Robot Chicken (2001–…): Season 4, Episode 14 - President Hu Forbids It - full transcript
The Batmobile loses it's wheel. Spend a night with Jack Sparrow. The creators imagine what happens when Chris Hanson can't catch a predator. Gyro-Robo adds some depth in D&D.
[ thunder crashing ]
[ drilling, sawing ]
[ electricity crackling ]
lt's alive!
[ humming ]
Ugh! Oh!
l'm such an idiot!
l'm melting!
Melting!
Sorry, guys.
We're full up.
[ techno music plays ]
Oh, come on!
[ tires screech ]
[ computer beeping ]
[ engine revs ]
[ tires screech ]
[ engine revs ]
Ugh!
[ glass shatters ]
Oh, glass.
Damn it!
[ grunting ]
Ugh!
[ clang! ]
[ panting ]
[ grunts ]
Ugh!
You can't be serious.
Scandal!
World wildlife
fund managers
discovered today
the fund has
been completely
emptied.
Where did
the money?
Accountants
are struggling to
solve the mystery.
[ dance music playing ]
[ gasps ]
[ music stops ]
[ chimps chattering ]
[ chimp shrieks ]
[ dance music playing ]
$45,000 going
once, $45,000
going twice,
and sold to the
bidder in the rear!
[ elephant trumpets ]
Oh, my God!
[ indistinct shouting ]
[ dance music plays ]
[ chimps shrieking ]
There you go,
Bill Gates.
Okay,
Bill Gates, the kids
from NS YNC,
Richard Branson, and
what l guess is
Michael Jackson
are already
aboard the world's
first space
billionaires flight.
Anyone missing?
Um...
The Chinese guy, Ling-Ling.
Oh,
this must be him.
[ glass shatters ]
[ dance music plays ]
[ people cheering ]
All right,
let's do this.
Come on. Try.
Ahoy.
Thar be boobies.
You're ruining it!
l want you to
take me, like
Captain Jack Sparrow.
l thought that
character was a chick.
This is my fantasy.
Try to be realistic.
[ harp plays ]
[ cockney accent ]
Are you
ready to be ravaged,
me lady?
lt is quite
humid south of
the equator,
my Captain.
Oh, oh, don't
mind the little
stowaways,
my darling.
Ew. Lice?
No Pantene on
the seven seas!
[ spits ]
Oh, my god!
l've been brushing
my teeth
with rum and
brine for close to
20 years,
my little siren.
Pay it no mind.
l don't know
if l'm ready for this.
Then l should
warn you.
l haven't a memory
of me last wash.
You might find
my balls have the
scent of vinegar
fermenting in feta cheese.
Ugh! Oh!
l c-- l can't.
l can't.
Wait, my dear.
lt's hard to
give chase, what
with the
horrific and
debilitating
rickets that
affected ocean-
bound travelers
of that time!
You know what?
lf you're not
gonna take this
serious, then
we're not gonna do it.
[ normal voice ]
What?!
You said
be realistic!
Sir, the whole
boat is rigged
to explode.
And l found this.
Greetings from the Joker!
Why so serious?
Anyway, we
have a boat of
civilians and a
boat of prison inmates.
l will blow up
both boats at midnight!
Oh, my God!
However, each
boat has a
detonator that
will blow up the
opposite boat.
lf one boat
decides to blow
up the other
boat prior to
midnight, l will
not blow up the
boat that blows
up the other
boat.
lt's quite the
moral quandary,
is it not?
T-then let's
vote on neither
boat blowing up.
No, he says
we decide!
Then l decide
neither boat blows up!
Wait, wait.
So we vote?
No, we --
we just press the
button, l think.
l don't understand!
What does this
prove exactly?
Uh,
Mr. Joker, sir?
We came to
a consensus.
We vote that neither
boat should blow up.
Yeah!
Very good.
That's my vote.
That's not a choice!
Uh, you better
explain it
again, then,
l guess.
[ sighs ]
l will blow up
both the boats.
My God!
