Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 2, Episode 18 - Episode #2.18 - full transcript
- [Announcer] The following
program is brought to you
in living color on NBC.
- I don't know how to tell
you this Mister Rickles,
but you're pregnant.
(laughter)
- That's what I get for
doing a show on ABC.
- Bartender, let me
have another beer.
- [Bartender] Now, cut that out.
(swing music)
- Did ya make a wish?
Happy birthday, ha ha ha ha.
Make a wish.
- Waiter, there's
a fly in my soup.
- By golly, there is.
(laughter)
(drum roll)
- And now, from the steam room
of the beautiful downtown
Burbank post office,
and maternity ward,
NBC presents this
week's special deliveries,
Dan Rowan and the
lovely Dan Rowan,
who will be played
tonight by Dick Martin.
Starring Dan Rowan,
and Dick Martin,
with guest star, Don Rickles,
and Judy Carne,
Arte Johnson,
with Ruth Buzzi, Henry Gibson,
Goldie Hawn, Dave Madden,
Alan Sues, and Jo Anne Worley,
with Chelsea Brown, JJ Barry,
and yours truly, Gary Owens,
as told to Morgul,
as the Friendly Drelb.
Hey Goldie, my clock
seems to be wrong.
Do you have the right time?
- Yep.
(laughter)
- Say, did you hear
about the circus fat lady,
fell on the dog-faced boy?
- No, what happened?
- One of those freak
accidents, I guess.
(laughter)
- Hey Judy.
- Yeah.
- How do you feel
about Proposition One?
- Very sentimental.
- This won all those Emmy's?
- Hey, anybody know anything
about 17th century poets?
- Yeah, they're all
dead, you dummy.
- And boring.
- You're a sick broad.
- [Jo Anne] Boring.
- Goldie.
- [Don] I hope you
get a boil on your neck.
(laughter)
- Goldie?
- [Goldie] What?
- How does your new car go?
- Vroom, vroom, vroom.
- Hey, what do you think
of wintering in Miami,
and summering in Cape Cod?
- It sure beats
falling in Burbank.
- Did you hear about
the new antibiotic
that you jab behind each ear?
It's called strepto
my this, ha ha ha.
That's funny.
- No.
That's dumb.
Real dumb.
- I got a funny feeling
Goldie ain't no rocket scientist.
- Hey Alan.
(confused shouting)
- You sick broad. (muffled)
- What is it sugar?
- Well, I was just wondering...
- Yeah.
- If you would make pork
chops for me at your house,
I would come over to
dinner, on the condition,
that they were very, very lean.
- Which way?
- You know, one like
this, and one like this.
- I'm on again guys.
- [Unknown Voiceover] Great.
- I feel like Jerry Mahoney
and the wood went bad.
(laughter)
Knock, knock.
- Who's there?
- The boogie man you dummy.
How should I know, I'm new
around here, you hockey puck.
- So am I.
- Let's hear it for the new kid.
- Doctor, my husband
limps because
he has one leg
shorter than the other.
What would you do in his case?
- Well, one foot
would go like this,
and one foot would go like this.
- Here, Henry.
- Did you know that at the
Burbank College of Fine Arts,
they make bring your
own box of Crayolas?
- That kid certainly
is a bundle of laughs.
He's got an IQ of a dead plant.
Whoopee, whoopee.
- Do you know Joe Pine?
- What?
- [JJ] Do you know Joe Pine?
- Ha ha ha, no but I know
his brother Lonesome Pine.
- Do you know Johnny Cash?
- No, but I know his spinster
sister, Lonesome Pine.
(laughter)
- The baby just swallowed the
house key, what should I do?
- Climb in through the window.
- Hey Gladys?
- [Gladys] Yeah.
- How do you feel
about Proposition One?
- My place or yours.
- Sure, blow in her ear, and
she'll follow you anywhere.
Oh, I'm so lonely, help me.
Help me.
Come in the booth.
(confused shouting)
- Yesterday you recall,
we left just plain Bill,
at Helen Trent's house,
with our gal Sunday.
On Monday, Ma Perkins
went to see Tuesday Weld,
at the Wednesday
matinee, on Thursday,
with Joe Friday.
And there's another
week, shot to smithereens.
- What Gary really means is,
it's been a week since we've
heard from Dan and Dick, folks.
(swing music)
- That's not necessary.
- Hold those crowds back.
- You're too kind.
No, no more, can't
take any more.
- Refreshing.
- You seem a little depressed
tonight, what's the matter?
- I just came from a funeral.
- Oh, not Uncle Willard again?
- No no, my cousin, Little Leo.
- Little Leo.
- Yeah, 14 inches high.
Perfectly formed.
Amazing.
- 14 inches high?
- Yeah, but there's something
special about Little Leo.
- [Dan] Oh.
- Yeah, whenever you're
around him, you feel 10 feet tall.
- Must've been quite a guy, huh?
- I never will forget
the last time I saw him.
- Why, he queried.
- Well, he was in the hospital,
trying to get a
bippy transplant.
- Oh, mighty serious operation.
- It is if you're a singer.
- [Dan] Oh, cousin
Leo's a singer?
- No, he was a dancer.
Only man I ever saw,
danced the limbo
under the white line
in the middle of the road.
- And he got hit by a car,
and died on the highway.
- No no, he died in
Tony's Pizza Parlor.
- Tony's Pizza Parlor.
- Yeah, what happened
was, you see he
used to take off his shoes,
and climb into the pizza,
and spread around the cheese.
- And he got hit by a car?
- No, he got his foot
caught in the mozzarella
and the chef mistook him
for a piece of pepperoni.
(laughter)
- I really can't believe it.
- I can't either.
He didn't even look Italian.
- That's not the reason
I couldn't believe it.
- How could you figure?
- I'll ask him
about the funeral.
How was the funeral?
- Delicious.
- Why don't you try
to forget all your grief,
and come along to the party.
- Do they have any
hors d'oeuvres there?
- As a matter of fact
they have little pizzas.
- Oh great, it'll be great
to see Little Leo again.
- Come on, you're
invited to the pizza party.
(applause)
(old man humming)
- How would you
like a little bite?
How'd you like a little drink?
How'd you like a
rap in the mouth?
(laughter)
I think I'll go down
to the swings.
- See it at your drive-in
theater, in living color.
Excitement, danger,
thrills, chills, spills.
See the impossible.
See Lawrence Harvey, in
the Son of Terese and Isabel.
- Hello, I'm Judy Carne,
your campus girl on the go.
And tonight, I'm talking with
a modern Johnny Appleseed.
Tell me Johnny, what
exactly do you do?
- Well, you know, I just
wander around the campuses,
planting seeds wherever I go.
- Then in a few
years, thanks to you,
our colleges and universities
will be lined with
apple trees, right?
- Apple trees?
Hey, you're putting me
on, aren't you ma'am?
You can't smoke apples.
They won't stay lit.
- There's another
corn silk joke.
- Moving right along,
here's this week's discovery,
Miss Carol Worthington.
(squeaking)
No, that isn't her.
In the merry month of May
I fell out of love
When I left I really
hated you be rude
So I Put a little
something in his food
- Ah, you would have died.
I'll never forget the
last thing he said was,
it needed salt.
So I gave it to him.
To the poison he wasn't immune
So this is the end of the tune
But I'm working on
another one for you
- Wanna hear it?
Don't let the (muffled) go in,
It's not sanitary
Don't grab me with a bear claw
- A little short
in the (muffled)
but I ain't (muffled).
(applause)
- That was great, huh?
- Yeah, but it wasn't
as good as the girl
I used to know in Topeka.
- Oh really, what did she do?
- Well, she dives in
this huge tank of water
that's filled with piranha fish,
and sharks, and a whole
school of barracuda.
- Wow.
That sounds exciting,
can we get her?
- Nope, the fish already did.
(laughter)
- People wonder
why I act so tough.
Well when you wear high
heels, ya gotta be tough.
(laughter)
Power leader Eldridge Cleaver
Had a wife but had to leave her
He skipped bail at 50 thou
I wonder where he's
hiding now (laughter)
(upbeat music)
- Waiter, I ordered
scrambled eggs.
- Scrambled eggs?
Coming up.
(laughter)
- Speed kills.
- Here you are, lady.
She bothering you sir?
- Okay, what'll you have?
- I think I'll have
the fruit salad.
- Right.
(laughter)
(knocking on door)
- Quick, it's my husband.
- So, at last I caught you.
- Are you out of your
mind, we live upstairs.
- Oh, I'm sorry honey.
(laughter)
- Years ago when you
wanted to torture someone
you chained them in a room
and let the water fall on them.
Drop by drop, for
weeks at a time.
It's hard to believe
that anybody
could come up with
anything worse than that.
But somebody did.
And here it is, the
Laugh-In news report.
What's the news
across the nation
We have got the information
In a way we hope will amuse you
We just love to
give you our views
La da de da
Ladies and Gents,
Laugh-In looks at the news!
(applause)
Here's Dan
- And now, are they all through?
