Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 1, Episode 1 - Premiere - Barbara Feldon, Flip Wilson, Leo G. Carroll, Lorne Greene, Buddy Hackett, Sheldon Leonard, Tiny Tim, The Strawberry Alarm Clock - full transcript
- [Announcer] The following
program is brought to you
in living color on NBC.
- What you are
about to see is true,
only the names and faces
have been left unchanged
to protect the innocent.
- That is the most
beautiful thing I ever heard.
- From their beautiful
studios in downtown Burbank,
NBC presents Rowan
and Martin's Laugh In.
(audience applauds)
Starring Dan Rowan
and Dick Martin
with guest stars Pamela Austin,
Barbara Feldon,
Flip Wilson and the
Strawberry Alarm Clock,
with Ruth Buzzi, Judy Carne,
Henry Gibson, Larry Hovis,
Arte Johnson, Jo Anne
Whorley, Ben Wrigley,
and introducing Morgul
as the Friendly Drelb.
And yours truly Gary Owens.
Tonight's program is brought
to you by our good friends,
(groovy music)
And now ladies and gentlemen,
for your further
listening pleasure,
here are the songs of Dan
Rowan and the lovely Dick Martin.
(audience applauds and laughs)
- Good evening.
Good evening,
we are very happy that you
have tuned in this first show
of our new series.
Right?
- Yes,
and I'd like to add a
further note if I may.
In that each time that
we have said these things,
we have hoped that the noon is
that has worn off
has come through
feeling that the long
arm has gone through
and brought back one that
we could slip under the door.
(audience laughs)
- Yeah,
well I couldn't have
said it better myself.
Hey how bout that,
your name's in big lights
up there on that marquee.
- So's mine.
- Yeah.
That's pretty good huh,
Rowan and Martin's Laugh In.
- Starring Bonnie and Clyde.
- That's next door.
- Ooh.
- Yeah.
Yep NBC took the one hour
special we did last September,
now we're gonna do 13 in a row.
- We can't do 13 hours.
- Why not?
- We'll be here all night.
- No not every
night every night.
We do them every Monday night,
once a week you know.
- Ho ho ho oh.
- Sure.
You are happy
about it aren't ya?
- I certainly can.
- Yeah well why,
I think you should
say something.
- All right I,
if I may I'd like to say that
I'm very pleased
and gratified to know
that I will be on the
air every Monday night.
- Well I think you
should say that.
- Thank you.
We'll be very pleased
- No I don't mean
- And gratified to
know - you should
say it again.
I think that once was just fine.
But you know, when you realize,
when you think just
for a second you know,
there's gonna,
every Monday night
millions of people,
millions right now watching you.
What do you say to that?
- If each and every one of you
could send in one dollar.
- No no no.
(audience applauds and laughs)
You can't say
that, it's illegal.
- How bout a dime.
- No no no.
You can't, you can't say that.
- You can't shoot
a guy for trying.
- You cannot get anywhere
by being dishonest.
- Oh how bout Bonnie and Clyde,
their name's twice
as big as ours.
- No no no.
You're off on a tangent.
- I had one of those,
but it sprung a leak.
- No no,
I mean you're going
in a different direction.
This show is going
to be a different show.
It's not a regular variety show.
You realize that you
now have a chance,
one hour a week,
you can do anything,
you can say anything
you want to say.
- You're kidding.
- Anything that
you wanna say.
- You'll get a kick
out of this one then.
There was a...
Anything the censors
and NBC and the sponsors
will allow you to say.
- That does cut down
the odds doesn't it.
(audience laughs)
- It narrows it a little bit.
But there are a lot of subjects
you can talk about like history.
You like history?
- Yeah.
- You wanna talk about history?
- Alright.
- You know what
happened in 1492?
- No,
but there was a great
party in 1537 upstairs.
- Oh, well why don't
we go to that one.
- You wanna go?
- Come along with us.
(audience applauds)
(groovy music)
- Georgie's so square,
he thinks that
planned parenthood
means living with his mother.
(audience laughs)
- You know I could have
had the lead in I Spy,
but they gave it to Robert Culp.
(audience laughs)
- It's not that Ronald
Reagan dislikes education,
it's just that he's
not fanatic about it.
(audience laughs)
- You know I always say
before two people
can love each other,
you really have
to like each other.
(audience laughs)
- Boris says real
rejection is trying to sell
Support Your Local Police
bumper stickers at Berkeley.
Isn't he silly?
(audience laughs)
- As the Ram
Chungulahoran once said,
"When the lamb lieth
down with the lion,
it is then and then only,
the pigeon will sit on
the arm of the idol."
(audience laughs)
- When I asked Harry
whether he'd rather
watch Mission
Impossible or kiss me,
he said "What's the difference?"
(audience laughs)
- I say we ought to get
bingo out of the supermarkets
and back into the
churches where it belongs.
(audience laughs)
- 90 percent of the Cadillac
owners in America say,
those white people sure
make some sharp cars.
(audience laughs)
- I have nothing against
the sexual revolution,
as long as they don't start
storming my barricades.
(audience laughs)
- It is said,
if the maiden
saveth not the oil,
it is then the Maharajah
trims the wick.
- I wish I had said that.
(audience laughs)
- And there'd be no
trouble in the Middle East,
if only the Israelis
and the Arabs
would start behaving
like good Christians.
(audience laughs)
- Well what do you
think of Red China?
- On a blue tablecloth,
I think it looks lovely.
(audience laughs)
- You're no relation to the
Seattle Martins are you?
- No no,
my mother married
my stepfather's brother
by a previous marriage.
You might call me
the man from uncle.
(audience applauds)
- Kuryakin, get over here fast.
I think I've found THRUSH
headquarters at last.
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
(cheery music)
- Step to the front please.
(audience laughs)
(slapping)
- Sock it to him,
sock it to him,
sock it to him.
- Sock it to him,
sock it to him,
sock it to him?
(audience laughs)
(lively music)
(mumbling singing)
(wood smashing)
(audience laughs)
- This fall when we
did our first Laugh In
as an NBC special,
we introduced some
exciting new talent,
all of whom have
gone a long way.
Three of them have
joined the Peace Corps
and two of them are
being held captive
by Polish freedom fighters.
- The last one became
the Kumquat Queen
of the Annual Fire
Island Fruit Festival.
(audience laughs)
- So tonight, Laugh
In proudly presents,
(music trumpeting)
our new band.
No, we're,
we proudly present our
new talent department.
- And to get things started.
- No hold it, I got
a surprise for you.
- Oh you're kidding.
You got a goody for me
so early in the evening?
- I have, wait til
you see this pal.
The toast of Greenwich Village
in his first
appearance anywhere,
Tiny Tim.
(audience applauds)
A tisket A tasket A
green and yellow basket
I sent a letter to my mother
On the way I
dropped I dropped it
I dropped it On
the way I dropped it
I sent a letter to my mother
On the way I dropped
it (audience laughs)
On the good ship lollipop
It's a sweet trip
to a candy shop
Where bon-bons play
On the sunny beach
of Peppermint Bay
Lemonade stands everywhere
Crackerjack bands fill the air
And there you are
Happy landing on a chocolate bar
See the sugar bowl
do the tootsie roll
With the big bad
devil's food cake
If you each too much Ooh ooh
You'll awake with a tummy ache
On the good ship lollipop
It's a night trip
into bed you hop
And dream away wee
On the good ship lollipop
A tisket, a tasket
A green and yellow basket
I sent a letter to my mother
On the way I dropped it
(audience applauds)
- If you ask me I think the guy
is nuttier than a fruit cake.
- Huh, like that?
A real surprise for you.
- You searched high and
low for that one didn't you?
(audience laughs)
- Kept him out of the service.
(audience laughs)
- I'll bet the army
burned his draft card.
(audience laughs)
- Interesting (laughs)
- Hey I got one.
- What, you've been
holding out on me.
- I never held out on anyone.
- Oh.
(audience laughs)
- Here is Ireland's
favorite son,
with some musical
memories of the good old days.
(audience applauds)
There'll be no
heebie-jeebies hanging around
I wanna holler so
the world will know
Here I go I'm
Alabamy I'm Alabamy
I'm Alabamy bound
(audience applauds)
Say you guys, how
do I get this off?
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
- Thank you for
that, and now Dick
here's one of the greatest
sopranos of all time.
- You're not gonna bring
back Tiny Tim are you?
