Robot Chicken (2001–…): Season 6, Episode 2 - Crushed by a Steamroller on My 53rd Birthday - full transcript
See how the writers imagine what goes on after an Alvin and the Chipmunks concert; Mary Poppins is the kind of nanny we'd love to have around; We discover why B.A. Baracus hates flying so much.
It's alive!
♪ Alvin is the cool-munk ♪
♪ he really loves to rock ♪
♪ together we're the Chipmunks ♪
♪ I jerk off in Dave's so-o-o-ck ♪
Alvin!
This is my jam.
I swear to God, I'm gonna get backstage
and blow one of those Chipmunks!
What did you just say?
Yeah! Least one of them.
Hopefully all of them.
But they don't have penises, Traci.
They're animatronic.
Kendra, they're not animatronic.
I think I heard they're mutants.
They're regular Chipmunks
that got radiated.
Don't care. Blowing one!
Whoo!
Wow.
One, two, three, four.
Mr. Seville, I'm new here,
so I wanted to double-check.
What's your policy on groupies?
Groupies?
Oh, hi -- me, me!
Wait a minute, are you saying
that human girl is sexually
interested in the boys?
That's disgusting.
Get her the hell out of here.
I'm gonna go pray for her soul.
Wow, a real groupie, just
like other rock stars have.
Don't even think about it, Alvin.
It's bestiality.
It's against God's plan.
Theodore, we're
four-foot-high Chipmunks.
We're proof that God is dead.
I'm going to whack me
off a piece of that.
I didn't actually think
I'd get this far.
Lucky you.
Yeah, you smell different
than I thought.
Like, less dreamy and more gamey.
Oh, well, uh, I guess we don't have to.
Yeah. Yeah, we do.
I talked a big game in
front of my friends.
And now
this has to happen.
Oh, are you crying?
I can't find your junk.
Oh, hang on.
My genitals retract!
Oh, God. I'm going home now.
Aww.
Hope my friends didn't
go home without me.
Ye-e-e-e-s!
This is so much better
than masturbating!
And Kendra thought you
were animatronic.
Nope. Mutated by radiation.
Yeah!
High five!
Yeah!
This is my jam!
Aww.
Mom and dad couldn't afford our
Christmas presents because the
price of gas is so high.
But I've been extra good.
Swear I'm gonna [bleep]
some [bleep] up next year.
Did somebody say "energy crisis"?
Not in those exact
words, Captain America.
The high cost of energy is
crippling America, kids.
But what can we do?
We can lick this problem if
we all do our part together.
Turn the dial down to 68
degrees, and we'll use
less heating oil.
We're not gonna do that.
My feet get cold.
Uh, okay. Next tip.
Electronics still use energy
even when turned off.
Make sure to unplug them.
That sounds exhausting.
Pass.
Uh... clothes dryers are 20%
of a home's energy bill.
Dry your laundry outdoors,
and save power.
I never wait that long.
Nobody's gonna do that.
Oh, fine. [Bleep] you then.
Sorry we couldn't afford
gifts this year, kids.
That's okay.
It's enough that you don't force us to
live like a bunch of broke-ass hippies.
Aww.
My feet are [bleep] freezing.
Lassie, what's wrong, girl?
Timmy fell -- oh, wrong verb?
Dropped... put... spread...
Timmy spread...peanut butter...
on his balls...and you had to--
Oh, I'm so sorry, Lassie.
Let's all give a round of
applause to 6-year-old
Bosco Albert, who's making our
flight from Atlanta to L.A. all
by himself.
Also, it looks like the
in-flight meal was over three
weeks old and almost certainly
teeming with bacteria.
Thank you so much.
Excuse me, I need to use the --
FAA regulations require that
you stay in your seat with
your seatbelt fully fastened.
This isn't happening.
I'm not gonna make it.
God forgive me!
Oh, dear, get out of the way!
Ladies and gentlemen, this
is your captain, reminding you
that getting out of your seat
is against f--
Aw, who am I kidding?
I'm out of my seat squatting over
a coffee pot up here, people.
Do what you have to do.
Oh, God!
I told you before, I don't
get on no damn plane.
Oh, what's the big deal, B.A.?
It's personal.
Rosemary's here to share some
news with her baby daddy.
Now, does Stan --
It's "Satan."
Sorry.
Does Satan know why he's here today?
No, Lonnie, he has no idea.
Well', let's bring him out.
Satan.
Thank you.
Hi, Satan, how are you?
I'm doing great, Lonnie, amazing.
I'm here with my beautiful baby mama.
Now, Satan, you and Rosemary have
raised little Adrian together.
Happiest years of my life, Lonnie.
But we performed a paternity
test, and I have the results
right here.
