Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 2, Episode 12 - Episode #2.12 - full transcript
(fluttering orchestral music)
- [Announcer] The
following program
is brought to you in
living color, on NBC.
(poorly performed violin music)
- You know actually, I
love this show so much,
I just dropped by to
treat the cast to dinner.
- Come on Spendo.
The line is gone at the
sandwich machine now.
(laughter)
(poorly performed violin music)
(jingling sleigh
bells) (lively music)
- Boy if there's one time
of the year I really
hate, it's now.
(laughter)
- Next thing is,
we must make this year's
Ladies Liberal Christmas party
the most successful in history.
But everyone must pitch
in to make it just that.
- Uh huh, and in keeping
with our liberal tradition,
now I suggest we
make it cooperative.
I'll bring the salad.
- I'll bring the cold cuts.
- I'll bring the ice tea.
- And I'll bring the negro.
(laughter)
- Mr. Fairbanks your
right profile is your best,
so try and remember
to keep that profile
to the camera if
you will please.
Faversham, your
left profile is your best.
Keep that profile turned
to the camera please.
- Good thinking.
- All right, gentlemen.
Okay, action!
(clattering swords) (laughter)
(rattling cup)
- Hey guard come here!
Hey guard come here! (rattling)
- What do you want, Lefty?
- I want a new cup,
this one's dented.
(laughter)
- Yeah, there we go,
Charlie on the town.
Can't spend one Christmas
Eve with your own family, huh?
Well, (laughing), sure Charlie.
Who do you think
you are, Bob Hope?
(laughter)
- Behold my son, some
day all of this will be yours.
If you only give
up that nonsense
about hair dressing school,
oy vey! (laughter)
(lively comical music)
(thumping) (laughter)
(lively comical music)
- Timberrr!
(cracking)
(laughter)
(snapping cord)
- Hello, I'm your Judy doll.
Pull my string and I talk.
Touch my little
body, and I hit you!
(laughter)
- So, Count Fantossy!
- Mmm!
- You sold me a
castle that collapsed,
a drawbridge that broke,
a tower that crumbled.
En Garde!
See, come to think of
it you sold me this too!
(laughter)
- Oh I'm really
sorry about that.
(laughter)
- And now, from the blue room
of the Belle Barth
Memorial Showboat,
high atop the Burbank
Municipal utility pole,
NBC is unable to prevent,
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In,
starring Dan Rowan,
(clapping) and Dick Martin.
With guest star
Douglas Fairbanks
Junior! (clapping)
And, Judie Carne!
Arte Johnson! (clapping)
With Ruth Buzzi! (clapping)
Henry Gibson! (clapping)
Goldie Hawn! (clapping)
Dave Maddin! (clapping)
Alan Sues! (clapping)
Sweet Brother Dick
Whittington, and
Jo Anne Worley! (clapping)
And, Chelsea Brown! (clapping)
Jack Riley! (clapping)
Yours truly Gary Owens, and
Morgul, as the friendly Drel.
- Here comes
the big finish folk!
(clapping)
- And now lend an
ear to the lovely strains,
of the lovely Dan Rowan,
and the strained, Dick Martin.
(laughter)
(comically perky
music) (applause)
- Hey uh, I missed seeing you
at the rehearsal this morning.
- Well I had a visit
from my family.
- Oh, your family's in town!
- I didn't know that.
(scattered laughter)
The least they could have
done was call.
- Dick, you...
(laughter) After all it was
a special occasion.
- What special occasion?
- Oh my family's in town.
(laughter)
- You know, I've
never met your family.
- Uh, it's just an
average American family,
mother, father, 2.5 children.
(laughter)
- 2.5 children?
- My half-brother.
- Oh.
(laughter)
- He only works part time.
- Uh huh, you know you
have a pretty weird family.
A half-brother,
an invisible uncle.
What's your father like?
- Oh he likes Chinese food,
the beach, Raquel Welch.
(laughter)
- I mean who do you take after?
- Raquel Welch
mostly. (laughter)
- I'll try just once more.
Do you look more like
your father or your mother?
- Well I'd certainly say so.
(laughter)
- You know, well I'd hope so,
I'd like to meet 'em some time.
Are they here tonight?
- No they're back at
the hotel watching Lucy.
(laughter)
- They're watching Lucy
with a son on this show?
- I didn't know Lucy
had a son on this show!
(laughter)
- I'm gonna forget that,
I just hope to meet
'em some time.
- So do I, you really
got to introduce me.
(laughter)
How about right after the party?
- Yeah, why not?
Won't you join us please?
(applause)
(lively acid-rock music)
- You know Haight-Ashbury
always has the Christmas spirit.
Oh yes, every day of
the week you can see
jolly bearded
guys on the street,
holding a little pot
and going ho ho ho!
(laughter) (lively
jazz-rock music)
- I understand the
South Vietnamese Army
plans to celebrate
the Christmas truce
by visiting the front.
(laughter) (lively
acid-rock music)
- My neighbor's putting
up an aluminum tree
with aerosol snow sprinkled over
a fake fireplace while waiting
for a frozen turkey to thaw.
In Hollywood that's known
as an old-fashioned Christmas.
(laughter)
- I know you!
I know you!
Forten Lewis Junior!
(laughter) (lively
acid-rock music)
- What a pity, most
of the Christmas spirit
one finds these
days is 90-proof.
(laughter) (lively
acid-rock music)
- Good little girls get candy
and toys for Christmas,
but it's the other kind
that get all the real
worthwhile presents!
Laaaaaaaa!
(laughter) (lively
acid-rock music)
- Every Christmas
I ask Santa Claus
to put a goody in my stocking,
Last year it almost worked,
I got a card from Goody!
(laughter) (lively
acid-rock music)
- Now you ain't had
Christmas 'til you've heard
Oh Come All Ye Faithful, sung
around a roaring, Yule cross!
(laughter) (lively
acid-rock music)
- My boyfriend gave
me a mink for Christmas.
The little rascal bit me!
And so did the mink!
(laughter) (lively
acid-rock music)
- What's one big
difference in America,
at the end of the year, the
people plan to throw a party.
In the old country,
the people planned to
overthrow the party!
(laughter) (lively
acid-rock music)
- Dad always makes a
big fuss over Christmas.
Every year his employees
ask for the day off
and Dad makes a big fuss.
(laughter) (lively
acid-rock music)
- Would you like to kiss
me under the mistletoe?
- Well that's a good a
place as any to start.
(laughter) (lively
acid-rock music)
- I think they should
move Christmas to July,
then the stores
aren't so crowded!
(laughter) (lively
jazz-rock music)
- Oh hello! (laughter)
When I was little
kid, I got a little soldier
that worked on batteries.
And this Christmas
I want a Biiiiiig
sailor that works
on a battleship!
(laughter) (lively
jazz-rock music)
- If Scrooge could
see Tiny Tim today
he'd take back that Christmas
goose and cook it himself.
(laughter) (lively
acid-rock music)
(applause)
- I'm a little
pooped tonight girls,
two of you will have to leave.
(laughter)
(comically perky music)
(laughter)
- Hey Jerry.
- What?
- Look at this.
- Hey, where'd you get that?
- I carved it out
of a bar of soap.
- Hey Fred, look
what Lefty made?
- That's the best
soap gun I ever seen.
(laughter)
(snapping cord)
- Hello, I'm your
talking Judy doll.
And I think Chatty
Caddy has a big mouth.
(laughter)
(crunching) (laughter)
- I hate to break
the rhythm folks,
but here's a little
touch of humor.
The news. (laughter)
(comical
mechanically-springy music)
What's the news,
across the nation?
We have got, the information
In a way we hope will amuse, you
We just love, to
give you our views
Da-dum, de-dum
(slurred) Laugh-In
looks at the news
News, news, news News Neeeewwss
(laughter) (applause)
(ratcheting gears)
(squealing)
(laughter)
- We're back!
(laughter)
- And now here's the
news at the present from
the man to whom wouldn't
be the news without the news,
heeeeere's Dicky!
(applause)
(congratulatory music)
- The latest in a
series of highjackings
occurred today in Parma, Ohio,
when a man leaped into
the cab of a garbage truck,
and said, "Turn
this thing around,
"we're going to Warsaw!"
(laughter)
Meanwhile, in Washington
D.C., Senator Dirksen today
poo-pooed rumors
that there had been
another attempt on his wife.
(laughter)
And finally in Hollywood,
perennial favorite
Judy Garland was due
to check into Mount Sinai
Hospital for minor surgery today.
When she failed to appear,
doctors immediately called
Sammy Davis Junior who
filled in for Miss Garland
by having his gall
bladder removed.
(laughter)
Next week Mr. Davis
is appearing at the
Seders of Lebanon
where he will stand in
for Danny Thomas by
having his nose fixed.
(laughter)
And now, take it away Goldie!
(drum roll)
- (giggles) And now (laughter)
here's Dave with
the news of the future.
North, east, south,
(giggles), and west.
And l-l, and left! (laughter)
(giggling)
- Right, and, and right.
(laughter)
- Oh!
Uh, north, east,
south and right!
Oh! (laughter)
Two for flinching!
(laughter)
News of the future,
Detroit, 1988.
Harry B. Whacker, the
world's first frozen man,
was finally thawed out
after 20 years today,
when his wife took him
down to Lake Michigan,
and had him rammed
by a Coast Guard cutter.
(laughter)
Meanwhile, meanwhile
in the Pentagon,
with the induction of another
12,000,000 draftees today,
the United States achieved
the world's fourth
largest standing army,
ranking right behind
China, Cuba, and Chicago.
(laughter)
Saigon 1988, 20 years from
now, the South Vietnamese Army
finally went into combat today,
when they launched
a massive offensive
against the United States
Fifth Marine Brigade,
which was trying
to leave for home.
(laughter)
- Now for news of the past,
we take you back 2000
years to somewhere
in the deserts of the East.
(exotic flute music)
- Behold the star in the east,
which we must follow,
fellow Wise Men.
- Okay, you three guys go
ahead and follow that star,
I'm gonna spend Christmas
Eve with my family.
(laughter)
- And now all you sports nuts,
here comes Laugh-In's
own sports nut,
Alan Sues, in the Alan
Sues Sports Scene.
(laughter) Scene.
