Rick and Morty (2013–…): Season 4, Episode 4 - Claw and Hoarder: Special Ricktim's Morty - full transcript
Special Ricktims Morty Morty gets a dragon in this one broh. It's a wild ride broh.
Rick, we did it!
We -- we got it!
Hurry up, morty.
Get in!
Chachi!
[bleep] chachi, morty.
Did you get it?
He helped me escape prison.
Did you get
the ultimate cube?
Oh, it's purple.
Y-you said
it was purple.
I said mine was.
I didn't know they all were.
And now we do,
thanks to chichi.
Chachi.
So, uh,
w-w-when do I get it?
Get what, a hug?
Let's find a planet
with a garden hose first.
A dragon.
A dragon.
You asked me to cut class
and fight robots with you.
I said, "no."
you said, "millions of lives
depend on it."
I said, "I'll do it
for a dragon."
you said, "whatever."
I want my dragon.
You know who's into dragons,
morty?
Nerds that refuse to admit
they're christian.
I want my dragon.
Let me give you
rocket shoes.
Let me give you
wolverine claws.
Let me give you
a [bleep] rocket hat.
Just be sure to use it
with the rocket shoes,
or it'll rip your head off.
I want my dragon!
I want my dragon!
I want my dragon!
[ gas hisses ]
oh.
Oh, crap. [ coughs ]
crap.
Dad, are you okay?
Your ship
crashed in malta.
[ groans ] I'm okay.
Oh, thank god.
Dad, did you promise
morty a dragon?
Fuuuuuuu--
♪
♪
♪
♪
ugh!
Bleed here and here.
Rick:
I'm not co-bleeding.
Under authority
of our treaty
'twixt the realms
of dragon and man...
Oh, my god,
it's my first gay wedding.
Summer!
...I hereby bind
this noble serpent and rider
at the soul.
Here's your tome of
dragon spells and lore.
That'll have everything
you need.
Enjoy your dragon.
Okay, dragon,
here's the house rules.
[ roars ]
my name is balthromaw,
breaker of sky,
slayer of mountain.
Rule one -- you are now scooper
of your own poops,
or I will take you down like
the black-light poster you are.
I don't got any more rules.
That's it.
[ door closes ]
I'm guessing you'd rather not
be tagged in this.
Okay, I'll bite.
What's with
the talking cat?
It's a dragon,
dip knob.
I know that's a dragon.
I'm talking about
the talking cat in my bedroom.
Jerry, why would I give morty
a talking dragon
and you a talking cat
at the same time?
Those concepts bump.
If you're talking to a cat,
it's an abnormal event
unrelated to me like
when you went to pluto
or [bleep] my daughter.
Okay, there's really no need
to get savage.
Cat: So?
Eh, he says he has nothing
to do with your talking.
Told you.
So then
why are you talking?
Why should that matter?
Why should it not matter?
How do I know I'm not
hallucinating?
Rick said this is
an abnormal event.
Do you always need rick
to tell you what's going on?
Maybe it's time you stopped
asking questions
and started having fun.
Oh.
Wow, okay.
So, what do you want?
I want you to take us
to the airport
and get us two
first-class tickets to florida.
Why, I --
I can do that.
[ laughing ]
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Oh, this is so cool!
[ sighs ]
I await
your next command.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Nobody is commanding anybody.
I love soaring through the sky
with you as equals.
W-what do you
want to do?
I want to enter my lair
and sleep upon my hoard
until the age of man
expires.
Okay.
Split the diff?
20-minute nap
and soar through the sky?
Ugh.
As you command.
Okay, see you soon.
T-this is fun.
Yeah, right.
What's this show called,
"ass"?
Yeah, it's like "bones,"
but they solve ass crimes.
Woman on tv:
This ass is a clue.
Are these two
gonna hook up?
No, and only the lame fans
want that.
Don't tell me
how to enjoy things.
Go to her ass.
That's brenner.
Go to brenner ass.
Honeymoon over
already?
What's that
supposed to mean?
Admit it, morty.
Dragons suck.
Why don't you admit you don't
anyone else to be happy
because
you're a sad old fart?
How do you
saddle a fart?
Holy [bleep]
look!
-I love you, ass.
-I love you, brenner.
No.
Shh.
Ah!
Oh!
And that's the end of the
"morty gets a dragon" episode.
Are you gonna
slay it?
First off,
I always slay it, queen.
Secondly, yes.
Should I pause "ass"?
Nah, it's kind of boring
now that they're together.
[ snoring ]
hey [bleep]
will you shut the [bleep] up
or at least roll over?
[ groans ]
oh, no, it burns.
Oh, my god.
Oh, the fire of -- of it all.
Ah, if only I had
prepared better
for this terrifying battle
by remembering
the only thing dragons
are known for.
♪
careful you don't
get heartburn.
I made that android
with a lot of c4.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I imbued it with
a remote-controlled
explode-y potion.
You have bested me.
I am at your service.
Good to be on
the same parchment.
