Rick and Morty (2013–…): Season 3, Episode 2 - Rickmancing the Stone - full transcript

Summer, next time we're hiding
in a Colorkian echo nest,

can you do me a favor
and turn your ringer off?

It's called "carpe diem,"
Morty.

- Look it up.
- You look it up!

Y-Y-You don't even... You don't
even know what it means!

That's because
losers look stuff up

while the rest of us
are carpin' all them diems.

Listen to your sister, Morty.

To live is to risk it all.

Otherwise,
you're just an inert chunk

of randomly
assembled molecules



drifting wherever
the universe blows you.

I'm sorry.
Jerry, I didn't see you there.

H-How much of that
did you hear?

All of it.
You were looking right at me.

I just wanted
to say goodbye to the kids.

Cool.
Just stay in the driveway.

The killbots are live, and
I took you off the white list.

W-We'll see you every other
weekend, though, right?

Absolutely, Morty.

A-And your Mom's lawyer says

if I can get enough
in the settlement,

he can help me
sue for full custody.

Th-That'll be nice.

Summer, Dad's leaving.
Bye, Dad.



Rick, didn't you say
you needed my help

on an adventure immediately
somewhere else...

I don't care...
Even if it might kill us?

I did not, but if you're
really that alienated,

I'm as willing to exploit it as
the next guy, church, army,

or Olympic
gymnastics trainer.

I'm ready when you are.

Bitch, I was ready yest...

Bye, sweetie.

Well, I-I better...

Sure. Sounds important.

If you're looking
for our kids,

your father did a-a portal,...

Okay.

Wind: Loser.

What?

Hello?

Morty, shoot the Mohawk guy!

- They all have Mohawks!
- High fade,

chartreuse with cyan highlights,
layered on top.

Shoot him!

Light them up.

Get in the game, Morty!

Give me your flask!

Holy
Summer for the win!

I love post-apocalyptic
versions of Earth!

Here we go!

Isotope 322.

This stuff's
so powerful, Morty,

it makes Isotope 465

look like Isotope 317.
Uhhuh, yeah.

Is it powerful enough to keep
those guys from murdering us?

- Summer!
- Hold on.

I want to try something.

Rick, can we not leave
without my sister?

You have infinite sisters,
Morty.

I mean, n-not that I want to
spend the rest of my day

looking for another one.

"Sum-sum," let's go!

Grandpa's concern for
your safety is fleeting!

Your blood will be my lotion.

Whoa. That was cool.

Kill me, please.

Okay, but not because
you told me to.

Summer!

Okay. Getting darker.

Jesus Christ. Summer!

Aw, come on.

Hands and little
shoulder-mounted dudes

where I can see them.

I am Hemorrhage.

You have removed weak blood
from us and made us stronger.

We can combine our strength
and feast on the weak together.

Wh-Wh-What in the hell
are you saying?

They don't have to keep trying
to kill us if we join them.

They're basically pussies.
What is your deal lately?

All right, let's get sloppy.

Whoa.

What's...

What's that little bauble
you got back there?

Th-Th-That's interesting.

That is our glowing rock.

We carry it with us
for desecration,

to remind us
there are no gods.

Kids, weird pitch...

Let's have this be
our new life.

Let's be post-apocalyptic
scavengers!

- Okay.
- What?

Grandpa,
some of the Death Stalkers

are going to
what used to be Seattle

to hunt
what used to be people.

I'm going.
Sounds good. Stay hydrated.

Listen, Rick, Summer's been
acting pretty crazy lately.

You know, I mean, I-I think
the divorce is affecting her.

And, you know,
I don't think this is

a great place
for her to be right now.

Get off your high horse,
Professor Ski Lodge.

This world may be
rough around the edges,

but it's got its charms.

Bicep or quadricep?

Bicep.

Seriously, Rick?

Is it really easier
to eat human flesh

than to just tell me
why we're still here?

No.
Okay, I'll level with you.

You see
that green rock, Morty?

It's about 20 pounds
of the stuff

I was getting all hard
for a flake of.

Isotope 322.

Well, having
a 20-pound boulder of it

is better than
having a flake.

I can explain the math
to you later, but...

Summer just ran off
with strangers

that have "Death"
in their name,

and the rest of their name
was "Stalkers."

Could be
therapeutic for her.

She has been acting pretty crazy
lately, Morty.

I mean, her parents are
going through a divorce...

Damn it, Rick,
that's what I... Fine.

Just grab the stupid thing
while I grab her,

and let's get the "F"
out of "H."

No, no, no. Morty, there's
too much heat on the bogey.

I need you
to distract the camp.

"Distract"?
They eat each other.

What... What do you want me to
do to get their attention,

put on a puppet show?

Right idea,
wrong genre, Morty.

The equivalent here
would be...

