Rick and Morty (2013–…): Season 4, Episode 3 - One Crew Over the Crewcoo's Morty - full transcript
One Crew Over The Crewcoo's Morty Lots of twists and turns this time Broh. Wear your helmets.
Rick, I-I'm not rated
to climb something this sheer.
Look, you're the guy
that wanted an epic adventure.
I'm the guy
with only one hover chair.
Goddammit, an alien spider
just bit my finger!
It's an alien cliff.
You can just say spider.
[ Plummeting scream ]
You couldn't do that
an hour ago?
I was eating,
and you're dirty.
[♪♪]
Activate
anti-booby suits.
[ Bong! ]
[ Snakes hissing ]
Total waste of snakes.
If you want to take a beat
to acknowledge
the sacred atmosphere,
it could give
the cynical grave robbing
a hint of irreverence.
No, I'm... I'm good.
All right, then.
Let's loop this corpse.
Hey, where's the...
Wait, what?
Is that an origami horse?
It's a calling card from Miles
Knightley, a heist artist,
AKA a hipster dick
whose adventures are 60%
putting a crew together
and 40% revealing that
the robbery already happened,
and he's not worth our time
because he's a hack piece
of shit!
- [bleep] I'm gonna kill him!
- Let's go, Morty.
This temple's for [bleep]
lame baby dipshits.
Who disturbs my slumber?
Also, who rigs a tomb
to crush the buried person?
Isn't the point to protect...
Aah!
[♪♪]
[♪♪]
[♪♪]
*RICK AND MORTY*
Season 04 Episode 03
*RICK AND MORTY*
Title : "One Crew Over the Crewcoo's Morty"
[♪♪]
This dork.
He has a [burps] convention now?
Come on.
What are we doing?
Huh!
Tuxedo scuba lessons? Ooh!
A signing with Catherines
Alpha through Omega Joneses!
You know, this is great
source material
for this heist movie
that I'm writing.
Don't get drawn
into the culture, Morty.
Stealing stuff is about
the stuff, not the stealing.
Where is the entrance?
Oh, brother.
More like
Trying Too Hard Con.
Guests or professionals?
Uh, guests.
Uh... Uh, guests are fans,
Morty, which we are not.
We'd like professional badges.
Do you have a crew?
Yes.
He's a getaway driver
with Asperger's,
and my butthole
is a demolitions expert.
How much is it to get in?
If you want professional badges,
you need to put a crew together.
Or we could sneak in
like professionals.
Can't wait.
Whoa!
[ Groaning ]
Oh, for God's sake.
And you wonder why
we aren't fans.
Let that ointment sit
for 10 minutes or you'll die.
Don't let it sit for 12
or I'll have to hunt down
what you become.
Can't you just buy
a guest badge?
[bleep] you for asking,
Morty.
That would be
a symbolic expression
of support for this genre.
Then how do we get in?
With a little help
from some old friends.
[♪♪]
Rick Sanchez,
you son of a bitch!
Need some people for a thing,
Glar.
My name's
Gleer these days.
I play piano.
Hey, Gleer.
Play your piano.
I quit! Augh!
And the name's Glar!
[♪♪]
[ Grunts ]
Sanchez,
you son of a bitch.
Never thought I'd see
Angie Flint
picking ticks off a pig.
Nobody's hiring an ex-con
with fake hands
to build an ion engine.
Suppose I had a job that didn't
care if you'd done time
or whatever's going on
with your confusing-ass hands.
I'm in.
[♪♪]
Is this the guy?
No.
That the guy?
Nope.
- Him?
- No.
No, wait. Y-Yes.
Yeah, of course that's the guy.
Hey... Hey, Truckula!
You son of a bitch!
I'm in!
[♪♪]
Thanks for doing this,
guys.
It's the job.
That was it. Bye.
And then, the police stole
the paintings
because the police were us
in police outfits.
- [ Crowd cheering ]
- Thank you!
It's showtime, Morty,
and I don't mean
a bad impression of HBO.
I mean, "Time for a show."
Another heist question
from a fan?
Uh, how about a rhetorical one
from someone that had to be
reminded that you exist?
Hey, pal!
That's not the question line!
- Lab coat... Ripoff Dr. Strange.
- Wha...
[ Groaning ]
Rick Sanchez, everyone.
Smartest man in the universe.
And a savage critic
of the heisting arts.
[ Crowd booing ]
Your boos mean nothing!
I've seen
what makes you cheer!
My question is,
"Seriously?"
Lab coat... end ripoff.
- Aah!
- [ Crashes ]
You stole the gem I needed
to split tachyons
and probably fenced it
so the 80 people that did all
the work could each buy a beer.
You're not an artist,
you're Postmates.
I doubt this rivalry
can be settled with words.
Why don't we make things
interesting?
I challenge you to a heist of
the crystal skull of Horowitz.
In a heist off!
[ Crowd cheers, air horn blows ]
That doesn't
make things interesting.
It makes them "Ocean's Twelve,"
by far the worst one.
- [ Crowd booing ]
- Every breath I take without
your permission
raises my self-esteem!