- Not right away.
Tonight we're gonna
witness a television first,
direct from the Metropolitan
Opera in New York,
two great opera stars will
make their non-classical debut.
And here they are,
La bella prima donna Ruth Buzzi
and tenor ray profound
Don Vincenzo Laforza.
(audience applauds)
(triumphant music)
(moves into groovy music)
They say that you'll be mine
For love the time Oh baby
Don't klutz around Yes I believe
Your love all time
I promise not to klutz around
But if your love will never grow
You've got to promise
we'll be through
I'm not gonna sit
around and wait
I'll go out and get another date
I swear by stars above
I'm gonna give you
all my love Oh baby
I won't klutz around
(audience laughs)
You know I think you're hot
You can have
all the kisses I got
I wouldn't make you wait
You'll never never
never have another date
Believe me I'm for you
As long as skies are blue
Oh baby I won't klutz around.
Klutz
Klutz
Klutz
(laughs)
Klutz
Klutz
Klutz
Klutz
Klutz
Around
(audience applauds)
- Well, that's it folks.
- Remember New Jersey,
the number is Bigelow two.
- Two that's not
much of a number.
- It wasn't much of
a talent show either.
(audience laughs)
- Be that as it may,
tune in next week folks
when the fickle finger of fate
may beckon you to stardom.
You have anything
to add to that Dick?
- How can anybody
add anything to that?
- All the world's a stage
and all the men and
women merely players.
- What'd you say?
- I said tune in next week
when the fickle finger of fate-
- Now cut that out!
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
- Moving along musically,
here is the lovely
Dick Martin with trees.
(trumpet sting)
(audience laughs)
- The Feather, by Henry Gibson.
The feather is a
wonderful thing,
without it the
bird could not fly.
In addition, it warms
the old warblers
and protects them
when they are hiding.
The police like the feather too
because it helps
them control the traffic.
Well take for
example the streets,
which would be a mess
if birds started walking.
But most of all, it
is cheerful and gay.
If it were not for the feather,
we would be without fluff.
(audience laughs)
When you're down and out
Lift up your head and shout
I'm down and out Oh I'm begging
(audience laughs)
(cheery music)
(audience laughs)
- Sock it to me.
- And now folks,
it's sock it to em time.
(audience laughs)
- Sock it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock it to me.
- Sock it to me?
(lively music)
(audience laughs)
- Hold it, hold it, hold it.
Good news, I
couldn't get you life,
but I got you
alternating current.
(audience laughs)
(audience laughs)
(jaunty music sting)
- Time now to stop
all of the madness
with these kooky,
nutty, strange people.
To bring you the
Rowan and Martin report,
an analysis of the news,
past, present and future.
(lively music)
What's the news
across the nation
We have got the information
In a way we hope will amuse you
We just love to
give you our views
La Da Dee Da Ladies and Gents
Laugh In looks at
the news Here's Dan
(audience applauds)
- And now here's the
man to whom the news
wouldn't be the news
without the news,
here's Dickie.
(audience applauds)
- May the bird of
paradise nest in your nunu.
Hi there gang,
this is your Uncle Dickie
with tidbits from Tinseltown.
You know,
rumor has it that Rock
Hudson is the same person.
(audience laughs)
Meanwhile,
following the Queen
Mary controversy,
a British firm has
offered to buy Long Beach
and turn it into a ship.
(audience laughs)
Incidentally San
Francisco has made an offer
for the Queen Elizabeth.
If the bid is successful,
that'll give California the two
biggest queens in the world.
(audience laughs)
Naturally a spokesman for
Ronald Reagan denies this.
(audience laughs)
Okay.
And now back to Dan Rowan
as Laugh In looks at the
headlines 20 years from today.
- 1984,
here's an item from Howard
Hughes home in Las Vegas,
Utah, Arizona and California.
Sources close to
Mr Hughes revealed
that he has purchased
the Painted Desert.
He is planning to have it framed
and it will probably
hang in the Grand Canyon
which he bought last week.
Washington DC 1984.
President Robert
Kennedy announced
from the White House today,
that he doubts that
there is a serious romance
between his daughter
and actor George Hamilton.
Saigon, 1984.
Settlement is due any
day in the Vietnam crisis,
meanwhile US jets continue
to strafe Vietcong positions
just outside Paris.
Now to our lady correspondent,
Theona Thing.
- Here we are in Africa
for the historic meeting
between African
leaders Mowee Shombay,
Casa Booboo, Joe
Mokinyata and Necrooma.
- Man, that's a funny name.
Lyndon Baines Johnson.
(audience laughs)
- And now here's the latest
dirt from the movie capital.
(audience laughs)
- And now we take you
to our man in Antarctica.
Roger McGraw, take it away Rog.
- And now back to
Rowan and Martin.
Take it away Dickie.
- Wait, wait, wait a minute.
How about a report
from Antarctica Rog.
Take it away Rog.
- Oh okay,
let's see well,
yesterday I shaved,
this morning it snowed,
last night I ate penguin,
this morning I got up.
Bulletin,
I think I've got
an abscess tooth.
I'm so cold.
(audience laughs)
And that's it from Antarctica.
Now back to the
Rowan and Martin news.
(audience laughs)
- Recently the
200 millionth citizen
was born in this country
and here I am just
outside the Garden of Eden,
to interview the very first man.
Good evening Adam.
- How you doing baby?
(audience laughs)
- I can call you Adam can't I?
- I don't look like Eve do I?
- Well that's.
(mallet bangs)
How long,
how long have you
been living here Adam?
- Well since the day
after we ate that apple.
Bout eight years now.
- You like it here?
- Yeah well it's quiet,
lots of room for the kids,
we're putting
everything into land.
Now's the time to buy.
(audience laughs)
How'd you like to buy Manhattan
for two dollars and 50 cents?
It's gonna be higher
when the Indians get it.
(audience laughs)
- I think you may
be right there.
You must have been
working here hard,
hard all your life?
- Yeah, gotta keep
my nose to the wheel.
(audience laughs)
Well there's a guy on the
other side of the garden,
he really works hard (whistles).
- Yeah.
- Boy he works from
the time that big red thing
goes up in the morning,
till it falls down
into the ocean.
- The sun.
- The son, the mother,
the father, the whole (mumbles)
(audience laughs)
(mallet bangs)
- Listen Adam before I leave,
do you have anything to
say to the man of the future?
A word of advice I
can take back to them?
- Well,
I guess I'd have to say,
it wasn't the apple in the tree,
it was the tomato on the ground.
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
Well, there's one
that won't roll away.
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
- And that's all the news,
that's all from the news,
past, present and future.
Be sure to watch next
week when I... Wee.
- When I've got a
real surprise for you-
- Hey,
you're not gonna bring
back Tiny Tim are you?
- No tune in next week when
Laugh In looks at the news.
- That's right folks,
and we'll be here
with the new news.
(jaunty music sting)
- We'll be right back
after this important word.
- Elbow.
(lively music)
- Congratulations Mrs Jones,
you're a mother.
And don't worry,
husband and baby
are doing just fine.
- Ooh.
(screams)
(cheery music)
(audience laughs)
- Hi gang.
- It's now time for
station identification.
- Yep.
- This is K-I-N-G in Seattle.
- This here is
K-O-G-O is San Diego.
(model cracking)
- [Dan] Now that's
a station break.
- Off with his head.
- Hey, charming,
that's charming.
- We'll be right back with
more exciting commercials
following this brief
frightment of entertainment.
The second half of the
Rowan and Martin Laugh In
is brought to you by.
(groovy music)
- [Chorus] Sock it
to me, sock it to me,
- And now folks it's
sock it to him time.
(mallet bangs)
- Sock it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me?
(lively music)
(audience laughs)
- Hold it, hold it.
Good news, I just
heard from the Governor,
he is definitely going
to run for President.
(audience laughs)
(balls banging)
(audience laughs)
(drum roll)
- Is Rex Harrison his real name?
- Is Rex Harrison
whose real name?
(audience laughs)
- Seriously folks,
it's time to climb on,
cash in and cop out
as Laugh In presents,
the Strawberry Alarm Clock.
