Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 1, Episode 8 - Barbara Feldon, Sonny Bono, Cher, Pat Morita, Paul Winchell, Anissa Jones, Jerry Lewis, Dinah Shore, John Wayne - full transcript
(trilling music)
- [Voiceover] The following
program is brought to you
in living color on NBC.
- Look, up in the sky,
it's a bird, it's a plane,
no, it's, it's...
- It's hard to believe this
could happen in America.
- Once more, tonight, NBC
is going to sock it to you.
(speaking foreign language)
- That's the most
beautiful thing I ever heard.
- And now, direct from
the Egyptian delicatessen
here in beautiful
downtown Burbank,
NBC presents Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In.
(audience applauding)
Starring Dan Rowan
and Dick Martin,
with guest starts
Barbara Feldon,
with Julie Carne, Arte Johnson,
and special guest star Sonny,
and Eileen Brennan, Ruth Buzzi,
Goldie Hawn, Larry
Hovis, Henry Gibson,
Pat Morita, Rod
Maude-Roxby, Paul Winchell,
yours truly, Gary Owens,
and Morgul as the friendly drow.
- Tonight's program
is brought to you
by all the very mad
people from at...
- And now, continuing
with our silent movie,
here are the thrilling
voices of Dan Rowan
and the dreaded Dick Martin.
(audience applauding)
- Hi there.
- Say, I missed seeing
you around today.
- Oh, I was sticking
pretty close to the phone.
- Oh.
Expecting an important
phone call, huh?
- Well I guess a call
from Kirk Douglas
could be considered important.
- Kirk Douglas called you?
- Yeah, well, you
might say he called me.
- No kidding, what'd he say?
- Well, you might say
he didn't call me too.
Fancy that.
- I should've known better.
Why would Kirk
Douglas be calling you?
- Just to tell me what time
he's gonna be here, that's all.
- Now you're not gonna
get Kirk Douglas on the show
talking like that.
- Worked with John
Wayne, didn't it?
(laughs)
- In the first place,
what makes you think
that Kirk Douglas would ever
consent to come on this show?
- A little voice told me so.
- What do you mean a
little voice told you so?
- Fortune teller.
- A gypsy?
- Well, not an ordinary gypsy.
- What ordinary gypsy?
What?
- Gypsy Rose Lee, that's who.
- The stripper?
- She doesn't do that anymore.
- Well, that's how
she got famous,
was taking her
clothes off in a theater.
- Well she gave it up.
- How do you know?
- Because, last night I
took her to the theater
and she didn't make a move.
- Now I'll tell you
who is here tonight.
- Sally Field.
- The flying nun?
No, not tonight.
She was on last week.
- Oh.
I'm glad she's not here tonight.
- Why do you say that?
- Well, I was getting
kind of fond of her,
and I'm kind of against
mixed marriages.
- You and a flying nun, that
would be a mixed marriage
all right.
- Well sure, she's on
ABC and I'm on NBC.
- Oh, that to you is
a mixed marriage.
- Well, I don't want
you to get me wrong,
it's just nothing I have...
My best friends are from
ABC, it doesn't matter,
I just wouldn't want to
marry one, you know?
- That's the dumbest
thing I ever heard.
- Yeah, you haven't
lived with them boys.
- What do you mean I
haven't lived with them boys?
- When I was a kid, someone
from ABC moved on our block.
- So?
- Well, the first
thing you know...
- The block was full.
- No, the block was canceled.
- Hey, Barbara
Feldon's hear tonight.
- I love Barbara Feldon.
- And Sonny's here tonight.
- I love Sonny.
- And he didn't bring Cher.
- Yeah, his sister
mentioned that.
No, it was her sister
that mentioned it.
- Cher has a sister?
- Oh, I guess so, they're twins.
- Identical?
- Cher and Cher alike.
I slipped that one
through, didn't I?
- You're putting me on.
- I think it's time we
all went to a party.
(audience applauding)
(funky music)
- I only switched to bananas
because I couldn't
keep my cantaloupe lit.
- I'm really worried
about the world situation.
We've been teetering on
the brink of peace for years.
- Back home in Texas,
we like to think old Lindon's
gonna win by a landslide.
We also like to think
cigarettes are good for you.
- You know that when Sigmund
Freud discovered the sex drive,
General Motors tried to buy it?
- If the fisherman
tickleth the rainbow trout,
what then of the handmaiden?
- I don't know
much about politics,
but I'd vote yes
on any proposition.
- I've never coveted
my neighbor's wife.
But then again, neither
has my neighbor.
- Ladybird says
she'll beautify America
even if she has to
move heaven and Eartha.
- If there'd been a
union in those days,
there'd be no bible today.
The guild would
never have allowed
Matthew, Mark, Luke, and
John to work on Sundays.
- Oh I know exactly
what you mean.
The price of living's
going up so high,
I can hardly afford
to buy my groceries.
Maybe I ought to rent them.
- Yes, in international affairs,
our president and your
queen are inseparably linked.
- Really, how long
has this been going on?
- Man, I'm an Aquarius.
You know, the sign
of the water carrier?
My horoscope says
I'd never let myself go.
Now that can be a problem.
- I've got an idea.
Let's get out of Vietnam
and not tell Martha Raye.
- Why, there ain't a
Republican around
can beat a Texas
boy like Lindon.
Unfortunately, there
are a few Democrats.
- Oh, I could never be a racist.
I'm allergic to horses.
- As the maharishi says,
when crossing one's
legs to meditate,
it is best to be seated.
- My Harry worships
the ground I walk on.
He has this thing
about top soil.
- Say when.
- How about right
after the party?
- I don't know what
all the fuss is about.
The wives of Henry
VIII went topless.
- The lord loveth
the cheerful giver,
but he'll also take
from a grouch.
- I'm glad they didn't have
the pill in my mother's day.
Where would I be?
- Why don't you Americans
recognize the red Chinese?
- Because to us, all
Chinese look alike.
- Very interesting.
- I know four hippies who
died from drinking milk.
- Really?
- Yeah, cow fell on them.
(audience applauding)
- British are coming,
the British are coming!
- Good, I'll take two.
- [Multiple Voices] Sock
it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock it
to me, sock it to me...
- And now, folks,
it's sock it to me time.
- Socketh it unto me,
socketh it unto me,
socketh it unto me,
socketh it unto me.
- I wish they'd sock it to me.
(laughing)
- Step right up and
test your strength,
right here, right this way.
Hi there, sir.
- Yes.
- You like to try to
test your strength?
- Yeah.
- Go ahead, find out if
you're a sissy or a he-man.
Give it a go.
There you go.
(yells)
(piano playing)
Oh how we danced on
the night we were wed
- How did you do it?
Well I... Huh?
- We are the strongest
country in Europe today.
- We are strongest
country in Asia today.
- Wonder how the
winners are doing.
- Well folks out there
in television land,
moving right along now,
we spotlight stars
of tomorrow today.
- Yes, it's Laugh-In's
new talent time.
- That's what it is.
(fanfare plays)
- Oh, that band
makes your hair hurt.
- Come on.
Why don't you...
You're always kidding the
band about the way they play.
- Who's kidding?
- Come on.
Folks, as you know,
tonight our special guest star
is Sonny Bono.
- He didn't bring Cher?
- Nope, tonight Sonny's
appearing for the first time
without Cher.
Laugh-In has arranged for
Sonny to work with a new partner,
and here they are
now, Sonny and seal.
(audience applauding)
(drum rolling)
(drum rolling)
(horns honking)
(imitating a seal)
(drum rolling)
- I hate to tell
you this, Sonny,
but you are nothing without me.
(audience applauding)
- Sonny and seal?
- You oughta hear their records.
- I gotta say, one
thing they are, different.
- Oh, and here's something
else that's different too.
- You got another goodie?
- Oh have I ever.
From our 50th state,
let's meet and greet
the Mokalu family with
their Polynesian review.
(audience applauding)
Aloha.
- Hello.