Unless --
unless one boat
blows up the
other boat first.
Uh, w-what
are the other
options?
There are no
other options.
Ask him when
both boats blow up.
Midnight!
Midnight! Midnight!
All right, folks,
that gives
us a good
15 minutes.
Everyone into
the lifeboats.
No!
No lifeboats!
l said that you
couldn't use them!
You never said that!
l did!
Way back in
the beginning!
You'd better go
over the rules again.
Oh, for --
it's a catch-22!
Look, there
are two boats!
At midnight --
Good day, sir.
And good
day to you.
Yes.
Let's begin.
BOTH:
Ha!
[ birds' wings flapping ]
Uuh...
Hmm...
Oh.
Oh.
[ both muttering ]
BOTH:
Ha!
Damn it!
[ both muttering ]
The mechanism.
BOTH:
Ha!
[ grunts ]
[ grunts ]
[ panting ]
[ clears throat ]
Well, uh...
Good effort, sir.
Well done.
Well done.
[ laughs ]
Nobody
can stop me!
l'm gonna
kill you all!
Won't anyone
save us?!
[ gasps ]
Dr. Manhattan!
[ electricity crackling ]
[ zap! ]
You are safe now.
Mm! Thanks!
[ laughs ]
Ooh. Yeah.
Safe now.
[ clears throat ]
Hello?!
Teendream94?
You here?
Why don't
you have a seat,
Mr. Goldschmidt?
What --
Who are you?
Chris Hansen,
''Dateline NBC.''
Oh.
Well, good for you.
Where's Teendream94?
There is no Teendream94.
lt was a
sting operation.
What the hell?
Are you serious?!
l took a day off
of work for this!
And l blew, like,
half a tank of
gas driving
over here!
You idiots better
reimburse me!
What?
Y-you must be joking.
l'm a lawyer, pal!
l'm suing
you for fraud!
By the time l'm done,
l'm gonna
own NBC Universal!
ln the case of
Goldschmidt vs. Hansen,
NBC news, and
NBC Universal,
jury finds in
favor of the predator.
What?!
[ horn honks ]
[ tires screech ]
Hey, Hansen!
Like the new ride?
That's my Escalade!
Hi, dad!
Bobby?!
What are you
doing in there?
Just giving
your teenage son
a lift to
soccer practice.
We'll probably
take the long way home.
Don't wait up!
[ tires screech ]
[ screams ]
As you know,
l'm now majority
shareholder of
NBC Universal.
That means
a change in
philosophy.
Let's see some
predator-friendly
programming.
On ''Friday Night Lights,''
we're
gonna be
spending a lot more
time in the
locker room.
A lot more time!
l've got four words for you,
Mr. Goldschmidt --
Sweaty...
Teen.... Boy...
Olympics.
- ''Law & Order:
Special Victims Unit'' will now
be more of a comedy.
[ buzz ]
Sorry, l'm
needed in the
intern harem.
Let's reconvene in 30.
l really don't
like working
here anymore.
l do!
l'm the executive
who secretly
knocked up
Jamie Lynn.
Best job ever!
[ toilet flushes ]
Hey.
Here we go.
Bad news,
fellow adventurers.
Barry has bailed.
But Barry is our
Dungeon Master!
What could be
more important?!
He said he
has a date.
[ laughs ]
As if!
l mean, who
would date Barry?!
Back to ''A Shot
at Love With Tila Tequila.''
Choose me, Tila.
Choose me!
Choose me!
Choose me!
Choose me!
Choose me!
This is my
big chance.
Luckily l have
been saving an
adventure --
A masterpiece
months in
the design and
planning --
for just such an occasion!
[ gasps ]
Awesome!
Here goes.
''You find
yourselves in a dark,
mysterious dungeon!''
Oh, real original.
Let me guess.
There's also a
dragon in there?
Uh! Uh,
of course not!
No, that's
ridiculous!
A dragon?
What l meant to
say is you find
yourselves
in a dark,
mysterious, uh,
mega dungeon!
What?!
No way!
