Roseanne (1988–2018): Season 2, Episode 2 - The Little Sister - full transcript

Ohh!

Roseanne…

Ohh!

Roseanne, it's not that bad.

Oh, they call this a haircut?

It looks ok, really.

12 bucks, and I
look just like D.J.

What are you reading?

My police manual.

What?

You know, I could be
making $3,000 a month



if I get accepted.

You're joking.

No. I already applied.

Knock knock.
Anybody home.

Cut it out.

I'll have you arrested

for assaulting a future officer.

You're goofin' on me, right?

Not that I know of.

You mean to tell me that you
went ahead and did this

without even talking to me?

God, Roseanne,

can't you show a little
enthusiasm for me?

I'm excited about this.



If I was to show enthusiasm
every time you got excited,

I would've run out of enthusiasm

by the time I was 6.

I knew I shouldn't have
said anything about it.

I just should've just come
over one day, cuffed you,

gagged you, told you, and left.

Well, don't you even want
to know what I think?

No, I don't.

Ok, then I'll tell you
what I don't think.

I don't think you're
cop material.

Oh, yeah?

You don't, huh?

You don't even know
what cop material is.

What do you think now?

Let's see you get out of that.

You don't think I'm cop
material now, huh?

You know, being a
cop is something

that takes a lot of commitment...

not your strong point.

Besides that, you're
not a kid anymore.

Look, just because you may
not want me to do it,

doesn't mean I don't
want to do it.

Yeah, but you don't even
know what you're doing.

Roseanne, goodbye.

Oh, Jackie, grow up.

Oh, go to hell.

This is hell.

I can't believe Jackie
wants to be a cop.

She does look good in boots.

I'm serious, Dan.

I know you are, babe.

I'm having real trouble
with the concept

of somebody calling her officer.

Officer Jackie.

I'm really worried about her.

I just hope she
doesn't get accepted.

They'll accept her, all right.

Based on what?

Based on the fact that the
Lanford police department

is run by a bunch of bozos...

half of whom your
sister's dated.

Don't talk about my
sister like that.

That's my job.

Mmm…unbelievable!

That chilli is gonna be
hanging from the ceiling

of the Smithsonian.

Summon the children, Fifi.

Food!

I thought Jackie was
staying for dinner.

No. She's mad at me.

I'm mad at you, and
I stuck around.

I'm mad at you

because I got my hair cut today
and you didn't even notice.

I did so notice, Moe.

Why do you think I'm mad at you?

Spread out.

You are such a liar!

You used it, didn't you?

No, I didn't.

Why don't you just tell
the truth for once.

Ok, I will.

The truth is, you're a dink.

♪ we are family ♪

don't ever touch
my things again.

♪ I got all my sisters with me ♪

I'll touch whatever I want.

Oh, no, not chilli.

Not just any chilli...

my famous chilli.

Yes, Dan Conner's magic chilli,

with the freshest ingredients,

straight from the
Conner family farm.

I want fish sticks.

Well, it's nice to have a dream.

[IMITATING JULIA CHILD]
Tonight we're trying

a variation on my
classic recipe...

beef chilli vegetarian style.

Oh, gross!

I'm not gonna drink out of that.

You put your finger in it.

Don't worry. This
finger's clean.

I had it in my nose all day.

You are such a little twerp.

I'm embarrassed we're related.

At least, I'm not a pervert.

You're disgusting.

Yeah, but I'm not the one

who was reading dad's magazine.

Shut up.

Come on, let's hush up.

Come on, we're
having dinner here.

What magazine?

Girls, girls, girls.

Dan, Dan, Dan.

Honey, I know what
you're gonna say,

and you're absolutely right,

but I just don't think
you should say it

in front of the children.

You have such a big mouth.

You know, Darlene, it's not nice

to tattle on people,

especially people who
do really stupid things

that they know
they shouldn't do.

Ow.

Darlene's a tattle
tale, tattle tale.

D.J.'s right.

You shouldn't rat on people.

And you should keep your mitts

off other people's belongings.

Hey, everybody, calm down.

Your mother's right.
Listen to her.

She's been busting her hump
all day, cooking and cleaning.

She doesn't need
this aggravation.

Would you like a little
wine with dinner, honey?

Forget about it, Dan.

I took a shot.

I thought I told you
to take that magazine

and get it out of this house.

It is out of the house.
It's in the garage.

It's not like it
was in the trash.

It was right on your workbench.

Right. My workbench.

As in, my private workbench.

