Rick and Morty (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 7 - Raising Gazorpazorp - full transcript

Look, I'm not paying 70 smidgens

for a broken
defraculator.

That is multiphase quantum
resonator.

- Well, does it defraculate?
- Fuck no.

Then -- then -- then
it's a broken defraculator.

Like you would even know dick
about fraculation!

Your planet
just got cellphones,

and the coverage
still sucks!

Yeah, yeah, and your species eat sulfur.

So, let's say 60 smidgens.

I tell you what --
I'll do you a favor.



I'll throw in a fart.

Hey, uh, Rick, um,
you think

maybe I could get
something from this place,

like a souvenir, like,
just to have --

like, something cool,
you know?

Not here, Morty.
We'll stop somewhere else.

Because, you know, there's
always another pawn shop.

Oh, okay. I just, um --

you know, I thought that
robot over there

looked pretty cool,
you know?

Oh, it looks cool, huh?
That's why you want it?

Yeah!
You know, I mean...

it's different
from the stuff on Earth,

and, you know, you take me
to all these crazy places



across the galaxy,

and, you know, I don't
really have anything to --

to remember all those
trips by.

It'd be kind of cool,
like a souvenir.

You know, like, what if
you passed away

or died
or something?

I wouldn't even have anything
to remember

all the cool stuff
we did, you know?

Okay. 60
for the resonator,

and my grandson
wants the sex robot.

So, we're just going
to pretend this isn't happening?

I'm not saying that's
a bad idea -- just asking.

Rick, why would you
let Morty

bring that
thing into our house?!

I don't know.
What do you want from me?

He thi-- he thou--
he thought it looked cool.

You know what I mean?

Whew!

Ahh. All right.

Back to -- back to --
b-back upstairs.

Well, I'm intervening.

Intervening with
puberty?

You'll turn him into
Ralph Fiennes in "Red Dragon."

He's at that age.
Let's just be proud of him.

Jesus. Did I really set
the bar that low?

Um, Rick, could you
come with me, please --

q-quickly?

Okay, now if we hear squeaking,
we intervene.

Where's the sex robot,
Morty?

That is Gwendolyn --
l-I mean, the robot!

She started beeping, transformed
and tried to fly away!

Strange -- that's
usually the man's job.

You know what I'm talking
about, Morty?

Wubba-lubba-dub-dub!

Morty!

That's my
catchphrase, remember?

Remember -- remember how I --
how I cemented that catchphrase?

All right.
All right, seriously, though,

let me
grab this thing.

Come on, you... rascal.

- Okay, unacceptable! Oh.
- What is going on?

All right. Uh-oh.

"Uh-oh"? What is that?!

Hmm. I think Morty's robot
was designed

for more than long
weekends.

Genetic compiler,
incubation chamber.

Yep. This here's some kind
of baby maker,

and that there's half Morty,
half --

who -- who knows wh-what?

It's my bad, guys.
I'll -- I'll take care of it.

- Grandpa Rick, no, no!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!

What do you think
you're doing?!

Hey, listen -- you guys
quarantined the house

when Summer brought olives
back from Mexico.

I mean, this thing could grow
to the size of Delaware.

I mean, it might eat brains
and exhale space AIDS.

We gotta be careful.

I lost the chance
to be careful, Rick.

I'm a father now!

You know, it's time for me
to be responsible.

Isn't that right...
- Don't name it.

- ...Morty Jr.?
- Oh, crap. He named it.

Well, Dad, it's a living thing,
and it's half human.

And it was born on American
soil, which entitles it to --

Jerry, majoring in
Civics was your mistake.

Don't punish us for it.

Fine.

I'm gonna take this thing
to my workshop and investigate.

Do not let that thing out
of your sight.

Lt looks harmless now,
but it could grow dangerous.

Like The Insane Clown Posse.

Yeah. Good one, Jerry.

2003 just called.
Lt wants its easy target back.

Ohh.
He's like a little me!

