Roseanne (1988–2018): Season 2, Episode 3 - Guilt by Disassociation - full transcript

Earthquake!
Earthquake!

Darlene, knock it off.

Good afternoon. This is Roseanne

at the magazine discount house.

Mom's trying to work!

So. I worked today, too.

- Shh!
- Don't shush me.

D.J., don't make me kill you.

…than what you find
at the news stands.

Oh! I'm not interested either,

but it's my job.



Darlene, what is your problem?

I'm hungry.

Well, dinner ain't ready yet.

I'm hungry now.

Well, here. Start on this.

I hear fleece is
very high in fibre.

Mommy, dial the next number?

Hit it, partner.

Doesn't anyone want
to hear about my day?

No.

Good parenting.

Where are the cookies?

Probably under your bed.

Oh, yeah.



Hello. My mom would
like to talk to you.

Good afternoon. This is
magazine at the Rose…

hey, babe, how's it going?

Death. Death.

Hang in there.

Hey, I may not have to.

Remember Vonda's husband?

Yeah, sure. Paul.

Phil. He works
over there at, uh…

Garvin meat packing plant,

and he got me an interview
for a job tomorrow.

Yeah? What do you know
about packing meat?

Well, I've been living with
a rump roast for 15 years.

Be sure to put that
on your resume.

Yeah, so they need somebody
to start right away,

so I'm gonna go meet with
the manager tomorrow.

Great. Hey, get this.

I actually had to turn down
a job today. You believe it?

Gee, Dan, tell me
about your day.

- I'm serious.
- The driveway job over at old oaks?

We're too busy.

You're just a regular big shot.

Yeah.

What's for supper?

Oh, my god.

Uncooked meat.

Ooh, and I was just wormed.

Oh, I can't believe it.

I can't do anything
right anymore.

- Yeah, I know, babe.
- You know…

It just might be time to
send you down to the minors.

Hello.

Hey, Beckers, what's up?

Becky wants to know if she can
go over to Diane's after school.

It is after school.
Where is she now?

Where are you now?

Diane's.

Hey, Becky, you were
supposed to go to the store

for me after school today.

Yeah, I was on the
phone all day.

Well, you want your own phone,

you gotta buy your own house.

Yeah, you might as well
eat over at Diane's.

Call us when you're done.
We'll pick you up.

Have fun. Bye.

Who wants to have
dinner at wagon train?

Yeah, daddy!

We're going to have
dinner at wagon train?!

You bet we are.
Saddle up, pard.

Why are we going out?

Is the can opener broken?

Ha ha.

No fooling you young'uns.

I'm going to ride shotgun.

So anyway, Vonda's husband's

been working there for
8 years, you know,

and they live pretty damn well.

I mean, he started off
on the loading dock,

and already he's a
foreman… you know…

Ahem. So they really
take care of their own.

As opposed to Wellman,

where we start off
on the loading dock

and end up in the parking lot.

Sit still.

And Vonda says that
they're really nice.

They're always having, like, company
picnics and junk like that.

We never did nothing
like that at Wellman.

Did Vonda tell you what kind of
job you're interviewing for?

Well, all I know is
I'll have my own chair.

Ok. Do this.

Shake your head.

Ok. Now do this.

I hope the interview
ain't this hard.

Oh, you're going
to wow 'em, sis.

Oh, they're not
going to hire me.

They're gonna hire some little
chickee with a tight skirt

and a loose everything else.

Stop.

I'm gonna be selling magazines
'til they put me in my grave.

I'm gonna be cremated with back
issues of field and stream.

You want to get cremated, too?

I don't know! Do we have
to talk about it now?

Can I just get a minute?

Yeah. Ok.

Roseanne, you're making too
big of a deal out of it.

It's just a job.

You know, when I go
on an interview,

I don't get dressed
up on purpose.

It just makes you more nervous,

then you start to sweat…

Then you start worrying that
you're sweating too much,

so you sit there real stiff

'cause you're afraid
if you lift your arms,

you'll have these
great big pit stains.

And then you get that acid
feeling in your stomach,

like if you open your mouth
to talk, you're gonna belch.

Whenever I go on an
interview, I just go as me.

Well, that's why
you work in a bar.

Jackie!

Jackie, you're blocking me.

In what sense?

