Roadkill (2012–2020): Season 1, Episode 12 - Chevy vs. Ford Cop-Car Thrash Battle! - full transcript

- On this episode of Roadkill,

exhaustive scientific research to discover

who makes the best cop car, Chevy or Ford?

(car engine revs)

(intense rock music)

- We're going to kick it off here

at Santa Anita Park in
Acradia, California,

also known as paved acres of destruction.

- We've got two goals this
time around for Roadkill.

Goal number one, invent
a brand new motor sport.

- Oh, I missed it. Oh, boy!



Whoops!

- And goal number two, figure out

of the two cop cars we
bought which one is better,

the Ford or the Chevy.

- This is something I've
wanted to do for a long time.

There's nothing cooler than thrashing

on a v-8 rear wheel drive,
full size American Sedan

and the ultimate example of
those is, of course, cop cars.

The two really killer
cop cars on the market

that you can buy used
are the '94, 5, and 6

Caprice 9c1, which is the Chevy,

powered by a 350 cubic inch LT1V8.

It's rated at 260 horsepower, honestly,

I think it makes more than that.



The Ford you really want to buy

is an '03 and up Crown Vic P71.

Making 250 horsepower,

at least that's where they were rated,

I don't think they make that much.

These cars are sickeningly slow.

- As usual, we surfed Craigslist trying

to find our candidates for our testing.

- We paid 1700 bucks for the Chevy

and 2500 bucks for the Crown Vic.

The Chevy is ten years
older than the Ford.

It has 173,000 miles on
it, the Ford only has 101,

however, the Caprice is the only car

that police agencies have ever bothered

to restore from scratch when they hit

the limit of their service life,

and so I was kind of a fan of the Caprice.

Finnegan liked the Ford,

so Finnegan went for amenities, basically,

and I went for horsepower.

- So on day number one our first event

was a good old fashioned drag race,

and we didn't use any timing equipment

'cuz that's way too scientific.

We just went head to
head and side by side,

which car is better.

(engines road and tires squeal)

(intense rock music)

- In the drag race, I
predict complete dominance

by the Caprice, no doubt.

- Crown Vic, huh?

This car has got 101,000
miles of chasing perps.

- Are we going to go on three?

Well, on three, two, one, on one?

- Okay, you count.

(laughs)

- Three, two, one! Oh!

(engines roar)

He completely jumped me.

- Yes! Oh he's done!

I got this!

(intense rock music)

- He chickened out, he
thought he was going to

run out of parking lot.

(laughs)

- Winning!

It's all about the guy
who gets out in front

and let's off and claims the race is over.

- Oh! I was driving right past you.

- You lose.

- Why?

- I won the race.

- I passed you.

- No, I was already done by then.

We were done racing.

- Nope.

(laughs)

- Yeah, we're professionals.

- In the first drag
race I'm really annoyed

because the Crown Vic left on me.

I'm in the Caprice and
honestly it has so much power

and such a destroyed posi
that it is just laying wheel

with one tire, and he
gets out in front of me,

but I wasn't that worried about it

because after the Caprice hooked up,

it just freight trained the Crown Vic.

- We learned right away that the Crown Vic

had a better whole shot,

and when I wasn't cheating the start,

the Caprice was quicker on the top end.

- I think we need to go again

'cuz he jumped me and I still passed him.

- Got to figure out a new
way to cheat real quick.

- [Voiceover] This is weird,

I've never been in the
front seat of a cop car.

It's like, backwards.

- Okay, you want to do the count?

- Nah, you go ahead.

- Three, two, one!

(intense rock music)

(engines rev)

- Yeah, Caprice wins.

So in the second race,
I had it figured out

and the Caprice drove
right past the Crown Vic.

It's a way faster car.

- David kicked my butt.

Once we went more than
four or five hundred feet.

(laughs)

- Check it out, my tire is
throwing off chunks already.

So, we're going to have
to tighten this up,

get some action done.

(intense rock music)

Armor All has this new stuff

that we're testing for the magazine,

it's called Custom Shield.

- And what it's supposed to
do is protect your paint job.

- It's like a rubberized coating

that looks like spray paint

that you squirt on stuff
and it peels off later,

and not that we care about
it particular quarter panel,

but to test it I'm going
to spray it on here

and at the end of our
testing we'll rip it off

and find out if it works good.

- Yeah, baby. Smooth.

Now we can be burnouts and
throw rubber all over the car

and it won't matter.

