Rick and Morty (2013–…): Season 4, Episode 1 - Episode #4.1 - full transcript
Plot is unknown at this time
Morty's on Jessica's
Instagram again.
Get out of here,
jerk!
What's so embarrassing,
Morty?
Sharing it with your family
might help.
Summer, stop shaming
your brother.
Morty, stop being a creepy,
perverted cyberstalker.
I'm not cyberstalking!
I-I-I just wanted to know where
she got this necklace from.
And now I know.
Her... Her... Her grandma
left it to her.
You're quiet, Rick.
Shouldn't you be revealing
grandmas aren't real?
Hi. I've placed an auto-response
chip in my brain
so I can spend time
with my family.
But you are spending time
with your family.
Thank you
for talking to Rick.
[ Beep ]
[ Gasps ]
Alright, I'm finished
with my breakfast
and my Amazon wish list.
Let's go, Morty.
I need death crystals
from Forbodulon Prime.
Uh...
Dad?
There's a way we do this now.
Morty, would you please
accompany me
to Forbodulon Prime
for death crystals?
Well, thank you for asking.
Yes, I will do that.
It is a hot photo.
I think grief
flushes your cheeks.
Dad, you hardly put
any syrup on.
Honey, stop raising
your father's cholesterol
so you can take
a hot funeral selfie.
I never get to do
anything.
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
[ Electricity crackles ]
♪♪
Uh, Rick,
maybe if we go a little...
Faster?
Good idea, Morty.
It'll get us through these
asteroids sooner.
[ Whooshing ]
[ Bottles clatter ]
Geez, you're really this pissed
about my mom making sure
I'm okay
with our adventures?
What's next, Morty?
What if I want you to jump off
the Empire State Building?
I have to ask? Yes?
And you seriously don't see how
that's a slippery slope?
Just shut up and help me
with these, please.
Why are they called
death crystals?
D-Do they kill you?
You're thinking of bullets,
Morty.
Death crystals show you
how you're gonna die.
[ Whimpering, screaming ]
Jesus Christ!
I-I die a million times?
Your future stems from
your [burps] present,
which, if you're living right,
keeps changing.
Truth is, anyone that knows how
they're definitely gonna die
is either boring as hell
or about to get shot.
Duck!
Who are those guys?!
Rick:
Crystal poachers.
There's no lower form
of life.
They think the galaxy's
their own personal piggy bank.
Wait, then what are we?
We're Rick and Morty.
You're about to witness the only
real use for these crystals.
They show you when
the other guy's reloading.
Certain death, certain death,
certain death, uncertain death.
[ Lasers zapping ]
And certain death,
certain death, certain death.
Definitely gonna get shot
by this guy;
this is totally my fate;
nothing I could possibly do;
okay, now,
not so much.
Help me gather these up.
You just use these to win fights?
I don't use them.
People that spend their life
avoiding death are already dead.
They're also rich, and I like to
spend my life with their money.
Oh, my God.
Morty!
Jessica!
[ Laughing ] Oh!
I love you.
Oh! Whoa! Whoa!
Morty.
Oh! Oh! Oh!
I love you.
Jessica.
I want to die with Jessica.
[ Death crystals rattling ]
Ahh!
What are you doing?
Oh, um, c-can I drive?
Why?
The... feel of the open road?
Alright!
Who's this grandson?
I like his style.
[ Keys jingle ]
Morty, you know outer space is up, right?
Yeah, yeah.
I'm just, uh,
following... my... instincts.
Will you just go up?
Stop!
You're gonna make me die wrong!
Wait a minute, what?
Morty, do you have
a death crystal in your pocket?
No! Maybe!
You little monster!
I thought you were
masturbating!
And you took that
in stride?!
You'd rather
I address it?!
Why would I be doing it?!
Why would you steal
a death crystal?!
I want to die old!
Then stop driving!
No!
You son of a bitch!
Give me the wheel, Morty.
Goddamn it.
[ Splat ]
[ Electricity crackles ]
Ohhh, shit.
Oh, [bleep], oh, [bleep],
oh, [bleep], oh, [bleep].
- I love you, Morty.
- [ Sighs ]
I will avenge my death.
Holy [bleep]!
Just kidding.
I'm a crisis detection
and correction hologram
generated by a chip that
"real" Rick put in your spine.
"Real" in quotes because calling
density-privileged entities
"real"
is incredibly holo-phobic.
Morty, do me a solid...
problematic wordplay aside...
grab the gun with the blue
handle from the trunk
and get a tissue sample
from the corpse.
[ Device beeps ]
Alright, now
take that to the trunk
and insert it
into the clone compiler.
I see you appear to be holding
a death crystal
that's guiding your decisions
more than I am.
That's your right.
I just want to remind you that
some people can't hold anything
and can never die, so that's
a little offensive to...
[ Engine starts ]
Oh, okay.
Listen, I'm programmed
for tolerance, Morty.
So I'm willing to accept
that you're doing this
if you're willing to accept
that you need to stop.
[ Whirring ]
Accepting.
Rerouted.
Backup. Data.
Operation. Phoenix. Initiated.
[ Coughing ]
What the hell?
I axed this protocol.
What are you doing
with my clone?
It's okay. I'm you.
