Roseanne (1988–2018): Season 2, Episode 4 - Somebody Stole My Gal - full transcript

All righty.

I carry time, Newsweek, esquire,

vogue, Forbes, and
business week.

No, I don't carry Richie rich.

Yeah, well, I'm sorry, sweetie,
but your mommy's a big fat liar.

Roseanne.

I'm in the solarium.

Hey, you're home.

What's left of me.

Well, alls you need your butt
and eyes to go the movies.

Aw.



Forget about the movies,
I got too much work.

Hey, you promised.

Well, I guess you'll just have
to hate me then, won't you?

Honey, I'm your wife.
I already hate you.

Mom, Darlene used
my hairbrush again.

What did I tell you about bothering
me when I'm ragging on your dad?

Well, when will you be done?

Never.

Dan…

Honey, I got three
hours of work to do.

Ok, so we'll go to the movies,

then we'll come home, and
I'll do it in one hour.

Forget about it.

Oh, come on. Dan, this
is my final offer...



we go to the movies,

which I've really have
been looking forward to

ever since you promised me...

ugh, the old guilt shot.

Then tomorrow, I'll
come down to work

and I'll straighten out
your life, as usual.

I can't just bring
you down there.

- Sure you can.
- What's everyone going to say?

Get that gorgeous
broad out of here,

she's getting us organised?

They were supposed
to hire somebody.

Well, they obviously haven't.

Well…

Wish I could.

Come on, Dan, it's 20 to 8:00.

You're running out of time here.

Ahem.

Hi, honey.

You gents ready to
do some actual work?

Not really, but we
don't mind watching.

See you later, babe.

Kiss, kiss.

Not in front of the guys.

Kiss, kiss.

Shut up!

Good morning. This is Roseanne

at the magazine discount house.

Since you're a
preferred customer…

If we don't have those
bulldozers here this afternoon,

I'll have to take my
business elsewhere.

Am I making myself understood?

Damn.

Hi.

Hi. You must be the new girl.

Oh, new at what?

Well, who hired you?

Nobody, I'm just here for the
day helping out my husband Dan.

He's doing the drywall.

Oh, yeah, Dan. He is terrific.

Drives the blue pick-up.

Yeah, well, status is
everything in Lanford.

I don't suppose you happened upon a
building and safety certificate?

Oh, yeah. It's right here.

Hey, I am impressed.

Oh, thank you, thank
you, thank you.

Oh, I'm Burt Drucker.

Oh, you're the architect.

Word's out. Pleased to meet you.

Roseanne.

Roseanne. It's a nice name.

Yeah, it means underpaid.

So, uh, how much are
they paying you?

Nothing. I told you, I'm just
here for the day helping out.

Well, uh, are you looking
for full-time work?

Why, are you looking for
a full-time secretary?

Well, I really need somebody,

but it's only for six weeks.

So, uh, how do you feel
about working here?

Well, depends on what it pays.

I couldn't take less
than $9.00 an hour.

Pays 12.

I could live with that.

You're hired.

So, you think the
cookies are ready?

12 minutes. That's what it says.

Let's see.

Ahh.

Ok, we're home. Stop
whatever it is you're doing.

Hi.

- Hi.
- Hi.

They're perfect.

Hey, not before you've
had your dinner.

So, how'd it go?

I got myself a new job!

Congratulations.

You mean, you're gonna be coming
home this late every night?

Only for six weeks.

- Yay!
- Yay!

Woo-hoo!

Jackie, I'm gonna
need your help here

holding down the home front.

No problem. You know how much
I love these little beggars.

What did I tell you guys about eating
cookies before you had dinner?

To use a plate.

Right.

Darlene. Homework.

Did it.

Yeah?

Let's see it.

I wish you worked nights.

I do work nights. As
a warden, remember?

I need you guys to help me
clean up the living room

because we are having
company for dinner.

Who?

A guy.

Uh-oh, here we go.

Uh-oh is right.

You're gonna love this guy,
Jackie, because you know

my instincts about
men are perfect…

Usually.

Roseanne, who is this guy?

Supposedly, he's an architect.

And he's single, and
he's breathing,

and he's heterosexual.

Oh, sure, build up my hopes.

And he'll be here any minute.

Are you kidding? Look at me.

No problem, he loves
greasy-haired women

with no make-up.

Aww.

Oh, just relax. I told
him to come as is.

You look fine.

No. I at least have
to comb my hair.

Mom!

Can I go to the
Lanford-Buchanan game

on Saturday with John Erdman?

He's got his license, and his parents
are gonna let him their Thunderbird,

but if he wrecks it, he's gotta pay for
it out of the money he makes this summer.

Condense that, and re-submit
it in the morning.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Mom?

Yeah, you can go.

Thanks.

I'll get it.

Darlene, you're on
your best behaviour.

Yeah, right.

