Roseanne (1988–2018): Season 2, Episode 5 - House of Grown-Ups - full transcript
Roseanne feels the empty nest syndrome when Jackie leaves for police training and Darlene goes to her first party.
Ha ha ha!
Audio input, red there.
God, if my boss calls me
"doll" one more time,"
I'm gonna deep-fry his face.
What's the matter, honey?
Did you have a tough day
at the drive-through window?
Yeah. I hate my boss.
I hope he never graduates
from high school.
You got something to drink?
Yeah, would you like
fries with that?
No, thanks, doll.
Oh!
Eureka!
Honey, how late's that
video store open?
No, Dan. Wait, now.
I have to show you.
Now, the timer is preset,
so you just put the
tape in there,
you push that thing there,
and that will record my soaps.
I think I can handle it.
You're going to record my soaps?
No problem.
'Cause a lot of critical
stuff could happen
while I'm away at
police training school.
Soap operas.
All them people do is
get pregnant and die.
That's 'cause it's
based on real life.
Which is why I never watch 'em.
Dinner!
Now, look, you guys
have your family.
The people at bay
gardens medical centre
are my family.
My god, she's addicted.
Besides, it looks like Alyssa
may be institutionalised.
Awesome, it's here!
Are we going to
rent some movies?
Let's rent Lethal Weapon II,
Jaws III, and Nightmare
on Elm Street IV.
Yeah, well, you better
go wash your hands
or I'm gonna make you guys
watch Dr. Zhivago again.
You want to help me
set the table, sis?
I can't stay for dinner.
Why not?
I got 6 weeks' worth of stuff
to get to before tomorrow.
Well, you got to eat.
Yeah, but I can pick up
something on the way home.
I haven't even packed yet,
and my apartment's a mess.
Well, why don't you eat with us,
and then I'll come home
with you, and help you?
No, you've been working all day.
You're tired.
I'm not tired.
You know, I can help
you get organised.
Did you make a list of
the stuff you need-
Roseanne, I just need
to be by myself.
Oh, you mean, like, alone?
I remember that.
That's what I was
before you were born.
Maybe I'll come
by later tonight.
What time?
I don't know.
Well, do you you want me
to save you something?
Yeah, save me my soaps.
I'll see you later.
Bye!
Ok, it's your night
to do the dishes.
No, it's not. It's
Becky's night.
Do 'em anyway.
Why do I have to do them?
'Cause Becky's getting
ready to go to a party.
Well, why can't I go
to some stupid party?
Because you're gonna
do the stupid dishes.
That's why I don't get
invited to parties,
'cause I have dish pan hands.
Well, you're only 13, honey.
Did you think your looks
would last forever?
BECKY: Mom, the earrings?
Oh, yeah.
Hey, before you put
that stuff away,
make up a plate for aunt Jackie.
What, are we doing take-out now?
She's coming over later!
What do you think, Deej?
Davy Crockett and the
river boat pirates?
Dirty harry!
So tell me, punk, how
lucky do you feel?
Very lucky.
What do you say we
split the difference?
How about Star Wars?
Great!
- Go get your coat.
- Honey!
Lambykins, you wanna go to
the video store with us?
Nah.
Mom, we're getting Star Wars!
Oh. I'm gonna stay here in
case Jackie comes over,
but may the force be with you.
Hell, you are the force.
Ain't that the truth.
You know, we may be needing
those dishes again tomorrow.
Here, I'll wash, you dry.
Great.
Where you going?
Oh, just stack them
up over there,
I'll dry 'em later.
Darlene, I have
made dinner for you
every night of your life.
Is it too much to ask
you to do the dishes?
No, it's not.
- I'm sorry, I'll do 'em.
- You can go.
Oh, that's all right.
I feel like scalding
my hands anyway.
You're excused.
Ah, thanks for doing
the dishes, Darlene.
I'll do 'em 2 nights next week.
It's ok, I got mom to do them.
- Cool!
- What'd you do, drop a plate?
No, I did the cowering
child routine.
Aah!
I hate everything I own.
So, whose party you going to?
Lynne Boyd.
Who's she?
She's a junior.
This is a cool top.
I hate that top. I
look like I'm 14.
You are 14.
I know, but I don't
have to look like it.