And now with the
news of the present,
here's the man to whom the
news wouldn't be the news
without the news,
here's what's-his-name.
- Those kids gotta
learn to cheer up.
Yale University, the
faculty has finally approved
the admission of women
students next year,
ending a 266 year old
tradition of men only.
The news was greeted with
cheers by the student body,
who, when last
measured, was 42-24-36.
Warsaw, Poland, the
Polish Olympic trials
were canceled today, when
they lost the boomerang.
Hollywood, screen
star Raquel Welch
formed a brassiere
company today,
and offered
shares to the public.
It is expected this
will be the first stock
in the history of Wall Street
that ever went up and out.
Think about it.
Take it away, Goldie.
(drum roll)
- And now with the
news of the future,
here's our man of
the future, here's Dan.
- Goldie, that was perfect.
You know something else?
I'm not surprised.
- Oh, well I'll get it
right when we tape it.
- 1989, 20 years from now.
Transplants reached
their peak today.
In a brief, painless operation
during which the patient,
Mister Neal Adams,
became Miss Neal Adams.
(laughter)
1989, 20 years from now,
George Jessel and Margaret
Rutherford were finally married
in a private ceremony
in the Hollywood Bowl.
Immediately afterwards they
left for a secluded honeymoon
on the Ed Sullivan Show,
Miss Rutherford's
children by her marriages,
and Mister Jessel's children
by his former engagements.
- Go like this and stay long.
- The White House,
1989, 20 years from now.
Newly elected
President, Goldie Hawn,
held her first press
conference today,
and fulfilled three of
her campaign promises.
One, she announced she
would make Poland the 51st state.
Two, she has sent a formal note,
asking ABC to stop the bombing.
And three, she has
appointed Sammy Davis, Jr.
Ambassador to Israel,
and said he will leave soon
for an eye-to-eye
meeting with Moshe Dayan.
(laughter)
- Looking into the past,
we now take you back
to that great day when Betsy
Ross had old Harry in stitches.
- What's on the
bottom of that flag?
- A ruffle.
- You expect me to lead
my men on with a ruffle?
- I've been doing it for years.
(laughter)
- Of late, this country
has seen much turmoil
in the field of education.
Schools have come in
for a great deal of
criticism and censure.
Laugh-In news report however,
wonders if all the fault
lies with the school?
- I've had it, I've
had it, that's it.
It's over.
No, that's it,
I've had it, no no.
I don't want to discuss it.
I've had it.
I've had it.
- [Dan] What's the matter?
What's the matter, huh?
A kid just hit me in
the mouth with a brick,
that's what's the matter.
- Oh good heavens, well you
told him that was very wrong.
- Oh no.
- You didn't, why not?
- Because I had the
brick in my mouth,
that's why, you dummy.
(laughter)
It was Henry Rogers.
He's right outside.
- [Dan] Well bring him in.
- I'll bring him in.
I'll get him in the chair,
get some raw meat,
or peanut butter, anything.
Tick tock, tick tock, sit, sit.
Tell him you're
Frank Buck, good.
- Let's try to understand Henry,
after all, you must remember,
he came from a broken home.
- I know, he broke it himself.
- Maybe we ought
to send for his mother.
- I sent for her, yes ma'am.
- [Dan] Oh, we're
fine, bring her in.
- I'll get her,
she's right outside.
I'll bring her in.
Here, my dear.
- Hello, Mrs. Rogers.
- Good afternoon.
- I don't like to
have to tell you this,
but we're having a
problem with Henry.
He's using foul
language, and violence.
- Foul language and
violence?
- Yes, I'm afraid so.
- Why you lousy little...
- Mrs. Rogers, Mrs. Rogers,
that's the wrong
kind of discipline.
- That's right, that's right.
Mrs. Rogers, when I was
a kid if I did anything wrong,
I was sent to bed
without any supper.
That's right, don't
give me all right,
because I'll tell
you a few things.
Till I was 21 years old,
I weighed 47
pounds, you here me?
47 pounds.
Today the kids around are wild.
That's right, they're wild.
They read these
nutty comic books.
Are you ready?
Are you ready, sir?
Listen to this, here.
The thing without a face.
All right, the face
without a thing.
The face with a
thing in its face.
The thing with a
face in its thing.
The thing with a
thing in its thing.
Well, well, do you realize Henry
is becoming interested in girls?
- What makes you think so?
- His wife keeps
complaining about him.
- His wife?
- She helps me with class, here.
She helps me with my
reading at the hard parts.
- Yeah, the hard parts.
Run Spot run, see the
rabbit jump over the fence,
boop boop de boop,
you little rotten kid you.
- Well, I think
maybe you ought to
keep Henry after school.
- I do, I'll keep him
after school, I do.
While they're studying,
I sit with the baby.
- The baby.
Well, how did that happen?
- Like we learned in biology,
you see, I am the
boy bee, and I fly...
- Never mind, Henry.
That's enough, Henry.
- Wait a minute this was
just getting interesting.
- I mean, do you
see what I mean,
she let's this boy
get away with murder,
and I wind up paying
for it, that's what happens.
- What are you talking about?
- I've had it with your kid.
Every day, every day,
it's Henry sit down,
Henry shut up, Henry stand
up, Henry put me down,
I can't take it anymore.
I think some sort of
punishment is in order.
I'm fed up with Henry.
- You know, you're right.
- Oh, bubby,
what was that you were saying
about the birds and the bees?
- Hello.
Time now for the sports news.
Here is Laugh-In's
play-by-play sportscaster,
the one guy on the show,
who really knows
how to play ball.
Here's Alan Sues.
- Oh, hi.
Big Al here, and
the old soccer puck.
With a featurette.
Love my bell.
The horseshoe pitching
world, was rocked last night,
when the High
Commissioner of Horseshoes,
demanded that David
Niron, the new champion,
give back his title.
The commissioner claimed
that Niron had violated the rules,
when he refused to remove
the horseshoes from the horses.
I don't like to see that.
Poor sport.
That's it, ta ta.
- Well, that's the
news for tonight.
Hey, what do you got there?
- It's just a stack of fan mail.
I thought we could
save a lot of time
by answering it on
the air, you know.
- We don't have time to do that.
- Oh, sure we
have, it won't take,
watch this, watch this.
Yes.
No.
No.
No.
Yes.
Maybe.
Yes.
No.
Yes.
And no to that lady
in Palmer, Ohio,
you bet your sweet bippy.
- Give me those.
You're right, that's a no.
- That's a no no.
- Oh, Betsy,
remember when I stood
in the front of the boat,
with my cape
snapping in the wind,
and everybody said
I looked so great.
- Well I couldn't hear them.
I was in the rear of the boat,
up to my thighs
in gale and bilge.
- That high?
- Yeah, you want
to see my waterline?
(upbeat music)
- Hey Don.
- Excuse me ma'am,
but your husband
just slid under the table.
- Oh no, my husband just
walked through the door.
- Dummy.
- Hello, I'm Cliff Robertson,
I'd like to talk to you for
just one brief moment,
about something very serious,
something I'm,
concerned and involved in.
And I hope you are
too, it's this problem,
on television of violence.
- You don't say?
- Whatever show you turn on,
you're bound to
see some violence.
And it makes me,
it makes me upset and angry.
And I think probably
you feel the same way.
- You don't say?
- It seems like every
time you turn on the,
the darn television,
there's hitting and violence,
and I wish all of you
would do your bit to,
to correct this...
- And now ladies and gentlemen,
here is a real Laugh-In extra.
We feel very
privileged to bring you
one of today's
leading folksingers.
And I'm sure,
as you listen to Joan
Baez sing these two songs,
her rare artistry and
unique interpretations,
will tax your emotions.
(knocking)
What happened?
- I guess she heard you say
you were gonna tax something,
and she took off.
- Why don't you let me try it?
(applause) (rock music)
- The election was so close,
that at the inauguration,
they let Humphrey put
two fingers on the Bible.
- It's so silly getting all
uptight with anxieties.
I say, just sit back, relax,
and let your troubles
go up in smoke.
- Hey, I don't think the poor
should be
demonstrating and rioting.
After all, you don't see
us rich people doing it.
- I had a complete
physical examination today.
Oh, I didn't need it,
but it was just so good
to have a man say,
first, take your clothes off.
- Commit for to mine attention,
that East Germany wants to
make it a better relation chicks.
They're planning to for to
pushing a picture window
in the Berlin wall.
- I had to walk over here.
I washed my car last night,
and I can't do a thing with it.
- I think water
skiing is dangerous.
Last week I was going so fast,
I got dizzy and nearly
fell out of the bathtub.
- Well, frankly I think
anyone who doesn't vote
for a stronger gun control law,
ought to be, shot.
- Suddenly, it wasn't the
man I loved and married at all,
it was like, shooting
a total stranger.
- You know I don't believe
in long engagements.
- Neither do I.
It's too hard on the children.
- I have nothing
against hippies.
I just wish they wouldn't refer
to Baptism as a sprinkle-in.
