Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 1, Episode 6 - Larry Storch, Connie Stevens, Nancy Ames, Buddy Hackett, Jerry Lewis, Leonard Nimoy, Ed Platt, Dinah Shore, Paul Williams, The Temptations - full transcript
- [Announcer] The
following program
is brought to you in
living color on NBC.
- And now the house lights dim.
The overture is about to begin.
And here comes Mr. First
Nighter for tonight's concert.
- Does NBC know
this show is on the air?
- Well I certainly hope so.
- And now, direct
from the Starlight Roof
of the Nut and Sweet Shop
here in beautiful
downtown Burbank.
- Did, did, did he say
Nut and Sweet Shop?
- Listen they can't all be gems.
- You need a program to
tell the nuts from the sweets.
- NBC presents Rowan
& Martin's one man show.
("Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In
Theme" by Ian Bernard)
Starring Dan Rowan
and Dick Martin.
With guest stars Larry Storch.
The Temptations.
And special guest
star, Connie Stevens.
With Judy Carne.
Arte Johnson.
And Henry Gibson.
Goldie Hawn.
Larry Hovis.
Roddy Maude-Roxby.
Jo Anne Worley.
Yours truly, Gary Owens.
And Morgul as
the Friendly Drelb.
- Tonight's program
is brought to you
by the charming folks down at...
("Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In
Theme" by Ian Bernard)
- And now moving along
with our one man show,
here is Dan Rowan and
the lovely Dick Martin.
(audience applauds)
- Good evening,
ladies and gentleman.
We're certainly happy
to be back with you
for another hour of madness.
- Hey you know I may
not be able to stay here
for the whole hour.
- Why not?
- Well I may just
have to leave early.
- You can't do that.
- Well I thought after
John Wayne was through
I'd take him to dinner.
- You gonna start
that again tonight?
- What do you mean, I never took
John Wayne to dinner before.
- Well now you know he
isn't coming here this evening.
- Well he didn't tell
me he wasn't coming.
- He didn't tell you
he was coming.
- Well I called him.
- What'd he say?
- He said he was out.
- Dick, now you can't keep
throwing John Wayne's name
around like that, it's not fair.
- I couldn't agree more.
- Well I'm glad to hear that.
- I certainly hope
he knows the way.
(audience laughs)
- You hope who knows the way?
- Robert Mitchum.
- What does he
have to do with it?
- Well he's a good friend
of John Wayne's, isn't he?
- Well so what?
- Well if they're coming here
one of 'em ought
to know the way!
(audience laughs)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
I apologize to you on
behalf of my partner.
John Wayne and Robert
Mitchum, neither one of them,
are going to be
here this evening.
- There's two horses
in the parking lot.
- Whoopee!
- Just happened to be
parked next to Bette Davis' car.
- That must be a thrill.
- Well if Bette Davis
is in the vicinity
you never can tell. (chuckles)
- You never, can
never can tell what?
- Well she may
drop in and see us.
- Well she may not.
- Well right there we
gotta 50/50 chance.
- Oh boy.
Hey if you're through
with all your hallucinations,
it's perfectly alright.
- It's been cleared.
- Did you like that?
- That's one of
the step brothers.
- Yeah let's talk about
some of the people
who are here tonight.
We have a very
lovely lady tonight.
- Ingrid Bergman.
- Now Ingrid Bergman's not here.
- Well it's a name
like Ingrid Bergman.
- Connie Stevens?
- That's it, that's the one.
- That's like Ingrid Bergman.
- Yeah, she's mad about me.
- Connie Stevens
is mad about you?
- Of course not.
- I didn't think so.
- Ingrid Bergman
is mad about me.
- Hey we got one of the
funniest guys here you ever saw,
Larry Storch.
- From F Troop?
- That's the one.
- Oh he just happens to
be one of my favorite's.
- You like him, huh?
- Who?
- Larry Storch.
- From F Troop?
- That's the one.
- He just happens to
be one of my favorite...
- Now cut that out.
Oh and we've got
The Temptations.
- Oh I love her, oh boy.
- It's not her, it's them.
- Them her, her them.
- You don't even
know The Temptations?
- Whom?
- You'm.
- Me'm?
- Yeah'm.
- I do.
- You don't know them.
- I do, too, I can
name all of 'em.
- You can name The Tempt...,
go ahead, name The Temptations.
- Well, there's
envy, greed, lust...
- You can't say that.
- And peanut butter.
- You can't say that.
- Well I could if I was on
the Smothers Brothers Show.
- Hey, what's coming.
- Hi Dick.
- Hi Goldie!
- Folks this is one of
our regular members
of the company, Goldie Hawn.
(audience applauds)
- Isn't she wild?
- Hey could I play
a solo tonight?
- Listen, it's alright with me.
- I didn't know she played
an instrument, did you?
- Full of surprises this kid.
- I guess so.
- Yeah!
- See I play the harp in here.
- No kidding, that's a harp.
- That is a harp, yeah.
- Could I play it now?
- Why not, go ahead.
- Give it a whack.
- Okay.
(Goldie yells and
audience laughs)
- What was that all about?
- Search me.
- Alright.
- No, no, come on,
let's go to the party.
You'd like to come
along too, wouldn't ya?
(audience applauds)
(band music)
- My granddaddy the Colonel says
you just can't be too white.
(audience laughs) (band music)
Y'all think success will
spoil a child de Gaulle?
- You see, your
problem in America
is that you don't
understand de Gaulle.
Our problem in France is, we do.
(audience laughs) (band music)
- I do wish they'd stop the war
so our boys can come
home from Canada.
- Well if the camel eat
only of the olive bush,
think then of the
jealousy of the fig bush.
(audience laughs) (band music)
- What do you have
to call your husband for,
we'll be back in a week.
(audience laughs) (band music)
- Boris says Red
China is our friend.
And when they get here
they're going to prove it.
(laughs hysterically)
(audience laughs) (band music)
- The trouble with
today's children
is they just haven't learned
enough about the bible.
Why it's enough to
try the patience of job.
(audience laughs)
- Very interesting.
But not funny.
(audience laughs) (band music)
- My doctor says I have
the body of a 70 year old.
- That's the most
beautiful thing I ever heard.
(audience laughs) (band music)
- My granddaddy the Colonel says
that Gettysburg was the
American Pearl Harbor.
(audience laughs) (band music)
- Now you take
the French people.
Or better yet, go to Paris
and let the French
people take you.
(audience laughs) (band music)
- With my parents,
the generation gap
is more of a demilitarized zone.
- Which brings to mind the
story of what the dancing girl
gave the shah's bodyguard.
It is a goodie.
(audience laughs) (band music)
- Alright, so you made
your mother a promise.
I made my father
a promise, so what?
(audience laughs) (band music)
- Boris says
capitalism doesn't work.
But then neither does Boris!
(audience laughs) (band music)
- I must say I was
frightfully pleased
when you Americans
made so much of our Twiggy.
- Well why wouldn't we,
we believe all men
are created equal.
(audience laughs) (band music)
- Boris has something
for everybody.
Unless of course,
you bring your wife.
(audience laughs) (band music)
(audience applauds)
(comical buzzing)
(audience laughs)
- Two ball in the side pocket.
- Pshaw.
(stick cracks)
(audience laughs) (band music)
- I want to see my baby.
Somewhere over the rainbow
- Don't do that, you'll
strain your voice.
(audience laughs)
(newspaper crinkles)
- Alright, who stole
the crossword puzzle?
(silly music)
- Well folks out there
in television land,
moving right along now we
spotlight stars of tomorrow today.
It's Laugh-In's new talent time.
(bugle music)
Band, band
sounds a little better.
- Sounded like a couple of
'em started using both lips.
- That must be it.
- The drummer, I think.
- Yeah.
- Hey, gotta surprise
for you tonight.
- You got another goodie, yeah?
- Oh have I got a dandy.
- Ah how'd you
like to forget it.
- Oh no, wait 'til
ya see this surprise.
- Yeah you been
trottin' 'em out here
week after week
and I'm gettin'...
- A little leery.
- You're gonna love it!
- A little leery.
- You're gonna love it!
- You're gonna love it!
- Forget it.
- I'm leaving, you take over.
- Honest, you don't wanna see?
- Don't want any part of it.
- Oh you're gonna be sorry.
Ladies and gentlemen,
for the first time anywhere,
Laugh-In proudly
presents Miss Inga Neilsen.
- Yeah.
(audience applause)
Another ding dong he dug up.
- This is the ding dong.
- Well I'm about to offer
free room and board
for a lifetime.
(audience laughs)
My goodness.
- Hey, you know what she does?
- I don't care what she does.
- Oh she does it well, too.
Miss Neilsen happens
to be the bugle instructor
at the elementary school here
in beautiful downtown Burbank.
Would you like to see
her blow the bugle?
- I shoulda known she
blew bugle, ha ha ha.
She only has to
breathe once a month.
- Alright, now hold up.
Now, be that as it may,
stepping into the
Laugh-In spotlight...
- And filling it
up to tippy top.
- The fickle finger of
fate points with pride
to the lovely Inga Neilsen.
(band music)
(bugle plays poorly)
- Great, great!
Oh beautiful!
Julliard, four years.
Beautiful!
Oh, come on
let's cheer for this.
Now that's talent.
Oh good.
(audience applauds)
Get it baby, get it.
We're goin' home.
Get it.
(audience applauds)
Beautiful, oh!
I never heard
anything like that.
(Dick yells approvingly)
- Most unusual.
- Could you come
back again next week?
- Oh that's the
only song I know.
- Oh we get a lotta
requests for that one.
Oh come on, let's go sit
down and rest your lips.
Come on.
- Well movin' right along
now from the classics
to the more popular vein
we're proud and pleased
to present to you,
direct from India,
the famous Krishna Guru.