Should come right off.

Not that I really care about the paint

on that piece of crap.

- What we're going to do
now is like a movie scene,

lead, follow, reverse 180.

Finnegan's going to be pointing this way,

I'm going to be pointing this way.

We're both going to take
off in the same direction

and I've got to pull a rockford

and get through those
garbage cans before he does.

Then we're going to switch
it up and race the other way.

(intense rock music)

- Is it illegal not to have
a windshield on your car?

- [Voiceover] Yeah.

- I'm a little foggy on that rule.

Word to your mother. Let's do this.

(car engines roar)

(laughs)

- [Voiceover] Yeah!

(laughs)

- Oh, that was awesome.

I guess we proved that, uh-

- I lost my mirror.

- You lost your, no, not mirror,

that's your spotlight.

- I can't find the perps at night now.

- Wow, that was awesome.

I'm ready.

The beauty of it now is we know

that all we're doing is
smashing through it for kicks,

so I'm ready.

Should I wear the helmet?

I hate to even think how
much I'm going to own

that thing right now.

(engines roar and tires squeal)

I might've broken my windshield.

(laughs)

Oops!

- Best day at work ever.

- There was really no education
in this part of the fun,

but we did prove that you don't break

the Crown Vic windshield

and you do shatter the Caprice windshield.

That is completely
senseless and radical fun.

- The rest of this deal,

whenever we were roadtripping these cars,

we were in danger of getting
pulled over and arrested

'cuz it really did look
like we were involved

in a hit and run accident.

Right now I've got a water
truck cruising around

the parking lot behind me

wetting down the shortest
and worst autocross course

I've ever seen in my life,

all because I want to watch
David spin out the Caprice

a few more times.

(engines roar)

(wheels screech)

- By the end of the day, it
had just turned into mayhem

and we were destroying
these cars for no reason.

Drifting them around, doing donuts,

and the left rear tire
of the Caprice got so bad

it was flinging cords everywhere.

- I get in the Caprice and the
tires are shredded already.

There's very little left,
they look like balloons,

there's fuzzies hanging off the side,

and I only drifted this car

in front of the camera twice before

(wheel thuds)

the left rear tire
exploded right on command.

It sounded like a shotgun went off,

it was pretty spectacular.

(intense rock music)

- Now it's the end of the day

and we've totally trashed
this thing with filth

and even hit it with a tire,

and we're going to find
out if the Custom Shield

will peel off.

- Good as new.

- Nice!

That's kind of like vinyl wrap.

- Not even the tire scuffed through it.

That's pretty amazing.

I like it.

Tomorrow, heading to Boron
to build the off road track

we've wanted to do for like two years.

- Yeah.

- That's the plan.

We're going to freeze
our cohones off tonight.

- Yeah, and I've only got
a shovel about that big,

so it's going to take some time.

- We're just going to drive though it,

'cuz I'm going to go get mud
tires put on that thing now

'cuz the tire's gone-zo.

- You get mud tires?

- [Voiceover] Yup.

- Why didn't I think of that? Shit.

Crown Vic had 17-inch wheels on it

and the only aggressive tires I could find

for those 17-inch wheels were
a set of Blizzak ice tires,

which were really soft, and David,

because his cop car had
15-inch wheels on the Caprice,

he bought mud terrain BFG's

with aggressive looking treads.

(intense rock music)

This thing looked like it
belonged in a Mad Max movie

if it had a blower with a switch on it.

- Check it out, it's perfect.

I wish they were wider,
they do have kind of

that pizza cutter look to 'em,

but they're aggressive.

- I've literally got,
like, skateboard wheels

on my car right now,

but you're still driving
the capeesh, not cool,

no matter what you put on it for tires.

(whimsical country music)

- Uh oh. You got the duct
tape so I can shut my door?

Wow. It's hashed.

Ah, there you go, cool.

I'm a chump.

Now that we've got my tires on,

we hit the road and drove
about, I don't know,

three or four hours out
into the California desert.

- We both figured heading
out into the dirt,

he's got the advantage.

Boy, were we wrong.

(upbeat rock music)

It's getting cold 'cuz we're
climbing out of L.A. county

into the high desert here,

and we're going to some place special.

A spot every grown man should
go in their entire lives,

and that's the middle of nowhere.

(engines roar)

- I'm going to have to
say that the Chevy's

going to have the edge on
the Crown Vic at the dirt.

