Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 1, Episode 5 - Episode #1.5 - full transcript
(playful music)
- [Narrator] The
following program
is brought to you in
living color, on NBC.
- Well here we are
again boys and girls,
ready for another meeting
of Uncle Freddy's
Saturday morning fun club.
- I happen to know
that at this very minute,
Lucille Ball is
watching this show.
(audience laughing)
- And now, coming direct
to you from the glamorous
Candlelight Lounge,
high atop the world
famous Acne Diner
in beautiful downtown Burbank,
NBC presents Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In.
Starring Dan Rowan
and Dick Martin,
with guest stars Pamela
Austin, Judy Carne,
Arte Johnson,
and special guest Kay Ballard.
With Eileen Brennan, Ruth Buzzi,
Richard Dawson,
Goldie Hawn, Larry Hovis,
Henry Gibson, Roddy Maude-Roxby,
yours truly Gary Owens,
and Morgul as
the Friendly Drelb.
- Tonight's program
is brought to you
by the fun-filled gang crew at.
- And now, before proceeding
with the entertainment
portion of the show,
here is the lovely Dan Rowan
and the glamorous Dick Martin,
to ask the musical
question Funiculi Funicula.
- Good evening
ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to another
hour of madness
that we like to call
laughingly call Laugh-In.
- Good evening
ladies and gentlemen,
and welcome to
another hour of madness
that we laughingly
call Laugh-In.
- I just said that.
- I know, but it just had
kind of a nice ring to it.
- That's the reason I said it.
Hey, pretty excited
about tonight's show?
- Well I guess so.
You know how I get when I
get to work with John Wayne.
- He's not here.
- He's late?
- He's not late.
- You mean, we're early?
- Let's talk about who
is here tonight, okay.
- Jimmy Stewart.
- Now why do you say
Jimmy Stewart's here?
- Well everybody
has to be someplace.
- Hey, you know
who's here tonight?
- Ah...
- Gay Valor.
- You're kidding.
- Gay Valor, huh, you like her?
- I guess so.
- Oh she's, you know, what?
We gotta be the luckiest
two guys in television.
- Why's that?
- Well we have such
nice people to work with,
everybody gets along so well.
- Gets along so
well, wait'll I tell ya.
I was over at Pam
Austin's last night,
you'd be surprised
how well we got along.
(audience laughing)
- Not exactly what I meant.
- Oh she's mad about me.
- I kinda doubt that.
- So does she.
- Well why would you say that?
- I don't know, it just had
kind of a nice ring to it.
- Hey tell us, now you
weren't even with Pam Austin
last night.
Where were we?
- Alright, I was at a
topless restaurant.
- Where?
- In beautiful downtown Burbank.
- I didn't even
know they had one.
- Neither did the cops.
- What do you see
in those places?
- You want me to answer that?
Or would you rather
finish the show?
- Well you can't say that?
- I could if I was on The
Smothers Brothers show.
- Every network's entitled
to one little mistake.
- Ah, anything you'd
like to add to this?
- Nothing I could say out loud.
- No, I guess we
ought to get to the party.
- We ought to get somewhere.
- Yeah.
- They're all invited to.
- Why not? Let's go.
(applauding)
(upbeat funky music)
- I say the Republicans
stand a chance this year,
but they'll probably spoil
it by nominating someone.
(upbeat funky music)
- Heaven shines on show folk.
Look at what happened
to Billy Graham.
(upbeat funky music)
- Some nights I
put out all the lights
and play Robert Goulet
records until I could just scream.
(upbeat funky music)
- It is said that the plum
tree which groweth here,
is rarer than the mist or wind
which bloweth the
mountain lion up hill.
(upbeat funky music)
- Oh, I was just shocked
when Frank Sinatra
split up with Mia,
after she'd given him
the best year of her life.
(audience laughing)
- Listen, I've spent a
lot of time in London,
I think it has a
certain air about it.
- Yes, we call it fog.
(upbeat funky music)
- Good girls are the
happiest because they know
they're good.
Bad girls must find it
awfully hard to sleep at night.
(upbeat funky music)
- I took a pill this morning.
I hope it works twice
as fast as aspirin alone.
(upbeat funky music)
- Now the Mormons
had the right idea.
Just a shame that polygamy
never caught on among
the married people
of this country.
(audience laughing)
- Now you shouldn't
make fun of polygamies.
They can't help
it if they're not tall.
(upbeat funky music)
- I say we should
bring sex education
into the classroom and
away from the playing field.
(upbeat funky music)
- I'm all for
modernizing our hymns,
but I still think Amen is better
than Scooby-Dooby-Doo.
(upbeat funky music)
- It's just that I
feel that women
were put on this
earth to reproduce.
And I'm not doing my part.
(upbeat funky music)
- Oh, well I finally
find the man
who's exactly right for me,
I just hope his wife
won't make a scene.
(audience laughing)
- There's one thing I
don't quite understand
about your political
system, you know,
and that is that it seems to me
you take a lot of very good men
and they say some very
nasty things to each other,
and then gradually
you narrow it down
'til you've got two people
insulting each other,
and then you elect
one of them president.
- And you don't understand that?
- Not entirely, no.
- Hmm, neither do I.
(upbeat funky music)
- My mother just isn't with it.
She thinks the
valley of the dolls
is where Santa Claus
goes in the summer.
- My daughter says now
that the Supreme Court
has outlawed prayers in school,
the convent's just not the same.
(upbeat funky music)
(audience applauding)
- [Man] Sock it to
me, sock it to me...
- And now folks, it's
sock it to me time.
(audience laughing)
- Sock it to me?
How would you like an
arrow through the ear?
- Sock it to me, sock
it to me, sock it to me.
Sock it to me?
- One defender?
(thudding)
(speaking in a foreign language)
(whimsical music)
(audience laughing)
(imitating snoring)
- There is some
corner of a foreign field
that is forever England.
Whatever that means.
- In this packet I have
some English soil.
I'm putting a
little bit of this soil
into the corner of
every foreign field
I can find.
We'll get our empire
back somehow.
(audience laughing)
(whimsical music)
- And now, here is
Rowan and Martin's
Laugh-In news report of
the past, present and future.
(playful music)
What to do about the nation
We have got the information
In a way, we hope
will have new, new
We just love to give you a view
Ladies and gents,
laugh it up to the news
- [Girls] Here's Dan.
(girls screaming)
(audience applauding)
- And now here with
the news of the present,
the man to whom the
news wouldn't be the news
without the news.
Here's Dicky.
(uplifting music)
- Representatives of the
National Rifle Association
said today that anyone
who would sell guns
to minors and unstable
people should be shot.
(audience laughing)
He said that.
Okay.
Business news.
Today, Zippo lighters merged
with the Camptown Racetrack,
new corporation to be
called Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah.
(audience laughing)
They're gettin' hostile.
A major auto firm
was forced today
to recall 300,000
faulty automobiles.
Management said they hadn't
produced that many vehicles,
therefore in order
to meet their quota,
they had to rush
100,000 new faulty cars
into production.
And now, take it away Goldie.
- And now the news of the
future, here's Dan Rowan,
and the news 20
years from now, 1988.
That's in the future, you know.
(audience laughing)
- State capital Alabama, 1988.
Today, Governor
Stokely Carmichael,
stood in the doorway
of Alabama University
to welcome the first
white student in 20 years.
(audience laughing)
- That's nice.
- Item, Paris, 1988,
Emperor Charles de Gaulle,
said today, let America
and France be friends again.
I am ready to sign a
mutual assistance treaty
immediately.
This statement
followed the bulletin
that the East German
army has just crossed
the French border and
is advancing toward Paris.
(audience laughing)
- Now, as we trip merrily
back through history,
we take you to deepest
Africa, many years ago.
- That's in the
future, you know.
(audience laughing)
(animals howling)
- Dr. Livingstone, I presume.
- No.
(audience laughing)
- Well, that's the Rowan
and Martin report for tonight.
- Hey, hold it Dick.
You forgot the weather.
- So did I.
- Here's the weather.
- It's sunny in New York,
little cloudy in Chicago,
and here in downtown
Burbank, we just may get
some slight showers.
(thunder clapping)
- That's not nice.
- Hey, tune in next
week when Laugh-In
again looks at the news
past, present and future.
- And don't forget,
send us a dime
to cover the cost of handling
and we'll send you
the mayor of downtown
beautiful Burbank.
- Beautiful downtown Burbank.
(triumphant music)
(playful music)
(audience laughing)
- You know, this is
absolutely amazing.
This girl's been medically
dead for over two hours,
and still she
continues to dance.
What do you make of it doctor?
- Obviously she has a
body that just won't quit.
(audience laughing)
- Hey man, that's a wild smell.
- That's me.
I ain't lit this yet.
(audience laughing)
- We've got to stop
meeting like this.