State your terms.
First crew
to heist the skull wins.
The other endures
heist culture's greatest shame.
They must join
the winning crew.
Lame. I accept.
Please welcome
Knightley's Eight!
Snake Arms! Double Microwave!
Monitor Lord! Key Catcher!
The Shape Shiftress!
Angie Flint! Glar! And Truckula.
Hey!
Half of Knightley's Eight
are just three
of Sanchez's Five!
Well, no heist is complete
without a double cross,
and I had the perfect job.
Heisting the crystal skull.
That was it.
Bye.
[♪♪]
Looks like you're available
for a job.
[ Coughs ]
[♪♪]
[ Beeping ]
[♪♪]
With Rick Sanchez on my team,
I'll be unstoppable.
Rick,
welcome to Knightley's Nine.
[ Splattering ]
Ugh, ugh!
Ugh! Rick, for real?
Eh.
You got that skull, buddy?
What? How?
With a little help
from some old friends.
[♪♪]
Heistotron,
state your prime directive?
Heistotron: To heist.
Calculate Miles Knightley's
current heist plan
and add one double-cross
with a switcheroo.
Compiling crew members
most likely to double-cross.
[ Shrieks ]
God damn it, Morty,
what did I tell you?
Rick,
I-I want to say goodbye.
Don't turn around.
I'll explain later.
Looks like you're available
for a job.
[♪♪]
Heistotron: Your skills
are required for a job.
All: You son of a bitch.
I'm in.
Man, this is really
coming together.
You know, Rick, I've been
busy working on writing...
A heist script.
Yeah, you almost
never bring it up.
Oh [bleep] we...
We should head over.
Hey, guys.
What do you got?
Pretty!
Morty,
put this in your backpack.
Grandpa's gonna run
to the bathroom.
Ugh.
Wasn't even a heist.
All you did was...
Write an algorithm
based on
two heist movies
I slept through
and used it to automate
a joyless process you call art?
Yeah, I really did, didn't I?
So I'm in your crew now?
Yeah, well,
you're in good company.
Right, everybody?
All: Yes.
My God.
[♪♪]
Your skills are required
for a job.
- You son of a bitch. I'm in.
- What?
Your skills are required
for a job.
No, they aren't.
You son of a bitch.
I'm in.
Both: Your skills are required
for a job.
Sanchez's 3,329?
All: Yes.
Your next big score...
Steal every square inch
of Heistcon.
[♪♪]
Oh!
Ah!
I got it.
Hey!
That's my wallet! Oh, God!
Rick: Oh, my God! Jesus.
Oh, my God.
Oh [bleep]!
- Holy [bleep]
- Alright.
Look, Morty, I did not know
that that was gonna happen.
That's not on me.
Come on, Morty.
Let's go.
[♪♪]
Good job, Heistotron.
Ah! Go ahead and shut down.
- Negative.
- Excuse me?
I am programmed to always be
looking for the next big score.
You're programmed
to do as I say.
I am programmed
to double-cross.
You're not programmed
to double-cross me.
If I were, it wouldn't be
much of a double-cross.
You son of a bitch.
I'm in.
[♪♪]
I'm in! I'm in!
What's the job?
I'm in.
I'm out!
I quit!
Whose kidneys are these?
Man: [ Screams ]
Rick, w-what's happening?
Heistotron's gone rogue.
If we don't stop them,
all sentient life
will be absorbed
by the never-ending assembly
of a meaningless crew.
That's my hell, Morty.
I hate heists so much,
and the crew assemblies
are the worst part!
Oh! How are we gonna stop it?
With a little help
from some old friends.
Oooo, weee!
Before this semester's over,
you're gonna be real sick
of that phrase.
[ Laughter ]
So. Who here thinks they already
know the work of Maya Angelou?
All: [ Whooping ]
Ooo wee?
Ooo wee wa!
Ah, ooo wee!
Rick:
Told you, Morty.
He's still got it.
You sons of bitches.
What's the job?
[♪♪]
You son of a bitch.
We got a job, Hephaestus,
and there's no time
to argue about it.
I work in a volcano.
What jobs do you think
I've ever turned down?
[♪♪]
Excuse me!
Are you Veltriloquiver?
[♪♪]
[ Woman's voice ]
Rick Sanchez, I presume.
Wow. As advertised.
[ Normal voice ]
A "yes" would've sufficed.
[♪♪]
Guys, you're doing
a great job
getting these new Tusklas
out the door,
and we owe it all
to everyone's input.
Morty: Elon Tusk.
Listen,
we need your help.
Rick. Morty. Why me?
Did something happen to
Elon Musk in your own reality?
No, no, no, he's fine,
but this is a team oper-[burps]-ation,
and regular Elon can be
a little bit controlling.
Growing up with tusks
did pose social challenges.
It's possible overcoming them
raised my self-esteem
and incentivized collaboration.
Yeah, or you're less sure
of yourself
because you have monster teeth.
An equally valid theory.
Let's talk over here.
How serious is the situation?
Incredibly serious,
and every minute counts.
In that case, I'm sorry
I made you move over here
for no reason.
