Rick and Morty (2013–…): Season 3, Episode 1 - The Rickshank Rickdemption - full transcript

Anyway, that's how I
escaped from space prison!

Oh, scary place.

Wow, Rick! That's... That's
one... one heck of a story.

I sure do wish I could have been
there to see it happen. Oh, come on.

Who wants to watch a mad scientist
use handmade sci-fi tools

to take out highly trained
alien guards

when we can sit here
and be a family at Shoney's?

Dad, it's great to have you
back, no matter where we are,

but wouldn't you like
to go home?

Emotionally speaking, honey,
Shoney's is my home.

Yeah, but you just
got out of prison.



I mean, how much of a step up
from that is...

Jerry, get out of the booth,
take all your clothes off,

and fold yourself 12 times.

You got it.

Six folds, huh?

W-W-What, have you guys got me
in a Series 9000?

You cheap insect fucks didn't think
I was worth your best equipment?

Man, I told the money bugs.

I said, "You know
who this guy is, right?"

You want me to get intel
out of the smartest mammal

"in the galaxy, you better
give me a decent brainalyzer."

Well, you might as well
order some pancakes,

because I don't see the need
to leave this part of my brain.

Oh, I think you do.



Eventually, you're either gonna
relax your cerebellum...

Shoney's. - ...or the Series 9000
is going to turn it into mush.

Relaxed enough?

I admire you, Rick.

When I...

Rick, here's...

What's going on?

It's hard to tell. He may have
manifested some sort of butt.

He can do that?

He is the smartest man
in the universe.

I tell ya, the Galactic
Federation taking over Earth...

Best thing that's ever happened
to this family.

I just got my sixth promotion
this week,

and I still don't know
what I do.

Who cares how high
they promote you?

Everyone just gets paid
in pills.

Well, when you're not sure
what you do for a living,

you can make your own rules.

Summer, show your father
some respect.

He's pulling down
- a six-chewable figure income.

I'll get that in a moment.
How are everyone's pills?

Oh, Morty, you've hardly
touched your pills.

I kind of had big pills
for lunch, and I

wasn't gonna eat any more pills.

Thank you, Conroy.

You spoil us, Conroy.

Grandpa Rick wouldn't put up
with this!

Stop saying his name!
He abandoned us.

Willem Dafoe!

Th-That's the guy I couldn't
think of this morning.

Don't make my mistake, Summer.

Don't deify the people
that leave you.

You'll end up a horse surgeon
in a world controlled by aliens

whose medicine keeps horses

healthy forever.

Horses live longer
than tortoises now.

Is that what you want
for yourself?

Maybe I just want you to care
if I run away yelling!

Who saved room for pill brûlée?

Ooh!

I can see why you chose
this family-friendly restaurant

to represent your cerebellum.

So safe, so comfortable,
so Shoney's.

But admit it, Rick... you're
going crazy cooped up in here.

Let's go visit some memories.

Oh, any particular ones?

You want to see my first boner,

or should we go straight
to the moment

I discovered
interdimensional travel?

Ooh, your little flappy doodles
are twitching.

Does that mean you're aroused,
or did you just get a signal

that one of your buddies
found a grape?

It's arousal.

Yes, I'd like very much
to visit the memory

of you inventing
your portal gun.

Yeah, well, tough titties.

There's no tougher titty
than a psychotic break, Rick.

Well, that depends on who breaks
first... me or the titty.

Someone special you remember?

Is that your memory of her
out there...

Between where you were on 9/11

and your favorite
sports blooper?

If we stay here, you'll die,
along with all your memories.

If you take me
where I want to go...

she'll be there, too, won't she?

The day I invented the portal
gun is the day I lost her.

Oh, that sounds cool.

I can get what I want
and you can say goodbye.

Fine, but I'm driving.

As an excuse
to strip away our freedom.

Huh? What are you...
What are you doing?

Grandpa Rick must have
some secret lab, right?

With, like, laser guns and
jets packs and a space tank!

And we can go
break him out of prison!

Look at these dead flies!

Maybe if we arrange them
in a certain order,

it plays a hologram
or it opens a secret door.

Summer, you're freaking me out.

I know things have changed
a lot, and I know you miss Rick,

but getting him back
wouldn't make things better.

And, you know,
we're not doing so bad.

We're miserable, Morty!

