Roseanne (1988–2018): Season 1, Episode 4 - Language Lessons - full transcript
While making his famous chili, Dan awaits a phone call about a badly-needed construction job, and has to run Jackie off the phone. Dan expresses his annoyance with Jackie always being over ...
( HARMONICA WAILS )
( THEME MUSIC PLAYING )
( LAUGHING )
Yeah, I know nobody's
been working.
This sounds real good.
- Boing.
- Well, n...
thanks, yeah. No,
I'm here all day.
Give me a call as soon as you
find out something for sure.
Okay, man, thanks a
lot. Bye-bye. Whoo!
All right, your old man's
going back to work.
- Did Dwight get a job for you?
- Maybe.
He's pretty sure he's got something
lined up for the Stanford Buil'.
Some guy wants his kitchen
remodelled. Be a couple weeks work.
He's going to call me back
as soon as it's definite.
Great, maybe I can finally
get you out of this house.
♪ you're going to miss me
adee, adee, adee ♪
so's that sofa.
The only thing you've been
doing for the last two weeks
is just layin'
there, watching TV
and buffin' out your nails.
How do they look?
( GIGGLING )
Get off!
Quit bothering me!
Get back in there and fix
your four-star Chili.
You only married
me for my cooking.
Huh-uh.
I married you 'cause you needed
a date for your wedding.
So when is this Chili
masterpiece gonna be done?
Hey, you don't rush great art.
Make sure you make
enough for Jackie.
She's coming over?
Honey, doesn't she come
over every single Saturday?
I was just thinking
maybe she'd miss a day.
You knew when you married
me that I had a sister.
I didn't think she'd
be here every weekend.
Hell, I didn't think I'd
be here every weekend.
If she had a life of her own,
she wouldn't have to ruin mine.
I'm telling you, honey,
two minutes after she walks
in... put those down.
Put those down.
( SHOUTING )
( SHOUTING )
- Drop 'em.
- Okay.
Okay, anyway, where was I?
A few minutes after she
walks through that door,
she's gonna say, "dan, you
know what your problem is?"
"Dan, you know what
your problem is?"
- Oh, don't start.
- I hear that one more time,
I'll tie her to that chair and make her
watch 15 years of our home movies.
Well, now, that is the cruellest
thing you've ever said, you beast.
- ( SINISTER LAUGHTER )
- (DOOR CLOSES)
- JACKIE: Anybody home?
- Whew! No, we moved.
KIDS: Hi, Jackie!
Dan, what's wrong?
My sister-in-law's here.
( CRYING NOISES )
The world-famous chef
is dicing onions
- for his four-star Chili.
- I love Chili.
- Let me have a taste.
- I can give you some to go.
Mmm.
Well, I don't want to spoil
my appetite for dinner.
You invited her to dinner?
Not yet. Jackie, honey, why
don't you stay for dinner?
That'll be convenient since
I'm spending the night.
Spending the night?
Yeah, the pipes in my
apartment froze again.
I don't have any water.
I can get you some water to go.
Dan, you know what
your problem is?
You want me to set up
the projector now?
You don't put enough
pepper in the Chili.
I happen to put the perfect
amount of peppers in my Chili.
It's too bland.
Rosie, is my Chili too bland?
Absolutely not!
Your Chili is just like
you, hot and spicy.
Hey, aunt Jackie.
Hi, sweetheart. What
are you looking at?
- "Teenage life."
- Oh, my god, Roseanne.
- You remember that?
- Oh, yeah.
We used to read all
those articles
about how to be the
perfect woman.
Yeah, those were great.
My favourite one was "50
ways to say I love you"
using only your eyes."
There's this great
article in here
about how to read your
boyfriend's body language.
If your boyfriend's
body starts talking
I want to know about it.
I happen to know quite a
bit about body language.
Yeah? Tell your
body to go home?
( LAUGHING )
Rebecca, your father's words
are saying "go home."