Y-You don't think he'll turn
into a monster... do you?

They always do.

Hey, uh, 1995 called!

They want their
"certain year called

wanting its 'blank' back"
formula back!

Why, Jerry?
Why expend the effort?

Life is effort,
and I'll stop when I die!

- Out.
- Whatcha doin'?

Well, I can't solve
the problem my way,

thanks to your family's
primitive biological hang-ups.

Gross. I might have just
touched one of Morty's loads.

But maybe I can find suitable
parents for Morty Jr.

on this robot's home world,
which is...

Gazorpazorp
in the Andromeda system.

Scoot, Summer.
- Don't you need a new companion

now that Morty's
in the family way?

I don't do adventures
with chicks, Summer.

Oh, right -- because there's
something about having a wiener

that would make me better
at walking through a hole?

- Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!
- Oh, crap.

Grandpa Rick! Ugh!

Help! Help! Aah! Aah!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

- Grandpa Rick!
- Still think it's a good idea

to go through holes
without a wiener?

- I want to go home.
- Yeah, no duh.

Ugh!

Great. Now I have to take
over a whole planet

because of your stupid
boobs.

- You're doing great, Morty.
- Really? You think?

I mean, I'm not doing
much of anything.

What do I do if it cries?

Then you put it down
and let it cry itself out.

Yeah, right. We tried
that technique on Summer,

and she's gonna end up
stripping, isn't she?

Yes, she is.

She's gonna strip
for attention

because she was denied it.

Stop filling it
with your own insecurity.

You're gonna turn it
into Morty --

uh, mm -- more --
more -- more -- more of you.

Well, we can't all be
raised like reptiles

by a mentally ill scientist.

What the -- aah! Aah!

Listen to me. I am not
rewarding this behavior.

Knock it off,
both of you!

G-Give me him!
Give me my baby!

You're both nuts!

I'm gonna raise Morty Jr.
myself!

♪ Where's your hands?
There's your hands ♪

♪ And that's how we play
handy hands ♪

Oh, you are going
to ruin that kid, Morty.

At least we can agree
on that.

Thanks, Dum-Dum.

I said, "Thanks, Dum-Dum."
Go get more.

Summer, put your burqa on!

That burqa is
a human-rights violation,

and I spent a lot
on this top.

Look, I'm trying to
repair a p-portal gun

with a bunch of sex-doll
parts,

and I have to do it
one-handed

to keep these Belushis
from carting you off.

The least you could do is be
ashamed of your gender.

Ugh. What's the deal
with this place?

Why is it such
a sausage planet,

and how did such backward
idiots invent robots?

Obviously, at some point,

the Gazorpians became
so evolved

that they replaced females
with birthing machines.

The resultant lack of
distraction and hen-pecking

allowed them to focus entirely
on war,

so they bombed themselves back
to the stone age,

and now they just fight with
each other over fake pussy

with sticks and rocks
all day long.

You think it's efficient
to get rid of women?

You ever see a line for
the men's room?

Are you hear-- do you Li--
do you hear me, Summer?

Droppin' loads.

Droppin' loads! Droppin' loads.

The plot thickens.

Uh, you might want to cover
your eyes, Summer.

Yeah, like it was
my dream to watch.

Yeah, baby!

Summer, grab --
grab hold.

Yeah, baby!

Aaaah!

Grandpa Rick, where
are we going?

Well, obviously, Summer,

it appears the lower
tier of this society

is being manipulated through sex
and advanced technology

by a hidden ruling class.
Sound familiar?

Ticketmaster.

Oh, there -- there we
go, Summer.

Hey -- hey, brother.
Hey, bro.

Nice racket you got
going on here.

Listen, I'm Rick Sanchez from
Earth dimension C-137.

Don't mean you any harm.
Coming in peace.

It's all cool in the, uh --
"good in the neighborhood"

is what I was trying to come --
is what I meant.

