Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 1, Episode 10 - Episode #1.10 - full transcript
- [Narrator] The
following program
is brought to you in
living color on NBC.
- In spite of the fact
today is April Fool's Day,
the producers of Laugh In
have asked me to announce
we will do our regular show.
Therefore we feel that...
(laughter)
After all, you're
probably as sick as I am
of practical jokes by now.
Therefore, the preceding
was unrehearsed,
uncalled for, and...
Moving along musically now.
- Bly me, they really
socked it to him.
- Who knows what evil lurks in
the hearts and minds of men?
The Shadow do.
- Ha ha ha.
- You know this show
may bring back radio?
- I find if you put both hands
over your ears and scream,
it helps a lot.
- And now, and now,
direct from the launching pad
in the Off Limits Motel here in
beautiful downtown Burbank,
NBC proudly presents
Rowan & Martin's Laugh In.
(applause)
Starring Dan Rowan
and Dick Martin,
with guest stars Barbara Feldon,
Judy Carne, Artie
Duncan, the Bee Gees,
and Flip Wilson.
With Ruth Buzzy, Goldie
Hawn, Henry Gibson,
Larry Hovis,
Roddy Maude-Roxby,
Joanne Worley, yours
truly, Gary Owens,
and Morgul as
the friendly Drelb.
- Nice program.
It's brought to you by all
the fun-filled inmates at, two.
(groovy music)
- And now for a change of pace,
here's the serious portion
of tonight's program.
Coming out of
retirement, Dan Rowan
and the spine-tingling
Dick Martin.
(applause)
- Thank you. Good evening.
Well, it's nice to see all
your happy, smiling faces
out there tonight.
- Sure is. How come they
don't turn around and face us?
- No, no, they're turned
around. Good looking group.
You feel pretty good tonight.
- That's what I hear.
- Yeah, I heard
something about that.
I think we're gonna have
a lot of fun here tonight.
- You bet your
sweet bippy we are.
- Hey, let's tell
the folks at home
who's on the show tonight.
- Before we do that, we
don't we just tell the folks
who's on the show tonight?
- All right, go ahead.
What are you doing?
- You said go ahead.
- Listen before we go...
- Is that a slap point?
- No, no, we'll tell ya
when you got a slap point.
But before we talk about
who's on the show tonight,
there's something, just before
you start with that nonsense.
Now every week you
talk about some superstar
who isn't here, some
big movie star name,
just to get the folks at home
to stay tuned to the show.
Now, it's not fair and I'd
like you not to do it anymore.
- I'm very sorry and I
happen to agree with you
and it's a bad thing
that I've fallen into
and I won't ever do it again.
- Oh, wonderful.
- Thank you.
I was telling that to Steve
McQueen out in the hallway.
(laughter)
- All right.
You know Steve
McQueen's not here
and I don't want you
to mention his name.
- You can go home, Steve,
Dan doesn't want
anything to do with ya.
(laughter)
- All right.
- He always spoke
very well of you.
- Well listen, I'm a
big fan of McQueen's,
but he's not here.
But if you want to
get down to cases,
I'll tell you who's
here, Barbara Feldon.
- I'll get down to case with
Barbara Feldon any day.
- You really like
her, don't you?
- She's beautiful.
- Yeah, a lovely figure.
- Don't tell me, I got a
life-size statue of her at home.
- I kinda doubt that.
- How come they charged
me for a double room, then?
(laughter)
- Why, er...
- Think about that.
- You can't dwell
on him too long.
You know Flip
Wilson's here tonight.
- Oh, groovy. I dig
Flip, he's wonderful.
- Yeah, he's great.
- I can't wait to see him.
- Well, he's probably
at the party right now,
along with the rest of the gang.
- Ah, great bunch of cuckoos.
Especially that parson.
- He may be the only one
who's not at the party tonight.
- How come?
- Well, he said something
about tending his flock.
- Poor guy, never has any fun.
Always tending his flock.
- Yeah.
- Come on, let's go to
the party with the Parson
and his flock.
- No, no, that's his niece.
(applause)
(groovy music)
- It's not that I wanted
to work for the CIA,
it's just that I still had
family in Washington.
(laughter)
- I'll tell ya how I felt
about that garbage strike
in New York City.
I don't know which
smelled worse,
the strike or the settlement.
(laughter)
- Yeah, I've known old Nixon
since before he
went into politics.
That'd be a week
ago last Wednesday.
(laughter)
- I fear for the separation
of church and state.
General Hersey just called
up the Salvation Army.
(laughter)
- It was incredible.
Last night at the movies
I had to change my seat
four times before
somebody bothered me.
(laughter)
- I dreamed about
you last night.
- You did?
- I want to thank you
for a wonderful evening.
- If the dromedary is
not but a common camel,
the alligator is just a crock,
according to the Maharishi.
(laughter)
- Why is it so few American
homes have an original bidet?
- Well, they're not
as popular as Picasso
and they're much tougher
to hang on the wall.
(laughter)
- If it comes down to
Nixon and Johnson,
well we Texans are gonna
go all out for Johnson.
See, he's better for tourism.
(laughter)
- Boris says the
elections in South Vietnam
were so successful that LBJ
is thinking of running there.
(laughter)
- When you sin, you
must ask forgiveness
and expect to do penance.
But you don't
say, sock it to me.
(laughter)
- The student that makes
trouble for the scribe
is not but a pain in the class,
according to the Maharishi.
(laughter)
- Boy, those Rockefeller
brothers sure got it figured out.
Nelson settles the strikes
and Winthrop knows
where the bodies are buried.
(laughter)
- I'm a MacDonald.
- Oh, I always eat
your hamburgers.
- No, no, lass, I mean
the MacDonald clan.
- Someone mention the
Klan? Feet, do your duty.
(applause)
- [Group] Sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock it to me.
- [Judy] And now folks,
it's sock it to me time.
- No, we can't hear you, Judy.
- It's not clear at all.
- No, you're gonna
have to come out, Judy.
- [Judy] Well if I come out,
will you promise not to
hit me with any water?
Either of you.
- We promise.
- We promise.
- And now folks, it's...
Charming, charming.
- No, no...
- No, it's lovely. I'm amused.
- It wasn't us.
(silly music)
For I'm
Falling
In love with someone
Wait and see
I'm falling
In love with someone
(musical flourish)
- Now it's new talent
time on Laugh In
when we bring you the
stars of tomorrow, today,
from all over the world.
(musical flourish)
- Band from hunger.
- You just don't seem to
care much for the band.
- Oh, they're wonderful guys.
Lousy musicians,
but wonderful guys.
- Speaking of camels.
- Speaking of camels?
- Yeah, I got a
goody for ya tonight.
- Well, I hope so.
- Yup, a dancing camel.
- A dancing camel?
- You ever seen a dancing camel?
- I don't think so.
- Very different, too. This
camel has two humps.
- I'll drink to that. (laughter)
- Very few camels
have two humps.
- That's what the rumor is.
- Yup.
Just wait 'till you
see her dance.
- She dances, too?
- Oh, really moves around.
- I guess if I had two
humps, I would, too.
(laughter)
- Are you ready?
- I can hardly wait.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
just simmer down,
for the first time
on television.
- Laugh In presents a
double-hump dromedary.
- Hey, well done.
(applause)
(dance music)
(applause)
- How'd you like
that dancing camel?
- I'm not too sure
about that last one.
- Oh, it's a good one.
- Hey, I got one for you.
- Tell me about it.
- Well just about one
of the foremost singers
in the world today.
- Really, what does she do?
- I don't know.
- Well, I can hardly
wait to hear her.
- Neither can I.
- Why don't you bring her out?
- No, why don't we
have her sing first?
- All right, instead
of bringing her out,
let's do it your way.
- All right, ladies and
gentlemen a cultural moment
as Laugh In presents the
internationally known opera star,
Miss Snookie Lanson.
- Miss Snookie Lanson?
- You'll feel a lot better
about it when you hear her.
(applause)
(laughs in tune to opera music)
(applause)
- Sure, there ya are.
- That's our new
talent for tonight.
- Yeah, we've been
asked to announce that
transportation for
tonight's contestants
was not provided
by a major airline.
Accommodations for
them were not furnished
by a leading hotel,
and automobiles for
them were not provided
by either number
one or number two.
