance music)
- Hey, I say slums and ghettos
have a definite
place in our cities.
Without them, where
would we put the truck rocks?
(dance music)
- I started to
dabble in the market.
Just yesterday I cornered
a mutual funds salesman.
He's adorable.
(dance music)
- Nancy, I see Lynda
Bird had another baby
and her husband got
promoted to major.
- Really?
Gee, that's terrific.
If she'd had quintuplets,
he'd have been a
five star general, right?
(dance music)
- I'm so glad the
astronauts got back safely.
Now that's what I
call a groovy trip.
(dance music)
- In America they send
the old leader to Texas.
Even in Russia they
would never be that cruel.
(dance music)
(singing)
- I'd like to see you smile.
I'd like to see your legs.
I'd like to see you
miss just once.
- Please don't adjust your sets.
The distortion is in the program
and it's gonna get
worse before it get better
'cause here come the news,
here come the news.
Hold the phone folk,
'cause here come the news.
What's the news
across the nation
We have got the information
In a way we hope it amuse
We just love to
give you our views
La da di da
Ladies and gents,
Laugh-In looks at the news
Here's Dan (audience applause)
- Now, who's the
president, who's the man
to whom the news wouldn't
be the news without the news?
Here's what's his face.
(audience applause)
- In Europe, a naughty
political problem arose today
amongst the Warsaw Pact nation
when Poland
accidentally invaded itself.
(audience laughter)
And further north in England,
Prince Charles continues to
do well at Oxford University
where he is minoring
in higher mathematics
and majoring in King.
(audience laughter)
Finally, in Washington, D.C.,
the Federal Aviation Agency
today gave it's achievement
of the year award to Cuba
for their solution of
the stacking problem
over New York,
Chicago and Los Angeles.
Meanwhile, Fidel Castro
is asking Moscow for help
in clearing up the
stacking problem
of hijacked planes
over Havana Airport.
Take it away, Goldie.
- And now for the news of the
future from 20 years from now,
here's Laugh-In presents
from the Dan Rowan
direct from over there.
Dan, I mean Dick,
oh you got it wrong
again (laughs).
- Sorry, Goldie, I'll try
to do better next week.
California 1989,
20 years from now,
president-elect
Ringo Starr today
revoiced concern over the
worldwide population explosion.
While vacationing at Long Beach,
Mr. Starr said he
swam 100 yards out
and found the people
speaking Chinese.
Hollywood, 1989, avant garde
filmmaker Andy Warhol Junior
today shocked
the entire film world
with his new movie Orgy Girl
which features a love scene
between two fully
clothed people.
In its defense, Warhol
said the clothed scene
was done in excellent taste
and besides, it will only
be shown in foreign markets.
Finally, this item 1989
20 years from now,
at last it happened,
there was peace
in the world today.
Not a shot fired, not a threat,
not an unhappy sound.
Today at last, there
was peace in the world.
Unfortunately, only
lasted a few seconds,
while everybody reloaded.
- Speaking of sand,
Laugh-In News takes
you back to ancient Egypt
which is now in progress.
- What news, oh great prophet?
- Well, my fellow chosen people,
it is with a heavy
heart that I tell you
we are going to leave this place
and go on to a promised land.
- Palestine, on the
banks of the Nile?
- No, Texas on the
banks of the Perdon Alice.
- And now for all
the bull you can bear,
Laugh-In takes
you to Wall Street.
- Blow in my ear
and I'll play guitar
for you all night long.
- Well now, Mildred and I
have managed to build our
life savings into a tidy sum.
What we want is a
secure investment
in some good, safe stocks.
- Excellent.
That's our specialty here
at Less, Fogel, Wasselman,
Bagelman, London and Panich.
We are prepared for any
economic development.
Now, I have two
investment plans,
one is for good times
and one is for bad times.
- Oh, that makes
sense, doesn't it dear?
Good times and bad times.
- Good, now, let's
say the nation's
engulfed in riots and looting,
we invest in window glass
or should there be some
natural disaster such as a flood,
we invest yous
into rubber boats,
or if the war becomes
a serious problem,
we shoot for armaments.
Get it?
- Yes but what if
there are no disasters
and no riots and the war ends?
- Oh, that brings us
to plan b, bad times.
- And now just back
from the Bulgarian
national yo-yo finals,
here's the biggest
yo-yo of them all,
Alan Sues with the sports.
- Oh, hi, big Al here.
(rings bell)
Featurette.
Oh, don't you love that?
Today I witnessed the
thrilling ice boat races
on Lake Michigan.
Frightful!
The lead boat
crashed through the ice
and the driver turned blue.
Imagine that, blue,
and with an orange shirt.
Clash, clash, criminal,
and frigid, oh it's more
than a body can stand.
Ta ta!
Oh, I hate the whole thing!
- You know, I'm glad that me
and my brother on Laugh-In
'cause now for the first
time we can on t.v. say
(clock cuckoos)
You know what I mean?
- You wouldn't be doing this
if the British navy were here.
- The joke's on you, lady.
We are the British navy.
- Ah!
- I'm sorry, Harry,
but I think we're seeing
too much of each other.
- Well, not necessarily.
Here's the way I look at it.
- And there are your
eggs and your tomatoes
and your angel food cake
and here's your watermelon.
- Inaugurate.
(sneezes)
- Would you cut out that noise?
My baby's trying to sleep.
- Oh, shut up.
- Come on, baby.
Let's find some w.
(bells clanging)
- Arr, it must be four bells.
- You got that alright?
- Heavier than I thought.
- There you go.
- There we go.
Just set that
one right on top.
- I'll give you a hand.
- Okay, secret code fans.
It's time for another
secret message.
Remember each number
signifies a letter of the alphabet.
Secret code things, ready?
Here we go.
Two, nine, 16, 16, 25, a clue.
It is something Dick
Martin bets a lot.
- Now it's time for the
Laugh-In discovery of the week.
- And now it's time for the
Laugh-In discovery of the week.
- I just said that,
you ding-a-ling.
- That's where I heard it.
- And now folks, it's time
for the Laugh-In
discovery of the week.
- How you doing, Dan?
- How you doing, matey?
- How are you?
- Well, mates, sorry to
break into you like this
but it's rather
urgent, you know?
- These are the
fabulous LeGarde twins.
- Does that cut down
the appetite at all?
- Well at the very same,
you'll recall my
brother and myself
had a bit of a bad
go here before.
- I remember that.
How's Trix, Ted?
- Oh, you know, the pain
comes and goes, Dick.
- I don't like the trend.
- Are the fabulous LeGarde
Twins attempting a comeback?
- Folks I'm gonna put
the apple on my head.
Ted's gonna put a
spear right through it.
- This ain't the way we
rehearsed it, you know?
- Hello, hello, hello.
Looks like sock
it to me time, folk.
- You know, Nancy, I
think you're absolutely super
but tonight, I get
to sock it to you.
That's weird.
It didn't work.
My big chance
and it didn't work.
- Can I try?
- Be my guest.
- Alright.
It's beautiful right now.
- I guess it worked,
didn't it Nancy?
It's funny how it
did when you had it.
- Oh, my Lucretia Borgas,
you're so beautiful, I love you.
We must get rid of your husband.
- Don't worry, my darling.
I will kill him with this wine.
Now be gone.
- Uh, Lucretia, do you happen
to have something cold to drink?
- Well, here.
(laughs)
- I overheard your plan
to kill me with this wine.
(laughs)
- Not this wine,
you ding-a-long,
with this wine.
That wine.
- No kidding.
- Fire, fire, fire!
(gunfire)
- Okay, this one's on me.
- Alright.
- Okay now, lights,
camera,
action.
- Okay, ready
whenever you are Stevie.
Ouch.
- If you don't talk
Captain, we'll keelhaul you
or hang you from the yard arm
and toss your
remains to the sharks.
- You won't get nothing
out of me except my name,
my rank and my serial number
the exact position of
the entire British fleet.
