Rick and Morty (2013–…): Season 4, Episode 2 - The Old Man and the Seat - full transcript

We're out of syrup.

Huh.
You know what?

Maybe I'll use
my intern.

Glootie?
- Good?

- Thanks, Glootie.
- Anything else?

Do you want to develop
an app?

- No thanks, Glootie.
- Hey, what's up, Glootie?

Hi, Morty.
Do you want to develop an app?

- No thanks.
- Rick, why does it say,

"Do not develop my app,"
on your intern's forehead?

Why, you want to
develop one?



Ah, I'm glad
you asked that, Jerry.

It's so you don't develop
his app.

Glootie, go make some
photocopies of something. Cool.

Well, if anyone wants to develop
an app with me, I'm down.

He seems to really want
to develop an app.

He really does, sweetie,
but nobody's gonna do that.

Now,
if you'll excuse me,

I've got a quick
solo adventure to go on,

and this one will not be directed
by Ron Howard. He's gonna go poop.

When Grandpa Rick pats
his belly like that

and leaves without Morty,
it means he's going to go poop.

He's a shy pooper.
He has a secret pooping place.

Rick: Man, you, Summer.

Beth: Honey, why can't you get
this excited about your SATs?



Well, I'm man enough to simply
say, "I'm going to poop,"

and I'd be honored to have
Ron Howard involved.

Good job, hon. Way to go, Dad.
We're rooting for ya.

He's really putting you
to work, huh?

Did you want to
develop an app?

- I'll pass, Glootie.
- Hmm, your loss.

Oh, yeah?
Why's that?

Eh, it's an app
you'd want to develop.

- Can I ask what it is?
- Of course you can.

That's always the first step
in app development.

Ah.

50/50!
Final offer!

Reverse digestion
extrapolation.

Time to meet your maker.

What are you guys
doing?

Did you develop
an app?

Rule number one
in app development, son...

never follow the rules.

Except when the rule is tattooed
on an alien's forehead, Dad.

Why do you think
Rick would have that rule?

'Cause he's
a disrupt-o-phobe.

No, Dad, no.

To keep something horrible
from happening,

something he's too lazy
to explain.

Guys, we're getting
our first users.

Whoa, this new app
just matched me

with a guy
that is su my ty.

Super my type.
Learn to abbre.

Hey!

Your su ty works
at Jersey Mike's

and sees 25 Phish shows
a year.

- That is so Danny.
- Summer!

- Danny?
- Summer Smith?

Danny Publits from Lovefinderrz
with two "R's" and a "Z"?

I ran all the way here
while staring at your profile.

I tripped on a fire hydrant
and fell down,

so I'm covered in gravel
that stuck to my sweat.

And even after a shower,

I'll still be into a jam band
for old junkies,

but I think this world cares
too much about bands

and too little
about love.

And I think I love you.
- Me, too.

Hi, I'm my underaged
daughter's mother.

Nice to... whoa!

Come on. Just met.

Uh, this isn't working.

Wait. What are you...

Never mind.

I quit, I'm gay,
and I love Xander.

Stupid phones
are destroying us.

Hey, sweetie.

Honey, our daughter ran off
with a Frisbee golfer

because of some app
with a really dumb,

really forgettable name.

Like a really dumb, uncreative,
super sweaty name.

Anyway, I'll be late.
I love you.

Got it.
I love you, too.

Okay, Glootie,
take the app down.

Can't take it down.
I'm just an intern.

Uh, that's not
how apps work.

Then make it
how it works.

This isn't how
making things work works.

Get... get it off
the server.

Y-You think we're stupid,
but we're not.

We know apps have something
to do with servers.

The server's on
the mother ship.

Where's
the mother ship?

- It's coming.
- Take us to it.

- No.
- Yes.

Shake him more, Morty.
That was working.

Take us
to the mother ship.

Okay, don't hurt me.
Don't hurt me.

Jerry:
An ominous beeping app.

You can't stay made at a guy
with this kind of talent.

Dad, you can,
and you have to.

- Ribbit, ribbit.
- Ribbit, ribbit.

- Hey, ribbit, ribbit, ribbit!
- Ribbit, ribbit, ribbit!

Look at this guy.
He wants to eat me so bad.

You want to eat me,
don't you?

- Ribbit.
- Just kidding. Have some drugs.

- Are you Vermigurber?
- What does this guy want?

Who is this monkey?
- I'm here about a sandwich.

Oh, well you came to the right place...

'Cause you're about to get
a bullet sandwich

on two slices
of whole... gun.