Hey, that looks great on you.
Really? I was just
playing closet.
Well, it looks good.
Don't worry, I'm
not gonna keep it.
No, it's ok. Wear it.
Wait a sec.
Ouch!
Sorry.
Ok, one more thing.
Ok, do this.
Shake your head a little.
Ok, go like this.
You need make-up.
Oh, please.
I'm serious, Darlene.
You could be really
pretty if you tried.
Look at yourself.
Don't you have to go to
your party with Diane?
Diane isn't going.
I'm going by myself unless…
You want to come with me?
Yeah, right!
I'm serious.
I'd be the only one
there in junior high.
Nobody has to know that.
Well, they're gonna know
'cause none of the kids
are gonna know me.
We'll say you go to St. Mary's.
No way!
All the girls at St. Mary's
have moustaches
and thick calves.
Ok, we'll say you're my
cousin from Chicago.
Yeah!
Your rich cousin from Chicago.
Yeah.
Yeah.
We'll say my name is…Vivian.
Honey, I got 6 weeks' worth
of cinematic
extravaganzas right here
in my hot little hands,
each and every one a classic.
Yeah, I'll bet.
These are all cop movies.
I don't want to be
reminded of cops.
What's the difference?
Love stories, cop stories,
someone gets chased,
someone gets caught,
a woman screams, the end.
Well, I don't want D.J.
Seeing nothing too graphic.
Oh, I got you covered, babe.
How do you feel about
Davy Crockett?
I don't know, Dan.
He killed himself a bear
when he was only 3.
Let's watch that now.
What did you get for
us to watch later?
Ooh, neato! That's perfect.
I can't work this damn thing!
Where'd you get that language?
This isn't a thing. It's a VCR.
Hello, and thank you for calling
the Conner family cineplex,
located at 714 Delaware street.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yes, I'll tell her. Ok, goodbye.
Who was it?
That was your sister lobo-cop.
She's not coming over tonight.
Why didn't you let
me talk to her?
She was in a hurry.
I wanna talk to her.
Is she home?
I don't know.
What's the problem anyway?
You haven't seen her
for 21/2 hours.
Well, she's leaving for 6 weeks!
And I am beside myself about it.
Well, I'm going
to miss her, Dan.
I miss her already.
We've never been
apart that long.
You'll see her tomorrow
when we drive her
to the bus station.
Well, you'd think
she'd want to spend her
last night with her family.
Don't forget, babe.
The people at bay
gardens medical centre
are her family.
Ladies and gentlemen,
presenting my cousin
Vivian from Chicago.
Ooh.
Hi, Vivian.
Would you like to finish
drying our dishes?
It was really my night
to do the dishes, mom.
I'll do them when I get home.
You know, Vivian,
you're very beautiful,
and yet…
You remind me of someone.
I'm taking Darlene to
Lynne Boyd's party.
You can't take her
to that party.
There'll be boys there.
There are boys at school,
and you let me go there.
Dad?
Yes?
You said you were
gonna give me a ride.
I'd love to.
I'm going with daddy!
Don't you want to stay here
with me and watch some movies?
I want to go for a ride.
You want to come with us, honey?
No, I'll stay here in
case Jackie calls.
Uh, keep an eye on your sister.
I will.
You guys be home by 8:00.
All right, 11:00.
♪ Davy ♪
♪ Davy Crockett ♪
♪ king of the wild frontier ♪
Who are you calling?
It's after 11:00.
Why do you think I'm
calling somebody for?
You got a phone in your hand.
No, I don't.
You were calling
Jackie, weren't you?
Oh, thanks for reminding me.
Aww.
She's probably out
running around
celebrating her last night
out before boot camp.
Yeah, we gotta drive her to
the bus at 9:00 tomorrow.
She's going to have a hell
of a time getting up.
Knowing Jackie, she's
not even packed yet.
Why don't you go pack for her?
Uh-uh.
I'm not going no place till
Becky and Darlene get home.
And how about the trouble
in Johannesburg?
Why don't you go and
try to straighten out
the south African government
while you're at it?
Well, I would if you would've
fixed those nuclear warheads
like I told you to.
♪ They're ba-ack ♪
Hurry up. Come on.
Get in here.
Mom?
Did you guys have fun?
