Rick and Morty (2013–…): Season 3, Episode 3 - Pickle Rick - full transcript
Rick turns himself into a pickle while Beth, Summer, and Morty go to family therapy.
Morty?!
- Morty!
- Rick?
- Hey, Morty?!
- Rick?
Are you far away,
or are you inside something?
Is this a camera?
Is everything a camera?
Morty, the garage, Morty.
Come to the garage!
Morty?
Rick? W-where are you?
On my work bench, Morty.
Are you invisible and you're
gonna, like, fart on me?
Flip the pickle over.
What, I'm gonna touch it,
and you're gonna tell me it's
an alien dick or something.
Come on,
flip the pickle, Morty.
You're not gonna regret it.
The payoff is huge.
I turned myself
into a pickle, Morty!
Boom! Big reveal...
I'm a pickle.
What do you think about that?
I turned myself
into a pickle!
W-what are you just
staring at me for, bro.
I turned myself
into a pickle, Morty!
And? And?
What more do you want
tacked on to this?
I turned myself into a pickle,
and 9/11 was an inside job.
Was it? Who cares, Morty?
Global acts of terrorism
happen every day.
Uh, here's something
that's never happened before...
I'm a pickle.
I'm Pickle Rick!
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
*RICK and MORTY*
Season 03 Episode 03
Title: "Pickle Rick"
Are you going to,
I mean, you know,
is this the first part
of some magic trick?
I don't do magic,
Morty, I do science.
One takes brains, the other
takes dark eye liner.
Well, can you move?
Can you fly?
I wouldn't be much
of a pickle if I could.
All right, well, do pickles
live forever or...
Morty, stop digging for hidden
layers and just be impressed.
I'm a pickle.
I-I'm just trying
to figure out
why you would do this...
Why anyone would do this.
The reason anyone would
do this is, if they could,
which they can't,
would be because they could,
which they can't.
Morty, we have to get going,
or we're gonna be late.
- Where's your grandpa?
- Right here, sweetie.
I'm a pickle! What?!
Why would you... ugh!
Look, we're running late.
We have to go.
Where are you guys going?
We have an appointment
downtown
that was set a week ago
and agreed upon by everyone,
including you.
Oh, my God. Beth, oh,
it totally slipped my mind.
Geez, oh, man.
I'm a pickle.
I mean, I don't know
if I can... ooh, geez.
Rick, did you do this on purpose
to get out of family counseling?
- Morty!
- It's okay, Beth.
I understand
Morty's suspicion.
I've misled him before.
Morty, turn me so we're
making eye contact.
Morty, I assure you,
I would never find a way
to get out of family therapy.
I hope my lack
of fingers doesn't prevent
the perception
of my air quotes.
Can't you just turn yourself
back into a human?
Great question, Summer.
The unfortunate answer is
I did this
to challenge myself.
And it could take
hours or even days
before I'm able to figure out
how to return to human form.
But, I mean, you know,
your mom could put me
in a purse or a pocket,
you know,
if she really needs me to go.
Nobody needs anything.
Okay, it's fine.
I mean, you should just
stay here and figure out
how to stop being
a pickle, okay?
Hey, Rick, why is there
a syringe of mysterious fluid
hanging directly over you?
Also, why is the string
attached to it running through
a pair of scissors
attached to a timer?
And why is the time set
to 10 minutes from now,
exactly when we would
have left for therapy?
Well, Morty, if you know
must know,
the syringe is completely
unrelated to this discussion,
and, therefore, it does not
warrant further explanation.
Enough. Kids, it's time to go.
We don't want to be late.
W-W-What are you
doing there, Beth?
W-W-What are you doing there,
sweetie?
Well, I mean, you don't
want to get pierced by a needle
full of liquid unrelated
to your situation.
How's that gonna help?
Can't argue with that.
Great. We'll see you later.
Hey, hey,
be careful with that.
It's for something else.
It's really important,
so don't break it.
Okay, I may have
up here.
Dup, ap, ap, pap, ut,
dah, pap, pap, pap, pah.
T-t-tah, tah.
Oh, great.
Stupid cat.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
I know what it looks like
to you, Izzy,
but I'm not a snake!
I've seen the YouTube videos,
I know cats are scared
of cucumbers and pickles because
they think they're snakes.
I'm not a snake!