I think Harold's
getting suspicious.
- You're right.
- I have to go now
dear, and get my uniform.
- No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no,
you'll be killed.
Don't go.
- Don't be silly, who'd
want to kill a mailman?
- And now folks, it's
sock it to me time.
(cartoon-like whistling)
- Sock it to me, sock
it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me.
- Well, I've never
been bald before.
(audience laughing)
- Sock it to me?
- [Dan] Ladies and
gentlemen, Miss Dinah Shore.
(elegant music)
(whimsical music)
- [Man] Honey, where'd
you put the soap?
(crashing)
oh, never mind, I found it.
- Hello, I'm Rex Martin.
- My name is Friar Tuck,
and I've got a secret.
I'm Walter Slezak.
(audience laughing)
I'm also Groucho Marx.
- I'm Mary and I have a secret.
(audience laughing)
- [Jim] My name is Jim Garrison.
And I've got a secret.
- My name is Little John.
- And I'm his secret.
- Hey, what a groovy present.
I always wanted a potholder.
(audience laughing)
- Diddle, diddle
dumpling, my son John,
couldn't go to bed,
he was too turned on.
Sandals off and headband on,
diddle, diddle
dumpling, he's real gone.
(audience laughing)
(whimsical music)
- Well folks out there
in television land,
moving right along now,
it's time for Laugh-In's
new talent department.
When we spotlight
stars of today, tomorrow.
(whimsical music)
- With yesterday's band.
- You keep making
fun of the band,
they won't play good.
- It'll be an improvement.
- Hey, I got a surprise
for you tonight.
- Well folks, once again the
National Broadcasting Company
is going to sock it to you.
- Hold it, you've been
parading these kooks
out now for four weeks.
I happen to have one of myself.
- You've got one of yourself?
- Did I say that?
- Why not?
Who've you got?
- Well, I happen
to have a dandy.
Ladies and gentlemen,
one of the world greats
ornithologists.
- You got a bird watcher?
- We're a little safer
saying ornithologist.
- He's still a bird watcher.
- You bet your sweet
ornithologist he is.
(audience laughing)
- What does he do?
- He does bird calls.
- Oh come on, these
guys are phonies.
They put something
in their mouth,
they don't really do
bird calls.
- Not this one,
this is onalegiminate.
- Legitimate?
- Yes, ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Richard Dawson.
(audience applauding)
- Ah, buon giorno, buon giorno.
Thank you.
I would like to
reiterate what Mr. um,
the tall fellow said.
And that is I have what is
known as a natural throat.
Yes.
Just a gift of nature,
you might say.
I do not use any
artificial appliance
in my mouth at all to get
these uncanny sounds.
So if I may, a few of the
lesser known bird calls.
Excuse me.
(coughing)
(audience laughing)
For this one, I
will attempt to do,
(mumbling)
(imitating bird tweeting)
Ta dah!
(audience laughing)
Last, but certainly not least,
I (whistling)
I shall attempt to do something
that, to my
knowledge (whistling)
bless me, to my
knowledge, has (whistling)
never actually been
attempted in prime time before.
Absolute silence please.
(whistling)
(audience laughing)
(gulping)
(coughing)
(audience laughing)
(coughing)
- Well, there he goes.
(audience applauding)
- Say hello to Tiny Tim.
(whimsical music)
Well, I think I'll go take a
walk and clear my head out.
- Hey, hey, hold, wait a minute,
you're not going anywhere.
I got another one.
- You got another goody?
- A protest singer.
- A real protest singer?
- A real protest singer, boys.
Bet your sweet zonkies.
- Woah.
I can hardly wait to
see who she's mad at.
- You don't have to
be mad at anybody
to be a protest singer.
- Well it helps.
- Hey, you're gonna love her.
- I'd love anybody
after those two cuckoos
we just saw.
- I think we ought
to put her on now,
she's come a long
way to be here tonight.
- All the way from
Amsterdam, Holland.
- No, no, not quite.
But all the way
from a demonstration
in beautiful downtown Burbank.
- What's her name.
- Buffy Sainte Garfunkel.
(audience applauding)
- Well, let's hear it
for Buffy Sainte Garfin.
- Funkel.
This is my song and
I'm going to sing it
I'm from the rebellious
younger generation
I didn't ask to be
born into this world
But here I am
Nobody loves me
'cause I got pimples
I hate the Empire State building
'Cause it's so tall
I hate Paris, France
and Charles de Gaulle
I hate organized labor,
I hate organized religion
Amen
I hate anything that's organized
I hate injustice
I hate the United States Senate
Ann-Margret and
Rutherford B. Hayes
I hate without regard to
race, creed, color or religion
Amen
This is my song and
I'm going to sing it
I hate Smokey the
Bear, he's a pyromaniac
I don't want my boyfriend
to be seen anywhere
In this world, including
Waukegan, Illinois
I don't want him here
Nobody loves me
'cause I got pimples
Why wasn't Joan Baez
named Miss America
Joan Baez, Baez,
Baez, Baez, Baez Amen
They hate us 'cause we
know how to do the skate
And the boogaloo
I like sit ins and sleep ins
I hate walk outs and wait ins
How come they can put
an astronaut out in space
But they can't invent
something to clear up pimples
Sing a protest song
Sing a protest song
Nothing could be finer
than to be in Carolina
Sing a protest song
Sing a protest song
California here I come
With my protest song
With my pimples
(audience applauding)
- Well that's our new
talent for tonight folks,
I hope you'll tune in next week
when the fickle
finger of fate points
at more stars of tomorrow.
- Do you want to try that again?
- I said when the fickle
finger of fate points
at more stars of tomorrow.
Why, how would you say it?
- I wouldn't.
- Maybe you'd prefer
the fickle finger of fate,
fame and fortune
flies afar for frequent
flicks, flamboyant
flaps and fickle fingers.
- Now, cut that out.
(audience applauding)
- We'll return to Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In
right after this important word.
- Lollipop.
(audience laughing)
- I'll drink to that.
(speaking in a foreign language)
(laughing)
- So remember folks,
you're in good hands
with (crashing)
- Moving right along.
(audience applauding)
- Billy, we've got to
stop meeting like this,
Harold's getting suspicious.
(audience laughing)
(whimsical music)
(audience laughing)
- Hey, there's been
quite a bit of unrest
up in Berkeley, so
we sent Dick Martin
up there to see what's
wrong with the student body.
Take it away, Dick.
- Well this is Dick Martin,
and ah, I'm talking
to the student body
and from what I can
see there's nothing
wrong with her.
(audience laughing)
Born free
My uncle was a doctor.
(audience laughing)
(whimsical music)
- Did you hear about
the two little fleas
at the bottom of the hill?
- No, tell me, please do.
- One little flea said
to the other little flea,
well, what do you want to do?
Walk or take a dog?
- Did you hear about
the guy who crossed
an electric eel
with a jellyfish?
- No, what did he get?
- Current jelly.
- You hear about the
farmer who crossed
a potato with a sponge?
- No, what did he get?
- I don't know, but it sure
soaks up a lot of gravy.
- Did you hear about
the chap who crossed
a cow with a giraffe?
- No, what did he get?
- I don't know what you call it,
but you can milk it standing up.
(audience laughing)
(speaking in a foreign language)
- No I didn't.
(speaking in a foreign language)
- He'll make a pass
at anything in a skirt.
- Yeah, last night the
Scotsman nearly killed him.
(audience laughing)
- Hey Dan.
- Hmm.
- What has four
paws covered with fur
and goes meow?
- A cat.
- Oh, you heard it.
(audience laughing)
- The second half of
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In
is brought to you by.
(playful music)
- What has four
legs, is soft and furry
and goes ruff ruff?
- A dog.
- Well if you've heard
them all, forget it.
(audience laughing)
- And now folks, it's
sock it to me time.
(crashing)
(laughing)
- What's so funny?
(speaking in a foreign language)
(booming)
- Sock it to me, sock
it to me, sock it to me.
- They are definitely strange.
- Was that Peter Lawford?
No.
- When I'm not wearing my hat,
I write with it.
(animals howling)
- Dr. Livingstone.
- Stanley, we can't
go on meeting like this.
(audience laughing)
(gunshot booming)
(audience laughing)
(bell ringing)
- [Man] You weigh 154 pounds.
And your dream is to
be an interior decorator.
(audience laughing)
(gentle music)
You do something to me
Please.
(audience laughing)
(whimsical music)
Gloomp.
(audience laughing)
- Tonight, Mod, Mod World
takes a look at glamour.
(upbeat music)
Tonight we take a look
at the mod mod world
of fashion and glamour.
- We do?
- Yep, this is the figure
in the world of fashion,
you've probably gathered
by now that this year
the bosoms are out.
- I'll drink to that.
(audience laughing)
- No, no, that, that
doesn't mean they're out.
