Roseanne (1988–2018): Season 1, Episode 5 - Radio Days - full transcript
Roseanne wants Dan into entering a country music song-writing contest sponsored by the local radio station. Dan is reluctant to do so until he finds out that the grand prize is a hundred dollars. Unable to come up with a new idea, and not pleased with anything he wrote in the past, Dan chooses one of Roseanne's old poems to put to music. Sexual tension between Jackie and Booker heat up in the workplace. Becky and Darlene are at each other's throats.
( HARMONICA WAILS )
( THEME MUSIC PLAYING )
( LAUGHING )
I just wanna see that lumber first
thing tomorrow morning, period.
Period.
Vroom, vroom!
D.J., please don't drive
your truck on my blueprints.
( CHUCKLING )
Vroom, vroom!
Vroom-vroom-vroom-vroom-vroom.
I can't believe they shortened
me 25 pieces of lumber.
May they rot in hell.
I got the receipt.
I got something
that'll cheer you up.
Oh, yeah, you got
25 two-by-fours?
Yeah, and you know
what else I got?
This official entry blank
for that radio station's
country-western songwriting contest.
- So?
- So.
I ain't entering no contest.
Come on, you should do
it. It'd be a hoot.
You're the writer in
the family. You do it.
Well, I don't got
no musical talent.
You're the one with the trunkful
of songs out in the garage.
Honey, I wrote that
stuff years ago.
You ought to dig one out
and just send it in.
Huh-uh. No way.
Come on, you're
really good at it.
No, no contest for this cowboy.
Oh, Dan…
What... what could you win?
What difference does it make?
You're not gonna enter it anyway.
I'm just curious.
The first prize is
a hundred bucks,
plus you get to hear your
song played over the radio.
Ah, I ain't got no talent.
Come on, you know
you wanna do it.
It would be kind of nice
hearing one of my songs
played on the radio.
Dan, you can no longer
deprive the world
of your special talent.
Maybe you're right.
Of course I'm right.
You need to cut it
loose and set it free.
Do it for humanity.
Do it for the children.
Do it for the stinkin'
hundred bucks.
Bingo.
- What are you doing?
- Getting something to eat.
Your break isn't
for two minutes.
Well, then, I'll go back
to work two minutes early.
Sit down, Harris.
Sit down.
You know, you have
an attitude problem.
- I do?
- Oh, yeah.
And I was thinking
that we should, uh, work on it
someplace outside of the workplace.
Where would you suggest,
the back seat of your car?
No. No.
I was thinking more along
the lines of my apartment.
There is no way
that I'm gonna end up a
notch on your bedpost.
- ( WHISTLE BLOWS )
- I'm not coming on to you.
You think I'm coming on to you?
- It crossed my mind.
- No.
No, no. See, I'm...
I'm just trying to improve
employee-management relations.
- Nice save, booker.
- Thank you.
What's that?
Looks like a phone number.
Let's work on that attitude.
Roseanne, what kind of
song is Dan gonna enter?
He hadn't even decided yet.
- I bet it'll be romantic.
- Can't go wrong with a love song.
Ah, love songs are hokey.
I like something I can dance to.
Get down, Sylvia.
- It's a country-western station, right?
- ROSEANNE: Yeah.
Then the song doesn't matter.
All that counts is the title.
Sis, I guess you're an
expert on that, too, huh?
That happens to be true.
Look at the classic "take
this job and shove it."
- ALL: Yeah.
- JACKIE: It's just the title.
You know what Dan should really
try to write? A road song.
Gosh, you're right.
I love road songs.
When that whiskey-voice guy starts
singing about highways and byways.
What exactly is the difference
between a highway and a byway?
A highway is the
main road, right?
And the byway is the road
that runs right along by it.
No. No, that's an access road.
A byway is a road that
goes around something.
No, that's a bypass.
There is no difference between
a highway and a byway. Okay?
I'm so glad you
figured that out.
Maybe we can all get
some sleep tonight.
I'll tell you what people can't
get enough of... hardship songs.
You're right.
