Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 2, Episode 11 - Episode #2.11 - full transcript

- [Announcer] The following
program is brought to you

in living color on NBC.

(audience applauds)

(swinging music)

- I get all the battlefields
in the war mixed up.

Where is Berkeley anyway?

- It's not easy practicing
three hours a day on the piano,

especially if you're
an ice skater.

- Goldie, what do
you think of Karl Marx?

- Well, I liked him,
but I like Harpo better.

- In old country, the
government has remedy



for student gripes.

It's called firing squad.

- You know, with all the
money the government's

spending abroad, there's
nothing left to spend

on the broads here at home.

- My parents are so
old-fashioned, they still think

I'm talking about television
when I say tune in and turn on.

- Dad bought Mom
the ultimate in TV.

A black and white set
and a colored repairman.

- Oh, oh, I wish I could
be in Eastern Europe.

I hear everyone there
is feeling the pinch.

- My uncle's funeral
cost over $5,000 so far.

- So far?

- Yeah, we buried
him in a rented tuxedo.



- I heard there's a
near-sighted peeping tom

in my neighborhood
so I just put in

this big prescription
picture window.

- Thanks, anything would help.

- We had an
old-fashioned Thanksgiving.

My granddaddy, the
Colonel, flew to New England

and shot an Indian.

- Oh, well, sure, in every
town people get upset

occasionally with their
mayor, but in Chicago

they get upset with
their mayor Daley.

- Last year my Christmas
tree was so beautiful,

I had sleeves put on it

and I wore it to the
New Year's Eve party.

- Some may not agree with
the church's ruling on the pill,

but all they're really
against is no kidding.

- Are you kidding?

- Yes, and you'll be
a better person for it.

(swinging music)
(audience applauds)

- And now, from the
bridal suite of the Burbank

Municipal Steam
Bath, NBC presents

Rowan and Laugh-In's Martin,

starring Dan Rowan
and Dick Martin.

With guest star, Liberace.

And Judy Carne.

Arte Johnson.

With Ruth Buzzi.

Henry Gibson.

Goldie Hawn.

Dave Madden.

Alan Sues.

Sweet Brother Dick Whittington.

Jo Anne Worley.

The fun couple, Mitzi
McCall and Charlie Brill.

Chelsea Brown.

Muriel Landers.

And yours truly, Gary Owens,

and Morgul as
the Friendly Drelb.

But first, this
important message.

- Friends, I've
smoked them for years,

and I've never felt
better in my life.

(laughter)

And now, here are
the stars of Laugh-In,

the stuffing in tonight's
turkey, Dan Rowan

and the lovely Dick Martin.

(audience applauds)

- Good group, there, huh?

- Hey, before I forget it,

would you give me
a lift home, tonight?

- Sure, what's the matter,
having trouble with your car?

- Oh, some clown
hit me last night.

- No kidding, you
got his number I hope.

- Badge 714.

- Badge 7, you hit a police car?

- That's funny, so did I.

- How fast was he going?

- Well, he was
parked at the time.

- Bet he gave you a
piece of his mind, huh?

- He did seem to have
something to say as he drove off.

- You might be
in serious trouble,

you can't hit a police
car and just drive off.

- I didn't know that.

- No, you have to
report it to the police.

- Ah, he'll probably
tell somebody about it.

- You're lucky
it wasn't serious.

- Well, you should have
seen him try and get

the hydrant out of the
glove compartment.

- Well, at least
you weren't injured.

- The lady was pretty
shaken up, though.

- What lady was that?

- The lady that was in the
backseat with me at the time.

- I don't want to hear about it.

- Accident never would
have happened if one of us

had been up front
steering, you know.

- Hello.

- Hey, Judy!

- Hello, Dick and Dan.

- Glad you came in,
you just interrupted

one of the worst
jokes I ever heard

this ding-a-ling goin' for.

- Oh, I cam in to give
you my campus report.

- Campus report?