- You got something
going I don't know about?
- It simply means that
they are not being featured
this year.
You see, this is a trend
that started with Twiggy.
- I know her, the
runt of the litter.
(audience laughing)
- She happens to be a
very nice young English girl
who's figure caught on.
- To what?
(audience laughing)
- It didn't catch
on to anything,
it became very
popular in Europe.
- What, they run out
of ironing boards?
- Apparently you
don't like Twiggy.
- Well, she's just not my bag.
- And there's another new trend,
miniskirts are being
replaced by maxi slacks.
- Hey I know him.
- Who?
- Well, Maxi Slacks, I
remember when he fought Firpo.
- No, no.
And of course men
are now wearing beads.
- What, Firpo wore beads?
- No, no, no, no.
Men are wearing peace beads.
It's a symbol that
they're in favor of peace.
- Not in my old
neighborhood they didn't.
Earrings maybe, never beads.
- Alright, hold it.
Now then fashion changed
a great deal over the years.
Now for instance,
in your mother's day,
a woman didn't dare
even show her ankle.
- Well I should
certainly hope not.
- She wouldn't even
wear a short sleeved dress
because everything
was covered up.
- Nah, that's not my bag.
- From head to toe, all
you could see was her face.
- Mm, that's terrible.
- What's so terrible about that?
- Well, it's like going
out with a mystery guest.
- Well now, actually I
suppose one might say
that fashion began in
the Garden of Eden, right?
- I suppose one might say that.
- And the first clothing
were fig leaves.
Now Adam wore one,
and Eve wore three.
- Must have been a
gas on a windy day.
(laughing)
- Games today in fashion
are Bonnie and Clyde.
- She wears three
leaves, he wears one.
- Now come on, this
is a serious subject.
The Bonnie and Clyde
look is really the look
of the '30s.
What it's called is
being suggestive,
without being revealing.
- That's what my
mother used to say.
- Your mother used to say what?
- A place for everything,
and everything in its place.
(audience laughing)
- Oh I suppose that's
another way to it.
You know the next trend?
- What, three leaves
for him, and none for her.
- No, no, no, no.
The next trend's
cellophane dresses.
- Ah ha ha, now
that's my baggie.
(laughing)
- Sort of a play on
words there, yes.
You, you know,
you'd go out with a girl
in a cellophane dress?
- Not on your life.
- Well I'm glad to hear that.
- We'd stay in.
- Come on.
What would you see
in a cellophane dress?
- You want me to answer that
or would you rather
finish the show?
- [Dan] No, no.
- Well we could if we were on
The Smothers Brothers show.
- Now just a,
just suppose that cellophane
dresses are all the rage.
You go see your girlfriend,
she opens the door, she's
stand there in a cellophane dress.
- Right.
- Now where you gonna take her?
- To the nearest bright light.
- Oh, come on, seriously.
(screaming)
Alright, out for the evening,
where can you take her?
- I can take her to
see my mother's ankle.
(audience laughing)
- With that in mind,
Mod, Mod World
takes a look at fashion glamour.
(funky music)
- You know, no woman
in the history of the world
has had the opportunity
to be glamorous
under more favorable
circumstances
than the American housewife.
- Through the miracle
of inexpensive cosmetics,
lotions and hairdryers, she
faces her every waking moment
secure in the knowledge
she truly walks in beauty.
- And never more
so than when the wife
ends up the day and
walks into the arms
of her beloved husband.
(audience laughing)
- You coming darling?
- I'll be right there dear.
(funky music)
(audience laughing)
We've got to stop
meeting like this,
I think Harold's
getting suspicious.
- But I am Harold, darling.
(audience laughing)
(funky music)
- Here's a treat for those of
you fashion minded viewers.
One of the leading
couturiers, Mr. Mike Michael.
Will you give us just a hint
of next year's styles, Mike?
- In '69, I see lots
of decolletage,
lower, lower, lower.
And hem lines are gonna be
higher and higher and higher,
and ooze of lace trim with,
with flowers and lots of flowers
and oodles of
flowers and flounces.
And beads, lots of
beads, beads, beads.
- Oh what a treat it's
gonna be for the ladies.
- Ladies?
No, my fashion is for men.
(audience laughing)
(funky music)
- Well it's very nice
of you to take time out
to let us interview
you, Dr. Scoff.
- Well, with me it's
work, work, work.
As a psychologist, I
run about 30 cuckoos
through this office every day.
(audience laughing)
- Yes, does the American
pursuit of glamour
affect many of your patients?
- All of them, that's all
they ever think about.
- If I were to come to you
with the same problem,
how would you treat me?
- Well, first I'd cancel
your Playboy subscription.
You know all you men think that
Hugh Hefner has what
he wants and he's happy,
and that's why you
read that magazine.
Thinking that if you
read that magazine
you'll get what you want.
But the trouble is, Mr. Hefner,
not only has what he wants,
he's got what you want
and he ain't sharing it,
so forget it.
- Well, what's the answer?
- Know thyself.
Like me, dates and
parties, that's not for me.
For me it's cuckoos, 30 a
day, 210 cuckoos a week,
rain or shine.
None of that phony jazz for me.
I know myself.
I'm Dr. Jane Scoff,
plain Jane Scoff.
The old maid doctor
who listens to the cuckoos.
(audience laughing)
I'm no glamour
girl, I know this,
and it just doesn't
seem to bother me.
(sobbing)
- Doctor, doctor,
what is it doctor?
Doctor?
- What's wrong with me anyhow?
Look at these teeth.
$8,000, wholesale.
Look at this suit, look at it.
It's a Rudi Gernreich.
And he didn't want
to sell it, he didn't.
He designed it for himself.
(audience laughing)
I spent every cent I
make to look like this.
Don't you want to kiss me?
Don't you want to hug me?
Don't you want to
take me for granted?
Please?
- But I'm a married man.
- That's what they all say.
Imagine 30 cuckoos a day,
210 cuckoos a week,
that's 10,000 cuckoos a year.
I can't stand it.
- Wait.
- I can't stand it.
(glass crashing)
(audience laughing)
- Maybe I should
have kissed her.
She wasn't so bad.
Maybe if her nose
was a little shorter,
her legs a little
longer, if she had...
- Yes, yes, nose a
little shorter, legs longer,
I'll get them fixed.
Anything, anything.
I'll beg, borrow, steal.
Give me a chance.
(audience laughing)
(funky music)
(audience laughing)
I'm glamorous I'm glamorous
I looked at myself
and I'm glamorous
A guy at the laundromat
gave me a thrill
And now I'm a regular
Princess Lee Ratherwell
- Do you see it?
- I do.
- Where, where?
- Well, ah...
- No, no, the feet.
Oh I'm divine I'm really chic
I may do a layout
for Vogue next week
Or was it Good Housekeeping?
- Ramparts.
- That was it.
If I'm in a Rose or
a Volkswagon bus
I am glamorous
(playful music)
I am beautiful, I am beautiful
Believe it or not,
I am beautiful
This guy on the bus
wants to see me again
Tell, tell, tell.
I guess I remind
him of Sophia Loren
- Huh?
- Why haven't I seen it?
- Yeah, you see it?
- Here up,
it's a carbon copy.
- I knew it.
I'm on the town
from dusk 'til dawn
I'll model for Pucci
and sell Lauren
They'll drape me with
satin and sequins and tulle
'Cause I'm - Lucy,
have I ever lied to you?
- No, what?
- Sequins, cheapy,
cheapy, cheapy, cheapy.
- Oh, oh, off with the sequins.
- Oh yes.
- Yes, what shall I use?
- Now I think you
should stick to satin, tulle,
once in a while file... - Tulle.
'Cause I'm beautiful
- Oh, can't you see
them back there?
The lessons were a total loss.
We're glamorous,
beautiful femme fatales
We used to be nine
to five working girls
Got hit with some arrows
And aimed them at
us And we're charming
Witty, sexy, pretty
Rhombus and urban,
feathers and fuss
'Cause we're really Glamorous
(audience applauding)
- And now it's time for
the Laugh-In classified ads.
Network television's
only opportunity
for the little man or woman
to have an opportunity
to broadcast his or her
message all over America.
(audience laughing)
- Hmm, good night!
The heart rending plea
of an unhappy woman.
- Personal.
Harry come home.
It's all over between
Fred and me.
Please Harry, come home,
it's all over, I tell
you, come home,
Harry, but call first.
(audience laughing)
- Wanted, a topless
waitress and fry cook.
Incidentally, these
jobs are separate.
(audience laughing)
- And that's our
classified ads for tonight.
(cartoon-like whistling)
- Got to be quick.
(audience laughing)
- What are you doing?
- Doctor's orders.
- What do you mean,
doctor's orders?
- Well, he told me
take my medicine
for one week running
and then skip a week.
You guys are funnier
than Laurel and Hardy.