It was ok.
Becky spent the whole night
sucking face with some guy.
Good night.
I guess Darlene didn't get any.
Here's your stinky
vest, hot lips.
What is your problem?
My stomach. I'm nauseated.
I don't even know why I took
you to that party anyways.
You're still just a little kid.
Yeah, well, I'm not the one
who had Jimmy Meltreiger
in a lip-lock for 21/2 hours.
Darlene, what I do
is my own business.
How about what you do in
front of 27 other people?
It was practically dark,
and everyone else
was making out.
Nobody cares anyway,
Darlene, so just grow up.
Everybody was staring
at you guys.
No. You were staring at us.
I can't believe you were
kissing him all night.
He was kissing me, too.
Well, most of the time.
The rest of the time,
I was kissing him.
You looked like those
people in national enquirer
who are joined at the head.
Darlene, you can't just
sit there and be kissed.
You gotta kiss back.
Or you can be the one
doing the kissing,
but boys don't like that.
- How come?
- I don't know,
it's like they think it's
their job or something.
Well, how do you know
when to breathe?
You can breathe whenever
you feel like it.
So, basically, you just do this…
No, no, no, no.
You kind of…
Then you open your
mouth a little bit.
You open your mouth?!
For what?!
So you can slip him the tongue.
I'm gagging!
Hi, mom.
Hey.
I heard you went into
thermonuclear meltdown
with some guy.
It wasn't just some guy.
It wasn't 2 guys, was it?
No, it was Jimmy.
You actually touched tongues?!
Yeah. Bet you can't wait
for high school now, huh?
If any guy puts his
tongue in my mouth,
I'll barf.
Great way to get a second date.
Come here and sit down.
Uh-oh. Here comes the talk.
Well, kissing guys
ain't all that bad.
In fact, it's kind of fun.
Isn't it, Becky?
Mother.
Just so long as it's
what you want to do
and you're not doing it to act
cool or nothing like that.
When you first went
out with daddy,
did you want to kiss
him all the time?
Well, somebody had to do it.
And you know me.
Work, work, work.
When did you know
that you wanted
to spend the rest of
your life with him?
Oh, well, I ain't
decided that yet.
We're just gonna raise
you kids, you know,
and then, if we still
like kissing each other,
then we'll decide.
Well, I kissed Mark
Winstead once,
and I didn't have
to open my mouth.
You kissed a guy, and
you didn't tell me?
We beat the pirates 14-zip.
He saved my shut-out,
so I kissed him.
Well, that's how it
starts, Darlene.
Before you know it,
you're on love's old
emotional roller coaster.
But all that's still a
while off for you yet.
I hope.
Don't be too sure, mom.
Warren Marshall asked for
Darlene's phone number.
'Night, mom.
'Night, kiddo.
'Night, Beck.
'Night, Dar.
Keep your mouth closed.
Warren Marshall. Which one's he?
He's the one we call mandingo.
Hi, sis.
Hi.
Boy, you're actually
ready to go.
Hey, look what I brought you.
Oh, thanks, but you know
what I did last night?
I'd only be guessing.
I went over to rodbell's,
and I bought myself this.
But I thought you
loved this bag.
Yeah, I do, but that's yours.
This is pretty nice, huh?
29.95 on sale.
It's got a 2-year guarantee
against all kinds of stuff.
Well, I guess
you're ready to go.
Ready, willing, and able.
I got my room assignment.
Well, where are they
putting you up?
Barracks 21.
Sounds plush.
I wanna get there early
'cause I wanna get
an upper bunk.
Yeah, upper bunks are the best.
Oh, definitely.
You remember camp wild oak?
Oh, god, wild oak.
JACKIE: That girl Lucy Emerson.
Oh, Lucy Emerson.
You told Lucy Emerson
that there were poison-secreting
spiders on the ceiling
that could make her go bald
so that you could
get an upper bunk.
How do you remember that stuff?
Then you got us out of rowing
because you told
them that our father
had been killed in
a naval battle.
That was the night we snuck
over to the boys' camp.
Sis, you gonna sneak
over to the barracks
and visit me at the academy?
I don't think so.
Well, I guess we better
get going, then.
Yeah. Ok.
Sis…
Are you ok?
Not really.