There's nothing like a hardship
song that set my toes to tappin'.
Well, that's what all the
best songs are about.
Pain, misery. You
know, real life.
My life.
My parents kicked me out of
the house when I was 16.
Moved in with crazy aunt in
a and a houseful of cats.
Married at 17, widowed at 18.
Tornado carried away my car.
Hospitalized for pneumonia.
Everybody sing.
Mom.
The one and only.
Where's dad?
He's out in the garage, honey,
struggling with the muses.
I need him to fix my truck.
- What happened to it?
- The wheel fell off.
Give it to me.
You don't know how
to fix trucks.
I know how to do
anything. I'm a mom.
Dads are supposed to fix trucks.
Give me that. Go
sit down here.
- BECKY: Don't touch that.
- DARLENE: I didn't touch it.
Mom, you hear that?
Yeah, Becky and Darlene
are at it again.
They're giving me a headache.
Me, too.
I've had it.
Me, too.
They say they're gonna be
quiet, but they never are.
Yeah, never.
Never.
- You know what else?
- What?
They're always in the bathroom.
They're horrible, rotten girls.
What are we gonna do with them?
Kill 'em.
Nah, then I'd just have
to clean up the mess.
I guess we're gonna have to live
with them until they move out.
Yeah.
Well, here you go.
One fixed truck.
Thanks.
Vroom!
BECKY: Just shut up, Darlene.
DARLENE: It's half my room,
too, little miss perfect.
Well, you can have both
halves for all I care.
What is your problem?
You're my problem,
you little slob.
- You used to be almost normal.
- Yeah, until you were born.
Knock it off.
I wish mom and dad had
left you at that hospital.
Shut up, Becky.
Mom!
She's not here!
Mother, I can't spend another
minute in the same room with her.
And whom, pray tell,
are we talking about?
Mother, please, you know
who I'm talking about.
The pig.
Here's your filthy,
disgusting pillow.
All you two have been doing
this whole week is fighting,
and I really want
it to stop now.
Then talk to Darlene.
She leaves all her grungy stuff
all over my side of the room.
What? I can't leave anything anywhere
without her going into convulsions.
There's only one way
to solve this problem.
Give me that pillow.
And give me that blanket, too.
Now, turn around and
face each other here.
Now, I want you two to
fight to the death.
Mother.
Go on, start ripping
each other apart,
limb from limb.
And whoever's left standing
gets to keep the room.
You know what she's
trying to do.
Well, I do have another plan.
I hate it when she does this.
- Go get the masking tape...
- "put a line down the Center of the room."
"And stay on your side."
Mom, that never works.
Well, you make it work, girls.
- Fine, I'll get the tape.
- No, I'll get the tape.
- I'm getting the tape.
- I'll get the tape.
I'm getting my tubes tied.
Look what I brought you.
Oh, thanks, baby. Just
put it down here.
This drill hasn't worked
since I bought it.
I thought you was
out here composing.
I tried a few things,
but, uh… I don't know,
I guess I just wasn't inspired.
Well, I'm here now.
And yet somehow I'm
still not inspired.
Well, if you're not
gonna write no songs,
why don't you dig out
some of these to send in.
I already looked. There's
nothing in there worth sending.
Don't give me that.
There's bound to be an
undiscovered masterpiece in here.
Trust me, they all suck mud.
Face it, I'm a small-time contractor.
I ain't no big-time composer.
Well, this is no
big-time contest.
- What is this?
- What?
♪ ooh, baby, baby, give
it to me, give it to me ♪
♪ hey, baby, baby, give it
to me, give it to me. ♪
give it to me.
It was, uh... it
was a dance hit.
In the seventies, I guess.
Yeah, the lyrics
weren't important.
I was really moved by it. I was
getting ready to give it to you.
Oh! You wanna hear
something really bad?
- Is it worse than that one?
- Much worse. Almost criminal.
♪ ooh, baby, baby,
give it to me. ♪
I wrote this when I was 19.
Let me see.