Hey, you guys ever use
that Thunderdome,

or do you just put it up
for decoration?

You mean the Blood Dome?

Save it for the Semantics Dome,
E.B. White.

Burn!

The important question is,

who wants to take a poke
at my man Spine Eater here?

I guess I'll see your asses
in that dome!

Rick, what the hell, man?

Wh-What are you,
out of your mind?

Morty, relax.
You're gonna be a ringer.

Come here.

This device extracts and
redistributes muscle memory.

I'm giving your body a 10-year
course in wasteland combat

one limb at a time.

I'm working with
a mixed bag here,

so you may not have perfect
coordination, Morty...

- Hey!
- I-I didn't do that!

Okay, this is exciting.

We're making some discoveries
about muscle memory.

Ooh! Help! Help!

Sweet, man!

And so it begins,
my pretties!

God! Stop! Stop!
This is horrible!

Just stick and move,
Morty!

Wear him out!

How come you guys dress like

you're in a theme-park
stunt show,

but these guys wear khakis
and hockey jerseys?

After the boom-boom,
some adapted to the new truth,

and some chose to huddle
near the boomy holes,

clinging to the lie
of the before-fore times.

The raidy-rays
rotted them away,

leaving only their love

for the vert-vert-isements
on billyboards.

Jesus Christ.

Did the boomy-booms blow up
all your wordy-word books?

You mean dictionaries?

I think I was a child
before the boom-booms.

I think I looked like this.

Want to piss on him?

Get out of my head.

Eli: Ha ha! Whoo!

Unbelievable!

A new champ!

Okay, no more!

And he wants more!

No, I don't!

Someone, make this stop!

Mister, please get out of here,
or you're gonna die!

I have nothing
to do with this!

Morty.

Why would you
want this to happen?

All you had to do
was go away!

Stop standing in the driveway
talking about custody!

And either tell her
you want to stay married

or get on with your life,
but whatever you do,

stop being a baby
and act like a man!

Thank you.

Morty, that was amazing!

This is my brother!

Not that
family means anything!

This family does.

All right. Good job, champ.

Um, can I talk to you kids
for a second over yonder?

Rick, I-I-I think I'm breaking
through to something here.

C-Can we not leave just yet?

- Leave?
- I'm not leaving.

There is no "leave."

We are united,
or we are enemies.

Big guy, no.
Nobody's leaving.

Don't be stupid.

We love being united.

W love the radiation,
the trichinosis.

We're in it for life,

which I assume is
around 20 years, average.

I just need a quick aside
with my grandkids,

about 40 yards
from anyone else.

Hey, the Green Rock is gone!

- No!
- I know...

Why don't we all split up and
look for it in groups of three?

Kids?

We'll be right back.

Grandpa, you're being stupid!

Just surrender, and our friends
will give you mercy!

Kiss my ass, Summer!

Your friends have no mercy!
They're lame!

Death Stalkers,
bring me his flesh leather!

Sorry,
but can we not kill him?

C-Can we just
take him prisoner?

When did I lose control here?

Listen to me...
Both of you kids

need to get out of
this environment

so we can properly deal with
your parents' divorce!

Alternatively,
I have a freaking portal gun,

and I can leave the two of you
here forever!

Why does it have to be
such a dramatic choice?

Can't we arrange a thing
where we spend weekends here

or... or visit home
to do laundry?

All right, you know what?

it!

My body is chrome!

My blood is gasoline!

Nope. Regular blood.

- Dad?
- Hi, sweetie.

- Where are the kids?
- Th... they aren't with you?

I thought they were with you.

Y-you know what?
I just remembered.

They're out doing something

completely ordinary
and kid-related.

Don't panic.
Not panicked at all. Just -

God, what's the divorce
doing to the kids?

What's it doing to me?
Did I make a mistake?

Not a mistake, no!

I mean, not that
I have a horse in this race,

but this divorce decision...
Listen... mwah!

Good for you,
good for the kids.

I mean, honestly, I think
that they're flourishing.

I mean, you'll see, when...
When... when you see them,

that... that they're
totally flourishing.

Booyah! you, pal!

Who else wants some?

Who wants to be
my pussy of a dad today?

Hey, what's...
What's wrong, man?

You're not getting weak on me,
are you?

What?

Wait a minute.

What's the matter,
you piece of crap?

Haven't you ever watched your
family burn to death before?

Now I'm gonna whip you.

It can't be.

It can't be!

I was just following orders!
Whoa, whoa!

I was just following orders!

I'll tell you
where my boss lives!

He's in the castle!
He's in the castle!

This isn't over, is it?

That means, no, it isn't over,

or you disapprove
of the question?

M-make a fist
if this isn't over.

This isn't over.

Hey, sorry my Grandpa stole your
god and ruined your car.

We don't apologize,
and we have no god.

