Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 1, Episode 9 - Joey Bishop, Sammy Davis, Jr., Elgin Baylor, Harry Belafonte, Regis Philbin, John Wayne - full transcript
Sketches include Cocktail Party, Sonny and Seal, Paul dummy disaster, Paul Revere, Military News Song, News of the past, present, and future, Leprechaun interview, Undertaker production, ...
- [Announcer] The following
program is brought to you
in living color on NBC.
- And now sports fans,
here we are in the last half
of the ninth inning,
the score is still tied
at seven to three.
- I've shot men
for less than that.
(speaking German)
- We're a little late
folks, good night.
- And now direct from
the recovery room of the
beautiful uptown
Burbank Hospital,
here in beautiful
downtown Burbank,
NBC presents Rowan
and Laugh-ins Martin.
Starring Dan Rowan
and Dick Martin.
With guest stars Joey Bishop,
Pamela Austin and
special guest star,
Sammy Davis Jr.
With Judy Carne, Arte
Johnson and Ruth Buzzi,
Henry Gibson, Goldie
Hawn, Larry Hovis,
Roddy Maude-Roxby,
Joanne Worley,
yours truly, Gary Owens and
Bargle as the friendly drelb.
- Tonight's program
is brought to you by
the folks charming down at from
(70s variety show music)
- And now here he is
ladies and gentlemen,
the one, the only, Dan Rowan.
And in the purple
trunks, Dick Martin.
- So here we go again.
- I can't wait to get started.
- You seem to be in
pretty good spirits tonight.
- I feel good too.
- Oh, well, that's
quite a coincidence.
Why don't I tell ya who's
on the show tonight?
- No, I tell ya what,
why don't you tell me
who's on the show tonight?
- Hey, we'll do it your way.
- All righty.
Kirk Douglas.
- Now, you know Kirk
Douglas isn't here tonight.
- Yeah, but they don't know.
- You mean you would
deliberately mislead these people
to make them watch the show
because Kirk Douglas is on?
- You bet your
sweet bippy, I would.
- I been meaning to
ask you, what's a bippy.
- That's a baby bip.
- Yeah, but what's a bip?
- A big bippy.
- Are you sure?
- You bet your
sweet bippy, I'm sure.
- Well, how would you like
to know who's here tonight?
- I'd rather know who's here.
- All right, for openers,
how about Joey Bishop?
- Joey Bishop?
Happens to be
one of my favorites.
- Yeah he's great, isn't he?
- Ah, he got out of ABC, huh?
- You can't say that.
- Got out of CBS?
- He's not on CBS.
- He's been canceled?
- No, he hasn't been canceled,
show's goin' better than ever.
- Oh.
- Hey, and Pam Austin's here.
- Oh, I love her.
- Oh, she's pretty isn't she?
- I guess so.
- Well she's here.
- Where?
- Right here.
- Yeah?
- Ladies and gentlemen,
Miss Pam Austin.
What's on your mind, honey?
- Well, I have a
trick I'd like to try
on the show tonight.
- All right, if you'd like
to, go ahead and try it.
- Okay, one, two, three.
- Pam?
- Hey.
- Don't go away,
we can work it out.
- That's some
kinda trick, isn't it?
- Where'd she go?
- I dunno.
- Did you like it?
- Hey.
- You had me worried.
- Hey that's great.
- Oh, I'm so happy.
- Hey, can I see it again?
- Mmmhmm, one, two, three.
- That is something.
- Come on back honey.
- Pam!
- That's not Pam.
- What happened?
- Come on.
That's not Pam.
- Well, who is it?
- Do the name Ruby
Begonia strike a familiar note?
(laughing)
- Hey, come on
now, where'd she go?
- I suppose he
went to the party.
- Well, come on,
let's go with her.
- You're invited too.
(60s music)
- Our country would
be much better off
with a strong leader.
- I know, but Sinatra
can't do everything.
- I have nothing
against minorities,
but what happens when
there's more of them
than there is of us?
- I think the award for
best supporting actor
should go to Hubert Humphrey.
- I just wanna take
a second to tell you
I think you're a
very lovely girl.
- Oh I've heard Cary
Grant was much taller.
- I get this terrible fear.
I imagine this huge hairy
brute is gonna overpower me.
My psychiatrist says
this won't happen,
that's when I get
this terrible fear.
- How do you Americans
feel about Cassius Clay?
- Well, some people say,
if Mohammed
won't go to the army,
let the army go to Mohammed.
- I didn't know Dr. Spock
cared about people.
I thought he was only
interested in babies.
- My grandfather's
a sexilgenarian.
- That's amazing at his age.
- Personally, I would
never call Chistian Dior
a man of the cloth.
- Which reminds me of the
tale of the dancing maiden
and the wonderful things
she did with tapioca pudding.
- I know Joey Bishop
isn't your real name,
now what was it
before you changed it?
- Hellen Haze.
- I was in the movie
Bikini Beach Party.
I played a wet blanket.
- I just wanna tell
you, I think you're
a very
lovely girl.
- Oh I thought Walter
Brennan was taller.
- I believe all our religious
leaders have the same
basic goals with the possible
exception of Hugh Hefner.
- I wanted to ask my boyfriend
to see In the Heat of the Night,
but I didn't know how
to phrase the invitation.
- Why do you British
maintain a stiff upper lip?
- There's a definite
feeling of insecurity
about British dentures.
- How do I know you'll still
love me if we get married?
- Baby you know how
I love married ladies.
- The aesthetic enjoyment
of transcendental
meditation brings a
wonderfulness of love and peace
and I can get it
for you for $1.50.
- I'm Sammy Davis Jr.
- Oh no you ain't,
he's much taller.
- I see where a member of
the American Rifle Association
is involved in a paternity suit.
- Son of a gun.
(people chanting sock it to me)
- And now folks, it's
sock it to me time.
- Sock it to me, sock
it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock it to me?
(silly music)
- Prost!
- May I have this dance?
- I suppose you're all
wondering why I asked you here.
- Bird.
- Enough of this
childish horseplay folks,
it's time now for the
Rowan and Martin Report,
when each week
Laugh-in looks at the news,
past, present and future.
What's the news
across the nation
We have got the information
In a way we hope will amuse yous
We just love to
give you our views
La la la la
Ladies and gents,
Laugh-in looks at the news
- [Women] Here's Dan.
- And now here with
the news of the present,
the man to whom the
news wouldn't be the news
without the news, here's Dickie.
- May the good fairy
drop nern in your purg.
Boston Mass,
Fred Fields discovered a new way
to teach the facts
of life to children.
Mr. Fields, a
sky-writer by profession,
revealed all the
details to his son today,
and was immediately
arrested upon landing.
Mr. Fields was previously
arrested for writing the
entire text of Fanny
Hill over New York,
New Jersey, Pennsylvania
and parts of Ohio.
New York City, it
can be reported now,
that at the height of the
recent sanitation strike
in New York City, the head
of the garbage men's union
said, "we wouldn't touch
that stuff with a 10 foot pole."
Edward Manslowski,
a 10 foot Pole,
said he wouldn't
touch it either.
And now, take it away Goldie.
- Laugh-In news of the
past, present and future
now continues to
the news of the past.
That's in the past you know.
Now here's,
um, - Dan.
- Dan.
- 1703, on returning to
Moscow from the honeymoon,
the czar and his bride announced
their immediate separation.
The couple refused to
discuss the honeymoon,
but it was noted
that he referred
to her as Catherine the Great,
while she called
him Ivan the Terrible.
In 1492, as Christopher
Columbus sailed from Genoa
today in search of a new
trade route to the far east,
he said, I don't
care where I wind up,
I'm still not going to enter
the California primary.
Finally, this item
from London, 1948,
20 years ago today.
Field Marshal Montgomery
unveiled a monument in
Piccadilly Circus, dedicated
to the girls who fell there,
in World War II.
- That's about as
funny as an Indian raid.