But his body is saying
that he loves and adores
his sister-in-law.
Hey, Jackie, read this.
DAN: All right…
I had a sodie on the
counter. Who took it?
- D.J.: Not me.
- Soda phantom.
You mean this?
What are you doing?
- I was drinking that.
- I'm sorry. Here.
I ain't gonna drink it if
you slobbered all over it.
Careful, dad.
You'll get cooties.
Hey, I don't have cooties.
Oh, yeah? What's this?
( SHRIEKING )
Cut it out! Dan!
It's getting bigger!
It's getting bigger!
Cut it out.
Get back in the kitchen and spice
up that bland Chili of yours.
Hey, you can insult my wife and
you can insult my children
but don't badmouth my Chili.
( SHRIEKING )
Can you hand me the glue?
You guys are doing really good.
I know, I'm in
charge of the glue.
- You know what you need though?
- DARLENE: Huh?
Look in the picture.
You need a drawbridge.
Yeah, that's cool.
Go out in the garage and get
me a piece of wood that big.
Don't move your fingers. It's
gotta be exactly that size.
Greetings, alien.
Not now, mom.
Hey, Jackie, the washing
machine's free.
Okay, thanks.
Boy, you're really putting
in some time on this.
- Yeah, I know.
- It must be important.
No, not really.
It's just for fun.
Well, let me tell you
a story just for fun.
No, not a story!
Once upon a time,
there was a…
Once upon a time, there
was this little girl
who ran away from home 'cause her
mother told her long, boring stories.
Shut up, you.
Once upon a time, there
was a beautiful queen
and she lived in a
beautiful palace.
And she had a beautiful and
lovely little daughter.
- Her name was...
- let me guess, mom.
Darlene.
No, smartmouth, it was Darlena.
Anyway, the beautiful
queen was puzzled,
and she asked Darlena "why art
thou building this thing?"
And Darlena replied,
"don't try and figure it
out. Just live with it."
What is this all about, Darlene?
What?
Level with me.
Mom…
I'm flunking history.
Uh-huh…
Well, crane said if I did
this castle for extra credit
and did okay on the next test,
I might pass.
Uh-huh.
So that's why I gotta
get this in by Monday.
Oh. Then I'm gonna let
you get back to work.
- Wait, aren't you gonna yell at me?
- No.
Aren't you gonna tell
me how bright I am,
but I never apply myself and
always wait till the last minute?
You don't need to hear
that again, do you?
Yeah, I went out
with him on Friday.
I hadn't told you that. Right.
So, I was gonna go out
with him again on Saturday
and then I found out
he went to Chicago.
I found out from billy.
Right. I have no way to
get in touch with him.
I call his apartment and leave
a message on the machine.
I had nothing to say, I'm
like "hi, how are you?"
Jackie, you going to stay
on that phone all day?
Hold on, just a second.
I'm gonna be off
in just a second.
So I leave the message,
you know, and then,
how am I supposed to
get in touch with him?
Would you please hurry up? I'm
expecting a very important phone call.
You know what your
problem is, dan?
You don't have call waiting.
You know what your
problem is, Jackie?
You don't pay my phone bill.
I'll call you later.
Okay. Phone's all yours.
Thank you for allowing
me to use my telephone.
You're welcome.
( MUTTERING )
- I don't want to complain…
- But you're gonna.
When you were growing up,
how did you live with her?
We just locked her
up in the closet,
and stuffed some dog
food under the door.
She is a major-league
pain in the butt.
Yeah, but you know
you're really spoiled
because you live with me,
you're used to perfection.
( PHONE RINGING )
Here it is. Come on, Dwight.
Hello? Hey, Dwight,
what's the word?
Yeah.
Thanks anyway. Yeah,
maybe next week.
Right, bye bye.
Damn.
You are going to get the
very next job that comes.
I hope so. I'm going nuts,
sitting around here
for two weeks.
Yeah, but I kind of
like having you around.