(audience applauds)
(groovy music)
Tomorrow
Things won't be
the same Tomorrow
Life would be a different game
But right now I am with you and
Together we can make it through
Ba-Ba-Ba Ba-ba-ba-ba Forever
Our love might last Forever
Will it come too fast
But right now I am with you and
Together we can make it through
Ba-ba-ba Ba-ba-ba-ba
We live in a world Of
carnivals and clowns
And buildings to the sky
That make us want to fly
We live in a world Of
carnivals and clowns
And buildings to the sky
That make us want to fly
But right now I am with you and
Together we can make it through
But right now I am with you and
Together we can make it through
Wow wow wow wow
(audience applauds)
- Alright, hold it right there.
- What?
- I've seen some pretty
disgraceful things in my time
but that's the topper.
- Well it was a-
- Wait a minute.
Do you know what that is?
- I have... That's vandalism.
- Well we-
- A wanton destruction
of private property.
- They really hit... Well it's
a total disregard
of law and order.
- Oh I know.
- Don't you realize we
have a responsibility
to the young people
in our audience.
- We left the tire-
- We have to show
them by our example
to develop into mature adults
with a mature adult attitude.
- Well how do you
know that they're-
- What's that ridiculous
thing you're holding in your,
give it.
(audience laughs)
Don't ever do it again.
- Georgie's so square,
he thinks that a little pot
is Tupperware for midgets.
(audience laughs)
- The cost of advertising
on national television
prohibits anyone
but big corporations
from displaying their wares
or expressing their views.
- So Laugh In has created its
own classified ads department
to give the little man
an equal opportunity.
- Good idea.
- Here are the Laugh
In classified ads.
- What am I bid for
this fine fine specimen?
Do I hear 10 dollars,
do I hear five dollars?
How bout a mint julep?
(audience applauds and laughs)
- And that's it for our
classified ads tonight.
(audience applauds)
(groovy music)
- [Woman] Honey,
can you come here a minute?
(audience laughs)
(cheery music)
- And now folks,
it's sock it to him time.
(water splashing)
Not me you ruddy fool, him.
(drum roll)
- What's in a number four.
- Number four is
the ham, tongue,
turkey, swiss cheese,
lettuce, tomato and
russian dressing.
- I'll just have a ham on rye.
- One number four
hold the tongue,
turkey, swiss cheese,
lettuce, tomato and
russian dressing.
(audience laughs)
- Hold it, hold it.
Just uncovered new evidence
there's no question about it.
You did it.
(audience laughs)
(audience laughs)
(audience laughs)
(jaunty music sting)
- Blintz.
- Tonight the subject of
Laugh In's Mod, Mod World
is the American Family.
(groovy music)
It's a mod mod world,
A mod mod world
A mod mod world
- Tonight Mod, Mod World
looks at the American Family.
The very basis of man's
happiness in today's world
and Dick I'd like you to
pay particular attention
to this subject tonight.
- Sounds interesting,
I'm kinda sorry I missed it.
- Well you haven't missed it,
we're just getting
ready to do it.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Now I want you to try and,
now pay attention will you,
now try and think of
the American family
as democracy in its purest form.
Okay.
- Yeah,
- The father is the
President of the family,
the mother is the
Vice-President.
- I get it yeah.
Now there was Hubert Humphrey
is the father of his country,
- That's right.
- And the mother of his family.
- No,
Hubert Humphrey is the
Vice-President of the country.
- Well according to you then,
Mrs Humphrey is the
father of her family.
- No you're not
getting it this way.
Let's start at the beginning.
- Alright,
good evening ladies
and gentlemen-
- No no.
(audience laughs)
Now look,
family life began in America
when a handful of pilgrims
landed in a small boat
and today they are
200 million strong.
- How'd they get here?
- In a small boat.
- I'd like to get a nice girl,
a small boat and
fool around a little in it.
- When you think of it,
200 million people
living in happy families,
while you go your
wasted way along.
- Well it's not wasted.
- Well it is wasted,
you have no-one to
see to your comfort,
no-one to bring you
your slippers you-
- I got a dog.
- Yeah but you have
no-one to tuck you in at night,
and kiss you goodnight
and cuddle closer.
- I got a dog.
- It's not really
the same thing.
Some day you're
gonna have to realize
that a man is only really
happy in the bosom of his family.
- Hey, I'll drink to that.
- I want you to,
can you get a
picture in your mind.
Picture this.
You're with a woman you love.
- Has she got a small boat?
- Now this is a very,
very special woman.
- She's got a motorboat huh?
(audience laughs)
- Wait a minute,
you're in there with her.
Beautiful woman, special woman.
Before you know it.
(Dick laughs)
Marriage.
(Dick imitates vomiting)
You started your family.
- I have, in a boat?
- Yes.
Before long,
before long you'll hear
the pitter patter of little feet
around your house.
- Mickey Rooney's
coming to dinner?
- No.
I just don't,
I don't see how you can
go along the same route.
Why don't you
change your routine,
every night of your
life it's a different girl,
going from one
party to the next,
whooping it up and you think
you're having a good time.
- Yeah isn't that silly?
- But you're
missing half the fun.
- They opened a new place?
(audience laughs)
- No they didn't
open a new place,
I'm trying to tell you you have,
I, it it really,
the mind fairly boggles
at the dismal prospects
that face you.
I can see a long
lonely vista for you.
All alone,
when the other families are
gathered around the hearth-side,
celebrating Christmas
with their children
and their grand-children,
the sound of Christmas
carols fill the air.
What are we gonna
hear from your house?
Row row row your
boat (audience laughs)
But seriously folks.
The cornerstone of the
American family is the mother.
What is the mother?
To help answer this question,
let's talk to the lady recently
voted Mother of the Year.
And now we take you
to our man in Alaska,
take it away Dan Rowan.
- Dan Rowan here,
I'm seated in the
igloo living room
of Mrs Nanette Umlock,
the Mother of the Year.
May I call you
Nanette of the North?
- Mush.
(audience laughs)
- Listen for the benefit
of our viewing audience,
exactly where are we?
- Oh we're right here
in suburban Scagarack.
We moved here a few
years ago from Nome.
- Do you prefer it here?
- Well there's no
place like Nome.
(audience laughs)
That's a local joke.
- Yeah I guessed
it must have been.
How does it feel to be
the Mother of the Year,
the first Mother of the
Year from the North Pole?
- Oh Harvey's not Polish,
he was born right
here in Alaska.
- [Dan] No I mean,
you have 24 children.
- Maybe Harvey is Polish.
(audience laughs)
- 24 children,
that must be some
kind of a record isn't it?
- Not here in Alaska,
the nights are six months long.
Dumb dumb.
- You know that
jerky's terrible.
Nanette when you were
named the Mother of the Year,
the judges said something
about your cooking.
They spoke very highly
of your cooking skills.
- Well I do have
a way with whale.
- Well it shouldn't
be too difficult.
- Have you ever
tried to defrost one?
(audience laughs)
- What do you do
for entertainment?
- Well we just sit
around and chew the fat.
(audience laughs)
- This is Mother of
the Year with 24 kids,
you have any advice for the
young women of America?
- Yeah.
Don't rub noses with the
first guy who comes along.
(audience laughs)
- Say it's getting rather dark,
I think I'd better
be getting along.
- Oh I'm afraid you've
missed the last sleigh.
Would you like to
stay overnight with us?
- [Dan] Well that's
very kind of you
but I thought you just
said that the nights
are six months long.
- Mush.
(audience laughs)
- Right back to you Dick.
(audience applauds)
(jaunty music sting)
(groovy music)
In the area of family life,
Hollywood has become
more broad minded than ever.
This is evident
in such movies as
Guess Who's Coming to Dinner
where an integrated marriage
is portrayed for the first time.
We'd like to show you
a scene from the sequel
which is now in production.
(easy listening music)
(cups banging)
- I'm getting fed up with this.
Fed up.
Your mother treats me like dirt.
- What?
- I said your mother
treats me like dirt.
- My mother?
I thought she was your mother.
(audience laughs)
It's a mod mod world,
A mod mod world
It's a mod mod world.
- If it's true that children
learn by imitation,
then so do families
and where better to look
for that good example
than at America's
present first family.
Not so long ago...
(twinkling noise)
- Daddy.
Daddy.
(President mumbles)
Mr President.
It's me Daddy.
(audience laughs)
No it's your daughter.
(President mumbles)
Well it's three
o'clock in the morning.
(President mumbles)
Well Daddy it's the only
time I could talk to you.
I've got great news for you.
(President mumbles)
No Daddy your
popularity hasn't gone up,
it's not that.
I found myself a man.
