Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 0, Episode 0 - Pilot - full transcript

(dreamy music)

- [Announcer] The following
program is brought to you

in living color on NBC.

(bell rings)

- Hear ye', hear ye'.

(thuds)
(audience laughing)

- [Announcer] Tonight from
practically everywhere

it's Dan Rowan and Dick
Martin's Laugh-In.

(shrill laughing)

Would you shut up?

(audience applauding)



(drum rolling)

- [Announcer] With guest
stars Pam Austin,

Ken Berry,

Judy Carne,

Barbara Feldon.

And featuring Ruth Buzzi,

Henry Gibson,

Larry Hovis,

Arte Johnson,

Monte Landis,

Jo Anne Worley,

Paul Weston and his orchestra,

and lots more.

(energetic marching music)



(audience applauding)

And now folks, here are
the stars of Laugh-In,

Dan Rowan and Dick Martin.

(audience applauding)

- Good evening.

- Hey.

- Good evening ladies
and gentlemen

and welcome to television's
first Laugh-In.

Now for the past few years
we've all been hearing

an awful lot about
the various ins.

- I've been reading a
lot about it in magazines

and newspapers and periodicals.

- Yeah.
(audience laughs)

Now there have been be-ins,
and love-ins,

and sleep-ins,

- Drive-Ins.

- No, that's not the kind of in

we're talking about.
- Oh.

- Now this is a laugh-in, and
a laugh-in is a frame of mind.

For the next hour we'd just
like you to sit back and laugh

and forget about the other ins.

- What's that?

- Well, that's a symbol.

- Looks just like a rose.

(audience laughing)

- Well, it is a rose.

But it is a symbol of
flower power.

- Flower power?

- That's right, that
symbolizes peace and beauty.

It symbolizes a return to
simple nature.

- You're kidding.
- That's what it...

- Simple nature, I've
been doing that for years

and didn't know what to call it.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

I go to camp every summer.

- You go to camp every summer?
- Sure.

- Well, that's nice to be a
counselor, but it isn't quite...

- I'm not a counselor, I
just like to go to camp.

- Adult camp?
- I go to camp every...

Oh, it's a very adult camp, oh,
oh.

- Yeah, where?

- Well, it's about 10 miles
east of Yuma, Arizona.

And we like it there 'cause
there's a lot of sunshine,

you need a lot of
sunshine for this camp.

- It's out in the desert?

- Yeah, it's out in the
desert and you wouldn't see it

because it's about 10
miles off the main highway

and it's got a big high
fence around it.

- Private camp?

- Very, very, very private.

- What's it called?

- Well, you know it's a camp.

- Well, what's the
name of the camp?

- Well, it's Camp Sunny
Sunshine Peek-a-boo.

(audience laughing)

- That's not one of those,

- Yeah, it's a topless camp.

- Oh, that's not bad.

- From the ankles up.
- Oh.

(audience laughing)

Boy, you've got to have
a lot of nerve

running around a
place like that.

- Not me, I play guitar.
- Oh.

(audience laughing)

Just don't let them ever
get behind you.

- Oh no, no, no.

It's me and Laurindo Almeida.

- Ba da da, da da da.

(audience laughing)

You know, it must be interesting
at a place like that.

- Interesting?
- I've never gone.

- I'll tell you what's
the most interesting,

is watching the newcomers
come in. (laughs)

- Why is that?

- Well, you can always
spot a newcomer in a camp.

- Well sure, they're pale
and you're all,

- Well, that's one of the ways,
yeah.

- Sunburned.
(audience laughing)

What do you do, you just meet

a lot of interesting
people and that sort of,

- Ah, we have games and
we have laughs, and fun.

- Who do you meet,
girls I guess?

- Well, a lot of girls you know.

Some of the new ones are a
little bashful.

- Bashful?
- Yeah.

- What's a bashful girl
doing in a place like that?

- A lot of this.
- Oh.

(audience laughing)

Well look you see, you're
missing the whole point.

We were talking about
tonight's Laugh-In

- Yeah.

- And,
- If we have a good Laugh-In

tonight, could we have a
good love-in maybe later on?

- No, no that, you don't,
- Some nice ladies on the show

- You don't understand,
you see I was explaining

about the flower,
which is a symbol.

