Roadkill (2012–2020): Season 2, Episode 15 - Roadkill - full transcript

- We bought a $3,000 rat rod jeep.

Drove it from LA to the
Desert Bar in Park, Arizona.

And sold it to these guys for $407.

That's Finnegan economics.

(car engine revving)

- Yeah!

(car cranking noises)

(tires burning out)

(hard rock music)

(soft rock music)

- On this episode of Roadkill,



Freiburger wanted to go off-roading,

so he said buy a jeep and I did.

Just not the kind of
jeep he was expecting.

I bought this jeep in the
dark in the dead of winter,

and I parked it under a tarp
for the last three months.

Freiburger's never seen it,

I forget what it even looks like.

He's in for a hell of a surprise.

- This is going to be the
least organized Roadkill ever!

And that's saying something.

It's going to make a mosh pit

look like a precision military operation.

He bought something and
I have not even seen it.

So this is going to be bad.



- Wait 'til you see your new jeep.

- Hey.

- We're friends, right?

- This is the surprise?

- See your jeep.

(laughs)

- Okay?

- You wanted to go off-roading,

I know of a bar that you
can only get to by dirt,

and what better way to get
to the bar than in a jeep?

This is your jeep.

- It's a flat rod, isn't it?

Jeep rod!

- She's not quite ready
to go for a test drive.

- Whoa, it's cool.

- It's cool for a minute until

you really start staring at her.

- Oh, it's a MB!

It's a genuine World War II grill, anyway.

Huh, this tire's touching this fender.

- It's got airbags, it lifts up.

- Great, that always works out well.

- [Mike] As long as they never
leak, that's not a problem.

And because it's sat here for three months

and I haven't looked at it, it's puked

all the guts out of the
tranny onto the pavement here.

So we're going to have to remedy that.

- Oh, good.

- And, uh--

- That's not that much, it'll be fine.

- And there's no
compressor for the airbag,

so we're going to have to rig something up

a la ranchero style.

- Chevy. Does it run good?

- No, it needs a tune-up.

We need to, obviously, top off the fluids.

It needs a cotter pin for
every single castle nut.

I am a little concerned about the fact

that the airbags are mounted
single-shear, no gussets.

- [David] This is ugly.

- But I think if we put
fluids in it and cotter pins--

- It can't weigh in it.

- Get air in the bags,
we can at least go drive

down the street and see if it'll make it.

- [David] Where are we going?

- [Mike] We are going
to the Nellie E. Saloon,

a bar in the Buckskin
Mountains in Park, Arizona,

that you can only get to on a dirt trail.

- I don't know if you noticed,

but those are not BFG mud terrains.

- Well, I mean, we're not rock crawling

but it is, you know,
we may high-center her.

- It looks cool.

- It's got style.

It has no substance though.

- So where do we begin, does it run?

- I don't know, it's been three
months since I've seen it.

Crank it over.

- No.

- Usual, the batteries dead.

Air compressor, lift it off the ground.

Fluids, get a battery, test drive.

(hard rock music)

I get the feeling that
we buy the same stuff

over and over again every time we do this.

- Yeah, how many jacks have
we bought for Roadkill?

- I don't understand why
they won't let us take

brake clean and jack handles on airplanes.

- It has oil, with only
a little water in it.

- Over by the beach, there's
a lot of condensation.

- Tastes okay.

I'm the editor of Hot Rod Magazine,

but a lot of people don't
know that I was also

the editor of 4-Wheel and
Off-Road for a long time.

I'm really a hardcore off-road guy,

and especially a hardcore jeep guy.

I've got like seven
flat fender jeep bodies

and half-rollers and all sorts of stuff

sitting around my house

and I've always wanted to do this to one.

Well, not exactly like this,
but make a hot rod out of it.

Oh, I can get the front
wheels off the ground.

Check it!

- You can watch the shock mount
bend as you're doing that.

- [David] Look at the front axle.

Look at the rotation on it.

Oh, we're dead.

I've been 260 miles an hour in a Camaro,

I'm more scared of that.

- The first time I welded on my mini-truck

right after high school, it looked better

than what I'm seeing under here.

(engine cranking)

- Yeah!

- You realize nothing about this is,

even the button to start it...

(engine revving)

- It runs bad.

So that needs a little bit of attention.

(both laugh)

- [Mike] We only had two
days to get to Parker

and this was going to be the last day

of the year that the Desert Bar was open.

We found out there actually
was a compressor on-board

and we got some air into the rear bags,

but we had to make the engine run right

and it did not help that
the firing order was wrong.

I've seen sketchier hot rods in my life,

I just haven't driven them.

- Two cylinders were switched,

I have a feeling that's not going to fix

everything on this pile, though.