In a plymouth sense.

Oh, sorry. I'll
meet you out front.

What are you doing home?

Oh, we poured that driveway,
knocked off early.

Oh, hey, I got
that old oaks job.

I subcontracted it.

Oh, that's great, Dan.

Well, wish me luck.

Good luck.

Where you going?

What?

What?!

How can you live with me and
not know where I'm going?

Now, didn't we lay in bed
for two hours last night

talking about how
important this was?

And now you're saying,
"where are you going?"

Forgive me. I'm the worst
husband who ever lived.

Well, enough about you.
Now, how do I look?

You look fine.

Could you maybe be a little
bit more specific, Dan?

I mean, this is
really important.

You look extremely fine.

Would you hire me in this?

If I wasn't married, I'd
hire you in a minute.

So I look cheap, right?

Hell, no.

I'm talking top dollar.

One second!

Aah! Don't flatten it!

It took me and Jackie an
hour to get it like this!

Roseanne, will you relax?

Everything's gonna be fine.

And even if things
don't turn out,

remember, you're still a 50-50
partner at four aces construction,

and I have a feeling some of them
dividends are about to pay off.

Knock it off. I gotta go.

In that outfit?

It's ok. It's a joke.

What if they give
me a typing test?

You know how to type.

But I'm really slow.

How tough could it be?
They're short words.

Steak, meat, prime, chuck.

Porterhouse.

That'd be cruel.

Roseanne, what are you doing?

I'm ready.

What happened to your hair?

It looks a lot better.

Do you care if I
just drive myself?

No, how ever you're comfortable.

Watch my front door. Thanks.

Knock 'em dead, my
little London broil.

Come on in.

Hi. I'm Muriel Johnson.
Sit there, please.

Sorry it's so stuffy in here.

They turn off the air
conditioning on the weekend.

- Oh, I'm fine.
- Well, I'm not.

I had other things to do today.

Well, why don't
you just hire me,

and we'll skip the interview.

Ha ha ha.

Well, uh…

If you want my opinion,

you're here for a position

that doesn't even
need to be filled.

Well, great. Then
the pressure's off.

Oh, no pressure.

I like you already.

You drove down an alley
that's forbidden to cars,

and you parked in the fire lane.

The point is, you
got here on time.

You know how to get things done.

Well, I'm glad I impressed you.

Look, are they gonna
be needing somebody?

Oh, not they…Me.

They're off playing
golf or doing whatever,

but I'm here as usual,
running their show.

Well, can I just ask
you what position

they need you to hire
someone to fill?

Secretary to Mr. Ivan Pitvoris.

The man doesn't even
need a secretary.

He doesn't do anything.

Sounds like a great job.

You ever think you
might be working

for a man named Pitvoris?

Well, I hate to tell you the
name I had for my last boss.

Being as you're unemployed,

I imagine it was pretty good.

Well, I quit that job.

I've never been fired
from anything in my life.

Phil green seems to
think the world of you.

Yeah. Phil's great.

Phil's lucky.

If it weren't for me,

that man would still be
on the loading dock.

Well, he sure loves
working here.

I mean, he goes on and on about what a
great place this is to work, really.

Let me tell you something
about Phil Green.

He's smoother than a
newborn baby's butt.

And that wife of his.

She's so perky,

I'd like to drive a
nail through her head.

Well, I see why
you're in personnel.

Did I offend you?

Well, Vonda's my friend.

I didn't say I didn't like her.

Oh, I must have taken that nail
through the head thing the wrong way.

You've got quite an attitude.

Yeah.

Yeah, I guess I do.

Good. I like attitudes.
Sit down.

What for? I mean…

I'm here interviewing for
a job that doesn't exist,

and I get recommended
by somebody you hate.

Obviously, you're
not gonna hire me.

That's why you're
not in personnel.

You can't read people.

Well, I can read you,
and you're nuts.

And you're a lousy interview.

Yeah, but I'm a
hell of a worker.

That's why I'm hiring you.

Excuse me?

You heard me.

Really?

Really. Can you start Monday?

Muriel…

I love you.

Can I use your phone?

Sure. Help yourself.

I'll go get your paperwork.

You got it?

For sure?

Aw, babe, that's fantastic.

No, no, take your time.

Yeah, baby. I love you, too.
Bye-bye.