It's only gonna be for 6 weeks.
Plus 3 days of orientation.
I'll be back before you know it.
Well, are you gonna take
your stamps with ya?
What for?
So you can write me.
No, Roseanne. I'm
gonna be in training.
I'll probably be too
tired to lift a pen.
But you could write me.
You write great letters.
You probably already
written one, huh?
Roseanne.
Well, don't read it now.
Why not?
Ohh.
It's so sweet.
Well, I wanted to say
something, you know.
You're leaving,
Darlene's leaving.
Where's Darlene going?
Well, she went to a
party last night.
Ohh.
Well, she's grown up.
Jackie…
You're my best friend.
Oh, Roseanne, don't get sappy.
Well, I wanna get sappy, and I
want you to let me get sappy.
Ok, sap away.
You're going away forever.
No. I'm not.
I'm gonna be back
before you know it.
Yeah, but you're
gonna be different.
But maybe I'll be better.
But I like you the
way you are now.
Even though you don't
have any rugs.
Oh, all right.
Let's get going, or
you'll miss your bus.
My truck's out
parked in the front.
Some stupid cop probably
gave me a parking ticket.
Oh, sorry.
I can get the bags
if you'll grab this stuff.
Yeah, I'm just gonna
check your stove.
It's off. I never cook.
Remember?
Oh…
Look at this place.
Oh, well.
She's a big girl now.
- Bye, mom!
- Bye, mom!
Where are you guys going?
To the mall.
What for?
The usual.
Well, when will you be back?
When we're out of money.
Want me to run you down there?
No, we'll take the bus.
Mom, I'm going over to Joey's!
What for?
To play!
ROSEANNE: Oh, ok.
Be home for dinner.
I will.
You need anything from budget club?
No.
See you later.
What's the matter?
Nothing. Just go.
What?
Nothing is wrong, Dan. Just go.
Is this how you're going to be
till Jackie comes marching home?
This doesn't have anything
to do with Jackie.
The hell it doesn't.
Well, that's too bad.
Yeah, it's too bad.
It is too bad, Roseanne.
It's too bad you can't
accept the fact
that people have to
live their own lives.
Just because a bird
leaves the nest
doesn't mean it's going to
get creamed by the Concorde.
Oh, thanks, Dan.
Thanks for putting
that into perspective.
Honey, 6 weeks isn't
that long of a time.
It's almost 1/9 of a year.
My god, you've done the math.
She's my little sister.
Well, your little sister's
all grown up now.
I know, everybody's growing up
and leaving me.
Excuse me, did you
say everybody?
Yeah. Jackie's off to
become a policewoman,
Darlene's practically dating,
and Becky's going to be
married at this rate.
And D.J.'s getting
his grown-up teeth.
Hey, this doesn't
have anything to do
with Jackie or Darlene
or Becky or D.J.
This has to do with Roseanne.
You're afraid you're
gonna be left alone.
Well, I am.
What about me?
I'm the guy that's been
standing in line all these years
waiting to get you by myself.
Why do you think that
boat I'm building
in the garage only sleeps two?
Because the garage is too small.
Come on. Cheer up.
I'm here, and I'll
be here forever.
Gee, Dan, are you trying
to make me feel worse?
And ever
and ever!
What are you doing?
Come on.
♪ You got me, and baby ♪
♪ I got you ♪
Oh, Dan, don't.
♪ I got you to walk with me ♪
♪ I got you to talk with me ♪
Come on, honey. One verse.
BOTH: ♪ I got you
to kiss goodnight ♪
♪ I got you to hold me tight ♪
♪ I got you and I won't let go ♪
♪ I got you to love me so ♪
♪ I got ♪
♪ You, babe ♪
ROSEANNE: "Dear
sis, how are you?"
That's original.
"Dear sis, I hope you survived"
"your first week of training"
"and that life in the barracks"
"is at the very least co-Ed."
"Things on the home front
are as thrilling as ever."
"I told mom you've
been working real late"
"and that's why you
haven't called her."
"You're going to
have to tell her,"
"hopefully when I'm not there."
"Your place is fine,"
"I've got your mail,"
"and I borrowed your
Lillian Vernon catalogue."
"Your plant is still
alive…Pretty much"
"and will probably make
it till you get back."