- And the leading network
has asked us to announce,
asked what?
- Has asked us to announce.
- Asked us to announce that
they were not even on the show.
- That's right.
- Plug, plug, plug.
Definitely plug, payoff, payoff.
Plug, boos, boos, I'm
gonna get boos for that.
- Tomorrow in beautiful
downtown Burbank,
look for smog, heavy rain,
and continued good weather.
- Psst.
- What?
- Hey buddy, your man is open.
- Dear Aggie, five nights a
week my husband gets home
long after midnight
with lipstick on his collar,
liquor on his breath, and
nothing in his pockets.
Do you think he's cheating
on me? Signed, frustrated.
Dear frustrated, if he's
getting home in that condition
only five nights a week,
he's cheating on both of us.
- How'd you make
all that money in Italy?
- Oh, it was very simple.
I sold periscopes to
street walkers in Venice.
- Very interesting.
- Good evening. We're
very proud of our police force.
We say you can't beat
our police. You really can't.
If you do beat our police,
technically speaking,
it's assaulting an officer.
And we can beat you for
that. We'll beat you in the end.
- And now folks, it's
sock it to me time.
Ha, ha, I didn't get wet.
(musical flourish)
- Enough of this
light-hearted shilly-shallying.
Here is the Rowan &
Martin Laugh In news report
of the past,
present, and future.
What's the news
across the nation
We have got the information
In a way we hope will amuse you
We just love to
give you our views
La la la la ladies and gents
Laugh In looks at
the news Here's Dan
(applause)
- And now here's the
man to whom the news
wouldn't be the news
without the news.
- Here's Dickie.
(theme from "The Tonight Show")
- Oh boy.
May the good fairy,
that's all, may the good fairy.
Now for the news of the present.
Howard Hughes bought the
Las Vegas Playboy Club today
and immediately ordered the
bunnies to work harder or else.
Three bunnies
decided to work harder.
The other 47
decided to try, or else.
In assessing the
current political scene,
Governor George
Romney said today,
if nominated, I will not run.
If elected, I will not serve,
due to circumstances
beyond my control.
And now here's the final item.
Today in Paris, sex
symbol Brigitte Bardot
allowed the press
to photograph her
taking a bath in goat's milk.
Miss Bardot has
always looked beautiful
but the goat
seemed rather tired.
And now, here's Goldie.
- And now with the
news of the future,
here is Dan Rowan and
the news 20 years from now,
in the future.
- Washington, D.C., 1988.
In this election year,
the latest Gallup poll
shows the Republicans
now control 12 states.
The Democrats control 14 states,
and the Viet Cong
control the rest.
Hearing the news, Ho
Chi Minh said, once again,
he will go anywhere at any time
to discuss an
honorable withdrawal.
Beverly Hills, 1988.
Hemlines, which have been
rising for the past 20 years
continued to rise today
as fashion designer
Rudy Gernreich introduced
his turtle-neck skirt.
Just think about
it for a minute.
1988, the United Nations
today called off World War 13
when the entire general assembly
agreed it would be bad luck.
They voted overwhelmingly
to go directly to World War 14.
The vote was two to one.
- And now let's
take you to our man
in the land of tomorrow.
Take it away, man.
- Well, here we are in 1988
and the United States
is still missing H-bombs.
Yesterday they lost six more
and so we take you
to the United Nations
where a special emergency
session has been called.
- Gentlemen, I cannot
overstate the critical nature
of this emergency.
The chair gratefully
acknowledges the presence
of the delegates from France,
Ireland, Germany, Egypt,
and, er...
- Pollend.
- Poland.
- Pollend, Pollend.
- Pollend.
- Did you hear, did you
hear about the Polish guy
that went to the
hospital and... (laughs)
- Gentlemen!
Gentlemen, gentlemen,
the people vote,
gentlemen?
Did you hear about the
Polish man who found
six American H-bombs?
- [Dan] No, no, how does it go?
- Bang.
(laughter)
Gentlemen, I just want to know,
am I right in assuming that
whoever finds these H-bombs,
belongs them?
- [All] Right, right, right.
- And any power that
owns these H-bombs
would become a nuclear power?
- [All] Right, right, right.
- Perfect. That's
all I wanted to know.
- You, er, you mean?
- Right, right, right.
Yes, gentlemen, we
founded the missing H-bombs
and as of this moment,
Poland is a nuclear power.
Which reminds me of
a German joke I heard.
(laughter)
Did you hear about the
world's shortest book?
Four Hundred Years
of German Humor.
(laughter)
Did you hear how the
(mumbles) got shot?
He was standing behind
an Egyptian sharp shooter.
(laughter)
I hear that the three
smelliest cheeses in France
are Roquefort,
Camembert, and De Gaulle.
(laughter)
- Ah, gentlemen,
gentlemen, please.
How do we know the
distinguished delegate
actually has found those bombs?
- I was expecting
someone to ask me that.
(hums)
You see, you make
fun of the Polish people,
and now we have a chance
to be as powerful as you
and we are not going to blow it!
(explosion)
(applause)
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
- And now, here's another
Laugh In news extra.
Take it away Dan Rowan.
- We're indeed
privileged to have with us
this year's Planned
Parenthood poster girl.
May I ask how you
won this great honor?
- All of us girls were
judged by our talents.
- In other words, your
talent won for you the title
of Miss Planned Parenthood?
- You know it.
- Yes, do you really
plan parenthood?
- Do we ever.
- Have regular meetings?
- Well, as often as we can.
- Really?
- Uh-huh. Sometimes
the meetings last all night.
- You don't object to
parents having one child?
- Oh no, everyone's
entitled to make a mistake
at least once.
- Well, what's the first
thing you suggest to a young,
married couple?
- Separate honeymoons.
- You feel that does the trick?
- No, we feel that
doesn't do the trick.
(laughter)
- Tell me, how do you
Planned Parenthood people
feel about the pill?
- Say that again.
- The pill?
- That's music to my ears.
- Well, you're in favor
of the pill, I take it?
- You do? Goody for you,
and don't you miss a day.
- Yes. Well, you feel the
pill has replaced willpower.
- No, we feel the pill
has replaced won't power.
- I don't get it.
- Poor baby.
- Well, I see our time is running
out, maybe none too soon.
- Maybe we could get
together after the show.
I have some ideas
that might interest you.
- Yes, well thank you very
much. I know that you...
- I'll just wait for you
outside in my car.
- Yes, it certainly has been
pleasant talking with you.
- You can't miss my car.
It's the one right
next to yours.
- We're going to take
you back to our studios.
Next to mine? Mine's
home in the garage.
- I know, sweetie, I know.
- Shocking. But
very interesting.
- In just a moment,
the Catholic hour.
But first, this important word.
- Bingo!
- The annual
installation of new offices
of the Women's Christian
Temperance Union
will be held at the
Waymore Hotel April 23rd.
Oh, by the way,
bring your own bottle.
There are fairies in
the bottom of my garden
(laughs)
- Hey, I bet you a dime I can
kiss you without touching you.
- Oh come on, that's impossible.
- Oh yeah? Watch.
- See? You touched me.
- Okay, here's your dime.
(silly music)
- Hey, ya got
anything on tonight?
- I certainly hope so.
- Dan?
- Yeah.
- They've got a new
name for the pill.
- No kidding.
- That's right.
- Would you pose
in the nude for me?
- Oh, I'm not a model.
- I'm not a painter.
- You know what you get
if you cross a slot machine
with a roulette table?
- Five years in most states.
- I had yellow fever
and scarlet fever.
I didn't feel so good, but you
could just see me for miles.
- I could never be
a successful nudist.
I keep spilling
coffee in my lap.
- I said some foolish
things to you last night.
- Yes.
- That was one of them.
- If Shirley Temple Black
had married Tyrone Power,
she would be
Shirley Black Power.
- Help, ooh, help! Ooh,
I'm being attacked by an elk,
a moose, and a lion.
Will somebody please tell
two of these fellas to go away?
(laughter)
- Did you know this is
National Motherhood Week?
- Hey, I gave at the office.
- The second half of
Rowan & Laugh's Martin
is brought to you
by... (silly music)
- You wanna try
another knock knock?
- Sure, go ahead.
- You start.
- All right. Knock knock.