Now, I'm gonna tell
my grandson you ran off
with a low-flying 747
while you pack up your --
wait, is this --
why do you have an original
ecto cooler
juice box from 1989?
I hoard that which
your kind covets.
Give you 20 bucks for it.
[ chuckles ] nice try.
What the hell else
are you hoarding down here?
Cha-ching.
"small soldiers" spin pops?
Don't open that.
I'm not an idiot.
Hey, why do you have future's
self-titled album on vinyl?
Look closer.
Oh [bleep]
he signed it.
Closer.
He signed it in molly
and percocet?
I could spend all night
down here.
Do you indulge
in volcanic fumes?
Is it gonna
[bleep] up my brain?
No.
I'll do it anyway.
Hoo, those were not
cheap tickets,
but, um,
I'm down to clown.
Uh, w-w-w-why can you talk
again, uh?
It's not important,
jerry.
Okay,
but why florida?
Because they don't
ask questions.
They play volleyball,
they party, and they have fun.
Right, right.
You can do this,
jerry.
I can do this.
I can do this.
Ugh!
Oh, yeah.
Jipe:
Hey, jerry, after this game,
come to my yacht
and bring your cat.
You got it, jipe.
I got to admit,
you were right.
I've got to tell you
something, jerry.
This is the happiest I've ever
been in my entire life.
Woman: Oh, gross!
Who shit in the sand?
Someone took a small shit
in the sand
and buried it with, like,
two little kicks
and just left it here
like a land mine.
Why and who?
It was him.
[ booing ]
help!
♪ yo ♪
♪ percocets, yeah, molly,
percocets, percosets ♪
♪ percocets, yeah, molly,
percocets, percosets ♪
♪ mask on,
mask off ♪
♪ gas gone, never nod off ♪
I'm being summoned
by morty.
Yeah.
He's, uh, texting me.
Hmm.
How are you responding?
Ugh, I tend not to,
or maybe I'll send, like,
a popular animated gif
that could be interpreted
in almost any way.
Brilliant.
I summon thee.
I summon thee,
balthromaw.
What the hell?
Taylor swift pumping her hands
in the air?
What does it mean when --
it means you're lame.
♪ yo ♪
♪ percocets, yeah, molly,
percocets, percosets ♪
♪ percocets, yeah, molly,
percocets, percosets ♪
♪ mask on,
mask off ♪
♪ gas gone,
never nod off ♪
balthromaw:
What's the saying?
"orcs work to live.
Dwarves live to work."
so dumb.
If there's ever a saying
about me,
I'll fly into
the [bleep] sun.
[ laughs ]
oh, you're small for a dragon,
rick.
Well, I sleep on an extra big
pile of awesome shit.
Then there will be sayings
about you.
Your lessers
will hunt you down,
and you will be
owned or slain.
That's why they call it
a dying breed, brother.
Ugh! Ugh!
Oh, god, ugh.
My soul.
Oh!
Oh, yeah.
I'm --
I'm -- I'm a dragon.
Oh!
Ugh, I'm bonding.
I'm bonding too.
Oh!
Yeah.
What the [bleep]
morty, I can explain.
Stop!
Why are you
still doing it?
Why does it
feel better now?
I hope it's not because you're
watching but don't go anywhere.
How did you find us?
We followed the smell
of sulfur and skankery.
Oh!
Oh, yeah.
Oh, man, ugh.
[bleep] this.
You can take this stupid
fake soul-bond contract,
and you can -- mm!
Ah!
No refunds.
Your dragon soul-bonded
with my grandpa.
Oh, my!
I am so sorry.
That is
a total violation.
Yeah, no shit.
I'll take care of this
at once.
You slut dragon!
What the [bleep]
you slut.
Chill out, dude.
Slut!
Okay, that's --
you slut!
Y-you don't have to --
slut!
Shame on you!
Shame, you slut!
You slutty, slutty slut!
Ow! Why the [bleep] does it feel
like you're whipping me?
Because your soul got tangled
in a dirty....
Ah!
...Slutty...
Ow!
...Slut soul!
Ow!
Let's go!
Ow! Ow!
Get to that portal,
you slut.
Grandpa, do something,
or I will tweet,
and you will be canceled.
Hey, dandruff the great, lighten
up and give the kid his dragon.
By whose command?
You have no magic.
Yeah, I know.
I have actual power.
Not here, you don't.
True power looks like this --
stone monster.
Stick that up your ass
oh, you're done?
I thought the rock monster was
here to introduce a physicist.
Spinal cord, uh,
activate morphine.
Oh,
I might be [bleep]
lightning bridge!
Okay, he's gone.
Listen up.
There's probably animals
in these hills.
If you spare me, I can make
your crotch a salt lick.
Agana aksaka sapooloo.
Thank you, morty.
Figures you'd be higher status
in lame world.
Get your [bleep] together,
lair wrecker.
We need to rescue
balthromaw.
Morty, the moral of this story
is bros before dragons.
You know what
I'm talking about?
Yeah, if he dies while
you're soul bonded, you die too.
Morty, the moral of this story
is bros rescue dragons.
