Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 1, Episode 2 - Robert Culp, Flip Wilson, The First Edition, Leo G. Carroll, Sheldon Leonard, Tommy Smothers - full transcript
Sketches include News of the past, present, and the future, Body graffiti on Judy, Flip as the Caveman auctioning off the Kentucky Colonel, and Maude's World of Higher Education. Featuring ...
(mellow fantasy music)
- [Narrator] The following
program is brought to you
in living color on NBC.
(humming)
- Last week at this time
NBC presented the first
in a series of
television shows entitled
Rowan and Martin's Laugh In.
Now, the reaction
was tremendous.
In spite of this and in
defiance of numerous requests
tonight NBC is once more
going to sock it to you.
- Unfortunately, he is correct.
- Hey, I didn't know that.
- Tonight, from their
beautiful studios in
downtown Burbank NBC presents
Rowan and Martin's Laugh In,
starring Dan Rowan,
(upbeat 60s music)
and Dick Martin.
With guest stars Robert Culp,
Rip Wilson, The First Edition,
with Judy Carne, Arte Johnson,
and Eileen Brennan, Ruth Buzzi,
Henry Gibson, Muriel Landers,
Roddy Maude-Roxby,
Jo Anne Worley,
yours truly Gary Owens,
and by popular demand
Morgul as the Friendly Drelb.
- And me, I'm Ed McMahon.
- [Narrator] Tonight's
program is brought to you by.
(upbeat 60s music)
- And now, on with the show.
And, here are your
favorites and mine,
two real nice guys
and very good friends.
Dick Rowan and Dan Martin.
(laughs)
Dick, Rowan and Merlin.
(laughs)
Dumberland and Ro,
Roman and Merlin.
(laughs)
So, let's bring 'em on.
(laughs)
Friends of mine
Rowan and Marvin.
(laughs)
Here they are folks.
(applause)
- Evening.
- Hey.
- It's very nice of
you to join us for this,
the second in the
Laugh In series.
- And, if I may I'd
like to add to that,
that if you get there soon
enough and shove enough
under the door that you
could beat your uncle home.
(laughs)
- Hey, I kinda missed seeing
you this week after rehearsals.
You've been cutting out
like somebody's after you.
Some of the cast is
beginning to think you're
stuck up or something.
Where you been?
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I have to stick pretty close
to my apartment, you know.
- [Dan] Why?
- I'm having it redone.
- You're decorating
your apartment?
- Yeah.
- You doing it yourself?
- No, I hired a decorator.
He flies in and out.
- He's from out of town?
- Well, you might say that.
You might, I wouldn't.
- What's his name?
- Bruce.
- Bruce what?
- Bruce Bruce.
- I don't think I've
ever heard of him.
- Well, that's strange
'cause he's decorated
some of the most
famous places in the world.
- Like whose?
- Well, he just finished
Doctor Scholl's pad.
(laughs)
That's a little foot joke.
- Yes.
(laughs)
- And, they get
away with murder.
- Well, you've got a
decorator that's a kook.
- No sir, that's
what it's really like,
you kidding me he's made a
couple of great suggestions.
- Like what?
- You remember that, the
far end of my living room
the wall there?
- The one with all
the book shelves.
- Yeah, not any more though.
He took all the
bookshelves and the wall out
and it's all glass
now, floor to ceiling,
wall to wall glass.
It's one huge picture window.
- What for?
- Well, Bruce feels
that he'd like to bring
the outside in.
- You know, that's
not a bad idea.
I forget which end of
the building that wall's,
what's your view down there.
- Well, that's the
hang up, you see.
Actually, it's a bad
turn on the freeway.
(laughs)
- Well, that brings
the outside in.
- A 1938 Essex
and two hitch hikers.
- Last night?
You're getting 'em all.
I think you're just
throwing your money away
with this guy.
- Are you kidding?
Bruce did some wonderful
things in my bedroom.
- [Dan] Like what?
- Well, he put a skylight
right in the ceiling.
- Oh hey, that's a good idea.
I like those skylights,
it's great to lie in bed
and see a nice view.
- Oh, I love it.
I don't think the couple
upstairs are too crazy about it.
(laughs)
- Looks like you've
gone and done it again.
- Well listen, you can
be your own judge.
We're having a little party.
I'm gonna throw a little
housewarming party
and you're invited.
- Well, I'll reciprocate,
we're having a little party here
and you're invited.
- When?
- Right now, as a matter
of fact you're invited too,
so come on along.
- [Dick] Come on.
(applause)
(upbeat 60s music)
- May I ask a personal question?
- Yes, my child, anything.
- Who are you and
what are you doing here?
(upbeat 60s music)
- My brother's a Quaker.
Some of his best
Jews are friends.
(upbeat 60s music)
- Well, Boris says a
hippie is what comes
just above the kneesies.
(laughs)
You nut.
(upbeat 60s music)
- The ugly people
know who they are.
(laughs) (upbeat 60s music)
- I wanted to have a
nose job but Harry said
it would be like
putting a luggage rack
on a 1953 Desoto.
(laughs) (upbeat 60s music)
- As it is said Rom
Shadndagar the sorrows of man
are thousandfold,
but it is the camel
that has but one hump.
(laughs) (upbeat 60s music)
- Well, is it true that British
women are more reserved?
- No, I wouldn't say that.
I suppose it's not a bad
idea to give them a call first.
(laughs) (upbeat 60s music)
- Adam and Eve,
Anthony and Cleopatra,
Liz and Dick, and
now you and me.
(laughs) (upbeat 60s music)
- Oh, I know I've
seen you somewhere.
Give me another clue, go on.
- Well, does the name Bill
Cosby mean anything to you?
- Oh of course.
- Of course.
- Bill Cosby.
I'm dreaming of
a white christmas
(laughs) (upbeat 60s music)
- In the words of the Maharishi
if the laughing hyena laughs
but the grizzly bear
does not grizzle,
what then of the horned toad?
(laughs) (upbeat 60s music)
- No, actually it's in Idaho.
- Would you mind
saying that again?
- Idaho.
- That's frightfully interesting,
we pronounce it Ohio.
(laughs) (upbeat 60s music)
(growls)
- You show me a girl
who growls like that
and I'll show you a tiger.
- My last boyfriend's
mother used to say that.
Funny, his name was Dickie, too.
- Mom always did like him best.
(laughs)
(upbeat 60s music)
(applause)
(mellow music)
- And now folks, it's
Sock It To 'Em time.
- Sock it to me, sock
it to me, sock it to me.
- Sock it to me, sock
it to me, sock it to me?
(laughs)
(upbeat 60s music)
(laughs)
(upbeat 60s music)
- A gift from a fan in Detroit.
(upbeat 60s music)
- Well, hello out
there in video land.
Once again it's New Talent time.
- You're not... (fanfare)
Is that the new talent?
- No, that's the same old band.
- Oh, good.
- Say, have I got a
surprise for you tonight.
- You're not gonna bring
back old Tiny Tim, are ya?
- Oh, no, no not tonight.
Here's one of her
majesties Grendier Guards,
Corporal Roddy Maude-Roxby.
(British fanfare)
(shouting)
That's Roddy Maude-Roxby.
- Well, that's some of the
best marching I've ever seen.
(applause)
Well, that's wonderful.
- Wait a minute.
- Who's next.
- Wait a minute,
he hasn't done it yet.
- He hasn't done it, huh?
- No.
(laughs)
- I've got a feeling
he's going to, though.
(laughs)
Do you sing or dance?
- No sir, we're not allowed
sing sir, not in the regiment.
Sir, not in uniform, you see.
If you wanna have a
song you have to take
the uniform off.
After lights out in
the barracks you may
hear the odd solider
having a bit of song, you see.
That'd be your odd
soldier, you see.
No, we don't sing in the
regiment sir, nor dance, you see.
Dancing is frowned
on in uniform.
We're not allowed
to dance in uniform.
Turn a parade into a mockery.
No, we couldn't have lots of
people dancing around, you see.
If they wanna have a
dance after lights out
in the barracks you
may find the odd solider
having a bit of a
dance, you see.
But, that would only
be your odd soldier.
No sir, dancing is
definitely out, you see.
Not allowed that at all, sir.
We are guardsmen,
you see, we guard things.
Technically speaking
we stand at guard
by a palace or a head
of state or a bridge
and he's guarding it, you see.
Even if I wander up and
down, technically speaking
I'm on guard at this moment.
I am guarding you, you see.
You could say I'm on
guard right beside you.
Of course, the on guard
position is arrived at
by shouting "On guard, right".