Say what?
Satan, you...are... not the father.
How could you?
What am I gonna tell mee-maw?!
Coming up... Joseph, you are not
the father of Mary's child.
Ah! I told you.
I told you that's not my kid.
That's not my kid.
Let's meet Jesus' real father.
God.
Yeah. Hey, hey, hey.
You don't know me.
You don't know me.
Did you just change
back from a werewolf?
Yeah.
You've been licking your
balls, haven't you?
Well, they don't lick themselves.
Our kids have made a 180-degree
change, Ms. Poppins.
How do you do it?
Oh, let's just say I have my secrets.
Ta-ta!
Secrets?
I don't like the sound of that.
Oh, thank God we bought that nanny cam.
A spoonful of sugar
will help this go down.
Did we say she could
medicate the children?
Did she saw a hole in my table?
This room is a mess.
Oh, great, and she's also a witch.
Hello, police.
Oh, dear.
Land your umbrella!
Put your hands over your head!
Now, just a minute.
Now, bitch, now!
Such language.
A spoonful of sugar
will help this go down.
She's going for a gun!
Oh, sometimes a warning
shot is quite polite.
Ahhhh!
But sometimes, you got to grow a dick.
Aah!
Hey, Woody.
I got some wood for you to peck on.
Woodpecker!
you.
This school play is so boring.
I was literally daydreaming
about that horrible day I spent
fly-fishing with your brother.
Shh!
Yeah, baby, I'm killing it tonight!
The sex we're having is
literally so bad that I'm
daydreaming about the time you
told me about fly-fishing during
that boring school play.
What were you just thinking, dear?
What could've made him kill himself?
Think I figured it out.
I'm knitting a sweater
for my granddaughter.
She's part of a human centipede.
Gentlemen, if we properly
reconstructed this DNA, we're
about to meet the first dinosaur
to walk the earth in 65 million
years.
Wow, radical place you got here, dude.
Show me the nearest half-pipe,
'cause I'm a rebel with a
totally rude 'tude.
Burn it all.
Burn it all!
Ahh.
Hey, what's up?
Gather 'round, Joes.
Our orders just came though.
What's cobra up to this time, Duke?
No, not cobra.
Apparently we're being
deployed to Afghanistan.
Hmm. Okay.
Yo, Joe?
Yo, Joe!
Who wants to jump on Google and
find out what a "Taliban" is?
Oh, okay.
I was concerned about your
colorful unit training my men,
Duke, until I heard about
your experience with ruthless
terrorist organizations.
You can count on G.I. Joe to
keep a low profile, colonel.
Now if you could just point
me toward the local Petco.
Seems the flight didn't agree
with our exotic birds.
Polly, watch the eyes!
Aah! Ow!
You simply knock out an enemy,
throw on his clothes, and
"Ahoy, Matey," you're undercover.
Questions anyone?
Estevez?
I'm not Estevez, sir.
I'm Hammond.
Oh, of course. Sorry.
I meant you, Estevez.
I'm Sanderson, sir.
It's so hard to tell you guys apart
with your matching uniforms.
Where's Estevez?
There is no Estevez.
Son, you shoot like that in the
field, and your enemy could
end up dead.
The idea is to herd them back to
the enemy line, safe and sound.
Hey, this laser rifle's
loaded with bullets.
Amateur hour, guys.
Intel is suggesting the
insurgents are massing here,
here, and here.
'Scuse me, colonel, but
shouldn't we be more concerned
with the enemy's weather dominator?
It's about a million degrees outside.
It's the desert.
Well, then, some other kind of
dominator -- sand dominator, maybe.
I don't know.
Just spitballing here.
Sir, the insurgents are moving.
All right, send out a division.
Y-o-o-o-o Jo-o-o-e!
Send out a division to...
All right, this is it.
Remember, keep your heads, and
everything will be just --
They're shooting at us!
Oh, my God, they're
actually shooting at us!
Aah!
Get out of the chopper!
Aah!
Move, move, move.
Does anyone else feel
like a dumbass right now?
Yo-o-o-o Joe!
Oh, no!
Great job, team.
Those insurgents won't
know what hit them.
Great job, team.
Those insurgents didn't
know what hit them.
All right, troops you got them now.
Herd him.
Herd him back to the line.
Good job, team.
He'll be turning tail any second.
Oh, it's a [bleep] meat grinder.
Who will protect the world from Cobra
after we've yo'd our last Joe?
Look at those fools.
I knew the Joes couldn't handle
the rigors of actual combat.
What the [bleep] was that?
We're in there!
Go, go, go, go, go!
What the [bleep]
Bitch, protect your commander.
You win this day, SEAL team 6.
But next time.
