Rick and Morty (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 8 - Rixty Minutes - full transcript

[ dramatic music plays]

Cynthia...

JERRY:
Oh, my god. No. No.

- I told you.
- Hold on.

Will you please...

not marry me?
I chose Veronica.

- What?!
- Yes!

- Hold it.
- Why would he chose Veronica?

Because he loves her?

Well, if it's any
consolation, Summer,

none of it mattered
and the entire show was stupid.



Okay, I've got an idea, Rick.

You show us your concept
of good TV,

and we'll crap all over that.

Thought you'd never ask.

Hey.

Oh, cool. ls that
crystallized xanthanite?

It conducts electrons
across dimensions.

20% accurate as usual, Morty.

The important thing being,

I just upgraded
our cable package

with programing from every
conceivable reality.

Wait. Does that mean
we get Showtime Extreme?

How about Showtime Extreme
in a world

where man evolved from corn?



We're not so different.
We're both corn of action.

Yeah, but one of us
is dead corn!

SUMMER:
Boring.

Summer [burps] you just
spent [burps] three months

watching a man
choose a fake wife.

So, what, it'd be better
if the people were corn?

RICK:
Jerry, you don't get it.

This is infinite TV
from infinite universes.

Look.
- This shit is delicious.

A movie about a guy eating shit.

A violent antique show.

[ laughs]
It's a pleasure to have you.

The pleasure's all mine.

Letterman from a timeline
where Jerry's famous.

- JERRY: Wait!
- BETH: What in the hell?

RICK:
I agree. Where is this going?

No, the other thing!
Go back.

RICK:
Really? All right, fine.

Glen, this court order says
you can't eat shit anymore.

[ dramatic music plays]
- All right, Jerry.

When you're right, you're right.

Now I'm hooked.

Coming up next on
"Shmloo's the Shmloss,"

Shmlony has a nightmare.

- Shmlantha! Shmlona!
- RICK: Amazing... a dimension

where all proper nouns
begin with "Shmla."

Shmla... Shmlangela?

Shmlonathan?

All right, that actually
got old pretty quick.

[ groans ] Rick!

Will you please go back
to me on "David Letterman"?

Infinity's a big number, Jerry.

I don't remember the channel.

SUMMER:
Ah! Go back! Go back!

- RICK: Geez.
- You speak the true-true.

Oh, my god.
Dad's in "Cloud Atlas"!

I'm in "Cloud Atlas"!
What's "Cloud Atlas"?

Sometimes,
small true-true

different than
the big true-true.

How is this possible?

Infinite timelines,
infinite possibilities,

including a timeline
where Jerry's a movie star.

Look, you guys are
getting excited

about the wrong aspect
of this device.

Wha... look at this.

And now, another quick mystery.

I just want to know who
could have done this.

It's a travesty.
- I did.

See this knife
and all the blood on it?

Here's my fingerprints.

Guilty. I sentence you
to life in prison.

Here's another quick mystery.

- My mother's dead.
- And I killed her.

Here's the weapon, and cuff me.

Thank you very much.

Guilty.
Sentenced to murder.

[ chokes, gags]

- Here's another.
- I'm the killer.

Oh, wow, that one was
really quick, wasn't it?

Now, who wants to watch
random, crazy TV shows

from different dimensions,
and... and then who wants

to narcissistically obsess
about their alternate selves?

I want to obsess about myself.

[ sighs ] Here, these scan
your retinas

and let you view
parallel timelines

through genetically matching
versions of your eyes.

Go fetch.

- This is so cool.
- Ladies first.

I'm proud of you, Morty.

Hey, man, I don't give
a crap about myself, Rick.

Let's watch some
crazy stuff, yo.

I'm Ants in My Eyes Johnson,

here at Ants in My Eyes
Johnson's electronics.

I mean, there's so many ants
in my eyes.

And there's so many TVs,
microwaves, radios, I think.

I can't... I'm not 100% sure
what we have here in stock

because I can't see anything.

Our prices, I hope,
aren't too low.

Check out this refrigerator,
only $200.

What about this microwave?
Only $100.

That's fair.

I'm Ants in My Eyes Johnson.
Everything's black.

I can't see a thing.

And also, I can't feel
anything, either.

Did I mention that?

But that's not as catchy as
having ants in your eyes,

so that always goes, you know,
off by the wayside.