Blueberry fantasy,
tangerine dream…
♪ love is a rainbow ♪
♪ of incense and cream ♪
oh, now I know why you can't
remember your teen years.
That marked the end of
my psychedelic period.
No, that's the one. You
ought to send that in.
Let's just forget about the
contest and clean up this mess.
All right, you're the boss.
I'm sorry, for a minute there, I thought
I heard you say I was the boss.
What's that?
That's nothing. It's just
something I was working on.
Hey, let me hear it.
It doesn't really
have a tune yet.
- I wanna hear it anyway.
- Well, I'm kind of rusty.
Let's see.
♪ there's a river ♪
♪ there's a river ♪
♪ high in the mountains ♪
♪ that's been flowin'
since who knows when ♪
- I like it.
- You don't recognize it, do you?
- Huh-uh.
- No?
♪ no one's sure just
how it started ♪
♪ but it's never gonna end. ♪
it's one of your poems.
Gosh, that is. I can't
believe you saved it.
Yeah, I saved everything
you've ever written.
Except for a few notes on
the refrigerator door.
That's so sweet.
- You like it?
- Yeah.
Well, it's half yours. Maybe if I
goose it up a little bit here.
♪ there's a river high
in the mountains ♪
♪ that's been flowin'
since who knows when ♪
♪ no one's sure just
how it started ♪
♪ but it's never gonna end ♪
♪ our love is like that river ♪
♪ flowin' through all time ♪
♪ heaven knows I need you ♪
♪ and I'll never
change my mind ♪
♪ heaven knows how I love you ♪
♪ and I'll never ♪
♪ change my mind. ♪
- that was beautiful.
- Yeah?
- You like it?
- It's beautiful.
You think it's good
enough to enter?
I think it's good enough to win.
- Really?
- I really, really do.
Then when we go out on tour,
the kids ain't coming
with us, right?
Right.
Hey, Roseanne,
I hear you and Dan are gonna be big
country and western superstars.
Go away, Pete.
You really think you're gonna
win that contest tonight, huh?
Yes, we're gonna
win that contest.
Then we're gonna snag a great
big ol' recording contract.
Then we're gonna pack up the
kids and move to Nashville.
Yee-haw!
Then me and Dan are gonna buy
these big platinum blonde wigs,
and then I'm gonna change all
the kids' middle names to bob.
Becky bob, Darlene
bob, D.J. Bob.
Well, I'm gonna be listening
to my radio tonight,
so that song better be good.
Go away, Pete.
Crystal, hand me
that thing there.
- ( SCREAMING )
- What? What's wrong?
- Cockroach.
- Where?
- There. Kill it.
- You kill it.
- I ain't killing it.
- It's on your side.
Come on, Jackie, do something.
There.
Can we go back to work now?
- ROSEANNE: Booker.
- Yeah.
I just killed a big ol'
cockroach over here.
You better take him
off the payroll.
You're gonna do something
about these bugs?
Yeah, I'll talk to
the exterminator.
ALL: Whoo!
- Get back to work, all right?
- Okay.
All right, that's enough.
Harris, I wanna see
you in my office.
Now.
ALL: Ooh!
Sis, take the wrench.
Let's go. Come on.
What do you think you're doing?
- You call that fun, fun?
- Why are you getting so serious?
This is a very serious matter.
Stuff like that could lead
to the unemployment line.
You'd quit over that?
Not me, you.
What would I write down
as my reason for dismissal?
Uncontrollable lust.
Booker, you're right.
The dam is crumbling.
I can't fight it any longer.
- You're gonna have to try.
- I'm a spontaneous person.
- I just get these impulses.
- I like impulses.
Bring 'em to my apartment.
What am I gonna do about
these impulses right now?
You're gonna have to
control yourself.
- I am the boss.
- And I respect that.
I'm the top guy.
What happened out there
will never happen again.
I am glad that we have
that understanding.
Roseanne, booker gave
me his phone number.
( WOMEN SCREAMING )
Program's getting
ready to start.
- I popped you some corn.
- Oh, good.
I'm kind of nervous.
How about you?
Oh, my spurs are shakin' here.
