Rosehaven (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Episode #1.3 - full transcript
I just don't think in my life,
I'm ever gonna do a drum solo.
- Spider check?
- Always.
What are you going to
do if you found one?
Set myself on fire. Drive off a cliff.
Oh, you know I'm in the car.
- What if it was a friendly one?
- There are no friendly ones.
What if it was just coming down
'cause you had your tag sticking out?
It was coming to help?
Like, "Hey, let me get
- "that for you, buddy. You look like a
- No. No, don't,
- "tag dag. I just wanna help."
- don't... talk about something else.
Talk about something else.
Do you want to talk
about the house again?
You mean the house I'm going to sell?
It's pretty nice.
It's a great house on
a great block of land
and the owner isn't asking
too much. It's perfect.
I'm actually going to sell
one before Mum gets back.
- You could sell this house.
- What's that supposed to mean?
Well, I'm just saying someone with
as little sales experience as you,
- but who is still super cool...
- Thank you.
- could easily sell this place.
- Mmm.
- Oh, I've already pre-written a text.
- Mmm?
"Hi, Mum. Just made my
first sale." That's it?
Yeah, well, that's the news.
This is better.
"Mum, I got an under-age girl pregnant.
"Just kidding, I sold a house!"
- What?
- Well, it's like double good news.
It's like, "He did what?!"
"Oh, he was kidding.
Phew! and he sold a house."
- Please don't send that.
- I'm not gonna send it.
Okay. Well, just don't push
anything that'd accidentally send it.
Now you're making me paranoid
that I am gonna send it.
Well, just don't touch anything.
'Cause now I actually can't
remember which button's back and
- which is send. Your phone is weird.
- Well, just... don't touch anything.
- Is that one back or send? Can you...
- You don't have to push anything. Just,
- take it away from me. No, you made me
- No, no, no, don't push anything.
- worried that I'm gonna press it. How
- I'm driving. Just, put your thumbs up!
- can I not push anything?
- Just, put your thumbs up!
I'll put it down. My
thumbs? What? Like...
- Like, now what?
- Yes.
Hold it like that till we park.
_
_
I don't think I could sell this house.
_
I just uploaded the photos he sent.
What, was I supposed
to check they were real?
- Yes!
- They were photos of a house.
It's not like there was
a unicorn out the front.
I know what you're going to
say... I haven't mowed the lawns.
John...
this is the photo we've
used on the website
and all of the marketing material.
What's the problem?
Well, did you doctor this photo?
No. No, my son did it.
He can also do memes, whatever they are.
Yeah, but, John, your house
doesn't look like this.
Well, obviously.
Well, you can't do that.
It's false advertising.
No, it's not. It-it-it's aspirational.
I mean, it's what the property could
look like if you took the time to...
Take down the power lines.
Well, you know, that's just
my son expressing himself.
- It looks real.
- It's not.
Hey, your mum said it was a fixer-upper,
all right? I just wanted to show people,
you know, what it'd look like fixed up.
- It's like serving suggestions.
- Yeah, but it's a house.
It's not a frozen pizza.
Yeah, but more people
will come this way.
Angry people.
I'll talk to them.
Oh! No, John, y-you
shouldn't be at the open home.
Why?
It-it's never a good idea for the owner
to be there. It's standard practice.
Yeah, but, you know, what if
they've got questions for me, like...
Where's the mountain?
- 14. There's 14.
- What?
- Spot the difference.
- Oh.
Do you want me to rewrite
that text to your mum?
You may have broken the
law putting that photo up.
We. I did it from your computer.
Why didn't you use your computer?
- What? Yeah, it was sleeping.
- You've got a computer.
- Damien, hi.
- Yeah, hi.
- Hi, Emma.
- How's it going?
Fine. Well, I mean...
no, yeah, fine. I'll say fine.
Did you go round there?
Yeah, I told John I could give the place
a quick paint job or do the gardens.
It's really all I could do
to pretty it up by tomorrow.
Okay, well, at least that's something.
Can't do it, though.
John won't let me touch anything
unless I buy the place first.
Do you want to buy it?
No.
- Anything else I can do?
- Kill me.
- No. Thank you, Damien.
- Right. Bye.
Bye!
Maybe we could call one of
those extreme makeover shows.
I think he likes you.
No, he doesn't.
Well, he could've just called.
He didn't have to come in here.
He doesn't even like leaving his house.
He likes you.
Maybe he likes you.
- Probably. I'm a likeable guy.
- Well, I hope you're happy together.
- We will be.
- What's your favourite thing about him?
- Daniel...
- His eyes.
Barbara's on the phone for you.
- Hi, Mum.
- Daniel, what took you so long?
Just, uh... working hard.
- How are you?
- Fine.
I've been in rehab all
morning, yelling at my physio.
She's very handsy.
Yeah, I think that's their job.
Anyway, I'd better get back to work.
Do you have everything ready
for the open home tomorrow?
- Yep.
- Oh,
so you've moved the mountain, have you?
- I can explain that.
- Can you?
'Cause it seems like you've ruined any
chance we had of selling that property.
No, no, it's... it's like, um...
serving suggestions.
I've taken the images down and
posted a message that it's cancelled.
I'll reschedule it when I'm back.
Well, Mu...
Love you.
She knows?
Yeah.
Does she think I did it?
You did do it.
Yeah, but does she think I did it?
She saw the website and she...
cancelled the open home.
Can't people have spinal surgery
without checking their computers?
Well, something else'll come up.