- See, since the future
of this great country's

in the hands of the
young people today,

Laugh-In has named Judy
Carne to be our campus reporter.

What's been happening
around the campuses this week?

No, I'm not asking you.

Judy, what's been happening
around the campuses this week?

- Well, instead of
telling you fellows,

I thought I'd show you,

so here is my campus
report of the week.

- Through our
well-financed Ford grant,

we have discovered
several important facts

about Indian folklore.

For instance, the
Indian rain dance

is a complete myth.

When the witch doctor
stood before the tribe

and chanted (chants gibberish),

rain would never
fall. (thunder claps)

The reason for this being,
that among those people,

the silly superstition
with which they...

- Now, then, Mr. Friendly,
whatever makes you think

you need a psychiatrist?

- Well, golly, I
just don't know.

- Applicability in
life's mainstream,

the desire for rain

was something that was
something of a forthright plea.

- How do I love thee?

Let me count the many ways.

Un, deux, trois, quatre,

cinque, 83

9 million, 100
thousand, billion trillion,

gobs and loads and
bunches (laughs).

(thunder claps)

- One of their favorite chants
being (chants gibberish),

at which time rain
wouldn't fall also.

- Come on, darling.

Come here.

Ms. Lawrence, as
your class adviser,

I must advise you to slow down.

- I think that one of the
most important aspects of this

is to prove to all
of you the silly part

of all superstitions.

(man sings under his breath)

Want to come to Harvard
and see where I sleep?

No, well you better
take me to Vassar

and show me where you sleep.

Mind if I sleep here
for a little while?

(chants)

- This never worked,
it was only when

the strato cumulus clouds
and the cirrus nimbus

were in the proper conjunction
that we could possibly

expect rain.

- I've got this
itching, Professor.

- Well, I wouldn't
worry about it,

it's probably just something
that's going around.

- Well, if it's going around,
then why haven't you got it?

- Durned if I know.

- Fun, though (chuckles).

- Hey, I think I got it, too.

- Take this down, sister.

We thank thee for these gifts

which you have so
bountifully bestowed upon us.

Amen.

Pray that back to me, sister.

- We can draw, as a hypothesis,

rain chants have no
efficacy, whatsoever.

The seeding of
the clouds, possibly.

- And that wraps up our
campus report for tonight.

(audience applauds)

- Why does it take four barbers

to give someone from
Burbank a haircut?

Well, one for each side.

- Take my wife, please.

- This appearance is what
we in the business call a trader.

If I do this show,

I get four appearances
on Let's Make a Deal,

and an eight by 10
glossy of Jo Ann's bippy.

(knocking on door)

- Quick, my husband.

- What am I running
for, I am your husband.

- I know all about
the birds and bees.

Now what I want to know is,

was I born in a nest or a hive?

- Well, Dick, it's
that time again.

- My girl get here?

- No, you ding-a-ling, it's
discovery of the week time.

- Oh, I got just the guy.

- Oh yeah?

- Beautiful downtown
Burbank's leading impressionist.

- Oh, well, then,
he must be great.

- Oh, great hardly covers it.

- Good, well, bring him on.

- All right, ladies
and gentlemen,

it's Laugh-In's great pleasure
to present to you now,

Mr. Murray Langston and
his impression of a fork.

- A fork.

(audience applauds)

- And now, I'd like to do
my impression of a fork,

the ordinary eating
utensil, a fork.

(drum rolls)

Thank you.

(audience applauds)

- What do you think?

- Well, he's something
special, all right.

- You ought to see him
do his impression of a knife.

- Sounds great,
how'd you find him?

- Well, last night at
dinner, I just looked down,

there he was, right
next to my plate,

next to my soup spoon.

- Does a real good
impression of a knife, huh?

- I guess so, for a finish,

he stabs himself with himself.

- It's such a thrill to meet
the Boston Strangler,

will you please be sure
and tell Mrs. Strangler

I said hello (laughs).

- I know you like to feel
free on the field, Grobowski,

but those ballet
slippers will have to go.