I know this contest
ain't a big deal,
but it's kind of a big deal.
Ah, my love,
soon our music career
will skyrocket.
- I'm gonna have to dig up some more poems.
- What for?
'Cause we need something
for the flip side.
Oh, yeah.
Mom, tell her to get
out of my chair.
DARLENE: Mom, tell her
I was here first.
Mom, tell her she's lying.
D.J., tell your
sisters to shut up.
Shut up.
ROSEANNE: Thank you, honey.
( ANNOUNCERS ON RADIO
) Evenin', everybody.
- This is bill.
- And this is Dave.
- And this is…
- DAVE AND BILL: " The bill and Dave show."
Well, this is it.
Mom, tell her I had
this chair first.
- She did not.
- D.J.?
Shut up.
BILL: Before we
announce the winner
of wife's songwriting contest,
Dave and I wanna thank
all of you who entered.
Yeah, boy, the response
was overwhelming.
We never expected
anything quite like this.
We had a grand total
of four entries.
- Four?
- I like the odds.
- Yeah.
- You think that would make our job easy,
but with four entries
and only three prizes,
I can tell you it was tough.
Just tell us who won.
Dave, let's get to it and
announce those winners.
Yes!
The third-place winner,
winner of two tickets
to the Lanford
annual tractor pull
is Frampton Newhouse.
- All right!
- One down, two to go.
Did you win yet?
- Not yet.
- Shh.
The second-prize winner,
winner of an evening for
two at the Lanford inn is…
I'm so nervous I can't stand it.
- Doris fisher.
- ( ALL SCREAM )
And the grand-prize winner,
winner of all 100 of
those dollars is…
A songwriting team
right here in Lanford.
Frank hale and Toby cutler.
- Who?
- Congratulations, Frank and Tobe,
for their sure-to-be-a-classic
tune, "daisies in the wind."
- I guess that's it.
- I guess so.
- When are they gonna play your song?
- They're not.
They didn't like our song.
- You mean, you didn't win?
- DAN: Afraid not, buddy.
Oh, you guys should've won.
Yeah, your song was the best.
- Thanks.
- Those radio guys are creeps.
Yeah, let's go down and
soap their windows.
Yeah, and we can let the
air out of their tires.
And set off smoke bombs.
Oh, you do me proud.
How are you doing, partner?
Fourth place, partner.
Nothing. Zero. Zip.
We are pathetic.
Let us hang our heads in shame.
How do you explain to people
that your song
wasn't good enough
to win two tickets to the
annual Lanford tractor pull?
You don't. You
move out of state.
Montana's nice.
And I hear they have
very little radio there.
Mom, dad, we're really
sorry you lost.
Well, we didn't really lose.
The only people that really ever
lose are people who never try.
At least we tried.
And got crushed.
Oh, stop.
- We're never gonna hear your song.
- Why don't you sing it for us.
Dare you?
Well, shuckins, kids. Why not?
Gather 'round, young'uns.
Pa's gonna sing us
a little ditty.
♪ there's a river high
in the mountains ♪
♪ that's been flowin'
since who knows when ♪
♪ no one's sure just
how it started ♪
♪ but it's never gonna end ♪
♪ our love is like that river ♪
♪ flowin' through all time ♪
♪ heaven knows how I need you ♪
♪ but I'll never
change my mind ♪
♪ heaven knows how I love you ♪
♪ and I'll never ♪
♪ change ♪
♪ my mind. ♪
whoo!
Yay!
Mmm.
Hey, mom, here's one
of your early earrings.
Oh, wow. Peace, love,
and sisterhood.
Can't find the other one.
I know, I lost it
at a protest march.
You were in a protest march?
Your mother was at all
of the protest marches.
What were you protesting?
Oh, the usual... war, violence,
mass communications.
This is neat.
That's a mood ring
I bought your mom.
Yeah, back when I
was in a good mood.
Can I have it?
- Well…
- Can I have this earring?
Well, my daughters,
since you have not maimed,
killed, or abused each other
in the last 24 hours,
I will bestow these gifts on you
as a token of my gratitude.