(shouts)
That's on guard you
see sir against someone
coming from that
direction, obviously you see.
It'd be useless from someone
coming from over there.
Then we go, "On
guard, left, on guard, left.
"Halt and deliver
the Queen's keys.
"Advance and be recognized."
- Somebody lost
the Queen's keys?
- I am here sir
to read the poem,
recite the poem with which I won
the reciting prize for the
British Army you see, sir.
- Good.
- This was in Edinburgh in 1956.
I was stood on top of a
wall at Ediburgh Castle
you see in 1956 and
I recited my poem.
Of course, the audience
couldn't hear me.
They were way down there,
they hadn't got a blind chance.
If one of them had come up there
they'd have heard me reciting.
I go back to the sergeant
Major, I report to him,
he asks me, "Did
you recite your poem?"
I say, "Yes".
He takes my word for it, he
asks me my name and number.
I got both those right I
get my prize, you see.
There is another prize,
that is for reciting poetry
in the face of the enemy.
This is very difficult
you see I have to get
right up to the enemy,
recite into his face.
Very hard for one to
complete the poem, you see.
I shall now go and look for
a wall and recite my poem.
(shouts)
(British fanfare)
(applause)
- He's taller than
Tiny Tim, isn't he?
- He's gonna go out
there and recite the poem.
We'll hear about that later.
Now, we have a
really unusual act.
- That one wasn't unusual.
(laughs)
- No, no.
- That's your
everyday, run of the mill
thing you see on Dean
Martin every week.
- That's pretty weird, man.
- Yes sir, boy.
- I got one for
you in that case.
- Oh, you have one?
- You know, talent
lurks in many places.
- That's true.
- Our roving talent
scout found a PTA mother
who was cross
walk lady right here
in downtown fashionable Burbank.
Ladies and gentlemen, is
there a downtown Burbank?
- Yes there is, and
that's where she's from.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
Missus Eileen Brennan.
- There she is.
(applause)
(mellow music)
Remember your name and address
And telephone number too
And if some day
you lose your way
You know just what to do
Walk up to a kind police man
The very first one you meet
And simply say I've lost my way
I cannot find my street
But I know my name And address
And telephone number too
And he'll be kind
And help you find
The dear ones who wait For you
(applause)
- Didn't have cross walk
guards like that in my day.
- That oughta save a few lives.
- On our special last fall
we introduced a famous
rock and roll singer from
behind the Iron Curtain.
Tonight, due to numerous
requests, we're bringing
him back for a
return engagement.
- Yes.
- Yeah, ladies and
gentlemen Pierto Dismanko.
(applause)
Good evening Mister Dismanko.
- It's very nice.
- It's certainly a
pleasure to have you back
on the show tonight.
- I like to for coming here.
- You're going to
sing a folk song?
- No, for the first time
I'm going to sing a song
from the musical
theaters of our people.
- Oh, it's musical tune
from your own show.
- It's one of this
brand new song.
- [Dan] New song?
- Introducing for the first.
- [Dan] A Russian?
- For the first time.
- [Dan] Oh, wonderful.
- This song in this place.
(singing in foreign language)
(laughs)
(applause)
- Beautiful.
Well, that about wraps
it up for our new talent
department for tonight.
- And, remember to
vote for your favorite.
Put your name and
measurements on the back
of a self-addressed
stamped photograph.
- That was dumb.
- We're gonna see
that you get yours.
- That's right.
- And, remember this folks
who knows when the fickle
finger of fate may
beckon you to start 'em.
- And good night Tiny
Tim wherever you are.
(laughs)
(applause)
- This is your off stage
announcer reminding you
that I have an upset stomach.
- The biggest thing that
happened to you guys
is when they put
you on the nickel.
(laughs)
- I've seen you someplace, I
know I've seen you some where.
- All right, I'll give
you another hint.
I'll make it easy for you.
What do you do every
Monday night between 10 and 11
or nine and 10 Central Time.
- Oh, I always stay home
and watch my favorite TV show.
- Well, I certainly hope
so, Stanley, okay now.
- Oh, that's funny, you
don't look like Carol Burnett.
(laughs)
- I just wanna swing.
(mellow music)
- And now folks, it's
sock it to 'em time.
- [Narrator] Sock it
to me, sock it to me.
- Sock it to me, sock
it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me.
- Sock it to him?
(upbeat 60s music)
- Don't tell me about Johnson.
He's done some
pretty great things,
like his war on puberty.
- I would like a
chocolate malted, please.
- Chocolate malted, sure lady.
Hey, would you
like an egg in it.
- Yes.
- Okay.
(laughs)
(upbeat music)
(laughs)
(quirky music)
(laughs)
(blows raspberry)
- And now, it's time
for Rowan and Martin's
look at the news, past,
present, and future.
What's the news
across the nation
We have all the information
We report the news, news
We report on News
Ladies and gents let's
hear most of the news
Here's Dan (applause)
- Thank you, and now once
again Rowan and Martin
looks at the news
past, present, and future.
And now, with the news of today
here's Dickie.
(applause)
- Greetings friends, may
the bluebird of happiness
hatch in your hair piece.
(laughs)
Here's some names in the news:
Linden, Hubert, Bobby, Liz,
Mervin, Leroy, Irving,
and Morgul as
the Friendly Drelb.
Next, here's today's big story.
- Hey, that doesn't make sense.
- NBC announced that
in spite of the highest
ratings ever for the Bob
Hope Christmas show
they intend to cancel
that Viet Nam war.
Fashion News from
Paris, French designers say
that 1968 will see the
end of the short skirt,
long earrings, and
textured stockings
while women's fashions will
remain essentially the same.
(laughs)
And now, we take you
to our man in Pittsburgh.
What's happening
in Pittsburgh, Bob?
Okay, and now for
a look into the future
with the news, headlines,
20 years from now,
and here's Dan Rowan.
(drum roll)
- 1988 from the
capitol of France
in Quebec, Canada (laughs)
General DeGualle
announced that from now on
his birthday will be
celebrated on December 25th.
(laughs)
Sacramento, 1988
Governor Ronald Regan announced
a generous increase in
California Medicare benefits.
The ailing Governor is 65 today.
(laughs)
(applause)
Here's some more news in
the future, 20 years from now.
Dublin, 1988 with marriage in
the church recently sactioned
the Arch Bishop
and his lovely bride
Sister Mary Catherine said,
"This time it's for keeps."
(laughs)
Now, here's the
news of the past.
Back to you, Dick.
- The so called modern
trend in topical and political
comedy in America today
began, in fact, when there
were only 13 colonies.
We take you back 200
years to the colonial Boston,
where it's show
time at the colonial
Copper Kettle Coffee Kitchen.
(applause)
(upbeat swing music)
(applause)
- Yeah, it's nice to back.
I always tell my friends
this is my favorite place.
You know, I never
can wait to get back
to the Copper Kettle,
my favorite place.
I always look at the audience,
you know you got a lot of
ugly people in the audience
here at the Copper
Kettle, but I like them.
(hums)
Ben Franklin got married,
did you hear about that?
Yeah, he married a
model up in Philadelphia.
(whistles)
Fox.
(laughs)
Big time model,
that's her picture
on the front of those
mother's oats boxes.
(laughs)
You know, I started
here at the Copper Kettle.
I used to hold the
little horses out front.
(laughs)
(applause)
Well, I gotta go,
besides a guy just rode by
and said, "The
British are coming."
Good night, folks.
(applause) (upbeat swing music)
- Each week we present
the Horatio Alger award.
- I didn't know that.
- To the person who
has opened up new vistas
in industry and science to
help make America great.
And, this week's winner
is George W. Young,
a man of great
courage and vision.
Good evening Mister Young.
- Yes.
- I'd certainly like
to congratulate you
on winning the
Horatio Alger award.
- Yes.
- I see you're hard at work
on a new project, are you?
- Yes, my new
venture, my railroad.
- Oh, you bought a railroad.
- No, I'm building a railroad.
(laughs)
- Building a railroad?
- Yes.
- Well, that hasn't been
done for over 100 years.
- Yes, that's true.
Sir, I have a crew
working from the west coast
and one from the...
- This is the east coast
over here, Mister Young.
- Yes, thank you young man.
Tricky, these maps.
(laughs)
In any event, I have a
crew working from this coast
and one from that coast.
- Yes.
- They're slowly moving
towards each other.
Eventually, within
a few short months
they will meet in downtown
Omaha, Nebraska.
- I see.
- From that moment
forward, sir, with the driving
of this golden spike
you will be able to travel
from New York to California
in less than eight days.