- Go on.
- No, you don't understand.
Look, I'll show you.
Knock, knock.
- Who's there?
- The Bee Gees.
- Bee Gees who?
- The Bee Gees, just about
the greatest musical group
you've ever seen.
(applause)
(wind chimes ring)
Incidentally, there should
be some changes made
You've got to work if
you should have to save
An apple is a fool but
lemons never do forget
You've got to play it cool
Before they come
and throw the net
Wait a while and straighten
out the tie you wear
You've got to take
it easy if you dare
An apple is a fool but
lemons never do forget
You've got the play it cool
Before they come
and throw the net
Don't be blind You've
got a thinking mind
Stop the bells that ring so loud
Don't nod your head
you'll draw a crowd
Just think of everything
You've worked so hard to bring
The lemon sings my song
He's known it all along
Incidentally there should
be some changes made
You've got to work if
you should have to save
An apple is a fool but
lemons never do forget
You've got to play it cool
Before they come
and throw the net
Don't be blind You've
got a thinking mind
Stop the bells that ring so loud
Don't nod your head
you'll draw a crowd
Just think of everything
You've worked so hard to bring
The lemon sings my song
He's known it all along
Incidentally there should
be some changes made
You've got to work if
you should have to save
An apple is a fool but
lemons never do forget
You've got to play it cool
Before they come
and throw the net
- Be fair, chaps.
Let me get me line out,
and give me a count of five
to get back in
the tank, all right?
All right, then. And now
folks, it's sock it to me time.
- [Dan] One, two,
three-four-five.
Everything I have is yours
- Oh, ooh, ah.
Thank you!
Thank you, I appreciate it!
- What freedom means
to me, in 25 words or less,
by Henry Gibson.
It means freedom from speech
Or liberty bell And Betsy Ross
Free stolen for
the little children
And you can own your own dog
And
- How'd you like to
cheat on your husband?
- Oh, Dick. I'm not married.
- Oh, well, forget it.
(musical flourish)
- Tonight Mod, Mod World
looks at communications.
- Brothers and sisters.
Yeah - This evening's
dissertation Mm mm
- Concerns communication.
- [All] Oh.
- And our participation.
(group agrees)
- In everything that
gets the word around.
- [All] Hallelujah.
Laugh In looks at
teletype Telephones
Telegraphs Laugh
In gets a lot of laughs
From communication
Laugh In looks at Morse Code
(mumbles) jungle drums
Laugh In looks at talky chums
That's communication
Kitchen TV Radio
And ESP Blind books in braille
And of course the U.S. mail
Laugh In looks at all the news
From the north From the south
Laugh In looks at mouth to mouth
Resuscitation What
Laugh In looks at communication
(applause)
- Hey, as the
fellas just told you,
tonight's Mod Mod World
is gonna take a little look
at communications.
(beeps Morse Code)
Hey, you know about
communications, huh?
What are you doing there?
- I'm whistling.
- Oh, well no,
that's not whistling.
- I know that,
but I can't whistle,
and I like to do something.
- Yeah, do that again.
(beeps Morse Code)
- Hey, you know, you're
sending a message.
Well, one time we got a
subject you know all about.
That's communications, pal.
- I'm sending a what?
- A message, that's Morse Code.
- I'm not sending a message.
I'm saying (beeps).
- You're going with the
Morse Code like (beeps).
That's S-O-S, you
know what S-O-S is?
- Sauce.
- You really know about sauce,
but you don't know anything
about communications.
No, no, that's the Morse Code.
- Yeah?
- Oh yeah, it's
very interesting.
Hey, do you know
how communications
got started years
ago in this country?
- No, but I know how
communications got started
many years ago in this country.
- Oh good, well then
you can tell us about it.
- Okay, go ahead.
- Well, you see an Indian,
an Indian climbed up on a
mountain, very high hill, see?
And he took two sticks,
rubbed 'em together, made a fire.
Then he got a wet blanket,
he put it over the fire,
puffs of smoke came
up, and that's how
he signaled across the
hills to the other tribes.
- Why didn't he use a phone?
- Well, they didn't have
telephones in those days.
- That's what they'd
like you to believe.
- No, no, they never did.
You know where we'd be
today without telephones?
- On top of a mountain with
two sticks and a wet blanket?
- That's very probably
where we'd be,
but we don't have
to do that today.
You know people have
come to rely on telephones.
- Not me, boy.
- What do you mean not you?
Even just to cure loneliness.
You wake up in the
middle of the night,
who are you gonna talk to?
- I wake up my maid.
- Well now that's a
terrible thing to do
to a nice old woman that's
been working all day for ya,
cleaning up that
messy house of yours.
She needs her sleep.
How old is your maid?
- Nineteen.
I figured she can get up twice.
- Okay, well, why not.
- Compared to this,
my show's a sermonette.
- You know what's the
newest thing about telephones?
It's a whole big
thing of the future,
is television telephones.
- That's phonavision.
I've had that for years.
- How can you have it for years?
It hasn't been invented yet.
- That's what I said,
I've had it for years.
- Oh, you get a nice
clear picture, do you?
- I guess so.
You know every
night about midnight,
I call Sophia
Loren on the phone.
- Yeah? What do you say?
- Well I don't say anything.
I tell her, here's
what I tell her,
that I'm from Western Union,
see, and I've just slipped
a telegram under her
front door downstairs.
- Well that doesn't
make any sense.
Why do you do that?
- Oh yeah? You wanna see
Sophia Loren jumping out of bed
and bouncing down those stairs,
it'll make a little sense to ya.
- Telephone company
hears ya say that,
they're gonna pull all the
phones out of your house.
- What do I care?
- Well, how ya gonna
talk to Sophia Loren?
- I'll go up on a
mountain with two sticks
and a wet blanket.
- Speaking of wet blankets,
Mod Mod World's gonna go ahead
anyway and take a
look at communications.
(groovy music)
- What's that, senator? I
can expect a call any minute?
They finally want to
get rid of the Iron Curtain
and talk world peace?
Why, that's wonderful
news, senator.
This'll be my crowning
moment as your president.
(red phone ringing)
Hello?
Yes.
Just a minute.
It's for you.
- Hello there, mama.
Yeah.
(groovy music)
- The problems of communication
between men and women
have been made much
simpler by the use of computers
to discover the perfect couple.
In this way, computerized
dating can overcome
the everyday barriers which
exist between the sexes.
- Now, people, the ideal
date for you by the computer,
number one, number
one, and number three.
Number one and number three.
And number two and
number four. Number two?
And number four.
- Well, it's late.
- What we have here is
a failure to communicate.
(groovy music)
- Emily, it's from our daughter,
Maryanne in New York.
- Oh, it's a record.
Play it, Harvey.
Oh, Maryanne.
- I wonder what
she's got to say.
- Oh, the darling.
- [Maryanne On Record]
Hello mom, hello dad.
Mommy, daddy, I'm so scared.
A man has been
following me all day.
He's right outside
the record booth now.
He's moving towards the booth.
He's forcing the door.
(screams)
- Let's see what's
on the flip side.
(groovy music)
(red phone ringing)
- Hello? Uh, yes,
yes, this is Johnson.
Yeah, well, let
me say something.
You better watch
your step. That's right.
Just mind your own business.
That's right, and don't
call me. I'll call you.
He took that rather well.
(explosion)
It's fun to communicate
Nice to communicate
Give your world some
spice to communicate
Life's a bummer A real ho hummer
You gents and madames
To fool around like
Eves and Adams
It is a sorry state
When people don't relate
Only uptight squares
won't communicate
Worn out rajas
And far out zsa zsas
Will tell you,
darling it's great
Look at any picture
He still communicates
With many lovely
ladies in the land
Now there's computer mates
Where Jane finds Tarzan
And NBC gets Johnny Carson
She wolves communicate,
monkeys communicate
Here Mae West at
rest can communicate
All great figures
can hit that trigger
Like Freud, say
why should you wait
Sigmund sang out,
let it all hang out
Communicate
Look at Lizzy Taylor
She can communicate
With lots more men
than any girl around
If we've been sleeping late
Please stop our snorin'
And wake us for Sophia Loren
Reagan communicates
Humphrey communicates
LBJ, they say,
still communicates
Mad musicians and politicians
Have had the world on a plate
Lonesome roamers
act like Casanovas
If you're not mine,
call me on my hotline
When you're gloomy,
baby sock it to me
And we'll communi...
