Rosehaven (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Episode #1.1 - full transcript

Nothing.

Good start.

Ooh.

Thank you.

Hmm?

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

- Mmm.
- Good?

- Emma?
- Daniel?

Can I just say...

you look fat and your dress is terrible.

- So, you look great.
- Thank you.



- I got you something.
- Oh, thank you.

- A... necklace?
- A locket.

Look inside.

- It's you.
- Yeah.

Okay, two things.

Thank you, um, and I don't want it.

Because it's a necklace? Grow up.

- No.
- Men can wear necklaces.

Yeah, but not with a photo of their
best friend in a love heart.

- What's Josh gonna think?
- He has my real heart.

Eww.

- Listen, you're going overseas.
- Tasmania.

- Your mum's dying.
- Having a minor back operation.

You're gonna run her business
and you're terrible at business.



Am I? Because she's asked for my help
and she's never done that before

so she must think I've
got some skills, hm.

I just don't think
you've prepared yourself

- for how this is gonna affect you.
- What?

Missing me.

I'm not gonna miss someone
spewing in my dishwasher.

Well, you shouldn't have left it open.

You're right. I was...
I was asking for it.

- You're acting really ungrateful.
- Sorry.

- It was just a little weird, is all.
- You know what? Give it back.

- No, give it back. You don't want it.
- No, no, no, no.

- You obviously don't want it.
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I'm being silly. It is the best.

- Thank you.
- So are you gonna wear it?

Yeah.

- You put on a locket.
- Okay.

I'm getting married, I'm not
going to war, you idiot.

I thought there was a trap.

We gotta go.

Okay.

I just need your help
with something first.

This is nice.

Are you peeing?

I think so.

You're being a really great bridesmaid.

Do I have to do this at
the wedding, as well?

- If you want to.
- No.

Okay, I'm finished.

Well, what do we do now?

I dunno.

Remember, you're not
just in charge of a business,

you're in charge of you.

The past is a picture. Now is a mirror.

The future is a blank canvas.

You could draw a lion,
that's you as a lion.

Danny McCallum?

It's Daniel.

- Thought it was you. Welcome back.
- Sergeant Hardwick?

Yeah. Oh, Greg, please.
You're an adult now.

Remember I used to do
talks at your school?

Uhh... yeah, bullying.

Stop bringing it on yourself.

Very powerful.

Never seemed to work
with you, though, Danny.

Kids loved to bully ya.
Especially my son.

Sorry about Bruce.

It's probably just... just the red hair.

No, I don't think so.

So, what happened? You couldn't
hack it on the mainland?

Uh, well, actually, I've come to, uh,

fill in for my mum
at the real estate agency.

- Barbara?
- Yeah.

Ohh. Big shoes to fill.

I used to try my mum's shoes
as a kid, so...

Ah, you wear your mother's shoes?

Not anymore.

Anyway, good to see you.

Yeah, yeah, look, uh, I'll let ya
go. We'll grab a beer sometime.

Definitely, definitely. See ya later.

Sorry, did you want to
get the beer now or...?

Uh, no, no. I...

forgot to give you your ticket.

You were speeding back there.

I'll see ya later.

_

Hello.

Hi, uh, Mrs Marsh.
It's... it's me. Daniel.

I know. I used to babysit you.

Yeah, I know. It's...
it's been, like, 10 years.

I've been... How are you?

Good. Good.

You've had a haircut.

Yeah, I've had heaps.

Anyway, good to see you.

Office looks... good.

Is Mum around?

Nope.

Oh, do you mind if I get that?
I'm keen to get started.

Thank you for choosing McCallum
Real Estate. This is Daniel.

Uh, Daniel.

Uh, Barbara's son.

Uh, no, no. Barbara's not here.

Um, is there anything I can do for you?

Hey!

- Hi.
- You took your time.

Yeah, sorry. Uh, Terry. Daniel.

Don't worry about that.

- Open the bloody door!
- Yes. Of course.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

What?!

What have you done?

Hi. I'm sorry, uh... who are you?

We live here.

Right. Uh, I... I assumed
the place was empty.

Terry reckons because he's the landlord

he can just come in whenever
he wants and use the bathroom.

I'm sorry, what?

- I caught him having a shower once.
- Hm.

I had to throw out my loofah.

Yeah, we had his key taken away
and you bloody let him in again.

How'd you get a key?

Uh, no, sorry. I'm, uh...
I'm Barbara's son. I'm Daniel.

I'm the new real estate agent.

Whew. That was close.

You can't keep doing this, Terry.

It's my house.

Yeah. You don't live here anymore.

Well, tell him.

Terry, don't you have your own toilet?

On the other side of town
but, uh, I fish down the road.

Where else am I supposed to go?

The bushes?

