Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 1, Episode 7 - Sally Field, Terry-Thomas, Joby Baker, Godfrey Cambridge, Jerry Lewis, John Wayne - full transcript

- [Announcer] The
following program is brought

to you in living color on NBC.

- All right now boys and girls,

you remember last week
when we left Buck Rogers,

Dr. Zarkov had gone
ahead to try to rescue Wilma

from the man eating prune.

- What is this a Good
Will Industries program?

- Now that was very interesting.

- And now, coming to you
direct from the world famous

Rathskeller Room high
above the police station

here in beautiful
down town Burbank,



NBC presents Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In.

(applause)

Starring Dan Rowan,
and Dick Martin.

With guest stars Sally Field

and special guest Terry Thomas

with Judy Carne, Arte
Johnson, and Ruth Buzzi,

Henry Gibson, Goldie
Hawn, Larry Hovis,

Roddy Maude-Roxby, Joanne Worley

and yours truly, Gary Owens.

And of course, Morgol
has the friendly drowb.

- Tonight's program
is brought to you

by the marvelous
simply bunch at,

(70s style variety show music)

- And now as we
continue with tonight's



episode of Pantomime Playhouse,

stepping into the
vocal spotlight,

here are Inspector Dan Rowan,

and his assistant, the adorable,

Dick Martin.

- Good evening, let us
meet together once more

dear friends and offer
praise to the NBC network

that we are indeed
meeting together once more.

- We came here to bury
Caesar, not to praise him.

- No, we came out
here in the beginning to,

I tell you, tonight, why
don't you tell the people

who's on tonight's show?

- I'll bet you think
I don't know, huh?

- Oh no, you always
know, go ahead.

- I've been doing my bookworm.

Uh, homework.

- Yes, well, tell them.

- All righty, I happen
to know this week,

Terry Thomas is on tonight.

- My golly, -
Wild British actor.

- That's right, that's
right, who else?

Who else is on?

- Just going, just
test me, go ahead.

- Come on.

- Sally Field Ha ha ha! I knew.

- That's true, but
who else is here?

- Well the regular bunch
of coocoos we have here.

- Come on now, come
on, who else is here?

- Well, our regular gang.

- Come on now,
who, - You and me?

- No, no you always say,

- There's nobody
else on, I studied.

- Now come on, you always say,

- There's nobody else on.

- How about John Wayne?

- Come on now you
told me last week

not to mention his name anymore,

that the people would
be expecting him

and he's not going to
be here, folks, I'm sorry.

- He's here tonight.

- He is not here.

I must apologize for my partner.

- Now you don't
have to apologize

because I tell you, he's here.

- You're putting me on.

- He has been listening,

he's been watching the show

and he's been hearing
all the things you've

been saying about
him for the last three

or four weeks

and he has something
to say to you.

- That's hogwash and poo.

- It's neither one.

He is here and I'm
gonna convince you.

Ladies and gentlemen,
just about the best friend

the world has ever
had, Mr. John Wayne.

(applause)

Good evening Mr. Wayne.

- Nice to see you Dan.

- I believe you wanted
to say something

to my partner.

- I sure do.

- There he is.

- Yeah, I guess so.

Hello Mr. Wayne.

- Goodbye Mr. Martin.

(laughter)

See ya around, Dan.

- Thanks a lot.

(applause)

See ya later at the party, pal.

- Good night, Dick.

(60s music)

- Has the devalued
pound affected you?

- Oh not really, my dear,

I put everything I had
into revolving doors

and paper towels

and I was wiped out
before I could turn 'round.

(audience laughter)

- I come from a broken home.

I broke it myself.

- If I'd have known immigration
was coming so soon,

then I'd have waited to
marry the woman of my choice.

- Do you feel the clergy
should have a union?

- Why not?

We're all white collar workers.

- Harry and I met
in the tunnel of love

and when we came
out he scuttled the ship.

- In Britain, we like
to think that the youth

of today are the mothers
and fathers of tomorrow.

- Is that so?

In America our problem
is to keep the mothers

and fathers of tomorrow
from becoming the mothers

and fathers of today.

- Boris says making
love is only another form

of free enterprise.

- It is said the jackass
is a beast of burden,

but it is the camel that
has the big problem.