I took my own clone vat offline
a couple seasons ago,
so I think my backup got
rerouted to your universe.
I'm sorry. All good.
Happy to help.
By the way, annoying
that I even have to ask,
but you are down with
fascist dystopias, right?
[ Dramatic music plays ]
YYYYYes.
That "yes" was pretty...
[ Gun cocks ]
Liberal
with the letter "Y."
Well, isn't this strange.
I trust, the kind of strange
that makes Rick and Morty...
[ Gun cocks ]
stronger.
Morty, I caught this socialist
in my bathrobe.
He wants to give
all of our martinis
to a family
of immigrants.
Obviously,
the most likely imposter
is the wet, naked clone.
It is obvious.
But it won't be
to the police.
Ohh!
'Kay.
He was an inferior Rick.
He was too political.
I want to have fun, classic
Rick-and-Morty adventures
like in the old days.
Then we'll get along fine,
Fascist Morty.
For starters, I just need to get
to Forbodulon Prime...
You will go
where I want you to go!!
[Bleep]
[ School bell rings ]
Hey, hey! Ho, ho!
Not cloning your grandpa
has got to go!
Hey, hey! Ho, ho!
Not cloning your grandpa
has got to go!
You don't get out of my face,
I'm gonna flush Rick's DNA.
Alright.
Okay, regroup, everybody.
You, too, Berkeley!
Snap out of it.
At least tell me
what this death is
that you're
so determined to...
Oh. Jessica.
Morty, I love...
What?! No, no!
No, no, no!
- [ Screaming ]
- I love you.
Damn it!
How am I gonna die with her
if I can't even talk to her?
Here's an idea, Morty.
Throw that thing in the garbage,
stop planning your own death,
and talk to whoever you want.
Now you just sound
like Real Rick.
You're better than
that language, Morty.
I ain't better than shit,
Jack.
So, uh,
w-what are we doing?
Stop asking questions.
Stop doing meta-commentary.
Just have fun.
We're going on a simple,
fun, classic adventure.
Okay, you know what?
It would really help
if you could just say anything
other than what you don't want.
I like Mr. Meeseeks.
Okay, now we're talking.
You know what?
I usually keep a Meeseeks box
in my glove compartment,
so maybe Fascist Rick
does, too.
Ah!
Well, look at that.
Now we're doing something
we've done before.
I'm Mr. Meeseeks!
Kill this Nazi prick!
Can do!
- Come here, you son of a bitch!
- No! Stop!
[ Shouting ]
[ Whirring ]
Accepting. Rerouted.
Backup. Data.
Operation. Phoenix. Initiated.
[ Coughing ]
Aw, come on, man.
Whoa, are you okay?
Yeah, sorry.
[ Burps ]
I'm a Rick
from another reality.
I-I got uploaded
to your clone vat.
Hey, don't worry about it, man.
I have a dozen.
W-W-What the heck,
Rick?
Are you making clones
down here?
Get outta here, Morty!
Stop asking
stupid questions, Morty!
You sound like a piece of
[bleep].
Aw, geez.
So, tell the truth, man.
No shame.
You're looking at
your shrimp body like "What?!"
Ah, is it that obvious?
I'm sorry.
Yeah, my original body is more
bipedal... uh, ape-descended.
Really! Weird.
Does your house look
like a tree, or...
No, it looks like this.
It's, like, identical
to this, actually.
That is such
a mind [bleep].
It's all good, man.
I'm fine with it.
Honestly, you're doing me
a huge favor
by being shrimp
instead of fascists.
What?
[ Siren wails ]
Goddamn it!
When did this shit become
the default?!
[ Dogs barking ]
Who wants to come up
to the board
and show me
some basic-ass integers?
- I love you, Morty.
- Aah!
[ Gasps ]
[ Class murmurs ]
Morty?
Yeah, right.
[ Chalk scraping ]
That's not an integer!
Apparently,
it doesn't matter.
Damn, Morty,
you're bad at math,
but I'm giving you
an A-plus in confidence.
Just doin'
what I gotta do.
Extra credit!
I love you, Morty.
I love you, Morty.
What's with the strut?
You think you own this school?
- Nope!
What if I killed you?
Would you be strutting then?
Only if the events of the Pixar
movie "Coco" are to be believed,
which I doubt.
I have it on good authority
that you're probably
not gonna kill me.
So why don't you do
what I do
and just go with the flow,
nice and Zen, baby.
Aah! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!
Ugh! Impotence!
[ Cheering ]
Aah! Impotent rage!
[ Wailing, sobbing ]
Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!
You die tomorrow,
no matter what.
It's what bullies call
a "fait accompli."
Oh, man! Oh, [bleep]!
Well, well, well. Mm.
Looks like you got yourself in
a lick of trouble, huh, Morty?
Okay, okay, look,
if you help me not die,
I'll bring Rick
back to life.
Why are you pretending
to eat chicken?
Excuse me?
This chicken is
quite real to me.
Yeah, okay,
but it doesn't have...
Nutrients?
Yeah.
What's the last thing
you ate?
Baloney and an orange.
So, no holographic foods?
So, to me, you never ate?
Or we could try
respecting each other.
Will you just show me
how to stay alive?
Hologram Rick:
Alright, Morty, a deal's a deal.