Balthromaw, by soul bonding
with multiple riders,
you have violated the treaty
between dragon and mankind.
The dragonarchy sentences you
to hang by the neck until dead.
On the count of three.
One dragonarchy,
two dragonarchy,
2 1/2 --
I just wanted to make sure --
three!
[ choking ]
grandpa rick, what's wrong?
Oh, god. The wizard must have
hung balthromaw!
Well, [bleep] it.
Can we go back then?
W-well, no, no.
It takes, like, 78 years
to hang a dragon
to death, so...
Aw, man.
It's so annoying.
You ever, like, try to swallow
a really big vitamin
with no water?
Ugh!
You know, like
[clears throat]
really, like,
big one, you know,
and it kind of gets,
ugh, stuck in your throat?
It's -- it's annoying.
All right.
Morty, go ahead
and activate this golem.
Agana aksaka sapooloo.
[ golem roaring ]
♪
♪
[bleep] dumb.
All right.
Who wants to be infused with,
like, uh, unreasonable power?
Oh, can I be, like,
a sexy arrow-shooty lady?
Yeah, whatever.
There's no rules. I don't care.
Morty,
you want superpowers?
No, thanks. I'm fine.
I've got my book.
All right.
Good luck with that.
Let's go.
[ roaring ]
[ coughs, clears throat ]
god, it's like --
have you ever had too much
orange juice,
or, like,
you know how egg yolk
kind of, like,
gets in your throat?
Yeah, we get it.
Come on and hurry.
W-we got to free
balthromaw.
Upsulu --
I got this.
Morty, how's that book
working out for you,
you [bleep] d-d-dumbass?
Huh. You know what?
You're right.
I could get used
to this magic stuff.
♪
there's balthromaw.
Check this shit out.
Watch this.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Don't even look.
Don't even bother looking.
Just [bleep] let magic
guide your arrow.
Summer, what the hell
are you doing?
Take this seriously.
Shut the [bleep] up, morty.
Stop trying to pretend like
magic involves skill or thought.
Summer, make it look like it's
coming out of your butthole.
Yeah, yeah.
Ah!
Oh, [bleep]
my [bleep] eye, oh!
What in the medieval
equivalent of tarnation --
jesus christ!
Summer,
you [bleep] idiot!
Power of 12 feet.
Uh, ow [bleep]
I take it all back!
I [bleep] hate magic!
Ah!
Slut thief!
You're a slut thief!
[ electronic music playing ]
pretty fun boat,
fun people.
That's great, not being asked
why I can talk.
I'm a talking cat, but
"who cares why?" is my point.
Well, nice talking to you
for no reason.
Jorge,
that was a good one,
but do you know what
a peanut butter gargoyle is?
Nah, what's that?
Dude, it's when you
take the chick,
put her feet on a cathedral --
sorry to interrupt, guys.
Just want to clarify,
are these real sex positions?
Because if they are,
how are they gratifying
to the male at all?
And if the goal is
to make something up,
why not make up
something...Funnier?
I'm asking too many questions,
aren't I?
How ironic.
Get out of florida,
you overthinking cat.
Why don't you go overthink
[bleep] up north in georgia?
All: Hate that cat.
You got any money
for a cab?
Why ask questions?
Why not just have fun?
I deserve that.
Wizard:
Attention, citizens of draygon,
a slut dragon has escaped.
Anyone caught harboring it
is also a slut.
That's how it goes.
Ow, my eye.
It pains me that
you can feel my pain.
Yeah, how about
you suck your [bleep]
which is also
somehow my [bleep]?
Aw, why can't couples that start
out cheating ever end up happy?
M-maybe I can find
that wizard's portal spell
in here and g-get us home.
How about finding the spell
that unbinds me
from your [bleep] dragon?
Debranavox:
No spells can do that.
Only the wizard
can unbind soul bonds.
Uh, who the [bleep] are you?
Who are we?
Who the [bleep] are you, bitch?
Debrah, stop.
We are the slut dragons.
We live in these slut caves
where we [bleep]
suck, and eat [bleep] and
we kindly ask that you leave.
If the wizard knows we are here,
he will imprison us.
Yeah!
We like it down here
'cause we can [bleep]
woolly mammoths. Get out!
Get the [bleep] out of here,
michael!
Shut up, michael!
You're the only one
that [bleep] that thing.
Get the [bleep] out of here.
Well, at least
I'm not into [bleep] play.
-[bleep] you!
-Hey, wait!
Everybody stop, stop!
Listen,
this is all my fault.
I started all this when
I tried to control balthromaw,
and that was [bleep] up.
Nobody should control anyone,
especially that guy up there.
And, um, you can eat [bleep]
if you want, I guess.
I, uh --
I got this, morty.
Okay, listen up,
slut dragons!
Wouldn't you rather
be sluts up there,
have a [bleep] world
instead of a [bleep] cave?
What's wrong with you?
This man with a ponytail
makes a valid point.
All dragons are sluts deep down,
even the ones up above,
but we would have to kill
the wizard to be free.
He is too powerful.
There is a way
to kill the wizard.
Whoa.