- And above all, remember
these three little words,

Don't argue.

- That's only two little words.

- See? You're learning.

- I love everything
about you English,

especially your muffins.

- Thank you very much, my dear,

I feel the same way about you.

- My parents say I don't
know what good, clean fun is.

And they're right.

I don't know what good it is.

- You can't buy
true love for $1000.

Maybe 10 years
ago, but not today.

- Do you think the sun
will be out tomorrow?

- Please my dear, I'd
rather not talk shop.

- Well in fox hunting,
the leader wears a black

velvet hat, and a
pink velvet jacket.

And he's followed by
about 20 or 30 men.

- In that outfit,
I'm not surprised.

- You know what's amazing?

First, skirts were down
around the ankles,

then around the knees,

now the thighs,
where will it all end?

- Do you still use the
metric system over there?

- Not since my
wife took the pill.

- The fact that the Lord giveth
and the Lord taketh away,

doesn't make the
Lord an Indian giver.

- Reverend Mother,
get over here quickly,

there's a bunch of people
here and they're all flying.

(snake charming music)

(laughter)

(silly music)

- And now folks, it's
sock it to me time.

(laughter)

- Sock it to me, sock it to me.

- Hey man, gimme your hand.

- Sure baby.

(silly music)

- Level with me,
what are my chances?

- Well, let me put it this way,

If I were you, I
wouldn't start reading

any serials in magazines.

- Oh darn.

- A lot of people go around
bad mouthing boa constrictors.

I'd just like to say
that's not very fair.

Have you ever heard a
boa constrictor say anything

bad about you?

I mean, really.

- It's time now for the
Laugh-in new talent department,

when we spotlight
stars of tomorrow today.

From everywhere.

- With a band from nowhere.

- Oh, I thought
he was all right.

All right, who's first in
our new talent tonight?

- Well, you remember last week,

you kinda brought me a looloo.

- You don't mean Inga Neilsen?

- Say it again.

- Inga Neilsen.

- Doesn't that have
a nice ring to it?

- Yeah, well, she's
a good bugle player,

but we've already done that.

- Hold it, I've taught
her a new instrument.

- No kidding, what
did you teach her?

- Why do you chuckle?

- I didn't, they chuckled.

Now, tell me quickly.

- Well, it's a kazoo.

- A kazoo?

- Yeah, you never
heard anything like it.

- I bet I haven't.

- Is that dirty?

- I'm just a kid, but I
thought it was dirty.

- I thought so.

- Come on out now, honeybun.

Did you warm up your kazoo?

- Oh yes Dickiebird.

- Dickiebird?

- Well, that's the way it goes.

And now folks, it's
kazoo time on Laugh-in.

- Uh, there's no way
to avoid it, I guess.

- Ladies and
gentlemen, I ask you all

to accept this dear
child to your hearts

as I have mine, the very lovely,

the very beautiful,
the very very,

Inga Neilsen.

(monotone kazoo
with background music)

(applause)

Listen to that!

Wow!

I've never heard, ha ha ha.

- Must say I've never heard
anything like that before.

- I thought you'd like it.

- I didn't say I liked it.

- What do you want to do
for an encore Honeybun?

- Well, while Honeybun
ponders that weighty problem,

why don't you take Inga
and her kazoo backstage

for a little rest.

- That's the nicest
thing you ever said.

Come on Honeybunny.

- And now, all you
animal lovers everywhere,

here's a real treat,

the star of Good Morning World,

one of the wild life
impressionists of all time,

the incredible Joby Baker

and his world famous lizard.

(applause)

Now, indeed an honor
for me to introduce

the poet laureate
of Carnaby Street,

Sir Terrance Thomas.

- There was an old lady

who lived in a shoe.

She had so many children,

she didn't know what to do.

Obviously.

- Now folks, here is
our own Judy Carnes.

(laughter)

- That's where
John Wayne put me.

- Well that just about
finishes our new talent

department for tonight.

- It may finish our
new talent department

for every night.

- Yes, friends, once again,

the fickle finger of fate

has found fame and
fortune for the favored few.

You care to add
anything to that?

- I wouldn't change a word.

- Wait, where are you going?

- I'm going backstage
for a kazoo lesson.