- I may have to
give up the pipe.
There's just no place
to keep the tobacco.
No, that's where I keep my pipe.
- No, no, no, I mean
in the other ear.
- You have to speak up lady,
I got a pipe in my other ear.
- Incumbent.
- Dick,
did you hear the one
about the elephant
that climbed up the Empire
State Building during a typhoon
after eating a heavy garlic
and pepper sandwich?
- Yeah I heard that one, Goldie.
- Well, would you tell it to me?
I never heard it.
- If Hayley Mills
married Jack Hayley,
she'd be Hayley Hayley
and I'd be very upset,
which is station break talk
for here come the
commercial, folk.
On the other hand, if Pearl
Bailey married Jack Hayley,
divorced him and
married Mayor Daley,
she'd be Pearl
Bailey Hayley Daley
and in Chicago you can
bet that'd be a hot time
in the old town tonight folk.
Sock it to 'em, NBC.
(dance music)
- I was caught
in a riot last week
and I was pushed
and shoved and mauled
by lot of strange men.
I'm going to
another one tonight.
(dance music)
- A friend of mine just
enlisted to fight in Vietnam
but he's not in
any danger though.
He enlisted in the
South Vietnamese army.
(dance music)
- In Russia, they
got no more violence.
They ship it all to
Czechoslovakia.
(dance music)
- Well, I don't
care what you say.
It's really rough being a
college president these days.
You have to have an MA in
science, a Phd in administration
and a black belt in karate.
(dance music)
- College football
is really violent.
At last weeks' game there
were three broken legs,
eight fractured ribs
and 12 pulled ligaments
and down on the
field it was even worse.
(dance music)
- Let's put it this way,
if you like the
democratic convention,
you'll love the
Boston Strangler.
- Go to your room.
(dance music)
- Hello, hello (laughs).
Boris proved that politics
and alcohol don't mix.
Last week he drank
six molotov cocktails
and threw himself in front
of Spiro Agnew (laughs).
Oh my word.
(dance music)
- You know it used to be
that kids looked up
to the cop on the beat
and now they're looking
to beat up on the cop.
- Well the kids in
my neighborhood
still look up to the cops.
I mean, when you're
flat on your back, Matt,
you've got to look up.
(dance music)
- The last night I took
the law into my own hands.
I went out with a meter maid.
(dance music)
- Cain smote Able and slew him,
David smote
Goliath and slew him,
which proves, I suppose,
that smoting may be
hazardous to your health.
(dance music)
- My comedy has found a way
to take the violence
out of firearms.
We make the M16 Rifle.
(dance music)
- When I was a kid,
bombing and killing used
to be called gangsterism.
Now it's called the Saturday
morning kiddie cartoons.
(dance music)
- You know, Goldie, you
can kill more people with a car
than you can with a gun?
- Oh really, when did
they pass that law?
- Goldie, go to your room.
(dance music)
- My proud beauty,
you'll never see
Bonnie, Scotland or Ireland.
- What do I care?
I'm Polish.
- What do you think of
our new wicker furniture?
- Well, it made a definite
impression on me.
- Oh, do you save
the stamps, lady?
- Oh, yes I do.
- There you go.
- The Walnetto and its
Place in American Society
by Tyrone F. Horneye.
"The Walnetto,
small and compact,
easy to carry, friendly,
nice and firm, strong and firm.
And it fits in the
glove compartment."
Thank you.
- Boy oh boy, if there's
one thing I can't stand
it's politics and showbiz.
- Me too.
I don't like it either.
- I know it and you know what?
You're the worst
of them all, you are.
You would've
never gotten that job
if you didn't know
Dicky Smothers mother.
- That's what this show needs,
more probing analysis
of international affairs.
- Mr. Tibbett, as
your psychiatrist,
I say you must have
more confidence in people.
All this suspicion
and doubt is no good.
Now you must learn to
trust your fellow man, right?
Right.
Good day.
- You're right, doctor.
Thank you.
- (laughs) Got you
again, little fella.
Say I grab your shrimpel?
You sure are short, little guy.
- Well folk, once
again it's time
for the flying fickle
finger of fate award.
- Who's the lucky
winner tonight?
- The Bureau of Land Management
and they're the
people you all know
who see to the
needs of the Indians.
- Well what has the great
white bureaucracy done now?
- Hang on, I'm gonna tell you.
By treaty, the Shoshone Indians
have always been
guaranteed the right
to pick the pine nuts
on the reservation.
- Well aren't pine nuts a basic
food of the Shoshone diet?
- You shock me with
your erudition, sir.
- Well, you're kind to say that.
- But now the Bureau
of Land Management
is demanding that
they get a permit
and pay a tax on the pine
nuts that they gather for food.
- Well with that kind
of double dealing
why mess in the forest?
They can go right to the
Bureau of Land Management
and find all the nuts they want.
- Here, Bureau of
Land Management,
place this in your wicky-up.
- Tune in next week when
the flying fickle finger of fate
or the rigid digit as
it's know in Burbank,
goes to Egyptian
president Nasser
for his invention
of the short war.
- Let's bring back World War I
because that was the war where
they used a nice deep trench.
You were safe and
secure in your trench
because your chums
were close at hand
and friendship and togetherness
were the orders of the day.
If we could bring
back World War I
and put all the people in
the world in a deep trench,
there would be no more war.
Thank yous.
- Very interesting
but why don't they
leave well enough alone?
- Millhouse.
- [Male] What is it?
- Do you have a woman in there?
- No, I don't.
- Oh, good.
Okay, lady, here you go.
- Good grief.
- It be rum time, me hardies.
So let's break open the keg.
- Right-O, Captain.
(humming)
- Hey, I got a great idea.
Let's put some
close on and neck.
- The Nose by Henry Gibson.
(humming)
The nose is like a friend to me
It cheers me when I'm blue
It tells me what's for breakfast
And lunch and dinner too
It shields the lip
from falling rain
And warns us of the flu
I could not live without my nose
And I like my nostrils too
- Hello, hello, hello.
As we rejoin our story,
Matt Dillon is talking
to an enormous bullfrog
who is in real
life a hairdresser
at the Burbank Head
Transplant Place.
If we're not too quiet,
we may be able to.
- Welcome back to another
short entertainment break, folks.
- Could you
speed it up a little?
- What, you got a
date after the show?
- No, I'm appearing in
a nude play later tonight
and I have to get
into my costume.
- You're appearing
in a play in the nude?
- Nudity's the latest thing
in the modern theater.
- Well, how could you
do a thing like that?
- Well, my agent said I
needed more exposure.
(laughter)
- Well, aren't you embarrassed?
- I just look at it as another
personal appearance.
- You can't get much
more personal than that.
- The play's about the old west.
- A nude western?
- It's called Cold
in the Saddle.
(laughter)
- I bet it is.
- It's all about life
in the raw out west.
- I imagine makeup'd
take a little while.
- Yeah, I guess.
I kind of feel sorry for the
guy asked to play the sheriff.
- Why is that?
- Well, it takes six guys to
- [Both] pin the badge on him.
- Do you have a
speaking part in this flick?
- You bet your sweet bippy.
I got the best line
in the whole play.
- Which is?
- Howdy, mam, you must
be the new schoolmarm.
- Speaking of potpourri, I
think it's about that time, gang.
- Pardon me, could I
have a table for two?
- Yes sir, right this way.
- Good.
- For our next selection,
we're going to play
she is a better person for that.
- Jo Anne.
- What?
- I'm just so upset.
- Well, what's the matter?
- My son just got drafted and
he's being sent to Vietnam.
- Oh, well you think
you've got problems.
My boy was just
accepted at Berkeley.
- Look out right behind you.
- Hah, I ain't gonna
fall for that old trick.
- Well how about this old trick?
Want to see a bunny?
- Oh, that's better,
much better.
- Oh, please, help me.
- Don't worry, princess.
I'll have you out
of those chains
in a matter of a few weeks.
How about a Walnetto
while you're waiting?