There's a mandatory curfew,
their weird calendar made me 47,

and they weaponized
the Eiffel Tower!

Hey, I like being 35.
I-I can rent a car now.

Because you suck.

You've been keeping
your lip zipped about it

since Grandpa got arrested,
but the fact is,

you're freaking stoked
to bail on him.

He bails on everybody!

He bailed on Mom
when she was a kid!

He... He bailed
on tiny planet!

And in case I never made this
clear to you, Summer,

he bailed on you.

He left you to rot
in a world that he ruined

because he doesn't care!

Because nobody's special to him,
Summer,

not even himself.

So, if you really want your
grandpa back, grab a shovel.

The one that won't let you down
is buried in your backyard!

You're right!

What?!
No, I'm not right.

I-I was using
ghoulish overkill!

Ghoulish overkill, Summer!

Oh, God!
Oh, God!

Whoa, whoa!

Where are we going?

To the day it all began...
and ended.

The moment
that changed everything.

Welcome to McDonald's.
Can I take your order?

Yeah, I'd like to get
a 10-piece McNugget

and a bunch
of the Szechuan sauce.

Like, as much as you're allowed
to give me.

In 1998, they had this promotion
for the Disney film "Mulan,"

where they...
Where they...

They created a new sauce
for the McNuggets

called Szechuan sauce,
and it's delicious!

And then they got rid of it,
and now it's gone.

This is the only place we're gonna
be able to try it, is in my memory.

Rick, you're doing this bit
while your brain is melting.

Okay. All right,
all right.

- Is that...
- Me.

I used to wear blue pants.

When'd you make the leap
to interdimensional travel?

I didn't.
I did.

Well, well, well.

If it isn't us.

You know the worst part
about inventing teleportation?

Suddenly, you're able to travel
the whole galaxy,

and the first thing
you learn is,

you're the last guy
to invent teleportation.

Fortunately, you're about to invent
something much more powerful.

What?

Summer, nobody has to know
about that.

We could put it right back
and pretend we never saw it,

like we did
with Dad's mannequin leg.

- Fine, stay here.
- I'll rescue Grandpa myself.

- And how are you gonna do that?
- I don't know yet.

I'll make it up as I go.

That's what Grandpa Rick does.

That's what heroes do.

Y-You want to see
what a hero Rick is?

I-I'll bring you somewhere,
Summer.

- Um...
- My goodness, children.

Relinquish
the illegal technology

to the nearest
- Federation representative.

And then
we'll all play Balderdash.

Oh, my goodness!
Oh, oh! My goo...

Oh, my God.

I have that exact same top.

What is this place?

And what's with
"Hunger Games" Summer?

- That's my sister.
- This used to be my home.

Imagine doing anything you want,

then hopping to a timeline
where you never did it.

Imagine going anywhere, anytime,

with nobody able to stop you.

Sounds lonely.

Lonely? Dude,
you have yourself...

Your infinite selves.

It's a nonstop party
where all the guests

are the only person we like.

You think it's cool
being the smartest man on Earth,

but once we give you
this technology,

you become the smartest thing
in every conceivable universe...

The Infinite Rick, a god.

Eh, pass.

- Excuse me?
- Bro, Ricks don't pass on this.

Who do you think you are?

A different kind of Rick,
I guess.

Well, we'll see how long
that lasts.

I heard
sci-fi noises.

Did you make a breakthrough?

Sort of.

I just took
a long look at myself,

and I don't think this
science thing is gonna pay off.

Well, why don't I get Beth
and we'll go out for ice cream?

That, Dianne,
is the last great idea

that will ever be had
in this garage.

Good roasted Cronenberg,
I assume.

Mom, you're looking...
feral.

I can't believe Rick did this.

These are the parts
of Rick's adventures

you don't get to see...
The parts he leaves behind.

All right,
it's been great, guys.

I really only wanted to stop by
here for a quick "I told ya so."

So, uh...
Looking for this?

What are you doing with that?!

It stinks of Rick.

No! Why?!
Why would you do that?!

W-W-What is the matter
with you people?!

You're a bunch of back-savages,
backwoods savage morons!

You can never leave.
She cannot remain.

She stinks of Rick.

Hold your fire!
Hold your fire!

I'm Morty C-137.

We detected a compromised
portal gun. Where is your Rick?

He's in prison.
Summer.

He got captured
by the Federation

and we were going to rescue him.

