Roadkill (2012–2020): Season 3, Episode 11 - Roadkill - full transcript

- This time on Roadkill, we
take a trip down memory lane,

you get to see my beard grow in real time,

and as a bonus, the fastest
pass the F-bomb has ever made.

(rock music)

- This first clip is probably
the first time I personally

broke a frame in half on Roadkill.

This is the second episode
that we shot which is actually

the first episode that we aired.

The trip with the whatever it was,

73 Pontiac Catalina from
El Paso to California

and we stopped and went
off-roading in quads.



We're moments away from
leaving the sand dunes

and I managed to break my ATV.

Look, the frame is in two pieces.

And as a result, the
carburetor pulled off the motor

and the motor won't run, see?

This is carburetor, this
is motor, this is gap.

Ruh-roh.

- It's a poor design right there.

- Is that the very first
thing I ever broke on Roadkill

'cause this is the first
episode that aired,

but not the first one we shot.

This is me playing a gag on Finnegan

which never made the final cut.

- For the race, strategy?



Well, Freiburger will
immediately go to thinking

that I'm not faster so
I'm going to try and take

him out at the start.

Which means he may swerve
one way and expect me

to swerve another way.

So I don't know.

I may just try to drag race
him, you know, play it fair.

If I can get to the corner first I will.

If not, I'll put him in the dirt.

- [Voiceover] So that's
your strategy for the race.

What's your strategy...

He just peed in the back
of your van by the way.

(laughs)

- That's going to smell good later.

And this is the episode where you actually

destroyed your spine.

- It is, you can see in this
episode when I jump the wagon.

It's funny in slow-mo to watch my head go

all the way up to the headliner
and when the thing lands,

I compress all the way down in the seat.

And I remember a sharp pop when I landed.

You see me get out of
the thing and go "ohh!"

And long story short, I
destroyed the lowermost

disk in my back.

I am bone on bone, right there.

Two vertebraes, junk.

They want to fuse it.

- You should sue, you could
own this whole thing dude.

- All 20 bucks worth.

- It can all be yours.

(laughs)

You have redemption.

You have the faster, more
maneuverable automobile

which we've strapped watermelons to.

It's my job to try and
smash the watermelons.

- Pretty clearly, I lose.

(laughs)

Again in the van and wagons episode,

what we actually showed you on
the show was the watermelons

bouncing around in the
back of the vehicles as we

went down that one road.

But another thing we tried
that never made the screen

is gaff taping the
watermelons to the outside.

Gaff tape is gaffers tape.

It's like double throw
down 200 mile an hour tape.

Like duct tape but better.

But it failed us that day.

- I forgot how much fun that was.

'Cause that whole episode was
just drive around like idiots.

- Completely.

- It was great.

- And it's got a lot of views.

Maybe we should drive like idiots more.

- Yeah, one time we went to
Australia to film Roadkill,

and we were there I think
a total of four days.

- Oh yeah, it was bad.

And we went to both coasts in that time.

- Yeah, and so we flew
for 30 hours or something,

didn't sleep at all, met
up with this guy Gup.

- He took us to this guy's
shop where he had a couple

of alcohol funny cars.

And for whatever reason, we show up there,

walk around the shop for a bit and the guy

breaks out some Corona
and says "got to go,"

and he takes off.

And this is kind of
what happens afterwards.

- [Voiceover] Yeah, we
sat around in his backyard

and drank beer until...

Video Guy Skivvy got
drunk and went on a swing.

He looks seven years old on the swing.

- These next clips are
from the drag war episode,

they're all things that
you have not seen before.

Never been in the episode,
never been in a Q&A show.

- The thing is, I'm still
convinced we could cool it off

and it'll run but then again,

we do have this Community
Donation Center right here

as if by coincidence.

- We could generate some
good will at the Good Will.

You know, we put our new long block in it

it's going to do it again.

Hi Adam, I'm calling to find
out what it takes to donate

a car to the Good Will.

- He's working on donating,
I'm working on fixing.

- That'd be great, 'cause I
have a car and I'm literally

sitting at one of your
Good Will drop off stops

and I'd love to give it to ya.

1974 Jaguar XJ12.

One of only 450 made.

Well we're feeling, you
know, a giving mood.

And why not, it's for a good cause.