- Vietnam isn't
hard to understand,
it's just that our
country feels that no one
has the right to go in
there, burn their villages,
take over their land,
the way we did to the
Indians in this country.
- You know it's hard to believe
that most of the trouble
in the world today,
started in the Garden of Eden,
when Eve reached
out for that fruit.
- Mayor John Lindsay,
today announced,
that the practice of dressing
policemen as women,
in order to attract muggers,
has been highly successful.
So far, it has
resulted in 350 arrests,
200 convictions, and
27 very happy marriages.
- Oh, yeah, I like that.
- You're welcome.
- No, I mean your
new Nehru jacket.
- Yeah, I gotta
get one of those.
- You're wearing one of those.
- Oh this, this is my
new Nehru jacket.
- Never would've known it.
- Lady gave it to me last night.
- Oh, really?
- Guru lady.
- Hippy?
- Not since she fasted.
(laughter)
- Sort of a play on words there.
It's not really what I meant.
- She lost 12 of the
best pounds of my life.
(laughter)
- Chubby, wouldn't
hurt you to fast a little bit.
- Are you kidding?
I fasted a whole week.
- Yeah?
That's a good start.
- Worst five days of my life.
- How do you fast
a week in five days?
- It was a fast fast.
- A fast fast.
You don't look any thinner.
- If I hadn't eaten
something every day,
I never would've made it.
- My first letter is
from a housewife
with an unusual problem.
Dear Ruth,
I am a housewife with
an unusual problem.
We have been married 12 years,
and have six children.
My husband is
constantly embracing me,
and kissing me in
a passionate frenzy.
As a result, I suffer
from total exhaustion,
and have lost nearly 30 pounds.
What's a mother to do?
Signed, Bedridden.
Dear, dear Bedridden,
I can't really solve
your problem.
But I will include your
letter in my new book,
Helpful Hints for
Weight Watchers.
- The most asked
question this week,
is who was the
first man to cross
the Pacific and Atlantic
Oceans with a one-man rowboat?
- The answer to
this question is,
Mister George Shapiro,
the same man who crossed a
Great Dane with a hippopotamus.
- The answer to our
second most asked question,
the strangest homicide on file,
was that of Mister
George Shapiro,
who was eaten by the
world's first hippodane.
- Sure, there's
another hippodane joke.
- Hippodane?
Oh, look that up in
your Funk and Wagnall.
- I looked it up in my
Doctor Spock,
but I couldn't find it
under care and feeding
of baby hippodanes.
- I used to know all
that stuff, just like Goldie.
- Speaking of bird
calls, it's a rare privilege
to bring you once again,
Mister Arte Johnson,
and his impression
of the yellow-breasted,
puce-billed, hookscrat.
(Arte making strange
moaning noises)
- Once again, it's time
for the Flying Fickle
Finger of Fate Award.
- How right you are sir.
Tonight's winner is
the Equal Employment
Opportunity Commission.
- Oh, what did
those boys do now?
- Hang on, I'm gonna tell you.
The commission ruled
that classified job ads
can no longer be
listed under separate
male and female headings,
because that's discriminating
on the basis of sex.
- And if there's one
thing I don't want to do,
it's discriminate
it's against sex.
- Right, whatever you name is.
And so, here's a Flying
Fickle Finger of Fate,
to the members of the
Equal Employment
Opportunity Commission,
for deciding there's
absolutely no difference
between men and women.
- You know, I'm so inspired,
I decided to be
the first on my block
to go along with
this new ruling.
- Good man.
- Today, just today, I went
out and hired a new houseboy.
- Great.
- I'll be right there, Hortense.
- Betsy, you know you're
the only woman for me.
- Oh, go tell it to Martha.
- Oh, she's gone crazy,
dipping everything into chocolate.
Yesterday, by mistake,
I bit into one of the kids.
- How old did you say you were?
(laughter)
- Do you allow
substitutes on the dinner?
- Why, of course sir.
- Well then, instead of carrots,
could I have a
free trip to Europe?
- Oh Betsy, I'm
just wild about you.
When I'm not near you,
my heart bleeds for you.
- Oh, bug off George,
I've only got four
days until Flag Day.
- Cuckoo.
(laughter)
- My life is one
big weenie roast.
- Here's a little beauty.
Just a moment, sir.
Can't forget the bib.
(laughter)
- Well I see by the old
clock on...
- Oh, oh.
- Something bothering you?
- No, meant to tell you,
someone called you.
- Oh yeah?
Did they leave a message?
- Well, he wouldn't tell
me, it was too important.
- Did he leave a number?
- Yeah, I believe it was six.
- Six?
- Well, that's when you're
supposed to meet him.
- Oh, well where am I
supposed to meet him?
- He wouldn't say,
it was too important.
- What did he sound like?
- Very important.
- Can't you remember anything?
- Well, he did speak
with an accent.
- What kind of an accent?
- He didn't say.
- Well, I guess it's not
as important as all that,
I want to tell you...
- He did say something
about life or death, though.
- Did he say whose?
- No, he did say
he'd call back, though.
- Did he say when?
- Well don't worry, if he
calls back, I'll take a message.
- Oh, that'd be swell.
Friends, with that in mind,
let's take a look
at what's going on
in that mod, mod world of ours.
(upbeat music)
- And now we take you
to our reporter at the UN,
for a fast-breaking story.
- Ruth, the turmoil here
at the Security Council,
is indescribable.
Not 20 minutes ago,
for reasons not yet clear,
war was declared
between Scotland and Peru.
Both countries'
delegates are now meeting
at an undisclosed location.
- Aye, laddie, aye, it worked.
After years of going unnoticed,
we finally got some attention.
- It was a good idea, I'm
glad that I thought of it.
- You thought of it?
I do not like to differ,
but it was my idea.
You haven't had an idea
since you got into the UN.
- Everybody knows that
the Scot are too cheap
to give away an idea,
even if they had one,
which you didn't, you Scotchman.
- All right, all
right, that's it.
If you want to fight
about it, the war is off.
That's it.
- Fail.
- Fail yourself.
(upbeat music)
- Child psychology hint
number 15, the precocious child.
If your child is constantly
arguing with you,
try the Lasfogel method.
First appeal to his
high intelligence,
using logic, in a firm
eye-to-eye confrontation,
relying on the
child-parent relationship,
in giving and taking,
in a reasonable way.
If this doesn't work,
use the Wasserman method.
Break a chair over his head.
(laughter)
- Doctor Livingston, I presume?
- Yes, what seems
to be the problem?
- I was bitten by
a hippopotamus.
- Well take these two aspirin
and call me tomorrow morning.
- Hi Paul, Hi Miriam.
I'm not gonna tell ya again,
stop smiling at that man.
- Miriam.
I'm not smiling at him.
- You're not, huh?
You're smiling, don't
kid me, don't kid me,
now cut it out.
You've been looking
at him all night.
- Well I have to look
at him occasionally.
After all, he is my husband.
(laughter)
- Hi Harry.
- It's definitely a
suspicious letter.
Oh yeah, there are dirty words.
I'm afraid we're just gonna
have to open this one.
- I know it's part of our job,
but I don't like
snoopin' for the FBI.
- Well, neither do I,
but look at it this way,
suppose this letter was
addressed to your wife, Ursula.
Hm, suppose some nut
was sending this kind of mail
to Ursula, your wife.
- You're right.
Oh my.
Oh this is terrible.
It's awful.
- Come on, it can't be that bad.
- Oh yes it can.
Signed Ursula.
(laughter)
- In a moment we'll return to
the Best of Nancy and Sluggo.
Goldie and me made up a ditty
bump a dump a dump
dump, fluff Henry and me
think that it's pretty
bump a dump a dump dump, quack
It's got a beat happy and whippy
Is it a hit?
You bet your sweet
bippy It's singable
Drinkingable Bump a
dump a dump dump, nerd
Folks on the
farm, really adore it
bump a dump a dump dump, frog
People downtown,
clamoring for it
bump a dump a dump dump, ah
What do you think?
Make a suggestion
What do I think?
Well what was the question?
Non sequitur the heck with her
bump a dump a dump dump, grump
It's got dancing
We checked it out,
hunt and pecked it out
It's romantic
Blow in her ear, she'll
follow you anywhere
Isn't it great?
Isn't it groovy?
Bump a dump a dump dump, shhh
Maybe we'll both,
star in a movie
bump a dump a dump dump, click
Everyone says, we got a winner
What do you think?
Well ask me to
dinner Sensational
Vocational Inflatable
Debreakable
We hashed it out
And shocked it out
Bump a dump a dump dump, love
Bump a dump a dump dump, peace
Bump a dump a dump
dump, kiss (applause)
- And now folks, it's
sock it to me time.
- Hold it Judy, there's
no sock it to you tonight.
- Oh no?
- Hm mm.
- Oh, thanks fellas, cheer on.
- Oh man, not with
Don Rickles here.
- That's right.
- What do you think
you're gonna do?