Oh, I get it --

the old behind-every-great-man
Amazon twist.

Silence!

- Your slave is ill-mannered.
- My slave?

We assume you are
from a more primitive world,

where men are still
permitted to be servants.

If he is a rogue male, tell us
now and we will kill him.

He's my slave.
He's my slave.

He's definitely my slave.

Ugh! Ohh! Oh-ho-ho!

Oh, boy.

What's the opposite
of "wubba-lubba-dub-dubs"?

Am I right,
ladies and gentlemen?

Are you guys kidding me?

Oh, Morty Jr.!

You're gonna be a special
little guy, aren't you?

You -- oh, yeah.
You're my special little guy.

Ohh.

Ohh! Ha ha!

DA.

What was that,
Morty Jr.?

Were you gonna say, "Dada"?
Say, "Dada."

Death!

"Dada."

Domination!

Um... "Dada"?

Destruction. Domination.

Nice.

The spider in sector "C" is still alive.

Plan your route accordingly
and expect delays.

We're not telling you
what to do.

We're just sharing
how we feel.

And now weather --
is anyone else cold,

or is it just me?

I am Mar-sha,
ruler of Gazorpazorp.

I am here
if you need to talk.

- What is this place?
- Paradise.

We built it during the great
passive-aggression,

when the females separated
from the males

due to their increasingly
destructive behavior.

I am here
if you need to talk.

I am here if you need
to talk.

From here, we dispense
mechanical surrogates

to maintain our population.

Fertilized surrogates are
returned here to our nursery.

The females are placed
into educational programs

where they can discover
a service to our paradise

that fulfills them most.

Males...

...they get to play outside.

That was just a baby.

And within a day, he'll be
an adult male Gazorpian --

one of the most aggressively
violent creatures

in the universe.

Wait a minute -- we're here
because a male Gazorpian

was born on our planet.

You speak when you're
spoken to, ding-a-ling!

It's true, though -- one of your
babies was born on Earth.

Are you the ruler of this
Earth?

- How did you know?
- The quality of your top.

- Do you love it?
- I love it.

I'm here if you need to talk.

I'm here if you
need to talk.

I'm here if you need
to talk.

If the Gazorpian is male,
your Earth is in grave danger.

We will give you passage
back home

so it can be terminated.

But first, mojitos.

We don't have time
for mojitos.

- You are insulting them.
- I don't care, Summer!

This place is the worst!
I want to go home!

Well, it really
doesn't matter what you want,

because this is a sane place
where women rule.

Yeah. You know what
I have to say about that?

I cannot believe my ears!

Whoo, boy!
Who let the frogs out, huh?

Grandpa!

- Grandpa?
- That sounds patriarchal!

Lt means "father of father."

Then this one
is not your slave,

and your Earth is yet
another planet dominated by men.

It's not dominated
by us, okay?

On Earth, men and women
are equals.

Equals?! We make 70% of your
salary for the same job!

- Seize them!
- Whoa!

Was this really the time
to make that point, Summer?

This is for you, Daddy.

Oh, man!

Um, okay.
Listen to me, Morty Jr.

I've got to tell you something
very important, okay?

Killing is bad --
bad!

You're silly, Daddy.

No, Morty Jr.
I'm being serious, okay?

You need to put your energy
into something else.

I mean, what about dancing?

Would you like to learn
how to dance?

I'd like to dance --
on the graves of my enemies.

Ohh!
No, Morty Jr.!

Daddy, can I go outside?

No! Absolutely not!

But that's where all
the people and the animals are.

Yeah, but you can't
go out there because the --

the air is poisonous
for you!

You will die --
you'll die instantly

if you ever leave
this house!

You hear me?
- For real?

For real times
a million, buddy.

So, let's just stay inside,

and, you know, let's try
dancing, right?

Look at me. Yay! Look.
We're gonna dance.

Come on. Join --
dance with me here.

We love to dance.
- Why do we love to dance?

'Cause I said so!

Nice.