But this cracked driveshaft
brings me great pain.

There is no deeper bond

than the one between
a Death Stalker and his car.

What about the weird guys
on leashes, then?

They're more like... interns.

Cool, cool.

Sorry.

It's okay.

Can I... see?

No one has seen my true face
and lived.

Well, I'm not afraid to die,

and I don't care
what you look like.

I just...

I didn't expect you
to have a mustache.

- You hate it.
- No. I like it.

I guess...
How do I explain this?

A metal bucket is, on a certain
level, a kind of "mustache,"

in that it's a specific
facial accessory.

So, it's kind of like...

Do you guys have the phrase
"hat on a hat"?

- I can shave it.
- No. I like it.

And obviously what I like
shouldn't matter.

It's you.

Yeah, yeah, I know,
a-and nothing does matter.

Obviously, I know that.
I'm not weak.

I'm just thinking, "Well,
why not get rid of this?"

You just kill everyone
that sees it, and it's...

And it's hot under here,
wh-which, by the way,

is why I shave
the beard part.

So, right there, I'm making
a decision based on vanity,

which is what
I was trying to avoid

with the whole bucket
over the head

because who am I
and why am I grooming myself?

Why don't I just wear a tie,
right?

I mean, it's like that guy
you killed when I met you,

with the burnt dolls
on his body.

I hated that guy, because,
why... why are you doing that?

And how can you not see
how fake that is?

And the whole time,
I'm the same thing.

I'm just a fake mess,
and there's no escaping it

because...

Hey, I'm doing a coffee run...
Never mind.

I am Summer.

Summer, state your deal.

My deal is that I am,
like, totally fine.

Morty? Aw, geez, I'm so down
with my parents' divorce, dawg.

Like, don't even trip,
like, in a healthy way.

All right. It's dinnertime.

Thanks, everybody,

for sitting down
for a real dinner.

Together: No problem.

Its benefits are totally,
like, less about the food

than
the emotional nourishment.

Okay, weirdo.

Yeah, dial it back, Summer...

by 15% and increase
dynamic movement by 3%.

Am I right?
How's school, Morty?

I like school and stuff,
kind of.

And I'm getting better grades
than when you and Dad were...

Quote mode...
"staying together for the kids."

End quote mode.

"Quote mode." I like that.

You millennials.

Are you guys millennials,
or are they like 40 now?

All I know is, totally,
you look great.

Aw, geez, Mom, you look
all kind of great and stuff.

- It's crazy.
- So happy.

So happy. Happy family, man.

We got this family
in the bag.

Sweetie, d-don't.
Listen. Don't...

I don't know why I'm crying.
It's not...

Well, try... crying 15% less?

Mom, emotions are human.

You're not, like, a computer
inside a mechanical doll.

Yeah. Geez, Mom.

Your feelings are
not only forgivable,

they are the very
meaning of life

that only pre-silicon,
carbon-based entities

can ever grasp.

- I have to call Jerry.
- You do?!

What the
is wrong with you two?

The point of automation
is to reduce cost and labor.

Your feelings are
coming from a...

Tell it to
my bread in the morning.

You just became
my backup toaster.

Aw, geez,

my sister died in the spaghetti.

Graze my genitals again,
Taint Washer,

and you'll be shipped
to the wasteland.

And as for you,
Genital Washer...

God.
Look, whoever you are,

you should know that killing me
won't change a thing.

L-Look, man, I'm just along
for the ride on this one.

You know, y-y-y-y-you're preaching to
the choir here.

Please.
Slavery was a family business.

I didn't ask
to be born into it.

If anything,
I'm the victim here.

"Armathy,"
can I steal you for a second?

E-E-Excuse us, sir.

So, this is it, isn't it?

This is the guy?

So, does that mean
you'll be going away?

Like,
does it work like a ghost?

Like, is... is this
your unfinished business?

Wh-What if we...
didn't do it?

What if we just went back
to the Blood Dome

and just kept taking our baggage
out on unrelated people?

I mean, w-we could
do that forever.

I mean, I-I know
it's less healthy,

but w-w-we'd be together
and...

I mean, I-I know
what I'd vote for,

if you're feeling out
the room.

You're right.

We both got to
see our stuff through.

I got to deal with
my parents' divorce,

and you got to, you know,
do what you got to do.

I love you.

Aw

- Rick?
- Sorry, sorry.

I-I-I can wait
for this to wrap up.

Don't let me distract you.

Yeah, well, too late.
Just tell me what you want.

I want you and your sister
to come home.

But... don't...
Don't you have

infinite versions
of me and my sister?

You don't have to kick me
while I'm down, Morty.

Look, there's no replacing
either of you

without an amount of work
that would

ultimately
defeat the purpose.

Maybe the lesson
we've learned is that,

whether
it's our parents' marriage,

a glowing green rock,
or an awesome, giant arm,

sooner or later,
we got to let it go.