I kind of like being around,
but I feel terrible
when I ain't working.
Well, you want work? 'Cause
over at the blue flamingo
they're hiring topless dancers.
Nah, I couldn't do
that, my bad knee.
Well, I'd put a dollar
in your g-string.
Go get your purse.
Mom, dad, come on.
You gotta try this.
There's a test in the back
of this "teenage life."
And you guys are gonna be
our lovebird guinea pigs.
I don't feel like
playing no game.
- Come on, dad. Please?
- Do I gotta do anything weird?
You wish.
Just do it, all right?
- Come on, come on…
- All right.
- Sit. You sit, you sit.
- ( DAN GRUMBLING )
- Now…
- Lay this game on us.
"EXERCISE ONE:
Tantalizing with touch."
Ooh, I think I'm
going to like this.
"The object of this exercise"
is to transmit a
deeply felt emotion
"with your hands."
- Jackie, this is corny.
- Roseanne.
Oh, all right.
Okay, I can do it.
Come on, you guys.
This really could help
your relationship.
- Be serious.
- Okay, I'm serious.
- Are you serious?
- I'm serious.
Okay, we're serious.
All right, face… Let's see.
Face your boyfriend
and touch hands.
Yeah, but my
boyfriend's not here.
Will my husband do?
He'll have to do.
"Try to communicate an emotion
without speaking."
Okay, he'll be wrong.
I just know it.
Okay, dad. What's
mom thinking?
She's thinking I'll be wrong.
This is great.
Dan, we never have to
talk to each other again.
- BOTH: Yay!
- BECKY: Come on, you two!
Come on, try it again.
Okay. Okay. Okay,
I got it, okay.
I'm transmitting a very
important message.
Tune in, loverboy.
Oh, I'm picking something up.
All right, dan. What's
she trying to tell you?
She's telling me something I've
wanted to hear for a real long time.
My sister-in-law's
moving to north Dakota.
Dad!
Sorry, Jackie, that was a joke.
South Dakota.
Sometimes there's a lot
of truth in kidding.
Hell, don't psycho-analyse
everything I say.
Believe me, it's not worth it.
No, dan, I want to know.
Do I irritate you?
I don't want to get into this.
- No, really.
- Where do I begin?
You don't.
- At the beginning.
- Okay.
One thing, you pick
all of the nuts
out of the rocky road ice cream.
Well, put me in front
of a firing squad.
I'm gonna put you both in
front of a firing squad.
You could knock when
you walk in the door.
You want me to knock when
I come over? I can knock.
I'd love for you to knock when
you walk in the door. Please.
- Fine, fine.
- ( BANGING )
( SHOUTING ) Chili's ready.
Dan, spit it out. What's
really bothering you?
What's bothering me is that
you're over here all the time.
If you had a job you wouldn't
even notice so much.
( DOOR SLAMS )
Gosh, you simply must come
over more often, sis!
Well, dan really went
off the deep end.
Oh, you think so?
He just lost a job. That was the
phone call he was waiting for.
- Oh.
- I don't know how you do it.
You always manage to say the
most perfectly wrongest thing,
at the most perfectly
wrongest time.
Just like mom.
Well, okay, take his side.
Oh… There you
go, that's two.
That's the most perfectly
wrongest thing
you could have said to me.
Why don't you think
before you talk?
You expect me to
apologize to him?
No, I don't expect
you to do nothing.
- That's what you want.
- I'm not gonna tell you what to do.
Why not? You're gonna tell
me what to do anyway,
- just like mom.
- That's three!
He has been on my case ever
since I came in the door.
I'm not apologizing to him
until he apologizes to me.
- Mom?
- What?
Are dad and aunt Jackie
really mad at each other?
No…
They just fight for the same
reason you fight with Darlene.
To torture me.
DARLENE: D.J., look
what you did. Mom!
Look what you did.
You ruined it!
I didn't mean to!
You're so stupid!