For this adventure,
l select
my Elven Spellthief.
Wait!
My elven bodybuilder
Spellthief!
l choose my
goblin fashion model.
She has a recording
contract and
a recurring role
in a goblin
prime-time
drama.
Are those boobs
real or an
elaborate
illusion spell?
To find out,
l roll for ''grope''!
Ooh, 1 1 , a very
sexy number.
[ laughs ]
l cast
''testicular rupture!''
Ohh!
Fire crotch!
You are attacked
by a grue!
[ grue roars ]
l fire an arrow!
Arrows are
no good against
his
leathery hide!
No! No!
Yeah, baby!
lntroducing
King Kickass!
♪ Everyone who
plays this queer
game has
two vaginas ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
Three, two, one,
awesome!
[ zap! ]
Get out of here,
Munson!
Your elf
appears to have
popped a boner
when he witnessed
the abs of
King Kickass!
He did not!
You don't even
know how to play!
Actually, his
character sheet
appears to
be in order.
Um, well, we
do need another player.
Ugh!
[ panting ]
Fine!
You now
enter the inner
sanctum!
Your goal is
finally in sight --
a treasure chest!
Pbht,
predictable.
However, the
treasure chest
is guarded
by an Owlbear!
lt commands
an army of
Monkeybees!
Hmm, shaking
the dust off a few
relics, l see.
Sorry, Dungeon Master,
but those
ridiculous beasts
can't match up
to a team of,
uh...
uh --
[ owlbear roaring ]
Where did Stacey
and Munson go?!
Munson said
something about
banging fingers
in your parents'
bedroom.
Shall we watch
''Tila Tequila''?
Yes.
Want to borrow a sock?
Yes.
♪ Ba-bawk
bawk bawk ♪
♪ Ba-bawk
bawk bawk ♪
♪ Ba-bawk bawk
bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪
♪ Ba-bawk
bawk bawk ♪
♪ Ba-bawk
bawk bawk ♪
♪ Ba-bawk bawk
bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪
♪ Ba-bawk
bawk bawk ♪
♪ Ba-bawk
bawk bawk ♪
♪ Ba-bawk bawk
bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪
Ba-gawk! Bawk.
[ drilling, sawing ]
[ electricity crackling ]
lt's alive!
[ humming ]
Ugh! Oh!
l'm such an idiot!
l'm melting!
Melting!
Sorry, guys.
We're full up.
[ techno music plays ]
Oh, come on!
[ tires screech ]
[ computer beeping ]
[ engine revs ]
[ tires screech ]
[ engine revs ]
Ugh!
[ glass shatters ]
Oh, glass.
Damn it!
[ grunting ]
Ugh!
[ clang! ]
[ panting ]
[ grunts ]
Ugh!
You can't be serious.
Scandal!
World wildlife
fund managers
discovered today
the fund has
been completely
emptied.
Where did
the money?
Accountants
are struggling to
solve the mystery.
[ dance music playing ]
[ gasps ]
[ music stops ]
[ chimps chattering ]
[ chimp shrieks ]
[ dance music playing ]
$45,000 going
once, $45,000
going twice,
and sold to the
bidder in the rear!
[ elephant trumpets ]
Oh, my God!
[ indistinct shouting ]
[ dance music plays ]
[ chimps shrieking ]
There you go,
Bill Gates.
Okay,
Bill Gates, the kids
from NS YNC,
Richard Branson, and
what l guess is
Michael Jackson
are already
aboard the world's
first space
billionaires flight.
Anyone missing?
Um...
The Chinese guy, Ling-Ling.
Oh,
this must be him.
[ glass shatters ]
[ dance music plays ]
[ people cheering ]
All right,
let's do this.
Come on. Try.
Ahoy.
Thar be boobies.
You're ruining it!
l want you to
take me, like
Captain Jack Sparrow.
l thought that
character was a chick.
This is my fantasy.
Try to be realistic.
[ harp plays ]
[ cockney accent ]
Are you
ready to be ravaged,
me lady?
lt is quite
humid south of
the equator,
my Captain.
