Rosehaven (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Episode #1.2 - full transcript

Do I have to call you boss or anything?

You can if you want.

Or sir, Mr McCallum.
Whatever feels right.

Dum-bum?

You know, once we get in
there I'm your manager,

so prepare to be managed.

Uh.. Oh...

Thank you.

- Good morning, Mrs Marsh.
- Oh, hello.

- How are things?
- Good.

- Any calls?
- No.



- Any messages?
- No.

Emails?

No.

Good book?

No.

Thank you for choosing McCallum
Real Estate. This is Daniel.

Yes, I'd love to sell your
house for a billion dollars.

Excuse me, Sir Boss.

First customer?

Close. There's still no milk.

Ooh, here we go.

Time to real estate.

Hi. Uh, thank you for choosing
McCallum Real Estate.

This is... I'm Daniel. Hi.



What can I do for... all of you?

Where's Barbara?

Where's Barbara?

Uh, she's away at the
moment, so I am in charge.

Wait, you're not Danny
McCallum, are you?

- Daniel.
- I thought you were on the mainland.

Uh, I was. I came back to...

You couldn't hack it?

You probably don't remember me, do you?

Uh...

Olive. I'm not surprised.

You and your mother never turned up

to any of the Neighbourhood
Watch meetings.

Well, to be fair, there's
no crime in Rosehaven.

- Thanks to us.
- Nice.

Yeah, sorry, how can I help all of you?

The locksmith's retired.

His son Damien's taking over.

Good?

Not good. Damien's a weirdo.

I don't want him
with the means to get into my house.

No one here does. He's odd.

Saw him smelling a bush
with no flowers once.

Okay. Um...

You tell him he's got no business
being Rosehaven's locksmith.

Well, maybe he doesn't want to do it.

Who wants to do their parents' job?

It's like, find your own path,
right? Sorry.

He wants to do it.

You'll meet him. You'll see.

You won't want him creeping
about in your undergarments.

- Does he do that?
- Probably.

And he's a hoarder.

Yeah, sorry, we need a locksmith, so...

I do not want Damien Nedbits
sneaking round my laundry,

putting my pegs on himself.

- Why... why would he...?
- Let's go.

How's it going?

The closest eyebrow place
is an hour and a half away.

No, no, locksmiths. Is there
anyone other than Damien?

Oh. One, but he's really far away
and he said he'd charge extra.

Maybe we should call Barbara.

No, I don't want to call her with
a problem my first day in charge.

I'm sure we can work this out.

Are locksmiths allowed
to visit people in jail?

I don't know. Do they check
visitors' jobs when you go in?

Like, "Hello, I'd like to see my
friend. I'm a demolitions expert"?

No, I'm not going to let you in.
Get out of here.

- You're a demolitions expert.
- Is there a problem, Miss?

All right. Can you give him
this large, ticking cake, please?

I'll find out how much
we paid the old locksmith.

Maybe the call-out fee isn't that bad.

Good plan. I'm going to the op shop.

- What for?
- I need clothes.

- Okay. You can go on your break.
- Great.

No, no, I meant you can go on
your break, which is later.

Okay, I'll move it to now.

Okay, but that means
you can't take your break later.

Well, who knows what'll happen later.

- Well, I do. You'll be working.
- See ya!

- Hi, excuse me. I'm...
- Hello.

- Hi.
- I haven't seen you before.

Are you lost, or...?

No, I'm just down visiting.
I'm a Rosehaven virgin.

Oh. So what are you doing here?

- Flat tyre, or...?
- No.

- Do you know Daniel McCallum?
- Danny?

- Yes.
- There's a Rosehaven virgin.

Glad he's found someone.

Me? Oh, no, we're friends.

Oh. Poor Danny. Again.

But he's had sex, on the mainland.
Heaps. Too much.

Oh. Well, really. Well, go, Danny.

Yeah, he's been bangin'.
Anyway, I need some clothes.

- I've only got this and beach wear.
- Oh.

Beach wear?

I say dress for the weather you want.

Oh. Well, what about this blazer?

Dying to get rid of it.

Is it haunted?

No, Ruby Maxwell brought it in

and she's constantly popping by
to see if someone's bought it.

I think she regrets giving it away,
but she's too proud to buy it back.

Her husband bought it for her...

after he unfriended her on Facebook

because her posts were too long.

- And they were too long...
- Sorry, I just have to take this.

- Sorry.
- Okay.

Hi, Mum. It's, um... good.

I just, uh... Listen, Josh and I
are having sex right now.

Yeah. Well, it's our honeymoon,
what are we gonna...

Bali's beautiful, and I will put
some photos up not of us having sex.

Okay, I've gotta go. Sorry about that.

- Is everything all right?
- Yeah!

Um, do you know,
I will take that blazer.

What else have you got?