That is Hawaiian for Aloha.
(laughs)
- I wonder if you'd tell
us about this great act.
- Certainly.
My family will perform,
and I will explain the meaning
of the many gestures of the
beautiful and dangerous hula
as performed by
the lovely Lulu Wani.
- Lulu Wani.
(audience applauding)
- Lulu Wani.
(singing indistinctly)
The Volcano sings, and I listen.
I love the song of lava.
In the lagoon below
are the streetcar that matter,
the pineapple
calls to the shark.
The pineapple eats the shark.
The shark eats the pineapple.
Which one is it?
The shark and the
pineapple eat the volcano
Oh, Cleveland is very pretty.
The shark and the
pineapple eat Cleveland.
Now they're filled with regret.
Aloha, shark.
Aloha, pineapple.
And Aloha, Cleveland.
(audience applauding)
You know there are 20
million stories in Hawaii,
this has been one of them.
(audience applauding)
- You came up
with a winner there.
- Oh, we got lots of winners.
Looking for them high and low.
- Yeah, I got one.
- Oh really?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, what is it?
- I forgot.
(laughing)
- Well here's one
you'll never forget,
the ventriloquial
artistry of Lucky Pierre.
(audience applauding)
- Bonjour madame, bonjour
madame, bonjour monsiour,
say hello.
- Hello, hello, hello,
ladies and gentlemen.
- Yes, of course.
I am Lucky Pierre,
and this is Pinkass.
We are ventriloquist and dummy.
- Oh come on now,
he's the dummy.
- Stop that.
Now we're going to do
some ventriloquism for you.
Hey, why don't
you comb your hair?
- I don't have a comb.
- Why don't you use
your father's comb?
- He don't have no hair.
(laughs)
Now, I want you to
do this ventriloquistly,
what's this I say,
Peter Piper ticked
a tick of tickle tellers.
Now you try that, please.
- Peter Piper picked...
- No no no no,
you're moving the lips.
You must do it without the lips.
Watch closely, Peter Piper
ticked a tick of tickle tetter.
Now you try that.
- Peter Piper...
- No no, you keep
moving the lips.
Watch me now.
You go like this.
Peter, watch this closely.
- Peter Piper ticked...
- Now make it up now.
- Peter Piper ticked...
- No no, not like that.
You have to, here, nevermind.
We're going to do a song.
Now we will do a song for you,
and here's the way we go.
Sweet Adeline My
Adeline Very good.
My Adeline My
Adeline You're a flower
On my heart Adeline My Adeline
(audience applauding)
- Well, I think that
just about finishes
our new talent for tonight.
- That's about the best
bunch we've had yet.
- I agree.
Any one of these young people
may be the stars of tomorrow.
- Maybe even later tonight.
- Well all you folks at home,
I hope you enjoyed
our new talent,
and if you have any
new talent of your own,
just write us a letter...
- And we'll send
them to your house,
maybe later today.
- And now, here's the
latest news from Tanganuki.
Let me spell that
for you, it's N-E-W-S.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
we're certainly honored
to have with us tonight
the world champion
Hungarian goat caller.
Would you give
us a demonstration
of your Hungarian
goat calling prowess?
(clears throat)
- Hey you Hungarian
goats, I'm calling you!
(chanting)
- Ugh, tum tum.
- Ugh, dick dick.
- Ugh, hurry hurry.
- That's so-so.
- Now here's a little lady
who could charm the birds
right out of the trees.
(piano playing)
I hear singing and
there's no one there
(cuckoo clock chiming)
Oh, you
- There's an
oldie, but a goodie.
- Take a chance,
how about you, sir?
How about testing your strength?
Huh?
Find out whether you're
a sissy or a he-man.
Now all you do is
you take that hammer
and place it on there
just as hard as you can,
and give it a go.
- The British are coming,
the British are coming!
- I don't care.
- Well, as long as you're up,
could I interest you
in some Revereware?
- Hey, Judy, come on
out, it's sock it to me time.
Oh well.
- Gimme socky, gimme socky,
gimme socky, gimme socky.
Not me, her, you
round-eye idiot.
- I dreamed I faced a firing
squad in my Maidenform bra.
- There are good Germans
and there are bad Germans.
- Not for us.
To us, all Germans look alike.
- And now ladies and gentlemen
in our viewing audience,
it's time once again
for the Laugh-In Report,
when Dick and Dan
look at the news,
past, present, and future.
(marching band playing)
What's the news
across the nation
We have got the information
In a way we hope will help you
We just love To
give you our views
Na na na na Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looks at the news
(audience applauding)
(girls squealing)
- Yes, and now here's
the man to whom the news
wouldn't be the news
without the news,
here's Dicky.
(audience applauding)
- Ah ha, I beat you.
May the good fairy
find a warm cockle
in the cockles of your heart.
And now, here's
the news of the day.
In keeping with the
trend of actors in politics,
President Johnson today
announced the appointment
of Elizabeth Taylor as
Commissioner of Wild Life.
I must say, I agree with him.
In keeping with the New
York police chief's new ruling
against brutality by
uniformed policeman,
he transferred six of his men
to the plain clothes division.
That ought to take care of some.
Salvador Dali, world
famous surrealist painter,
witnessed a bank
hold up this morning
and volunteered to sketch
his impressions of the thief.
Three hours later, the police
arrested two pocket watches,
a ladder, and a crutch.
- And now with the news of
the future 20 years from now.
Let's see, that would be
1968, 1970, 1971, 1972...
- That's 1988, Goldie.
- That's 1988, Goldie.
Now, here's Dan.
(audience applauding)
- Washington, 1988.
Concerns over the fact that
computers are replacing humans
grew so intense in Washington
that the President
of the United States
had to be unplugged
so that it could cool off.
Item 1988.
An effort to correct the
image of history was made
when the remaining
American Indians were asked
if they had any grievances.
Both said no.
Item 1988, with the lowering
of the legal age to drink,
drive, marry, vote, carry
a gun, and be drafted,
14 year old war hero
Freckles McGuire
was shot in front
of a polling booth
by his 12-year-old ex-wife,
a chronic alcoholic who
escaped in a new convertible
he equipped with
training wheels.
- And now moving right along
as we always do sometimes,
here's a Laugh-In news extra.
With Saint Patrick's
Day coming up,
here's Dan Rowan
in County Killarny
with a genuine Irish leprechaun.
So take it away, Danny boy.
(knocking)
- Hello, anybody home?
Hello?
- Hi there.
- Hello.
Are you a leprechaun?
- Well I'm not the flying nun.
- You aren't, I didn't know
there were any girl leprechauns.
- Now, isn't that silly.
Without girl leprechauns,
how could there be
boy leprechauns?
(laughs)
- Never really thought if it
that way, but I see your point.
Hey, what are you doing up here?
I thought all you leprechauns
lived underground,
around the roots of trees.
- No, not Irish leprechauns.
You must be thinking
of Polish leprechauns.
- Oh, aren't all
leprechauns Irish?
- No, there's
leprechauns everywhere.
There's leprechauns in Japan
and in Sweden and in Israel.
- Israel?
Come on, there aren't
any leprechauns in Israel.
- You've never heard
of a leprecohen?
That's a local joke.
- That's a good play on words.
- You know, you're very cute.
- Oh, thank you.
- I'll bet you're part Irish.
- Well yes, how
did you know that?
- Your right eye is smiling.
- Hey, listen,
according to legend,
if I catch a leprechaun,
he has to lead me to
the end of the rainbow
and get a pot of
gold as a reward.
What happens if I catch a
lady leprechaun like you?
- Well, let's put it this way.
It's better than
any old pot of gold.
- Yeah.
Right back to you, Dick.
(audience applauding)
- Now cut that out, you two.
- Item.
They held a beauty contest
in beautiful downtown
Burbank today.
- One more joke like that,
and we're gonna
send you to Glendale.
- What's a Burbank?
- We'll be right back,
so don't touch that dial.
I told you not to
touch that dial.