I ain't kidding, Darlene.

Hello, nice man.

Welcome to our wonderful home.

Hi, Burt.

Hey, sorry I'm early.

You're not early.

Thank you.

Yes, I am.

But I don't want to harp on it.

I have a tendency
to harp on things.

Not for too long, just long
enough for people to query.

Quit querying at him and
say hi to Mr. Drucker.

Burt.

This is Becky and
that's Darlene.

Hi, nice to meet you.

Hey, Burt! Can I get you
something to drink?

I don't suppose you have
any diet black berry soda?

We just ran out.

Let me see what we do have.

We got beer, we got
cola, we got wine.

[BUZZ]

Sorry, Burt. Time's up.

This damn refrigerator.

And this is my
sister, Tina Turner.

Tina, say hi to Burt Drucker.

Hi, Burt. I'm Jackie.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you, too.

Oh!

A cup.

Why don't we all sit
down and relax?

Jackie.

What?

Oh, nothing. I was
just saying your name.

Oh.

Roseanne…

Jackie.

Got a great memory, huh?

Roseanne…Jackie…

Becky…

Dan…Darlene…

And…

D.J.

Now that we've taken roll…

Hiya, D.J. I'm your uncle Burt.

You aren't my uncle.

Oh, I know, but I don't have any
nieces or nephews of my own.

Couldn't I just pretend?

No.

Your kids are great, Roseanne.

You know I really love children.

So, you looking to
get married, Burt?

Well, yeah. Yeah.

I've actually been
close a couple times.

Even got stood up
at the altar once.

That is so sad.

Crushing's more like it.

Hey, how about you, Jackie?

Have you ever been married?

No. I'm forbidden to marry.

It's a religious thing.

Well, I'm going to
keep on trying.

Good.

I mean, I really love
the idea of family.

Barbecues and cook
outs and holidays,

getting up early on
Saturday mornings

so the kids can watch cartoons.

Something tells me, you've
never been puked on

by a two-year-old.

I've never had a family before.

I mean,

a real family.

Yeah.

D.J.,

remember this all your life,

because these moments
are precious.

Being here with your mom,

and your dad and your sisters.

Because you know
where I grew up?

I grew up in a big
sterile mansion.

You know who gave me my dinner?

Butlers. Maids.

People my parents hired

because they were too busy
travelling around the world

to spend any time with me.

Do you realise that I didn't know
until I was in seventh grade

that my dad had a
prosthetic knee?

A prosthetic knee, D.J.

He got it playing
college football.

But do you think he'd so much as
toss the ball around with me?

No.

Shoo!

No, is right.

I figured.

This is…

I mean, this is great!

Roseanne.

Dan-o!

Hey.

I just…

I just want to thank you…

I mean,

do you realise how
lucky you are?

No, no.

Roseanne?

Do you realise how lucky you are

to have all of these beautiful,
precious people in your life?

Jackie.

Becky.

Darlene.

And…

D.J.

Little…D.J.

Yeah, you sure know
how to pick them.

Oh, don't be so judgemental.

Burt is under a lot of stress,

and plus, he's away from home.

Home is the key word there.

Because that's where
that man belongs,

in a home.

Why, because he showed
a little emotion?

I can't believe I
wore a miniskirt

in front of that guy.

Come on, Jackie, you know
if he would've sat there

telling raunchy jokes all night

and parked up on my front
lawn, you'd be engaged.

The whole damn defence
is on the D.L.

This is Dan Conner
for Mike Ditka.

Yeah. I'll hold.

I had the weirdest
dream last night.

I was on my way to Oz with D.J.
And Toto.

And the wicked witch looked
in her Crystal ball,

and Burt Drucker was one
of them flying monkeys.

See?

I just can't believe
this insensitivity.

Can't a person be vulnerable

without having to be crucified?

In this house?

You know, it took a lot of guts

for Burt to say some
of the things he said.

I'll say.

That guy's a real
cheesedog in a hard-hat.

Huh, look who's talking.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'll get it.

Would you like some more coffee?

I would love some.

Me, too. Jackie, two coffees.

Whoa.

Awesome.

What the hell?

Wait a minute. Holy cow!

Uh, sir, I think you
got the wrong house.

Hold on, hold on.

Uh, uh…

"Thanks for dinner."

Oh, my god.

Who's it from?

Your uncle Burt.

Oh, my god.

We can't accept this.

Mom, are you crazy?

Where do you want it?

- Back on your truck.
- You got it.

Great. Great. Great.
Great. It's here.

This is really sweet, Burt,

but we can't accept it.

Well, sure you can.

Hey, time is money.

Take it away!

No, no, no. Just leave
everything right here,

and I will take care of it.

I know what you're going to say.

Last night was very
special for me,

and, well…

I wanted to thank you
in a very special way.

Burt, are you going to
need a handkerchief again?