- I'll take this one.
- Yes.

That, and something from over...
from those stands as well.

- Brown.
- Brown is good.

Love a bit of brown?

Yeah, I'll take that one, and that one.
Do you have bags?

- So many.
- Great.

- Do you need a hand?
- No.

Do you... need... a...

porcelain cow?

- Thanks.
- How'd you go?

Well, I couldn't find out
how much we paid the old locksmith

because Mrs Marsh wouldn't give me
the internet banking password.

Your mother wouldn't want you
snooping around on there.

Well, you can't snoop around
a business you're in charge of.

I'm sorry.

I, uh... called Damien, he charges
a lot less than everyone else.

Great. We'll use him.

Yeah...

What?

Well, he sounded a bit... weird.

So?

Well, I mean,
we need to be able to trust him.

He's going to have access to
everyone's homes, so...

I'm going to go and meet him
and see what he's like.

Where?

He invited me round to his place.

Yes!

What?

He's a hoarder.

I still think you should have washed it.

It's fine. They wash them.

Yeah, I don't think they do.

Oh, well.

Yeah?

Hi, Damien. Uh, I'm Daniel.
This is Emma.

From McCallum Real Estate.

I know. I wasn't expecting anyone else.

Have a seat.

- Oh! Magazines!
- Thanks for coming over.

I don't like going out unless I have to.

Do you know you could
sell these to dentists?

Um... yeah, yeah. Looks like
you've got everything here.

Do you know all of the things you have?

Like, do you know what's in that box?

Not sure.

And you don't feel trapped?

No. I find it comforting.

It is a bit, isn't it?

I always thought I'd be a hoarder.
You know, if I had more stuff.

I was expecting it to be more hoardery.

Like, no offence, but it's
just kind of cluttered.

You can have a look around if you like.

Yes, please.

Uh, yeah, so, um... Damien,
thanks for inviting us over.

I wanted to meet you if we were
going to be working together.

So your Dad's retired?

Yes.

And you're planning on
taking over his business?

Yeah. I can do odd jobs too.
Painting, maintenance. Whatever.

What's this?

Uh, that's the bottle cap of
every beer I've ever drunk.

Amazing.

So is there a code of
ethics for locksmiths?

- Um...
- I just cut keys.

Sure. You've never been to jail, or...?

- What?
- Nothing.

I love your place.

Do you guys want some Frangelico?

- Oh!
- No, we should be going.

We just got here.

Is this... is this a box of
just left-handed gloves?

Yeah. Yeah, the right
ones are over there.

Really?

So you'll call me when you need me?

Um... yeah, well..

I found a match!

What's that?

Ooh, troll dolls!

I like him. Upstanding citizen.

Completely trustworthy.
Good cook, I imagine.

You're not worried about
your undergarments?

What? No. Didn't even think
about him in my undergarments.

Shut up.

I can kind of see why Olive's worried.

- Why?
- Well, he's a bit odd.

So what? Gherkins are odd,
and they're delicious.

They just get a bad rap
because they look gross,

and gherkin is the worst word ever.

- I reckon 'brittle' is.
- What?

Brittle. When is something
good if it's brittle?

- Peanut brittle.
- Hey.

Oh!

You forgot this.

- Oh, um, my wallet.
- Mm-hm.

- Thanks, Damien.
- See ya.

You're welcome.

For what?

Honesty test.

I left your wallet in there,
and he didn't steal anything.

Well, why didn't you use your wallet?

- How'd you get...
- Would you focus?

That guy is a good guy.

Okay.

Where'd you get a basketball?

Mrs Marsh gave it to me.

I thought you two might
like to have a play.

You used to love basketball, Daniel.

Yeah, well, I'm not a kid anymore.
I'm sorry, Mrs Marsh, that was rude.

Damien, pros and cons.

Pros, he lives here. He's cheap.

He's got at least 25 toasters.

Is that a pro?

Cons, nothing. This is stupid.
Let's play basketball.

Em...

What have you got against hoarders?

Nothing. It's just...

this is the first decision I've
ever made for the business.

I want to make sure it's the right one.

Did you call Greg to see if
he has a criminal record?

Yes. And no.

You did call him?

Yeah. And no to the other bit.

- About him having a record?
- Yes.

Damien doesn't have a record?

No, Damien doesn't have a record.

See, by saying such a short
answer at the start,

it's your fault this
interaction took so long.

He's just trying to follow
in his dad's footsteps

and everyone is against him.

Remind you of anyone?

Yeah, you're right. I'll call him.

Besides, Olive and the
Neighbourhood Watch

can't tell me how to
run my own business.

I'll book a meeting
with them at the pub.

Now you're sounding like a Sir Boss.

- You should get a briefcase.
- I'll get two briefcases.

You'll need two briefcases to
hold all your mother's respect.