This is a symbol of flower
power, the flower generation.

Now, the people that are
involved in this movement

are called flower
children, or flower people.

- Flower people?

- That's right, now you're
talking about going to a love-in,

you know what you do?
- No.

- You take a flower.

- For what?

- Well, you see a pretty
girl, you give her a flower.

- What does she do?

- She gives you a flower.

- And that's all that
you do to each other?

- Yeah, that's it, you
exchange flowers.

- You keep that up and
there ain't gonna be

any little flower people.

(audience laughing)

- You've got the whole wrong
approach to this thing.

You see, the fact of this
whole movement

is that you have to do
your own thing.

You have to find your
own bag, you have to...

- Oh, last night I found one...

- That's not what I mean.
(audience laughing)

You don't understand, I mean,
you go to any cocktail party,

what are they talking about?

- I don't care, I'll go
to any cocktail party.

- Alright, I'll tell ya.

Let's go to a cocktail
party and let's see

what they're talking
about, and you'll find...

- You've got a deal.

- Alright come on.
- Alright.

- You'll see that everybody's
talking about the whole thing.

Come on gang.
- Come on.

(energetic '70s music)

- Isn't this nice?

How nice to see all
these nice people

and such a nice place.

Isn't this the nicest party?

- Sure I approve of the
pill, but why take an aspirin

when you don't have a headache?

(audience laughing)

- Of course, working as Twiggy
is easier than my old job.

I used to be a topless waiter.

- I'll drink to that.

(audience laughing)

- I have nothing against
Hugh Hefner personally,

it's just that I object to
anyone building an empire

based on the moral
standards of a rabbit.

- I'm not against fluoridation,

I'm against water.

- When it comes to
peaceful coexistence,

it must be remembered
that the mountain lion

has never fought the whale.

- That's what I always say,
it's nice to be important,

but it's more
important to be nice.

- Very interesting.

- The trouble with
people today is,

they've forgotten how
to communicate.

- Boris and I fell in
love at a peace rally,

but then he attacked me.
(goofy laughing)

- And my mother always told me,

never take a pill unless
you absolutely have to.

(sighs deeply)

- You know, she's right.

- Oh, what do you
know about pills?

- Well I have an
iron deficiency,

I used to when I was a kid.

- You had an iron deficiency?

- I had to take iron every day,

morning, noon, and night,
iron shots.

- Well, how'd it work out?

- Pretty good, I can
do anything I want now

as long as I'm facing
the North Pole.

- I actually don't do
this for a living,

really I'm a campaign
button pusher.

Before that I used to be
a bumper sticker licker.

- I took a speed reading course

and read War and Peace
in 20 minutes.

I think it's about Russia.

- I'll tell you what's
wrong with children today,

no sense of moral
responsibility.

Now you take my third
son, by my fourth wife,

or was it my fourth son
by my third wife?

- If the Vietnamese don't like
the way we're handling things

over there, why don't they
go back where they came from?

- I just cut down on my driving
and drink more carefully.

- We know of the
industry of the bee,

we know of the
activity of the ant,

but it is a wise man who
holdeth his own roach.

- That's what I always say,

a smile is just a frown
turned upside down.

- Or was it my seventh
son from my ninth wife?

- The difference
between sex and love

is just a matter of semantics.

- I didn't realize Boris
was that non-violent

until he borrowed my
psychedelic earrings.

(fake sobbing)

- In my opinion, the Soviet
Union is just a communist front.

- Then you still don't
know anything about pills.

- Well, I may not but I
have a friend who does.

- Who?
- Kermit.

Why he takes pep pills
to get up in the morning,

he takes tranquilizers
to go to sleep at night,

everyday of his life it's
just pills, pills, pills.

- Have they helped him?

- No, he's pregnant.

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

(pleasant waiting music)

(audience laughing)

(gentle, lighthearted music)

(audience laughs)

(smacks)

(audience laughing)

(thuds)

(audience laughing)

(upbeat '70s music)

(audience laughing)

- Don't go away folks,
we'll be right back.

Told you we'd be right back.

(audience laughing)

It's time now for our
new talent department,

in which we bring to you
bright, young comedy stars

who have never had a
big time break.