(laughing)
- You don't have to
be happy to be gay.
(audience laughing)
- Ah, ladies and
gentlemen, once again,
a Laugh-In extra.
- An extra what?
- That's right.
Ladies and gentlemen,
our own Piotr Rosmenko.
(audience applauding)
- It's good to see you.
- Yes, it's nice
to see you again.
You going to sing
us a folk song.
- Well it's extra what
you said it's to be.
I have a special
surprised to you.
I have for too many years
worked with a grouped
in other place and helped
for them to escaping.
- Oh, it's somebody
you helped escape?
- I helped for them to
escaping and to bringing
for you right away.
- Wonderful.
- So I decide I
would do this for you.
- Thank you.
- You like me for it.
Any, the ladies.
(audience laughing)
Ladies and gentlemen,
it's a great privilege
for me to introduced
Holyecki Sisters.
(playful music)
- [Girls] Hey!
(dramatic music)
(humming)
(singing in a foreign language)
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
- Well, shall we, shall
we join the ladies?
- Yes, let's join the ladies.
I say, let's join all
the ladies together
and make one enormous lady.
- Oh, splendid idea.
- I think I'll have a
very cold dry martini
on the rocks to start,
and then you can begin
with a coquilles St.-Jacques
I'll have the coq au
vin with petit pois,
ah hearts of palm,
vinaigrette dressing,
cherries Jubilee, and a
Napoleon brandy and coffee.
- One number three, Herman.
(audience laughing)
(whimsical music)
(audience laughing)
- We take you now to
the lovely Starlight Room,
high above the friendly car
wash in downtown Burbank.
(audience laughing)
(coughing)
- Good evening.
- Yes.
I'd like a small
table for two please.
- There you go.
(audience laughing)
- Later that same day.
(thudding)
(cartoon-like boing)
- Excuse me sir, will that
be for cocktails or dinner?
(audience laughing)
- Meanwhile, back
at the restaurant.
(whistling)
- Good evening sir.
Would you prefer a booth?
- That is the worst
joke I've ever heard.
- Will the gentleman
who was making
the obscene telephone
calls to Miss Gladys Ormphby
at KL5 1377 please, please stop.
My number has been
changed to KL5 4288.
I'm gonna love you
like nobody's loved you
Come rain or come shine
(whimsical music)
- I've cornered the
market on Walnettos.
(audience laughing)
- And now folks, it's
sock it to me time.
(audience laughing)
(speaking in a foreign language)
- Sock it to me, sock
it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me.
- I'm not at all surprised.
- Oh man, I wish I had a beard.
- Hey man, use mine.
- Oh, groovy.
- Patty cake, patty
cake, bakers man,
bake me a friend.
(audience laughing)
Romance on the high seas
Romance on the high seas
(audience laughing)
(splashing)
(playful music)
- Tonight the Rowan
and Martin Laugh-In
is going to sluice
someone who's perhaps
the most maligned
person in history,
the mother in law.
(upbeat music)
Let us state, if we might,
just a word or two tonight
About our darling mother in law
Her constant
resentment is endearing
So who minds
a little interfering
As the years go along, who
will tell you when you're wrong
Without your
darling mother in law
The troubles she'll give to you
Invite her to live with you
She'll point out your every flaw
You're a king at
work, at home a jerk
To your darling mother in law
- The mother in law.
A woman who has always
had to bear the abuse
of others.
A woman, who through
all her life has heard
cruel remarks.
Just listen to some
of the terrible jokes
that have been made
about this grand old lady.
- My mother in law's
very broad minded.
She approaches every
subject with an open mouth.
- My mother in law is so
ugly that a peeping tom
reached in her window and
pulled down her window shade.
- My mother in law
is a kind of woman
who could have been
a good top sergeant
if she weren't so mean.
(audience laughing)
- A mother in law
who is a woman who,
if you had to do
it all over again,
you'd do it all over again.
- All a mother in law
really wants is someone
to look out for her.
So next time you see
her coming, look out!
- If all the mothers
in law in the world
were laid out end to
end there's not a jury
that would convict you.
(audience laughing)
- Keep your mother in
law around the house,
remember, most
accidents happen at home.
- I didn't talk to my
mother in law once
for six months,
I didn't want to interrupt her.
(audience laughing)
- Mean, rotten, cruel,
and those are some
of her nice qualities.
(audience laughing)
- Things have been said like,
take my mother in law, please.
- Your mothers in law
deserve a right to be heard,
so tonight, here is the
Laugh-In mother in law
of the year.
- Hold it, hold it, hold it.
I'm a mother in
law and proud of it.
And as a mother in law,
I've taught my daughter's kids
to love and respect
what's-his-name.
Just this morning we were
having a friendly little chat.
Of course I did tell
him about my baby's
last boyfriend,
the millionaire, the one
she could have married.
(audience laughing)
I told him the truth.
I told him that he
was tall, handsome,
rich and yet there was
something about him
I liked.
When that kid of
mine makes a mistake,
she makes a lulu!
(audience laughing)
To think that she could
have married mister gorgeous,
rich, and she picked mister bum.
Mister bum.
A bum who's turning my baby girl
into an old lady
before she's 30.
Alright, she's 39.
Kill me, shoot me, shoot me.
(audience laughing)
I don't care kids.
I don't care what humiliation
that man heaps on me,
what insults he throws at me.
I will stick in that house,
at least until the
divorce comes through.
(audience laughing)
Who will sweep out your house
When you're napping
with your spouse
While it's your
darling mother in law
She's quite indestructible
But never deductible
Equipped with a fang and a claw
For seven bits, who babysits
That's our darling mother in
Darling mother in
Darling mother in law
(audience applauding)
- On the eve of the
presidential election,
Mrs. Thomas E. Dewey, wife
of the republican candidate,
has announced her
plans for redecorating
the White House.
(whimsical music)
(audience laughing)
(siren ringing)
- Did you see him,
did you see him?
A crazy man just
escaped from the asylum,
did you see him?
- No, no, no.
What did he look like?
- Well, he's six foot three,
he weighs 14 pounds.
- Six foot three, 14
pounds, that's impossible.
- I told you he was crazy.
(audience laughing)
- Lucky, what happened?
(audience laughing)
(sad trombone)
- Well, it's time to
say good night Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Is there any chance
of bringing back
The Man from U.N.C.L.E.?
- And don't forget
to tune in next week,
we have a show next week
that I'm...
- Yeah I wondered
if you'd mind something,
if I told you something
my aunt said to me
about a year ago.
- Sounds enchanting
but we don't have time.
Next week, our guests...
- She was in the
lifeboat of a ocean liner
with an able seaman.
- Yes.
Well we do have a wonderful
line up for you next week.
- I thought perhaps
what she said
when she came out
of the lifeboat would be
of interest to the
folks at home.
- Um, maybe you'd
better, you tell me first,
we're getting a
few letters as it is.
What, what is it?
- Alright.
- You can't say that.
- I could if we were on The
Smothers Brothers show.
- Say good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night everybody,
hope you had a good time.
(audience applauding)
(funky music)
- I had a little nut tree,
nothing would it bear,
I talked to it nicely,
but it didn't care.
The farmers in the
district think that I'm insane
for standing 'neath my nut tree
naked in the rain.
(audience laughing)
- Cuckoo, cuckoo.
- Knock knock.
- Who's there?
- Linden.
- Linden who?
London Bridge is falling down
- How long have you
been in show business?
- Oh about six foot three.
(audience laughing)
- Pittsburgh is missing.
Somewhere in Pennsylvania.
(audience laughing)
- Where were you born?
- New Jersey.
- What part?
- All of me.
(audience laughing)
- The doctor gave me an
anesthetic I couldn't afford,
oh nuts.
(audience laughing)
- She's so dumb, she thinks
Yale is a Swedish prison.
(speaking in a foreign language)
- What has nine yellow
noses and catches flies?
- Japanese baseball team.
- Would you still love me
if I had a split personality?
I mean, would you love us both?
(audience laughing)
- Knock knock.
- Shut up.
- Shut up who?
- Just shut up or I
give you a knock knock
(speaking in a foreign language)
- Jack be nimble, Jack be quick,
oh please stand still,
you're making me sick.
- A red sky in the morning
is the sailor's warning.
A red sky at night looks
the same as a red sky
in the morning.
(audience laughing)
- Hey, hey, if you cross
a rooster with a rooster
what do you get?
- A very cross rooster.
- There was a young
man with a duck?
- Who patiently
taught it to cluck.
- When he squeezed
the duck's head.
- The duck often said.
(speaking in a foreign language)
(knocking)
- I gave it the office.
(audience laughing)
(playful music)
(water rushing)
(doorbell ringing)
- Avon calling.
- Preceding was recorded earlier
so Arte Johnson could
visit his brother in Pacoima.