Once we bring your Rick
back to life,
then I'll help you
with the bully.
Go ahead and open the hatch
to the subterranean lab.
That's where all
the cloning equipment is.
[ Wailing ]
Please tell me you're not
hitting that crystal again.
Look, Rick might be the epitome
of bloated flesh privilege,
but he's right
about one thing.
You're gonna be a lot happier
if you focus on the moment,
rather than on
how you're gonna die.
I mean, w-who's worried
about that, huh?
Sorry, Hologram Rick.
I'm going with the crystal
on this one.
- [ Wailing ]
- Morty.
Oh, alright, okay.
Just because I can't interact
with solid matter
means you can just
walk all over me?
Dear God.
[ Whirring ]
[ Coughing ]
Bist du faschistisch?
Nope.
[ Glass shatters ]
Finally.
I thought maybe you were
pussying out.
Hyah!
What the [bleep]?
Oh, the air's getting thin!
Well, well, well, looks like
there's a new bully in town!
Lucky for us, he just made
bully-bullying the new bullying!
Bully him!
[ Splat ]
Aah!
[ Siren wails ] Cop: We've got
an Akira-type situation going on
behind the mall.
Over.
Dying with Jessica...
Hey!
What the hell?
Aah! Aah!
[ Tires screech ]
I'm Mr. Meeseeks!
Look at me!
Shield me from the law!
- Yes, sir! Can do!
- Stand down!
- Look at me!
- [ Screaming ]
[ Dramatic music plays ]
♪♪
[ Indistinct shouting ]
I... will... die... old!
Up next, an unstoppable
science-fiction boy
is attacking our nation's
final line of defense.
Will we all fall
to his deadly touch?
But first, something silly?
What do you mean,
"but first"?
I already said "up next."
You always do this.
I don't always do shit.
Don't gaslight me.
Gaslighting doesn't exist.
You made it up
'cause you're [bleep] crazy.
[ Dramatic music plays ]
♪♪
♪♪
Why are you letting me
do this?
[ Robotically ]
I do as the crystal guides.
[ Gavel bangs ]
Your Honor, my client was acting
in self-defense.
He turned 13 men
into piles of ash.
Sit down!
Before I sentence you,
is there anything
you have to say for yourself?
I... w-w-will a-al-sways...
always r-r-remember
o-our...
our... our... v-v-t-time...
time...
I-in... f-g-g-g-P-P-Peru.
I will always remember our time
in Peru, Your Honor.
[ Gasps ]
Your Honor,
as you can see, my client
is speaking nonsense.
Stop.
Those were my husband's
last words.
He says that he... l-loves you...
ttt-llll-lit-lit-little...
little
ff-gg-sp-spa-ffggarrow...
sparrow!
He loves you,
little sparrow.
[ Sobs ]
He's innocent.
Case dismissed.
I'm coming for you, Condor!
[ Crowd cheers ]
Well, I, for one, will not be
accepting this verdict.
And this little monster may
think he's gotten away,
but there is something called
the court of public opinion
that still has final say
in this country.
Oh, I guess he's coming out
of the courthouse now.
Let's go live to that.
[ Crowd clamoring,
camera shutters clicking ]
[ Crowd gasps ]
[ Howling ]
People, I gotta tell you
something.
That little boy...
I thought I knew everything
about everything.
But something about the tones
and frequencies
that just came out of his mouth
have made me...
I mean, I think we're just about
ready to forgive him
and move past this whole thing.
He's a free young man.
And as far as continuity goes,
the reset button's been hit.
Morty!
That was a fast trial.
Jess-i-ca?
A bunch of us girls were gonna
go skinny-dipping later,
if you wanted to join.
Actually, now, really.
We're gonna do it right now.
This is the last conversation
I'm having about it
fully clothed.
[ Chuckles ]
No, thanks.
I'm... assuming...
we... maybe...
get together...
in our 40s?
Uh, cool.
Sounds... hot.
[ Chuckles ]
Bye.
Must... continue...
moving...
in ways... that lead...
to dying... with you.
Whoa!
Way to use up a clone!
What the [bleep], man?
What's the matter with you?
Y-Y-You don't talk?
Tarantula
got your tongue?
Uh...
Heil, Wasp Hitler?
What?
What the [bleep]?
Where's that [bleep]
coming from?
Look, I'm a primate.
I-I'm having a hard time.
I'll think or say
whatever gets me home.
Well, here's how it works
with wasps.
We eat our prey alive,
and when we don't,
we lay our eggs
in their eyeballs
so that our young can feast
on their brains
when they hatch.
When you're born
that big an asshole,
the least you can do is
have a little empathy.
Now, come have dinner
with my beautiful family.
And drop the Hitler stuff.
Wasp Morty's been on
some crazy message boards.
Aah! Aah!
Oh! Aah! Ow!
Me and my friends
want to fly around
and look for something
to sting tonight.
You be careful not to waste
all your venom.
I'm not a bee, Dad.
Oh, God! Kill me!
Please kill me!
Uh, Beth, uh, after dinner,
could I maybe borrow Morty
to help the lost Rick get back
to his primate-based reality?
Morty, are you done
with your homework?
Not all of it.
Sorry, Dad.
Oh, don't be sorry, sweetie.
We're all in this together.
