Roseanne (1988–2018): Season 2, Episode 1 - Inherit the Wind - full transcript

Ok, so you've got 12 months
of mad, well illustrated.

6 months of kings of drag
racing and 24 months

of indoor soccer
weekly.

And the magazines should be
arriving in four to six weeks.

Thank you.

From my mouth
to God's ear.

Nice work, babe.
Real smooth.

You know what I like
about this job, Dan?

Nothing.

That's the spirit!

D.J., by the time
you move,



I'll be going
through menopause.

Darlene...

Nice move, buddy!

Ha!

King me.

Dad, you gave him
a triple jump!

Well, I already
took my hand off.

You're just letting him
win 'cause he's a midget.

Am not!

Are, too!

Why don't you
take a break, babe?

I can't, Dan.
This is my prime time.

Everybody's home
fighting with their spouse

and being tortured
by their children.



Yeah, some people are even
feeding their children.

Well, that's because
some people's children

have already
set the table.

I talk too much.

Ok, Deej, what do you say
we call it a tie?

I had you!

D.J., you can't play
checkers to save your life.

Darlene, put out the forks and
stick one in your tongue.

Is my hair ok
like this?

I guess so.

We're only havin'
hamburgers.

It makes me look older,
don't you think?

Jimmy's a junior.

Who's Jimmy?

You don't know him.
He's in high school.

Oh, excuse me.

Jimmy Meltrigger's the
varsity quarterback.

Ooh. Tell him no taking the
snap on the first date.

Dan!

Just trying to get her
ready for game time.

Well, when is game time,
by the way?

Tomorrow night.
He's picking me up here.

As opposed to where,
motel 6?

Why don't you wear
your blue sweater outfit?

You look really
good in that.

I might, but if I do wear it,
it won't be because of you.

I was just trying to help.

Just don't.

Fine!
Go ahead and wear

one of your dorky
big-butt outfits.

This is magazine
discount house.

Darlene,
get the door.

Why do I always have to
get the door?

You don't always
have to get the door.

I'll go.

Hi, Crystal.

Hello, hello, hello!

Hey, Crystal, did
you get the dress?

Uh-huh.

I went through
my cousin Beverley's closet

and I found a treasure.

Tomorrow night, Roseanne,

you will be the belle
of the ball!

I'd rather wear
the bag.

What's wrong with it?

Well, you stick a couple
candles in my nose,

and I'd look like
a birthday cake.

Thanks anyway,
Crystal.

Dan, you just better go to
this thing all by yourself.

No dice, babe.

You gotta go.

It's
a grand opening.

I dry walled this
bank for you.

Well, why couldn't you
have dry walled

some dress shop for me?

Come on, you'll
have a great time.

Free champagne, live band,
all the shrimp you can eat,

and, yes, me.

What more
could you want?

I want a new dress.

Why don't you
have any money?

Well, I did, but I blew
it on tube socks for D.J.

Damn! I hate myself.

Hey, I know where you can
borrow a really nice dress,

but you've got
to be open.

What is that
supposed to mean?

By open, I mean
I know someone

who you can borrow
a dress from,

but when I mention
her name,

you got to promise
you won't scream.

I promise.

Edna Debelco.

Aah!

Who's Edna Debelco?

Aah!

She's a really
wonderful person, Dan.

Roseanne's just screamin'

because she thinks
Edna's a whinin',

complainin', snivelling kletch.

Kvetch.

Becky, what do you
think of this dress?

Stick a few candles in
it and make a wish.

Hey, mom, what you workin' on?

Invoices.

I'm ordering new children.

Yeah?

Well, why don't
we trade Becky in

for a partially tattooed
Latin boy of 16?

'Cause that's my Christmas
present to myself.

Hold it.

Could this woman be
my little Becky?

Not all of her.

If I were you, I'd check upstairs
for some missing Kleenex.

Darlene, you have
such a big mouth.

And you have such a small chest.

At least I have a chest.

At least I'm no drooling,
boy-crazed nymphomaniac.

Hey, leave me out of this.

You're just jealous
'cause I have a date.

And a two-ply chest.

Hermaphrodite.

Oh, yeah?

How does this skirt
look with this sweater?

Good.

Mom?

Just fine.

Really?

Really.

- Dad?
- Terrific.

- Promise?
- Promise.

Mom?

Becky, would you relax?

Your date's not
even until tonight.

But I'm giving my report

in front of the whole
student council today,

and Jimmy Meltrigger
head of my committee.

Really, mom?

Really.

Thanks.

- Becky.
- What?

Come here.

What?

You forgot your report.

I gotta go.

I got to go over to the
lumber yard and talk to joey.

Hey, when you go over there
to pick up your tuxedo,

make sure you get the
shoes that go with it.

I will.

Ah, you better put a
note on your windshield.

- Hey, don't worry about me.
- What are you gonna wear?

