Roadkill (2012–2020): Season 3, Episode 10 - Roadkill - full transcript

- This time on Roadkill we
went on our Facebook page

and we told some people "You know what?

"Meet us right here at this parking lot

"'cause we're going to buy a car

"and road trip it from
Indy all the way to Tulsa."

And these guys showed up.

(crowd cheers)

(heavy rock music)

We're here, nearby Indy, about
four miles from the dragstrip

where the NHRA US Nationals are going on

and we got to buy a car.



So, we invited a bunch
of fans to come out here

and meet us in this parking lot

and bring their cars out.

I've got a pocket full of cash

and we're going to go home with
one of these junkers over here.

- We could get into a lot
of trouble with $5,000.

- (laughs) Why are we buying a car?

- Should be at the strip club.

Let's go 'cause I see cool stuff.

- [Voicover] If you can get people

to ditch work, ditch school,

and show up to a Walmart
parking lot on Monday

just to sell you a car they
really don't want to sell,

you're probably doing something right



with your little online show.

- [Voiceover] About 12 guys
showed up with cars for sale,

which is super cool.

And even cooler, there
was a big crowd of people

who just came out to see
what was going to happen,

and brought their own rides with 'em.

- [Voiceover] A few of
the cars we passed on were

a diesel-powered Mercedes,

an all-wheel-drive Honda with a six speed,

an old Monza, a rotary-powered RX7,

a third-gen Camaro, a Fox Body Mustang

that even had a spare
roll cage in the back.

There was some good iron here,

but none of that stuff was cool enough

to go on this road-trip.

- [Voiceover] Ultimately, we
narrowed it down to four cars.

There was a 67 Ford Country Sedan.

Which is pretty much a
Galaxy station wagon.

It had a 390 under the
hood, and automatic.

No power steering, no power brakes,

this thing was on.

- [David] This is way too good for us.

- Yeah, a door could
fall off any minute Now.

- Let me guess, you have to pull up

on the column shifter to get it to start?

- [Voiceover] Yeah,
yeah, how did you know?

- It's a 67 Ford.

I don't know, that's going
to be hard to contend with.

Man.

Oh dude.

This is mint.

- I'm falling in love,
we need to move away

- I know.

- We need to move away.
- I'm falling in love.

- We need to move away
'cause this is too big.

We could be done right now.

- [Voiceover] There was Sudden Death,

the off-road built Ford
LTD that was just nutso.

(engine starts and revs)

- That's the quietest, like,
front-muffler-mounted car

I've ever heard in my life.

- We'll cut 'em off.

- I don't know, this is pretty Roadkill.

Dude, what are you trying to sell me here?

Don't you see the rust?

- [Voiceover] No, all I
see is awesome exhaust.

I don't see anything else.

- Okay, all right.

- [David] That's pretty good.

- [Mike] We'll be back.
- [David] What else we got?

- [Mike] Yeah, we'll be back.

- [Voiceover] Then there was the limo.

- [Voiceover] Not a full on stretch limo,

but a Cadillac production
limo with a 472 in it.

- Not bad, a little rust.

- A little rust.

- Did you see the dash in this thing?

It's like new.

Interior is actually pretty good.

- If we buy this, you're
driving the entire time,

and I'm riding in the back.

Truly like new.

Does it do burnouts?

- You got to lean on it.

- Yeah, but yeah.

- Yeah, all right we
need to keep shopping,

'cause there's a three-way tie happening.

- [David] Yup, three way.

- Stay tuned.

- Awesome.

- [David] Tell us your story.

- This is a one owner car, low miles.

(all laughing)

- [Voiceover] Then there was the S10,

and we were taking that
thing pretty seriously

because, well, look at it.

And it had a V8 under the hood

and it was loud and ultimately
it does good burnouts.

- How much is this one?

(both laughing)

- You drive a hard bargain.

- Oh, that was the best thing

I've heard all day.

So, this versus Hookers and Blow,

Certain Death, and the wagon.

I'm more into the wagon than I am the S15.

- Well, the S15 has more character,

like from a complete piece
of junk point of view.

It has Sawzall-ing the roof off of it.

It has putting nitrous on it.

We can run that into stuff.