What happened?
D.J. Fell on my castle
and crushed it.
- We can fix it.
- No, we can't.
I'm gonna flunk history and
it's all D.J.'s fault.
- Oh, it's D.J.'s fault.
- Yes, look what he did.
Oh, yeah, it's
definitely his fault
that you didn't
study all semester.
But mom, he was just here...
and it's his fault that you put
this off to the last minute.
- You always take his side.
- I'm not taking his side.
Yes, you are. You're
strict with me and Becky,
but you let D.J. Get
away with murder.
Darlene, who are
you really mad at?
D.j.
Yeah, well that makes
a lot of sense.
If I'd screwed around all semester
and was flunking history,
I'd be looking for somebody
else to blame it on too.
That's not what I'm doing.
That's exactly what
you're doing, Darlene.
It's not fair!
( CALLING ) D.J.
- Come on down here, honey.
- D.J.: Is Darlene there?
No, she's gone. It's
safe. Come on down.
Looks like you really
re-decorated Darlene's castle.
I didn't mean to.
I know, it was an accident.
Darlene hates me.
She doesn't hate you,
honey, she hates history.
She said I was stupid.
You're not stupid, you're
just clumsy like your daddy.
Yeah, right.
Do you want to go in the kitchen
and be my official Chili taster?
No.
You're just gonna sit here on the
steps for the rest of your life?
- Yep.
- And let people walk on you
and pile books on you and junk?
Yep.
Well, that ain't much of a life.
But I'll help you get started.
Come here.
I'll give you a hat.
( GIGGLING )
Mom, should I put this
other load in the dryer?
ROSEANNE: No, I'll
do it in a minute.
Giddyup, giddyup, giddyup…
Okay, horsy. Get up here.
Whoo! Ahh!
Mom, I finished
folding the laundry.
Thank you, honey. You're one
of my three favourite kids.
What about me?
No.
Are you ready for
some delicious Chili?
Yep.
Okay, you ready for
the greatest Chili
- in the entire world?
- Yep.
All right, here you go.
( CRUNCHING )
Just a little bit bland.
Man, this garage is a mess.
I gotta get organized.
Dad, can I use this?
No, I need that,
me, myself and I,
Manny M. Man.
- What are you doing?
- Cutting some more wood.
So you're going to
fix that castle?
Yeah, but it's still
D.J.'s fault.
Gosh, Darlene's so
doggone stubborn.
I wonder where she gets it from.
Not from me.
No, it couldn't be from you.
Roseanne, I know
what you're doing.
There's no way I'm
gonna go in there
and apologize to your sister.
I just thought I'd let you know
that I'm gonna go
check into a motel.
Anybody we know?
I think it'd be better if
I stayed somewhere else.
How about the Philippines?
- You know what your problem is, dan?
- Yeah, you.
See I come in here and
try to make things easy,
and he's acting like a big baby.
Would you tell your sister
it takes one to know one.
I don't know how you get
along with this guy.
Tell your sister
to hit the bricks.
I know this game. I
really know this game.
It's called "let's
tear Roseanne apart."
You take this arm, and
you take this arm,
and then you just both pull
until I splatter into a puddle.
( SIGHS )
She's over here all the time
because she's my sister.
He don't mean nothing, he's
just blowing off steam.
You two are worse than all three
of the kids put together.
You're driving me nuts.
You've got to get it together.
( DOOR SLAMS )
Well…
You don't have to stay in
no motel. That's silly.
You can sleep out here.
She's really something.
She does get carried
away sometimes.
She loves to tell everybody
exactly how to lead their lives.
That's 'cause she thinks
she knows everything.
ROSEANNE: Well, I do!
( LAUGHS )
( INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC ON TV )
Dan…
Isn't that movie over yet?
No.
I want to go to sleep.
Please. This is the
best part of the movie.
Come on, you're on my bed.
Jackie, your bed is my sofa.
Here you go, sis.