(audience applause)
- It always worked
that way in India.
(Krishna grunts and yelps)
- Well, moving right
along in the concert flavor.
Tonight's new top,
don't worry about it,
here are four
lovely young ladies
to sing an old English madrigal.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
The Prunk Sisters.
(audience applauds)
There was an old man
and he had an old sow
How Ow Aye diddle dow
There was an old man
and he had an old sow
La la ba row da re
Oh Susanna's a funny
old man Man Man Man
Susanna's a funny old man
Now this poor old sow
she had nine little pigs
Pigs Pigs Aye diddle digs
Now this poor old sow
she had nine little pigs
La la ba row da re
Oh Susanna's a funny
old man Man Man Man
Susanna's a funny
old (kazoo music)
Man (audience applauds)
- Well that about wraps it up
for tonight's new
talent department.
- You wanna explain
that last song to me?
- No time now, pal,
the fickle finger of fate
has fathomed the
future of the favored few
and having fulfilled
their fondest fantasies,
says farewell.
- Well they ain't gonna
say farewell to all of 'em
because me and the bugle player,
we're gonna start
our own parade.
C'mon honey, hold
that tiger, hold that...
(audience laughs) (band music)
- Two of clubs.
Three of diamonds.
Four of spades.
Jack of diamonds.
- Where are the cards?
- Oh I can't do it with cards.
(audience laughs)
Whenever I feel afraid
I hold my head erect
And cry (cries hysterically)
- Today marks the
birthday of M.L. Drake,
the man who invented
the first concrete canoe.
Mr. Drake would
have been 32 today.
(audience laughs) (band music)
(splashing)
- Well, what do ya think, Omar?
- They'll never get it
off the ground, Harold.
(audience laughs)
- Two cushion bank
shot in the corner pocket.
What do ya think of that?
(audience chuckles)
- Yup, I never
thought you could do it.
- And now, folks,
it's sock it to me time.
(club pops)
- Sock it to me, sock
it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock
it to me. (laughs)
- Sock it to me?
(kazoo blares)
(audience laughs)
- Was that a dove I just saw
fly into the Johnson kitchen?
- I certainly hope so.
(audience laughs) (band music)
- And now folks it's time for
the Rowan & Martin Report,
when each week
Laugh-In looks at the news,
past, present, and future.
What's the news
across the nation
We have got the information
In a way we hope will amuse Yous
We just love to
give you our view
Ya ya ya ya Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looks at the news
- Sing your little
heart out, honey.
Ya ya ya ya Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looks at the news
- [All] Here's Dan.
(audience applauds and cheers)
- Yes and now here with
the news of the present,
the man to whom the
news wouldn't be the news
without the news, here's Dickie.
(audience applauds) (band music)
- We came out together.
Wrong.
Well ladies and gentlemen,
may be the good fairy
pour swarley all
over your kecklepeck.
That oughta get ya.
First item today, the Planned
Parenthood Society today
announced some of
the wonderful things
they won't be doing next year.
So far, today, in 1968, the
marriage rate has gone up
almost 15 percent.
Which means that leap year
has certainly started off with a
- Bang.
- Well cruising right ahead,
today was the day that
Robert Dunn had predicted
the world would come to an end.
Mr. Dunn was
proven correct today
when he was hit by a truck.
(laughs)
Okay, take it away, Goldie.
- And now with the
news of the past.
Twenty years from
now, 1988, here's Dan!
(audience applauds)
- That's news of the future.
Twenty years from now.
1988, the entertainment industry
watches as the battle
continues to wage
between the Smothers
Brothers and the CBS censors.
From the CBS headquarters
in Miami Beach, Florida,
a spokesman for CBS said.
- Bee-beep, bee-beep, bee-beep.
- While the censors
at NBC snapped back
with this crisp comment.
- Gnyee gnyee, gnyee.
- And at the same
time, ABC was saying.
- We don't even have a
show on at that time of night.
(audience laughs)
- While the chairman of the FCC
summarized the
president's position like this.
(loud snores)
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
Item.
Chicago, 1988.
Mr. Scott Vernon celebrated
his 185th birthday, today.
Mr. Vernon is perhaps
the most famous
of the many successful
heart transplant recipients.
We now take you to
Chicago and to Mr. Vernon.
Mr. Vernon, how many
hearts have you received?
- Oh a lot of 'em, you
know, I don't know,
47, 48, they just pop
'em in, I just tick away.
(Scott laughs)
- [Dick] I notice you have
many congratulatory notes
there on the desk.
- Yeah I got a whole
stack-a here cards and things
from people about the
wonderful hearts and all.
I'm gonna get a
zipper put in. (laughs)
- [Dick] May as well.
Our congratulations to you.
Do you have any
message for our viewers?
- Yes I do, just keep
those hearts, and letters,
coming in, folks. (laughs)
Boom boom!
- Now with the news of the
past, Laugh-In goes merrily
back through history to
the good ship Mayflower,
which has just dropped another
anchor in Plymouth Harbor.
- So, as we leave the
good ship Mayflower,
and head forth
into this new land,
which we have named after
our navigator, Americo Vespucci,
we will sing the new national
anthem which bears his name.
Altogether now.
And-a one, and-a two,
and-a three, and-a four.
Vespucci Vespucci
God shed his grace on thee
- Well, here they come.
- Mmm, there go neighborhood.
(audience laughs)
- We come now to our nightly
feature, Analysis of the News,
with Dr. Joyce Mothers,
our news psychiatrist.
- Hello Dr. Mothers, this week
we are taking a look
at Howard Hughes.
- Oh what a coincidence.
I've devoted the last year
to writing a full 150 page
personal, intimate, probing
analysis of dear Howard.
I've entitled it
An Intimate Probing
Analysis of Dear Howard.
(audience laughs)
- Well then, Dr. Mothers,
you're one of the few people
that actually know
Howard Hughes then.
- Uh uh, never met him.
- [Dick] Well then you
certainly have done
considerable
research on his life?
- No, actually I feel that
any real personal knowledge
about someone just
throws me off the track.
- Oh, for instance, we all
know that Howard Hughes
is a very wealthy man.
- I didn't know that.
That would be good for my book.
- From a psychiatrist
standpoint, Dr. Mothers,
why is he doing all this?
- Well as I can
see it, he as a child
obviously led a deprived life.
- Well no actually
he didn't lead a,
he was wealthy even then.
- Well that only goes
to prove my point, hmph.
- [Dick] Analyze someone,
you obviously know
nothing about him.
- Well it's really quite simple.
For instance, the other day, a
woman wrote to me and said,
my husband likes to
come into our living room
after dinner and sit
in my evening gown.
Does he have a problem?
I replied, no, he
solved his problem.
You have the problem.
- Well, thank you, Dr. Mothers.
Next week Dr. Mothers will
be back with her penetrating
analysis of Keith Purcell,
the man and his music.
That's the news
across the nation
Now you've got the information
Thanks a lot we
hope it amused yous
We just love to
give you our view
Ya ya ya ya Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looked at the news
- Well now moving along with
our Rowan & Martin Report,
here's something for
all you sports lovers.
It's time to call 'em as we
seem 'em as Laugh-In takes you
to our live coverage of
the game of the week.
(ticking)
- And now, here's a
very important message.
(tapping)
- Can I get up today?
- Why not.
(guitar string strums)
- Help me up, doctor.
- Doctor, I'm a painter!
Let's hear a song of happiness
Let's march together arm in arm
The way we thought of happiness
The times we
spent out on the farm
We watched the animals at play
I held you while
the trombones play
Sing a song March along
It's the victory
on the farm march
(audience laughs)
- Awwww.
- I like this job.
You get to wear a uniform
and you get to travel around.
We get sent to all the
outposts of the British empire.
Of course, that limits us a bit.
(audience laughs)
- Ole.
- (chuckles) Dick was
supposed to be here
to announce the station break.
Dick!
Dick?
(ticking)
- If the Flying Nun married
the Smothers Brothers,
she'd be Sister Brother?
- If Dinah Shore married John
Byner, she'd be Dinah Biner.
- If Ida Lupino married
Don Ho, she'd be Ida Ho.
- If Sybil Burton
married Ish Kabibble,
she'd be Sybil Kabibble.
- If Cyd Charisse
married Julius Caesar,
she'd be Cyd Caesar.
- If Lady Bird Johnson
married Admiral Berg,
she'd be Lady Bird Berg.
- If Humpty Dumpty
married Hubert Humphrey,
he'd be Humpty Dumpty Humphrey.
- If Queen Elizabeth
married Steve McQueen,
she'd be Queen McQueen.
- If Zsa Zsa Gabor
married Minnie Ha-Ha,
she'd be Zsa Zsa Ha-Ha.
- If Hildegarde
married Liberace,
they still wouldn't
have a last name.
- If Dean Martin
married Frank Sinatra,
there'd be a lotta talk.
- Due to circumstances
beyond our control,
we continue with tonight's show.
- The second half of
Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In
is brought to you by...
- Here, here, here.
Cut that out.
("Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In
Theme" by Ian Bernard)
- And now folks, it's
sock it to me time.
(splashing)
Cute, cute, that's really cute.
Loved it.
- Sock it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock it to me.
- Sock it to who?
- Seven ball in the side pocket.
- That's an easy one, sport.
(audience laughs)
- Darling, we've gotta
stop meeting like this.
I think Harold's
getting suspicious.
- Good fun, what
we call this game?
- Bridge.
- I did it first.
- And now, here's Laugh-In's
girl in the White House.
(fire alarm blares)
- Hi Dan, Nancy
Pickerson here, NBC News.
Right outside the White House.
(woman screams)
Sorry you caught me
on such a dull news day.
There's just nothing happening
around Washington these days.