You're not gonna
sock it me, you're nuts.
- Ah, better than that Don,
we even have a choice for you.
- Forget it.
- Yeah, we have
a choice of three,
water, the trapdoor, or
our mystery sock it to me.
- A mystery sock it to me?
- That's right pal,
take your pick,
water, the trapdoor, or
our mystery sock it to me.
- I'll try the mystery
sock it to me.
- All right, here she is.
(Jo Anne making crazy
noises and laughing)
(laughter)
- You kiss great.
You really kiss
great, funny man.
(laughter)
- I thought they were
only in the jungle.
(laughter)
- That's the mystery
sock it to me.
- All right, that ain't bad.
- Wait'll you try to
chew something.
(laughter)
- Yeah, we like
to think of Jo Anne
as our talking roto-rooter girl.
- She kissed me once,
I went right home and
took a cold shower.
- That's what I
need, a cold shower.
(laughter)
- Say goodnight Don.
- Goodnight Don.
(laughter)
(Jo Anne making crazy noises)
- We hear of the
ferocity of the tiger,
the strength of the elephant,
but when the chips are down,
I will take the water buffalo.
- As we said earlier friends,
time now to move
along now to potpourri.
- If TWA merged with A and P,
they'd probably call it TWAP.
(laughter)
- Lieutenant, my destroyer
counters your light cruiser.
- Mm hm, and I
shift my battleships
and they can cover
your counter action.
- Oh, no they can't.
- They can so.
- They cannot.
- They can, they can.
- They can't can't can't.
- They can, they can,
and they can.
- Can't can't can't.
- Oh yeah they can.
- No they can't.
- Oh ya big baby, now give
me back my rubber duck.
- No.
- Robin hood, robin hood.
- Yes.
- Friar Tuck will hang
tomorrow in Nottingham.
- Around noon?
- No, around the
neck, you dumdum.
- You're no fun anymore Arnold.
- While he slowly suffocates,
let's all take out
our official Laugh-In
secret decoder pins,
and this message will tell
you what to do with them.
Ready?
Here we go.
19, 20, nine,
three, 11, five, 13.
Now, back to Madame
Tussaud's Wax Museum,
where Major Bowe's
Original Amateur Hour
has just been canceled.
- Gentlemen, as your attorney,
I've gone over
your list of demands.
I'll read them once again.
One, regular fees
for all extra services.
- Right.
- Two, a percentage
of all moneys gathered
in individual collections.
- Right.
- And finally, you want
time and a half for Sundays.
- Right.
- Now, gentlemen,
if these demands are not met,
what do you intend to do?
- Strike.
- Amen.
(laughter)
(old man humming)
- By any chance are
you two ladies related?
(laughter)
By any,
any chance are you
two ladies sisters?
(laughter)
By any chance are
you two ladies brothers?
(laughter)
- Hey, did you see
what I just saw?
- Are you two ladies,
by any chance,
New York chorus girls?
- Are you two ladies,
by any chance,
Hollywood starlets?
- Are you two ladies,
by any chance,
Burbank cops?
(laughter)
- No, that's not what I saw.
- NBC, beautiful
downtown Burbank.
Your records are
correct sir, yes.
Our writers do belong
to the Writers Guild.
Yes sir, I'll give
him the message.
May I ask when
you'll be reinstated?
(laughter)
- If you play your cards right,
they'll drop you
through a trapdoor.
Oh, you look cute, look at that.
Say Porky Pig, come on.
(laughter)
- One beer.
- Figures, surprise me.
Something wrong
with the machine.
(laughter)
- Look at this,
tamale and chili.
I told you not to come to
these Japanese restaurants,
they're all alike.
All the food is
bad here, Aaaaah!
- I'm sorry.
- Do something, that's cold.
That's dreadful.
Don't just sit there.
Aaaaah!
- Betsy, I didn't get you
the job to make the flag,
just to make the flag.
I got you the job so that we
could, you know, be together.
- Well if you really loved me,
you would have thrown
some steady work my way,
like army blankets.
(laughter)
(siren sounding)
(explosion)
- Tinkle tinkle.
- Well that's it for tonight,
I think it's time for you
to say goodnight Dick.
- Say goodnight, Dick.
- Dick'll be back in a minute,
he just stepped out
for a bite to drink.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Hey, who's Dick?
- Next week, don't
forget to watch the show.
- Hey.
You almost got away
with it, didn't you?
You know I thought perhaps
that tonight, particularly,
you would like to hear something
my aunt once said to me.
- Just to commemorate
the season?
- Yes, to commemorate
the season.
- Okay.
- Well, you see what happened,
is that she was cruising
the bus stops in Miami Beach
with Don Rickles' mother, and
they got picked up by
14 Swiss sailors, you see.
And they were
missing for three days.
- Your aunt and Don's mother?
- Yeah, I thought
maybe what she said
when they found them would
be of interest to the folks.
- What, you talking about Eddie,
or you talking about your aunt?
- Yeah, both of them.
- Oh.
- They did it in unison.
Would you like to
hear what she said?
- [Dan] Da da da da ta da.
- No, I can't.
- Goodnight Mrs.
Rickles, wherever you are.
- Goodnight.
- Goodnight.
- Hey, Ruth Buzzi.
- Yes.
- Well listen, were there
ever any really big men
born in Burbank?
- No, Jo Anne, mostly
little bitty babies.
- Wasn't it Oscar Wilde who said
there's no such
thing as a bad boy?
- Will you go to your
room, you're annoying.
- I'm in my room.
- Goldie.
- What?
- Do you know how
big an orange is?
- No, but it wouldn't take
many to make a dozen.
- Henry?
May I have a word
with you Henry?
What have you
got against doctors?
- No, mostly
little little babies.
- Hey Arte.
Well that's fabulous.
- [Arte] I thought
you'd like it.
- Listen darling,
tell me something,
are you going to cut down
on your sugar consumption?
- Where'd you get that idea?
- Well, I thought you
better cut down on sugar.
- [Arte] Here, use my
glasses, here, here.
(confused shouting)
- [Unknown Voiceover]
Are you gonna cut down
on your sugar consumption?
- Haven't you heard?
- [Don] I have
diabetes (muffled).
- Haven't you heard that sugar
consumption is increasing?
- Dick, can I get
your attention?
- Yes, Judy.
- Good, have you ever been
pinched for going to fast?
- No, but I've been
slapped for going to far.
- Keep it up, you'll get
a punch in the stomach
with that funny humor,
you're dying out here.
- Hey Goldie, will
you give a lift home
after the show tonight?
- I'm sorry JJ, but
I brought my car.
- Oh, in that case, forget it.
- Oh boy, and they say I'm dumb.
- Wait a minute Goldie.
You are dumb.
- Thank you.
- Every ten minutes I get
these awful headaches.
- Oh, well how
long to they last?
- Oh about half an hour.
- Well it feels 19 and 28 folks.
- Goldie, when
you were in school,
did you have a tough
time with questions?
- No, but the
answers were murder.
- Rowan and Martin, 1912.
- When I was five years old,
I wanted to be a doctor.
- Why didn't you?
- Well, they wouldn't
allow a five year old
into medical school.
- Adam and Eve, 10 b.c., yeah.
- What?
(laughter)
- Hey Don.
- Yes.
- Get a load of this.
Yeah, I don't criticize Jackie
for picking a Greek mate.
After all, if it's good
enough for Nixon,
it's good enough for Jackie.
(laughter)
- Why don't you go
into a VA hospital
and have them care for you?
(laughter)
I had an Uncle Lou,
who was so nasty,
that when the Titanic went down,
he was rooting for the iceberg.
- That wasn't your uncle,
that was you, dummy.
- Hey Goldie,
my great grandfather
was a centenarian.
- What?
- [Dan] I say, my great
grandfather was a centenarian.
Isn't that wonderful Goldie?
My great grandfather
was a centenarian.
Hey, Goldie.
Did you know his great
grandfather was a centenarian?
- Hey, Goldie.
His great grandfather
was a centenarian.
- I hope he lives
to be a hundred.
- How's things going so far?
- Pretty bad, hockey puck.
Once in a while
Dan, move your neck,
so you know you're on.
(laughter)
- Go to your room,
will you dummy?
(Alan and Don talking
over each other)
- That big dope up in the
balcony has gone bananas.
By the way, I spoke to Zapata.
You are his son.
(laughter)
(all cheering)
(swing music)
- I see they let you
wear you own clothes.
- All right, I give up.
Who is Maid Marian?
- Hey listen, Bets.
Let's run up to Boston
for the weekend.
I know where they're
giving a wild tea party.
All the tea you want, but
you gotta bring your own pot.
- Oh bug off George, I've
got some spinning to do.
- Goodnight Lee.
- This program was prerecorded
11 months ago in Paris,
during the first peace talks,
which brought the war
to a speedy conclusion.
- Very interesting,
but it would never
make it as a series.
Goodnight Lucy,
you're still the queen in
the kingdom of my heart.
You too, Gary.