- I didn't even think
about how crappy it was

and it didn't matter what we did to it.

- Right. With that one
you know the whole time

you'd listen to me whining about

"Oh, we can't drill a hole in this.

"We can't run this into a tree."

That one is just going to be a cruiser.

Let's talk about Certain
Death for a second.

Most of what we would like
to do is already done.

We can't really take the credit for it.

But see, we could add our
own little something to it.

We could go get some house paint.

- Ah, it's got such a
good look though, I mean.

- [David] All right, so then,
how about Hookers and Blow?

- I love it.

Not the hookers and blow,
I mean, I love the car.

The car's good.
- Yeah.

- [Mike] The lazy man in me says

"I want to ride all the way to Tulsa

"in the backseat of that while you drive."

- I'm really torn.

Personally, I would say I
most want to own the wagon.

I most probably want
to drive Certain Death.

- This is hard.

- Man, we're indecisive.

- Like, none of these will suck.

This will all be amazing.

- We could find somebody to pick for us.

- I like that plan.

- How 'about him?
- All right.

- [David] Which one would you pick?

Oh wait, you're influencing.

- I said the Cadillac or the wagon.

- [David] Okay, Cadillac or wagon?

Which way would you go?

Wagon? Okay.

Wagon or pickup truck?

- Wagon or pickup truck, which one?

- Wagon, okay.
- All right.

- Wagon or LTD?

Okay, we're getting the wagon.

We're getting the wagon, all right.

- Okay.

- Thanks little man.

Thank you for helping us.

- You're going to be on the episode.

- Keep looking out.

We bought ourselves a station wagon.

And I'm now tempted to drive it

all the way back to California

for the birth of my child.

- We use it a few times a year.

Me and my buddies will go to the races

and we go to car shows and stuff,

pile all in.

All right, whatever they
do I'm going to follow it.

And I can't wait.

- Well, we just bought this thing,

we've never seen it run,

so we figure we might as well give it

a brief once over before we hit the road.

OOOOO

- Wow.

I don't care, I got cookies.

Let's go.

- [David] You broke it already.

You threw coolant everywhere.

- [Mike] Hey, where'd that LTD go?

- Okay, so now all of you,

the next time you're
watching this show and you go

"I wonder if they fake that?"

(all laughing)

That's blowin' out of
this completely loose

hose clamp right here.

We'll even let you fix that.

- [Voiceover] All right.

- [Mike] All right, let's try it again.

Does it have reverse?

- [David] Yes!
- It has reverse.

- Bye!

Oh yeah!

- This is pretty awesome.

- [David] Okay.

You want the tire to pop?

- [Mike] Yeah.

- Nice.

Oh, that's good.

Right through the back window.

- It's like Cheech and Chong now.

(both laughing and coughing)

- [David] "It wasn't us officer.

"What are you talking about?"

(both laughing)

(coughing)

- [Voiceover] So, now we've got the wagon,

we've done a good burnout,
but the big question is,

what are we doing in Indy?

We are going to drive
one mile down the road

and go to the NHRA US Nationals.

- All right, let's merge.

- Wow.

Oh, carbon monoxide death!

- We need to get that back window up.

- We're going to be
puttin' the back window up,

or Lexaning it, or somethin'.

There's as much smoke in here
as when we did the burnout.

(coughing)

This thing cruises though.

- All my dreams are coming true.

We got to station wagon.

Going to the US Nationals.

Not bad.

- And we have chocolate chip cookies.

- [Voiceover] I've never
been to the Big Go.

I've never been to Indy
during an NHRA national event,

so this was huge for me.

All these crew chiefs
and drivers and owners

that I have watched on
television since I was a kid

were now feet away from
me on the starting line.

- Look at the whole John Force...

Like, one, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight.

(engine revving)

- Oh my god, that's awesome.

(rock music)

This might be the best day at work ever.

- Yeah.

- [Voiceover] If you watched
episode 27 of Roadkill

then you know that we met Don Schumacher,

and that was way back
in like April of 2014.

- Well, we're hoping to
go see Don Schmacher,

who we met in the Corvette episode,

and we're hoping he
actually lets us in his pits

because we flaked on
him at least three times

when we promised him we
were going to show up.