(comical music)

(crashing)

- Sports sandal.

(knocking on door)

- Quick, it's my husband.

- She's very confused,
I'm her husband.

- Grobowski, where were
you during spring training?

- Charlie, honey.

- Huh, what?

- What are you reading, darling?

- Oh, Popular Mechanics,
teaches you how to fix things,

know what I mean?

- Does it teach you
how to fix your head?

- And now, here's
Laugh-In News of the past,

present, and future.

From the top, girls.

(Liberace plays "Moonlight
Sonata" by Beethoven)

Lots of news across the nation

We have got the
information In a way

We hope will amuse you

We just want to give our view

La-da, di-da Ladies and gents

Laugh-In looks at the news

Here's Dan (audience applauds)

- Now, for the
news of the present,

here's the man for whom
the news wouldn't be the news

without the news, here's Dickie.

(Johnny Carson theme
music) (audience applauds)

- That was the most
beautiful thing I've ever seen.

I really hate to be the
one to break it to you,

but absolutely nothing
happened today, nothing!

So, take it away, Goldie.

- And now with the news
of the future, here's Dan.

- Hi.

- Oh, Dick, you're cute and
adorable and everything,

but you're so dumb, come on.

- Takes one to know one.

On this date in history,
1988, 20 years from now,

absolutely nothing will happen.

- (screeching) Dan,
you know what?

- Yeah.

- With nothing happening,
I'm really getting bored.

- Really, you don't
know what bored is,

let me tell you about...

- And now, Laugh-In
takes a look at the past.

(man sings under his breath)

- I see you're glad to see me.

Want a bite of my apple?

Aw, I guess nothing's gonna
happen here today, either.

- And now for the sports beat,

here's Laugh-In's number
one sport, Alan Sues.

- Hi, Big Al here

with a featurette.

How do you like that, absolutely
nothing happened today.

And now my bell
won't even tinkle.

Let's have a little tinkle,
there, bell, come on.

Tinkle it up.

Boo, boo, no tinkle.

- Poor baby, he can't
even ring his chimes.

That's the news
across the nation

Now you've got the
information In a way

We hope has amused you

We just love to give the news

La-Da, di-da Ladies and gents

Laugh-In looked at the news

(audience applauds)

("Pop Goes the Weasel")

(regal music)

- Well I see by the old
sign hangin' there in mid-air

that it's time, once again,

for the Flying Fickle
Finger of Fate Award.

- I also see by the
little old cue cards

who's gonna get it tonight.

- Yeah, well, it's the OK
Sewing Machine Company

of Omaha, Nebraska.

- Why, did they drop a
stitch or blow a bobbin?

- Better than that.

These civic-minded
folk, in order to stimulate

the sale of their sewing
machines are giving away

with each and every
purchase, a free shotgun.

- That's a great idea, you
could sew your own mask

and then pull a hold-up
with the shotgun.

- That's right, and
shotguns are handy

if you want to make
a lot of button holes.

- Besides, did you ever try
to sew someone to death?

Ew, it's messy.

- Yeah, shotguns better.

Therefore, OK Sewing
Machine Company, here you are.

As you sew, so shall you reap.

(machine-gun fires)

- Hey, they ought'a put
a silencer on this thing.

- Let me in there,
Coach, let me in there.

- OK, get in the
game, Grobowski.

- Game, you big ninny, I
want to go to the powder room.

Do you have a dime?

(knocking on door)

- Quick, my husband.

- All right, come out, I
know you're under there.

Come on, get out of there.

(singing in foreign language)

- Rain is something that
is only God's creation,

with only time and certain
atmospheric conditions

can elaborate upon.

- Jugs.

- Hello, hello, I
am your duty doll.

I like television.

Every Monday night
I watch Gunsmoke.

Gunsmoke, Gunsmoke

Every Monday night I watch
Gunsmoke til Laugh-In comes on.

I may be a doll,
but I'm not dumb.

- (laughing) Yes
you are, are, are.

You're dumb.