So, what are you in for?

Because I got --
I got a big,

you know, penis
between my legs.

What -- what --
what are you in for?

The worst crime
a female can commit.

Veronica Ann Bennett,

I find you guilty of having
bad bangs.

You ever notice the ones
with bad bangs

always have three
names?

You are hereby sentenced
to the silent treatment!

Pfft!
This is gonna be cake.

No! Jackie!

Rick and Summer of Earth,

for the crimes of treason
against womankind

and for creating the sound
of which we do not speak

because it does not exist,
you are hereby sentenced to --

What, what, what --
a night on the couch?

- ...death.
- Ooh, gerp.

I hate you so much
right now.

This will be
the first instance

of capital punishment
in our society

in 500 years due
to our awesomeness,

so we are forced
to improvise.

We placed a large boulder
on that ledge.

Holy shit! Y-Y-You're gonna
crush us with a boulder?!

No! Stop interrupting!

The boulder falls
onto a lever

that will launch...
knives.

What?

Just give me a gun.
I'll kill myself.

Stop interrupting!

The knives will --

Fine! You were right
the first time, okay?

The boulder crushes you.

I just didn't want to admit
you were right. Happy?

No, just ignore them.
Ignore them.

Such an asshole.

Look, I'm sorry, Summer.

I feel bad that I let you
drag us into this.

I wish I could have been
a better Grandpa to you,

and, you know,
for what it's worth,

that is a really nice, cute top
that you're wearing there.

Top. My top!

My top -- the same top you
complimented earlier!

Look -- look at the tag.
Read it.

Lt says, "Marc Jacobs."

Marc? Jacob?
These are names of the penis.

Yes.
An Earth man made this top.

Maybe on your planet,

separation of the genders is
the right thing to do,

but on Earth, a certain
percentage of our males

are born gay,

which is why my clothes are
better than all of yours.

A man made something fashionable?

It's true, and sometimes
the truth hurts,

but it must be accepted.

Like if I told you that
you're using

the wrong
color foundation for your skin

and it ends at your neck,

making you look like
a party clown.

Okay, ouch. Noted.
But the fact remains...

if you impose
Gazorpazorp's laws on Earth,

you're no better
than the men

whose farts shall remain
unspoken.

And if you think my top
is cute,

you cannot execute.

Very well. Give the Earth
people a spacecraft

so they may head back
to their weird planet,

where women are kind of equal
but not really.

Good job, Summer,
and thanks, girls.

You know, you girls are really
something,

I'll tell you that.

You know when we first
go there, I was like --

Give them a ship now.

Morty Jr.! Smoking?!

That is not okay!

What are you gonna do --
ground me?

I can't go outside anyway!

So what?!
You could do things inside!

You could play guitar.
You could masturbate.

I don't want to masturbate.
I want to conquer the planet!

Oh, here we go again!
You know, who do you think...

is gonna love you if you conquer
the planet, Morty Jr.?!

Love -- that's all you
care about!

What about weapons?!

What about domination
of the enemy?!

All right, that's it --
no more History Channel!

This TV is for cartoons
and video games only!

I hate video games!
You take that back!

Give it to me!

Ugh!

I-I-I didn't mean --
I didn't mean that.

I didn't mean to do that.
I'm sorry.

I can't take this anymore!
I'd rather breathe poison...

than live another minute
with you!

No! No, no, no! Stop!

My life has been a lie!

God is dead!
The government's lame!

Thanksgiving is about
killing Indians!

Jesus wasn't born
on Christmas!

They moved the date!
Lt was a pagan holiday!

- Oh, Dad!
- Yes, Morty?

My son is gonna take
over the planet,

and I am too young to drive!

Can you help me
get him back?!

I suppose, Morty.
I suppose.

But first, a deep sip
from a very tall glass

of "I told you so."

Oh, my god!
Please, Dad! Come on!