- Dear Aggie, I have 14 children
and I'm worried that my
husband doesn't love me.
Signed, Expecting.
Dear Expecting,
don't worry, think what it
would be like if he did love you.
- I sure wish you
could tell that on the air.
- Step right up and
test your strength.
Step right up.
How do you do, madam?
Oh, excuse me, sir.
Would you like to
test your strength?
Just give it a good
whack right here, sir.
Test your strength,
get it up there.
Up to he-man.
(hammer shatters)
- What do you
mean it was our fault?
- The British are coming,
the British are coming!
- What did you say?
- Nevermind.
- Our question tonight,
should there be
love before marriage?
- And to get a
cross-section of opinion,
we have asked a group
of typical Americans
to give us their frank,
soul-searching answers
to this burning question.
- Again, should there
be love before marriage?
- Yes.
- Yes.
- Yes.
- Yes.
- Yes!
- What was the question?
- Should there be
love before marriage?
- Oh yes.
- Oh yeah.
- Yes.
- Should.
- I refuse to answer
on the grounds
it may tend to incriminate me.
- If Tuesday Weld
married Frederick March II,
she'd be Tuesday,
March the second.
- Love is the only game
never postponed on
account of darkness.
- My husband wouldn't
buy me a garter
so I sued him for nonsupport.
- Boy, am I tired.
It took me eight weeks
to paint my house.
- That's ridiculous.
Why didn't you just
photograph it, klutz?
- If I did meet the
girl of my dreams,
what would I do with my wife?
- Are you the kind of
girl who parks with men
on dark country roads?
- Not unless driven to it.
- If you really want
to save money,
marry your second wife first.
- Will whoever left the Saint
Bernard in the parking lot
please go out and get him,
he's burying my Volkswagen.
- I have 300 wives,
and no children.
What is wrong with those girls?
- What has a lampshade
on top and turns on?
My cousin at a party.
- What's the matter
with your arm?
- Oh, it hurts when I do this.
- Well don't do it.
- The second half of the
Rowan and Martin Laugh-In
is brought to you
by... (funky music)
- Anybody can do it.
Come over and
test your strength.
Ah, little lady, would
you like to get...
There you are, little lady.
Just hit it right there
and test your strength.
- Hey gang, tonight Our
Mod, Mod World takes a look
at the hereafter.
We're five undertakers
Who welcome you to Happy Acres
We haven't met you
But someday we might get you
Our chosen profession
Leaves little room
for self-expression
Methods don't vary,
It's always cash and bury
We seldom get to meet first
You always enter feet first
But when your card
game's played out
We help to get you laid out
We have a suspicion
Nobody loves a poor mortician
It would be nice if you try
'Cause we're gonna
get you by and by
Diddly aye die die die die
Die die die, die die die
Die diddly aye die
die die die Die die die
There's nothing much occurring
When days are spent interring
But nights get pretty scary
Around the mortuary
A tisket, a tasket,
We found the blue
and yellow casket
Drop in and give it a try
Don't need to malign us
You better watch that sinus
'Cause we're gonna
get you by and by
Diddly aye die die
die die Die die die
(audience applauding)
- Somebody just said the
subject of Mod, Mod World
is the hereafter.
- The hereafter what?
- The hereafter,
the great beyond.
Where everybody
is going one day.
- Well, I don't
want to talk about it.
- Oh.
All right, as long as
we have that settled,
now we take a
look at the hereafter.
- Not me.
- Come on, you may
as well face it, Dick.
Someday, eventually,
everybody goes somewhere.
- Argentina.
- You're really serious, you
don't want to talk about it.
- You can try,
but I'll avoid it.
- Okay, let's
start with funerals.
- You start with funerals.
- Now, I can't really believe
that you never in your life
have been faced
with this problem.
- Oh, just my uncle.
- Oh, well I'm sorry
to hear that, I didn't...
- Oh, it happened
quite a few years ago.
- Oh, you were in charge
of the arrangements?
You probably took
him to an undertaker?
- No, we took him
to a taxidermist.
- A taxidermist?
- Well, it worked
out kinda well.
You see, just, I thought
that he and my aunt,
they seem happy.
- They seem happy?
In the same house, together?
- Well, they're not
always together.
- Oh.
- Most of the time
she's in the kitchen
and he's out in the parlor,
reading the newspaper.
- He's out in the parlor
reading the newspaper?
- Yeah, once a week I go over
and turn the pages for uncle.
(laughs)
- Well, I can see you just
don't want to talk about it.
Is that what you're
trying to tell me?
You don't want to talk about it.
- You catch on slow.
- Well, we all have
to go sometime.
- That's what they'd
like you to believe.
- You better believe
it, because right now,
we're gonna go to a funeral.
- How's that?
- Laugh-In is having
a funeral tonight.
- The ratings were that bad?
(laughs)
- No, as a matter of fact,
the ratings have been
holding up very well.
- Then what are we
having a funeral for?
- Just so we can see what it
looks like from the other side.
- The other side of what?
- Come on and you'll see.
- Hmm.
- He's not dead,
he's just asleep.
- I've got $100 says he's dead.
- Doesn't he look wonderful?
- Well why shouldn't he?
He just got back from Florida.
- Oh, he looks so natural,
just like he did in real life.
- In life he wore
lipstick and rouge?
- Well just think, he was gonna
play golf with us tomorrow.
It's awful.
- Awful, it's tragic.
Hey no, wait a minute.
Maybe Henderson
will play with us.
- Yeah, we'll check.
- You saved my life in
the army once, Charlie.
Someday I'm gonna
make it up to you.
- Oh, Charlie.
I'm alone.
All alone.
I have no one to look after me.
You know Charlie,
it's just like you,
not to be here
at a time like this.
- Before you do that,
shouldn't I say a prayer?
- I'm afraid he was
an atheist possum.
- Oh, oh, what a shame.
All dressed up,
and no place to go.
- Psst.
Psst.
- We've got to stop
meeting like this,
I think Harold's
getting suspicious.
The rivers keep rolling
Don't ask for whom
the bells are tolling
No need to wonder
The answer's six feet under
- And to my nephew, Theodore,
whom I said I would
mention in my will,
hi there, Theodore.
- Hey, how's your brother?
- He's sick.
- Oh, he's not sick,
he just thinks he's sick.
How's your other brother?
- He thinks he's dead.
Die die die die, die
die die, die die die
Die diddly aye die
die die die Die die die
- I want to talk to
my wife, Margaret.
She was a telephone operator.
- Here me, oh spirit world.
I am calling for Margaret.
Margaret, the
telephone operator.
- [Margaret] Your call, please.
- This is Hugo.
Is that you, Margaret?
- [Margaret] I'm sorry, I
cannot give you that information.
- But I must have
that information.
- [Margaret] I will
give you information.
- [Voiceover] Information.
- I want to talk to
Margaret, my wife.
She's about five
feet four, 26, 24, 36.
- [Voiceover] I'm sorry,
that number's been changed.
Please deposit $20
for three minutes.
- $20?
You can go to the devil.
- [Voiceover] I'll connect you.
- [Voiceover]
Hello, this is hell.
- Hell?
I want to talk to Margaret.
- [Voiceover] Margaret?
- [Margaret] Hugo, is that you?
- What do you know?
He took it with him.
Die die die die, die
die die, die die die
Die diddly aye die
die die die Die die die
- And now, folks,
it's sock it to me time.
- [Multiple Voices] Sock
it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock it
to me, sock it to me...
- Sock it to me, sock
it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock it
to you, sock it to them,
sock it to everybody.
- Little lady, why don't
you try your strength?
It'll be good for you.
Just line up in front
and just hit that
for all you're worth.
Give it a go.
- You a hawk or a dove?
- Both.
- Are you a hawk or a dove?
- Chicken.
- Stick 'em up.
- From Ohio a
gentleman writes...
Dear Aggie, I am not
particularly attractive.
I am short and dumpy with bad
skin and a high-pitched voice.
Is there any chance for me?
Yes.