(horn beeps)

You know you're big time

when you get a police
escort through the pits.

- So, a large sea of people,
I only know one of them.

- Good to see ya?

- How you doin' man?

- I'm doin' good.

Doin' good.
- How are ya?

- [David] How are ya?

- Welcome to my office away from home.

- [David] I was going to
say you probably live here

more than home.

- Come on, I'll show
you around a little bit.

Each area has its own set of tools.

Massive amounts of
parts, and pieces, and...

(both) Yeah, wow.

- [Don] There is another motor back there.

- [David] Yeah.
- [Mike] just got motors

under the cabinets.

- [David] Sittin' around.

- Well, he probably got eight
to 10 short blocks here.

I think we have another chassis
upstairs, with body on it,

the short body, get it ready to go.

- And the same for every team right?

- Yeah.
You know,

if you've guys went
down the road with this,

you could fix whatever you broke.

- [Mike] Yeah, we wouldn't have a show.

- [Voiceover] Not only did
Don let us hang out in his pit

and feed us,

but we got to hang out
with a few of his drivers.

Including Spencer Massey,
who races top fuel dragster.

And Matt Hagan, who races funny car.

Both of these guys drive cars with

10,000 horsepower under the hoods.

And that are capable of traveling across

a racing surface that's
a thousand feet long

at over 320 miles an hour.

(engines revving)

- Dude, look.

It's Don Schumacher and
he just gave me a pass,

and now we're going to the starting line

at the US freaking Nationals.

- [Voiceover] It was
just a thrill to be able

to hang out with Don Schumacher.

It was just a good time.

(country rock music)

(engine revving)

- It's about 3:45 here in Indy

and all of Don Schumacher's
teams have lost.

Which is a drag for him,
but it's good for us

'cause we're going to
get a tour of his shop

right down the road here in Indy.

But first, Finnegan's
going to fix the glass

in the back of the wagon,

'cause the carbon monoxide
in this thing is killing us.

It's worse than that 'cuda
that we drove in Texas.

Absolutely brutal.

So, we got to roll the glass up.

So, let's just tape this now.

- [Mike] We need it and tape it?

- Yeah.

- I declare this car road-worthy.

It's not as bad.

- I smell it.
- I smell it,

but it's not as bad.

How much do you think
we've shortened our lives

by doing Roadkill?

Just from the amount of
carbon monoxide we've inhaled.

- But, how much have we
extended our own glory?

- Dead Legends?

- Yeah.

- That's cool.

Oh, except for the parts when
we got to lay under this car,

this is going to be comfortable.

- [David] Man, this is lap of luxury.

- [Mike] Oh, there it is.

- Yup.

I guess it's right there.
- Holy crap.

- [David] Hard to miss.

- [Voiceover] If you
died and went to Heaven,

Don's shop would look a lot like

what your garage would look like.

Floors you could eat off of,

'cause they were that clean.

CNC machine equipment.

Chucks of billet everywhere

that you could turn into engine blocks

or cylinder heads.

And oh yeah, the building is so big,

that you could pull the
semi-tractor trailers

of all six of his racing
teams inside the building,

roll out all the cars, set up the pits,

and maintain 'em right there.

- [Voiceover] The thing I
liked most was the blower dyno.

This thing was so complicated,

I could not tell exactly
what they were doin' here.

And so we had one of the crew
chiefs come in and explain it.

Basically, they use this electric motor

to get the thing spinning up at speed

and then bam, they've got a clutch in it

that engages this engine

and instantly takes that
blower from idle speed

up to 8,000 RPM.

Mind blowing stuff here.

- [Mike] Hell of a tour.
- [David] Thanks a lot,

that was great.

- [Mike] Not a bad day.

- [David] Do you think about

what other people must think of our jobs?

It's pretty ludicrous.

You keep forgetting about
all the stuff in the back.

- [Mike] Did you see
what the car just did?

- [David] Yeah.

- [Voiceover] The fun of buying this car,

and the excitement of the US Nationals

immediately tapered down into about

the most quiet road trip we've ever had.

We took these tiny roads
heading out of Indianapolis,

making our way to Tulsa for
the start of Hot Rod Drag Week.

- [Voiceover] We took back roads,

that way we'd get to see America.