I'm a pickle, I'm a pickle!
Whoa!
Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Oh, crap, that sun is bright.
Okay, come on.
This can't really be
the way I go out.
This is the mega-genius
equivalent
of dying on the toilet.
So hot.
This is how I'm gonna die.
Oh, God, moisture.
Oh, God, the moisture...
Dial it back, God.
Dial it back a little bit here!
Oh! Oh.
Oh, God!
Perpendicular, perpendicular!
Oh, shit!
Oh! Oh!
Oh! Ahoh!
Come on. That's it.
Come get this delicious brine.
Aah!
- Come on!
- Come on, mother-!
Come on!
Yes!
How is this even
family therapy
if Dad's not invited
and Grandpa won't come?
Yeah, and what's courageous
about eating a hot dog?
It's nobody's choice
to be here, you knobs.
The family was told to get
counseling by your principal,
even though it's not
the family that was
huffing pottery glaze
in the art room
and desk wetting
in history class.
Oh, the Smith family,
minus a dad.
You're patients
of Dr. Wong, too?
Temporarily...
By order of the school.
Me too. How long have
you all been eating poop?
We... have never...
eaten poop.
Uh, me, neither.
Say, where did my family
get off to?
Smith family,
I'm Dr. Wong.
Come on in.
I was told there was a grandpa
that might be joining us?
He got wrapped up
in an experiment.
He's a scientist.
Like, legit,
like on a an inter-galactic,
sci-fi level.
His work is very...
He turned himself
into a pickle.
Morty, Mom's talking.
I'm sorry.
I suppose that's a good segue
into our little
discipline cases here.
Does Grandpa turn himself
into a pickle a lot?
What?! No!
What kind of question is that?
The kind that wasn't designed to
attack or hurt you in any way.
Oh, Jesus Christ,
one of these.
No, my father has never turned
himself into a pickle before.
He's unpredictable
and eccentric.
The whole family is.
Speaking of which...
Okay, let's open things up
to the whole family,
and let me ask this.
Why do we think Grandpa
turned himself into a pickle?
Wow. Ugh!
Hey, listen, I know this
is your world not mine.
The sooner I can get out,
the sooner I can go back
to taking big craps, and you can
go back to subsisting on them.
You are one driven rat.
Could you be
a little more driven?
To the right.
Yes, yes, yes!
Come on, come on, come on!
Fresh, fresh, fresh!
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
was this your friend?
Don't worry, he died doing what
he loved, being a dumb... rat.
♪
Oh, yeah!
Aaaah!
I didn't say
my father is perfect,
I said his work is important.
And she's saying
what's important is
that Grandpa lied to you
to get out of coming here.
Oh, he did not!
Let's do an experiment here.
I get the impression
this family values science.
So raise your hand
if you feel certain
you know what was
in the syringe.
Raise your hand if
you know for certain
the syringe does not
contain anti-pickle serum.
Beth, your hand did
a little thing there.
Do you really not see
what's happening here?
Tell me. Well, Dr. Wong...
By the way, racist name...
Obviously, Morty and Summer
are seizing on your
arbitrary pickle obsession
as an end run
around what was supposed
to be their therapy.
Oh, I think
this pickle incident
is a better path
than any other
to the heart of
your family's dysfunction.
I think it's possible
that you and your father
have a very specific dynamic.
I don't think it's one
that rewards emotion
or vulnerability.
I think it may punish them.
I think it's possible that
dynamic eroded your marriage,
and is infecting
your kids with a tendency
to misdirect their feelings.
you.
- Mom!
- Mom!
both of you, too.
By the way, you might
notice that in spite of
your numerous
distinctive features,
I never gave you a name
like Scar or Stripe or Goliath.
That's because, to me,
you aren't special.
You were special to rats.
Now they're dead.
I guess it was me
you should have impressed.
God damn it, I love myself.
Pickle Rick!
Get that parkour.
Get that parkour!
- Aah!
- Hey, it's cool.
Just need to find
the nearest exit.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
No need to freak out.
Whoa!
Who in the toilet
is this?
What is it?
A pickle? A rat? Both.
It says it's a scientist.
Where is it?
It seems to be
using the air ducts
and the mail tubes
to get around.
It's been gathering
office supplies, we think,
to build weaponry.