Communicate (applause)
- (whispers) Now tell her.
- She's in there.
- I know it.
- Hey Judy?
- Yeah?
- It's time for your
sock it to me line.
- [Judy] I'll sock it to you!
- Very interesting. About time.
- I wouldn't touch that
one with a 10-foot pole.
Maybe an eight-foot Hungarian.
- Dear Aggie, I am a
young, attractive girl
with a 42, 26, 36
figure, but no boyfriends.
How can I make an impression
on men? Signed, lonely.
- Dear lonely, have you
tried a crowded elevator?
- Continuing with
brevity as our theme,
it was announced recently
that a much shorter marriage
ceremony is now permitted
by some denominations.
Now this might lead
to some confusion.
- Smile.
- What?
- I said, smile.
- Well what have I
got to smile about?
- Because newlyweds
are expected to smile.
And whether you were
to blame, Margaret,
or whether I was to blame,
we are now a pair of newlyweds,
so smile!
- Well it's not my
fault we're married.
- Well it's not
my fault, either.
I didn't ask to be best
man at this wedding.
- Now that's beside the point.
You agreed to be best man,
therefore you should have
done it properly and
stood on Arnold's right.
- He said to stand on his left.
- Now the best man always
stands on the groom's right.
- They why did he say left?
- Because he's
left-handed, that's why.
- I still think it was
your father's fault.
If he had brought you
down the other side.
- Oh charming, then you'd
have married my father.
- No, if he had brought
you down Arnold's right.
- Then Arnold would've
married my father.
- Why didn't Arnold say
something? The dumb-dumb.
- Oh, you wouldn't
say that if he were here.
- He is here.
- Hi.
- Oh, Arnold.
- Hello, Margaret.
- Well aren't you
gonna say something?
- Oh, yes of course.
Congratulations.
- Is that all?
- No, no, no, I hope you'll
both be very happy together.
But Harry, how are you ever
gonna explain this to your wife?
- Smile.
- Meanwhile, back
at the program.
- And they call this
beauty the spoiler.
- Hey.
- Oh, sorry my dear. I
thought you were my sister.
- You fool, I am your sister.
I see your face before me
(screams)
- Is that a chicken boa?
- May I have this dance?
- Well, I'm a little
stiff from bowling.
- I don't care where
you're from. Let's dance.
(silly music)
- And now, ladies and
gentlemen, here's a regular
Laugh In feature we
like to call "pot-pouree."
- Hey, er, hold it Flip.
Dick's supposed to do that.
- You don't mind if I
grab the (mumbles).
I like the sound of pot-pouree.
- Well, in the first
place it's not pot-pouree.
- It isn't pronounced
pot-pouree?
- No, it's not
pot-pouree, it's potpourri.
- Well the heck
with it. Let Dick do it.
- Heck with them, baby.
- Who was that?
- I don't know. Go ahead.
- And now, ladies and
gentlemen, here's a regular feature
of Laugh In we like
to call pot-pouree.
- Oh, for...
- Hello.
I'd like to buy a bowl for my
doggie to drink water out of.
- How 'bout this, madame?
- Oh! That's perfect.
- Yes, and if you like, you
can have your doggie's name
put on the bowl.
- Oh, no, that
won't be necessary.
You see, my doggie can't read.
And my husband
doesn't drink water.
- I came to take my
literacy voting test.
- I see.
Now boy, you know
that you gotta get
a hundred percent on this
test before you can vote.
- I know it, I know it.
- Okay, that's good.
Now, first question boy,
what does oxygen mean?
- It means air. Nothin' but air.
- That's right. Now,
what does bacteria mean?
- That means germs.
- That's very good, very good.
Er, what does
aurora borealis mean?
- Uh, that means that I
ain't gonna get to vote.
- Very interesting.
- I have a confession to make.
I knew the moment
we started to dance
that you were the
girl of my dreams.
Those eyes behind your mask.
- And you're so
strong. I feel it, too.
I know we belong to each other.
- Will you be mine forever?
- I will, I will.
- Then let's take off our masks.
- Bye, baby.
- There are ugly
people out there.
But they're spread out.
- Henry! Henry, are you still
working on that stupid thing?
It'll never work.
You're a hopeless
failure, a pitiful dreamer,
and a weak-kneed ineffectual.
Now hurry up and make it
snappy and get ready for dinner.
It's almost ready.
(clockwork key clicks)
- Why do you put up
with that witch, you fool?
You're a spineless
failure, a hopeless dreamer,
afraid of your own shadow,
and you're a shell of a man.
- It was recently learned
that the underground terms
for marijuana such as
Acapulco Gold, Panama Red,
terms you wouldn't
be familiar with.
- No.
- Have already been
registered as trade names
for a cigarette of the future.
- You're kidding?
- That's right.
Now if the forbidden
weed ever becomes legal,
well Laugh In takes a
very concerned look ahead.
- I guess so.
- Hey, I'd like to get a
pack of Acapulco Golds.
- Me, too. I'll go with ya.
- No, you're the
guy who sells them.
- You sure?
- Pretty sure.
- Okay.
- Well, so can I have it?
- Have what?
- A pack of Acapulco Golds.
- I ain't got none left.
- You sold 'em all?
- I guess I smoked 'em
all. I ain't got none left.
- Oh.
Wait a minute, I have some.
- Thank you.
- Come in again.
- Hey. I'd like to buy a
pack of Acapulco Golds.
- We don't have anymore.
- Oh.
- No more Golds.
- Okay. Here's your change.
- Thank you.
(upbeat music)
(silly music)
- Well Dick, it's time
to say good night.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Who's Dick?
Who's Dan?
Who am I?
Who are y'all?
- Listen, you know gang, if
you can be around next week,
you're really gonna
enjoy yourself.
- I wonder if you'd
mind if I said something
my aunt said to me
about three weeks ago.
- Oh, I'd love to hear
it but we're out of time.
Next week, you're gonna...
- She was caught in
a phone booth with an
Australian fruit fly salesman
and they were stuck
there for three weeks
with 150 Harry
Belafonte records.
- Well, but that's
not what's up.
Next week, what
you're going to have...
- I thought what she said
when she came out
of the phone booth
might be of interest
to the people.
- Came out of the phone
booth from the fruit fly salesman
with, yeah, what did she say?
- Ah, well, she
picked up one of the
Harry Belafonte album
covers and showed it,
I can't tell ya.
- Say good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, everybody.
Hope you had a good time.
- I want to kiss and hug
you in the worst way.
- Well, how 'bout
standing up in a canoe.
- As that great Italian
philosopher Valicelli once said,
(speaking foreign language)
Here comes-a the judge.
- Do you know what you
get if you cross an orange
with a cactus?
- Spiked orange juice.
- I got a new car for my wife.
- Gee, I wonder what
I can get for mine.
- How about a nice chicken?
- My girl Rose, my girl Rose,
my girl sat on a
tack, my girl rose.
- Why does a chicken
cross the road?
- Why? Is one missing?
- Now, see, there's
another chicken joke.
- If Mary Tyler Moore
married William Wyler,
she'd be Mary Tyler Wyler.
- When I went skiing, I
broke my leg in two places.
Once at the top of the
hill, and once at the bottom.
- I'm just an average
American girl.
- If she's average, I've
been going out with boys.
- Dan?
- Yeah.
- I just crossed a black
widow spider with a horse.
- What did you get?
- I don't know,
but if it bites ya,
you can ride it to the hospital.
- I was born in Chicago.
- Ooh, before the fire?
- No, behind the piano.
- Well, the doctor said to
me, take off your clothes.
- Oh, what's wrong with that?
- You kidding? I'm his nurse.
- What goes, step,
step, step, clump?
Step, step, step, clump?
- What?
- A centipede with a wooden leg.
- Don Adams,
your shoe is ringing.
- Which general
wears the biggest hat?
- Oh silly, the one
with the biggest head.
- I always say a man who
hates animals and small children
can't be all bad.
My mother's eyes
(operatic vocalizations)
(laughter)
- Very interesting.
But grotesque, ick.
- This program
was recorded earlier
because there were ladies
waiting at Dick Martin's house.