We'd see pawn shops, and
small auto parts stores,

and junk yards, and all those things

that we don't normally get to hang out at

during a typical Roadkill
when we're thrashing.

- [Voiceover] It gave me and Finnegan

a chance to talk about something more

than our imminent demise,
which is the norm for Roadkill.

- I'm getting kind of
attached to the wagon.

I feel spoiled.

- I don't want to get rid of the wagon.

I like it.

I'd like to make it spunkier though.

- How would you propose doing that?

- We don't just get nitrous bottles,

we get mother bottle, two of those.

Strap them to the roof,
- [David] Yeah.

- Y them together, and we have a 50 shot

that lasts for eight or nine miles.

That's never been done
before I don't think.

- Actually, what would make
you go faster at that point is

to put the mother bottles on the roof

with a nozzle pointing backwards

and just sledge hammer off the valve.

- The car, not to be judgmental,

has a little bit of rust, a
little bit of oxide in It...

- Yeah.

- And it would just rip
the roof off the car.

- It could happen, yeah.

- Instead of making the car go faster.

- Ratchet strap all
the way around the car.

- [Mike] Oh my god, I don't...

- [Voiceover] The trip
ended up being so caj,

we had time to bench race.

We stopped to see a buddy

and finally crash for the
night in New Baden Illinois

right across from St. Louis.

- [David] I can't believe I'm saying this,

but fire up the wipers.

- [Mike] Oh yeah, look at that.

See ya later lot lizards.

We're out.

- [Voiceover] When you think St. Louis,

you think Bigfoot.

- [David] There's no Bigfoot out front.

- [Mike] No, but there's a tank

with a Ford Aerostar body on it.

And I've watched that
run over cars before.

- [David] I got to tell ya,
kind of a let down. (whistles)

- Yeah.

- [David] Bob Chandler, you failed me.

You want to stop and let these people know

they're only going to be let down?

Look, you can see the look on her face.

She's going "That's not Bigfoot."

That's the Ford Aerostar
on a tank chassis.

(game show fail music)

(slow country rock music)

- [Voiceover] We stopped at a junkyard

which ended badly when we got threatened

by an old man with a steel pipe.

- The guy threatened us with a steel pipe.

Yeah, but do you want to deal with that?

The guy's obviously going
to continue comin' after us.

- That was crazy.

- [Voiceover] We bailed out of there,

and headed to Oak Grove Missouri

where we were going to visit with
some of our drag week racers.

- How ya been?

- [Mike] I've been good man.

- Hiya David. How are you?

I didn't expect to see you.
- [David] I'm great.

- We're at Todd Maschmeier's shop.

That's Todd there in the black shirt

and Travis Gilpin in the gray.

- [Voiceover] These guys
are totally Roadkill people.

'Cause anybody that has
the engine out of their car

and the cylinder heads off of it

two days before they're
supposed to be drag racing,

well, they'll hang out with us no problem.

Even if we didn't bring beer.

- Look at this over here.

That's an intake manifold,

and it didn't fit the cylinder heads,

and he could have very easily

put spacers underneath it to
make it fit the cylinder heads.

He didn't do that, he cut it in half,

welded it back together

and he's still got to machine it to fit,

but he's doing all of this with,

I don't know, two or three days left.

So, he definitely lives the Roadkill life.

- [Voiceover] Leaving Todd's place,

we knew we still needed to show you

some destruction on Roadkill.

And so here we present gratuitous shots

of a guy destroying a house.

(heavy rock music)

- [Voiceover] This is basically
an analogy of my career.

Yeah!

Woooo

- By now you're wondering

what's all the racket coming
from the front of the car.

This is Indy.

That's Jamie Hannan, the guy
from the Corvette episode

that sold us that piece of crap,

and he thought he'd be funny

when we weren't looking

by popping off the front-left hubcap

and throwing about 75 cents in it.

And we just decided to leave it in there

to see what happens to 75 cents

after about a thousand miles.

- Well, and to prove
him that we don't care.

- Nah.
- Yeah.

- HAHA.

- [Voiceover] So, after a
nice leisurely five day drive

with Freiburger in the wagon,

getting to drag week was a welcome change

because suddenly there was fury.

There was noise, there was smoke,

there was horsepower.