- Very interesting.
But I still love Lucy.
- [Narrator] The
following program
is brought to you in
living color, on NBC.
- Well here we are
again boys and girls,
ready for another meeting
of Uncle Freddy's
Saturday morning fun club.
- I happen to know
that at this very minute,
Lucille Ball is
watching this show.
(audience laughing)
- And now, coming direct
to you from the glamorous
Candlelight Lounge,
high atop the world
famous Acne Diner
in beautiful downtown Burbank,
NBC presents Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In.
Starring Dan Rowan
and Dick Martin,
with guest stars Pamela
Austin, Judy Carne,
Arte Johnson,
and special guest Kay Ballard.
With Eileen Brennan, Ruth Buzzi,
Richard Dawson,
Goldie Hawn, Larry Hovis,
Henry Gibson, Roddy Maude-Roxby,
yours truly Gary Owens,
and Morgul as
the Friendly Drelb.
- Tonight's program
is brought to you
by the fun-filled gang crew at.
- And now, before proceeding
with the entertainment
portion of the show,
here is the lovely Dan Rowan
and the glamorous Dick Martin,
to ask the musical
question Funiculi Funicula.
- Good evening
ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to another
hour of madness
that we like to call
laughingly call Laugh-In.
- Good evening
ladies and gentlemen,
and welcome to
another hour of madness
that we laughingly
call Laugh-In.
- I just said that.
- I know, but it just had
kind of a nice ring to it.
- That's the reason I said it.
Hey, pretty excited
about tonight's show?
- Well I guess so.
You know how I get when I
get to work with John Wayne.
- He's not here.
- He's late?
- He's not late.
- You mean, we're early?
- Let's talk about who
is here tonight, okay.
- Jimmy Stewart.
- Now why do you say
Jimmy Stewart's here?
- Well everybody
has to be someplace.
- Hey, you know
who's here tonight?
- Ah...
- Gay Valor.
- You're kidding.
- Gay Valor, huh, you like her?
- I guess so.
- Oh she's, you know, what?
We gotta be the luckiest
two guys in television.
- Why's that?
- Well we have such
nice people to work with,
everybody gets along so well.
- Gets along so
well, wait'll I tell ya.
I was over at Pam
Austin's last night,
you'd be surprised
how well we got along.
(audience laughing)
- Not exactly what I meant.
- Oh she's mad about me.
- I kinda doubt that.
- So does she.
- Well why would you say that?
- I don't know, it just had
kind of a nice ring to it.
- Hey tell us, now you
weren't even with Pam Austin
last night.
Where were we?
- Alright, I was at a
topless restaurant.
- Where?
- In beautiful downtown Burbank.
- I didn't even
know they had one.
- Neither did the cops.
- What do you see
in those places?
- You want me to answer that?
Or would you rather
finish the show?
- Well you can't say that?
- I could if I was on The
Smothers Brothers show.
- Every network's entitled
to one little mistake.
- Ah, anything you'd
like to add to this?
- Nothing I could say out loud.
- No, I guess we
ought to get to the party.
- We ought to get somewhere.
- Yeah.
- They're all invited to.
- Why not? Let's go.
(applauding)
(upbeat funky music)
- I say the Republicans
stand a chance this year,
but they'll probably spoil
it by nominating someone.
(upbeat funky music)
- Heaven shines on show folk.
Look at what happened
to Billy Graham.
(upbeat funky music)
- Some nights I
put out all the lights
and play Robert Goulet
records until I could just scream.
(upbeat funky music)
- It is said that the plum
tree which groweth here,
is rarer than the mist or wind
which bloweth the
mountain lion up hill.
(upbeat funky music)
- Oh, I was just shocked
when Frank Sinatra
split up with Mia,
after she'd given him
the best year of her life.
(audience laughing)
- Listen, I've spent a
lot of time in London,
I think it has a
certain air about it.
- Yes, we call it fog.
(upbeat funky music)
- Good girls are the
happiest because they know
they're good.
Bad girls must find it
awfully hard to sleep at night.
(upbeat funky music)
- I took a pill this morning.
I hope it works twice
as fast as aspirin alone.
(upbeat funky music)
- Now the Mormons
had the right idea.
Just a shame that polygamy
never caught on among
the married people
of this country.
(audience laughing)
- Now you shouldn't
make fun of polygamies.
They can't help
it if they're not tall.
(upbeat funky music)
- I say we should
bring sex education
into the classroom and
away from the playing field.
(upbeat funky music)
- I'm all for
modernizing our hymns,
but I still think Amen is better
than Scooby-Dooby-Doo.
(upbeat funky music)
- It's just that I
feel that women
were put on this
earth to reproduce.
And I'm not doing my part.
(upbeat funky music)
- Oh, well I finally
find the man
who's exactly right for me,
I just hope his wife
won't make a scene.
(audience laughing)
- There's one thing I
don't quite understand
about your political
system, you know,
and that is that it seems to me
you take a lot of very good men
and they say some very
nasty things to each other,
and then gradually
you narrow it down
'til you've got two people
insulting each other,
and then you elect
one of them president.
- And you don't understand that?
- Not entirely, no.
- Hmm, neither do I.
(upbeat funky music)
- My mother just isn't with it.
She thinks the
valley of the dolls
is where Santa Claus
goes in the summer.
- My daughter says now
that the Supreme Court
has outlawed prayers in school,
the convent's just not the same.
(upbeat funky music)
(audience applauding)
- [Man] Sock it to
me, sock it to me...
- And now folks, it's
sock it to me time.
(audience laughing)
- Sock it to me?
How would you like an
arrow through the ear?
- Sock it to me, sock
it to me, sock it to me.
Sock it to me?
- One defender?
(thudding)
(speaking in a foreign language)
(whimsical music)
(audience laughing)
(imitating snoring)
- There is some
corner of a foreign field
that is forever England.
Whatever that means.
- In this packet I have
some English soil.
I'm putting a
little bit of this soil
into the corner of
every foreign field
I can find.
We'll get our empire
back somehow.
(audience laughing)
(whimsical music)
- And now, here is
Rowan and Martin's
Laugh-In news report of
the past, present and future.
(playful music)
What to do about the nation
We have got the information
In a way, we hope
will have new, new
We just love to give you a view
Ladies and gents,
laugh it up to the news
- [Girls] Here's Dan.
(girls screaming)
(audience applauding)
- And now here with
the news of the present,
the man to whom the
news wouldn't be the news
without the news.
Here's Dicky.
(uplifting music)
- Representatives of the
National Rifle Association
said today that anyone
who would sell guns
to minors and unstable
people should be shot.
(audience laughing)
He said that.
Okay.
Business news.
Today, Zippo lighters merged
with the Camptown Racetrack,
new corporation to be
called Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah.
(audience laughing)
They're gettin' hostile.
A major auto firm
was forced today
to recall 300,000
faulty automobiles.
Management said they hadn't
produced that many vehicles,
therefore in order
to meet their quota,
they had to rush
100,000 new faulty cars
into production.
And now, take it away Goldie.
- And now the news of the
future, here's Dan Rowan,
and the news 20
years from now, 1988.
That's in the future, you know.
(audience laughing)
- State capital Alabama, 1988.
Today, Governor
Stokely Carmichael,
stood in the doorway
of Alabama University
to welcome the first
white student in 20 years.
(audience laughing)
- That's nice.
- Item, Paris, 1988,
Emperor Charles de Gaulle,
said today, let America
and France be friends again.
I am ready to sign a
mutual assistance treaty
immediately.
This statement
followed the bulletin
that the East German
army has just crossed
the French border and
is advancing toward Paris.
(audience laughing)
- Now, as we trip merrily
back through history,
we take you to deepest
Africa, many years ago.
- That's in the
future, you know.
(audience laughing)
(animals howling)
- Dr. Livingstone, I presume.
- No.
(audience laughing)
- Well, that's the Rowan
and Martin report for tonight.
- Hey, hold it Dick.
You forgot the weather.
- So did I.
- Here's the weather.
- It's sunny in New York,
little cloudy in Chicago,
and here in downtown
Burbank, we just may get
some slight showers.
(thunder clapping)
- That's not nice.
- Hey, tune in next
week when Laugh-In
again looks at the news
past, present and future.
- And don't forget,
send us a dime
to cover the cost of handling
and we'll send you
the mayor of downtown
beautiful Burbank.
- Beautiful downtown Burbank.
(triumphant music)
(playful music)
(audience laughing)
- You know, this is
absolutely amazing.
This girl's been medically
dead for over two hours,
and still she
continues to dance.
What do you make of it doctor?
- Obviously she has a
body that just won't quit.
(audience laughing)
- Hey man, that's a wild smell.
- That's me.
I ain't lit this yet.
(audience laughing)
- We've got to stop
meeting like this.
I think Harold's
getting suspicious.