- Save me.
Hey, dum dum, why don't
you go back to the swings?
- What dear?
- The conditions
in the negro slums.
- Oh, yes, and the terrible
conditions in the negro schools.
- Darling, we're going
to have to do something
about the negro.
- Let's give her
a two dollar raise.
- Here comes the judge.
- Your honor,
my client is in jail
and wants me to file a
writ of habeas corpus.
- Oh, nothing to him.
There's no fouls
allowed in that jail.
- Well, I found out what
was wrong with your car.
It's that funny little dobob
connected to the whatchamacallit
behind the hodicky.
- Darling, if I's know that
I wouldn't have asked you
and I would have
done it myself, darling.
- And now, coming out of
retirement especially for Laugh-In,
famous vaudeville
performers of the 1920s
doing their very famous and
difficult spoon catching act.
(audience applause)
(audience laughter)
(drum roll)
(silverware clinging)
(audience laughter)
- [Male] Hey, dummy.
- Can they hear us?
- No, I don't think so.
What's up?
- Listen, are you tired
of being called a
dummy in your act?
- Am I?
Are you kidding?
If there's one thing I'm sick of
it's being called a dummy
of the act all the time.
- I am too and I'm not gonna
be the dummy anymore.
- That's a good idea.
I'm not gonna be the
dummy anymore either.
- Right, enough of
that dummy stuff.
- [Male] Hey, dummy.
- Coming.
- Coming.
- Spiro.
- Any shoes to be shined?
Thank you.
- [Male] Wait a minute, here.
- Thank you.
- Wait a minute, here.
(horse whinnies)
- Whatever turns you on, sir.
- Wow, that's great
but how did you recognize me?
- I never forget a face.
- Would you excuse me?
Just excuse me?
- Forget about me,
Dick, I'm no good for you.
- Alright, I believe that's it.
Thank you very much.
Uh oh, you forgot
your cream pie.
(screaming)
- Remember kiddies, when
we left Captain Curly and Freckle
they had just escaped
from the Amazon village
and were heading up
the river to certain death?
Let's see what
they're singing now.
If you're kinda dumb
here's a job for you chum
Be a meter maid A meter maid
You don't have to talk
Mark a tire with some chalk
You're a meter maid A meter maid
You don't have to
have any Phd, kid
You don't have to
use any ESP, kid
Just try to act like a VIP, kid
You'll be a meter maid
You'll keep nice and warm
in your cute union form
Be a meter maid A meter maid
You'll feel kind of neat when
you cruise down the street
You're a meter maid A meter maid
You may not defy
and the fella hollars
Just grab the guy
by his nero collar
Tell him you'll find it
was worth two dollars
To meet a meter maid
You never met a sweeter group
of chicks who check a meter
We're a breed who sort of
like dispensing law and order
Wrapping dimes and nickels
on our groovy motorcycles
Because we're the meter fuzz
You wanted to clerk
but you can't cut the work
Be a meter maid A meter maid
You're tiny up here
but you're big in the rear
Be a meter maid A meter maid
The ticket we give
gonna start 'em squawking
We're wearing boots
but they're not for walking
Here come the judge
and there's no back talking
When you're a meter maid Yeah
When you're a meter maid
When you're a meter maid
(audience applause)
- Uh, listen sport fans,
as you'll probably recall,
much of the oratory in the
recent presidential campaign
centered on the
issue of law and order.
- I'm a sex and
violence man myself.
- Now you can make
light of it if you want.
- Alright, I will.
- I was speaking metaphorically.
- Were you now?
Sounded ever so
much like English.
- Dick, I'm trying to make
a point about law and order.
Now, you're not in favor of
violence in the sheets, are you?
- That's streets.
- You I know what
I meant, bracy.
You're not in favor of
violence in the streets?
- Well, certainly not.
- Good.
I like to keep my violence in
the privacy of my own home.
- I don't want to hear anymore.
- Last night I got so violent,
they had to call one
of Burbank's finest.
- Oh, policeman?
- That's funny, she told me
she was an airline stewardess.
- What's that got to
do with law and order?
- Well, first I advised
her of her rights.
Then, I subjected her
to a thorough, thorough
cross examination.
- I can see why you'd
get a little mixed up there.
- Took me three hours just
to dust her for fingerprints.
- Be that as it may,
some people today feel
the police have a tendency.
(laughing)
Pay attention.
Some people feel that
the police have a tendency
to be overly conscientious
in performing their duties.
(dance music)
- Well Cummings, it's
your first day on duty.
Did you get your motorcycle?
- Yes, sir.
Boy, it sure goes fast.
- Alright, now let me
give you a little quiz.
What do you do if a
suspect pulls a gun on you?
- I take away his gun.
- No, you can't do that.
That's illegal
search and seizure.
- Well, I can hit him with
my night stick and arrest him.
- No, you ninny,
that's police brutality
and if he's innocent
that's a false arrest.
- But if he's pointing
the gun at me,
isn't there any way I can
protect myself legally?
- Course, Cummings,
that's why we gave
you a fast motorcycle.
- Boy, it sure goes fast.
(dance music)
- Under our system
of jurisprudence,
every man is entitled
to his day in court
whether he's done
anything or not.
- On the other hand, the
police have their own problems.
- That seems fair enough.
- Sure.
- Well now, before we
question you, Mr. Wacker,
it's my duty to inform
you that anything you say
may be used in
evidence against you.
Course, you do have right to
be represented by legal counsel
if you so desire
and you are entitled
to be silent if you wish.
Do you understand that, sir?
- Yes.
- Good.
Now talk, you little rat.
- He pushed me, he pushed me.
- Last tag.
- Well push him
back, you big ninny.
- The police are
certainly unreasonable.
Last week, they
arrested a student
just for making
noise in the library
and it wasn't even his fault.
I mean, after all, how do
you set off a bomb quietly?
(dance music)
- Every week on the
streets of New York,
women are constantly
being accosted.
It's terrible.
Do you realize what it costs me
to go back and forth to
New York every week?
- Gee, Goldie, I really
hope that President Nixon
understands all about the
new Supreme Court decisions,
about all the arrests
and everything?
Because frankly,
I'm getting confused.
- Well, you know it's as
simple as falling off a log.
- Oh yeah?
- Mmhmm.
- How does it work?
- Well, you just kind of slide
down to the end of the log,
kind of lean over like this.
- Goldie, that's dumb.
(dance music)
- Hey, hey, hey, don't
move, you're under arrest.
- Just, just, just, just,
just, just a minute.
You legally have to
advise me of my rights
before you pull me in, huh?
- Are you sure it's before?
This I my first arrest.
- Well, it ain't mine.
That's the law.
- Okay.
You are hereby
advised that anything...
- You may say, - Oh yeah, yeah.
- Anything you may, may...
- Anything you might say...
- May say, dum dum.
- Hey, what is this?
I'll take you in any way I want.
- No, no, wait a minute.
Wait a minute,
officer, he's right.
I'm a lawyer.
Now the law says...
- You keep out of this.
- Well no, wait a minute.
Technically it's a false arrest
you're trying to make here.
You can't do that.
- That does it.
You're under arrest
for interfering with
an officer's duty.
- Wait a minute,
where are you going?
Hold it there, little fella.
I'm making a
citizens arrest on you
and charging you
with attempted theft.
- Well, you take
your hands off me.
- That's assault and battery.
I'm making a
citizens arrest on you.
- Hey, both of
you, cut that out.
- You can't do that.
You can't do that.
That's police brutality.
- I'm putting an arrest on you.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Oh yeah?
You're under arrest to.
- No, no, I was just gonna
go visit my Aunt Sarah.
(suspicious music)
We got to have a
little law and order
Or everything is
getting out of hand
Now if there wasn't law
enforcement how would it look
What could ever take the
place of catching a crook
We mean, you got to use
a night stick and a pistol
You got to use a
little tear gas too
Let's give those bad
kids a faceful of mace
'Cause law and
order, we love you
- There's a lot of lawbreakers
around in my neighborhood.