I can't feel.
It's a very rare disease.

All my... all my nerves,

they don't allow
for the sensation of touch,

so I never know what's going on.

Am I standing, sitting?
I don't know.

Are we sure we wanna look
at our own alternate lives?

You're right. Maybe we should
just play Yahtzee.

Give me those.
[ beeping ]

BETH:
What do you see?

Whiteness...
pure whiteness.

[ snorting ]

You're my best friend,
Jerry Smith.

I love doing cocaine with you.

Whoa, I love doing cocaine
with you, too, Johnny Depp.

[ groans ] Haven't we spent
enough time on you?

[ beeping ]
I'm performing surgery...

but not on a horse...
on a human.

JERRY:
That's great, Beth.

You always wanted to be
a real surgeon.

I am a real surgeon.

Uh... Summer's turn.

Finally.
[ beeping ]

I don't see anything.

Well, you should select
a different timeline.

I mean, if your father and I
achieved our dreams,

there's a chance
you weren't even born.

That came out wrong.
That came out very wrong.

Fine. I'll find a world where
you bothered to have me.

[ beeping ]

We're playing Yahtzee.

Yahtzee's fun.
We love Yahtzee.

It's a fun game
for fun families.

Hey, could I get those goggles
back for a second?

It's a 45-horsepower
with antilock brakes,

and it's the official car
of "Mr. Sneezy 3D."

It's the brand-new Sneezy XL.

The horn, when you honk it,
makes a sneeze noise.

[ sneezes]

It's polite, it's right,

and it's Sneezy, Deezy
MC... Deluxe.

I'm Mr. Sneezy.
[ sneezes]

Huh, seems like TV
from other dimensions

has a somewhat looser
feel to it.

Yeah, it's got an almost
improvisational tone.

It's in theaters now.
Coming this Summer.

Two brothers in a van,

and then a meteor hits.

And they ran as fast
as they could

from giant cat monsters.

And then a giant tornado came.

And that's when things got
knocked into 12th gear.

A Mexican armada shows up,

with weapons made
from t-tomatoes.

And you better
bet your bottom dollar

that these two brothers
know how to handle business

in "Alien Invasion
Tomato Monster

Mexican Armada Brothers,

Who are Just Regular Brothers,

Running in a Van
from an Asteroid

and All Sort of
Things: The Movie."

Hold on. There's more.

Old women are coming,
and they're also in the movie.

And they're gonna come

and cross attack
these two brothers.

But let's get back
to the brothers,

because they're...
they have a strong bond.

You don't want to know
about it here,

but I'll tell you one thing.

The moon... it comes crashing
into Earth.

And what do you do then?

It's two brothers and...
and they're gonna...

It's called "Two Brothers."
"Two Brothers."

[ laughing ] It's just called
"Two Brothers."

Holy crap.
I am winning a Nobel prize.

Come on. Time's up.
[ beeping ]

I'm taming a lion.

No, wait.
There are film cameras.

I might be a lion tamer
in a movie.

You get the idea.
I work with lions.

[ beeping ]

Ohh, we're not playing Yahtzee!

We're playing
Chutes and Ladders.

Seems like when I exist,
life gets a little more...

I don't know... predictable?

When two people create
a life together,

they set aside their previous
lives as individuals.

Give me a break.

We're not heroes for having
unprotected sex on prom night.

Oh, I get it.

Now that you know
you could have had it better,

you resent me
for holding you back.

Well, now that we know you think
the tables are turning,

we know you thought
there were unturned tables.

What are you talking about?

All this time, you've been
thinking, "what if that loser,

Jerry, hadn't talked me out
of the abortion?"

- Um...
- Well, now you know.

You'd be a doctor.
Whoop-DE-do.

You'd also be drinking wine
alone

in a house full of exotic birds.

And I'd be on DiCaprio's yacht,
banging Kristen Stewart.

You thought about
getting an abortion?

Everyone thinks about it.

Obviously, I'm the version of me
that didn't do it,

so you're welcome.
- Yeah, you're welcome.

Yeah, thank you guys so much.

It's a real treat to be
raised by parents

that forced themselves
to be together

instead of being happy.

Hey, do we have any
wafer cookies?

Mmm!

Oh, boy.

Looks like you guys have been
checking out alternate lives

and realizing you don't
have it as good, huh?