I'll hang out here until she calls.

It's really hard to give
away a broken car these days.

Well he said "it's a Jaguar?"

And I'm like "yeah,"

"okay hold on, let me
see if I can find Sally

and I'll call you back."

I didn't tell him that
it was a brown Jaguar

and it had a dead motor in it.

But he can find that
out after he gets here.

He won't be disappointed.

Literally the Good Will,
you know you donate things,

you get a tax deduction, I
didn't even want the write off.

I just tried to give them
a Jaguar and they said no.

The moment they said "does it run?"

I said "no," they said "we don't want it."

- Yeah, wow.

Picky about their free stuff.

- I'm unpacking the car
while Freiburger goes to

the auto parts store
to buy stuff to fix it.

And then I'm going to park
the car over there behind

those semis and when he comes
back, I'm going to tell him

I gave the car away.

He'll probably believe me
because at this point in the day

after this many breakdowns,

somebody would do that, why not me?

It's gone dude.

- Seriously?

No.

- Yeah.

- No.

I'm not believing you.

- I know, that's why it's going
to be a real eye opener later

when we drive home and you're
still not believing us.

- I'm still not believing you.

- You rap, but I'd love to
see you rap this right now.

What I want to see is
how you say the words,

and then later on when you
accept that the car is gone,

how you would say the words then.

Say it with disbelief now.

- I'm still not believin' it.

- So you can re-record it later.

- Yeah, we ultimately ditched
the Jaguar at the side

of the road at the end of the episode,

we had truly killed that poor motor.

- We melt it.

- Yeah, melted it.

- We were driving down the road
watching the temp gage climb

and this is after we put a radiator in it.

And it just stopped moving.

- It must've blown a
head gasket or something,

it was terrible.

A lot of people wonder how big is the crew

that follows along with Roadkill.

And usually it's two to three
video guys and that's it.

And yeah, they do carry our
tools for us and our generators

every once in a while.

And this is a little behind
the scenes look at that.

The video guys as you may
be aware are not in fact

riding with us, they've got this mini van.

And since they were
going to be here anyway,

we just happened to throw
some tools and a generator

in the back of it.

Yeah, it's not really like a road trip,

it's an adventure anyway.

That's Sparky right there.

Say hi Sparky.

- Need your generator David?

- Yes I do, thank you.

Could you remove this
radiator for me please?

- We got it covered,
you don't do anything.

- Okay.

And that's how we handle Roadkill.

- I'll be in my trailer.

- Yeah.

(laughs)

- So this is our second attempt
to go to Alaska I believe.

- This was our successful
attempt at going to Alaska.

- Yeah, and this is us sitting
on the side of the highway

before getting to Alaska.

We thought we had to get rid
of all of our illegal fireworks

and so David spent a solid 20
minutes trying to make fire

when it was minus, I don't
know, 10 degrees out.

- So we stood in the
middle of the highway,

with nobody within like,
who knows how many miles

in either direction, just
firing off fireworks.

It better be good!

(cheering)

That's loud!

- That was great!

- That was worth the 20 minutes.

- Yeah, let's do the next one.

- This is what you
didn't see in the episode

with the Flat Rod Jeep, and we
tried to give the thing away

actually, in exchange
for paying our bar bill.

And the bar didn't want us to film

and our video crew sort of
whipped out some cameras

anyway at the very end in the parking lot

and this woman actually runs up to Travis

and rips the earphones off of his head,

and starts yelling at him.

- We were in the parking lot,
you couldn't even see the bar.

- It looked like a mountain.

(mumbling)

- [Woman] We asked you not to film!

- This has been the white
trash edition of Roadkill.

Thank you goodbye.

- How's this any different
than any other Roadkill?

- This is way more white trash.

We were in Parker, we drank beer...

- None of this is usable,
he's just saving this

for blackmail.

- Yeah, he is.

- These guys, they're in
the Jeep and we get there

at last call, they want it.

Okay, we can't film here let's
go down about a mile down

the trail and we'll do the thing.

Sign the title over and all that.

- We weren't driving by the way.

- So we're drunk, and we can't
you know, obviously drive

anything so they said "well
get in the back of our truck

and we'll drive you."

So we get in the back of
this truck driven by a woman

who had recently given birth,

and I'm sitting next to
an infant who's crying.