Everybody knows there's
a peeping tom loose.
It makes me so nervous
I can hardly hold
my binoculars steady.
- I say the law in
this country is partial.
If a rich man double
parks his limousine,
he gets a ticket.
You never see a
poor man get a ticket
for double parking
his limousine.
- Lot of people complain today
that we have law and
order without justice.
Well, two out of
three isn't bad.
We hold alumni
meetings in Chicago
We spend a lot of
time in Berkeley too
We really are a nicer group
than you would suspect
We try to be the kind of
people kids will respect
Although we can't put up
with student demonstrations
Let's put away the
whole disheveled crew
We give the bad
kids a hit in the head
Oh, Mayor Daley, we love you
- It's terrible what's
happening on our streets today.
Last week, I got badly beaten up
fighting for a woman's honor.
Next time I'll pick
a smaller woman.
Law and order It's
the last thing people do
Let's give the bad
kids a kick in the ribs
'Cause law and order
we love you, we do
Law and order we
love you, it's true
Law and order we love you
- I don't know
what it be, Johnson
but there's something wrong
with your navigation lately.
- You're kidding?
- Give me that thing, stupid.
- Meanwhile, in
another part of town...
- Quick, where's the manager?
- He's out.
- Well, where are the
assistant manager?
- He's not here either.
- Well, how about the owner?
- I'm trying to tell you
lady, they're all gone.
I'm here alone.
(screams)
That's terrific.
Now, stick 'em up, kissy face.
Empty it.
(sirens buzzing)
- Flag.
- Well, Dick, I see
by the old calendar
there on the studio wall,
it's time to say goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight, Dan.
- Alan, go to your room.
- Goodnight, Dick.
Goodnight, dad.
- Very interesting.
- I wonder if you'd mind if I
told you what my aunt said
when she was trapped
in a sleeping bag
with 14 unemployed
Swiss bell ringers.
- You mean, your aunt
was actually trapped
in a sleeping bag with 14
unemployed Swiss bell ringers?
- I didn't know that.
- Well, she must
have said something.
- You bet your sweet bippy.
- Say goodnight.
- Goodnight Dick.
You mean they actually get
laughs for this kind of stuff?
- Knock, knock.
- Who's there?
- Draft notice.
- I don't get it.
- You will.
You'll be a better
person for it.
- Hey Judy.
- Yeah.
- Would you name five
things that contain milk?
- Um, cheese, butter
and three cows.
- Mo, mo, mo, girls.
That's awfully close
to a chicken joke.
- Transplants are okay I guess
but who's gonna water
them when you're out of town?
- Hey, I know an acrobat
who walks on his hands, Ruth.
- Oh yeah, well
who's gonna water him
when you're out of town?
- Hey Dick.
(yells)
What's a legal secretary?
- Oh, one that's
over 18 years old.
- Thank goodness.
- Henry.
I understand Twiggy's
taking accordion lessons.
- Yeah transplants
are okay I guess
but who's gonna water
her when she's out of town?
- Hey Ruth, what time is it?
- In two minutes,
it'll be nine thirty.
- I don't mean in two
minutes, I mean now.
- Oh, four thirty.
- I feel terrible.
I dropped my watch in the lake.
- Did it stop?
- No, it went right
to the bottom.
- Well, you won't have
to water it anymore.
- I'd give $1,000
to be a millionaire.
- Did you hear about the man
who was stabbed seven times,
run over by a truck,
fell off the San
Francisco Bridge
and was flattened
by a passing tugboat?
- Oh, no.
Where is he?
- Well, he's in Cedars of
Lebanon, Mount Cyanide,
St. John's and
the city hospital.
- Well yeah but who's gonna
water him in all those places?
- It's always been my philosophy
that we're here to help other.
- Oh yeah?
- [Female] Yeah.
- Then what are
the others here for?
- Help, help, I burnt
my brussel sprouts.
- According to you, suntan oil.
- Wait a minute, that's dumb.
- Jo Anne, King Kong's coming
and he's gonna need watering.
- Well stall him until I slip
into something, how you say,
more comfortable.
- Hey Alan, what's
the penalty for bigamy?
- Burnt brussel sprouts.
- Go to your room
and water it, will you?
(upbeat music)
- Hey, what do you do when
winter comes around here?
- Winter?
We wear our boots, silly.
- Alright, Mr. Lashers,
give that man 50 lashes.
- Aye, Captain.
One, two...
- What are you doing?
- Excuse me.
Does this train go to New York?
- No, it goes to Topeka.
- Topeka.
See gang, I was right,
we're in the wrong train.
- Always happens to me.
- It said on my ticket,
it didn't say Topeka.
- I think it said peak, son.
- Excuse me, does this
train go to New York?
- No, it goes to Topeka.
- Oh, you see, I was right,
we're on the wrong train.
- This show was prerecorded
so the new president
could broadcast it
to our enemies overseas.
- Very interesting
but I thought that was forbidden
by the Geneva Convention.
Goodnight, Mr. President.
I hope your spiro is better
and your dahlias
are flourishing.
following program
is brought to you in
living color on NBC.
- Say, Nancy, this swapping
couples isn't so great.
- You're right, Chelsea.
I wonder how our
husbands are doing.
- Lousy.
- Alan, go to your room.
- Oh, Nicky, I've never kissed
anyone with a mustache before.
- Really?
How long you had yours?
- I don't get it.
(audience laughter)
- Hey, man.
- Hey, man.
- Hey.
- Hey, man, long time no see.
- Yeah, well I've
been on the road.
- Been with Kenton, man?
- No, Guy Lombardo.
- Guy Lombardo?
Aren't you afraid being with
Lombardo'll cramp your style?
- Noch, noch, not at allch.
- I fail to see the
humor in that ch.
(audience laughter)
(screaming)
- Um, I'm new here.
Is dinner formal or can
I wear my sneakers?
- Well, I don't know.
Where'd you figure
on wearing them?
- Good name for the kid.
- Thank you very much.
- Oh, you're very welcome.
- I think you need a bag boy.
Bag boy!
- And now, direct
from the interior
of a severely burning building
in beautiful downtown Burbank,
NBC proudly presents
their version of air pollution.
Rowan & Martin's
(coughs) Cough-In,
starring Dan Rowan
and Dick Martin
with guest star Nancy
Sinatra and Judy Carne,
Arte Johnson, with Ruth Buzzi,
Henry Gibson,
Goldie Hawn,
Dave Madden, Alan Sues,
and Jo Anne Worley.
With Chelsea Brown,
J.J. Barry, Jack Riley,
costarring yours
truly Gary Owens
and Morgul as
the Friendly Drelb.
- Goodbye.
Don't go away folk.
We'll be right back with more
YMCA scores in just a moment
but first, this
important message.
- I've used your detergent
for several months now
and you should see
my colored things.
- And now, direct from
the Crabapple Festival
in sun drenched scenic
delocopia West Dakota,
just south of East Dakota,
come those dancing dust devils,
the Rowan & Martin Sisters.
(audience applause)
- No more.
- Accolades, accolades.
- No more bouquets,
that's enough.
The dressing
room's full of flowers.
Well, we have a new president.
- Hmm?
- Yeah, we have a
new president today.
- Well good, good, good, good.
It's alright with me.
I think I'll vote
for him this time.
- Ding-a-ling, he's
already been elected.
- Well, good for him.
Good for Ladybird too.
- It's not Johnson,
Richard Nixon.
- You're putting me on.
- As of noon today,
Richard Milhous Nixon
is our new president.
- Humphrey lost?
- Yeah, Humphrey lost.
It was in all the papers.
- Well it wasn't in the funnies.
- You really stay right on
top of things, don't you?
- So do I.
- Well anyway, how does it feel
to have a friend
in the white house?
- Well, can he fix
a parking ticket?
- Come on, you're not gonna ask
the president of the United
States to fix a parking ticket.
