Roseanne (1988–2018): Season 1, Episode 3 - D-I-V-O-R-C-E - full transcript

( HARMONICA WAILS )

( THEME MUSIC PLAYING )

( LAUGHING )

ROSEANNE:
Hold still, D.J.

It itches.

I just gotta finish cutting off
this one ear here.

Mom!

Okay, go take your flea bath.

Let me wipe you off.
Ooh-hoo-hoo.

- Hey, you look good, scissor head.
- Thanks.

Ha! Roseanne,
listen to this.



"Utah housewife
stabs husband 37 times."

I admire her restraint.

So what time
you want me back here?

Our reservation's for 7:30.

You gonna get dan into a tie
and out to a fancy restaurant?

Tonight is the night.

A romantic evening
of dining and dancing.

You're gonna get him to dance?

If I have to bust both his legs.

Hey, babe…
I'm home.

Hello, my adoring spouse.

Hi, dan.
You want a beer?

- Oh, yeah.
- Me too.

Why don't you grab a couple
out of the fridge there?



( LAUGHS )

( TONGUE CLICKS )

- What's for dinner?
- Oh, you've gotta be joking.

'Cause if you're serious,
you're dead.

What are you talking about?

Does a candlelight dinner
for two ring any bells there?

Oh, no, date night!

Very good,
Mr. Psychic.

- Are you sure it's tonight?
- Yes, dan, it's tonight.

We can't put it off
till the weekend?

No, dan, it's tonight.

But, honey, it's Tuesday.

Oh, that's right, dan, I forgot,

restaurants don't serve married
couples on Tuesday nights.

And I suppose we got a sitter.

You betcha. I just gotta run by the
mall and take back this blouse.

You can't take that back.
You already wore it once.

I only needed it once.
It's clean.

So you want me back here
at 7:00, right?

- That's 7:00 tonight.
- Yes, I know.

Aw, babe, I'm really worn out.

Can I possibly get a rain check?

- Oh, you're tired, honey?
- Yeah, I'm beat.

Well, I'll tell you what,

why don't you go up in the
bedroom and slip off your shoes,

and then go sink into
a nice, hot tub…

Oh, thanks, babe.

…then slap on a tie,
'cause we're going out.

A tie? Since when is there a dress
code at jimmy's laughing steer?

Well, we're not going to
jimmy's laughing steer.

We're going to the Lanford inn.

Whoa, whoa, that's a little steep, honey.
We can't afford that.

( CLEARS THROAT )
Well…

( CLEARS THROAT ) …It's two for one
Tuesday at the Lanford inn... coupon.

Guess this means I gotta shave.

Only your legs, hot stuff.

Mom, you're doing that
all wrong.

I know, honey, but that's the
way your daddy likes it.

No. See, first you apply it
to the apple of your cheek.

Then you blend it
down your cheekbone.

Well, that's how the famous
models do it in Europe.

Roseanne, where's Jackie?

I give up, dan.
Where is Jackie?

Listen, I didn't put on no tie
to eat meatloaf, see?

I can baby-sit.

Well, you won't have to.
She'll show up.

- Well, what if she doesn't?
- She will.

Honey, get away from here and give
me all that stuff, would you? Move.

- Mom, I'm 13.
- You're too young.

Cindy Clark's mother let her
baby-sit when she was nine.

Well, Cindy Clark's mom
is a drunken slut.

Dad, tell her I can do it.

Honey, your mom's right.
You're too young.

Darn, I hope
aunt Jackie gets here!

If-if she doesn't come,
we'll have to stay home.

You know, if aunt Jackie
doesn't show up,

- you can go right ahead and baby-sit.
- Thanks, mom.

Don't put my shoes on, honey.
Please move. Move, honey, move.

Ooh, sexy!

What is that?
'55 t-bird?

'39 Packard.

Ooh, I got myself
one heck of a hot date here.

Yeah?
Is he bigger than me?

Well, you do look pretty
cute, except for one thing.

- Ugh!
- Roseanne, you broke my tie!

( LAUGHS )
Wear the real one.

Aw, nah.