- Thanks, mom.
- Yeah, thanks.
Dan, why do we keep
all of this junk?
Maybe we should throw it out.
You can't throw this stuff
out. This is our life.
Yeah.
I think we're in big trouble.
( THEME MUSIC PLAYING )
( LAUGHING )
I just wanna see that lumber first
thing tomorrow morning, period.
Period.
Vroom, vroom!
D.J., please don't drive
your truck on my blueprints.
( CHUCKLING )
Vroom, vroom!
Vroom-vroom-vroom-vroom-vroom.
I can't believe they shortened
me 25 pieces of lumber.
May they rot in hell.
I got the receipt.
I got something
that'll cheer you up.
Oh, yeah, you got
25 two-by-fours?
Yeah, and you know
what else I got?
This official entry blank
for that radio station's
country-western songwriting contest.
- So?
- So.
I ain't entering no contest.
Come on, you should do
it. It'd be a hoot.
You're the writer in
the family. You do it.
Well, I don't got
no musical talent.
You're the one with the trunkful
of songs out in the garage.
Honey, I wrote that
stuff years ago.
You ought to dig one out
and just send it in.
Huh-uh. No way.
Come on, you're
really good at it.
No, no contest for this cowboy.
Oh, Dan…
What... what could you win?
What difference does it make?
You're not gonna enter it anyway.
I'm just curious.
The first prize is
a hundred bucks,
plus you get to hear your
song played over the radio.
Ah, I ain't got no talent.
Come on, you know
you wanna do it.
It would be kind of nice
hearing one of my songs
played on the radio.
Dan, you can no longer
deprive the world
of your special talent.
Maybe you're right.
Of course I'm right.
You need to cut it
loose and set it free.
Do it for humanity.
Do it for the children.
Do it for the stinkin'
hundred bucks.
Bingo.
- What are you doing?
- Getting something to eat.
Your break isn't
for two minutes.
Well, then, I'll go back
to work two minutes early.
Sit down, Harris.
Sit down.
You know, you have
an attitude problem.
- I do?
- Oh, yeah.
And I was thinking
that we should, uh, work on it
someplace outside of the workplace.
Where would you suggest,
the back seat of your car?
No. No.
I was thinking more along
the lines of my apartment.
There is no way
that I'm gonna end up a
notch on your bedpost.
- ( WHISTLE BLOWS )
- I'm not coming on to you.
You think I'm coming on to you?
- It crossed my mind.
- No.
No, no. See, I'm...
I'm just trying to improve
employee-management relations.
- Nice save, booker.
- Thank you.
What's that?
Looks like a phone number.
Let's work on that attitude.
Roseanne, what kind of
song is Dan gonna enter?
He hadn't even decided yet.
- I bet it'll be romantic.
- Can't go wrong with a love song.
Ah, love songs are hokey.
I like something I can dance to.
Get down, Sylvia.
- It's a country-western station, right?
- ROSEANNE: Yeah.
Then the song doesn't matter.
All that counts is the title.
Sis, I guess you're an
expert on that, too, huh?
That happens to be true.
Look at the classic "take
this job and shove it."
- ALL: Yeah.
- JACKIE: It's just the title.
You know what Dan should really
try to write? A road song.
Gosh, you're right.
I love road songs.
When that whiskey-voice guy starts
singing about highways and byways.
What exactly is the difference
between a highway and a byway?
A highway is the
main road, right?
And the byway is the road
that runs right along by it.
No. No, that's an access road.
A byway is a road that
goes around something.
No, that's a bypass.
There is no difference between
a highway and a byway. Okay?
I'm so glad you
figured that out.
Maybe we can all get
some sleep tonight.
I'll tell you what people can't
get enough of... hardship songs.
You're right.
There's nothing like a hardship
song that set my toes to tappin'.
Well, that's what all the
best songs are about.
Pain, misery. You
know, real life.
My life.
My parents kicked me out of
the house when I was 16.
Moved in with crazy aunt in
a and a houseful of cats.