(one person clapping)
following program
is brought to you in
living color on NBC.
- In spite of the fact
today is April Fool's Day,
the producers of Laugh In
have asked me to announce
we will do our regular show.
Therefore we feel that...
(laughter)
After all, you're
probably as sick as I am
of practical jokes by now.
Therefore, the preceding
was unrehearsed,
uncalled for, and...
Moving along musically now.
- Bly me, they really
socked it to him.
- Who knows what evil lurks in
the hearts and minds of men?
The Shadow do.
- Ha ha ha.
- You know this show
may bring back radio?
- I find if you put both hands
over your ears and scream,
it helps a lot.
- And now, and now,
direct from the launching pad
in the Off Limits Motel here in
beautiful downtown Burbank,
NBC proudly presents
Rowan & Martin's Laugh In.
(applause)
Starring Dan Rowan
and Dick Martin,
with guest stars Barbara Feldon,
Judy Carne, Artie
Duncan, the Bee Gees,
and Flip Wilson.
With Ruth Buzzy, Goldie
Hawn, Henry Gibson,
Larry Hovis,
Roddy Maude-Roxby,
Joanne Worley, yours
truly, Gary Owens,
and Morgul as
the friendly Drelb.
- Nice program.
It's brought to you by all
the fun-filled inmates at, two.
(groovy music)
- And now for a change of pace,
here's the serious portion
of tonight's program.
Coming out of
retirement, Dan Rowan
and the spine-tingling
Dick Martin.
(applause)
- Thank you. Good evening.
Well, it's nice to see all
your happy, smiling faces
out there tonight.
- Sure is. How come they
don't turn around and face us?
- No, no, they're turned
around. Good looking group.
You feel pretty good tonight.
- That's what I hear.
- Yeah, I heard
something about that.
I think we're gonna have
a lot of fun here tonight.
- You bet your
sweet bippy we are.
- Hey, let's tell
the folks at home
who's on the show tonight.
- Before we do that, we
don't we just tell the folks
who's on the show tonight?
- All right, go ahead.
What are you doing?
- You said go ahead.
- Listen before we go...
- Is that a slap point?
- No, no, we'll tell ya
when you got a slap point.
But before we talk about
who's on the show tonight,
there's something, just before
you start with that nonsense.
Now every week you
talk about some superstar
who isn't here, some
big movie star name,
just to get the folks at home
to stay tuned to the show.
Now, it's not fair and I'd
like you not to do it anymore.
- I'm very sorry and I
happen to agree with you
and it's a bad thing
that I've fallen into
and I won't ever do it again.
- Oh, wonderful.
- Thank you.
I was telling that to Steve
McQueen out in the hallway.
(laughter)
- All right.
You know Steve
McQueen's not here
and I don't want you
to mention his name.
- You can go home, Steve,
Dan doesn't want
anything to do with ya.
(laughter)
- All right.
- He always spoke
very well of you.
- Well listen, I'm a
big fan of McQueen's,
but he's not here.
But if you want to
get down to cases,
I'll tell you who's
here, Barbara Feldon.
- I'll get down to case with
Barbara Feldon any day.
- You really like
her, don't you?
- She's beautiful.
- Yeah, a lovely figure.
- Don't tell me, I got a
life-size statue of her at home.
- I kinda doubt that.
- How come they charged
me for a double room, then?
(laughter)
- Why, er...
- Think about that.
- You can't dwell
on him too long.
You know Flip
Wilson's here tonight.
- Oh, groovy. I dig
Flip, he's wonderful.
- Yeah, he's great.
- I can't wait to see him.
- Well, he's probably
at the party right now,
along with the rest of the gang.
- Ah, great bunch of cuckoos.
Especially that parson.
- He may be the only one
who's not at the party tonight.
- How come?
- Well, he said something
about tending his flock.
- Poor guy, never has any fun.
Always tending his flock.
- Yeah.
- Come on, let's go to
the party with the Parson
and his flock.
- No, no, that's his niece.
(applause)
(groovy music)
- It's not that I wanted
to work for the CIA,
it's just that I still had
family in Washington.
(laughter)
- I'll tell ya how I felt
about that garbage strike
in New York City.
I don't know which
smelled worse,
the strike or the settlement.
(laughter)
- Yeah, I've known old Nixon
since before he
went into politics.
That'd be a week
ago last Wednesday.
(laughter)
- I fear for the separation
of church and state.
General Hersey just called
up the Salvation Army.
(laughter)
- It was incredible.
Last night at the movies
I had to change my seat
four times before
somebody bothered me.
(laughter)
- I dreamed about
you last night.
- You did?
- I want to thank you
for a wonderful evening.
- If the dromedary is
not but a common camel,
the alligator is just a crock,
according to the Maharishi.
(laughter)
- Why is it so few American
homes have an original bidet?
- Well, they're not
as popular as Picasso
and they're much tougher
to hang on the wall.
(laughter)
- If it comes down to
Nixon and Johnson,
well we Texans are gonna
go all out for Johnson.
See, he's better for tourism.
(laughter)
- Boris says the
elections in South Vietnam
were so successful that LBJ
is thinking of running there.
(laughter)
- When you sin, you
must ask forgiveness
and expect to do penance.
But you don't
say, sock it to me.
(laughter)
- The student that makes
trouble for the scribe
is not but a pain in the class,
according to the Maharishi.
(laughter)
- Boy, those Rockefeller
brothers sure got it figured out.
Nelson settles the strikes
and Winthrop knows
where the bodies are buried.
(laughter)
- I'm a MacDonald.
- Oh, I always eat
your hamburgers.
- No, no, lass, I mean
the MacDonald clan.
- Someone mention the
Klan? Feet, do your duty.
(applause)
- [Group] Sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock it to me.
- [Judy] And now folks,
it's sock it to me time.
- No, we can't hear you, Judy.
- It's not clear at all.
- No, you're gonna
have to come out, Judy.
- [Judy] Well if I come out,
will you promise not to
hit me with any water?
Either of you.
- We promise.
- We promise.
- And now folks, it's...
Charming, charming.
- No, no...
- No, it's lovely. I'm amused.
- It wasn't us.
(silly music)
For I'm
Falling
In love with someone
Wait and see
I'm falling
In love with someone
(musical flourish)
- Now it's new talent
time on Laugh In
when we bring you the
stars of tomorrow, today,
from all over the world.
(musical flourish)
- Band from hunger.
- You just don't seem to
care much for the band.
- Oh, they're wonderful guys.
Lousy musicians,
but wonderful guys.
- Speaking of camels.
- Speaking of camels?
- Yeah, I got a
goody for ya tonight.
- Well, I hope so.
- Yup, a dancing camel.
- A dancing camel?
- You ever seen a dancing camel?
- I don't think so.
- Very different, too. This
camel has two humps.
- I'll drink to that. (laughter)
- Very few camels
have two humps.
- That's what the rumor is.
- Yup.
Just wait 'till you
see her dance.
- She dances, too?
- Oh, really moves around.
- I guess if I had two
humps, I would, too.
(laughter)
- Are you ready?
- I can hardly wait.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
just simmer down,
for the first time
on television.
- Laugh In presents a
double-hump dromedary.
- Hey, well done.
(applause)
(dance music)
(applause)
- How'd you like
that dancing camel?
- I'm not too sure
about that last one.
- Oh, it's a good one.
- Hey, I got one for you.
- Tell me about it.
- Well just about one
of the foremost singers
in the world today.
- Really, what does she do?
- I don't know.
- Well, I can hardly
wait to hear her.
- Neither can I.
- Why don't you bring her out?
- No, why don't we
have her sing first?
- All right, instead
of bringing her out,
let's do it your way.
- All right, ladies and
gentlemen a cultural moment
as Laugh In presents the
internationally known opera star,
Miss Snookie Lanson.
- Miss Snookie Lanson?
- You'll feel a lot better
about it when you hear her.
(applause)
(laughs in tune to opera music)
(applause)
- Sure, there ya are.
- That's our new
talent for tonight.
- Yeah, we've been
asked to announce that
transportation for
tonight's contestants
was not provided
by a major airline.
Accommodations for
them were not furnished
by a leading hotel,
and automobiles for
them were not provided
by either number
one or number two.