You know, if memory
serves me correctly,

I believe they have a dance
floor there at the Lanford inn.

Huh-uh. No way, babe.
You know I don't dance.

Why? You used to dance
all the time.

Yeah, well, that's when
I knew all the steps.

Well, dan, why is it when a woman gets
married and puts a ring on a guy's finger,

his feet stop moving?

It cuts off the circulation.

Just one slow dance?

Rosie, you know
I'd like to go dancing

with my special girl
every night of the week.

Special girl?
Who is she?

Oh, I know, it's that bimbo
at the supermarket

with the fluorescent
fingernails.

Roseanne, I promise, you're
the only bimbo in my life.

Aunt Jackie's not here.
You ready to leave?

Okay, Becky,
you get to baby-sit.

All right, I'm in charge!

- Yeah, all right!
- Settle down, settle down.

- What are the rules?
- Don't open the door for anybody.

Right. And what if
somebody calls?

Don't tell them you're not home.

- Right. What do you say?
- You can't come to the phone right now.

- Right. D.J.?
- 9-1-1.

Good boy.
What else?

No stove, no matches,
no flames, no fire.

- Come on, babe, let's get a move on.
- Okay.

Mom, if Becky has a heart
attack, I'm in charge, right?

Right.
Bye.

Mom, if Darlene has a heart
attack, I'm in charge.

Right, D.J., if both your sisters
are dead, you're in charge.

Yay.

Dad, Cindy Clark's mom
pays her $2 an hour to baby-sit.

Well, Cindy Clarke's mom
is a rich drunken slut.

- Bye-bye.
- Good night.

- Good night.
- Good night.

Stay out of our dresser drawers!

( DOOR CLOSES )

( SOFT PIANO PLAYING )

Hi. Dinner reservation
for conner.

Sure. This way.

Watch your step, grandma.

- This is Charles. He'll be your waiter.
- Hi, Charles.

I'm Roseanne and this is dan,
and we'll be your customers.

Oh, I get it.

- Oh, hold on. Allow me.
- Roseanne, what are you doing?

I'm being romantic.
Park it.

So, Charles, are you a student?

Um, no, I'm a waiter.

That would've been
my second guess.

Would you like
something to drink?

Yeah, I want something
with an umbrella in it.

Something tropical. Sir?

Uh, may I see
your wine list, please?

Ooh, tres gallant.

And I'll have a beer
while we're waiting.

Yes, sir, I'll get those
and be right back.

- Pretty nice place.
- Yeah.

It's nice going to a restaurant
that don't have a drive-through.

This ain't so bad.

- Yeah.
- Glad I shaved.

- Dan?
- Yes?

Would you do something for me?

Honey, I'd do anything for you.

- Dance with me.
- Except that.

I knew it, you liar.

- Hey…
- What?

Don't look now,
but isn't that Patsy?

Oh, I told you not to look.

Well, how can I tell if
it's Patsy if I don't look?

Well, look, but don't look look.

( SIGHS )

ROSEANNE:
That's her, isn't it?

- Yeah, but that ain't Bob.
- No kidding.

- Who do you suppose it is?
- Oh, come on,

it's so obvious
that's her lover.

- Can you believe she brought him here?
- They probably got a coupon.

( LAUGHS )

When I have an affair, I always
go to the no-tell motel.

- Me too.
- I've never seen you there.

- Oh, I'm there all the time.
- Me too.

- Maybe we should carpool.
- Here she comes.

- Oh, dan, look, it's Patsy!
- Roseanne, dan, hi!

- DAN: Patsy!
- Hi, Patsy.

Well, I haven't seen you since
the Paris' barbecue last summer.

That's right.
Where's Bob?

Oh, I guess you don't know.
Bob and I got divorced.

- Oh, sorry to hear that.
- Well, you know, these things happen.

- Are you okay, Patsy?
- PATSY: Oh, yeah.

I mean, I wish things
could've been different,

but Bob just couldn't handle
my going to college.

Get out of here.
You ain't going to college.

Sure, that was always the plan. Once the
kids were gone, I was going to school.

But the time came and Bob said I
couldn't go, and I said, "bye."