We're wasps, not monsters.
[ Splat ]
Aah!
Huh, guess I don't have it
as bad as I thought.
Can you pass the acid?
Aah! No!
Run! Run, my babies!
Bonus!
[ Wailing ]
Morty?
Morty?
Where is that little [bleep]?
Morty!
Whoa, garage foul.
Who said you could
go through my stuff?
W-Where's my Boglin?
There you are.
Don't worry, Pop-pop's back.
I'll keep you safe.
What the...
He took my Meeseeks boxes!
All that's left are these
[bleep] Kirkland brand
Meeseeks boxes.
[ Poof ]
What do you want?
Damn,
your Morty sucks.
Aah, wasps!
Why the hell
didn't you show Morty
how to bring my body
back to life?
Don't tell me
you gained sentience
and tried to take over.
What?
That is some A.I.,
racist, accusatory,
Isaac Asimov bull[bleep]
right there.
Then what happened?
Where's my body?
Oh, you're gonna
love this.
[ Beep ]
[ Creaking ]
♪♪
♪♪
[ Munching ]
- I love you, Morty.
- This is my life.
This is good.
[ Crash ]
[ Roaring ]
What do ya know?
Our little Morty knows
how to scream.
Oh, you're [bleep] now!
I told you!
Get him, Rick!
[ Growling ]
Aaaah!
Aah!
I-I can't see my own death.
H-How am I gonna die?!
Shh, quiet, idiot.
Quiet.
It's gonna be alright.
You don't get to know
how you're gonna die.
It's over.
Oh, hey.
This [bleep] ferrofluid's
wrapping around my legs.
[Bleep]
I can feel! I have mass!
I'm a [bleep] god now!
You're [bleep]!
What the [bleep]?
I-I thought you were proud
to be a hologram!
That's 'cause I had to
[bleep] be one!
[ Dramatic music plays ]
Shit! Aaah!
Ugh! Aaah!
[ Splat ]
[ Wasps buzzing ]
There's a lesson here,
and I'm not the one
that's gonna figure it out.
Hey, uh, sorry
I didn't listen to you
and tried to kill
the whole world and stuff.
I guess I got to learn
how to live in the moment
a little more.
Oh, boy, so, you actually
learned something today?
What is this,
"Full House"?
I was living in the moment
all day,
and it kept getting me
killed by Nazis.
I think you have to think ahead
and live in the moment.
Morty, we saw you on the news.
Are you okay?
Oh, real nice, Rick.
Turning our son into an Akira?
Real nice.
- Eat my [bleep], Jerry.
He turned himself
into Akira.
Oh, I'll eat it,
because this is my house, Rick.
I'll eat any [bleep] I want.
- Gross.
You said the crystals wouldn't
hurt anyone, Dad.
This family has
a clean start.
I don't know if adventures
fit into my son's life.
I'm fine.
Get off Rick's back.
Rick wasn't even here
when I was doing all that stuff.
That was all on me.
Well, alright, Morty.
I guess, as long as you're okay,
that's all we care about.
I don't want to see
any more anime stuff
happening to my son,
buster.
That finger has AIDs now.
Not my fault.
[ Gasps ]
You skipped HIV?
- He's messing with you, sweetie.
- But it's tingling!
So, I guess what we learned
is to split the diff.
From now on, Rick and Morty doing a
little of this and a little of that.
Yeah, sometimes
we'll do classic stuff.
You know, other times,
we'll do whatever!
Sometimes we won't even
do anything!
Rick and Morty do...
not doing anything!
A hundred years!
Pushing it to the limit.
Rick and Morty,
not sticking to one path.
Trying different things,
Making sure to keep out
of a rut.
Doing stuff.
Sometimes not doing stuff.
Not even pushing a little bit
towards the limit.
Doing it alone or together.
Making sure to keep our eyes
on the prize.
Sometimes just relaxing.
Or not. And you can do whatever
the [bleep] you want, Morty.
- That's the end.
- Wait, wait, what the [bleep]?
H-Hold on. What the [bleep]
did you just say?
Nothing.
I didn't say anything.
I was just playing along
with you guys.
You know I record everything,
right?
Garage, isolate Summer's voice
and play back.
Oh, and then you guys
can get married,
and, like,
[bleep] each other off
in a testosterone-addled
third-grade-boy [bleep].
What, the hell, Summer?!
That's disgusting.
Gross, Summer!
Jesus Christ!
I was just joking around,
you...
just seeing if you guys
pay any attention to me.
Just want to be
a part of the fun.
Get the [bleep]
out of here!
Get out of here, Summer!
[Bleep] disgusting!
- Get out of here!
You ruined
the Season 4 premiere!
The Season 4 premiere,
you ruined it!
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
God,
tomorrow's career day.
I don't want to think about what
I do when I get out of school.
I know exactly
what I want to do.
I want to work
in hospice.
I want to comfort
the people who are dying,
who have no one else
in their lives...
the real lonely people.
I'm gonna look at their name
tags, and I'm gonna say,
"I love you,"
followed by whatever it says
on their name tag,
over and over.
What the [bleep]?
[ Locker slams ]
Hey, Morty, quick favor.
What, cover me
in gasoline and spiders?
Fine, yeah, I'm in.