- The supreme court is
about to rule that gambling
is not a crime.
Tonight the Rowan Martin
Report takes you to the
Supreme Court chambers
where this history decision
will be made.
- My fellow justices,
we are about to reach a
very serious decision
regarding the legality of gambling.
Are you ready?
- [Group] Yes.
- All right then, heads
it's legal, tales it isn't.
- And now it's time for
a Laugh-In news extra.
Take it away somebody.
- Many people suspect
that our news is doctored
in what is called
the national interest.
For a better understanding
of the credibility gap,
we take you to the official
press office in Washington.
- Hey Sam, listen
to this bulletin.
- Yeah.
- An American
destroyer accidentally hit
and sank a Russian fishing
vessel 75 miles off the coast
of Labrador, 15 Russian
fisherman were injured.
- That's a good item.
I think we can do
something with that.
How many Russians
did you say were injured?
- 15.
- 15, Joe, that
could be serious,
we better make it 10 Russians.
- How about five Russians?
- Make it a couple.
- A couple of ours.
- Couple of ours?
- Why not?
- In that case then, we
might as well make it five.
- Make it 10,
- Look, we might as
well then leave it at the
original number, 15,
that way it's original,
nobody will be bugged by it.
- 15 American fisherman injured.
Boy, that's terrible.
- Where uh, where was
this Russian boat anyway?
- 75 miles off the
coast of Labrador.
- Labrador, nobody
knows where that is.
Make it New England.
- 75 miles off the
coast of Massachusetts.
- Good, now round
it out to 50 miles,
'cause I think
that'll read better.
- Maybe even 25.
- Let's not quibble.
Put them a mile off
of Boston Harbor.
- A mile,
one mile.
Boy those are fool
Russians who don't know
they're playing with
dynamite, do they?
- Wait a minute.
- What?
- Just a minute, wouldn't
people see a Russian boat
one mile off shore?
- Sure, somebody would spot it.
- Not if it was a submarine.
- Of course, it had to be a sub.
But tell me, how could an
American destroyer ram a sub?
- It couldn't.
Ya know what?
It's gotta be the
other way around.
Their sub hit our fishing boat.
- Our fishing boat?
- Of course, how else
could 15 American
fishermen be injured?
- Lousy Ruskies!
- How come the
sub didn't see them?
I mean, don't forget,
a sub has a periscope.
- That's right.
An accident like that
just couldn't happen.
- Of course,
you mean it wasn't an accident?
- Of course not.
They did it on purpose.
- Butchers, dirty butchers!
- Read it back to me.
- All right, today a Russian
submarine deliberately
ram and sank a helpless
American fishing boat
one mile off Boston Harbor.
15 American fishermen
are in critical condition.
You know something?
Those Russians must
be out of their minds
to think they can get
away with a thing like this!
- You're right.
Another incident like
this and those maniacs
could start World War III.
That's the news
across the nation
Now you've got the information
Thanks a lot, we
hope it amused yous
We just love to
give you are views
La la la la
Ladies and gents,
Laugh-in looked at the news
- And now folks, here's
our next number, 73.
- This camera takes a
picture in two seconds flat.
- Here come the judge.
Here come the judge.
Here come the judge.
Here come the judge.
- $10 or 30 days.
- Well, judge,
I'll take the $10.
Throw me a kiss
from across the room
Tell me I'm nice when I'm not.
- You're not.
(silly music)
Be my love
- Now that's black power.
(silly music)
- Locks?
- And now folks, it's
sock it to me time.
- The sock it to me
lamp is definitely lit.
- Hey, I got a great idea.
Why not sock it to Joey?
- Sock it to me, sock it to
me, sock it to me, sock it to me
My pleasure.
(silly music)
- May I have this dance?
- My wife, she's very jealous,
take off your clothes quick!
- Here come the judge.
Here come the judge.
Here come the judge.
Here come the judge.
- Why did you stick your
knife into the plaintiff?
- Well, I heard
the police coming,
and I had to hide it somewhere.
(silly music)
- Well folks, here's what
you've all been waiting for.
- You gonna bring
on some nice ladies?
- Oh this is where we
present tomorrow's stars today
on Laugh-in's new talent time.
(off key trumpet fanfare)
- Oh boy, they'd sure
stump 'em on What's My Line.
- Hey, we're gonna
have some fun tonight.
- Soon as the
program's over, huh?
- Oh no, we've got
some great new talent.
- I hope so.
- You know the Nern Hotel in
beautiful downtown Burbank
has been trying to
compete with Las Vegas,
you know, as the
entertainment capital of the west.
- I heard about that.
- Oh, I'm glad you heard that.
Well, anyway, they just
imported an Indian dance troupe
all the way from the far east.
- I heard some people
talking about that.
- What'd they say?
- I don't know, they
were mouthing the,
- Oh, I see, well, we
borrowed this fabulous act
for Laugh-in tonight and
you're gonna like 'em.
- Well, as long as they're
as good as you say,
let's bring 'em on in.
- All right, ladies and
gentlemen, direct from the
Nern Hotel in beautiful
downtown Burbank,
we proudly present the
Maharishi and his maraschinos.
(Indian style music)
- And lest we forget,
those wonderful men in blue
who keep our ships
afloat out there on the sea.
(bells ringing along with music)
- And how about,
(random singing)
- He ought to get travel pay.
- Hehe, that's the
Maharishi there.
- He was busy.
- Well, moving right
along, new talent time,
here's another first.
- I guess so.
- You like this fella?
- It's just one of the
best acts I ever saw.
- Oh you really think so?
Why don't you introduce him?
- Introduce who?
- Chris Beer.
- Who's Chris Beer?
- I thought you said it
was one of the best acts
you ever saw?
- I did.
- And you don't
know what he does?
- Sure but I wanna be surprised.
- Oh, well, you'll be surprised.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the famous French Canadian
step dancer, Mr. Chris Beer.
(playful step music)
- He's something else.
- Do his axes ever slip?
- If they do,
- Would you care to say
exactly what else he uh,
- Well, I don't have time,
because here's our next guest.
- Another goodie?
- Oh this goodie's
been on before.
- Oh? You're kidding.
You're not bringing
back Tiny Tim are you?
- Oh no, no, no.
The ever popular
Mr. Pietro Rosemenko.
- Oh he's the guy
that escaped from
behind the iron curtain.
- The very one.
- Oh yeah, I love him.
- And here he is,
Mr. Pietro Rosemenko.
Good evening Mr. Rosemenko.
Yes, well how about
that ovation, huh?
- Is very exciting.
- Oh they really do
love you on the show.
- Is a pleasure, thank you.
- What're you gonna
do for us tonight?
- Is great honor
for me, a privilege.
I have great feeling in heart,
because I bring from other side,
my identicouple twin brother.
- Your brother,
you brought your,
and he's going to, he's
going to perform with,
- Help for escaping
and this is the first time
he's, he's very nervous.
- Oh, what a
thrill for all of us.
- I know you, you, you,
- We're really
looking forward to it.
Ladies and gentlemen,
new talent is proud to present
the Rosemenko twins.
(whispering in foreign language)
(singing in foreign language)
- The Rosemenko twins?
- Yeah, kinda hard
to believe, isn't it?
- Yeah, one is so much
taller than the other.
- Yeah, that's true.
Well, that about
wraps it up for tonight's
new talent department.
- And if you wanna
vote for your favorite,
just dial operator.
- Oh, you can't tell the
people to dial operator.
- That's the number I
always call in an emergency.
- What's an emergency got
to do with this new talent?
- Well, if I saw these acts,
I'd sure wanna call a cop.
- And now folks, let's
rejoin the Green Hornet
and his faithful servant Tonto.
- Here comes the judge,
here comes the judge,
here comes the judge,
here comes the judge.
Judge, judge.
Judge, judge.
Judge, judge.
- Now Pat, what's
brought you here again?
- Two policemen.