Now go over there
and stand by Goldie.

That's a good little doll.

You know what,
you're kind of cute.

- Touch my little
body, and I'll hit you.

- Ah, medic!

- The score so far,
Gunsmoke, 12 old cowboys,

Laugh-In, 75 old jokes.

We have a correction
on the late score.

Gunsmoke, 12 old cowboys,

Laugh-In, 175 old jokes.

(swinging music)

- You know, today 53% of
Americans are under 25?

The other 47% are under attack.

- I never trust anyone over 38.

- I never believe
anyone over 38, see?

- I'm at that awkward age,

too old for the
Pepsi Generation,

and too young for the
Geritol for lunch bunch.

- I'm all for getting youth
to come back to the church,

but I refuse to call the
Commandments the Top Ten.

- All the kids in my school

are really proud
of the astronauts.

Imagine, to stay
that high for that long.

- In America, they say children

should be seen and not heard.

In Russia, anybody who's
heard is never seen, I hope.

- I was young once,
but it didn't last.

- Now, we're starting
a big youth movement

down on the plantation.

Anybody know where I
could find a Nephew Tom?

- According to
Dr. Spock's latest book,

children should be
kept out of drafts.

- Do you realize how frightening

this world would
be without children?

For one thing, women would
have to give birth to adults.

- It'd be easier to communicate
with some of our youths

if the mail to Sweden
wasn't so slow.

- If you're really as
dumb as you think,

how come Georgie
Jessel is so old?

- You know that in
Thailand the average man

is 62 years old?

The average woman is 12.

Must be the water,
think about it.

- You know, personally,
I prefer older men.

They can always show you
a few new wrinkles (laughs).

- I always wanted to be in
Westerns, and I never knew

why they didn't use me.

Could it have been
my British accent,

or the fact that I faint
at the sight of horses?

- It is written, when
the lips are dry,

and the body hungers,
the soul is out to lunch.

- Now I'd like to do for you,

my impression of
a grandfather clock.

A grandfather clock.

Quiet, please.

Tick.

Tock.

Tick.

Tock.

Thank you, thank you.

Enjoy yourself, enjoy yourself.

- You take away Cary
Grant's good looks,

his great wardrobe, his
fabulous British accent,

his straight white teeth,
and what have you got?

Me.

(knocking on door)

- Quick, it's my husband.

- Hello, dear.

How many times
do I have to tell ya?

Keep your things
out of my closet.

- It's 4th down,
three seconds to play,

and they're winning by
seven points, Grobowski,

what play are you gonna use?

I think I'll use Hamlet.

- There's an insane
woman in my attic,

come, I'll show you
(laughs hysterically).

- Now, if all of
you will follow me,

I will have a
discussion on thunder,

and as a subsequent alternate,

how lightning will never strike

in the same place twice.

Thank you.

- Knish.

- And now, Laugh-In
looks at the mod world

of tiny, tiny children.

One, two, three, one, two, three

One, two, three, one, two, three

Saturday comes and
we put down our toys

Go to this place with
some girls and some boys

Then we start learning
some grace and some poise

At Mr. Marmaduke's
Saturday afternoon

Ladies and gentlemen's
dancing class

Girls make a curtsy
and boys make a bow

If we want poise we
start learning it now

Look, ma, they're dancing

But heaven knows how

At Mr. Marmaduke's
Saturday afternoon

Ladies and gentlemen's
dancing class

You're a rat face
You're a toad nose

You're a moron You're a

Everybody one,
two, three Jackass

You're a dropout

You're just 40
kinds of crumminess

You're 50 kinds of dummy-ness

Henry and Arte stop
picking on Ruth Yeah

Goldie and Judy
that's really uncouth

Oh yeah

Alan you've just knocked
out Jo Ann's new tooth

At Mr. Marmaduke's
Saturday afternoon

Ladies and gentlemen's
Dancing class

La, la, la, la, la, la

La, la, la, la, la, la

It's a nightmare It's a bore

It's a bummer A mess

It's a bad trip It's a croc

It's a everybody
left, right, left

Problem, a dilemma It's a

We're learning etiquette

Like we're from Connecticut

One, two, three, one, two, three

That's how it goes

He pushed me, he pushed me

Well step on his
toes Slash our ways in

With a punch in the nose

At Mr. Marmaduke's
Saturday afternoon

Ladies and gentlemen's

Learning our one, two, threes

Marmaduke's Saturday afternoon

Dancing class

- Class dismissed!