Who's this mysterious character?
Shadow jacker,
you haven't come out
of your masturbation cave
in eons.
It's high time I emerge
from my [bleep] cocoon.
I grow tired of eavesdropping
and masturbating
to the sounds
you all make.
Jesus christ.
All right.
C-could use
a little more mystery.
Oh, oh, just now
seeing the staff.
We've never had enough sluts
to defeat the wizard.
Now, with the four fresh,
wet sluts that
just landed on our doorstep,
we finally have a chance.
So killing the wizard
will break my soul bond.
Yes, it solves
all of our problems.
We must begin
a 10-slut soul orgy...
Morty: Wait, wait, what?
...And become the all-slut
slut phoenix dragon, slut.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Hold on. Hold on.
There's got to be
something else in here.
There's got to be another way.
Just give me a second.
I haven't read
all this yet.
[ all moaning ]
maybe don't tell your parents
we did this?
[ moaning continues ]
♪
♪
♪
oh, oh, no.
Oh -- wait, please, no!
Ice spell!
Ice spell!
Oh, god!
That just made it
last longer.
Ah, it burns longer!
Ah, I could have died fast!
Thank you, strangers.
Well, it's your world now.
Have fun with empowerment.
It seems to make everyone
that gets it really happy.
All right, guys.
I'll use this to open a portal.
Uh, open a portal
to earth.
Let's get the hell
out of here fast.
God, look at
this piece of [bleep]
why is there writing on it?
Who writes on a portal?
Should've taken me up on those
wolverine claws instead, morty.
Wait,
why did the dragon come?
I was thinking
we could hang out?
Oh, yeah.
Whoa, jesus.
Your dad's been texting me
this whole time?
Uh, he's at an airport
with a cat.
Okay, that --
that sounds -- wow.
You know,
I better check on him.
Big season finale right there,
you know?
Better, uh --
better go right now.
Also, I told you not
to get a dragon, morty.
This is your fault. [bleep] you,
worst adventure ever.
Worst adventure ever.
Yeah, uh, I guess you better be
on your way too, balthromaw.
Well, I've been thinking.
What you said back there in the
cave really resonated with me.
Maybe we could
try again?
Look, to be honest,
I'm kind of grossed out
with the sexual nature
of how everything unfolded.
I didn't know
how sexual dragons were.
I kind of just wanted to do
some d&d stuff, you know?
And have a soul orgy
with your sister and grandpa
and every dragon
we could find, yeah?
No, look,
can you please just go?
I-I-I really
want to shower.
Maybe a quick soul bone
before I go.
I-I-I-I'm good.
I think
I just need to be alone
and sort of
un-- unpack all this.
What about your grandpa?
Would he want to?
I can wait.
No,
I think you better go.
I-I'm gonna take
that shower.
If it's just warm liquid you
want trickled over your body,
I could maybe --
no, no, look.
I just want to be clean!
I-I-I feel dirty after
everything that's happened.
How about
a quick hand bond?
I like doing it.
You're embarrassing yourself.
I-I-I'm closing the door.
[bleep] soul teasers.
This is a cool car.
I like having fun.
That's what I'm talking about.
Keep it moving.
Don't ask why I can talk.
Mm, mm, mm.
Uh-huh.
For sure. For sure.
Where are we going?
Quantum radiator might need
some nanowater.
We --
we can stretch our legs.
[ bottles clatter ]
so, uh,
why can you talk?
What is this?
I need you in one spot
for a clean mind scan.
Mind scan?
Look, you're overthinking it.
The point of a talking cat
is to have fun.
I find the insinuation that
I can't ask questions
and have fun
condescending.
Y-you find it
condescending, jerry?
Yes.
All right. I'm from outer space.
Happy?
No.
Exactly, because no answer
would be satisfying.
Because it's a lie.
Let's see the truth.
What in the...
[ explosions ]
oh, son of a bitch.
Jerry, don't.
I want to see.
No, you do not.
No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no!
At least now maybe --
get the hell out of here!
But I've got
nowhere to go.
Get out!
Get out!
Get out!
[ crying ]
[ crying ]
he was in my home where
I keep photos of my parents.
Jerry, I have a device.
I-it can make us forget.
No, I don't think we should
forget,
not this.
Someone
has to remember.
Someone will.
Did we crash?
Where's the cat?
He, uh, ran away.
Did you scan his brain?
Yeah.
Did you find out
why he can talk?
He's from outer space.
Outer space?
That little --
[ chuckles ]
of course, total mind [bleep]
♪
♪
♪
♪
now, that's what I call
draggin'.
What?
It's a joke.
You're a dragon
draggin' your stuff.
I understand.
So, how you doing?
I grow weary
of you humans.
How about 50 bucks?
You weary of 50 bucks?
I'm trying to
cheat on my wife.
I'm looking for a little magic,
a little fantasy.
You could use some help.
Let's help each other, huh?
50 bucks.
[ roars ]
nice.
Is there a reason
you can speak?
Yeah,
and I'm ashamed of it.
Then speak of it
no more.