But look what it
did on the mezzanine.
It transferred a bottle from
the trash to the recycling bin.
Whatever this thing is,
it's shaming us.
We have 34 armed guards,
and we can't kill a pickle?
32 armed guards.
He killed two.
It's on the phone.
Put him on, and locate
the phone he's using.
Hello.
Hi, um, can you, uh,
please let me out.
Your mere presence
in this building
violates international law.
I couldn't let you out even
if you hadn't killed two men.
You should know
those men killed themselves.
And how is that?
They didn't
let me out.
Solen'ya.
Shut your mouth
and do your jobs,
you children!
Uh, is this not
a good time or...?
Some of my men
are calling you "Solen'ya"...
The Pickle Man,
an old wives tale.
He crawls from
bowls of cold soup
to steal the dreams
of wasteful children.
That'd be
a lucky break for you.
Go, shoot to kill.
Aaah!
We got him.
- Ah.
- Ah.
Because this pickle
doesn't care
about your children.
And I'm not gonna
take their dreams.
I'm gonna take their parents.
Solen'ya! He's coming!
It's because I threw
half-way my sandwich!
He's just a pickle!
He's a monster.
He's not the only one.
You can stay, dead to the world
and die in this room.
Or you can kill a pickle for me
and earn your freedom.
There is no freedom while
you're leader breathes.
Our country is a prison.
Then Catarina is a prisoner.
Perhaps I could arrange
her escape, as well.
She lives, Jaguar.
Where is this pickle?
What do you think is
in the syringe, Beth?
You're the one that costs
$200 an hour. You tell me.
- Anti-pickle serum.
- It's anti-pickle serum.
Your kids think it might be
anti-pickle serum.
My kids pee their desks
and suck on unbaked vases.
They're just angry at me
for divorcing their father.
I never said
I was angry at you.
That's the point of
pottery-enamel huffing, Summer.
You do it so you
don't have to say
"I'm angry at mommy"
out loud.
Oh, my God! Oh, there...
There's pictures of people
eating poop in there!
It's not my job to take
sides or pass judgment.
Do you think when your father
asks for that syringe,
you could ask him... He won't
have to ask for it, okay?
He won't need it.
He'll just make more.
He doesn't need
anything from anyone.
You admire him for that.
It's better than
making your problems
other people's problems.
Oh, come on!
Pickle Man, you should
know this isn't personal!
You should know
that isn't original.
They have my daughter.
There's nothing I won't do
to see her again.
Yeah, there's lots I wouldn't do
to see my daughter,
but killing you gets me
to her quicker
than your derivative
bullshit.
I never bullshit, Pickle Man.
This can only end
with one of us dead,
and I have never died.
That will be your
downfall, Jaguar,
not being open
to new experiences.
Is it done?
Jaguar?!
Jaguar couldn't make it.
Do it.
Okay, you win, Pickle Man.
I'm unsealing the building.
No, thanks.
I'm coming for you now.
Pickle Man, there's
$100 million worth of bonds
in a safe on level two.
I'll give you
the combination.
That money belongs
to the people.
Shut up and call me
a helicopter, you prick!
Do we have a deal?!
Take that money,
give it to Jaguar's daughter
when you set her free.
Or I'll be visiting you.
Jaguar's daughter is dead.
Huh, so you're a liar.
Jaguar was an animal.
You're an intelligent pickle.
We can do business.
I don't think so.
See you soon.
- Is the helicopter here?
- Yes.
And the police
are on the way.
What do we tell them?
Ooh! Aah!
Tell them we were robbed.
Hey!
Hey, what are you doing?!
I'm right here!
♪♪
Farewell, Solen'ya.
F-15s are scrambled.
This helicopter will be
shot down in seven minutes.
Well, my daughter
is about five away,
and I've got about
eight to live.
Pickle Man, it's too late
for me to tell my daughter
I love her, but not for you.
Oh, well, uh, she knows.
I mean, we don't really
buy into that kind of crap,
to the extent that love is
an expression
of familiarity over time,
my access to infinite timelines
precludes the necessity
of attachment.
In fact, I even abandoned
one of my infinite daughters
in an alternate
version of earth
that was taken over
by mutants.
Okay. Good luck with that.
Wait. Do I have
infinite daughters?
Huh? Uh, no.
No, nope, sorry about that.