(laughter) (enthusiastic music)
- Hi!
Big Al here.
(ringing)
Featurette. (ringing
and laughter)
A few words to our oodles
and oodles of boar hunting fans.
(light laughter) I'll
never understand
why you go out year after year
struggling through the brush,
tearing your stockings
and getting all upset,
(laughter) looking for a boar,
when you can find one
at any cocktail party.
(laughter)
Dull, dull, oh...
(ringing)
Oh, bore... (laughter)
- Well that's it for
the news for tonight.
- It is?
- Yeah, what did I
forget something?
- Why what'd you forget?
- Well I didn't think
like I forgot anything,
you sounded like you
wanted to add something.
- Oh I did!
- Okay.
- Don't forget to do
your Christmas
shopping early this year.
(laughter)
- You're very helpful.
- He certainly is.
(laughter)
(outrageously
perky Laugh-in jingle)
- Mistletoe.
(laughter)
- Item.
Today in the beautiful
downtown Burbank Hospital,
doctors performed
the world's first
successful wart transplant.
(laughter)
- Good evening, my
name is Martin Landau.
- Hmmm.
So that's what
you really look like.
(laughter)
- Hey Lefty.
Look at this spoon.
- Hey, jeez,
where'd you get that?
- I carved it out of a knife.
(laughter)
- You're not really
bright, are you?
- No I'm dumb.
(laughter)
- We've got to stop
meeting like this, I think the
sultan's getting suspicious.
(laughter)
- You know, Sant.
I still prefer the old
fashioned Christmas.
- Yeah, when Tiny Tim said
"God bless us everyone!"
Instead of "Tip-toe
through your tulips."
(laughter)
(comically perky music)
(laughter)
- Timberrr!
(whistling whoosh)
(laughter)
(snapping cord)
- Hello, I'm your
talking Judy doll.
Why don't Ken and Barbie talk?
Maybe they're too
busy with other things.
(ratcheting gear)
Things, things, th...
(laughter)
- We're going to have na...
(scattered laughter)
(astonished laughter
and guffawing)
- Yes Virginia, there
is a Santa Claus.
(raucous laughter)
Forget about me Dick,
I'm no good for you!
(laughter)
(lighthearted jingly music)
Here's Nicon the
elf, all by himself
Make most of the toys
kids want on their shelves
We're spreading our
cheer and you'll find joyyyyy
With toys that
will self-destroyyyy
We're making little
toys for Christmas
For all the little
girls and boys
We're making pretty
plastic cannons
That really make a lot of noise
Boom (giggling)! (toy explosion)
We're making tiny tanks
and pistols, and shiny
little rockets toooo
'Cause kiddies just adore
These toys for making war
The same as me and you
Make a really painful (slurred)
We make a really mean cross-bow
We've got some
really deadly missiles
To shoot beneath the mistletoe
You gotta have a killer robot
To decorate your
Christmas treeeee
Let's make each lad and lass
Think weapons are a gas
The same as you and me
We ought to try to get along now
That's something
Santa always said
But making weapons
is his (slurred)
'Cause Santa Claus
is dead (sobbing)
- No he isn't!
He's alive and well
and living in beautiful
downtown Burbank.
(laughter)
- Oh that's neat!
(squealing gleefully)
We're making little
toys for Christmas
'Cause that's what
children really like
And if you want
to make 'em happy
Forget about the skates and fife
We even make a pair of handcuffs
In case you're
causin' too much fuuun
We're (slurred) again
We like the boomarang
The same as all of us
The same as all of uuuuuus.
- Where's Santa?
- Santa who?
(cheering)
(applause)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
in keeping with our
long established custom,
tonight Laugh-In
for the first time
presents Douglas
Fairbanks Junior,
with our traditional reading
of a political Christmas carol,
(laughter) by Charles
Everett Dirksen.
(laughter) I think it's flat.
- You want to hear it again?
- "It was the eve of
Christmas in the home
"of Linden Bane Scrooge.
"There was much
discontent in the land.
"Poverty, war, crime,
plagued old Scrooge,
"and made life unbearable
"for his hapless
clerk, Hubert Cratchet.
(light laughter)
"In spite of this,
"Lyndon Bane Scrooge
and his good wife,
"Ladybird Scrooge,
went to bed that evening
"after a sumptuous Christmas
repast of chili and chitlins,
"believing all was well.
"As he slept the dreamless
sleep of the innocent,
"little did Lyndon
Bane Scrooge know,
"that he was soon to be
visited by three ghosts."
(ghostly wailing) (whimpering)
- Ladybird!
- Mm hmm.
- I think you should'a
gone easier on that chili.
(laughter) I thought
I heard the voice
of Douglas Fairbanks
Junior in the White House.
(laughter)
- I just love him!
- I now you do sweetheart.
(sighing)
- Oh!
- Lyndon Banes Scrooge!
- Who is that?
- Bobby Baker,
you can't forget me!
I'm the ghost of Christmas past.
(laughter)
- Christmas past?
What about the present?
(shushing)
- Don't mention the present!
(laughter) That's what caused
all the trouble
in the first place.
(laughter)
(ghostly moaning and wailing)
(laughter)
- Oh, who is there now?
- I am the ghost of
Christmas present.
Abe Fortess.
I want to see Lyndon
Bane Scrooge.
- Do you have an
appointment Abe?
- You promised me
one, but I never got it.
(laughter)
There go the judge,
there go the judge...
(ghostly moaning)
- Ooo!
Who are you?
- I'm the ghost of Christmas
future, George Hamilton.
(laughter)
- George I told you before,
my daughters have joined
their husbands in holy wedlock.
- Never mind the
girls, I came to tell you
that the war is going badly.
- Then why aren't you
in my armed forces?
- I am in your armed forces.
That's why the war
is going so badly.
(laughter)
"So when Lyndon Bane
Scrooge woke up the next morning,
"he was a changed man.
"He ended the war for all time,
"he restored Hubert
Cratchet to his old job,
"he ended poverty,
and he was re-elected
"for five successive terms."
It's a lovely story.
But we must remember,
(chuckling), it's only a fable.
(laughter)
On the fifth day of Christmas
we're giving everyone
Nine battle axes
Eight knives a'cutting
Seven planes a'bombing
Six monstrous killings
Five plastic tanks
Four new guillotines
Three switchblades
Two new bayonets
And a partridge in
a dungeon (laughter)
- I'm Guy Lombardo,
and when I go,
I'm taking New
Year's Eve with me.
(laughter)
(comically perky music)
- Timberrrrrrrr!
(comical thumping) (laughter)
- Break's at 10, pass it on.
- The break's at 10, pass it on.
- The break's at 10, pass it on.
(flailing and
arguing) (laughter)
8:30!
- That's better.
(laughter)
- Boy is the sultan bugged!
He just found out
that our hospitalization
has no maternity benefits.
(laughter)
(comically perky music)
(gunshot)
(laughter)
(thumping)
(clattering steel)
- What is it, what is it?
- I think it's... Yeah, it's...
(clattering steel)
I've got rhythm,
(laughter)
- [Both] I've got music...
(laughter) Yeah, I
got (drowned out)
who could ask for anything more!
(laughter) Oh yeah!
(comical scat and Jazz)
Bop bada bop di dah
Buda bop bop bah da
dah Bop bada bop di dah
Buda bop bop bahda di dah
Badah dah, bah bah di
bha Badah Yabi di bah
(laughter)
Bop bada bop di dah
Buda bop bop bah da dah
Bop bada bop di dah
Buda bop bop bahda
di dah Badah Yabi di dah
Bup bah Yabi di dah
Badump bah (laughter)
- Kiss me goodbye.
- Just send me a
kiss through the bars.
Mmm, oh... Ooo you bit my lip.
- It's my plate.
- Oh pretty... (laughter)
- Well I'll see you again
next Thursday, uh hmm?
- Oh no I can't
make it Thursday!
- Why?
- No, that's the day our
debating class meets.
(laughter) I'm
taking the affirmative,
that the pen is
mightier than the sword.
(laughter)
- Oh you!
- You don't have to come back
at all as a matter of fact!
- Behold the star in the east,
which we must follow,
oh fellow wise men.
- Okay, you three guys go
ahead and follow that star.
I hate to travel
over the holidays.
(laughter)
(snapping cord)
- Hello, I'm your
talking Judy doll.
My parts are interchangeable.
But touch my little
body, and I'll hit you.
(laughter)
Twice.
(outrageously
perky Laugh-in jingle)
- Goodies.
(laughter)
(snapping cord)
- Hello, I'm your Judy doll.
I believe in equality.
I live on the same shelf
as a Raggedy Anne.
She's going to have
a baby you know.
(laughter)
- Only 34,239
commercials until Christmas.
(laughter)
Only 34,235 commercials
until Christmas.
(laughter)
(frantically energetic music)
- Here's an idea.
Next round of peace
talks have Averell Harriman
dress up as Santa Claus.
Think about it.
(laughter) (frantically
energetic music)
- If Japan had won World War II,
California would have a
better actor as its governor,
Sessue Hayakawa.
(laughter) (frantically
energetic music)
- Berkeley's found a way
to keep sex off the campus.
They run the
sprinklers all night.
(laughter) (frantically
energetic music)
- You know I understand
they caught an industrial spy
in the company that
manufacturers the M16 rifle.
They sentenced him to be
shot, but the gun jammed.
(laughter) (frantically
energetic music)
- I don't know if I told you,
but I spend every
winter in a nudist camp.
But we were allowed to
wear boots, and earmuffs.
You know it's really
amazing how many places
you can wear earmuffs.
(laughter) (frantically
energetic music)
- However liberal
the Church becomes,
I seriously doubt the Pope
will allow cheerleaders in
the College of Cardinals.
(laughter) (frantically
energetic music)
- I tried to enter the
Miss America Contest.
They not only rejected me,
they threatened to take
away my citizenship.
(laughter) (frantically
energetic music)
- You know if Averell
Harriman looked at the war
through Ho Chi Minh's eyes,
he'd get a different
slant on things.
(laughter) (frantically
energetic music)
- You know my boyfriend's
teaching me to body surf.
Next week we're
gonna try it at the beach.
(laughter) (frantically
energetic music)
- Goldie, Goldie, have
you seen Rachel, Rachel?