Wasn't my first pitch,
but, hey, not gonna waste
this opportunity.
Did you get any of that?
♪♪
Instagram again.
Get out of here,
jerk!
What's so embarrassing,
Morty?
Sharing it with your family
might help.
Summer, stop shaming
your brother.
Morty, stop being a creepy,
perverted cyberstalker.
I'm not cyberstalking!
I-I-I just wanted to know where
she got this necklace from.
And now I know.
Her... Her... Her grandma
left it to her.
You're quiet, Rick.
Shouldn't you be revealing
grandmas aren't real?
Hi. I've placed an auto-response
chip in my brain
so I can spend time
with my family.
But you are spending time
with your family.
Thank you
for talking to Rick.
[ Beep ]
[ Gasps ]
Alright, I'm finished
with my breakfast
and my Amazon wish list.
Let's go, Morty.
I need death crystals
from Forbodulon Prime.
Uh...
Dad?
There's a way we do this now.
Morty, would you please
accompany me
to Forbodulon Prime
for death crystals?
Well, thank you for asking.
Yes, I will do that.
It is a hot photo.
I think grief
flushes your cheeks.
Dad, you hardly put
any syrup on.
Honey, stop raising
your father's cholesterol
so you can take
a hot funeral selfie.
I never get to do
anything.
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
[ Electricity crackles ]
♪♪
Uh, Rick,
maybe if we go a little...
Faster?
Good idea, Morty.
It'll get us through these
asteroids sooner.
[ Whooshing ]
[ Bottles clatter ]
Geez, you're really this pissed
about my mom making sure
I'm okay
with our adventures?
What's next, Morty?
What if I want you to jump off
the Empire State Building?
I have to ask? Yes?
And you seriously don't see how
that's a slippery slope?
Just shut up and help me
with these, please.
Why are they called
death crystals?
D-Do they kill you?
You're thinking of bullets,
Morty.
Death crystals show you
how you're gonna die.
[ Whimpering, screaming ]
Jesus Christ!
I-I die a million times?
Your future stems from
your [burps] present,
which, if you're living right,
keeps changing.
Truth is, anyone that knows how
they're definitely gonna die
is either boring as hell
or about to get shot.
Duck!
Who are those guys?!
Rick:
Crystal poachers.
There's no lower form
of life.
They think the galaxy's
their own personal piggy bank.
Wait, then what are we?
We're Rick and Morty.
You're about to witness the only
real use for these crystals.
They show you when
the other guy's reloading.
Certain death, certain death,
certain death, uncertain death.
[ Lasers zapping ]
And certain death,
certain death, certain death.
Definitely gonna get shot
by this guy;
this is totally my fate;
nothing I could possibly do;
okay, now,
not so much.
Help me gather these up.
You just use these to win fights?
I don't use them.
People that spend their life
avoiding death are already dead.
They're also rich, and I like to
spend my life with their money.
Oh, my God.
Morty!
Jessica!
[ Laughing ] Oh!
I love you.
Oh! Whoa! Whoa!
Morty.
Oh! Oh! Oh!
I love you.
Jessica.
I want to die with Jessica.
[ Death crystals rattling ]
Ahh!
What are you doing?
Oh, um, c-can I drive?
Why?
The... feel of the open road?
Alright!
Who's this grandson?
I like his style.
[ Keys jingle ]
Morty, you know outer space is up, right?
Yeah, yeah.
I'm just, uh,
following... my... instincts.
Will you just go up?
Stop!
You're gonna make me die wrong!
Wait a minute, what?
Morty, do you have
a death crystal in your pocket?
No! Maybe!
You little monster!
I thought you were
masturbating!
And you took that
in stride?!
You'd rather
I address it?!
Why would I be doing it?!
Why would you steal
a death crystal?!
I want to die old!
Then stop driving!
No!
You son of a bitch!
Give me the wheel, Morty.
Goddamn it.
[ Splat ]
[ Electricity crackles ]
Ohhh, shit.
Oh, [bleep], oh, [bleep],
oh, [bleep], oh, [bleep].
- I love you, Morty.
- [ Sighs ]
I will avenge my death.
Holy [bleep]!
Just kidding.
I'm a crisis detection
and correction hologram
generated by a chip that
"real" Rick put in your spine.
"Real" in quotes because calling
density-privileged entities
"real"
is incredibly holo-phobic.
Morty, do me a solid...
problematic wordplay aside...
grab the gun with the blue
handle from the trunk
and get a tissue sample
from the corpse.
[ Device beeps ]
Alright, now
take that to the trunk
and insert it
into the clone compiler.
I see you appear to be holding
a death crystal
that's guiding your decisions
more than I am.
That's your right.
I just want to remind you that
some people can't hold anything
and can never die, so that's
a little offensive to...
[ Engine starts ]
Oh, okay.
Listen, I'm programmed
for tolerance, Morty.
So I'm willing to accept
that you're doing this
if you're willing to accept
that you need to stop.
[ Whirring ]
Accepting.
Rerouted.
Backup. Data.
Operation. Phoenix. Initiated.
[ Coughing ]
What the hell?
I axed this protocol.
What are you doing
with my clone?
It's okay. I'm you.
I took my own clone vat offline
a couple seasons ago,
so I think my backup got
rerouted to your universe.