♪ Runnin' wild, runnin' hot,

burnin' inside ♪

♪ With the youth in the blood
and the age and the heat

and the fire in your pants,
open wide ♪

♪ You're gonna run from
the damn cold,

but you can't run from
your youth ♪

Dad, there he is!

Oh, god.
Hey, stop that!

Oh, my god!
Oh, my god! Dad!

Morty Jr., no!
It's me! It's Dad.

It's okay!

Put the car down,
Morty Jr.

No! No!
♪ Wh-Where's your hands? ♪

♪ Where's your hands? ♪

My car!

♪ And that's how we play
handy hands ♪

Out of the -- out of
the way, Morty!

- No!
- Morty!

That's one of the most
violently aggressive

creatures in the universe!

- Ow!
- He's my son!

And if you hurt him, you'll
have to kill me, Rick!

Dad, I'm so confused!

I know, Morty Jr.
I'm sorry.

I ended up lying to you
and yelling at you

just like my parents
did to me.

You know, parents are just
kids having kids.

One minute, you like
how a shiny robot looks.

The next minute,
you're in a fist fight

with your alien son.

I'm an alien?

We all have bad
impulses, bad thoughts.

We just have to learn
to channel them

into something
constructive.

But I want to murder
everyone I see.

Well, you know, I mean,
maybe there's a job out there

for people that feel
that way.

Actually, there is.

Hi. I'm Brad Anderson,
creator of

the nationally syndicated
comic strip "Marmaduke."

You should consider being
a creative.

I'm haunted by uncontrollable
thoughts

of mutilation
and sexual assault

on a near daily basis.

But, you know, I channel it
all into my work.

- Oh. Wow.
- Huh.

I never got that impression
from reading "Marmaduke."

Well, did you get
the impression

I was trying to make
you laugh?

Tell me that wasn't
Brad Anderson.

Aw, see?
You hear that, Morty Jr.?

Maybe you could try being
a creative of some kind.

Maybe!
I always have sort of wanted

to see my face
on the back of a novel.

I mean, what I really want to do
is slit people's throats,

but beyond that...

I know you can do it,
son.

I think it's time I get
a place of my own.

I promise I'll call you
every day I need money

or a place
to do laundry.

Aaaaaaah!

So, I assume this novel
your son writes

is gonna pay for my rear axle?

Isn't it interesting,
Summer,

that after all that stuff
we just did,

nothing really mattered
and there was no point to it?

Kind of makes you wonder,
huh -- about nothing?

Are you sure it doesn't
make you re-evaluate

your policy about taking
girls on adventures?

No. I'd say, given
what we've been through,

that I was right
the whole time

and any epiphanies
about gender politics were

a projection of your feminine
insecurity.

But, hey, why don't you have
a pink spaceship?

Go ride around and have
a jolly old time.

Maybe that'll shut you up.
- Dad? Summer?

Where were you guys
this whole time?

On Gazorpazorp.
Where were you?

I was reading
a newspaper.

Oh, that's interesting, Beth.
You know, it's funny.

l-I-I heard about a little bit
of news myself.

Take a look.
T-Take a listen.

Wubba-lubba-dub-dubs!

This
this world

still got a --
it's still got a chance!

Yeah! Ha ha!

See you -- see you guys
next week!

See everybody next week.

Mortimer Smith, Jr.,

New York Times
bestselling author,

your book is about innocence,
the definition of it,

and, inevitably,
its impossibility.

ls it autobiographical?

Certainly.

I mean, all writing is,
in my opinion.

But my, uh --

My father kept me locked
in the house

until I was a teenager.

And there was violence

and, uh,
threats of poison gas --

but also dancing.

But you persevered
and created this masterpiece

from your suffering.

Smith Jr.'s mind-bending novel,
"My Horrible Father,"

in every store
and on everyone's mind.

Pick it up.
We'll be right back.

It's a thankless job, Morty.

You did the best you could.

I hope he's eating enough.

Did you get any of that?

It's a good-a show!