Nope, just me.
Yeesh!
I...
am...
afraid...
that my kids
will get expelled.
Good. Summer, you go.
I am mad...
that I can't huff enamel
without people assuming
it's because my family sucks.
I hope to be seen one day
as someone that just
likes getting high.
Good job.
Morty, do you have
an "I" statement?
I am sad...
that I peed.
I-I-I'm sad that I peed in class
instead of a toilet.
Look at this family go.
You guys are pros.
What do you guys think about
doing this once a week?
Ugh.
- You must be Rick.
- Mm-hmm.
I've heard a lot
about you today.
Your family
is crazy about you.
Your daughter holds you
in very high regard.
You're a lucky fella.
Yeah, thank you.
Uh, sweetie, you don't still
happen to have that
syringe in your purse?
Dad...
I would like you to tell me
what's in the syringe.
It's a serum that I need to,
uh, to stay alive.
I have had a rough day.
And, uh, I've sustained
a lot of damage.
I'm pretty close to death,
which the serum will prevent.
By changing you from
a pickle to a human.
Yes.
Rick, why did you lie
to your daughter?
So I wouldn't
have to come here.
Why didn't you want
to come here?
Because I don't respect therapy,
because I'm a scientist.
Because I invent, transform,
create, and destroy
for a living, and when
I don't like something
about the world, I change it.
And I don't think going to
a rented office in a strip mall
to listen to some
agent of averageness
explain which words
mean which feelings
has ever helped
anyone do anything.
I think it's helped a lot
of people get comfortable
and stop panicking,
which is a state of mind
we value
in the animals we eat,
but not something
I want for myself.
I'm not a cow.
I'm a pickle...
When I feel like it.
So... you asked.
Rick, the only
connection between
your unquestionable
intelligence and the sickness
destroying your family
is that everyone in your family,
you included, use intelligence
to justify sickness.
You seem to alternate
between viewing your own mind
as an unstoppable force
and as an inescapable curse.
And I think
it's because the only
truly unapproachable
concept for you
is that it's your mind
within your control.
You chose to come here,
you chose to talk
to belittle my vocation, just as
you chose to become a pickle.
You are the master
of your universe,
and yet you are dripping
with rat blood and feces.
Your enormous mind literally
vegetating by your own hand.
I have no doubt that
you would be bored senseless
by therapy, the same way
I'm bored when I brush my teeth
and wipe my ass.
Because the thing
about repairing,
maintaining, and cleaning is
it's not an adventure.
There's no way to do it
so wrong you might die.
It's just work.
And the bottom line is,
some people are okay going
to work, and some people...
well, some people
would rather die.
Each of us gets to choose.
That's our time.
I'm going to
give you guys my card
and hope to hear
from you again.
And if you have any friends
or family that eat poop
and would like to stop,
give them my number.
I, um...
I'm sorry I lied
to get out of the thing.
I... I shouldn't lie to you.
Oh, it's fine.
I mean, thank you,
and, yeah, you shouldn't.
But I hope you know
that's not what
that session
was supposed to be.
Oh, no, I mean, I know
it was Morty peeing his pants
and Summer snorting glue
or whatever...
She huffed enamel, and we never
even talked about it.
Well, there was so much
more at stake.
I mean, that shrink,
what a monologuist.
Are we gonna go back?
Sweetie, could I get...
Get that syringe now?
Oh, my God, yes!
Dad, it's in my purse.
Oh, I'm sorry.
You must be in agony.
Eh.
Jesus.
Jesus Christ.
Therapists, man.
Weird breed.
Man, I missed having hands...
and blood and a stomach.
We should get a drink.
Really?
Like, go somewhere?
Yeah, let's drop the kids off
and go tie one on.
Absolutely.
I... I liked her.
So what are you thinking,
like, Smokey's Tavern?
Maybe Shoney's?
Yeah, either one. Either one.
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
You'll never get away
with this, Concerto.
That is where you're mistaken,
Mr. Sanchez.
This shall be my greatest
performance of all time!
♪♪ Plays "Moonlight Sonata"...
This is it, Morty.
We're goners.
We're not getting
out of this one.
After everything
we've been through,
this is how we're gonna die.
Make peace with your god.
Oh, geez, Rick,
I-I-I don't want to die!
And now for the E-splat!