- Hey that sounds
like fun, I'll go with you.

- You're right, it
does sound like fun,

but you're wrong,
you're not going with me.

Coming Honeybun,
here comes Dickiebird.

- Say, in an effort to
compete with Las Vegas

as the entertainment
capital of the world,

The Nern Hotel here in
beautiful downtown Burbank

is putting on an all
new spectacular review,

and so from the stage
of the Nern Hotel,

here in beautiful
downtown Burbank,

here is Hugh Japton
and the Zelmans.

We know an all state Romeo

Looking for a Juliet

But he can't make his mind up

Twixt a blonde, or
redhead or brunette.

Oh oh oh oh.

I love the ladies

I love the girls I
love the lassies

Classy trassies and their curls

I see their kneecaps
But not their eyes

If I just had a great big ladder

I could cut them down to size

Their grace is much
more Than Tom can tell

I think each folly's dolly

Khali is just swell
I'll buy them zircons

And cultured pearls
Cause it's expensive

Loving beautiful girls

(indistinct singing)

Cause it's not funny loving

Beautiful

girls

- Due to unforeseen
circumstances

this show will remain on
the air until further notice.

- I love you're lizard.

- Do you really?

- Please show me
how to make a lizard.

- Alright now, just watch
me, it's very easy, really.

- Okay, show me.

Oh, you're cute.

- This is serious.

- I'm serious, you're adorable.

- I'm sorry.

- Please show me
how to make a lizard.

- Move away from my scales.

- Come on, show
me how to do a lizard.

- Would you please get
her out of here please?

- George, he won't show
me how to make a lizard.

- People aren't serious
anymore about lizards.

- En garde!

- When we were first married,

we were both the same height.

- I wanna thank all the
members of the Academy

for these two fun filled
weeks here at West Point.

- To people school
studying foreign languages,

listen and learn, because
if you get to Rome,

you may see something like this.

(speaking Italian dramatically)

What does that mean in English?

- You take a little
of this wonder glue

and spread it on this surface

and then a little
on this surface,

and stick them together,

can't pull them apart.

(snake charming music)

(silly music)

(repeated chanting of
phrase "sock it to me")

- And now folks, it's
sock it to me time.

(missile whistling)

- Very interesting.

- Hey man, I got
me a hair cut today.

- Groovy, which one?

- What we have here is
a failure to communicate.

- I have some good news
for you, Mrs. Gransten.

- Oh, I'm not married doctor.

- I have some bad news
for you, Miss Gransten.

- Time now to say,
"Now cut that out."

As Laugh-in looks at the news,

past, present and future.

La la la la la la

What's the news
across the nation

We have got the information

In a way we hope will amuse you

We just love mei qui
to give you our views

Ooh la la la (French singing)

Now we look at the
news, Here's Dan.

- Here with the
news of the present

is the man to whom the
news wouldn't be the news

without the news.

Here's Dickie.

(applause)

- Well, may the
good fairy build a nest

in your Dr. Dentons.

Now, here's what happened today.

George Hamilton was
granted another deferment

by his draft board on the
grounds that his mother

has flat feet.

In a letter to David Susskind,

William Buckley stated
that his minuscule

and unilateral vituperations
were gratuitous,

obtuse and only ca-noted
a Herculean pressure

in his circuitous manner.

Mr. Susskind replied by saying,

"Sticks and stones
will break my bones,

"but names will never hurt me."

Coinciding with the
announcement from the Pentagon

that the world can now
be destroyed in one minute

and 27 seconds,

the Lord's Prayer has
been shortened accordingly.

Take it away Goldie.

- And now with the
news of the future

20 years from now.

Let's see, that
would be uh... 1988.

Or somewhere around there.

Anyway, here's Dan.

- Hollywood 1988,
Sidney Poitier has refused

to portray himself in
the forth coming movie,

The Sidney Poitier story.

He declared he will
not accept any part

that cannot also be played

by a white actor.

Washington D.C., 1988,

the census bureau
announced today

that the population
explosion is finally over,

owing to the fact
that the world is now

standing room only.

Item 1988, with the
merger of the Catholic,

Protestant and Jewish
faiths now a reality,

Pope Leroy

from the Christian Science
Reading Room in Tel Aviv

today granted
special dispensation

to Rabbi Francis MacDougal
and sister Sofie Zeldon

and urged them to stay together,

if only for the sake
of the children.