I suggest that you read and
take hope from my new book,
Life Among the Short,
Dumpy, Bad-Skinned,
High-Pitched Voiced
People of Ohio.
- Hey Dick, when you gonna
give me the $50 you owe me?
- I told you, as soon
as I get it, I'm broke.
- Yeah man, but I
can't wait for ever.
- Hey, stick 'em up.
- Here's the $50 I owe you.
- This is your offstage
announcer reminding you
that tonight's program will
be shown to our fighting forces
in the NBC legal department.
(playing Swan Lake on piano)
(making Donald Duck noises)
- The British are coming,
the British are coming!
- What you say?
- Dummy, you got the wrong war.
- Step right up, you
don't have to be strong
to test your strength,
it's all in the wrist.
Excuse me, sir.
Sir.
Would you like to
test your strength?
Just hit it right here.
Hit it right there, sir.
Right here.
That a boy.
- It says bong!
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- The British are coming,
the British are coming!
- What?
- I said the British are coming.
- Oh, I thought you said
the Yiddish were coming.
- Step right up, step right
up, have a go at the hammer.
Would you like a
go at the hammer?
Why don't you let
the little lady do it.
Step right up there.
All right, little lady, we'll
see how hard you can hit it.
Go ahead.
Give it a go.
- Now that's really old.
- I thought that was funny,
but what does a kid know?
(laughing)
- True or false, Jackie
Gleason is not fat.
He weighs only 95
pounds, but is hollow.
- And so tonight, our
Laugh-In public opinion poll
looks at a very
important question.
Should we revise
our election system?
- Well if you ask me...
- I didn't ask you.
I want to hear what the
man in the street says.
- Well, what's the question?
- Should we revise
our election system?
- Well I think the
president should be drafted
like the soldiers are.
If you can send a young
boy thousands of miles away
to settle the
problems of the world,
why can't you send the
same young boy to Washington
and let him try it from there?
- I say, let's get the elections
out of the hands of the people
and back in the smoke-filled
rooms where they belong!
- Let's make Valentine's
Day election day, hmm?
Send a valentine to the
candidate that you love the best,
and the man who
receives the most valentines
is automatically the president.
This way, we would be
electing the most popular man,
and all the others would
know that we still love them too.
- I forgot the question.
- You're doing it all wrong.
You make so many rules
about your presidents.
You never have had a
good queen, or a king.
- You Americans with
your stupid elections.
What do the people know?
Do it the way we do
in the Soviet Union.
One candidate, then
you have no problems.
Unless he loses,
then you got trouble.
- Well, I could save the
government a lot of trouble,
just send the candidates
to me one by one,
and I'll tell you which
one is the best man.
- Well, does that
answer your question?
- What was the question?
- The preceding was an
unpaid political announcement.
In the past few weeks, Laugh-In
has made comment on smoking,
censorship, violence, crime,
and saluted the establishment,
because we believe that
if you look hard enough,
you can find some good in
everybody, and everything.
- And so tonight, in
keeping with this policy,
the cast of Laugh-In salutes
ex-governor George Wallace.
- And that about wraps
it up for our salute.
- Why I like love-ins,
by Henry Gibson.
I like love-ins because
they are so aeronautical
and full of give.
Well, take for example the way
they furnish fuel
for our daily flights.
In addition, they
fertilize our hearts
and give rise to flowers,
and ferns, and grass.
But most of all, they
help build up cool
by fraying the love wave
and letting it circulate.
If it were not for love-ins,
we would be without floats.
My life up to now has
been flashy, I guess
A poor girl got lucky
and made a success
I came from the East
to this Wonderland town
I'm famous and rich,
but it's getting me down
I live in a mansion,
my pool is immense
I just bought a Rolls
and a Mercedes-Benz
(giggling)
I'm building a bank,
and a brand new motel
Then why must our lives
be like empty old shells?
Well, we've never
been to a love-in
Where they run around nude
dragging girls through the food
Just a jolly
Hollywood love-in, no
We've never attended at all
My dimwitted neighbor,
who barely can speak
Goes to a love-in
like three times a week
My hairdresser told me
while waving his comb
This love-in he threw
was like six nights in Rome
My girlfriend just told
me, I'm sure it's for spite,
She went to a love-in
and stayed half the night
But pick out a place
where the action is slow
And that is the time
we're invited to go
So we've never been to a love-in
Where they pass around
flowers, making nice nice for hours
Just a jolly
Hollywood love-in, no
We've never attended
at all All together
We've never been to a love-in
Where the fun is all had
just by making new friends
Yes, a jolly
Hollywood love-in No
We've never attended
I'm highly offended
My background is spendid
There's malice intended
We've never been
to a love-in, no
We've never attended at all
(audience applauding)
- The British are coming,
the British are coming!
- How soon?
- Don't worry, we
got plenty of time.
(Native Americans yelping)
(arrow fires)
- Go to the fort
and get some help.
- Step right up and
test your strength.
You don't have to be smart.
Excuse me, sir.
Would you like to
test your strength?
Well here, just
take this hammer,
and hit it right down...
Oh, you're gonna use your own.
All right, all's fair.
(flushing)
- The British are coming,
the British are coming!
- We've got to stop
meeting like this,
Harold is getting suspicious.
- Well, it's time to
say good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Sayonara, Dick.
- And next, well, I wanted
to thank you for your letters.
You've been
writing a lot of letters,
and next week, I
think you'll see...
- Hey, I wonder if you'd
mind if I said something
my great-grandmother
once said to me.
- Gee, I wish we had time.
Next week...
- She was in the kitchen
putting up quince jelly at the time
and she got her foot caught
in a bucket of molasses.
The ice man came in and
they slid under the wood stove.
- Oh, gee, that's funny.
I'm glad we
squeezed it in there.
- They were there
for three days.
- Say good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, everybody.
(audience applauding)
- Molasses?
- Old Mother Hubbard
stood by her cupboard
and tried to find
something there.
Along came a cop
and she had to stop,
because old Mother
Hubbard was bare.
- My cousin just
joined the boy scouts.
That girl's going to
amount to something.
- He's so dumb, he thinks an
inkling is a baby fountain pen.
- My boyfriend is so square,
he thinks that the freeway
is Sweden's answer to matrimony.
- What's the lowdown
on Turkey and Greece?
- Oh, they're too fattening.
- Say, does the train
stop in San Francisco?
- Boy, it better, or there's
gonna be a big splash.
- Jack be nimble,
Jack be quicker,
you've got a new job
as a chicken flicker.
- What should I do?
I've swallowed my pen.
- Use your pencil.
- Oh.
(laughs)
- I've heard plenty
about your lovemaking.
- Oh, it's nothing.
- That's what I heard.
- Don't you think every
woman ought to have a mink?
- Certainly not, how
many minks have women?
- Florence is a
nice place to visit,
but I wouldn't
want to live there.
- Since I've been
going to my psychiatrist,
all my confusion is gone.
I go eight days a week.
- Have you ever
seen the solar eclipse?
- No, where's it playing?
- Peter, Peter, pumpkin eater,
had a wife and
couldn't keep her,
pickled her in muskatel
and there she's
keeping very well.
- Knock knock.
- Who's there?
- Freeze.
- Freeze who?
- Freeze a jolly
good fellow, for he's...
- Hey, I just shot 14 ducks.
- Were they wild?
- Well, they weren't
tickled to death.
- Oh.
Oh remember, he who
laughs last is last laugher.
- No, he who laughs
last, laughs last.
- No no, the last laugher
is a laughing laugh...
- The last laugh...
- Laugh yourself,
a clown laughs...
That hurts when I do that.
- Don't do it.
- Oh.
- Find out who's
going to be next.
Excuse me, oh sir?
Would you like to
test your strength?
Oh come along sir,
it won't take long.
Here, test your strength.
Just hit it right there.
(church bells ringing)
- The British are coming,
the British are coming!
- Will you sober
up and get in here?
The war's been
over for two years.