Jaguar!
Who? Who was that, Rick?
That, Morty, is why
you don't go to therapy.
- Morty!
- Rick?
- Hey, Morty?!
- Rick?
Are you far away,
or are you inside something?
Is this a camera?
Is everything a camera?
Morty, the garage, Morty.
Come to the garage!
Morty?
Rick? W-where are you?
On my work bench, Morty.
Are you invisible and you're
gonna, like, fart on me?
Flip the pickle over.
What, I'm gonna touch it,
and you're gonna tell me it's
an alien dick or something.
Come on,
flip the pickle, Morty.
You're not gonna regret it.
The payoff is huge.
I turned myself
into a pickle, Morty!
Boom! Big reveal...
I'm a pickle.
What do you think about that?
I turned myself
into a pickle!
W-what are you just
staring at me for, bro.
I turned myself
into a pickle, Morty!
And? And?
What more do you want
tacked on to this?
I turned myself into a pickle,
and 9/11 was an inside job.
Was it? Who cares, Morty?
Global acts of terrorism
happen every day.
Uh, here's something
that's never happened before...
I'm a pickle.
I'm Pickle Rick!
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
*RICK and MORTY*
Season 03 Episode 03
Title: "Pickle Rick"
Are you going to,
I mean, you know,
is this the first part
of some magic trick?
I don't do magic,
Morty, I do science.
One takes brains, the other
takes dark eye liner.
Well, can you move?
Can you fly?
I wouldn't be much
of a pickle if I could.
All right, well, do pickles
live forever or...
Morty, stop digging for hidden
layers and just be impressed.
I'm a pickle.
I-I'm just trying
to figure out
why you would do this...
Why anyone would do this.
The reason anyone would
do this is, if they could,
which they can't,
would be because they could,
which they can't.
Morty, we have to get going,
or we're gonna be late.
- Where's your grandpa?
- Right here, sweetie.
I'm a pickle! What?!
Why would you... ugh!
Look, we're running late.
We have to go.
Where are you guys going?
We have an appointment
downtown
that was set a week ago
and agreed upon by everyone,
including you.
Oh, my God. Beth, oh,
it totally slipped my mind.
Geez, oh, man.
I'm a pickle.
I mean, I don't know
if I can... ooh, geez.
Rick, did you do this on purpose
to get out of family counseling?
- Morty!
- It's okay, Beth.
I understand
Morty's suspicion.
I've misled him before.
Morty, turn me so we're
making eye contact.
Morty, I assure you,
I would never find a way
to get out of family therapy.
I hope my lack
of fingers doesn't prevent
the perception
of my air quotes.
Can't you just turn yourself
back into a human?
Great question, Summer.
The unfortunate answer is
I did this
to challenge myself.
And it could take
hours or even days
before I'm able to figure out
how to return to human form.
But, I mean, you know,
your mom could put me
in a purse or a pocket,
you know,
if she really needs me to go.
Nobody needs anything.
Okay, it's fine.
I mean, you should just
stay here and figure out
how to stop being
a pickle, okay?
Hey, Rick, why is there
a syringe of mysterious fluid
hanging directly over you?
Also, why is the string
attached to it running through
a pair of scissors
attached to a timer?
And why is the time set
to 10 minutes from now,
exactly when we would
have left for therapy?
Well, Morty, if you know
must know,
the syringe is completely
unrelated to this discussion,
and, therefore, it does not
warrant further explanation.
Enough. Kids, it's time to go.
We don't want to be late.
W-W-What are you
doing there, Beth?
W-W-What are you doing there,
sweetie?
Well, I mean, you don't
want to get pierced by a needle
full of liquid unrelated
to your situation.
How's that gonna help?
Can't argue with that.
Great. We'll see you later.
Hey, hey,
be careful with that.
It's for something else.
It's really important,
so don't break it.
Okay, I may have
up here.
Dup, ap, ap, pap, ut,
dah, pap, pap, pap, pah.
T-t-tah, tah.
Oh, great.
Stupid cat.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
I know what it looks like
to you, Izzy,
but I'm not a snake!
I've seen the YouTube videos,
I know cats are scared
of cucumbers and pickles because
they think they're snakes.
I'm not a snake!
I'm a pickle, I'm a pickle!
Whoa!
Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Oh, crap, that sun is bright.