- And now, here's
another news of oh,

And now here's
the news of the past

as we go tripping merrily
back through history

to Laugh-in's man outside
the Pharaoh's palace in Egypt,

in the bygone days,

for a talk with one of history's
first protesters, Moses.

- Could I have a
word with Moses?

Which? Mo, you,
you're Moses aren't you?

- Me, sir?

- Yes, would you mind?

Moses, what's
happening here today?

- Happening? Well,
this is a demonstration.

- Oh, what's the
demonstration for?

- Well, we are protesting
the Pharaoh's treatment

of minority groups.

- Oh, I see.

- Can you imagine anyone
discriminating against us

just because
we've got long hair,

beards and wear sandals?

- No, I can't imagine
anyone feeling that way.

How's the demonstration going?

- Well, rather badly actually.

- Oh is it?

- You see the Pharaoh
says it's okay to dissent

as long as you don't
disagree with him.

It's hard enough
to argue with a man

who thinks he's
descended from God.

- Yeah, well, they're having
the same problem in France.

Do the police bother
you at all here?

- Yes, yes, we are
harassed occasionally.

Well, all the time
actually, by the fez.

- You mean the fuzz.

- No, no, the fez.

- The fez?

- The Egyptian police.

- Are you going to march?

- Are we going to march?

I'll tell you this,

my people won't
come back here again,

not in a thousand years.

- Well, you're close.

One last question,

what are you going to do
when you get to the Red Sea?

- I don't know, but
I'll think of something.

- I'm sure you will,
thank you for the chat.

Now back to you,
Goldie and good luck.

- And now here's another
Laugh-in news feature.

We take you for live
coverage of the opening

of the beautiful downtown
Bur-burba, Burbank bank

in beautiful downtown Burbank.

- Hi there, this is your
on the spot girl Ruth,

here in the beautiful
downtown Burbank bank,

here in the beautiful
downtown Burbank

with the manager of the
bank which opens today.

You certainly
must be thrilled, sir.

- Hi there, Ruth, yes,
I certainly am thrilled

to be able to offer the
citizens of our lovely

community a safe
place for their money.

We hope you'll come
in and enjoy the peace

and serenity of our
lovely surroundings.

- I'm very sorry sir,
but that's all the time

we have and now back to
the Rowan and Martin report.

La la la la

That's the news
across the nation

Now you got the information

Thanks a lot we
hope it amused you

We just love mei qui
to give you our views

Ooh la la la (singing in french)

- In defiance of
numerous requests,

we will now proceed with
the entertainment portion

of Rowan and Laughs, Martin-in.

- Would you like to try now.

- Yeah.

How's this? How's this?

- No, no wait a
minute, Gold, Gold?

- Huh? What?

- See, ya started off right,
but then you closed your eyes.

When you close your
eyes, that's a salamander.

See, salamanders,
they live in caves,

they close their eyes,

and lizards, they
open their eyes.

Wanna try it again?

- Yeah, okay.

- No, ya just, ya,

ya just don't have
your heart in it Goldie,

I mean, maybe
other things you do,

but this, you flunked lizard.

Bye Goldie.

Let's hear a song

That makes a man real strong

Let's sing of love

Not the other kind
you're thinking of

I think of you in a
way that's strong

I think of you that's
why I sing this song

I wouldn't sing
Unless I felt this way

So let's not stand
around and play

- I'm sick and tired of
all this air pollution talk.

We're breathing
all this dirty air

and nobody's doing nothing.

I've got the answer.

Get everybody to take a big
deep breath at the same time

and blow it out into
brown paper bags.

Take them bags and
throw 'em into the ocean.

That would take
care of the problem.

I think.

(snake charming music)

(laughter)

(silly music)

- My psychiatrist says
anyone who's well adjusted

in a disturbed world
is obviously sick.

- I say, isn't it ghastly
about the queen?

She ate the wrong kind of
margarine and lost her crown.

- Hey, I see Martha's
pregnant again.

- Yeah, seems to be
a lot of it going around.

- Women not only
drive as well as men,

but they can do it on
either side of the road.