(audience applauds)

- Well, Dick, tonight
we're going to talk

about the wonderful world
of the youth of America.

- My nephew?

- No, we're not just talking
about a specific youth

like your nephew.

Youth is plural.

- I'll drink to that.

- Anyway, tonight,
we're gonna talk about

how to bring up
young people properly.

Education, for instance.

Now your nephew goes to school.

- Oh, yeah.

- What kind of
school's he go to?

- Oh, it's a red brick building.

- No, I mean, is it a
progressive school?

- I don't know anything
about his politics.

- I'm not talking
about his politics,

the education's all changed.

I'm talking about
things like new math.

Let me give you an example.

Say a farmer has five
oranges and two lemons.

- Now let me get this straight.

- Five oranges, farmers got
five oranges and two lemons.

- I said, let me
get this straight.

A farmer has five
oranges and two lemons.

- You've posed the
question, now what's he got?

- A small farm.

- Oh, come on.

- A funny tree?

- Now look, you have five
oranges and two lemons...

- Could you make
it two tomatoes?

I had two lemons
for lunch today.

- All right, you have five
oranges and two tomatoes.

- Well, what's the
problem, on any night

I get two tomatoes, I
don't eat any oranges.

- Let's forget about the
new math, and your nephew.

Hey, did you bring
him to the show tonight?

- No, he has more fun swimming,

dove in at 8:00 this morning.

- Oh yeah, pretty
good swimmer, huh?

- I guess so, called me
an hour ago from Vietnam.

- Your nephew swam to Vietnam?

- I didn't know that.

- Well you better get him back.

- It's too late, he
enlisted in the army.

- Dick, he could get shot.

- (chuckles) He's
perfectly safe,

he enlisted in the
South Vietnamese Army.

- The South?

So friends, with that pungent
comment, we move right along

while the mod, mod
world takes a look

at the wonderful world
of Dick and other children.

(swinging music)

It is every man's
ambition to have his son

follow in his footsteps.

Now this is
particularly true today

among the stars of Hollywood.

- What's the
matter with the kid?

He doesn't want to
go into show business?

Dean's kids did,
Frank's kids did,

Jerry's kid got a golden record.

- Jerry who?

- Everybody's kid
is in the business,

Lucille Ball's, Henry
Fonda's, Danny Thomas,

Mickey Rooney,
Judy Garland's kid,

everybody has a kid in
the business but our kid.

- Now, dear, you've
got to admit that our boy

is not the most
talented boy in the world.

And I mean, he is a little
short, like you, darling.

And he's not very good
looking, and I must tell you, dear,

I'm afraid I don't
think he's too bright.

- All right, we'll
make him an agent.

- (laughing) All right, perfect!

Nobody told me that I
shouldn't drink the perfume

So what is the
reason for the stew

They said not to wear it

Nor to break the pretty bottles

And what they told me not to do

Is what I didn't do

But nobody told me that I
shouldn't drink the perfume

So I did

(swinging music)

- And they lived happily
ever after, isn't that nice dear?

What's the matter, son,
don't you like the new maid?

- I hate her, I'd
like to grab her

and bite her on the
neck just like Daddy does.

Nobody told me that I
shouldn't paint a baby

So why do they have to be unkind

They said not to paint the wall

The floor, the house, or ceiling

And one thing that
they cannot say

Is that I didn't mind

But nobody told me that
I shouldn't paint the baby

So I did

- I'm not worried about
the children of today

being the parents of tomorrow.