That's too bad.

You know, me and Morty
are having a blast.

We just discovered a show
called "Ball Fondlers."

I mean, I don't want to rub it
in or anything,

but you guys clearly backed
the wrong conceptual horse.

[ metal music plays]

- I'm in heaven right now.
- The best day of my life.

So, now what do we do?

That show "Ball Fondlers"
sounded kind of interesting.

- Dad!
- What?!

They're having fun in there.
What do you guys want from me?

Every family on this block
has to wonder

if they're together by choice.

Our family just has
interdimensional goggles

to show us for a fact
that we're not.

- Well, I'm leaving.
- You can't leave. You're 17.

Yeah, and I'm not pregnant.

I'm gonna have better judgment
than you guys had at my age.

I'm gonna move
to the southwest and...

I don't know, do something
with turquoise.

It's "Saturday Night Live,"

starring a piece of toast,

two guys with handlebar
mustaches,

a man painted silver
who makes robot noises,

Gar Ma Nar Nar,

three, um, um, um...

I'll get back to that one,

a hole in the wall

where the men can see it all,

and, returning for his
25th consecutive year,

Bobby Moynihan!

Interesting fun fact...

Moynihan and a piece of toast
hate each other.

Apparently, they've got some
real creative differences.

Hey, are you tired of real doors

cluttering up your house,

where you open them and you
actually go somewhere,

and you go into another room?

Get on down
to Real Fake Doors. That's us.

Fill a whole room up with them.

See, watch.
Check this out.

[ grunts ] Won't open.

[ grunts ] Won't open.

[ grunts ] Not this one.

[ grunts ] Not this one.

None of them open.

so check it out for a lot of
really great deals

on fake do-o-o-o-rs!

Hey, wait a minute, Rick.

I thought this was a commercial.

What's going on?
- Relax, Morty.

Don't... don't worry about it.
Let's just see where this goes.

Step on it!
We all got places to be!

[ honks horn ] Son of a bitch.

Oh, that must be where he lives.

Okay.

RICK:
Huh. He's making himself a sandwich now.

Hey, everybody.
So, this is my house.

Just made a sandwich...
peanut butter and jelly.

Still here, still selling
fake doors.

MORTY:
What?

Oh, my god.
It's still the commercial.

We have fake doors
like you wouldn't believe.

What are you worried about?
Come get fake doors.

Call us up and order
some fake doors today.

Don't even hesitate,
don't even worry,

and don't even...

All right, I'm bored.
Change it.

Wait, wait, Rick.
Hold on, hold on.

That's our slogan.

See it on the bottom
of the screen below our name.

Here's another slogan
right below that one.

What are you worried about?
Come get fake doors.

Get in here quick, get out quicker

with an arm of fake doors in your arms.

Okay, okay, you can change it.

[ yawns]
I hate Mamumanums-days,

and I really could go
for some enchiladas.

MORTY:
Hey, Rick, that's pretty cool.

It's just like Garfield, only
instead it's Gazorpazorpfield.

Hey, isn't Gazorpazorp where
those sex robots came from?

Remember that whole thing?

Yeah. Hey, that's a pretty...
pretty...

That's true.
That's right.

Yeah. Let's watch some more
Gazorpazorpfield.

Hey, John.
It's me, Gazorpazorpfield.

Boy fuck you, John,

you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot.

Come on, Gazorpazorpfield.
Go easy on me, huh?

You dumb, stupid, weak,

pathetic, white, white,

uh... guilt...

white-guilt milquetoast

piece of human garbage.

Geez, Gazorpazorpfield,
that's...

you know, you're
pretty mean to me,

but that takes the cake.

I don't give a fuck.

I'm Gazorpazorp-fuckin'-field, bitch.

Now give me my
fucking enchiladas.

Hey, Rick, you know, did they
use Bill Murray for this?

Sounds a lot like Bill Murray.

No, Morty, it's Lorenzo Music.

In this reality,
he's still alive.

Oh, okay.
Was his name "Lorenzo Music"?

Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

He also did the voice of that
one guy from "Ghostbusters,"

which is really strange
because it's the same character

Bill Murray played in the movie.

But then, when they
made the movie,

Bill Murray did the voice
of Gazorpazorp...

- or Garfield, I mean.
- That's pretty cool, Rick.