- Life is just a bowl of
(made up hacking word)

with a bit chunk (made up
word) hanging on the end.

- I think a penicillin shot's
a big pain in the neck.

- Do you realize if Paul
Revere had had laryngitis

that night, you'd still be ours.

- If you can keep a
secret, I'll tell you how

my first three husbands died.

- My mechanic says
my motor's running well,

and my car's all right too.

- My father says I have an IQ,

but he doesn't know
where they put it.

- You know, I meant to ask you,

did you have fun with those
Siamese twins last night?

- Well, yes and no.

- Hey, ya like
knock knock jokes?

- Yes.

- Wanna play one?
- Sure.

- Okay, you start.

- Knock knock.

- Start again.

- Knock knock.

- You don't even
know how to play.

- The second half of
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-in

is brought to you by,

(70s variety show music)

- Hickory dickery dock,

The mouse ran up the clock.

The clock struck one.

- In New York, it struck four.

- In Idahoe, three.

- In Haight-Ashbuyr, 17.

- In London, it
struck a compromise.

- That's in England, ya know.

- In Texas it struck oil.

- In Munich, it struck first.

- In Dodger's
Stadium, it struck out.

- And in beautiful downtown
Burbank it's still striking.

- Hickory dickery dock.

- That has a nice ring to it.

- Oh, so (mumbling)

- Was that Dean Martin?

You're the only one I love

The others have
captured my heart a bit

None have ever lit the
magic darling you have lit

You're the one that I admire

And when I look at
you my body catches fire

What a rapture this
is No hits, no misses

Hello Narcissus,
'Cause now I'm here

And I'm so in love

With me

- Could I make a lizard?

- That's it, that's perfect.

Isn't she beautiful?

She did it.

- I haven't made it yet.

(silly music)

I'm just breezing
along with a breeze

- That of course, was the
delightful Helen Twelvetrees.

And turning another
musical page in our album

of memories, here is the
delightful Lamont Cransten.

(snake charming music)

(silly music)

(repeated chanting of
phrase "sock it to me")

- And now folks, unfortunately,
it's sock it to me time.

(bomb exploding)

I just don't care anymore.

(screaming)

- Doc, after the operation,

will I be able to piano?

- Oh yes, certainly.

- That's funny, I never
could play it before.

- That's always been
one of my favorites.

(silly music)

- Oh, I've heard of
escalation, but this is ridiculous.

- I think it's a crying shame

that they don't make
any more zeppelins.

They don't make any noise,

and they make nice
holes in the clouds too.

Let's hear it for the zeppelins.

Blimp.

- Tonight, mod-mod
world looks at the British.

Oh, as someone
just said a minute ago,

moving right along now,

Mod-mod world's going
to take a look at England.

- Pip pip, carry on
and all that sort of rot.

- You know we used
to belong to England,

a long time ago.
- You're kidding.

- Oh sure, we left England
just to escape one thing.

- The Beatles?

- Excessive taxation.

- Well, I got news,
it didn't work.

- We owe England
a whole lot you know,

we have a big debt to England.

- Why?

- Well, some of the
world's greatest literature,

for instance, came from England.

- Name one.

- Romeo and Juliet.

- Aha, that's two.

- But it's just one story
about the classic lovers,

ya know, Romeo and Juliet.

- Yeah, I know, I
played the leading part in

my high school play.

- You played Romeo?

- No, I played Black Bart.

- There's no Black Bart
in Romeo and Juliet.

- There was in ours, we
made a western out of it.

- I don't think I
wanna hear about it.

- The horse's name was Romeo.

- Yeah, I know I don't
wanna hear about it.

- I used to go
out on the prairie

and look for him.

- I don't want to
hear any of this.

- Just yell, Romeo, Romeo,
wherefore art thou Romeo?

- That's not a, that's the
way you called the horse?

- Yeah.

- That's not a love story.

- Is too, he ran off
with a lady horse.

- You mean filly.

- Philly, Detroit, Cleveland,
I don't know where,

never did find him.

- He wrote comedies too ya know.

- Name one.

- Midsummer Night's Dream.

- That was a comedy?

- Oh, that was a great comedy.

- Yeah? Tell me a joke from it.

- Well, it wasn't
that kind of comedy.