(laughs)
- Just zip right across
the country there, huh?
- Yes indeed, sir.
- Well, how's your
project going along?
- Fine, yes, 100%.
- [Dan] Is that so?
At this moment we
have at least a half a mile
of track laid already.
- Oh really, a half a mile?
Where is it, on the east
coast or the west coast?
- Yes.
(laughs)
All those places, well of
course, it's not connected yet.
- Oh, of course not.
- We have one and half
yard in New York City alone.
We have five inches
outside of Pittsburgh,
200 feet near Des Moines,
Iowa, approximately 80 yards
somewhere due
west of Elko, Nevada.
(laughs)
Of course, you understand,
the greatest difficulty
has been the
purchasing of the land.
- The land.
- Yes, a lot of the
settlers won't sell.
(laughs)
- Well, I see you're
pretty busy Mister Young
so I'll just toddle
along, thank you.
- I wanna thank you for
your help with the map.
You're a fine young man,
wanna be a switchman?
- No, I'd sure like to drive
that golden spike, though.
- This one?
- Yeah.
- Sure you will, by all means.
That's the 45th guy that
wants to drive the golden spike.
Are they kidding?
I'm gonna drive
the golden spike.
Toot, toot.
(cheerful music)
(applause)
- Well, that's about it for
the Rowan and Martin report,
tune in next week when
Laugh In looks at the news
past, present, and future.
- And remember...
I forgot, I don't know.
(laughs)
(applause)
- For those of you
in our radio audience
Dan Rowan is the
taller of the two.
(laughs)
- Hey you guys, how 'bout
a game of mixed doubles?
(laughs)
- Don't look so glum,
we're on television.
- Hi there.
(upbeat music)
- Hash is better than turkey,
by Henry Gibson.
Hash is better than turkey
because you don't have
to run so far to catch it.
In edition, it's a
crusty old food stuff
and provides an escape
from traditional fowl.
But, most of all,
it is featherless.
Cowboys like hash too
because it gives them
a reason to turn on the range.
(laughs)
(jaunty music)
- Knish.
(mellow music)
- It's time for a station break.
- No, actually what it is is
it's time for a station break.
- Yeah, okay.
(crash)
- Now for an interesting
change of pace.
And now friends, our
thought for the day.
Dip your pens in sunshine,
and write to a shut-in.
- The second half
of tonight's program
is brought to you by.
(jaunty music)
- Now, I know you fellas
have had a rough time
in the first half, but
let's go out there
and win this one
for the Yom Kippur.
(laughs)
- And now folks it's
Sock It To 'Em time.
(laughs)
(upbeat music)
- It's later than
it's ever been.
(upbeat music)
(jaunty music)
- Last week we presented
the sequel to the movie
Guess Who's Coming
To Dinner, one of the first
films to depict an
interracial marriage
and we received
numerous letters.
- I guess so, they
were piled up.
- So, by popular request
we're going to present
a sequel to the sequel.
It's 20 years after
the couple married.
(paper crinkles)
- 20 years and your
mother still treats me like dirt.
When's our son
Leroy coming home?
- He should be here soon.
He says he's got
a surprise for us.
- Surprise?
- Hey mom, hey dad, hi.
Hey, I want you
to meet my fiance.
- Fiance?
(laughs)
- What, not in this family.
- Oh dad, that's my best man.
- Oh, who's this?
- This is her father.
Look here, here's the
girl I'm going to marry.
- Well, there goes
the neighborhood.
(laughs)
- A first edition is
usually a rare book,
here's a first edition
with a rare sound
and a rather unusual look.
Another Laugh In extra
folks, The First Edition.
(applause)
("Just Dropped In"
by The First Edition)
Yeah, yeah, oh yeah
What condition
my condition was in
I woke up this morning
with the sundown shinin' in
I found my mind in a
brown paper bag within
I tripped on a cloud
and fell-a eight miles high
I tore my mind on a jagged sky
I just dropped in to see
What condition
my condition was in
Yeah, yeah, oh yeah
What condition
my condition was in
I pushed my soul
in a deep dark hole
And then I followed it in
I watched myself crawlin' out
As I was a-crawlin' in
I got up so tight
I couldn't unwind
I saw so much I broke my mind
I just dropped in to
see what condition
My condition was in
("Just Dropped In"
by The First Edition)
Yeah, yeah, oh yeah
What condition
my condition was in
Someone painted "April Fool"
In big black letters
on a "Dead End" sign
I had my foot on the gas
As I left the road
and blew out my mind
Eight miles outta
Memphis and I got no spare
Eight miles straight up
downtown somewhere
I just dropped in to see
What condition
my condition was in
I said I just dropped in to see
What condition
my condition was in
Yeah, yeah, oh yeah
(applause)
- It's memory time now and
we hope you've enjoyed it
half as much as we've
enjoyed bringing it to you.
- [Man On PA] Train now
leaving for west east ports,
northwest port, and
east north port, all aboard.
- Say, isn't that Clapper's
new book you're reading there?
- Yes, it is.
- What do you think of it?
- Well, I think he
overworks the gimmick
of coincidence too much.
The whole book is
full of coincidences.
Under a law of probability,
it'd be impossible.
(laughs)
- Say, isn't that Clapper's
new book you're reading?
- Yes it is.
- What do you think of it?
- Well, actually I
think he over does
the gimmick of coincidences.
There's just nothing
but coincidences
in the whole thing.
Under the law of
probability such coincidences
would probably be impossible.
- Exactly.
(laughs)
- [Man On PA] Call for
Doctor Stotaflagicplentist.
- [All Three] That's me.
(laughs)
- Early voting results
coming in from Maine
and Vermont point the
way to a landslide victory
for Republican Alfred Landon
over Franklin Delano Roosevelt.
Plans are already underway
for the Landon victory dinner.
- Don't, don't.
- Why not?
- You'll wake up the kids.
- The pill stops inflation.
(laughs)
- Honey, don't feel bad
about not knowing who I am.
Nobody knows who
I am or what I do.
I'll level with you,
I'm a secret agent.
- Oh, you're with
William Morris.
(mellow music)
And now folks, it's
Sock It To 'Em time.
(thuds)
- That is not nice.
(upbeat music)
(laughs)
(upbeat music)
- Tonight, Mod, Mod
World takes a look at food.
- Hey, that sounds interesting.
I'm kind of sorry I missed it.
- Well, you haven't missed
it, we haven't done it yet.
We're just getting
ready to talk about it.
Now, I think everybody
should start the day
with a good breakfast.
- I always have
breakfast in bed.
- Oh yeah really, a
well balanced meal?
- Well, not this
morning, I spilled coffee
on, y jammies as
a matter of fact.
(laughs)
- Oh, so what'd
you have for lunch.
- I didn't have time.
- Dinner?
- Missed it completely.
- Well, I can see that
after the show tonight
I'm gonna have to take you out
and get you what you need.
- Well, I'll drink to that.
(laughs)
- I think so, we'll have
to start you off with
some good proteins
add some carbohydrates,
see that you get
proper nutrition.
- Oh no, I want some food.
- You know, I think the
trouble with most people
today they really don't
know anything about food.
Do you know, for
instance, that carrots
are good for your eyes?
- That's poo poo and nonsense.
- No, it's not.
- Well, I happen to have
had four carrots last night
and tripped over a bunny.
- Another wasted night
at the Playboy Club.
- No, it happened at my place.
- Oh come on, you're
not gonna tell me
that you've got a
bunny for a cook.
- Of course not.
- Well, I'm glad to hear that.
- The bunny's my butler.
(laughs)
- Is she a gourmet?
- I think so, I got her
from Steve Lawrence.
- This is a disaster.
- Did you know the average
American's 20 pounds overweight?
That's true.
Take Elizabeth Taylor.
- I'd be glad to.
- No, no.
I mean, think about her,
you know, as a public figure,
as a public person she
has to watch her figure.
- Well, everyone else
does, why shouldn't she?
- No, no as a movie star
she's very aware of her body.
- No more than I am.
(laughs)
- No, but she's always dieting.
There's crash diets,
protein diets, liquid diets.
- I had an uncle went
on that drinking man's diet
for six months.
- Oh yeah, how'd it work out?
- Great, he's about the
happiest fat man you ever saw.
(laughs)
- It isn't just food
that makes you fat.
That's what a lot of
people make that mistake.
- Yeah.
- It's lack of exercise
that'll do it to.
People don't exercise enough.
You have to tighten
up those muscles.