So all that happened
in this reality, too?

I don't know.

Just making conversation
with you, Morty.

What, you think
I'm a... I'm...

I know everything about
everything?

Did you really talk me
out of the abortion?

Well, we... we blew a tire
on the way to the clinic.

I think, in my head, I was
doing it all for the kids.

And now the first kid is going
to do something with turquoise.

[ sighs ] Which is either
code for crystal meth

or a gateway to it.

So we didn't do
the kids any favors.

So we should stay together
for each other and ourselves,

or...

Or...

Man, woman, and now Trunkman?

We know science has created
men that have a trunk

that allows them
to have sex with both

male and female partners.

But we don't like the idea of
these people getting married.

Put a line in the sand,
everybody.

Vote "no" on proposition XW2.

The act that says trunkpeople
can get married.

Who needs it?

Not on my watch.

Paid for by Michael Denny
and The Denny Singers.

Hi. I'm a trunkperson,
and I want...

I feel love in my heart, too,
just like you.

I wanna be able
to express that love

with both a man and a woman.

And I won't be able to

if Denny and The Denny Singers
get their way.

Hey, let the trunkpeople have
sex and get married, huh?

Paid for by trunkpeople.

Oh, I love me
strawberry sniggles.

Ooh, I hope nobody ever gets
my hands on me

and tries to steal
my strawberry smiggles.

I'm gonna eat every last
one of them,

because... and then
they'll be in my stomach,

and nobody will ever be
able to eat them.

Except for me, because they'll
be all inside my stomach.

Um, my name is
Mr. Tophat Jones,

and God forbid anyone ever
take my sner...

little-people snibbles.

I'm keeping them all for me.

Mmm. Mmm.

Last bite.
Mmm.

Oh, now they're all resting
comfortably in my stomach.

Ooh, am I feeling good.

No! Get away from me!
Get away from me!

There's no more strawberry
snibbles... no!

[ chokes, sputters]

Jesus Christ!

Jesus Christ! It hurts!

My entrails are out!

Why would you even want
to eat these?

They're soaked
with my stomach acid.

Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior,

and spirit, save me.

Take me to the light.

Oh, my god. I see demons.

I see demons are coming!

Geez, Rick.
Oh, my god.

That's some pretty
hard-core stuff,

you know, for a cereal
commercial.

Well, Morty... I mean, you
wanna sell boxes of cereal,

you gotta pump the gas a little.

Pedal to the metal, Morty.

In a world where muscular
Mannies are coming,

and they're coming strong,

there's only three
unmuscular Michaels.

Get down. Hurry. Run.

[ screeching]

And that's when real
Turbulent Juice is coming,

and you got to take care of it.

With Turbulent Juice,
turbulent tables,

no room is safe
from the turbulent power

of Turbulent Juice.

- What in the hell?
- Sex sells, Morty.

Sex sells what?

Was that a movie or, like,
does it clean stuff?

- [ sighs ]
- Hey, Dad.

- God.
- What's going on?

Well, your mother and I
are gonna be spending

some time apart, Morty.

And your sister found out
she was an unwanted pregnancy.

- What?
- Speaking of [burps] what,

Morty, [burps]
what should we watch next?

What about this?

Babylegs, you're a good
detective.

But not good enough,
because of your baby legs.

So I'm partnering you up
with Regularlegs.

Hey, there.

Detective, I'm...
this is upsetting to me

because I feel like I don't
need no regular-leg partner.

Babylegs, don't talk back to me.

Good luck, you two.

There's a criminal to kill.
[ slurps]

Wow, you sure found
this guy quick.

Uh, yeah, because I'm a good
detective.

Look, Babylegs.
It's the criminal.

Oh, fuck it. I'm the killer.
I'm running.

I'm running real quick.

Babylegs, here we go!

[trilling ]

That's the sound I make
when I'm trying to run fast.

[trilling ]

All right, I'm not
gonna get him.

I just learned a real
valuable lesson.

I'm coming, Babylegs.

I'm... Regularlegs.

[ grunts ] We got him.

Hey, that was good teamwork.

Babylegs and Regularlegs,

I'm proud of you two
for working together.

And, Babylegs, I know
it was hard for you

to come to the conclusion
that you need a partner,

but I'm proud of you
that you did it.

Hey, thanks, Chief.