Yeah, Becky.

Quiet. You're the one who
started this whole thing.

Instead of picking on me,
why don't you ask Becky

what she was doing looking
at that nudie magazine?

Shut up, Darlene.

You want to be like
those girls, don't you?

Shut up!

You know you do.

Why don't you show mom
and dad your sexy walk?

I hate you.

Ow, you sexy thang.

What?

Snitch.

What about Becky?

We're talking about you.

You're right.

Becky never does anything wrong.

Everything is always my fault.

No. This is stuff
that's happened

since you were born.

Go apologise to your sister.

No way!

Ha ha.

Shut up.

Don't hit your brother
when he's eating.

I'm sick of this stupid house.

I can't do anything right.

Where do you think you're going?

We handled that well.

What disgusting thing
are you reading now?

The growth of our nation.

Eww, you are a pervert.

What?

I just want to know

why men like those magazines.

Why do they want to look
at a bunch of women

who they don't even know?

Well, they actually
believe those women

are looking back at them.

What do you think these
girls' fathers say to them?

They probably don't
say too much,

which is probably
one of the reasons

why they end up in
those magazines.

I feel bad for them.

Yeah…

Me, too.

Do you know that women didn't
get to vote until 1920?

Yeah. And as I recall,

we all voted no.

I mean, according to mom,

Becky's always good
and I'm always bad.

Like if Becky gets an "a" in
something, it's this big deal.

But if I get an "a" in
something, mom just ignores it.

You got an "a"?

No. But if I did, she would.

You know what Becky's
favourite thing to say is?

Grow up.

You know where she
gets that from?

From your mom.

Well, it's not fair.

Life is unfair.

Life is this big unfair thing.

One day I'm getting even.

I'm gonna have a neat place

just like this,

and I'm never gonna
invite her over.

Yeah, you will.

That's what's unfair.

You're her sister,

and you're never going
to get rid of her.

If I hear "grow up"
one more time,

boom, I'm not gonna
have a sister.

Me either.

I went over there today

from my house to her house

with a dream.

A little dream.

And she took that dream,

and she stomped it.

And after she stomped it,

she kicked it in the gutter.

Well, she probably
didn't mean it.

That's your mom's way
of being in control…

All the time…

Constantly.

But let's face it.
Without your mom,

life, as we know it, would end.

If she's so important,

how come she can't get a job?

That's right.

Your mom didn't even
have the brains

to say yes to your dad

when your dad asked your mom

to marry me...

her...

him.

You know what I mean?

But little Jackie,

who, according to your mom,

can't even balance a chequebook,

which, by the way,

I had a checking account

long before she ever did

because I went down
to grey rock bank

and got a check book,

by myself,

without any help from her.

And they had...
they had…

This really gross
security guard there

named Eddie.

And your mom and I
used to call him

Eddie spaghetti.

And you know something else?

I had to tell her

what a great catch
she'd be passing up.

Your mom is the one

that can't even balance
a chequebook.

If she's so good with money,

how come I always have
to lend her money?

I bought that glove they
paid for you last year.

Thanks. Really?

Well, that's ok.

That's what sisters are for.

You want something to drink?

No, thanks.

Well, I'm gonna get
a little something.

Whoa!
Aunt Jackie!

Oh, there's all kinds
of gravity in here.

I got to get my sea legs.

You know what?

You are always
welcome in my house…

And so am I.

You know what?

I am going to go
and take a little nap…

Just for one minute.

Ok, Roseanne?

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Should I get that?

[RING]

Hello.

Mom…

Um…

Everything's fine.

Aunt Jackie and I
are just talking

and having a great time.

I'm going to spend
the night, ok?

I feel a lot better.

Yeah, bye.

I am a good cop.

A really good cop.

I'm serious, mother.

Bacon is loaded with sodium,

nitrates, grease,
and animal fat.

Breakfast!

Down 2 inches.

Straight, straight, straight,

right,

left,

straight,

straight, straight down.

Drop that pig meat, cover hog.

Cover hog?

Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Yeah?

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

All right.
Down.

We missing an offspring?

Yeah. Where do you
think I got the bacon?

Three pieces?

Hey, I didn't get any.

Hypocrite.

Two pieces?

Just 'cause you bring
home the bacon,

don't mean you get
to eat it all.

I guess you told me.

I guess I did.

You're so smart,

let me ask you one thing.

How come your face
is smooth this way

and so rough that way?

What did I tell you
about foreplay

in front of the kids?

Morning.