- What do you mean?
- No, no,

- How can you have a
comedy without a joke?

- You don't
understand, this is a,

- I repeat the question.

How can you have a
comedy without jokes?

- Well, do you remember

when we first started
working together?

- I withdraw the question.

- All right.

Dickens was another.

- Another what?

- Another great writer.

Remember Tiny Tim?

- You're not gonna bring
back Tiny Tim are ya?

- No, not that, the
classic Christmas story,

A Christmas Carol, you
know with Ebeneezer Scrooge?

Jacob Marley and the spirits
of Christmas, ba-humbug,

you remember that?

- I saw the movie.

- You shoulda
read the book, boy.

- Oh it was too dark in
the movie to read the book.

- I suppose so.

Of course England produced many

great men other than writers.

- Well, I suppose so.

- Sir Walter Raleigh.

- Yeah?

- You remember him?

- Why?

- Sir Walter Raleigh.

- I remember.

He was the one,

he was the one that spread his,

- I didn't think you
were gonna remember.

- No?

What? Are you serious?

He was the one
that spread his cape

over a big mud
puddle for the queen.

- Oh golly, you're just
a mass of history facts,

aren't you?
- Well, I remember.

- He's actually more
famous for having been the

guy who introduced
tobacco to England.

- I didn't know that.

- Sure, of course, they
didn't smoke tobacco the

way we do, ya know.

They grind it all up
and put it in a little,

they call it snuff,
put it in a little box

and then they take
a pinch between their

thumb and their
index finger like this,

and then they'd
place it up their nostril

and sniff, like that.

- They what?

- You heard me.

- They'd take a
handful of tobacco,

shove it up their
nose and sniff?

- That's right.

- Well no wonder they drive
on the wrong side of the street.

- Oh for crying out loud.

- You shove a
cigarette up your nose,

you'll drive on the sidewalk.

You'll go right
through a liquor store.

- All right.

So with that in mind,

let's take a playful
look at England.

- Well let's make
this one last stop,

pop in there and say
howdy to the Queen

and then back home
to the good ol' U S of A.

- Now you remember Claude,

even if she asks, we
can't stay for dinner,

'cause then we'll have
to have them over.

- Yeah. Yeah.

- Get the bell.

(bell melody chiming)

- Nice ring to it.

Hey is his or her
highness at home?

- Prince Philip is in
the counting house,

counting out her money.

The Queen is in the parlor
eating bread and honey.

- Haha, isn't he cute, Claude?

- Claire and I are
from Long Beach.

- You have my
deepest sympathy, sir.

- No, you don't understand,

that's where we
got the Queen Mary.

- And we just thought
we might drop in

and see her sister.

(both laughing)

- I'm frightfully sorry, sir,

but nobody drops in on
the queen unannounced.

- Look boy, we're
doing this on our own.

She's not even on the tour.

- Claude, we didn't even
have this much trouble

getting in to see the Pope.

- I'm frightfully sorry, it
really is out of the question.

- Look buster,
have you spent your

whole life standing
in this here doorway,

keeping folks out
of this here place?

- Good heavens, no sir.

I was was formerly
maitre D at the Dorchester.

The hotel sir.

- Maitre D.

Huh.

Here.

- Thank you very much sir.

Table for two, down
front near the queen.

- [Claire] Hi ya'll.

(70s variety show music)

(coughing)

- For the benefit of the jury,

I shall now sum up this case.

Mrs. Mist was sitting
in the drawing room.

Mr. Mist was drawing
in the sitting room.

Mrs. Mist missed Mr. Mist,

and went into the sitting room

where Mr. Mist was
sitting drawing Mrs. Mist

in the drawing room
while Miss Melissa Mist,

was most mysteriously

dying in the dining room.

- [Male Jury Member] Stop.
Will you please repeat that?

- Case dismissed.

(70s variety show music)

(piccolos playing
Yankee Doodle Dandy)

We dig the British, we really do

You're really swinging
and we owe a lot to you

On style and
music, we both agree

We dig your Rolling
Stones, your Beatles

And your tea, yessiree

We love you too
yeah, you're rather nice

Of course we can't
used to red wine over ice

We love the fellows
you send our way

Like Douglas Fairbanks Jr.