Good job, every--
Good job, good --
Good job, everyone.
♪ Ba-bock, bock, bock-a bock-a ♪
♪ bock, bock, bock ♪
Ba-bock!
Bock.
♪ Alvin is the cool-munk ♪
♪ he really loves to rock ♪
♪ together we're the Chipmunks ♪
♪ I jerk off in Dave's so-o-o-ck ♪
Alvin!
This is my jam.
I swear to God, I'm gonna get backstage
and blow one of those Chipmunks!
What did you just say?
Yeah! Least one of them.
Hopefully all of them.
But they don't have penises, Traci.
They're animatronic.
Kendra, they're not animatronic.
I think I heard they're mutants.
They're regular Chipmunks
that got radiated.
Don't care. Blowing one!
Whoo!
Wow.
One, two, three, four.
Mr. Seville, I'm new here,
so I wanted to double-check.
What's your policy on groupies?
Groupies?
Oh, hi -- me, me!
Wait a minute, are you saying
that human girl is sexually
interested in the boys?
That's disgusting.
Get her the hell out of here.
I'm gonna go pray for her soul.
Wow, a real groupie, just
like other rock stars have.
Don't even think about it, Alvin.
It's bestiality.
It's against God's plan.
Theodore, we're
four-foot-high Chipmunks.
We're proof that God is dead.
I'm going to whack me
off a piece of that.
I didn't actually think
I'd get this far.
Lucky you.
Yeah, you smell different
than I thought.
Like, less dreamy and more gamey.
Oh, well, uh, I guess we don't have to.
Yeah. Yeah, we do.
I talked a big game in
front of my friends.
And now
this has to happen.
Oh, are you crying?
I can't find your junk.
Oh, hang on.
My genitals retract!
Oh, God. I'm going home now.
Aww.
Hope my friends didn't
go home without me.
Ye-e-e-e-s!
This is so much better
than masturbating!
And Kendra thought you
were animatronic.
Nope. Mutated by radiation.
Yeah!
High five!
Yeah!
This is my jam!
Aww.
Mom and dad couldn't afford our
Christmas presents because the
price of gas is so high.
But I've been extra good.
Swear I'm gonna [bleep]
some [bleep] up next year.
Did somebody say "energy crisis"?
Not in those exact
words, Captain America.
The high cost of energy is
crippling America, kids.
But what can we do?
We can lick this problem if
we all do our part together.
Turn the dial down to 68
degrees, and we'll use
less heating oil.
We're not gonna do that.
My feet get cold.
Uh, okay. Next tip.
Electronics still use energy
even when turned off.
Make sure to unplug them.
That sounds exhausting.
Pass.
Uh... clothes dryers are 20%
of a home's energy bill.
Dry your laundry outdoors,
and save power.
I never wait that long.
Nobody's gonna do that.
Oh, fine. [Bleep] you then.
Sorry we couldn't afford
gifts this year, kids.
That's okay.
It's enough that you don't force us to
live like a bunch of broke-ass hippies.
Aww.
My feet are [bleep] freezing.
Lassie, what's wrong, girl?
Timmy fell -- oh, wrong verb?
Dropped... put... spread...
Timmy spread...peanut butter...
on his balls...and you had to--
Oh, I'm so sorry, Lassie.
Let's all give a round of
applause to 6-year-old
Bosco Albert, who's making our
flight from Atlanta to L.A. all
by himself.
Also, it looks like the
in-flight meal was over three
weeks old and almost certainly
teeming with bacteria.
Thank you so much.
Excuse me, I need to use the --
FAA regulations require that
you stay in your seat with
your seatbelt fully fastened.
This isn't happening.
I'm not gonna make it.
God forgive me!
Oh, dear, get out of the way!
Ladies and gentlemen, this
is your captain, reminding you
that getting out of your seat
is against f--
Aw, who am I kidding?
I'm out of my seat squatting over
a coffee pot up here, people.
Do what you have to do.
Oh, God!
I told you before, I don't
get on no damn plane.
Oh, what's the big deal, B.A.?
It's personal.
Rosemary's here to share some
news with her baby daddy.
Now, does Stan --
It's "Satan."
Sorry.
Does Satan know why he's here today?
No, Lonnie, he has no idea.
Well', let's bring him out.
Satan.
Thank you.
Hi, Satan, how are you?
I'm doing great, Lonnie, amazing.
I'm here with my beautiful baby mama.
Now, Satan, you and Rosemary have
raised little Adrian together.
Happiest years of my life, Lonnie.
But we performed a paternity
test, and I have the results
right here.
Say what?
Satan, you...are... not the father.
How could you?
What am I gonna tell mee-maw?!
Coming up... Joseph, you are not
the father of Mary's child.