Hey, come here, you.

Darlene.

There's more.

No, there isn't.

Oh, here, take it.

Did you have fun last night?

Yeah.

What did you guys end up doing?

We drove into Chicago

and picked up a
couple of sailors.

Darlene, get a plate.

I'm finished.

Isn't that Halley's comet?

Forget about it.

What's your aunt
Jackie doing today?

Sleeping.

Why, did you guys end
up staying up late?

Well, you know how those
sailors love to party.

So…

So, what did you guys
talk about last night?

Me?

What did your aunt Jackie say?

Ask her yourself.
I'm not a tattle tale.

Well, it's not really tattling

if I have to beat it out of you.

Hey.

Hiya, kid.

Thanks for putting
the pail by the bed.

Oh, look, aunt Jackie's

got her hang-over glasses on.

Was she drinking last night?

Did you get drunk while
my kid was over there?

No. I was drunk before
she got over there.

Darlene, would you like to
help me work on the boat?

No, not really.

So would your
brother and sister.

Come along.

What do you mean going
and getting ploughed?

What is your problem?

You.

You. You are my problem.

What did I do now?

Same thing as you
always do, Roseanne.

You sit up there on your...

pedestal?

Yeah.

You act like some
big high and mighty,

self-righteous…

Pedestal-type person.

And you poo-poo
everything in my life.

Yeah. And you go right for
your addictive behaviour…

'Cause you cannot
handle conflict.

That's the whole thing.

You cannot handle conflict.

Remember, we saw that
whole thing on Oprah...

people who cannot
handle conflict,

so right away, they
run for the alcohol.

Well, have another shot
of pancake, Roseanne.

You know, people
who live in glass houses

shouldn't eat stones.

Well, we're not
talking about me.

I am. I am talking about you.

Just once, one time,

I would like for
you to be for me,

to be on my side,

for me alone.

So that doesn't have
anything to do with you.

Well, maybe I would do
that if you ever came up

with some kind of an idea
I could actually support.

What is wrong with that idea?

What is wrong with me
becoming a policewoman?

Yes, I know sometimes
I start on things

and I never follow
through with 'em.

And I know that sometimes
I get jazzed about stuff

that's not even ever
going to happen.

But this is gonna happen,

and I wish you would
give me some support.

Why can't you just
go and be something

like a meter maid?

I mean, you used to
work at Wellman.

You're used to
handling small change.

See, that's it.

Again, what do I have to do

to convince you that
I could be a cop?

Beat you up?

Yeah, not on your best day.

Oh, come on.

Ooh!

Come on.

Ooh.

Take your best shot.

Take your best shot.

You know that I would just
knock your lights out.

Well, then, go ahead.

Make my day.

Ow! Ow!

- Ow!
- Ow!

Let me up!

Let me up!

Excuse me.

Is this like a sex thing?

'Cause if it is,
I'll go get the camera,

and we can toss
that magazine again.

Dan, get her off of me!

Don't you come near me.

I'll break her wrist.

Dan!

I think she means it, Roseanne.

I do mean it.

She does mean it, folks.

And this is the grudge match

we've all been waiting for.

Throw out the rule book.

The Lanford wrestling
federation rules

do not apply.

Dan, I'm serious.

She's serious, folks.

I'm really serious!

She's really serious.

You apologise to me

for never being on my side.

I have nothing to apologise for.

Ow!

Ooh, this is not
for the squeamish.

I think that wrist
is about to go.

Ohh!

You come on, Roseanne.

Ok, I'm sorry.

- Louder.
- [SOBS]

Now, this is ridiculous.

Aah!

I'm sorry!
I'm sorry!

Say it like you mean it.

I mean it.
I'm sorry.

It's an apology to the head.

Dan, get out of here.

Get the hell out of here!

I'm out of here.

Ok, why are you sorry?

Let me sit up,

and I'll tell you why.

Ow!

Ok, you want to be a cop, fine.

I will support you.

But I just have to make

one point before I do.

Ok, pig. I've got a gun,

and I'm going to
blow your head off.

What are you going
to do about it?

Slap your hand away.

Go ahead.

Bang!

You're dead, Jackie.

You're dead.

Get it?

Meter maid is good.

Get a little uniform,

drive a nice car,

get some benefits,
take home some money.

- Meter maid is not bad.
- That's a good idea, sis.

Yeah. And then you'll
give some guy a ticket,

and he'll get out of his car

and blow your head off.

Oh, so now you don't want
me to be a meter maid?