- Uh, yes I did yes I did!
(laughter) (frantically
energetic music)
- Here in America you
have poverty program
only for the poor and reliefed.
In my country poverty
program for everybody.
Nobody gets relief.
(laughter) (frantically
energetic music)
- Are you opposed
to sex and violence?
- Well, yes and no.
(laughter) (frantically
energetic music)
- Now I agree that all
negroes are created equal,
to each other.
(laughter) (frantically
energetic music)
- Scientists say
that heavy smokers
are less appetizing
to man-eating sharks.
Hmm, but I refuse
to give up smoking
just to please a fish.
(laughter) (frantically
energetic music)
(applause)
- A lot of people don't
realize the Barbara
is also a master of disguises.
Aren't you dear?
- [Barbara] You bet
your sweet bippy!
(laughter)
- May I suggest
that you look that up
in your Funk and Wagnalls?
(laughter)
(comically perky music)
(comical thumping)
(slide whistling)
(clattering metal) (laughter)
- Timberrrr!
(splashing)
(laughter)
- All right now.
- Yep.
- All right.
- Once again, it's time
for the Flying Fickle
Finger of Fate Award.
- That's right, when
each week we honor
an individual or a group
for outstanding achievement.
May I have the
envelope please, Goldie?
Thank you.
- Oh.
Ho ho ho (giggling)!
(laughter)
- Merry Christmas Goldie.
Tonight the Flying
Fickle Finger of Fate
goes to the toy
manufacturers of America,
who, through the
medium of television,
have introduced new phrases
into the American language.
- "But the man on TV
said I had to have one."
- Or, "But dad
it's only $39.95!"
- Or, "Mom you can't have a doll
"without all the wonderful
outfits that go with it!"
- That's a good one.
And that great
expression every parent
will hear on Christmas morning,
"But Dad it doesn't work
like it did on television!"
(laughter)
- So to you, toy
manufacturers of America,
we'd really like
to give it to you.
- That's right,
and incidentally,
this particular model
of the Fickle Finger
comes with a
built-in airplane motor
and on Christmas morning,
toy makers of America,
the Fickle Finger of Fate
will be flying right towards you!
(laughter)
- Uh, we forgot to mention
the batteries are extra.
(laughter)
- Just think, if Martin
Landau and Barbara Bain
adopted Arte Johnson he'd
be Landau Bain's Johnson.
(laughter)
- Very interesting,
but it's stupid.
(laughter)
You are beautiful you know,
but boy you're stupid.
(laughter)
(jingling bells)
- Well my dear,
once again it's time for me
to ride on my faithful reindeer,
climb aboard my trusty sleigh,
and spread joy and
happiness throughout the world.
- Huh fine, Sant.
On your way out would
you take the garbage?
(laughter)
- You know if you're gonna
have to trust somebody,
I'm your attorney.
The only way I can help
you is if you tell me the truth.
Now you're going
to have to trust me.
Tell me the truth!
Did you do it?
- Okay, okay, I did it.
- Hey guard!
He did it, he did it!
(laughter)
(laughter)
- Before you used to stuff
a walnetto, you gotta take
the wrapper off first.
Da dum, da dum...
(apprehensive music)
Want to kiss me at the
New Year's Eve party?
(thumping)
(laughter)
Would you like to kiss
me at the Christmas party?
(thumping)
(laughter)
Like to kiss me here
and make it well?
(laughter)
I'm goin' to the teeter-totter.
(laughter)
- Doris Day would
never say that.
(laughter)
Come to think of it, she
wouldn't even know what it means.
(laughter)
Five foot two, eyes of blue
Don't you just love short men?
(laughter)
Henryyyyy!
Where are ya' darling?
(laughter)
(coughing)
- Oh would you cover your
mouth when you cough?
(laughter)
The last time you were in here
you infected the whole prison.
- Shhh! (laughter)
- I think you're a
carrier, sweetheart.
(laughter)
- Here's the file I promised ya!
- Oh, thanks dear but what I
really need was polish remover.
(laughter)
- What are you so happy about?
- I've just been made
concubine of the week!
(laughter) (giggling)
- And I want a big ruby ring,
I want a nice ruby
ring, and a yacht,
and an aeroplane, I want
of course a swimming pool,
and a private island
in the Mediterranean.
- Oh I'm sorry little girl,
but there was another
little girl here recently,
and I gave her the
last Greek I had.
(laughter)
- Timberrrr!
(laughter)
(comically perky music)
(laughter)
- Timberrrr!
(clunking) (laughter)
(snapping cord)
- Hello, I'm your
talking Judy doll.
Let's go out and
play big girl's games.
- My dear doll, blow in my ear
and I'll follow you anywhere.
- All right, but don't
touch my little body.
(laughter)
(outrageously
perky Laugh-in jingle)
- Fruitcake.
(laughter)
- I can't eat this slop.
- I can't eat this slop.
- I can't eat this slop!
- Hey guys.
I got an idea.
Why don't we go out for dinner?
(laughter) (yelling)
- How do you feel, Master?
- Oh, kumm see, kumm sah.
- [Two Girls] You called us?
(laughter)
(jingling bells)
- Oh I'd like a complete
course about the
Murray Two-Step lessons,
and a six-foot blond
Adonis, with bad eyes.
(laughter)
- Would you
settle for a little elf?
(laughter) - Oh...
(thumping) (laughter)
- Timberrrr!
(cartoonish bonking)
(laughter) (cartoonish bonking)
(comically perky music)
(laughter)
(exotic flute music)
- Behold the star in the east,
which we must follow,
oh fellow wise men.
- Okay, but first,
you guys go ahead
and stand over
there, by those dunes.
I want to take a picture of you,
it'll make a great
Christmas card.
(laughter)
- And now back to Kay Kaiser,
high atop the college
of musical knowledge,
where Margot Lane, and
the ethereal Lamont Cranston
answer the musical
question, me and my shadow.
- Actually I came
here to inspect the
Burbank National Guard,
but tonight is his bowling night.
- You know it's been
a tough week Dick,
and I hope you're
gonna get home tonight,
and get yourself
a little bit of rest.
- Can't do that, I got a
date with a blonde lady.
- A date with a blonde lady?
Don't you ever think
about of anything else?
- Mmm, sometimes I
think about brunettes?
(laughter)
- I'm talking about
the future, did you
ever think of about
putting away
something for tomorrow?
- Well, I got a little
red head in Pasadena.
(laughter)
- No I'm talking
about investments.
- That's funny, so am I!
(laughter)
- Yeah?
- You know, she
invested in a company
that installs plumbing
in the North Pole.
(light laughter)
- I kind of hate to be the
one to break this to you,
but the North Pole is solid ice.
- Yeah but one hot spell
and we're really in business.
(laughter)
- Why don't you invest
in something stable?
- Well I bought a race horse.
- A race horse...
- Already, a stable race horse
already entered him in
the 500, at the Indianapolis.
(laughter)
- The Indianapolis 500 is
for racing cars you dingaling.
They go over 150 miles an hour.
- Well, he'll know
he's been in a race.
(laughter)
- Why don't you just drop all
these hare-brained schemes
and get involved with
something you know about?
- That kind of brings
us back to the blondes,
brunettes and red
heads doesn't it?
(laughter)
- Yes, I guess it does.
It also brings us to potpourri.
- Whatever turns you on.
(laughter)
(clattering swords)
- You'll never take
me and the princess
alive, Count Fantossy!
(light laughter)
Wait, no use both
of us getting killed.
Here you take this
tender young flower
and do what you must.
- Get away from me sir!
(laughter)
- Hellooooo!
I predict by 1972, the
electoral college system
as we now know
it will be abolished.
The President will
be elected solely
by the results of
the Gallop Poll.
(laughter)
I further predict, the
winner of the election will be
George Gallop.
(laughter)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
in keeping with our
program of education on TV,
we now offer a better
understanding of Scotland.
Mary Queen of Scots, who were
your country's greatest kings?
- Here we have King
Richard the Fourth of Scots.
And here we have King
Henry the Sixth of Scots.
- Well, what about the middle?
- Oh, oh good heavens,
nobody leave the room!
There's a whole
fifth of Scots missing!
(laughter) Oh!
- I tell ya' Whacker,
you know about that, uh,
new factory of ours down in
Texas that's fully automated?
- What about it?
- Well, it's finally
started producing today.
- Uh huh.
- Here's the first unit.
- Great.
What does it do?
- Well nobody seemed to
know so we plugged it in,
turned it on, it built
another factory.
(laughter)
(apprehensive music)
- This old man, he played one,
he played knik-knak on his drum.
- Wanna play
knik-knak on my drum?
(laughter)
(thumping) (laughter)
I think I offended her.
(laughter)
(comical music)
- I Saw a Little Birdy,
by Henry Gibson.
"I saw a little birdy
go hop-hop-hop.
"And I said 'Little birdy,
won't you stop-stop-stop?,
"'oh birdy please
stop, stop your hopping,
"'stop your hopping,
' but he wouldn't."
(laughter)
- This is the full-fashion
Persian lamb,
with a river otter collar,
it has a raglan sleeve,
and is as tasteful for
evening as for day wear.
And it's only $500.
- Hmm, well it's nice.
Do you like it dear?
- Mmm, yes, very very smart.
- Fine, we'll take it.
(laughter)
- It's you, it's you,
every bit of it...
(laughter)
(mock serious music)
- Spying hint number
281 (giggling).
When, (giggling), when
stealing state secrets
from the Kremlin, always
take the ones on the top.
They're fresher.
I don't get it. (laughter)
(lounge piano music) I
can smile, at adversityyyy
Give vent to my wrath
'Cause wherever I go
I will always really know
Burbank's at the end
of my path (laughter)
(applause)
- For our next election we're
going to play Crazy Otto.
- Wrong?
Wrong, wrong, wrong,
wrong. (laughter)
Wrong! (laughter)
- Now remember my dear,
you are a responsible adult.
Try not to be so giddy,
and curb your impulses.
Take on an attitude of maturity,
and I'm sure you'll
be all the happier for it.
- Oh, thank you doctor.
You've been such a help to me.
- Ah, that's what I'm here for.
Good luck my dear.
- Thank you.