- [Mike] The airbag is rubbing the frame

and the shock is hitting the airbag now.

So as we drive down the road,
that airbag rubbing there,

rubber against steel,
puts a hole in that bag,

and then that blows and we crash.

- We've got to re-drill this

to move this airbag further outboard.

Riding in this might be so miserable

that you just crave the relief

that only sweet death can bring.

(laughs)

- Getting the shock out of the way,

so that we can cut this
part of the mount off

that's wedging itself into the shock.

- [David] This mount
that I can flex by hand.

- [Mike] I was thinking to myself,

"Why does this look weird to me?"

And I walked over here and I went,

"Oh, the shocks installed upside down."

- [David] The bat wing doohickey here

is hitting the shock body,
so when the axle twists

like this, which we know it
does, because it's a mess,

it's going to bend and
bind that whole shock.

So that's why we're putting
it back upside down right now.

- You're supposed to put
spacers in between them

when you weld them together
so that they don't do that.

He didn't do that.

We put band-aids on the suspensions,

tuned the engine as best we could,

topped off the fluids, and then
it was time to hit the road.

- Ready for first test drive?

- Why does the steering
wheel have to be this large?

- It's a stock, cheap wheel, it's good.

- Uh, it's not good,
'cause the brake pedal is,

okay, so that's what
I'm going to have to do

to get to the brakes.

This is the Sailor Jerry
car without a roof!

Look at this!

- [David] It is!

(laidback instrumental music)

I'm more comfortable in
the rat rod, significantly.

- Well that's because
you're not over here.

You don't have a steering
wheel in your crotch.

When I run into the back of a semi...

- [David] Let's go.

- We're leaving in the middle of traffic,

you know that, right?

- The slow speed will save us, okay.

So much for talking to each other.

- What? Yeah, it's great, I know!

- This is not connected
to anything, you know.

- But it feels better using it, you know.

- Okay, yeah.

- Is there any brake fluid in this thing?

- There was.

- Because I'm having to
use both feet to stop.

- Oh yeah, we've never
tried to stop before.

- No.

- Will it stop?

Oh, it's fine.

- Yeah, with two feet.

- [David] We can make it
the whole way like this.

Runs good! Sort of.

- It just set off a car alarm.

(both laugh)

Here we go, ready?

Woohoo!

Oh my God, that's loud!

No turn signals.

- It's surprisingly slow, too.

Not that I'm challenging you.

- Oh wait, we're in the wrong lane.

Get back over.

- You want to know what death looks like?

This is what death looks like!

(both laugh)

- [Mike] Oh shit, this is going to hurt.

- Oh, railroad tracks!

- Hold on!

- [Both] Oh!

- Okay, going to test the brakes now.

I had to push my knee down to make

the brake pedal work good.

This thing's hater proof.

- Dude!

That was bank!

(laughs)

Oh, you're getting flame!

Whoa! Couple bumps here.

- It doesn't brake straight.

We headed back to the office to meet up

with our official naysayer, KJ Jones

from 5.0 Mustang magazine.

Look at all that travel.

- Nah, bro. No.

- No?

- No, no. This is going to break.

- You don't like the Batman theme--

- This is going to break surely, man,

look at this right here!

- What are you saying?

- Come on, Dave.

Come on, bro, it's got a ladder bar, man.

- Yeah, but they're attached well.

(laughs)

- No (bleep) way.

- [Dave] Then there's this problem.

(laughs)

- You guys have really done it this time.

- [David] So while KJ headed inside

to take out a life insurance policy on us,

we needed to go to a local hardware store

and fix the suspension
before hitting the road.

But first, we were going to live up

to one of Finnegan's dreams and take

one of our utter piles of garbage

and valet it at a high-end restaurant.

(classical violin music)

- Oh yeah, I like this place.

I'm going to eat good tonight.

You sure you know how to work it?

Who can blame the valet guy

for not wanting to park this thing?

He was a bit confused when he went

to put the ticket on our windshield

and discovered we didn't have one.

- We lost our window.

(both laughing)

- [David] This is swank.

- [Mike] Well, we had to celebrate.

- When we've done Roadkill
with beater vehicles

for like the past year, every single time

we've wanted to go through
the high-end valet,

so we finally did it at
that steakhouse back there,

and they were unphased.

But now, we're at the hardware store,

because we still have to
fix the ladder bar mount

and ratchet strap down
our junk, and what else?

Fluids, gas, again?

- That junk's fine, but yeah,

let's go get some stuff
to hold things together.

Most of the bolts have nyloc nuts

which are great for holding
things together that vibrate,

except when the bolt
doesn't protrude all the way

out to the end of the nut,
so the nyloc can grab it,

they tend to fall apart,
and when they fall apart

on a suspension, you die.