- Drunk as usual?
- Both of them.
- How come I never get dates?
- Maybe it's your,
- Oh ya know, I use
the leading mouth wash,
and nationally famous deodorant.
I'm neat and clean
and I smell great.
- Mary, I must confess,
I don't understand why
you don't get dates.
(people chanting
stronger than dirt)
- Fog.
- My name is Joey Heatherton
and have I got a secret.
- You know, my ancestors
picked so much cotton that
I still hate to open
an aspirin bottle.
- If you're scoring at home,
that was the first
good one tonight.
- I tell you, I just can't win.
Last night, I
dreamed I was white.
And a colored kid beat me up.
- I thought that was funny,
but I laugh at everything.
- Ya know, we're not too
dumb, we move into a block,
and when the values go
down, we buy up all the land
and then move out.
- Here's another one
that won't choke ya up.
- Ya know, they don't make us
sit in the back of
the bus anymore,
because they found out
that most of the accidents
happen in the front.
- What we got here is a
failure to communicate.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Sammy Davis Jr.
- The second half of
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-in
is brought to you by
(70s style variety show music)
- Hickory, dickory dock,
the mouse ran up the clock,
the clock struck,
boy those unions are
getting in everywhere.
- And now folks, it's
sock it to me time.
Ow, that hurt.
- You hit that kid again
and somebody's gonna
answer to me.
- Sock it to me, sock
it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock
it to me, lalalalala.
(silly music)
(glass shattering)
- May I have this dance?
- I know to you, I may look old,
hope this statement
ain't too bold,
but here comes the judge,
here comes the judge,
here comes the judge,
here comes the judge,
here comes the judge,
here comes the judge.
- What are you charged with?
- Stealing apples
off a fruit stand.
- 30 days for
impersonating an officer.
(silly music)
- Awww.
- We interrupt this program
to bring you a special report
from our man in Southeast Asia.
- Thanks Dan.
Well, this has been a
busy week, as you know.
Prince Chow Lai met
General Cam Book Nook,
near Pen Moon Tang to
discuss the cuan chin dang dun
infiltrations at Gung do poo.
(speaking in foreign language)
- And now here is Shep Fields
and his Casa Loma Orchestra
to play the sweetest
music this side of heaven.
(silly music)
- Here comes the judge,
here comes the judge,
here comes the judge,
here comes the judge
here comes the judge.
- The prisoner is
not guilty of theft.
- Does that mean I don't
have to give back the watch?
- Calhoun the lawyer
gonna be here in the morning.
- And now folks, it's
sock it to me time.
- Son of a gun,
they socked it to her.
(silly music)
- May I have this dance?
(fabric ripping)
- Yes, this camera records
exactly what you see
with your eye.
- Here comes the judge.
- Prisoner, have
you anything to offer
in your own behalf?
- No sir, I gave every
cent I had to the jury.
- Tonight, mod mod world
looks at the Olympics.
(60s music)
- Yep, tonight the
subject of mod mod world
is the Olympics.
I bet you're looking forward
to seeing the Olympics, huh?
- I guess every time I
think about the ol' Olympics
I get a bit chill, ya know?
- Oh really, why's that?
- 'Spose you'd like to, ya
know, hear about my uncle
in the Olympics, huh?
- Well, no not really, I didn't,
- He was in the Battle
Creek, Michigan Olympics.
- They never had any Olympics
in Battle Creek, Michigan.
- That's what they'd
like ya to believe.
- Yeah, well, I'm not
interested in your uncle,
I think, - He won
three gold medals.
- I don't want to hear about it.
There're probably,
- For cake baking.
- They don't have cake
baking in the Olympics.
- Yeah? He came in
ahead of Betty Crocker.
- I knew I didn't
want to hear about it.
- The Pillsbury
lady was very upset.
- The Pillsbury lady?
- Woo, she came in right
behind Betty Crocker's buns.
- Yeah, well, moving
right along with the subject
of the Olympics,
- This shows ya that religion
and cooking just don't mix.
- Religion and cooking?
- She was baking an
angel cake at the time.
- Well, we picked
another subject you
don't know anything about,
is that what you're trying
to tell me?
- What do you mean?
- Olympics and sports.
You just don't know
anything about sports.
- You happen to be talking
to a hockey champion.
- You're a hockey champion?
- That's funny, so am I.
- Oh come now.
I'd like to see you
play in hockey.
- Well, as soon as I get
a new ball, I'll show ya.
- You don't play
hockey with a ball.
- That's what they'd
like you to believe.
- Oh no, no, no, you
play hockey with a puck.
- He was our goalie.
- Who?
- Fred Puck.
- Oh come on.
Look in a few months, our
American Olympic team's
going to be visiting the
games in Mexico City,
- I've played a few games
in Mexico City myself.
- That may be so,
- I remember one game I played,
- Yeah, I don't
wanna hear about,
- I met her in a little bar,
- Look, Dick, we don't
have time for you to,
- I will never forget, - Dick,
- The words.
- All right.
- The first words,
and I offered to buy
her another tequila,
- I don't wanna talk about,
- Little tequila with the
sale and the lime, huh?
- All right hold it will ya?
Just a minute, Dick.
- She looked up into my eyes,
and she whispered softly,
- Now come on
Dick, - Come on Dick.
How did you know that?
- I was there.
- I didn't know that.
You had a wig on.
- You wanna know the
big problem in Mexico City?
- Yeah.
- Our athletes are gonna
have a problem down there
because of the altitude.
- Oh?
- Oh sure, the air
is a lot different,
it's very thin air.
- Who wants fat air?
- Oh no, no, no, -
Benny Youngman 1912.
- No, don't you understand?
As a result of that thin air
you have trouble breathing
if you're not used to it.
- I'd be a cinch, I've
been breathing all my life.
- You're gonna have
to prove that to me.
Don't you know anything
at all about sports?
- I happen to be one of
the great skiers of all time.
- Where did you ever ski?
- Why I spent a whole
winter in Switzerland.
- Skiing?
- Oh, I guess so,
every morning, up early,
strap on the old skis and go
out there and hit those alps.
- Yes sir, boy, feel great, huh?
- Exhausted.
- Well, it's tiring, ya know,
skiing down those mountains
all day long.
- Down the mountains?
- Of course down the mountain.
You can't ski up a mountain.
- You can't?
- No, they ski
down the mountain,
they go up the
mountain in a ski lift.
- That's where they were going!
- Well, now that we've
solved that problem,
mod mod world looks at
the year's most important
sporting event, the 1968
Olympics in Mexico City.
(girls cheering randomly)
Here we are in Mexico City
Ain't nowhere not
sunny and pretty
You'll get in, just
mention our names,
Laugh-In for the Olympic games.
Ole!
- Many countries at the
Olympics are unable to participate
in all events, so they
usually specialize in one sport.
For instance the country
of Croatia has long been
known for it's fine
basketball team,
and tonight we have their coach
and three of their star players.
And now it's a real pleasure
for me to introduce to you
the former All-American,
many time All-Pro,
the great Elgin Baylor.
Coach, leasure to meet you sir.
I wonder if you think your
teams ready for the competition
here at the Olympics?
- Yes, and I'd like
for you to meet them.
- Well, I'd like to.
(60s music)
- The Olympics where
arguments are forgotten.
Where India and Pakistan
can become friendly rivals
on the hockey field.
- Lucky one.
- Lucky one.
- Lucky two.
- Lucky two.
- Lucky three.
- Lucky three.
(60s music)
- Yes, sports fans, we're
here at the Olympics talking
to some of the competitors
in the different events.
Who are you sir?
- I am the Argentine
marathon champion.
- You really don't sound
like an Argentinian.
- You could check it,
my papers are in order.
- I'm sure they are.
I understand that you
have a rather unusual
and most unique running style.
I wondered if you would
mind demonstrating that
running style for our
television audience.
- (speaks German)
Uh, si, of course.