Wait 'til you see this girl.

- You got a lady for me?

- Have I ever.

- Son of a gun, you.

- Ruth.

The exciting first lady
of the flower generation,

ladies and gentlemen,
Ruth Buzzi.

Hello Ruth.

(audience applauding)

Dear Mr. Audubon

If he were alive today

Dear Mr. Audubon

He would certainly say

Lady Bird (whistles)

You lovely Lady Bird (whistles)

Thanks loads for
giving so much notoriety

To the Audubon Society

You're a (whistles)

My song of praise is
intended to suffice

From all the other LBJs

Like Lynda Bird (whistles)

Don't have a (whistles)

You should be proud
as a (chirps)

Peacock today

While flying 'round
from east to west

You'll be feathering your guest

To escapading (clucks)

Lady Bird

Tweet, tweet, I'd like to meet

Luci Baines and you

Trill, trill, above the hill

Congress is cuckoo,
cuckoo about you

Lady Bird (squawks)

(laughing drowns out singing)

But when you're locked
up in your guilded cage

You are such an ideal spouse

You never (caws)(gasps)(razzing)

Must be great to
have a (squawks)

Lady Bird around the house

Lady Bird (squawks)

Regard every word (squawks)

That your dear wonderful
husband might say

'Cause while you're
upstairs making beds

He's down there gobblin'
turkey to the reds

She's a pretty Lady Bird

You are now a granny Bird

Patriotic is the word

You do your own, your own,
all you live

She
(squawks)(chirps)(whistles) Bird

(audience applauding)

- Did you clean the
bottom of her cage?

(audience laughing)

- Listen if you, (laughs)

if you think that's gonna
get on you're wrong.

(audience laughing)

You know we are really
privileged now.

- Why?

- Oh, we got another performer.

- Oh we got another winner,
have we?

- Another new talent.

- Oh you just keep trottin'
them out one after the other.

- You think that was a thrill,

- Yeah.
- Woo.

An outstanding folk singer
who's making his first

public appearance since his
escape behind the iron curtain.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr.
Piotr Rosemanko.

Here he comes, come on.

(audience applauding)

Right over here.

Mr. Rosemanko, it's very
good of you to come.

- Si, pleasure to, for to
come to singing a song.

- It's a folk song.

- Folk, folk song, I sing it
first time in this country.

Mr. Weatherman.

(singing in foreign language)

(audience applauding)

(singing in foreign language)

(audience laughing)

- There you go.

- Well, keeping it rolling right
along, as they used to say.

- Keep the party going.

- Yeah, I have one.

- You have one, you
brought somebody?

- I brought in a little
somethin' to throw in the pot.

- Who?

- Oh, this is a pretty one.

Very lovely and talented,
Jo Anne Worley.

(audience applauding)

- I took a trip to Mexico
recently and whilst there

I learned the very
ancient art of vandalism.

And this is my little friend,
Miserloo,

we'd like to do a
number for you.

If you will watch me,
at no time does my mouth

leave my face. (clears throat)

Raindrops on roses
and whiskers on kittens

Bright copper kettles
and warm woolen mittens

(humming) with strings

These are a few of my
favorite things

(gulping)

When I'm feeling sad

I (whistles) re-(whistles)
my (whistles) -orite things

And then I don't feel so bad

(audience applauding)

- Well I got a real
doozy for you now, Dan.

The dancing artistry of
Ken Berry and Arte Johnson.

(audience applauding)

(audience laughing)

(old time jazz music)

(audience laughing)

(audience laughing
and applauding)

Boy.
- You brought a winner.

- I'll tell ya, it'd be
hard to choose between them,

wouldn't it?
- Yup, it's pretty hard.

Well, that's it for tonight's
new talent department,

On behalf of the entire
cast, I would like to thank

all of you for your
wonderful phone call.

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

- Ladies and gentlemen,

due to a strike at the
weather bureau,

there will be no weather at
all for the next three weeks.

- I'll drink to that.
(slams)

(audience laughing)

(ball smacking)

(audience laughing)

- Very interesting.

(giddy laughing)

- Tonight I'm gonna tell her.

Helen.

- Harry.

(audience laughing)

- The Eyelash, by Henry Gibson.