- Yeah, listen, a friend
of mine exercised steadily
for six months, push ups,
pull ups, and he walked
five miles a day.
- Oh, led a nice full life.
- Yeah, no 27 years
old, (blows raspberry)
went just like that.
(laughs)
- I can't believe it.
- Yeah, a truck hit him.
(laughs)
I think it was a
health food truck.
- A health food truck.
With that in mind let us
look further into the subject
as Mod, Mod World
takes a look at food.
(upbeat music)
- Good evening, I
am Mildred Manning,
founder of the Mildred
Manning Institute
for Weight Reduction.
(laughs)
Ladies and gentlemen I
can't stress this point too much
you must watch your weight.
(laughs)
Not only for health
reasons, but simply
as a matter of personal pride.
Now, the Mildred Manning
Institute has evolved
three rules based on
the psychological fact
that eating is mental.
Would you believe
that some months back
I myself had a serious
weight problem?
(laughs)
I couldn't get into this dress.
(laughs)
I looked and felt poorly.
Now, after three months
of following the three
simple rules of the
Mildred Manning Institute
I look and feel great,
and wear pretty
much what I want.
(laughs)
You too can look
and feel just like I do.
(laughs)
Be sure and watch tomorrow
night when we'll repeat
the Mildred Manning
Institute's three basic
rules for dieting.
Thank you.
(applause)
- Missus Fields, how long
have you been following
the Mildred Manning
method of weight reduction?
- Two weeks.
- And, what did you weigh
when you came to us?
- 145 pounds.
- Uh-Huh, what do you way now?
- 106 pounds.
- Well, that's wonderful.
And, there's another
testimonial to the Mildred Manning
method of weight reduction.
- Of course, having the
triplets last Thursday helped.
(laughs)
(upbeat music)
- [Woman on TV] One
two, one two, 25, four.
One two, isn't it fun?
(gun fires) (shouts)
(laughs)
- And now, our look at
the food and diet picture
continues with a noted
sociology expert, Doctor Farb.
What in your opinion
are the biggest problems
facing the American family?
- The two biggest problems
that exist in the world today
is a shortage of food, number
one, and a over abundance
from automobo-bols.
- Too little food,
too many cars.
- That is the problem.
- Is there anyway to
solve these problems?
- Yes.
(laughs)
- Well, would you tell us
what your solutions are?
- The solution is to invent
a car people can eat.
(laughs)
(upbeat music)
- And now, here are
the Laugh In Lovelies
with some musical
news about flab.
(jaunty music)
Good-Bye met-ri-cal
and cottage cheese
Hallelujah
Good-Bye low caloric
recipies Hallelujah
It's fashionable to be fat
It's fashionable to be lardy
You now can win
laurels By winning a laurel
By looking like Oliver Hardy.
It's fashionable to be plump
It's fashionable to be chubby
The new look's the big look
The new Porky Pig look
Is changing each Tammy to Tubby
Eat, eat, stretch your stomach
And soon you'll
be rolling in clover
Eat, eat, bloat your body
It's smart to look
pregnant all over
Jam it in your mouth
Cram it in your face
Ram it down your
throat Eat yourself purple
With lots of coconut macaroons
To blow you up
like big balloons.
Grab anything you
can munch on or lick
Fresh foods or refrigables
Will turn you into derigibles
They'll have to roll you
Down the street with a stick
Singing hey na-ne
na-ne, hey na-ne na-ne
Rum cake and butter sauce
Strawberry sundaes
and cherries jubilee
Hey na-ne na-ne, hey na-ne na-ne
When you're asleep at night
Try taking glucose intravenously
'Cause it's
fashionable To be gross
From your fat
flabby feet to your hat
Stop thinking in dollars
Start thinking in pounds
It's fashionable to be
Last one to the refrigerator
Is Audrey Hepburn
It's fashionable to be
Be the first one on your
block to look like one
It's fashionable
What ever happened
to Twiggy To be fat
(laughs)
(applause)
- In the last couple
of years we've been
hearing a lot of
criticism about smoking.
- And, we think a good
portion of it is unfair.
- Darn right, so tonight
the Laugh In presents
a salute to smoking.
Smoking is good for you
No matter what they say
Smoking is good for you
So just ignore the AMA
Stop and light up
every chance you get
What could be so hazardous
about a little cigarette
- I've been smoking
since I was four.
Who says it stunts your growth?
- My uncle smoked
seven packs a day
and he felt great
right up to the end.
- I smoked and the
doctor said I have
the lungs of 12 year old.
It was the first
operation of it's kind.
(laughs)
Smoking is happiness
It makes you smell so right
Although it takes it's toll of
any pigs and rats and mice
Therefore heed those
warning to our friends
You can cure insomnia if
you smoke a pack in bed
- Certainly I saved a lot of
money by rolling my own.
How do you think I could
afford this swell iron lung.
- I can stop smoking anytime.
I've already quit
twice this week.
(laughs)
- Sure smoking's dangerous,
but so is drunk driving.
- Oh, of course I
smoke, what do you want
me to do, suck my thumb?
(laughs)
- You mean stained
fingers, yellow teeth,
I've earned the right to smoke.
(laughs)
- I can't stop,
smoking's the only thing
that'll calm my nerves.
(laughs)
- The doctor says I should quit,
but that's just
one man's opinion.
(laughs)
- You know, smoking
usually doesn't get to you
until you're around 50, so
when I turn 49 I'm quitting.
(laughs)
(rain patters)
(laughs)
(coughs)
(laughs)
(shouts)
Smoking is good for you
It keeps your breath so clean
Light up and fill your lungs
With tons of tar and nicotine
Grab a carton and
rip the cover off
Smoke the whole thing
nevermind the cough
You will all be happy if you do
'Cause smoking (cough)
Is good (cough)
For (cough)
You (cough)
(coughs)
(applause)
- Let's hear it for smoking.
- Let's hear it for smoking.
(coughs)
(upbeat music)
(thuds)
(laughs)
(funny music)
- Well, it's time to
say good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- [Both] Good night, Dick.
- Hey, next week we have
a great line up for you...
- Wonder if you'd
mind if I said something
my great-grandmother
once said to me.
- I'm afraid we're out of time.
Next week our guests...
- She was caught in the
backseat of a Pierce Arrow
with a live moose at the time.
(laughs)
- Oh, I'm happy you
told us about that.
I want you to be
sure and tune in...
- I thought perhaps what
she said when she got
out of the backseat would
be of interest to the folks.
- She had something
to say when she got out
of that backseat?
- Almost immediately.
(laughs)
- What did she say?
- Well, as my great
grandmother got out of
the backseat of the Pierce Arrow
escaping from a
live moose she said,
(laughs)
well, I better not tell
you what she said.
(laughs)
- Say good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night everybody, I
hope you enjoyed yourself.
(applause)
- Knock, knock.
- Who's there?
- Abraham Lincoln.
- Abraham Lincoln, who?
- Tell me, don't you know me?
(laughs)
Three blind mice
Three blind mice
See how they run
See how they run
- Banging and
crashing into everything.
(laughs)
- Hit the floor, Willy.
- I finally found the perfect
secretary, an anteater.
- Anteaters can't type.
- No, but she's great
at licking envelopes.
(laughs)
- Knock, knock.
- Who's there?
- Corky theater.
- Corky theater who?
- Corky theater I
thought (mumbles).
- Get out of here.
- Fritz' gone find Ray Charles.
- Of all the fishes in the
sea the one I like best
is bass, it's climbs on
all the rocks and trees
and slides down on
it's hands and knees.
- Knock, knock.
- Who's there?
- Wasn't Abe.
- Wasn't Abe, who?
- Wasn't Abe Lincoln
there a moment ago?
- Does the name Alexander
Graham ring a bell?
- Very interesting.
- Joe Lewis, how
does that hit ya?
- Octopus, how
does that grab ya?
- Do the name Ruby
Begonia ring a bell?
- Does the name
Big Ben ring a bell?
- Knock, knock.
- Who's there?
- Not brown.
- Hey, let's all get behind
President Johnson, and push.
- Does the name
McDonald ring a bell?
- You know, I'm
gonna have to stop this
after a while if you don't
tell me what your name is.
(laughs)
- Okay, honey my name
is Robert Culp.
- Robert Culp?
Robert Culp!
Oh, how fantastic.
I Spy is one of my
favorite television series.
- Well, I hope so.
- Oh, and there's
an actor on it,
he has the same name as you do.
- Yes.
Yeah, yes.
I'm that actor honey.
- You are?
- Well, I think
you better leave.
You weren't
invited to this party.