So I guess it's back to
the Rowan & Martin Report.
- Tonight Mod Mod World
looks at America at play.
Our subject, vacations.
(band music)
Say did you know that
tonight Mod Mod World
takes a look at the
wonderful world of vacations?
- I can hardly wait.
- You like vacations, huh?
- Well I guess so.
You know every year
a whole bunch of us,
we get an ocean
liner and take a trip.
- An ocean liner?
That sounds fun,
where do you go?
- Pike's Peak.
(audience laughs)
- You can't go to Pike's
Peak in an ocean liner.
- Don't tell me,
tell the captain.
(laughing)
- Well, where ya gonna
go this year, Omaha?
- No I thought I'd rent a
car and drive to Europe.
- Well you can't
drive to Europe.
- Why on earth not?
- Well in the first place,
President Johnson says
that foreign travel is out.
- Well that doesn't present
a whole big problem,
I'll just go to Africa then.
- Oh that'll solve it.
- Sure.
- That isn't foreign
travel to you, huh?
- No.
- It isn't in this country, pal.
- What isn't?
- Africa.
- Well a fat lot you may know.
- Somethin' happen since I
turn my back I didn't know about?
- Well we got Alaska, didn't we?
- Yeah.
- And Hawaii?
- Yeah.
Well have you seen
the evening paper yet?
(audience laughs)
- Aw come on.
- How do you know
we haven't got Africa?
- Aw come on now, you
can't, and the president,
when the president
says that all Americans
should stay at home
that's what you should do.
Stay at home.
- Well I'm gonna
miss it, I'm sorry.
- What do you mean
you're gonna miss it.
- Rome!
(laughing)
- Rome?
- Well that's some of
the greatest fun I've ever,
Rome is probably one of
the fondest places I'm of'ed.
- You know what worries me?
- I love Rome.
- Is I'm beginning
to understand that.
- Yeah but I don't think
historically speaking
you've had the fun
in Rome that I have.
- Probably not.
- Well I happen to have
stood on the very spot
where Caesar killed Brutus.
- Caesar didn't kill Brutus.
- Oh I'm glad he pulled through.
- Oh come on, now
you don't understand.
- Oh he had me worried.
- No no no you're
historically incorrect.
Brutus killed Caesar.
- Now I heard it the
other way around.
- You heard that
Caesar killed Brutus?
- Funny, so did I.
- You know what's a fun trip?
- Huh.
- Why don't you go take
a look at Niagara Falls.
- Where?
- Well it isn't right
here, it's in Buffalo.
- Well let's go jump on a
Buffalo and go look at it.
- Ahh jump on your
buffalo and go look at it.
- Can you believe full
grown men acting like that?
- I don't care what anyone
says, I'm gonna go to Europe.
- Yeah I kinda wish you would.
You're gonna go against
the president, huh?
- What could he do to me?
- What could he do, for openers,
when's the last time
you saw a movie
starring George Hamilton?
(audience laughs)
- By George, you're right.
You know he was replaced
by Lyle Talbot last time.
- Read the card.
- You know you're right.
So with that in mind,
let's take a look at Mod
Mod World of Vacations.
- Maybe I shouldn't
have asked ya.
- Hmmm.
- Now, let's see
what the average man
has to say about vacations.
- And how do you
spend your vacations?
- Oh well, actually we're a
bit different from most couples.
Mr. Philbred, my husband,
well in his later years
you know he just lost his
taste for the mountains,
fishing, the ocean,
you know usual things.
So a girlfriend and
I usually just go off
and for the past
four or five years
he's just stayed home and
puttered around the house.
- I see.
- There's a phone call
for you Mrs. Philbred.
- Thank you, dear, excuse me.
- Certainly.
- How long has
she been with you?
- Oh for the past
four or five years.
(audience laughs) (band music)
- Excuse me, ma'am, I
don't mean to be impertinent
but you happen to
be going to Cleveland?
- Yes, yes I am.
- Please don't misunderstand
me, but are you married?
- No, no I'm not,
why do you ask?
- Well this airline
has a vacation special
for married couples
and I thought
that if we were to
pretend that, you know,
we were married
traveling together,
we could save some money.
- I never thought
of that. (giggles)
- Yeah I've seen the
movie on this flight anyway
so they're already ahead of me.
It's not really cheating.
- Okay, what do I do?
- Just act natural.
- [Connie] Okay,
I'll try. (Dan whistles)
You better straighten
your tie though.
- Hmm?
- Straighten up your tie and
brush your hair back a little.
I like you to look nice.
(audience chuckles)
- Alright.
You sit by the window,
I'll take the aisle seat.
- So you can talk to the
stewardess the whole trip?
Not on your life.
You sit by the window.
- But it makes me sick.
- If you'd gone to the doctor
like you were supposed to.
- Me?
- Stop shouting.
- Who's shouting?
- Don't you raise
your voice to me.
- Please, uh...
- Mildred.
Mildred.
You can't even remember my name.
- Shhh Mildred.
- Excuse me,
can I help you, sir?
- Yes, two tourist
tickets to Cleveland.
Family plan.
- Tourist?
You're taking me tourist?
Well I have had it.
I am sick and tired
of your penny pinching
miserable ways and your
sloppy personal habits.
And your continuous
philandering.
We're through.
(audience laughs)
- Excuse me.
You don't happen to be
going to Cleveland, do you?
(audience laughs)
(band music)
- Hey seriously, Dick,
where are you going
to spend your vacation?
- Where else, in beautiful
downtown Burbank.
- Now hold it.
We've been getting a lot
of complaints on the show
about the jokes about
downtown Burbank.
- Folks, believe me, beautiful
downtown Burbank is no joke.
- Well you've done it again.
- What?
I love Burbank.
Why it's the sin center...
- The sun center.
- Sun center, I'm sorry.
Keep those cards, you got,
we got Dean
Martin's cue card man.
It's the sun center of
the San Fernando Valley.
- That's true.
- Why I even wrote
a song about it.
- You wrote a song about it?
- So did I.
- Great, let's hear 'em both.
- Alright.
When you plan your next vacation
See the garden spot
that's fairest in the nation
For a groovy new sensation
Visit downtown Burbank
Slow down when you pass here
There are bloomin' flowers
and tons and tons of grass here
And the nightlife is a gas here
Visit downtown
Burbank Girls are sweet
And boys are kissable
And the weather is swell
You should see the big
municipal water and power
And the nerd hotel
It's a far cry from Tahiti
And there's just a chance
you might see Warren Beatty
It's a beauty It's a sweetie
Visit downtown Burbank
Downtown Burbank U.S.A.
See the pretty pancake house
See the local bank
If you're near a studio you
might see Dean and Frank
See the happy city
hall See the leafy tree
See the famous TV
stars at lovely NBC
Everybody needs diversion
When he gets down in the mouth
If you'd like a chic excursion
Well fabulous Glendale
is a few blocks down
Come on pay a visit
But we don't like people
asking us what is it
Better look sharp
you could miss it
There's a charming
railroad track
With a station in the back
And a choo choo
painted black on the way
To lovely Burbank Happy Burbank
Really Burbank Groovy Burbank
Burbank swings
likes a pendulum new
It's downtown Burbank U.S.A.
(audience applauds)
- Great!
Great!
What's the matter?
- I think that's terrible.
- What's terrible?
- Why that song they just sang.
They didn't show any of the
beautiful parts of Burbank.
They didn't show the schools,
they didn't show the
beautiful churches,
how do you think
he's going to feel?
- How you do you
think who's gonna feel?
- The mayor.
- The mayor of beautiful
downtown Burbank is here?
- Now this is the legitimate
guy, this is the real mayor.
- The real, oh it's
not a kidding around?
- No kidding around.
- It's not a kidding
around mayor.
- Not a kidding, he's a
serious, very nice man.
Ladies and gentlemen, His Honor,
the Mayor of Burbank,
Mr. Charles Compton.
(audience applauds)
This is my partner, Dick Martin.
- Very nice to meet you, sir.
- It's a pleasure
to have you here.
- I want to tell you boys
how pleased all of us are
in Burbank to be the host
city of your wonderful program.
- Well that's very
kind of you to say that
and we appreciate the fact
that you don't
mind a little kidding.
- We like to think
of our Burbank city
as the city with
a sense of humor.
- Well you better have one
because we do a lot
of talkin' about Burbank.
You seem to be a happy man,
you must like being mayor here.
- I certainly do.
- Well does that mean, sir,
that you won't be entering
the California primary?
- No, I'm going to
serve out my full term
as mayor of Burbank.
And then I'm going
to run for president.
- Ha ha!
Remember folks,
you heard it here first.
- Well thank you mayor,
it's a pleasure to
have met you, sir.
Let's hear it for the
mayor of Burbank.
- Ten cheers for the mayor.
(audience applauds)
(silly music)
- Oh we've got to
stop meeting like this.
I think Harold is
getting suspicious.
(audience laughs)
- And now we proudly
introduce The Mothers.
A record breaking
act from Detroit.
(screaming)
On a clear day
You can see Claire Trelvert
(audience laughs)
- You have an inflamed
liver but I wouldn't worry.
- Oh?
Well if you had an inflamed
liver I wouldn't worry either.
(audience laughs)
- The old winter, the best ones.
(audience laughs)
- And now, folks,
it's sock it to me time.
- Sock it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock it to me.
(laughs)
Sock it to yourself.
(audience laughs)
(cracking and splashing)
- Scrambled two.
- I say Connie,
have you ever seen
beautiful downtown
Burbank by candlelight?
- No, Roddy I haven't.
- Well here's a candle, you go
straight down Alameda Avenue
and turn left, you'll
find it somewhere.
- Darling we can't go
on meeting this way.
I think Harold's
getting suspicious.