The eyelash is a friend to man

It lives to serve the eye

It fights the dirt and
dust and grime

And keeps the eyeball dry

Flick-flick, flick-flick

It's busy as a bee

Flick-flick, flick-flick

It's helping you and me

(audience laughing)

(whistling)

- I'll drink to that.

(audience laughing)

- Very interesting.

(upbeat, funky music)

(pleasant waiting music)

(audience laughing)

(wooshing)

- Ladies and gentlemen,

John Cameron Swayze
reporting for Timex.

We're at the skating rink in
world-famous Sun Valley, Idaho.

That skater you've just seen

is former champion
Herman Maraschitz.

How are ya, Herman?

- Hi John.

- Now we're going to add an
extra element of excitement.

Notice we've attached a Timex
Waterproof watch to his skate.

Okay Herman, ready to take
that watch for a ride?

- Right.
- Then, let's go.

(wooshing)

That was a dandy, Herman.

Now let's take a look
at that watch.

See the sweep second hand going?

Proof that our Timex
is not only waterproof,

but shock-resistant too.

And handsome as it is rugged.

There you have the
famous Timex Waterproof,

and next to it, the
Timex Sportster,

designed for smaller wrists.

Waterproof, dust-proof,
shock-resistant.

In fact, tests show that Timex
watches withstand an impact

of 2,000 Gs and continue
to run accurately.

No wonder more people buy Timex

than any other watch
in the world.

- Before continuing with
the entertainment portion

of this program,

we'd like to make the
following announcement.

Today in Lincoln, Nebraska,
Ozzy Gerber,

a grain elevator operator
was found to have the gizzard

of a chicken growing inside him.

Ozzy was taken to
the Mayo Clinic

where the gizzard was removed.

Via remote cameras, we
take you there now.

In fact you might say, we're
off to see the gizzard,

the wonderful gizzard of Oz.

(audience laughing)

Good night chat.

(gentle, lighthearted music)

(thunks)

(audience laughing)

(thunks)

(gun fires)
(dings)

(drum rolling)

(audience laughing)

(gun fires)
(dings)

- I'll drink to that.

(gentle, lighthearted music)

- And now a word from
our friends at Timex.

- Hello.

- How 'bout those sponsors,
folks?

(audience laughing)

- [Announcer] And now,
Laugh-In takes you for a look

at our Mod, Mod, Mod, Mod World.

(upbeat jazz music)

(audience laughing)

Tonight the subject of
Mod, Mod, Mod, Mod World

is women, women indeed.

(pleasant, carefree music)

Modern woman, the phrase
itself conjures

a vision of grace
and loveliness.

Keats himself might have had
her in mind when he wrote,

"She walks in beauty
like the night."

A portrait in elegance and
sophistication,

the modern woman is a
delicate blend

of innocence, passion
and romance.

To a man, the living
symbol of all

that it eternally feminine.

(audience laughing)

Constant in this ever-changing
world is the conversation

between a boy and a girl
as they say goodnight.

However, even though the
dialogue remains the same,

well see for yourself.

(gentle, pleasant music)

- Ah, I had a wonderful time.

Thanks for a wonderful evening.

- I had fun, too.

- You shouldn't have taken me

to such an expensive
restaurant though.

You shouldn't spend all your
hard-earned money on me.

- Oh, it was nothing.

Do you, have to go
in right away?

- Well, it is getting late
and you did promise dad

you'd have me in by 11.

- Well, can't we say your
watch stopped?

- Oh, that wouldn't be honest.

We can't build our
relationship on a lie.

- You're right, of course,
it's just that

I can't bear to say
goodnight to you yet.

- Oh, you're sweet.

Now don't forget you're taking
me to the dance on Saturday.

- Oh, how could I forget.

Oh and you looking so groovy
there in the moonlight

and that outfit is,
well, it's outta sight.

- Do you really like it?
- Yeah.

- Oh, I'm so glad, I'm happy!

- Really?

- Yes, because I make all
my own clothes you know.

- You're kidding.

- Underneath I'm a mass of pins.

- Oh, you'd never know.
(audience laughing)

Do you know,
- Huh?

- Everybody talks about
the way you dress.

- Well the important thing
is that it pleases you.