- You're right.
- I have to go now
dear, and get my uniform.
- No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no,
you'll be killed.
Don't go.
- Don't be silly, who'd
want to kill a mailman?
- And now folks, it's
sock it to me time.
(cartoon-like whistling)
- Sock it to me, sock
it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me.
- Well, I've never
been bald before.
(audience laughing)
- Sock it to me?
- [Dan] Ladies and
gentlemen, Miss Dinah Shore.
(elegant music)
(whimsical music)
- [Man] Honey, where'd
you put the soap?
(crashing)
oh, never mind, I found it.
- Hello, I'm Rex Martin.
- My name is Friar Tuck,
and I've got a secret.
I'm Walter Slezak.
(audience laughing)
I'm also Groucho Marx.
- I'm Mary and I have a secret.
(audience laughing)
- [Jim] My name is Jim Garrison.
And I've got a secret.
- My name is Little John.
- And I'm his secret.
- Hey, what a groovy present.
I always wanted a potholder.
(audience laughing)
- Diddle, diddle
dumpling, my son John,
couldn't go to bed,
he was too turned on.
Sandals off and headband on,
diddle, diddle
dumpling, he's real gone.
(audience laughing)
(whimsical music)
- Well folks out there
in television land,
moving right along now,
it's time for Laugh-In's
new talent department.
When we spotlight
stars of today, tomorrow.
(whimsical music)
- With yesterday's band.
- You keep making
fun of the band,
they won't play good.
- It'll be an improvement.
- Hey, I got a surprise
for you tonight.
- Well folks, once again the
National Broadcasting Company
is going to sock it to you.
- Hold it, you've been
parading these kooks
out now for four weeks.
I happen to have one of myself.
- You've got one of yourself?
- Did I say that?
- Why not?
Who've you got?
- Well, I happen
to have a dandy.
Ladies and gentlemen,
one of the world greats
ornithologists.
- You got a bird watcher?
- We're a little safer
saying ornithologist.
- He's still a bird watcher.
- You bet your sweet
ornithologist he is.
(audience laughing)
- What does he do?
- He does bird calls.
- Oh come on, these
guys are phonies.
They put something
in their mouth,
they don't really do
bird calls.
- Not this one,
this is onalegiminate.
- Legitimate?
- Yes, ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Richard Dawson.
(audience applauding)
- Ah, buon giorno, buon giorno.
Thank you.
I would like to
reiterate what Mr. um,
the tall fellow said.
And that is I have what is
known as a natural throat.
Yes.
Just a gift of nature,
you might say.
I do not use any
artificial appliance
in my mouth at all to get
these uncanny sounds.
So if I may, a few of the
lesser known bird calls.
Excuse me.
(coughing)
(audience laughing)
For this one, I
will attempt to do,
(mumbling)
(imitating bird tweeting)
Ta dah!
(audience laughing)
Last, but certainly not least,
I (whistling)
I shall attempt to do something
that, to my
knowledge (whistling)
bless me, to my
knowledge, has (whistling)
never actually been
attempted in prime time before.
Absolute silence please.
(whistling)
(audience laughing)
(gulping)
(coughing)
(audience laughing)
(coughing)
- Well, there he goes.
(audience applauding)
- Say hello to Tiny Tim.
(whimsical music)
Well, I think I'll go take a
walk and clear my head out.
- Hey, hey, hold, wait a minute,
you're not going anywhere.
I got another one.
- You got another goody?
- A protest singer.
- A real protest singer?
- A real protest singer, boys.
Bet your sweet zonkies.
- Woah.
I can hardly wait to
see who she's mad at.
- You don't have to
be mad at anybody
to be a protest singer.
- Well it helps.
- Hey, you're gonna love her.
- I'd love anybody
after those two cuckoos
we just saw.
- I think we ought
to put her on now,
she's come a long
way to be here tonight.
- All the way from
Amsterdam, Holland.
- No, no, not quite.
But all the way
from a demonstration
in beautiful downtown Burbank.
- What's her name.
- Buffy Sainte Garfunkel.
(audience applauding)
- Well, let's hear it
for Buffy Sainte Garfin.
- Funkel.
This is my song and
I'm going to sing it
I'm from the rebellious
younger generation
I didn't ask to be
born into this world
But here I am
Nobody loves me
'cause I got pimples
I hate the Empire State building
'Cause it's so tall
I hate Paris, France
and Charles de Gaulle
I hate organized labor,
I hate organized religion
Amen
I hate anything that's organized
I hate injustice
I hate the United States Senate
Ann-Margret and
Rutherford B. Hayes
I hate without regard to
race, creed, color or religion
Amen
This is my song and
I'm going to sing it
I hate Smokey the
Bear, he's a pyromaniac
I don't want my boyfriend
to be seen anywhere
In this world, including
Waukegan, Illinois
I don't want him here
Nobody loves me
'cause I got pimples
Why wasn't Joan Baez
named Miss America
Joan Baez, Baez,
Baez, Baez, Baez Amen
They hate us 'cause we
know how to do the skate
And the boogaloo
I like sit ins and sleep ins
I hate walk outs and wait ins
How come they can put
an astronaut out in space
But they can't invent
something to clear up pimples
Sing a protest song
Sing a protest song
Nothing could be finer
than to be in Carolina
Sing a protest song
Sing a protest song
California here I come
With my protest song
With my pimples
(audience applauding)
- Well that's our new
talent for tonight folks,
I hope you'll tune in next week
when the fickle
finger of fate points
at more stars of tomorrow.
- Do you want to try that again?
- I said when the fickle
finger of fate points
at more stars of tomorrow.
Why, how would you say it?
- I wouldn't.
- Maybe you'd prefer
the fickle finger of fate,
fame and fortune
flies afar for frequent
flicks, flamboyant
flaps and fickle fingers.
- Now, cut that out.
(audience applauding)
- We'll return to Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In
right after this important word.
- Lollipop.
(audience laughing)
- I'll drink to that.
(speaking in a foreign language)
(laughing)
- So remember folks,
you're in good hands
with (crashing)
- Moving right along.
(audience applauding)
- Billy, we've got to
stop meeting like this,
Harold's getting suspicious.
(audience laughing)
(whimsical music)
(audience laughing)
- Hey, there's been
quite a bit of unrest
up in Berkeley, so
we sent Dick Martin
up there to see what's
wrong with the student body.
Take it away, Dick.
- Well this is Dick Martin,
and ah, I'm talking
to the student body
and from what I can
see there's nothing
wrong with her.
(audience laughing)
Born free
My uncle was a doctor.
(audience laughing)
(whimsical music)
- Did you hear about
the two little fleas
at the bottom of the hill?
- No, tell me, please do.
- One little flea said
to the other little flea,
well, what do you want to do?
Walk or take a dog?
- Did you hear about
the guy who crossed
an electric eel
with a jellyfish?
- No, what did he get?
- Current jelly.
- You hear about the
farmer who crossed
a potato with a sponge?
- No, what did he get?
- I don't know, but it sure
soaks up a lot of gravy.
- Did you hear about
the chap who crossed
a cow with a giraffe?
- No, what did he get?
- I don't know what you call it,
but you can milk it standing up.
(audience laughing)
(speaking in a foreign language)
- No I didn't.
(speaking in a foreign language)
- He'll make a pass
at anything in a skirt.
- Yeah, last night the
Scotsman nearly killed him.
(audience laughing)
- Hey Dan.
- Hmm.
- What has four
paws covered with fur
and goes meow?
- A cat.
- Oh, you heard it.
(audience laughing)
- The second half of
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In
is brought to you by.
(playful music)
- What has four
legs, is soft and furry
and goes ruff ruff?
- A dog.
- Well if you've heard
them all, forget it.
(audience laughing)
- And now folks, it's
sock it to me time.
(crashing)
(laughing)
- What's so funny?
(speaking in a foreign language)
(booming)
- Sock it to me, sock
it to me, sock it to me.
- They are definitely strange.
- Was that Peter Lawford?
No.
- When I'm not wearing my hat,
I write with it.
(animals howling)
- Dr. Livingstone.
- Stanley, we can't
go on meeting like this.
(audience laughing)
(gunshot booming)
(audience laughing)
(bell ringing)
- [Man] You weigh 154 pounds.
And your dream is to
be an interior decorator.
(audience laughing)
(gentle music)
You do something to me
Please.
(audience laughing)
(whimsical music)
Gloomp.
(audience laughing)
- Tonight, Mod, Mod World
takes a look at glamour.
(upbeat music)
Tonight we take a look
at the mod mod world
of fashion and glamour.
- We do?
- Yep, this is the figure
in the world of fashion,
you've probably gathered
by now that this year
the bosoms are out.
- I'll drink to that.
(audience laughing)
- No, no, that, that
doesn't mean they're out.
- You got something
going I don't know about?