- All right good,
okay, on your mark,
- I'll give the
orders around here.
On my mark, - Very interesting.
- (Speaks German)
(gun firing)
(counts in German)
(60s music)
- As you may have read,
there's been some problems
in recent years with Russian
winners of women's events
turning out to be men.
As a result, the Olympic
committee as devised a sex
test which the female
athletes will be required to take.
- This is an outrage.
To take sex test is
slur on my, my integrity,
my country and my fenimity,
now I ask you is
this the leg of a man?
I want results of test.
- Well, Mrs. Petrovitch,
I have good news
and bad news.
- Tell me bad news, I am strong.
- I'm afraid I'll have
to disqualify you,
you're definitely a man.
- Oh, and what is good news?
- Congratulations,
you're pregnant.
(60s music)
- On your mark,
- I want to defect from
Russia to U.S.A., is okay?
- Sure, sure.
Psst, say buddy, I'm
trying to avoid the draft,
can I defect to Canada?
- Sure, there are are lots
of Americans in Toronto.
- I say, I want to get out of
Canada and get to France,
any chance?
- Wee, wee, we
are glad to accept all
our Canadian brother.
- Get set,
(gun firing)
On your marks,
ready get set Go go go
We are the ladies
Of the Olympic games
And boy you oughta
see us do our stuff
We are the cream of
The world's Olympic dames,
We do the shot put
Broad jump Breast stroke
Running the mile
I carry the torch
She carries a torch
People ask me why
did I become a swimmer
Well I'll tell you it
was all because of him
I was just a farmers daughter
When he got me in hot water
And the only thing to
do was learn to swim
People ask me how
did I perfect the shot put
Was it practice, did
I have to work a lot
When the boys began attacking
Mama's pistol I was packing
And in no time I knew
where to put the shot
People often wonder how
I learned to broad jump
Well, I didn't wanna
sit there like a lump
When a fella starts to grab you
If you're standing
still he'll nab you
In a second any
broad can learn to jump
You may wonder why
did I become a runner
Is it healthy, is
it thrilling, is it fun
When the fellas start arriving
It's a question of surviving
And the only thing
a girl can do is run
People ask me why I
always carry torches
Well my boyfriends
always leave me on a porch
Though my spirit slowly wilted
I've had practice being jilted
So I qualify to carry any torch.
We do the shot put
Broad jump Breast stroke
Running the mile
Loyal Steadfast Up right
Wearing a smile I
carry the torch, oh boy
We're muscular maids
We're ladies of
the Olympic games
Oh yeah
- And now folks, it's
sock it to me time.
- The sock it to me
lamp is definitely out,
'cause, here comes the
judge, here comes the judge
here comes the judge.
- Wrong.
(silly music)
- May I have this dance?
- And this camera takes
great colored pictures.
Be that as it may,
here's another segment of
pure unadulterated madness.
- What kind of madness?
- Unadulterated.
- I'll drink to that.
- We call it potpourri.
- You call it potpourri?
- What do you call it?
- Unadulterated madness.
- I'll drink to that.
- Why?
- Potpourri.
- Why didn't you say so?
(doorbell rings)
- Come in, the door's open.
- Mmm!
- Mr. Rencorn?
- Yes.
- You reported a crime.
- That's right, officer.
While I was out bowling
somebody broke into the house
blew open the safe, ransacked
every room in the place
and stole my life savings
and left my wife like this.
(muffled yelling)
- When'd this happen?
- Week ago Monday.
- With the miracle of
surgical transplants now
a reality, Laugh-in
looks into the future
at the world's first totally
reconstituted human.
- So you're the world's
first person entirely
made of spare parts.
- That's right.
This arm came from
a man from the CIA,
and this one from an FBI man.
- How does it uh,
how does it work?
- Not too well.
My left hand never knows
what my right hand is doing.
And this knee came
from an Egyptian
and this one from an Israeli.
- Does it pose a problem?
- Only when I cross my legs.
- Well, you're saying then
that your entire anatomy
has come from foreigners.
- Oh no, my heart
belongs to daddy.
- Well, I think you're
certainly a plucky little girl,
I wonder if you would
mind if I shook your hand.
- Go ahead, doesn't
belong to me anyway.
- Hey, baby!
- And now, strolling
down memory lane,
Here's Pupi Campo.
Pupi Campo?
- If Pupi Campo
married Betty Boop,
he'd be Pupi Boop.
(silly music)
- Hey that's funny.
- You get a kick out of that?
- Sure do.
- Do you know who's
responsible for that kind of humor?
- Ernie Kovacs.
- That's right.
- He was brilliant.
- Just about the best there was.
- I remember he did a lot
of those bathtub blackouts.
- Yeah, that's why
we're doing them tonight.
- Kinda nice way
to remember a guy.
- Exactly, look,
here's another one.
- They're all gone, shall
we do something together?
- Yeah, let's do it.
- Okay, singing the rain number.
- Groovey.
- Okay, here we go.
Singing in the rain
Just singing in the rain
- You know Sammy,
I'm really glad you're here
doing this with me.
'Cause if you weren't
I'd get it for sure.
- Oh you're kidding.
- Oh listen, with
a big star like you,
they're not about to throw
anything at me, I'm safe.
- You're absolutely safe,
shall we do the finish?
- Yeah.
- With the trenches, - Right.
- here we go.
We're singing and
dancing in the rain
- Yeah!
It was wonderful,
can we do it again?
- See, nothing happened at all.
- It didn't, did it.
- No it didn't.
- Wow, can we do it again?
- Of course we can.
- One more time.
- All right, sock it to me.
Why'd they do that?
- Well, you said it.
- Said what?
- Sock it to me.
Sammy, I wasn't safe.
- Well, it's time to
say good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Eh.
- Good night, Dick.
- Dick who?
- And we have a show next
week, well if you liked tonight's,
- I wonder if you'd
mind if I said something
my great grandfather
once said to me.
- Gee I'm afraid
we're out of time, Dick.
Next week, we gotta,
- He was on a life raft for
14 days with a live bear.
- I'd be kinda be interested
to hear what he had to say.
- Well, when they landed,
they finally rescued him,
- Yeah?
- He kinda was all
choked up and said,
Do the name Ruby Begonia,
- Say good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night everybody,
hope you had a good time.
(70s style variety show music)
- There was a young
lady from Norway
who casually sat in her doorway
when the door squeezed her flat
that was that.
- Who's in there with you?
- Cool Hand Luke.
- I plan to run in
Mississippi - For what?
- The state line.
- I dropped a
bundle in the market.
- What happened?
- The bag broke.
- If Veronica Lake
married Corbet Monica,
she'd be Veronica Monica.
- Man's best friend is a dog,
at least that's what he
likes his wife to think.
- The pet shop owner
told me those bulldogs
were $15 a piece.
- How much is a whole one?
- I was gonna do a bubble dance,
but my mother said no soap.
- Could you lend me $10.
- What?
- I say could you lend me $10.
- I can't hear ya.
- I can hear.
- Then you lend him $10.
- I can't see 'im.
- Who said I never
met a man I didn't like?
- Zja zja Gabor.
- I have to rush right home,
I've got a stew in the oven.
- That oughta sober him up.
- What a minute, is that a
chicken stew in your oven?
Answer me.
- A myth is an effeminate moth.
- If I only have
one life to live,
let me live it as a blonde.
- Did you know there're
more Irishmen in Dublin
than all of Bulgaria?
- Here comes the judge,
here comes the judge
- Don't bother me, I'm
bleaching the colored kid's hair.
- Here comes the judge.
- If I could walk that way I
wouldn't need talcum powder.
What else would you call it?
Seen one, you've seen 'em all.
If I had it, wouldn't
I give it to ya?
To get to the other
side of the road,
- Out, out, out.
- Tippy tippy tin, tippy tin.
(silly music)
- Very interesting.
- Oh, can I have a light?
- Sure.