(hissing air) (laughter)
(comically perky "Flight
of the Bumble Bee" music)
(comical boinging) (laughter)
(outrageously
perky Laugh-in jingle)
- Blitzen. (laughter)
(poorly played violin music)
- You know I was walking
down the hall here at NBC
on the way to my own show,
when I heard a quarter
drop in this studio.
And the next thing I
know I'm on camera
yelling "Sock it to
me, sock it to me!"
(laughter)
(screechy violin)
I still haven't
found that quarter.
(laughter)
- Hello.
Fellow consumers of America,
it is my very great pleasure
to announce there will be
no Sock-it-to-me time tonight.
We figured what with
Christmas coming up and all,
most of us are getting it
socked to us pretty good already.
(poorly played violin music)
- Mr. Benny, are you really as
cheap as people say you are?
- No, of course not.
- Well, could I have back
that quarter I dropped?
(laughter) (screechy violin)
- Tonight Rowan and
Martin's Laugh-In salutes
the spirit of Christmas.
- Ah it's a great time
of year to do that.
- It sure is.
- It'll sure look strange
seeing a Christmas
show on spring reruns.
- Well never mind about
that, it's just the whole point.
Christmas shouldn't
just be in December
but it should be all year long.
- Wow, we couldn't afford that!
- Well, uh you see
too many people forget
what Christmas
spirit is really all about.
- Oh tell me
about it, won't you?
(laughter)
- I fully intend to.
- I thought you would.
- Yes.
Now, it all started in a
little town in Bethlehem...
(snoring)
(laughter) It all started in
a little town in Bethlehem!
- The little town of Bethlehem,
uh, good name for a song.
- Yeah, all right, now
many years ago the world
was troubled with
many pressing problems.
- Well no wonder, they
didn't have drip-dry suits then.
(laughter)
- Now this is serious, Dick,
people were
rioting in the streets,
there was civil
disorder, injustice,
oppression of minority groups.
- Well I'm certainly glad
they cleared all that up.
(laughter)
- Dick this is serious.
Now what does
Christmas mean to you?
- Christmas means
to me many things,
decorating the Christmas
tree with popcorn,
going around the neighborhood
singing Christmas carols,
tiny little tots with
their face all aglow.
- Boy that's beautiful.
And that's what
Christmas means to you?
- No that's what Christmas
means to the cuckoo
holding my cue card.
(laughter)
To me it means...
- I don't want to hear about it.
- Well wait a minute,
you asked me!
It means cuddling up
in front of a fireplace
with a nice lady
with a stereo playing,
waiting for that fat old man
with the rosy cheeks
to drop in on us.
- Oh you're waiting for Santa!
- No her old man... (laughter)
Christmas or not if she
isn't in for bed check by 10:30
he comes looking
for her. (laughter)
- I don't want to hear about it.
- And he ain't gonna
ho-ho-ho either.
- All right... (laughter)
With that merry look at
Dick and his Christmas party,
Laugh-In takes a look
at the Christmas spirit.
- Well you asked.
- Well you shouldn't...
(laughter)
("Jingle Bells")
- I'm dreaming of
a white Christmas.
If you're listening
Stokely, it's only a job.
(laughter)
("Jingle Bells")
- The General Assembly
of the United Nations
will please come to order.
Uh, before we take
up today's business,
I would like to pause a
moment to extend to all of you,
my greetings in this season
of peace and brotherhood
which fills all our hearts.
Now, to the business at hand.
Which war do you
want to start with?
(laughter)
("Jingle Bells")
- Dave, will you hurry
up, we'll be late for church!
- W-w wait a minute, I'm
looking up the address.
- Sssh, what a brain, we
were just there last Easter.
(laughter)
("Jingle Bells")
- This year's midnight
service will be moved up to
10PM due to the special
Christmas Eve showing
of Gidget Meets Godzilla.
(laughter)
("Jingle Bells")
- Gentlemen Acme
Toys is at the crossroads.
Simpson here, our Secretary
of War Toys, will brief you.
Simpson? (light laughter)
- Gentlemen, the
situation is critical.
G2 has just confiscated
the newest weapon
from the enemy line.
Ajax Toys has a fully
automatic sidearm
that fires miniature
gas pellets.
- This means they've
crossed the $50 parallel!
- That's against all the rules
of the Seventh
Avenue Convention!
(light laughter)
- I say we escalate
and launch an
all-out offensive now!
We've got to develop the
ultimate toy before they do!
- Wait!
Why don't we pull out
of war toys completely,
and go back to the
Winnie the Pooh doll?
- Oh don't be a
dummy, Pantzwhacker!
If we don't stop them
now, we'll be fighting them
in the basement of
Macy's. (light laughter)
(ringing telephone)
- Hold it, hold it.
Hello?
What!
Why that's a disaster!
They'll put us out of business!
Well can you believe this, a
bunch of peacenik mothers
just threw themselves over
the tinker-tank assembly line.
As of now we're out of business.
- What's wrong with
those women anyway?
Don't they have
the Christmas spirit?
(laughter)
("Jingle Bells")
- I'm all choked up.
That really gives
me the old spirit.
- Yep, you know what would
make this a perfect Christmas?
- What's that?
- Keep Bob Hope in Hollywood
and let the troops visit him.
(applause)
- I'm with you.
("Jingle Bells")
(laughter)
(creaking)
(comical boinging)
(jingling bells)
- Every year the same problem.
What do you get
for Howard Hughes?
(laughter)
- Behold the star in the east,
which we must follow,
oh fellow wise men.
- Okay, you three guys go ahead,
and I'll follow along
later in the station wagon.
(laughter)
(snapping cord)
- Hello, I'm your Judy doll.
Never put me in
the washing machine
with GI Joe again, please.
(laughter)
- How come you don't do
the belly dance anymore?
- Oh I just don't have the
stomach for it anymore.
(giggling) (laughter)
- Well Lefty, I've got
some good news for you,
and I've got some bad news.
First of all, your
appeal has been denied.
It looks like the
execution is, uh,
going to go off as scheduled,
you go to the chair
next Friday morning.
Now for the bad news.
(laughter)
- I've often
wondered, is it proper
to send a Get Well card
to a Christian scientist?
(laughter)
(outrageously
perky Laugh-in jingle)
- Cringle.
- Well that's our
show for tonight, Dick.
- Hmm.
- Is there anything you'd
like to add?
- Well I'd just like to
wish all of our viewers
and friends all over the world
a very happy and joyous Easter.
(laughter)
- I'll drink to that!
(laughter)
- Happy Easter, Dick!
- Happy Easter, Dick!
- Happy Easter, Dick! (laughter)
- [Both] Who's Easter?
- Now, it is the Christmas
season, be very charitable of you
not to interrupt, this has been
our Christmas show and...
- I'm not going
to interrupt you,
I just thought perhaps, on
the off chance you might like
to hear what my
aunt's had to say.
- Yes, she was in another
terrible situation I suppose?
- Disasterous!
- Oh my word,
tell me about it won't you.
- Well you see she
was a chimney sweep.
- She was a chimney
sweep, your aunt was?
- So was my aunt!
- No kidding?
What happened to this
chimney-sweeping aunt?
- Well she and Santa
Claus got hopelessly wedged
one Christmas Eve in a chim-iny.
- In a chim-iny, I suppose
that could happen.
- And she was there a long time.
- And what did she say?
- I thought perhaps what
she said when she came out,
hoo hoo hoo!
- I already asked you,
what did she say?
- Oh, well if you're
ever hopelessly wedged,
- Yeah.
- In a chimney,
on a Christmas Eve, - Yeah.
With Santa Clause, - Yes.
And it looks like
the two of you,
- Uh hmm.
- Are gonna be wedged
there a long time, - Yes.
- Just sing.
- Oh I can't wait to hear it.
Have yourself a
merry little Christmas
- That's what the show
needs, more sentiment.
- Say goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight!
(comical music) (applause)
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Nanook.
- Nanook who?
- Nanook blow (speaking
foreign language).
(arguing) (laughter)
- What did Benedict
Arnold's wife
say to him every morning?
- Eggs, Benedict?
(laughter)
- No no, she said
"Good morning Arnold,
how would you like
"your eggs, Benedict?"
(laughter)
(speaking foreign language)
- Hey I hear it got so
bad in Central Park
the police added extra police.
- Yeah, the muggers
added extra muggers.
(laughter)
- In London right now the
pigeons are mugging the squirrels.
- That's terrible. (laughter)
- But seriously folks, I've
got the world's easiest job.
- What's that?
- President of the
Tijuana Legion of Decency.
(laughter)
- I used to be a
chiropractor in Tijuana.
- Oh you're pulling my
Legioncy of Decency.
(laughter)
- Hey, Goldie!
- Yes?
- Now repeat after me.
- After me, after me, after me.
(laughter) (speaking
foreign language)
- Did you know that
in the Bombay Hilton,
every room has a Gideon Koran?
- That's nothing
there's a Burbank Hilton
every room has a sandbox.
Sandbox! (laughter)
(people yelling sandbox)
(shouted foreign language)
- If I hijacked a plane to Cuba,
what would I be charged with?
- You'd be charged
with a round-trip fare.
- Danny!
- Yeah?
- I just saw Rosemary's
Baby the other night.
- The devil you say?
- Yeah a cute one.
(laughter)
- What would you do if
you found a lost jackass?
- I'd call Curtis LeMay.
- Why?
- To find out if he's home.
(laughter)
- Say Henry!
- Yo!
- You know it's awful,
my uncle is a town drunk.
- That's not so bad.
- Oh yes it is, he
lives in New York City.
(laughter)
- In a sandbox?
- No!
(laughter)
- [Wife] I'm out here honey!
I found a way to get you out.
(crashing and crackling)
(laughter)
- Well, there goes my privacy.
(laughter)
(laughter)
- Timberrrr!
(slide whistling)
(motor revving)
(crashing)
(laughter)
- The show was pre-recorded,
in order to give the
cast fruitcake time to rise.
(laughter)
- Very interesting,
and don't forget to
tune in July Fourth,
for our Christmas show!
Good night Lucy, and
merry Christmas to you,
Matt Dillon, and the Avenger,
and all of you lovely
people in Peyton Place.
Everybody loves
somebody sometime
(laughter)
Happy happy!