- And the leading network
has asked us to announce,
asked what?
- Has asked us to announce.
- Asked us to announce that
they were not even on the show.
- That's right.
- Plug, plug, plug.
Definitely plug, payoff, payoff.
Plug, boos, boos, I'm
gonna get boos for that.
- Tomorrow in beautiful
downtown Burbank,
look for smog, heavy rain,
and continued good weather.
- Psst.
- What?
- Hey buddy, your man is open.
- Dear Aggie, five nights a
week my husband gets home
long after midnight
with lipstick on his collar,
liquor on his breath, and
nothing in his pockets.
Do you think he's cheating
on me? Signed, frustrated.
Dear frustrated, if he's
getting home in that condition
only five nights a week,
he's cheating on both of us.
- How'd you make
all that money in Italy?
- Oh, it was very simple.
I sold periscopes to
street walkers in Venice.
- Very interesting.
- Good evening. We're
very proud of our police force.
We say you can't beat
our police. You really can't.
If you do beat our police,
technically speaking,
it's assaulting an officer.
And we can beat you for
that. We'll beat you in the end.
- And now folks, it's
sock it to me time.
Ha, ha, I didn't get wet.
(musical flourish)
- Enough of this
light-hearted shilly-shallying.
Here is the Rowan &
Martin Laugh In news report
of the past,
present, and future.
What's the news
across the nation
We have got the information
In a way we hope will amuse you
We just love to
give you our views
La la la la ladies and gents
Laugh In looks at
the news Here's Dan
(applause)
- And now here's the
man to whom the news
wouldn't be the news
without the news.
- Here's Dickie.
(theme from "The Tonight Show")
- Oh boy.
May the good fairy,
that's all, may the good fairy.
Now for the news of the present.
Howard Hughes bought the
Las Vegas Playboy Club today
and immediately ordered the
bunnies to work harder or else.
Three bunnies
decided to work harder.
The other 47
decided to try, or else.
In assessing the
current political scene,
Governor George
Romney said today,
if nominated, I will not run.
If elected, I will not serve,
due to circumstances
beyond my control.
And now here's the final item.
Today in Paris, sex
symbol Brigitte Bardot
allowed the press
to photograph her
taking a bath in goat's milk.
Miss Bardot has
always looked beautiful
but the goat
seemed rather tired.
And now, here's Goldie.
- And now with the
news of the future,
here is Dan Rowan and
the news 20 years from now,
in the future.
- Washington, D.C., 1988.
In this election year,
the latest Gallup poll
shows the Republicans
now control 12 states.
The Democrats control 14 states,
and the Viet Cong
control the rest.
Hearing the news, Ho
Chi Minh said, once again,
he will go anywhere at any time
to discuss an
honorable withdrawal.
Beverly Hills, 1988.
Hemlines, which have been
rising for the past 20 years
continued to rise today
as fashion designer
Rudy Gernreich introduced
his turtle-neck skirt.
Just think about
it for a minute.
1988, the United Nations
today called off World War 13
when the entire general assembly
agreed it would be bad luck.
They voted overwhelmingly
to go directly to World War 14.
The vote was two to one.
- And now let's
take you to our man
in the land of tomorrow.
Take it away, man.
- Well, here we are in 1988
and the United States
is still missing H-bombs.
Yesterday they lost six more
and so we take you
to the United Nations
where a special emergency
session has been called.
- Gentlemen, I cannot
overstate the critical nature
of this emergency.
The chair gratefully
acknowledges the presence
of the delegates from France,
Ireland, Germany, Egypt,
and, er...
- Pollend.
- Poland.
- Pollend, Pollend.
- Pollend.
- Did you hear, did you
hear about the Polish guy
that went to the
hospital and... (laughs)
- Gentlemen!
Gentlemen, gentlemen,
the people vote,
gentlemen?
Did you hear about the
Polish man who found
six American H-bombs?
- [Dan] No, no, how does it go?
- Bang.
(laughter)
Gentlemen, I just want to know,
am I right in assuming that
whoever finds these H-bombs,
belongs them?
- [All] Right, right, right.
- And any power that
owns these H-bombs
would become a nuclear power?
- [All] Right, right, right.
- Perfect. That's
all I wanted to know.
- You, er, you mean?
- Right, right, right.
Yes, gentlemen, we
founded the missing H-bombs
and as of this moment,
Poland is a nuclear power.
Which reminds me of
a German joke I heard.
(laughter)
Did you hear about the
world's shortest book?
Four Hundred Years
of German Humor.
(laughter)
Did you hear how the
(mumbles) got shot?
He was standing behind
an Egyptian sharp shooter.
(laughter)
I hear that the three
smelliest cheeses in France
are Roquefort,
Camembert, and De Gaulle.
(laughter)
- Ah, gentlemen,
gentlemen, please.
How do we know the
distinguished delegate
actually has found those bombs?
- I was expecting
someone to ask me that.
(hums)
You see, you make
fun of the Polish people,
and now we have a chance
to be as powerful as you
and we are not going to blow it!
(explosion)
(applause)
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
- And now, here's another
Laugh In news extra.
Take it away Dan Rowan.
- We're indeed
privileged to have with us
this year's Planned
Parenthood poster girl.
May I ask how you
won this great honor?
- All of us girls were
judged by our talents.
- In other words, your
talent won for you the title
of Miss Planned Parenthood?
- You know it.
- Yes, do you really
plan parenthood?
- Do we ever.
- Have regular meetings?
- Well, as often as we can.
- Really?
- Uh-huh. Sometimes
the meetings last all night.
- You don't object to
parents having one child?
- Oh no, everyone's
entitled to make a mistake
at least once.
- Well, what's the first
thing you suggest to a young,
married couple?
- Separate honeymoons.
- You feel that does the trick?
- No, we feel that
doesn't do the trick.
(laughter)
- Tell me, how do you
Planned Parenthood people
feel about the pill?
- Say that again.
- The pill?
- That's music to my ears.
- Well, you're in favor
of the pill, I take it?
- You do? Goody for you,
and don't you miss a day.
- Yes. Well, you feel the
pill has replaced willpower.
- No, we feel the pill
has replaced won't power.
- I don't get it.
- Poor baby.
- Well, I see our time is running
out, maybe none too soon.
- Maybe we could get
together after the show.
I have some ideas
that might interest you.
- Yes, well thank you very
much. I know that you...
- I'll just wait for you
outside in my car.
- Yes, it certainly has been
pleasant talking with you.
- You can't miss my car.
It's the one right
next to yours.
- We're going to take
you back to our studios.
Next to mine? Mine's
home in the garage.
- I know, sweetie, I know.
- Shocking. But
very interesting.
- In just a moment,
the Catholic hour.
But first, this important word.
- Bingo!
- The annual
installation of new offices
of the Women's Christian
Temperance Union
will be held at the
Waymore Hotel April 23rd.
Oh, by the way,
bring your own bottle.
There are fairies in
the bottom of my garden
(laughs)
- Hey, I bet you a dime I can
kiss you without touching you.
- Oh come on, that's impossible.
- Oh yeah? Watch.
- See? You touched me.
- Okay, here's your dime.
(silly music)
- Hey, ya got
anything on tonight?
- I certainly hope so.
- Dan?
- Yeah.
- They've got a new
name for the pill.
- No kidding.
- That's right.
- Would you pose
in the nude for me?
- Oh, I'm not a model.
- I'm not a painter.
- You know what you get
if you cross a slot machine
with a roulette table?
- Five years in most states.
- I had yellow fever
and scarlet fever.
I didn't feel so good, but you
could just see me for miles.
- I could never be
a successful nudist.
I keep spilling
coffee in my lap.
- I said some foolish
things to you last night.
- Yes.
- That was one of them.
- If Shirley Temple Black
had married Tyrone Power,
she would be
Shirley Black Power.
- Help, ooh, help! Ooh,
I'm being attacked by an elk,
a moose, and a lion.
Will somebody please tell
two of these fellas to go away?
(laughter)
- Did you know this is
National Motherhood Week?
- Hey, I gave at the office.
- The second half of
Rowan & Laugh's Martin
is brought to you
by... (silly music)
- You wanna try
another knock knock?
- Sure, go ahead.
- You start.
- All right. Knock knock.
- Go on.
- No, you don't understand.