I'm sorry. All good.
Happy to help.
By the way, annoying
that I even have to ask,
but you are down with
fascist dystopias, right?
[ Dramatic music plays ]
YYYYYes.
That "yes" was pretty...
[ Gun cocks ]
Liberal
with the letter "Y."
Well, isn't this strange.
I trust, the kind of strange
that makes Rick and Morty...
[ Gun cocks ]
stronger.
Morty, I caught this socialist
in my bathrobe.
He wants to give
all of our martinis
to a family
of immigrants.
Obviously,
the most likely imposter
is the wet, naked clone.
It is obvious.
But it won't be
to the police.
Ohh!
'Kay.
He was an inferior Rick.
He was too political.
I want to have fun, classic
Rick-and-Morty adventures
like in the old days.
Then we'll get along fine,
Fascist Morty.
For starters, I just need to get
to Forbodulon Prime...
You will go
where I want you to go!!
[Bleep]
[ School bell rings ]
Hey, hey! Ho, ho!
Not cloning your grandpa
has got to go!
Hey, hey! Ho, ho!
Not cloning your grandpa
has got to go!
You don't get out of my face,
I'm gonna flush Rick's DNA.
Alright.
Okay, regroup, everybody.
You, too, Berkeley!
Snap out of it.
At least tell me
what this death is
that you're
so determined to...
Oh. Jessica.
Morty, I love...
What?! No, no!
No, no, no!
- [ Screaming ]
- I love you.
Damn it!
How am I gonna die with her
if I can't even talk to her?
Here's an idea, Morty.
Throw that thing in the garbage,
stop planning your own death,
and talk to whoever you want.
Now you just sound
like Real Rick.
You're better than
that language, Morty.
I ain't better than shit,
Jack.
So, uh,
w-what are we doing?
Stop asking questions.
Stop doing meta-commentary.
Just have fun.
We're going on a simple,
fun, classic adventure.
Okay, you know what?
It would really help
if you could just say anything
other than what you don't want.
I like Mr. Meeseeks.
Okay, now we're talking.
You know what?
I usually keep a Meeseeks box
in my glove compartment,
so maybe Fascist Rick
does, too.
Ah!
Well, look at that.
Now we're doing something
we've done before.
I'm Mr. Meeseeks!
Kill this Nazi prick!
Can do!
- Come here, you son of a bitch!
- No! Stop!
[ Shouting ]
[ Whirring ]
Accepting. Rerouted.
Backup. Data.
Operation. Phoenix. Initiated.
[ Coughing ]
Aw, come on, man.
Whoa, are you okay?
Yeah, sorry.
[ Burps ]
I'm a Rick
from another reality.
I-I got uploaded
to your clone vat.
Hey, don't worry about it, man.
I have a dozen.
W-W-What the heck,
Rick?
Are you making clones
down here?
Get outta here, Morty!
Stop asking
stupid questions, Morty!
You sound like a piece of
[bleep].
Aw, geez.
So, tell the truth, man.
No shame.
You're looking at
your shrimp body like "What?!"
Ah, is it that obvious?
I'm sorry.
Yeah, my original body is more
bipedal... uh, ape-descended.
Really! Weird.
Does your house look
like a tree, or...
No, it looks like this.
It's, like, identical
to this, actually.
That is such
a mind [bleep].
It's all good, man.
I'm fine with it.
Honestly, you're doing me
a huge favor
by being shrimp
instead of fascists.
What?
[ Siren wails ]
Goddamn it!
When did this shit become
the default?!
[ Dogs barking ]
Who wants to come up
to the board
and show me
some basic-ass integers?
- I love you, Morty.
- Aah!
[ Gasps ]
[ Class murmurs ]
Morty?
Yeah, right.
[ Chalk scraping ]
That's not an integer!
Apparently,
it doesn't matter.
Damn, Morty,
you're bad at math,
but I'm giving you
an A-plus in confidence.
Just doin'
what I gotta do.
Extra credit!
I love you, Morty.
I love you, Morty.
What's with the strut?
You think you own this school?
- Nope!
What if I killed you?
Would you be strutting then?
Only if the events of the Pixar
movie "Coco" are to be believed,
which I doubt.
I have it on good authority
that you're probably
not gonna kill me.
So why don't you do
what I do
and just go with the flow,
nice and Zen, baby.
Aah! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!
Ugh! Impotence!
[ Cheering ]
Aah! Impotent rage!
[ Wailing, sobbing ]
Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!
You die tomorrow,
no matter what.
It's what bullies call
a "fait accompli."
Oh, man! Oh, [bleep]!
Well, well, well. Mm.
Looks like you got yourself in
a lick of trouble, huh, Morty?
Okay, okay, look,
if you help me not die,
I'll bring Rick
back to life.
Why are you pretending
to eat chicken?
Excuse me?
This chicken is
quite real to me.
Yeah, okay,
but it doesn't have...
Nutrients?
Yeah.
What's the last thing
you ate?
Baloney and an orange.
So, no holographic foods?
So, to me, you never ate?
Or we could try
respecting each other.
Will you just show me
how to stay alive?
Hologram Rick:
Alright, Morty, a deal's a deal.
Once we bring your Rick
back to life,
then I'll help you
with the bully.