Married at 17, widowed at 18.
Tornado carried away my car.
Hospitalized for pneumonia.
Everybody sing.
Mom.
The one and only.
Where's dad?
He's out in the garage, honey,
struggling with the muses.
I need him to fix my truck.
- What happened to it?
- The wheel fell off.
Give it to me.
You don't know how
to fix trucks.
I know how to do
anything. I'm a mom.
Dads are supposed to fix trucks.
Give me that. Go
sit down here.
- BECKY: Don't touch that.
- DARLENE: I didn't touch it.
Mom, you hear that?
Yeah, Becky and Darlene
are at it again.
They're giving me a headache.
Me, too.
I've had it.
Me, too.
They say they're gonna be
quiet, but they never are.
Yeah, never.
Never.
- You know what else?
- What?
They're always in the bathroom.
They're horrible, rotten girls.
What are we gonna do with them?
Kill 'em.
Nah, then I'd just have
to clean up the mess.
I guess we're gonna have to live
with them until they move out.
Yeah.
Well, here you go.
One fixed truck.
Thanks.
Vroom!
BECKY: Just shut up, Darlene.
DARLENE: It's half my room,
too, little miss perfect.
Well, you can have both
halves for all I care.
What is your problem?
You're my problem,
you little slob.
- You used to be almost normal.
- Yeah, until you were born.
Knock it off.
I wish mom and dad had
left you at that hospital.
Shut up, Becky.
Mom!
She's not here!
Mother, I can't spend another
minute in the same room with her.
And whom, pray tell,
are we talking about?
Mother, please, you know
who I'm talking about.
The pig.
Here's your filthy,
disgusting pillow.
All you two have been doing
this whole week is fighting,
and I really want
it to stop now.
Then talk to Darlene.
She leaves all her grungy stuff
all over my side of the room.
What? I can't leave anything anywhere
without her going into convulsions.
There's only one way
to solve this problem.
Give me that pillow.
And give me that blanket, too.
Now, turn around and
face each other here.
Now, I want you two to
fight to the death.
Mother.
Go on, start ripping
each other apart,
limb from limb.
And whoever's left standing
gets to keep the room.
You know what she's
trying to do.
Well, I do have another plan.
I hate it when she does this.
- Go get the masking tape...
- "put a line down the Center of the room."
"And stay on your side."
Mom, that never works.
Well, you make it work, girls.
- Fine, I'll get the tape.
- No, I'll get the tape.
- I'm getting the tape.
- I'll get the tape.
I'm getting my tubes tied.
Look what I brought you.
Oh, thanks, baby. Just
put it down here.
This drill hasn't worked
since I bought it.
I thought you was
out here composing.
I tried a few things,
but, uh… I don't know,
I guess I just wasn't inspired.
Well, I'm here now.
And yet somehow I'm
still not inspired.
Well, if you're not
gonna write no songs,
why don't you dig out
some of these to send in.
I already looked. There's
nothing in there worth sending.
Don't give me that.
There's bound to be an
undiscovered masterpiece in here.
Trust me, they all suck mud.
Face it, I'm a small-time contractor.
I ain't no big-time composer.
Well, this is no
big-time contest.
- What is this?
- What?
♪ ooh, baby, baby, give
it to me, give it to me ♪
♪ hey, baby, baby, give it
to me, give it to me. ♪
give it to me.
It was, uh... it
was a dance hit.
In the seventies, I guess.
Yeah, the lyrics
weren't important.
I was really moved by it. I was
getting ready to give it to you.
Oh! You wanna hear
something really bad?
- Is it worse than that one?
- Much worse. Almost criminal.
♪ ooh, baby, baby,
give it to me. ♪
I wrote this when I was 19.
Let me see.
Blueberry fantasy,
tangerine dream…
♪ love is a rainbow ♪
♪ of incense and cream ♪
oh, now I know why you can't
remember your teen years.
That marked the end of
my psychedelic period.
No, that's the one. You
ought to send that in.
Let's just forget about the
contest and clean up this mess.
All right, you're the boss.