And our Danny Kaye

In lovely ladies,
we have a smile

We love your Julie
Andrews And Patula Clark

We like your movies
about the west

Of course your heart
throbs are the best

We dig the British,
you're really keen

We like your
miniskirts, your music

And your queen We
love you too, yeah

You're all a gas

We love your charming
Playboy Bunnies

Love your fashions
And your funnies

And your actors And
the crazy things you do

Oh mother country, we love you

- I say, hold on a second,

the way they say mother gives

it an entirely different ring.

We've really fallen
beneath your spell

Where is downtown Burbank,

And the Nern hotel

We think that
London's a groovy town

But aren't your
bridges falling down

We dig the British
We love the yanks

And how we wish we had
your money in our banks

Well you actors
have done your best

We think your air
is rather smoggy

Well your country's always foggy

Aren't your crumpets
rather soggy

Aren't your hippies kinda doggy

Don't you think it's time
you learned a thing or two

Their always kidding

Rule Britannia,
Britannia rule the waves

Hurray for the
red, white and blue

Oh mother England
Yankee baby We Love you

So long Ta ta Goodbye

- Immediately following
tonight's program,

stay tuned for a full hour
of rousing convention songs

featuring the harmonious
Suns of Whoopie.

- Hi.

- Hi.

- Been here long?

- No, not too long.

- Come here often?

- No, not too often.

- How'd you like to come
up to my place for a drink?

- All right.

- Come on.

- Sing a song of six pence

a pocket full of snuff,

four and twenty black birds

tracking down the stuff

when the doors were open

his friends began to sing.

Now wasn't that a finky way

to end an all night thing?

(applause)

- Hey, somebody threw
a rock through the window

with a note on it.

- What does it say?

- Windows fixed, $5.

- Here we go down
memory lane again folks.

- And now, these
important words.

- Boobytrap

- Sweet talk

- Be that as it may, on with
the entertainment program

of this portion.

(silly music)

(repeated chanting of
phrase "sock it to me")

- All right.

Is everybody ready?

Come on, it's
sock it to me time.

Cute.

Isn't that adorable?

- [Man] Isn't what adorable?

- The way he socked it to me.

Cute.

Oh, I've had it.

I've had it, I've really had it.

It's the last.

(yelling in made up language)

- What did he say?

(repeating made up language)

- You can't say that.

- You could if you were
on the Smothers Brothers.

- Dear Mr. McDonald in
answer to yours of the 18th,

the shipment is on its way.

You should be receiving
it in four day's time.

Thank you very
much for the order.

Yours sincerely,

et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

Would you read that back please?

- Yes sir, Dear Mr. McDonald,

a squiggly mark
with a dot over it,

a long slanted line with
a curly-que circle under it.

Then a funny zoopy
line going down

with a short
scrunchy line going up

and around and
down with a big loop.

- What do you
mean credibility gap?

- Why are you in
prison, compadre?

- Oh, I am in prison for
supporting Don Fidel Juarez.

Why for you are in prison?

- For plotting against
Don Fidel Juarez.

- Compadre, why
for you are in prison?

- Because I am Don Fidel Juarez.

- In recent years
there's been a tendency

for older men to marry
women much younger

than themselves.

You've noticed that.

We've noticed it out here among
our Hollywood personalities.

For a close up of
one such marriage,

Laugh-in takes you now
to the Beverly Hills home

of noted actor,
George Sanderson.

- Vitamin time lovey.

There you are,
gobble that right up.

- Thank you Elaine,
you're very good to me.

- Oh George they're opening
up a great new Discotheque

tonight and we're all going.

- Not me, last night's
roller skating did me in.

- Oh George, what's
happened to you?

Married only eight weeks

and already you've
given up bowling, skiing

and skydiving.

- It seems all right
when I was courting,

but suddenly I feel old.

- Oh George, with
an attitude like that

this marriage just cannot last.

- You don't mean that.

- I'm afraid I do.

A girl has a right to
expect excitement

and glamour from her husband

or go elsewhere for it.

- Elaine, what can I do?

You've gotta help me.

- Well, I'll do my best.

I'll talk to Ruth, but I
can't promise anything.

After all darling,
you are her husband.