- I get it.
Can't handle it, huh?
- Dick, the man's only
been in office for eight hours.
- Well, in that case
we'll wait till next week
till things slack
off a little more.
- Well, it's nice of you
to give him another shot.
- Big, big, big, big.
- Well, I'm sure though
that you join the
rest of our country
in wishing our
new president well.
- You bet your sweet dippy I do.
- And you can't talk to
him anymore, you know,
the way we did when
he was in Burbank.
- The president was in
beautiful downtown Burbank?
- Well of course.
All the biggies come here.
- And we talked to him?
- Yes, we certainly did.
- What did we say?
- Well, watch this film.
We'd like to accord you
a most hearty welcome
to beautiful downtown Burbank
and we know that usually
when you travel around
the country and visit cities
that you are given
the key to the city
but Burbank doesn't
have any locks.
- It has a lot of bagels.
- And it was wonderful
appearing with you
on television, sir.
- That's true.
I'd like to say that if things
for some unforeseen
reason don't work out,
you always have a job
with us on the joke wall.
(audience applause)
- Say goodnight, Dick.
- I don't think we
ought to call him Dick.
- No, no, I was speaking to you.
We have to get back to
the rest of the group, right?
What about him?
- Blow in his ear, he'll
follow you anywhere.
(audience applause)
Anything you'd
care to add to that?
- Well, just that our president
is a pretty good sport.
- You're darn right
and he's watching tonight.
- Hey, good, let's
invite him to the party.
- Splendid notion, Harvey.
- You and me and him.
- You and me and the prez.
Okay, Mr. President,
you're invited to our party
and all the folks
watching with you
and the rest of
you, come on along.
(audience applause)
(dance music)
- Well, I'm all for
violence on campus.
After all, college is
supposed to prepare you
for the world of today.
(dance music)
- Well Goldie, congress has
been meeting for two weeks,
nothing terrible's happened yet.
I guess they're waiting
for the new president
just to get the
ball rolling, huh?
- Well, I think it was awful
making Mr. President
swear on a bible.
- Why?
- Well, if they can't
(laughs) take his word for it
why did they make him president?
- I don't know.
(dance music)
- I saw the 10 commandments
at a drive-in last night.
The couple in the next
car broke nine of them.
(dance music)
- Oh, I asked my ski instructor
what would be the best
thing to wear on the slopes
and he tied a keg of
brandy around my neck.
(dance music)
- My gas station gave
away so many dishes,
they had to put in a third pump.
Now it's regular, premium
and New Locks liquid.
(dance music)
- You want to
come up to my place
and watch the election returns?
- But the elections have
been over for months.
- If you don't tell, I won't.
(dance music)
- Hey, mom just sent me $100
to come home for the weekend.
Dad sent me $200 to stay away.
That's adorable.
(dance music)
- You know, it's
true this summer
that people in the ghettos
broke into television stores
but how else could
they watch Julia
and see how well they're living?
(dance music)
- Hey, I say slums and ghettos
have a definite
place in our cities.
Without them, where
would we put the truck rocks?
(dance music)
- I started to
dabble in the market.
Just yesterday I cornered
a mutual funds salesman.
He's adorable.
(dance music)
- Nancy, I see Lynda
Bird had another baby
and her husband got
promoted to major.
- Really?
Gee, that's terrific.
If she'd had quintuplets,
he'd have been a
five star general, right?
(dance music)
- I'm so glad the
astronauts got back safely.
Now that's what I
call a groovy trip.
(dance music)
- In America they send
the old leader to Texas.
Even in Russia they
would never be that cruel.
(dance music)
(singing)
- I'd like to see you smile.
I'd like to see your legs.
I'd like to see you
miss just once.
- Please don't adjust your sets.
The distortion is in the program
and it's gonna get
worse before it get better
'cause here come the news,
here come the news.
Hold the phone folk,
'cause here come the news.
What's the news
across the nation
We have got the information
In a way we hope it amuse
We just love to
give you our views
La da di da
Ladies and gents,
Laugh-In looks at the news
Here's Dan (audience applause)
- Now, who's the
president, who's the man
to whom the news wouldn't
be the news without the news?
Here's what's his face.
(audience applause)
- In Europe, a naughty
political problem arose today
amongst the Warsaw Pact nation
when Poland
accidentally invaded itself.
(audience laughter)
And further north in England,
Prince Charles continues to
do well at Oxford University
where he is minoring
in higher mathematics
and majoring in King.
(audience laughter)
Finally, in Washington, D.C.,
the Federal Aviation Agency
today gave it's achievement
of the year award to Cuba
for their solution of
the stacking problem
over New York,
Chicago and Los Angeles.
Meanwhile, Fidel Castro
is asking Moscow for help
in clearing up the
stacking problem
of hijacked planes
over Havana Airport.
Take it away, Goldie.
- And now for the news of the
future from 20 years from now,
here's Laugh-In presents
from the Dan Rowan
direct from over there.
Dan, I mean Dick,
oh you got it wrong
again (laughs).
- Sorry, Goldie, I'll try
to do better next week.
California 1989,
20 years from now,
president-elect
Ringo Starr today
revoiced concern over the
worldwide population explosion.
While vacationing at Long Beach,
Mr. Starr said he
swam 100 yards out
and found the people
speaking Chinese.
Hollywood, 1989, avant garde
filmmaker Andy Warhol Junior
today shocked
the entire film world
with his new movie Orgy Girl
which features a love scene
between two fully
clothed people.
In its defense, Warhol
said the clothed scene
was done in excellent taste
and besides, it will only
be shown in foreign markets.
Finally, this item 1989
20 years from now,
at last it happened,
there was peace
in the world today.
Not a shot fired, not a threat,
not an unhappy sound.
Today at last, there
was peace in the world.
Unfortunately, only
lasted a few seconds,
while everybody reloaded.
- Speaking of sand,
Laugh-In News takes
you back to ancient Egypt
which is now in progress.
- What news, oh great prophet?
- Well, my fellow chosen people,
it is with a heavy
heart that I tell you
we are going to leave this place
and go on to a promised land.
- Palestine, on the
banks of the Nile?
- No, Texas on the
banks of the Perdon Alice.
- And now for all
the bull you can bear,
Laugh-In takes
you to Wall Street.
- Blow in my ear
and I'll play guitar
for you all night long.
- Well now, Mildred and I
have managed to build our
life savings into a tidy sum.
What we want is a
secure investment
in some good, safe stocks.
- Excellent.
That's our specialty here
at Less, Fogel, Wasselman,
Bagelman, London and Panich.
We are prepared for any
economic development.
Now, I have two
investment plans,
one is for good times
and one is for bad times.
- Oh, that makes
sense, doesn't it dear?
Good times and bad times.
- Good, now, let's
say the nation's
engulfed in riots and looting,
we invest in window glass
or should there be some
natural disaster such as a flood,
we invest yous
into rubber boats,
or if the war becomes
a serious problem,
we shoot for armaments.
Get it?
- Yes but what if
there are no disasters
and no riots and the war ends?
- Oh, that brings us
to plan b, bad times.
- And now just back
from the Bulgarian
national yo-yo finals,
here's the biggest
yo-yo of them all,
Alan Sues with the sports.
- Oh, hi, big Al here.
(rings bell)
Featurette.
Oh, don't you love that?
Today I witnessed the
thrilling ice boat races
on Lake Michigan.
Frightful!
The lead boat
crashed through the ice
and the driver turned blue.
Imagine that, blue,
and with an orange shirt.
Clash, clash, criminal,
and frigid, oh it's more
than a body can stand.
Ta ta!
Oh, I hate the whole thing!
- You know, I'm glad that me
and my brother on Laugh-In
'cause now for the first
time we can on t.v. say
(clock cuckoos)
You know what I mean?
- You wouldn't be doing this
if the British navy were here.
- The joke's on you, lady.
We are the British navy.
- Ah!
- I'm sorry, Harry,
but I think we're seeing
too much of each other.