Well, in the immortal
words of Dan Conner

on his wedding day,

"babe, I'm gonna wear
what I'm gonna wear. Ptooey!"

And whatever it is,

I'm sure you'll look
as terrific as I did.

Hi, Edna...

- It's Roseanne Conner.
- How are you?

Good evening.

This is Vanessa from
the magazine discount house.

And since
you're a preferred customer

with a credit card,
I'm prepared to offer you

a 1, 2 or 3 year subscription
to your favourite magazines

at prices
substantially lower

than that what you pay
at the news stands.

Yeah? Same to you!

Hello.

Oh, hi, Edna.

Aah!

Oh, yeah. I tried it on,
and it fits perfectly.

No. I wouldn't try
to lance that thing by myself.

Ow!

Oh! Dan hurt himself,
Edna.

I have to go.

Hey, I thought you had
pep squad today.

I'm quitting pep squad!
I'm quitting school!

I'm never going back again!

If anybody calls me,
tell 'em I'm dead!

Well,
it must be serious.

She's not takin'
phone calls.

Where is she?
Where is my sister?

She went upstairs.

Aha! I'll nail her
on her home turf.

Nah, you're not nailin'
nobody.

What happened?

I've been waiting for something
like this since I was 2.

You passed a test!

Enlighten us.

I'd be glad to.

Now this is according
to Cheryl brewer

whose older sister not only
goes to Lanford high,

is also on the student council,
and had a ringside seat

for the event
of the century.

Get to
the point, Edna.

Ok, this is great.
Ok. Here goes. Ok, here goes.

Hotshot Becky's standing up
to give her speech

in front of all her snotty
high school friends-

Georgina Wellen, Linda Ferramin,

Diane "the schnozz" Birelli,

and Mr. Perfect,
Jimmy Meltrigger.

There she is, all dressed
up trying to look so cool,

with her hair perfect
that she spent

45 minutes on
in the bathroom-

Darlene.

Ok.

Well, just as she
completes the line,

"I'd like to thank
the student council

for allowing me
to speak my mind,"

it happened.

What happened?

Becky...cut...
The cheese.

People are already calling
her "Conner the bomber."

Darlene,
give it a rest.

Oh, poor Becky.

She should be proud.

Becky Conner-

the only woman
to break the sound barrier

without a plane.

You know this could've
happened to you.

I think I'm gonna go upstairs
and see how her day went.

Oh, no. I think you're just
gonna go on in the kitchen

and fix yourself
a snack.

I'm not hungry.

Well, then, go out there and
stay there till you are.

Well, now what?

Shut up, Dan!

What?

This isn't funny.

This is totally serious.

Mm-why don't you go up-
upstairs and talk to her?

'Cause I figure this is
your area of expertise.

Ok, ok. Ok.

I didn't make it.

- Honey.
- What?

I owe you one.

I heard you
laid down the law.

Who told you?

It was on the news.

Darlene told me.

Oh, great.

Hey, honey,
accidents happen.

Well,
this one happened

in front of the whole
student council.

Everybody heard it.

Jimmy Meltrigger
heard it.

I don't know
what to tell you.

I don't
want this, ok?

Well, what about
your date with Jimmy?

What do you think?

You know, when I was in high
school, I kept this diary-

I've heard
the diary story.

Yeah, well,
I've made some revisions.

Ok, and in this diary
I had written down

my innermost secrets.

All my fantasies
and love poems,

all that really
embarrassing crap.

I know, and some guy
stole it.

Yeah, and read it
to the whole school.

I wanted to crawl
into a hole and die.

That was the worst thing
I've ever lived through.

But, you know, to this day,

I don't even remember
that guy's name.

Barry Watnick.

His name was
Barry Watnick.

Every time
you tell that story,

you say, "I can remember
it "like it was yesterday.

That creep Barry Watnick
stole my diary."

Nice try.

Lonnie told me about Becky's
unfortunate accident.

I'm so sorry.

Yeah, we're thinking of
having her put to sleep.

I bought Becky
a card.

Well,
how thoughtful.

And strange.

I got to drop Lonnie off
at the Y,

then I'll be back
to do your make-up.

Thank you, Crystal.

You know, they say they
make a card for everything.

What do you wanna bet?

I'll be damned.

Hi, sweetheart.

Here's the remote.

Pffft!

Roseanne, why don't you
let me talk to Becky?

No, she's already
close enough to the edge.

You know what
I'm gonna do, Roseanne?

I'm gonna
leave you some samples.

Ha ha ha ha
ha ha ha.

What's so funny?

Oh, I was just
remembering the time

when you dove into the ivy
street pool, and came up,

and had a whole conversation
with Henry Jywicki

with your left buoy
bobbing on the surf.

Oh, lord.

That never happened.

You don't
remember that

Henry Jywicki spent
the rest of his summer

riding his bike
around our driveway.