- Would you believe
Sony and Cher?
- The preceding
was recorded earlier
because we were
ashamed to do it now.
- Very interesting.
- [Voiceover] The following
program is brought to you
in living color on NBC.
- Look, up in the sky,
it's a bird, it's a plane,
no, it's, it's...
- It's hard to believe this
could happen in America.
- Once more, tonight, NBC
is going to sock it to you.
(speaking foreign language)
- That's the most
beautiful thing I ever heard.
- And now, direct from
the Egyptian delicatessen
here in beautiful
downtown Burbank,
NBC presents Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In.
(audience applauding)
Starring Dan Rowan
and Dick Martin,
with guest starts
Barbara Feldon,
with Julie Carne, Arte Johnson,
and special guest star Sonny,
and Eileen Brennan, Ruth Buzzi,
Goldie Hawn, Larry
Hovis, Henry Gibson,
Pat Morita, Rod
Maude-Roxby, Paul Winchell,
yours truly, Gary Owens,
and Morgul as the friendly drow.
- Tonight's program
is brought to you
by all the very mad
people from at...
- And now, continuing
with our silent movie,
here are the thrilling
voices of Dan Rowan
and the dreaded Dick Martin.
(audience applauding)
- Hi there.
- Say, I missed seeing
you around today.
- Oh, I was sticking
pretty close to the phone.
- Oh.
Expecting an important
phone call, huh?
- Well I guess a call
from Kirk Douglas
could be considered important.
- Kirk Douglas called you?
- Yeah, well, you
might say he called me.
- No kidding, what'd he say?
- Well, you might say
he didn't call me too.
Fancy that.
- I should've known better.
Why would Kirk
Douglas be calling you?
- Just to tell me what time
he's gonna be here, that's all.
- Now you're not gonna
get Kirk Douglas on the show
talking like that.
- Worked with John
Wayne, didn't it?
(laughs)
- In the first place,
what makes you think
that Kirk Douglas would ever
consent to come on this show?
- A little voice told me so.
- What do you mean a
little voice told you so?
- Fortune teller.
- A gypsy?
- Well, not an ordinary gypsy.
- What ordinary gypsy?
What?
- Gypsy Rose Lee, that's who.
- The stripper?
- She doesn't do that anymore.
- Well, that's how
she got famous,
was taking her
clothes off in a theater.
- Well she gave it up.
- How do you know?
- Because, last night I
took her to the theater
and she didn't make a move.
- Now I'll tell you
who is here tonight.
- Sally Field.
- The flying nun?
No, not tonight.
She was on last week.
- Oh.
I'm glad she's not here tonight.
- Why do you say that?
- Well, I was getting
kind of fond of her,
and I'm kind of against
mixed marriages.
- You and a flying nun, that
would be a mixed marriage
all right.
- Well sure, she's on
ABC and I'm on NBC.
- Oh, that to you is
a mixed marriage.
- Well, I don't want
you to get me wrong,
it's just nothing I have...
My best friends are from
ABC, it doesn't matter,
I just wouldn't want to
marry one, you know?
- That's the dumbest
thing I ever heard.
- Yeah, you haven't
lived with them boys.
- What do you mean I
haven't lived with them boys?
- When I was a kid, someone
from ABC moved on our block.
- So?
- Well, the first
thing you know...
- The block was full.
- No, the block was canceled.
- Hey, Barbara
Feldon's hear tonight.
- I love Barbara Feldon.
- And Sonny's here tonight.
- I love Sonny.
- And he didn't bring Cher.
- Yeah, his sister
mentioned that.
No, it was her sister
that mentioned it.
- Cher has a sister?
- Oh, I guess so, they're twins.
- Identical?
- Cher and Cher alike.
I slipped that one
through, didn't I?
- You're putting me on.
- I think it's time we
all went to a party.
(audience applauding)
(funky music)
- I only switched to bananas
because I couldn't
keep my cantaloupe lit.
- I'm really worried
about the world situation.
We've been teetering on
the brink of peace for years.
- Back home in Texas,
we like to think old Lindon's
gonna win by a landslide.
We also like to think
cigarettes are good for you.
- You know that when Sigmund
Freud discovered the sex drive,
General Motors tried to buy it?
- If the fisherman
tickleth the rainbow trout,
what then of the handmaiden?
- I don't know
much about politics,
but I'd vote yes
on any proposition.
- I've never coveted
my neighbor's wife.
But then again, neither
has my neighbor.
- Ladybird says
she'll beautify America
even if she has to
move heaven and Eartha.
- If there'd been a
union in those days,
there'd be no bible today.
The guild would
never have allowed
Matthew, Mark, Luke, and
John to work on Sundays.
- Oh I know exactly
what you mean.
The price of living's
going up so high,
I can hardly afford
to buy my groceries.
Maybe I ought to rent them.
- Yes, in international affairs,
our president and your
queen are inseparably linked.
- Really, how long
has this been going on?
- Man, I'm an Aquarius.
You know, the sign
of the water carrier?
My horoscope says
I'd never let myself go.
Now that can be a problem.
- I've got an idea.
Let's get out of Vietnam
and not tell Martha Raye.
- Why, there ain't a
Republican around
can beat a Texas
boy like Lindon.
Unfortunately, there
are a few Democrats.
- Oh, I could never be a racist.
I'm allergic to horses.
- As the maharishi says,
when crossing one's
legs to meditate,
it is best to be seated.
- My Harry worships
the ground I walk on.
He has this thing
about top soil.
- Say when.
- How about right
after the party?
- I don't know what
all the fuss is about.
The wives of Henry
VIII went topless.
- The lord loveth
the cheerful giver,
but he'll also take
from a grouch.
- I'm glad they didn't have
the pill in my mother's day.
Where would I be?
- Why don't you Americans
recognize the red Chinese?
- Because to us, all
Chinese look alike.
- Very interesting.
- I know four hippies who
died from drinking milk.
- Really?
- Yeah, cow fell on them.
(audience applauding)
- British are coming,
the British are coming!
- Good, I'll take two.
- [Multiple Voices] Sock
it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock it
to me, sock it to me...
- And now, folks,
it's sock it to me time.
- Socketh it unto me,
socketh it unto me,
socketh it unto me,
socketh it unto me.
- I wish they'd sock it to me.
(laughing)
- Step right up and
test your strength,
right here, right this way.
Hi there, sir.
- Yes.
- You like to try to
test your strength?
- Yeah.
- Go ahead, find out if
you're a sissy or a he-man.
Give it a go.
There you go.
(yells)
(piano playing)
Oh how we danced on
the night we were wed
- How did you do it?
Well I... Huh?
- We are the strongest
country in Europe today.
- We are strongest
country in Asia today.
- Wonder how the
winners are doing.
- Well folks out there
in television land,
moving right along now,
we spotlight stars
of tomorrow today.
- Yes, it's Laugh-In's
new talent time.
- That's what it is.
(fanfare plays)
- Oh, that band
makes your hair hurt.
- Come on.
Why don't you...
You're always kidding the
band about the way they play.
- Who's kidding?
- Come on.
Folks, as you know,
tonight our special guest star
is Sonny Bono.
- He didn't bring Cher?
- Nope, tonight Sonny's
appearing for the first time
without Cher.
Laugh-In has arranged for
Sonny to work with a new partner,
and here they are
now, Sonny and seal.
(audience applauding)
(drum rolling)
(drum rolling)
(horns honking)
(imitating a seal)
(drum rolling)
- I hate to tell
you this, Sonny,
but you are nothing without me.
(audience applauding)
- Sonny and seal?
- You oughta hear their records.
- I gotta say, one
thing they are, different.
- Oh, and here's something
else that's different too.
- You got another goodie?
- Oh have I ever.
From our 50th state,
let's meet and greet
the Mokalu family with
their Polynesian review.
(audience applauding)
Aloha.
- Hello.
That is Hawaiian for Aloha.
(laughs)
- I wonder if you'd tell
us about this great act.
- Certainly.