Oh, oh, don't
mind the little
stowaways,
my darling.
Ew. Lice?
No Pantene on
the seven seas!
[ spits ]
Oh, my god!
l've been brushing
my teeth
with rum and
brine for close to
20 years,
my little siren.
Pay it no mind.
l don't know
if l'm ready for this.
Then l should
warn you.
l haven't a memory
of me last wash.
You might find
my balls have the
scent of vinegar
fermenting in feta cheese.
Ugh! Oh!
l c-- l can't.
l can't.
Wait, my dear.
lt's hard to
give chase, what
with the
horrific and
debilitating
rickets that
affected ocean-
bound travelers
of that time!
You know what?
lf you're not
gonna take this
serious, then
we're not gonna do it.
[ normal voice ]
What?!
You said
be realistic!
Sir, the whole
boat is rigged
to explode.
And l found this.
Greetings from the Joker!
Why so serious?
Anyway, we
have a boat of
civilians and a
boat of prison inmates.
l will blow up
both boats at midnight!
Oh, my God!
However, each
boat has a
detonator that
will blow up the
opposite boat.
lf one boat
decides to blow
up the other
boat prior to
midnight, l will
not blow up the
boat that blows
up the other
boat.
lt's quite the
moral quandary,
is it not?
T-then let's
vote on neither
boat blowing up.
No, he says
we decide!
Then l decide
neither boat blows up!
Wait, wait.
So we vote?
No, we --
we just press the
button, l think.
l don't understand!
What does this
prove exactly?
Uh,
Mr. Joker, sir?
We came to
a consensus.
We vote that neither
boat should blow up.
Yeah!
Very good.
That's my vote.
That's not a choice!
Uh, you better
explain it
again, then,
l guess.
[ sighs ]
l will blow up
both the boats.
My God!
Unless --
unless one boat
blows up the
other boat first.
Uh, w-what
are the other
options?
There are no
other options.
Ask him when
both boats blow up.
Midnight!
Midnight! Midnight!
All right, folks,
that gives
us a good
15 minutes.
Everyone into
the lifeboats.
No!
No lifeboats!
l said that you
couldn't use them!
You never said that!
l did!
Way back in
the beginning!
You'd better go
over the rules again.
Oh, for --
it's a catch-22!
Look, there
are two boats!
At midnight --
Good day, sir.
And good
day to you.
Yes.
Let's begin.
BOTH:
Ha!
[ birds' wings flapping ]
Uuh...
Hmm...
Oh.
Oh.
[ both muttering ]
BOTH:
Ha!
Damn it!
[ both muttering ]
The mechanism.
BOTH:
Ha!
[ grunts ]
[ grunts ]
[ panting ]
[ clears throat ]
Well, uh...
Good effort, sir.
Well done.
Well done.
[ laughs ]
Nobody
can stop me!
l'm gonna
kill you all!
Won't anyone
save us?!
[ gasps ]
Dr. Manhattan!
[ electricity crackling ]
[ zap! ]
You are safe now.
Mm! Thanks!
[ laughs ]
Ooh. Yeah.
Safe now.
[ clears throat ]
Hello?!
Teendream94?
You here?
Why don't
you have a seat,
Mr. Goldschmidt?
What --
Who are you?
Chris Hansen,
''Dateline NBC.''
Oh.
Well, good for you.
Where's Teendream94?
There is no Teendream94.
lt was a
sting operation.
What the hell?
Are you serious?!
l took a day off
of work for this!
And l blew, like,
half a tank of
gas driving
over here!
You idiots better
reimburse me!
What?
Y-you must be joking.
l'm a lawyer, pal!
l'm suing
you for fraud!
By the time l'm done,
l'm gonna
own NBC Universal!
ln the case of
Goldschmidt vs. Hansen,
NBC news, and
NBC Universal,
jury finds in
favor of the predator.
What?!
[ horn honks ]
[ tires screech ]
Hey, Hansen!
Like the new ride?
That's my Escalade!