You
might want to get that.

Hello?

Voice: Dad, give the human
whatever he wants.

He knows where I live.
He's crazy!

You idiot.

I have 800,000 kids.

Don't forget
your voicemail.

Automated male voice:
You have 470,000 messages.

Oh, ah,
that's half of them.

Okay, w-w-what do you want?
What do you want?

Wait, this is seriously
about sandwiches?

I thought this was
about drugs or guns

or the fact that I'm a fly
that runs a frog restaurant.

There's a million things
that are interesting about me,

and none of them
are sandwiches.

- Who ordered it?
- Talk to our delivery drone.

He... he run off to fight
in the robot wars.

Hey, ape man,
I hope this was worth

making a whole swarm
of enemies.

It will be when I find
whoever shit in my toilet.

Is that code for something?
Someone look that up.

If that's drug slang,
I need to know it.

Ah!

- Mom, you can't stop true love.
- Oh, yes, I can.

- You're assaulting me!
- Keep your voice down.

I'm being assaulted!

Oh, yeah? Okay.

Statutory rape!
- Whoa.

My daughter's about
to be raped!

No, I'm not!
I'm being assaulted!

- Rape!
- Assault!

- Rape!
- Nobody cares. It's a motel.

Nobody's here because
their life's going so great

they can afford
to get mixed up in yours.

Deal with this
on your own.

You can't stop us
from getting a motel room.

Fine.
I'll get one, too.

I'm getting
the one next door,

and I'm putting a glass
to the wall, and I'm listening.

- Fine. Enjoy.
- I will.

- I'm Danny, by the way.
- You had your chance, dick.

Take your app down.

T-Take... take it down.

- What?
- I'm their hostage.

- Do they have weapons?
- Nope, but neither do I.

Do... do you have
a weapon?

No.

- Take the app down.
- Take the app down.

I can't.
I'm an intern.

Okay, well who tells interns
what to do?

Not you,
that's for sure.

Take us to whoever does,
or w-w-we'll... we'll punch you.

Okay.

Not bad, Morty.

Yeah, I don't know when
the other shoe's gonna drop,

but this is working
pretty good so far.

Greetings.
We are the Monogatrons.

While your species was
still toying with fire,

ours mastered the science
of functioning,

committed relationships.

As the latest planet
to develop our app,

you will now witness the true
power of superior intimacy.

Take the app down.

Take it down, or... we'll...
we'll... we'll punch you.

Is there someone
with a gun or...

It's on its way.

The app remains up.

So what's
the evil plan?

Does there have to be
an evil plan?

- Oh, uh, uh...
- Uh, someone wanted a gun?

I'll take it. Thanks.

Here's the evil plan.

Goddamn it.

As a preapp civilization,

your love's value
is defined by scarcity.

You are highly trained
to seek it,

and you have no idea
how to maintain it.

Had you bothered
to master love,

you would've learned by now,
it is as abundant as water.

You know what isn't?
Water.

That runs out.

So we'll be taking yours.

While your planet continues
to dick around with a, uh...

what is their version
of it called?

Lovefinderrz,
with two "R's" and a "Z."

- Oof.
- Yeah, not my idea.

- Goddamn.
- Am I interrupting?

- Impossible. Here she is.
- Mwah.

Your prisoners
are getting away.

Prisoners
are just things.

Connect with me.
Tell me about your day.

I had
an incredible meeting.

Did you know humans
are 80% water?

And I found a new podcast
we can listen to tonight.

Love it.

Okay, back to work.

Find and kill
those earthlings.

We're outnumbered.
There's no hope.

Then we go out
in glory.

Flesh intruder,
prepare to die.

Oh, hold on.

My apologies,
Lieutenant Commander.

No problem.
At ease, Soldier.

Initiate Employee
Evaluation Mode.

- Accessing delivery archive.
- Okay, listen.

You delivered an avian
protein club sandwich

with no lettu...
Goddamn it.

Oy, scoping
for this bit, then?

Alright, a-a-alright.
I know you want to have

the big guy/little guy
fight, but...

Aw, are you
kidding me?

Alien newscaster: Here at the Midland
Quasar, where, in a complete upset,

the Robolution has overturned
the lizards.

It's totally unexpected.

Uh, I understand,
Mr. Phillips.

Yes.

I believe
this is yours.

You, uh...
you dropped that.

I'll have to
call you back.

Where do you
want to die?

Susan, is conference room three
available?

Can I look at a photo
of my wife while you kill me?

Sure,
but I'm doing her a favor.