My family will perform,
and I will explain the meaning
of the many gestures of the
beautiful and dangerous hula
as performed by
the lovely Lulu Wani.
- Lulu Wani.
(audience applauding)
- Lulu Wani.
(singing indistinctly)
The Volcano sings, and I listen.
I love the song of lava.
In the lagoon below
are the streetcar that matter,
the pineapple
calls to the shark.
The pineapple eats the shark.
The shark eats the pineapple.
Which one is it?
The shark and the
pineapple eat the volcano
Oh, Cleveland is very pretty.
The shark and the
pineapple eat Cleveland.
Now they're filled with regret.
Aloha, shark.
Aloha, pineapple.
And Aloha, Cleveland.
(audience applauding)
You know there are 20
million stories in Hawaii,
this has been one of them.
(audience applauding)
- You came up
with a winner there.
- Oh, we got lots of winners.
Looking for them high and low.
- Yeah, I got one.
- Oh really?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, what is it?
- I forgot.
(laughing)
- Well here's one
you'll never forget,
the ventriloquial
artistry of Lucky Pierre.
(audience applauding)
- Bonjour madame, bonjour
madame, bonjour monsiour,
say hello.
- Hello, hello, hello,
ladies and gentlemen.
- Yes, of course.
I am Lucky Pierre,
and this is Pinkass.
We are ventriloquist and dummy.
- Oh come on now,
he's the dummy.
- Stop that.
Now we're going to do
some ventriloquism for you.
Hey, why don't
you comb your hair?
- I don't have a comb.
- Why don't you use
your father's comb?
- He don't have no hair.
(laughs)
Now, I want you to
do this ventriloquistly,
what's this I say,
Peter Piper ticked
a tick of tickle tellers.
Now you try that, please.
- Peter Piper picked...
- No no no no,
you're moving the lips.
You must do it without the lips.
Watch closely, Peter Piper
ticked a tick of tickle tetter.
Now you try that.
- Peter Piper...
- No no, you keep
moving the lips.
Watch me now.
You go like this.
Peter, watch this closely.
- Peter Piper ticked...
- Now make it up now.
- Peter Piper ticked...
- No no, not like that.
You have to, here, nevermind.
We're going to do a song.
Now we will do a song for you,
and here's the way we go.
Sweet Adeline My
Adeline Very good.
My Adeline My
Adeline You're a flower
On my heart Adeline My Adeline
(audience applauding)
- Well, I think that
just about finishes
our new talent for tonight.
- That's about the best
bunch we've had yet.
- I agree.
Any one of these young people
may be the stars of tomorrow.
- Maybe even later tonight.
- Well all you folks at home,
I hope you enjoyed
our new talent,
and if you have any
new talent of your own,
just write us a letter...
- And we'll send
them to your house,
maybe later today.
- And now, here's the
latest news from Tanganuki.
Let me spell that
for you, it's N-E-W-S.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
we're certainly honored
to have with us tonight
the world champion
Hungarian goat caller.
Would you give
us a demonstration
of your Hungarian
goat calling prowess?
(clears throat)
- Hey you Hungarian
goats, I'm calling you!
(chanting)
- Ugh, tum tum.
- Ugh, dick dick.
- Ugh, hurry hurry.
- That's so-so.
- Now here's a little lady
who could charm the birds
right out of the trees.
(piano playing)
I hear singing and
there's no one there
(cuckoo clock chiming)
Oh, you
- There's an
oldie, but a goodie.
- Take a chance,
how about you, sir?
How about testing your strength?
Huh?
Find out whether you're
a sissy or a he-man.
Now all you do is
you take that hammer
and place it on there
just as hard as you can,
and give it a go.
- The British are coming,
the British are coming!
- I don't care.
- Well, as long as you're up,
could I interest you
in some Revereware?
- Hey, Judy, come on
out, it's sock it to me time.
Oh well.
- Gimme socky, gimme socky,
gimme socky, gimme socky.
Not me, her, you
round-eye idiot.
- I dreamed I faced a firing
squad in my Maidenform bra.
- There are good Germans
and there are bad Germans.
- Not for us.
To us, all Germans look alike.
- And now ladies and gentlemen
in our viewing audience,
it's time once again
for the Laugh-In Report,
when Dick and Dan
look at the news,
past, present, and future.
(marching band playing)
What's the news
across the nation
We have got the information
In a way we hope will help you
We just love To
give you our views
Na na na na Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looks at the news
(audience applauding)
(girls squealing)
- Yes, and now here's
the man to whom the news
wouldn't be the news
without the news,
here's Dicky.
(audience applauding)
- Ah ha, I beat you.
May the good fairy
find a warm cockle
in the cockles of your heart.
And now, here's
the news of the day.
In keeping with the
trend of actors in politics,
President Johnson today
announced the appointment
of Elizabeth Taylor as
Commissioner of Wild Life.
I must say, I agree with him.
In keeping with the New
York police chief's new ruling
against brutality by
uniformed policeman,
he transferred six of his men
to the plain clothes division.
That ought to take care of some.
Salvador Dali, world
famous surrealist painter,
witnessed a bank
hold up this morning
and volunteered to sketch
his impressions of the thief.
Three hours later, the police
arrested two pocket watches,
a ladder, and a crutch.
- And now with the news of
the future 20 years from now.
Let's see, that would be
1968, 1970, 1971, 1972...
- That's 1988, Goldie.
- That's 1988, Goldie.
Now, here's Dan.
(audience applauding)
- Washington, 1988.
Concerns over the fact that
computers are replacing humans
grew so intense in Washington
that the President
of the United States
had to be unplugged
so that it could cool off.
Item 1988.
An effort to correct the
image of history was made
when the remaining
American Indians were asked
if they had any grievances.
Both said no.
Item 1988, with the lowering
of the legal age to drink,
drive, marry, vote, carry
a gun, and be drafted,
14 year old war hero
Freckles McGuire
was shot in front
of a polling booth
by his 12-year-old ex-wife,
a chronic alcoholic who
escaped in a new convertible
he equipped with
training wheels.
- And now moving right along
as we always do sometimes,
here's a Laugh-In news extra.
With Saint Patrick's
Day coming up,
here's Dan Rowan
in County Killarny
with a genuine Irish leprechaun.
So take it away, Danny boy.
(knocking)
- Hello, anybody home?
Hello?
- Hi there.
- Hello.
Are you a leprechaun?
- Well I'm not the flying nun.
- You aren't, I didn't know
there were any girl leprechauns.
- Now, isn't that silly.
Without girl leprechauns,
how could there be
boy leprechauns?
(laughs)
- Never really thought if it
that way, but I see your point.
Hey, what are you doing up here?
I thought all you leprechauns
lived underground,
around the roots of trees.
- No, not Irish leprechauns.
You must be thinking
of Polish leprechauns.
- Oh, aren't all
leprechauns Irish?
- No, there's
leprechauns everywhere.
There's leprechauns in Japan
and in Sweden and in Israel.
- Israel?
Come on, there aren't
any leprechauns in Israel.
- You've never heard
of a leprecohen?
That's a local joke.
- That's a good play on words.
- You know, you're very cute.
- Oh, thank you.
- I'll bet you're part Irish.
- Well yes, how
did you know that?
- Your right eye is smiling.
- Hey, listen,
according to legend,
if I catch a leprechaun,
he has to lead me to
the end of the rainbow
and get a pot of
gold as a reward.
What happens if I catch a
lady leprechaun like you?
- Well, let's put it this way.
It's better than
any old pot of gold.
- Yeah.
Right back to you, Dick.
(audience applauding)
- Now cut that out, you two.
- Item.
They held a beauty contest
in beautiful downtown
Burbank today.
- One more joke like that,
and we're gonna
send you to Glendale.
- What's a Burbank?
- We'll be right back,
so don't touch that dial.
I told you not to
touch that dial.
- Dear Aggie, I have 14 children
and I'm worried that my
husband doesn't love me.
Signed, Expecting.