- Dan won't get off the couch.
- Honey, get off the couch.
Shhh!
Getting ready for the showdown.
( GARBLED NOISES )
( THEME MUSIC PLAYING )
( LAUGHING )
Yeah, I know nobody's
been working.
This sounds real good.
- Boing.
- Well, n...
thanks, yeah. No,
I'm here all day.
Give me a call as soon as you
find out something for sure.
Okay, man, thanks a
lot. Bye-bye. Whoo!
All right, your old man's
going back to work.
- Did Dwight get a job for you?
- Maybe.
He's pretty sure he's got something
lined up for the Stanford Buil'.
Some guy wants his kitchen
remodelled. Be a couple weeks work.
He's going to call me back
as soon as it's definite.
Great, maybe I can finally
get you out of this house.
♪ you're going to miss me
adee, adee, adee ♪
so's that sofa.
The only thing you've been
doing for the last two weeks
is just layin'
there, watching TV
and buffin' out your nails.
How do they look?
( GIGGLING )
Get off!
Quit bothering me!
Get back in there and fix
your four-star Chili.
You only married
me for my cooking.
Huh-uh.
I married you 'cause you needed
a date for your wedding.
So when is this Chili
masterpiece gonna be done?
Hey, you don't rush great art.
Make sure you make
enough for Jackie.
She's coming over?
Honey, doesn't she come
over every single Saturday?
I was just thinking
maybe she'd miss a day.
You knew when you married
me that I had a sister.
I didn't think she'd
be here every weekend.
Hell, I didn't think I'd
be here every weekend.
If she had a life of her own,
she wouldn't have to ruin mine.
I'm telling you, honey,
two minutes after she walks
in... put those down.
Put those down.
( SHOUTING )
( SHOUTING )
- Drop 'em.
- Okay.
Okay, anyway, where was I?
A few minutes after she
walks through that door,
she's gonna say, "dan, you
know what your problem is?"
"Dan, you know what
your problem is?"
- Oh, don't start.
- I hear that one more time,
I'll tie her to that chair and make her
watch 15 years of our home movies.
Well, now, that is the cruellest
thing you've ever said, you beast.
- ( SINISTER LAUGHTER )
- (DOOR CLOSES)
- JACKIE: Anybody home?
- Whew! No, we moved.
KIDS: Hi, Jackie!
Dan, what's wrong?
My sister-in-law's here.
( CRYING NOISES )
The world-famous chef
is dicing onions
- for his four-star Chili.
- I love Chili.
- Let me have a taste.
- I can give you some to go.
Mmm.
Well, I don't want to spoil
my appetite for dinner.
You invited her to dinner?
Not yet. Jackie, honey, why
don't you stay for dinner?
That'll be convenient since
I'm spending the night.
Spending the night?
Yeah, the pipes in my
apartment froze again.
I don't have any water.
I can get you some water to go.
Dan, you know what
your problem is?
You want me to set up
the projector now?
You don't put enough
pepper in the Chili.
I happen to put the perfect
amount of peppers in my Chili.
It's too bland.
Rosie, is my Chili too bland?
Absolutely not!
Your Chili is just like
you, hot and spicy.
Hey, aunt Jackie.
Hi, sweetheart. What
are you looking at?
- "Teenage life."
- Oh, my god, Roseanne.
- You remember that?
- Oh, yeah.
We used to read all
those articles
about how to be the
perfect woman.
Yeah, those were great.
My favourite one was "50
ways to say I love you"
using only your eyes."
There's this great
article in here
about how to read your
boyfriend's body language.
If your boyfriend's
body starts talking
I want to know about it.
I happen to know quite a
bit about body language.
Yeah? Tell your
body to go home?
( LAUGHING )
Rebecca, your father's words
are saying "go home."
But his body is saying
that he loves and adores
his sister-in-law.
Hey, Jackie, read this.
DAN: All right…
I had a sodie on the
counter. Who took it?