- This program was
recorded earlier so that we'd
have time for a solo
by Sammy Davis Jr.
From a whipper
will High on a hill
- There goes the judge,
there goes the judge,
there goes the judge.
(one person clapping)
program is brought to you
in living color on NBC.
- And now sports fans,
here we are in the last half
of the ninth inning,
the score is still tied
at seven to three.
- I've shot men
for less than that.
(speaking German)
- We're a little late
folks, good night.
- And now direct from
the recovery room of the
beautiful uptown
Burbank Hospital,
here in beautiful
downtown Burbank,
NBC presents Rowan
and Laugh-ins Martin.
Starring Dan Rowan
and Dick Martin.
With guest stars Joey Bishop,
Pamela Austin and
special guest star,
Sammy Davis Jr.
With Judy Carne, Arte
Johnson and Ruth Buzzi,
Henry Gibson, Goldie
Hawn, Larry Hovis,
Roddy Maude-Roxby,
Joanne Worley,
yours truly, Gary Owens and
Bargle as the friendly drelb.
- Tonight's program
is brought to you by
the folks charming down at from
(70s variety show music)
- And now here he is
ladies and gentlemen,
the one, the only, Dan Rowan.
And in the purple
trunks, Dick Martin.
- So here we go again.
- I can't wait to get started.
- You seem to be in
pretty good spirits tonight.
- I feel good too.
- Oh, well, that's
quite a coincidence.
Why don't I tell ya who's
on the show tonight?
- No, I tell ya what,
why don't you tell me
who's on the show tonight?
- Hey, we'll do it your way.
- All righty.
Kirk Douglas.
- Now, you know Kirk
Douglas isn't here tonight.
- Yeah, but they don't know.
- You mean you would
deliberately mislead these people
to make them watch the show
because Kirk Douglas is on?
- You bet your
sweet bippy, I would.
- I been meaning to
ask you, what's a bippy.
- That's a baby bip.
- Yeah, but what's a bip?
- A big bippy.
- Are you sure?
- You bet your
sweet bippy, I'm sure.
- Well, how would you like
to know who's here tonight?
- I'd rather know who's here.
- All right, for openers,
how about Joey Bishop?
- Joey Bishop?
Happens to be
one of my favorites.
- Yeah he's great, isn't he?
- Ah, he got out of ABC, huh?
- You can't say that.
- Got out of CBS?
- He's not on CBS.
- He's been canceled?
- No, he hasn't been canceled,
show's goin' better than ever.
- Oh.
- Hey, and Pam Austin's here.
- Oh, I love her.
- Oh, she's pretty isn't she?
- I guess so.
- Well she's here.
- Where?
- Right here.
- Yeah?
- Ladies and gentlemen,
Miss Pam Austin.
What's on your mind, honey?
- Well, I have a
trick I'd like to try
on the show tonight.
- All right, if you'd like
to, go ahead and try it.
- Okay, one, two, three.
- Pam?
- Hey.
- Don't go away,
we can work it out.
- That's some
kinda trick, isn't it?
- Where'd she go?
- I dunno.
- Did you like it?
- Hey.
- You had me worried.
- Hey that's great.
- Oh, I'm so happy.
- Hey, can I see it again?
- Mmmhmm, one, two, three.
- That is something.
- Come on back honey.
- Pam!
- That's not Pam.
- What happened?
- Come on.
That's not Pam.
- Well, who is it?
- Do the name Ruby
Begonia strike a familiar note?
(laughing)
- Hey, come on
now, where'd she go?
- I suppose he
went to the party.
- Well, come on,
let's go with her.
- You're invited too.
(60s music)
- Our country would
be much better off
with a strong leader.
- I know, but Sinatra
can't do everything.
- I have nothing
against minorities,
but what happens when
there's more of them
than there is of us?
- I think the award for
best supporting actor
should go to Hubert Humphrey.
- I just wanna take
a second to tell you
I think you're a
very lovely girl.
- Oh I've heard Cary
Grant was much taller.
- I get this terrible fear.
I imagine this huge hairy
brute is gonna overpower me.
My psychiatrist says
this won't happen,
that's when I get
this terrible fear.
- How do you Americans
feel about Cassius Clay?
- Well, some people say,
if Mohammed
won't go to the army,
let the army go to Mohammed.
- I didn't know Dr. Spock
cared about people.
I thought he was only
interested in babies.
- My grandfather's
a sexilgenarian.
- That's amazing at his age.
- Personally, I would
never call Chistian Dior
a man of the cloth.
- Which reminds me of the
tale of the dancing maiden
and the wonderful things
she did with tapioca pudding.
- I know Joey Bishop
isn't your real name,
now what was it
before you changed it?
- Hellen Haze.
- I was in the movie
Bikini Beach Party.
I played a wet blanket.
- I just wanna tell
you, I think you're
a very
lovely girl.
- Oh I thought Walter
Brennan was taller.
- I believe all our religious
leaders have the same
basic goals with the possible
exception of Hugh Hefner.
- I wanted to ask my boyfriend
to see In the Heat of the Night,
but I didn't know how
to phrase the invitation.
- Why do you British
maintain a stiff upper lip?
- There's a definite
feeling of insecurity
about British dentures.
- How do I know you'll still
love me if we get married?
- Baby you know how
I love married ladies.
- The aesthetic enjoyment
of transcendental
meditation brings a
wonderfulness of love and peace
and I can get it
for you for $1.50.
- I'm Sammy Davis Jr.
- Oh no you ain't,
he's much taller.
- I see where a member of
the American Rifle Association
is involved in a paternity suit.
- Son of a gun.
(people chanting sock it to me)
- And now folks, it's
sock it to me time.
- Sock it to me, sock
it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock it to me?
(silly music)
- Prost!
- May I have this dance?
- I suppose you're all
wondering why I asked you here.
- Bird.
- Enough of this
childish horseplay folks,
it's time now for the
Rowan and Martin Report,
when each week
Laugh-in looks at the news,
past, present and future.
What's the news
across the nation
We have got the information
In a way we hope will amuse yous
We just love to
give you our views
La la la la
Ladies and gents,
Laugh-in looks at the news
- [Women] Here's Dan.
- And now here with
the news of the present,
the man to whom the
news wouldn't be the news
without the news, here's Dickie.
- May the good fairy
drop nern in your purg.
Boston Mass,
Fred Fields discovered a new way
to teach the facts
of life to children.
Mr. Fields, a
sky-writer by profession,
revealed all the
details to his son today,
and was immediately
arrested upon landing.
Mr. Fields was previously
arrested for writing the
entire text of Fanny
Hill over New York,
New Jersey, Pennsylvania
and parts of Ohio.
New York City, it
can be reported now,
that at the height of the
recent sanitation strike
in New York City, the head
of the garbage men's union
said, "we wouldn't touch
that stuff with a 10 foot pole."
Edward Manslowski,
a 10 foot Pole,
said he wouldn't
touch it either.
And now, take it away Goldie.
- Laugh-In news of the
past, present and future
now continues to
the news of the past.
That's in the past you know.
Now here's,
um, - Dan.
- Dan.
- 1703, on returning to
Moscow from the honeymoon,
the czar and his bride announced
their immediate separation.
The couple refused to
discuss the honeymoon,
but it was noted
that he referred
to her as Catherine the Great,
while she called
him Ivan the Terrible.
In 1492, as Christopher
Columbus sailed from Genoa
today in search of a new
trade route to the far east,
he said, I don't
care where I wind up,
I'm still not going to enter
the California primary.
Finally, this item
from London, 1948,
20 years ago today.
Field Marshal Montgomery
unveiled a monument in
Piccadilly Circus, dedicated
to the girls who fell there,
in World War II.
- That's about as
funny as an Indian raid.
- The supreme court is
about to rule that gambling
is not a crime.
Tonight the Rowan Martin
Report takes you to the
Supreme Court chambers
where this history decision
will be made.