Hi, dad!
Bobby?!
What are you
doing in there?
Just giving
your teenage son
a lift to
soccer practice.
We'll probably
take the long way home.
Don't wait up!
[ tires screech ]
[ screams ]
As you know,
l'm now majority
shareholder of
NBC Universal.
That means
a change in
philosophy.
Let's see some
predator-friendly
programming.
On ''Friday Night Lights,''
we're
gonna be
spending a lot more
time in the
locker room.
A lot more time!
l've got four words for you,
Mr. Goldschmidt --
Sweaty...
Teen.... Boy...
Olympics.
- ''Law & Order:
Special Victims Unit'' will now
be more of a comedy.
[ buzz ]
Sorry, l'm
needed in the
intern harem.
Let's reconvene in 30.
l really don't
like working
here anymore.
l do!
l'm the executive
who secretly
knocked up
Jamie Lynn.
Best job ever!
[ toilet flushes ]
Hey.
Here we go.
Bad news,
fellow adventurers.
Barry has bailed.
But Barry is our
Dungeon Master!
What could be
more important?!
He said he
has a date.
[ laughs ]
As if!
l mean, who
would date Barry?!
Back to ''A Shot
at Love With Tila Tequila.''
Choose me, Tila.
Choose me!
Choose me!
Choose me!
Choose me!
Choose me!
This is my
big chance.
Luckily l have
been saving an
adventure --
A masterpiece
months in
the design and
planning --
for just such an occasion!
[ gasps ]
Awesome!
Here goes.
''You find
yourselves in a dark,
mysterious dungeon!''
Oh, real original.
Let me guess.
There's also a
dragon in there?
Uh! Uh,
of course not!
No, that's
ridiculous!
A dragon?
What l meant to
say is you find
yourselves
in a dark,
mysterious, uh,
mega dungeon!
What?!
No way!
For this adventure,
l select
my Elven Spellthief.
Wait!
My elven bodybuilder
Spellthief!
l choose my
goblin fashion model.
She has a recording
contract and
a recurring role
in a goblin
prime-time
drama.
Are those boobs
real or an
elaborate
illusion spell?
To find out,
l roll for ''grope''!
Ooh, 1 1 , a very
sexy number.
[ laughs ]
l cast
''testicular rupture!''
Ohh!
Fire crotch!
You are attacked
by a grue!
[ grue roars ]
l fire an arrow!
Arrows are
no good against
his
leathery hide!
No! No!
Yeah, baby!
lntroducing
King Kickass!
♪ Everyone who
plays this queer
game has
two vaginas ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
Three, two, one,
awesome!
[ zap! ]
Get out of here,
Munson!
Your elf
appears to have
popped a boner
when he witnessed
the abs of
King Kickass!
He did not!
You don't even
know how to play!
Actually, his
character sheet
appears to
be in order.
Um, well, we
do need another player.
Ugh!
[ panting ]
Fine!
You now
enter the inner
sanctum!
Your goal is
finally in sight --
a treasure chest!
Pbht,
predictable.
However, the
treasure chest
is guarded
by an Owlbear!
lt commands
an army of
Monkeybees!
Hmm, shaking
the dust off a few
relics, l see.
Sorry, Dungeon Master,
but those
ridiculous beasts
can't match up
to a team of,
uh...
uh --
[ owlbear roaring ]
Where did Stacey
and Munson go?!
Munson said
something about
banging fingers
in your parents'
bedroom.
Shall we watch
''Tila Tequila''?
Yes.
Want to borrow a sock?
Yes.
♪ Ba-bawk
bawk bawk ♪
♪ Ba-bawk
bawk bawk ♪
♪ Ba-bawk bawk
bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪
♪ Ba-bawk
bawk bawk ♪
♪ Ba-bawk
bawk bawk ♪
♪ Ba-bawk bawk
bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪
♪ Ba-bawk
bawk bawk ♪
♪ Ba-bawk
bawk bawk ♪
♪ Ba-bawk bawk
bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪
Ba-gawk! Bawk.