I'm getting married.
- Well come on in,
we'll talk about it.
- Daddy I met him at the
Young Republican's dance.
(audience laughs)
- Daddy, I've
got to talk to you.
My husband
doesn't like my chili.
- Come on in and
we'll talk about it.
- Daddy,
what does Mama
put into your chili?
- Ah Mr President, Mr President.
- The President recognizes
a senior senator from Illinois,
if you wouldn't mind Everett.
- Mr President I know it's
three o'clock in the morning,
but I must discuss something.
Mr President you must
admit that as a statesmen,
I have made quite
a record for myself.
- I know you have Everett,
I bought two of your
record albums myself.
Come on in and
we'll talk about it.
- Mr Dirkson,
do you know what
goes into chili?
- A lot of ex-Nazis
from Germany.
- Mr President?
- Oh it's you Bobby.
How's your brother
Teddy getting on?
- He's out getting
over the headboards,
here he comes now.
The kids are right behind him.
Yeah come on kids,
bring the football.
- [Teddy] Never been
in a huddle in bed before.
- [Bobby] Now move
over there please.
- [President] Everett,
would you mind
moving over there.
Bobby would you sit over there,
Teddy would you, Lyndon don't,
my fellow Americans,
it is with a heavy heart
that I must ask you
to get the football
out of my pajamas.
- [Married Daughter] Bobby,
do you know what
goes into chili?
- [Bobby] Several
ex-Nazis from Germany.
- [Everett] I already
told them that.
(children shouting)
- [President] Now why don't
you all kinda quiet down.
(audience applauds)
A mod, mod world
- The main concern of every
American family is the children.
How are they, where are they,
and most recently,
what are they?
The ladies of our research team
in an attempt to reach
a better understanding,
have come up with
this musical question.
We're wondering where
We're wondering where
We're wondering where
are your children tonight
The little darlings
Where are your children tonight
The little angels
Where are the sweets
Are they out on the streets
Are they living
it up Carrying on
What do they do when
their parents are gone
Where are your children
(singing foreign language)
We mean this evening
Where are the darlings Mama
Have they been
naughty Where do they go
When you go to a show
Are they punching their cards
Under the stars
Rocking and rolling
in neighborhood barns
Maybe they're darlings
Maybe they're pips
But when you catch them smoking
Are they smoking filtered tips
They don't care for coffee
They just dig the pot
We must understand them
They're the only kids we've got
We're wondering where
Are your children
tonight Call a policeman
Where are your children tonight
Call a patrol car
Delinquent found when
the folks aren't around
Are they having a ball
Living with all of their might
We ask the question parents
Where where where
Where where where
Where where Where
are your children
Are they home In bed Alone
Where are your children tonight
(audience applauds)
- Bang.
(cheery music)
(cardboard bangs)
(jaunty music sting)
- And now tonight carrying
on in the great tradition.
- Which we hope to start.
- Yeah,
we present the first of our
ever popular Laugh In salutes.
- Tonight, salute to
the establishment.
With an E With an
S With a T-A-B-L-I
With an S With an H
With a M-E-N-T Huh.
Let's all salute
the establishment
The group who tried to
run the whole shebang
Ra ra ra Whoop de
toot the establishment
Assume the guys
are really grooving in
Ra ra ra Hail the
lads in authority
The chip for freedom
fell the mighty plain
Ding dong The guy on
top The boys in charge
The local fuzz The army sarge
The friendly President Ho ho
E-S-T-A-B-L-I-S-H-M-E-N-T
Oh hail the establishment Who we
Ra we ra ra woopdie de ra
(audience applauds)
- Yes.
The establishment,
the power people,
the folks who run this
country and make it what it is.
- Confused.
- Yes sir that and more.
And what does the
establishment get for its troubles?
Demonstrations, sit-ins.
- Love-Ins.
- Civil disobedience.
Racial unrest.
- Is that any way to treat
a swell bunch of fellas,
well is it?
- No.
- [All] No.
- You students, intellectuals,
and other minority groups,
have been giving the
establishment a lot of static lately
and we think it's time
somebody took the other side.
So do you wanna join us?
- [All] Yeah.
- Come on all you
hippies out there,
let's here it for the fuzz.
- [All] F-U-Z-Z fuzz.
- And you college kids,
how about a big hand
for selected service.
- [All] Yay.
- Sure and show
a little tolerance,
take a fuddy duddy to lunch.
- [All] L-U-N-C-H lunch.
- Fuddy duddy.
- So the men in power
have been screwing
things up for years,
doesn't experience
count for anything.
- [All] Right, yeah.
- Well,
big city landlords
have their problems too.
You think it's easy
to create a slum?
- [All] S-L-U-M slum.
- Fuddy duddy.
(audience laughs)
- You complain about dishonesty,
bigotry, greed,
don't you have any
respect for traditions?
(audience laughs)
- Yeah and what
about the buffalo?
- It's not the thing,
(audience laughs)
it's not that they don't want
to win the war on poverty,
they just want an
honorable withdrawal.
- [All] Yeah.
- So stop bugging
them and join them.
- [All] Yeah.
- Fuddy duddy.
(audience laughs)
- Well of course the
police harass teenagers.
What do you expect them to do,
go out and break up the mafia?
- [All] Oh.
- So there you are.
Next time you see a
member of the establishment,
don't hit him with a brick,
have a little compassion.
- Seek not the
arrogance of power,
but look instead within yourself
for the deeper spiritual values.
Bobby Baker June 3rd 1963.
- I knew it.
E-S-T-A-B-L-I-S-H-M-E-N-T
Oh hail the establishment Who we
Ra we ra ra woopdie de ra
(audience applauds)
- Tune in next week
when we'll be right here
with another head high stack
of big ones for you and yours.
(whistle blowing)
(audience laughs)
(lively music)
(audience laughs)
(cheery music)
- Say goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight sweet prince.
- Goodnight sweet prince?
- We'll be back next week
with our family of kooks
plus Robert Culp of I Spy
and some more surprises.
- You're not gonna bring
back Tiny Tim are you?
- No we really do have
a great line up next week.
I wanna tell you first of all-
- I wonder if you'd
mind if I said something
my aunt once said to me?
- I'm afraid we're out of time.
- Oh.
- Next week,
our guest as I say-
- She was locked in a steam
bath at the Wolverine Hotel
in Detroit Michigan
with a bassoon player from the
Johnnie Scat Davis Orchestra.
(audience laughs)
- Well I'm happy you
brought that to our attention.
Next week our guests as I-
- I thought perhaps
what she said
when she got out
of the steam bath
would be of interest
to the people.
- Oh she had something to say?
- Oh immediately.
(audience laughs)
- I don't know about them
but I don't want to miss it.
What did she say?
- Well when she came
out of the steam bath,
she,
I better not say what she said.
(audience laughs)
- Say goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight ladies
and gentlemen,
hope you had a good time.
(audience applauds)
(groovy music)
- Knock knock.
- Who's there?
- Cara.
- Cara who?
- Carafornia here I come.
- My friend Louis saw
a dummy try to throw
his elbow on the floor and miss.
My kind of town
Sun City is my kind of
(coughs)
- If the warden at
Sing Sing is watching,
the boys found out is
was your birthday sir
so they prepared a
little surprise for you.
So stick up your hands warden.
(audience laughs)
- Kick that ball Willy.
- Ah what's brown
and covered with sugar
and holds its side when it runs?
- Er, gingerbread
man with a hernia.
On the good ship lollipop
- There he is again.
- Let's go find Ray Charles.
- Wanna start a
pith party - Sure.
- Good, get a pith
and come on over.
- Oh.
- Play on the harp Billy Davey.
- Hickory Dickory Dock,
the mouse ran up the clock,
while in the same room
a bride and groom
didn't even notice.
- Will the lifeguard
who's been applying
mouth to mouth resuscitation
to the beautiful brunette
in the gold bikini, please stop.
She's been fine since Friday.
- Knock knock.
- Who's there?
- Quilton.
- What?
- Velcome to hot (laughs)
- There's not hey.
- Will the real Will
Chamberlain please sit down.
Here we go round
the mulberry bush,
The mulberry bush
The mulberry bush
Here we go round
the mulberry bush
Hooray for company picnics
(audience laughs)
- People who live in
glass houses shouldn't...
- Vote yes on proposition no.