- D.J.: Not me.
- Soda phantom.
You mean this?
What are you doing?
- I was drinking that.
- I'm sorry. Here.
I ain't gonna drink it if
you slobbered all over it.
Careful, dad.
You'll get cooties.
Hey, I don't have cooties.
Oh, yeah? What's this?
( SHRIEKING )
Cut it out! Dan!
It's getting bigger!
It's getting bigger!
Cut it out.
Get back in the kitchen and spice
up that bland Chili of yours.
Hey, you can insult my wife and
you can insult my children
but don't badmouth my Chili.
( SHRIEKING )
Can you hand me the glue?
You guys are doing really good.
I know, I'm in
charge of the glue.
- You know what you need though?
- DARLENE: Huh?
Look in the picture.
You need a drawbridge.
Yeah, that's cool.
Go out in the garage and get
me a piece of wood that big.
Don't move your fingers. It's
gotta be exactly that size.
Greetings, alien.
Not now, mom.
Hey, Jackie, the washing
machine's free.
Okay, thanks.
Boy, you're really putting
in some time on this.
- Yeah, I know.
- It must be important.
No, not really.
It's just for fun.
Well, let me tell you
a story just for fun.
No, not a story!
Once upon a time,
there was a…
Once upon a time, there
was this little girl
who ran away from home 'cause her
mother told her long, boring stories.
Shut up, you.
Once upon a time, there
was a beautiful queen
and she lived in a
beautiful palace.
And she had a beautiful and
lovely little daughter.
- Her name was...
- let me guess, mom.
Darlene.
No, smartmouth, it was Darlena.
Anyway, the beautiful
queen was puzzled,
and she asked Darlena "why art
thou building this thing?"
And Darlena replied,
"don't try and figure it
out. Just live with it."
What is this all about, Darlene?
What?
Level with me.
Mom…
I'm flunking history.
Uh-huh…
Well, crane said if I did
this castle for extra credit
and did okay on the next test,
I might pass.
Uh-huh.
So that's why I gotta
get this in by Monday.
Oh. Then I'm gonna let
you get back to work.
- Wait, aren't you gonna yell at me?
- No.
Aren't you gonna tell
me how bright I am,
but I never apply myself and
always wait till the last minute?
You don't need to hear
that again, do you?
Yeah, I went out
with him on Friday.
I hadn't told you that. Right.
So, I was gonna go out
with him again on Saturday
and then I found out
he went to Chicago.
I found out from billy.
Right. I have no way to
get in touch with him.
I call his apartment and leave
a message on the machine.
I had nothing to say, I'm
like "hi, how are you?"
Jackie, you going to stay
on that phone all day?
Hold on, just a second.
I'm gonna be off
in just a second.
So I leave the message,
you know, and then,
how am I supposed to
get in touch with him?
Would you please hurry up? I'm
expecting a very important phone call.
You know what your
problem is, dan?
You don't have call waiting.
You know what your
problem is, Jackie?
You don't pay my phone bill.
I'll call you later.
Okay. Phone's all yours.
Thank you for allowing
me to use my telephone.
You're welcome.
( MUTTERING )
- I don't want to complain…
- But you're gonna.
When you were growing up,
how did you live with her?
We just locked her
up in the closet,
and stuffed some dog
food under the door.
She is a major-league
pain in the butt.
Yeah, but you know
you're really spoiled
because you live with me,
you're used to perfection.
( PHONE RINGING )
Here it is. Come on, Dwight.
Hello? Hey, Dwight,
what's the word?
Yeah.
Thanks anyway. Yeah,
maybe next week.
Right, bye bye.
Damn.
You are going to get the
very next job that comes.
I hope so. I'm going nuts,
sitting around here
for two weeks.
Yeah, but I kind of
like having you around.
I kind of like being around,
but I feel terrible
when I ain't working.
Well, you want work? 'Cause
over at the blue flamingo
they're hiring topless dancers.