She's not gonna give me another chance.
Do you... do you know how many
houses I sold on the mainland?
Three?
No, z-zero.
I really thought I was
gonna sell my first one.
Well, sell it, then.
- She cancelled the open home.
- She cancelled it online.
The people who got our
leaflets won't know that,
and it was in the paper.
People might still turn up.
What, furious people
when they don't see a...?
Is that a hedge maze?
I have two ideas.
What's your second idea?
Okay, well, when you're in a bad
mood, what always cheers you up?
There's an interview with Bruce Lee
where he talks about
honestly expressing oneself.
And when I watch it,
I-I get inspired to do...
Free stuff!
You can't stay mad if
you're getting free stuff.
Right.
In Melbourne once I was walking
past this auction and they
had an ice cream stand and they were
giving out free ice creams to anyone.
- And do you know what?
- What?
I bought that house. Most
expensive ice cream I've ever had.
- You didn't buy the house.
- Uh?
No, but you can see
how that could happen.
Em, it's pretty common practice
to give stuff away at these things.
We just don't have any money for it.
Shops will donate stuff. Small
town people are generous, right?
I guess we could say it's good exposure.
I mean, it's free advertising for them.
Well?
It's worth a shot.
Yay!
- To Bruce Lee, the greatest singer...
- No.
- Guitarist...
- Not music.
- Astronaut. Good guy.
- Come on!
We're technically still at work.
_
Ready?
Okay, you take the shops on
the left side of the street
- and I'll take the right.
- Okay.
Does that help?
- What?
- This.
- Is that how I look?
- Sorry, Mrs Marsh.
- What does it do?
- I don't know. I get nervous.
- It shakes off the nerves.
- Oh, you'll be fine.
Just relax, speak confidently.
Oh, I keep forgetting to ask you,
why doesn't anyone
here talk like you do?
- What do you mean?
- In Rosehaven. Like, in your hometown,
I thought everyone here would
sound like you but they don't.
- Like your mum says "balls".
- When did she say "bowls"?
Well, I don't know, but when she says
it, she says "balls" and you don't.
Emma, I don't know what
you're talking about.
- You have an accent.
- No, I don't.
Say "balls".
- "Bowls". I said "bowls".
- No, "balls".
You're not. Say, "It's
wall to wall balls."
- Well, I would never have to say that.
- Just say it.
It's woll to woll bowls.
What's that thing you put soup in?
Bowl.
The round thing you play catch with?
- "Bowl".
- Do you not hear that?!
Say, "Put this ball in this bowl."
Put this "bowl" in this bowl.
- That's just how I say it.
- I always thought you had an accent,
but you just can't talk properly.
- I am talking properly.
- Oh, I've got one.
Say this.
Actually, it might kill you.
I don't know if you're ready.
Bowling "bowl".
I am going to get you
the help that you need.
Well, I don't need help
because I've got this.
Oh, you mean this?
- That's what you do!
- Oh! Got me.
_
Hi, uh...
Cathy.
Uh, I'm Daniel from
McCallum Real Estate.
- I'm hosting an open home tom...
- Oh, you're Barbara's boy.
- Yes.
- Thought you were on the mainland.
- I was.
- Couldn't hack it?
Ah, I'm actually here about an
exciting cross-promotional opportunity
that will, uh, raise
awareness of your brand.
Meat?
Yes. I was hoping to expose your
business to a... to a wider audience.
What is it you want, exactly?
- Sausages?
- How many?
- 40?
- Fine.
Great. Thank you. I'm hoping this
can be the, er, start of an ongoing
- relationship between our businesses...
- That'll be $22.50.
Sure.
This was a great idea!
- What did you get?
- Free clothes from the Op Shop.
Clothes? Em, we can't say,
"Welcome to the open home.
"Please accept this old jumper."
Why not? They're from a
shop. They're still good.
Yeah, but if the Op Shop didn't want
them, what do you think they're like?
Have you... have you opened the bag yet?
Nah.
Eugh! Oooh...
- It's just a bit mothy.
- What'd you get?
- 40 sausages.
- Score!
I paid for 'em.
Okay, strike one and two. We're
still in the game. Come on.
_
_
Okay. Okay, here we go. Here we go.
Uh, Em, I don't think that
plant is getting any shinier.
Do you know I was thinking,
maybe I can't do this.
What?
No, actually I'm fine.
- Em, what... what's up?
- Nothing. I'm fine. I just, um...
I'm just feeling a lot today.
But I'm fine. So let's do this!
Yeah. Uh, it's just that
you're saying you're fine a lot.
- Because I'm fine.
- Em, what's happened?
Nothing, I'm totally fine. I mean,
Josh texted me, but it's totally fine.
Okay. But he-he's been
trying to contact you
- for ages, hasn't he?
- Yes, but he calls...
he calls and I hang up. But this is the
first message that he's gotten through.
"Please answer my calls."
What does that mean?
Uh, answer his, um... You know what?
- Maybe now's not the time...
- I just don't want to talk to him.
I don't want to be insensitive, but
can we go back to when you were fine?
There might be a cry, or
a yell. I'm not sure yet.
No, no, no, Emma, I need happy Emma
to help me talk to strangers
and keep me calm today.
We can... we can both
have breakdowns tomorrow.
I was thinking maybe I
should go back to uni.
- No.
- I mean, all my ideas are dumb, Dan.
All we got yesterday were
40 sausages that you paid for
- and a bag of rubbish from the Op Shop.