Ah! I told you.
I told you that's not my kid.
That's not my kid.
Let's meet Jesus' real father.
God.
Yeah. Hey, hey, hey.
You don't know me.
You don't know me.
Did you just change
back from a werewolf?
Yeah.
You've been licking your
balls, haven't you?
Well, they don't lick themselves.
Our kids have made a 180-degree
change, Ms. Poppins.
How do you do it?
Oh, let's just say I have my secrets.
Ta-ta!
Secrets?
I don't like the sound of that.
Oh, thank God we bought that nanny cam.
A spoonful of sugar
will help this go down.
Did we say she could
medicate the children?
Did she saw a hole in my table?
This room is a mess.
Oh, great, and she's also a witch.
Hello, police.
Oh, dear.
Land your umbrella!
Put your hands over your head!
Now, just a minute.
Now, bitch, now!
Such language.
A spoonful of sugar
will help this go down.
She's going for a gun!
Oh, sometimes a warning
shot is quite polite.
Ahhhh!
But sometimes, you got to grow a dick.
Aah!
Hey, Woody.
I got some wood for you to peck on.
Woodpecker!
you.
This school play is so boring.
I was literally daydreaming
about that horrible day I spent
fly-fishing with your brother.
Shh!
Yeah, baby, I'm killing it tonight!
The sex we're having is
literally so bad that I'm
daydreaming about the time you
told me about fly-fishing during
that boring school play.
What were you just thinking, dear?
What could've made him kill himself?
Think I figured it out.
I'm knitting a sweater
for my granddaughter.
She's part of a human centipede.
Gentlemen, if we properly
reconstructed this DNA, we're
about to meet the first dinosaur
to walk the earth in 65 million
years.
Wow, radical place you got here, dude.
Show me the nearest half-pipe,
'cause I'm a rebel with a
totally rude 'tude.
Burn it all.
Burn it all!
Ahh.
Hey, what's up?
Gather 'round, Joes.
Our orders just came though.
What's cobra up to this time, Duke?
No, not cobra.
Apparently we're being
deployed to Afghanistan.
Hmm. Okay.
Yo, Joe?
Yo, Joe!
Who wants to jump on Google and
find out what a "Taliban" is?
Oh, okay.
I was concerned about your
colorful unit training my men,
Duke, until I heard about
your experience with ruthless
terrorist organizations.
You can count on G.I. Joe to
keep a low profile, colonel.
Now if you could just point
me toward the local Petco.
Seems the flight didn't agree
with our exotic birds.
Polly, watch the eyes!
Aah! Ow!
You simply knock out an enemy,
throw on his clothes, and
"Ahoy, Matey," you're undercover.
Questions anyone?
Estevez?
I'm not Estevez, sir.
I'm Hammond.
Oh, of course. Sorry.
I meant you, Estevez.
I'm Sanderson, sir.
It's so hard to tell you guys apart
with your matching uniforms.
Where's Estevez?
There is no Estevez.
Son, you shoot like that in the
field, and your enemy could
end up dead.
The idea is to herd them back to
the enemy line, safe and sound.
Hey, this laser rifle's
loaded with bullets.
Amateur hour, guys.
Intel is suggesting the
insurgents are massing here,
here, and here.
'Scuse me, colonel, but
shouldn't we be more concerned
with the enemy's weather dominator?
It's about a million degrees outside.
It's the desert.
Well, then, some other kind of
dominator -- sand dominator, maybe.
I don't know.
Just spitballing here.
Sir, the insurgents are moving.
All right, send out a division.
Y-o-o-o-o Jo-o-o-e!
Send out a division to...
All right, this is it.
Remember, keep your heads, and
everything will be just --
They're shooting at us!
Oh, my God, they're
actually shooting at us!
Aah!
Get out of the chopper!
Aah!
Move, move, move.
Does anyone else feel
like a dumbass right now?
Yo-o-o-o Joe!
Oh, no!
Great job, team.
Those insurgents won't
know what hit them.
Great job, team.
Those insurgents didn't
know what hit them.
All right, troops you got them now.
Herd him.
Herd him back to the line.
Good job, team.
He'll be turning tail any second.
Oh, it's a [bleep] meat grinder.
Who will protect the world from Cobra
after we've yo'd our last Joe?
Look at those fools.
I knew the Joes couldn't handle
the rigors of actual combat.
What the [bleep] was that?
We're in there!
Go, go, go, go, go!
What the [bleep]
Bitch, protect your commander.
You win this day, SEAL team 6.
But next time.
Good job, every--
Good job, good --
Good job, everyone.
♪ Ba-bock, bock, bock-a bock-a ♪
♪ bock, bock, bock ♪
Ba-bock!
Bock.