- Arte, go to your bunker.
(clapping)
program is brought to you
in living color on NBC.
- I don't know how to tell
you this Mister Rickles,
but you're pregnant.
(laughter)
- That's what I get for
doing a show on ABC.
- Bartender, let me
have another beer.
- [Bartender] Now, cut that out.
(swing music)
- Did ya make a wish?
Happy birthday, ha ha ha ha.
Make a wish.
- Waiter, there's
a fly in my soup.
- By golly, there is.
(laughter)
(drum roll)
- And now, from the steam room
of the beautiful downtown
Burbank post office,
and maternity ward,
NBC presents this
week's special deliveries,
Dan Rowan and the
lovely Dan Rowan,
who will be played
tonight by Dick Martin.
Starring Dan Rowan,
and Dick Martin,
with guest star, Don Rickles,
and Judy Carne,
Arte Johnson,
with Ruth Buzzi, Henry Gibson,
Goldie Hawn, Dave Madden,
Alan Sues, and Jo Anne Worley,
with Chelsea Brown, JJ Barry,
and yours truly, Gary Owens,
as told to Morgul,
as the Friendly Drelb.
Hey Goldie, my clock
seems to be wrong.
Do you have the right time?
- Yep.
(laughter)
- Say, did you hear
about the circus fat lady,
fell on the dog-faced boy?
- No, what happened?
- One of those freak
accidents, I guess.
(laughter)
- Hey Judy.
- Yeah.
- How do you feel
about Proposition One?
- Very sentimental.
- This won all those Emmy's?
- Hey, anybody know anything
about 17th century poets?
- Yeah, they're all
dead, you dummy.
- And boring.
- You're a sick broad.
- [Jo Anne] Boring.
- Goldie.
- [Don] I hope you
get a boil on your neck.
(laughter)
- Goldie?
- [Goldie] What?
- How does your new car go?
- Vroom, vroom, vroom.
- Hey, what do you think
of wintering in Miami,
and summering in Cape Cod?
- It sure beats
falling in Burbank.
- Did you hear about
the new antibiotic
that you jab behind each ear?
It's called strepto
my this, ha ha ha.
That's funny.
- No.
That's dumb.
Real dumb.
- I got a funny feeling
Goldie ain't no rocket scientist.
- Hey Alan.
(confused shouting)
- You sick broad. (muffled)
- What is it sugar?
- Well, I was just wondering...
- Yeah.
- If you would make pork
chops for me at your house,
I would come over to
dinner, on the condition,
that they were very, very lean.
- Which way?
- You know, one like
this, and one like this.
- I'm on again guys.
- [Unknown Voiceover] Great.
- I feel like Jerry Mahoney
and the wood went bad.
(laughter)
Knock, knock.
- Who's there?
- The boogie man you dummy.
How should I know, I'm new
around here, you hockey puck.
- So am I.
- Let's hear it for the new kid.
- Doctor, my husband
limps because
he has one leg
shorter than the other.
What would you do in his case?
- Well, one foot
would go like this,
and one foot would go like this.
- Here, Henry.
- Did you know that at the
Burbank College of Fine Arts,
they make bring your
own box of Crayolas?
- That kid certainly
is a bundle of laughs.
He's got an IQ of a dead plant.
Whoopee, whoopee.
- Do you know Joe Pine?
- What?
- [JJ] Do you know Joe Pine?
- Ha ha ha, no but I know
his brother Lonesome Pine.
- Do you know Johnny Cash?
- No, but I know his spinster
sister, Lonesome Pine.
(laughter)
- The baby just swallowed the
house key, what should I do?
- Climb in through the window.
- Hey Gladys?
- [Gladys] Yeah.
- How do you feel
about Proposition One?
- My place or yours.
- Sure, blow in her ear, and
she'll follow you anywhere.
Oh, I'm so lonely, help me.
Help me.
Come in the booth.
(confused shouting)
- Yesterday you recall,
we left just plain Bill,
at Helen Trent's house,
with our gal Sunday.
On Monday, Ma Perkins
went to see Tuesday Weld,
at the Wednesday
matinee, on Thursday,
with Joe Friday.
And there's another
week, shot to smithereens.
- What Gary really means is,
it's been a week since we've
heard from Dan and Dick, folks.
(swing music)
- That's not necessary.
- Hold those crowds back.
- You're too kind.
No, no more, can't
take any more.
- Refreshing.
- You seem a little depressed
tonight, what's the matter?
- I just came from a funeral.
- Oh, not Uncle Willard again?
- No no, my cousin, Little Leo.
- Little Leo.
- Yeah, 14 inches high.
Perfectly formed.
Amazing.
- 14 inches high?
- Yeah, but there's something
special about Little Leo.
- [Dan] Oh.
- Yeah, whenever you're
around him, you feel 10 feet tall.
- Must've been quite a guy, huh?
- I never will forget
the last time I saw him.
- Why, he queried.
- Well, he was in the hospital,
trying to get a
bippy transplant.
- Oh, mighty serious operation.
- It is if you're a singer.
- [Dan] Oh, cousin
Leo's a singer?
- No, he was a dancer.
Only man I ever saw,
danced the limbo
under the white line
in the middle of the road.
- And he got hit by a car,
and died on the highway.
- No no, he died in
Tony's Pizza Parlor.
- Tony's Pizza Parlor.
- Yeah, what happened
was, you see he
used to take off his shoes,
and climb into the pizza,
and spread around the cheese.
- And he got hit by a car?
- No, he got his foot
caught in the mozzarella
and the chef mistook him
for a piece of pepperoni.
(laughter)
- I really can't believe it.
- I can't either.
He didn't even look Italian.
- That's not the reason
I couldn't believe it.
- How could you figure?
- I'll ask him
about the funeral.
How was the funeral?
- Delicious.
- Why don't you try
to forget all your grief,
and come along to the party.
- Do they have any
hors d'oeuvres there?
- As a matter of fact
they have little pizzas.
- Oh great, it'll be great
to see Little Leo again.
- Come on, you're
invited to the pizza party.
(applause)
(old man humming)
- How would you
like a little bite?
How'd you like a little drink?
How'd you like a
rap in the mouth?
(laughter)
I think I'll go down
to the swings.
- See it at your drive-in
theater, in living color.
Excitement, danger,
thrills, chills, spills.
See the impossible.
See Lawrence Harvey, in
the Son of Terese and Isabel.
- Hello, I'm Judy Carne,
your campus girl on the go.
And tonight, I'm talking with
a modern Johnny Appleseed.
Tell me Johnny, what
exactly do you do?
- Well, you know, I just
wander around the campuses,
planting seeds wherever I go.
- Then in a few
years, thanks to you,
our colleges and universities
will be lined with
apple trees, right?
- Apple trees?
Hey, you're putting me
on, aren't you ma'am?
You can't smoke apples.
They won't stay lit.
- There's another
corn silk joke.
- Moving right along,
here's this week's discovery,
Miss Carol Worthington.
(squeaking)
No, that isn't her.
In the merry month of May
I fell out of love
When I left I really
hated you be rude
So I Put a little
something in his food
- Ah, you would have died.
I'll never forget the
last thing he said was,
it needed salt.
So I gave it to him.
To the poison he wasn't immune
So this is the end of the tune
But I'm working on
another one for you
- Wanna hear it?
Don't let the (muffled) go in,
It's not sanitary
Don't grab me with a bear claw
- A little short
in the (muffled)
but I ain't (muffled).
(applause)
- That was great, huh?
- Yeah, but it wasn't
as good as the girl
I used to know in Topeka.
- Oh really, what did she do?
- Well, she dives in
this huge tank of water
that's filled with piranha fish,
and sharks, and a whole
school of barracuda.
- Wow.
That sounds exciting,
can we get her?
- Nope, the fish already did.
(laughter)
- People wonder
why I act so tough.
Well when you wear high
heels, ya gotta be tough.
(laughter)
Power leader Eldridge Cleaver
Had a wife but had to leave her
He skipped bail at 50 thou
I wonder where he's
hiding now (laughter)
(upbeat music)
- Waiter, I ordered
scrambled eggs.
- Scrambled eggs?
Coming up.
(laughter)
- Speed kills.
- Here you are, lady.
She bothering you sir?
- Okay, what'll you have?
- I think I'll have
the fruit salad.
- Right.
(laughter)
(knocking on door)
- Quick, it's my husband.
- So, at last I caught you.
- Are you out of your
mind, we live upstairs.
- Oh, I'm sorry honey.
(laughter)
- Years ago when you
wanted to torture someone
you chained them in a room
and let the water fall on them.
Drop by drop, for
weeks at a time.
It's hard to believe
that anybody
could come up with
anything worse than that.
But somebody did.
And here it is, the
Laugh-In news report.
What's the news
across the nation
We have got the information
In a way we hope will amuse you
We just love to
give you our views
La da de da
Ladies and Gents,
Laugh-In looks at the news!
(applause)
Here's Dan
- And now, are they all through?