- My fellow justices,
we are about to reach a
very serious decision
regarding the legality of gambling.
Are you ready?
- [Group] Yes.
- All right then, heads
it's legal, tales it isn't.
- And now it's time for
a Laugh-In news extra.
Take it away somebody.
- Many people suspect
that our news is doctored
in what is called
the national interest.
For a better understanding
of the credibility gap,
we take you to the official
press office in Washington.
- Hey Sam, listen
to this bulletin.
- Yeah.
- An American
destroyer accidentally hit
and sank a Russian fishing
vessel 75 miles off the coast
of Labrador, 15 Russian
fisherman were injured.
- That's a good item.
I think we can do
something with that.
How many Russians
did you say were injured?
- 15.
- 15, Joe, that
could be serious,
we better make it 10 Russians.
- How about five Russians?
- Make it a couple.
- A couple of ours.
- Couple of ours?
- Why not?
- In that case then, we
might as well make it five.
- Make it 10,
- Look, we might as
well then leave it at the
original number, 15,
that way it's original,
nobody will be bugged by it.
- 15 American fisherman injured.
Boy, that's terrible.
- Where uh, where was
this Russian boat anyway?
- 75 miles off the
coast of Labrador.
- Labrador, nobody
knows where that is.
Make it New England.
- 75 miles off the
coast of Massachusetts.
- Good, now round
it out to 50 miles,
'cause I think
that'll read better.
- Maybe even 25.
- Let's not quibble.
Put them a mile off
of Boston Harbor.
- A mile,
one mile.
Boy those are fool
Russians who don't know
they're playing with
dynamite, do they?
- Wait a minute.
- What?
- Just a minute, wouldn't
people see a Russian boat
one mile off shore?
- Sure, somebody would spot it.
- Not if it was a submarine.
- Of course, it had to be a sub.
But tell me, how could an
American destroyer ram a sub?
- It couldn't.
Ya know what?
It's gotta be the
other way around.
Their sub hit our fishing boat.
- Our fishing boat?
- Of course, how else
could 15 American
fishermen be injured?
- Lousy Ruskies!
- How come the
sub didn't see them?
I mean, don't forget,
a sub has a periscope.
- That's right.
An accident like that
just couldn't happen.
- Of course,
you mean it wasn't an accident?
- Of course not.
They did it on purpose.
- Butchers, dirty butchers!
- Read it back to me.
- All right, today a Russian
submarine deliberately
ram and sank a helpless
American fishing boat
one mile off Boston Harbor.
15 American fishermen
are in critical condition.
You know something?
Those Russians must
be out of their minds
to think they can get
away with a thing like this!
- You're right.
Another incident like
this and those maniacs
could start World War III.
That's the news
across the nation
Now you've got the information
Thanks a lot, we
hope it amused yous
We just love to
give you are views
La la la la
Ladies and gents,
Laugh-in looked at the news
- And now folks, here's
our next number, 73.
- This camera takes a
picture in two seconds flat.
- Here come the judge.
Here come the judge.
Here come the judge.
Here come the judge.
- $10 or 30 days.
- Well, judge,
I'll take the $10.
Throw me a kiss
from across the room
Tell me I'm nice when I'm not.
- You're not.
(silly music)
Be my love
- Now that's black power.
(silly music)
- Locks?
- And now folks, it's
sock it to me time.
- The sock it to me
lamp is definitely lit.
- Hey, I got a great idea.
Why not sock it to Joey?
- Sock it to me, sock it to
me, sock it to me, sock it to me
My pleasure.
(silly music)
- May I have this dance?
- My wife, she's very jealous,
take off your clothes quick!
- Here come the judge.
Here come the judge.
Here come the judge.
Here come the judge.
- Why did you stick your
knife into the plaintiff?
- Well, I heard
the police coming,
and I had to hide it somewhere.
(silly music)
- Well folks, here's what
you've all been waiting for.
- You gonna bring
on some nice ladies?
- Oh this is where we
present tomorrow's stars today
on Laugh-in's new talent time.
(off key trumpet fanfare)
- Oh boy, they'd sure
stump 'em on What's My Line.
- Hey, we're gonna
have some fun tonight.
- Soon as the
program's over, huh?
- Oh no, we've got
some great new talent.
- I hope so.
- You know the Nern Hotel in
beautiful downtown Burbank
has been trying to
compete with Las Vegas,
you know, as the
entertainment capital of the west.
- I heard about that.
- Oh, I'm glad you heard that.
Well, anyway, they just
imported an Indian dance troupe
all the way from the far east.
- I heard some people
talking about that.
- What'd they say?
- I don't know, they
were mouthing the,
- Oh, I see, well, we
borrowed this fabulous act
for Laugh-in tonight and
you're gonna like 'em.
- Well, as long as they're
as good as you say,
let's bring 'em on in.
- All right, ladies and
gentlemen, direct from the
Nern Hotel in beautiful
downtown Burbank,
we proudly present the
Maharishi and his maraschinos.
(Indian style music)
- And lest we forget,
those wonderful men in blue
who keep our ships
afloat out there on the sea.
(bells ringing along with music)
- And how about,
(random singing)
- He ought to get travel pay.
- Hehe, that's the
Maharishi there.
- He was busy.
- Well, moving right
along, new talent time,
here's another first.
- I guess so.
- You like this fella?
- It's just one of the
best acts I ever saw.
- Oh you really think so?
Why don't you introduce him?
- Introduce who?
- Chris Beer.
- Who's Chris Beer?
- I thought you said it
was one of the best acts
you ever saw?
- I did.
- And you don't
know what he does?
- Sure but I wanna be surprised.
- Oh, well, you'll be surprised.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the famous French Canadian
step dancer, Mr. Chris Beer.
(playful step music)
- He's something else.
- Do his axes ever slip?
- If they do,
- Would you care to say
exactly what else he uh,
- Well, I don't have time,
because here's our next guest.
- Another goodie?
- Oh this goodie's
been on before.
- Oh? You're kidding.
You're not bringing
back Tiny Tim are you?
- Oh no, no, no.
The ever popular
Mr. Pietro Rosemenko.
- Oh he's the guy
that escaped from
behind the iron curtain.
- The very one.
- Oh yeah, I love him.
- And here he is,
Mr. Pietro Rosemenko.
Good evening Mr. Rosemenko.
Yes, well how about
that ovation, huh?
- Is very exciting.
- Oh they really do
love you on the show.
- Is a pleasure, thank you.
- What're you gonna
do for us tonight?
- Is great honor
for me, a privilege.
I have great feeling in heart,
because I bring from other side,
my identicouple twin brother.
- Your brother,
you brought your,
and he's going to, he's
going to perform with,
- Help for escaping
and this is the first time
he's, he's very nervous.
- Oh, what a
thrill for all of us.
- I know you, you, you,
- We're really
looking forward to it.
Ladies and gentlemen,
new talent is proud to present
the Rosemenko twins.
(whispering in foreign language)
(singing in foreign language)
- The Rosemenko twins?
- Yeah, kinda hard
to believe, isn't it?
- Yeah, one is so much
taller than the other.
- Yeah, that's true.
Well, that about
wraps it up for tonight's
new talent department.
- And if you wanna
vote for your favorite,
just dial operator.
- Oh, you can't tell the
people to dial operator.
- That's the number I
always call in an emergency.
- What's an emergency got
to do with this new talent?
- Well, if I saw these acts,
I'd sure wanna call a cop.
- And now folks, let's
rejoin the Green Hornet
and his faithful servant Tonto.
- Here comes the judge,
here comes the judge,
here comes the judge,
here comes the judge.
Judge, judge.
Judge, judge.
Judge, judge.
- Now Pat, what's
brought you here again?
- Two policemen.
- Drunk as usual?
- Both of them.
- How come I never get dates?
- Maybe it's your,
- Oh ya know, I use
the leading mouth wash,
and nationally famous deodorant.