(curious music)
(audience laughs)
(audience laughs)
(audience laughs)
(cheery music)
(audience laughs)
- Receding was recorded earlier
because we're one
engineer short today.
- Very interesting.
program is brought to you
in living color on NBC.
- What you are
about to see is true,
only the names and faces
have been left unchanged
to protect the innocent.
- That is the most
beautiful thing I ever heard.
- From their beautiful
studios in downtown Burbank,
NBC presents Rowan
and Martin's Laugh In.
(audience applauds)
Starring Dan Rowan
and Dick Martin
with guest stars Pamela Austin,
Barbara Feldon,
Flip Wilson and the
Strawberry Alarm Clock,
with Ruth Buzzi, Judy Carne,
Henry Gibson, Larry Hovis,
Arte Johnson, Jo Anne
Whorley, Ben Wrigley,
and introducing Morgul
as the Friendly Drelb.
And yours truly Gary Owens.
Tonight's program is brought
to you by our good friends,
(groovy music)
And now ladies and gentlemen,
for your further
listening pleasure,
here are the songs of Dan
Rowan and the lovely Dick Martin.
(audience applauds and laughs)
- Good evening.
Good evening,
we are very happy that you
have tuned in this first show
of our new series.
Right?
- Yes,
and I'd like to add a
further note if I may.
In that each time that
we have said these things,
we have hoped that the noon is
that has worn off
has come through
feeling that the long
arm has gone through
and brought back one that
we could slip under the door.
(audience laughs)
- Yeah,
well I couldn't have
said it better myself.
Hey how bout that,
your name's in big lights
up there on that marquee.
- So's mine.
- Yeah.
That's pretty good huh,
Rowan and Martin's Laugh In.
- Starring Bonnie and Clyde.
- That's next door.
- Ooh.
- Yeah.
Yep NBC took the one hour
special we did last September,
now we're gonna do 13 in a row.
- We can't do 13 hours.
- Why not?
- We'll be here all night.
- No not every
night every night.
We do them every Monday night,
once a week you know.
- Ho ho ho oh.
- Sure.
You are happy
about it aren't ya?
- I certainly can.
- Yeah well why,
I think you should
say something.
- All right I,
if I may I'd like to say that
I'm very pleased
and gratified to know
that I will be on the
air every Monday night.
- Well I think you
should say that.
- Thank you.
We'll be very pleased
- No I don't mean
- And gratified to
know - you should
say it again.
I think that once was just fine.
But you know, when you realize,
when you think just
for a second you know,
there's gonna,
every Monday night
millions of people,
millions right now watching you.
What do you say to that?
- If each and every one of you
could send in one dollar.
- No no no.
(audience applauds and laughs)
You can't say
that, it's illegal.
- How bout a dime.
- No no no.
You can't, you can't say that.
- You can't shoot
a guy for trying.
- You cannot get anywhere
by being dishonest.
- Oh how bout Bonnie and Clyde,
their name's twice
as big as ours.
- No no no.
You're off on a tangent.
- I had one of those,
but it sprung a leak.
- No no,
I mean you're going
in a different direction.
This show is going
to be a different show.
It's not a regular variety show.
You realize that you
now have a chance,
one hour a week,
you can do anything,
you can say anything
you want to say.
- You're kidding.
- Anything that
you wanna say.
- You'll get a kick
out of this one then.
There was a...
Anything the censors
and NBC and the sponsors
will allow you to say.
- That does cut down
the odds doesn't it.
(audience laughs)
- It narrows it a little bit.
But there are a lot of subjects
you can talk about like history.
You like history?
- Yeah.
- You wanna talk about history?
- Alright.
- You know what
happened in 1492?
- No,
but there was a great
party in 1537 upstairs.
- Oh, well why don't
we go to that one.
- You wanna go?
- Come along with us.
(audience applauds)
(groovy music)
- Georgie's so square,
he thinks that
planned parenthood
means living with his mother.
(audience laughs)
- You know I could have
had the lead in I Spy,
but they gave it to Robert Culp.
(audience laughs)
- It's not that Ronald
Reagan dislikes education,
it's just that he's
not fanatic about it.
(audience laughs)
- You know I always say
before two people
can love each other,
you really have
to like each other.
(audience laughs)
- Boris says real
rejection is trying to sell
Support Your Local Police
bumper stickers at Berkeley.
Isn't he silly?
(audience laughs)
- As the Ram
Chungulahoran once said,
"When the lamb lieth
down with the lion,
it is then and then only,
the pigeon will sit on
the arm of the idol."
(audience laughs)
- When I asked Harry
whether he'd rather
watch Mission
Impossible or kiss me,
he said "What's the difference?"
(audience laughs)
- I say we ought to get
bingo out of the supermarkets
and back into the
churches where it belongs.
(audience laughs)
- 90 percent of the Cadillac
owners in America say,
those white people sure
make some sharp cars.
(audience laughs)
- I have nothing against
the sexual revolution,
as long as they don't start
storming my barricades.
(audience laughs)
- It is said,
if the maiden
saveth not the oil,
it is then the Maharajah
trims the wick.
- I wish I had said that.
(audience laughs)
- And there'd be no
trouble in the Middle East,
if only the Israelis
and the Arabs
would start behaving
like good Christians.
(audience laughs)
- Well what do you
think of Red China?
- On a blue tablecloth,
I think it looks lovely.
(audience laughs)
- You're no relation to the
Seattle Martins are you?
- No no,
my mother married
my stepfather's brother
by a previous marriage.
You might call me
the man from uncle.
(audience applauds)
- Kuryakin, get over here fast.
I think I've found THRUSH
headquarters at last.
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
(cheery music)
- Step to the front please.
(audience laughs)
(slapping)
- Sock it to him,
sock it to him,
sock it to him.
- Sock it to him,
sock it to him,
sock it to him?
(audience laughs)
(lively music)
(mumbling singing)
(wood smashing)
(audience laughs)
- This fall when we
did our first Laugh In
as an NBC special,
we introduced some
exciting new talent,
all of whom have
gone a long way.
Three of them have
joined the Peace Corps
and two of them are
being held captive
by Polish freedom fighters.
- The last one became
the Kumquat Queen
of the Annual Fire
Island Fruit Festival.
(audience laughs)
- So tonight, Laugh
In proudly presents,
(music trumpeting)
our new band.
No, we're,
we proudly present our
new talent department.
- And to get things started.
- No hold it, I got
a surprise for you.
- Oh you're kidding.
You got a goody for me
so early in the evening?
- I have, wait til
you see this pal.
The toast of Greenwich Village
in his first
appearance anywhere,
Tiny Tim.
(audience applauds)
A tisket A tasket A
green and yellow basket
I sent a letter to my mother
On the way I
dropped I dropped it
I dropped it On
the way I dropped it
I sent a letter to my mother
On the way I dropped
it (audience laughs)
On the good ship lollipop
It's a sweet trip
to a candy shop
Where bon-bons play
On the sunny beach
of Peppermint Bay
Lemonade stands everywhere
Crackerjack bands fill the air
And there you are
Happy landing on a chocolate bar
See the sugar bowl
do the tootsie roll
With the big bad
devil's food cake
If you each too much Ooh ooh
You'll awake with a tummy ache
On the good ship lollipop
It's a night trip
into bed you hop
And dream away wee
On the good ship lollipop
A tisket, a tasket
A green and yellow basket
I sent a letter to my mother
On the way I dropped it
(audience applauds)
- If you ask me I think the guy
is nuttier than a fruit cake.
- Huh, like that?
A real surprise for you.
- You searched high and
low for that one didn't you?
(audience laughs)
- Kept him out of the service.
(audience laughs)
- I'll bet the army
burned his draft card.
(audience laughs)
- Interesting (laughs)
- Hey I got one.
- What, you've been
holding out on me.
- I never held out on anyone.
- Oh.
(audience laughs)
- Here is Ireland's
favorite son,
with some musical
memories of the good old days.
(audience applauds)
There'll be no
heebie-jeebies hanging around
I wanna holler so
the world will know
Here I go I'm
Alabamy I'm Alabamy
I'm Alabamy bound
(audience applauds)
Say you guys, how
do I get this off?
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
- Thank you for
that, and now Dick
here's one of the greatest
sopranos of all time.
- You're not gonna bring
back Tiny Tim are you?
- Not right away.
Tonight we're gonna
witness a television first,
direct from the Metropolitan
Opera in New York,
two great opera stars will
make their non-classical debut.