(children giggling)
(children giggling and clapping)
- [Announcer] The
following program
is brought to you in
living color, on NBC.
(poorly performed violin music)
- You know actually, I
love this show so much,
I just dropped by to
treat the cast to dinner.
- Come on Spendo.
The line is gone at the
sandwich machine now.
(laughter)
(poorly performed violin music)
(jingling sleigh
bells) (lively music)
- Boy if there's one time
of the year I really
hate, it's now.
(laughter)
- Next thing is,
we must make this year's
Ladies Liberal Christmas party
the most successful in history.
But everyone must pitch
in to make it just that.
- Uh huh, and in keeping
with our liberal tradition,
now I suggest we
make it cooperative.
I'll bring the salad.
- I'll bring the cold cuts.
- I'll bring the ice tea.
- And I'll bring the negro.
(laughter)
- Mr. Fairbanks your
right profile is your best,
so try and remember
to keep that profile
to the camera if
you will please.
Faversham, your
left profile is your best.
Keep that profile turned
to the camera please.
- Good thinking.
- All right, gentlemen.
Okay, action!
(clattering swords) (laughter)
(rattling cup)
- Hey guard come here!
Hey guard come here! (rattling)
- What do you want, Lefty?
- I want a new cup,
this one's dented.
(laughter)
- Yeah, there we go,
Charlie on the town.
Can't spend one Christmas
Eve with your own family, huh?
Well, (laughing), sure Charlie.
Who do you think
you are, Bob Hope?
(laughter)
- Behold my son, some
day all of this will be yours.
If you only give
up that nonsense
about hair dressing school,
oy vey! (laughter)
(lively comical music)
(thumping) (laughter)
(lively comical music)
- Timberrr!
(cracking)
(laughter)
(snapping cord)
- Hello, I'm your Judy doll.
Pull my string and I talk.
Touch my little
body, and I hit you!
(laughter)
- So, Count Fantossy!
- Mmm!
- You sold me a
castle that collapsed,
a drawbridge that broke,
a tower that crumbled.
En Garde!
See, come to think of
it you sold me this too!
(laughter)
- Oh I'm really
sorry about that.
(laughter)
- And now, from the blue room
of the Belle Barth
Memorial Showboat,
high atop the Burbank
Municipal utility pole,
NBC is unable to prevent,
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In,
starring Dan Rowan,
(clapping) and Dick Martin.
With guest star
Douglas Fairbanks
Junior! (clapping)
And, Judie Carne!
Arte Johnson! (clapping)
With Ruth Buzzi! (clapping)
Henry Gibson! (clapping)
Goldie Hawn! (clapping)
Dave Maddin! (clapping)
Alan Sues! (clapping)
Sweet Brother Dick
Whittington, and
Jo Anne Worley! (clapping)
And, Chelsea Brown! (clapping)
Jack Riley! (clapping)
Yours truly Gary Owens, and
Morgul, as the friendly Drel.
- Here comes
the big finish folk!
(clapping)
- And now lend an
ear to the lovely strains,
of the lovely Dan Rowan,
and the strained, Dick Martin.
(laughter)
(comically perky
music) (applause)
- Hey uh, I missed seeing you
at the rehearsal this morning.
- Well I had a visit
from my family.
- Oh, your family's in town!
- I didn't know that.
(scattered laughter)
The least they could have
done was call.
- Dick, you...
(laughter) After all it was
a special occasion.
- What special occasion?
- Oh my family's in town.
(laughter)
- You know, I've
never met your family.
- Uh, it's just an
average American family,
mother, father, 2.5 children.
(laughter)
- 2.5 children?
- My half-brother.
- Oh.
(laughter)
- He only works part time.
- Uh huh, you know you
have a pretty weird family.
A half-brother,
an invisible uncle.
What's your father like?
- Oh he likes Chinese food,
the beach, Raquel Welch.
(laughter)
- I mean who do you take after?
- Raquel Welch
mostly. (laughter)
- I'll try just once more.
Do you look more like
your father or your mother?
- Well I'd certainly say so.
(laughter)
- You know, well I'd hope so,
I'd like to meet 'em some time.
Are they here tonight?
- No they're back at
the hotel watching Lucy.
(laughter)
- They're watching Lucy
with a son on this show?
- I didn't know Lucy
had a son on this show!
(laughter)
- I'm gonna forget that,
I just hope to meet
'em some time.
- So do I, you really
got to introduce me.
(laughter)
How about right after the party?
- Yeah, why not?
Won't you join us please?
(applause)
(lively acid-rock music)
- You know Haight-Ashbury
always has the Christmas spirit.
Oh yes, every day of
the week you can see
jolly bearded
guys on the street,
holding a little pot
and going ho ho ho!
(laughter) (lively
jazz-rock music)
- I understand the
South Vietnamese Army
plans to celebrate
the Christmas truce
by visiting the front.
(laughter) (lively
acid-rock music)
- My neighbor's putting
up an aluminum tree
with aerosol snow sprinkled over
a fake fireplace while waiting
for a frozen turkey to thaw.
In Hollywood that's known
as an old-fashioned Christmas.
(laughter)
- I know you!
I know you!
Forten Lewis Junior!
(laughter) (lively
acid-rock music)
- What a pity, most
of the Christmas spirit
one finds these
days is 90-proof.
(laughter) (lively
acid-rock music)
- Good little girls get candy
and toys for Christmas,
but it's the other kind
that get all the real
worthwhile presents!
Laaaaaaaa!
(laughter) (lively
acid-rock music)
- Every Christmas
I ask Santa Claus
to put a goody in my stocking,
Last year it almost worked,
I got a card from Goody!
(laughter) (lively
acid-rock music)
- Now you ain't had
Christmas 'til you've heard
Oh Come All Ye Faithful, sung
around a roaring, Yule cross!
(laughter) (lively
acid-rock music)
- My boyfriend gave
me a mink for Christmas.
The little rascal bit me!
And so did the mink!
(laughter) (lively
acid-rock music)
- What's one big
difference in America,
at the end of the year, the
people plan to throw a party.
In the old country,
the people planned to
overthrow the party!
(laughter) (lively
acid-rock music)
- Dad always makes a
big fuss over Christmas.
Every year his employees
ask for the day off
and Dad makes a big fuss.
(laughter) (lively
acid-rock music)
- Would you like to kiss
me under the mistletoe?
- Well that's a good a
place as any to start.
(laughter) (lively
acid-rock music)
- I think they should
move Christmas to July,
then the stores
aren't so crowded!
(laughter) (lively
jazz-rock music)
- Oh hello! (laughter)
When I was little
kid, I got a little soldier
that worked on batteries.
And this Christmas
I want a Biiiiiig
sailor that works
on a battleship!
(laughter) (lively
jazz-rock music)
- If Scrooge could
see Tiny Tim today
he'd take back that Christmas
goose and cook it himself.
(laughter) (lively
acid-rock music)
(applause)
- I'm a little
pooped tonight girls,
two of you will have to leave.
(laughter)
(comically perky music)
(laughter)
- Hey Jerry.
- What?
- Look at this.
- Hey, where'd you get that?
- I carved it out
of a bar of soap.
- Hey Fred, look
what Lefty made?
- That's the best
soap gun I ever seen.
(laughter)
(snapping cord)
- Hello, I'm your
talking Judy doll.
And I think Chatty
Caddy has a big mouth.
(laughter)
(crunching) (laughter)
- I hate to break
the rhythm folks,
but here's a little
touch of humor.
The news. (laughter)
(comical
mechanically-springy music)
What's the news,
across the nation?
We have got, the information
In a way we hope will amuse, you
We just love, to
give you our views
Da-dum, de-dum
(slurred) Laugh-In
looks at the news
News, news, news News Neeeewwss
(laughter) (applause)
(ratcheting gears)
(squealing)
(laughter)
- We're back!
(laughter)
- And now here's the
news at the present from
the man to whom wouldn't
be the news without the news,
heeeeere's Dicky!
(applause)
(congratulatory music)
- The latest in a
series of highjackings
occurred today in Parma, Ohio,
when a man leaped into
the cab of a garbage truck,
and said, "Turn
this thing around,
"we're going to Warsaw!"
(laughter)
Meanwhile, in Washington
D.C., Senator Dirksen today
poo-pooed rumors
that there had been
another attempt on his wife.
(laughter)
And finally in Hollywood,
perennial favorite
Judy Garland was due
to check into Mount Sinai
Hospital for minor surgery today.
When she failed to appear,
doctors immediately called
Sammy Davis Junior who
filled in for Miss Garland
by having his gall
bladder removed.
(laughter)
Next week Mr. Davis
is appearing at the
Seders of Lebanon
where he will stand in
for Danny Thomas by
having his nose fixed.
(laughter)
And now, take it away Goldie!
(drum roll)
- (giggles) And now (laughter)
here's Dave with
the news of the future.
North, east, south,
(giggles), and west.
And l-l, and left! (laughter)
(giggling)
- Right, and, and right.
(laughter)
- Oh!
Uh, north, east,
south and right!
Oh! (laughter)
Two for flinching!
(laughter)
News of the future,
Detroit, 1988.
Harry B. Whacker, the
world's first frozen man,
was finally thawed out
after 20 years today,
when his wife took him
down to Lake Michigan,
and had him rammed
by a Coast Guard cutter.
(laughter)
Meanwhile, meanwhile
in the Pentagon,
with the induction of another
12,000,000 draftees today,
the United States achieved
the world's fourth
largest standing army,
ranking right behind
China, Cuba, and Chicago.
(laughter)
Saigon 1988, 20 years from
now, the South Vietnamese Army
finally went into combat today,
when they launched
a massive offensive
against the United States
Fifth Marine Brigade,
which was trying
to leave for home.
(laughter)
- Now for news of the past,
we take you back 2000
years to somewhere
in the deserts of the East.
(exotic flute music)
- Behold the star in the east,
which we must follow,
fellow Wise Men.
- Okay, you three guys go
ahead and follow that star,
I'm gonna spend Christmas
Eve with my family.
(laughter)
- And now all you sports nuts,
here comes Laugh-In's
own sports nut,
Alan Sues, in the Alan
Sues Sports Scene.
(laughter) Scene.
(laughter) (enthusiastic music)
- Hi!