- Very troubling.
- We can't risk Citadel secrets

falling into
the Federation's hands.

We'll dispatch S.E.A.L.
Team Ricks immediately

to break into the prison
holding C-137.

- Boo-yah.
- And assassinate him.

Boo-nah?

Come on, girls!
The ice cream's gonna melt.

Nooooooo!

Wow.
This sauce is fucking amazing.

You said it was promoting
a movie?

Carry the three, add a two.

I got it.
I fucking got it.

- Whoa.
- I-Is that it, the portal gun?

Yeah.
That's the three lines of math

that separates my life as a man
from my life as an unfeeling ghost.

Awesome-possum.

Mission Control,
you getting this?

Holy shit, yes!
Yes, we got it! Yeah!

Thanks, Rick. I'll try to remember
to shut off the brainalyzer.

Actually, I think
- it shuts off automatically

once your brain is liquid.

Don't know, don't care.

Pull me out.

Hey, pull me out.
Can you hear me?

- Nope, they cannot.
- Why not?

Because the code you just uploaded
wasn't actually my portal-gun formula,

it was a virus giving me full
control over the brainalyzer.

What are you talking about?
This is a memory.

Y-You can't alter details
of a memory.

True, but you can alter
anything you want

about a totally fabricated
origin story.

It's a trap! Abort!
I'm still in his Shoney's!

Repeat... we never left
his Shoney's!

Mission accomplished, boys.
Pull me out.

Roger that.

Okay, have fun in what's left
of my brain.

I'm gonna transfer to yours.

Oh, there's not enough room
for all my genius,

so I'm leaving you with
my fear of wicker furniture,

my desire to play the trumpet,

my tentative plans
to purchase a hat,

and six years
of improv workshops.

Comedy comes in threes.

It's a trap! Abort!
We never left his...

No!

Another day, another dollar.

Am I great insect creature
or what?!

Congratulations, Agent.

You'll be highly commended
for this.

Always wait for permission
to feel accomplishment.

That's my motto. One thing
still perplexes me...

Why would Rick Sanchez
turn himself in?

Well, I'm just a dumb-ass bug,
but it's possible Rick knew

he'd be interrogated
at this facility,

where we not only keep
our most wanted,

but our most sensitive data.

Anyone here with level-nine
access could

I don't know,
collapse a government.

I'm just gonna go take a dump.

Is it cool if I use
the level-nine bathroom?

W-W-What's the level-nine
master access code again?

Oh, that's easy...
8-3...

Yeah!

S.E.A.L. Team Ricks
in the house!

Hi, Rick.

Bye, Rick.

D-99, y-you okay?

I'm bummed I didn't get to give
that insect dick a test-drive.

Wait, wait, wait, wait!
T-The Council of Ricks sent us.

We have your Morty and Summer.

They're prisoners
on the Citadel.

Great!

Security breach in room 6755.

Lovely. Not only
is my plan screwed up,

I also forgot how to improvise.

All security people approach.

Security breach.

A city of Grandpas?

It's the Citadel of Ricks.

All the different Ricks
from all the different realities

got together to hide here
from the government.

But if every Rick
hates the government,

why would they hate Grandpa?

Because Ricks hate themselves
the most.

And our Rick
is the most... himself.

Not anymore, homey.

S.E.A.L. Team Ricks
turned his unibrow

into two brows...
With a bullet.

Your Rick's dead!
Your Rick's dead!

Sir, Rick D-99 is returning
from the mission alone.

Apparently, S.E.A.L. Team Ricks
suffered heavy casualties.

Bring him in.

He says he'll only talk to
a Rick with higher clearance.

La-di-da.
Give me that.

D-99, this is the commander in
chief of the Citadel's militia.

Go...
Good enough.

He's a spy. Blow him up.
I'm gonna go take a shit.

Operating
an unregistered portal gun,

radicalizing a Summer,

conspiring with
a traitorous Rick.

How do you plead?

How is this a fair trial?

O-Our lawyer
is a Morty.

It's not fair, you have no
rights, and he's not a lawyer.

We just keep him here
because he's fun.

Look at him go.

Ha ha, yeah!

We'll be lenient
if you renounce your Rick.

What say you, Summer?

I say fuck you!

My grandpa was my hero.

You killed him
- because you were jealous of him.

That's pretty obvious
from the haircuts.