Dear Expecting,
don't worry, think what it
would be like if he did love you.
- I sure wish you
could tell that on the air.
- Step right up and
test your strength.
Step right up.
How do you do, madam?
Oh, excuse me, sir.
Would you like to
test your strength?
Just give it a good
whack right here, sir.
Test your strength,
get it up there.
Up to he-man.
(hammer shatters)
- What do you
mean it was our fault?
- The British are coming,
the British are coming!
- What did you say?
- Nevermind.
- Our question tonight,
should there be
love before marriage?
- And to get a
cross-section of opinion,
we have asked a group
of typical Americans
to give us their frank,
soul-searching answers
to this burning question.
- Again, should there
be love before marriage?
- Yes.
- Yes.
- Yes.
- Yes.
- Yes!
- What was the question?
- Should there be
love before marriage?
- Oh yes.
- Oh yeah.
- Yes.
- Should.
- I refuse to answer
on the grounds
it may tend to incriminate me.
- If Tuesday Weld
married Frederick March II,
she'd be Tuesday,
March the second.
- Love is the only game
never postponed on
account of darkness.
- My husband wouldn't
buy me a garter
so I sued him for nonsupport.
- Boy, am I tired.
It took me eight weeks
to paint my house.
- That's ridiculous.
Why didn't you just
photograph it, klutz?
- If I did meet the
girl of my dreams,
what would I do with my wife?
- Are you the kind of
girl who parks with men
on dark country roads?
- Not unless driven to it.
- If you really want
to save money,
marry your second wife first.
- Will whoever left the Saint
Bernard in the parking lot
please go out and get him,
he's burying my Volkswagen.
- I have 300 wives,
and no children.
What is wrong with those girls?
- What has a lampshade
on top and turns on?
My cousin at a party.
- What's the matter
with your arm?
- Oh, it hurts when I do this.
- Well don't do it.
- The second half of the
Rowan and Martin Laugh-In
is brought to you
by... (funky music)
- Anybody can do it.
Come over and
test your strength.
Ah, little lady, would
you like to get...
There you are, little lady.
Just hit it right there
and test your strength.
- Hey gang, tonight Our
Mod, Mod World takes a look
at the hereafter.
We're five undertakers
Who welcome you to Happy Acres
We haven't met you
But someday we might get you
Our chosen profession
Leaves little room
for self-expression
Methods don't vary,
It's always cash and bury
We seldom get to meet first
You always enter feet first
But when your card
game's played out
We help to get you laid out
We have a suspicion
Nobody loves a poor mortician
It would be nice if you try
'Cause we're gonna
get you by and by
Diddly aye die die die die
Die die die, die die die
Die diddly aye die
die die die Die die die
There's nothing much occurring
When days are spent interring
But nights get pretty scary
Around the mortuary
A tisket, a tasket,
We found the blue
and yellow casket
Drop in and give it a try
Don't need to malign us
You better watch that sinus
'Cause we're gonna
get you by and by
Diddly aye die die
die die Die die die
(audience applauding)
- Somebody just said the
subject of Mod, Mod World
is the hereafter.
- The hereafter what?
- The hereafter,
the great beyond.
Where everybody
is going one day.
- Well, I don't
want to talk about it.
- Oh.
All right, as long as
we have that settled,
now we take a
look at the hereafter.
- Not me.
- Come on, you may
as well face it, Dick.
Someday, eventually,
everybody goes somewhere.
- Argentina.
- You're really serious, you
don't want to talk about it.
- You can try,
but I'll avoid it.
- Okay, let's
start with funerals.
- You start with funerals.
- Now, I can't really believe
that you never in your life
have been faced
with this problem.
- Oh, just my uncle.
- Oh, well I'm sorry
to hear that, I didn't...
- Oh, it happened
quite a few years ago.
- Oh, you were in charge
of the arrangements?
You probably took
him to an undertaker?
- No, we took him
to a taxidermist.
- A taxidermist?
- Well, it worked
out kinda well.
You see, just, I thought
that he and my aunt,
they seem happy.
- They seem happy?
In the same house, together?
- Well, they're not
always together.
- Oh.
- Most of the time
she's in the kitchen
and he's out in the parlor,
reading the newspaper.
- He's out in the parlor
reading the newspaper?
- Yeah, once a week I go over
and turn the pages for uncle.
(laughs)
- Well, I can see you just
don't want to talk about it.
Is that what you're
trying to tell me?
You don't want to talk about it.
- You catch on slow.
- Well, we all have
to go sometime.
- That's what they'd
like you to believe.
- You better believe
it, because right now,
we're gonna go to a funeral.
- How's that?
- Laugh-In is having
a funeral tonight.
- The ratings were that bad?
(laughs)
- No, as a matter of fact,
the ratings have been
holding up very well.
- Then what are we
having a funeral for?
- Just so we can see what it
looks like from the other side.
- The other side of what?
- Come on and you'll see.
- Hmm.
- He's not dead,
he's just asleep.
- I've got $100 says he's dead.
- Doesn't he look wonderful?
- Well why shouldn't he?
He just got back from Florida.
- Oh, he looks so natural,
just like he did in real life.
- In life he wore
lipstick and rouge?
- Well just think, he was gonna
play golf with us tomorrow.
It's awful.
- Awful, it's tragic.
Hey no, wait a minute.
Maybe Henderson
will play with us.
- Yeah, we'll check.
- You saved my life in
the army once, Charlie.
Someday I'm gonna
make it up to you.
- Oh, Charlie.
I'm alone.
All alone.
I have no one to look after me.
You know Charlie,
it's just like you,
not to be here
at a time like this.
- Before you do that,
shouldn't I say a prayer?
- I'm afraid he was
an atheist possum.
- Oh, oh, what a shame.
All dressed up,
and no place to go.
- Psst.
Psst.
- We've got to stop
meeting like this,
I think Harold's
getting suspicious.
The rivers keep rolling
Don't ask for whom
the bells are tolling
No need to wonder
The answer's six feet under
- And to my nephew, Theodore,
whom I said I would
mention in my will,
hi there, Theodore.
- Hey, how's your brother?
- He's sick.
- Oh, he's not sick,
he just thinks he's sick.
How's your other brother?
- He thinks he's dead.
Die die die die, die
die die, die die die
Die diddly aye die
die die die Die die die
- I want to talk to
my wife, Margaret.
She was a telephone operator.
- Here me, oh spirit world.
I am calling for Margaret.
Margaret, the
telephone operator.
- [Margaret] Your call, please.
- This is Hugo.
Is that you, Margaret?
- [Margaret] I'm sorry, I
cannot give you that information.
- But I must have
that information.
- [Margaret] I will
give you information.
- [Voiceover] Information.
- I want to talk to
Margaret, my wife.
She's about five
feet four, 26, 24, 36.
- [Voiceover] I'm sorry,
that number's been changed.
Please deposit $20
for three minutes.
- $20?
You can go to the devil.
- [Voiceover] I'll connect you.
- [Voiceover]
Hello, this is hell.
- Hell?
I want to talk to Margaret.
- [Voiceover] Margaret?
- [Margaret] Hugo, is that you?
- What do you know?
He took it with him.
Die die die die, die
die die, die die die
Die diddly aye die
die die die Die die die
- And now, folks,
it's sock it to me time.
- [Multiple Voices] Sock
it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock it
to me, sock it to me...
- Sock it to me, sock
it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock it
to you, sock it to them,
sock it to everybody.
- Little lady, why don't
you try your strength?
It'll be good for you.
Just line up in front
and just hit that
for all you're worth.
Give it a go.
- You a hawk or a dove?
- Both.
- Are you a hawk or a dove?
- Chicken.
- Stick 'em up.
- From Ohio a
gentleman writes...
Dear Aggie, I am not
particularly attractive.
I am short and dumpy with bad
skin and a high-pitched voice.
Is there any chance for me?
Yes.
I suggest that you read and
take hope from my new book,
Life Among the Short,
Dumpy, Bad-Skinned,
High-Pitched Voiced
People of Ohio.