I'm sorry, for a minute there, I thought
I heard you say I was the boss.
What's that?
That's nothing. It's just
something I was working on.
Hey, let me hear it.
It doesn't really
have a tune yet.
- I wanna hear it anyway.
- Well, I'm kind of rusty.
Let's see.
♪ there's a river ♪
♪ there's a river ♪
♪ high in the mountains ♪
♪ that's been flowin'
since who knows when ♪
- I like it.
- You don't recognize it, do you?
- Huh-uh.
- No?
♪ no one's sure just
how it started ♪
♪ but it's never gonna end. ♪
it's one of your poems.
Gosh, that is. I can't
believe you saved it.
Yeah, I saved everything
you've ever written.
Except for a few notes on
the refrigerator door.
That's so sweet.
- You like it?
- Yeah.
Well, it's half yours. Maybe if I
goose it up a little bit here.
♪ there's a river high
in the mountains ♪
♪ that's been flowin'
since who knows when ♪
♪ no one's sure just
how it started ♪
♪ but it's never gonna end ♪
♪ our love is like that river ♪
♪ flowin' through all time ♪
♪ heaven knows I need you ♪
♪ and I'll never
change my mind ♪
♪ heaven knows how I love you ♪
♪ and I'll never ♪
♪ change my mind. ♪
- that was beautiful.
- Yeah?
- You like it?
- It's beautiful.
You think it's good
enough to enter?
I think it's good enough to win.
- Really?
- I really, really do.
Then when we go out on tour,
the kids ain't coming
with us, right?
Right.
Hey, Roseanne,
I hear you and Dan are gonna be big
country and western superstars.
Go away, Pete.
You really think you're gonna
win that contest tonight, huh?
Yes, we're gonna
win that contest.
Then we're gonna snag a great
big ol' recording contract.
Then we're gonna pack up the
kids and move to Nashville.
Yee-haw!
Then me and Dan are gonna buy
these big platinum blonde wigs,
and then I'm gonna change all
the kids' middle names to bob.
Becky bob, Darlene
bob, D.J. Bob.
Well, I'm gonna be listening
to my radio tonight,
so that song better be good.
Go away, Pete.
Crystal, hand me
that thing there.
- ( SCREAMING )
- What? What's wrong?
- Cockroach.
- Where?
- There. Kill it.
- You kill it.
- I ain't killing it.
- It's on your side.
Come on, Jackie, do something.
There.
Can we go back to work now?
- ROSEANNE: Booker.
- Yeah.
I just killed a big ol'
cockroach over here.
You better take him
off the payroll.
You're gonna do something
about these bugs?
Yeah, I'll talk to
the exterminator.
ALL: Whoo!
- Get back to work, all right?
- Okay.
All right, that's enough.
Harris, I wanna see
you in my office.
Now.
ALL: Ooh!
Sis, take the wrench.
Let's go. Come on.
What do you think you're doing?
- You call that fun, fun?
- Why are you getting so serious?
This is a very serious matter.
Stuff like that could lead
to the unemployment line.
You'd quit over that?
Not me, you.
What would I write down
as my reason for dismissal?
Uncontrollable lust.
Booker, you're right.
The dam is crumbling.
I can't fight it any longer.
- You're gonna have to try.
- I'm a spontaneous person.
- I just get these impulses.
- I like impulses.
Bring 'em to my apartment.
What am I gonna do about
these impulses right now?
You're gonna have to
control yourself.
- I am the boss.
- And I respect that.
I'm the top guy.
What happened out there
will never happen again.
I am glad that we have
that understanding.
Roseanne, booker gave
me his phone number.
( WOMEN SCREAMING )
Program's getting
ready to start.
- I popped you some corn.
- Oh, good.
I'm kind of nervous.
How about you?
Oh, my spurs are shakin' here.
I know this contest
ain't a big deal,
but it's kind of a big deal.
Ah, my love,
soon our music career
will skyrocket.
- I'm gonna have to dig up some more poems.
- What for?
'Cause we need something
for the flip side.
Oh, yeah.