- They were just a bit mothy.
There was a dead fish
in one of the hats.
Okay. Well, you made chocolate
crackles and they're excellent.
I did. I just... I-I'm holding you back.
No-no, you're not. See, in fact...
I-I read that a man and woman team sell
more properties. So you know, just...
- Be a woman?
- Yes.
Y-you can do this.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Am-am I in the right place?
- Oh, I hope so.
If you're not, neither are we. Come
in. Um... here's an information sheet.
I'd probably start with the master
bedroom. It's just down the hall.
And by the time you get back
I'll have a pot of tea ready.
- Oh, thank you.
- No worries. I'm Emma, and this
- is Daniel, if you have any questions.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Oh, and please help yourself to
a chocolate crackle?
Thanks.
***
- Em, that was... that was brilliant.
- Oh.
- Was it?
- Yeah, that... that was perfect.
Really? It felt fake.
Well, to me, it felt like someone
honestly expressing themselves.
- Bruce Lee?
- Yep.
Smart. I hope to meet him some day.
- Well, he's dead.
- Oh...
- then we've lost a great netballer.
- I know you know who he is.
Ah, the backyard. Great
for... entertaining.
Does the master bedroom get morning sun?
Uh, yeah, probably.
I put this, uh, pond
in a few years back.
I mean, happy for you to
keep the fish for a small fee.
Where's the water feature?
Uh, it was stolen by robbers
who said they'd never come back.
- John, can I borrow you for one second?
- Ah, yeah.
Told you more people would come.
Yeah, I thought we agreed
it's best if you're not here.
Yeah, but then I thought it would be.
- Oh!
- Are you okay? What's happened? Huh?
Someone threw a spider over the fence.
- Oh, where?
- Oh, give it a rest, Susan!
You started it!
I can't help where they
go once I release 'em!
You release them over my fence!
- Argh!
- Sorry, Susan!
Well, it won't... won't happen again!
John, what's going on?
Oh, look, she's caught me throwing
one over her fence once or twice.
Now she's convinced every spider
in her house comes from me.
- Great.
- Hey, mate!
- It's all freshly laid, all this.
- So sorry.
Well, it's mostly fresh.
Did you concrete over the marble?
Yeah. Hey, come and have a
look at the water feature.
- What?
- Hi,
I'm Emma from McCallum Real Estate.
I am one half of the man-woman team
running the open home next door.
- I'm the woman half.
- What do you want?
I'm glad you asked. I've just
been informed that there's been a
bit of a spiders-over-the-fence
thing happening.
- Personally, I'm cool with it...
- He started it.
Had one land in my drink once.
He thinks it's humane.
Do you think it's humane to fly
through the air and drown in a Mai Tai?
It's how I'd wanna go.
Anyway, I was just wondering if
you could not do that anymore.
He's been doing it for years.
Just for today? And he won't do
it either. Truce. All spiders down.
Look, it's going to be a lot
easier for us to sell his place
if we're not getting nightmare rain.
- Fine.
- Sweet.
Chocolate crackle?
Who says no to you?
What about the mountain?
Uh... erosion?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, but,
you're not... not... not...
listening to what I'm saying.
It's completely different!
Yeah, but you're not seeing
the potential of the place.
Well, I'm seeing a bunch
of power lines outside.
- Hi, I'm, ah, I'm Daniel. Yes.
- Mate, are you... are you the agent?
Oh, wh-where do you get off
advertising a place like this?
- Well...
- Chocolate crackle, anyone?
I've already spotted 15
things wrong with this.
- Did I miss one?
- Look, if you don't like it, just go.
You've wasted our whole day to
come and see this piece of shit.
Hey, this house has been in
my family for two generations.
- 'Cause no one would buy it!
- Yeah, John, let's... let's...
My father built it with his
own blood, sweat and tears.
Well, maybe if he'd used
bricks it'd be in better nick!
- John, let's... Um...
- No, no, no. You know what?
- You don't deserve it. Get out.
- Excuse me?
- No, you heard me. Get out. Go on! Nup.
- John, not a good sales tactic.
It's a fixer-upper!
What are you looking at?
He doesn't come with the house.
I knew he'd mess this up.
Yeah, but you thought heaps of
other things would mess this up too.
Excuse me?
Hi.
Uh, thanks for coming.
Yes, I'm Carol, and this is Martin.
- Hi. I'm Martin.
- I just said that.
Um, Cathy told us there might
be a sausage sizzle on today?
Yes. Um, I did cook some sausages
last night. Ah, they're in the fridge.
I could put them in the
microwave if you want one.
Oh, it's fine. We were coming anyway.
Now, these photos...
- Yes. Uh, sorry about that too.
- A bunch of great ideas here.
Uh... yeah. Yeah. No, we,
um... we thought so too.
Oh, John. Good news.
They're right, you know.
It is a piece of shit.
What? Yeah? That's not true. It's...
Well, that's what they all said today.
No, no, John, your... your
house is a r-renovator's dream.
- Is it?
- Yeah, it's got, um... charm.
- Good windows.
- Great windows.
- Beautiful pond.
- Beautiful pond.
It's a... it's a fixer-upper, right?
Everyone hated it.
They said my carpet was ugly.
Th-Th-the paintwork was all shoddy...
No, no, John, I've got a couple
in there right now who love it.
We-we might have an offer.
They didn't miss the solar panels?
Nope, thought it was a great suggestion.
- And we saved you a chocolate crackle.
- Yes.