Big Al here.
(ringing)
Featurette. (ringing
and laughter)
A few words to our oodles
and oodles of boar hunting fans.
(light laughter) I'll
never understand
why you go out year after year
struggling through the brush,
tearing your stockings
and getting all upset,
(laughter) looking for a boar,
when you can find one
at any cocktail party.
(laughter)
Dull, dull, oh...
(ringing)
Oh, bore... (laughter)
- Well that's it for
the news for tonight.
- It is?
- Yeah, what did I
forget something?
- Why what'd you forget?
- Well I didn't think
like I forgot anything,
you sounded like you
wanted to add something.
- Oh I did!
- Okay.
- Don't forget to do
your Christmas
shopping early this year.
(laughter)
- You're very helpful.
- He certainly is.
(laughter)
(outrageously
perky Laugh-in jingle)
- Mistletoe.
(laughter)
- Item.
Today in the beautiful
downtown Burbank Hospital,
doctors performed
the world's first
successful wart transplant.
(laughter)
- Good evening, my
name is Martin Landau.
- Hmmm.
So that's what
you really look like.
(laughter)
- Hey Lefty.
Look at this spoon.
- Hey, jeez,
where'd you get that?
- I carved it out of a knife.
(laughter)
- You're not really
bright, are you?
- No I'm dumb.
(laughter)
- We've got to stop
meeting like this, I think the
sultan's getting suspicious.
(laughter)
- You know, Sant.
I still prefer the old
fashioned Christmas.
- Yeah, when Tiny Tim said
"God bless us everyone!"
Instead of "Tip-toe
through your tulips."
(laughter)
(comically perky music)
(laughter)
- Timberrr!
(whistling whoosh)
(laughter)
(snapping cord)
- Hello, I'm your
talking Judy doll.
Why don't Ken and Barbie talk?
Maybe they're too
busy with other things.
(ratcheting gear)
Things, things, th...
(laughter)
- We're going to have na...
(scattered laughter)
(astonished laughter
and guffawing)
- Yes Virginia, there
is a Santa Claus.
(raucous laughter)
Forget about me Dick,
I'm no good for you!
(laughter)
(lighthearted jingly music)
Here's Nicon the
elf, all by himself
Make most of the toys
kids want on their shelves
We're spreading our
cheer and you'll find joyyyyy
With toys that
will self-destroyyyy
We're making little
toys for Christmas
For all the little
girls and boys
We're making pretty
plastic cannons
That really make a lot of noise
Boom (giggling)! (toy explosion)
We're making tiny tanks
and pistols, and shiny
little rockets toooo
'Cause kiddies just adore
These toys for making war
The same as me and you
Make a really painful (slurred)
We make a really mean cross-bow
We've got some
really deadly missiles
To shoot beneath the mistletoe
You gotta have a killer robot
To decorate your
Christmas treeeee
Let's make each lad and lass
Think weapons are a gas
The same as you and me
We ought to try to get along now
That's something
Santa always said
But making weapons
is his (slurred)
'Cause Santa Claus
is dead (sobbing)
- No he isn't!
He's alive and well
and living in beautiful
downtown Burbank.
(laughter)
- Oh that's neat!
(squealing gleefully)
We're making little
toys for Christmas
'Cause that's what
children really like
And if you want
to make 'em happy
Forget about the skates and fife
We even make a pair of handcuffs
In case you're
causin' too much fuuun
We're (slurred) again
We like the boomarang
The same as all of us
The same as all of uuuuuus.
- Where's Santa?
- Santa who?
(cheering)
(applause)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
in keeping with our
long established custom,
tonight Laugh-In
for the first time
presents Douglas
Fairbanks Junior,
with our traditional reading
of a political Christmas carol,
(laughter) by Charles
Everett Dirksen.
(laughter) I think it's flat.
- You want to hear it again?
- "It was the eve of
Christmas in the home
"of Linden Bane Scrooge.
"There was much
discontent in the land.
"Poverty, war, crime,
plagued old Scrooge,
"and made life unbearable
"for his hapless
clerk, Hubert Cratchet.
(light laughter)
"In spite of this,
"Lyndon Bane Scrooge
and his good wife,
"Ladybird Scrooge,
went to bed that evening
"after a sumptuous Christmas
repast of chili and chitlins,
"believing all was well.
"As he slept the dreamless
sleep of the innocent,
"little did Lyndon
Bane Scrooge know,
"that he was soon to be
visited by three ghosts."
(ghostly wailing) (whimpering)
- Ladybird!
- Mm hmm.
- I think you should'a
gone easier on that chili.
(laughter) I thought
I heard the voice
of Douglas Fairbanks
Junior in the White House.
(laughter)
- I just love him!
- I now you do sweetheart.
(sighing)
- Oh!
- Lyndon Banes Scrooge!
- Who is that?
- Bobby Baker,
you can't forget me!
I'm the ghost of Christmas past.
(laughter)
- Christmas past?
What about the present?
(shushing)
- Don't mention the present!
(laughter) That's what caused
all the trouble
in the first place.
(laughter)
(ghostly moaning and wailing)
(laughter)
- Oh, who is there now?
- I am the ghost of
Christmas present.
Abe Fortess.
I want to see Lyndon
Bane Scrooge.
- Do you have an
appointment Abe?
- You promised me
one, but I never got it.
(laughter)
There go the judge,
there go the judge...
(ghostly moaning)
- Ooo!
Who are you?
- I'm the ghost of Christmas
future, George Hamilton.
(laughter)
- George I told you before,
my daughters have joined
their husbands in holy wedlock.
- Never mind the
girls, I came to tell you
that the war is going badly.
- Then why aren't you
in my armed forces?
- I am in your armed forces.
That's why the war
is going so badly.
(laughter)
"So when Lyndon Bane
Scrooge woke up the next morning,
"he was a changed man.
"He ended the war for all time,
"he restored Hubert
Cratchet to his old job,
"he ended poverty,
and he was re-elected
"for five successive terms."
It's a lovely story.
But we must remember,
(chuckling), it's only a fable.
(laughter)
On the fifth day of Christmas
we're giving everyone
Nine battle axes
Eight knives a'cutting
Seven planes a'bombing
Six monstrous killings
Five plastic tanks
Four new guillotines
Three switchblades
Two new bayonets
And a partridge in
a dungeon (laughter)
- I'm Guy Lombardo,
and when I go,
I'm taking New
Year's Eve with me.
(laughter)
(comically perky music)
- Timberrrrrrrr!
(comical thumping) (laughter)
- Break's at 10, pass it on.
- The break's at 10, pass it on.
- The break's at 10, pass it on.
(flailing and
arguing) (laughter)
8:30!
- That's better.
(laughter)
- Boy is the sultan bugged!
He just found out
that our hospitalization
has no maternity benefits.
(laughter)
(comically perky music)
(gunshot)
(laughter)
(thumping)
(clattering steel)
- What is it, what is it?
- I think it's... Yeah, it's...
(clattering steel)
I've got rhythm,
(laughter)
- [Both] I've got music...
(laughter) Yeah, I
got (drowned out)
who could ask for anything more!
(laughter) Oh yeah!
(comical scat and Jazz)
Bop bada bop di dah
Buda bop bop bah da
dah Bop bada bop di dah
Buda bop bop bahda di dah
Badah dah, bah bah di
bha Badah Yabi di bah
(laughter)
Bop bada bop di dah
Buda bop bop bah da dah
Bop bada bop di dah
Buda bop bop bahda
di dah Badah Yabi di dah
Bup bah Yabi di dah
Badump bah (laughter)
- Kiss me goodbye.
- Just send me a
kiss through the bars.
Mmm, oh... Ooo you bit my lip.
- It's my plate.
- Oh pretty... (laughter)
- Well I'll see you again
next Thursday, uh hmm?
- Oh no I can't
make it Thursday!
- Why?
- No, that's the day our
debating class meets.
(laughter) I'm
taking the affirmative,
that the pen is
mightier than the sword.
(laughter)
- Oh you!
- You don't have to come back
at all as a matter of fact!
- Behold the star in the east,
which we must follow,
oh fellow wise men.
- Okay, you three guys go
ahead and follow that star.
I hate to travel
over the holidays.
(laughter)
(snapping cord)
- Hello, I'm your
talking Judy doll.
My parts are interchangeable.
But touch my little
body, and I'll hit you.
(laughter)
Twice.
(outrageously
perky Laugh-in jingle)
- Goodies.
(laughter)
(snapping cord)
- Hello, I'm your Judy doll.
I believe in equality.
I live on the same shelf
as a Raggedy Anne.
She's going to have
a baby you know.
(laughter)
- Only 34,239
commercials until Christmas.
(laughter)
Only 34,235 commercials
until Christmas.
(laughter)
(frantically energetic music)
- Here's an idea.
Next round of peace
talks have Averell Harriman
dress up as Santa Claus.
Think about it.
(laughter) (frantically
energetic music)
- If Japan had won World War II,
California would have a
better actor as its governor,
Sessue Hayakawa.
(laughter) (frantically
energetic music)
- Berkeley's found a way
to keep sex off the campus.
They run the
sprinklers all night.
(laughter) (frantically
energetic music)
- You know I understand
they caught an industrial spy
in the company that
manufacturers the M16 rifle.
They sentenced him to be
shot, but the gun jammed.
(laughter) (frantically
energetic music)
- I don't know if I told you,
but I spend every
winter in a nudist camp.
But we were allowed to
wear boots, and earmuffs.
You know it's really
amazing how many places
you can wear earmuffs.
(laughter) (frantically
energetic music)
- However liberal
the Church becomes,
I seriously doubt the Pope
will allow cheerleaders in
the College of Cardinals.
(laughter) (frantically
energetic music)
- I tried to enter the
Miss America Contest.
They not only rejected me,
they threatened to take
away my citizenship.
(laughter) (frantically
energetic music)
- You know if Averell
Harriman looked at the war
through Ho Chi Minh's eyes,
he'd get a different
slant on things.
(laughter) (frantically
energetic music)
- You know my boyfriend's
teaching me to body surf.
Next week we're
gonna try it at the beach.
(laughter) (frantically
energetic music)
- Goldie, Goldie, have
you seen Rachel, Rachel?