Now get the fuck out of here.

Pretty cool, huh, Morty?

Oh.
- I thought it was cool.

I don't give a fuck what
you think, Jerry.

[ click ]

Hey, uh, y-you doing okay?

I kind of know how you feel,
Summer.

No, you don't.
You're the little brother.

You're not the cause of your
parents misery.

You're just a symptom of it.

- Can I show you something?
- Morty, no offense...

but a drawing of me you made
when you were eight

isn't gonna make me feel like
less of an accident.

That out there?
That's my grave.

- Wait, what?
- On one of our adventures...

Rick and I basically
destroyed the whole world,

so we bailed on that reality,
and we came to this one.

Because in this one,
the world wasn't destroyed.

And in this one, we were dead.

So we came here and...
and we buried ourselves,

and we took their place.

And every morning, Summer,
I eat breakfast

20 yards away
from my own rotting corpse.

So you're not my brother?

I'm better than your brother.

I'm a version of your brother
you can trust

when he says "don't run."

Nobody exists on purpose.
Nobody belongs anywhere.

Everybody's gonna die.

Come watch TV.

Mrs. Sullivan always planned

to leave everything to her cats.

But sometimes, plans need
a helping paw.

[thunder rumbles]

What are the kitties to do

but buckle together
and work as a team?

Mrs. Sullivan, I... please,
forgive me for being forward,

but your eyes are so beautiful.

[ cats meow]

Wait. This is
an actual movie?

This fall, sparks will fly...

[ moaning, cats meowing]

Mrs. [moans] Sullivan.
Ohh.

Between one guy
who can't get a break...

There's something about you,
Mrs. Sullivan.

And nine cats who break
all the rules.

[ cats meow]

"Last Will and Testi-meow:

Weekend at Dead Cat Lady's
House II."

Well, somebody in Hollywood
just lost their job.

Written and directed by
Jerry Smith.

I wrote and directed that?
What am I, nuts?

Oh, hey, Morty.
You just missed a preview

for your Dad's
"Citizen Kane."

Doesn't matter.

Hey, if your mother
and I had to split custody,

who would you guys chose?

Doesn't matter.

Breaking news... Academy
Award-Winning actor Jerry Smith

is leading police
on a slow-speed pursuit

after suffering
an apparent breakdown.

Don't even think about it.

Come on.
Are you kidding me, Jerry?

It's just a bunch of dumb
tabloid crap.

It's my life,
and we're watching it.

You did it, Beth.
You really nailed it.

[burps] You're a surgeon...
a human surgeon.

Yay, you win.
[ slurps ]

Where the hell am I going?

Wh... What are you
asking me for, Jerry?

[burps] I'm sitting here [burps]
trying to figure out

why the cops don't just
take you out.

I mean [burps] they got
a clear shot to your head.

I can't believe our tax dollars
pay for this.

[ doorbell rings ]

Jerry?

Jerry Smith?

Beth Sanchez, I have been in
love with you since high school.

I hate acting.
I hate cocaine.

I hate Kristen Stewart.

I wish you hadn't gotten
that abortion,

and I've never stopped thinking
about what might have been.

♪ Give me a name ♪

♪ Hear my faith ♪

♪ Seal my fate ♪

♪ And when you breathe ♪

♪ You breathe for two ♪

Hey, "Ball Fondlers"?
Huh, "Ball Fondlers"?

Yeah, I could go
for some "Ball Fondlers."

Yeah, "Ball Fondlers."

[ metal music plays]

Aah!

Ha ha, Hamster in Butt World
Weather is done,

and now it's sports time
coming up.

- Oh, hello, there.
- Good day to you, miss.

BETH:
So, the hamsters live

inside the rectums of those
people?

Yes, sweetie.
That's where the live.

Well, how does that work?

I mean, do the butts look like
little apartments inside?

Yeah, and can they
leave the butt

and, like, walk around
on their own?

I don't know. I'm watching
the same thing you guys are.

Grandpa Rick,
if they leave the butt

and the person wanders off,

how would they find
their butt person again?

I don't know, Summer.
I can't even hear the TV.

All right, that's it.

We're just gonna go there
so you idiots

can ask your stupid
questions all day.

Ooh, family vacation!

[ camera shutter clicks ]

Did you get any of that?

It's a good-a show!