"Ha ha."
"I hope I do."
"Love, kisses, hugs…"
"Blah blah blah…Roseanne."
Audio input, red there.
God, if my boss calls me
"doll" one more time,"
I'm gonna deep-fry his face.
What's the matter, honey?
Did you have a tough day
at the drive-through window?
Yeah. I hate my boss.
I hope he never graduates
from high school.
You got something to drink?
Yeah, would you like
fries with that?
No, thanks, doll.
Oh!
Eureka!
Honey, how late's that
video store open?
No, Dan. Wait, now.
I have to show you.
Now, the timer is preset,
so you just put the
tape in there,
you push that thing there,
and that will record my soaps.
I think I can handle it.
You're going to record my soaps?
No problem.
'Cause a lot of critical
stuff could happen
while I'm away at
police training school.
Soap operas.
All them people do is
get pregnant and die.
That's 'cause it's
based on real life.
Which is why I never watch 'em.
Dinner!
Now, look, you guys
have your family.
The people at bay
gardens medical centre
are my family.
My god, she's addicted.
Besides, it looks like Alyssa
may be institutionalised.
Awesome, it's here!
Are we going to
rent some movies?
Let's rent Lethal Weapon II,
Jaws III, and Nightmare
on Elm Street IV.
Yeah, well, you better
go wash your hands
or I'm gonna make you guys
watch Dr. Zhivago again.
You want to help me
set the table, sis?
I can't stay for dinner.
Why not?
I got 6 weeks' worth of stuff
to get to before tomorrow.
Well, you got to eat.
Yeah, but I can pick up
something on the way home.
I haven't even packed yet,
and my apartment's a mess.
Well, why don't you eat with us,
and then I'll come home
with you, and help you?
No, you've been working all day.
You're tired.
I'm not tired.
You know, I can help
you get organised.
Did you make a list of
the stuff you need-
Roseanne, I just need
to be by myself.
Oh, you mean, like, alone?
I remember that.
That's what I was
before you were born.
Maybe I'll come
by later tonight.
What time?
I don't know.
Well, do you you want me
to save you something?
Yeah, save me my soaps.
I'll see you later.
Bye!
Ok, it's your night
to do the dishes.
No, it's not. It's
Becky's night.
Do 'em anyway.
Why do I have to do them?
'Cause Becky's getting
ready to go to a party.
Well, why can't I go
to some stupid party?
Because you're gonna
do the stupid dishes.
That's why I don't get
invited to parties,
'cause I have dish pan hands.
Well, you're only 13, honey.
Did you think your looks
would last forever?
BECKY: Mom, the earrings?
Oh, yeah.
Hey, before you put
that stuff away,
make up a plate for aunt Jackie.
What, are we doing take-out now?
She's coming over later!
What do you think, Deej?
Davy Crockett and the
river boat pirates?
Dirty harry!
So tell me, punk, how
lucky do you feel?
Very lucky.
What do you say we
split the difference?
How about Star Wars?
Great!
- Go get your coat.
- Honey!
Lambykins, you wanna go to
the video store with us?
Nah.
Mom, we're getting Star Wars!
Oh. I'm gonna stay here in
case Jackie comes over,
but may the force be with you.
Hell, you are the force.
Ain't that the truth.
You know, we may be needing
those dishes again tomorrow.
Here, I'll wash, you dry.
Great.
Where you going?
Oh, just stack them
up over there,
I'll dry 'em later.
Darlene, I have
made dinner for you
every night of your life.
Is it too much to ask
you to do the dishes?
No, it's not.
- I'm sorry, I'll do 'em.
- You can go.
Oh, that's all right.
I feel like scalding
my hands anyway.
You're excused.
Ah, thanks for doing
the dishes, Darlene.
I'll do 'em 2 nights next week.
It's ok, I got mom to do them.
- Cool!
- What'd you do, drop a plate?
No, I did the cowering
child routine.
Aah!
I hate everything I own.
So, whose party you going to?
Lynne Boyd.
Who's she?
She's a junior.
This is a cool top.
I hate that top. I
look like I'm 14.
You are 14.
I know, but I don't
have to look like it.
Hey, that looks great on you.
Really? I was just
playing closet.
Well, it looks good.
Don't worry, I'm
not gonna keep it.