Mom, tell her to get
out of my chair.
DARLENE: Mom, tell her
I was here first.
Mom, tell her she's lying.
D.J., tell your
sisters to shut up.
Shut up.
ROSEANNE: Thank you, honey.
( ANNOUNCERS ON RADIO
) Evenin', everybody.
- This is bill.
- And this is Dave.
- And this is…
- DAVE AND BILL: " The bill and Dave show."
Well, this is it.
Mom, tell her I had
this chair first.
- She did not.
- D.J.?
Shut up.
BILL: Before we
announce the winner
of wife's songwriting contest,
Dave and I wanna thank
all of you who entered.
Yeah, boy, the response
was overwhelming.
We never expected
anything quite like this.
We had a grand total
of four entries.
- Four?
- I like the odds.
- Yeah.
- You think that would make our job easy,
but with four entries
and only three prizes,
I can tell you it was tough.
Just tell us who won.
Dave, let's get to it and
announce those winners.
Yes!
The third-place winner,
winner of two tickets
to the Lanford
annual tractor pull
is Frampton Newhouse.
- All right!
- One down, two to go.
Did you win yet?
- Not yet.
- Shh.
The second-prize winner,
winner of an evening for
two at the Lanford inn is…
I'm so nervous I can't stand it.
- Doris fisher.
- ( ALL SCREAM )
And the grand-prize winner,
winner of all 100 of
those dollars is…
A songwriting team
right here in Lanford.
Frank hale and Toby cutler.
- Who?
- Congratulations, Frank and Tobe,
for their sure-to-be-a-classic
tune, "daisies in the wind."
- I guess that's it.
- I guess so.
- When are they gonna play your song?
- They're not.
They didn't like our song.
- You mean, you didn't win?
- DAN: Afraid not, buddy.
Oh, you guys should've won.
Yeah, your song was the best.
- Thanks.
- Those radio guys are creeps.
Yeah, let's go down and
soap their windows.
Yeah, and we can let the
air out of their tires.
And set off smoke bombs.
Oh, you do me proud.
How are you doing, partner?
Fourth place, partner.
Nothing. Zero. Zip.
We are pathetic.
Let us hang our heads in shame.
How do you explain to people
that your song
wasn't good enough
to win two tickets to the
annual Lanford tractor pull?
You don't. You
move out of state.
Montana's nice.
And I hear they have
very little radio there.
Mom, dad, we're really
sorry you lost.
Well, we didn't really lose.
The only people that really ever
lose are people who never try.
At least we tried.
And got crushed.
Oh, stop.
- We're never gonna hear your song.
- Why don't you sing it for us.
Dare you?
Well, shuckins, kids. Why not?
Gather 'round, young'uns.
Pa's gonna sing us
a little ditty.
♪ there's a river high
in the mountains ♪
♪ that's been flowin'
since who knows when ♪
♪ no one's sure just
how it started ♪
♪ but it's never gonna end ♪
♪ our love is like that river ♪
♪ flowin' through all time ♪
♪ heaven knows how I need you ♪
♪ but I'll never
change my mind ♪
♪ heaven knows how I love you ♪
♪ and I'll never ♪
♪ change ♪
♪ my mind. ♪
whoo!
Yay!
Mmm.
Hey, mom, here's one
of your early earrings.
Oh, wow. Peace, love,
and sisterhood.
Can't find the other one.
I know, I lost it
at a protest march.
You were in a protest march?
Your mother was at all
of the protest marches.
What were you protesting?
Oh, the usual... war, violence,
mass communications.
This is neat.
That's a mood ring
I bought your mom.
Yeah, back when I
was in a good mood.
Can I have it?
- Well…
- Can I have this earring?
Well, my daughters,
since you have not maimed,
killed, or abused each other
in the last 24 hours,
I will bestow these gifts on you
as a token of my gratitude.
- Thanks, mom.
- Yeah, thanks.
Dan, why do we keep
all of this junk?
Maybe we should throw it out.
You can't throw this stuff
out. This is our life.
Yeah.
I think we're in big trouble.