(laughs)
- Sheldon, one of us has failed.
(upbeat music)
(mellow music)
- Very interesting.
- The preceding
was recorded earlier
because the cast is
having a big party right now.
(laughs)
- [Narrator] The following
program is brought to you
in living color on NBC.
(humming)
- Last week at this time
NBC presented the first
in a series of
television shows entitled
Rowan and Martin's Laugh In.
Now, the reaction
was tremendous.
In spite of this and in
defiance of numerous requests
tonight NBC is once more
going to sock it to you.
- Unfortunately, he is correct.
- Hey, I didn't know that.
- Tonight, from their
beautiful studios in
downtown Burbank NBC presents
Rowan and Martin's Laugh In,
starring Dan Rowan,
(upbeat 60s music)
and Dick Martin.
With guest stars Robert Culp,
Rip Wilson, The First Edition,
with Judy Carne, Arte Johnson,
and Eileen Brennan, Ruth Buzzi,
Henry Gibson, Muriel Landers,
Roddy Maude-Roxby,
Jo Anne Worley,
yours truly Gary Owens,
and by popular demand
Morgul as the Friendly Drelb.
- And me, I'm Ed McMahon.
- [Narrator] Tonight's
program is brought to you by.
(upbeat 60s music)
- And now, on with the show.
And, here are your
favorites and mine,
two real nice guys
and very good friends.
Dick Rowan and Dan Martin.
(laughs)
Dick, Rowan and Merlin.
(laughs)
Dumberland and Ro,
Roman and Merlin.
(laughs)
So, let's bring 'em on.
(laughs)
Friends of mine
Rowan and Marvin.
(laughs)
Here they are folks.
(applause)
- Evening.
- Hey.
- It's very nice of
you to join us for this,
the second in the
Laugh In series.
- And, if I may I'd
like to add to that,
that if you get there soon
enough and shove enough
under the door that you
could beat your uncle home.
(laughs)
- Hey, I kinda missed seeing
you this week after rehearsals.
You've been cutting out
like somebody's after you.
Some of the cast is
beginning to think you're
stuck up or something.
Where you been?
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I have to stick pretty close
to my apartment, you know.
- [Dan] Why?
- I'm having it redone.
- You're decorating
your apartment?
- Yeah.
- You doing it yourself?
- No, I hired a decorator.
He flies in and out.
- He's from out of town?
- Well, you might say that.
You might, I wouldn't.
- What's his name?
- Bruce.
- Bruce what?
- Bruce Bruce.
- I don't think I've
ever heard of him.
- Well, that's strange
'cause he's decorated
some of the most
famous places in the world.
- Like whose?
- Well, he just finished
Doctor Scholl's pad.
(laughs)
That's a little foot joke.
- Yes.
(laughs)
- And, they get
away with murder.
- Well, you've got a
decorator that's a kook.
- No sir, that's
what it's really like,
you kidding me he's made a
couple of great suggestions.
- Like what?
- You remember that, the
far end of my living room
the wall there?
- The one with all
the book shelves.
- Yeah, not any more though.
He took all the
bookshelves and the wall out
and it's all glass
now, floor to ceiling,
wall to wall glass.
It's one huge picture window.
- What for?
- Well, Bruce feels
that he'd like to bring
the outside in.
- You know, that's
not a bad idea.
I forget which end of
the building that wall's,
what's your view down there.
- Well, that's the
hang up, you see.
Actually, it's a bad
turn on the freeway.
(laughs)
- Well, that brings
the outside in.
- A 1938 Essex
and two hitch hikers.
- Last night?
You're getting 'em all.
I think you're just
throwing your money away
with this guy.
- Are you kidding?
Bruce did some wonderful
things in my bedroom.
- [Dan] Like what?
- Well, he put a skylight
right in the ceiling.
- Oh hey, that's a good idea.
I like those skylights,
it's great to lie in bed
and see a nice view.
- Oh, I love it.
I don't think the couple
upstairs are too crazy about it.
(laughs)
- Looks like you've
gone and done it again.
- Well listen, you can
be your own judge.
We're having a little party.
I'm gonna throw a little
housewarming party
and you're invited.
- Well, I'll reciprocate,
we're having a little party here
and you're invited.
- When?
- Right now, as a matter
of fact you're invited too,
so come on along.
- [Dick] Come on.
(applause)
(upbeat 60s music)
- May I ask a personal question?
- Yes, my child, anything.
- Who are you and
what are you doing here?
(upbeat 60s music)
- My brother's a Quaker.
Some of his best
Jews are friends.
(upbeat 60s music)
- Well, Boris says a
hippie is what comes
just above the kneesies.
(laughs)
You nut.
(upbeat 60s music)
- The ugly people
know who they are.
(laughs) (upbeat 60s music)
- I wanted to have a
nose job but Harry said
it would be like
putting a luggage rack
on a 1953 Desoto.
(laughs) (upbeat 60s music)
- As it is said Rom
Shadndagar the sorrows of man
are thousandfold,
but it is the camel
that has but one hump.
(laughs) (upbeat 60s music)
- Well, is it true that British
women are more reserved?
- No, I wouldn't say that.
I suppose it's not a bad
idea to give them a call first.
(laughs) (upbeat 60s music)
- Adam and Eve,
Anthony and Cleopatra,
Liz and Dick, and
now you and me.
(laughs) (upbeat 60s music)
- Oh, I know I've
seen you somewhere.
Give me another clue, go on.
- Well, does the name Bill
Cosby mean anything to you?
- Oh of course.
- Of course.
- Bill Cosby.
I'm dreaming of
a white christmas
(laughs) (upbeat 60s music)
- In the words of the Maharishi
if the laughing hyena laughs
but the grizzly bear
does not grizzle,
what then of the horned toad?
(laughs) (upbeat 60s music)
- No, actually it's in Idaho.
- Would you mind
saying that again?
- Idaho.
- That's frightfully interesting,
we pronounce it Ohio.
(laughs) (upbeat 60s music)
(growls)
- You show me a girl
who growls like that
and I'll show you a tiger.
- My last boyfriend's
mother used to say that.
Funny, his name was Dickie, too.
- Mom always did like him best.
(laughs)
(upbeat 60s music)
(applause)
(mellow music)
- And now folks, it's
Sock It To 'Em time.
- Sock it to me, sock
it to me, sock it to me.
- Sock it to me, sock
it to me, sock it to me?
(laughs)
(upbeat 60s music)
(laughs)
(upbeat 60s music)
- A gift from a fan in Detroit.
(upbeat 60s music)
- Well, hello out
there in video land.
Once again it's New Talent time.
- You're not... (fanfare)
Is that the new talent?
- No, that's the same old band.
- Oh, good.
- Say, have I got a
surprise for you tonight.
- You're not gonna bring
back old Tiny Tim, are ya?
- Oh, no, no not tonight.
Here's one of her
majesties Grendier Guards,
Corporal Roddy Maude-Roxby.
(British fanfare)
(shouting)
That's Roddy Maude-Roxby.
- Well, that's some of the
best marching I've ever seen.
(applause)
Well, that's wonderful.
- Wait a minute.
- Who's next.
- Wait a minute,
he hasn't done it yet.
- He hasn't done it, huh?
- No.
(laughs)
- I've got a feeling
he's going to, though.
(laughs)
Do you sing or dance?
- No sir, we're not allowed
sing sir, not in the regiment.
Sir, not in uniform, you see.
If you wanna have a
song you have to take
the uniform off.
After lights out in
the barracks you may
hear the odd solider
having a bit of song, you see.
That'd be your odd
soldier, you see.
No, we don't sing in the
regiment sir, nor dance, you see.
Dancing is frowned
on in uniform.
We're not allowed
to dance in uniform.
Turn a parade into a mockery.
No, we couldn't have lots of
people dancing around, you see.
If they wanna have a
dance after lights out
in the barracks you
may find the odd solider
having a bit of a
dance, you see.
But, that would only
be your odd soldier.
No sir, dancing is
definitely out, you see.
Not allowed that at all, sir.
We are guardsmen,
you see, we guard things.
Technically speaking
we stand at guard
by a palace or a head
of state or a bridge
and he's guarding it, you see.
Even if I wander up and
down, technically speaking
I'm on guard at this moment.
I am guarding you, you see.
You could say I'm on
guard right beside you.
Of course, the on guard
position is arrived at
by shouting "On guard, right".
(shouts)
That's on guard you
see sir against someone
coming from that
direction, obviously you see.
It'd be useless from someone
coming from over there.
Then we go, "On
guard, left, on guard, left.