No, it's ok. Wear it.
Wait a sec.
Ouch!
Sorry.
Ok, one more thing.
Ok, do this.
Shake your head a little.
Ok, go like this.
You need make-up.
Oh, please.
I'm serious, Darlene.
You could be really
pretty if you tried.
Look at yourself.
Don't you have to go to
your party with Diane?
Diane isn't going.
I'm going by myself unless…
You want to come with me?
Yeah, right!
I'm serious.
I'd be the only one
there in junior high.
Nobody has to know that.
Well, they're gonna know
'cause none of the kids
are gonna know me.
We'll say you go to St. Mary's.
No way!
All the girls at St. Mary's
have moustaches
and thick calves.
Ok, we'll say you're my
cousin from Chicago.
Yeah!
Your rich cousin from Chicago.
Yeah.
Yeah.
We'll say my name is…Vivian.
Honey, I got 6 weeks' worth
of cinematic
extravaganzas right here
in my hot little hands,
each and every one a classic.
Yeah, I'll bet.
These are all cop movies.
I don't want to be
reminded of cops.
What's the difference?
Love stories, cop stories,
someone gets chased,
someone gets caught,
a woman screams, the end.
Well, I don't want D.J.
Seeing nothing too graphic.
Oh, I got you covered, babe.
How do you feel about
Davy Crockett?
I don't know, Dan.
He killed himself a bear
when he was only 3.
Let's watch that now.
What did you get for
us to watch later?
Ooh, neato! That's perfect.
I can't work this damn thing!
Where'd you get that language?
This isn't a thing. It's a VCR.
Hello, and thank you for calling
the Conner family cineplex,
located at 714 Delaware street.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yes, I'll tell her. Ok, goodbye.
Who was it?
That was your sister lobo-cop.
She's not coming over tonight.
Why didn't you let
me talk to her?
She was in a hurry.
I wanna talk to her.
Is she home?
I don't know.
What's the problem anyway?
You haven't seen her
for 21/2 hours.
Well, she's leaving for 6 weeks!
And I am beside myself about it.
Well, I'm going
to miss her, Dan.
I miss her already.
We've never been
apart that long.
You'll see her tomorrow
when we drive her
to the bus station.
Well, you'd think
she'd want to spend her
last night with her family.
Don't forget, babe.
The people at bay
gardens medical centre
are her family.
Ladies and gentlemen,
presenting my cousin
Vivian from Chicago.
Ooh.
Hi, Vivian.
Would you like to finish
drying our dishes?
It was really my night
to do the dishes, mom.
I'll do them when I get home.
You know, Vivian,
you're very beautiful,
and yet…
You remind me of someone.
I'm taking Darlene to
Lynne Boyd's party.
You can't take her
to that party.
There'll be boys there.
There are boys at school,
and you let me go there.
Dad?
Yes?
You said you were
gonna give me a ride.
I'd love to.
I'm going with daddy!
Don't you want to stay here
with me and watch some movies?
I want to go for a ride.
You want to come with us, honey?
No, I'll stay here in
case Jackie calls.
Uh, keep an eye on your sister.
I will.
You guys be home by 8:00.
All right, 11:00.
♪ Davy ♪
♪ Davy Crockett ♪
♪ king of the wild frontier ♪
Who are you calling?
It's after 11:00.
Why do you think I'm
calling somebody for?
You got a phone in your hand.
No, I don't.
You were calling
Jackie, weren't you?
Oh, thanks for reminding me.
Aww.
She's probably out
running around
celebrating her last night
out before boot camp.
Yeah, we gotta drive her to
the bus at 9:00 tomorrow.
She's going to have a hell
of a time getting up.
Knowing Jackie, she's
not even packed yet.
Why don't you go pack for her?
Uh-uh.
I'm not going no place till
Becky and Darlene get home.
And how about the trouble
in Johannesburg?
Why don't you go and
try to straighten out
the south African government
while you're at it?
Well, I would if you would've
fixed those nuclear warheads
like I told you to.
♪ They're ba-ack ♪
Hurry up. Come on.
Get in here.
Mom?
Did you guys have fun?
It was ok.
Becky spent the whole night
sucking face with some guy.
Good night.
I guess Darlene didn't get any.