Now, can we please go
inside and sell this house?
Argh! Oh, Jesus! Oh! Yes!
Cop that, John, you bastard!
What's your favourite medication?
Um, Triaderm.
Of course. Sounds like a dinosaur.
No, I think I'm just saying that
because I prescribed it this morning,
- and nobody's ever asked me that.
- Ah.
- Must be weird seeing Dan again.
- No, it's nice.
You do know you're like
the worst-case scenario?
A bit, like an ex that
you never really got over
who's now a doctor and
who's lost 30 kilos.
- Dan's changed a lot, too.
- How?
He used to have an overbite.
Here he comes.
Hello!
Grace?
What happened?
A spider fell on your
face and you fainted.
- Because I was brave?
- No.
Susan didn't go for the chocolate
crackles because she's a monster.
- Oh, where's John?
- It's fine. He's inside.
Here we go. Come on.
How long was I out for?
30 years. We've got a
lot to fill you in on.
Maybe 20 minutes.
I'm gonna head inside.
Come in when you're ready.
Oh, did Em draw anything
on my face while I was out?
No, your hand. But she
felt bad and stopped.
Um, Grace, I've got to...
- run back in, but, um...
- Yeah.
thanks for... thanks for being here.
No problem. Feel better.
Oh, I faint all the time. Just,
um, recharging the batteries.
Yep, yeah, step there.
Oh...
Oh, John. I am so sorry.
Ah, don't worry. Susan's got me
a few times with a spider too.
Did you faint?
- No.
- You did.
Carol and Martin. Did... did they leave?
They did. They're still interested.
- Great.
- Yeah.
Yeah, I-I've had a think
about what you said.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, I think maybe I was
being a little bit hasty
about, ah, getting rid of the place.
Oh, no. No, no, no, no, I...
No, it-it's like what you both
said. I mean, it's got charm.
You know, it's on a great block of land.
- We didn't say that.
- Ah, you know,
got a beautiful view of the countryside.
- Or that.
- Yeah.
I think I might stick
around a bit longer.
I don't want to sell anymore.
John, we only said that
stuff to make you feel better.
I mean, you're lucky someone actually
wants to buy this piece of shit.
Get out.
Hey, champ.
Look, you did your best.
He didn't want to sell. What can you do?
Not faint. Not talk him out of selling.
No.
Everyone faints for no reason
and does the opposite of
what their job is sometimes.
Have you called your mum?
No.
I can't call her. I'll text it.
I can pick out some tasteful emojis that
might help soften the blow, if you like.
- I find the praying one is good...
- Oh, shit!
- Oh, Em, I sent your text!
- What? My text? No, you didn't.
- I sent your message.
- You didn't. You didn't!
- Yes! Why didn't you delete the draft?!
- Did you? What'd you do that for?
- You told me to hold my thumbs up!
- What... At least get rid of...
- Can I just get it back?
- No, of course you can't get it back!
It's fine. It'll be fine. It'll be fine.
- She's calling. Shit. Shit.
- Well, maybe...
maybe she'll be happy that he
doesn't want to sell because...
mo' money, mo' problems.
- Hello?
- You sold it?
Under-age pregnancy is no laughing
matter, Daniel, but you did it.
There was some interest.
John decided to stay on a little longer.
what? what are you talking about?
It was his decision. He... he
doesn't want to sell anymore.
Then why the hell did
you send me that text?
It was a draft. Um...
I thought... I thought I
was going to sell the house.
Mum, I'm... I'm... I'm really sorry.
Mo' money, mo' problems?
I'll see you in two days.
Love you.
What can we do?
Go back to Melbourne?
I can't go back. I can't
afford to go anywhere else.
Too old to backpack and
I'm too scared to squat.
Em, you were the one who was wronged.
I replied to Josh.
What'd you send?
"This is the police.
"The woman whose phone
this is is dead in a ditch.
"She died of a broken heart and
also she was pregnant. Fuck you."
Jesus.
- I was really upset.
- Yeah.
- It's bad, isn't it?
- Well...
- I mean, he's the one... Yeah!
- Yeah, he left you on your honeymoon.
It's full on but, yeah,
he... he deserved it.
- What are you doing?
- I'm gonna... I'm gonna go for a walk.
- Oh, okay, I'll get a jumper.
- No, if that's okay. I...
- want to go by myself.
- Why?
I'm just... Clear my head.
- Oh. Give me your shoelaces.
- What?
Just give me your shoelaces so
I know you won't hurt yourself.
I'm not gonna hurt myself. I don't know
how I'd hurt myself with my shoelaces.
Okay, then why do you want to be alone?
- Because I'm upset. No, no, no! No!
- Just give them to me. Just give them
to me then you can go on
your stupid walk, by yourself.
- Em, no! Do what? No. No.
- I'm not gonna let you do this.
- Fine. Fine. Come. Come for the walk.
- Give me this one.
Come for the walk.
- Oh, your tag's sticking out.
- No, no, don't. Don't.
- It's sticking out. It looks dumb.
- Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.
- It looks bad. I'm helping.
- Here we go. Stop it!
Someone else has been in here.
- It's Bruce.
- Are you mad?
This is where I came
to get away from him.
I don't want to regret never
standing up to him my whole life.
- Let's do this!
- Woo!
I don't want to do this.
He replaced my sunscreen
with liquid paper once.
Do you want to stand up to Bruce or not?
- "Fuck you."
- No, no.
No, it doesn't... no, no...
- Bruce is a piece of shit.