Nah, I couldn't do
that, my bad knee.
Well, I'd put a dollar
in your g-string.
Go get your purse.
Mom, dad, come on.
You gotta try this.
There's a test in the back
of this "teenage life."
And you guys are gonna be
our lovebird guinea pigs.
I don't feel like
playing no game.
- Come on, dad. Please?
- Do I gotta do anything weird?
You wish.
Just do it, all right?
- Come on, come on…
- All right.
- Sit. You sit, you sit.
- ( DAN GRUMBLING )
- Now…
- Lay this game on us.
"EXERCISE ONE:
Tantalizing with touch."
Ooh, I think I'm
going to like this.
"The object of this exercise"
is to transmit a
deeply felt emotion
"with your hands."
- Jackie, this is corny.
- Roseanne.
Oh, all right.
Okay, I can do it.
Come on, you guys.
This really could help
your relationship.
- Be serious.
- Okay, I'm serious.
- Are you serious?
- I'm serious.
Okay, we're serious.
All right, face… Let's see.
Face your boyfriend
and touch hands.
Yeah, but my
boyfriend's not here.
Will my husband do?
He'll have to do.
"Try to communicate an emotion
without speaking."
Okay, he'll be wrong.
I just know it.
Okay, dad. What's
mom thinking?
She's thinking I'll be wrong.
This is great.
Dan, we never have to
talk to each other again.
- BOTH: Yay!
- BECKY: Come on, you two!
Come on, try it again.
Okay. Okay. Okay,
I got it, okay.
I'm transmitting a very
important message.
Tune in, loverboy.
Oh, I'm picking something up.
All right, dan. What's
she trying to tell you?
She's telling me something I've
wanted to hear for a real long time.
My sister-in-law's
moving to north Dakota.
Dad!
Sorry, Jackie, that was a joke.
South Dakota.
Sometimes there's a lot
of truth in kidding.
Hell, don't psycho-analyse
everything I say.
Believe me, it's not worth it.
No, dan, I want to know.
Do I irritate you?
I don't want to get into this.
- No, really.
- Where do I begin?
You don't.
- At the beginning.
- Okay.
One thing, you pick
all of the nuts
out of the rocky road ice cream.
Well, put me in front
of a firing squad.
I'm gonna put you both in
front of a firing squad.
You could knock when
you walk in the door.
You want me to knock when
I come over? I can knock.
I'd love for you to knock when
you walk in the door. Please.
- Fine, fine.
- ( BANGING )
( SHOUTING ) Chili's ready.
Dan, spit it out. What's
really bothering you?
What's bothering me is that
you're over here all the time.
If you had a job you wouldn't
even notice so much.
( DOOR SLAMS )
Gosh, you simply must come
over more often, sis!
Well, dan really went
off the deep end.
Oh, you think so?
He just lost a job. That was the
phone call he was waiting for.
- Oh.
- I don't know how you do it.
You always manage to say the
most perfectly wrongest thing,
at the most perfectly
wrongest time.
Just like mom.
Well, okay, take his side.
Oh… There you
go, that's two.
That's the most perfectly
wrongest thing
you could have said to me.
Why don't you think
before you talk?
You expect me to
apologize to him?
No, I don't expect
you to do nothing.
- That's what you want.
- I'm not gonna tell you what to do.
Why not? You're gonna tell
me what to do anyway,
- just like mom.
- That's three!
He has been on my case ever
since I came in the door.
I'm not apologizing to him
until he apologizes to me.
- Mom?
- What?
Are dad and aunt Jackie
really mad at each other?
No…
They just fight for the same
reason you fight with Darlene.
To torture me.
DARLENE: D.J., look
what you did. Mom!
Look what you did.
You ruined it!
I didn't mean to!
You're so stupid!
What happened?
D.J. Fell on my castle
and crushed it.
- We can fix it.
- No, we can't.
I'm gonna flunk history and
it's all D.J.'s fault.