Here's your stinky
vest, hot lips.
What is your problem?
My stomach. I'm nauseated.
I don't even know why I took
you to that party anyways.
You're still just a little kid.
Yeah, well, I'm not the one
who had Jimmy Meltreiger
in a lip-lock for 21/2 hours.
Darlene, what I do
is my own business.
How about what you do in
front of 27 other people?
It was practically dark,
and everyone else
was making out.
Nobody cares anyway,
Darlene, so just grow up.
Everybody was staring
at you guys.
No. You were staring at us.
I can't believe you were
kissing him all night.
He was kissing me, too.
Well, most of the time.
The rest of the time,
I was kissing him.
You looked like those
people in national enquirer
who are joined at the head.
Darlene, you can't just
sit there and be kissed.
You gotta kiss back.
Or you can be the one
doing the kissing,
but boys don't like that.
- How come?
- I don't know,
it's like they think it's
their job or something.
Well, how do you know
when to breathe?
You can breathe whenever
you feel like it.
So, basically, you just do this…
No, no, no, no.
You kind of…
Then you open your
mouth a little bit.
You open your mouth?!
For what?!
So you can slip him the tongue.
I'm gagging!
Hi, mom.
Hey.
I heard you went into
thermonuclear meltdown
with some guy.
It wasn't just some guy.
It wasn't 2 guys, was it?
No, it was Jimmy.
You actually touched tongues?!
Yeah. Bet you can't wait
for high school now, huh?
If any guy puts his
tongue in my mouth,
I'll barf.
Great way to get a second date.
Come here and sit down.
Uh-oh. Here comes the talk.
Well, kissing guys
ain't all that bad.
In fact, it's kind of fun.
Isn't it, Becky?
Mother.
Just so long as it's
what you want to do
and you're not doing it to act
cool or nothing like that.
When you first went
out with daddy,
did you want to kiss
him all the time?
Well, somebody had to do it.
And you know me.
Work, work, work.
When did you know
that you wanted
to spend the rest of
your life with him?
Oh, well, I ain't
decided that yet.
We're just gonna raise
you kids, you know,
and then, if we still
like kissing each other,
then we'll decide.
Well, I kissed Mark
Winstead once,
and I didn't have
to open my mouth.
You kissed a guy, and
you didn't tell me?
We beat the pirates 14-zip.
He saved my shut-out,
so I kissed him.
Well, that's how it
starts, Darlene.
Before you know it,
you're on love's old
emotional roller coaster.
But all that's still a
while off for you yet.
I hope.
Don't be too sure, mom.
Warren Marshall asked for
Darlene's phone number.
'Night, mom.
'Night, kiddo.
'Night, Beck.
'Night, Dar.
Keep your mouth closed.
Warren Marshall. Which one's he?
He's the one we call mandingo.
Hi, sis.
Hi.
Boy, you're actually
ready to go.
Hey, look what I brought you.
Oh, thanks, but you know
what I did last night?
I'd only be guessing.
I went over to rodbell's,
and I bought myself this.
But I thought you
loved this bag.
Yeah, I do, but that's yours.
This is pretty nice, huh?
29.95 on sale.
It's got a 2-year guarantee
against all kinds of stuff.
Well, I guess
you're ready to go.
Ready, willing, and able.
I got my room assignment.
Well, where are they
putting you up?
Barracks 21.
Sounds plush.
I wanna get there early
'cause I wanna get
an upper bunk.
Yeah, upper bunks are the best.
Oh, definitely.
You remember camp wild oak?
Oh, god, wild oak.
JACKIE: That girl Lucy Emerson.
Oh, Lucy Emerson.
You told Lucy Emerson
that there were poison-secreting
spiders on the ceiling
that could make her go bald
so that you could
get an upper bunk.
How do you remember that stuff?
Then you got us out of rowing
because you told
them that our father
had been killed in
a naval battle.
That was the night we snuck
over to the boys' camp.
Sis, you gonna sneak
over to the barracks
and visit me at the academy?
I don't think so.
Well, I guess we better
get going, then.
Yeah. Ok.
Sis…
Are you ok?
Not really.
It's only gonna be for 6 weeks.
Plus 3 days of orientation.
I'll be back before you know it.
Well, are you gonna take
your stamps with ya?