- Hey Dick, when you gonna
give me the $50 you owe me?
- I told you, as soon
as I get it, I'm broke.
- Yeah man, but I
can't wait for ever.
- Hey, stick 'em up.
- Here's the $50 I owe you.
- This is your offstage
announcer reminding you
that tonight's program will
be shown to our fighting forces
in the NBC legal department.
(playing Swan Lake on piano)
(making Donald Duck noises)
- The British are coming,
the British are coming!
- What you say?
- Dummy, you got the wrong war.
- Step right up, you
don't have to be strong
to test your strength,
it's all in the wrist.
Excuse me, sir.
Sir.
Would you like to
test your strength?
Just hit it right here.
Hit it right there, sir.
Right here.
That a boy.
- It says bong!
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- The British are coming,
the British are coming!
- What?
- I said the British are coming.
- Oh, I thought you said
the Yiddish were coming.
- Step right up, step right
up, have a go at the hammer.
Would you like a
go at the hammer?
Why don't you let
the little lady do it.
Step right up there.
All right, little lady, we'll
see how hard you can hit it.
Go ahead.
Give it a go.
- Now that's really old.
- I thought that was funny,
but what does a kid know?
(laughing)
- True or false, Jackie
Gleason is not fat.
He weighs only 95
pounds, but is hollow.
- And so tonight, our
Laugh-In public opinion poll
looks at a very
important question.
Should we revise
our election system?
- Well if you ask me...
- I didn't ask you.
I want to hear what the
man in the street says.
- Well, what's the question?
- Should we revise
our election system?
- Well I think the
president should be drafted
like the soldiers are.
If you can send a young
boy thousands of miles away
to settle the
problems of the world,
why can't you send the
same young boy to Washington
and let him try it from there?
- I say, let's get the elections
out of the hands of the people
and back in the smoke-filled
rooms where they belong!
- Let's make Valentine's
Day election day, hmm?
Send a valentine to the
candidate that you love the best,
and the man who
receives the most valentines
is automatically the president.
This way, we would be
electing the most popular man,
and all the others would
know that we still love them too.
- I forgot the question.
- You're doing it all wrong.
You make so many rules
about your presidents.
You never have had a
good queen, or a king.
- You Americans with
your stupid elections.
What do the people know?
Do it the way we do
in the Soviet Union.
One candidate, then
you have no problems.
Unless he loses,
then you got trouble.
- Well, I could save the
government a lot of trouble,
just send the candidates
to me one by one,
and I'll tell you which
one is the best man.
- Well, does that
answer your question?
- What was the question?
- The preceding was an
unpaid political announcement.
In the past few weeks, Laugh-In
has made comment on smoking,
censorship, violence, crime,
and saluted the establishment,
because we believe that
if you look hard enough,
you can find some good in
everybody, and everything.
- And so tonight, in
keeping with this policy,
the cast of Laugh-In salutes
ex-governor George Wallace.
- And that about wraps
it up for our salute.
- Why I like love-ins,
by Henry Gibson.
I like love-ins because
they are so aeronautical
and full of give.
Well, take for example the way
they furnish fuel
for our daily flights.
In addition, they
fertilize our hearts
and give rise to flowers,
and ferns, and grass.
But most of all, they
help build up cool
by fraying the love wave
and letting it circulate.
If it were not for love-ins,
we would be without floats.
My life up to now has
been flashy, I guess
A poor girl got lucky
and made a success
I came from the East
to this Wonderland town
I'm famous and rich,
but it's getting me down
I live in a mansion,
my pool is immense
I just bought a Rolls
and a Mercedes-Benz
(giggling)
I'm building a bank,
and a brand new motel
Then why must our lives
be like empty old shells?
Well, we've never
been to a love-in
Where they run around nude
dragging girls through the food
Just a jolly
Hollywood love-in, no
We've never attended at all
My dimwitted neighbor,
who barely can speak
Goes to a love-in
like three times a week
My hairdresser told me
while waving his comb
This love-in he threw
was like six nights in Rome
My girlfriend just told
me, I'm sure it's for spite,
She went to a love-in
and stayed half the night
But pick out a place
where the action is slow
And that is the time
we're invited to go
So we've never been to a love-in
Where they pass around
flowers, making nice nice for hours
Just a jolly
Hollywood love-in, no
We've never attended
at all All together
We've never been to a love-in
Where the fun is all had
just by making new friends
Yes, a jolly
Hollywood love-in No
We've never attended
I'm highly offended
My background is spendid
There's malice intended
We've never been
to a love-in, no
We've never attended at all
(audience applauding)
- The British are coming,
the British are coming!
- How soon?
- Don't worry, we
got plenty of time.
(Native Americans yelping)
(arrow fires)
- Go to the fort
and get some help.
- Step right up and
test your strength.
You don't have to be smart.
Excuse me, sir.
Would you like to
test your strength?
Well here, just
take this hammer,
and hit it right down...
Oh, you're gonna use your own.
All right, all's fair.
(flushing)
- The British are coming,
the British are coming!
- We've got to stop
meeting like this,
Harold is getting suspicious.
- Well, it's time to
say good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Sayonara, Dick.
- And next, well, I wanted
to thank you for your letters.
You've been
writing a lot of letters,
and next week, I
think you'll see...
- Hey, I wonder if you'd
mind if I said something
my great-grandmother
once said to me.
- Gee, I wish we had time.
Next week...
- She was in the kitchen
putting up quince jelly at the time
and she got her foot caught
in a bucket of molasses.
The ice man came in and
they slid under the wood stove.
- Oh, gee, that's funny.
I'm glad we
squeezed it in there.
- They were there
for three days.
- Say good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, everybody.
(audience applauding)
- Molasses?
- Old Mother Hubbard
stood by her cupboard
and tried to find
something there.
Along came a cop
and she had to stop,
because old Mother
Hubbard was bare.
- My cousin just
joined the boy scouts.
That girl's going to
amount to something.
- He's so dumb, he thinks an
inkling is a baby fountain pen.
- My boyfriend is so square,
he thinks that the freeway
is Sweden's answer to matrimony.
- What's the lowdown
on Turkey and Greece?
- Oh, they're too fattening.
- Say, does the train
stop in San Francisco?
- Boy, it better, or there's
gonna be a big splash.
- Jack be nimble,
Jack be quicker,
you've got a new job
as a chicken flicker.
- What should I do?
I've swallowed my pen.
- Use your pencil.
- Oh.
(laughs)
- I've heard plenty
about your lovemaking.
- Oh, it's nothing.
- That's what I heard.
- Don't you think every
woman ought to have a mink?
- Certainly not, how
many minks have women?
- Florence is a
nice place to visit,
but I wouldn't
want to live there.
- Since I've been
going to my psychiatrist,
all my confusion is gone.
I go eight days a week.
- Have you ever
seen the solar eclipse?
- No, where's it playing?
- Peter, Peter, pumpkin eater,
had a wife and
couldn't keep her,
pickled her in muskatel
and there she's
keeping very well.
- Knock knock.
- Who's there?
- Freeze.
- Freeze who?
- Freeze a jolly
good fellow, for he's...
- Hey, I just shot 14 ducks.
- Were they wild?
- Well, they weren't
tickled to death.
- Oh.
Oh remember, he who
laughs last is last laugher.
- No, he who laughs
last, laughs last.
- No no, the last laugher
is a laughing laugh...
- The last laugh...
- Laugh yourself,
a clown laughs...
That hurts when I do that.
- Don't do it.
- Oh.
- Find out who's
going to be next.
Excuse me, oh sir?
Would you like to
test your strength?
Oh come along sir,
it won't take long.
Here, test your strength.
Just hit it right there.
(church bells ringing)
- The British are coming,
the British are coming!
- Will you sober
up and get in here?
The war's been
over for two years.
- Would you believe
Sony and Cher?
- The preceding
was recorded earlier
because we were
ashamed to do it now.
- Very interesting.