Jackie?

Yeah? What's going on?

Roseanne got the job.

She got the job!

She got the job!

What's going on?

- Your mom got the job.
- What job?

The job at…

Where she went for
the interview.

The personnel director is
showing her around now.

You know what would make you mom
really happy when she he gets back?

A temple in her honour.

Besides-besides that.

This place is a mess, right?

Bingo.

I'll get Darlene.

Is Roseanne excited?

Not half as excited as I am.

But she really needed this job.

Oh, you're telling me.

- We gotta celebrate.
- Definitely.

I'll get Crystal on the phone.

I'll let her know
what's going on.

We got 30 minutes to get
this house presentable.

Rub a lamp.

Your mom got that job.

Awesome!

Does that mean she not
gonna be annoying people

on the phone anymore
for a living?

Her telephone sales
days are over.

Yay!

Now let's get to it.

And remember,

we're just looking for
the illusion of clean.

I should get Vonda
on the phone, too.

And I'll call Sylvia.

We'll get a whole
party together.

I should go to the store.

I don't think dried
lentils will cut it.

Crystal? Hi, it's Jackie.
Are you sitting down?

No, no, Crystal, don't
go get a chair.

Roseanne, I need you to
fill out these 3 forms.

You can take the yellow
booklet home with you.

It explains your health
benefits, insurance,

and all that other good stuff.

Great. Thanks, Muriel.

Uh, you might want to come
in a little early on Monday,

just to familiarise
yourself with the computer.

Oh, look, a microwave
with its own organ.

Yes. We use the tangerine 3.
It can do anything.

Well, good. Maybe it can teach
me how to use a computer.

You mean, you never worked
on a computer at wellman?

I worked on my feet at wellman.

But I can learn.

Not in one day you can't.

I'll come in early and
I'll stay really late.

Roseanne,

everything we do here
is on a computer.

I need somebody to
start on Monday.

I mean, our whole inventory
is computerised.

Our sales, our shipping.

Damn, and I sent everybody home.

I'm sorry.

I suppose severance pay
is out of the question.

Here she comes.

Whoa! Oh! We should all hide

and jump out and
yell, "surprise!"

I've always wanted to do that.

JACKIE: Go for it.

Well, I'm not gonna
be the only one.

Hey, Vonda and Phil,
will you do it, too?

Sure, we'll do it.

How about everyone else?

Dan? Dan?

You have my word.

You think we should
have a signal?

How about, uh, when
she opens the door?

Perfect.

What's taking her so long?

She can't get your
car door closed.

Now she's got it.

Now she's kicking
hell out of your car.

What?!

Oh! Here she comes.
Everybody get ready.

Darlene! Darlene!
Turn off the TV!

Get the lights! Go!

No, Dan!

Vonda, you and Phil are
doing it with me, right?

Shh!

Surprise!

Hi, Crystal.

Hip hip!

- Hooray!
- Hooray!

Hip hip!

- Hooray!
- Hooray!

Hip hip!

- Hooray!
- Hooray!

Congratulations, babe!

Oh, we got to talk.

In honour of your new job,

your telephone
magazine sales book…

I wish you hadn't
done that, Dan.

Ha ha! Nice going, sis.

ALL: Rosie! Rosie!
Rosie! Rosie! Rosie!

I hope I never get old.

You already are.

ALL: Rosie! Rosie!

Ok, ok, ok. I wanna
make a speech.

This ought to be good.

Rosie, I just wanna say that
if it hadn't been for you,

I wouldn't have
never quit wellman.

But now me and Emilio, we
have our own little business,

and we're all doing great.

And we owe it all to you.

I only wish there was a
way for us to thank you.

Well, maybe putting me on the
payroll might be a nice gesture.

Juanita, he's doing it again.

Baby, you're a real hero.

I didn't get the job.

What?

You heard me.

What do you mean, you
didn't get the job?

Roseanne, you want a beer?

Not now, Crystal.

I mean I didn't get the job.

You ought to be used to
hearing that by now.

So, you want me to get
the barbecue started,

put on hamburgers, hot dogs?

- No.
- No.

Is something wrong?

I didn't get the job.

What happened?

Oh, I don't want to talk
about it right now.

Phil, I'd just like to thank you
for putting in a good word.