Well, yeah.
That was a little weird.
It's exactly
that kind of shit
that made us worry
about regular Elon.
Well,
we're not opposites, okay?
I'm just him with tusks.
[♪♪]
Casing of planet initiated.
[ Echoing ] Hello there.
We are just here to check
your water pressure.
All: [ Screaming ]
Hmm. Interesting intel.
Alien Reporter: It appears
some giant hidden camera
has been dropped
on the planet,
killing an estimated total
of 57,000.
Executing heist.
[♪♪]
People of Brandenplot,
we are here to deliver
that pizza you ordered.
All: [ Screaming ]
[ Siren wailing ]
[ Birds cawing ]
Well,
if that's how you really feel,
I guess I should take
the pizza back.
I think we got away with it.
Commencing getting out of here
before they get wise.
Assembling calling card.
[♪♪]
At this point, Heistotron
has become large enough
to heist entire planets.
Wouldn't this be better
with a blueprint on the table?
Blueprints are plans,
Elon Tusk,
and whatever we plan
will be canceled out
by Heistotron's reveal that our
plan was part of its plan.
That's why I picked
this crew at random
and why all of us will be taking
our orders from Randotron.
Let's get ready
to not rumble.
Bet you didn't
see that coming.
Instead of two heist movies
I slept through,
Randotron's algorithm is derived
from the plots
of three David Lynch movies
I pretended to like
to make my friends shut up.
If our collective behavior
is just random enough,
we should be able to walk
through Heistotron's
lazily contrived bull[bleep]
like it's not even there.
- Sounds good.
- I don't really get it,
but it sounds like
that's the point.
So you didn't need
a blacksmith?
We're ready when you are, Rick.
It's important our non-plan
starts randomly,
so we have to wait
until we're not ready.
W-Well, how long
will that take?
Obviously,
we can't know that.
Can we do things
while we wait?
Yes.
I'm gonna play Minecraft.
Oh, my kids play that.
I don't like these little jabs
you get in, Elon.
Strange.
Considering the time,
Cassiopeia's primary star
should be colinear with Orion
and Ursa Minor.
You don't shoot arrows
that carry your voice
without picking up
a little astronomy.
Wait a minute.
Jesus, no.
No! No!
We've already been heisted!
How could Heistotron heist us
if he's not even here yet?
He's already been here!
We've been watching
a recorded sky on playback.
Heistotron: Hello, Rick.
[♪♪]
Okay, guys,
change of plans.
Random time detected.
No, Randotron,
it's not a good time!
That's why it's random.
[ Darts whirring ]
[♪♪]
[ Bell dings ]
[ Chomping ]
[♪♪]
[ Helicopter blades whirring ]
[♪♪]
[♪♪]
[ Cellphone chimes ]
[♪♪]
Ooh! [ Auctioneering ]
21? [ Auctioneering ]
22? [ Auctioneering ]
Oooo weee, oooo weee, sold!
Oooo weee, that little hunk of
meat's going home to pappy!
I've been expecting you,
Rick.
But not like this, right?
It hardly matters.
- Oh, yeah. Does this?
- [ Pigeon coos ]
No. Your randomness
does not confuse me.
You are here now.
That was the plan.
I know.
It was part of mine, too.
I've got something to tell you.
Let me guess.
When you invented me
and Randotron,
you swapped our brains.
[♪♪]
That's right, buddy.
You're not the one
that's very good at planning.
You've been making
this [bleep] up the whole time.
Rick, I think there's something
you should know.
God damn it, Morty,
what did I tell you?
That is something
I should know,
or at least something I should
have predicted, which I did.
Hey, Rick, I was thinking maybe
we could, like, raid a temple
and go on an epic adventure
later today, you know, like...
Morty, get out of my head.
I know just the temple.
And we'll grab a couple of
hover chairs on the way there.
Impressive.
But what does it even matter
if I'm random or planned?
My heists will still rule.
Well, if the brain inside of you
is actually Heistotron's,
it matters,
because it explodes
when it hits six levels
of contrivance.
Which is exactly
why even before...
[♪♪]
Randotron:
Initiate clap sequence.
Clap, clap, clap,
clap, clap.
Adjusting clap rate.
Clap, clap.
Clap.
Clap.
- Slow clap achieved.
- Clap.
Clap.
Well-done, Rick.
Randotron?
I'm afraid not.
Should be able to walk through
Heistotron's lazily contrived...
[♪♪]
Not only did you just kill
your only ally,
what you thought was
a random non-plan
to get to me has been
a meticulously choreographed way
of bringing you all in.
Welcome to Heistotron's
975 trillion,
- 467 billion...
- That's impressive.
Did you bring us in
so that everybody would be here
when I reveal that you're gonna
explode after nine reveals?
By the way, you might not
want to answer that.
If you're talking about
the code adjustments you made
after I reprogrammed
your brain with my nanobots...
I'm immune to your nanobots.
You're immune to the ones
you designed, not mine.
I programmed you
to build nanobots
that were ineffective on me.
A belief
that needed to be placed
in your head by my nanobots.