Go ahead and open the hatch
to the subterranean lab.
That's where all
the cloning equipment is.
[ Wailing ]
Please tell me you're not
hitting that crystal again.
Look, Rick might be the epitome
of bloated flesh privilege,
but he's right
about one thing.
You're gonna be a lot happier
if you focus on the moment,
rather than on
how you're gonna die.
I mean, w-who's worried
about that, huh?
Sorry, Hologram Rick.
I'm going with the crystal
on this one.
- [ Wailing ]
- Morty.
Oh, alright, okay.
Just because I can't interact
with solid matter
means you can just
walk all over me?
Dear God.
[ Whirring ]
[ Coughing ]
Bist du faschistisch?
Nope.
[ Glass shatters ]
Finally.
I thought maybe you were
pussying out.
Hyah!
What the [bleep]?
Oh, the air's getting thin!
Well, well, well, looks like
there's a new bully in town!
Lucky for us, he just made
bully-bullying the new bullying!
Bully him!
[ Splat ]
Aah!
[ Siren wails ] Cop: We've got
an Akira-type situation going on
behind the mall.
Over.
Dying with Jessica...
Hey!
What the hell?
Aah! Aah!
[ Tires screech ]
I'm Mr. Meeseeks!
Look at me!
Shield me from the law!
- Yes, sir! Can do!
- Stand down!
- Look at me!
- [ Screaming ]
[ Dramatic music plays ]
♪♪
[ Indistinct shouting ]
I... will... die... old!
Up next, an unstoppable
science-fiction boy
is attacking our nation's
final line of defense.
Will we all fall
to his deadly touch?
But first, something silly?
What do you mean,
"but first"?
I already said "up next."
You always do this.
I don't always do shit.
Don't gaslight me.
Gaslighting doesn't exist.
You made it up
'cause you're [bleep] crazy.
[ Dramatic music plays ]
♪♪
♪♪
Why are you letting me
do this?
[ Robotically ]
I do as the crystal guides.
[ Gavel bangs ]
Your Honor, my client was acting
in self-defense.
He turned 13 men
into piles of ash.
Sit down!
Before I sentence you,
is there anything
you have to say for yourself?
I... w-w-will a-al-sways...
always r-r-remember
o-our...
our... our... v-v-t-time...
time...
I-in... f-g-g-g-P-P-Peru.
I will always remember our time
in Peru, Your Honor.
[ Gasps ]
Your Honor,
as you can see, my client
is speaking nonsense.
Stop.
Those were my husband's
last words.
He says that he... l-loves you...
ttt-llll-lit-lit-little...
little
ff-gg-sp-spa-ffggarrow...
sparrow!
He loves you,
little sparrow.
[ Sobs ]
He's innocent.
Case dismissed.
I'm coming for you, Condor!
[ Crowd cheers ]
Well, I, for one, will not be
accepting this verdict.
And this little monster may
think he's gotten away,
but there is something called
the court of public opinion
that still has final say
in this country.
Oh, I guess he's coming out
of the courthouse now.
Let's go live to that.
[ Crowd clamoring,
camera shutters clicking ]
[ Crowd gasps ]
[ Howling ]
People, I gotta tell you
something.
That little boy...
I thought I knew everything
about everything.
But something about the tones
and frequencies
that just came out of his mouth
have made me...
I mean, I think we're just about
ready to forgive him
and move past this whole thing.
He's a free young man.
And as far as continuity goes,
the reset button's been hit.
Morty!
That was a fast trial.
Jess-i-ca?
A bunch of us girls were gonna
go skinny-dipping later,
if you wanted to join.
Actually, now, really.
We're gonna do it right now.
This is the last conversation
I'm having about it
fully clothed.
[ Chuckles ]
No, thanks.
I'm... assuming...
we... maybe...
get together...
in our 40s?
Uh, cool.
Sounds... hot.
[ Chuckles ]
Bye.
Must... continue...
moving...
in ways... that lead...
to dying... with you.
Whoa!
Way to use up a clone!
What the [bleep], man?
What's the matter with you?
Y-Y-You don't talk?
Tarantula
got your tongue?
Uh...
Heil, Wasp Hitler?
What?
What the [bleep]?
Where's that [bleep]
coming from?
Look, I'm a primate.
I-I'm having a hard time.
I'll think or say
whatever gets me home.
Well, here's how it works
with wasps.
We eat our prey alive,
and when we don't,
we lay our eggs
in their eyeballs
so that our young can feast
on their brains
when they hatch.
When you're born
that big an asshole,
the least you can do is
have a little empathy.
Now, come have dinner
with my beautiful family.
And drop the Hitler stuff.
Wasp Morty's been on
some crazy message boards.
Aah! Aah!
Oh! Aah! Ow!
Me and my friends
want to fly around
and look for something
to sting tonight.
You be careful not to waste
all your venom.
I'm not a bee, Dad.
Oh, God! Kill me!
Please kill me!
Uh, Beth, uh, after dinner,
could I maybe borrow Morty
to help the lost Rick get back
to his primate-based reality?
Morty, are you done
with your homework?
Not all of it.
Sorry, Dad.
Oh, don't be sorry, sweetie.
We're all in this together.
We're wasps, not monsters.
[ Splat ]
Aah!