So do what you want to me,
but let my brother go.

He already renounced Rick.

Morty?

What?

N-No, I don't want to see
your Pog collection.

I don't renounce Rick,
and I never have.

I was just trying
to protect my sister.

I wanted you to have
a normal life.

That's something you can't have
when Rick shows up.

Everything real turns fake.
Everything right is wrong.

All you know is that you know
nothing and he knows everything.

And, well... well,
- he's not a villain, Summer,

but he shouldn't be your hero.

He's more like a demon
or a super fucked up god.

Let's not suck the ghost
of his dick too hard.

He was a terrorist,
and now he's dead.

Oh, yeah? If you think
my Rick's dead, he's alive.

And if you think you're safe,
he's coming for you!

- Hey, whoa, whoa!
- What are you doing in here?

This area's for teleporting
the entire Citadel

to somewhere else
- using only buttons and dials.

Yeah, well, it's a bad idea

to have it designed
that way then, isn't it?

What the fuck

We just teleported into
a galactic federal prison.

I'm gonna go take a shit.

Order in the court!

Whoa! What the hell?!
Oh, my God!

Wait, wait, wait, wait!
No, no, no!

Whoa!

Whoa!

The Citadel's been teleported
to Federation space.

It's doomed.
This has to be C-137, you guys.

What are we gonna do?!
You know he's coming for us.

All right, calm down!
We have his Summer as a hostage.

Obviously, I get her.

You guys play Rick, Laser,
Scissors for the Morty.

W-W-What the hell
is that?

Payback.

Grandpa Rick!

- Duh!
- You're alive!

Rick!
- Morty, take this. - You're gonna need it later.

Hold on, hold on.
Whoa!

That's enough, Rick.

What... What's this
supposed to accomplish?

We have infinite grandkids.

You're trying to use Disney bucks
at a Caesar's Palace here.

That's a bluff.
He's bluffing, sir. He loves me.

You're a rogue Rick...
Irrational, passionate.

You love your grandkids.
You came to rescue them.

I came to kill you, bro.

That's not even
my original Summer.

Oh, my God. He's not bluffing.
He's not bluffing!

R-Rick?
Why not shoot through her?

20 yards, nine-gauge
plasma pistol,

My first shot would liquify
her insides and injure you,

second shot adds recoil.

The risk to me is minimized
if I wait for you to shoot her,

which I'm encouraging you to do.

What the fuck Or let her go,

which I will reward
with a quicker death.

Because you love her!

Because it's incentive for you
to give me my cleanest shot,

which will be your
least painful death.

But if you want to die slower
than that, I'm super into it.

All you got to do to get
that started is kill the girl.

- I hate you!
- Not an issue, sweetie.

That's enough!
Drop the gun, Rick!

Morty, I know you're too stupid
to get this,

but you're really fucking
this up right now.

I'm not letting you let my sister die!
Drop the gun!

I wasn't gonna let her die,
you fucking moron!

- Ha!
- Aww.

The point is he thought
I was going to.

I totally did, by the way.

You're a fucking moron, Morty.

Morty, you fucking idiot!

You're a serious
fucking idiot, Morty!

You basically killed us all!

You're the worst! You're
as dumb as a bag of sand.

Who's stupid now, bitch?!

Morty, we just got him back!

That was amazing, Morty.

Oh, my God.
Wow.

Okay, let's wrap this...

Good job, Morty.
Let's go, kids.

What?!
What happened?

Oldest Rick trick in the book.

"Fake gun,
shoot me in standoff."

- Brilliant.
- Ha, yeah.

G-Good thing
I saw that note.

Can't we just portal home?

Not until I finish
what I started.

And that is how you get
level-nine access

without a password.

Freeze!

Employee of the month,
ladies and gentlemen.

So, what are you doing
with level-nine access anyways?

Destroying the galactic government.
Awesome! Whoa, cool!

Are you going to set all their
nukes to target each other?

Ooh, or... or reprogram
their military portals

to disintegrate
- their entire space fleet?

Good pitches, kids.
I'm almost proud.

But watch closely as Grandpa
topples an empire

by changing a one...
to a zero.

Mr. President, the Blemflarck's
value just dropped to nothing.

What do you mean? I mean, our single
centralized galactic currency

just went from being worth one
of itself to zero of itself.

Calm down, people.

