Robot Chicken (2001–…): Season 6, Episode 3 - Punctured Jugular - full transcript
Robot Chicken pitches "The Fast and the Furious 6"; We see Wilson from "Cast Away" in a "Bourne Identity-type role; We find out what Odd Job does on his day off; The writers dream how ...
It's alive!
Are you telling me it's
a world without cars?
Cars are banned thanks to Obama.
...from award-winning visionary
director Justin Lin...
...and the worst screenwriter
in the history of movies... Oh!
It's on.
That would be a good line to
put at the end of a trailer.
Yeah, clearly.
For sure.
Polly, are you ready to get
rid of your accessories?
Because that's what they are...
accessories, not love.
Y-yes.
Oh, I don't know if you and a
camera crew are gonna be able to
cure me in a single afternoon.
It's a freak show either way, Polly.
Oh.
Oh, well, that was sex.
I feel so close to you.
I want you to know the truth about me.
I'm not only Jem.
I'm also...
...Jerrica Benton.
Uh... that's great.
How about switching back over to Jem?
Thanks. Not big on Jerrica.
No! Wilson!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Don't try to move. You're still very weak.
Tell me ... who are you?
Oh. You've lost your memory.
Wait! Wait, my friend!
We can help you!
Hey, you bum!
No loitering in the park.
Come on. Let's see some I.D.
Stand down, or I'll use force!
Ow!
All units ... we have a fleeing suspect
who's just attacked an officer.
Aah! Oh! Don't hurt me!
I'll take you wherever you need to go!
Why are the police after you?
Oh, you're right.
I do talk too much.
I can't lose them.
Take the wheel!
Stop!
Ah! They're getting away!
You did it. You're amazing.
Oh [bleep] you cops!
I've never felt so alive.
This is my brother's place, but
he's on vacation right now.
Save us!
I got it. I got it!
Oh, get it off me!
Get it off me!
Stay back! Stay back!
Stay back!
Look out!
Everyone thought you were dead.
I love you, but I have a family now.
Ow!
Wilson!
I thought I'd lost you forever!
Did you just hit me in the face?
I am calling the cops!
Ow.
No witnesses.
No witnesses.
Aah! My dog!
Perseus!
Hey!
Make us proud, Sabib.
I will!
Guys! Guys!
The western dogs, they're pulling
their military bases from our soil!
We won!
We did it! We did it!
That is a close one!
Oh, yeah. Sorry, Sabib.
There's no way to remove the vest.
What?
Hey guys, you're all coming to
my super bowl party, right?
Oh, yeah!
Hey, what kind of chips should I bring?
Cool ranch or ... ooh, sorry, Sabib,
my wife kind of doesn't want your
suicide vest around the kids.
But... that's not fair!
I was prepared to martyr
myself for the good of us all!
So, my wife's a bitch?
Is that what you're saying?
No! I-I...
Bro, your wife is a bitch.
"Avengers 2" is sold out.
Plenty of tickets left for the movie
where Kevin James gets pregnant, though.
My water's breaking!
It is in your power to end this.
We'll do it together.
Ladies and gentlemen, the greatest
super-weapon ever created!
I give you Astro Boy!
You know what would have
made a greater super-weapon?
A full-grown man robot with a
[bleep] shirt, you sick son of a
bitch!
Shall I show him my cannon, sir?
Uh, no, no, no, no, no.
"I am required by law to
notify you that I am a
registered s-sex offender."
Hi, there.
May I help you with anything today?
Yeah.
I'm looking for a lotion that'll
really soften up human skin.
Well, our signature series
uses sea-kelp extract.
Here! Try it out!
Oh, this nice.
Um, is there a gift with purchase?
If you buy the whole set, it
comes in this cute basket!
I do need a basket.
Put the lotion in the basket.
I'm taking the set.
Excellent!
And your total is $635.
Yikes. That is pricy.
Well, you pay for quality.
I guess you can't put a price
on beautiful human skin.
True.
No! Please, mister!