(audience laughs)
- So remember, send
us five thousand dollars
and a new Rolls-Royce
and we'll send you a
statement in 25 words or less.
(audience laughs)
- Are you sure
blondes have more fun?
- And now over
to you, Miss Mona.
- (laughs) Hi, Mona
Blared here in Hollywood
with a real Hollywood scoop.
(laughs)
- It says here elephants
are found in Africa.
But they're so big,
how do they get lost?
- Alright, you're so smart,
how do you get
down off an elephant?
- You don't get off an elephant,
you get down off a duck.
(audience laughs)
- Alright, guess
what I got in my hand.
- An elephant.
- What color?
- Blue, ha ha ha ha ha.
- Ohhhh.
- Takes you back, don't it?
- Now once again...
- You need a shave.
- That's the back of my head.
- Oh.
- And now, once again.
It's time to meet and
greet the late great,
would you stop that.
The Temptations.
("Get Ready" by The Temptations)
I never met a girl who makes
me feel the way that you do
You're alright
Whenever I'm asked
who makes my dreams real
I say that you do
You're outta sight
So fee fi fo fum
Look out baby 'cause here I come
And I'm bringing
you a love that's true
So get ready so get ready
I'm gonna try to
make you love me too
So get ready so get
ready 'cause here I come
Get ready 'cause here
I come I'm on my way
Get ready 'cause here I come
If you wanna play
hide and seek with love
Let me remind you It's alright
But the lovin' you're gonna miss
And the time it
takes to find you
It's outta sight So
fiddley-dee fiddley-dum
Look out baby 'cause here I come
And I'm bringing
you a love that's true
So get ready so get ready
I'm gonna try to
make you love me too
So get ready so get
ready 'cause here I come
Get ready 'cause here
I come I'm on my way
Get ready 'cause
here I come Get ready
If all my friends
should want you too
I'll understand it Be alright
I hope I get to
you before they do
The way I planned
it Be outta sight
So tweedlee-dee tweedlee-dum
Look out baby 'cause here I come
And I'm bringing
you a love that's true
So get ready so get ready
I'm gonna try to
make you love me too
So get ready so get
ready 'cause here I come
Get ready 'cause here
I come I'm on my way
Get ready 'cause here I come
Get ready 'cause here I come
(audience applause)
- Tonight once
again Laugh-In looks
at an important element
of our every day lives.
- I didn't know that.
- Something that is with
us every hour, every day.
- Is it bigger than a bread box?
- Yes, infinitely.
It is crime.
- Hmm, crime?
- Right, no city in our nation
is free of the
consequences of crime.
- Hold it now, beautiful
downtown Burbank is.
- That may be the
one possible exception.
- Ha ha ha.
A little bit of crime
helps to wind out the time
It keeps policemen busy
And it doesn't cost a dime
Without a little crime or
two the news would be a dud
Without it a-Truman Capote
Would never have
written In Cold Blood
Every dirty deed both
for profit and for greed
Can give a judge and jury
almost anything they need
Listen Jill and Johnny
Take a different
Clyde and Bonnie
And they'll write about your
life in music and in rhyme
And your little
bit little bit little bit
Of crime
- As a businessman, I believe
that we should legalize crime.
Each year more
than 22 million dollars
is stolen from banks alone.
Now the income tax on that
could help pay off
the national debt.
(audience laughs)
Crime is just good
business and it's organized.
- The police have really
begun to crack down
on crime and
criminals almost daily.
Scenes like this are
happening in every major city.
- Ah, this is disgraceful.
Look at this sloppy penmanship.
Look you didn't dot an
i, you didn't cross a t.
It looks like a chicken
walked all over it.
Now you go back over
there and write 300 times,
this is a stickup.
(audience laughs)
(gunfire)
- Excuse me.
Excuse me I hate to
interrupt you. (laughs)
- What do ya want?
- Well I couldn't help noticing
these people down here.
(laughs)
And I thought you
might have something
you might want to tell me.
Off the record, of course.
- You callin' me a killa?
- Oh no, never.
That's a very nice gun.
But I'm wondering,
some of the fellas and I,
and the judge and some lawyers,
are gonna be getting
together next Thursday
down at the courthouse,
and if it's not too inconvenient,
would you come down maybe?
As our guest, of course.
- Thursday?
- Yeah, Thursday.
- You outta your mind, I'm
going to Las Vegas Thursday.
- Oh, oh, well look, here's
my card and if you will,
when you get back in
town, if you think of it,
just give me a call.
I'd appreciate it, okay?
Thanks.
- Police brutality.
- Without crime where
would television be, huh?
What about The Defenders?
What about Eliot Ness?
What about Jerry Lewis?
- Come on,
America, tell the truth.
You all steal a little.
Income tax, expense
accounts, things like that, right?
Well stop it.
Follow the example of
the leaders of industry.
Don't steal a
little, steal a lot!
(audience laughs)
- What about Jerry Lewis?
- Thanks to crime, I know
where my boy is at night.
Cell block 11, Sing Sing.
- Jerry Lewis is in Sing Sing?
- Remember,
stealing is all relative.
So tomorrow,
stick up your uncle.
- Wives of America,
tell the truth.
Now how many shopping
carts have you brought home?
- What about Jerry Lewis?
- And don't forget the
immortal words of Al Capone.
- Happy Valentine's Day!
- That wasn't nice.
Commit a little crime
You may serve a little time
And when your lawyers frees you
You'll be far above your crime
But if you hide your treasure
Your old range
will be a pleasure
And your providence unseated
Living in sublime
With a little bit little
bit little bit little bit
Little bit little bit little
bit little bit little bit
Little bit little bit Of crime
(audience applause)
- What are you doing that for?
- Keeps elephants away.
- Are you kidding?
There's not an elephant within
a thousand miles from here.
- You see, it works!
(audience laughs)
- They know 'em all.
(silly music)
- Get some rose or ride with it.
- I was gonna get
a hardware store.
- Dan, Dan can I talk
to you for a minute?
I'm a bit worried.
- What about?
- They got some
- fellas back there.
And they got it rigged up
to fly me through the air.
- Yeah.
- Now, it makes me nervous.
I'm worried about it.
- Oh well, think
no more about it.
- If you don't
wanna do it, it's out.
- That's it.
- Oh you're kidding, really?
- [Dan And Dick] No!
- You'd do that for me?
- Of course.
- Sure.
- You mean I don't
have to take the chance
of gettin' hurt or anything?
- Don't be silly.
- No sir, word of honor.
- Oh that's great.
Oh I feel so much
better, you don't know.
You just got no idea
how... (guitar strums)
(audience laughs)
- Well that's one less.
(silly music)
- You know what my gripe is?
I'm sick and tired of hearing
all those jokes about chickens.
Every other group has
someone to protect 'em.
Nobody's protecting
the chickens.
Why does a chicken
cross the road?
Huh, is that funny?
I know a lotta chickens
that don't think that's funny.
For me, I love chickens.
Especially the legs.
(audience laughs)
- If they don't like it here,
why don't they go back
where they came from?
(audience laughs and applauds)
- Come on, it's
your shot, shoot!
- Okay I'll shoot.
(gunfire)
- Ahhhh!
(audience laughs)
- Well it's time to
say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
(Judy grunts)
- Goodnight Dick.
(water splashing)
- Muah.
- And we have a lulu
for you next week.
You wanna be sure...
- Hey I'd wonder if you'd
mind if I said goodnight
to a very old and
dear friend of mine.
- I wouldn't mind
but the FCC objects.
- I don't know anyone
with those initials.
So I wonder if I
could say goodnight
to an old and very
dear friend of mine.
- It's probably gonna
speed things along
if you just went
ahead and did it.
- Yeah go ahead.
- Thank you.
- Goodnight, John
Wayne, wherever you are.
(audience laughs)
- Say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Good night everybody,
hope you had a good time.
(band music) (audience applauds)
- Did you hear about the farmer
who crossed an
elephant with a hen?
- No, tell us about it.
- Every time she sits
down she cracks her eggs.
- See there's
another chicken joke.
- Do you like tea?
- Oh yes.
I also like B, R, W, and V.
But I really love chickens!
- Knock knock.
- Who's there?
- USA.
- USA who?
- USA lovely girl, Connie.
- The most difficult year of
marriage is the one you're in.
- As Sigmund Freud
once said in Vienna,
(speaks in a
pseudo-foreign language)
with soap in the bathtub.
- What is three feet
high and has four legs?
- Two midgets.
- I don't like my psychiatrist,
but I can't leave him,
he's such an
insecure little man.
And he loves chickens!
(laughs hysterically)
- Hey did you watch
the basketball game
last night on television?
- Oh golly, I couldn't,
I had to go out to
the basketball game.
- My husband's away in
Mexico shooting peasants.
- You mean pheasants,
you don't know your hunting.
- No, dummy, I mean peasants.
You don't know my husband.
Is a pheasant a chicken?
(cries hysterically)
- It took my analyst two years,
but he finally got to
the root of the problem.
I'm out of my mind.
- Knock knock.
- Who's there?
- Wait a minute, I'll go look.
(deep exhaling)
- Knock knock.
- Who's there.
- I don't know,
I'm still looking.
- I don't like Viet Cong,
'cause in the movies
he nearly wrecked
the Empire State Building.
- Here, pick a card.
Hey that's a good one.
- Knock knock.
- Who's there?
- Joe.
- Joe who?
- Joe all come back and see
us again real soon now, ya hear?
- Eight ball in.
- Yeah yeah yeah.
- It's my game.
- Yeah yeah yeah.
- Alright.
(audience laughs)
- Darling, we've got to
stop meeting like this.
I think Harold's
getting suspicious.
(Dick hums)
- Well folks, that about
wraps it up for tonight.