- Oh, everything about
you pleases me.

I love your eyes, your
hair, the way you walk,

and in a bathing suit,
you knock me out.

- Don't rush me.

It's going too fast.

- You mean, there's
somebody else?

I'll kill anybody who
laid a hand on you.

- That's what I like about
you, you're so physical.

- Then let's go to the beach,

I know a place where we
can be alone.

- No, it's not you I don't
trust, it's me.

Don't you understand?

Surely we have something
more important going

than just our desires.

(audience laughing)

- Well, when two people
want to get married,

it's senseless to wait.

- Married?

Why didn't you say so?

Dad, there's someone I
want you to meet.

(audience laughing
and applauding)

(funky mod music)

- Now it's time for you to meet
our personality of the week,

a lady who devotes her time
to preparing young girls

for the world ahead, Scout
Mistress Barbara Stuft.

Good evening, Miss Stuft.

- Hi Scout.

(audience laughing)

- Tell me how old are
the girls in your troop?

- Um, they average about 27, 28.

- Isn't that a little old
for girl scouts?

- Well, it's old for Brownies.

My scouts are all girls
whose first few marriages

didn't work out and
they decided to get back

into uniform.
- I see.

- Fortunately we sell
enough cookies

to keep a roof over our heads.

- Door to door?

- No, most of the girls sleep
right here in the barracks.

- No, no.
(audience laughing)

The cookies, do you sell
the cookies door to door?

- Oh, (laughs) yes.

We go out every night at
the stroke of midnight.

- Midnight?

- Yes, well there's no
time during the day,

I give my lectures
during the day.

I teach my girls the basics
of a happy, successful life.

- Things like cooking?

- No, dum-dum.

Things like alimony, oh and
then one week each month

we go on a camping trip.
- Oh.

- Uh huh, each girl has a tent
all to herself and each one

has her own mess kit and
bedroll and flashlight.

The girls just love it.

- Well, that sounds
very interesting.

Where do you have
these encampments?

- Um, Fort Dix, New Jersey.

(audience laughing)

- Fort Dix?

- Well, right outside
the main gate.

I tell you those cookies
move real fast.

- I bet they do.

- Oh, and the soldiers
just love my lectures.

- They like your lectures?

- Uh huh, I teach my
girls what to do in case

they ever wander off and get
captured by a strange man.

- That's good.

- And then I teach them
how to wander off

and get captured by a
strange man.

- Well, isn't that a
little like tempting fate?

- No, I take care of
that in my art classes.

- Your art classes?

- Mm-hm, every morning
I give each of my girls

a piece of charcoal and
a blank canvas.

- What's that for?

- Well, they have to learn
to draw the line somewhere.

(audience laughing)

- Well, it certainly has been
interesting talking to you,

Miss Stuft, thank you.

- Just keep buying those
cookies, daddy.

(audience laughing
and applauding)

(funky mod music)

- In this age of automation,

computers are an accepted
part of our everyday lives.

Now, for a look at the very
latest in labor-saving devices,

it's a Mod Mod World
invites you to meet

the ultimate in household
appliances, the Wife-a-tron.

And here to discuss this
remarkable invention

is Mr. Dick Martin.

- Hi there.
- Hi.

I must tell you this is truly

the most amazing machine
I've ever seen.

- Thank you, I'm
kinda proud of it,

I designed it myself you know.

- Mm, must've taken
extensive research.

- Extensive and exhaustive.
(laughs)

You know this just
didn't happen overnight,

you should see the ones
I had to throw away.

- Oh well, we'd certainly
like to see it in action.

- Oh good, I'll just pull the
activator cord and give you

a little demonstration.
- Okay.

(mechanical whirring)

She's beautiful.

- She's perfect, are you crazy?

In every way, wait 'til
you hear this.

(cord winding)

What happens when you go
shopping honey?

(mechanical whirring)

- I never exceed my budget,
I spend nothing on myself,

I set my own hair and make
my own clothes.

All I need is you.

(laughing)

- See what I mean?

Watch this.
(cord winding)

What would happen if I
came home late at night

after a night out with the boys?

(mechanical whirring)

- I never ask where you've
been or what you've done,

I'm only glad you've come
back home to me.