For number twos? Get real.

Terry, on the lease agreement it
states you can't enter the property

without giving the
tenants proper notice.

- I'm the landlord.
- Yes...

I let them stay here out of the...
goodness of my heart.

Oh, we pay rent, Terry.

I can't use my own toilet?

- He pisses on the seat.
- It's my seat.

I'm changing the bloody locks.

- Uh, no, no, it's...
- I'll break a window.

I don't care because they're my windows.

- Okay, well...
- Smash a window and I'll smash you!

Guys.

- I feel another one coming on.
- No, Terry.

- Don't even think about it.
- Babe. Babe!

Uh...

- Stop, Terry!
- Um, sorry, if you just...

Terry! Get off him!

Hello? Uh... guys...
if you could just...

- Terry!
- Listen for one second. Uh...

All of ya, shut up!

Hi, Mum.

Um...

Thanks for your help in there.

You're not even supposed to be
in the office until tomorrow.

Well, I was just trying to let
someone into their house.

How was I supposed to know he's...?

You shouldn't have gone off without me.

Is your back okay?

Fine.

- Ya eaten?
- Uh, no.

- Just head home.
- I'll see ya there tonight.

Love you.

Did I tell you I was thinking
about buying a mountain bike?

Yes.

Good.

I wasn't sure if I had... told you.

Looking forward to starting tomorrow.

I've got a few ideas...

You're just covering while
I have the operation.

- Yeah, but I just want to...
- Your job is to answer the phone

and make sure we don't have
any ants in the kitchenette.

Yeah, I know, but if I'm gonna be
taking over one day I wanna...

That's funny, I don't remember
asking you to take over.

Do you have any other
children I'm not aware of?

Daniel, I just need you to
answer the phone and babysit.

No surprises.

Fine.

Oh, thank God!

The last three houses I went to
thought I was a stripper-gram.

- Is this where you grew up?
- What are you...?

Wow. It looks so great. Oh!

Um, Em, what are you doing here?

Oh, Tasmania had a particularly
nice weather forecast this week.

- Hello.
- Aren't you supposed to be in Bali?

I'm fine, thank you.
Are you gonna introduce me?

Um, Mum, this is Emma.

Um, she's... visiting.

Emma, this is my mum, Barbara.

Daniel's told me a lot
about you over the years.

Oh, it's all lies.

I certainly hope so.

Are you masturbating?

Yes. Over this.

You look like a mad scientist

who's accidentally turned
himself into a child.

Thank you.

Very kind.

Um, can we talk about what happened now?

We can talk about what just happened.

Robert De Niro movie, which
was, frankly, underrated.

Emma, you've had a fight and panicked.

You can't just run to me anymore.
Does Josh know where you are?

Yes.

No.

- You're married now.
- He left.

He left me. Yes.

On our honeymoon, which turns
out is a thing that can happen,

that I didn't even know I was
supposed to be worried about.

Um...

I'm sorry.

I thought the honeymoon period was
supposed to last the honeymoon.

Apparently he's been thinking about it
for a long time, which is humiliating.

Then... then why the wedding?

Well, he thinks he was in denial.

And I was so excited about the
wedding that he c... I dunno.

And then we had this
big fight, and, um...

Can I break this?

I actually had that since I was a kid.

Yeah, sure, go ahead.

We were at this restaurant on the beach

and they had these, um,
tanks of live lobsters

and I was drinking and I
thought they looked so sad

- so I grabbed one.
- Out of the tank?

Yeah, and I ran down the
beach towards the water

to, you know, set it free.

- That's very good of you.
- Well, I didn't make it.

The waiter attacked me
before I could get it there.

Anyway, Josh was furious.

He said I'd embarrassed him again,
and he couldn't do it anymore.

Well, that sucks, Em.

And the lobster pinched me.

Can I do anything?

Uh...

Clothes?

My suitcase is mainly
sarongs and lingerie.

My wardrobe too.

We'll sort something out.

Thanks.

That's fine.

If you need me, I'm right next door.

I know. Goodnight.

Goodnight, Em.

- I'm not in bed yet.
- Oh, yep, sorry.

- Is that a glass of milk?
- Yes.

- It's for cereal.
- It's also for drinking.

Are you Santa Claus?

I need to stop in at the
doctors before we go in today.

- Emma?
- Yes?

What are your plans?

Uhh... I thought I'd come with you.

- I'm going to work.
- He's going to work.

Yeah, I know. Please?

I'll stay out of the way.
I just need the distraction.

I just can't think about my
life too much right now.

Well, you can't come into the
office looking like that.

I feel like bunion is
wasted on a foot condition.

It's a fun word.

- Bunion.
- Hm.

I'm sure one of them is...
dying, or something.

All done. Congratulations
on the baby, you two.