(audience laughs)
- Very interesting.
But stupid.
- Preceding was recorded earlier
because we were just not
sure about the whole thing.
(clapping)
following program
is brought to you in
living color on NBC.
- And now the house lights dim.
The overture is about to begin.
And here comes Mr. First
Nighter for tonight's concert.
- Does NBC know
this show is on the air?
- Well I certainly hope so.
- And now, direct
from the Starlight Roof
of the Nut and Sweet Shop
here in beautiful
downtown Burbank.
- Did, did, did he say
Nut and Sweet Shop?
- Listen they can't all be gems.
- You need a program to
tell the nuts from the sweets.
- NBC presents Rowan
& Martin's one man show.
("Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In
Theme" by Ian Bernard)
Starring Dan Rowan
and Dick Martin.
With guest stars Larry Storch.
The Temptations.
And special guest
star, Connie Stevens.
With Judy Carne.
Arte Johnson.
And Henry Gibson.
Goldie Hawn.
Larry Hovis.
Roddy Maude-Roxby.
Jo Anne Worley.
Yours truly, Gary Owens.
And Morgul as
the Friendly Drelb.
- Tonight's program
is brought to you
by the charming folks down at...
("Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In
Theme" by Ian Bernard)
- And now moving along
with our one man show,
here is Dan Rowan and
the lovely Dick Martin.
(audience applauds)
- Good evening,
ladies and gentleman.
We're certainly happy
to be back with you
for another hour of madness.
- Hey you know I may
not be able to stay here
for the whole hour.
- Why not?
- Well I may just
have to leave early.
- You can't do that.
- Well I thought after
John Wayne was through
I'd take him to dinner.
- You gonna start
that again tonight?
- What do you mean, I never took
John Wayne to dinner before.
- Well now you know he
isn't coming here this evening.
- Well he didn't tell
me he wasn't coming.
- He didn't tell you
he was coming.
- Well I called him.
- What'd he say?
- He said he was out.
- Dick, now you can't keep
throwing John Wayne's name
around like that, it's not fair.
- I couldn't agree more.
- Well I'm glad to hear that.
- I certainly hope
he knows the way.
(audience laughs)
- You hope who knows the way?
- Robert Mitchum.
- What does he
have to do with it?
- Well he's a good friend
of John Wayne's, isn't he?
- Well so what?
- Well if they're coming here
one of 'em ought
to know the way!
(audience laughs)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
I apologize to you on
behalf of my partner.
John Wayne and Robert
Mitchum, neither one of them,
are going to be
here this evening.
- There's two horses
in the parking lot.
- Whoopee!
- Just happened to be
parked next to Bette Davis' car.
- That must be a thrill.
- Well if Bette Davis
is in the vicinity
you never can tell. (chuckles)
- You never, can
never can tell what?
- Well she may
drop in and see us.
- Well she may not.
- Well right there we
gotta 50/50 chance.
- Oh boy.
Hey if you're through
with all your hallucinations,
it's perfectly alright.
- It's been cleared.
- Did you like that?
- That's one of
the step brothers.
- Yeah let's talk about
some of the people
who are here tonight.
We have a very
lovely lady tonight.
- Ingrid Bergman.
- Now Ingrid Bergman's not here.
- Well it's a name
like Ingrid Bergman.
- Connie Stevens?
- That's it, that's the one.
- That's like Ingrid Bergman.
- Yeah, she's mad about me.
- Connie Stevens
is mad about you?
- Of course not.
- I didn't think so.
- Ingrid Bergman
is mad about me.
- Hey we got one of the
funniest guys here you ever saw,
Larry Storch.
- From F Troop?
- That's the one.
- Oh he just happens to
be one of my favorite's.
- You like him, huh?
- Who?
- Larry Storch.
- From F Troop?
- That's the one.
- He just happens to
be one of my favorite...
- Now cut that out.
Oh and we've got
The Temptations.
- Oh I love her, oh boy.
- It's not her, it's them.
- Them her, her them.
- You don't even
know The Temptations?
- Whom?
- You'm.
- Me'm?
- Yeah'm.
- I do.
- You don't know them.
- I do, too, I can
name all of 'em.
- You can name The Tempt...,
go ahead, name The Temptations.
- Well, there's
envy, greed, lust...
- You can't say that.
- And peanut butter.
- You can't say that.
- Well I could if I was on
the Smothers Brothers Show.
- Hey, what's coming.
- Hi Dick.
- Hi Goldie!
- Folks this is one of
our regular members
of the company, Goldie Hawn.
(audience applauds)
- Isn't she wild?
- Hey could I play
a solo tonight?
- Listen, it's alright with me.
- I didn't know she played
an instrument, did you?
- Full of surprises this kid.
- I guess so.
- Yeah!
- See I play the harp in here.
- No kidding, that's a harp.
- That is a harp, yeah.
- Could I play it now?
- Why not, go ahead.
- Give it a whack.
- Okay.
(Goldie yells and
audience laughs)
- What was that all about?
- Search me.
- Alright.
- No, no, come on,
let's go to the party.
You'd like to come
along too, wouldn't ya?
(audience applauds)
(band music)
- My granddaddy the Colonel says
you just can't be too white.
(audience laughs) (band music)
Y'all think success will
spoil a child de Gaulle?
- You see, your
problem in America
is that you don't
understand de Gaulle.
Our problem in France is, we do.
(audience laughs) (band music)
- I do wish they'd stop the war
so our boys can come
home from Canada.
- Well if the camel eat
only of the olive bush,
think then of the
jealousy of the fig bush.
(audience laughs) (band music)
- What do you have
to call your husband for,
we'll be back in a week.
(audience laughs) (band music)
- Boris says Red
China is our friend.
And when they get here
they're going to prove it.
(laughs hysterically)
(audience laughs) (band music)
- The trouble with
today's children
is they just haven't learned
enough about the bible.
Why it's enough to
try the patience of job.
(audience laughs)
- Very interesting.
But not funny.
(audience laughs) (band music)
- My doctor says I have
the body of a 70 year old.
- That's the most
beautiful thing I ever heard.
(audience laughs) (band music)
- My granddaddy the Colonel says
that Gettysburg was the
American Pearl Harbor.
(audience laughs) (band music)
- Now you take
the French people.
Or better yet, go to Paris
and let the French
people take you.
(audience laughs) (band music)
- With my parents,
the generation gap
is more of a demilitarized zone.
- Which brings to mind the
story of what the dancing girl
gave the shah's bodyguard.
It is a goodie.
(audience laughs) (band music)
- Alright, so you made
your mother a promise.
I made my father
a promise, so what?
(audience laughs) (band music)
- Boris says
capitalism doesn't work.
But then neither does Boris!
(audience laughs) (band music)
- I must say I was
frightfully pleased
when you Americans
made so much of our Twiggy.
- Well why wouldn't we,
we believe all men
are created equal.
(audience laughs) (band music)
- Boris has something
for everybody.
Unless of course,
you bring your wife.
(audience laughs) (band music)
(audience applauds)
(comical buzzing)
(audience laughs)
- Two ball in the side pocket.
- Pshaw.
(stick cracks)
(audience laughs) (band music)
- I want to see my baby.
Somewhere over the rainbow
- Don't do that, you'll
strain your voice.
(audience laughs)
(newspaper crinkles)
- Alright, who stole
the crossword puzzle?
(silly music)
- Well folks out there
in television land,
moving right along now we
spotlight stars of tomorrow today.
It's Laugh-In's new talent time.
(bugle music)
Band, band
sounds a little better.
- Sounded like a couple of
'em started using both lips.
- That must be it.
- The drummer, I think.
- Yeah.
- Hey, gotta surprise
for you tonight.
- You got another goodie, yeah?
- Oh have I got a dandy.
- Ah how'd you
like to forget it.
- Oh no, wait 'til
ya see this surprise.
- Yeah you been
trottin' 'em out here
week after week
and I'm gettin'...
- A little leery.
- You're gonna love it!
- A little leery.
- You're gonna love it!
- You're gonna love it!
- Forget it.
- I'm leaving, you take over.
- Honest, you don't wanna see?
- Don't want any part of it.
- Oh you're gonna be sorry.
Ladies and gentlemen,
for the first time anywhere,
Laugh-In proudly
presents Miss Inga Neilsen.
- Yeah.
(audience applause)
Another ding dong he dug up.
- This is the ding dong.
- Well I'm about to offer
free room and board
for a lifetime.
(audience laughs)
My goodness.
- Hey, you know what she does?
- I don't care what she does.
- Oh she does it well, too.
Miss Neilsen happens
to be the bugle instructor
at the elementary school here
in beautiful downtown Burbank.
Would you like to see
her blow the bugle?
- I shoulda known she
blew bugle, ha ha ha.
She only has to
breathe once a month.
- Alright, now hold up.
Now, be that as it may,
stepping into the
Laugh-In spotlight...
- And filling it
up to tippy top.
- The fickle finger of
fate points with pride
to the lovely Inga Neilsen.
(band music)
(bugle plays poorly)
- Great, great!
Oh beautiful!
Julliard, four years.
Beautiful!
Oh, come on
let's cheer for this.
Now that's talent.
Oh good.
(audience applauds)
Get it baby, get it.
We're goin' home.
Get it.
(audience applauds)
Beautiful, oh!
I never heard
anything like that.
(Dick yells approvingly)
- Most unusual.
- Could you come
back again next week?
- Oh that's the
only song I know.
- Oh we get a lotta
requests for that one.
Oh come on, let's go sit
down and rest your lips.
Come on.
- Well movin' right along
now from the classics
to the more popular vein
we're proud and pleased
to present to you,
direct from India,
the famous Krishna Guru.
(audience applause)
- It always worked
that way in India.
(Krishna grunts and yelps)
- Well, moving right
along in the concert flavor.