Deploy the galactic militia
and declare martial law.

Yes, sir.

Uh, what should I pay them with?

Their payment is the honor
they'll feel to serve their...

Wait. Who's paying me
to yell at this guy?

I can answer that...
For money.

I never thought I'd live
to see this day.

Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen!

There's a solution here
you're not seeing.

Give me your jacket!
Give me those pants!

There's
no rich people or poor people!

I want more jackets!

He who controls the pants
controls the galaxy!

No longer will the insects
have domain over surface world!

Jerry, what the hell
is happening?!

The galactic government
collapsed.

Are you okay?

Look, I-I'm not proud to share
this, but the truth is,

I just kept crawling,
and it kept working.

- Oh, I'm glad you're okay.

Are we ever going to stop paying
for indulging your father?

Our children, our planet,
our jobs?

Is there anything left to lose?

Just each other,
- and I'll never let you go.

And I'm so sorry
I ever did this to us.

Guess who dismantled
the government?

Please don't leave me again.
I never will, baby.

I was right.
He turned himself in on purpose.

It was all part of his plan!

Jerry, is there any
light beer left?

It's insane what you miss
in prison.

Um... okay.
No.

No, no, no.
Foot down time.

No, you're right.
Where's the vodka?

Beth, it's him or me!

Seems like you guys
need some privacy.

I'll, uh...
I'll be in the garage.

What the fuck Not cool, Jerry!

A man's garage is his castle.

Jerry's going to...

spend some time...

divorced.

Oh, I-I'm sorry
to hear that, sweetie.

I hope I had nothing
to do with that.

Oh, God, Dad, that is not
your burden to bear.

I feel terrible
that I misjudged you.

This is gonna be good for Jerry.

For everybody.
For everybody.

I better tend to Jerry

before he changes his mind
and doesn't move out.

I will leave you two
to your adventures.

Oh, my God. Nancy says

they're drawing and quartering
aliens in the school courtyard,

and it technically counts
as patriotism.

Geez! Are my parents seriously
gonna get divorced?

All right, Rick,
I'm gonna go to my...

Not so fast, Morty.
You heard your mom.

We've got adventures to go on,
Morty... just you and me...

And sometimes your sister
and sometimes your mom,

but never your dad.

You want to know why, Morty?
Because he crossed me.

Okay, take it easy, Rick.
T-T-That's dark.

Oh, it gets darker, Morty.

Welcome to the darkest year
of our adventures.

First thing that's different... no more Dad, Morty.
- Oh, geez.

He threatened to turn me in
to the government,

so I made him
- and the government go away.

Oh fuck

I've replaced them both
as the de facto patriarch

of your family
and your universe.

Your mom wouldn't have accepted me if I came home...
- Oh, man.

Without you and your sister,

so now you know the real reason I rescued you.
- Oh!

I just took over the family,
Morty, and if you tell your mom...

Oh, man. - ...or sister I said
any of this, I'll deny it,

You're gonna deny it... and they'll
take my side because I'm a hero, Morty.

- And now you're gonna have to go...
- Oh.

And do whatever I say,
Morty, forever!

And I'll... I'll go out
and I'll find some more of that

"Mulan" Szechuan teriyaki
dipping sauce, Morty.

What are you talking about? Because that's
that's what this is all about, Morty.

Szechuan?
That's my one-armed man!

I'm not driven by avenging
my dead family, Morty!

That was fake.

I-I-I'm driven by finding
that McNugget sauce.

McNuggets?
- I want that "Mulan" McNugget sauce, Morty!

That's my series arc, Morty.
What the hell?

If it takes nine seasons,

I want my McNugget dipping sauce, Szechuan
sauce, Morty. What are you talking about, Rick?

That's what's gonna take us all the way to
the end, Morty. What are you talking about?!

Season... Nine more
seasons, Morty.

Nine more seasons until I get
that dipping Szechuan sauce.

What is that?!
For 97 more years, Morty!

What are you talking about?!

I want that McNugget sauce,
Morty!

Is it ready?

- Yes.
- We can bring it online now.

Do it.

I am Phoenix Person.

- Phoenix Person?
- Is that what we settled on?

I thought we all agreed
on Cyber Bird.

You said you didn't care
what he was called

as long as we brought him back.

Yeah, but Phoenix Person?

Fine fuck it.
Who cares?

Ka-kaw!