She either has
terrible taste,

or she's trapped in a marriage
to a toilet thief.

She's dead.

And I don't mind
joining her.

Life has been hollow
since I lost her.

Using your toilet
was nice, though.

I'm a bit
of a shy pooper.

I'm ready when you are.

Stay there.

Tell him
what you told me.

What is this?
What's happening?

Tell him
what you told me.

My wife's still alive.

Sh... sh... she went into remission
10 years ago.

And what did you do
today?

Oh, I, uh, pooped

on a really awesome toilet
I found...

oh, ow, ow,
ow, ow, oh!

Don't use your dead wife
as an excuse.

You on my toilet because
you don't know your place,

and your place
is nothing.

So next time you stumble
onto a toilet

that feels too good
for your ass, trust me, it is.

You're not gonna
kill me?

Don't tell me
what to do!

Say, "This is my shit
my shit" ♪od beeps ]

♪ See the flick of my wrist,
of my wrist ♪

♪ And I know
she know what's up ♪

♪ Baby, this is my shit
my shit ♪

♪ See the
flick of my wrist, my wrist ♪

Are you kidding me?

♪ When you in my section,
fill it up when my cup empty ♪

♪ I can't with rats ♪

♪ That's a fact,
that's a dub ♪

Oh, so you like
being alive?

So why the
are you back here?

After you left,
I thought about what you said

and how much
I needed to hear it,

but then I thought about
why you were saying it,

who you were really
saying it to.

You need the same thing
I needed, Rick.

You need someone to give you,
permission to live.

What the...?

I thought
you were a shy pooper.

You know what
shy pooping is, Rick?

It's a pointless bid
for control.

You want to take
the one part of life

that you truly think is yours,
and you want to protect it

from a universe
that takes whatever it wants.

It took my wife.

It clearly took something
from you.

We can spend our lives
fighting that,

or we can choose
to be free.

You're right, Tony.
I'm done fighting.

Time to be free.

Oh, wait,
you're actually gonna...

Oh, God!
Oh, God!

Where am I?
- Hi, little mouse.

Baby bee?
I missed you so much.

I never really left you.

Then you know
that a few years ago

I started getting into...
- Strap-on porn?

Yes.
I thought it was hot.

Now, come on.
- Where are you going?

- To poop.
- Where?

Wherever you want,
forever.

My God.

You rang?
I'm pooping, too.

Come, Tony.
Come on.

Come poop with me.
Poop with me, Tony.

Poop with me.

What are you waiting for?

Aren't you gonna join us,
Tony?

Aren't you gonna join us
in the pooping?

Where are we?
What is this?

That's it.
Get out.

You can make
a perfectly-realized,

toilet-filled simulation
of heaven,

but you can't share
a toilet?

Don't insult my craft.

The chemical
is Globaflyn.

It connects the
whatever-you-want section

of your brain to the
whatever-you-have section.

If your heaven is toilets,
that's on you.

All of these people...

Are living their wildest,
meaningless dreams

and leaving me
out of them.

People you refuse to kill and
refuse to let into your life.

An offer you rejected,
so here's your last chance.

Goodbye forever. If you touch
my toilet again, you die.

You need a friend.

I have a million
cooler friends than you.

- I'll be seeing you.
- You'll be dying.

- We're gonna be friends.
- You're gonna be dead.

Jerry: So, we fight our way
to the gas line,

we cut it,
and then we set a fire.

Okay. Alright.

Morty, "Adventures of Jerry
and Morty," huh?

Put her there.
- Dad, look, y-you know,

w-we don't need
to high-five.

It's...
it's kind of your fault

that we're in this situation
at all.

I know, but,
you know, come on.

"Adventures of Jerry
and Morty."

Okay.

Mwah.

Jeff, I can explain
everything.

You don't have to.

Can you just marry us
instead?

Jeff, don't do it!

Richard.

Maggie.

- Running Bird.
- Let's get out of here.

- Priest Witherspoon.
- Josiah?

Let's get the
out of here.

Summer Smith, let's get
the hell out of here.

You had me
at my own name.

Oh, yeah, no.
Why would I...?

Summer!

Thing.

Come on. I can't steer this.

What in the hell
are you doing?

- Parenting.
- That's not how I did it.

Yeah,
where's your daughter?

Ah, you're right.

She joined ISIS.

It's Glootie, and he's had
a change of heart.

And he's going to
set us free.

Actually, he's been blamed
for bringing you aboard

and assigned
to execute you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Okay.

What would your girlfriend
think of you murdering?