- Thank you.
- Thanks.

Probably be a shit baby, I think.

If you have any more questions,
Barbara, just call my mobile.

I know.

Grace.

Hi, Daniel.

Hi. Hi.

Sorry I'm not more excited to see you.

I've known for a few weeks
that you were coming back,

and for the last 20 minutes
that you were sitting out here.

Um, wh... what are you...

What are you doing here?

Uh, my rural placement.

I can't wait to get out, to be honest.

No offence, Barbara.

I don't care.

- Uh, sorry, this is, uh, Grace.
- Hi.

- Hi.
- I haven't seen you since, um...

- We broke up.
- Yes.

Oh, you're Grace? Oh, I
have heard so many...

- Uh, it's good to... uh, stop.
- Has he talked...

- No, but... Stop, please.
- Oh.

It's good to see you. You look,
um... you look... look great.

I've lost 30 kilos.

Well, it is a lot of, um, kilos.

Well, it's just maths in the end.

You eat less calories than
your body needs for fuel

and you'll lose weight.

Uhh, it is maths. Um...

I mean, there's the number pi
and then there's real pies.

I mean, you wouldn't want to eat
3.14 pies if you're losing weight.

I'm sorry.

Daniel, the surgeon will send
through a list of instructions

for Barbara after her operation.

Make sure she follows them.

I'm standing here.

- I will. I will.
- It's nothing.

No, it's not nothing, Barbara.
It's a spinal fusion.

Will Mum still be able to go
to the toilet by herself?

- Jesus.
- Yes.

You should come and see me some time.

Uh...

Yeah, I'd love to.

I'd, um... I'd love that, yeah.

You love getting a check-up?

Yes.

See ya later.

Nailed it.

There's two men in town
both called Dave Gouling.

If one calls and he sounds old,
he's one of our best tenants.

If he's got a high voice,
it's the other Dave.

Hang up on him. He's prank calling ya.

- Okay.
- Sorry, is this the whole thing?

- Yeah.
- This is all of it?

Yeah, the whole town's like
one supermarket aisle.

I love it! It's like a toy town.

Is that a craft shop?

- How long?
- Just a little while if that's okay.

- Is it a drug thing?
- Nope.

Is it normal her turning
up on your doorstep?

Yes, but please do not
ask too many questions.

She's pretty upset right now.

Did you see that guy in that car
did a country "I know you" nod

to a lady on the street.

Do you want one?

Yeah.

Seems upset.

Does her family know about this?

Uh, I'm sure they do.

Sorry, that can't be right.

The 24-hour emergency butcher?

Emergency butcher? That's so weird.

The woman who owns it, Liz out the
back, says she keeps it open.

What's so weird about that?

Nothing.

- It is weird, right?
- Yeah.

The printer only takes
paper from the blue tray.

The paper in the red tray won't work.

Why do we have that paper, then?

Make sure you use the white
vinegar under the sink

to clean the mould in the bathroom.

Yeah, Mum, that's more of a life tip.

Is there anything work-related
I can help you with today?

An inspection? Follow up on a listing?

We're out of milk.

Hi, Mum. Um, Bali is lovely.

No diarrhoea yet, no.

Um, I know I haven't put any
photos up yet but we're just...

we're just really busy
having a really good time.

Oh. Oh, you know, like, um,
yesterday we were on the beach

and had a coconut fight.

Yes, it was dangerous.

McCallum Real Estate.

Hi, June.

You're shitting me.

I'll be right there.

Sounds like 40 Katherine
Street's got a dog again.

I'm going round. I can handle this.

What?

- The dog, let me take care of it.
- Like yesterday?

Well, that was a bit
weird but this isn't.

Just tell the tenant they
can't have a dog. Easy.

Whoo, sounds exciting. Can I come?

Yeah, it'll be like work experience.

Aren't you a bit old
for work experience?

Yeah.

Must be great having
him here to help out.

Two real estate agents
in the one family.

- What are the chances?
- What are the chances?

Fine. Let's see how you go.

Yes. Thank you. You made
the right choice. Put 'em in.

Mum's not keen. Let's go.

Alrighty, who have we got?

- Bruce... Nup. We're leaving.
- What?

- It's Bruce Hardwick's house.
- Who?

Bruce Hardwick, he used
to bully me at school.

I'm not... I can't go in there.

Are you serious? School was ages ago.

Yeah, but he was relentless.
He stole my undies once.

- Ohh, that's nothing.
- I was wearing them.

Even got my safety pair.

- He won't recognise you.
- I can't risk it.

You told your mum you'd take care of it.

Well, she's probably forgotten.
It was like 10 minutes ago.

Hey, do you know why I'm here?

Because of the honeymoon thing?

Well, yeah.

But also, to watch my best
friend kick arse at real estate.