You know, I feel

like you're my sister, too.

Is that strange?

For you? No.

So…

I hope you don't mind.

I brought over some
of my laundry.

Pretty tacky, don't you think?

I know you'd never
say that to me,

but believe me, I know
what I'm talking about.

So, what's on the tube?

Visitor from another planet.

Hey, you want to throw
those in the washer

for your uncle Burt?

No starch, ok?

Oh, listen to me.

Some nerve I have.

Whoa, Burt, whoa!

Darlene, freeze!

Give.

You're right.

You're right.

Oh, just leave it here,
Burt, I'll take care of it.

So…what's everybody doing today?

Uh…

We do…

Well, Saturday is
not a good day.

It's really not a good day.

It's shopping,
cooking, cleaning…

[SINGING THE 1812 OVERTURE]

Well, you had enough of me yet?

Uh-huh.

Kids get tired of me faster.

Mom, can I take a bath,

please?

Yes.

Great.

Kids are...

are so pure.

Do you know what he
said to me outside?

"Burt, I hate you."

Well, he probably heard it
from Becky and Darlene.

That's what I love
about this family.

You're all so open and honest.

Burt, sit down.

No, at the table!

This ok?

Perfect.

Burt, why are you like this?

You mean obnoxious?

Not just the obnoxious thing,

but the relentless
needy thing, too.

Most people are too proud to
admit that they're needy.

I mean, I tell you this

with every bit of
honesty in my being.

I have no pride.

And I believe that, Burt.

I guess people just
can't handle that.

Well, let me ask you something.

How did you get this far in life

without somebody just driving

a big ol' stake
through your head?

Well, go figure.

Well, have you ever gone to a
shrink, or anything like that?

Oh, yeah, 3, 4 times a
week until I was 30.

Believe me, I used to
be really messed up.

Well, do you want
us to hate you?

No, I want to be loved

just as much as everyone else.

I'm just lousy at doing

whatever it is people
do to get loved.

To tell you the truth,

in my whole life

I've never really had
one real friend.

[DOOR SLAMS]

Rosie, now!

Stay.

Is that any way to
talk to a guest?

He offered to get
Becky a mastercard.

He's got to go.

No, he doesn't, Dan.

What? What?

He's a human being.

You got proof of that?

And he has needs.

Needs? Needs? He needs
to get our kids credit?

What kind of man is this?

Just calm down. I'm
making some headway.

I think I can have him
out of here by February.

He's out of here tonight.
He's out now.

What did he do
that was so wrong?

He gave you a job, and
he gave me a job.

He tried to give
us a refrigerator,

and the only thing
he wants from us

is a little bit of
love and affection,

which happens to be the only
thing we can afford to give.

You know, Dan,

we are children of the sixties,

and we're supposed to
love everybody, remember?

Just do it for me.

♪ go ahead and hate
your neighbour ♪

♪ go ahead and cheat a friend ♪

Burt, you want some coffee?

To go, right?

No, to stay.

Yeah, I'd love to.

We're taking the kids
to the movies later.

You're welcome to join us.

But?

No buts.

One but.

If you're our guest,

that means you got
to be our guest.

That means no buying us dinner,

no buying us major
household appliances,

and no establishing credit
cards for the kids.

You guys are…

Terrific.

I mean, I've never met anyone

quite like you before.

We never met nobody
like you neither, Burt.

I mean, I've invaded
your privacy.

I'm ruining your weekend.

I've alienated your kids.

And just think, you
hardly know us.

Dan…

Roseanne, this has
been the best night...

the best weekend of my life.

I want to thank you

in the only way I can see fit.
I'm leaving.

Burt…

Don't... don't toy with us.

I mean, you've renewed
my faith in humanity.

As you might guess,

I'm pretty bad at goodbyes.

I'll see you at work.

I can't do it.

Oh, that's ok, Burt.
At least you tried.

Becky, Darlene, come on.

We're going to the
mall with uncle Burt!

Give it to Jackie. Hell, I don't
know what the hell to do with it.

All I know is my back hurts.

You think I don't
feel like a [BLEEP].

Damn, this thing's heavy.

Oh!

Shut up!
Twist on it.

No, turn it this way.
Just like that.

You're hitting the
[BLEEP] table.

[BLEEP] The table.
Open the door!

Wait a minute! Get
off my [BLEEP] foot.

Ohh!

You gotta pull it straight back.

All right.

'Cause we have to make a
big [BLEEP] turn here.

Ok, help me out here. Help
straighten me out here.

Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.

Ok, take it back straight.

Straight!

Ok, now pull it out wide

to the right.

The right! Out this way.

Ok, now straighten it out.

Ok.

No!

Ok, come on.

No! You're hitting the door.

Ok, a little more this way.

This way.

This way.

Ok, straight.

Ok.

I'm going to kill the [BLEEP]

If I ever see him again.