"Halt and deliver
the Queen's keys.
"Advance and be recognized."
- Somebody lost
the Queen's keys?
- I am here sir
to read the poem,
recite the poem with which I won
the reciting prize for the
British Army you see, sir.
- Good.
- This was in Edinburgh in 1956.
I was stood on top of a
wall at Ediburgh Castle
you see in 1956 and
I recited my poem.
Of course, the audience
couldn't hear me.
They were way down there,
they hadn't got a blind chance.
If one of them had come up there
they'd have heard me reciting.
I go back to the sergeant
Major, I report to him,
he asks me, "Did
you recite your poem?"
I say, "Yes".
He takes my word for it, he
asks me my name and number.
I got both those right I
get my prize, you see.
There is another prize,
that is for reciting poetry
in the face of the enemy.
This is very difficult
you see I have to get
right up to the enemy,
recite into his face.
Very hard for one to
complete the poem, you see.
I shall now go and look for
a wall and recite my poem.
(shouts)
(British fanfare)
(applause)
- He's taller than
Tiny Tim, isn't he?
- He's gonna go out
there and recite the poem.
We'll hear about that later.
Now, we have a
really unusual act.
- That one wasn't unusual.
(laughs)
- No, no.
- That's your
everyday, run of the mill
thing you see on Dean
Martin every week.
- That's pretty weird, man.
- Yes sir, boy.
- I got one for
you in that case.
- Oh, you have one?
- You know, talent
lurks in many places.
- That's true.
- Our roving talent
scout found a PTA mother
who was cross
walk lady right here
in downtown fashionable Burbank.
Ladies and gentlemen, is
there a downtown Burbank?
- Yes there is, and
that's where she's from.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
Missus Eileen Brennan.
- There she is.
(applause)
(mellow music)
Remember your name and address
And telephone number too
And if some day
you lose your way
You know just what to do
Walk up to a kind police man
The very first one you meet
And simply say I've lost my way
I cannot find my street
But I know my name And address
And telephone number too
And he'll be kind
And help you find
The dear ones who wait For you
(applause)
- Didn't have cross walk
guards like that in my day.
- That oughta save a few lives.
- On our special last fall
we introduced a famous
rock and roll singer from
behind the Iron Curtain.
Tonight, due to numerous
requests, we're bringing
him back for a
return engagement.
- Yes.
- Yeah, ladies and
gentlemen Pierto Dismanko.
(applause)
Good evening Mister Dismanko.
- It's very nice.
- It's certainly a
pleasure to have you back
on the show tonight.
- I like to for coming here.
- You're going to
sing a folk song?
- No, for the first time
I'm going to sing a song
from the musical
theaters of our people.
- Oh, it's musical tune
from your own show.
- It's one of this
brand new song.
- [Dan] New song?
- Introducing for the first.
- [Dan] A Russian?
- For the first time.
- [Dan] Oh, wonderful.
- This song in this place.
(singing in foreign language)
(laughs)
(applause)
- Beautiful.
Well, that about wraps
it up for our new talent
department for tonight.
- And, remember to
vote for your favorite.
Put your name and
measurements on the back
of a self-addressed
stamped photograph.
- That was dumb.
- We're gonna see
that you get yours.
- That's right.
- And, remember this folks
who knows when the fickle
finger of fate may
beckon you to start 'em.
- And good night Tiny
Tim wherever you are.
(laughs)
(applause)
- This is your off stage
announcer reminding you
that I have an upset stomach.
- The biggest thing that
happened to you guys
is when they put
you on the nickel.
(laughs)
- I've seen you someplace, I
know I've seen you some where.
- All right, I'll give
you another hint.
I'll make it easy for you.
What do you do every
Monday night between 10 and 11
or nine and 10 Central Time.
- Oh, I always stay home
and watch my favorite TV show.
- Well, I certainly hope
so, Stanley, okay now.
- Oh, that's funny, you
don't look like Carol Burnett.
(laughs)
- I just wanna swing.
(mellow music)
- And now folks, it's
sock it to 'em time.
- [Narrator] Sock it
to me, sock it to me.
- Sock it to me, sock
it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me.
- Sock it to him?
(upbeat 60s music)
- Don't tell me about Johnson.
He's done some
pretty great things,
like his war on puberty.
- I would like a
chocolate malted, please.
- Chocolate malted, sure lady.
Hey, would you
like an egg in it.
- Yes.
- Okay.
(laughs)
(upbeat music)
(laughs)
(quirky music)
(laughs)
(blows raspberry)
- And now, it's time
for Rowan and Martin's
look at the news, past,
present, and future.
What's the news
across the nation
We have all the information
We report the news, news
We report on News
Ladies and gents let's
hear most of the news
Here's Dan (applause)
- Thank you, and now once
again Rowan and Martin
looks at the news
past, present, and future.
And now, with the news of today
here's Dickie.
(applause)
- Greetings friends, may
the bluebird of happiness
hatch in your hair piece.
(laughs)
Here's some names in the news:
Linden, Hubert, Bobby, Liz,
Mervin, Leroy, Irving,
and Morgul as
the Friendly Drelb.
Next, here's today's big story.
- Hey, that doesn't make sense.
- NBC announced that
in spite of the highest
ratings ever for the Bob
Hope Christmas show
they intend to cancel
that Viet Nam war.
Fashion News from
Paris, French designers say
that 1968 will see the
end of the short skirt,
long earrings, and
textured stockings
while women's fashions will
remain essentially the same.
(laughs)
And now, we take you
to our man in Pittsburgh.
What's happening
in Pittsburgh, Bob?
Okay, and now for
a look into the future
with the news, headlines,
20 years from now,
and here's Dan Rowan.
(drum roll)
- 1988 from the
capitol of France
in Quebec, Canada (laughs)
General DeGualle
announced that from now on
his birthday will be
celebrated on December 25th.
(laughs)
Sacramento, 1988
Governor Ronald Regan announced
a generous increase in
California Medicare benefits.
The ailing Governor is 65 today.
(laughs)
(applause)
Here's some more news in
the future, 20 years from now.
Dublin, 1988 with marriage in
the church recently sactioned
the Arch Bishop
and his lovely bride
Sister Mary Catherine said,
"This time it's for keeps."
(laughs)
Now, here's the
news of the past.
Back to you, Dick.
- The so called modern
trend in topical and political
comedy in America today
began, in fact, when there
were only 13 colonies.
We take you back 200
years to the colonial Boston,
where it's show
time at the colonial
Copper Kettle Coffee Kitchen.
(applause)
(upbeat swing music)
(applause)
- Yeah, it's nice to back.
I always tell my friends
this is my favorite place.
You know, I never
can wait to get back
to the Copper Kettle,
my favorite place.
I always look at the audience,
you know you got a lot of
ugly people in the audience
here at the Copper
Kettle, but I like them.
(hums)
Ben Franklin got married,
did you hear about that?
Yeah, he married a
model up in Philadelphia.
(whistles)
Fox.
(laughs)
Big time model,
that's her picture
on the front of those
mother's oats boxes.
(laughs)
You know, I started
here at the Copper Kettle.
I used to hold the
little horses out front.
(laughs)
(applause)
Well, I gotta go,
besides a guy just rode by
and said, "The
British are coming."
Good night, folks.
(applause) (upbeat swing music)
- Each week we present
the Horatio Alger award.
- I didn't know that.
- To the person who
has opened up new vistas
in industry and science to
help make America great.
And, this week's winner
is George W. Young,
a man of great
courage and vision.
Good evening Mister Young.
- Yes.
- I'd certainly like
to congratulate you
on winning the
Horatio Alger award.
- Yes.
- I see you're hard at work
on a new project, are you?
- Yes, my new
venture, my railroad.
- Oh, you bought a railroad.
- No, I'm building a railroad.
(laughs)
- Building a railroad?
- Yes.
- Well, that hasn't been
done for over 100 years.
- Yes, that's true.
Sir, I have a crew
working from the west coast
and one from the...
- This is the east coast
over here, Mister Young.
- Yes, thank you young man.
Tricky, these maps.
(laughs)
In any event, I have a
crew working from this coast
and one from that coast.
- Yes.
- They're slowly moving
towards each other.
Eventually, within
a few short months
they will meet in downtown
Omaha, Nebraska.
- I see.
- From that moment
forward, sir, with the driving
of this golden spike
you will be able to travel
from New York to California
in less than eight days.
(laughs)
- Just zip right across
the country there, huh?
- Yes indeed, sir.
- Well, how's your
project going along?
- Fine, yes, 100%.