Tonight's new top,
don't worry about it,
here are four
lovely young ladies
to sing an old English madrigal.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
The Prunk Sisters.
(audience applauds)
There was an old man
and he had an old sow
How Ow Aye diddle dow
There was an old man
and he had an old sow
La la ba row da re
Oh Susanna's a funny
old man Man Man Man
Susanna's a funny old man
Now this poor old sow
she had nine little pigs
Pigs Pigs Aye diddle digs
Now this poor old sow
she had nine little pigs
La la ba row da re
Oh Susanna's a funny
old man Man Man Man
Susanna's a funny
old (kazoo music)
Man (audience applauds)
- Well that about wraps it up
for tonight's new
talent department.
- You wanna explain
that last song to me?
- No time now, pal,
the fickle finger of fate
has fathomed the
future of the favored few
and having fulfilled
their fondest fantasies,
says farewell.
- Well they ain't gonna
say farewell to all of 'em
because me and the bugle player,
we're gonna start
our own parade.
C'mon honey, hold
that tiger, hold that...
(audience laughs) (band music)
- Two of clubs.
Three of diamonds.
Four of spades.
Jack of diamonds.
- Where are the cards?
- Oh I can't do it with cards.
(audience laughs)
Whenever I feel afraid
I hold my head erect
And cry (cries hysterically)
- Today marks the
birthday of M.L. Drake,
the man who invented
the first concrete canoe.
Mr. Drake would
have been 32 today.
(audience laughs) (band music)
(splashing)
- Well, what do ya think, Omar?
- They'll never get it
off the ground, Harold.
(audience laughs)
- Two cushion bank
shot in the corner pocket.
What do ya think of that?
(audience chuckles)
- Yup, I never
thought you could do it.
- And now, folks,
it's sock it to me time.
(club pops)
- Sock it to me, sock
it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock
it to me. (laughs)
- Sock it to me?
(kazoo blares)
(audience laughs)
- Was that a dove I just saw
fly into the Johnson kitchen?
- I certainly hope so.
(audience laughs) (band music)
- And now folks it's time for
the Rowan & Martin Report,
when each week
Laugh-In looks at the news,
past, present, and future.
What's the news
across the nation
We have got the information
In a way we hope will amuse Yous
We just love to
give you our view
Ya ya ya ya Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looks at the news
- Sing your little
heart out, honey.
Ya ya ya ya Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looks at the news
- [All] Here's Dan.
(audience applauds and cheers)
- Yes and now here with
the news of the present,
the man to whom the
news wouldn't be the news
without the news, here's Dickie.
(audience applauds) (band music)
- We came out together.
Wrong.
Well ladies and gentlemen,
may be the good fairy
pour swarley all
over your kecklepeck.
That oughta get ya.
First item today, the Planned
Parenthood Society today
announced some of
the wonderful things
they won't be doing next year.
So far, today, in 1968, the
marriage rate has gone up
almost 15 percent.
Which means that leap year
has certainly started off with a
- Bang.
- Well cruising right ahead,
today was the day that
Robert Dunn had predicted
the world would come to an end.
Mr. Dunn was
proven correct today
when he was hit by a truck.
(laughs)
Okay, take it away, Goldie.
- And now with the
news of the past.
Twenty years from
now, 1988, here's Dan!
(audience applauds)
- That's news of the future.
Twenty years from now.
1988, the entertainment industry
watches as the battle
continues to wage
between the Smothers
Brothers and the CBS censors.
From the CBS headquarters
in Miami Beach, Florida,
a spokesman for CBS said.
- Bee-beep, bee-beep, bee-beep.
- While the censors
at NBC snapped back
with this crisp comment.
- Gnyee gnyee, gnyee.
- And at the same
time, ABC was saying.
- We don't even have a
show on at that time of night.
(audience laughs)
- While the chairman of the FCC
summarized the
president's position like this.
(loud snores)
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
Item.
Chicago, 1988.
Mr. Scott Vernon celebrated
his 185th birthday, today.
Mr. Vernon is perhaps
the most famous
of the many successful
heart transplant recipients.
We now take you to
Chicago and to Mr. Vernon.
Mr. Vernon, how many
hearts have you received?
- Oh a lot of 'em, you
know, I don't know,
47, 48, they just pop
'em in, I just tick away.
(Scott laughs)
- [Dick] I notice you have
many congratulatory notes
there on the desk.
- Yeah I got a whole
stack-a here cards and things
from people about the
wonderful hearts and all.
I'm gonna get a
zipper put in. (laughs)
- [Dick] May as well.
Our congratulations to you.
Do you have any
message for our viewers?
- Yes I do, just keep
those hearts, and letters,
coming in, folks. (laughs)
Boom boom!
- Now with the news of the
past, Laugh-In goes merrily
back through history to
the good ship Mayflower,
which has just dropped another
anchor in Plymouth Harbor.
- So, as we leave the
good ship Mayflower,
and head forth
into this new land,
which we have named after
our navigator, Americo Vespucci,
we will sing the new national
anthem which bears his name.
Altogether now.
And-a one, and-a two,
and-a three, and-a four.
Vespucci Vespucci
God shed his grace on thee
- Well, here they come.
- Mmm, there go neighborhood.
(audience laughs)
- We come now to our nightly
feature, Analysis of the News,
with Dr. Joyce Mothers,
our news psychiatrist.
- Hello Dr. Mothers, this week
we are taking a look
at Howard Hughes.
- Oh what a coincidence.
I've devoted the last year
to writing a full 150 page
personal, intimate, probing
analysis of dear Howard.
I've entitled it
An Intimate Probing
Analysis of Dear Howard.
(audience laughs)
- Well then, Dr. Mothers,
you're one of the few people
that actually know
Howard Hughes then.
- Uh uh, never met him.
- [Dick] Well then you
certainly have done
considerable
research on his life?
- No, actually I feel that
any real personal knowledge
about someone just
throws me off the track.
- Oh, for instance, we all
know that Howard Hughes
is a very wealthy man.
- I didn't know that.
That would be good for my book.
- From a psychiatrist
standpoint, Dr. Mothers,
why is he doing all this?
- Well as I can
see it, he as a child
obviously led a deprived life.
- Well no actually
he didn't lead a,
he was wealthy even then.
- Well that only goes
to prove my point, hmph.
- [Dick] Analyze someone,
you obviously know
nothing about him.
- Well it's really quite simple.
For instance, the other day, a
woman wrote to me and said,
my husband likes to
come into our living room
after dinner and sit
in my evening gown.
Does he have a problem?
I replied, no, he
solved his problem.
You have the problem.
- Well, thank you, Dr. Mothers.
Next week Dr. Mothers will
be back with her penetrating
analysis of Keith Purcell,
the man and his music.
That's the news
across the nation
Now you've got the information
Thanks a lot we
hope it amused yous
We just love to
give you our view
Ya ya ya ya Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looked at the news
- Well now moving along with
our Rowan & Martin Report,
here's something for
all you sports lovers.
It's time to call 'em as we
seem 'em as Laugh-In takes you
to our live coverage of
the game of the week.
(ticking)
- And now, here's a
very important message.
(tapping)
- Can I get up today?
- Why not.
(guitar string strums)
- Help me up, doctor.
- Doctor, I'm a painter!
Let's hear a song of happiness
Let's march together arm in arm
The way we thought of happiness
The times we
spent out on the farm
We watched the animals at play
I held you while
the trombones play
Sing a song March along
It's the victory
on the farm march
(audience laughs)
- Awwww.
- I like this job.
You get to wear a uniform
and you get to travel around.
We get sent to all the
outposts of the British empire.
Of course, that limits us a bit.
(audience laughs)
- Ole.
- (chuckles) Dick was
supposed to be here
to announce the station break.
Dick!
Dick?
(ticking)
- If the Flying Nun married
the Smothers Brothers,
she'd be Sister Brother?
- If Dinah Shore married John
Byner, she'd be Dinah Biner.
- If Ida Lupino married
Don Ho, she'd be Ida Ho.
- If Sybil Burton
married Ish Kabibble,
she'd be Sybil Kabibble.
- If Cyd Charisse
married Julius Caesar,
she'd be Cyd Caesar.
- If Lady Bird Johnson
married Admiral Berg,
she'd be Lady Bird Berg.
- If Humpty Dumpty
married Hubert Humphrey,
he'd be Humpty Dumpty Humphrey.
- If Queen Elizabeth
married Steve McQueen,
she'd be Queen McQueen.
- If Zsa Zsa Gabor
married Minnie Ha-Ha,
she'd be Zsa Zsa Ha-Ha.
- If Hildegarde
married Liberace,
they still wouldn't
have a last name.
- If Dean Martin
married Frank Sinatra,
there'd be a lotta talk.
- Due to circumstances
beyond our control,
we continue with tonight's show.
- The second half of
Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In
is brought to you by...
- Here, here, here.
Cut that out.
("Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In
Theme" by Ian Bernard)
- And now folks, it's
sock it to me time.
(splashing)
Cute, cute, that's really cute.
Loved it.
- Sock it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock it to me.
- Sock it to who?
- Seven ball in the side pocket.
- That's an easy one, sport.
(audience laughs)
- Darling, we've gotta
stop meeting like this.
I think Harold's
getting suspicious.
- Good fun, what
we call this game?
- Bridge.
- I did it first.
- And now, here's Laugh-In's
girl in the White House.
(fire alarm blares)
- Hi Dan, Nancy
Pickerson here, NBC News.
Right outside the White House.
(woman screams)
Sorry you caught me
on such a dull news day.
There's just nothing happening
around Washington these days.
So I guess it's back to
the Rowan & Martin Report.
- Tonight Mod Mod World
looks at America at play.
Our subject, vacations.