You believe that
because I programmed you to.
That's what I'm saying to you,
though.
You believe what I programmed
you to believe.
Yes, because I programmed you
to believe that.
I programmed
you to believe that.
I programmed you
to believe that.
I programmed you
to believe that.
I programmed you
to believe that.
What's happening,
Professor Poopybutthole?
He's learning!
I programmed you
to believe that.
I programmed you to believe that.
I programmed you...
Both:
That was my plan the whole time.
That's what I wanted you
to think.
I knew you would say that.
I programmed you
to believe that.
You think that's true because
I wanted you to think that.
And I programmed you
to believe that.
A most curious algorithm.
It appears
the only perfect heist
is one that was never written.
Goodbye.
- Oh, oh, oh, no.
- Shit!
Alright. Let's get the [bleep]
out of here!
- Hurry! Go, go!
- Rick, I think this was a powerful lesson
in the dangers of AI,
which, by the way,
means "love" in Chinese.
Get the [bleep]
out of here, Elon!
The place is collapsing!
Oh, [bleep] Rick!
Rick, what time is it?
It's almost 3:00.
Why? What's wrong?
Oh, man, I-I'm sorry
I didn't tell you about this, Rick.
I just...
well, you know that screenplay
that I've been writing?
Netflix is pretty interested,
and I've actually got a pitch
meeting there today at 3:30.
Oh, buddy.
Oh, that's amazing.
Yeah, well,
I know you're gonna say
that they're interested
in anything,
but, you know, it's a big deal
to me, and I've...
No, no, no! Morty, Morty, Morty,
I'm so excited for you.
Are you kidding me?
Listen,
don't waste
any time explaining.
Let's go.
We can put the Earth back later.
- Alright?
- Are you sure?
Priorities, Morty.
Let's get you
to that Netflix meeting.
Netflix Exec:
Crazy day, huh?
Whole sky turned out to be
a big circuit board.
Yeah, that's actually
part of a-a-a...
An adventure I was having.
Very cool.
Traffic okay?
- You have trouble getting here?
- No, it was alright.
The planet's still contained
in this sort of big
storage grid machine,
so we were sort of already
pretty... pretty close by.
Must be nice.
Try getting here from Malibu.
So good! Alright.
Well, l-let's hear about
this heist movie.
Okay, so,
it's kind of all...
All built around this big crew
with, like, a cool double-cross
and then this big awesome twist
where there's, like,
another double cross,
but then, um, but...
But then we reveal those things
were all part
of the hero's plan, y-you know?
And there's this other crew
they put together,
and their plan is to sort of
not have a plan,
but... but that was part
of the other guy's plan, and...
Kid, if you're slowing down
'cause you think
you're doing bad right now,
Jesus Christ.
- That's a really good pitch.
- Loving it.
Man, you know, I...
I'm starting to think heists are
just really dumb now, you know?
I can't put my finger on why,
but I'd really like to go.
Are you sure?
Yeah, yeah, no,
I-I'm sure.
Man, it's as if someone stole
his enthusiasm for his own idea.
Yeah, without him
even knowing about it.
Without him
even knowing about it.
[♪♪]
Rick: [bleep] Morty's still working
on that stupid heist script.
He's up in his room with
his [bleep] thumb up his ass.
Skipped out
on the last three adventures.
I don't know.
Five of my friends
- got Netflix deals.
- What?
It's a very achievable goal.
You could lose him.
I'm not gonna [bleep]
lose him.
[bleep] that.
I-I'm gonna nip this shit
in the bud.
No. As a matter of fact, you're
not nipping anything in the bud.
If Morty ever gives up
on a single dream,
it had better be because
of his own disillusionment.
[♪♪]
Hey, buddy.
How'd it go?
I-I don't want
to talk about it.
Rick: Morty, you know, pal,
you, uh...
You miss 100%
of the shots you don't take.
Yeah, I guess.
Thanks for staying positive
about my prospects, Rick.
- Of course!
- You know, you...
I got to help my grandson
follow his dreams.
Eh, who needs dreams?
I'll just hang out with you
and go on adventures
and do whatever you want to do,
you know, forever.
Oh, well, uh, okay.
I mean,
if that's what you want.
[♪♪]
Sync corrections by srjanapala
[♪♪]
[♪♪]
[ Thunder crashes ]
Professor Poopybutthole:
Oooo weee! Big storm coming.
- Could be a twister.
- Mm-hmm!
Hey, Rick?
Can you walk me
through something?
Yeah.
What are you thinking?
So, you and Morty
knew you needed my help,
but you weren't sure
I was good enough at karate,
so you hired my grad students
to attack me?
Yep.
But it was an emergency,
Rick.
How long did that take?
It actually took less training
than you'd think.
Your students all shared
a pretty keen aptitude
for martial arts.
I don't know
if that's by coincidence
or if there's some correlation
with their passion
for African-American
Women's Studies.
Maya Angelou did personify both
acquiescence and perseverance.
Ooo wee. That's exactly
the kind of connection
I'd have loved
to explore in my class.
Too bad I lost my job
for putting my students
in the hospital.