- [Dan] Is that so?
At this moment we
have at least a half a mile
of track laid already.
- Oh really, a half a mile?
Where is it, on the east
coast or the west coast?
- Yes.
(laughs)
All those places, well of
course, it's not connected yet.
- Oh, of course not.
- We have one and half
yard in New York City alone.
We have five inches
outside of Pittsburgh,
200 feet near Des Moines,
Iowa, approximately 80 yards
somewhere due
west of Elko, Nevada.
(laughs)
Of course, you understand,
the greatest difficulty
has been the
purchasing of the land.
- The land.
- Yes, a lot of the
settlers won't sell.
(laughs)
- Well, I see you're
pretty busy Mister Young
so I'll just toddle
along, thank you.
- I wanna thank you for
your help with the map.
You're a fine young man,
wanna be a switchman?
- No, I'd sure like to drive
that golden spike, though.
- This one?
- Yeah.
- Sure you will, by all means.
That's the 45th guy that
wants to drive the golden spike.
Are they kidding?
I'm gonna drive
the golden spike.
Toot, toot.
(cheerful music)
(applause)
- Well, that's about it for
the Rowan and Martin report,
tune in next week when
Laugh In looks at the news
past, present, and future.
- And remember...
I forgot, I don't know.
(laughs)
(applause)
- For those of you
in our radio audience
Dan Rowan is the
taller of the two.
(laughs)
- Hey you guys, how 'bout
a game of mixed doubles?
(laughs)
- Don't look so glum,
we're on television.
- Hi there.
(upbeat music)
- Hash is better than turkey,
by Henry Gibson.
Hash is better than turkey
because you don't have
to run so far to catch it.
In edition, it's a
crusty old food stuff
and provides an escape
from traditional fowl.
But, most of all,
it is featherless.
Cowboys like hash too
because it gives them
a reason to turn on the range.
(laughs)
(jaunty music)
- Knish.
(mellow music)
- It's time for a station break.
- No, actually what it is is
it's time for a station break.
- Yeah, okay.
(crash)
- Now for an interesting
change of pace.
And now friends, our
thought for the day.
Dip your pens in sunshine,
and write to a shut-in.
- The second half
of tonight's program
is brought to you by.
(jaunty music)
- Now, I know you fellas
have had a rough time
in the first half, but
let's go out there
and win this one
for the Yom Kippur.
(laughs)
- And now folks it's
Sock It To 'Em time.
(laughs)
(upbeat music)
- It's later than
it's ever been.
(upbeat music)
(jaunty music)
- Last week we presented
the sequel to the movie
Guess Who's Coming
To Dinner, one of the first
films to depict an
interracial marriage
and we received
numerous letters.
- I guess so, they
were piled up.
- So, by popular request
we're going to present
a sequel to the sequel.
It's 20 years after
the couple married.
(paper crinkles)
- 20 years and your
mother still treats me like dirt.
When's our son
Leroy coming home?
- He should be here soon.
He says he's got
a surprise for us.
- Surprise?
- Hey mom, hey dad, hi.
Hey, I want you
to meet my fiance.
- Fiance?
(laughs)
- What, not in this family.
- Oh dad, that's my best man.
- Oh, who's this?
- This is her father.
Look here, here's the
girl I'm going to marry.
- Well, there goes
the neighborhood.
(laughs)
- A first edition is
usually a rare book,
here's a first edition
with a rare sound
and a rather unusual look.
Another Laugh In extra
folks, The First Edition.
(applause)
("Just Dropped In"
by The First Edition)
Yeah, yeah, oh yeah
What condition
my condition was in
I woke up this morning
with the sundown shinin' in
I found my mind in a
brown paper bag within
I tripped on a cloud
and fell-a eight miles high
I tore my mind on a jagged sky
I just dropped in to see
What condition
my condition was in
Yeah, yeah, oh yeah
What condition
my condition was in
I pushed my soul
in a deep dark hole
And then I followed it in
I watched myself crawlin' out
As I was a-crawlin' in
I got up so tight
I couldn't unwind
I saw so much I broke my mind
I just dropped in to
see what condition
My condition was in
("Just Dropped In"
by The First Edition)
Yeah, yeah, oh yeah
What condition
my condition was in
Someone painted "April Fool"
In big black letters
on a "Dead End" sign
I had my foot on the gas
As I left the road
and blew out my mind
Eight miles outta
Memphis and I got no spare
Eight miles straight up
downtown somewhere
I just dropped in to see
What condition
my condition was in
I said I just dropped in to see
What condition
my condition was in
Yeah, yeah, oh yeah
(applause)
- It's memory time now and
we hope you've enjoyed it
half as much as we've
enjoyed bringing it to you.
- [Man On PA] Train now
leaving for west east ports,
northwest port, and
east north port, all aboard.
- Say, isn't that Clapper's
new book you're reading there?
- Yes, it is.
- What do you think of it?
- Well, I think he
overworks the gimmick
of coincidence too much.
The whole book is
full of coincidences.
Under a law of probability,
it'd be impossible.
(laughs)
- Say, isn't that Clapper's
new book you're reading?
- Yes it is.
- What do you think of it?
- Well, actually I
think he over does
the gimmick of coincidences.
There's just nothing
but coincidences
in the whole thing.
Under the law of
probability such coincidences
would probably be impossible.
- Exactly.
(laughs)
- [Man On PA] Call for
Doctor Stotaflagicplentist.
- [All Three] That's me.
(laughs)
- Early voting results
coming in from Maine
and Vermont point the
way to a landslide victory
for Republican Alfred Landon
over Franklin Delano Roosevelt.
Plans are already underway
for the Landon victory dinner.
- Don't, don't.
- Why not?
- You'll wake up the kids.
- The pill stops inflation.
(laughs)
- Honey, don't feel bad
about not knowing who I am.
Nobody knows who
I am or what I do.
I'll level with you,
I'm a secret agent.
- Oh, you're with
William Morris.
(mellow music)
And now folks, it's
Sock It To 'Em time.
(thuds)
- That is not nice.
(upbeat music)
(laughs)
(upbeat music)
- Tonight, Mod, Mod
World takes a look at food.
- Hey, that sounds interesting.
I'm kind of sorry I missed it.
- Well, you haven't missed
it, we haven't done it yet.
We're just getting
ready to talk about it.
Now, I think everybody
should start the day
with a good breakfast.
- I always have
breakfast in bed.
- Oh yeah really, a
well balanced meal?
- Well, not this
morning, I spilled coffee
on, y jammies as
a matter of fact.
(laughs)
- Oh, so what'd
you have for lunch.
- I didn't have time.
- Dinner?
- Missed it completely.
- Well, I can see that
after the show tonight
I'm gonna have to take you out
and get you what you need.
- Well, I'll drink to that.
(laughs)
- I think so, we'll have
to start you off with
some good proteins
add some carbohydrates,
see that you get
proper nutrition.
- Oh no, I want some food.
- You know, I think the
trouble with most people
today they really don't
know anything about food.
Do you know, for
instance, that carrots
are good for your eyes?
- That's poo poo and nonsense.
- No, it's not.
- Well, I happen to have
had four carrots last night
and tripped over a bunny.
- Another wasted night
at the Playboy Club.
- No, it happened at my place.
- Oh come on, you're
not gonna tell me
that you've got a
bunny for a cook.
- Of course not.
- Well, I'm glad to hear that.
- The bunny's my butler.
(laughs)
- Is she a gourmet?
- I think so, I got her
from Steve Lawrence.
- This is a disaster.
- Did you know the average
American's 20 pounds overweight?
That's true.
Take Elizabeth Taylor.
- I'd be glad to.
- No, no.
I mean, think about her,
you know, as a public figure,
as a public person she
has to watch her figure.
- Well, everyone else
does, why shouldn't she?
- No, no as a movie star
she's very aware of her body.
- No more than I am.
(laughs)
- No, but she's always dieting.
There's crash diets,
protein diets, liquid diets.
- I had an uncle went
on that drinking man's diet
for six months.
- Oh yeah, how'd it work out?
- Great, he's about the
happiest fat man you ever saw.
(laughs)
- It isn't just food
that makes you fat.
That's what a lot of
people make that mistake.
- Yeah.
- It's lack of exercise
that'll do it to.
People don't exercise enough.
You have to tighten
up those muscles.
- Yeah, listen, a friend
of mine exercised steadily
for six months, push ups,
pull ups, and he walked
five miles a day.
- Oh, led a nice full life.
- Yeah, no 27 years
old, (blows raspberry)
went just like that.