All I need is you.

(laughing)

- Well, do you think it
will catch on?

- It probably be alright
for a lot of guys,

but it's not enough
woman for me.

- What do you mean?

- Because you've left out
the things that make a woman

the lovable creature
she really is.

Men like to buy women pretty
things like minks and diamonds

and they enjoy arguing because
it's so much fun to make up.

What's a woman if you
can't spoil her

and put her on a pedestal
where she belongs?

(cord winding)

- You beast, I'm sick and tired
of being taken for granted.

Do you hear, sick, sick, sick.

Get my toolbox and spare
parts, all I need is you.

(audience laughing
and applauding)

(funky mod music)

(regal music)

- [Announcer] And now Laugh-In
looks at the Mod Mod World

through the eyes of
four lovely ladies

talking about a dear
absent friend.

This is a story of Alice

Told without any malice

Alice is loved by everyone

And there's no wondering

For Alice is very beautiful

Is beautiful, is beautiful,
is beautiful

Except for one little thing

Her nose, it glows

It's red and it's graphic

It lights up in traffic

But Alice is loved by everyone

And there's no wondering

For Alice is very beautiful,

Is beautiful, is beautiful,
is beautiful

Except for one little thing

Her hair, despair

You've heard of a crew-cut,
she's got nothing to cut

But Alice is loved by everyone

And there's no wondering

For Alice is very beautiful

Is beautiful, is beautiful,
is beautiful

Except for one little thing

Her voice, rejoice

It's cackle is chronic,
it's so cacophonic

But Alice is loved by everyone

And there's no wondering

For Alice is very beautiful

Is beautiful, is beautiful,
is beautiful

Except for one little thing

Her tooth, for sooth

Now what could be droller

A smile with one molar

Her nose, it glows

Her hair, despair

Her voice, rejoice

Her tooth, for sooth

Now what could be droller

A smile with one molar

Tra la la la la, tra la la la la

Tra la la la la la la

Her nose, it glows

Her hair, despair

Her voice, tra la

Her tooth, for sooth

Tra la la la la, tra la la la la

Tra la la la la la la

La la la la

(audience applauding)

- Very interesting.

(audience applauding)

(funky mod music)

(audience laughing)

(drum rolling)

(pleasant waiting music)

(audience laughing)

(gentle, lighthearted music)

(splashes)

(audience laughing)

- Tonight, Laugh-In looks ahead,

and here's the 6:00
news, 20 years from now,

September 9th, 1987.

(excited screaming)

They've got the news
that will thrill you

News that will kill you

Dan and Dick

Dick and Dan

So if you're feeling woozy

Listen to their newsy

It's the news that
leaves you with a smile

(audience applauding)

- Thank you, thank you.

The news wouldn't be the news

without your favorite
newscaster, and now here's Dickie.

(audience applauding)

- Wrong.

Hi, Dickie Martin here
with the news of today,

September 9th, 1987.

Well, Bob Hope announced today,

once again that his Christmas
troop trip will entertain

our fighting forces and
(cuckoo chirping).

(audience laughing)

Show business celebrated
an anniversary today.

It's actually the 20th anniversary
of Frank and Mia Sinatra,

September 9th, 1987.

And here's a picture of
the happy couple.

Can you get a picture of this,
Billy?

(audience laughing)

She looks great, I don't
know what happened to him.

(audience laughing)

Patrick Lyndon Nugent
was drafted today

as a Brigadier General.

And now on with the
international news,

here's Danny.

(drum rolling)

- The feated Arab soldiers
are still regrouping

after last night's war,

when a single Israeli
soldier wearing a mask,

carrying a wooden gun,
broke in and held up Egypt,

Jordan, Leban, Iraq, and
parts of Saudi Arabia.

From Mexico, a report that
the American ambassador

was stoned again yesterday.

Police confirmed this
and made 18 other arrests

at the embassy discotech.

And that's it for the
international news,

and now back to Dick.

Dick, you're on.

Dick, you're on air.
- Huh?

- [Dan] I said you're on.

- Oh, I'm sorry, I
thought there'd be

a little more international
news than that.

See you later sweetie.

(clears throat)

And here's a late news bulletin,

a fire broke out in an old,
empty deserted warehouse.