And she's like, "oh, you
know that's my baby."

I'm like "oh, you're very
cute," like he's crying.

She's like "oh, just
give him your finger."

I'm covered in dirt, I
hand this baby my finger

and it's like grabbing on to it.

Next thing you know,
the truck in front of us

full of their friends is
firing a nine millimeter gun

at the side of the mountain next to us.

It'll never ricochet, you know.

- It was not good.

This next scene is going
to be from the episode with

the mini bikes and the
muscle truck and all of that.

And it was in the credits
of the original show.

We're going to show you the
whole thing about the Twix car.

- The best part about going
to the auto parts store

is all the crazy stuff you're
going to see in the parking lot.

This, is a mid 80's Iroc Z Camaro

done up in a Twix motif, but
that's not the cool part.

The cool part is, is some
guys have alligator skin

you know on their seats,

homeboy's got an alligator on his dash.

I've seen it all.

This car is so famous now,
every time it's for sale

on Craigslist, somebody sends it to me.

- It's like in Fresno or
something now for sale

and it's like three
grand, we should buy it.

This next clip is going to be
me ramming Josef Regandio's

little trail 90 into the
pole at the gas station.

Oh hey, dude!

- I thought you were going
to say my bike was on fire.

- Oh!

(laughs)

- [Voiceover] Tell me you got that.

- Always be rolling.

- You say go over 125, keep it over 139.

- Whoa, is that what I said?

Didn't I say like 125 plus minus five?

Is that kind of what I said?

- Never heard the plus and minus.

- Yeah, that plus or
minus a little confusing?

Plus or minus, it's a complicated task.

The bottom line is if
you want to actually walk

away from here with a license

you actually have to
run 125 plus minus five.

- I'll put it right on 125.

- So this is going to be when
we took the Leaf-Blown Monza

to I guess it was the Ohio Mile.

That might've been the
first race at the Ohio Mile.

- ECTA.

- Yeah, and he was trying
to licence which means

that you need to show
vehicle control by running

in a specific mile an hour range.

And that didn't happen.

My buddy Keith decided to
ream him a little bit for it.

- Well I remember you
know, it was raining,

thread of rain, we only thought
we were going to get one pass.

Well, we need to find
out how fast it'll go.

So I wasn't trying to go
125 at all, sorry Keith.

I was trying to go as fast as
humanly possible in this thing

and it went 138, you know.

(mumbles)

- This next scene is some
outtakes from the moment

in Roadkill we probably
came closest to true

real life death, ever.

Which was blowing a tire
out on the Gremlin while

we're flat towing the Prius,
and I mean tire blows,

straight off the highway and
slid the thing 180 degrees.

- That was the scariest part
for me was when we go down

the embankment, every time
a bush came in front of me,

I thought it was a tree.

- You're like, what's
going to happen next.

- I braced for it, I was like oh okay,

got through another one, not a tree.

- At first when that was
happening I was like whoa!

And then I wish there'd
been an end card camera,

I went like this.

- You were sleeping and we're
going 70 and the tire blows

and he goes tire blew!

You woke up from a dead
sleep and knew the noise.

- But I literally was going
like this 'cause I thought

we were going over.

- Oh man.

Ah, it's all sweaty.

- I'd forgotten about Al Gore.

- I've been sitting here since 11AM.

It's 100 degrees out,
I have a dog in the car

that's sweating to death.

Half an hour ago I called back and said

"where's the tow truck?"

They said, "oh one of those cars,

the registration's expired,
we're not towing it."

- And I remember, I was angry with them.

'Cause I'm like "I am a 30 year customer,

I've been here for 10 hours,
you need to wave that policy

and get me off the road now."

And what's interesting
is they called me back

and they're like "okay, we've
spoken to your home office,

we're going to cover this."

They came, they handled
it, everything was great.

Like three months later, I get
a letter where they threw me

out of the auto club and I had to

call and make amends

and I ultimately got back
in by paying the tow bill.

The near death wasn't
the most annoying part

of that entire scene.

The most annoying part was
trying to get that junk towed

off the highway after the crash.

- Which is why driving that
tank was very therapeutic.

- It was.

(dramatic music)

- World's most fragile tank right there.

- Yeah, you broke the tank.