- Well, not necessarily.
Here's the way I look at it.
- And there are your
eggs and your tomatoes
and your angel food cake
and here's your watermelon.
- Inaugurate.
(sneezes)
- Would you cut out that noise?
My baby's trying to sleep.
- Oh, shut up.
- Come on, baby.
Let's find some w.
(bells clanging)
- Arr, it must be four bells.
- You got that alright?
- Heavier than I thought.
- There you go.
- There we go.
Just set that
one right on top.
- I'll give you a hand.
- Okay, secret code fans.
It's time for another
secret message.
Remember each number
signifies a letter of the alphabet.
Secret code things, ready?
Here we go.
Two, nine, 16, 16, 25, a clue.
It is something Dick
Martin bets a lot.
- Now it's time for the
Laugh-In discovery of the week.
- And now it's time for the
Laugh-In discovery of the week.
- I just said that,
you ding-a-ling.
- That's where I heard it.
- And now folks, it's time
for the Laugh-In
discovery of the week.
- How you doing, Dan?
- How you doing, matey?
- How are you?
- Well, mates, sorry to
break into you like this
but it's rather
urgent, you know?
- These are the
fabulous LeGarde twins.
- Does that cut down
the appetite at all?
- Well at the very same,
you'll recall my
brother and myself
had a bit of a bad
go here before.
- I remember that.
How's Trix, Ted?
- Oh, you know, the pain
comes and goes, Dick.
- I don't like the trend.
- Are the fabulous LeGarde
Twins attempting a comeback?
- Folks I'm gonna put
the apple on my head.
Ted's gonna put a
spear right through it.
- This ain't the way we
rehearsed it, you know?
- Hello, hello, hello.
Looks like sock
it to me time, folk.
- You know, Nancy, I
think you're absolutely super
but tonight, I get
to sock it to you.
That's weird.
It didn't work.
My big chance
and it didn't work.
- Can I try?
- Be my guest.
- Alright.
It's beautiful right now.
- I guess it worked,
didn't it Nancy?
It's funny how it
did when you had it.
- Oh, my Lucretia Borgas,
you're so beautiful, I love you.
We must get rid of your husband.
- Don't worry, my darling.
I will kill him with this wine.
Now be gone.
- Uh, Lucretia, do you happen
to have something cold to drink?
- Well, here.
(laughs)
- I overheard your plan
to kill me with this wine.
(laughs)
- Not this wine,
you ding-a-long,
with this wine.
That wine.
- No kidding.
- Fire, fire, fire!
(gunfire)
- Okay, this one's on me.
- Alright.
- Okay now, lights,
camera,
action.
- Okay, ready
whenever you are Stevie.
Ouch.
- If you don't talk
Captain, we'll keelhaul you
or hang you from the yard arm
and toss your
remains to the sharks.
- You won't get nothing
out of me except my name,
my rank and my serial number
the exact position of
the entire British fleet.
- I may have to
give up the pipe.
There's just no place
to keep the tobacco.
No, that's where I keep my pipe.
- No, no, no, I mean
in the other ear.
- You have to speak up lady,
I got a pipe in my other ear.
- Incumbent.
- Dick,
did you hear the one
about the elephant
that climbed up the Empire
State Building during a typhoon
after eating a heavy garlic
and pepper sandwich?
- Yeah I heard that one, Goldie.
- Well, would you tell it to me?
I never heard it.
- If Hayley Mills
married Jack Hayley,
she'd be Hayley Hayley
and I'd be very upset,
which is station break talk
for here come the
commercial, folk.
On the other hand, if Pearl
Bailey married Jack Hayley,
divorced him and
married Mayor Daley,
she'd be Pearl
Bailey Hayley Daley
and in Chicago you can
bet that'd be a hot time
in the old town tonight folk.
Sock it to 'em, NBC.
(dance music)
- I was caught
in a riot last week
and I was pushed
and shoved and mauled
by lot of strange men.
I'm going to
another one tonight.
(dance music)
- A friend of mine just
enlisted to fight in Vietnam
but he's not in
any danger though.
He enlisted in the
South Vietnamese army.
(dance music)
- In Russia, they
got no more violence.
They ship it all to
Czechoslovakia.
(dance music)
- Well, I don't
care what you say.
It's really rough being a
college president these days.
You have to have an MA in
science, a Phd in administration
and a black belt in karate.
(dance music)
- College football
is really violent.
At last weeks' game there
were three broken legs,
eight fractured ribs
and 12 pulled ligaments
and down on the
field it was even worse.
(dance music)
- Let's put it this way,
if you like the
democratic convention,
you'll love the
Boston Strangler.
- Go to your room.
(dance music)
- Hello, hello (laughs).
Boris proved that politics
and alcohol don't mix.
Last week he drank
six molotov cocktails
and threw himself in front
of Spiro Agnew (laughs).
Oh my word.
(dance music)
- You know it used to be
that kids looked up
to the cop on the beat
and now they're looking
to beat up on the cop.
- Well the kids in
my neighborhood
still look up to the cops.
I mean, when you're
flat on your back, Matt,
you've got to look up.
(dance music)
- The last night I took
the law into my own hands.
I went out with a meter maid.
(dance music)
- Cain smote Able and slew him,
David smote
Goliath and slew him,
which proves, I suppose,
that smoting may be
hazardous to your health.
(dance music)
- My comedy has found a way
to take the violence
out of firearms.
We make the M16 Rifle.
(dance music)
- When I was a kid,
bombing and killing used
to be called gangsterism.
Now it's called the Saturday
morning kiddie cartoons.
(dance music)
- You know, Goldie, you
can kill more people with a car
than you can with a gun?
- Oh really, when did
they pass that law?
- Goldie, go to your room.
(dance music)
- My proud beauty,
you'll never see
Bonnie, Scotland or Ireland.
- What do I care?
I'm Polish.
- What do you think of
our new wicker furniture?
- Well, it made a definite
impression on me.
- Oh, do you save
the stamps, lady?
- Oh, yes I do.
- There you go.
- The Walnetto and its
Place in American Society
by Tyrone F. Horneye.
"The Walnetto,
small and compact,
easy to carry, friendly,
nice and firm, strong and firm.
And it fits in the
glove compartment."
Thank you.
- Boy oh boy, if there's
one thing I can't stand
it's politics and showbiz.
- Me too.
I don't like it either.
- I know it and you know what?
You're the worst
of them all, you are.
You would've
never gotten that job
if you didn't know
Dicky Smothers mother.
- That's what this show needs,
more probing analysis
of international affairs.
- Mr. Tibbett, as
your psychiatrist,
I say you must have
more confidence in people.
All this suspicion
and doubt is no good.
Now you must learn to
trust your fellow man, right?
Right.
Good day.
- You're right, doctor.
Thank you.
- (laughs) Got you
again, little fella.
Say I grab your shrimpel?
You sure are short, little guy.
- Well folk, once
again it's time
for the flying fickle
finger of fate award.
- Who's the lucky
winner tonight?
- The Bureau of Land Management
and they're the
people you all know
who see to the
needs of the Indians.
- Well what has the great
white bureaucracy done now?
- Hang on, I'm gonna tell you.
By treaty, the Shoshone Indians
have always been
guaranteed the right
to pick the pine nuts
on the reservation.
- Well aren't pine nuts a basic
food of the Shoshone diet?
- You shock me with
your erudition, sir.
- Well, you're kind to say that.
- But now the Bureau
of Land Management
is demanding that
they get a permit
and pay a tax on the pine
nuts that they gather for food.
- Well with that kind
of double dealing
why mess in the forest?
They can go right to the
Bureau of Land Management
and find all the nuts they want.
- Here, Bureau of
Land Management,
place this in your wicky-up.
- Tune in next week when
the flying fickle finger of fate
or the rigid digit as
it's know in Burbank,
goes to Egyptian
president Nasser
for his invention
of the short war.
- Let's bring back World War I
because that was the war where
they used a nice deep trench.