- Uh, yes I did yes I did!
(laughter) (frantically
energetic music)
- Here in America you
have poverty program
only for the poor and reliefed.
In my country poverty
program for everybody.
Nobody gets relief.
(laughter) (frantically
energetic music)
- Are you opposed
to sex and violence?
- Well, yes and no.
(laughter) (frantically
energetic music)
- Now I agree that all
negroes are created equal,
to each other.
(laughter) (frantically
energetic music)
- Scientists say
that heavy smokers
are less appetizing
to man-eating sharks.
Hmm, but I refuse
to give up smoking
just to please a fish.
(laughter) (frantically
energetic music)
(applause)
- A lot of people don't
realize the Barbara
is also a master of disguises.
Aren't you dear?
- [Barbara] You bet
your sweet bippy!
(laughter)
- May I suggest
that you look that up
in your Funk and Wagnalls?
(laughter)
(comically perky music)
(comical thumping)
(slide whistling)
(clattering metal) (laughter)
- Timberrrr!
(splashing)
(laughter)
- All right now.
- Yep.
- All right.
- Once again, it's time
for the Flying Fickle
Finger of Fate Award.
- That's right, when
each week we honor
an individual or a group
for outstanding achievement.
May I have the
envelope please, Goldie?
Thank you.
- Oh.
Ho ho ho (giggling)!
(laughter)
- Merry Christmas Goldie.
Tonight the Flying
Fickle Finger of Fate
goes to the toy
manufacturers of America,
who, through the
medium of television,
have introduced new phrases
into the American language.
- "But the man on TV
said I had to have one."
- Or, "But dad
it's only $39.95!"
- Or, "Mom you can't have a doll
"without all the wonderful
outfits that go with it!"
- That's a good one.
And that great
expression every parent
will hear on Christmas morning,
"But Dad it doesn't work
like it did on television!"
(laughter)
- So to you, toy
manufacturers of America,
we'd really like
to give it to you.
- That's right,
and incidentally,
this particular model
of the Fickle Finger
comes with a
built-in airplane motor
and on Christmas morning,
toy makers of America,
the Fickle Finger of Fate
will be flying right towards you!
(laughter)
- Uh, we forgot to mention
the batteries are extra.
(laughter)
- Just think, if Martin
Landau and Barbara Bain
adopted Arte Johnson he'd
be Landau Bain's Johnson.
(laughter)
- Very interesting,
but it's stupid.
(laughter)
You are beautiful you know,
but boy you're stupid.
(laughter)
(jingling bells)
- Well my dear,
once again it's time for me
to ride on my faithful reindeer,
climb aboard my trusty sleigh,
and spread joy and
happiness throughout the world.
- Huh fine, Sant.
On your way out would
you take the garbage?
(laughter)
- You know if you're gonna
have to trust somebody,
I'm your attorney.
The only way I can help
you is if you tell me the truth.
Now you're going
to have to trust me.
Tell me the truth!
Did you do it?
- Okay, okay, I did it.
- Hey guard!
He did it, he did it!
(laughter)
(laughter)
- Before you used to stuff
a walnetto, you gotta take
the wrapper off first.
Da dum, da dum...
(apprehensive music)
Want to kiss me at the
New Year's Eve party?
(thumping)
(laughter)
Would you like to kiss
me at the Christmas party?
(thumping)
(laughter)
Like to kiss me here
and make it well?
(laughter)
I'm goin' to the teeter-totter.
(laughter)
- Doris Day would
never say that.
(laughter)
Come to think of it, she
wouldn't even know what it means.
(laughter)
Five foot two, eyes of blue
Don't you just love short men?
(laughter)
Henryyyyy!
Where are ya' darling?
(laughter)
(coughing)
- Oh would you cover your
mouth when you cough?
(laughter)
The last time you were in here
you infected the whole prison.
- Shhh! (laughter)
- I think you're a
carrier, sweetheart.
(laughter)
- Here's the file I promised ya!
- Oh, thanks dear but what I
really need was polish remover.
(laughter)
- What are you so happy about?
- I've just been made
concubine of the week!
(laughter) (giggling)
- And I want a big ruby ring,
I want a nice ruby
ring, and a yacht,
and an aeroplane, I want
of course a swimming pool,
and a private island
in the Mediterranean.
- Oh I'm sorry little girl,
but there was another
little girl here recently,
and I gave her the
last Greek I had.
(laughter)
- Timberrrr!
(laughter)
(comically perky music)
(laughter)
- Timberrrr!
(clunking) (laughter)
(snapping cord)
- Hello, I'm your
talking Judy doll.
Let's go out and
play big girl's games.
- My dear doll, blow in my ear
and I'll follow you anywhere.
- All right, but don't
touch my little body.
(laughter)
(outrageously
perky Laugh-in jingle)
- Fruitcake.
(laughter)
- I can't eat this slop.
- I can't eat this slop.
- I can't eat this slop!
- Hey guys.
I got an idea.
Why don't we go out for dinner?
(laughter) (yelling)
- How do you feel, Master?
- Oh, kumm see, kumm sah.
- [Two Girls] You called us?
(laughter)
(jingling bells)
- Oh I'd like a complete
course about the
Murray Two-Step lessons,
and a six-foot blond
Adonis, with bad eyes.
(laughter)
- Would you
settle for a little elf?
(laughter) - Oh...
(thumping) (laughter)
- Timberrrr!
(cartoonish bonking)
(laughter) (cartoonish bonking)
(comically perky music)
(laughter)
(exotic flute music)
- Behold the star in the east,
which we must follow,
oh fellow wise men.
- Okay, but first,
you guys go ahead
and stand over
there, by those dunes.
I want to take a picture of you,
it'll make a great
Christmas card.
(laughter)
- And now back to Kay Kaiser,
high atop the college
of musical knowledge,
where Margot Lane, and
the ethereal Lamont Cranston
answer the musical
question, me and my shadow.
- Actually I came
here to inspect the
Burbank National Guard,
but tonight is his bowling night.
- You know it's been
a tough week Dick,
and I hope you're
gonna get home tonight,
and get yourself
a little bit of rest.
- Can't do that, I got a
date with a blonde lady.
- A date with a blonde lady?
Don't you ever think
about of anything else?
- Mmm, sometimes I
think about brunettes?
(laughter)
- I'm talking about
the future, did you
ever think of about
putting away
something for tomorrow?
- Well, I got a little
red head in Pasadena.
(laughter)
- No I'm talking
about investments.
- That's funny, so am I!
(laughter)
- Yeah?
- You know, she
invested in a company
that installs plumbing
in the North Pole.
(light laughter)
- I kind of hate to be the
one to break this to you,
but the North Pole is solid ice.
- Yeah but one hot spell
and we're really in business.
(laughter)
- Why don't you invest
in something stable?
- Well I bought a race horse.
- A race horse...
- Already, a stable race horse
already entered him in
the 500, at the Indianapolis.
(laughter)
- The Indianapolis 500 is
for racing cars you dingaling.
They go over 150 miles an hour.
- Well, he'll know
he's been in a race.
(laughter)
- Why don't you just drop all
these hare-brained schemes
and get involved with
something you know about?
- That kind of brings
us back to the blondes,
brunettes and red
heads doesn't it?
(laughter)
- Yes, I guess it does.
It also brings us to potpourri.
- Whatever turns you on.
(laughter)
(clattering swords)
- You'll never take
me and the princess
alive, Count Fantossy!
(light laughter)
Wait, no use both
of us getting killed.
Here you take this
tender young flower
and do what you must.
- Get away from me sir!
(laughter)
- Hellooooo!
I predict by 1972, the
electoral college system
as we now know
it will be abolished.
The President will
be elected solely
by the results of
the Gallop Poll.
(laughter)
I further predict, the
winner of the election will be
George Gallop.
(laughter)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
in keeping with our
program of education on TV,
we now offer a better
understanding of Scotland.
Mary Queen of Scots, who were
your country's greatest kings?
- Here we have King
Richard the Fourth of Scots.
And here we have King
Henry the Sixth of Scots.
- Well, what about the middle?
- Oh, oh good heavens,
nobody leave the room!
There's a whole
fifth of Scots missing!
(laughter) Oh!
- I tell ya' Whacker,
you know about that, uh,
new factory of ours down in
Texas that's fully automated?
- What about it?
- Well, it's finally
started producing today.
- Uh huh.
- Here's the first unit.
- Great.
What does it do?
- Well nobody seemed to
know so we plugged it in,
turned it on, it built
another factory.
(laughter)
(apprehensive music)
- This old man, he played one,
he played knik-knak on his drum.
- Wanna play
knik-knak on my drum?
(laughter)
(thumping) (laughter)
I think I offended her.
(laughter)
(comical music)
- I Saw a Little Birdy,
by Henry Gibson.
"I saw a little birdy
go hop-hop-hop.
"And I said 'Little birdy,
won't you stop-stop-stop?,
"'oh birdy please
stop, stop your hopping,
"'stop your hopping,
' but he wouldn't."
(laughter)
- This is the full-fashion
Persian lamb,
with a river otter collar,
it has a raglan sleeve,
and is as tasteful for
evening as for day wear.
And it's only $500.
- Hmm, well it's nice.
Do you like it dear?
- Mmm, yes, very very smart.
- Fine, we'll take it.
(laughter)
- It's you, it's you,
every bit of it...
(laughter)
(mock serious music)
- Spying hint number
281 (giggling).
When, (giggling), when
stealing state secrets
from the Kremlin, always
take the ones on the top.
They're fresher.
I don't get it. (laughter)
(lounge piano music) I
can smile, at adversityyyy
Give vent to my wrath
'Cause wherever I go
I will always really know
Burbank's at the end
of my path (laughter)
(applause)
- For our next election we're
going to play Crazy Otto.
- Wrong?
Wrong, wrong, wrong,
wrong. (laughter)
Wrong! (laughter)
- Now remember my dear,
you are a responsible adult.
Try not to be so giddy,
and curb your impulses.
Take on an attitude of maturity,
and I'm sure you'll
be all the happier for it.
- Oh, thank you doctor.
You've been such a help to me.
- Ah, that's what I'm here for.
Good luck my dear.
- Thank you.