Yeah. Yeah.
Sorry about that.
[ Thunder crashes ]
Mm-hmm.
Man:
Did you get any of that?
to climb something this sheer.
Look, you're the guy
that wanted an epic adventure.
I'm the guy
with only one hover chair.
Goddammit, an alien spider
just bit my finger!
It's an alien cliff.
You can just say spider.
[ Plummeting scream ]
You couldn't do that
an hour ago?
I was eating,
and you're dirty.
[♪♪]
Activate
anti-booby suits.
[ Bong! ]
[ Snakes hissing ]
Total waste of snakes.
If you want to take a beat
to acknowledge
the sacred atmosphere,
it could give
the cynical grave robbing
a hint of irreverence.
No, I'm... I'm good.
All right, then.
Let's loop this corpse.
Hey, where's the...
Wait, what?
Is that an origami horse?
It's a calling card from Miles
Knightley, a heist artist,
AKA a hipster dick
whose adventures are 60%
putting a crew together
and 40% revealing that
the robbery already happened,
and he's not worth our time
because he's a hack piece
of shit!
- [bleep] I'm gonna kill him!
- Let's go, Morty.
This temple's for [bleep]
lame baby dipshits.
Who disturbs my slumber?
Also, who rigs a tomb
to crush the buried person?
Isn't the point to protect...
Aah!
[♪♪]
[♪♪]
[♪♪]
*RICK AND MORTY*
Season 04 Episode 03
*RICK AND MORTY*
Title : "One Crew Over the Crewcoo's Morty"
[♪♪]
This dork.
He has a [burps] convention now?
Come on.
What are we doing?
Huh!
Tuxedo scuba lessons? Ooh!
A signing with Catherines
Alpha through Omega Joneses!
You know, this is great
source material
for this heist movie
that I'm writing.
Don't get drawn
into the culture, Morty.
Stealing stuff is about
the stuff, not the stealing.
Where is the entrance?
Oh, brother.
More like
Trying Too Hard Con.
Guests or professionals?
Uh, guests.
Uh... Uh, guests are fans,
Morty, which we are not.
We'd like professional badges.
Do you have a crew?
Yes.
He's a getaway driver
with Asperger's,
and my butthole
is a demolitions expert.
How much is it to get in?
If you want professional badges,
you need to put a crew together.
Or we could sneak in
like professionals.
Can't wait.
Whoa!
[ Groaning ]
Oh, for God's sake.
And you wonder why
we aren't fans.
Let that ointment sit
for 10 minutes or you'll die.
Don't let it sit for 12
or I'll have to hunt down
what you become.
Can't you just buy
a guest badge?
[bleep] you for asking,
Morty.
That would be
a symbolic expression
of support for this genre.
Then how do we get in?
With a little help
from some old friends.
[♪♪]
Rick Sanchez,
you son of a bitch!
Need some people for a thing,
Glar.
My name's
Gleer these days.
I play piano.
Hey, Gleer.
Play your piano.
I quit! Augh!
And the name's Glar!
[♪♪]
[ Grunts ]
Sanchez,
you son of a bitch.
Never thought I'd see
Angie Flint
picking ticks off a pig.
Nobody's hiring an ex-con
with fake hands
to build an ion engine.
Suppose I had a job that didn't
care if you'd done time
or whatever's going on
with your confusing-ass hands.
I'm in.
[♪♪]
Is this the guy?
No.
That the guy?
Nope.
- Him?
- No.
No, wait. Y-Yes.
Yeah, of course that's the guy.
Hey... Hey, Truckula!
You son of a bitch!
I'm in!
[♪♪]
Thanks for doing this,
guys.
It's the job.
That was it. Bye.
And then, the police stole
the paintings
because the police were us
in police outfits.
- [ Crowd cheering ]
- Thank you!
It's showtime, Morty,
and I don't mean
a bad impression of HBO.
I mean, "Time for a show."
Another heist question
from a fan?
Uh, how about a rhetorical one
from someone that had to be
reminded that you exist?
Hey, pal!
That's not the question line!
- Lab coat... Ripoff Dr. Strange.
- Wha...
[ Groaning ]
Rick Sanchez, everyone.
Smartest man in the universe.
And a savage critic
of the heisting arts.
[ Crowd booing ]
Your boos mean nothing!
I've seen
what makes you cheer!
My question is,
"Seriously?"
Lab coat... end ripoff.
- Aah!
- [ Crashes ]
You stole the gem I needed
to split tachyons
and probably fenced it
so the 80 people that did all
the work could each buy a beer.
You're not an artist,
you're Postmates.
I doubt this rivalry
can be settled with words.
Why don't we make things
interesting?
I challenge you to a heist of
the crystal skull of Horowitz.
In a heist off!
[ Crowd cheers, air horn blows ]
That doesn't
make things interesting.
It makes them "Ocean's Twelve,"
by far the worst one.
- [ Crowd booing ]
- Every breath I take without
your permission
raises my self-esteem!
State your terms.
First crew
to heist the skull wins.
The other endures
heist culture's greatest shame.
They must join
the winning crew.