And here they are,
La bella prima donna Ruth Buzzi
and tenor ray profound
Don Vincenzo Laforza.
(audience applauds)
(triumphant music)
(moves into groovy music)
They say that you'll be mine
For love the time Oh baby
Don't klutz around Yes I believe
Your love all time
I promise not to klutz around
But if your love will never grow
You've got to promise
we'll be through
I'm not gonna sit
around and wait
I'll go out and get another date
I swear by stars above
I'm gonna give you
all my love Oh baby
I won't klutz around
(audience laughs)
You know I think you're hot
You can have
all the kisses I got
I wouldn't make you wait
You'll never never
never have another date
Believe me I'm for you
As long as skies are blue
Oh baby I won't klutz around.
Klutz
Klutz
Klutz
(laughs)
Klutz
Klutz
Klutz
Klutz
Klutz
Around
(audience applauds)
- Well, that's it folks.
- Remember New Jersey,
the number is Bigelow two.
- Two that's not
much of a number.
- It wasn't much of
a talent show either.
(audience laughs)
- Be that as it may,
tune in next week folks
when the fickle finger of fate
may beckon you to stardom.
You have anything
to add to that Dick?
- How can anybody
add anything to that?
- All the world's a stage
and all the men and
women merely players.
- What'd you say?
- I said tune in next week
when the fickle finger of fate-
- Now cut that out!
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
- Moving along musically,
here is the lovely
Dick Martin with trees.
(trumpet sting)
(audience laughs)
- The Feather, by Henry Gibson.
The feather is a
wonderful thing,
without it the
bird could not fly.
In addition, it warms
the old warblers
and protects them
when they are hiding.
The police like the feather too
because it helps
them control the traffic.
Well take for
example the streets,
which would be a mess
if birds started walking.
But most of all, it
is cheerful and gay.
If it were not for the feather,
we would be without fluff.
(audience laughs)
When you're down and out
Lift up your head and shout
I'm down and out Oh I'm begging
(audience laughs)
(cheery music)
(audience laughs)
- Sock it to me.
- And now folks,
it's sock it to em time.
(audience laughs)
- Sock it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock it to me.
- Sock it to me?
(lively music)
(audience laughs)
- Hold it, hold it, hold it.
Good news, I
couldn't get you life,
but I got you
alternating current.
(audience laughs)
(audience laughs)
(jaunty music sting)
- Time now to stop
all of the madness
with these kooky,
nutty, strange people.
To bring you the
Rowan and Martin report,
an analysis of the news,
past, present and future.
(lively music)
What's the news
across the nation
We have got the information
In a way we hope will amuse you
We just love to
give you our views
La Da Dee Da Ladies and Gents
Laugh In looks at
the news Here's Dan
(audience applauds)
- And now here's the
man to whom the news
wouldn't be the news
without the news,
here's Dickie.
(audience applauds)
- May the bird of
paradise nest in your nunu.
Hi there gang,
this is your Uncle Dickie
with tidbits from Tinseltown.
You know,
rumor has it that Rock
Hudson is the same person.
(audience laughs)
Meanwhile,
following the Queen
Mary controversy,
a British firm has
offered to buy Long Beach
and turn it into a ship.
(audience laughs)
Incidentally San
Francisco has made an offer
for the Queen Elizabeth.
If the bid is successful,
that'll give California the two
biggest queens in the world.
(audience laughs)
Naturally a spokesman for
Ronald Reagan denies this.
(audience laughs)
Okay.
And now back to Dan Rowan
as Laugh In looks at the
headlines 20 years from today.
- 1984,
here's an item from Howard
Hughes home in Las Vegas,
Utah, Arizona and California.
Sources close to
Mr Hughes revealed
that he has purchased
the Painted Desert.
He is planning to have it framed
and it will probably
hang in the Grand Canyon
which he bought last week.
Washington DC 1984.
President Robert
Kennedy announced
from the White House today,
that he doubts that
there is a serious romance
between his daughter
and actor George Hamilton.
Saigon, 1984.
Settlement is due any
day in the Vietnam crisis,
meanwhile US jets continue
to strafe Vietcong positions
just outside Paris.
Now to our lady correspondent,
Theona Thing.
- Here we are in Africa
for the historic meeting
between African
leaders Mowee Shombay,
Casa Booboo, Joe
Mokinyata and Necrooma.
- Man, that's a funny name.
Lyndon Baines Johnson.
(audience laughs)
- And now here's the latest
dirt from the movie capital.
(audience laughs)
- And now we take you
to our man in Antarctica.
Roger McGraw, take it away Rog.
- And now back to
Rowan and Martin.
Take it away Dickie.
- Wait, wait, wait a minute.
How about a report
from Antarctica Rog.
Take it away Rog.
- Oh okay,
let's see well,
yesterday I shaved,
this morning it snowed,
last night I ate penguin,
this morning I got up.
Bulletin,
I think I've got
an abscess tooth.
I'm so cold.
(audience laughs)
And that's it from Antarctica.
Now back to the
Rowan and Martin news.
(audience laughs)
- Recently the
200 millionth citizen
was born in this country
and here I am just
outside the Garden of Eden,
to interview the very first man.
Good evening Adam.
- How you doing baby?
(audience laughs)
- I can call you Adam can't I?
- I don't look like Eve do I?
- Well that's.
(mallet bangs)
How long,
how long have you
been living here Adam?
- Well since the day
after we ate that apple.
Bout eight years now.
- You like it here?
- Yeah well it's quiet,
lots of room for the kids,
we're putting
everything into land.
Now's the time to buy.
(audience laughs)
How'd you like to buy Manhattan
for two dollars and 50 cents?
It's gonna be higher
when the Indians get it.
(audience laughs)
- I think you may
be right there.
You must have been
working here hard,
hard all your life?
- Yeah, gotta keep
my nose to the wheel.
(audience laughs)
Well there's a guy on the
other side of the garden,
he really works hard (whistles).
- Yeah.
- Boy he works from
the time that big red thing
goes up in the morning,
till it falls down
into the ocean.
- The sun.
- The son, the mother,
the father, the whole (mumbles)
(audience laughs)
(mallet bangs)
- Listen Adam before I leave,
do you have anything to
say to the man of the future?
A word of advice I
can take back to them?
- Well,
I guess I'd have to say,
it wasn't the apple in the tree,
it was the tomato on the ground.
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
Well, there's one
that won't roll away.
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
- And that's all the news,
that's all from the news,
past, present and future.
Be sure to watch next
week when I... Wee.
- When I've got a
real surprise for you-
- Hey,
you're not gonna bring
back Tiny Tim are you?
- No tune in next week when
Laugh In looks at the news.
- That's right folks,
and we'll be here
with the new news.
(jaunty music sting)
- We'll be right back
after this important word.
- Elbow.
(lively music)
- Congratulations Mrs Jones,
you're a mother.
And don't worry,
husband and baby
are doing just fine.
- Ooh.
(screams)
(cheery music)
(audience laughs)
- Hi gang.
- It's now time for
station identification.
- Yep.
- This is K-I-N-G in Seattle.
- This here is
K-O-G-O is San Diego.
(model cracking)
- [Dan] Now that's
a station break.
- Off with his head.
- Hey, charming,
that's charming.
- We'll be right back with
more exciting commercials
following this brief
frightment of entertainment.
The second half of the
Rowan and Martin Laugh In
is brought to you by.
(groovy music)
- [Chorus] Sock it
to me, sock it to me,
- And now folks it's
sock it to him time.
(mallet bangs)
- Sock it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me?
(lively music)
(audience laughs)
- Hold it, hold it.
Good news, I just
heard from the Governor,
he is definitely going
to run for President.
(audience laughs)
(balls banging)
(audience laughs)
(drum roll)
- Is Rex Harrison his real name?
- Is Rex Harrison
whose real name?
(audience laughs)
- Seriously folks,
it's time to climb on,
cash in and cop out
as Laugh In presents,
the Strawberry Alarm Clock.
(audience applauds)
(groovy music)
Tomorrow
Things won't be
the same Tomorrow
Life would be a different game
But right now I am with you and
Together we can make it through
Ba-Ba-Ba Ba-ba-ba-ba Forever
Our love might last Forever
Will it come too fast
But right now I am with you and
Together we can make it through
Ba-ba-ba Ba-ba-ba-ba
We live in a world Of
carnivals and clowns
And buildings to the sky
That make us want to fly
We live in a world Of
carnivals and clowns
And buildings to the sky
That make us want to fly
But right now I am with you and
Together we can make it through
But right now I am with you and
Together we can make it through
Wow wow wow wow
(audience applauds)
- Alright, hold it right there.