It's got to,

or I'm going to be humiliated.

(engine roars)

(upbeat rock music)

I could see nothing other
than his taillights.

I'm driving in dust.

I'm just trusting him.

How's that 200 horsepower treating ya?

(laughs)

- It doesn't sound like a Lamborghini,

but it's still pretty cool.

- That's the sound of power.

- Oh, you got the hot air
intake under the hood.

- Yup.

- Yours sounds cooler.

- I've got the direct dirt intake.

Ultimately, it was freezing cold outside,

we decided to call it a night.

Finnegan thought we were
going to freeze to death

and he had this massive Brady Bunch tent.

I called him a complete chick
for wanting to be in the tent.

I don't even think it was freezing.

I build a campfire, hit the
dirt, good to go all night long.

- [Voiceover] How cold is it?

- Uh, I don't know, we
need to check the phone

'cuz that's where the
thermometer is in this decade.

I don't know if you realize this,

but we bought two cop cars, bashed them,

drove them to the middle of the desert,

and found-

- Derbied in the dust.

- Land that my parents
got suckered into buying

four decades ago.

- And tomorrow, we're going to wreck it.

- Derby tomorrow.

- Yup.

- You're seriously going
to sleep out on the ground?

- It's way better than being in a tent.

- Oh, wow.

- I think David slept by the fire,

did he roll into it and kill himself?

(muffled snoring)

(laughs) Damn.

Stop snoring.

I feel like I licked the top
of the bar after last call.

Ugh.

- My teeth feel like carpet.

When we woke up in the morning,

the first challenge was to find

where Finnegan's property actually was.

We had the GPS on our cell phones,

which surprisingly enough
still had the streets on it

that had been carved in this place

back in 1969 or '70 or
something like that,

and somewhere in here was
a two and a half acre gem

of property that belonged to his parents,

so basically we could do
whatever we wanted on it.

- I think the air is just right
for building a race track.

(upbeat music)

- Yeah, it's like I go that way,

and right here, right?

- So this two point four acres is-

- All yours.

- All mine!

- You're going to inherit that some day.

- We're building a dirt track

and we're inventing our
own off road racing series.

- A dirt ripping, thrashing course

to put these two cop cars to the test.

- There's a big S.

- Yeah, for sure.

- That connects back out to here.

- Yeah, we're totally in agreement,

so how do you want to make that?

You want to just hop in a car and-

- Let's just drive it.

- This is going to be fun.

How long before one of us gets hopelessly

high centered on something?

Once we found the right property,

the first thing we did is
both hopped in the Crown Vic

to go and plot a race track.

This trunk is garbage, right?

- [Voiceover] Jump on it.

- Nope.

- I got no seat belt.

- [David] Big right hander.

Oh yeah, this one's a riot.

(laughs)

- Wow, we're going to get
stuck out here, eventually.

No endangered species.

- Oh, I haven't seen
anything moving in here,

'cept us.

- This is like the twist out there.

- There's bushes that aren't too dense,

and we'd be able to
drive these cars around

three or four times
and make our own track.

- [Voiceover] Yeah!

- That's going to be so fun.

- And it was going to connect
to a high speed straight section

that at some point the
power company had grated

to put in power poles.

Alright, let's get both cars and do this.

- [Voiceover] Okay.

- I'm not having all the fun.

(intense rock music)

- For the Caprice, I had
found these really cool

BFG mud terrains in a small size

that would fit the passenger car

and I got 'em 'cuz they were tough

and I thought we were going to be dealing

with a rocky terrain,

it turned out to be pure silt.

Stuck!

(laughs)

Knew that was going to happen.

- And he goes out there
with his big old honkin

mud terrain tires that are way too skinny,

these things are pizza cutters,

and he goes out there

and I've kind of rutted
up the course already,

and he gets stuck right
out in the middle of it,

nowhere near flat, hard ground.

Not feelin' so good about
those new tires now, are ya?

(laughs)

(upbeat country music)

This is the part where I get stuck.

- It's going to need some snap,

you might want to give it
more distance than that.

- I'm not even a Ford guy,

but really there's no
denying the Crown Victoria

is kicking the crap out of the capeesh.

He's so far out in the course,

that when I drive out I
have to leave the safety

of flat, hard-packed dirt,

and go onto the silty stuff
to try and yank him out.

I give it a decent yank, he
starts coming up over this berm,

when he crests the berm,
my car gets high centered,

and we're both stuck in the dirt now.