(hissing air) (laughter)
(comically perky "Flight
of the Bumble Bee" music)
(comical boinging) (laughter)
(outrageously
perky Laugh-in jingle)
- Blitzen. (laughter)
(poorly played violin music)
- You know I was walking
down the hall here at NBC
on the way to my own show,
when I heard a quarter
drop in this studio.
And the next thing I
know I'm on camera
yelling "Sock it to
me, sock it to me!"
(laughter)
(screechy violin)
I still haven't
found that quarter.
(laughter)
- Hello.
Fellow consumers of America,
it is my very great pleasure
to announce there will be
no Sock-it-to-me time tonight.
We figured what with
Christmas coming up and all,
most of us are getting it
socked to us pretty good already.
(poorly played violin music)
- Mr. Benny, are you really as
cheap as people say you are?
- No, of course not.
- Well, could I have back
that quarter I dropped?
(laughter) (screechy violin)
- Tonight Rowan and
Martin's Laugh-In salutes
the spirit of Christmas.
- Ah it's a great time
of year to do that.
- It sure is.
- It'll sure look strange
seeing a Christmas
show on spring reruns.
- Well never mind about
that, it's just the whole point.
Christmas shouldn't
just be in December
but it should be all year long.
- Wow, we couldn't afford that!
- Well, uh you see
too many people forget
what Christmas
spirit is really all about.
- Oh tell me
about it, won't you?
(laughter)
- I fully intend to.
- I thought you would.
- Yes.
Now, it all started in a
little town in Bethlehem...
(snoring)
(laughter) It all started in
a little town in Bethlehem!
- The little town of Bethlehem,
uh, good name for a song.
- Yeah, all right, now
many years ago the world
was troubled with
many pressing problems.
- Well no wonder, they
didn't have drip-dry suits then.
(laughter)
- Now this is serious, Dick,
people were
rioting in the streets,
there was civil
disorder, injustice,
oppression of minority groups.
- Well I'm certainly glad
they cleared all that up.
(laughter)
- Dick this is serious.
Now what does
Christmas mean to you?
- Christmas means
to me many things,
decorating the Christmas
tree with popcorn,
going around the neighborhood
singing Christmas carols,
tiny little tots with
their face all aglow.
- Boy that's beautiful.
And that's what
Christmas means to you?
- No that's what Christmas
means to the cuckoo
holding my cue card.
(laughter)
To me it means...
- I don't want to hear about it.
- Well wait a minute,
you asked me!
It means cuddling up
in front of a fireplace
with a nice lady
with a stereo playing,
waiting for that fat old man
with the rosy cheeks
to drop in on us.
- Oh you're waiting for Santa!
- No her old man... (laughter)
Christmas or not if she
isn't in for bed check by 10:30
he comes looking
for her. (laughter)
- I don't want to hear about it.
- And he ain't gonna
ho-ho-ho either.
- All right... (laughter)
With that merry look at
Dick and his Christmas party,
Laugh-In takes a look
at the Christmas spirit.
- Well you asked.
- Well you shouldn't...
(laughter)
("Jingle Bells")
- I'm dreaming of
a white Christmas.
If you're listening
Stokely, it's only a job.
(laughter)
("Jingle Bells")
- The General Assembly
of the United Nations
will please come to order.
Uh, before we take
up today's business,
I would like to pause a
moment to extend to all of you,
my greetings in this season
of peace and brotherhood
which fills all our hearts.
Now, to the business at hand.
Which war do you
want to start with?
(laughter)
("Jingle Bells")
- Dave, will you hurry
up, we'll be late for church!
- W-w wait a minute, I'm
looking up the address.
- Sssh, what a brain, we
were just there last Easter.
(laughter)
("Jingle Bells")
- This year's midnight
service will be moved up to
10PM due to the special
Christmas Eve showing
of Gidget Meets Godzilla.
(laughter)
("Jingle Bells")
- Gentlemen Acme
Toys is at the crossroads.
Simpson here, our Secretary
of War Toys, will brief you.
Simpson? (light laughter)
- Gentlemen, the
situation is critical.
G2 has just confiscated
the newest weapon
from the enemy line.
Ajax Toys has a fully
automatic sidearm
that fires miniature
gas pellets.
- This means they've
crossed the $50 parallel!
- That's against all the rules
of the Seventh
Avenue Convention!
(light laughter)
- I say we escalate
and launch an
all-out offensive now!
We've got to develop the
ultimate toy before they do!
- Wait!
Why don't we pull out
of war toys completely,
and go back to the
Winnie the Pooh doll?
- Oh don't be a
dummy, Pantzwhacker!
If we don't stop them
now, we'll be fighting them
in the basement of
Macy's. (light laughter)
(ringing telephone)
- Hold it, hold it.
Hello?
What!
Why that's a disaster!
They'll put us out of business!
Well can you believe this, a
bunch of peacenik mothers
just threw themselves over
the tinker-tank assembly line.
As of now we're out of business.
- What's wrong with
those women anyway?
Don't they have
the Christmas spirit?
(laughter)
("Jingle Bells")
- I'm all choked up.
That really gives
me the old spirit.
- Yep, you know what would
make this a perfect Christmas?
- What's that?
- Keep Bob Hope in Hollywood
and let the troops visit him.
(applause)
- I'm with you.
("Jingle Bells")
(laughter)
(creaking)
(comical boinging)
(jingling bells)
- Every year the same problem.
What do you get
for Howard Hughes?
(laughter)
- Behold the star in the east,
which we must follow,
oh fellow wise men.
- Okay, you three guys go ahead,
and I'll follow along
later in the station wagon.
(laughter)
(snapping cord)
- Hello, I'm your Judy doll.
Never put me in
the washing machine
with GI Joe again, please.
(laughter)
- How come you don't do
the belly dance anymore?
- Oh I just don't have the
stomach for it anymore.
(giggling) (laughter)
- Well Lefty, I've got
some good news for you,
and I've got some bad news.
First of all, your
appeal has been denied.
It looks like the
execution is, uh,
going to go off as scheduled,
you go to the chair
next Friday morning.
Now for the bad news.
(laughter)
- I've often
wondered, is it proper
to send a Get Well card
to a Christian scientist?
(laughter)
(outrageously
perky Laugh-in jingle)
- Cringle.
- Well that's our
show for tonight, Dick.
- Hmm.
- Is there anything you'd
like to add?
- Well I'd just like to
wish all of our viewers
and friends all over the world
a very happy and joyous Easter.
(laughter)
- I'll drink to that!
(laughter)
- Happy Easter, Dick!
- Happy Easter, Dick!
- Happy Easter, Dick! (laughter)
- [Both] Who's Easter?
- Now, it is the Christmas
season, be very charitable of you
not to interrupt, this has been
our Christmas show and...
- I'm not going
to interrupt you,
I just thought perhaps, on
the off chance you might like
to hear what my
aunt's had to say.
- Yes, she was in another
terrible situation I suppose?
- Disasterous!
- Oh my word,
tell me about it won't you.
- Well you see she
was a chimney sweep.
- She was a chimney
sweep, your aunt was?
- So was my aunt!
- No kidding?
What happened to this
chimney-sweeping aunt?
- Well she and Santa
Claus got hopelessly wedged
one Christmas Eve in a chim-iny.
- In a chim-iny, I suppose
that could happen.
- And she was there a long time.
- And what did she say?
- I thought perhaps what
she said when she came out,
hoo hoo hoo!
- I already asked you,
what did she say?
- Oh, well if you're
ever hopelessly wedged,
- Yeah.
- In a chimney,
on a Christmas Eve, - Yeah.
With Santa Clause, - Yes.
And it looks like
the two of you,
- Uh hmm.
- Are gonna be wedged
there a long time, - Yes.
- Just sing.
- Oh I can't wait to hear it.
Have yourself a
merry little Christmas
- That's what the show
needs, more sentiment.
- Say goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight!
(comical music) (applause)
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Nanook.
- Nanook who?
- Nanook blow (speaking
foreign language).
(arguing) (laughter)
- What did Benedict
Arnold's wife
say to him every morning?
- Eggs, Benedict?
(laughter)
- No no, she said
"Good morning Arnold,
how would you like
"your eggs, Benedict?"
(laughter)
(speaking foreign language)
- Hey I hear it got so
bad in Central Park
the police added extra police.
- Yeah, the muggers
added extra muggers.
(laughter)
- In London right now the
pigeons are mugging the squirrels.
- That's terrible. (laughter)
- But seriously folks, I've
got the world's easiest job.
- What's that?
- President of the
Tijuana Legion of Decency.
(laughter)
- I used to be a
chiropractor in Tijuana.
- Oh you're pulling my
Legioncy of Decency.
(laughter)
- Hey, Goldie!
- Yes?
- Now repeat after me.
- After me, after me, after me.
(laughter) (speaking
foreign language)
- Did you know that
in the Bombay Hilton,
every room has a Gideon Koran?
- That's nothing
there's a Burbank Hilton
every room has a sandbox.
Sandbox! (laughter)
(people yelling sandbox)
(shouted foreign language)
- If I hijacked a plane to Cuba,
what would I be charged with?
- You'd be charged
with a round-trip fare.
- Danny!
- Yeah?
- I just saw Rosemary's
Baby the other night.
- The devil you say?
- Yeah a cute one.
(laughter)
- What would you do if
you found a lost jackass?
- I'd call Curtis LeMay.
- Why?
- To find out if he's home.
(laughter)
- Say Henry!
- Yo!
- You know it's awful,
my uncle is a town drunk.
- That's not so bad.
- Oh yes it is, he
lives in New York City.
(laughter)
- In a sandbox?
- No!
(laughter)
- [Wife] I'm out here honey!
I found a way to get you out.
(crashing and crackling)
(laughter)
- Well, there goes my privacy.
(laughter)
(laughter)
- Timberrrr!
(slide whistling)
(motor revving)
(crashing)
(laughter)
- The show was pre-recorded,
in order to give the
cast fruitcake time to rise.
(laughter)
- Very interesting,
and don't forget to
tune in July Fourth,
for our Christmas show!
Good night Lucy, and
merry Christmas to you,
Matt Dillon, and the Avenger,
and all of you lovely
people in Peyton Place.
Everybody loves
somebody sometime
(laughter)
Happy happy!
(children giggling)
(children giggling and clapping)