So, we're going to remedy that
situation with longer bolts.

- It's 9 PM on day one,
we've gone one mile.

We're continuing to wrench on the jeep.

Remains to be seen if we're
going to hit the road tonight

or we're going to end up
hitting it in the morning.

- [Mike] It was late and
we had to hit the sack.

No one took it, dang it!

- I don't think they could
figure out how to work it.

- Did you call your wife and
say it's been nice knowing you?

- Yeah, I called her and I
said, "You'll be happy to know

"that all the work we did
yesterday wasn't for speed

"or efficiency, it was just to make sure

"we didn't die today."

And she thanked me, because
she said she'd like to have

another child and she wants that child

to have the same father.

All those rabbit turds
in the bottom of this car

make me feel like I need more
safety equipment than usual.

Protect my hearing so I
can hear my baby someday.

All right, ready?

Can you even hear me?

- [David] No, that's the
good part about that.

- [Mike] I'm going full-on Darth Vader.

- Good to go.

- Oh yeah, this is comfortable.

- This is like going on
the freeway in a skateboard

with a Briggs & Stratton on the back.

- [Mike] Woohoo!

- I can't hear you.

I think this is the first time in my life

I've wished for heavy traffic.

- 3.18 gallons.

- [David] And 51 miles.

What do you think, keep it or sell it?

- I'm going to have a lot
of fun getting to the bar,

after that, I don't need
to drive this ever again.

(both laugh)

I'm fine with disposing it.

So here's what we do, right?

We turn on Glimpse, so
people can follow us,

but they don't know where we're going

and we tell them, "Follow us to this bar,

"whoever is in this seat at last call,"

which is six o'clock
at this particular bar,

"has to pay our tab and
they can take it home."

- Right now, it makes me kind of sad

to think of it being gone,
but after another 400 miles,

I'm thinking I'm anxious for that.

So, I'm going to put it on Facebook,

we're just saying, "You got to
follow us or figure it out."

- Yeah, we're going to "a" bar.

- [David] We're going to "a" bar.

- [Mike] We really weren't
sure how many people

were going to show up to buy this jeep,

but within an hour we actually had

500 people following us online.

Woohoo!

- [David] Finnegan seemed happy to drive

and I think it's because there's

a steering wheel to hold onto.

You don't sit in this
thing, you sit on it.

And there's one of a hundred
things that could break

on this thing, and then just throw us

right out onto the pavement.

There's oil on the floor!

- Coming up from the floor?

- Coming out of the crack, right there.

- Not down the fire wall, from the bottom?

- Yeah.

- How's that possible?

That kind of looks pink.

- Yeah, it's the transmission fluid.

- All right.

- Transmission fluid catches on fire.

That'll be fun.

- We'll just drive faster.

- [David] It'll blow it out.

- [Mike] No, semi, and go!

(patriotic music)

- [David] At one time, this was

the world's largest military installation.

It went from here in California
all the way to Arizona.

It's where Patton trained
like a million guys

to go fight in Africa.

And a lot of the surplus jeeps

in California came out of here.

This is a genuine World War II jeep,

it's like a '41 to '45,

which you know because
it has a different grill,

blackout lights, the hood
doesn't say "wheelies"

like the civilian ones do.

Bantam initially came up with the design

for the World War II jeep,

and they were too small to do it,

and so Willys ended up
getting the contract,

and they were too small to build them,

so the government actually had Ford

make a bunch of them, too.

This could be a Ford, so yeah.

It's a Willys or a Ford.

It's a hot rod.

(guitar strumming music)

- [David] We were
cruising down the highway

at the end of the day, and getting passed

by every car, and I'm even falling asleep,

so I pulled over to hand
the keys to Finnegan,

and what does he do?

Gets us stuck, immediately,
on flat ground.

How pathetic that a jeep is stuck, here.

- This jeep sucks, man.

- See, this is why the jeep rod
concept is completely wrong,

'cause you remove the front axle,

you make it two-wheel drive,

you take all the
"jeep-ness" out of the jeep,

and then you get it stuck
at the side of the road.

- Because we didn't fix
the shifter earlier today,

we're going to fix it now with
a cotter pin and a zip tie

to connect the linkage back together.

- [David] And here comes
someone offering to help.

- [Mike] Oh, hope they got a tow strap.

You got any strap?

We're going to strap his car to
our car with an extension cord.

That's right, an extension cord.

That's what's going to
get us out of this mess.

We just traded four gallons of gas

for a three-foot tow
with an extension cord.

We were making a U-turn.