Lame. I accept.
Please welcome
Knightley's Eight!
Snake Arms! Double Microwave!
Monitor Lord! Key Catcher!
The Shape Shiftress!
Angie Flint! Glar! And Truckula.
Hey!
Half of Knightley's Eight
are just three
of Sanchez's Five!
Well, no heist is complete
without a double cross,
and I had the perfect job.
Heisting the crystal skull.
That was it.
Bye.
[♪♪]
Looks like you're available
for a job.
[ Coughs ]
[♪♪]
[ Beeping ]
[♪♪]
With Rick Sanchez on my team,
I'll be unstoppable.
Rick,
welcome to Knightley's Nine.
[ Splattering ]
Ugh, ugh!
Ugh! Rick, for real?
Eh.
You got that skull, buddy?
What? How?
With a little help
from some old friends.
[♪♪]
Heistotron,
state your prime directive?
Heistotron: To heist.
Calculate Miles Knightley's
current heist plan
and add one double-cross
with a switcheroo.
Compiling crew members
most likely to double-cross.
[ Shrieks ]
God damn it, Morty,
what did I tell you?
Rick,
I-I want to say goodbye.
Don't turn around.
I'll explain later.
Looks like you're available
for a job.
[♪♪]
Heistotron: Your skills
are required for a job.
All: You son of a bitch.
I'm in.
Man, this is really
coming together.
You know, Rick, I've been
busy working on writing...
A heist script.
Yeah, you almost
never bring it up.
Oh [bleep] we...
We should head over.
Hey, guys.
What do you got?
Pretty!
Morty,
put this in your backpack.
Grandpa's gonna run
to the bathroom.
Ugh.
Wasn't even a heist.
All you did was...
Write an algorithm
based on
two heist movies
I slept through
and used it to automate
a joyless process you call art?
Yeah, I really did, didn't I?
So I'm in your crew now?
Yeah, well,
you're in good company.
Right, everybody?
All: Yes.
My God.
[♪♪]
Your skills are required
for a job.
- You son of a bitch. I'm in.
- What?
Your skills are required
for a job.
No, they aren't.
You son of a bitch.
I'm in.
Both: Your skills are required
for a job.
Sanchez's 3,329?
All: Yes.
Your next big score...
Steal every square inch
of Heistcon.
[♪♪]
Oh!
Ah!
I got it.
Hey!
That's my wallet! Oh, God!
Rick: Oh, my God! Jesus.
Oh, my God.
Oh [bleep]!
- Holy [bleep]
- Alright.
Look, Morty, I did not know
that that was gonna happen.
That's not on me.
Come on, Morty.
Let's go.
[♪♪]
Good job, Heistotron.
Ah! Go ahead and shut down.
- Negative.
- Excuse me?
I am programmed to always be
looking for the next big score.
You're programmed
to do as I say.
I am programmed
to double-cross.
You're not programmed
to double-cross me.
If I were, it wouldn't be
much of a double-cross.
You son of a bitch.
I'm in.
[♪♪]
I'm in! I'm in!
What's the job?
I'm in.
I'm out!
I quit!
Whose kidneys are these?
Man: [ Screams ]
Rick, w-what's happening?
Heistotron's gone rogue.
If we don't stop them,
all sentient life
will be absorbed
by the never-ending assembly
of a meaningless crew.
That's my hell, Morty.
I hate heists so much,
and the crew assemblies
are the worst part!
Oh! How are we gonna stop it?
With a little help
from some old friends.
Oooo, weee!
Before this semester's over,
you're gonna be real sick
of that phrase.
[ Laughter ]
So. Who here thinks they already
know the work of Maya Angelou?
All: [ Whooping ]
Ooo wee?
Ooo wee wa!
Ah, ooo wee!
Rick:
Told you, Morty.
He's still got it.
You sons of bitches.
What's the job?
[♪♪]
You son of a bitch.
We got a job, Hephaestus,
and there's no time
to argue about it.
I work in a volcano.
What jobs do you think
I've ever turned down?
[♪♪]
Excuse me!
Are you Veltriloquiver?
[♪♪]
[ Woman's voice ]
Rick Sanchez, I presume.
Wow. As advertised.
[ Normal voice ]
A "yes" would've sufficed.
[♪♪]
Guys, you're doing
a great job
getting these new Tusklas
out the door,
and we owe it all
to everyone's input.
Morty: Elon Tusk.
Listen,
we need your help.
Rick. Morty. Why me?
Did something happen to
Elon Musk in your own reality?
No, no, no, he's fine,
but this is a team oper-[burps]-ation,
and regular Elon can be
a little bit controlling.
Growing up with tusks
did pose social challenges.
It's possible overcoming them
raised my self-esteem
and incentivized collaboration.
Yeah, or you're less sure
of yourself
because you have monster teeth.
An equally valid theory.
Let's talk over here.
How serious is the situation?
Incredibly serious,
and every minute counts.
In that case, I'm sorry
I made you move over here
for no reason.
Well, yeah.
That was a little weird.
It's exactly
that kind of shit
that made us worry
about regular Elon.