Okay, come on.
This can't really be
the way I go out.
This is the mega-genius
equivalent
of dying on the toilet.
So hot.
This is how I'm gonna die.
Oh, God, moisture.
Oh, God, the moisture...
Dial it back, God.
Dial it back a little bit here!
Oh! Oh.
Oh, God!
Perpendicular, perpendicular!
Oh, shit!
Oh! Oh!
Oh! Ahoh!
Come on. That's it.
Come get this delicious brine.
Aah!
- Come on!
- Come on, mother-!
Come on!
Yes!
How is this even
family therapy
if Dad's not invited
and Grandpa won't come?
Yeah, and what's courageous
about eating a hot dog?
It's nobody's choice
to be here, you knobs.
The family was told to get
counseling by your principal,
even though it's not
the family that was
huffing pottery glaze
in the art room
and desk wetting
in history class.
Oh, the Smith family,
minus a dad.
You're patients
of Dr. Wong, too?
Temporarily...
By order of the school.
Me too. How long have
you all been eating poop?
We... have never...
eaten poop.
Uh, me, neither.
Say, where did my family
get off to?
Smith family,
I'm Dr. Wong.
Come on in.
I was told there was a grandpa
that might be joining us?
He got wrapped up
in an experiment.
He's a scientist.
Like, legit,
like on a an inter-galactic,
sci-fi level.
His work is very...
He turned himself
into a pickle.
Morty, Mom's talking.
I'm sorry.
I suppose that's a good segue
into our little
discipline cases here.
Does Grandpa turn himself
into a pickle a lot?
What?! No!
What kind of question is that?
The kind that wasn't designed to
attack or hurt you in any way.
Oh, Jesus Christ,
one of these.
No, my father has never turned
himself into a pickle before.
He's unpredictable
and eccentric.
The whole family is.
Speaking of which...
Okay, let's open things up
to the whole family,
and let me ask this.
Why do we think Grandpa
turned himself into a pickle?
Wow. Ugh!
Hey, listen, I know this
is your world not mine.
The sooner I can get out,
the sooner I can go back
to taking big craps, and you can
go back to subsisting on them.
You are one driven rat.
Could you be
a little more driven?
To the right.
Yes, yes, yes!
Come on, come on, come on!
Fresh, fresh, fresh!
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
was this your friend?
Don't worry, he died doing what
he loved, being a dumb... rat.
♪
Oh, yeah!
Aaaah!
I didn't say
my father is perfect,
I said his work is important.
And she's saying
what's important is
that Grandpa lied to you
to get out of coming here.
Oh, he did not!
Let's do an experiment here.
I get the impression
this family values science.
So raise your hand
if you feel certain
you know what was
in the syringe.
Raise your hand if
you know for certain
the syringe does not
contain anti-pickle serum.
Beth, your hand did
a little thing there.
Do you really not see
what's happening here?
Tell me. Well, Dr. Wong...
By the way, racist name...
Obviously, Morty and Summer
are seizing on your
arbitrary pickle obsession
as an end run
around what was supposed
to be their therapy.
Oh, I think
this pickle incident
is a better path
than any other
to the heart of
your family's dysfunction.
I think it's possible
that you and your father
have a very specific dynamic.
I don't think it's one
that rewards emotion
or vulnerability.
I think it may punish them.
I think it's possible that
dynamic eroded your marriage,
and is infecting
your kids with a tendency
to misdirect their feelings.
you.
- Mom!
- Mom!
both of you, too.
By the way, you might
notice that in spite of
your numerous
distinctive features,
I never gave you a name
like Scar or Stripe or Goliath.
That's because, to me,
you aren't special.
You were special to rats.
Now they're dead.
I guess it was me
you should have impressed.
God damn it, I love myself.
Pickle Rick!
Get that parkour.
Get that parkour!
- Aah!
- Hey, it's cool.
Just need to find
the nearest exit.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
No need to freak out.
Whoa!
Who in the toilet
is this?
What is it?
A pickle? A rat? Both.
It says it's a scientist.
Where is it?
It seems to be
using the air ducts
and the mail tubes
to get around.
It's been gathering
office supplies, we think,
to build weaponry.
But look what it
did on the mezzanine.
It transferred a bottle from
the trash to the recycling bin.