(band music)
Say did you know that
tonight Mod Mod World
takes a look at the
wonderful world of vacations?
- I can hardly wait.
- You like vacations, huh?
- Well I guess so.
You know every year
a whole bunch of us,
we get an ocean
liner and take a trip.
- An ocean liner?
That sounds fun,
where do you go?
- Pike's Peak.
(audience laughs)
- You can't go to Pike's
Peak in an ocean liner.
- Don't tell me,
tell the captain.
(laughing)
- Well, where ya gonna
go this year, Omaha?
- No I thought I'd rent a
car and drive to Europe.
- Well you can't
drive to Europe.
- Why on earth not?
- Well in the first place,
President Johnson says
that foreign travel is out.
- Well that doesn't present
a whole big problem,
I'll just go to Africa then.
- Oh that'll solve it.
- Sure.
- That isn't foreign
travel to you, huh?
- No.
- It isn't in this country, pal.
- What isn't?
- Africa.
- Well a fat lot you may know.
- Somethin' happen since I
turn my back I didn't know about?
- Well we got Alaska, didn't we?
- Yeah.
- And Hawaii?
- Yeah.
Well have you seen
the evening paper yet?
(audience laughs)
- Aw come on.
- How do you know
we haven't got Africa?
- Aw come on now, you
can't, and the president,
when the president
says that all Americans
should stay at home
that's what you should do.
Stay at home.
- Well I'm gonna
miss it, I'm sorry.
- What do you mean
you're gonna miss it.
- Rome!
(laughing)
- Rome?
- Well that's some of
the greatest fun I've ever,
Rome is probably one of
the fondest places I'm of'ed.
- You know what worries me?
- I love Rome.
- Is I'm beginning
to understand that.
- Yeah but I don't think
historically speaking
you've had the fun
in Rome that I have.
- Probably not.
- Well I happen to have
stood on the very spot
where Caesar killed Brutus.
- Caesar didn't kill Brutus.
- Oh I'm glad he pulled through.
- Oh come on, now
you don't understand.
- Oh he had me worried.
- No no no you're
historically incorrect.
Brutus killed Caesar.
- Now I heard it the
other way around.
- You heard that
Caesar killed Brutus?
- Funny, so did I.
- You know what's a fun trip?
- Huh.
- Why don't you go take
a look at Niagara Falls.
- Where?
- Well it isn't right
here, it's in Buffalo.
- Well let's go jump on a
Buffalo and go look at it.
- Ahh jump on your
buffalo and go look at it.
- Can you believe full
grown men acting like that?
- I don't care what anyone
says, I'm gonna go to Europe.
- Yeah I kinda wish you would.
You're gonna go against
the president, huh?
- What could he do to me?
- What could he do, for openers,
when's the last time
you saw a movie
starring George Hamilton?
(audience laughs)
- By George, you're right.
You know he was replaced
by Lyle Talbot last time.
- Read the card.
- You know you're right.
So with that in mind,
let's take a look at Mod
Mod World of Vacations.
- Maybe I shouldn't
have asked ya.
- Hmmm.
- Now, let's see
what the average man
has to say about vacations.
- And how do you
spend your vacations?
- Oh well, actually we're a
bit different from most couples.
Mr. Philbred, my husband,
well in his later years
you know he just lost his
taste for the mountains,
fishing, the ocean,
you know usual things.
So a girlfriend and
I usually just go off
and for the past
four or five years
he's just stayed home and
puttered around the house.
- I see.
- There's a phone call
for you Mrs. Philbred.
- Thank you, dear, excuse me.
- Certainly.
- How long has
she been with you?
- Oh for the past
four or five years.
(audience laughs) (band music)
- Excuse me, ma'am, I
don't mean to be impertinent
but you happen to
be going to Cleveland?
- Yes, yes I am.
- Please don't misunderstand
me, but are you married?
- No, no I'm not,
why do you ask?
- Well this airline
has a vacation special
for married couples
and I thought
that if we were to
pretend that, you know,
we were married
traveling together,
we could save some money.
- I never thought
of that. (giggles)
- Yeah I've seen the
movie on this flight anyway
so they're already ahead of me.
It's not really cheating.
- Okay, what do I do?
- Just act natural.
- [Connie] Okay,
I'll try. (Dan whistles)
You better straighten
your tie though.
- Hmm?
- Straighten up your tie and
brush your hair back a little.
I like you to look nice.
(audience chuckles)
- Alright.
You sit by the window,
I'll take the aisle seat.
- So you can talk to the
stewardess the whole trip?
Not on your life.
You sit by the window.
- But it makes me sick.
- If you'd gone to the doctor
like you were supposed to.
- Me?
- Stop shouting.
- Who's shouting?
- Don't you raise
your voice to me.
- Please, uh...
- Mildred.
Mildred.
You can't even remember my name.
- Shhh Mildred.
- Excuse me,
can I help you, sir?
- Yes, two tourist
tickets to Cleveland.
Family plan.
- Tourist?
You're taking me tourist?
Well I have had it.
I am sick and tired
of your penny pinching
miserable ways and your
sloppy personal habits.
And your continuous
philandering.
We're through.
(audience laughs)
- Excuse me.
You don't happen to be
going to Cleveland, do you?
(audience laughs)
(band music)
- Hey seriously, Dick,
where are you going
to spend your vacation?
- Where else, in beautiful
downtown Burbank.
- Now hold it.
We've been getting a lot
of complaints on the show
about the jokes about
downtown Burbank.
- Folks, believe me, beautiful
downtown Burbank is no joke.
- Well you've done it again.
- What?
I love Burbank.
Why it's the sin center...
- The sun center.
- Sun center, I'm sorry.
Keep those cards, you got,
we got Dean
Martin's cue card man.
It's the sun center of
the San Fernando Valley.
- That's true.
- Why I even wrote
a song about it.
- You wrote a song about it?
- So did I.
- Great, let's hear 'em both.
- Alright.
When you plan your next vacation
See the garden spot
that's fairest in the nation
For a groovy new sensation
Visit downtown Burbank
Slow down when you pass here
There are bloomin' flowers
and tons and tons of grass here
And the nightlife is a gas here
Visit downtown
Burbank Girls are sweet
And boys are kissable
And the weather is swell
You should see the big
municipal water and power
And the nerd hotel
It's a far cry from Tahiti
And there's just a chance
you might see Warren Beatty
It's a beauty It's a sweetie
Visit downtown Burbank
Downtown Burbank U.S.A.
See the pretty pancake house
See the local bank
If you're near a studio you
might see Dean and Frank
See the happy city
hall See the leafy tree
See the famous TV
stars at lovely NBC
Everybody needs diversion
When he gets down in the mouth
If you'd like a chic excursion
Well fabulous Glendale
is a few blocks down
Come on pay a visit
But we don't like people
asking us what is it
Better look sharp
you could miss it
There's a charming
railroad track
With a station in the back
And a choo choo
painted black on the way
To lovely Burbank Happy Burbank
Really Burbank Groovy Burbank
Burbank swings
likes a pendulum new
It's downtown Burbank U.S.A.
(audience applauds)
- Great!
Great!
What's the matter?
- I think that's terrible.
- What's terrible?
- Why that song they just sang.
They didn't show any of the
beautiful parts of Burbank.
They didn't show the schools,
they didn't show the
beautiful churches,
how do you think
he's going to feel?
- How you do you
think who's gonna feel?
- The mayor.
- The mayor of beautiful
downtown Burbank is here?
- Now this is the legitimate
guy, this is the real mayor.
- The real, oh it's
not a kidding around?
- No kidding around.
- It's not a kidding
around mayor.
- Not a kidding, he's a
serious, very nice man.
Ladies and gentlemen, His Honor,
the Mayor of Burbank,
Mr. Charles Compton.
(audience applauds)
This is my partner, Dick Martin.
- Very nice to meet you, sir.
- It's a pleasure
to have you here.
- I want to tell you boys
how pleased all of us are
in Burbank to be the host
city of your wonderful program.
- Well that's very
kind of you to say that
and we appreciate the fact
that you don't
mind a little kidding.
- We like to think
of our Burbank city
as the city with
a sense of humor.
- Well you better have one
because we do a lot
of talkin' about Burbank.
You seem to be a happy man,
you must like being mayor here.
- I certainly do.
- Well does that mean, sir,
that you won't be entering
the California primary?
- No, I'm going to
serve out my full term
as mayor of Burbank.
And then I'm going
to run for president.
- Ha ha!
Remember folks,
you heard it here first.
- Well thank you mayor,
it's a pleasure to
have met you, sir.
Let's hear it for the
mayor of Burbank.
- Ten cheers for the mayor.
(audience applauds)
(silly music)
- Oh we've got to
stop meeting like this.
I think Harold is
getting suspicious.
(audience laughs)
- And now we proudly
introduce The Mothers.
A record breaking
act from Detroit.
(screaming)
On a clear day
You can see Claire Trelvert
(audience laughs)
- You have an inflamed
liver but I wouldn't worry.
- Oh?
Well if you had an inflamed
liver I wouldn't worry either.
(audience laughs)
- The old winter, the best ones.
(audience laughs)
- And now, folks,
it's sock it to me time.
- Sock it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock it to me.
(laughs)
Sock it to yourself.
(audience laughs)
(cracking and splashing)
- Scrambled two.
- I say Connie,
have you ever seen
beautiful downtown
Burbank by candlelight?
- No, Roddy I haven't.
- Well here's a candle, you go
straight down Alameda Avenue
and turn left, you'll
find it somewhere.
- Darling we can't go
on meeting this way.
I think Harold's
getting suspicious.
(audience laughs)
- So remember, send
us five thousand dollars
and a new Rolls-Royce
and we'll send you a
statement in 25 words or less.