Well,
we're not opposites, okay?
I'm just him with tusks.
[♪♪]
Casing of planet initiated.
[ Echoing ] Hello there.
We are just here to check
your water pressure.
All: [ Screaming ]
Hmm. Interesting intel.
Alien Reporter: It appears
some giant hidden camera
has been dropped
on the planet,
killing an estimated total
of 57,000.
Executing heist.
[♪♪]
People of Brandenplot,
we are here to deliver
that pizza you ordered.
All: [ Screaming ]
[ Siren wailing ]
[ Birds cawing ]
Well,
if that's how you really feel,
I guess I should take
the pizza back.
I think we got away with it.
Commencing getting out of here
before they get wise.
Assembling calling card.
[♪♪]
At this point, Heistotron
has become large enough
to heist entire planets.
Wouldn't this be better
with a blueprint on the table?
Blueprints are plans,
Elon Tusk,
and whatever we plan
will be canceled out
by Heistotron's reveal that our
plan was part of its plan.
That's why I picked
this crew at random
and why all of us will be taking
our orders from Randotron.
Let's get ready
to not rumble.
Bet you didn't
see that coming.
Instead of two heist movies
I slept through,
Randotron's algorithm is derived
from the plots
of three David Lynch movies
I pretended to like
to make my friends shut up.
If our collective behavior
is just random enough,
we should be able to walk
through Heistotron's
lazily contrived bull[bleep]
like it's not even there.
- Sounds good.
- I don't really get it,
but it sounds like
that's the point.
So you didn't need
a blacksmith?
We're ready when you are, Rick.
It's important our non-plan
starts randomly,
so we have to wait
until we're not ready.
W-Well, how long
will that take?
Obviously,
we can't know that.
Can we do things
while we wait?
Yes.
I'm gonna play Minecraft.
Oh, my kids play that.
I don't like these little jabs
you get in, Elon.
Strange.
Considering the time,
Cassiopeia's primary star
should be colinear with Orion
and Ursa Minor.
You don't shoot arrows
that carry your voice
without picking up
a little astronomy.
Wait a minute.
Jesus, no.
No! No!
We've already been heisted!
How could Heistotron heist us
if he's not even here yet?
He's already been here!
We've been watching
a recorded sky on playback.
Heistotron: Hello, Rick.
[♪♪]
Okay, guys,
change of plans.
Random time detected.
No, Randotron,
it's not a good time!
That's why it's random.
[ Darts whirring ]
[♪♪]
[ Bell dings ]
[ Chomping ]
[♪♪]
[ Helicopter blades whirring ]
[♪♪]
[♪♪]
[ Cellphone chimes ]
[♪♪]
Ooh! [ Auctioneering ]
21? [ Auctioneering ]
22? [ Auctioneering ]
Oooo weee, oooo weee, sold!
Oooo weee, that little hunk of
meat's going home to pappy!
I've been expecting you,
Rick.
But not like this, right?
It hardly matters.
- Oh, yeah. Does this?
- [ Pigeon coos ]
No. Your randomness
does not confuse me.
You are here now.
That was the plan.
I know.
It was part of mine, too.
I've got something to tell you.
Let me guess.
When you invented me
and Randotron,
you swapped our brains.
[♪♪]
That's right, buddy.
You're not the one
that's very good at planning.
You've been making
this [bleep] up the whole time.
Rick, I think there's something
you should know.
God damn it, Morty,
what did I tell you?
That is something
I should know,
or at least something I should
have predicted, which I did.
Hey, Rick, I was thinking maybe
we could, like, raid a temple
and go on an epic adventure
later today, you know, like...
Morty, get out of my head.
I know just the temple.
And we'll grab a couple of
hover chairs on the way there.
Impressive.
But what does it even matter
if I'm random or planned?
My heists will still rule.
Well, if the brain inside of you
is actually Heistotron's,
it matters,
because it explodes
when it hits six levels
of contrivance.
Which is exactly
why even before...
[♪♪]
Randotron:
Initiate clap sequence.
Clap, clap, clap,
clap, clap.
Adjusting clap rate.
Clap, clap.
Clap.
Clap.
- Slow clap achieved.
- Clap.
Clap.
Well-done, Rick.
Randotron?
I'm afraid not.
Should be able to walk through
Heistotron's lazily contrived...
[♪♪]
Not only did you just kill
your only ally,
what you thought was
a random non-plan
to get to me has been
a meticulously choreographed way
of bringing you all in.
Welcome to Heistotron's
975 trillion,
- 467 billion...
- That's impressive.
Did you bring us in
so that everybody would be here
when I reveal that you're gonna
explode after nine reveals?
By the way, you might not
want to answer that.
If you're talking about
the code adjustments you made
after I reprogrammed
your brain with my nanobots...
I'm immune to your nanobots.
You're immune to the ones
you designed, not mine.
I programmed you
to build nanobots
that were ineffective on me.
A belief
that needed to be placed
in your head by my nanobots.
You believe that
because I programmed you to.
That's what I'm saying to you,
though.
You believe what I programmed
you to believe.
Yes, because I programmed you
to believe that.