- What?
The chimney!
15.
I'm ever gonna do a drum solo.
- Spider check?
- Always.
What are you going to
do if you found one?
Set myself on fire. Drive off a cliff.
Oh, you know I'm in the car.
- What if it was a friendly one?
- There are no friendly ones.
What if it was just coming down
'cause you had your tag sticking out?
It was coming to help?
Like, "Hey, let me get
- "that for you, buddy. You look like a
- No. No, don't,
- "tag dag. I just wanna help."
- don't... talk about something else.
Talk about something else.
Do you want to talk
about the house again?
You mean the house I'm going to sell?
It's pretty nice.
It's a great house on
a great block of land
and the owner isn't asking
too much. It's perfect.
I'm actually going to sell
one before Mum gets back.
- You could sell this house.
- What's that supposed to mean?
Well, I'm just saying someone with
as little sales experience as you,
- but who is still super cool...
- Thank you.
- could easily sell this place.
- Mmm.
- Oh, I've already pre-written a text.
- Mmm?
"Hi, Mum. Just made my
first sale." That's it?
Yeah, well, that's the news.
This is better.
"Mum, I got an under-age girl pregnant.
"Just kidding, I sold a house!"
- What?
- Well, it's like double good news.
It's like, "He did what?!"
"Oh, he was kidding.
Phew! and he sold a house."
- Please don't send that.
- I'm not gonna send it.
Okay. Well, just don't push
anything that'd accidentally send it.
Now you're making me paranoid
that I am gonna send it.
Well, just don't touch anything.
'Cause now I actually can't
remember which button's back and
- which is send. Your phone is weird.
- Well, just... don't touch anything.
- Is that one back or send? Can you...
- You don't have to push anything. Just,
- take it away from me. No, you made me
- No, no, no, don't push anything.
- worried that I'm gonna press it. How
- I'm driving. Just, put your thumbs up!
- can I not push anything?
- Just, put your thumbs up!
I'll put it down. My
thumbs? What? Like...
- Like, now what?
- Yes.
Hold it like that till we park.
_
_
I don't think I could sell this house.
_
I just uploaded the photos he sent.
What, was I supposed
to check they were real?
- Yes!
- They were photos of a house.
It's not like there was
a unicorn out the front.
I know what you're going to
say... I haven't mowed the lawns.
John...
this is the photo we've
used on the website
and all of the marketing material.
What's the problem?
Well, did you doctor this photo?
No. No, my son did it.
He can also do memes, whatever they are.
Yeah, but, John, your house
doesn't look like this.
Well, obviously.
Well, you can't do that.
It's false advertising.
No, it's not. It-it-it's aspirational.
I mean, it's what the property could
look like if you took the time to...
Take down the power lines.
Well, you know, that's just
my son expressing himself.
- It looks real.
- It's not.
Hey, your mum said it was a fixer-upper,
all right? I just wanted to show people,
you know, what it'd look like fixed up.
- It's like serving suggestions.
- Yeah, but it's a house.
It's not a frozen pizza.
Yeah, but more people
will come this way.
Angry people.
I'll talk to them.
Oh! No, John, y-you
shouldn't be at the open home.
Why?
It-it's never a good idea for the owner
to be there. It's standard practice.
Yeah, but, you know, what if
they've got questions for me, like...
Where's the mountain?
- 14. There's 14.
- What?
- Spot the difference.
- Oh.
Do you want me to rewrite
that text to your mum?
You may have broken the
law putting that photo up.
We. I did it from your computer.
Why didn't you use your computer?
- What? Yeah, it was sleeping.
- You've got a computer.
- Damien, hi.
- Yeah, hi.
- Hi, Emma.
- How's it going?
Fine. Well, I mean...
no, yeah, fine. I'll say fine.
Did you go round there?
Yeah, I told John I could give the place
a quick paint job or do the gardens.
It's really all I could do
to pretty it up by tomorrow.
Okay, well, at least that's something.
Can't do it, though.
John won't let me touch anything
unless I buy the place first.
Do you want to buy it?
No.
- Anything else I can do?
- Kill me.
- No. Thank you, Damien.
- Right. Bye.
Bye!
Maybe we could call one of
those extreme makeover shows.
I think he likes you.
No, he doesn't.
Well, he could've just called.
He didn't have to come in here.
He doesn't even like leaving his house.
He likes you.
Maybe he likes you.
- Probably. I'm a likeable guy.
- Well, I hope you're happy together.
- We will be.
- What's your favourite thing about him?
- Daniel...
- His eyes.
Barbara's on the phone for you.
- Hi, Mum.
- Daniel, what took you so long?
Just, uh... working hard.
- How are you?
- Fine.
I've been in rehab all
morning, yelling at my physio.
She's very handsy.
Yeah, I think that's their job.
Anyway, I'd better get back to work.
Do you have everything ready
for the open home tomorrow?
- Yep.
- Oh,
so you've moved the mountain, have you?
- I can explain that.
- Can you?
'Cause it seems like you've ruined any
chance we had of selling that property.
No, no, it's... it's like, um...
serving suggestions.
I've taken the images down and
posted a message that it's cancelled.
I'll reschedule it when I'm back.
Well, Mu...
Love you.
She knows?
Yeah.
Does she think I did it?
You did do it.
Yeah, but does she think I did it?
She saw the website and she...
cancelled the open home.
Can't people have spinal surgery
without checking their computers?
Well, something else'll come up.
She's not gonna give me another chance.