And for the story we have
a remote unit on the scene

to bring it to you, take
it away Fred and Ginger.

This building's been burning

Alarms have been turning

Since 5:00 a.m.

5:00 a.m. (whistles)

The firemen have spurned it

So the fire has just burned it

Since 5:00 a.m.

5:00 a.m.

The superintendent was crying

'Cause the janitor lost his life

He wasn't crying,
he was laughing

That was no janitor,
that was his wife

Yeah

The thing that's amazing

Is during this blazin'

No one is about to retire

So don't stop you

Who have nothing to do

Come sing along with a
sing-along pack

(audience applauding)

- And now, take it away the
June Taylor Weatherettes.

(drum rolling)

There's a cold, cold front

Moving south from St. Joe

Cincinnati's heat
wave is turnin' to snow

The whole west coast's
been smoggy for hours

But in Boston, Massachusetts

Merely intermittent showers

The weather in Chicago's
been windy and warm

While down in Baton Rouge
there's been a tropical storm

A cyclone in Savannah's
causing some devastation

But in Boston, Massachusetts

Merely slight precipitation

(splashes)

(laughing drowns out speech)

This time you've gone too,
pretty far

(applause drowns out speech)

- That's it for the news

- And by the way folks,

the world is coming to an
end at 8:15 tomorrow morning.

We'll have that story live
tomorrow night 6:00 news.

- That's right, we'll
see you here.

Goodnight everybody.

(audience applauding)

- Why I Like Soap, by
Henry Gibson

I like soap because it is
so much fun to be with.

Well, take for example,
the bathtub,

which is a lonely enough place.

In addition, it can float
and be carved into a bubble.

But most of all it is clean.

There's a little bit
of dirt in each of us.

(audience laughing)

- And don't you dare come
back into this courtroom

until you're properly dressed.

(whimpers)

(audience laughing)

(gentle, wondrous music)

(thunks)

(gentle piano music)

Go tell Aunt Rhody

Go tell Aunt Rhody

Go tell Aunt Rhody

Her old gray goose is dead

(laughing)

(audience laughing)

(gentle, wondrous music)

- Very interesting.

(audience laughing)

- Some of us take the
world for granted.

Have you ever wondered
how the little moments

might have changed the
course of history?

(whimsical music)

- Eureka, at last I've got it!

Hello, hello?
(audience laughing)

Operator, operator.

(thrilling music)

- [Columbus] Land ho!

(flushing)

- Wilbur, we've done it,
at last.

We've done it Wilbur!

- This is a great moment,
Orville.

Shall we test it?

- Yes, let's test it.

Hello, hello?
(audience laughing)

- This will revolutionize
man's relationship to man.

Hello, hello?

Hello?
(audience laughing)

- [Smedley] At last
you've done it sir.

- Yes, and I wanted
you here with me

at this historic moment,
Smedley.

If it works, man will
never be the same again.

- Oh, try it sir, do try it.

I can't wait to see it work.

- Well, I'll try it.

Stick 'em up.

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

- From these examples, you
can imagine how our lives

might have been here in
these British colonies.

- Hello, hello?

Operator?
(audience laughing)

(funky mod music)

(pleasant waiting music)

(audience laughing)

(gentle, lighthearted music)

- Ready, aim, fire.

(canon banging)

(audience laughing)

(upbeat, frenetic music)

(audience applauding)

- Oh!

- Hey, that was a lot of
fun tonight, wasn't it?

- I guess so, I had a ball.

I got one now.
- Dick and,

Yeah, you had several.

Dick and I look forward
to seeing all of you

again real soon.

You have anything to
add to that?

- Well, actually all I
have to add to that

is that we look forward to
seeing you again real soon.

(audience laughing)

- Say goodnight, Dick.

- Goodnight Dick.

- Goodnight ladies
and gentlemen.

Hope you enjoyed yourselves,

we certainly enjoyed ourselves.

Goodnight.

(audience applauding)

(upbeat, funky music)

This has been a
George Schlatter,

Ed Friendly Production.

- [Dick] In association
with Romart Productions.

I think this program has
been prerecorded.

- [Dan] Well, it was.

(pleasant waiting music)

(banging)

(audience laughing)