I'm neat and clean
and I smell great.
- Mary, I must confess,
I don't understand why
you don't get dates.
(people chanting
stronger than dirt)
- Fog.
- My name is Joey Heatherton
and have I got a secret.
- You know, my ancestors
picked so much cotton that
I still hate to open
an aspirin bottle.
- If you're scoring at home,
that was the first
good one tonight.
- I tell you, I just can't win.
Last night, I
dreamed I was white.
And a colored kid beat me up.
- I thought that was funny,
but I laugh at everything.
- Ya know, we're not too
dumb, we move into a block,
and when the values go
down, we buy up all the land
and then move out.
- Here's another one
that won't choke ya up.
- Ya know, they don't make us
sit in the back of
the bus anymore,
because they found out
that most of the accidents
happen in the front.
- What we got here is a
failure to communicate.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Sammy Davis Jr.
- The second half of
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-in
is brought to you by
(70s style variety show music)
- Hickory, dickory dock,
the mouse ran up the clock,
the clock struck,
boy those unions are
getting in everywhere.
- And now folks, it's
sock it to me time.
Ow, that hurt.
- You hit that kid again
and somebody's gonna
answer to me.
- Sock it to me, sock
it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock
it to me, lalalalala.
(silly music)
(glass shattering)
- May I have this dance?
- I know to you, I may look old,
hope this statement
ain't too bold,
but here comes the judge,
here comes the judge,
here comes the judge,
here comes the judge,
here comes the judge,
here comes the judge.
- What are you charged with?
- Stealing apples
off a fruit stand.
- 30 days for
impersonating an officer.
(silly music)
- Awww.
- We interrupt this program
to bring you a special report
from our man in Southeast Asia.
- Thanks Dan.
Well, this has been a
busy week, as you know.
Prince Chow Lai met
General Cam Book Nook,
near Pen Moon Tang to
discuss the cuan chin dang dun
infiltrations at Gung do poo.
(speaking in foreign language)
- And now here is Shep Fields
and his Casa Loma Orchestra
to play the sweetest
music this side of heaven.
(silly music)
- Here comes the judge,
here comes the judge,
here comes the judge,
here comes the judge
here comes the judge.
- The prisoner is
not guilty of theft.
- Does that mean I don't
have to give back the watch?
- Calhoun the lawyer
gonna be here in the morning.
- And now folks, it's
sock it to me time.
- Son of a gun,
they socked it to her.
(silly music)
- May I have this dance?
(fabric ripping)
- Yes, this camera records
exactly what you see
with your eye.
- Here comes the judge.
- Prisoner, have
you anything to offer
in your own behalf?
- No sir, I gave every
cent I had to the jury.
- Tonight, mod mod world
looks at the Olympics.
(60s music)
- Yep, tonight the
subject of mod mod world
is the Olympics.
I bet you're looking forward
to seeing the Olympics, huh?
- I guess every time I
think about the ol' Olympics
I get a bit chill, ya know?
- Oh really, why's that?
- 'Spose you'd like to, ya
know, hear about my uncle
in the Olympics, huh?
- Well, no not really, I didn't,
- He was in the Battle
Creek, Michigan Olympics.
- They never had any Olympics
in Battle Creek, Michigan.
- That's what they'd
like ya to believe.
- Yeah, well, I'm not
interested in your uncle,
I think, - He won
three gold medals.
- I don't want to hear about it.
There're probably,
- For cake baking.
- They don't have cake
baking in the Olympics.
- Yeah? He came in
ahead of Betty Crocker.
- I knew I didn't
want to hear about it.
- The Pillsbury
lady was very upset.
- The Pillsbury lady?
- Woo, she came in right
behind Betty Crocker's buns.
- Yeah, well, moving
right along with the subject
of the Olympics,
- This shows ya that religion
and cooking just don't mix.
- Religion and cooking?
- She was baking an
angel cake at the time.
- Well, we picked
another subject you
don't know anything about,
is that what you're trying
to tell me?
- What do you mean?
- Olympics and sports.
You just don't know
anything about sports.
- You happen to be talking
to a hockey champion.
- You're a hockey champion?
- That's funny, so am I.
- Oh come now.
I'd like to see you
play in hockey.
- Well, as soon as I get
a new ball, I'll show ya.
- You don't play
hockey with a ball.
- That's what they'd
like you to believe.
- Oh no, no, no, you
play hockey with a puck.
- He was our goalie.
- Who?
- Fred Puck.
- Oh come on.
Look in a few months, our
American Olympic team's
going to be visiting the
games in Mexico City,
- I've played a few games
in Mexico City myself.
- That may be so,
- I remember one game I played,
- Yeah, I don't
wanna hear about,
- I met her in a little bar,
- Look, Dick, we don't
have time for you to,
- I will never forget, - Dick,
- The words.
- All right.
- The first words,
and I offered to buy
her another tequila,
- I don't wanna talk about,
- Little tequila with the
sale and the lime, huh?
- All right hold it will ya?
Just a minute, Dick.
- She looked up into my eyes,
and she whispered softly,
- Now come on
Dick, - Come on Dick.
How did you know that?
- I was there.
- I didn't know that.
You had a wig on.
- You wanna know the
big problem in Mexico City?
- Yeah.
- Our athletes are gonna
have a problem down there
because of the altitude.
- Oh?
- Oh sure, the air
is a lot different,
it's very thin air.
- Who wants fat air?
- Oh no, no, no, -
Benny Youngman 1912.
- No, don't you understand?
As a result of that thin air
you have trouble breathing
if you're not used to it.
- I'd be a cinch, I've
been breathing all my life.
- You're gonna have
to prove that to me.
Don't you know anything
at all about sports?
- I happen to be one of
the great skiers of all time.
- Where did you ever ski?
- Why I spent a whole
winter in Switzerland.
- Skiing?
- Oh, I guess so,
every morning, up early,
strap on the old skis and go
out there and hit those alps.
- Yes sir, boy, feel great, huh?
- Exhausted.
- Well, it's tiring, ya know,
skiing down those mountains
all day long.
- Down the mountains?
- Of course down the mountain.
You can't ski up a mountain.
- You can't?
- No, they ski
down the mountain,
they go up the
mountain in a ski lift.
- That's where they were going!
- Well, now that we've
solved that problem,
mod mod world looks at
the year's most important
sporting event, the 1968
Olympics in Mexico City.
(girls cheering randomly)
Here we are in Mexico City
Ain't nowhere not
sunny and pretty
You'll get in, just
mention our names,
Laugh-In for the Olympic games.
Ole!
- Many countries at the
Olympics are unable to participate
in all events, so they
usually specialize in one sport.
For instance the country
of Croatia has long been
known for it's fine
basketball team,
and tonight we have their coach
and three of their star players.
And now it's a real pleasure
for me to introduce to you
the former All-American,
many time All-Pro,
the great Elgin Baylor.
Coach, leasure to meet you sir.
I wonder if you think your
teams ready for the competition
here at the Olympics?
- Yes, and I'd like
for you to meet them.
- Well, I'd like to.
(60s music)
- The Olympics where
arguments are forgotten.
Where India and Pakistan
can become friendly rivals
on the hockey field.
- Lucky one.
- Lucky one.
- Lucky two.
- Lucky two.
- Lucky three.
- Lucky three.
(60s music)
- Yes, sports fans, we're
here at the Olympics talking
to some of the competitors
in the different events.
Who are you sir?
- I am the Argentine
marathon champion.
- You really don't sound
like an Argentinian.
- You could check it,
my papers are in order.
- I'm sure they are.
I understand that you
have a rather unusual
and most unique running style.
I wondered if you would
mind demonstrating that
running style for our
television audience.
- (speaks German)
Uh, si, of course.
- All right good,
okay, on your mark,
- I'll give the
orders around here.
On my mark, - Very interesting.
- (Speaks German)
(gun firing)
(counts in German)
(60s music)
- As you may have read,
there's been some problems
in recent years with Russian
winners of women's events
turning out to be men.