Do you... do you know how many
houses I sold on the mainland?
Three?
No, z-zero.
I really thought I was
gonna sell my first one.
Well, sell it, then.
- She cancelled the open home.
- She cancelled it online.
The people who got our
leaflets won't know that,
and it was in the paper.
People might still turn up.
What, furious people
when they don't see a...?
Is that a hedge maze?
I have two ideas.
What's your second idea?
Okay, well, when you're in a bad
mood, what always cheers you up?
There's an interview with Bruce Lee
where he talks about
honestly expressing oneself.
And when I watch it,
I-I get inspired to do...
Free stuff!
You can't stay mad if
you're getting free stuff.
Right.
In Melbourne once I was walking
past this auction and they
had an ice cream stand and they were
giving out free ice creams to anyone.
- And do you know what?
- What?
I bought that house. Most
expensive ice cream I've ever had.
- You didn't buy the house.
- Uh?
No, but you can see
how that could happen.
Em, it's pretty common practice
to give stuff away at these things.
We just don't have any money for it.
Shops will donate stuff. Small
town people are generous, right?
I guess we could say it's good exposure.
I mean, it's free advertising for them.
Well?
It's worth a shot.
Yay!
- To Bruce Lee, the greatest singer...
- No.
- Guitarist...
- Not music.
- Astronaut. Good guy.
- Come on!
We're technically still at work.
_
Ready?
Okay, you take the shops on
the left side of the street
- and I'll take the right.
- Okay.
Does that help?
- What?
- This.
- Is that how I look?
- Sorry, Mrs Marsh.
- What does it do?
- I don't know. I get nervous.
- It shakes off the nerves.
- Oh, you'll be fine.
Just relax, speak confidently.
Oh, I keep forgetting to ask you,
why doesn't anyone
here talk like you do?
- What do you mean?
- In Rosehaven. Like, in your hometown,
I thought everyone here would
sound like you but they don't.
- Like your mum says "balls".
- When did she say "bowls"?
Well, I don't know, but when she says
it, she says "balls" and you don't.
Emma, I don't know what
you're talking about.
- You have an accent.
- No, I don't.
Say "balls".
- "Bowls". I said "bowls".
- No, "balls".
You're not. Say, "It's
wall to wall balls."
- Well, I would never have to say that.
- Just say it.
It's woll to woll bowls.
What's that thing you put soup in?
Bowl.
The round thing you play catch with?
- "Bowl".
- Do you not hear that?!
Say, "Put this ball in this bowl."
Put this "bowl" in this bowl.
- That's just how I say it.
- I always thought you had an accent,
but you just can't talk properly.
- I am talking properly.
- Oh, I've got one.
Say this.
Actually, it might kill you.
I don't know if you're ready.
Bowling "bowl".
I am going to get you
the help that you need.
Well, I don't need help
because I've got this.
Oh, you mean this?
- That's what you do!
- Oh! Got me.
_
Hi, uh...
Cathy.
Uh, I'm Daniel from
McCallum Real Estate.
- I'm hosting an open home tom...
- Oh, you're Barbara's boy.
- Yes.
- Thought you were on the mainland.
- I was.
- Couldn't hack it?
Ah, I'm actually here about an
exciting cross-promotional opportunity
that will, uh, raise
awareness of your brand.
Meat?
Yes. I was hoping to expose your
business to a... to a wider audience.
What is it you want, exactly?
- Sausages?
- How many?
- 40?
- Fine.
Great. Thank you. I'm hoping this
can be the, er, start of an ongoing
- relationship between our businesses...
- That'll be $22.50.
Sure.
This was a great idea!
- What did you get?
- Free clothes from the Op Shop.
Clothes? Em, we can't say,
"Welcome to the open home.
"Please accept this old jumper."
Why not? They're from a
shop. They're still good.
Yeah, but if the Op Shop didn't want
them, what do you think they're like?
Have you... have you opened the bag yet?
Nah.
Eugh! Oooh...
- It's just a bit mothy.
- What'd you get?
- 40 sausages.
- Score!
I paid for 'em.
Okay, strike one and two. We're
still in the game. Come on.
_
_
Okay. Okay, here we go. Here we go.
Uh, Em, I don't think that
plant is getting any shinier.
Do you know I was thinking,
maybe I can't do this.
What?
No, actually I'm fine.
- Em, what... what's up?
- Nothing. I'm fine. I just, um...
I'm just feeling a lot today.
But I'm fine. So let's do this!
Yeah. Uh, it's just that
you're saying you're fine a lot.
- Because I'm fine.
- Em, what's happened?
Nothing, I'm totally fine. I mean,
Josh texted me, but it's totally fine.
Okay. But he-he's been
trying to contact you
- for ages, hasn't he?
- Yes, but he calls...
he calls and I hang up. But this is the
first message that he's gotten through.
"Please answer my calls."
What does that mean?
Uh, answer his, um... You know what?
- Maybe now's not the time...
- I just don't want to talk to him.
I don't want to be insensitive, but
can we go back to when you were fine?
There might be a cry, or
a yell. I'm not sure yet.
No, no, no, Emma, I need happy Emma
to help me talk to strangers
and keep me calm today.
We can... we can both
have breakdowns tomorrow.
I was thinking maybe I
should go back to uni.
- No.
- I mean, all my ideas are dumb, Dan.
All we got yesterday were
40 sausages that you paid for
- and a bag of rubbish from the Op Shop.
- They were just a bit mothy.