- Well, it's his loss.
- PATSY: Oh, thanks.

Oh, listen. I'd better get back to my date.
It's been great seeing you.

- Take care.
- Yeah, take it easy, kid.

Bye.

Boy, that's a shame
about Bob and Patsy.

Yeah, it really is.

She seems to be handling it
pretty good, though.

Dan, she is a shattered woman.

And why? I bet you Bob
refused to dance with her.

Humph.

( SOFT PIANO PLAYING )

I just can't figure it out. They
were always hugging and kissing.

Yeah, you mean like
at that barbecue,

where she was sitting
in that lawn chair

and running her fingers through
what was left of his hair?

Yeah, like that.

Yeah, well, get real.
They were doomed.

What are you talking about?

Well, you know, all that lovey-dovey
crap was a dead giveaway.

It's fighting that keeps
a marriage together.

Boy, if that's true, you and
me will be together forever.

Don't count on it, lover boy.

I got plenty of reasons
to dump you.

- Name one.
- You're a compulsive list maker.

- Name two.
- Shut up.

Boy, if anybody's got grounds
for divorce, it's me.

Oh, yeah?
Like what?

Like you using my razor
to shave your legs.

Well, let me pack up my bags
and leave in shame.

Go ahead and laugh. That'll hold
up in any court in the country.

Not after I tell that jury

that you hang your dirty
underwear up on the doorknob.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

Wait till I tell them that
you've never once accompanied me

to the annual Lanford subcontractor's
beer bash and softball game.

You wouldn't.

So, you're gonna
divorce me, huh?

( LAUGHS )
Not on your luckiest day,

which you couldn't make it
through without me anyways.

Close your eyes
and count to three.

( LAUGHS )
Well, you know what?

If you ever even
thought about it,

I'd have you
hung up by your toes

and tortured with bizarre
liquid household products.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

- Well, I'd...
- you'd what?

- I'd...
- you'd what?

I'd leave you the kids.

You wouldn't.

All three of 'em.

- I wouldn't take 'em.
- Neither would I.

I'd give 'em to Jackie.

Hell, even I don't
hate her that much.

- What are you doing?
- Making popcorn.

Mom said we're not allowed
to use the stove, remember?

I'm not gonna use the stove.

Well, what are you gonna do?
Eat it out of the pan?

No, I'm gonna take it outside and wait
for a bolt of lightning to hit it.

Here.

- Thanks, Deej.
- What's that for?

We're gonna make popcorn.

With a heating pad?

- Darlene said it would work.
- Oh, yeah?

Hey, mom didn't say anything
against heating pads.

- Yeah.
- Go right ahead, but it won't work.

You sit right here and hold this
here till it starts popping.

I know that.

( PHONE RINGS )

Don't say
mom and dad aren't here.

I know that.

Hello?

Um, they can't come
to the phone right now.

Um, they're in the shower.
Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, both of 'em.

Oh, about two more hours.

Yeah, okay.
Thanks.

Bye.

Who was that?

I don't know.

( DOORBELL RINGS )

Hold it! I'll get the door.
Darlene, unplug that thing.

Ask who it is.

I know that, D.J.

- Who is it?
- WOMAN: It's me.

- Me who?
- Aunt Jackie. Open the door.

- But how do we know it's really you?
- Yeah.

If you don't open the door, you're
gonna find out it's really me.

We're not supposed
to open the door for anybody.

- Becky, I mean it.
- You're late.

Yeah, you were supposed to be here at 7:00.
Where have you been?

I had to go to the store
and return a blouse.

- Oh, all right.
- Yeah, it's her.

Just open the door!

Can't.

I know how to get
into this house.

- No, you don't.
- Okay, fine.

I got better things to do than baby-sit the
three little pigs. You're on your own.

Aunt Jackie?

- Back door.
- ALL: Yeah.

- Do you see her?
- Shh. I think I hear her.

- Where?
- Shh.

- Ahh!
- ( ALL SCREAM )

( LAUGHS )

I called.
Everything's fine.

Dopey finally showed up.

Great.
Now, where's chuck?