Do you wish to eat,
maybe bond a little?
Yeah, I could bond.
How long does it take you
to fly to florida?
Did you get any of that?
We -- we got it!
Hurry up, morty.
Get in!
Chachi!
[bleep] chachi, morty.
Did you get it?
He helped me escape prison.
Did you get
the ultimate cube?
Oh, it's purple.
Y-you said
it was purple.
I said mine was.
I didn't know they all were.
And now we do,
thanks to chichi.
Chachi.
So, uh,
w-w-when do I get it?
Get what, a hug?
Let's find a planet
with a garden hose first.
A dragon.
A dragon.
You asked me to cut class
and fight robots with you.
I said, "no."
you said, "millions of lives
depend on it."
I said, "I'll do it
for a dragon."
you said, "whatever."
I want my dragon.
You know who's into dragons,
morty?
Nerds that refuse to admit
they're christian.
I want my dragon.
Let me give you
rocket shoes.
Let me give you
wolverine claws.
Let me give you
a [bleep] rocket hat.
Just be sure to use it
with the rocket shoes,
or it'll rip your head off.
I want my dragon!
I want my dragon!
I want my dragon!
[ gas hisses ]
oh.
Oh, crap. [ coughs ]
crap.
Dad, are you okay?
Your ship
crashed in malta.
[ groans ] I'm okay.
Oh, thank god.
Dad, did you promise
morty a dragon?
Fuuuuuuu--
♪
♪
♪
♪
ugh!
Bleed here and here.
Rick:
I'm not co-bleeding.
Under authority
of our treaty
'twixt the realms
of dragon and man...
Oh, my god,
it's my first gay wedding.
Summer!
...I hereby bind
this noble serpent and rider
at the soul.
Here's your tome of
dragon spells and lore.
That'll have everything
you need.
Enjoy your dragon.
Okay, dragon,
here's the house rules.
[ roars ]
my name is balthromaw,
breaker of sky,
slayer of mountain.
Rule one -- you are now scooper
of your own poops,
or I will take you down like
the black-light poster you are.
I don't got any more rules.
That's it.
[ door closes ]
I'm guessing you'd rather not
be tagged in this.
Okay, I'll bite.
What's with
the talking cat?
It's a dragon,
dip knob.
I know that's a dragon.
I'm talking about
the talking cat in my bedroom.
Jerry, why would I give morty
a talking dragon
and you a talking cat
at the same time?
Those concepts bump.
If you're talking to a cat,
it's an abnormal event
unrelated to me like
when you went to pluto
or [bleep] my daughter.
Okay, there's really no need
to get savage.
Cat: So?
Eh, he says he has nothing
to do with your talking.
Told you.
So then
why are you talking?
Why should that matter?
Why should it not matter?
How do I know I'm not
hallucinating?
Rick said this is
an abnormal event.
Do you always need rick
to tell you what's going on?
Maybe it's time you stopped
asking questions
and started having fun.
Oh.
Wow, okay.
So, what do you want?
I want you to take us
to the airport
and get us two
first-class tickets to florida.
Why, I --
I can do that.
[ laughing ]
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Oh, this is so cool!
[ sighs ]
I await
your next command.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Nobody is commanding anybody.
I love soaring through the sky
with you as equals.
W-what do you
want to do?
I want to enter my lair
and sleep upon my hoard
until the age of man
expires.
Okay.
Split the diff?
20-minute nap
and soar through the sky?
Ugh.
As you command.
Okay, see you soon.
T-this is fun.
Yeah, right.
What's this show called,
"ass"?
Yeah, it's like "bones,"
but they solve ass crimes.
Woman on tv:
This ass is a clue.
Are these two
gonna hook up?
No, and only the lame fans
want that.
Don't tell me
how to enjoy things.
Go to her ass.
That's brenner.
Go to brenner ass.
Honeymoon over
already?
What's that
supposed to mean?
Admit it, morty.
Dragons suck.
Why don't you admit you don't
anyone else to be happy
because
you're a sad old fart?
How do you
saddle a fart?
Holy [bleep]
look!
-I love you, ass.
-I love you, brenner.
No.
Shh.
Ah!
Oh!
And that's the end of the
"morty gets a dragon" episode.
Are you gonna
slay it?
First off,
I always slay it, queen.
Secondly, yes.
Should I pause "ass"?
Nah, it's kind of boring
now that they're together.
[ snoring ]
hey [bleep]
will you shut the [bleep] up
or at least roll over?
[ groans ]
oh, no, it burns.
Oh, my god.
Oh, the fire of -- of it all.
Ah, if only I had
prepared better
for this terrifying battle
by remembering
the only thing dragons
are known for.
♪
careful you don't
get heartburn.
I made that android
with a lot of c4.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I imbued it with
a remote-controlled
explode-y potion.
You have bested me.
I am at your service.
Good to be on
the same parchment.
Now, I'm gonna tell
my grandson you ran off
with a low-flying 747
while you pack up your --
wait, is this --
why do you have an original
ecto cooler
juice box from 1989?
I hoard that which
your kind covets.