And now with the
news of the present,
here's the man to whom the
news wouldn't be the news
without the news,
here's what's-his-name.
- Those kids gotta
learn to cheer up.
Yale University, the
faculty has finally approved
the admission of women
students next year,
ending a 266 year old
tradition of men only.
The news was greeted with
cheers by the student body,
who, when last
measured, was 42-24-36.
Warsaw, Poland, the
Polish Olympic trials
were canceled today, when
they lost the boomerang.
Hollywood, screen
star Raquel Welch
formed a brassiere
company today,
and offered
shares to the public.
It is expected this
will be the first stock
in the history of Wall Street
that ever went up and out.
Think about it.
Take it away, Goldie.
(drum roll)
- And now with the
news of the future,
here's our man of
the future, here's Dan.
- Goldie, that was perfect.
You know something else?
I'm not surprised.
- Oh, well I'll get it
right when we tape it.
- 1989, 20 years from now.
Transplants reached
their peak today.
In a brief, painless operation
during which the patient,
Mister Neal Adams,
became Miss Neal Adams.
(laughter)
1989, 20 years from now,
George Jessel and Margaret
Rutherford were finally married
in a private ceremony
in the Hollywood Bowl.
Immediately afterwards they
left for a secluded honeymoon
on the Ed Sullivan Show,
Miss Rutherford's
children by her marriages,
and Mister Jessel's children
by his former engagements.
- Go like this and stay long.
- The White House,
1989, 20 years from now.
Newly elected
President, Goldie Hawn,
held her first press
conference today,
and fulfilled three of
her campaign promises.
One, she announced she
would make Poland the 51st state.
Two, she has sent a formal note,
asking ABC to stop the bombing.
And three, she has
appointed Sammy Davis, Jr.
Ambassador to Israel,
and said he will leave soon
for an eye-to-eye
meeting with Moshe Dayan.
(laughter)
- Looking into the past,
we now take you back
to that great day when Betsy
Ross had old Harry in stitches.
- What's on the
bottom of that flag?
- A ruffle.
- You expect me to lead
my men on with a ruffle?
- I've been doing it for years.
(laughter)
- Of late, this country
has seen much turmoil
in the field of education.
Schools have come in
for a great deal of
criticism and censure.
Laugh-In news report however,
wonders if all the fault
lies with the school?
- I've had it, I've
had it, that's it.
It's over.
No, that's it,
I've had it, no no.
I don't want to discuss it.
I've had it.
I've had it.
- [Dan] What's the matter?
What's the matter, huh?
A kid just hit me in
the mouth with a brick,
that's what's the matter.
- Oh good heavens, well you
told him that was very wrong.
- Oh no.
- You didn't, why not?
- Because I had the
brick in my mouth,
that's why, you dummy.
(laughter)
It was Henry Rogers.
He's right outside.
- [Dan] Well bring him in.
- I'll bring him in.
I'll get him in the chair,
get some raw meat,
or peanut butter, anything.
Tick tock, tick tock, sit, sit.
Tell him you're
Frank Buck, good.
- Let's try to understand Henry,
after all, you must remember,
he came from a broken home.
- I know, he broke it himself.
- Maybe we ought
to send for his mother.
- I sent for her, yes ma'am.
- [Dan] Oh, we're
fine, bring her in.
- I'll get her,
she's right outside.
I'll bring her in.
Here, my dear.
- Hello, Mrs. Rogers.
- Good afternoon.
- I don't like to
have to tell you this,
but we're having a
problem with Henry.
He's using foul
language, and violence.
- Foul language and
violence?
- Yes, I'm afraid so.
- Why you lousy little...
- Mrs. Rogers, Mrs. Rogers,
that's the wrong
kind of discipline.
- That's right, that's right.
Mrs. Rogers, when I was
a kid if I did anything wrong,
I was sent to bed
without any supper.
That's right, don't
give me all right,
because I'll tell
you a few things.
Till I was 21 years old,
I weighed 47
pounds, you here me?
47 pounds.
Today the kids around are wild.
That's right, they're wild.
They read these
nutty comic books.
Are you ready?
Are you ready, sir?
Listen to this, here.
The thing without a face.
All right, the face
without a thing.
The face with a
thing in its face.
The thing with a
face in its thing.
The thing with a
thing in its thing.
Well, well, do you realize Henry
is becoming interested in girls?
- What makes you think so?
- His wife keeps
complaining about him.
- His wife?
- She helps me with class, here.
She helps me with my
reading at the hard parts.
- Yeah, the hard parts.
Run Spot run, see the
rabbit jump over the fence,
boop boop de boop,
you little rotten kid you.
- Well, I think
maybe you ought to
keep Henry after school.
- I do, I'll keep him
after school, I do.
While they're studying,
I sit with the baby.
- The baby.
Well, how did that happen?
- Like we learned in biology,
you see, I am the
boy bee, and I fly...
- Never mind, Henry.
That's enough, Henry.
- Wait a minute this was
just getting interesting.
- I mean, do you
see what I mean,
she let's this boy
get away with murder,
and I wind up paying
for it, that's what happens.
- What are you talking about?
- I've had it with your kid.
Every day, every day,
it's Henry sit down,
Henry shut up, Henry stand
up, Henry put me down,
I can't take it anymore.
I think some sort of
punishment is in order.
I'm fed up with Henry.
- You know, you're right.
- Oh, bubby,
what was that you were saying
about the birds and the bees?
- Hello.
Time now for the sports news.
Here is Laugh-In's
play-by-play sportscaster,
the one guy on the show,
who really knows
how to play ball.
Here's Alan Sues.
- Oh, hi.
Big Al here, and
the old soccer puck.
With a featurette.
Love my bell.
The horseshoe pitching
world, was rocked last night,
when the High
Commissioner of Horseshoes,
demanded that David
Niron, the new champion,
give back his title.
The commissioner claimed
that Niron had violated the rules,
when he refused to remove
the horseshoes from the horses.
I don't like to see that.
Poor sport.
That's it, ta ta.
- Well, that's the
news for tonight.
Hey, what do you got there?
- It's just a stack of fan mail.
I thought we could
save a lot of time
by answering it on
the air, you know.
- We don't have time to do that.
- Oh, sure we
have, it won't take,
watch this, watch this.
Yes.
No.
No.
No.
Yes.
Maybe.
Yes.
No.
Yes.
And no to that lady
in Palmer, Ohio,
you bet your sweet bippy.
- Give me those.
You're right, that's a no.
- That's a no no.
- Oh, Betsy,
remember when I stood
in the front of the boat,
with my cape
snapping in the wind,
and everybody said
I looked so great.
- Well I couldn't hear them.
I was in the rear of the boat,
up to my thighs
in gale and bilge.
- That high?
- Yeah, you want
to see my waterline?
(upbeat music)
- Hey Don.
- Excuse me ma'am,
but your husband
just slid under the table.
- Oh no, my husband just
walked through the door.
- Dummy.
- Hello, I'm Cliff Robertson,
I'd like to talk to you for
just one brief moment,
about something very serious,
something I'm,
concerned and involved in.
And I hope you are
too, it's this problem,
on television of violence.
- You don't say?
- Whatever show you turn on,
you're bound to
see some violence.
And it makes me,
it makes me upset and angry.
And I think probably
you feel the same way.
- You don't say?
- It seems like every
time you turn on the,
the darn television,
there's hitting and violence,
and I wish all of you
would do your bit to,
to correct this...
- And now ladies and gentlemen,
here is a real Laugh-In extra.
We feel very
privileged to bring you
one of today's
leading folksingers.
And I'm sure,
as you listen to Joan
Baez sing these two songs,
her rare artistry and
unique interpretations,
will tax your emotions.
(knocking)
What happened?
- I guess she heard you say
you were gonna tax something,
and she took off.
- Why don't you let me try it?
(applause) (rock music)
- The election was so close,
that at the inauguration,
they let Humphrey put
two fingers on the Bible.
- It's so silly getting all
uptight with anxieties.
I say, just sit back, relax,
and let your troubles
go up in smoke.
- Hey, I don't think the poor
should be
demonstrating and rioting.
After all, you don't see
us rich people doing it.
- I had a complete
physical examination today.
Oh, I didn't need it,
but it was just so good
to have a man say,
first, take your clothes off.
- Commit for to mine attention,
that East Germany wants to
make it a better relation chicks.
They're planning to for to
pushing a picture window
in the Berlin wall.
- I had to walk over here.
I washed my car last night,
and I can't do a thing with it.
- I think water
skiing is dangerous.
Last week I was going so fast,
I got dizzy and nearly
fell out of the bathtub.
- Well, frankly I think
anyone who doesn't vote
for a stronger gun control law,
ought to be, shot.
- Suddenly, it wasn't the
man I loved and married at all,
it was like, shooting
a total stranger.
- You know I don't believe
in long engagements.
- Neither do I.
It's too hard on the children.
- I have nothing
against hippies.
I just wish they wouldn't refer
to Baptism as a sprinkle-in.