As a result, the Olympic
committee as devised a sex
test which the female
athletes will be required to take.
- This is an outrage.
To take sex test is
slur on my, my integrity,
my country and my fenimity,
now I ask you is
this the leg of a man?
I want results of test.
- Well, Mrs. Petrovitch,
I have good news
and bad news.
- Tell me bad news, I am strong.
- I'm afraid I'll have
to disqualify you,
you're definitely a man.
- Oh, and what is good news?
- Congratulations,
you're pregnant.
(60s music)
- On your mark,
- I want to defect from
Russia to U.S.A., is okay?
- Sure, sure.
Psst, say buddy, I'm
trying to avoid the draft,
can I defect to Canada?
- Sure, there are are lots
of Americans in Toronto.
- I say, I want to get out of
Canada and get to France,
any chance?
- Wee, wee, we
are glad to accept all
our Canadian brother.
- Get set,
(gun firing)
On your marks,
ready get set Go go go
We are the ladies
Of the Olympic games
And boy you oughta
see us do our stuff
We are the cream of
The world's Olympic dames,
We do the shot put
Broad jump Breast stroke
Running the mile
I carry the torch
She carries a torch
People ask me why
did I become a swimmer
Well I'll tell you it
was all because of him
I was just a farmers daughter
When he got me in hot water
And the only thing to
do was learn to swim
People ask me how
did I perfect the shot put
Was it practice, did
I have to work a lot
When the boys began attacking
Mama's pistol I was packing
And in no time I knew
where to put the shot
People often wonder how
I learned to broad jump
Well, I didn't wanna
sit there like a lump
When a fella starts to grab you
If you're standing
still he'll nab you
In a second any
broad can learn to jump
You may wonder why
did I become a runner
Is it healthy, is
it thrilling, is it fun
When the fellas start arriving
It's a question of surviving
And the only thing
a girl can do is run
People ask me why I
always carry torches
Well my boyfriends
always leave me on a porch
Though my spirit slowly wilted
I've had practice being jilted
So I qualify to carry any torch.
We do the shot put
Broad jump Breast stroke
Running the mile
Loyal Steadfast Up right
Wearing a smile I
carry the torch, oh boy
We're muscular maids
We're ladies of
the Olympic games
Oh yeah
- And now folks, it's
sock it to me time.
- The sock it to me
lamp is definitely out,
'cause, here comes the
judge, here comes the judge
here comes the judge.
- Wrong.
(silly music)
- May I have this dance?
- And this camera takes
great colored pictures.
Be that as it may,
here's another segment of
pure unadulterated madness.
- What kind of madness?
- Unadulterated.
- I'll drink to that.
- We call it potpourri.
- You call it potpourri?
- What do you call it?
- Unadulterated madness.
- I'll drink to that.
- Why?
- Potpourri.
- Why didn't you say so?
(doorbell rings)
- Come in, the door's open.
- Mmm!
- Mr. Rencorn?
- Yes.
- You reported a crime.
- That's right, officer.
While I was out bowling
somebody broke into the house
blew open the safe, ransacked
every room in the place
and stole my life savings
and left my wife like this.
(muffled yelling)
- When'd this happen?
- Week ago Monday.
- With the miracle of
surgical transplants now
a reality, Laugh-in
looks into the future
at the world's first totally
reconstituted human.
- So you're the world's
first person entirely
made of spare parts.
- That's right.
This arm came from
a man from the CIA,
and this one from an FBI man.
- How does it uh,
how does it work?
- Not too well.
My left hand never knows
what my right hand is doing.
And this knee came
from an Egyptian
and this one from an Israeli.
- Does it pose a problem?
- Only when I cross my legs.
- Well, you're saying then
that your entire anatomy
has come from foreigners.
- Oh no, my heart
belongs to daddy.
- Well, I think you're
certainly a plucky little girl,
I wonder if you would
mind if I shook your hand.
- Go ahead, doesn't
belong to me anyway.
- Hey, baby!
- And now, strolling
down memory lane,
Here's Pupi Campo.
Pupi Campo?
- If Pupi Campo
married Betty Boop,
he'd be Pupi Boop.
(silly music)
- Hey that's funny.
- You get a kick out of that?
- Sure do.
- Do you know who's
responsible for that kind of humor?
- Ernie Kovacs.
- That's right.
- He was brilliant.
- Just about the best there was.
- I remember he did a lot
of those bathtub blackouts.
- Yeah, that's why
we're doing them tonight.
- Kinda nice way
to remember a guy.
- Exactly, look,
here's another one.
- They're all gone, shall
we do something together?
- Yeah, let's do it.
- Okay, singing the rain number.
- Groovey.
- Okay, here we go.
Singing in the rain
Just singing in the rain
- You know Sammy,
I'm really glad you're here
doing this with me.
'Cause if you weren't
I'd get it for sure.
- Oh you're kidding.
- Oh listen, with
a big star like you,
they're not about to throw
anything at me, I'm safe.
- You're absolutely safe,
shall we do the finish?
- Yeah.
- With the trenches, - Right.
- here we go.
We're singing and
dancing in the rain
- Yeah!
It was wonderful,
can we do it again?
- See, nothing happened at all.
- It didn't, did it.
- No it didn't.
- Wow, can we do it again?
- Of course we can.
- One more time.
- All right, sock it to me.
Why'd they do that?
- Well, you said it.
- Said what?
- Sock it to me.
Sammy, I wasn't safe.
- Well, it's time to
say good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Eh.
- Good night, Dick.
- Dick who?
- And we have a show next
week, well if you liked tonight's,
- I wonder if you'd
mind if I said something
my great grandfather
once said to me.
- Gee I'm afraid
we're out of time, Dick.
Next week, we gotta,
- He was on a life raft for
14 days with a live bear.
- I'd be kinda be interested
to hear what he had to say.
- Well, when they landed,
they finally rescued him,
- Yeah?
- He kinda was all
choked up and said,
Do the name Ruby Begonia,
- Say good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night everybody,
hope you had a good time.
(70s style variety show music)
- There was a young
lady from Norway
who casually sat in her doorway
when the door squeezed her flat
that was that.
- Who's in there with you?
- Cool Hand Luke.
- I plan to run in
Mississippi - For what?
- The state line.
- I dropped a
bundle in the market.
- What happened?
- The bag broke.
- If Veronica Lake
married Corbet Monica,
she'd be Veronica Monica.
- Man's best friend is a dog,
at least that's what he
likes his wife to think.
- The pet shop owner
told me those bulldogs
were $15 a piece.
- How much is a whole one?
- I was gonna do a bubble dance,
but my mother said no soap.
- Could you lend me $10.
- What?
- I say could you lend me $10.
- I can't hear ya.
- I can hear.
- Then you lend him $10.
- I can't see 'im.
- Who said I never
met a man I didn't like?
- Zja zja Gabor.
- I have to rush right home,
I've got a stew in the oven.
- That oughta sober him up.
- What a minute, is that a
chicken stew in your oven?
Answer me.
- A myth is an effeminate moth.
- If I only have
one life to live,
let me live it as a blonde.
- Did you know there're
more Irishmen in Dublin
than all of Bulgaria?
- Here comes the judge,
here comes the judge
- Don't bother me, I'm
bleaching the colored kid's hair.
- Here comes the judge.
- If I could walk that way I
wouldn't need talcum powder.
What else would you call it?
Seen one, you've seen 'em all.
If I had it, wouldn't
I give it to ya?
To get to the other
side of the road,
- Out, out, out.
- Tippy tippy tin, tippy tin.
(silly music)
- Very interesting.
- Oh, can I have a light?
- Sure.
- This program was
recorded earlier so that we'd
have time for a solo
by Sammy Davis Jr.
From a whipper
will High on a hill
- There goes the judge,
there goes the judge,
there goes the judge.
(one person clapping)