Give you 20 bucks for it.
[ chuckles ] nice try.
What the hell else
are you hoarding down here?
Cha-ching.
"small soldiers" spin pops?
Don't open that.
I'm not an idiot.
Hey, why do you have future's
self-titled album on vinyl?
Look closer.
Oh [bleep]
he signed it.
Closer.
He signed it in molly
and percocet?
I could spend all night
down here.
Do you indulge
in volcanic fumes?
Is it gonna
[bleep] up my brain?
No.
I'll do it anyway.
Hoo, those were not
cheap tickets,
but, um,
I'm down to clown.
Uh, w-w-w-why can you talk
again, uh?
It's not important,
jerry.
Okay,
but why florida?
Because they don't
ask questions.
They play volleyball,
they party, and they have fun.
Right, right.
You can do this,
jerry.
I can do this.
I can do this.
Ugh!
Oh, yeah.
Jipe:
Hey, jerry, after this game,
come to my yacht
and bring your cat.
You got it, jipe.
I got to admit,
you were right.
I've got to tell you
something, jerry.
This is the happiest I've ever
been in my entire life.
Woman: Oh, gross!
Who shit in the sand?
Someone took a small shit
in the sand
and buried it with, like,
two little kicks
and just left it here
like a land mine.
Why and who?
It was him.
[ booing ]
help!
♪ yo ♪
♪ percocets, yeah, molly,
percocets, percosets ♪
♪ percocets, yeah, molly,
percocets, percosets ♪
♪ mask on,
mask off ♪
♪ gas gone, never nod off ♪
I'm being summoned
by morty.
Yeah.
He's, uh, texting me.
Hmm.
How are you responding?
Ugh, I tend not to,
or maybe I'll send, like,
a popular animated gif
that could be interpreted
in almost any way.
Brilliant.
I summon thee.
I summon thee,
balthromaw.
What the hell?
Taylor swift pumping her hands
in the air?
What does it mean when --
it means you're lame.
♪ yo ♪
♪ percocets, yeah, molly,
percocets, percosets ♪
♪ percocets, yeah, molly,
percocets, percosets ♪
♪ mask on,
mask off ♪
♪ gas gone,
never nod off ♪
balthromaw:
What's the saying?
"orcs work to live.
Dwarves live to work."
so dumb.
If there's ever a saying
about me,
I'll fly into
the [bleep] sun.
[ laughs ]
oh, you're small for a dragon,
rick.
Well, I sleep on an extra big
pile of awesome shit.
Then there will be sayings
about you.
Your lessers
will hunt you down,
and you will be
owned or slain.
That's why they call it
a dying breed, brother.
Ugh! Ugh!
Oh, god, ugh.
My soul.
Oh!
Oh, yeah.
I'm --
I'm -- I'm a dragon.
Oh!
Ugh, I'm bonding.
I'm bonding too.
Oh!
Yeah.
What the [bleep]
morty, I can explain.
Stop!
Why are you
still doing it?
Why does it
feel better now?
I hope it's not because you're
watching but don't go anywhere.
How did you find us?
We followed the smell
of sulfur and skankery.
Oh!
Oh, yeah.
Oh, man, ugh.
[bleep] this.
You can take this stupid
fake soul-bond contract,
and you can -- mm!
Ah!
No refunds.
Your dragon soul-bonded
with my grandpa.
Oh, my!
I am so sorry.
That is
a total violation.
Yeah, no shit.
I'll take care of this
at once.
You slut dragon!
What the [bleep]
you slut.
Chill out, dude.
Slut!
Okay, that's --
you slut!
Y-you don't have to --
slut!
Shame on you!
Shame, you slut!
You slutty, slutty slut!
Ow! Why the [bleep] does it feel
like you're whipping me?
Because your soul got tangled
in a dirty....
Ah!
...Slutty...
Ow!
...Slut soul!
Ow!
Let's go!
Ow! Ow!
Get to that portal,
you slut.
Grandpa, do something,
or I will tweet,
and you will be canceled.
Hey, dandruff the great, lighten
up and give the kid his dragon.
By whose command?
You have no magic.
Yeah, I know.
I have actual power.
Not here, you don't.
True power looks like this --
stone monster.
Stick that up your ass
oh, you're done?
I thought the rock monster was
here to introduce a physicist.
Spinal cord, uh,
activate morphine.
Oh,
I might be [bleep]
lightning bridge!
Okay, he's gone.
Listen up.
There's probably animals
in these hills.
If you spare me, I can make
your crotch a salt lick.
Agana aksaka sapooloo.
Thank you, morty.
Figures you'd be higher status
in lame world.
Get your [bleep] together,
lair wrecker.
We need to rescue
balthromaw.
Morty, the moral of this story
is bros before dragons.
You know what
I'm talking about?
Yeah, if he dies while
you're soul bonded, you die too.
Morty, the moral of this story
is bros rescue dragons.
Balthromaw, by soul bonding
with multiple riders,
you have violated the treaty
between dragon and mankind.
The dragonarchy sentences you
to hang by the neck until dead.