Let me go!
It puts the moisturizer,
refining serum and body buffer
on its skin, or else it
gets the hose again.
Oh ... wow! Cr?me de la mer?
This stuff's insanely expensive.
You're telling me, but obviously,
people are willing to pay.
Guilty as charged.
Seriously, put the [bleep]
lotion on your skin.
Who is she?
What does she want?
Ooh! Oh, dear.
Oh, my!
It's ... it's $10 each or $100
for all at once.
Well, that sounds perfectly reasonable.
Mr. Gargamel, how do you plead to the
charges of kidnapping, murder, and
consumption of 182 smurfs?
Guilty, your honor.
They were delicious.
Then you are hereby sentenced to 50 years
for racially motivated hate crimes.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
I'm no racist!
All I was trying to do was round
up every last smurf on earth and
eradicate their entire species.
You just gave the textbook
definition of genocide.
Whoops.
So, me and Hitler, then.
Hmm.
Why would a contractor need
glow-in-the-dark paint?
I wonder if this has to do
with the glowing ghost?
I put my parents $100,000 in
debt for that criminal science
degree.
I need to rethink my life.
Zoinks!
Shaggy!
Oh!
Oh, my glasses.
Oh! Jinkies!
G-g-g-glowing ghost!
Ohh!
Velma!
Oh, my God.
Oh, I just puked right
in my [bleep] mask!
Velma faces 12 to 18 months
of physical therapy with no
insurance.
While she's on that fun journey,
we need someone to fill her
role.
Like, dude, me and Scoob already
put an ad on Craigslist.
Reah! Raigs-rist!
Like, here she is now!
I am Lisbeth Salander.
I know we need a team nerd,
but do they always have to be
such boner killers?
# Ba-da-da, ba #
Hey, Lisbeth!
I really like your, uh... hair, eyebrows,
makeup, piercings, tattoos, outfit,
hygiene, manners, smile, accent...
Hey, Fred, turn up the radio.
The owner of this amusement
park says a ghost is scaring
away all his customers.
My plan is we split up.
You are incompetent.
Huh?
The owner of this park is bankrupt.
These are his financial records.
Don't implicate me in
whatever you're doing.
Lots of honest people
file chapter 11, Lisbeth.
Here are his personal e-mails.
He has $50,000 in gambling debts.
Well, gambling is a deplorable vice.
Here are receipts for a ghost
costume, a one-way ticket to
Brazil, and 12 drums of acetone ...
the most common arson accelerant.
He is planning to burn the park
for the insurance money, blame
it on a ghost, and flee the country.
I say we split up.
Look out!
Zoinks!
Ruh-roh!
That is Phillip W. Anderson, the president
and C.E.O. of this ... like, run!
You wear too much purple.
I know! It matches my eyes.
The only humans with naturally
purple eyes are albinos.
Fine! They're contacts.
God!
You think you know everything, huh?
You think you're cool.
You know, you're not the only
one with a bad-ass tattoo.
I think a tumbleweed just
blew through my vagina.
I know! It sucks!
Fred sucks!
I have the worst
boyfriend in the world!
Maybe you could try
handcuffing him to your bed.
Oh, I guess that could spice things up.
Yes!
And then [ bleep ] him with a
stainless-steel revenge [bleep]!
Oh!
So that's how these girls play.
Ohh.
This whole park smells like sex
all of a sudden, and I get
stuck with a four-legged
tang repellant.
Rang re-rellent?
Ray-re rit's rhe roul ratch.
Did you just diss the soul patch?
Rit's rhe rhost!
Like, zoinks!
Look!
It was the amusement
park owner after all!
Imbecile.
We actually solved the
mystery without Velma.
And without a tacked-on car chase
and explosion, unlike
"The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo."
Ohh!
Thanks for the critique, guys.
Stieg Larsson, author of "The
Girl With the Dragon Tattoo"?!
Maybe I would have done a second
draft if I hadn't died of
a [bleep] heart attack!