- Finnegan came in right
behind me to pull me out,

and of course the Crown Vic, then,

also went straight into China,

and so there we are with two cars

completely stuck in the middle of nowhere,

and yeah, we can't deny it,
ultimately we had to have

the video guy's pick up truck pull us out.

- God, we suck at off roading.

(laughs)

Now the good part, the race.

Starting line?

- Starting line.
- Alright.

- Plan is, I'm thinking
we come through here

at speed, right?

- Do a flying start, okay?

- Yeah, 'cuz why wouldn't you?

And then I'll time you as you fly by,

you run the whole track, come by again,

and I'm going to stop the clock

when you pass the garbage can again.

I'm not going to tell you your time.

- Yeah, don't show it to me,

just leave the phone over there.

- And then I'm going to get
in mine, do the same thing.

- I have a lot of confidence right now

because the Crown Vic, although
on paper has less power,

both of these cars seem to just suck ass

in the horsepower department
when you actually drive them.

The Crown Vic handles a lot better

and the tires seem to be working better,

so I think I got this covered.

- I have to admit, I'm
a little intimidated.

I think that the Crown Vic
handles better off road.

He's going to come through at speed,

soon as he crosses the trash
can I'm going to fire this up.

(intense rock music)

Oh, you can just see him digging in.

There's more dirt in the
sky than on the ground.

(engine thunders)

(laughs)

- Oh, my god, oh, dude!

- Right now, he's, like,
at a minute and a half,

so it's a pretty long course.

(laughs)

- Okay, so I'm not going
to tell him his time.

I'm going to put that in my pocket

and I'm going to go make my run,

and we'll see what happens.

- Did I win?
(laughs)

- Now it was my turn and I knew

I was only going to get
him in the straight aways.

He was sloppy out there,
I'm going to show skill.

- Go, starting the timer.

(intense rock music)

He looks good, he looks
smooth from what I can see,

but in the middle section of the track,

I can't see him running but I
hear the engine bogging down

through the really soft stuff,

and I'm pretty confident
he's going to lose this deal.

(intense rock music)

- The question is, does he have the nuts

to come through here wide
open at the end of the race

and stay in it knowing there's
a Crown Vic right there,

his car's fishtailing, and he could die

or have an airbag in the face.

(laughs)

Oh my god, that thing's huge.

Come on, you hunk of junk.

Oh, my god! Oh my god.

(laughs)

- Woo!

- He's going through the finish line

and then breaking and
pitching the car sideways

out in the desert, and it's fast.

I have no idea how you did
'cuz I don't know how I did,

but I will give you this,

you stayed in it almost
all the way to here

and damn near took out the
back end of my car, man.

(laughs)

That was awesome.

- At this point, I
thought there was a chance

that I had beat him with raw horsepower

and top end speed, but-

Here, ready?

I'll show you mine if you show me yours.

- [Both] Oh!

- Winning! What was that, three seconds?

- Not quite, what is it?

1:45.2 for you,

and 1:48.5 for me.

- Over three seconds!

- Yeah, three point three seconds.

- The phones turn around, and I look,

and I realize I whooped
his ass by three seconds,

and it's really not
that I whooped his ass,

it's the Crown Vic has whooped
the Caprice's ass badly.

- Well, in fact, what we
did was pretty unscientific,

but we did spend a couple a days

thrashing really hard on
the Ford and Chevy cop cars,

and it did teach me a lot.

The Chevy's are really more collectible,

they're more valuable, the
made 'em for only three years

instead of for a full
run like the Crown Vic.

For an enthusiast they're
a really good car.

Bone stock, they're really fast.

You could also go with the Crown Vic,

which is going to be way
easier to find these days,

it has a far more modern
suspension system,

the motor sucks a lot in
comparison to the Chevy though,

so kind of pick your poison.

You want the better handling
car, newer, more comfortable,

looks a little bit
cooler, you get the Ford.

I came in to this whole deal truly

with my heart behind the Caprice,

not because I'm really a Chevy guy,

but because I knew it
had way more horsepower

and I knew it was way faster.

- You were into it.

- I was completely into it,

and I'm walking away
needing to have a Crown Vic.

At the end of the day then,

we're going to claim a win
on the Crown Vic, right?

- Yeah, Crown Vic's the
winner, sorry Chevy guys.

- Yup.

- You lose.

(upbeat music)