- It simply means that
they are not being featured
this year.
You see, this is a trend
that started with Twiggy.
- I know her, the
runt of the litter.
(audience laughing)
- She happens to be a
very nice young English girl
who's figure caught on.
- To what?
(audience laughing)
- It didn't catch
on to anything,
it became very
popular in Europe.
- What, they run out
of ironing boards?
- Apparently you
don't like Twiggy.
- Well, she's just not my bag.
- And there's another new trend,
miniskirts are being
replaced by maxi slacks.
- Hey I know him.
- Who?
- Well, Maxi Slacks, I
remember when he fought Firpo.
- No, no.
And of course men
are now wearing beads.
- What, Firpo wore beads?
- No, no, no, no.
Men are wearing peace beads.
It's a symbol that
they're in favor of peace.
- Not in my old
neighborhood they didn't.
Earrings maybe, never beads.
- Alright, hold it.
Now then fashion changed
a great deal over the years.
Now for instance,
in your mother's day,
a woman didn't dare
even show her ankle.
- Well I should
certainly hope not.
- She wouldn't even
wear a short sleeved dress
because everything
was covered up.
- Nah, that's not my bag.
- From head to toe, all
you could see was her face.
- Mm, that's terrible.
- What's so terrible about that?
- Well, it's like going
out with a mystery guest.
- Well now, actually I
suppose one might say
that fashion began in
the Garden of Eden, right?
- I suppose one might say that.
- And the first clothing
were fig leaves.
Now Adam wore one,
and Eve wore three.
- Must have been a
gas on a windy day.
(laughing)
- Games today in fashion
are Bonnie and Clyde.
- She wears three
leaves, he wears one.
- Now come on, this
is a serious subject.
The Bonnie and Clyde
look is really the look
of the '30s.
What it's called is
being suggestive,
without being revealing.
- That's what my
mother used to say.
- Your mother used to say what?
- A place for everything,
and everything in its place.
(audience laughing)
- Oh I suppose that's
another way to it.
You know the next trend?
- What, three leaves
for him, and none for her.
- No, no, no, no.
The next trend's
cellophane dresses.
- Ah ha ha, now
that's my baggie.
(laughing)
- Sort of a play on
words there, yes.
You, you know,
you'd go out with a girl
in a cellophane dress?
- Not on your life.
- Well I'm glad to hear that.
- We'd stay in.
- Come on.
What would you see
in a cellophane dress?
- You want me to answer that
or would you rather
finish the show?
- [Dan] No, no.
- Well we could if we were on
The Smothers Brothers show.
- Now just a,
just suppose that cellophane
dresses are all the rage.
You go see your girlfriend,
she opens the door, she's
stand there in a cellophane dress.
- Right.
- Now where you gonna take her?
- To the nearest bright light.
- Oh, come on, seriously.
(screaming)
Alright, out for the evening,
where can you take her?
- I can take her to
see my mother's ankle.
(audience laughing)
- With that in mind,
Mod, Mod World
takes a look at fashion glamour.
(funky music)
- You know, no woman
in the history of the world
has had the opportunity
to be glamorous
under more favorable
circumstances
than the American housewife.
- Through the miracle
of inexpensive cosmetics,
lotions and hairdryers, she
faces her every waking moment
secure in the knowledge
she truly walks in beauty.
- And never more
so than when the wife
ends up the day and
walks into the arms
of her beloved husband.
(audience laughing)
- You coming darling?
- I'll be right there dear.
(funky music)
(audience laughing)
We've got to stop
meeting like this,
I think Harold's
getting suspicious.
- But I am Harold, darling.
(audience laughing)
(funky music)
- Here's a treat for those of
you fashion minded viewers.
One of the leading
couturiers, Mr. Mike Michael.
Will you give us just a hint
of next year's styles, Mike?
- In '69, I see lots
of decolletage,
lower, lower, lower.
And hem lines are gonna be
higher and higher and higher,
and ooze of lace trim with,
with flowers and lots of flowers
and oodles of
flowers and flounces.
And beads, lots of
beads, beads, beads.
- Oh what a treat it's
gonna be for the ladies.
- Ladies?
No, my fashion is for men.
(audience laughing)
(funky music)
- Well it's very nice
of you to take time out
to let us interview
you, Dr. Scoff.
- Well, with me it's
work, work, work.
As a psychologist, I
run about 30 cuckoos
through this office every day.
(audience laughing)
- Yes, does the American
pursuit of glamour
affect many of your patients?
- All of them, that's all
they ever think about.
- If I were to come to you
with the same problem,
how would you treat me?
- Well, first I'd cancel
your Playboy subscription.
You know all you men think that
Hugh Hefner has what
he wants and he's happy,
and that's why you
read that magazine.
Thinking that if you
read that magazine
you'll get what you want.
But the trouble is, Mr. Hefner,
not only has what he wants,
he's got what you want
and he ain't sharing it,
so forget it.
- Well, what's the answer?
- Know thyself.
Like me, dates and
parties, that's not for me.
For me it's cuckoos, 30 a
day, 210 cuckoos a week,
rain or shine.
None of that phony jazz for me.
I know myself.
I'm Dr. Jane Scoff,
plain Jane Scoff.
The old maid doctor
who listens to the cuckoos.
(audience laughing)
I'm no glamour
girl, I know this,
and it just doesn't
seem to bother me.
(sobbing)
- Doctor, doctor,
what is it doctor?
Doctor?
- What's wrong with me anyhow?
Look at these teeth.
$8,000, wholesale.
Look at this suit, look at it.
It's a Rudi Gernreich.
And he didn't want
to sell it, he didn't.
He designed it for himself.
(audience laughing)
I spent every cent I
make to look like this.
Don't you want to kiss me?
Don't you want to hug me?
Don't you want to
take me for granted?
Please?
- But I'm a married man.
- That's what they all say.
Imagine 30 cuckoos a day,
210 cuckoos a week,
that's 10,000 cuckoos a year.
I can't stand it.
- Wait.
- I can't stand it.
(glass crashing)
(audience laughing)
- Maybe I should
have kissed her.
She wasn't so bad.
Maybe if her nose
was a little shorter,
her legs a little
longer, if she had...
- Yes, yes, nose a
little shorter, legs longer,
I'll get them fixed.
Anything, anything.
I'll beg, borrow, steal.
Give me a chance.
(audience laughing)
(funky music)
(audience laughing)
I'm glamorous I'm glamorous
I looked at myself
and I'm glamorous
A guy at the laundromat
gave me a thrill
And now I'm a regular
Princess Lee Ratherwell
- Do you see it?
- I do.
- Where, where?
- Well, ah...
- No, no, the feet.
Oh I'm divine I'm really chic
I may do a layout
for Vogue next week
Or was it Good Housekeeping?
- Ramparts.
- That was it.
If I'm in a Rose or
a Volkswagon bus
I am glamorous
(playful music)
I am beautiful, I am beautiful
Believe it or not,
I am beautiful
This guy on the bus
wants to see me again
Tell, tell, tell.
I guess I remind
him of Sophia Loren
- Huh?
- Why haven't I seen it?
- Yeah, you see it?
- Here up,
it's a carbon copy.
- I knew it.
I'm on the town
from dusk 'til dawn
I'll model for Pucci
and sell Lauren
They'll drape me with
satin and sequins and tulle
'Cause I'm - Lucy,
have I ever lied to you?
- No, what?
- Sequins, cheapy,
cheapy, cheapy, cheapy.
- Oh, oh, off with the sequins.
- Oh yes.
- Yes, what shall I use?
- Now I think you
should stick to satin, tulle,
once in a while file... - Tulle.
'Cause I'm beautiful
- Oh, can't you see
them back there?
The lessons were a total loss.
We're glamorous,
beautiful femme fatales
We used to be nine
to five working girls
Got hit with some arrows
And aimed them at
us And we're charming
Witty, sexy, pretty
Rhombus and urban,
feathers and fuss
'Cause we're really Glamorous
(audience applauding)
- And now it's time for
the Laugh-In classified ads.
Network television's
only opportunity
for the little man or woman
to have an opportunity
to broadcast his or her
message all over America.
(audience laughing)
- Hmm, good night!
The heart rending plea
of an unhappy woman.
- Personal.
Harry come home.
It's all over between
Fred and me.
Please Harry, come home,
it's all over, I tell
you, come home,
Harry, but call first.
(audience laughing)
- Wanted, a topless
waitress and fry cook.
Incidentally, these
jobs are separate.
(audience laughing)
- And that's our
classified ads for tonight.
(cartoon-like whistling)
- Got to be quick.
(audience laughing)
- What are you doing?
- Doctor's orders.
- What do you mean,
doctor's orders?
- Well, he told me
take my medicine
for one week running
and then skip a week.
You guys are funnier
than Laurel and Hardy.