(laughs)
- I can't believe it.
- Yeah, a truck hit him.
(laughs)
I think it was a
health food truck.
- A health food truck.
With that in mind let us
look further into the subject
as Mod, Mod World
takes a look at food.
(upbeat music)
- Good evening, I
am Mildred Manning,
founder of the Mildred
Manning Institute
for Weight Reduction.
(laughs)
Ladies and gentlemen I
can't stress this point too much
you must watch your weight.
(laughs)
Not only for health
reasons, but simply
as a matter of personal pride.
Now, the Mildred Manning
Institute has evolved
three rules based on
the psychological fact
that eating is mental.
Would you believe
that some months back
I myself had a serious
weight problem?
(laughs)
I couldn't get into this dress.
(laughs)
I looked and felt poorly.
Now, after three months
of following the three
simple rules of the
Mildred Manning Institute
I look and feel great,
and wear pretty
much what I want.
(laughs)
You too can look
and feel just like I do.
(laughs)
Be sure and watch tomorrow
night when we'll repeat
the Mildred Manning
Institute's three basic
rules for dieting.
Thank you.
(applause)
- Missus Fields, how long
have you been following
the Mildred Manning
method of weight reduction?
- Two weeks.
- And, what did you weigh
when you came to us?
- 145 pounds.
- Uh-Huh, what do you way now?
- 106 pounds.
- Well, that's wonderful.
And, there's another
testimonial to the Mildred Manning
method of weight reduction.
- Of course, having the
triplets last Thursday helped.
(laughs)
(upbeat music)
- [Woman on TV] One
two, one two, 25, four.
One two, isn't it fun?
(gun fires) (shouts)
(laughs)
- And now, our look at
the food and diet picture
continues with a noted
sociology expert, Doctor Farb.
What in your opinion
are the biggest problems
facing the American family?
- The two biggest problems
that exist in the world today
is a shortage of food, number
one, and a over abundance
from automobo-bols.
- Too little food,
too many cars.
- That is the problem.
- Is there anyway to
solve these problems?
- Yes.
(laughs)
- Well, would you tell us
what your solutions are?
- The solution is to invent
a car people can eat.
(laughs)
(upbeat music)
- And now, here are
the Laugh In Lovelies
with some musical
news about flab.
(jaunty music)
Good-Bye met-ri-cal
and cottage cheese
Hallelujah
Good-Bye low caloric
recipies Hallelujah
It's fashionable to be fat
It's fashionable to be lardy
You now can win
laurels By winning a laurel
By looking like Oliver Hardy.
It's fashionable to be plump
It's fashionable to be chubby
The new look's the big look
The new Porky Pig look
Is changing each Tammy to Tubby
Eat, eat, stretch your stomach
And soon you'll
be rolling in clover
Eat, eat, bloat your body
It's smart to look
pregnant all over
Jam it in your mouth
Cram it in your face
Ram it down your
throat Eat yourself purple
With lots of coconut macaroons
To blow you up
like big balloons.
Grab anything you
can munch on or lick
Fresh foods or refrigables
Will turn you into derigibles
They'll have to roll you
Down the street with a stick
Singing hey na-ne
na-ne, hey na-ne na-ne
Rum cake and butter sauce
Strawberry sundaes
and cherries jubilee
Hey na-ne na-ne, hey na-ne na-ne
When you're asleep at night
Try taking glucose intravenously
'Cause it's
fashionable To be gross
From your fat
flabby feet to your hat
Stop thinking in dollars
Start thinking in pounds
It's fashionable to be
Last one to the refrigerator
Is Audrey Hepburn
It's fashionable to be
Be the first one on your
block to look like one
It's fashionable
What ever happened
to Twiggy To be fat
(laughs)
(applause)
- In the last couple
of years we've been
hearing a lot of
criticism about smoking.
- And, we think a good
portion of it is unfair.
- Darn right, so tonight
the Laugh In presents
a salute to smoking.
Smoking is good for you
No matter what they say
Smoking is good for you
So just ignore the AMA
Stop and light up
every chance you get
What could be so hazardous
about a little cigarette
- I've been smoking
since I was four.
Who says it stunts your growth?
- My uncle smoked
seven packs a day
and he felt great
right up to the end.
- I smoked and the
doctor said I have
the lungs of 12 year old.
It was the first
operation of it's kind.
(laughs)
Smoking is happiness
It makes you smell so right
Although it takes it's toll of
any pigs and rats and mice
Therefore heed those
warning to our friends
You can cure insomnia if
you smoke a pack in bed
- Certainly I saved a lot of
money by rolling my own.
How do you think I could
afford this swell iron lung.
- I can stop smoking anytime.
I've already quit
twice this week.
(laughs)
- Sure smoking's dangerous,
but so is drunk driving.
- Oh, of course I
smoke, what do you want
me to do, suck my thumb?
(laughs)
- You mean stained
fingers, yellow teeth,
I've earned the right to smoke.
(laughs)
- I can't stop,
smoking's the only thing
that'll calm my nerves.
(laughs)
- The doctor says I should quit,
but that's just
one man's opinion.
(laughs)
- You know, smoking
usually doesn't get to you
until you're around 50, so
when I turn 49 I'm quitting.
(laughs)
(rain patters)
(laughs)
(coughs)
(laughs)
(shouts)
Smoking is good for you
It keeps your breath so clean
Light up and fill your lungs
With tons of tar and nicotine
Grab a carton and
rip the cover off
Smoke the whole thing
nevermind the cough
You will all be happy if you do
'Cause smoking (cough)
Is good (cough)
For (cough)
You (cough)
(coughs)
(applause)
- Let's hear it for smoking.
- Let's hear it for smoking.
(coughs)
(upbeat music)
(thuds)
(laughs)
(funny music)
- Well, it's time to
say good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- [Both] Good night, Dick.
- Hey, next week we have
a great line up for you...
- Wonder if you'd
mind if I said something
my great-grandmother
once said to me.
- I'm afraid we're out of time.
Next week our guests...
- She was caught in the
backseat of a Pierce Arrow
with a live moose at the time.
(laughs)
- Oh, I'm happy you
told us about that.
I want you to be
sure and tune in...
- I thought perhaps what
she said when she got
out of the backseat would
be of interest to the folks.
- She had something
to say when she got out
of that backseat?
- Almost immediately.
(laughs)
- What did she say?
- Well, as my great
grandmother got out of
the backseat of the Pierce Arrow
escaping from a
live moose she said,
(laughs)
well, I better not tell
you what she said.
(laughs)
- Say good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night everybody, I
hope you enjoyed yourself.
(applause)
- Knock, knock.
- Who's there?
- Abraham Lincoln.
- Abraham Lincoln, who?
- Tell me, don't you know me?
(laughs)
Three blind mice
Three blind mice
See how they run
See how they run
- Banging and
crashing into everything.
(laughs)
- Hit the floor, Willy.
- I finally found the perfect
secretary, an anteater.
- Anteaters can't type.
- No, but she's great
at licking envelopes.
(laughs)
- Knock, knock.
- Who's there?
- Corky theater.
- Corky theater who?
- Corky theater I
thought (mumbles).
- Get out of here.
- Fritz' gone find Ray Charles.
- Of all the fishes in the
sea the one I like best
is bass, it's climbs on
all the rocks and trees
and slides down on
it's hands and knees.
- Knock, knock.
- Who's there?
- Wasn't Abe.
- Wasn't Abe, who?
- Wasn't Abe Lincoln
there a moment ago?
- Does the name Alexander
Graham ring a bell?
- Very interesting.
- Joe Lewis, how
does that hit ya?
- Octopus, how
does that grab ya?
- Do the name Ruby
Begonia ring a bell?
- Does the name
Big Ben ring a bell?
- Knock, knock.
- Who's there?
- Not brown.
- Hey, let's all get behind
President Johnson, and push.
- Does the name
McDonald ring a bell?
- You know, I'm
gonna have to stop this
after a while if you don't
tell me what your name is.
(laughs)
- Okay, honey my name
is Robert Culp.
- Robert Culp?
Robert Culp!
Oh, how fantastic.
I Spy is one of my
favorite television series.
- Well, I hope so.
- Oh, and there's
an actor on it,
he has the same name as you do.
- Yes.
Yeah, yes.
I'm that actor honey.
- You are?
- Well, I think
you better leave.
You weren't
invited to this party.
(laughs)
- Sheldon, one of us has failed.
(upbeat music)
(mellow music)
- Very interesting.
- The preceding
was recorded earlier
because the cast is
having a big party right now.
(laughs)