This is crazy. How many people are
there in the Neighbourhood Watch?

Oh, heaps. Olive's very
passionate about it.

She's very persuasive about memberships.

And you're sure Damien's trustworthy?

Oh, yeah, no problems at all.
His dad was great.

Really kind, generous.
Olive's just being Olive.

Damien's a good kid.

Right.

Course it could just mean
he never got caught.

Thanks, Dave.

Hey, great blazer.

You can't have it back, Ruby.

Hi.

Grace, hi.

Um, are you in the
Neighbourhood Watch too?

No, and I normally avoid the meetings,

but I heard you'll be
standing up to Olive.

Oh, not really standing up to her...

You'll be great, if
you do a good speech.

Thanks.

Um... so do you come here, to this bar?

I should have just said 'often'.

I was trying to put my own spin on it.

The pub? In the daytime? Not
usually, but maybe I should.

Forming positive social relationships

can increase a person's lifespan

to an equal or greater extent
than physical exercise.

I try and do both.

Oh, Dan, Dan... Gez has got
this metal detector and...

Hi, Grace... and Daniel, talking.

- Hi.
- You know Gez.

Yes. Hey, Gez.

- Welcome back, Danny.
- Daniel.

I hear you're having a lot
of sex on the mainland.

Come on, we should probably get started.

Oh...

You ready?

Can't I just tell them all individually?

No. Just read out your statement.
I'll be right here.

Okay.

Ooh, do you want me to
do a joke at the start?

- Warm the crowd up?
- What's the joke?

- It involves the C-word.
- No.

Your loss.

- Here we go.
- Wait, wait, wait...

Ting, ting, ting, ting,
ting, ting, ting!

Hi. Um...

Uh, hi. Thank you for... for coming.

Firstly I'd like to thank Dave
for letting us use the pub today.

No worries, you can pay me at the end.

Sorry? Pay? Why?

You've displaced my regular customers.

- We are your regular customers.
- Shut up, Phil.

Are we having this
meeting or not, Danny?

Daniel. Yes.

I understand

you don't, uh, want Damien Nedbits
to take over as locksmith.

- Correct.
- Right.

Well, I have it on good authority
that Damien is an upstanding citizen

and fully capable of
performing this position,

as confirmed by Officer Greg Hardwick.

He's in the toilet.

I still don't trust him.

His dad was the last locksmith.

- I... don't... care.
- No, no.

Em's right. He's just trying to
take over the family business.

We're not going to stop him doing it.

In fact...

McCallum Real Estate will
be using his services

for all our locksmithing
and handyman needs.

If he...

Fine. But if he screws
up, it's your head.

Well, that's a bit dramatic.

And as a gesture of goodwill,

we are willing to allow
you to buy us a drink

to consolidate the agreement.

Okay, well, one each, and beer only.

- I'll try a sangria, Dave.
- Me too!

We should have beer work
meetings in pubs every day.

Yeah, don't get used to it.

Thank you for choosing McCallum
Real Estate. This is Daniel.

Bloody long intro.

- Hi, Mum. How are you?
- Bored.

Waiting to go into surgery. It's
taking forever. What's the latest?

Are there ants in the kitchenette?

- No.
- Good.

Hey, I tried to get into
the online banking today,

and I think you might have forgotten
to give me the password.

You don't need it.

No... Well, I do...

No, you don't need to
look into the banking.

Mum, I'm not embezzling...

Just answer the phone
and stay out of the finances.

I'll fix it when I'm back.

Fix it?

Finally! Only 30 minutes late.
Is that a record for you guys?

I gotta go.

Love you...

What's going on?

Hi, mate!

Oh, check it out.

Jean hat!

Gez, who knows everything
about everyone, by the way,

said the previous owner
got his foot run over by a tractor,

but after he got rid of the hat,

so I figure it's good luck.

Are you... okay?

Yeah!

It's just you're rummaging through
a bunch of garbage bags

in the middle of the night.

Mum won't stop calling,
asking how the honeymoon's going,

and I don't know enough about Bali
to keep lying to her,

so I've started telling her
population stats from Wikipedia.

- Well, just tell her you're here.
- No!

I don't want to deal with it.
That's why I'm here.

Oh, saucepan clock!

I'll be fine. Go back to bed.

No, I... can't sleep either.

- Bladder problems?
- No.

I just... I don't think the business
is in as good a shape as Mum let on.

She wouldn't give me
the banking password.

Oh. How bad is it?

I don't know,

but I'm assuming if she won't
let me look, it's in the red.

Is that the good one?

Hmm?

I never know if in the red
or in the black is good.

- They both sound bad.
- Red... red is bad.

- Red is bad.
- Red is bad.

- What's green?
- There is no green.

Okay. Honestly, what do you think?

It's... gooooood.

It's for you.