- Well, after all darling,
you are her mother.

- With the grotesque fact
that war news on television

is constantly interrupted
by commercials,

someday wars may be
conducted with the commercials

already in them.

- Hi Jim.

- Hi Bill.

- I couldn't march another step.

My feet are killing me.

- You ought to do
something about it.

- What am I supposed
to wear? Supp hose?

- Gee Bill, what you need
is compoz. C O M P O Z.

- I'm sorry Bill, I've
been up tight lately.

- That's all right, Jim.

Let's finish our sea rations.

- Should we?

I can't brush after
every meal, you know?

(cannon firing)

- There goes our new
16 millimeter cannon.

- Yeah, but the enemy
has a 17 millimeter canon.

- So what, it's just a
silly millimeter longer,

we're safe in this foxhole.

- Well, I feel safe,

but actually Bill,
you're only half safe.

I may get shot for saying this,

but you have bad,
(airplane flying close)

- Hey, those are our planes.

Give 'em some ground support.

(machine guns firing)

- Hey, the enemy
fort is knocked flat!

Absolutely flat.

- Tell you something
else that's flat, Jim.

- What's that Bill?

- These cigarettes.

- Here, try one of mine.

- Thanks.

Do you save the
coupon on the back?

- Sure you silly goose.

How do you think I got
this swell machine gun?

(airplane flying by)

- [Walkie Talkie] Attention,
enemy aircraft overhead.

Plane carrying hydrogen bomb,

capable of
destroying entire earth.

There's only one
thing you can do.

- Quick, what do we do?

- [Walkie Talkie] I'll tell
you in just a moment.

But first, this
important message,

- Well, it's time to
say good night, Dick.

- Good night, Dick.

- Night, Dick.

- Good night, Dick.

- Good night, Dick.

- Who's Dick?

- And next week we have a
wonderful show lined up for you,

- I wonder if you'd
mind if I said something

my aunt once said to me.

- I'd love to ordinarily,
but we're out of time.

Next week our show is,

- She was locked in
the projection room of the

Rialto theater in
Traverse City, Michigan

for three days with
the projectionist

while they were watching
Riders of the Purple Rock

starring John Wayne
and Dixie Dunbar.

- Next week our guests are,

- I think what perhaps
she said when she came

out of the projection
room might be

of interest to the folks.

She came out of the
projection room fast,

and she said,

Oh I couldn't say
that on the air.

- Say night, Dick.

- Good night, Dick.

- Good night, everybody,
hope you had a good time.

- My father's an elk,
a moose and a lion.

- Really?

What zoo does he live in?

- One out of every
three men is disturbed.

That's because he's worried
about those other two coocoos.

- Hey, how 'bout it, Dick,

you wanna go out to a nice
restaurant after the show.

- No thanks, I'm starved.

I think I'd better eat.

- I've heard a great
deal about you,

- Yes, but can you prove it.

- There's one man who
calls me every night,

and I couldn't even
repeat what he says.

It's the best thing I've
had going in years.

- Mary had a little lamb,

Its fleece was white as snow.

I never seen
white fleece before.

- Have you seen
the beautiful sunset?

- Why? Is one missing?

- I crossed a chicken
with a racing form.

- Oh really?

What did you get?

- A chicken that lays odds.

- I say, knock
knock - Who's there?

- Jefferson.

- Jefferson who?

- Jefferson tea and
crumpets old man.

Oh, I've got another one.

Knock knock.

- I'll knock knock you,
you crazy foreigner.

- Hey did you hear
about the guy who lit

a cigarette in the
dynamite factory?

- No, where is he?

- Room 46, 47, 48.

- I didn't mind when he
said grace at the dinner table.

But when he kept mentioning
her name in his sleep,

I really go mad.

- Viatchaslov?

- Yeah.

(foreign language)

Yeah.

(kazoo buzzing)

- I made a pair of shoes
out of banana skins.

They made wonderful slippers.

- If we're so over sexed,
how come we're still

a minority group?

(silly music)

- What was it you
wanted to see me about?

- I wanted to ask
you about my brother.

- The preceding was
recorded earlier because

our clocks broke.

- The program you
have just seen is true.

Only the writers will be
changed to protect the innocent.

- Very interesting.

He he.