Have I wasted a trip?

- No.
- Yes!

All right, give me a sec.

No, no, no, no, no, no!

- I'm a lion.
- You're a what?

Hello?

Hello?!

What are you guys doing here?

Um, hi, ah, Bruce.

We're from the real estate agency.

Uh, y-y-your door was
unlocked, so we just...

Oh.

Yeah, I always think, uh...

locks are keeping me in rather
than keeping people out.

Cool.

Yeah, we had a call you might
be keeping a dog here.

No. No dogs here.

All right, thanks for your time.

Would you hang on? I mean...

There... there's a dog bowl right there.

- So what?
- Yeah, so what?

- Could be anyone's.
- Daniel!

You're not Danny McCallum, are ya?

Uh...

I haven't seen you since school.

Where have you been?

Well, actually, I've been on
the mainland. Came back to...

- You couldn't hack it?
- Well...

What did you used to
stick up your butthole?

What?

Yeah, you used to stick stuff
up ya butthole. What was it?

No, that was a song you made up
about me. It never happened.

This guy could not take a joke.

This one time, we chucked
him off this cliff...

Hey! It's awful those things
you did to him back then,

and it's awful you bringing
them up now, okay?

So what if he used to stick
stuff up his butthole?

- Em...
- He was young. He was experimenting.

I didn't stick anything up my butthole.

- How is that helping?
- You should be proud of yourself.

Bruce, we're here to
talk about your dog.

Bones.

See?

That is the biggest dog I've ever seen.

Not doing anything.

It's like three dogs in a dog suit.

Bruce, you can't have a dog here.
It's in the lease.

What am I supposed to do? Kill it?

No, isn't there someone
you can leave him with?

- No one will take him, he's a menace.
- I don't think you could kill it.

- We should call Barbara.
- I'm not calling Barbara.

- She might be able to help.
- No, no, no, definitely no.

No, no, no. Not on my first...

I'm gonna... I'm gonna go get some
paperwork from the... the car.

Yeah, I'll miss him.

Thanks, Bruce. We really appreciate it.

I'll just need a couple more
hours just to say goodbye.

- Oh, yeah, sure. Whatever you need.
- Thanks, Bruce.

- How did you...?
- Just kept being charming until

he agreed to give it to a friend.

And he was fine with that?

Yeah. I mean, it's not
like he can't visit him.

And I told him this way, he doesn't
have to clean up after him either.

He just gets to do fun
hanging out stuff.

You know, deep down, everyone
just wants to be a weekend dad.

Okay, well... Great.

Um, good. Uh... thank you.

You're welcome.

- Hey, when we tell Mum...
- Totally.

Bullshit.

It's true. Dan convinced him
to get someone to take the dog.

Daniel?

Ah, yeah, yeah.

He came around eventually once
I took him through the lease.

Impressed?

A little.

Put 'em in.

You know how this works, right, Mum?

I'll always be on my mobile.

You've got the number for the
landline for the hospital?

Yes. Yes. Mum, I could've driven you.

- Call me any time.
- Yes.

Any time I have any questions
about anything, I will.

Ah. Oh!

- Sorry, you okay?
- Yeah.

I'll call you tomorrow.

Emma?

Yes?

Stay away from the dishwasher.

Bye, Mum.

Shotgun your mum's bed.

Nooo. No.

I'm married.

Yeah.

Am I supposed to do
something about that?

I mean, technically, right now,
I am married but I am single.

What do you wanna do?

I... have no idea.

Well...

I was thinking, if you are gonna
stick around a little longer...

maybe you might like to work with me.

Hm?

If you hadn't been there today I never
would've gone to Bruce's house.

- You would've.
- Nah, no, I wouldn't have.

I mean, how... how would you feel
about helping me out at the office?

I don't want to do any work.

Well, we can discuss that but...
it'll be more fun with you there.

- Well, obviously.
- Arrogant.

I'll need shampoo.

Pharmacy's closed.

I can get you a steak.

So you can stick it up your butthole?

I'm glad you're staying.

Bruce?

Hey.

- Where'd you want the dog?
- What?

We might have a dog now.
Anything we should know?

Yeah, he bites and he hasn't
had any of his shots.

Oh, here we go.

- Time to real estate.
- The locksmith's retired.

I do not want Damien Nedbit
sneaking around my laundry,

putting my pegs on himself.

Is there a code of
ethics for locksmiths?

I just cut keys.

I like him. Upstanding citizen,
completely trustworthy.

So ya haven't been breaking into our
homes and stealing our things?!

He didn't take anything.

- I did.
- Dammit.

Why didn't you get a steak?

She only had sausages.

Did you get lamb and rosemary?

- No.
- You should've. Or pork and fennel.

It's for a dog.

Run.