Whatever this thing is,
it's shaming us.
We have 34 armed guards,
and we can't kill a pickle?
32 armed guards.
He killed two.
It's on the phone.
Put him on, and locate
the phone he's using.
Hello.
Hi, um, can you, uh,
please let me out.
Your mere presence
in this building
violates international law.
I couldn't let you out even
if you hadn't killed two men.
You should know
those men killed themselves.
And how is that?
They didn't
let me out.
Solen'ya.
Shut your mouth
and do your jobs,
you children!
Uh, is this not
a good time or...?
Some of my men
are calling you "Solen'ya"...
The Pickle Man,
an old wives tale.
He crawls from
bowls of cold soup
to steal the dreams
of wasteful children.
That'd be
a lucky break for you.
Go, shoot to kill.
Aaah!
We got him.
- Ah.
- Ah.
Because this pickle
doesn't care
about your children.
And I'm not gonna
take their dreams.
I'm gonna take their parents.
Solen'ya! He's coming!
It's because I threw
half-way my sandwich!
He's just a pickle!
He's a monster.
He's not the only one.
You can stay, dead to the world
and die in this room.
Or you can kill a pickle for me
and earn your freedom.
There is no freedom while
you're leader breathes.
Our country is a prison.
Then Catarina is a prisoner.
Perhaps I could arrange
her escape, as well.
She lives, Jaguar.
Where is this pickle?
What do you think is
in the syringe, Beth?
You're the one that costs
$200 an hour. You tell me.
- Anti-pickle serum.
- It's anti-pickle serum.
Your kids think it might be
anti-pickle serum.
My kids pee their desks
and suck on unbaked vases.
They're just angry at me
for divorcing their father.
I never said
I was angry at you.
That's the point of
pottery-enamel huffing, Summer.
You do it so you
don't have to say
"I'm angry at mommy"
out loud.
Oh, my God! Oh, there...
There's pictures of people
eating poop in there!
It's not my job to take
sides or pass judgment.
Do you think when your father
asks for that syringe,
you could ask him... He won't
have to ask for it, okay?
He won't need it.
He'll just make more.
He doesn't need
anything from anyone.
You admire him for that.
It's better than
making your problems
other people's problems.
Oh, come on!
Pickle Man, you should
know this isn't personal!
You should know
that isn't original.
They have my daughter.
There's nothing I won't do
to see her again.
Yeah, there's lots I wouldn't do
to see my daughter,
but killing you gets me
to her quicker
than your derivative
bullshit.
I never bullshit, Pickle Man.
This can only end
with one of us dead,
and I have never died.
That will be your
downfall, Jaguar,
not being open
to new experiences.
Is it done?
Jaguar?!
Jaguar couldn't make it.
Do it.
Okay, you win, Pickle Man.
I'm unsealing the building.
No, thanks.
I'm coming for you now.
Pickle Man, there's
$100 million worth of bonds
in a safe on level two.
I'll give you
the combination.
That money belongs
to the people.
Shut up and call me
a helicopter, you prick!
Do we have a deal?!
Take that money,
give it to Jaguar's daughter
when you set her free.
Or I'll be visiting you.
Jaguar's daughter is dead.
Huh, so you're a liar.
Jaguar was an animal.
You're an intelligent pickle.
We can do business.
I don't think so.
See you soon.
- Is the helicopter here?
- Yes.
And the police
are on the way.
What do we tell them?
Ooh! Aah!
Tell them we were robbed.
Hey!
Hey, what are you doing?!
I'm right here!
♪♪
Farewell, Solen'ya.
F-15s are scrambled.
This helicopter will be
shot down in seven minutes.
Well, my daughter
is about five away,
and I've got about
eight to live.
Pickle Man, it's too late
for me to tell my daughter
I love her, but not for you.
Oh, well, uh, she knows.
I mean, we don't really
buy into that kind of crap,
to the extent that love is
an expression
of familiarity over time,
my access to infinite timelines
precludes the necessity
of attachment.
In fact, I even abandoned
one of my infinite daughters
in an alternate
version of earth
that was taken over
by mutants.
Okay. Good luck with that.
Wait. Do I have
infinite daughters?
Huh? Uh, no.
No, nope, sorry about that.
Nope, just me.
Yeesh!
I...
am...
afraid...
that my kids
will get expelled.