What'd you do, you knocked
the tread off the tank?

- Yeah, it has six gears, I used them all

and I guess the little rubber wheels...

- They'd never had it that fast before.

- No and the little rubber
wheels on the tracks

just started disintegrating.

- Right.

- I don't know.

These are perfect for the new car.

I want to set of these for the 55.

- Yeah this is walking
around in Don Waldrin's

junkyard of cool old
(mumbles) and stuff (mumbles)

- So many Willys.

The best part about his whole place

is the wheel collection.

Unreal amount of wheels.

- People love junkyards.

- Junkyards are great,
it's like buried treasure.

Even if it's in one spot,
you're going to walk around

and you're going to go what's
on the other side of that.

- One, two, three, four, five Henry Js.

Do you know why a Henry
J's called a Henry J?

- It's named after Henry J

- Henry J Kaiser.

- Kaiser?

- It's a 38 Willys, that's a Cat,

that's a Wagon, that's a 40 Willys.

We've only been to a couple
of really good junkyards

on Roadkill, CTC Auto Ranch, right?

And then Turner's Auto Wrecking.

We wish we could stop
and look at more stuff.

When we're on Roadkill
we're usually on a schedule

and we'll be driving in a car going whoa!

Did you see that?

But then we have to keep going.

And so you don't get to
see a lot of our junk.

Now we're going to show
you even more junk.

This is going to be outtakes
from some of the other

cars that we considered when we were

at Turner's Auto Wrecking, where
we bought our 50 GMC truck.

How do they keep track if
some guy calls and goes

"I need a 440 Chrysler
pulley with air conditioning

and you know, cruise control or whatever.

How do they find it?

- There's one guy here.

- Who knows.

Look at that!

Ooh Ranchero.

- I was never into the Rancheros.

- 62 or 3.

- You know who drives
those are college girls

going to Long Beach.

- And cruising being hipsters.

- Yeah, they're just not my thing.

- Wow, 22 Olds?

That's cool.

We could make that run.

This is like a 54ish kind of thing.

Look how close the tires
are to the rear of the car.

(gasps)

37 Ford!

- You own one of these.

- I know!

Not that it's good though.

- I hope this comes with the car.

Cats are big on the internet,
that'll get a lot of views.

- I guess the driver tied one
on that night or something.

- I guess so.

- Jesus, this thing is hammered!

- It says take no parts,
that probably means it runs.

- Look at the dash!

Those are probably the
coolest gages I've ever

seen in my life.

- They look like boobs, that's
what makes them so good.

- So there was three
episodes about my 55 Chevy

and this one is where it all started.

Before it was blasphemy.

This was when we went
to Oregon with nothing

but a hemi and a body
and put a car together.

- This is the only time
Finnegan actually cried

on camera during Roadkill.

- Yeah.

I'm going to cry man.

I'm going to cry.

It's too cool.

I've owned a lot of cars.

I've had a bunch of cars but

not a single one of them
ever like moved me to sit on

the ground and just stare at
it and cry like a little baby.

This is literally like...

When my kid was born or when I got married

or the first time I had sex.

It's just pure joy.

Oh that was no joke like I actually...

I was so just moved by
the image of the stacks

and the hemi, and oh yeah.

- Has the car lived up to your expectation

from that day?

- Oh it's the most fun I've
had in a car in a long time.

Except for you know, Charger...

Charger on gravel--

- Unbeatable thing.

Somebody asked me last week,
"what was your best day

ever at Roadkill?"

I didn't even flinch, "oh,
Charger at the rally school."

- So am I going to see you in Las Vegas?

(laughs)

- We kind of have to now, I mean

you came all the way down here.

Where do you live, three miles away?

- No it's a little further than that.

- So we should probably just
drive 36 hours to Las Vegas.

- That's cool.

- It's only fair.

- [Voiceover] What are our odds?

- Your odds on making it?

- Yeah, what are you going to bet us?

- You guys know that better than I do.

I'm not even going there.

- I was instructed never
to bet you anything ever.

So what are we going to bet?

If we make it to Vegas
in this, what do we get?

- Whatever passes you need to the races.

- Ooh, that's a good deal right there.

- We qualify Friday and Saturday

and eliminations are on Sunday.

You're welcome into the
racetrack, just send me a text

and I'll arrange for
tickets and hospitality

and some good meals.