There was a dead fish
in one of the hats.
Okay. Well, you made chocolate
crackles and they're excellent.
I did. I just... I-I'm holding you back.
No-no, you're not. See, in fact...
I-I read that a man and woman team sell
more properties. So you know, just...
- Be a woman?
- Yes.
Y-you can do this.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Am-am I in the right place?
- Oh, I hope so.
If you're not, neither are we. Come
in. Um... here's an information sheet.
I'd probably start with the master
bedroom. It's just down the hall.
And by the time you get back
I'll have a pot of tea ready.
- Oh, thank you.
- No worries. I'm Emma, and this
- is Daniel, if you have any questions.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Oh, and please help yourself to
a chocolate crackle?
Thanks.
***
- Em, that was... that was brilliant.
- Oh.
- Was it?
- Yeah, that... that was perfect.
Really? It felt fake.
Well, to me, it felt like someone
honestly expressing themselves.
- Bruce Lee?
- Yep.
Smart. I hope to meet him some day.
- Well, he's dead.
- Oh...
- then we've lost a great netballer.
- I know you know who he is.
Ah, the backyard. Great
for... entertaining.
Does the master bedroom get morning sun?
Uh, yeah, probably.
I put this, uh, pond
in a few years back.
I mean, happy for you to
keep the fish for a small fee.
Where's the water feature?
Uh, it was stolen by robbers
who said they'd never come back.
- John, can I borrow you for one second?
- Ah, yeah.
Told you more people would come.
Yeah, I thought we agreed
it's best if you're not here.
Yeah, but then I thought it would be.
- Oh!
- Are you okay? What's happened? Huh?
Someone threw a spider over the fence.
- Oh, where?
- Oh, give it a rest, Susan!
You started it!
I can't help where they
go once I release 'em!
You release them over my fence!
- Argh!
- Sorry, Susan!
Well, it won't... won't happen again!
John, what's going on?
Oh, look, she's caught me throwing
one over her fence once or twice.
Now she's convinced every spider
in her house comes from me.
- Great.
- Hey, mate!
- It's all freshly laid, all this.
- So sorry.
Well, it's mostly fresh.
Did you concrete over the marble?
Yeah. Hey, come and have a
look at the water feature.
- What?
- Hi,
I'm Emma from McCallum Real Estate.
I am one half of the man-woman team
running the open home next door.
- I'm the woman half.
- What do you want?
I'm glad you asked. I've just
been informed that there's been a
bit of a spiders-over-the-fence
thing happening.
- Personally, I'm cool with it...
- He started it.
Had one land in my drink once.
He thinks it's humane.
Do you think it's humane to fly
through the air and drown in a Mai Tai?
It's how I'd wanna go.
Anyway, I was just wondering if
you could not do that anymore.
He's been doing it for years.
Just for today? And he won't do
it either. Truce. All spiders down.
Look, it's going to be a lot
easier for us to sell his place
if we're not getting nightmare rain.
- Fine.
- Sweet.
Chocolate crackle?
Who says no to you?
What about the mountain?
Uh... erosion?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, but,
you're not... not... not...
listening to what I'm saying.
It's completely different!
Yeah, but you're not seeing
the potential of the place.
Well, I'm seeing a bunch
of power lines outside.
- Hi, I'm, ah, I'm Daniel. Yes.
- Mate, are you... are you the agent?
Oh, wh-where do you get off
advertising a place like this?
- Well...
- Chocolate crackle, anyone?
I've already spotted 15
things wrong with this.
- Did I miss one?
- Look, if you don't like it, just go.
You've wasted our whole day to
come and see this piece of shit.
Hey, this house has been in
my family for two generations.
- 'Cause no one would buy it!
- Yeah, John, let's... let's...
My father built it with his
own blood, sweat and tears.
Well, maybe if he'd used
bricks it'd be in better nick!
- John, let's... Um...
- No, no, no. You know what?
- You don't deserve it. Get out.
- Excuse me?
- No, you heard me. Get out. Go on! Nup.
- John, not a good sales tactic.
It's a fixer-upper!
What are you looking at?
He doesn't come with the house.
I knew he'd mess this up.
Yeah, but you thought heaps of
other things would mess this up too.
Excuse me?
Hi.
Uh, thanks for coming.
Yes, I'm Carol, and this is Martin.
- Hi. I'm Martin.
- I just said that.
Um, Cathy told us there might
be a sausage sizzle on today?
Yes. Um, I did cook some sausages
last night. Ah, they're in the fridge.
I could put them in the
microwave if you want one.
Oh, it's fine. We were coming anyway.
Now, these photos...
- Yes. Uh, sorry about that too.
- A bunch of great ideas here.
Uh... yeah. Yeah. No, we,
um... we thought so too.
Oh, John. Good news.
They're right, you know.
It is a piece of shit.
What? Yeah? That's not true. It's...
Well, that's what they all said today.
No, no, John, your... your
house is a r-renovator's dream.
- Is it?
- Yeah, it's got, um... charm.
- Good windows.
- Great windows.
- Beautiful pond.
- Beautiful pond.
It's a... it's a fixer-upper, right?
Everyone hated it.
They said my carpet was ugly.
Th-Th-the paintwork was all shoddy...
No, no, John, I've got a couple
in there right now who love it.
We-we might have an offer.
They didn't miss the solar panels?
Nope, thought it was a great suggestion.
- And we saved you a chocolate crackle.
- Yes.
Now, can we please go
inside and sell this house?