- What?
- I've seen some pretty
disgraceful things in my time
but that's the topper.
- Well it was a-
- Wait a minute.
Do you know what that is?
- I have... That's vandalism.
- Well we-
- A wanton destruction
of private property.
- They really hit... Well it's
a total disregard
of law and order.
- Oh I know.
- Don't you realize we
have a responsibility
to the young people
in our audience.
- We left the tire-
- We have to show
them by our example
to develop into mature adults
with a mature adult attitude.
- Well how do you
know that they're-
- What's that ridiculous
thing you're holding in your,
give it.
(audience laughs)
Don't ever do it again.
- Georgie's so square,
he thinks that a little pot
is Tupperware for midgets.
(audience laughs)
- The cost of advertising
on national television
prohibits anyone
but big corporations
from displaying their wares
or expressing their views.
- So Laugh In has created its
own classified ads department
to give the little man
an equal opportunity.
- Good idea.
- Here are the Laugh
In classified ads.
- What am I bid for
this fine fine specimen?
Do I hear 10 dollars,
do I hear five dollars?
How bout a mint julep?
(audience applauds and laughs)
- And that's it for our
classified ads tonight.
(audience applauds)
(groovy music)
- [Woman] Honey,
can you come here a minute?
(audience laughs)
(cheery music)
- And now folks,
it's sock it to him time.
(water splashing)
Not me you ruddy fool, him.
(drum roll)
- What's in a number four.
- Number four is
the ham, tongue,
turkey, swiss cheese,
lettuce, tomato and
russian dressing.
- I'll just have a ham on rye.
- One number four
hold the tongue,
turkey, swiss cheese,
lettuce, tomato and
russian dressing.
(audience laughs)
- Hold it, hold it.
Just uncovered new evidence
there's no question about it.
You did it.
(audience laughs)
(audience laughs)
(audience laughs)
(jaunty music sting)
- Blintz.
- Tonight the subject of
Laugh In's Mod, Mod World
is the American Family.
(groovy music)
It's a mod mod world,
A mod mod world
A mod mod world
- Tonight Mod, Mod World
looks at the American Family.
The very basis of man's
happiness in today's world
and Dick I'd like you to
pay particular attention
to this subject tonight.
- Sounds interesting,
I'm kinda sorry I missed it.
- Well you haven't missed it,
we're just getting
ready to do it.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Now I want you to try and,
now pay attention will you,
now try and think of
the American family
as democracy in its purest form.
Okay.
- Yeah,
- The father is the
President of the family,
the mother is the
Vice-President.
- I get it yeah.
Now there was Hubert Humphrey
is the father of his country,
- That's right.
- And the mother of his family.
- No,
Hubert Humphrey is the
Vice-President of the country.
- Well according to you then,
Mrs Humphrey is the
father of her family.
- No you're not
getting it this way.
Let's start at the beginning.
- Alright,
good evening ladies
and gentlemen-
- No no.
(audience laughs)
Now look,
family life began in America
when a handful of pilgrims
landed in a small boat
and today they are
200 million strong.
- How'd they get here?
- In a small boat.
- I'd like to get a nice girl,
a small boat and
fool around a little in it.
- When you think of it,
200 million people
living in happy families,
while you go your
wasted way along.
- Well it's not wasted.
- Well it is wasted,
you have no-one to
see to your comfort,
no-one to bring you
your slippers you-
- I got a dog.
- Yeah but you have
no-one to tuck you in at night,
and kiss you goodnight
and cuddle closer.
- I got a dog.
- It's not really
the same thing.
Some day you're
gonna have to realize
that a man is only really
happy in the bosom of his family.
- Hey, I'll drink to that.
- I want you to,
can you get a
picture in your mind.
Picture this.
You're with a woman you love.
- Has she got a small boat?
- Now this is a very,
very special woman.
- She's got a motorboat huh?
(audience laughs)
- Wait a minute,
you're in there with her.
Beautiful woman, special woman.
Before you know it.
(Dick laughs)
Marriage.
(Dick imitates vomiting)
You started your family.
- I have, in a boat?
- Yes.
Before long,
before long you'll hear
the pitter patter of little feet
around your house.
- Mickey Rooney's
coming to dinner?
- No.
I just don't,
I don't see how you can
go along the same route.
Why don't you
change your routine,
every night of your
life it's a different girl,
going from one
party to the next,
whooping it up and you think
you're having a good time.
- Yeah isn't that silly?
- But you're
missing half the fun.
- They opened a new place?
(audience laughs)
- No they didn't
open a new place,
I'm trying to tell you you have,
I, it it really,
the mind fairly boggles
at the dismal prospects
that face you.
I can see a long
lonely vista for you.
All alone,
when the other families are
gathered around the hearth-side,
celebrating Christmas
with their children
and their grand-children,
the sound of Christmas
carols fill the air.
What are we gonna
hear from your house?
Row row row your
boat (audience laughs)
But seriously folks.
The cornerstone of the
American family is the mother.
What is the mother?
To help answer this question,
let's talk to the lady recently
voted Mother of the Year.
And now we take you
to our man in Alaska,
take it away Dan Rowan.
- Dan Rowan here,
I'm seated in the
igloo living room
of Mrs Nanette Umlock,
the Mother of the Year.
May I call you
Nanette of the North?
- Mush.
(audience laughs)
- Listen for the benefit
of our viewing audience,
exactly where are we?
- Oh we're right here
in suburban Scagarack.
We moved here a few
years ago from Nome.
- Do you prefer it here?
- Well there's no
place like Nome.
(audience laughs)
That's a local joke.
- Yeah I guessed
it must have been.
How does it feel to be
the Mother of the Year,
the first Mother of the
Year from the North Pole?
- Oh Harvey's not Polish,
he was born right
here in Alaska.
- [Dan] No I mean,
you have 24 children.
- Maybe Harvey is Polish.
(audience laughs)
- 24 children,
that must be some
kind of a record isn't it?
- Not here in Alaska,
the nights are six months long.
Dumb dumb.
- You know that
jerky's terrible.
Nanette when you were
named the Mother of the Year,
the judges said something
about your cooking.
They spoke very highly
of your cooking skills.
- Well I do have
a way with whale.
- Well it shouldn't
be too difficult.
- Have you ever
tried to defrost one?
(audience laughs)
- What do you do
for entertainment?
- Well we just sit
around and chew the fat.
(audience laughs)
- This is Mother of
the Year with 24 kids,
you have any advice for the
young women of America?
- Yeah.
Don't rub noses with the
first guy who comes along.
(audience laughs)
- Say it's getting rather dark,
I think I'd better
be getting along.
- Oh I'm afraid you've
missed the last sleigh.
Would you like to
stay overnight with us?
- [Dan] Well that's
very kind of you
but I thought you just
said that the nights
are six months long.
- Mush.
(audience laughs)
- Right back to you Dick.
(audience applauds)
(jaunty music sting)
(groovy music)
In the area of family life,
Hollywood has become
more broad minded than ever.
This is evident
in such movies as
Guess Who's Coming to Dinner
where an integrated marriage
is portrayed for the first time.
We'd like to show you
a scene from the sequel
which is now in production.
(easy listening music)
(cups banging)
- I'm getting fed up with this.
Fed up.
Your mother treats me like dirt.
- What?
- I said your mother
treats me like dirt.
- My mother?
I thought she was your mother.
(audience laughs)
It's a mod mod world,
A mod mod world
It's a mod mod world.
- If it's true that children
learn by imitation,
then so do families
and where better to look
for that good example
than at America's
present first family.
Not so long ago...
(twinkling noise)
- Daddy.
Daddy.
(President mumbles)
Mr President.
It's me Daddy.
(audience laughs)
No it's your daughter.
(President mumbles)
Well it's three
o'clock in the morning.
(President mumbles)
Well Daddy it's the only
time I could talk to you.
I've got great news for you.
(President mumbles)
No Daddy your
popularity hasn't gone up,
it's not that.
I found myself a man.
I'm getting married.
- Well come on in,
we'll talk about it.
- Daddy I met him at the
Young Republican's dance.