I happen to be between
relationships right now.

Really? I thought your species
had perfected relationships.

Here. We're not allowed
to use those apps.

I wonder why.

Yeah, that's what I thought,
Glootie.

Looks like you and I...

Are all we've got.

I'm not helping you
any more than that,

but if you can find
the hangar,

grab a ship
and get the hell out of here.

Where you going,
Glootie?

I've got a date
with dumping a dating app.

Glootie-ootie-ooh!

- Was that ever his thing?
- No.

- He never exited that way.
- No, first time.

Dad,
I want to say something.

I started today disgusted
and embarrassed to be your son,

and then later I thought
we were gonna die

because you're a loser.

- There's no more, is there?
- Nope.

Now quit up,
and let's go.

Is Tony here? I br...
I brought him some, uh,

Vegan Fiber Chili,
delicious family recipe,

and a box of these, uh,
chocolates, sugar free.

He can eat as many of these
as he wants.

Anyways, uh, just wanted
to drop these off,

and you tell him, uh,
the toilet's all his.

H-He... he'll know
what I mean.

Tony died.

- Excuse me?
- He quit his job,

starting living life
to the fullest.

He crashed into a tree

space-skiing
down Mount Space Everest.

There's
a Mount Space Everest?

Okay.
Uh, Jesus.

I-I got to process this.

Oh, no, no. You...
you don't want to eat that.

Y-y-you'll... you'll...
you'll become

the opening
of "The Beverly Hillbillies."

You know what I'm saying?
A little bubbling crude?

Texas tea?
- I don't know these references.

Yeah, but you have
a Space Everest?

Watch
"Space Beverly Hillbillies"

so my jokes can land,
you.

Now what?

Happily ever after.

And after that?

We'll find out
together.

Summer how many soul
mates is that in the last week?

Four. You can't stop me
from loving who I love, Mom.

Oh, the I can't.

I'm gonna mother you
until your 18th birthday,

even if I get thrown in prison
for non-consensual mothering.

And even then,
I will break out,

come to your house,
kick down your door,

and mother your face
out of your stupid asshole.

I'm gonna daughter
your brains out, bitch.

Mother

That's my name.
Don't wear it out.

Gimme dat new soul mate.

Ad wall?

This.

Ad wall? What,
they want us to pay for it now?

Man: Ugh, ad wall?

Come on, Mom.
Let's go home.

Great.
We lost Earth.

We aren't defined by what we do,
and we only need each other.

Each other...
and water.

There's no water?

Honey, the whole point
of conquering Earth...

I know the point
of conquering Earth.

Don't talk to me like...
- Like I'm thirsty?

Like I'm your mother,
you childish prick.

How much water
are you sucking

through these stupid
tubes on your back?

These tubes are cool,
and I want a divorce.

You can have one for a glass
of Goddamn water.

Look, uh, on the off-chance
that you used the app

and there's someone out there
waiting for you, I, uh...

Jerry, I didn't use it.
Did you?

Me? No.
God, of course not.

Well, then,
we're all good, dawg.

Hey, uh...
Hey, uh, Tony's dad,

uh, th-this is, um, $8 billion
in your local currency,

and, uh, this is a kit
you can use to clone a new son.

He... he won't have
the same brain.

He'll kind of be an animal man,
but you can teach him stuff.

I-I-I also wanted
to let you know

I did explore
infinite universes,

and there is a version of Tony
that was completely evil

and ended up causing
a lot of genocide

because of
how fulfilled he was.

So, really, a lot of ways
of looking at this

as not much of a loss.

I understand.

It's, uh, hard
losing a friend.

- You.
- What?

He's not my friend.

There he is.
There's our guy.

Congrats, Tony.

Have fun
with your stupid toilet

that you get to use
all by yourself now.

Enjoy using it all by yourself
while you sit there

and think about how nobody
wants to be around you

and how you ruined it
for yourself

because you're
a huge piece of

Look at you sitting there,

King Shit on his throne
of loneliness.

Enjoy this toilet with
a thousand of me

screaming every time
you take a

All hail his majesty,

the sa-a-ddest piece of garbage
in the entire cosmos.

Long live the big, bad,
doo-doo daddy.

May his reign last
1,000 years.

Rick, did you take
the Tapatío?

Hmm, Globaflyn?

Thanks. I could never lift it up.
No problem.

I'll be able to drink water
for weeks because of you.

It's just part of my job,
ma'am.

Breaker one nine,
this is Jerry Smith.

Uh, just finished
my first delivery of the day.

900 more to go.