Everything that our trip was
lacking once we left Indy.

What better place than a
drag strip to go tailgating?

- [Mike] This car came with a barbecue,

it would be a crime not to use it.

- And, look what I got, ready?

- Oh, fire.

That's not good.

- No lighter fluid needed, says the bag.

You don't barbecue do you?

- [David] Why isn't it going foosh?

That's like California lighter fluid.

- [Voiceover] And if
your going to tailgate,

you might as well tailgate
at the finish line

because that's where all the action is.

(engines revving)

(rock music)

- [Voiceoveer] This is Hot Rod Drag Week.

Where we afflict RoadKill punishment

on a whole bunch of other people.

Most of whom have more skills than us.

This is where we take drag
racing street legal cars

and make them race five
times at four drag strips

in five days.

We add up their elapsed times

and the one with the
quickest overall wins.

But the battle is really on the road.

We make these cars drive
a thousand plus miles

from track to track along the way.

- [Voiceover] Once drag week began,

Freiburger and I split up.

He had one job to do, I had another,

and my job was to hang out in the pits

and check up on all the racers

and find out their stories.

It was to interview the guys

who were trying to
achieve personal ET goals.

Guys who were just tryin'
to get to the next track.

Guys who were tryin' to
keep their cars running.

People who were trying to
go fast in street cars.

This dude came all the way from Australia,

blew up the engine before
drag week even started,

and he's fixing it just
so he can make passes

even though he can't win this thing.

Very Roadkill.

Drag week rules because
it's Roadkill on steroids.

It's you versus the road.

You versus your car.

You need to summon all
of the MacGyver you have

in you to beat whatever
the road throws at you.

It's not just about going fast,

it's about getting to the finish line

no matter what happens.

And the guys that make it to the end,

are the baddest hot-rodders on the planet.

- [Voiceover] While Drag Week is one

of my favorite events of
the year, it is also work.

I've got a tech all these cars for class.

I got to shoot photos, direct
the web and video coverage.

And I announce in the booth all week long.

This thing is just awesome though.

I love Drag Week,

and this is the biggest
ever with 310 cars.

And the drama delivered.

First of all, remember Maschmeier,

the guy with the short block

not quite done four days before the event?

Well, they got their engine in the car.

They got it completely wired.

They showed up at Drag Week,

and unfortunately, failed
on their very first day,

and they were out.

But there was other Roadkill
guys who had big wins.

Specifically, Jeff and Jeffrey Lutz

in this pair of black 57 Chevys.

These guys were in the episode

where we put the
leaf-blowers on the Monza,

and we used their shop,

which is a complete juxtaposition
of these killer cars.

And Lutz won overall, with
his six second 57 Chevy

that became Hot Rod's fastest
street car in America.

- [Voiceover] Is that Jeff Lutz has won

the unlimited category,

has won the overall championship

at Drag Week in 2014, and
it was a seesaw battle.

- [Voiceover] The other
big deal at Drag Week

was Larry Larson.

He's won this thing five times in a row

and built this new S10
which is just crazy.

Unfortunately, he failed at
Drag Week by breakin' a part

and not being able to secure the win.

But, the next day, he
came out onto the track

during the Hot Rod Heads-Up Shootout

and laid down the single quickest pass

of all time for a street legal vehicle.

6:16 at 219 miles an hour.

In the end, we might not have broken down

at the side of the road.

We might not have done an engine swap

in the middle of nowhere,

but this was an awesome Roadkill.

We got a chance to hang
at the US Nationals

with one of the biggest
names in entire NHRA,

being Don Schumacher.

We met with drivers.

We had a great drive
through awesome Americana,

and we ended at one the most
bitchin' events of all time,

Hot Rod Drag Week.

And in its tenth year, Drag Week delivered

with some of the best drama ever.

We ended up leavin' our
wagon behind at the track,

and ultimately, one of the guys here

at the company bought the thing,

and we flew home ready
Roadkill another day.

- [David] What's wrong with
our world where, you know,

we keep all the clapped out,

blown up 50 GMC, Datson
240Z, crap that doesn't run.

Our prefectly good, virtually new,

one owner barn-find wagon?

Out of here.

- [Mike] Masochists.