Like, hey, old dude.
Did you lose a contact lens?
I just took a hammer to the skull.
I think my [bleep] retina flew off.
Rooby-Rooby-Roo!
Are you telling me it's
a world without cars?
Cars are banned thanks to Obama.
...from award-winning visionary
director Justin Lin...
...and the worst screenwriter
in the history of movies... Oh!
It's on.
That would be a good line to
put at the end of a trailer.
Yeah, clearly.
For sure.
Polly, are you ready to get
rid of your accessories?
Because that's what they are...
accessories, not love.
Y-yes.
Oh, I don't know if you and a
camera crew are gonna be able to
cure me in a single afternoon.
It's a freak show either way, Polly.
Oh.
Oh, well, that was sex.
I feel so close to you.
I want you to know the truth about me.
I'm not only Jem.
I'm also...
...Jerrica Benton.
Uh... that's great.
How about switching back over to Jem?
Thanks. Not big on Jerrica.
No! Wilson!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Don't try to move. You're still very weak.
Tell me ... who are you?
Oh. You've lost your memory.
Wait! Wait, my friend!
We can help you!
Hey, you bum!
No loitering in the park.
Come on. Let's see some I.D.
Stand down, or I'll use force!
Ow!
All units ... we have a fleeing suspect
who's just attacked an officer.
Aah! Oh! Don't hurt me!
I'll take you wherever you need to go!
Why are the police after you?
Oh, you're right.
I do talk too much.
I can't lose them.
Take the wheel!
Stop!
Ah! They're getting away!
You did it. You're amazing.
Oh [bleep] you cops!
I've never felt so alive.
This is my brother's place, but
he's on vacation right now.
Save us!
I got it. I got it!
Oh, get it off me!
Get it off me!
Stay back! Stay back!
Stay back!
Look out!
Everyone thought you were dead.
I love you, but I have a family now.
Ow!
Wilson!
I thought I'd lost you forever!
Did you just hit me in the face?
I am calling the cops!
Ow.
No witnesses.
No witnesses.
Aah! My dog!
Perseus!
Hey!
Make us proud, Sabib.
I will!
Guys! Guys!
The western dogs, they're pulling
their military bases from our soil!
We won!
We did it! We did it!
That is a close one!
Oh, yeah. Sorry, Sabib.
There's no way to remove the vest.
What?
Hey guys, you're all coming to
my super bowl party, right?
Oh, yeah!
Hey, what kind of chips should I bring?
Cool ranch or ... ooh, sorry, Sabib,
my wife kind of doesn't want your
suicide vest around the kids.
But... that's not fair!
I was prepared to martyr
myself for the good of us all!
So, my wife's a bitch?
Is that what you're saying?
No! I-I...
Bro, your wife is a bitch.
"Avengers 2" is sold out.
Plenty of tickets left for the movie
where Kevin James gets pregnant, though.
My water's breaking!
It is in your power to end this.
We'll do it together.
Ladies and gentlemen, the greatest
super-weapon ever created!
I give you Astro Boy!
You know what would have
made a greater super-weapon?
A full-grown man robot with a
[bleep] shirt, you sick son of a
bitch!
Shall I show him my cannon, sir?
Uh, no, no, no, no, no.
"I am required by law to
notify you that I am a
registered s-sex offender."
Hi, there.
May I help you with anything today?
Yeah.
I'm looking for a lotion that'll
really soften up human skin.
Well, our signature series
uses sea-kelp extract.
Here! Try it out!
Oh, this nice.
Um, is there a gift with purchase?
If you buy the whole set, it
comes in this cute basket!
I do need a basket.
Put the lotion in the basket.
I'm taking the set.
Excellent!
And your total is $635.
Yikes. That is pricy.
Well, you pay for quality.
I guess you can't put a price
on beautiful human skin.
True.
No! Please, mister!
Let me go!
It puts the moisturizer,
refining serum and body buffer
on its skin, or else it
gets the hose again.
Oh ... wow! Cr?me de la mer?