Ah, relax. He'll be
back in a minute.

I want some more coffee.
I'm gonna go get it.

- Roseanne, sit down.
- Oh, it's okay.

I'll be right back.

( DAN LAUGHS )

Coffee?

Hey, there, good-looking.
What about a warm-up, huh?

- Hit me, trixie.
- Ooh.

I'm a little behind.

Oh, that's okay, chuck.
Hey, she wants the decaf.

Thanks.

- You know, Rosie, I've been thinking.
- Don't do that.

No, I've been thinking about
all the couples we know.

Almost all of 'em are divorced.

Well, maybe we
should try it too.

- Maybe we should.
- Okay.

There, we're divorced, master.

- Thanks, Jeannie.
- ( ROSEANNE LAUGHS )

Ah. Well,
what are you gonna do?

The first thing I'm gonna do is,
I'm gonna go dancing.

( LAUGHS )
Yeah, then what?

Well, I guess with all that big-time
child support I'm getting from you,

I'm gonna enrol the kids in one of
them fancy Swiss boarding schools

and then with all that alimony,

I guess I'll quit my job
and just lay around

and watch the soap operas
on my brand-new big screen TV.

What you gonna do?

Oh, hell,
I guess the kids are gone.

I'll come over to your place
and watch football.

Yeah, over my
pit bull's dead body.

I just wanted to say good night
and give you my new number.

Oh, great. I'll call you. Great.

- And I also wanted to say thanks.
- ROSEANNE: What for?

Well, you probably
don't know it,

but you're the one who
inspired me to go to college.

- She did?
- Oh, yeah.

Patsy, are you trying
to pin your divorce on me?

No, I pin that on Bob.

Anyway, do you remember
the barbecue?

You told me how you
were gonna be a writer,

and you had all these dreams and
plans, and nothing was gonna stop you.

- Yeah, I do remember that.
- Well, it got me to thinking.

If nothing's gonna stop Roseanne,
then nothing's gonna stop me.

I just wanted to tell you that.

Well, I'm glad I could help.

Well, Phil's waiting.
I gotta go.

- It was great seeing you.
- Great seeing you too, Patsy.

- Take care, Patsy.
- Bye.

Well, you and Patsy must have
had some talk at that barbecue.

Yeah, you men missed it.

You were all off talking about the proper
way of stacking charcoal briquettes.

Rosie, you never told me
you still thought about writing.

Yeah, I think about that, and I
think about travelling, you know.

There's lots of stuff
I still wanna do.

Oh.

- Does that bother you?
- No.

Well, I mean, you've got a lot of
stuff you wanna still do too, right?

- Sure.
- Well.

Well, I mean, you know,

what if what you wanna do
isn't what... what I wanna do?

Well, we will
work it out somehow.

Well, what if we can't? I mean, you
wouldn't pull no Patsy on me, would you?

- You mean, walk out?
- Yeah.

Dan, I'm here 'cause
I wanna be here.

I'm not going no place.

I love you.

Yeah, what about down the line?

Well, we don't know
what's gonna happen,

but whatever would happen,
we will work it out together.

Yeah, I guess so.

Oh, face it,

this marriage is like a life
sentence with no hope for parole.

Wanna dance?

I thought you'd never ask.

( SOFT PIANO PLAYING )

Ahh.

( SOFT MUSIC PLAYING ON TV )

( DOOR OPENS )

( DAN CHUCKLES )

Oh, look at that.

Aren't they cute?

I wonder if we could get hold
of an all-night taxidermist.

( WHISPERING ) Don't turn it off.
You'll wake 'em up.

Should we take
the kids upstairs?

You wanna carry 'em up there?

- No. Do you?
- No.

( SIGHS )
Let's go to bed.

( INDISTINCT CHATTER ON TV )

( BOTH WHISPER THROUGHOUT )

I really had fun.

Me too. Sure hope I
can see you again.

( LAUGHS )
Well, you can't,

'cause I'm happily married and
madly in love with my husband.

Is he bigger than me?
Must be a lucky guy.

Yeah, he better not
ever forget it, either.

( DOOR CLOSES )