- I think we're going to Vegas.

You have a bet sir.

- Sounds great, we'll see you there.

- See, and you told me
we needed something else

to happen in this episode, there it is.

- And this is where you bet Dodd Chumaka

that we would show up in the Corvette

to Las Vegas from Florida.

- In three days.

- We failed at that, and
then we told him we would

come to English Town and
see him, we failed at that.

- We failed twice, and the
third time we finally delivered.

And the only reason we made
it was we flew into Indy,

bought a car two miles
away and drove it there.

- Right, we made it the
whole two miles though.

That gives us something.

This next clip is going to
show what happens when we

turn on our Glimpse app,
which is a thing on the phone

where you can follow us
on a live GPS tracker,

and we did that on the 55
Chevy when we were driving

all the way across the
country and as a result,

almost every time we stopped
we had fans that came

and hunted us down.

- Yeah, we never got gas
alone that entire trip.

- How's it going?

- Man, I don't get too
celebrity awe-struck.

(laughs)

I just downloaded the app you all use.

I was like holy cow, they
are coming through Flagstaff.

I hopped in my truck, I was doing...

Don't let him hear this, but
trying to catch up to you all.

Holy cow man, I love your show.

I just love it.

My buddy's been trying to
get me to watch it for years

I got all caught up about two months ago.

Love it, I hopped on the
freeway and I caught up.

- Awesome.

- Hey, I'll let you guys get to it,

but is there any chance
I could get you to take

a picture of my little
dog with you, would ya?

- Oh sure!

- Awesome, let me go get him.

- Bring him.

It's like a puppy, he's so soft.

- My friends will never
believe me unless I do this.

- Look at him.

What's his name?

- His name's Sinatra, Frank Sinatra.

- Frank Sinatra.

- Old blue eyes.

- Wow, good dog.

- Love the show, can't
believe I caught ya.

- I'm glad you did, thank you.

- Drive safe.

- See ya.

One of the things about
the show where we took

the Muscle Truck to the
sand dunes and compared it

to the Baja Bug is when
we saw the final cut,

there was no footage from inside the cars

which sort of rubbed us the wrong way.

- Well yeah, you missed all the fun.

- Yeah!

Apparently we dug up a
little bit here and the thing

that's going to be more fun
than either of us is going to be

Fred from Dirt Every Day.

Watch him in the Muscle Truck.

(engine drowns out talking)

(laughing)

- It's f**king awesome.

- This next clip is from
the episode where we built

the 68 Charger which by
the way, went on forever.

It took us like eight months
to shoot that episode.

But this is hauling I think
the fury from one place

to another in the Macho Grande.

And a lot of people always
ask, "we want these shows

to be longer, we want
to see what goes on,"

you really don't.

We spend so much time in the car together

that we just run out of things to say.

Trying to be funny
aren't, and here's proof.

- Let's do battle of
the 80s versus the 90s.

You do the man, I'll do the mini truck.

And our challenge is to take

two period correct and
completely played out vehicles

and try to update them in a way that

makes them less offensive.

- Well the van is 70s.

- Okay, take 70s, whatever.

I don't care.

But we take just their offensive.

Like mine is Pepto pink
with 15 inch wheels,

too many subwoofers, and yours is...

- Licence plate crooked,
embedded in the tailgate.

- Yours has like a bubble
window in the back...

- A naked lady being slayed by a dragon.

- A mural on the side of it, yeah.

All of that.

We take them to Concords, Pebble Beach

and let's see who's is
the least offensive.

- Well we phoned that one in, didn't we?

But don't worry, Roadkill is coming back.

As a matter of fact, next
month we have that going on.

It's going to be pretty good.

- Yeah, look at all the amazing
fab work that we did not do.

- That's right.

- I did put the zip ties on though.

- In the mean time, go check out all

the other Roadkill episodes.

We found a lot of fans are telling us that

they don't realize we've
got what, this is like

number 34 or something like that?

- A lot of stuff out there
people haven't even seen.

- Yeah, go look at the playlist.

Go to the Motor Trend
Channel, click on playlist,

select Roadkill and you can go to these

smorgasbord of episodes to check out

and it'll be way more entertaining than

what you just watched.

- Word.

- We promise.