I'm worried about them
being the parents of today,

know what I mean?

- Henry, will you marry me?

- Oh, Goldie, don't be dumb.

You're only six, and I'm eight.

- Well, what's wrong with that?

- Well, you know
those May-December

marriages never work out.

(swinging music)

- My analyst says my
daughter's insecurity stems

from being the only fifth-grader
who's not going steady.

Nobody told me that I
mustn't mow the carpet

So why are they
hollering this way

They said that I mustn't
mow the pansy beds or roses

And just like Mommy's darling

I was careful to obey

But nobody told me that
I mustn't mow the carpet

So I did

- Oh, Harry, Harry,
I've had it with that kid.

He has been a
monster all day long.

He spit at me, he
kicked me, look.

He broke his trains.

Now I want you to go in
there and give it to him,

and give it to him good.

Now you're the father,
now do your duty.

I want you to go in there
and give him what for.

Now, get in there.

(sobs)

(crying)

- Oh, oh my poor baby.

What has that brute done to you?

What?

(yelps)

(swinging music)

Nobody told me that I
shouldn't shave the kitty

So why are they
treating me this way

They said that I mustn't shave
my hair or Mommy Sherman

And like a little lambie,
I would never disobey

But nobody told me that
I shouldn't shave the kitty

So I did

- Children of America,

Art Linklater is getting
fat off your labor.

You say clever things,
and he makes money off it.

And what do you get?

Scale and no residuals.

And what does Linklater have?

A mansion in Beverly
Hills, oil wells in Texas,

sheep ranches in
Australia, it's not fair.

So the next time Art
Linklater asks you to go on TV,

bite him on the ankle and say,

"Kids do the darndest
things," or something.

Thank you.

(swinging music)

- Parents shouldn't let kids

follow in their
footsteps (laughs).

I mean, let 'em
stagger by themselves.

- Darling, this isn't
going to be easy,

I know you've had Paddy
ever since you were a little baby,

and I know you
loved him very much,

but today, while you were
at school, he got run over.

- Paddy's gone!

- Well dear, I told you
he got run over today,

you didn't seem to mind.

- But I thought you said Daddy.

- I'd like to explode
the myth about babies.

Anyone who thinks
babies are delivered

by weak, skinny
storks has gotta be nuts.

Anyone with brains
knows that babies

are delivered by giant chickens,

and if you don't believe
me, ask Santa Claus.

- I believe, I believe.

- When I was just a kid,
I could pray in school,

but I had to use the back door.

Today my kids can
go in the front door,

but they can't pray.

- Tell me son, who's the
greatest man in the world?

- Mommy's first husband.

(swinging music)

- Well, that's about it for our
mod, mod world on children.

Anything you'd like
to add to that, Dick?

- Yes, I think we
have been neglecting

the young people of America,
and I think we should do

a mod, mod world on children.

- What a splendid notion.

- Thank you.
- We just did it.

- [Dick] Oh, fine, let me
know when it's ready,

I wouldn't want to
miss it for the world.

- OK, I will let you know.

- All right, I'll see you,

what, what, what, what, what?

I said, what, what,
what, what, what?

- You said it well,
too, where you going?

- I've got to go
get my teddy bear,

I've got to go down for my nap.

- You take a nap
with a teddy bear?

- Aha, and she calls
me Babar the Elephant.

One, two, three, one two, three

Over the floor

It's hard to dance when
your eye's on the door

When you're a kid,
life's a terrible bore

At Mr. Marmaduke's
Saturday afternoon

Ladies and gentlemen's

Learning their left, right leg

Marmaduke's Saturday
afternoon dancing class

(all shouting)

- Boy, your mother
sure dresses you funny.

- Blow on his ear and
he'll follow you anywhere.

- Oh yeah, that
big Al is beautiful.

- Puberty.

- You know why no one

in beautiful downtown
Burbank has freckles?

They keep sliding
off their faces.

- Think of the fellow who's
been married for 40 years

to the same woman,
where have I failed?