Argh! Oh, Jesus! Oh! Yes!
Cop that, John, you bastard!
What's your favourite medication?
Um, Triaderm.
Of course. Sounds like a dinosaur.
No, I think I'm just saying that
because I prescribed it this morning,
- and nobody's ever asked me that.
- Ah.
- Must be weird seeing Dan again.
- No, it's nice.
You do know you're like
the worst-case scenario?
A bit, like an ex that
you never really got over
who's now a doctor and
who's lost 30 kilos.
- Dan's changed a lot, too.
- How?
He used to have an overbite.
Here he comes.
Hello!
Grace?
What happened?
A spider fell on your
face and you fainted.
- Because I was brave?
- No.
Susan didn't go for the chocolate
crackles because she's a monster.
- Oh, where's John?
- It's fine. He's inside.
Here we go. Come on.
How long was I out for?
30 years. We've got a
lot to fill you in on.
Maybe 20 minutes.
I'm gonna head inside.
Come in when you're ready.
Oh, did Em draw anything
on my face while I was out?
No, your hand. But she
felt bad and stopped.
Um, Grace, I've got to...
- run back in, but, um...
- Yeah.
thanks for... thanks for being here.
No problem. Feel better.
Oh, I faint all the time. Just,
um, recharging the batteries.
Yep, yeah, step there.
Oh...
Oh, John. I am so sorry.
Ah, don't worry. Susan's got me
a few times with a spider too.
Did you faint?
- No.
- You did.
Carol and Martin. Did... did they leave?
They did. They're still interested.
- Great.
- Yeah.
Yeah, I-I've had a think
about what you said.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, I think maybe I was
being a little bit hasty
about, ah, getting rid of the place.
Oh, no. No, no, no, no, I...
No, it-it's like what you both
said. I mean, it's got charm.
You know, it's on a great block of land.
- We didn't say that.
- Ah, you know,
got a beautiful view of the countryside.
- Or that.
- Yeah.
I think I might stick
around a bit longer.
I don't want to sell anymore.
John, we only said that
stuff to make you feel better.
I mean, you're lucky someone actually
wants to buy this piece of shit.
Get out.
Hey, champ.
Look, you did your best.
He didn't want to sell. What can you do?
Not faint. Not talk him out of selling.
No.
Everyone faints for no reason
and does the opposite of
what their job is sometimes.
Have you called your mum?
No.
I can't call her. I'll text it.
I can pick out some tasteful emojis that
might help soften the blow, if you like.
- I find the praying one is good...
- Oh, shit!
- Oh, Em, I sent your text!
- What? My text? No, you didn't.
- I sent your message.
- You didn't. You didn't!
- Yes! Why didn't you delete the draft?!
- Did you? What'd you do that for?
- You told me to hold my thumbs up!
- What... At least get rid of...
- Can I just get it back?
- No, of course you can't get it back!
It's fine. It'll be fine. It'll be fine.
- She's calling. Shit. Shit.
- Well, maybe...
maybe she'll be happy that he
doesn't want to sell because...
mo' money, mo' problems.
- Hello?
- You sold it?
Under-age pregnancy is no laughing
matter, Daniel, but you did it.
There was some interest.
John decided to stay on a little longer.
what? what are you talking about?
It was his decision. He... he
doesn't want to sell anymore.
Then why the hell did
you send me that text?
It was a draft. Um...
I thought... I thought I
was going to sell the house.
Mum, I'm... I'm... I'm really sorry.
Mo' money, mo' problems?
I'll see you in two days.
Love you.
What can we do?
Go back to Melbourne?
I can't go back. I can't
afford to go anywhere else.
Too old to backpack and
I'm too scared to squat.
Em, you were the one who was wronged.
I replied to Josh.
What'd you send?
"This is the police.
"The woman whose phone
this is is dead in a ditch.
"She died of a broken heart and
also she was pregnant. Fuck you."
Jesus.
- I was really upset.
- Yeah.
- It's bad, isn't it?
- Well...
- I mean, he's the one... Yeah!
- Yeah, he left you on your honeymoon.
It's full on but, yeah,
he... he deserved it.
- What are you doing?
- I'm gonna... I'm gonna go for a walk.
- Oh, okay, I'll get a jumper.
- No, if that's okay. I...
- want to go by myself.
- Why?
I'm just... Clear my head.
- Oh. Give me your shoelaces.
- What?
Just give me your shoelaces so
I know you won't hurt yourself.
I'm not gonna hurt myself. I don't know
how I'd hurt myself with my shoelaces.
Okay, then why do you want to be alone?
- Because I'm upset. No, no, no! No!
- Just give them to me. Just give them
to me then you can go on
your stupid walk, by yourself.
- Em, no! Do what? No. No.
- I'm not gonna let you do this.
- Fine. Fine. Come. Come for the walk.
- Give me this one.
Come for the walk.
- Oh, your tag's sticking out.
- No, no, don't. Don't.
- It's sticking out. It looks dumb.
- Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.
- It looks bad. I'm helping.
- Here we go. Stop it!
Someone else has been in here.
- It's Bruce.
- Are you mad?
This is where I came
to get away from him.
I don't want to regret never
standing up to him my whole life.
- Let's do this!
- Woo!
I don't want to do this.
He replaced my sunscreen
with liquid paper once.
Do you want to stand up to Bruce or not?
- "Fuck you."
- No, no.
No, it doesn't... no, no...
- Bruce is a piece of shit.
- What?
The chimney!
15.