That never happened,
Jackie.

If that would have
happened,

I would have been more
popular in high school.

It was
4th of July weekend.

You had on that stars and
stripes bathing suit

because you said
it reminded you of

peter Fonda's helmet
in easy rider.

And when you came up, half
the country had disappeared.

Oh, my God.

I had completely
forgotten about that.

Come on.

Go ahead.
Tell her.

Becky, I heard about what
happened to you at school today.

I just wanted
to tell you that

it reminded me
of the time when your mom

dove into a public pool
and came up

with half
her bathing suit off.

Which half?

The northern states.
I was so crushed,

I didn't even go back to that
pool for the rest of summer.

What's your point?

Well, the point is that
when it happened to me,

I was so humiliated

I thought I'd never
get over it, you know?

But until just now, I had
completely forgotten about it.

And you
remembered it?

Oh, yeah, like
it was yesterday.

That was the talk
of the town. Ha!

I ran into Henry Jywicki

just the other day
at the hardware store.

He asked me
if you were gonna be

joining the pool again
this summer.

Then he made that face.

♪ Here she is,
miss America ♪

Miss Conner hails
from Lanford, Illinois.

Her goal is to achieve
peace on earth,

and her hobbies include windsurfing
and satisfying her man.

You look great,
mom.

Well, thank you.

Come on, Deej.
Let's go get your PJs on.

I'll get it if I can
come out of the kitchen.

If you come out of the
kitchen, you're gonna get it.

Ooh,
notice me tremble.

Hi.

I'm here to pick up Becky.

Oh, hi.
You must be Jimmy.

Come on in.

Thanks.

Nice house.

Guess you
don't get out much.

Well, Becky's
still upstairs.

Can I get you
something to drink?

No, thanks. Really.
I'm fine.

You must be Darlene.

Why?

Your sister was right.

You're pretty cute.

Becky said that?

Yeah.

You're sure you don't
want something to drink?

Uh, no, I'm all right.

Well, if you do want anything,
I'll be in the kitchen

for the rest
of my life.

I'll go tell Becky
you're here.

Have a seat.

Miss Moneypenny,
I've spoken to Q.

We've deposited the microfilm
in a vault in Zurich.

Move.

Right.

So, uh, Becky tells me
you're a quarterback.

Uh, no,
I'm a Cornerback.

I feel much safer
knowing my daughter's

going out
with a defensive player.

You know, I, uh,
I see your picture

in the trophy case
at school.

The Illinois
regional's.

They say you were one
of the best line men

ever to play
for Lanford.

Jimmy, are you sayin' all this
to get on my good side?

Yes, I am.
It's working.

So Jimbo, tell me a little
bit more about yourself.

Like, for example,
why you idolise me.

Hey, Jimmy Meltrigger's
downstairs waitin' for you.

Oh, my God.

That's what I said.
"Ooh, he ain't bad."

I can't believe it.

He's here?

Oh, my God, what is
he doing here?

Well, right now
he's charming

the rented pants
off your father.

Mom, look,
I can't see him.

Tell him I'm sick.

Oh, Becky,
get off it already.

It wasn't such a terrible
thing that happened.

The proof of it is that jimmy's
downstairs waitin' for you.

He's just keepin'
the date to be nice.

Oh, and what a rotten
character trait that is.

Mom, I'm gonna run into
everyone I know.

Becky, what are you
afraid of?

They were laughing
at me, mom. Come on.

Look.

So you made a little boombie
in front of everybody.

You're just upset 'cause you
don't like to do anything

unless you got it written down
on a pad beforehand.

Hey, what happened was just
one of those

spontaneous little surprises
that life is full of.

And fortunately,
no one was hurt.

You better get used
to it, too,

because I'm tellin' you,
life is full of boombies.

Now why don't you get downstairs
before aunt Jackie

runs off with your date?

Mom?

You're not gonna
do it again, are you?

No.

I just wanted to tell
you you look real nice.

Yeah, I do, don't I?

Uh-huh, uh-huh. Ed-Edna, have
you tried takin' a hot bath?

I'll go on record right now
and say that high-top cleats

will definitely be back in.

Hey, look at.

They've bonded.

Isn't that cute?

Hey, Becky,
how you doin'?

Hi, Jimmy.

Come on, Dan.
We're gonna be late.

Oh, yeah, I'll get
the chariot.

Uh, if you don't have her
home by midnight,

I'll
clothesline you.

Hey, see you at 10:30, sis.

Darlene, you be good.

Will you tell Crystal
thanks?

Don't worry.
She'll still be

talking to Edna
when you get back.

Hey, have fun, you guys.

Oh, that must be my limo.

I wasn't sure
you'd show up.

I wasn't sure
you'd be up for goin' out.

Well, I am.

So am I.

So, listen.
Everything else aside,

what did you think
of my speech?