- Right now it's 11:15 and
we're in the middle of no where

fixing this thing 'cause
it's puking so bad.

The Desert Bar opens at
noon and closes at 6 PM.

Hopefully this junk is going to make it

on a twelve mile dirt road

all the way out to this bar
in the middle of nowhere.

Wow, that's leaking bad.

- [Mike] Once I cleaned everything off,

it was really hard to tell
where it's coming from,

because it's not running and
the fountain's not moving.

David wants me to start it
up on the jack right now.

Genuinely afraid, because
I think this thing

is just going to ghost ride itself

off into that field and then--

- [David] It'll stop,
when it hits the ditch.

- At that point, I'm leaving it.

I'm not even going to pull it out

if it ends up in that ditch.

(car cranking)

Flashlight's right there, have fun!

- Okay, it is the transcooler line.

- It wasn't leaking out of the fittings,

so the line must have a hole in it.

- It must, 'cause it's
squirting up, then running down.

Okay, we're not fixing
that, so it's fine, right?

- I'm okay with it.

Just keep buying more ATF.

- When you know the rules,
you're allowed the break them,

and we know that that's not
supposed to leak, so we're good.

Like that.

- Oh my God.

(rock music)

- [David] There's the car wash.

- And there's nobody in line.

That means it's all ours.

- We need this cleaned.

- They're all like, "What
in the hell is that?"

Notice how nobody's jumping--

- They're not leaping to action.

(both laugh)

- They're like, "We're
not washing your car."

- See, we're selling this today,

and we need it to be spiffy.

- I want you to use the good soap.

Not the stuff you use on
everybody else's cars.

- That's right.

- No.

(both laugh)

- That's my dad.

- Yeah.

- [Mike] Don't forget the chrome.

- [David] Right.

- [Mike] That's like the one
nice part on the whole car.

There we go.

- Thank you!

- Thank you for the donut.

Woohoo!

This thing is a smoke machine.

So, of course we did burnouts

before we left the pavement the last time.

(engine revving)

- I'm thinking greater speed might help.

- All right. Here we go.

- Oh!

(both laugh)

- [Mike] I thought this
thing was bad on pavement

but we hit the dirt and I felt

like I was inside a paint shaker.

- This is why I told you I wanted a jeep.

You know what the funny thing is,

is these people think they're roughing it.

They have no top on their
full-on rock-crawling jeep.

- They don't know what life's about.

- You're a rugged outdoorsman, dude!

Have fun with your radio communication.

Remember no front brakes
or no rear brakes.

What was that?

It must have broken, right?

The bag might've blown.

Yep, bag mount broke off.

- [Mike] Hey, don't make it worse.

- You knew that was going to happen,

make it worse?

- We're close, let's just keep going.

Okay, so now we have no suspension at all.

'Cause now that that bag broke--

- This one's also flat,
'cause they're together.

- They're teed together,
so you have no air

in the front suspension, I don't care,

let's just get to the beer.

(light rock music)

The Desert Bar is legendary
and I had this picture

in my mind of what kind of an oasis

it was going to be, and we
rounded the corner and--

- There it is! Wow!

We're going to make it!

- [Mike] The only problem is, this place

has no phone, no internet, so we couldn't

call them in advance to get permission

to shoot Roadkill there,
and when we got there,

they said, "No cameras, no way."

The problem with this
deal is that we showed up

45 minutes before closing time,

but we didn't feel we
could really run up a tab

that was what the jeep's
worth, but we tried.

You do not want to see what it looks like

when Finnegan and I drink 400 bucks

worth of alcohol in 45 minutes.

And there was a couple
of people who showed up

who had driven all the way
from Phoenix and Scottsdale,

just to look at the jeep and
see if they could buy it.

Yeah, those guys took one
look and hit the road,

but there was a guy in the bar, though,

who recognized me from Hot Rod Magazine.

I told him the story, he
walked out into the parking lot

and made the flash decision,
he had to own this thing.

Sucker!

The most incredible thing
is not just that we lived,

but that we made it all the way to Arizona

without getting arrested,
with no windshield,

no mufflers, no seat
belts, no license plates,

no registration, no common sense.

Come to think of it, that's pretty normal

here on Roadkill.

- Going for the best beer at work ever.

- Best beer at work, ever!

Hold on, that sounded drunk.

(laughs)

That's Finnegan economics.

- Finnenomics.

- Finnecomics.

- Most drunk Roadkill ever.

- All of the ladies come here.

- Why would you want them out?

- Wait, you're not in the photo,

you got to come around front,

'cause you're not, now both of you,

all the way in the front,
because you're not in the photo.

- This is like, girl, boy--

- Yeah, yeah. All the girls on my side.

You want to do that again?