- And now for your
enjoyment, my impression

of a tube of toothpaste.

(knocking on door)

- Quick, it's my husband.

(gunshots)

- Avon calling.

- What's that cheering for?

- Grobowski just kicked off.

- Oh, poor baby, I
didn't know he was sick.

- Help stamp out Steinways.

- Judy, Judy, Judy.

- Bernie, Bernie, Bernie.

- And now ladies and gentlemen,

in order to get our
program off to a flying stop,

we open tonight's show
with the stars of Laugh-In,

Dan Rowan and the
lovely Dick Martin.

- Say, how about a
bite after the show?

- I can't, I gotta go eat.

- How 'bout a sandwich
after the show?

- No, I promised this
lady down in Malibu

I'd take her for a midnight dip.

- Oh really, she
swims at midnight?

- I didn't know that.

- You ought'a be a little
careful in that ocean, you know.

Those waves can be dangerous.

- No, no, no, she's a WAC.

- Who's a WAC?
- The wave.

- [Dan] The wave's a WAC.

Well, just be careful
in the water, that's all.

- We don't go near the water.

- You don't go near the water,

how can you take a midnight dip?

- Well, she puts all
this gunk in a bowl,

and at midnight she
hands me a potato chip.

How'd you know?

- I was there watching you.

You really don't take a
midnight dip in the ocean?

- No, no, no, no, no.

When we run out of potato chips,

we usually just go swimming.

- That gorgeous Dan
Rowan, he really turns me on.

- If I remember correctly,
Gentle Ben turns you on.

- Be that as it may,
here's something

that'll turn you
all on, potpourri.

- You mean pot-pourri.

- Whatever turns you on.

- In my new movie Charlie,
I play a retarded person,

a fellow with an IQ of 59,
sort of a bright Dick Martin.

- This week's most
asked question is,

what was the most
unusual ailment ever suffered

by a human being?

- The answer to this
question is Ostrich Fever.

The patient was Mrs. Michelle
Dan of Melbourne, Australia

who lived the last
six years of her life

with her head
buried in the sand.

- The answer to the second
most asked question of the week,

the strangest birth on
record was a 22-pound egg

laid by Mrs. Michelle Dan
of Melbourne, Australia,

- How's that grab ya, egg nuts?

- Nothin' ever grabs me.

- And now, a salute
to clumsy people.

Oh!

(buzzing)

- Hello, NBC, beautiful
downtown Burbank.

Oh, I'll ask him, madam,
but I don't believe

it's the same Liberace
that played for Notre Dame.

First I put my
right foot Over here

Then I put my
left foot Over here

I lean from the middle
And bend my back

That's what I call tying my shoe

- Santa Claus hint number 39.

Ho, ho, ho.

If you're standing
on your street corner

dressed in your Santa outfit,

and you're ringing your chime,

and people are either
ignoring you completely

or laughing at you wildly,

first check to see
that it isn't Easter.

- Scout hint number 76.

If you are lost in the
woods, and you want to know

what time it is,
here is what to do.

Step out into a
patch of sunlight.

Now, with the sun
over your left shoulder,

hold your left arm
parallel to the ground.

Incline the forearm at
an angle of 90 degrees.

Now with the other
hand, pull back your cuff

and look at your watch.

- 'Ello, 'ello, what
is it, speak up?

- Well I wonder, ma'am, if I
could cut a few cords of wood

for a bit of a sandwich
and a cup of tea.

- Of course not,
now get on with ya

before I call the constable.

(knocks on door)

Now what is it?

- Well I wonder ma'am, could
I have a word with St. George?

I'm a better person for that.

- I couldn't come up
with a poem this week,

by Henry Gibson.

Well, no muse is good muse.

- It is said in my profession,

the talk of the man is much
like the flow of the Ganges,

especially if the man lisps.

- Liberace.

- Yes, Goldie.

- Do you realize when we first
met we were total strangers?

(clown horn honks)

- Melons.

- Well, it's time to
say goodnight, Dick.