You were safe and
secure in your trench
because your chums
were close at hand
and friendship and togetherness
were the orders of the day.
If we could bring
back World War I
and put all the people in
the world in a deep trench,
there would be no more war.
Thank yous.
- Very interesting
but why don't they
leave well enough alone?
- Millhouse.
- [Male] What is it?
- Do you have a woman in there?
- No, I don't.
- Oh, good.
Okay, lady, here you go.
- Good grief.
- It be rum time, me hardies.
So let's break open the keg.
- Right-O, Captain.
(humming)
- Hey, I got a great idea.
Let's put some
close on and neck.
- The Nose by Henry Gibson.
(humming)
The nose is like a friend to me
It cheers me when I'm blue
It tells me what's for breakfast
And lunch and dinner too
It shields the lip
from falling rain
And warns us of the flu
I could not live without my nose
And I like my nostrils too
- Hello, hello, hello.
As we rejoin our story,
Matt Dillon is talking
to an enormous bullfrog
who is in real
life a hairdresser
at the Burbank Head
Transplant Place.
If we're not too quiet,
we may be able to.
- Welcome back to another
short entertainment break, folks.
- Could you
speed it up a little?
- What, you got a
date after the show?
- No, I'm appearing in
a nude play later tonight
and I have to get
into my costume.
- You're appearing
in a play in the nude?
- Nudity's the latest thing
in the modern theater.
- Well, how could you
do a thing like that?
- Well, my agent said I
needed more exposure.
(laughter)
- Well, aren't you embarrassed?
- I just look at it as another
personal appearance.
- You can't get much
more personal than that.
- The play's about the old west.
- A nude western?
- It's called Cold
in the Saddle.
(laughter)
- I bet it is.
- It's all about life
in the raw out west.
- I imagine makeup'd
take a little while.
- Yeah, I guess.
I kind of feel sorry for the
guy asked to play the sheriff.
- Why is that?
- Well, it takes six guys to
- [Both] pin the badge on him.
- Do you have a
speaking part in this flick?
- You bet your sweet bippy.
I got the best line
in the whole play.
- Which is?
- Howdy, mam, you must
be the new schoolmarm.
- Speaking of potpourri, I
think it's about that time, gang.
- Pardon me, could I
have a table for two?
- Yes sir, right this way.
- Good.
- For our next selection,
we're going to play
she is a better person for that.
- Jo Anne.
- What?
- I'm just so upset.
- Well, what's the matter?
- My son just got drafted and
he's being sent to Vietnam.
- Oh, well you think
you've got problems.
My boy was just
accepted at Berkeley.
- Look out right behind you.
- Hah, I ain't gonna
fall for that old trick.
- Well how about this old trick?
Want to see a bunny?
- Oh, that's better,
much better.
- Oh, please, help me.
- Don't worry, princess.
I'll have you out
of those chains
in a matter of a few weeks.
How about a Walnetto
while you're waiting?
- Save me.
Hey, dum dum, why don't
you go back to the swings?
- What dear?
- The conditions
in the negro slums.
- Oh, yes, and the terrible
conditions in the negro schools.
- Darling, we're going
to have to do something
about the negro.
- Let's give her
a two dollar raise.
- Here comes the judge.
- Your honor,
my client is in jail
and wants me to file a
writ of habeas corpus.
- Oh, nothing to him.
There's no fouls
allowed in that jail.
- Well, I found out what
was wrong with your car.
It's that funny little dobob
connected to the whatchamacallit
behind the hodicky.
- Darling, if I's know that
I wouldn't have asked you
and I would have
done it myself, darling.
- And now, coming out of
retirement especially for Laugh-In,
famous vaudeville
performers of the 1920s
doing their very famous and
difficult spoon catching act.
(audience applause)
(audience laughter)
(drum roll)
(silverware clinging)
(audience laughter)
- [Male] Hey, dummy.
- Can they hear us?
- No, I don't think so.
What's up?
- Listen, are you tired
of being called a
dummy in your act?
- Am I?
Are you kidding?
If there's one thing I'm sick of
it's being called a dummy
of the act all the time.
- I am too and I'm not gonna
be the dummy anymore.
- That's a good idea.
I'm not gonna be the
dummy anymore either.
- Right, enough of
that dummy stuff.
- [Male] Hey, dummy.
- Coming.
- Coming.
- Spiro.
- Any shoes to be shined?
Thank you.
- [Male] Wait a minute, here.
- Thank you.
- Wait a minute, here.
(horse whinnies)
- Whatever turns you on, sir.
- Wow, that's great
but how did you recognize me?
- I never forget a face.
- Would you excuse me?
Just excuse me?
- Forget about me,
Dick, I'm no good for you.
- Alright, I believe that's it.
Thank you very much.
Uh oh, you forgot
your cream pie.
(screaming)
- Remember kiddies, when
we left Captain Curly and Freckle
they had just escaped
from the Amazon village
and were heading up
the river to certain death?
Let's see what
they're singing now.
If you're kinda dumb
here's a job for you chum
Be a meter maid A meter maid
You don't have to talk
Mark a tire with some chalk
You're a meter maid A meter maid
You don't have to
have any Phd, kid
You don't have to
use any ESP, kid
Just try to act like a VIP, kid
You'll be a meter maid
You'll keep nice and warm
in your cute union form
Be a meter maid A meter maid
You'll feel kind of neat when
you cruise down the street
You're a meter maid A meter maid
You may not defy
and the fella hollars
Just grab the guy
by his nero collar
Tell him you'll find it
was worth two dollars
To meet a meter maid
You never met a sweeter group
of chicks who check a meter
We're a breed who sort of
like dispensing law and order
Wrapping dimes and nickels
on our groovy motorcycles
Because we're the meter fuzz
You wanted to clerk
but you can't cut the work
Be a meter maid A meter maid
You're tiny up here
but you're big in the rear
Be a meter maid A meter maid
The ticket we give
gonna start 'em squawking
We're wearing boots
but they're not for walking
Here come the judge
and there's no back talking
When you're a meter maid Yeah
When you're a meter maid
When you're a meter maid
(audience applause)
- Uh, listen sport fans,
as you'll probably recall,
much of the oratory in the
recent presidential campaign
centered on the
issue of law and order.
- I'm a sex and
violence man myself.
- Now you can make
light of it if you want.
- Alright, I will.
- I was speaking metaphorically.
- Were you now?
Sounded ever so
much like English.
- Dick, I'm trying to make
a point about law and order.
Now, you're not in favor of
violence in the sheets, are you?
- That's streets.
- You I know what
I meant, bracy.
You're not in favor of
violence in the streets?
- Well, certainly not.
- Good.
I like to keep my violence in
the privacy of my own home.
- I don't want to hear anymore.
- Last night I got so violent,
they had to call one
of Burbank's finest.
- Oh, policeman?
- That's funny, she told me
she was an airline stewardess.
- What's that got to
do with law and order?
- Well, first I advised
her of her rights.
Then, I subjected her
to a thorough, thorough
cross examination.
- I can see why you'd
get a little mixed up there.
- Took me three hours just
to dust her for fingerprints.
- Be that as it may,
some people today feel
the police have a tendency.
(laughing)
Pay attention.
Some people feel that
the police have a tendency
to be overly conscientious
in performing their duties.
(dance music)
- Well Cummings, it's
your first day on duty.
Did you get your motorcycle?
- Yes, sir.
Boy, it sure goes fast.
- Alright, now let me
give you a little quiz.
What do you do if a
suspect pulls a gun on you?
- I take away his gun.
- No, you can't do that.
That's illegal
search and seizure.
- Well, I can hit him with
my night stick and arrest him.
- No, you ninny,
that's police brutality
and if he's innocent
that's a false arrest.
- But if he's pointing
the gun at me,
isn't there any way I can
protect myself legally?
- Course, Cummings,
that's why we gave
you a fast motorcycle.
- Boy, it sure goes fast.