- Oh, it's D.J.'s fault.
- Yes, look what he did.
Oh, yeah, it's
definitely his fault
that you didn't
study all semester.
But mom, he was just here...
and it's his fault that you put
this off to the last minute.
- You always take his side.
- I'm not taking his side.
Yes, you are. You're
strict with me and Becky,
but you let D.J. Get
away with murder.
Darlene, who are
you really mad at?
D.j.
Yeah, well that makes
a lot of sense.
If I'd screwed around all semester
and was flunking history,
I'd be looking for somebody
else to blame it on too.
That's not what I'm doing.
That's exactly what
you're doing, Darlene.
It's not fair!
( CALLING ) D.J.
- Come on down here, honey.
- D.J.: Is Darlene there?
No, she's gone. It's
safe. Come on down.
Looks like you really
re-decorated Darlene's castle.
I didn't mean to.
I know, it was an accident.
Darlene hates me.
She doesn't hate you,
honey, she hates history.
She said I was stupid.
You're not stupid, you're
just clumsy like your daddy.
Yeah, right.
Do you want to go in the kitchen
and be my official Chili taster?
No.
You're just gonna sit here on the
steps for the rest of your life?
- Yep.
- And let people walk on you
and pile books on you and junk?
Yep.
Well, that ain't much of a life.
But I'll help you get started.
Come here.
I'll give you a hat.
( GIGGLING )
Mom, should I put this
other load in the dryer?
ROSEANNE: No, I'll
do it in a minute.
Giddyup, giddyup, giddyup…
Okay, horsy. Get up here.
Whoo! Ahh!
Mom, I finished
folding the laundry.
Thank you, honey. You're one
of my three favourite kids.
What about me?
No.
Are you ready for
some delicious Chili?
Yep.
Okay, you ready for
the greatest Chili
- in the entire world?
- Yep.
All right, here you go.
( CRUNCHING )
Just a little bit bland.
Man, this garage is a mess.
I gotta get organized.
Dad, can I use this?
No, I need that,
me, myself and I,
Manny M. Man.
- What are you doing?
- Cutting some more wood.
So you're going to
fix that castle?
Yeah, but it's still
D.J.'s fault.
Gosh, Darlene's so
doggone stubborn.
I wonder where she gets it from.
Not from me.
No, it couldn't be from you.
Roseanne, I know
what you're doing.
There's no way I'm
gonna go in there
and apologize to your sister.
I just thought I'd let you know
that I'm gonna go
check into a motel.
Anybody we know?
I think it'd be better if
I stayed somewhere else.
How about the Philippines?
- You know what your problem is, dan?
- Yeah, you.
See I come in here and
try to make things easy,
and he's acting like a big baby.
Would you tell your sister
it takes one to know one.
I don't know how you get
along with this guy.
Tell your sister
to hit the bricks.
I know this game. I
really know this game.
It's called "let's
tear Roseanne apart."
You take this arm, and
you take this arm,
and then you just both pull
until I splatter into a puddle.
( SIGHS )
She's over here all the time
because she's my sister.
He don't mean nothing, he's
just blowing off steam.
You two are worse than all three
of the kids put together.
You're driving me nuts.
You've got to get it together.
( DOOR SLAMS )
Well…
You don't have to stay in
no motel. That's silly.
You can sleep out here.
She's really something.
She does get carried
away sometimes.
She loves to tell everybody
exactly how to lead their lives.
That's 'cause she thinks
she knows everything.
ROSEANNE: Well, I do!
( LAUGHS )
( INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC ON TV )
Dan…
Isn't that movie over yet?
No.
I want to go to sleep.
Please. This is the
best part of the movie.
Come on, you're on my bed.
Jackie, your bed is my sofa.
Here you go, sis.
- Dan won't get off the couch.
- Honey, get off the couch.
Shhh!
Getting ready for the showdown.
( GARBLED NOISES )