Look, I'll show you.
Knock, knock.
- Who's there?
- The Bee Gees.
- Bee Gees who?
- The Bee Gees, just about
the greatest musical group
you've ever seen.
(applause)
(wind chimes ring)
Incidentally, there should
be some changes made
You've got to work if
you should have to save
An apple is a fool but
lemons never do forget
You've got to play it cool
Before they come
and throw the net
Wait a while and straighten
out the tie you wear
You've got to take
it easy if you dare
An apple is a fool but
lemons never do forget
You've got the play it cool
Before they come
and throw the net
Don't be blind You've
got a thinking mind
Stop the bells that ring so loud
Don't nod your head
you'll draw a crowd
Just think of everything
You've worked so hard to bring
The lemon sings my song
He's known it all along
Incidentally there should
be some changes made
You've got to work if
you should have to save
An apple is a fool but
lemons never do forget
You've got to play it cool
Before they come
and throw the net
Don't be blind You've
got a thinking mind
Stop the bells that ring so loud
Don't nod your head
you'll draw a crowd
Just think of everything
You've worked so hard to bring
The lemon sings my song
He's known it all along
Incidentally there should
be some changes made
You've got to work if
you should have to save
An apple is a fool but
lemons never do forget
You've got to play it cool
Before they come
and throw the net
- Be fair, chaps.
Let me get me line out,
and give me a count of five
to get back in
the tank, all right?
All right, then. And now
folks, it's sock it to me time.
- [Dan] One, two,
three-four-five.
Everything I have is yours
- Oh, ooh, ah.
Thank you!
Thank you, I appreciate it!
- What freedom means
to me, in 25 words or less,
by Henry Gibson.
It means freedom from speech
Or liberty bell And Betsy Ross
Free stolen for
the little children
And you can own your own dog
And
- How'd you like to
cheat on your husband?
- Oh, Dick. I'm not married.
- Oh, well, forget it.
(musical flourish)
- Tonight Mod, Mod World
looks at communications.
- Brothers and sisters.
Yeah - This evening's
dissertation Mm mm
- Concerns communication.
- [All] Oh.
- And our participation.
(group agrees)
- In everything that
gets the word around.
- [All] Hallelujah.
Laugh In looks at
teletype Telephones
Telegraphs Laugh
In gets a lot of laughs
From communication
Laugh In looks at Morse Code
(mumbles) jungle drums
Laugh In looks at talky chums
That's communication
Kitchen TV Radio
And ESP Blind books in braille
And of course the U.S. mail
Laugh In looks at all the news
From the north From the south
Laugh In looks at mouth to mouth
Resuscitation What
Laugh In looks at communication
(applause)
- Hey, as the
fellas just told you,
tonight's Mod Mod World
is gonna take a little look
at communications.
(beeps Morse Code)
Hey, you know about
communications, huh?
What are you doing there?
- I'm whistling.
- Oh, well no,
that's not whistling.
- I know that,
but I can't whistle,
and I like to do something.
- Yeah, do that again.
(beeps Morse Code)
- Hey, you know, you're
sending a message.
Well, one time we got a
subject you know all about.
That's communications, pal.
- I'm sending a what?
- A message, that's Morse Code.
- I'm not sending a message.
I'm saying (beeps).
- You're going with the
Morse Code like (beeps).
That's S-O-S, you
know what S-O-S is?
- Sauce.
- You really know about sauce,
but you don't know anything
about communications.
No, no, that's the Morse Code.
- Yeah?
- Oh yeah, it's
very interesting.
Hey, do you know
how communications
got started years
ago in this country?
- No, but I know how
communications got started
many years ago in this country.
- Oh good, well then
you can tell us about it.
- Okay, go ahead.
- Well, you see an Indian,
an Indian climbed up on a
mountain, very high hill, see?
And he took two sticks,
rubbed 'em together, made a fire.
Then he got a wet blanket,
he put it over the fire,
puffs of smoke came
up, and that's how
he signaled across the
hills to the other tribes.
- Why didn't he use a phone?
- Well, they didn't have
telephones in those days.
- That's what they'd
like you to believe.
- No, no, they never did.
You know where we'd be
today without telephones?
- On top of a mountain with
two sticks and a wet blanket?
- That's very probably
where we'd be,
but we don't have
to do that today.
You know people have
come to rely on telephones.
- Not me, boy.
- What do you mean not you?
Even just to cure loneliness.
You wake up in the
middle of the night,
who are you gonna talk to?
- I wake up my maid.
- Well now that's a
terrible thing to do
to a nice old woman that's
been working all day for ya,
cleaning up that
messy house of yours.
She needs her sleep.
How old is your maid?
- Nineteen.
I figured she can get up twice.
- Okay, well, why not.
- Compared to this,
my show's a sermonette.
- You know what's the
newest thing about telephones?
It's a whole big
thing of the future,
is television telephones.
- That's phonavision.
I've had that for years.
- How can you have it for years?
It hasn't been invented yet.
- That's what I said,
I've had it for years.
- Oh, you get a nice
clear picture, do you?
- I guess so.
You know every
night about midnight,
I call Sophia
Loren on the phone.
- Yeah? What do you say?
- Well I don't say anything.
I tell her, here's
what I tell her,
that I'm from Western Union,
see, and I've just slipped
a telegram under her
front door downstairs.
- Well that doesn't
make any sense.
Why do you do that?
- Oh yeah? You wanna see
Sophia Loren jumping out of bed
and bouncing down those stairs,
it'll make a little sense to ya.
- Telephone company
hears ya say that,
they're gonna pull all the
phones out of your house.
- What do I care?
- Well, how ya gonna
talk to Sophia Loren?
- I'll go up on a
mountain with two sticks
and a wet blanket.
- Speaking of wet blankets,
Mod Mod World's gonna go ahead
anyway and take a
look at communications.
(groovy music)
- What's that, senator? I
can expect a call any minute?
They finally want to
get rid of the Iron Curtain
and talk world peace?
Why, that's wonderful
news, senator.
This'll be my crowning
moment as your president.
(red phone ringing)
Hello?
Yes.
Just a minute.
It's for you.
- Hello there, mama.
Yeah.
(groovy music)
- The problems of communication
between men and women
have been made much
simpler by the use of computers
to discover the perfect couple.
In this way, computerized
dating can overcome
the everyday barriers which
exist between the sexes.
- Now, people, the ideal
date for you by the computer,
number one, number
one, and number three.
Number one and number three.
And number two and
number four. Number two?
And number four.
- Well, it's late.
- What we have here is
a failure to communicate.
(groovy music)
- Emily, it's from our daughter,
Maryanne in New York.
- Oh, it's a record.
Play it, Harvey.
Oh, Maryanne.
- I wonder what
she's got to say.
- Oh, the darling.
- [Maryanne On Record]
Hello mom, hello dad.
Mommy, daddy, I'm so scared.
A man has been
following me all day.
He's right outside
the record booth now.
He's moving towards the booth.
He's forcing the door.
(screams)
- Let's see what's
on the flip side.
(groovy music)
(red phone ringing)
- Hello? Uh, yes,
yes, this is Johnson.
Yeah, well, let
me say something.
You better watch
your step. That's right.
Just mind your own business.
That's right, and don't
call me. I'll call you.
He took that rather well.
(explosion)
It's fun to communicate
Nice to communicate
Give your world some
spice to communicate
Life's a bummer A real ho hummer
You gents and madames
To fool around like
Eves and Adams
It is a sorry state
When people don't relate
Only uptight squares
won't communicate
Worn out rajas
And far out zsa zsas
Will tell you,
darling it's great
Look at any picture
He still communicates
With many lovely
ladies in the land
Now there's computer mates
Where Jane finds Tarzan
And NBC gets Johnny Carson
She wolves communicate,
monkeys communicate
Here Mae West at
rest can communicate
All great figures
can hit that trigger
Like Freud, say
why should you wait
Sigmund sang out,
let it all hang out
Communicate
Look at Lizzy Taylor
She can communicate
With lots more men
than any girl around
If we've been sleeping late
Please stop our snorin'
And wake us for Sophia Loren
Reagan communicates
Humphrey communicates
LBJ, they say,
still communicates
Mad musicians and politicians
Have had the world on a plate
Lonesome roamers
act like Casanovas
If you're not mine,
call me on my hotline
When you're gloomy,
baby sock it to me
And we'll communi...