Good. Summer, you go.
I am mad...
that I can't huff enamel
without people assuming
it's because my family sucks.
I hope to be seen one day
as someone that just
likes getting high.
Good job.
Morty, do you have
an "I" statement?
I am sad...
that I peed.
I-I-I'm sad that I peed in class
instead of a toilet.
Look at this family go.
You guys are pros.
What do you guys think about
doing this once a week?
Ugh.
- You must be Rick.
- Mm-hmm.
I've heard a lot
about you today.
Your family
is crazy about you.
Your daughter holds you
in very high regard.
You're a lucky fella.
Yeah, thank you.
Uh, sweetie, you don't still
happen to have that
syringe in your purse?
Dad...
I would like you to tell me
what's in the syringe.
It's a serum that I need to,
uh, to stay alive.
I have had a rough day.
And, uh, I've sustained
a lot of damage.
I'm pretty close to death,
which the serum will prevent.
By changing you from
a pickle to a human.
Yes.
Rick, why did you lie
to your daughter?
So I wouldn't
have to come here.
Why didn't you want
to come here?
Because I don't respect therapy,
because I'm a scientist.
Because I invent, transform,
create, and destroy
for a living, and when
I don't like something
about the world, I change it.
And I don't think going to
a rented office in a strip mall
to listen to some
agent of averageness
explain which words
mean which feelings
has ever helped
anyone do anything.
I think it's helped a lot
of people get comfortable
and stop panicking,
which is a state of mind
we value
in the animals we eat,
but not something
I want for myself.
I'm not a cow.
I'm a pickle...
When I feel like it.
So... you asked.
Rick, the only
connection between
your unquestionable
intelligence and the sickness
destroying your family
is that everyone in your family,
you included, use intelligence
to justify sickness.
You seem to alternate
between viewing your own mind
as an unstoppable force
and as an inescapable curse.
And I think
it's because the only
truly unapproachable
concept for you
is that it's your mind
within your control.
You chose to come here,
you chose to talk
to belittle my vocation, just as
you chose to become a pickle.
You are the master
of your universe,
and yet you are dripping
with rat blood and feces.
Your enormous mind literally
vegetating by your own hand.
I have no doubt that
you would be bored senseless
by therapy, the same way
I'm bored when I brush my teeth
and wipe my ass.
Because the thing
about repairing,
maintaining, and cleaning is
it's not an adventure.
There's no way to do it
so wrong you might die.
It's just work.
And the bottom line is,
some people are okay going
to work, and some people...
well, some people
would rather die.
Each of us gets to choose.
That's our time.
I'm going to
give you guys my card
and hope to hear
from you again.
And if you have any friends
or family that eat poop
and would like to stop,
give them my number.
I, um...
I'm sorry I lied
to get out of the thing.
I... I shouldn't lie to you.
Oh, it's fine.
I mean, thank you,
and, yeah, you shouldn't.
But I hope you know
that's not what
that session
was supposed to be.
Oh, no, I mean, I know
it was Morty peeing his pants
and Summer snorting glue
or whatever...
She huffed enamel, and we never
even talked about it.
Well, there was so much
more at stake.
I mean, that shrink,
what a monologuist.
Are we gonna go back?
Sweetie, could I get...
Get that syringe now?
Oh, my God, yes!
Dad, it's in my purse.
Oh, I'm sorry.
You must be in agony.
Eh.
Jesus.
Jesus Christ.
Therapists, man.
Weird breed.
Man, I missed having hands...
and blood and a stomach.
We should get a drink.
Really?
Like, go somewhere?
Yeah, let's drop the kids off
and go tie one on.
Absolutely.
I... I liked her.
So what are you thinking,
like, Smokey's Tavern?
Maybe Shoney's?
Yeah, either one. Either one.
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
You'll never get away
with this, Concerto.
That is where you're mistaken,
Mr. Sanchez.
This shall be my greatest
performance of all time!
♪♪ Plays "Moonlight Sonata"...
This is it, Morty.
We're goners.
We're not getting
out of this one.
After everything
we've been through,
this is how we're gonna die.
Make peace with your god.
Oh, geez, Rick,
I-I-I don't want to die!
And now for the E-splat!
Jaguar!
Who? Who was that, Rick?
That, Morty, is why
you don't go to therapy.