On the count of three.
One dragonarchy,
two dragonarchy,
2 1/2 --
I just wanted to make sure --
three!
[ choking ]
grandpa rick, what's wrong?
Oh, god. The wizard must have
hung balthromaw!
Well, [bleep] it.
Can we go back then?
W-well, no, no.
It takes, like, 78 years
to hang a dragon
to death, so...
Aw, man.
It's so annoying.
You ever, like, try to swallow
a really big vitamin
with no water?
Ugh!
You know, like
[clears throat]
really, like,
big one, you know,
and it kind of gets,
ugh, stuck in your throat?
It's -- it's annoying.
All right.
Morty, go ahead
and activate this golem.
Agana aksaka sapooloo.
[ golem roaring ]
♪
♪
[bleep] dumb.
All right.
Who wants to be infused with,
like, uh, unreasonable power?
Oh, can I be, like,
a sexy arrow-shooty lady?
Yeah, whatever.
There's no rules. I don't care.
Morty,
you want superpowers?
No, thanks. I'm fine.
I've got my book.
All right.
Good luck with that.
Let's go.
[ roaring ]
[ coughs, clears throat ]
god, it's like --
have you ever had too much
orange juice,
or, like,
you know how egg yolk
kind of, like,
gets in your throat?
Yeah, we get it.
Come on and hurry.
W-we got to free
balthromaw.
Upsulu --
I got this.
Morty, how's that book
working out for you,
you [bleep] d-d-dumbass?
Huh. You know what?
You're right.
I could get used
to this magic stuff.
♪
there's balthromaw.
Check this shit out.
Watch this.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Don't even look.
Don't even bother looking.
Just [bleep] let magic
guide your arrow.
Summer, what the hell
are you doing?
Take this seriously.
Shut the [bleep] up, morty.
Stop trying to pretend like
magic involves skill or thought.
Summer, make it look like it's
coming out of your butthole.
Yeah, yeah.
Ah!
Oh, [bleep]
my [bleep] eye, oh!
What in the medieval
equivalent of tarnation --
jesus christ!
Summer,
you [bleep] idiot!
Power of 12 feet.
Uh, ow [bleep]
I take it all back!
I [bleep] hate magic!
Ah!
Slut thief!
You're a slut thief!
[ electronic music playing ]
pretty fun boat,
fun people.
That's great, not being asked
why I can talk.
I'm a talking cat, but
"who cares why?" is my point.
Well, nice talking to you
for no reason.
Jorge,
that was a good one,
but do you know what
a peanut butter gargoyle is?
Nah, what's that?
Dude, it's when you
take the chick,
put her feet on a cathedral --
sorry to interrupt, guys.
Just want to clarify,
are these real sex positions?
Because if they are,
how are they gratifying
to the male at all?
And if the goal is
to make something up,
why not make up
something...Funnier?
I'm asking too many questions,
aren't I?
How ironic.
Get out of florida,
you overthinking cat.
Why don't you go overthink
[bleep] up north in georgia?
All: Hate that cat.
You got any money
for a cab?
Why ask questions?
Why not just have fun?
I deserve that.
Wizard:
Attention, citizens of draygon,
a slut dragon has escaped.
Anyone caught harboring it
is also a slut.
That's how it goes.
Ow, my eye.
It pains me that
you can feel my pain.
Yeah, how about
you suck your [bleep]
which is also
somehow my [bleep]?
Aw, why can't couples that start
out cheating ever end up happy?
M-maybe I can find
that wizard's portal spell
in here and g-get us home.
How about finding the spell
that unbinds me
from your [bleep] dragon?
Debranavox:
No spells can do that.
Only the wizard
can unbind soul bonds.
Uh, who the [bleep] are you?
Who are we?
Who the [bleep] are you, bitch?
Debrah, stop.
We are the slut dragons.
We live in these slut caves
where we [bleep]
suck, and eat [bleep] and
we kindly ask that you leave.
If the wizard knows we are here,
he will imprison us.
Yeah!
We like it down here
'cause we can [bleep]
woolly mammoths. Get out!
Get the [bleep] out of here,
michael!
Shut up, michael!
You're the only one
that [bleep] that thing.
Get the [bleep] out of here.
Well, at least
I'm not into [bleep] play.
-[bleep] you!
-Hey, wait!
Everybody stop, stop!
Listen,
this is all my fault.
I started all this when
I tried to control balthromaw,
and that was [bleep] up.
Nobody should control anyone,
especially that guy up there.
And, um, you can eat [bleep]
if you want, I guess.
I, uh --
I got this, morty.
Okay, listen up,
slut dragons!
Wouldn't you rather
be sluts up there,
have a [bleep] world
instead of a [bleep] cave?
What's wrong with you?
This man with a ponytail
makes a valid point.
All dragons are sluts deep down,
even the ones up above,
but we would have to kill
the wizard to be free.
He is too powerful.
There is a way
to kill the wizard.
Whoa.
Who's this mysterious character?
Shadow jacker,
you haven't come out
of your masturbation cave
in eons.