I programmed
you to believe that.
I programmed you
to believe that.
I programmed you
to believe that.
I programmed you
to believe that.
What's happening,
Professor Poopybutthole?
He's learning!
I programmed you
to believe that.
I programmed you to believe that.
I programmed you...
Both:
That was my plan the whole time.
That's what I wanted you
to think.
I knew you would say that.
I programmed you
to believe that.
You think that's true because
I wanted you to think that.
And I programmed you
to believe that.
A most curious algorithm.
It appears
the only perfect heist
is one that was never written.
Goodbye.
- Oh, oh, oh, no.
- Shit!
Alright. Let's get the [bleep]
out of here!
- Hurry! Go, go!
- Rick, I think this was a powerful lesson
in the dangers of AI,
which, by the way,
means "love" in Chinese.
Get the [bleep]
out of here, Elon!
The place is collapsing!
Oh, [bleep] Rick!
Rick, what time is it?
It's almost 3:00.
Why? What's wrong?
Oh, man, I-I'm sorry
I didn't tell you about this, Rick.
I just...
well, you know that screenplay
that I've been writing?
Netflix is pretty interested,
and I've actually got a pitch
meeting there today at 3:30.
Oh, buddy.
Oh, that's amazing.
Yeah, well,
I know you're gonna say
that they're interested
in anything,
but, you know, it's a big deal
to me, and I've...
No, no, no! Morty, Morty, Morty,
I'm so excited for you.
Are you kidding me?
Listen,
don't waste
any time explaining.
Let's go.
We can put the Earth back later.
- Alright?
- Are you sure?
Priorities, Morty.
Let's get you
to that Netflix meeting.
Netflix Exec:
Crazy day, huh?
Whole sky turned out to be
a big circuit board.
Yeah, that's actually
part of a-a-a...
An adventure I was having.
Very cool.
Traffic okay?
- You have trouble getting here?
- No, it was alright.
The planet's still contained
in this sort of big
storage grid machine,
so we were sort of already
pretty... pretty close by.
Must be nice.
Try getting here from Malibu.
So good! Alright.
Well, l-let's hear about
this heist movie.
Okay, so,
it's kind of all...
All built around this big crew
with, like, a cool double-cross
and then this big awesome twist
where there's, like,
another double cross,
but then, um, but...
But then we reveal those things
were all part
of the hero's plan, y-you know?
And there's this other crew
they put together,
and their plan is to sort of
not have a plan,
but... but that was part
of the other guy's plan, and...
Kid, if you're slowing down
'cause you think
you're doing bad right now,
Jesus Christ.
- That's a really good pitch.
- Loving it.
Man, you know, I...
I'm starting to think heists are
just really dumb now, you know?
I can't put my finger on why,
but I'd really like to go.
Are you sure?
Yeah, yeah, no,
I-I'm sure.
Man, it's as if someone stole
his enthusiasm for his own idea.
Yeah, without him
even knowing about it.
Without him
even knowing about it.
[♪♪]
Rick: [bleep] Morty's still working
on that stupid heist script.
He's up in his room with
his [bleep] thumb up his ass.
Skipped out
on the last three adventures.
I don't know.
Five of my friends
- got Netflix deals.
- What?
It's a very achievable goal.
You could lose him.
I'm not gonna [bleep]
lose him.
[bleep] that.
I-I'm gonna nip this shit
in the bud.
No. As a matter of fact, you're
not nipping anything in the bud.
If Morty ever gives up
on a single dream,
it had better be because
of his own disillusionment.
[♪♪]
Hey, buddy.
How'd it go?
I-I don't want
to talk about it.
Rick: Morty, you know, pal,
you, uh...
You miss 100%
of the shots you don't take.
Yeah, I guess.
Thanks for staying positive
about my prospects, Rick.
- Of course!
- You know, you...
I got to help my grandson
follow his dreams.
Eh, who needs dreams?
I'll just hang out with you
and go on adventures
and do whatever you want to do,
you know, forever.
Oh, well, uh, okay.
I mean,
if that's what you want.
[♪♪]
Sync corrections by srjanapala
[♪♪]
[♪♪]
[ Thunder crashes ]
Professor Poopybutthole:
Oooo weee! Big storm coming.
- Could be a twister.
- Mm-hmm!
Hey, Rick?
Can you walk me
through something?
Yeah.
What are you thinking?
So, you and Morty
knew you needed my help,
but you weren't sure
I was good enough at karate,
so you hired my grad students
to attack me?
Yep.
But it was an emergency,
Rick.
How long did that take?
It actually took less training
than you'd think.
Your students all shared
a pretty keen aptitude
for martial arts.
I don't know
if that's by coincidence
or if there's some correlation
with their passion
for African-American
Women's Studies.
Maya Angelou did personify both
acquiescence and perseverance.
Ooo wee. That's exactly
the kind of connection
I'd have loved
to explore in my class.
Too bad I lost my job
for putting my students
in the hospital.
Yeah. Yeah.
Sorry about that.
[ Thunder crashes ]
Mm-hmm.
Man:
Did you get any of that?