(audience laughs)
- Daddy, I've
got to talk to you.
My husband
doesn't like my chili.
- Come on in and
we'll talk about it.
- Daddy,
what does Mama
put into your chili?
- Ah Mr President, Mr President.
- The President recognizes
a senior senator from Illinois,
if you wouldn't mind Everett.
- Mr President I know it's
three o'clock in the morning,
but I must discuss something.
Mr President you must
admit that as a statesmen,
I have made quite
a record for myself.
- I know you have Everett,
I bought two of your
record albums myself.
Come on in and
we'll talk about it.
- Mr Dirkson,
do you know what
goes into chili?
- A lot of ex-Nazis
from Germany.
- Mr President?
- Oh it's you Bobby.
How's your brother
Teddy getting on?
- He's out getting
over the headboards,
here he comes now.
The kids are right behind him.
Yeah come on kids,
bring the football.
- [Teddy] Never been
in a huddle in bed before.
- [Bobby] Now move
over there please.
- [President] Everett,
would you mind
moving over there.
Bobby would you sit over there,
Teddy would you, Lyndon don't,
my fellow Americans,
it is with a heavy heart
that I must ask you
to get the football
out of my pajamas.
- [Married Daughter] Bobby,
do you know what
goes into chili?
- [Bobby] Several
ex-Nazis from Germany.
- [Everett] I already
told them that.
(children shouting)
- [President] Now why don't
you all kinda quiet down.
(audience applauds)
A mod, mod world
- The main concern of every
American family is the children.
How are they, where are they,
and most recently,
what are they?
The ladies of our research team
in an attempt to reach
a better understanding,
have come up with
this musical question.
We're wondering where
We're wondering where
We're wondering where
are your children tonight
The little darlings
Where are your children tonight
The little angels
Where are the sweets
Are they out on the streets
Are they living
it up Carrying on
What do they do when
their parents are gone
Where are your children
(singing foreign language)
We mean this evening
Where are the darlings Mama
Have they been
naughty Where do they go
When you go to a show
Are they punching their cards
Under the stars
Rocking and rolling
in neighborhood barns
Maybe they're darlings
Maybe they're pips
But when you catch them smoking
Are they smoking filtered tips
They don't care for coffee
They just dig the pot
We must understand them
They're the only kids we've got
We're wondering where
Are your children
tonight Call a policeman
Where are your children tonight
Call a patrol car
Delinquent found when
the folks aren't around
Are they having a ball
Living with all of their might
We ask the question parents
Where where where
Where where where
Where where Where
are your children
Are they home In bed Alone
Where are your children tonight
(audience applauds)
- Bang.
(cheery music)
(cardboard bangs)
(jaunty music sting)
- And now tonight carrying
on in the great tradition.
- Which we hope to start.
- Yeah,
we present the first of our
ever popular Laugh In salutes.
- Tonight, salute to
the establishment.
With an E With an
S With a T-A-B-L-I
With an S With an H
With a M-E-N-T Huh.
Let's all salute
the establishment
The group who tried to
run the whole shebang
Ra ra ra Whoop de
toot the establishment
Assume the guys
are really grooving in
Ra ra ra Hail the
lads in authority
The chip for freedom
fell the mighty plain
Ding dong The guy on
top The boys in charge
The local fuzz The army sarge
The friendly President Ho ho
E-S-T-A-B-L-I-S-H-M-E-N-T
Oh hail the establishment Who we
Ra we ra ra woopdie de ra
(audience applauds)
- Yes.
The establishment,
the power people,
the folks who run this
country and make it what it is.
- Confused.
- Yes sir that and more.
And what does the
establishment get for its troubles?
Demonstrations, sit-ins.
- Love-Ins.
- Civil disobedience.
Racial unrest.
- Is that any way to treat
a swell bunch of fellas,
well is it?
- No.
- [All] No.
- You students, intellectuals,
and other minority groups,
have been giving the
establishment a lot of static lately
and we think it's time
somebody took the other side.
So do you wanna join us?
- [All] Yeah.
- Come on all you
hippies out there,
let's here it for the fuzz.
- [All] F-U-Z-Z fuzz.
- And you college kids,
how about a big hand
for selected service.
- [All] Yay.
- Sure and show
a little tolerance,
take a fuddy duddy to lunch.
- [All] L-U-N-C-H lunch.
- Fuddy duddy.
- So the men in power
have been screwing
things up for years,
doesn't experience
count for anything.
- [All] Right, yeah.
- Well,
big city landlords
have their problems too.
You think it's easy
to create a slum?
- [All] S-L-U-M slum.
- Fuddy duddy.
(audience laughs)
- You complain about dishonesty,
bigotry, greed,
don't you have any
respect for traditions?
(audience laughs)
- Yeah and what
about the buffalo?
- It's not the thing,
(audience laughs)
it's not that they don't want
to win the war on poverty,
they just want an
honorable withdrawal.
- [All] Yeah.
- So stop bugging
them and join them.
- [All] Yeah.
- Fuddy duddy.
(audience laughs)
- Well of course the
police harass teenagers.
What do you expect them to do,
go out and break up the mafia?
- [All] Oh.
- So there you are.
Next time you see a
member of the establishment,
don't hit him with a brick,
have a little compassion.
- Seek not the
arrogance of power,
but look instead within yourself
for the deeper spiritual values.
Bobby Baker June 3rd 1963.
- I knew it.
E-S-T-A-B-L-I-S-H-M-E-N-T
Oh hail the establishment Who we
Ra we ra ra woopdie de ra
(audience applauds)
- Tune in next week
when we'll be right here
with another head high stack
of big ones for you and yours.
(whistle blowing)
(audience laughs)
(lively music)
(audience laughs)
(cheery music)
- Say goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight sweet prince.
- Goodnight sweet prince?
- We'll be back next week
with our family of kooks
plus Robert Culp of I Spy
and some more surprises.
- You're not gonna bring
back Tiny Tim are you?
- No we really do have
a great line up next week.
I wanna tell you first of all-
- I wonder if you'd
mind if I said something
my aunt once said to me?
- I'm afraid we're out of time.
- Oh.
- Next week,
our guest as I say-
- She was locked in a steam
bath at the Wolverine Hotel
in Detroit Michigan
with a bassoon player from the
Johnnie Scat Davis Orchestra.
(audience laughs)
- Well I'm happy you
brought that to our attention.
Next week our guests as I-
- I thought perhaps
what she said
when she got out
of the steam bath
would be of interest
to the people.
- Oh she had something to say?
- Oh immediately.
(audience laughs)
- I don't know about them
but I don't want to miss it.
What did she say?
- Well when she came
out of the steam bath,
she,
I better not say what she said.
(audience laughs)
- Say goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight ladies
and gentlemen,
hope you had a good time.
(audience applauds)
(groovy music)
- Knock knock.
- Who's there?
- Cara.
- Cara who?
- Carafornia here I come.
- My friend Louis saw
a dummy try to throw
his elbow on the floor and miss.
My kind of town
Sun City is my kind of
(coughs)
- If the warden at
Sing Sing is watching,
the boys found out is
was your birthday sir
so they prepared a
little surprise for you.
So stick up your hands warden.
(audience laughs)
- Kick that ball Willy.
- Ah what's brown
and covered with sugar
and holds its side when it runs?
- Er, gingerbread
man with a hernia.
On the good ship lollipop
- There he is again.
- Let's go find Ray Charles.
- Wanna start a
pith party - Sure.
- Good, get a pith
and come on over.
- Oh.
- Play on the harp Billy Davey.
- Hickory Dickory Dock,
the mouse ran up the clock,
while in the same room
a bride and groom
didn't even notice.
- Will the lifeguard
who's been applying
mouth to mouth resuscitation
to the beautiful brunette
in the gold bikini, please stop.
She's been fine since Friday.
- Knock knock.
- Who's there?
- Quilton.
- What?
- Velcome to hot (laughs)
- There's not hey.
- Will the real Will
Chamberlain please sit down.
Here we go round
the mulberry bush,
The mulberry bush
The mulberry bush
Here we go round
the mulberry bush
Hooray for company picnics
(audience laughs)
- People who live in
glass houses shouldn't...
- Vote yes on proposition no.
(curious music)
(audience laughs)
(audience laughs)
(audience laughs)
(cheery music)
(audience laughs)
- Receding was recorded earlier
because we're one
engineer short today.
- Very interesting.