- Vietnam isn't
hard to understand,
it's just that our
country feels that no one
has the right to go in
there, burn their villages,
take over their land,
the way we did to the
Indians in this country.
- You know it's hard to believe
that most of the trouble
in the world today,
started in the Garden of Eden,
when Eve reached
out for that fruit.
- Mayor John Lindsay,
today announced,
that the practice of dressing
policemen as women,
in order to attract muggers,
has been highly successful.
So far, it has
resulted in 350 arrests,
200 convictions, and
27 very happy marriages.
- Oh, yeah, I like that.
- You're welcome.
- No, I mean your
new Nehru jacket.
- Yeah, I gotta
get one of those.
- You're wearing one of those.
- Oh this, this is my
new Nehru jacket.
- Never would've known it.
- Lady gave it to me last night.
- Oh, really?
- Guru lady.
- Hippy?
- Not since she fasted.
(laughter)
- Sort of a play on words there.
It's not really what I meant.
- She lost 12 of the
best pounds of my life.
(laughter)
- Chubby, wouldn't
hurt you to fast a little bit.
- Are you kidding?
I fasted a whole week.
- Yeah?
That's a good start.
- Worst five days of my life.
- How do you fast
a week in five days?
- It was a fast fast.
- A fast fast.
You don't look any thinner.
- If I hadn't eaten
something every day,
I never would've made it.
- My first letter is
from a housewife
with an unusual problem.
Dear Ruth,
I am a housewife with
an unusual problem.
We have been married 12 years,
and have six children.
My husband is
constantly embracing me,
and kissing me in
a passionate frenzy.
As a result, I suffer
from total exhaustion,
and have lost nearly 30 pounds.
What's a mother to do?
Signed, Bedridden.
Dear, dear Bedridden,
I can't really solve
your problem.
But I will include your
letter in my new book,
Helpful Hints for
Weight Watchers.
- The most asked
question this week,
is who was the
first man to cross
the Pacific and Atlantic
Oceans with a one-man rowboat?
- The answer to
this question is,
Mister George Shapiro,
the same man who crossed a
Great Dane with a hippopotamus.
- The answer to our
second most asked question,
the strangest homicide on file,
was that of Mister
George Shapiro,
who was eaten by the
world's first hippodane.
- Sure, there's
another hippodane joke.
- Hippodane?
Oh, look that up in
your Funk and Wagnall.
- I looked it up in my
Doctor Spock,
but I couldn't find it
under care and feeding
of baby hippodanes.
- I used to know all
that stuff, just like Goldie.
- Speaking of bird
calls, it's a rare privilege
to bring you once again,
Mister Arte Johnson,
and his impression
of the yellow-breasted,
puce-billed, hookscrat.
(Arte making strange
moaning noises)
- Once again, it's time
for the Flying Fickle
Finger of Fate Award.
- How right you are sir.
Tonight's winner is
the Equal Employment
Opportunity Commission.
- Oh, what did
those boys do now?
- Hang on, I'm gonna tell you.
The commission ruled
that classified job ads
can no longer be
listed under separate
male and female headings,
because that's discriminating
on the basis of sex.
- And if there's one
thing I don't want to do,
it's discriminate
it's against sex.
- Right, whatever you name is.
And so, here's a Flying
Fickle Finger of Fate,
to the members of the
Equal Employment
Opportunity Commission,
for deciding there's
absolutely no difference
between men and women.
- You know, I'm so inspired,
I decided to be
the first on my block
to go along with
this new ruling.
- Good man.
- Today, just today, I went
out and hired a new houseboy.
- Great.
- I'll be right there, Hortense.
- Betsy, you know you're
the only woman for me.
- Oh, go tell it to Martha.
- Oh, she's gone crazy,
dipping everything into chocolate.
Yesterday, by mistake,
I bit into one of the kids.
- How old did you say you were?
(laughter)
- Do you allow
substitutes on the dinner?
- Why, of course sir.
- Well then, instead of carrots,
could I have a
free trip to Europe?
- Oh Betsy, I'm
just wild about you.
When I'm not near you,
my heart bleeds for you.
- Oh, bug off George,
I've only got four
days until Flag Day.
- Cuckoo.
(laughter)
- My life is one
big weenie roast.
- Here's a little beauty.
Just a moment, sir.
Can't forget the bib.
(laughter)
- Well I see by the old
clock on...
- Oh, oh.
- Something bothering you?
- No, meant to tell you,
someone called you.
- Oh yeah?
Did they leave a message?
- Well, he wouldn't tell
me, it was too important.
- Did he leave a number?
- Yeah, I believe it was six.
- Six?
- Well, that's when you're
supposed to meet him.
- Oh, well where am I
supposed to meet him?
- He wouldn't say,
it was too important.
- What did he sound like?
- Very important.
- Can't you remember anything?
- Well, he did speak
with an accent.
- What kind of an accent?
- He didn't say.
- Well, I guess it's not
as important as all that,
I want to tell you...
- He did say something
about life or death, though.
- Did he say whose?
- No, he did say
he'd call back, though.
- Did he say when?
- Well don't worry, if he
calls back, I'll take a message.
- Oh, that'd be swell.
Friends, with that in mind,
let's take a look
at what's going on
in that mod, mod world of ours.
(upbeat music)
- And now we take you
to our reporter at the UN,
for a fast-breaking story.
- Ruth, the turmoil here
at the Security Council,
is indescribable.
Not 20 minutes ago,
for reasons not yet clear,
war was declared
between Scotland and Peru.
Both countries'
delegates are now meeting
at an undisclosed location.
- Aye, laddie, aye, it worked.
After years of going unnoticed,
we finally got some attention.
- It was a good idea, I'm
glad that I thought of it.
- You thought of it?
I do not like to differ,
but it was my idea.
You haven't had an idea
since you got into the UN.
- Everybody knows that
the Scot are too cheap
to give away an idea,
even if they had one,
which you didn't, you Scotchman.
- All right, all
right, that's it.
If you want to fight
about it, the war is off.
That's it.
- Fail.
- Fail yourself.
(upbeat music)
- Child psychology hint
number 15, the precocious child.
If your child is constantly
arguing with you,
try the Lasfogel method.
First appeal to his
high intelligence,
using logic, in a firm
eye-to-eye confrontation,
relying on the
child-parent relationship,
in giving and taking,
in a reasonable way.
If this doesn't work,
use the Wasserman method.
Break a chair over his head.
(laughter)
- Doctor Livingston, I presume?
- Yes, what seems
to be the problem?
- I was bitten by
a hippopotamus.
- Well take these two aspirin
and call me tomorrow morning.
- Hi Paul, Hi Miriam.
I'm not gonna tell ya again,
stop smiling at that man.
- Miriam.
I'm not smiling at him.
- You're not, huh?
You're smiling, don't
kid me, don't kid me,
now cut it out.
You've been looking
at him all night.
- Well I have to look
at him occasionally.
After all, he is my husband.
(laughter)
- Hi Harry.
- It's definitely a
suspicious letter.
Oh yeah, there are dirty words.
I'm afraid we're just gonna
have to open this one.
- I know it's part of our job,
but I don't like
snoopin' for the FBI.
- Well, neither do I,
but look at it this way,
suppose this letter was
addressed to your wife, Ursula.
Hm, suppose some nut
was sending this kind of mail
to Ursula, your wife.
- You're right.
Oh my.
Oh this is terrible.
It's awful.
- Come on, it can't be that bad.
- Oh yes it can.
Signed Ursula.
(laughter)
- In a moment we'll return to
the Best of Nancy and Sluggo.
Goldie and me made up a ditty
bump a dump a dump
dump, fluff Henry and me
think that it's pretty
bump a dump a dump dump, quack
It's got a beat happy and whippy
Is it a hit?
You bet your sweet
bippy It's singable
Drinkingable Bump a
dump a dump dump, nerd
Folks on the
farm, really adore it
bump a dump a dump dump, frog
People downtown,
clamoring for it
bump a dump a dump dump, ah
What do you think?
Make a suggestion
What do I think?
Well what was the question?
Non sequitur the heck with her
bump a dump a dump dump, grump
It's got dancing
We checked it out,
hunt and pecked it out
It's romantic
Blow in her ear, she'll
follow you anywhere
Isn't it great?
Isn't it groovy?
Bump a dump a dump dump, shhh
Maybe we'll both,
star in a movie
bump a dump a dump dump, click
Everyone says, we got a winner
What do you think?
Well ask me to
dinner Sensational
Vocational Inflatable
Debreakable
We hashed it out
And shocked it out
Bump a dump a dump dump, love
Bump a dump a dump dump, peace
Bump a dump a dump
dump, kiss (applause)
- And now folks, it's
sock it to me time.
- Hold it Judy, there's
no sock it to you tonight.
- Oh no?
- Hm mm.
- Oh, thanks fellas, cheer on.
- Oh man, not with
Don Rickles here.
- That's right.
- What do you think
you're gonna do?
You're not gonna
sock it me, you're nuts.