Communicate (applause)
- (whispers) Now tell her.
- She's in there.
- I know it.
- Hey Judy?
- Yeah?
- It's time for your
sock it to me line.
- [Judy] I'll sock it to you!
- Very interesting. About time.
- I wouldn't touch that
one with a 10-foot pole.
Maybe an eight-foot Hungarian.
- Dear Aggie, I am a
young, attractive girl
with a 42, 26, 36
figure, but no boyfriends.
How can I make an impression
on men? Signed, lonely.
- Dear lonely, have you
tried a crowded elevator?
- Continuing with
brevity as our theme,
it was announced recently
that a much shorter marriage
ceremony is now permitted
by some denominations.
Now this might lead
to some confusion.
- Smile.
- What?
- I said, smile.
- Well what have I
got to smile about?
- Because newlyweds
are expected to smile.
And whether you were
to blame, Margaret,
or whether I was to blame,
we are now a pair of newlyweds,
so smile!
- Well it's not my
fault we're married.
- Well it's not
my fault, either.
I didn't ask to be best
man at this wedding.
- Now that's beside the point.
You agreed to be best man,
therefore you should have
done it properly and
stood on Arnold's right.
- He said to stand on his left.
- Now the best man always
stands on the groom's right.
- They why did he say left?
- Because he's
left-handed, that's why.
- I still think it was
your father's fault.
If he had brought you
down the other side.
- Oh charming, then you'd
have married my father.
- No, if he had brought
you down Arnold's right.
- Then Arnold would've
married my father.
- Why didn't Arnold say
something? The dumb-dumb.
- Oh, you wouldn't
say that if he were here.
- He is here.
- Hi.
- Oh, Arnold.
- Hello, Margaret.
- Well aren't you
gonna say something?
- Oh, yes of course.
Congratulations.
- Is that all?
- No, no, no, I hope you'll
both be very happy together.
But Harry, how are you ever
gonna explain this to your wife?
- Smile.
- Meanwhile, back
at the program.
- And they call this
beauty the spoiler.
- Hey.
- Oh, sorry my dear. I
thought you were my sister.
- You fool, I am your sister.
I see your face before me
(screams)
- Is that a chicken boa?
- May I have this dance?
- Well, I'm a little
stiff from bowling.
- I don't care where
you're from. Let's dance.
(silly music)
- And now, ladies and
gentlemen, here's a regular
Laugh In feature we
like to call "pot-pouree."
- Hey, er, hold it Flip.
Dick's supposed to do that.
- You don't mind if I
grab the (mumbles).
I like the sound of pot-pouree.
- Well, in the first
place it's not pot-pouree.
- It isn't pronounced
pot-pouree?
- No, it's not
pot-pouree, it's potpourri.
- Well the heck
with it. Let Dick do it.
- Heck with them, baby.
- Who was that?
- I don't know. Go ahead.
- And now, ladies and
gentlemen, here's a regular feature
of Laugh In we like
to call pot-pouree.
- Oh, for...
- Hello.
I'd like to buy a bowl for my
doggie to drink water out of.
- How 'bout this, madame?
- Oh! That's perfect.
- Yes, and if you like, you
can have your doggie's name
put on the bowl.
- Oh, no, that
won't be necessary.
You see, my doggie can't read.
And my husband
doesn't drink water.
- I came to take my
literacy voting test.
- I see.
Now boy, you know
that you gotta get
a hundred percent on this
test before you can vote.
- I know it, I know it.
- Okay, that's good.
Now, first question boy,
what does oxygen mean?
- It means air. Nothin' but air.
- That's right. Now,
what does bacteria mean?
- That means germs.
- That's very good, very good.
Er, what does
aurora borealis mean?
- Uh, that means that I
ain't gonna get to vote.
- Very interesting.
- I have a confession to make.
I knew the moment
we started to dance
that you were the
girl of my dreams.
Those eyes behind your mask.
- And you're so
strong. I feel it, too.
I know we belong to each other.
- Will you be mine forever?
- I will, I will.
- Then let's take off our masks.
- Bye, baby.
- There are ugly
people out there.
But they're spread out.
- Henry! Henry, are you still
working on that stupid thing?
It'll never work.
You're a hopeless
failure, a pitiful dreamer,
and a weak-kneed ineffectual.
Now hurry up and make it
snappy and get ready for dinner.
It's almost ready.
(clockwork key clicks)
- Why do you put up
with that witch, you fool?
You're a spineless
failure, a hopeless dreamer,
afraid of your own shadow,
and you're a shell of a man.
- It was recently learned
that the underground terms
for marijuana such as
Acapulco Gold, Panama Red,
terms you wouldn't
be familiar with.
- No.
- Have already been
registered as trade names
for a cigarette of the future.
- You're kidding?
- That's right.
Now if the forbidden
weed ever becomes legal,
well Laugh In takes a
very concerned look ahead.
- I guess so.
- Hey, I'd like to get a
pack of Acapulco Golds.
- Me, too. I'll go with ya.
- No, you're the
guy who sells them.
- You sure?
- Pretty sure.
- Okay.
- Well, so can I have it?
- Have what?
- A pack of Acapulco Golds.
- I ain't got none left.
- You sold 'em all?
- I guess I smoked 'em
all. I ain't got none left.
- Oh.
Wait a minute, I have some.
- Thank you.
- Come in again.
- Hey. I'd like to buy a
pack of Acapulco Golds.
- We don't have anymore.
- Oh.
- No more Golds.
- Okay. Here's your change.
- Thank you.
(upbeat music)
(silly music)
- Well Dick, it's time
to say good night.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Who's Dick?
Who's Dan?
Who am I?
Who are y'all?
- Listen, you know gang, if
you can be around next week,
you're really gonna
enjoy yourself.
- I wonder if you'd
mind if I said something
my aunt said to me
about three weeks ago.
- Oh, I'd love to hear
it but we're out of time.
Next week, you're gonna...
- She was caught in
a phone booth with an
Australian fruit fly salesman
and they were stuck
there for three weeks
with 150 Harry
Belafonte records.
- Well, but that's
not what's up.
Next week, what
you're going to have...
- I thought what she said
when she came out
of the phone booth
might be of interest
to the people.
- Came out of the phone
booth from the fruit fly salesman
with, yeah, what did she say?
- Ah, well, she
picked up one of the
Harry Belafonte album
covers and showed it,
I can't tell ya.
- Say good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, everybody.
Hope you had a good time.
- I want to kiss and hug
you in the worst way.
- Well, how 'bout
standing up in a canoe.
- As that great Italian
philosopher Valicelli once said,
(speaking foreign language)
Here comes-a the judge.
- Do you know what you
get if you cross an orange
with a cactus?
- Spiked orange juice.
- I got a new car for my wife.
- Gee, I wonder what
I can get for mine.
- How about a nice chicken?
- My girl Rose, my girl Rose,
my girl sat on a
tack, my girl rose.
- Why does a chicken
cross the road?
- Why? Is one missing?
- Now, see, there's
another chicken joke.
- If Mary Tyler Moore
married William Wyler,
she'd be Mary Tyler Wyler.
- When I went skiing, I
broke my leg in two places.
Once at the top of the
hill, and once at the bottom.
- I'm just an average
American girl.
- If she's average, I've
been going out with boys.
- Dan?
- Yeah.
- I just crossed a black
widow spider with a horse.
- What did you get?
- I don't know,
but if it bites ya,
you can ride it to the hospital.
- I was born in Chicago.
- Ooh, before the fire?
- No, behind the piano.
- Well, the doctor said to
me, take off your clothes.
- Oh, what's wrong with that?
- You kidding? I'm his nurse.
- What goes, step,
step, step, clump?
Step, step, step, clump?
- What?
- A centipede with a wooden leg.
- Don Adams,
your shoe is ringing.
- Which general
wears the biggest hat?
- Oh silly, the one
with the biggest head.
- I always say a man who
hates animals and small children
can't be all bad.
My mother's eyes
(operatic vocalizations)
(laughter)
- Very interesting.
But grotesque, ick.
- This program
was recorded earlier
because there were ladies
waiting at Dick Martin's house.
(one person clapping)