What for?
So you can write me.
No, Roseanne. I'm
gonna be in training.
I'll probably be too
tired to lift a pen.
But you could write me.
You write great letters.
You probably already
written one, huh?
Roseanne.
Well, don't read it now.
Why not?
Ohh.
It's so sweet.
Well, I wanted to say
something, you know.
You're leaving,
Darlene's leaving.
Where's Darlene going?
Well, she went to a
party last night.
Ohh.
Well, she's grown up.
Jackie…
You're my best friend.
Oh, Roseanne, don't get sappy.
Well, I wanna get sappy, and I
want you to let me get sappy.
Ok, sap away.
You're going away forever.
No. I'm not.
I'm gonna be back
before you know it.
Yeah, but you're
gonna be different.
But maybe I'll be better.
But I like you the
way you are now.
Even though you don't
have any rugs.
Oh, all right.
Let's get going, or
you'll miss your bus.
My truck's out
parked in the front.
Some stupid cop probably
gave me a parking ticket.
Oh, sorry.
I can get the bags
if you'll grab this stuff.
Yeah, I'm just gonna
check your stove.
It's off. I never cook.
Remember?
Oh…
Look at this place.
Oh, well.
She's a big girl now.
- Bye, mom!
- Bye, mom!
Where are you guys going?
To the mall.
What for?
The usual.
Well, when will you be back?
When we're out of money.
Want me to run you down there?
No, we'll take the bus.
Mom, I'm going over to Joey's!
What for?
To play!
ROSEANNE: Oh, ok.
Be home for dinner.
I will.
You need anything from budget club?
No.
See you later.
What's the matter?
Nothing. Just go.
What?
Nothing is wrong, Dan. Just go.
Is this how you're going to be
till Jackie comes marching home?
This doesn't have anything
to do with Jackie.
The hell it doesn't.
Well, that's too bad.
Yeah, it's too bad.
It is too bad, Roseanne.
It's too bad you can't
accept the fact
that people have to
live their own lives.
Just because a bird
leaves the nest
doesn't mean it's going to
get creamed by the Concorde.
Oh, thanks, Dan.
Thanks for putting
that into perspective.
Honey, 6 weeks isn't
that long of a time.
It's almost 1/9 of a year.
My god, you've done the math.
She's my little sister.
Well, your little sister's
all grown up now.
I know, everybody's growing up
and leaving me.
Excuse me, did you
say everybody?
Yeah. Jackie's off to
become a policewoman,
Darlene's practically dating,
and Becky's going to be
married at this rate.
And D.J.'s getting
his grown-up teeth.
Hey, this doesn't
have anything to do
with Jackie or Darlene
or Becky or D.J.
This has to do with Roseanne.
You're afraid you're
gonna be left alone.
Well, I am.
What about me?
I'm the guy that's been
standing in line all these years
waiting to get you by myself.
Why do you think that
boat I'm building
in the garage only sleeps two?
Because the garage is too small.
Come on. Cheer up.
I'm here, and I'll
be here forever.
Gee, Dan, are you trying
to make me feel worse?
And ever
and ever!
What are you doing?
Come on.
♪ You got me, and baby ♪
♪ I got you ♪
Oh, Dan, don't.
♪ I got you to walk with me ♪
♪ I got you to talk with me ♪
Come on, honey. One verse.
BOTH: ♪ I got you
to kiss goodnight ♪
♪ I got you to hold me tight ♪
♪ I got you and I won't let go ♪
♪ I got you to love me so ♪
♪ I got ♪
♪ You, babe ♪
ROSEANNE: "Dear
sis, how are you?"
That's original.
"Dear sis, I hope you survived"
"your first week of training"
"and that life in the barracks"
"is at the very least co-Ed."
"Things on the home front
are as thrilling as ever."
"I told mom you've
been working real late"
"and that's why you
haven't called her."
"You're going to
have to tell her,"
"hopefully when I'm not there."
"Your place is fine,"
"I've got your mail,"
"and I borrowed your
Lillian Vernon catalogue."
"Your plant is still
alive…Pretty much"
"and will probably make
it till you get back."
"Ha ha."
"I hope I do."
"Love, kisses, hugs…"
"Blah blah blah…Roseanne."