- Ah, better than that Don,
we even have a choice for you.
- Forget it.
- Yeah, we have
a choice of three,
water, the trapdoor, or
our mystery sock it to me.
- A mystery sock it to me?
- That's right pal,
take your pick,
water, the trapdoor, or
our mystery sock it to me.
- I'll try the mystery
sock it to me.
- All right, here she is.
(Jo Anne making crazy
noises and laughing)
(laughter)
- You kiss great.
You really kiss
great, funny man.
(laughter)
- I thought they were
only in the jungle.
(laughter)
- That's the mystery
sock it to me.
- All right, that ain't bad.
- Wait'll you try to
chew something.
(laughter)
- Yeah, we like
to think of Jo Anne
as our talking roto-rooter girl.
- She kissed me once,
I went right home and
took a cold shower.
- That's what I
need, a cold shower.
(laughter)
- Say goodnight Don.
- Goodnight Don.
(laughter)
(Jo Anne making crazy noises)
- We hear of the
ferocity of the tiger,
the strength of the elephant,
but when the chips are down,
I will take the water buffalo.
- As we said earlier friends,
time now to move
along now to potpourri.
- If TWA merged with A and P,
they'd probably call it TWAP.
(laughter)
- Lieutenant, my destroyer
counters your light cruiser.
- Mm hm, and I
shift my battleships
and they can cover
your counter action.
- Oh, no they can't.
- They can so.
- They cannot.
- They can, they can.
- They can't can't can't.
- They can, they can,
and they can.
- Can't can't can't.
- Oh yeah they can.
- No they can't.
- Oh ya big baby, now give
me back my rubber duck.
- No.
- Robin hood, robin hood.
- Yes.
- Friar Tuck will hang
tomorrow in Nottingham.
- Around noon?
- No, around the
neck, you dumdum.
- You're no fun anymore Arnold.
- While he slowly suffocates,
let's all take out
our official Laugh-In
secret decoder pins,
and this message will tell
you what to do with them.
Ready?
Here we go.
19, 20, nine,
three, 11, five, 13.
Now, back to Madame
Tussaud's Wax Museum,
where Major Bowe's
Original Amateur Hour
has just been canceled.
- Gentlemen, as your attorney,
I've gone over
your list of demands.
I'll read them once again.
One, regular fees
for all extra services.
- Right.
- Two, a percentage
of all moneys gathered
in individual collections.
- Right.
- And finally, you want
time and a half for Sundays.
- Right.
- Now, gentlemen,
if these demands are not met,
what do you intend to do?
- Strike.
- Amen.
(laughter)
(old man humming)
- By any chance are
you two ladies related?
(laughter)
By any,
any chance are you
two ladies sisters?
(laughter)
By any chance are
you two ladies brothers?
(laughter)
- Hey, did you see
what I just saw?
- Are you two ladies,
by any chance,
New York chorus girls?
- Are you two ladies,
by any chance,
Hollywood starlets?
- Are you two ladies,
by any chance,
Burbank cops?
(laughter)
- No, that's not what I saw.
- NBC, beautiful
downtown Burbank.
Your records are
correct sir, yes.
Our writers do belong
to the Writers Guild.
Yes sir, I'll give
him the message.
May I ask when
you'll be reinstated?
(laughter)
- If you play your cards right,
they'll drop you
through a trapdoor.
Oh, you look cute, look at that.
Say Porky Pig, come on.
(laughter)
- One beer.
- Figures, surprise me.
Something wrong
with the machine.
(laughter)
- Look at this,
tamale and chili.
I told you not to come to
these Japanese restaurants,
they're all alike.
All the food is
bad here, Aaaaah!
- I'm sorry.
- Do something, that's cold.
That's dreadful.
Don't just sit there.
Aaaaah!
- Betsy, I didn't get you
the job to make the flag,
just to make the flag.
I got you the job so that we
could, you know, be together.
- Well if you really loved me,
you would have thrown
some steady work my way,
like army blankets.
(laughter)
(siren sounding)
(explosion)
- Tinkle tinkle.
- Well that's it for tonight,
I think it's time for you
to say goodnight Dick.
- Say goodnight, Dick.
- Dick'll be back in a minute,
he just stepped out
for a bite to drink.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Hey, who's Dick?
- Next week, don't
forget to watch the show.
- Hey.
You almost got away
with it, didn't you?
You know I thought perhaps
that tonight, particularly,
you would like to hear something
my aunt once said to me.
- Just to commemorate
the season?
- Yes, to commemorate
the season.
- Okay.
- Well, you see what happened,
is that she was cruising
the bus stops in Miami Beach
with Don Rickles' mother, and
they got picked up by
14 Swiss sailors, you see.
And they were
missing for three days.
- Your aunt and Don's mother?
- Yeah, I thought
maybe what she said
when they found them would
be of interest to the folks.
- What, you talking about Eddie,
or you talking about your aunt?
- Yeah, both of them.
- Oh.
- They did it in unison.
Would you like to
hear what she said?
- [Dan] Da da da da ta da.
- No, I can't.
- Goodnight Mrs.
Rickles, wherever you are.
- Goodnight.
- Goodnight.
- Hey, Ruth Buzzi.
- Yes.
- Well listen, were there
ever any really big men
born in Burbank?
- No, Jo Anne, mostly
little bitty babies.
- Wasn't it Oscar Wilde who said
there's no such
thing as a bad boy?
- Will you go to your
room, you're annoying.
- I'm in my room.
- Goldie.
- What?
- Do you know how
big an orange is?
- No, but it wouldn't take
many to make a dozen.
- Henry?
May I have a word
with you Henry?
What have you
got against doctors?
- No, mostly
little little babies.
- Hey Arte.
Well that's fabulous.
- [Arte] I thought
you'd like it.
- Listen darling,
tell me something,
are you going to cut down
on your sugar consumption?
- Where'd you get that idea?
- Well, I thought you
better cut down on sugar.
- [Arte] Here, use my
glasses, here, here.
(confused shouting)
- [Unknown Voiceover]
Are you gonna cut down
on your sugar consumption?
- Haven't you heard?
- [Don] I have
diabetes (muffled).
- Haven't you heard that sugar
consumption is increasing?
- Dick, can I get
your attention?
- Yes, Judy.
- Good, have you ever been
pinched for going to fast?
- No, but I've been
slapped for going to far.
- Keep it up, you'll get
a punch in the stomach
with that funny humor,
you're dying out here.
- Hey Goldie, will
you give a lift home
after the show tonight?
- I'm sorry JJ, but
I brought my car.
- Oh, in that case, forget it.
- Oh boy, and they say I'm dumb.
- Wait a minute Goldie.
You are dumb.
- Thank you.
- Every ten minutes I get
these awful headaches.
- Oh, well how
long to they last?
- Oh about half an hour.
- Well it feels 19 and 28 folks.
- Goldie, when
you were in school,
did you have a tough
time with questions?
- No, but the
answers were murder.
- Rowan and Martin, 1912.
- When I was five years old,
I wanted to be a doctor.
- Why didn't you?
- Well, they wouldn't
allow a five year old
into medical school.
- Adam and Eve, 10 b.c., yeah.
- What?
(laughter)
- Hey Don.
- Yes.
- Get a load of this.
Yeah, I don't criticize Jackie
for picking a Greek mate.
After all, if it's good
enough for Nixon,
it's good enough for Jackie.
(laughter)
- Why don't you go
into a VA hospital
and have them care for you?
(laughter)
I had an Uncle Lou,
who was so nasty,
that when the Titanic went down,
he was rooting for the iceberg.
- That wasn't your uncle,
that was you, dummy.
- Hey Goldie,
my great grandfather
was a centenarian.
- What?
- [Dan] I say, my great
grandfather was a centenarian.
Isn't that wonderful Goldie?
My great grandfather
was a centenarian.
Hey, Goldie.
Did you know his great
grandfather was a centenarian?
- Hey, Goldie.
His great grandfather
was a centenarian.
- I hope he lives
to be a hundred.
- How's things going so far?
- Pretty bad, hockey puck.
Once in a while
Dan, move your neck,
so you know you're on.
(laughter)
- Go to your room,
will you dummy?
(Alan and Don talking
over each other)
- That big dope up in the
balcony has gone bananas.
By the way, I spoke to Zapata.
You are his son.
(laughter)
(all cheering)
(swing music)
- I see they let you
wear you own clothes.
- All right, I give up.
Who is Maid Marian?
- Hey listen, Bets.
Let's run up to Boston
for the weekend.
I know where they're
giving a wild tea party.
All the tea you want, but
you gotta bring your own pot.
- Oh bug off George, I've
got some spinning to do.
- Goodnight Lee.
- This program was prerecorded
11 months ago in Paris,
during the first peace talks,
which brought the war
to a speedy conclusion.
- Very interesting,
but it would never
make it as a series.
Goodnight Lucy,
you're still the queen in
the kingdom of my heart.
You too, Gary.
- Arte, go to your bunker.
(clapping)