- Goodnight, Dick.

- Goodnight, Dick.

- Goodnight, Dick.

- Who's Dick?

- Good night, Dick.

- Now, just try and hold on
to yourself there for a second.

Next week, it's a show
that has to be announced...

- You know, I thought
perhaps I'd tell you

what my aunt told me one time.

Yeah, she used to drive
the bus for Harry James

and his Musicmakers, and
they got stuck in a car wash

in Battle Creek,
Michigan for 14 days.

I thought perhaps what
Harry James said to her

when they came out of the
car wash would be (laughing).

He just said, "Blow
on my trumpet,

"I'll follow you anywhere."

- Wasn't that worth
waiting for, folks?

Say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.

- [Dan] Goodnight, everybody,
hope you had a good time.

(audience applauds)

- I had a fun weekend,
you know what I did?

I hijacked a Cuban plane,

and then I took the
pilot back to my place.

- Jo Ann, you're so
weird and dumb, weird.

- Don't start calling
the pot a kettle.

- You know what?

The trouble with
getting the Asian flu

is that an hour later,
you're well again.

- Liberace, what's
a widow's peak?

- I don't know, I've
never been out with one.

- The misses is going
to the Virgin Islands,

can I bring you back anything?

- Well, let's see,
my second choice

would be an alligator belt.

- I've about had it with
those alligator belt jokes.

- Hello, again.

- Hey, that's a lovely hat.

- Cost me $60.

- For that piece of junk?

(speaking gibberish
foreign language)

- Will you shut up?

Now, as I was saying,
my uncle never misses

an Italian movie.

- Oh, is he Italian?

- No, he's a dirty old man.

- My agent has
a split personality.

- How can you split a
personality that small?

- Now, that's funny (laughs).

- My uncle tried to mate
a porcupine with a turtle.

- Oh, is he Italian?

- No, but it cost him $60.

- Hey, Goldie!

- What?

- Have you had an appendectomy?

- No, I just had some
cottage cheese, I'm trying...

- Get, oh!

- Are you a pole vaulter?

- No, my name is
(gibberish foreign language)

- You know, they don't
pay me much on this show,

so I couldn't afford to
have my ears pierced,

so I stapled my earrings on.

(speaks gibberish
foreign language)

- Dan!

- What is it, Chelsea?

- What would you get if
you crossed the Atlantic

with the Titanic?

- I didn't hear the question.

- What would you get
if you crossed (laughs).

(all shouting)

What would you get if
you crossed the Atlantic

with the Titanic?

- If you cross the
Atlantic with the Titanic

you'd get halfway.

- Yeah!
- Close your window, please.

All right, you can come out.

- You know, of
course, that I'm Polish?

- You're kidding.

- I wouldn't kid about
something like that.

(knocking on door)

- Quick, it's my husband.

(comical music)

- This show has
been pre-recorded,

and will be seen
at a later date.

- So we were at
Deluxe Hillside, and...

- Good night, fellas.

- Hey, Judy.

You look lovely, Judy.
- Thank you.

- [Dick] You going
somewhere special?

- Certainly am, very
special occasion.

- Hey, hey, it's a good thing

we didn't sock it to ya tonight.

- Oh, yeah, would
have ruined my dress.

- Have a nice time.
- OK.

- Sock it to me, sock it to me,

sock it to me, sock it to me.

- It's never too late, you know.

- Oh, come on,
that'd be a dirty trick,

she would never forgive us.

- Sock it to me, sock
it to me, sock it to me.

- Sure is a temptation,
though, isn't it?

- Use a little
self-control, that's all.

- Sock it to me (laughing)?

I'll sock it to you.

- Very interesting.

Good night, Lucy, this
is your final warning.

You will get those
kid-lets to bed, or else.

And I'm not kidding.

- Good night, love.

- Good night, Judy.

- That's not nice, you
know, just 'cause I'm English.

Goodnight, Wolfgang.

- I was only following orders.

(a single person claps)