(laughing)
- You don't have to
be happy to be gay.
(audience laughing)
- Ah, ladies and
gentlemen, once again,
a Laugh-In extra.
- An extra what?
- That's right.
Ladies and gentlemen,
our own Piotr Rosmenko.
(audience applauding)
- It's good to see you.
- Yes, it's nice
to see you again.
You going to sing
us a folk song.
- Well it's extra what
you said it's to be.
I have a special
surprised to you.
I have for too many years
worked with a grouped
in other place and helped
for them to escaping.
- Oh, it's somebody
you helped escape?
- I helped for them to
escaping and to bringing
for you right away.
- Wonderful.
- So I decide I
would do this for you.
- Thank you.
- You like me for it.
Any, the ladies.
(audience laughing)
Ladies and gentlemen,
it's a great privilege
for me to introduced
Holyecki Sisters.
(playful music)
- [Girls] Hey!
(dramatic music)
(humming)
(singing in a foreign language)
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
- Well, shall we, shall
we join the ladies?
- Yes, let's join the ladies.
I say, let's join all
the ladies together
and make one enormous lady.
- Oh, splendid idea.
- I think I'll have a
very cold dry martini
on the rocks to start,
and then you can begin
with a coquilles St.-Jacques
I'll have the coq au
vin with petit pois,
ah hearts of palm,
vinaigrette dressing,
cherries Jubilee, and a
Napoleon brandy and coffee.
- One number three, Herman.
(audience laughing)
(whimsical music)
(audience laughing)
- We take you now to
the lovely Starlight Room,
high above the friendly car
wash in downtown Burbank.
(audience laughing)
(coughing)
- Good evening.
- Yes.
I'd like a small
table for two please.
- There you go.
(audience laughing)
- Later that same day.
(thudding)
(cartoon-like boing)
- Excuse me sir, will that
be for cocktails or dinner?
(audience laughing)
- Meanwhile, back
at the restaurant.
(whistling)
- Good evening sir.
Would you prefer a booth?
- That is the worst
joke I've ever heard.
- Will the gentleman
who was making
the obscene telephone
calls to Miss Gladys Ormphby
at KL5 1377 please, please stop.
My number has been
changed to KL5 4288.
I'm gonna love you
like nobody's loved you
Come rain or come shine
(whimsical music)
- I've cornered the
market on Walnettos.
(audience laughing)
- And now folks, it's
sock it to me time.
(audience laughing)
(speaking in a foreign language)
- Sock it to me, sock
it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me.
- I'm not at all surprised.
- Oh man, I wish I had a beard.
- Hey man, use mine.
- Oh, groovy.
- Patty cake, patty
cake, bakers man,
bake me a friend.
(audience laughing)
Romance on the high seas
Romance on the high seas
(audience laughing)
(splashing)
(playful music)
- Tonight the Rowan
and Martin Laugh-In
is going to sluice
someone who's perhaps
the most maligned
person in history,
the mother in law.
(upbeat music)
Let us state, if we might,
just a word or two tonight
About our darling mother in law
Her constant
resentment is endearing
So who minds
a little interfering
As the years go along, who
will tell you when you're wrong
Without your
darling mother in law
The troubles she'll give to you
Invite her to live with you
She'll point out your every flaw
You're a king at
work, at home a jerk
To your darling mother in law
- The mother in law.
A woman who has always
had to bear the abuse
of others.
A woman, who through
all her life has heard
cruel remarks.
Just listen to some
of the terrible jokes
that have been made
about this grand old lady.
- My mother in law's
very broad minded.
She approaches every
subject with an open mouth.
- My mother in law is so
ugly that a peeping tom
reached in her window and
pulled down her window shade.
- My mother in law
is a kind of woman
who could have been
a good top sergeant
if she weren't so mean.
(audience laughing)
- A mother in law
who is a woman who,
if you had to do
it all over again,
you'd do it all over again.
- All a mother in law
really wants is someone
to look out for her.
So next time you see
her coming, look out!
- If all the mothers
in law in the world
were laid out end to
end there's not a jury
that would convict you.
(audience laughing)
- Keep your mother in
law around the house,
remember, most
accidents happen at home.
- I didn't talk to my
mother in law once
for six months,
I didn't want to interrupt her.
(audience laughing)
- Mean, rotten, cruel,
and those are some
of her nice qualities.
(audience laughing)
- Things have been said like,
take my mother in law, please.
- Your mothers in law
deserve a right to be heard,
so tonight, here is the
Laugh-In mother in law
of the year.
- Hold it, hold it, hold it.
I'm a mother in
law and proud of it.
And as a mother in law,
I've taught my daughter's kids
to love and respect
what's-his-name.
Just this morning we were
having a friendly little chat.
Of course I did tell
him about my baby's
last boyfriend,
the millionaire, the one
she could have married.
(audience laughing)
I told him the truth.
I told him that he
was tall, handsome,
rich and yet there was
something about him
I liked.
When that kid of
mine makes a mistake,
she makes a lulu!
(audience laughing)
To think that she could
have married mister gorgeous,
rich, and she picked mister bum.
Mister bum.
A bum who's turning my baby girl
into an old lady
before she's 30.
Alright, she's 39.
Kill me, shoot me, shoot me.
(audience laughing)
I don't care kids.
I don't care what humiliation
that man heaps on me,
what insults he throws at me.
I will stick in that house,
at least until the
divorce comes through.
(audience laughing)
Who will sweep out your house
When you're napping
with your spouse
While it's your
darling mother in law
She's quite indestructible
But never deductible
Equipped with a fang and a claw
For seven bits, who babysits
That's our darling mother in
Darling mother in
Darling mother in law
(audience applauding)
- On the eve of the
presidential election,
Mrs. Thomas E. Dewey, wife
of the republican candidate,
has announced her
plans for redecorating
the White House.
(whimsical music)
(audience laughing)
(siren ringing)
- Did you see him,
did you see him?
A crazy man just
escaped from the asylum,
did you see him?
- No, no, no.
What did he look like?
- Well, he's six foot three,
he weighs 14 pounds.
- Six foot three, 14
pounds, that's impossible.
- I told you he was crazy.
(audience laughing)
- Lucky, what happened?
(audience laughing)
(sad trombone)
- Well, it's time to
say good night Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Is there any chance
of bringing back
The Man from U.N.C.L.E.?
- And don't forget
to tune in next week,
we have a show next week
that I'm...
- Yeah I wondered
if you'd mind something,
if I told you something
my aunt said to me
about a year ago.
- Sounds enchanting
but we don't have time.
Next week, our guests...
- She was in the
lifeboat of a ocean liner
with an able seaman.
- Yes.
Well we do have a wonderful
line up for you next week.
- I thought perhaps
what she said
when she came out
of the lifeboat would be
of interest to the
folks at home.
- Um, maybe you'd
better, you tell me first,
we're getting a
few letters as it is.
What, what is it?
- Alright.
- You can't say that.
- I could if we were on The
Smothers Brothers show.
- Say good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night everybody,
hope you had a good time.
(audience applauding)
(funky music)
- I had a little nut tree,
nothing would it bear,
I talked to it nicely,
but it didn't care.
The farmers in the
district think that I'm insane
for standing 'neath my nut tree
naked in the rain.
(audience laughing)
- Cuckoo, cuckoo.
- Knock knock.
- Who's there?
- Linden.
- Linden who?
London Bridge is falling down
- How long have you
been in show business?
- Oh about six foot three.
(audience laughing)
- Pittsburgh is missing.
Somewhere in Pennsylvania.
(audience laughing)
- Where were you born?
- New Jersey.
- What part?
- All of me.
(audience laughing)
- The doctor gave me an
anesthetic I couldn't afford,
oh nuts.
(audience laughing)
- She's so dumb, she thinks
Yale is a Swedish prison.
(speaking in a foreign language)
- What has nine yellow
noses and catches flies?
- Japanese baseball team.
- Would you still love me
if I had a split personality?
I mean, would you love us both?
(audience laughing)
- Knock knock.
- Shut up.
- Shut up who?
- Just shut up or I
give you a knock knock
(speaking in a foreign language)
- Jack be nimble, Jack be quick,
oh please stand still,
you're making me sick.
- A red sky in the morning
is the sailor's warning.
A red sky at night looks
the same as a red sky
in the morning.
(audience laughing)
- Hey, hey, if you cross
a rooster with a rooster
what do you get?
- A very cross rooster.
- There was a young
man with a duck?
- Who patiently
taught it to cluck.
- When he squeezed
the duck's head.
- The duck often said.
(speaking in a foreign language)
(knocking)
- I gave it the office.
(audience laughing)
(playful music)
(water rushing)
(doorbell ringing)
- Avon calling.
- Preceding was recorded earlier
so Arte Johnson could
visit his brother in Pacoima.
- Very interesting.
But I still love Lucy.