- The hat was a joke.
- Oh, thank God.

Mrs Marsh put new batteries in.

Hi, Greg! Are you okay?

Uh, yeah. Just a bit of a... mob.

A mob?

Yeah, when people
got home after the meeting,

they noticed stuff was missing,

and... Olive did a ring-around
and now they're all blaming Damien.

- Oh, no.
- What stuff?

Oh, appliances, tools, bits and pieces.

Nothing worth that much,
but they're furious.

And now they've gone around there
to give it to him... get it from him.

Well, both, really. It could get nasty.

I need you to come and talk 'em down.

Yeah, let's go!
You've got the police on your side.

One.

Yeah, but he's got a gun, right, Greg?

I wish.

Hang on, Greg, can't you have a
first pass at sorting it out

and then come and grab me if you need?

- Come on. This is our fault.
- Our fault?

- You did vouch for him.
- So did you!

I think they could be headed here
next unless we get it sorted.

Shotgun front seat!

All right, just let me get my... I
don't know what you bring to a mob.

Let's go.

Show yourself, please!

Damien Nedbits,
get out here now!

Come on!

Come out and deny it!

Say you haven't been breaking into
our homes and stealing our things!

I want my footbath!
My feet are disgusting!

Arrest him!

Please return to your homes.

Oh, stay out of it, Greg.

I did what I could.

I can talk to him.
We understand each other.

Did he just go through a break-up too?

What?

Oh, I heard about the honeymoon stuff.

Don't worry, your secret's safe with me.

Though to be fair,
I'm usually the last one told.

- I didn't tell anyone.
- I know.

Hi, guys.

- Can we come in?
- Sure.

Sorry about the honeymoon.

Yeah, so you know

how there's a group of angry people
on your front lawn?

- Yeah.
- I feel like I should join them, okay?

- I stood up for you...
- Thanks, mate.

No, I shouldn't have,

because you broke into
their houses and took...

No, he didn't take anything!

- No, I did.
- Dammit.

Damien, is everything in there stolen?

Oh, no, I didn't steal anything.

You're an apologist for
the establishment.

Settle down, everybody. Just...
just... settle down.

- Really!
- Just piss off, Greg.

Now, I know you don't mean that.

I'll leave you to it.

Did you fire him? Send him out.

Listen, he did take some stuff...

- Uh...
- I knew it!

- No, no, let me finish.
- Wait till Barbara hears about this.

No, no, no, he only took the stuff
his dad loaned to all of you.

The stuff you never gave back.

What?

Well, the stuff you never returned,
like...

Olive.

You've had his dad's
lawnmower since 2010.

No, I got that mower from...

Frank? Where's Frank?

Frank, it's been three and a half years.

You must have watched the
Godfather DVDs by now.

Not the third one. I've been flat out.

And Phil?

You've had his dad's fishing
rod, fold-up chair, esky...

He wasn't using any of that stuff.

Well, I'm gonna go off script and
say that's because you had them.

Ruby, you've had his
blender for a year now.

Steve? Where's Steve?

And in here, just sponges.

Never been wet.

You must be so mad at them.

I don't really get mad.
It gives me headaches.

I do. Bloody Gez!

Now everyone knows.

Yeah, but now everyone knows.

Want to fill up the bath

and see if we can absorb all the
water if we tip these sponges in?

Yes, please.

Damien's dad was one of the most
generous people in Rosehaven

and you all took advantage.

You knew he wasn't going to ask
for any of that stuff back.

Hang on, he's still trespassing
on private property.

Oh, shut up, Olive.

Good one, Phil.

Good to see someone
finally stand up to Olive.

- Hi.
- She's a difficult patient.

Keeps bringing me handouts
from the internet

and saying, "I have this, fix it."

Yeah, she's... she's
tricky to deal with.

I didn't think real estate would
involve so many speeches.

- Oh, I'm freezing. Let's go.
- Hi, Grace!

- What happened?
- Sponge fight.

Well, don't get in the car like that!

Oh...

312 sponges?

Give or take.

I'm glad you were keeping busy while
I was dealing with an angry mob.

I was on my break.

Why are you so upset? We did good.

Is it the banking stuff?

Yeah. I just wish Mum'd
tell me what's going on.

She will. She's probably just...

- Insert good reason.
- That's pretty lazy.

Sorry.

You gonna tell her?

Might as well. Gez has
probably already told her.

Aloha!

I'm good, Mum.

Um, listen, just quickly...

uh... so I'm not in Bali.

We broke up.

I'm in Tasmania with Daniel and
I'm going to stay here for now.

That's not true. I've done
heaps more immature things.

Okay, I've gotta go. Bye.

Hey, if I get this in,

everything works out
brilliantly for both of us,

personally and financially,

and all our wildest dreams come true.

You got this.

- I'm cold.
- One more.