Too bad I'll be
in the warehouse.

I won't be able to see
that much of you.

Did Muriel say when
your lunch hour is?

Oh, I think it's
pretty flexible.

You know, if it
hadn't been for Phil

putting in a good
word with Mr. Garvin,

Muriel would still be
on the loading dock…

Where she belongs.

Oh, not now, Jackie.

So you didn't get this job.

The right job will come along.

This was the right job.

Well, then you'll
get another job.

No, I wanted this job.

Roseanne,

you being out of work right
now is not that big a deal.

Mom, do we have any more chips?

They're in the cupboard.

Which cupboard?

The one with the chips.

Look, my being out
of work right now

is a big deal, Dan.

Because I've been out
of work for 4 months.

Roseanne, you got a minute?

You know, I read your
horoscope today-

not now, Crystal.

Joe, you remember Rosie.

Sure.

How you doing, Rosie?

Hi, Joe.

Where's the cake?

I'll go check.

So tell me,

how old are you today, Rosie?

Joe, I'm 35 today.

Ah…

I'm sorry we didn't
bring a gift.

That's ok, Joe. I
appreciate you coming.

Roseanne…

You want me to get rid
of all these people?

I could do that.

Roseanne, I just heard.

You know, if it wasn't
for you, I would-

hold on there, Crystal.

I'm sorry.

But I wouldn't be my own boss

with my own hours,

and the satisfaction that comes

from making my customers
feel more beautiful

and confident with their
Cindy-Lou cosmetics.

And I owe it all
to you, Roseanne.

Well, you've made me feel
very uncomfortable, Crystal,

and I thank you.

Oh! Are you going to be ok?

I think so.

But I just don't understand what
is wrong with you, Roseanne.

Why won't anyone hire you?

Don't try to cheer
me up, Crystal.

Roseanne, we got to go,

but I just want to thank
you one more time

for getting all of us
out of that hell hole.

Quitting wellman was the
best thing you ever did.

Thanks, Vonda.

DAN: Bye, Vonda.

Congratulating me,

telling me quitting my job

was the best thing I ever did.

It was the stupidest
thing I ever did.

How could I do that?

How could I quit my job?

I've got 3 kids.

And some guy gives
me a little lip,

and I tossed it all.

I tossed my pay
check, my benefits.

I tossed my pension.

I let him beat me.

He didn't beat you.

He did beat me, Dan,
and you know why?

Because he has a job…

And you've got a job,

and Jackie's got a job,

Vonda's got a job,

and hell, even
Crystal has a job.

What do I got?

I got zip!

It's ok, baby. Leave it open.

That's it, Dan. Just go
ahead and make a joke.

"Roseanne can't find a job.
Ha ha ha!"

What do you want me to say?

Why don't you tell me
what to do again, Dan?

I didn't tell you
to quit your job.

- The hell you didn't.
- The hell I did!

I told you if you wanted
to quit your job,

you should go ahead
and quit your job.

I was trying to support you.

Ha ha. You told me
to quit my job,

and now you resent
me because I did!

Bull. Bull. Bull.

You're all the
time picking at me

and making little cracks!

We always make little cracks!

We always make little jokes.

That's how we are.

That's why we get along so well!

Oh, well, it's just so
easy for you to make jokes

when I'm the one
that's out of work

and everything's
going great for you.

I'm not mad at you for
quitting your job.

You're mad at you for
quitting your job.

I'm mad at me for
quitting my job?

And you're taking it out on me

because you think your
family let you down,

and I'm sick of it!

So I quit!

And you think I'm mad
because I quit?!

Yeah, I'm mad that I quit-

and where did everybody go?

I'm sorry.

I did let my family down,

and you know it and I know it.

That hurts. It hurts
real bad, Dan.

Hey.

What?

Get a job.

Where's my history book?

It's underneath the
king's newspaper.

Darlene, get it down here!

Bye, mom. Bye, dad.

Hey, I got one more pancake.

I want French toast.

Well, you'd better
move to Europe.

What about your breakfast?

I'll eat it on the bus.

I'm gone.

I'll talk to you later, baby.

Hey, you forgot something.

I meant your lunch.

Bye.

Bye, mom.

Good morning. This is Roseanne

from the magazine
discount house,

and since you're a
preferred customer…