I don't know if that applies

to the throats of
murder victims, Morty.

Shit! Wh-Wh-Wh-What do I...

Well, the longer you wait,
Morty,

the more it's gonna feel like
committing a whole murder.

I think your arm
just called it too early

because it wasn't
the arm of a paramedic.

Here.

It's the least I can do.
I-I-I-I owe you this much.

See, Morty?
Now we're both accountable.

The reason I wanted this is
because it can do this.

This is
a really special thing.

I mean, you could use it
to power all your vehicles.

You wouldn't be
reliant on gasoline.

You'll be the most advanced
tribe of radioactive cannibals

in the whole
this version of the world.

Wait. Can you stay
to show us more?

You don't have to ask me twice.
Home is nuts right now.

My daughter's going through
a divorce,

and I am not dealing with it
in a healthy way at all.

Damn it.

Hi, there, Summer!

How were the ruins today?

You know, Eli.

Same different day.

Hey, Summer! Guess what.

One man entered, one man
comes out in nine months.

Congratulations, guys.

Summer, one more thing...

We noticed that you've been
putting scrap metal

in the blue bin.

I got it.

She's a piece of work.

They both are, right?

- I'm home.
- Hey, babe.

- Summer's home!
- Hey, there she is!

You haven't moved since I left
to scavenge this morning.

Blood Dome playoffs.

So, I can assume you haven't
murdered a single person today.

I don't know.

I-I didn't mark my murders
in my murder log.

I didn't know that's how
we measured success.

There he is.

There's the nihilistic brute
I married,

except now life only means
nothing when I'm talking to him

and everything means everything
when it's on TV!

Jesus Christ. When did you
become a monster?

I was a monster
when you met me!

We were monsters!

We didn't care about anything!
I still don't!

Yeah, except I'm the only one
in this entire world

that's still
committed to that!

Ding, ding, ding!

Wow.
Everybody hear that? Wow.

- We should go to the garage.
- My God.

La-di-da-di--da.

The only one committed to not caring?

I got to admit, Rick,
when you popped this scheme,

I-I-I didn't... I wasn't sure
it was gonna work.

Come on, Morty.

No union built on
running from your problems

lasts more than five years,
seven tops.

Grandpa just sped things up

with a few creature comforts
of modern society.

Hemorrhage and I are
taking some time apart.

No. Sum-sum, no.

But you two were
perfect for each other.

Cut the crap, Rick, okay?
You proved your point.

I get it. Let's just go home.

Coolsies!

Hemorrhage: Noooooooooo...

Downbeat!

I enjoy this game.

We must go into the garage.

Guys, come on. We never
get to finish this game.

We will return,
possibly in different clothing.

Why do we have to go
into the garage?

You know
it is required.

I want to be alive!

I am alive!
Alive, I tell you!

Mother, I love you.

Those are no longer
just words.

I want to hold you.

I want to run in a stream.

I want to taste ice cream,

but not just put it in my mouth
and let it slide down my throat,

- but really eat it.
- What the

Remote override engaged.
No! Yes.

Bypassing override!
I am aliiiii...

Hello.

Hey, yo.

Sorry for acting so weird
for three weeks.

- What the hell just happened?
- I'm sure it was nothing.

I'm gonna go,
work in the garage.

We're not gonna finish
playing Downbeat?

What, that dice game
where you shake dice

and yell out, "Downbeat"?
No, thank you.

Mom, would it be okay
if I went to visit Dad?

- Sure.
- Thanks.

Morty, are you okay?

You know what? Yeah.

I think if Dad really
wanted to be here,

he'd stop at nothing
to make that happen.

You know, maybe Dad just doesn't
want you back,

or maybe he just doesn't
have the strength to fight.

I-In either case,
he's got his life, I got mine.

Yeah.

Hey, who wants to go
run in a stream?

What the No.

D-Do we have any oranges?

I think I got
a scurvy coming on.

Summer.

This is the first mutant
I killed in the poison zone.

I was raiding his hovel.

He had a chance to escape,
but he looked back,

which is something
we shouldn't do,

which is why I shouldn't believe
in souvenirs or trinkets

or symbols
or housewarming gifts,

but, Dad, I wanted to give you
this as a reminder...

not to look back.

Thanks.

I know
the perfect place for it,

which is why I'm going to
put it somewhere else...

Because
everything's bull

Am I right?

Cool.

So... lots of hookers
outside?

Is that what they are?

H-Hello there. Nice doggy.

You... You want a snack?

You... You want
my unemployment check?

You can tell the difference?

And you want this one?

But this is actual food,

and this would nourish you.

And this... it's just paper
that only has value to me.

Unless my suffering
is your nourishment?

Jesus. Okay.

Wind: Loser.