It's high time I emerge
from my [bleep] cocoon.
I grow tired of eavesdropping
and masturbating
to the sounds
you all make.
Jesus christ.
All right.
C-could use
a little more mystery.
Oh, oh, just now
seeing the staff.
We've never had enough sluts
to defeat the wizard.
Now, with the four fresh,
wet sluts that
just landed on our doorstep,
we finally have a chance.
So killing the wizard
will break my soul bond.
Yes, it solves
all of our problems.
We must begin
a 10-slut soul orgy...
Morty: Wait, wait, what?
...And become the all-slut
slut phoenix dragon, slut.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Hold on. Hold on.
There's got to be
something else in here.
There's got to be another way.
Just give me a second.
I haven't read
all this yet.
[ all moaning ]
maybe don't tell your parents
we did this?
[ moaning continues ]
♪
♪
♪
oh, oh, no.
Oh -- wait, please, no!
Ice spell!
Ice spell!
Oh, god!
That just made it
last longer.
Ah, it burns longer!
Ah, I could have died fast!
Thank you, strangers.
Well, it's your world now.
Have fun with empowerment.
It seems to make everyone
that gets it really happy.
All right, guys.
I'll use this to open a portal.
Uh, open a portal
to earth.
Let's get the hell
out of here fast.
God, look at
this piece of [bleep]
why is there writing on it?
Who writes on a portal?
Should've taken me up on those
wolverine claws instead, morty.
Wait,
why did the dragon come?
I was thinking
we could hang out?
Oh, yeah.
Whoa, jesus.
Your dad's been texting me
this whole time?
Uh, he's at an airport
with a cat.
Okay, that --
that sounds -- wow.
You know,
I better check on him.
Big season finale right there,
you know?
Better, uh --
better go right now.
Also, I told you not
to get a dragon, morty.
This is your fault. [bleep] you,
worst adventure ever.
Worst adventure ever.
Yeah, uh, I guess you better be
on your way too, balthromaw.
Well, I've been thinking.
What you said back there in the
cave really resonated with me.
Maybe we could
try again?
Look, to be honest,
I'm kind of grossed out
with the sexual nature
of how everything unfolded.
I didn't know
how sexual dragons were.
I kind of just wanted to do
some d&d stuff, you know?
And have a soul orgy
with your sister and grandpa
and every dragon
we could find, yeah?
No, look,
can you please just go?
I-I-I really
want to shower.
Maybe a quick soul bone
before I go.
I-I-I-I'm good.
I think
I just need to be alone
and sort of
un-- unpack all this.
What about your grandpa?
Would he want to?
I can wait.
No,
I think you better go.
I-I'm gonna take
that shower.
If it's just warm liquid you
want trickled over your body,
I could maybe --
no, no, look.
I just want to be clean!
I-I-I feel dirty after
everything that's happened.
How about
a quick hand bond?
I like doing it.
You're embarrassing yourself.
I-I-I'm closing the door.
[bleep] soul teasers.
This is a cool car.
I like having fun.
That's what I'm talking about.
Keep it moving.
Don't ask why I can talk.
Mm, mm, mm.
Uh-huh.
For sure. For sure.
Where are we going?
Quantum radiator might need
some nanowater.
We --
we can stretch our legs.
[ bottles clatter ]
so, uh,
why can you talk?
What is this?
I need you in one spot
for a clean mind scan.
Mind scan?
Look, you're overthinking it.
The point of a talking cat
is to have fun.
I find the insinuation that
I can't ask questions
and have fun
condescending.
Y-you find it
condescending, jerry?
Yes.
All right. I'm from outer space.
Happy?
No.
Exactly, because no answer
would be satisfying.
Because it's a lie.
Let's see the truth.
What in the...
[ explosions ]
oh, son of a bitch.
Jerry, don't.
I want to see.
No, you do not.
No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no!
At least now maybe --
get the hell out of here!
But I've got
nowhere to go.
Get out!
Get out!
Get out!
[ crying ]
[ crying ]
he was in my home where
I keep photos of my parents.
Jerry, I have a device.
I-it can make us forget.
No, I don't think we should
forget,
not this.
Someone
has to remember.
Someone will.
Did we crash?
Where's the cat?
He, uh, ran away.
Did you scan his brain?
Yeah.
Did you find out
why he can talk?
He's from outer space.
Outer space?
That little --
[ chuckles ]
of course, total mind [bleep]
♪
♪
♪
♪
now, that's what I call
draggin'.
What?
It's a joke.
You're a dragon
draggin' your stuff.
I understand.
So, how you doing?
I grow weary
of you humans.
How about 50 bucks?
You weary of 50 bucks?
I'm trying to
cheat on my wife.
I'm looking for a little magic,
a little fantasy.
You could use some help.
Let's help each other, huh?
50 bucks.
[ roars ]
nice.
Is there a reason
you can speak?
Yeah,
and I'm ashamed of it.
Then speak of it
no more.
Do you wish to eat,
maybe bond a little?
Yeah, I could bond.
How long does it take you
to fly to florida?
Did you get any of that?