(dance music)
- Under our system
of jurisprudence,
every man is entitled
to his day in court
whether he's done
anything or not.
- On the other hand, the
police have their own problems.
- That seems fair enough.
- Sure.
- Well now, before we
question you, Mr. Wacker,
it's my duty to inform
you that anything you say
may be used in
evidence against you.
Course, you do have right to
be represented by legal counsel
if you so desire
and you are entitled
to be silent if you wish.
Do you understand that, sir?
- Yes.
- Good.
Now talk, you little rat.
- He pushed me, he pushed me.
- Last tag.
- Well push him
back, you big ninny.
- The police are
certainly unreasonable.
Last week, they
arrested a student
just for making
noise in the library
and it wasn't even his fault.
I mean, after all, how do
you set off a bomb quietly?
(dance music)
- Every week on the
streets of New York,
women are constantly
being accosted.
It's terrible.
Do you realize what it costs me
to go back and forth to
New York every week?
- Gee, Goldie, I really
hope that President Nixon
understands all about the
new Supreme Court decisions,
about all the arrests
and everything?
Because frankly,
I'm getting confused.
- Well, you know it's as
simple as falling off a log.
- Oh yeah?
- Mmhmm.
- How does it work?
- Well, you just kind of slide
down to the end of the log,
kind of lean over like this.
- Goldie, that's dumb.
(dance music)
- Hey, hey, hey, don't
move, you're under arrest.
- Just, just, just, just,
just, just a minute.
You legally have to
advise me of my rights
before you pull me in, huh?
- Are you sure it's before?
This I my first arrest.
- Well, it ain't mine.
That's the law.
- Okay.
You are hereby
advised that anything...
- You may say, - Oh yeah, yeah.
- Anything you may, may...
- Anything you might say...
- May say, dum dum.
- Hey, what is this?
I'll take you in any way I want.
- No, no, wait a minute.
Wait a minute,
officer, he's right.
I'm a lawyer.
Now the law says...
- You keep out of this.
- Well no, wait a minute.
Technically it's a false arrest
you're trying to make here.
You can't do that.
- That does it.
You're under arrest
for interfering with
an officer's duty.
- Wait a minute,
where are you going?
Hold it there, little fella.
I'm making a
citizens arrest on you
and charging you
with attempted theft.
- Well, you take
your hands off me.
- That's assault and battery.
I'm making a
citizens arrest on you.
- Hey, both of
you, cut that out.
- You can't do that.
You can't do that.
That's police brutality.
- I'm putting an arrest on you.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Oh yeah?
You're under arrest to.
- No, no, I was just gonna
go visit my Aunt Sarah.
(suspicious music)
We got to have a
little law and order
Or everything is
getting out of hand
Now if there wasn't law
enforcement how would it look
What could ever take the
place of catching a crook
We mean, you got to use
a night stick and a pistol
You got to use a
little tear gas too
Let's give those bad
kids a faceful of mace
'Cause law and
order, we love you
- There's a lot of lawbreakers
around in my neighborhood.
Everybody knows there's
a peeping tom loose.
It makes me so nervous
I can hardly hold
my binoculars steady.
- I say the law in
this country is partial.
If a rich man double
parks his limousine,
he gets a ticket.
You never see a
poor man get a ticket
for double parking
his limousine.
- Lot of people complain today
that we have law and
order without justice.
Well, two out of
three isn't bad.
We hold alumni
meetings in Chicago
We spend a lot of
time in Berkeley too
We really are a nicer group
than you would suspect
We try to be the kind of
people kids will respect
Although we can't put up
with student demonstrations
Let's put away the
whole disheveled crew
We give the bad
kids a hit in the head
Oh, Mayor Daley, we love you
- It's terrible what's
happening on our streets today.
Last week, I got badly beaten up
fighting for a woman's honor.
Next time I'll pick
a smaller woman.
Law and order It's
the last thing people do
Let's give the bad
kids a kick in the ribs
'Cause law and order
we love you, we do
Law and order we
love you, it's true
Law and order we love you
- I don't know
what it be, Johnson
but there's something wrong
with your navigation lately.
- You're kidding?
- Give me that thing, stupid.
- Meanwhile, in
another part of town...
- Quick, where's the manager?
- He's out.
- Well, where are the
assistant manager?
- He's not here either.
- Well, how about the owner?
- I'm trying to tell you
lady, they're all gone.
I'm here alone.
(screams)
That's terrific.
Now, stick 'em up, kissy face.
Empty it.
(sirens buzzing)
- Flag.
- Well, Dick, I see
by the old calendar
there on the studio wall,
it's time to say goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight, Dan.
- Alan, go to your room.
- Goodnight, Dick.
Goodnight, dad.
- Very interesting.
- I wonder if you'd mind if I
told you what my aunt said
when she was trapped
in a sleeping bag
with 14 unemployed
Swiss bell ringers.
- You mean, your aunt
was actually trapped
in a sleeping bag with 14
unemployed Swiss bell ringers?
- I didn't know that.
- Well, she must
have said something.
- You bet your sweet bippy.
- Say goodnight.
- Goodnight Dick.
You mean they actually get
laughs for this kind of stuff?
- Knock, knock.
- Who's there?
- Draft notice.
- I don't get it.
- You will.
You'll be a better
person for it.
- Hey Judy.
- Yeah.
- Would you name five
things that contain milk?
- Um, cheese, butter
and three cows.
- Mo, mo, mo, girls.
That's awfully close
to a chicken joke.
- Transplants are okay I guess
but who's gonna water
them when you're out of town?
- Hey, I know an acrobat
who walks on his hands, Ruth.
- Oh yeah, well
who's gonna water him
when you're out of town?
- Hey Dick.
(yells)
What's a legal secretary?
- Oh, one that's
over 18 years old.
- Thank goodness.
- Henry.
I understand Twiggy's
taking accordion lessons.
- Yeah transplants
are okay I guess
but who's gonna water
her when she's out of town?
- Hey Ruth, what time is it?
- In two minutes,
it'll be nine thirty.
- I don't mean in two
minutes, I mean now.
- Oh, four thirty.
- I feel terrible.
I dropped my watch in the lake.
- Did it stop?
- No, it went right
to the bottom.
- Well, you won't have
to water it anymore.
- I'd give $1,000
to be a millionaire.
- Did you hear about the man
who was stabbed seven times,
run over by a truck,
fell off the San
Francisco Bridge
and was flattened
by a passing tugboat?
- Oh, no.
Where is he?
- Well, he's in Cedars of
Lebanon, Mount Cyanide,
St. John's and
the city hospital.
- Well yeah but who's gonna
water him in all those places?
- It's always been my philosophy
that we're here to help other.
- Oh yeah?
- [Female] Yeah.
- Then what are
the others here for?
- Help, help, I burnt
my brussel sprouts.
- According to you, suntan oil.
- Wait a minute, that's dumb.
- Jo Anne, King Kong's coming
and he's gonna need watering.
- Well stall him until I slip
into something, how you say,
more comfortable.
- Hey Alan, what's
the penalty for bigamy?
- Burnt brussel sprouts.
- Go to your room
and water it, will you?
(upbeat music)
- Hey, what do you do when
winter comes around here?
- Winter?
We wear our boots, silly.
- Alright, Mr. Lashers,
give that man 50 lashes.
- Aye, Captain.
One, two...
- What are you doing?
- Excuse me.
Does this train go to New York?
- No, it goes to Topeka.
- Topeka.
See gang, I was right,
we're in the wrong train.
- Always happens to me.
- It said on my ticket,
it didn't say Topeka.
- I think it said peak, son.
- Excuse me, does this
train go to New York?
- No, it goes to Topeka.
- Oh, you see, I was right,
we're on the wrong train.
- This show was prerecorded
so the new president
could broadcast it
to our enemies overseas.
- Very interesting
but I thought that was forbidden
by the Geneva Convention.
Goodnight, Mr. President.
I hope your spiro is better
and your dahlias
are flourishing.