This stuff's insanely expensive.
You're telling me, but obviously,
people are willing to pay.
Guilty as charged.
Seriously, put the [bleep]
lotion on your skin.
Who is she?
What does she want?
Ooh! Oh, dear.
Oh, my!
It's ... it's $10 each or $100
for all at once.
Well, that sounds perfectly reasonable.
Mr. Gargamel, how do you plead to the
charges of kidnapping, murder, and
consumption of 182 smurfs?
Guilty, your honor.
They were delicious.
Then you are hereby sentenced to 50 years
for racially motivated hate crimes.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
I'm no racist!
All I was trying to do was round
up every last smurf on earth and
eradicate their entire species.
You just gave the textbook
definition of genocide.
Whoops.
So, me and Hitler, then.
Hmm.
Why would a contractor need
glow-in-the-dark paint?
I wonder if this has to do
with the glowing ghost?
I put my parents $100,000 in
debt for that criminal science
degree.
I need to rethink my life.
Zoinks!
Shaggy!
Oh!
Oh, my glasses.
Oh! Jinkies!
G-g-g-glowing ghost!
Ohh!
Velma!
Oh, my God.
Oh, I just puked right
in my [bleep] mask!
Velma faces 12 to 18 months
of physical therapy with no
insurance.
While she's on that fun journey,
we need someone to fill her
role.
Like, dude, me and Scoob already
put an ad on Craigslist.
Reah! Raigs-rist!
Like, here she is now!
I am Lisbeth Salander.
I know we need a team nerd,
but do they always have to be
such boner killers?
# Ba-da-da, ba #
Hey, Lisbeth!
I really like your, uh... hair, eyebrows,
makeup, piercings, tattoos, outfit,
hygiene, manners, smile, accent...
Hey, Fred, turn up the radio.
The owner of this amusement
park says a ghost is scaring
away all his customers.
My plan is we split up.
You are incompetent.
Huh?
The owner of this park is bankrupt.
These are his financial records.
Don't implicate me in
whatever you're doing.
Lots of honest people
file chapter 11, Lisbeth.
Here are his personal e-mails.
He has $50,000 in gambling debts.
Well, gambling is a deplorable vice.
Here are receipts for a ghost
costume, a one-way ticket to
Brazil, and 12 drums of acetone ...
the most common arson accelerant.
He is planning to burn the park
for the insurance money, blame
it on a ghost, and flee the country.
I say we split up.
Look out!
Zoinks!
Ruh-roh!
That is Phillip W. Anderson, the president
and C.E.O. of this ... like, run!
You wear too much purple.
I know! It matches my eyes.
The only humans with naturally
purple eyes are albinos.
Fine! They're contacts.
God!
You think you know everything, huh?
You think you're cool.
You know, you're not the only
one with a bad-ass tattoo.
I think a tumbleweed just
blew through my vagina.
I know! It sucks!
Fred sucks!
I have the worst
boyfriend in the world!
Maybe you could try
handcuffing him to your bed.
Oh, I guess that could spice things up.
Yes!
And then [ bleep ] him with a
stainless-steel revenge [bleep]!
Oh!
So that's how these girls play.
Ohh.
This whole park smells like sex
all of a sudden, and I get
stuck with a four-legged
tang repellant.
Rang re-rellent?
Ray-re rit's rhe roul ratch.
Did you just diss the soul patch?
Rit's rhe rhost!
Like, zoinks!
Look!
It was the amusement
park owner after all!
Imbecile.
We actually solved the
mystery without Velma.
And without a tacked-on car chase
and explosion, unlike
"The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo."
Ohh!
Thanks for the critique, guys.
Stieg Larsson, author of "The
Girl With the Dragon Tattoo"?!
Maybe I would have done a second
draft if I hadn't died of
a [bleep] heart attack!
Like, hey, old dude.
Did you lose a contact lens?
I just took a hammer to the skull.
I think my [bleep] retina flew off.
Rooby-Rooby-Roo!