(audience laughs)
- Are you sure
blondes have more fun?
- And now over
to you, Miss Mona.
- (laughs) Hi, Mona
Blared here in Hollywood
with a real Hollywood scoop.
(laughs)
- It says here elephants
are found in Africa.
But they're so big,
how do they get lost?
- Alright, you're so smart,
how do you get
down off an elephant?
- You don't get off an elephant,
you get down off a duck.
(audience laughs)
- Alright, guess
what I got in my hand.
- An elephant.
- What color?
- Blue, ha ha ha ha ha.
- Ohhhh.
- Takes you back, don't it?
- Now once again...
- You need a shave.
- That's the back of my head.
- Oh.
- And now, once again.
It's time to meet and
greet the late great,
would you stop that.
The Temptations.
("Get Ready" by The Temptations)
I never met a girl who makes
me feel the way that you do
You're alright
Whenever I'm asked
who makes my dreams real
I say that you do
You're outta sight
So fee fi fo fum
Look out baby 'cause here I come
And I'm bringing
you a love that's true
So get ready so get ready
I'm gonna try to
make you love me too
So get ready so get
ready 'cause here I come
Get ready 'cause here
I come I'm on my way
Get ready 'cause here I come
If you wanna play
hide and seek with love
Let me remind you It's alright
But the lovin' you're gonna miss
And the time it
takes to find you
It's outta sight So
fiddley-dee fiddley-dum
Look out baby 'cause here I come
And I'm bringing
you a love that's true
So get ready so get ready
I'm gonna try to
make you love me too
So get ready so get
ready 'cause here I come
Get ready 'cause here
I come I'm on my way
Get ready 'cause
here I come Get ready
If all my friends
should want you too
I'll understand it Be alright
I hope I get to
you before they do
The way I planned
it Be outta sight
So tweedlee-dee tweedlee-dum
Look out baby 'cause here I come
And I'm bringing
you a love that's true
So get ready so get ready
I'm gonna try to
make you love me too
So get ready so get
ready 'cause here I come
Get ready 'cause here
I come I'm on my way
Get ready 'cause here I come
Get ready 'cause here I come
(audience applause)
- Tonight once
again Laugh-In looks
at an important element
of our every day lives.
- I didn't know that.
- Something that is with
us every hour, every day.
- Is it bigger than a bread box?
- Yes, infinitely.
It is crime.
- Hmm, crime?
- Right, no city in our nation
is free of the
consequences of crime.
- Hold it now, beautiful
downtown Burbank is.
- That may be the
one possible exception.
- Ha ha ha.
A little bit of crime
helps to wind out the time
It keeps policemen busy
And it doesn't cost a dime
Without a little crime or
two the news would be a dud
Without it a-Truman Capote
Would never have
written In Cold Blood
Every dirty deed both
for profit and for greed
Can give a judge and jury
almost anything they need
Listen Jill and Johnny
Take a different
Clyde and Bonnie
And they'll write about your
life in music and in rhyme
And your little
bit little bit little bit
Of crime
- As a businessman, I believe
that we should legalize crime.
Each year more
than 22 million dollars
is stolen from banks alone.
Now the income tax on that
could help pay off
the national debt.
(audience laughs)
Crime is just good
business and it's organized.
- The police have really
begun to crack down
on crime and
criminals almost daily.
Scenes like this are
happening in every major city.
- Ah, this is disgraceful.
Look at this sloppy penmanship.
Look you didn't dot an
i, you didn't cross a t.
It looks like a chicken
walked all over it.
Now you go back over
there and write 300 times,
this is a stickup.
(audience laughs)
(gunfire)
- Excuse me.
Excuse me I hate to
interrupt you. (laughs)
- What do ya want?
- Well I couldn't help noticing
these people down here.
(laughs)
And I thought you
might have something
you might want to tell me.
Off the record, of course.
- You callin' me a killa?
- Oh no, never.
That's a very nice gun.
But I'm wondering,
some of the fellas and I,
and the judge and some lawyers,
are gonna be getting
together next Thursday
down at the courthouse,
and if it's not too inconvenient,
would you come down maybe?
As our guest, of course.
- Thursday?
- Yeah, Thursday.
- You outta your mind, I'm
going to Las Vegas Thursday.
- Oh, oh, well look, here's
my card and if you will,
when you get back in
town, if you think of it,
just give me a call.
I'd appreciate it, okay?
Thanks.
- Police brutality.
- Without crime where
would television be, huh?
What about The Defenders?
What about Eliot Ness?
What about Jerry Lewis?
- Come on,
America, tell the truth.
You all steal a little.
Income tax, expense
accounts, things like that, right?
Well stop it.
Follow the example of
the leaders of industry.
Don't steal a
little, steal a lot!
(audience laughs)
- What about Jerry Lewis?
- Thanks to crime, I know
where my boy is at night.
Cell block 11, Sing Sing.
- Jerry Lewis is in Sing Sing?
- Remember,
stealing is all relative.
So tomorrow,
stick up your uncle.
- Wives of America,
tell the truth.
Now how many shopping
carts have you brought home?
- What about Jerry Lewis?
- And don't forget the
immortal words of Al Capone.
- Happy Valentine's Day!
- That wasn't nice.
Commit a little crime
You may serve a little time
And when your lawyers frees you
You'll be far above your crime
But if you hide your treasure
Your old range
will be a pleasure
And your providence unseated
Living in sublime
With a little bit little
bit little bit little bit
Little bit little bit little
bit little bit little bit
Little bit little bit Of crime
(audience applause)
- What are you doing that for?
- Keeps elephants away.
- Are you kidding?
There's not an elephant within
a thousand miles from here.
- You see, it works!
(audience laughs)
- They know 'em all.
(silly music)
- Get some rose or ride with it.
- I was gonna get
a hardware store.
- Dan, Dan can I talk
to you for a minute?
I'm a bit worried.
- What about?
- They got some
- fellas back there.
And they got it rigged up
to fly me through the air.
- Yeah.
- Now, it makes me nervous.
I'm worried about it.
- Oh well, think
no more about it.
- If you don't
wanna do it, it's out.
- That's it.
- Oh you're kidding, really?
- [Dan And Dick] No!
- You'd do that for me?
- Of course.
- Sure.
- You mean I don't
have to take the chance
of gettin' hurt or anything?
- Don't be silly.
- No sir, word of honor.
- Oh that's great.
Oh I feel so much
better, you don't know.
You just got no idea
how... (guitar strums)
(audience laughs)
- Well that's one less.
(silly music)
- You know what my gripe is?
I'm sick and tired of hearing
all those jokes about chickens.
Every other group has
someone to protect 'em.
Nobody's protecting
the chickens.
Why does a chicken
cross the road?
Huh, is that funny?
I know a lotta chickens
that don't think that's funny.
For me, I love chickens.
Especially the legs.
(audience laughs)
- If they don't like it here,
why don't they go back
where they came from?
(audience laughs and applauds)
- Come on, it's
your shot, shoot!
- Okay I'll shoot.
(gunfire)
- Ahhhh!
(audience laughs)
- Well it's time to
say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
(Judy grunts)
- Goodnight Dick.
(water splashing)
- Muah.
- And we have a lulu
for you next week.
You wanna be sure...
- Hey I'd wonder if you'd
mind if I said goodnight
to a very old and
dear friend of mine.
- I wouldn't mind
but the FCC objects.
- I don't know anyone
with those initials.
So I wonder if I
could say goodnight
to an old and very
dear friend of mine.
- It's probably gonna
speed things along
if you just went
ahead and did it.
- Yeah go ahead.
- Thank you.
- Goodnight, John
Wayne, wherever you are.
(audience laughs)
- Say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Good night everybody,
hope you had a good time.
(band music) (audience applauds)
- Did you hear about the farmer
who crossed an
elephant with a hen?
- No, tell us about it.
- Every time she sits
down she cracks her eggs.
- See there's
another chicken joke.
- Do you like tea?
- Oh yes.
I also like B, R, W, and V.
But I really love chickens!
- Knock knock.
- Who's there?
- USA.
- USA who?
- USA lovely girl, Connie.
- The most difficult year of
marriage is the one you're in.
- As Sigmund Freud
once said in Vienna,
(speaks in a
pseudo-foreign language)
with soap in the bathtub.
- What is three feet
high and has four legs?
- Two midgets.
- I don't like my psychiatrist,
but I can't leave him,
he's such an
insecure little man.
And he loves chickens!
(laughs hysterically)
- Hey did you watch
the basketball game
last night on television?
- Oh golly, I couldn't,
I had to go out to
the basketball game.
- My husband's away in
Mexico shooting peasants.
- You mean pheasants,
you don't know your hunting.
- No, dummy, I mean peasants.
You don't know my husband.
Is a pheasant a chicken?
(cries hysterically)
- It took my analyst two years,
but he finally got to
the root of the problem.
I'm out of my mind.
- Knock knock.
- Who's there?
- Wait a minute, I'll go look.
(deep exhaling)
- Knock knock.
- Who's there.
- I don't know,
I'm still looking.
- I don't like Viet Cong,
'cause in the movies
he nearly wrecked
the Empire State Building.
- Here, pick a card.
Hey that's a good one.
- Knock knock.
- Who's there?
- Joe.
- Joe who?
- Joe all come back and see
us again real soon now, ya hear?
- Eight ball in.
- Yeah yeah yeah.
- It's my game.
- Yeah yeah yeah.
- Alright.
(audience laughs)
- Darling, we've got to
stop meeting like this.
I think Harold's
getting suspicious.
(Dick hums)
- Well folks, that about
wraps it up for tonight.
(audience laughs)
- Very interesting.
But stupid.
- Preceding was recorded earlier
because we were just not
sure about the whole thing.
(clapping)