Huh, guess I don't have it
as bad as I thought.
Can you pass the acid?
Aah! No!
Run! Run, my babies!
Bonus!
[ Wailing ]
Morty?
Morty?
Where is that little [bleep]?
Morty!
Whoa, garage foul.
Who said you could
go through my stuff?
W-Where's my Boglin?
There you are.
Don't worry, Pop-pop's back.
I'll keep you safe.
What the...
He took my Meeseeks boxes!
All that's left are these
[bleep] Kirkland brand
Meeseeks boxes.
[ Poof ]
What do you want?
Damn,
your Morty sucks.
Aah, wasps!
Why the hell
didn't you show Morty
how to bring my body
back to life?
Don't tell me
you gained sentience
and tried to take over.
What?
That is some A.I.,
racist, accusatory,
Isaac Asimov bull[bleep]
right there.
Then what happened?
Where's my body?
Oh, you're gonna
love this.
[ Beep ]
[ Creaking ]
♪♪
♪♪
[ Munching ]
- I love you, Morty.
- This is my life.
This is good.
[ Crash ]
[ Roaring ]
What do ya know?
Our little Morty knows
how to scream.
Oh, you're [bleep] now!
I told you!
Get him, Rick!
[ Growling ]
Aaaah!
Aah!
I-I can't see my own death.
H-How am I gonna die?!
Shh, quiet, idiot.
Quiet.
It's gonna be alright.
You don't get to know
how you're gonna die.
It's over.
Oh, hey.
This [bleep] ferrofluid's
wrapping around my legs.
[Bleep]
I can feel! I have mass!
I'm a [bleep] god now!
You're [bleep]!
What the [bleep]?
I-I thought you were proud
to be a hologram!
That's 'cause I had to
[bleep] be one!
[ Dramatic music plays ]
Shit! Aaah!
Ugh! Aaah!
[ Splat ]
[ Wasps buzzing ]
There's a lesson here,
and I'm not the one
that's gonna figure it out.
Hey, uh, sorry
I didn't listen to you
and tried to kill
the whole world and stuff.
I guess I got to learn
how to live in the moment
a little more.
Oh, boy, so, you actually
learned something today?
What is this,
"Full House"?
I was living in the moment
all day,
and it kept getting me
killed by Nazis.
I think you have to think ahead
and live in the moment.
Morty, we saw you on the news.
Are you okay?
Oh, real nice, Rick.
Turning our son into an Akira?
Real nice.
- Eat my [bleep], Jerry.
He turned himself
into Akira.
Oh, I'll eat it,
because this is my house, Rick.
I'll eat any [bleep] I want.
- Gross.
You said the crystals wouldn't
hurt anyone, Dad.
This family has
a clean start.
I don't know if adventures
fit into my son's life.
I'm fine.
Get off Rick's back.
Rick wasn't even here
when I was doing all that stuff.
That was all on me.
Well, alright, Morty.
I guess, as long as you're okay,
that's all we care about.
I don't want to see
any more anime stuff
happening to my son,
buster.
That finger has AIDs now.
Not my fault.
[ Gasps ]
You skipped HIV?
- He's messing with you, sweetie.
- But it's tingling!
So, I guess what we learned
is to split the diff.
From now on, Rick and Morty doing a
little of this and a little of that.
Yeah, sometimes
we'll do classic stuff.
You know, other times,
we'll do whatever!
Sometimes we won't even
do anything!
Rick and Morty do...
not doing anything!
A hundred years!
Pushing it to the limit.
Rick and Morty,
not sticking to one path.
Trying different things,
Making sure to keep out
of a rut.
Doing stuff.
Sometimes not doing stuff.
Not even pushing a little bit
towards the limit.
Doing it alone or together.
Making sure to keep our eyes
on the prize.
Sometimes just relaxing.
Or not. And you can do whatever
the [bleep] you want, Morty.
- That's the end.
- Wait, wait, what the [bleep]?
H-Hold on. What the [bleep]
did you just say?
Nothing.
I didn't say anything.
I was just playing along
with you guys.
You know I record everything,
right?
Garage, isolate Summer's voice
and play back.
Oh, and then you guys
can get married,
and, like,
[bleep] each other off
in a testosterone-addled
third-grade-boy [bleep].
What, the hell, Summer?!
That's disgusting.
Gross, Summer!
Jesus Christ!
I was just joking around,
you...
just seeing if you guys
pay any attention to me.
Just want to be
a part of the fun.
Get the [bleep]
out of here!
Get out of here, Summer!
[Bleep] disgusting!
- Get out of here!
You ruined
the Season 4 premiere!
The Season 4 premiere,
you ruined it!
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
God,
tomorrow's career day.
I don't want to think about what
I do when I get out of school.
I know exactly
what I want to do.
I want to work
in hospice.
I want to comfort
the people who are dying,
who have no one else
in their lives...
the real lonely people.
I'm gonna look at their name
tags, and I'm gonna say,
"I love you,"
followed by whatever it says
on their name tag,
over and over.
What the [bleep]?
[ Locker slams ]
Hey, Morty, quick favor.
What, cover me
in gasoline and spiders?
Fine, yeah, I'm in.
Wasn't my first pitch,
but, hey, not gonna waste
this opportunity.
Did you get any of that?
♪♪